Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

13. Good Enough

"The Town" by The Weeknd

XIII. Good Enough

(Ashley Madeline Williams)

Sinking lower, lower into this blue, the bottom so much deeper than I should've been able to tolerate; eyes shut to this pressure, I held my breath, pockets of air leaving me as natural; sinking to my lowest, on purpose, for the sport of it, I almost tasted the chlorine in my mouth, washing out that other, that curiosity; sinking to the absolute depths of this space, the pressure mounted right in my chest, agonizing as my entire body kept collapsing down here, on my knees at the end of this extreme, willing to do anything, absolutely anything for the sun clouded behind the skies graying way above, way overhead:

Opening my eyes to this waving sapphire, the gleaming light up above formed the illusion I wanted.

Passing through the open door that led out here to me, I could've sworn I saw her.

Walking over to me, finally choosing me after she'd already done it before—lesser, not as much—I thought I could see Shepard there, coming to me at last, coming to me with her full self, her whole heart, without running away from me anymore, willing to take me in after so long, after all this time.

Unrivaled in her height over all, undisputed in her rays of influence, I felt my chest fill with the promise of this mirage as my oxygen, undulating in the clouded light outside, from her sunlight, everywhere.

Leaving these depths, I pushed my entire body up, through this pressure to chase after her, through this blue that could've overcome me, up through these lows that should've gotten the best of me long ago.

I refused.

Too stubborn.

Stubborn enough to break back up to this surface of the swimming pool I was in, gasping for breath.

Slicking my hair out of the way from my face, I blinked the water from my eyes.

Like a sudden, unscheduled sunset, Shepard wasn't there anymore—as if she ever had been in the first place.

She hadn't walked through the door in my sights now: the one leading back into the hotel I stayed in with the others during this sudden, unscheduled trip to sunny San Diego back on Earth. We were back in her hometown of all places, and Shepard wasn't here. We were supposed to stay here for the rest of shore leave—however long it was going to last for—and yet she hadn't done anything with me here.

This luxury, five-star hotel, the US Grant, was massive, renovated and raised to match the rest of the city's architecture, even though it still had traces of those early twentieth century roots at the foundation. All the restaurants, spa treatments, and other amenities the place had reminded me of a golden version of the Presidium on the Citadel—but the interior looked just like the outside of this city.

Dark tint of the rain clouds shadowing the skies above, I faced that irony as I floated on my back over the water's surface. Staring up at this sunless forecast, I couldn't know what was true anymore.

Here I was, swimming in the rooftop pool of this amazing hotel so high above the ground, surrounded by even taller skyscrapers, all overlooking the nearby shores along this Coronado Island in the main city of San Diego itself. This place's sunny reputation persisted even on a day like this, spreading its tourism through the air and the architecture instead.

Pale golden colors, deep honey golds, and yellow lighting, everywhere: that golden halo from Shepard's augmentation was San Diego itself, no matter the time of day or night. Black and chrome buildings stood tall with those golds shining through the windows, shining as the street lamps, to offset how harsh everything seemed, softening the town, the entire city with this ultramodern, otherworldly feel to it.

And the people, their fashion: they dressed with that same black and chrome, like their clothes were the buildings themselves, harsh and intimidating, but still so mesmerizing—exactly like her, exactly like her.

This town was so beautiful, like a paradise of everlasting light in the middle of a metropolis.

So damn beautiful, and Shepard chose to leave me by myself in this hotel with the others.

She had set her omni-tool's status to unavailable as soon as we'd touched down here.

Any emails I sent her, she only sent me back short, abrupt responses, like she didn't know what to say.

Something was going on here. I needed to find out exactly what.

But first I had to burn off this energy. Otherwise, I might've blown up at her. Even I knew that now was the absolute wrong time for that.

Swimming wasn't going to cut it. Not while I kept seeing things like this, these mirages.

Hauling myself up and out of the pool, this loud falling of the water off from my body made me think back to Thessia, back to the mall Shepard had taken us to. Those waterfalls, so gorgeous, just like she was; that lighting, so perfect, just like she was, no matter how much she pissed me off when she ran back into her shell like this. I dried myself off, still soaked with the memory of how incredible she was, soaking more over the way no one could compare to her, ever, flaws and all.

That unbreakable scowl of hers was a crown for all I knew, glittering in the golden brown of her skin.

No one could take it from her, just like no one could take her from me.

Leaving back inside to the hotel with my towel wrapped around me, I knew that Shepard was at that point with me, too. I knew she had reached some kind of place where she couldn't leave. I knew she wouldn't let herself sit still with me, to enjoy this feeling with me, or bask in this pain and all with me.

Her throne from me was here in my heart—

Waiting for her to stop running away from me.

Waiting for her to sit there, for me to adore her, forever.

If I waited for her without moving, we wouldn't get anywhere. I knew that, and I liked it. I liked that Shepard needed someone to admire her before she would move from her vantage point. I liked that she wouldn't admit it. I liked that she wanted and needed all of these things that were so obvious to me. Just because I couldn't look away. Just because I couldn't quit her. Just because she was human, even if I did see her in this light, immortal in how mortal she was, how she never wanted anyone to see her fall.

I couldn't feel my own feet on the ground anymore, thinking about her like this again.

I needed to keep myself together.

I had to keep it together.

I couldn't get lost in my own head while Shepard was still acting like I didn't mean this much to her.

Passing through this hallway that looked like the rest of the city, indoors, I made it back to my room here at the topmost floor. I unstuck these soaking wet clothes from off of me, changing into my running gear. I used my omni-tool to track a course through the island we were on, across the beach, and back again. Should've taken me about half an hour without stopping.

That wasn't enough time, really. I had enough pent-up energy to keep running all day and night.

But today was the last day of this monthly cockblocking, and I didn't want to overdo it. Even though I somehow didn't have any cramps—and I hadn'thad any in months, not since Shepard started seriously talking to me—I still had a headache instead, on top of Shepard confusing the hell out of me. For once, I couldn't just ram my head against this problem with her and find a solution. She kept resisting me.

I thought against emailing her again.

She probably wouldn't have responded. Or at least not with anything I wanted to hear.

Heading back out again, I passed by the open door to Tali's room. She was rooming with my favorite person, who wasn't here in the hotel at all. I actually hadn't seen her since we got here, not once. Now that I thought about it, I hadn't seen Kaidan in a while, too. He mentioned he had some kind of business to take care of over on the main Alliance Navy base here on this island. That must've been why Shepard had us come here, aside from her probably feeling homesick. But why didn't they just say so earlier?

Here, Tali was in her room, talking to Garrus. I ignored her, too, and kept on walking. Tali had some kind of problem with me, but she wouldn't tell me anything about it. So she leaned on Garrus and her other friend instead of being straight-up with me, like she just expected me to beg for her forgiveness.

Some best friend she was.

I wasn't going to kiss her ass over this. I'd already tried asking her five times what the problem was!

She couldn't respect me enough to have a real conversation? Then she could get over it on her own.

In the common room, Joker and Wrex sat together, watching TV, drinking. For some reason, they had it on the news: about Cerberus, those damned terrorists who used to be Alliance black ops. Their priorities and their methods were way fucked up! The advancement and preservation of humanity… Yeah, right.

I walked faster to the elevator nearby, hoping Wrex and Joker wouldn't notice me.

I started to slow down, though, once I got this weird feeling.

Like I was being watched. Like the walls had eyes somehow, tracking every single thing I did.

Like someone was around here somewhere, watching all of us, the whole team, and not just me.

"Hey, Chief!" called Wrex, slurring a bit. "Where are you going, huh? Get over here…and have a drink!"

Joker stumbled over here first with his beer, asking, "Ash, seriously…where's the fire? Or…are you the fire? Oh-ho-ho, I got you there, huh…?" He gestured in victory to the common room—bowing to no one and nothing here except for the few hotel workers walking by. "I'll be here all night, folks. All night!"

I mashed the down button on the elevator.

Wrex staggered this way, holding yet another bottle of Ryncol. "Hey, hey, what's…this? What's goin' on?" he asked, swerving around, his tail bobbing up and down. "Chief…you all right? Are you…okay?"

"Yeah, you don't look so hot," added Joker. "Wait…that came out wrong… I mean, you look hot—goddamn, Ashley, you're always hot. You're a real babe…ten out of ten. Don't tell Shepard I said that; she'll kill me… But, like… You're not…doing so hot. Is that—is that it? What do we win, what do we win?"

"You know what I wanna win?" said Wrex, drinking again. "Credits. Money! How's Shepard paying for our rooms and all our food…out of her own pocket? This hotel is great! She sure is loaded…"

Joker cackled, saying, "Dude, the commander's PACKING! Didn't we tell you how she made all those creds? 'Cause there's no way it's from her officer's salary… No, no way, it's like, way more than that… You don't remember? We told you…" He ribbed me. "C'mon, Ash, you know what I'm talking about!"

Why'd they have to pick now to start harassing me like this?!

Once the elevator doors opened, I hurried inside.

Wrex and Joker somehow fit themselves through with me right before the doors could close again.

On the way down to the lobby, though, they couldn't handle the downward motion. Joker clung for dear life against the thin railing wrapped around the elevator. Wrex hunkered down and sat in place, groaning over the whole thing. They couldn't move; they couldn't get up. They expected me to help.

I knew if I said anything to them, anything at all, I'd explode.

I just let them babble about whatever until we finally got to the lobby.

After what happened on Noveria, I almost hated elevators, too.

Almost.

As soon as the doors opened, I hurried out, leaving Joker and Wrex to yell and complain after me, pretty much abandoned back there.

Well, they shouldn't have followed me.

But it was nice that they cared about me, even if they were drunk like this during the middle of the day.

I made it outside to the busy city streets, running at a decent pace.

Following the traffic lights and the navigational system on my omni-tool, I tried to clear my head. I wanted to shut off my thoughts, stop thinking completely. But there was just no way. No way to focus on anything else except for this voice in my head, this feeling in my gut that something with Shepard wasn't right. I was pissed off at her; I was worried about her. I wanted to scream at her; I wanted to kiss her and make everything better. I wanted to go to her and make her tell me what the problem was, because I couldn't read her fucking mind and figure it out on my own.

And I knew where she was. I was just blowing too much hot air right now to go to her this very second.

All as a dumb distraction, I looked up to the giant television screens posted along the tall city buildings I passed by. The monitors overlooked the bustling crowd, showing a different broadcast from the Alliance News Network. Something about mysterious abductions out in the Terminus Systems, outside of Alliance jurisdiction. There was supposedly no specific pattern to these abductions, but it was enough to have people worried out there, forcing them to move back to Council Space almost against their will.

The Terminus Systems were damn-near lawless. Why were these people surprised? I felt bad for them and everything, having to pick up and move to a new home like this. But still. Come on.

I ran harder once I made it to the beach, the piers here. I ran right through the sand along the shore line darkened by the ebb and flow of the ocean's water, of that perfect blue whispering across my path. The daylight of the city's buildings reflected against the water's surface, so clear and incredible and clean.

I couldn't even care that I had sand in my shoes.

Because, again, this place was so beautiful.

So beautiful, and I should've been here with Shepard. She should've been here, holding my hand while we took this sappy, cliché walk across the beach. She should've been here, getting to show me off to all the other couples roaming around. She should've been here, showing me around the town, around the city. She should have been here with me instead of wallowing in her loneliness for no good reason.

Maybe that reason was good enough for her. It wasn't good enough for me.

I finally felt like I was good enough—in life, for work, with Shepard—and then she did this.

My lungs burned from my efforts, making my throat bleed from how hard I pushed myself.

Then all of a sudden, a bunch of different alerts sounded to my omni-tool all at the same time.

I slowed down to a stop here on the shore of the beach, catching my breath. Filling my lungs with air to help stop this burning, I hurried to check my alerts—if this was from Shepard, if she was okay, if she needed me.

The first thing—not from Shepard—was some vid-mail from Sarah, my sister.

Normally I would've been happy to hear from her.

She seriously had the worst timing.

But I decided to go sit down on the beach anyway, to listen to this. It wasn't like I could ignore her. She was my baby sister, after all.

I put my headphones in, listening to the message.

Hearing Sarah's voice again, I couldn't believe how she was almost all grown-up now.

Sixteen years old, about to graduate from her high school over on Amaterasu soon: she was way more advanced than I was at her age. Aside from how smart she was, I loved that she was still quiet, and that she kept to herself even though she had plenty of friends, only opening up to me. Made it easier to accept how fast she was growing up—even now, I was still caught off-guard by the sound of her voice. She sounded like a normal sixteen-year-old girl, with normal sixteen-year-old thoughts and worries.

It just made me remember that Sarah had the freedom to be free at her age. I hadn't had that same freedom when I was that young, and I still resented it sometimes.

I smiled a little, though, listening to Sarah tell me all about her girlfriends at school and what she was up to with them. They were head-over-heels about some new movie that was out. Mom hated that she was into it—some reboot of a love triangle with werewolves and sparkly vampires?—and refused to take her to the movies. So she had to sneak out with her friends to catch the midnight showing last night.

I smiled more over how much she trusted me, willing to tell me pretty much anything, and knowing that I'd keep it all a secret for her.

Even though I'd hated her before, years back, Sarah and I did end up bonding the most. I wasn't as close to Abby and Lynn, not anymore—they were off doing their own thing in their late-teens and early-twenties now—so it was nice to still have this kind of bond with the youngest in the family.

Then, at the very end, Sarah really threw me off:

"—oh, before I go. You said you're serving with Commander Shepard, right? Think you told me a few months ago. We saw her on the news here. I had no idea she was so pretty! You remember Alex? She has a girlfriend in college. Anyway, Alex thinks the commander's a lesbian! Something about the 'vibe' she gives off, even in a vid. Is it true? Do you know? What's she like in-person? You should tell me! Later, sis."

Oh, God…

I filed Sarah's message into my I-totally-didn't-get-your-vid-for-some-reason folder, hoping she'd forget.

The next thing—not from Shepard—was a notification from the team's chat room: a private message.

And it actually made me smile a lot, since this was so unexpected.

I decided to reply back in real-time, continuing the conversation while I sat here on the beach:

[13:50:01] Wrex: Chief, you RAN off… Are YoU OKay? Sorry im drunk

[14:02:43] Me: Hey, Wrex. Thanks for asking. Sorry for leaving you earlier. I went out for a run, that's all.

[14:04:21] Wrex: AHAHAHA, RUNNING. You RAN. To go RUN. Thats funny, your funny… NoT foolNG ME tho… YoU hv been angery for someWHILE now… Why?

[14:05:41] Me: If you really wanna know, it's that time of the month, Wrex. You know how women are when we're like this. It's not a big deal…

[14:06:30] Wrex: I DO knoW… EnouGH to know…yoU are REAL mad…sad? Is this abt SHEPARD

[14:09:34] Me: What makes you think this is about her?

[14:10:13] Wrex: HAHA i win… YoU adMIT the Truth…

[14:10:40] Wrex: Sorry shldn laugh…did not thnk youd tell me

[14:11:58] Wrex: Want to tell You… Chief. NO… Ash. Ashley, you BATTLE, COMPETE! SHEPARDS boNd w BLUE is True… may be yOU are sad frm Fight… but i see HiGHR Truth… SHEPARD cares…for YOU not BLUE

[14:12:30] Me: Wrex, that's super sweet of you to say… Why are you telling me this?

[14:12:57] Wrex: Lt me EXPln

[14:16:35] Wrex: At cluB we shared Talks… SHEPARD is difrnt now. Shes My Frend. Not frends befoRe. OpEN Heart Open Mind, NEW things for YOU. Still HARDENED WARrior. She Will defend you, Defeat PLANETS for you. I saW in hr eyes, she looks at yoU special and reAL… Not jusT to TRY…

[14:17:01] Me: Wait a minute…what do you mean? Are you saying…?

[14:19:45] Wrex: SHEPARD wnts to protecT you… Real KROGAN MEN provide for VULnbl females… hard WORK! EmOTIons, we MEN hide… FEAr…failure… Struggle! GenoFAGE VIOLENCE in MIND. She run?

[14:23:31] Me: …I think so. Now that you mention it, I think she's scared…of how much she does want to take care of me. Struggling, like you said. I have no idea how I know you're right. She won't talk to me… It's serious. She has to be running away. Maybe she's hiding her emotions the way guys do, like she thinks I'll look down on her for being weak… I just wish she'd trust me with this. I'm scared she'll change her mind if it's too much for her. If she leaves me, I don't know what I'll do… I've been hurting a lot.

[14:24:45] Wrex: Chief ASHLEY, dnt be sad… YoU are SHEPARDS clan chief! YOU sit on her ThrOne… SHE Will defeND YouR HONOR anD PRIDE! Provide for YOU! GloRy to CLAN ASHLEY of EARTH!

[14:26:31] Me: Wrex, if you weren't so drunk right now, I'd go back to the hotel and give you a hug… Thanks a lot. I seriously needed to hear that. You have no idea…

[14:27:56] Wrex: HAHAHA GOOD, claN chief happy! OKaY again now?

[14:28:46] Me: Yeah, I'll be okay. At least until I can talk to her again. I'll remember what you said…about her providing for me. I know she wants to do it. I guess I need her so much, I'm impatient…

[14:30:12] Wrex: Be STRONG! Give Time… OutSIDE Time? Are You running again

[14:33:17] Me: If you mean I'm going to finish my run, then yeah. I should. Shepard probably does need some time. Will you be okay, drinking with Joker? You've really been knocking them back lately…

[14:35:56] Wrex: InSPIRED by you, Ashley… DrinK on shore leave, ENJOY… Stop AFTER… Promise!

[14:37:43] Me: If you're sure… Just try to be careful. Thanks again for messaging me, Wrex. This is the best surprise I've had all day. I'm here if you need anything. You're such a sweet friend.

[14:38:56] Wrex: AHAHA Good Frends, good Talk… SLEEP now… Then HAPPY HOUR w Joker Garrus Tali! See LATER

[14:40:29] Me: Yeah, definitely. Get some sleep for now. Have fun at happy hour! See you around.

By the time I closed his conversation, I realized that my face hurt from smiling so much.

Next to Shepard herself, Wrex had to be the other big softy on the team. I'd had no idea he cared like that—about anything, and not just me. Sure, he was a lot of fun to hang around, and he never seemed like he was down or upset. I'd spent these months working next to him on the ship, fighting alongside him during missions, and not once did I notice him let his guard down. Aside from his crazy drinking habits, I never would've known much about what was on his mind, what he struggled with.

As for what he guessed about, there was no doubt in my mind that Wrex was right.

Shepard only avoided things when she was scared. And it was harder to pull her back now because we were here, because I knew she wouldn't tell me why we were here. If this was about her being at home, then she would've taken me out on a date by now. We would've been fine.

I was glad I hadn't given her my answer right away—when she'd asked me to be with her the other day.

If she'd started acting like this while we were actually a couple, I would've struggled way harder. Even now, I could barely breathe without her… Was it the same for her, too? Did she need me like this…?

Struggling, still. Struggling with how much she needed me to need her…maybe, maybe not.

Speaking of struggles, I checked my last omni-tool alert to see what it was about…

My heart sank as I read the words there on-screen.

Because, again, I'd had no idea…

From: Kaidan – Hey there.

Ashley,

How are you doing today? Hope all is well.

Hell of a time we had back on Thessia, huh? I'll never forget it. You really helped me out of a tight spot…at least for a little while. There's just some things we can't avoid, you know?

I haven't been doing too well for a long time now. Goes back years. Came up again with the Thorian. Couldn't keep avoiding it. Shepard ordered me to see a counselor. I didn't want to go to the Citadel; didn't want to risk the others finding out. That's why we're in San Diego. I'm on the main Alliance base.

I was honest with the counselor I spoke to. Completely honest. A hundred percent.

And, well…I had to get myself checked in. I'm at the hospital now, here on the base.

Sorry I didn't tell you about this stuff sooner. Must be a shock. I was…ashamed. Embarrassed. Couldn't admit to myself how deep this goes, let alone to another person. Despite all that's happened between us, I still consider you a good friend. And I'm sorry for that, too. For the mess I caused you in the past. I made the wrong call with what you tried to tell me in confidence. I'll always regret hurting you like that.

I was wondering, if you're free, do you think you could stop by for a visit? I'm not in a psych ward or anything—don't worry. I'm in the primary ward for biotics, room 203. Let me know if I'll get to see you today. If you can't make it, I'll understand.

Just please don't tell anyone… I don't think I could handle it right now if they knew.

-Kaidan

.

To: Kaidan – Re: Hey there.

Kaidan,

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It's haunted you for a long time, huh? I had no idea…

This day's been pretty up and down for me. Sounds like it's nothing compared to what you're dealing with. I don't have room to be selfish here. I'm more worried about you.

Sorry I didn't respond sooner. And I'm sorry about before, too. For…lying to you. For not trusting you completely. Something tells me you knew I lied to your face about what my problem was… We'll talk it over when I get there, okay? I won't say a word to the others about this. Thanks for trusting me.

I'm on my way now. Room 203—I'll be there soon.

-Ashley

---

Today was the worst day to find out that public transportation in San Diego was bullshit.

Basically non-existent, really, aside from way-too-crowded taxis and rapid transit systems, and only a handful of monorail lines that led to everywhere except where I needed to go. The Alliance Navy base here in Coronado was supposed to be a major part of the city. So why did I have to take the 'rapid' transit in bumper-to-bumper traffic, just to end up running across a long ass pier to get over here?

To top it all off, it finally started raining while I was on the pier, getting me just wet enough, but not too much to drench me. It was a nice view, though, jogging across the sights of the rest of the peninsula in a hazy mist of soaking gold. With these darker rain clouds brooding over the skies, the buildings all looked so much gloomier, beaming out those golden lights anyway despite the mood going on.

I made it inside the Alliance base as soon as the rain decided to really pour down. The familiar sterile blue, silver, and white of this place felt like home again, somehow. Checking in through security, no one seemed to mind that I was here on a secure station in my wet running gear, even while they were all in the blues of their casual fatigues, armor, or formal uniforms. Actually, while I was going through the decontamination system—getting that sweat, and sand, and most of the rain off of me—the security officers recognized my credentials, and me, since I served on Commander Shepard's team…

I escaped them before they could trap me in small-talk about what Shepard was like in-person, making my way over to the hospital. One tram ride across the length of this gigantic place and a few elevators later, I made it to the lobby of the hospital with a gift shop kiosk. Browsing through the kiosk for something to pick up for Kaidan, I spotted more soldiers who recognized me, murmuring to each other.

For once in my life, I didn't feel anyone judging me for being Ashley Williams, for being General Williams' granddaughter, forcing the shame of his surrender to the turians during the war onto me.

For the first time, I felt them wondering about me in interest because I was on Commander Shepard's team, leaving my family's reputation behind. Her greatness had overshadowed the dark history I'd walked around with every day, shielding me and protecting me from that stupid gossip I was so used to by now. Her legendary status seemed to lift me out of that darkness, letting the rest of these perfect strangers in the Alliance actually see me for who and what I really was.

From what little I overheard, they seemed impressed with me—because if Shepard had picked me to serve with her, then I had to be something special. I was good enough for her; I was more than good enough for them. And so the old Williams Curse had finally started to lose its grip over me.

If they only knew that it was Captain Anderson who'd assigned me to the Normandy first, all by chance…

If it had been up to Shepard at the time, she probably would've left me back on Eden Prime, full-stop.

Still, my fellow soldiers, strangers as they were, had stopped judging me for my family, for my name, for my ancestors' history and actions—for the things I couldn't control. They stopped underestimating me.

They judged me by my work instead…even if it was mostly by association for now…

And then, Shepard's speech to the Council during her Spectre induction came flooding back to me, almost making me tear up in the middle of this lobby. She'd made them judge her by her work, too.

I had been emotional at the time, too, feeling so proud of her.

I never did get the chance to tell her how much, or to congratulate her properly. It was too late now…

I settled on a box of Canadian lager for Kaidan. Since he was from Vancouver, I figured he'd like it.

No idea why a hospital had beer available in the gift shop, though.

I brought the beer with me to the elevator anyway, heading up to the second floor, the biotic ward. Aside from the few mechanical sounds from the hospital's equipment sounding in a lulling quiet, it was so silent up here. I felt a little self-conscious in my running gear, practically sneaking past the handful of doctors who didn't pay me much mind. The one or two patients I did see in the hall, they were escorted by their nurses, their heads and bodies probed and tubed by a bunch of biotic blue piping all around them. They looked like they were fine, but their speech was slurred, like they were high on pain meds to help them escape the pain from those tubes, from whatever process they were going through.

I hoped Kaidan wasn't going through anything like that…

Besides, from his email, it sounded like his mental health wasn't the best—not his biotics.

Unless the two were linked somehow, and that was why he was here in this ward now.

At room 203, the door opened for me right away. Kaidan was there in the decent-sized room, lying in a bed, looking out the rainy, full-picture windows overlooking this stunning view of the island, the ocean. Thankfully, he looked okay—he didn't have those…tubes or anything. He was just loosely wired to a couple of normal machines: one monitoring his heartrate, the other one monitoring his biotic implants.

Checking the clock on the wall, I saw that it was only 4:00pm—1600 hours.

For this brief moment as I walked in, I caught that depression in Kaidan's eyes as he gazed out the window, out to the rest of the town—so heavy, so lonely, I saw a deep emptiness there in him, one that I'd only caught glimpses of before.

He pushed all of that away once he saw me, just like always, smiling brightly.

"Hey, Ash, good to see you," he greeted. "Glad you could make it."

"Hey, LT," I said, heading over to the chair beside his bed. "Sorry it took me so long… Traffic was terrible. How's it going? Not bored or anything, are you?"

Kaidan pointed to the TV on the opposite wall. "It's not so bad. I'm keeping up with the news, catching up on some shows." He noticed the box I set down on the table next to him. "Ash, no way. Is that…?"

"Yep," I replied. "Some good old Canadian lager for you! Think you mentioned once that you like this. Or—did I remember wrong? I mean, you're from Canada, so I figured…"

Laughing, Kaidan patted the box in fondness. "No, it's great!" he insisted. "I love this kind, actually. One of my favorites. Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it. I'll try and sneak some when I can." He gestured to the chair. "Please, take a seat if you'd like. Still wanted to have that talk with you… I don't necessarily want to bog the mood down with my issues. I mostly wanted to clear the air between us—you know."

I sat down at his side, subdued now.

And even though he was the one in pain here, Kaidan chose to lead things:

"So, way back when, we had that talk," he reminded me. "Back when the team thought you hated them. Back when…they kinda had a reason to think that, since, well, you had your own reasons. I know you fed me that story about you being in love with your old boyfriend. In the moment, I did believe you…"

Anxious, I prompted him anyway, "But…?"

Kaidan continued, "The truth is, it didn't take long for me to put two and two together, to realize you weren't being honest with me. Think I went behind your back and told Tali out of spite, not just to fix your friendship with her. And…I'm sorry for that."

"I'm sorry, too," I repeated, from our emails. "Then again, you ended up doing the right thing. That's what helped the others come around. There was no way I was going to tell them the truth on my own."

Kaidan nodded, wistful. "I guess even the right choices have consequences, huh?"

"Yeah, that's true," I agreed. "I'm sorry I lied to you, though. Up until then, you had always been so nice to me. I should've trusted you. The whole truth was…pretty hard for me to deal with at the time."

"I figured it was something like that."

"How'd you know I was lying?" I asked. "What gave me away? Or…did you have a feeling?"

Kaidan grinned and said, "Ashley, I always knew you liked Shepard. From the very start, back when we rescued you from the geth on Eden Prime. From the second I watched you lay eyes on her, there was this hidden thing somewhere in you. No clue if the commander noticed, so to speak. I felt something from her, too. You know how hard she is to read, even today. It's still there for her."

"Are you serious?!"

"Yeah, I'm serious."

I had to rationalize this: "I get that I'm not the best with subtlety and all, but… Shepard? She's said a few times now that she sensed something in me on Eden Prime. When she told me again a few days ago, I didn't believe her. I thought she was just saying it to say it, since we were kind of in a fight at the time."

"No, Ash, it's true," promised Kaidan. "I felt it a lot more once she pulled you back from the beacon. Like she had to protect you at all costs. Think she cared about you already even then. I tried to talk to her about it after the mission, while we were on our way to the Citadel. I told her that you might like her—a lot. I couldn't tell if she really didn't care, or if she was covering it up somehow. Either way, she knew."

"This is…blowing my mind, Kaidan," I admitted, holding my head. "You knew all this time. And you didn't say anything to me about it. You didn't judge me or treat me any differently. Shepard knew, too, even back then…and she didn't kick me off the ship. She only got mad at me once that drama started."

"Why didn't you confess to her sooner?" he wondered. "Or is that too personal?"

I sighed and said, "It was the regulations. And I was in the closet at the time. Too busy questioning, too busy staying in denial to protect myself. That's why I lied to you. I couldn't take the risk. Couldn't risk you telling anyone the whole truth, especially not Shepard, not before I was ready. I mean, I did want her to know. Just not like that… Plus, I'm technically still not out yet. Not all the way. My family doesn't know. I have no idea how I'm going to tell them."

Kaidan consoled me, "I understand. That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. I knew you were hurting. I just wanted to help… And…you know the rest of the story." Thinking one last thing over, he hesitated, before sharing: "Well, mostly. There's something else. One final…secret, I guess. It was out of my control and all, but it's still eating away at me. It's part of why I never really recovered from the Thorian. The thing is, I'm not ready to share it with you today. I promise I will, later, once I'm better. If that's okay."

"Oh…sure," I accepted. "I understand, too. No pressure. Whenever you're ready to share, I'll be here."

That bright smile again, genuine. "Thanks, Ash. You're the best." And then his expression fell back down as he looked around the room, not able to escape the obvious. "But, yeah, about the Thorian… Ever since that day, the headaches from my L2 biotic implants have been getting out of control. That on top of my mental health not being so great, it's—a terrible mix, to say the least. I'm gonna need to take some new meds to deal with this, otherwise…well, who knows what'll happen…"

Brightening a bit in optimism, I asked him, "So you just need those new meds from your doctor? Once you get them, you can come back to the hotel with us?"

Kaidan winced and said, "Unfortunately, there's only a limited amount of meds I can take with these L2 implants in the way. Anything I could take, it'd just help me in the short-term. For right now. To help me get through the rest of the mission. That might not be enough for me. I don't know."

"What's the alternative, then?"

"The alternative…is that I go through the procedure to get my L2s taken out and replaced with L3s. I can get it covered with my benefits no problem. But it's more of a…long-term solution. I'd have to go through all kinds of therapy just to get used to the retrofits, and that's before getting back on my feet again. I can safely take the proper meds the whole time once my L2s are gone in that case. My biotics wouldn't be as powerful afterward, you know, since the L2s spike higher than the L3s. The L3s are safer, though."

"So…with the short-term solution, you could come back with us," I summarized. "There's a risk that you won't really get better. You can continue on with the mission, though. And the long-term solution will definitely help you get better…"

"…but I wouldn't be able to stay on with you guys for the mission," finished Kaidan. "I'd have to go through the operation, the therapy. The Alliance will want to send me to HQ up in Vancouver, too. They have the proper facilities for this kind of thing over there. And I'd at least get to see my parents again."

So selfish of me: I had just started being friends with Kaidan again, and now…

Pained over this choice he had to make, I had to know: "Have you decided what you'll do yet?"

"I haven't, actually. I asked Shepard if she could come by. Gave her permission to talk to my doctor, look through my files, the test results so far. I can't make this decision alone. I need her to help me out."

"Good call… If anyone can be impartial about things like this, it's her."

Kaidan noticed, "Why do you sound sad about that?"

Hiding away a little, I told him, "Kaidan, we might have to say goodbye to you. How could I not be sad?"

"This isn't only about me, Ash. Before I came here, I noticed you were in a mood. This about her?"

I must have been terrible at hiding my temper when I was like this.

First Wrex and Joker. Now Kaidan.

And now, it pissed me off all over again that Tali probably knew I was upset. She chose to hold a grudge against me regardless. If she was seriously this jealous about Shepard and me, then I'd have to reconsider how much I cared about her as my so-called best friend. Somehow, I didn't think that was right, but she seemed not to care about whether or not I jumped to that wrong conclusion anyway.

But, back to this—"Yeah, it is. Shepard's not speaking to me for some reason. I can only guess what's wrong with her. Ever since her birthday, that night out, she's been…really distant. Like, we played her video games together while we were still on Thessia. We were fine, even though she was quieter than usual. Then, as soon as we got here yesterday, she just—bailed. Left me at the hotel, no explanation."

"Hmm, that's odd," said Kaidan. "What do you think changed? She seemed mostly okay to me, too."

Even after my talk with Wrex, and how sure I had been about this, I still… "I don't know for certain. I don't know… It's making me crazy."

"Well, you must have a feeling. What's your gut say? Your intuition."

Thinking back to how Shepard was yesterday and the day before, she was quiet, yeah…but in such a specific way. Like she was holding something back. Because even when she did touch me, she was so…gentle about it. Overwhelmed, and restraining herself. Overpowered by me, somehow, even though I wasn't doing anything to her. We couldn't do anything at the time. This wasn't about sex, though.

She'd dropped her confidence with me somewhere.

She had lost it, somehow.

Without that confidence of hers, Shepard was way more vulnerable with me, and—

"Kaidan…"

Kaidan sat up in his bed more, alarmed by me. "Yeah…?"

I stared off at nothing, looking straight through the streams of raindrops slipping down the window.

That golden city fogged over by the charcoal of the dark rain clouds, and the scowling buildings of black illuminated by that gold, by those sunrays beaming through only as electricity, unnatural.

That light lit up a brief vision through my head, like ones I had seen before, still faint and obscure:

Somewhere, somehow—at some point in time, not that long ago, maybe from yesterday—I sensed Shepard bathed in that golden glow in comfort…at home, sitting on her bed, heartbroken over her anguish. Blue lights with her in her bedroom, speaking, understanding her well, and without judgment.

I saw Shepard gripping her head, shaking her head, speaking to that blue, "I know what we talked about… I know what I said, what we should do, getting into trouble while we still can… But I can't. I can't! I can't hurt her like this. It would be too involved. I can't break her heart again, I swear…"

That understanding, indistinct, "That is perfectly fine with me, Shepard. You know I understand…"

"I don't want to hurt you, either," expressed Shepard, clearer. "I shouldn't have said what I did."

"Do I look hurt to you?"

"No… I'm sorry, anyway. A lot's…changed with me. I can't keep making the same old mistakes."

"You needn't worry," said the other voice, unnatural. "Spending this time with you is enough."

Unnatural, back in reality: my family would think it was unnatural if a woman—if Shepard and I ever…

Finding my breath through this fog, I shook my head, shook those fantasies with her away, and these weird visions of those two that I didn't understand. "I still don't have a clue. Honestly, all I can come up with is what I want. What I want the explanation to be. Not what it might be, or what it actually is."

Kaidan challenged me, "Then what do you want the reason to be, Ash? What do you want?"

"What I want…is for her to love me," I admitted, staring out to the rain again. "I want Shepard to be in love with me. I want her to stop holding back! I want this whole phase to just be—her defense mechanisms. Like she can't handle how strong her feelings are for me. I want her to take me in anyway."

Nodding in wisdom, he pointed out, "You're really passionate about her, you know. It's no wonder she's into you, too. Sounds to me like you push her into new territory all the time. Must be tough for someone like her who's not used to budging like that. How do you see all of this?"

"Kaidan, real talk: she's a god in my eyes. She's the sun, she's everything to me, but she's still…real. She's spent her whole life shutting everyone and everything out. It's like her heart's been—frozen. I can give her so much more than that. I can make her feel so much more. Way more than anyone else can."

"You can give her something to live for."

Absolute confidence in this passion: "Yes, I will."

"Then go for it," encouraged Kaidan. "Don't let her distance stop you. Besides, I bet she secretly likes how…unshackled you are. Unrestrained, unlike her. You won't give up. I think she needs that from you."

Smiling over his insight, I agreed, "Totally. I'm glad you see it, too. Thought I was seeing things—"

The door opened, and in walked Shepard, her sharp mood sheathing right through the mood here.

She sheathed right through my earlier temper, too, cutting straight to my heart, bleeding more for her.

Black-and-white of her clothes, so different than the blue of her Alliance fatigues and the all-black of her N7 stealth suit—that thick, zipper-free white hoodie of hers looked so snug and clean and comfortable, almost like wearing a soft kid's blanket. Her black jeans looked just rugged enough, with those slightly washed-out spots of white-silver running down, the frayed edges near the bottom splicing out a bit from the run of her chrome-tinted combat boots running over her shins, doubling as rain boots for the day.

Shepard definitely liked simple, solid colors—white, black, blue, and maybe gray. Nothing too colorful.

The brilliance of her complexion, her eyes, and her hair as the golden brown sun were color enough.

For once, she didn't have her hair swept around to her shoulder in front of her. Instead, Shepard had it pushed all the way back across her head, spilling down her spine that way, as if she'd ruffled it like that out of nerves right before she got here. I had noticed a while back that she did that—running her nails through her hair, her scalp, to fan herself out whenever she was anxious about something.

She must have guessed that I'd be here.

Because when she looked at me, so full of gentle concentration, I found no surprise there in her eyes.

There was that gentleness of hers, again…like all she wanted to do right now was hold me, protective.

"Hey, Commander," greeted Kaidan first, smiling again. "Good to see you."

Shepard regarded him with hard eyes. "Lieutenant," she responded, just as hard. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay for now," he replied, not at all bothered by her mood. "Happy that you were able to make it."

And then she stepped over here, staring down at me sitting in this chair.

I knew I should've stood up out of respect for her as my commander. I knew I should have gone for it, given her a hug, kissed her—anything. There was something in her stare that arrested me here, that gentleness having shifted to something way more possessive…but still quiet. Still respectful. Still subliminal, and never overt or over-the-top, since that wasn't her style, unintentional or otherwise.

Instead, Shepard leaned down here to me. She wrapped her arms around my waist, behind me, arching me into her, higher. I had to stop myself from reacting too much from her touch, her subtle strength, draping my arms around her neck instead. Inhaling this smooth smell of her black chamomile scent, I closed my eyes against the white cotton fluff of her hoodie, of her shoulder. The moment she settled her lips over my neck, burning me in softness, I held her more, almost tangling her long hair in my arms.

Insulated in her, I practically fell away from the hospital room, from this base, from this town, from all.

Even more, way more once Shepard moved her lips to my ear, speaking so low, so deep in me, "Hey."

I shifted into her, so much more, feeling like she could've carried me away at any second now. "Hey…"

"You all right, babe?" she asked me, just as low, just as deep.

I moved my hand enough to hit at her chest, her shoulder.

She should've known better.

Shepard laughed a little, knowing. "Sorry…"

I couldn't say anything, still…too pissed off in between everything else she did to me right now.

Pulling away to stand back up again, Shepard looked to Kaidan, and found him grinning at her.

Hardening back to her stoic professionalism, she talked to him, "I spoke with your doctor already. He showed me everything, explained everything. He said you want me to decide. Are you sure about this?"

"I'm sure, Commander," replied Kaidan, completely certain. "My head's all fuzzy right now… Makes it hard to trust myself with a big decision like this. I want to stay on the team, finish up the mission first. I could relapse if I do that. So the long-term might be better instead. I don't know. I trust you to be impartial. Whatever you think is best, I'll go with your decision… What do you think I should do?"

Such a weight to her choice—Shepard stared down at the cold floor, arms folded as she considered this.

That coldness reflected her contemplation back up at her, reinforcing everything.

I watched her eyes as best as I could from here, studying the way she thought, and the way she judged.

And then Shepard regarded Kaidan again, resolute. "Lieutenant Alenko," she said. "I appreciate your service. You're a fine marine, and you've done an admirable job as my second-in-command during this operation. Your skills in combat as a sentinel, and as a biotic are invaluable to the team. But I want you to get better. No shortcuts, no cutting corners." Not having expected anything either way, Kaidan's eyes welled up a bit as he listened to her verdict: "Effective immediately, I'm relieving you from duty."

Kaidan lowered his head and nodded, sniffling a bit.

Even though she made perfect sense, this still stung…

"Make the transfer to Vancouver HQ. Go through the process and heal up as best as you can. Once you recover with your new meds and those L3 implants, I want you to come back to us. Understood?"

"Yes, I understand…"

Getting out of bed with his wires, he stood up with the weight of this judgment, facing her properly.

With the utmost respect, Kaidan saluted Shepard, straight and poised.

"Commander Shepard," he said, pushing his emotions back. "It's been an honor serving with you. I'm sorry I wasn't able to finish up the mission with you, with the team. You've inspired me to be my very best, and not only as a soldier. Knowing that you believe in me to recover from this, you've made me a better man. I'll never forget that. Thank you, Ma'am—for everything."

Shepard returned his salute, sharp with practice, letting that speak for her.

I stood up with them, not knowing what else to do.

Especially once Kaidan's doctor and nurse came into the room, like they figured, or they knew that he would have his answer ready by now—and so it was time for him to get started on his new journey.

Already, it was time to go, to say goodbye…

Kaidan smiled for me, holding his arms out. "Hey—come here, Ash," he comforted. "C'mon." Swelling with clairvoyance from this sudden, unexpected change, I gave him a hug. "Thanks again for being such a great friend to me. Let's stay in touch, all right? I'll be cheering you on while you take Saren down."

"Yeah—yeah, we'll stay in contact, for sure," I promised. "Email, vid-mail, whatever works best…"

"Great!" said Kaidan, letting us pull away. "Best of luck with everything, okay? I'll see you two…soon."

Shepard held my hand. "Take care, Kaidan," she told him. "See you soon."

Leaving his hospital room, I couldn't help feeling like so much had changed.

So much more, way more than I could see right now.

Like this would change everything, somehow.

It took me a while to realize that Shepard still held my hand in hers, and that she had already led me to the parking complex linked to the base. Outside, the skies were darker with the later hour. Darker clouds with the pouring rain, the city's golden mist filtered through here as makeshift lighting, guiding our way.

On the way here, so many people must have stared at us while I was stuck in my head. So many people must have wondered about us—recognizing Shepard, recognizing me. So many people must have guessed that I was Shepard's girlfriend…

Not now, not yet.

I looked up at her, at the way Shepard existed in this honeyed steam, like it came from her somehow.

Looking down to me, she raised her brow, asking, "What's on your mind? I'm sure Kaidan will be fine."

"Won't you get in trouble?" I wondered. "Holding my hand at an Alliance base like this…"

"I found another loophole," she told me.

"What kind of loophole?"

"I'm a Spectre," stated Shepard. "I outrank everyone on this base. Technically, I only answer to the Council. Someone in the Alliance could still write me up. It wouldn't go anywhere, though. I'm the first human Spectre, so it's not like the human Alliance has any strict rules written down about this."

"I guess that makes sense," I accepted, still feeling like I wasn't all there. "Where are we going now?"

"We're going to my car first," she replied, looking me over: the tightness of my short-sleeved white shirt, the spandex my black pants, and my red running shoes. "Where were you going before?"

"I…went for a run earlier, to blow off some steam. Then Kaidan emailed me, letting me know where he was. I didn't go back to the hotel to change out of my gear. I just came straight here."

I knew I should have grilled Shepard on what her silent treatment was all about.

Or not…a silent treatment.

Just…how she'd acted so strange, so out-of-character with me.

But I stayed quiet, because I couldn't ask her the things I really wanted to know:

Do you love me, Shepard? Are you in love with me? Do you want to put me first, above everything else?

Are you hiding it because you're afraid? Is it too much for you? Am I too much? Could we last together…?

We stopped at the passenger side door of what I presumed was her luxury skycar parked here. Shining sheen of a chocolate brown paint job, shaped in a sharp elegance, and with soft-looking leather seats, this was way nicer than any other car I'd seen on the road in a long time. Through our reflections shining over the thick black of the tinted windows, I watched Shepard watching me, how I observed her car; how I took in just how far she'd come in life, having crawled out of that world of chaos on the streets.

Then she looked at me properly, gazing. I gazed right back at her, wanting.

"Ashley," whispered Shepard, filled with her confidence again, so sexy. "Come out with me tonight."

So natural for me to melt like this, for me to say, "I'd love to, Shepard… Where are you taking me?"

"You'll see."

I looked down at my clothes, self-conscious again. "But—wait, I'm not really dressed for this…"

"I've got you, babe," she reassured me. "Don't worry about that. I'll take care of you."

Shepard opened her car doors, automatic. Holding my hand up as part of this romantic ritual, she watched as I sat down over the comfort of this seat. A crisp, artificial smell of cinnamon hit right at the top of my nose, wrapping around me in warmth, like she had just gotten her car washed, and replaced this flavor. Only once I was settled in did she let go of my hand, walking around to the driver's side.

I looked around, taking in the shine of her chrome dashboard, and the sunlit glow of her driver's panel and car controls lighting up the dark. So clean and orderly, Shepard had nothing out on the seats, on the floor—nothing, nowhere. Just this ambiance of absolute darkness, with the control panel and the golden glow from the city as the faint sunlight. She had only one backseat, unlike the rental car from Thessia, where I first learned about the sexy, subtle swagger Shepard had when she drove, almost like a guy.

She showed me when she held my hand again, starting the car. She turned her music back up, continuing from whatever song she had ended things on when she'd parked earlier: again, that bass of hers from this sultry, alternative R&B music I loved, just like what had played at the club she'd picked out for her birthday. Again, these trippy, chopped up beats, atmospheric echoes, falsettos, and sexy, explicit lyrics, still so tasteful; again, this loudness, so fun in how it took over my senses; and again, the feeling of the bass thundering through the sound system, drilling against my entire body in my seat.

Pulling out of the parking lot and returning to the rainy road in the skies, Shepard drove with that ease about her. Hooking my hand over her right leg—the one closest to me—she used her thumb to caress my skin in softness. Her free hand, she used to control her car, so free and easy. She had her seat leaned back just enough to relax without losing her focus, her concentration on the road, as she had somehow found a traffic-free path to take across the water, unlike the rapid transit I'd had to deal with earlier.

And this faint sunlight from the electric lights in here: they shone over her face and eyes, so beautiful.

Outside, the rain and the city's golden haze made the headlights and brake lights from the rest of the cars look like mere illusions.

More mirages.

Still, the rain had really started to pour down out there. So much that the raining sounded through Shepard's music, adding to the bass almost. Her windshield wipers kept her sights clear enough, anyway.

I felt a slight chill from the drop in temperature finally hitting me.

Shepard glanced at me once as I shivered—only slight—before pressing a button over her control panel, turning the heater on for me, comforting right away. I smiled over her care, squeezing her hand a little in thanks. She did the same right back.

Soon, we arrived to a part of the city that had those swaying palm trees and resort-style places I'd expected. Not that Coronado wasn't nice, too—it just wasn't what I imagined San Diego looking like, aside from the beautiful beaches and the piers. There was something more I hadn't gotten to see yet.

Reading Shepard's navigational system that I knew she wasn't paying attention to, I saw that this area was called Fashion Valley, and it showed:

The fancy cars here were way nicer, like hers. This place had more open spaces, more open plazas, more open designer stores on every block, and more open bars and restaurants that were a huge step-up even from the mall we went to before. The glamorous people walking around fit the stereotype, too: the human women standing out in their jewels and carrying designer purses, the human men with fine haircuts and expensive suits. They did it all while shielded under their umbrellas, still showing off.

All of this fit as its own valley ridged within the mountain pass across the horizon, so fashionable.

Shepard drove us to the Fashion Valley Mall itself, fitting in with the resort-like feel from everywhere else. More palm trees blooming in the rain, off-white and golden lights everywhere, and stores and restaurants built like exotic villas and palaces: I couldn't believe this was an actual open mall, open to the skies and everything. I guessed since it never snowed in this part of California so close to the desert, they didn't have to worry about that kind of thing. Aside from the occasional rain like today, of course.

Parking in another indoor structure, Shepard turned her car off, music ending.

She took off her hoodie and handed it to me.

"Here, Ash," she said. "Put this on."

Smiling over how soft and clean her hoodie was, and how sweet she was, I told her, "Thanks, Skipper."

After I slipped the white of this snug cotton over my head and down my torso, I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling her, smelling her all over me like this. I watched as Shepard pulled a black, compact umbrella out from a hidden compartment in her door. Setting the folded umbrella in her lap for now, she fixed the collar of her white shirt: a really nice long-sleeved button-down that she could've easily worn with a suit, instead tucked into her dark jeans for today.

Outside, holding the umbrella over both of us, Shepard kept my hand in her free one, guiding me along as we entered the mall together. Passing by more of those glamorous people with their dozens of shopping bags bobbing around beneath their huge umbrellas, I felt self-conscious again compared to them. Then again, Shepard wasn't exactly dressed for the occasion, either, aside from her shirt. She didn't seem to mind that we stood out from most of the crowd, enjoying this time with me instead.

And all of these places to choose from:

Designer stores everywhere—Louis Vuitton, Michael Kors, Dolce & Gabbana, Prada, Armani Exchange; jewelry stores with full-blown diamonds and rubies and all glittering in the rainy light; shoe stores with heels and boots stacked up high along the walls; high-end department stores; computer and electronics stores; and even a movie theater—all for people with tons of money to burn on the best of the best…

Shepard leaned closer, telling me, "Pick out whatever you want, babe. Any store, anything. It's on me."

"Wait, really?" I asked. "No… There's no way you just said that!"

"I'll buy you anything," she said, so smooth. "Clothes, shoes, purses, diamond rings—anything. No limit."

Blushing like crazy, I shook my head. "But Shepard, that's…"

Stopping us outside of the Prada store, Shepard turned to face me. Pattering of the heavy downpour hitting against the top of her umbrella over our heads—she looked at me in a way that told me she was completely serious about this. And even when she'd said the words, her tone had such a suave depth to it, husky in her meaning, in her…new kind of confidence. Definitely not the same one as before.

Lifting my chin with her hand, up to her, she questioned me, "You don't think you're worth it?"

Blushing even more, somehow, I replied, "That's a lot of credits you're offering to spend on me…"

Shepard leaned down, more, giving me a brief kiss filled so with my worth to her.

Brief as she was, she still managed to make my head spin, with only her hand keeping me in place.

"Ashley, you're worth it," said Shepard, with that same depth, so dreamy. "You're good enough. You're more than good enough to me. So much more. You are sublime in every way imaginable… No matter who else is around, you are the most beautiful woman that I'll ever know. I want you to believe that."

Listening to her tell me that was like getting a shot full of sugar straight into my heart, into my veins.

Loaded with so much energy I couldn't express to her in public like this, I didn't know what to say…

Shepard knew.

She smiled, so charming, bargaining with me, "Babe, let me at least get you a warmer shirt, some jeans, and a different pair of shoes. If you see something else you want, tell me, and I'll buy it. All right?"

"Okay… Thanks."

She smiled more, and walked me into the brightness of this Prada store, letting me look around.

I stuck to the ready-to-wear section. Everything else was so nice, but—too nice for me. Way too nice.

More than these amazing clothes and shoes everywhere—trend-setting, and a step above my usual style—I loved that Shepard followed me. I'd spent all this time, these months during missions, following her around like a puppy, on purpose or not. Now she stayed just as close to me, just as protective of me.

And I loved that she paid attention to every single thing I looked over. I loved that she absorbed what I liked and what I didn't like. I even loved the way she used her hand to cover the price tags on anything I seriously had my eye on, to keep me from feeling guilty and changing my mind.

I was honestly so used to throwing on whatever clothes happened to fit me and didn't look too girly.

The fashion here, though…it was so lovely, so stately and fresh. I felt myself getting caught up in the novelty of it all, of how Shepard had given me this freedom to pick out whatever I wanted. But I managed to restrain myself—and not because I didn't think Shepard could afford all of this. I really did believe that she would've bought out this entire mall for me if that was what I asked her to do…

Even the other people around noticed the same: they stared at us, at the way Shepard gazed at me the whole time, at the way I couldn't quite look at her. I expected them to judge me. I expected them to start laughing at me, wondering how the hell I could have possibly deserved this kind of treatment.

Instead, they mostly smiled at me, at Shepard and me together, especially the people who worked here.

Still, I only picked out a relatively normal long-sleeved red shirt, some fitting jeans that were as close to a regular denim color as I could find, a plain black belt, and a pair of black ankle boots with average heels, just so that I wouldn't have to keep looking up at Shepard to make eye contact with her.

To match, Shepard picked out a leather motorcycle jacket for me: sporty enough, and still not too girly.

And I really, really liked it, so I didn't put up a fight. She had amazing taste in clothes.

Carrying everything to the checkout kiosk for me, Shepard asked, "You found everything in your size?"

I nodded.

This place didn't have a dressing room, anyway…

I was surprised Shepard let me join her at the automated checkout counter.

She actually let me see the final total there on the kiosk—

"Shepard," I protested. "Wait a minute… That's way too much!"

The boots alone cost more than I made in a week!

Shepard paid for everything anyway.

No credit chit—all from the credits she happened to have on-hand, all digital through her omni-tool.

And then she had the bag in her hand, filled with what I'd picked out, giving me such an adoring look.

"Come on, Ash," guided Shepard, holding my hand again. "Let's go find a place for you to get changed."

As she led me back outside, I avoided everyone's curious staring, whispering, "Thanks, Skipper…"

She smiled with so much pride, opening the umbrella for us again. So pleased to please me.

Walking by my side, Shepard led me across the mall to one of those high-end department stores.

Despite everything, there was a part of me that really did feel…pleased by her. Fulfilled. Like she had given me exactly what I wanted, even as I fought against her for treating me like this. Because, again, I was so used to dealing with whatever—settling—I had no idea what this kind of life was like. Now that I had a taste of Shepard's lifestyle, I felt myself going back to our conversation from her birthday. The one where I'd told her the things I needed in trust. The things that I was so ashamed of needing this badly…

Not that I necessarily wanted to bankrupt her from taking me on shopping sprees like this.

It was more that Shepard gave me this special treatment.

And maybe she knew that when she decided to bring me here, giving me this taste on purpose.

Still, the damage and the shame in me wouldn't let me fully enjoy this. I had a feeling Shepard was well-aware, but she chose not to let that get in the way of things. She worked around my hesitations, making me as happy as she could while not pushing me too far out of my comfort zone.

Halfway to the department store, the rain started to let up a little bit—but only a little.

I noticed Shepard gripping the umbrella anyway, determined to keep it over our heads. Even as she kept the Prada shopping bag hooked along the bend of her arm, and holding my hand with her other one, I got the sense that she would've kept that umbrella out even in a light drizzle.

"Skipper, don't you like the rain?" I asked her. "Or do you miss the sun?"

"I love the rain," replied Shepard, still kind of grumpy. "It's my favorite kind of weather."

I reached across to poke her shoulder. "Then why do you look so annoyed right now?"

Shepard lighted up a little with my touch, explaining, "We don't have our shields from our combat gear to protect us from the rain. I don't wanna get my hair wet, that's all."

"That's all…?"

"Yes, babe."

"I don't get it," I said, staring at her hair now: gorgeous, shining, and straight. "What's the big deal?"

She grumbled a bit, telling me, "Ash, it doesn't just stay like this. I have to blow dry my hair all the time to keep it this straight. If I get it wet, then that's a bunch of time I have to waste blow drying it again."

"Wow, really? I just wash mine in the shower and let it dry on its own."

"Must be nice…"

I laughed. "Wait…this is one of those things I wouldn't understand on my own, isn't it?"

Shepard sighed, admitting, "It's a lot of work. Sometimes I don't know why I put up with it. Plus there's all this fucking controversy about how I shouldn't bother keeping it this straight at all. I've legit had some women come up to me, screaming about how this isn't my natural hair, and how dare I reinforce harmful stereotypes by wearing it like this. Like I'm going to hell for not conforming to what they do."

I made a mental note to look all of this up as soon as I got back to my hotel room. "You mean…your hair isn't naturally like this?"

"It almost is," she clarified. "It's a bit wavier—naturally. And this technically is my natural hair, since I don't use any chemicals to keep it this way. No relaxers. I'm only taking a small step to straighten it."

"A small step," I repeated, right as we made it to the automatic doors of the department store.

Shepard set her hand along my lower back, guiding me to enter first. "A small step that takes effort."

I walked inside to this wind of perfumes almost overpowering me, with her following right behind. "But you make the effort anyway. You're really…mindful. You put in the work, because it's worth it…"

Glittering under the lights of this gigantic store, Shepard smiled at me with her full meaning, so sublime.

---

Here in the public restroom of this department store, I almost forgot where I was. This place looked like it could've belonged in a palace, just like the outside of the store itself. The soft lighting, the marble floor and the perfect surfaces everywhere made me self-conscious all over again while I changed my clothes.

Standing in this stall while I changed, I thought back to how Shepard wasn't in here. She'd been a little subdued on our way here to the women's bathroom, like she actually wanted to be someplace else.

I had given her hoodie back and everything, hoping that might've helped somehow—somehow, like giving a pup its bone back—but she had only smiled again, insisting that I go on ahead without her. I had even asked her if she was shy about being in here with me while I dealt with the last of this monthly problem of mine. She had just laughed a bit and said no, before leaving outside.

The shirt fit just fine. The material felt so nice on me… I almost never wanted to take it back off again.

I knew that the jacket, the boots, and the belt would fit me, too.

I had changed out of everything else, setting it in the Prada shopping bag that Shepard had carried for me earlier.

But these jeans…

They were my size—I swore they were—and I had made sure to double-check in the store.

Trying to pull them up over my thighs was like pulling teeth, making me groan in the middle of this empty room, the sound echoing off of all the marble everywhere. Jumping a bit, I managed to get them over my thighs—but they just would not come up around my ass. I kept yanking at them, yanking with the belt loops to help, hoping I wouldn't snap them in half.

I gave up after a while of doing this over and over again.

And then I remembered—I had extra water weight because of my damn period.

No wonder these wouldn't fit me today…

Plastering my forehead against the wall of this stall, and hanging out of these really nice jeans, all I could think about was how much money Shepard had spent on me. I could have gotten them on. I should have been able to. I just…couldn't do it by myself right now. And I didn't want to waste any more time on this.

Swallowing my pride, I went ahead and dialed into our private frequency.

Shepard answered right away, "Yes, babe."

I tried not to whine over this as I asked, "Where are you…?"

"I'm outside in the hall."

"You mean you're just…waiting there for me? You didn't go looking around the store?"

"No, why would I do that? I'm here for you. Not to shop for myself." As if I needed another reason to want her more: she was so considerate… "Ash, why do you sound so miserable? Are you all right?"

Letting myself sound as miserable as I was—and as frustrated as I was—I requested, "Could you…come in here? I really need your help with something…"

"I'll be right there."

As soon as I heard the main door open, I unlocked my stall, waiting here.

Wearing her sweet hoodie again, Shepard slipped into the stall with me, locking it back.

I wouldn't look at her.

She hummed in a warm acceptance, as if she wasn't surprised at all, before moving to stand behind me.

"What?" I droned. "Why do you sound like that…?"

"This is your size," noticed Shepard, grabbing hold of the waist of these jeans. "So what's going on?"

"It's my stupid water weight from my period. I only noticed once I got in here."

Shepard somehow didn't judge me at all. "Hmm."

Still, I told her, "Sorry, I'm a mess…"

"Well, I thought that's what I noticed. When you had those tight pants on from your running gear, you looked…a little thicker than I was used to. Your thighs, your ass. It was—difficult not to stare."

Shepard then pressed herself up against me, right behind me.

I had expected her to laugh over how embarrassed I was, as usual…

Instead, she put her whole body into pulling at these jeans, pulling them over me, pulling and hiking, hiking and yanking, making way more headway that I had on my own. With that strength, Shepard pulled all of me back against her. So unintentional, so rammed her thighs against the back of mine, rounding her half-thrusts against me, pushing at me while she kept pulling my jeans up.

The way she growled with her effort, so deep in her throat, so subtly aggressive, so menacing and meaningful, it really got to me…

I bit down on my lip, clamping down, trying not to make a sound, but it was so hard.

Feeling something like this from her for the first time, I couldn't stop throbbing; I stopped breathing.

I couldn't stop myself from imagining more, way more—everything, all of it.

I leaned forward against this surface, pressing my hands here, my arms here, completely loose to Shepard fucking at me like this. She was so strong about it. She was so certain about it. Her every movement, everything she tried was so full and knowing. Her whole body, all of it, she gave it to me, pulling these jeans up, pulling them up over me, even as much as I needed her to rip them back off and take me right here, right this second.

And once I finally did breathe, Shepard heard me.

She heard me, and she leaned into me, giving me that growling against my ear—"Fuck, Ashley… Fuck!"

I was about to make my lip bleed from biting down on it so hard.

I held my breath again, zipping my lungs up to keep from tempting her any more than I should have.

Not in a bathroom stall.

Not in a bathroom stall.

Shepard finally pulled my jeans all the way up, breathing hard against me with her relief, her release.

She almost sounded monstrous in her growling—soft, suspenseful. Holding herself back for me.

I stayed here like this, trembling down to the bone from how badly I needed her to fuck me up.

Fumbling her hand through the bag, Shepard pulled out the belt she'd bought for me.

Listening to the rasp of her palm coiling around the leather, pulling it out, pulling it straight, I had to hold my breath again, all over again. So rough with me, Shepard zipped me up before she forced the belt through these loops, wrapping it around and around. Pressing herself harder against my back, she finished here, fastening my buckle and slipping the rest of the leather away in place for me.

There was just something about this…

Something about this that made me feel so damn high, way higher than this room, this store…

So much higher, like I was somewhere up in the clouds, way above where I actually was. Eyes heavy, they'd already slipped down, closed, letting me dream here in place.

And all Shepard had to do…was keep touching me. Keep dressing me. Keep taking care of me like this…

She let me fall away—mentally, emotionally—finally not having to worry anymore.

I could let her think for me.

I could let her plan, and organize, and do everything for me, everything that I was too exhausted to do.

So sick and tired of having to be perfect, twice as good as anyone else; so exhausted from always acting like I was invincible, like I was better than the best, all to end up with nothing…

I trusted Shepard to let me be, to handle it all for me, knowing that she would upgrade me by proxy.

I trusted her to do this, because she could do it perfectly, paying perfect attention to me, to my needs.

This high lifted me even more once Shepard bent down to the marble floor, down to my feet. She lifted my legs just enough, one at a time—gentler in this time, savoring me—slipping the arch of my right foot into the leather of boot. Just as gentle, she did the same with my left.

Elevated by these heels now, I felt even higher, higher than high from this quiet worship of hers:

The way she wanted to kiss my legs, but didn't.

The way she wanted to touch me all over, but didn't. And the way she needed to make sure that I had everything, absolutely everything I could ever want or need, even with this one thing, this one thing.

I remembered now that I already had the shirt on—but I should've left it off, for this.

Shepard finished with the leather jacket, putting it on me, one arm at a time, until she shifted the leather up around my back and over my shoulders.

She freed my hair from beneath the jacket, setting it back out the way I liked, just the way I wanted it.

"Ashley," whispered Shepard, right in my ear, the breaths from her pronunciation blowing against me.

"Mmm…"

Trying again, deeper this time: "Ash…"

"Mm, Commander, please don't stop…"

Sucking in her breath this time, Shepard reminded me, "You're dressed now… Nothing else to put on."

Still leaning against the wall, I begged her, "Then take my clothes off… You can't fuck me yet. So put my clothes back on me again instead. Do it, please. I want you to…" When she wouldn't do it, I backed my ass into her, making her react that way. "Commander… Shepard, it's not fair… You left me alone in the hotel all this time. Now I need your hands on me again, and you won't…you won't do it…"

"Ashley…are you high right now?"

"Yes," I whined. "You have to take care of me… You have to. You promised…"

Shepard breathed harder, and took the risk of turning me around.

I panted as I stood here underneath her, leaning back against the surface behind me now. She found my eyes out of focus. She found that I couldn't stay still, swaying a little in place. She found that my face was as red as my shirt, my breaths harder than ever. Harder, so much harder, because I couldn't breathe without her, and she knew it—she saw it in the only focus in my eyes, trying to keep her in my center.

Choosing to be gentle with me, Shepard held my face in her hands, holding me still.

Focusing on how unfocused I was, she asked in such a soft, caring voice, "Ashley, are you hungry?"

Remembering that I hadn't eaten anything all day, I told her, "Yes…"

"How about I take you out to dinner with me?" she suggested, still sounding exactly how I needed her to sound. "There's this nice place nearby I wanna show you. I think you'll like it a lot."

"Nice place, hm…?" Sounded nice, so nice…I needed more info first. "What's it called?"

"The Cheesecake Factory," she replied. "It'll be crowded, but I can get us a table right away. We'll be secluded, with a nice view of the mall and the valley. It won't take us long to get there, either. Like I said, it's nearby. Right around the corner from the mall."

"Mmm, cheesecake," I repeated, so in love. "How'd you know…that I love cheesecake? And…I totally have a sweet tooth right now… If it's a cheesecake factory, then it should be fun… I wanna go. I want you to feed me… I want…to have an incredible night with you, out on a romantic date with you…"

"Then let's go, babe," coaxed Shepard, unlocking the stall door; opening it for us.

I let her get my bag for me; let her guide me out of the stall, over to the sink.

"Commander, did I ever tell you…how hot it is that you call me babe? And it's only hot when you do it… Your voice gets so deep and throaty… Like I'm the only girl in the whole galaxy. It's so sexy, you know…"

"I'm glad you like it," she said, turning on the cold water. "You should wash your face before we go."

Not knowing why I should have, I somehow agreed with her, "Yeah…yeah, I should, huh…"

Bending down to the running sink—without thinking—I scooped up a bunch of cold water in my hands, splashing it on my face.

Right away, the cold shocked my high back down, freezing me back down to Earth.

I gaped at Shepard through the mirror.

She found the recognition in my eyes, seeing that I was sober again.

I hurried to get a paper towel, drying my face; burying it here.

Where the hell did I go back there?

And why did it feel so…familiar, with her? Like I had been there before, multiple times, just differently…

Dry again—on the outside, anyway—and aware again, all I could do was stare at her for a while.

Finally level with her height from these heels, Shepard just held me. Wordless as she was, I understood where I'd gone. I held her back, tighter, amazed as I was that she could do that to me. She had taken me there without even trying, and maybe without realizing that I would like that so damn much.

Somehow, I knew she understood me, too. I didn't need to say anything, either.

And I loved her so much more for that alone, everything else forgotten…for now.

---

Just like Shepard said, the restaurant she'd picked out was nearby, right next to the mall.

Even in the pouring rain at this time of night, we walked past a line of people waiting to get inside, wrapping around the building itself, and leading all the way back into the mall itself.

They all waited to get inside this mezzanine that led up to the restaurant itself, upstairs.

Guiding me to enter first, again, Shepard set her hand along the small of my back, so gentle and protective. I let myself fully enjoy this, imagining for one night that I really was her girlfriend, and that this was how she would treat me from now on. And of course, people stared at us together, shooting cold, jealous looks at us. Somehow, it all made me want to smile, just because they were so pissed.

I definitely smiled once we made it inside this mezzanine, though.

Heading up the tall, long escalator, Shepard held my hand as we stood here, watching me look around. I loved how warm this place was, illuminated and colored like a classic cheesecake: off-white walls, marble flooring and surfaces, mixed with the soft golds and typical dark brown of the dessert's crust. Through the windows we passed by along the escalator, it looked like the restaurant had a bunch of floors, packed with people eating dinner here, mostly in large groups together.

At the top of the escalator, I saw the big red font spelling out The Cheesecake Factory, naming it as a restaurant, a bakery, and a bar all-in-one.

Inside through the glass doors, my eyes lit up all over again, taking everything in:

The same style and color scheme as the mezzanine, this place looked a lot like a classy wonderland for sophisticated adults. The lighting made everything fit together perfectly: those winding designs of pale gold, definitely reminding me that we were in San Diego. I couldn't stop smiling, especially while Shepard guided me by my hand past the line of people through here, too. We passed by a bunch of cheesecakes behind some glass, just like a bakery, with all kinds of designs, colors, and flavors there.

Since it was so noisy here by the entrance, I didn't expect Shepard to say anything, to explain how and why she picked this restaurant out for me. I went ahead and followed her, loving the feel of her hand over mine. I had finally stopped feeling self-conscious with these other pissed off people staring at us, obviously wondering who the hell we were and how we'd managed to skip the long line.

Shepard soon brought us to a private half-booth right next to a balcony—sure enough, overlooking the beautiful view of the mall and the valley at night, exactly like she'd said earlier. The bright lights from the city, from the skycars out on the nearby freeway, the overpass of the valley cradling all of the other buildings out there: I could admire it all from this distance without that life-changing fear crippling me.

So much quieter here, too, just like I knew Shepard preferred.

She relaxed a little with this silence, far-removed from the rest of the crowd and the noise as we were.

At the table, Shepard was sweet enough to pull my jacket off for me, making me smile way more. She had me sit in the booth itself while she took her hoodie off. I expected her to come sit next to me, since there was plenty of room. But then she was about to sit in the lone chair across from me.

"Hey, come here," I told her. "What are you sitting over there for?"

Caught off-guard by my request, Shepard explained, "I wanted to face the restaurant. To keep watch…"

I laughed over how attentive she was. "Shepard, we're on shore leave! Now get over here already."

She went ahead and slid into the booth with me on my right side, right next to me.

Turning the center kiosk around to face us, Shepard asked me, "So, what do you think of the place?"

"It's amazing!" I said, loving that Shepard smiled at me, over how happy I was. "This is exactly the kind of restaurant I pictured you taking me to! Well, sort of… I imagined you might be used to something way, way more upscale. Not that this place isn't upscale… You know what I mean."

"I wanted something more accessible than that for you. Just not some cheap, throwaway thing. I figured this was a good balance for our first real date. It's upscale, but not too much."

Watching her browse through the seafood menu with the kiosk, I asked her, "Did you pick this place with the cheesecake in mind? Because I meant what I said earlier: I really do like it. I'm pretty sure I never told you, though. How'd you know?"

"I didn't," responded Shepard. "I only guessed that you might like it."

"Then we have to get some for dessert! Definitely the classic one. I want to see how it tastes here."

"Already planned on it getting it for you, babe."

Confused, I wondered, "What about you? Don't you want some, too?"

Shepard made a face. "I hate cheesecake."

I couldn't help laughing at that. "Shepard, what?! Then why bring me here if you hate cheesecake? That's like the main attraction!"

"Because I knew you would like it, Ash," she justified. "Plus, I couldn't pass up the reservation with a table like this. I wanted to bring you here, to show you what I'm about. And this is only a taste. I care more about pleasing you than whatever's on this menu."

Shepard had made a reservation for us…

That meant she had planned on bringing me here ahead of time, all as a surprise—even if she was still struggling with something underneath the surface.

Leaning against her shoulder, I smiled over this, over everything.

"You're the sweetest thing, Skipper. Thank you…"

Shepard did that thing—clenching down on her jaw, stabilizing her shyness—before asking, "What do you want to drink, then?"

I wanted to know first, "Hmm, you've been here before, right?" Stoic, she nodded for me. "What do you usually get?"

"The strawberry lemonade," she replied. "It's fresh. Very sweet. Strawberry is my favorite fruit."

Strawberry, huh? "Let me try it, then."

Shepard was already on the page, adding two of the lemonades for us.

Soon after, a part of the table next to the kiosk opened up in mechanical automation. From there, two cold glasses of rose-tinted, strawberry lemonades appeared, the tops of the glasses rimmed with thick sugar, ready with thin crystal straws.

Pulling them over to us, Shepard set one on my side and the other on hers. She encouraged me to try mine first. I brought the straw to my lips, tasting—and the fresh sweetness hit me right away,

"What do you like eating here, then?" I asked her. Then I remembered: "Wait, let me guess—salad?"

"You guessed correctly."

I buried my smile against her shoulder. "Shepard…"

"Ashley, when it comes to food, I'm again a very simple person," she lectured. "I don't like fancy meals that are fancy for the sake of it. I'm usually not willing to experiment and try new things, because then that's money wasted on something I might not like. I'd rather stick to the basics."

"Right, so you're a picky eater," I paraphrased.

Shepard shrugged, saying, "I can't help it." She browsed the seafood menu again. "I saw you looking here earlier. Did you want to try the seafood?"

"Is there anything you've tried before? Something you actually liked?"

"The shrimp scampi," she said, pointing to the picture and description: angel hair pasta swirled along the side of sautéed shrimp mixed with fresh basil, cloves of garlic, tomato and white wine.

"Mmm, I want that, too," I told her. "It looks really good…" Shepard added it for me, before going over to the salads. "What kind of salad are you getting?"

"The normal Caesar salad," she replied, adding it, too. "Without cheese, parmesan, whatever."

"You hate cheese, then? Is that it?"

"I just don't like it."

Poking her flat stomach, I teased her, "Scared you'll get fat?"

"Yes, actually," she said, solemn.

"Oh… Wait, seriously?!"

The table opened up for the second time, revealing our meals there. Steaming and smelling like heaven already, she brought my shrimp and pasta over to me first, before pulling her plate of salad in front of her. I noticed the way she looked at her own food, now that we were in the middle of this conversation: like she held back with so much in life. Even with this.

Still, Shepard gave me a look, encouraging to try my own dinner.

Like she wouldn't touch her own until I had at least taken a bite first.

So I did, and I loved it, how the shrimp mixed together with everything in a crisp heat…despite feeling bad, because of this talk, this subject.

Shepard only ate a little bit, and didn't continue speaking until she had absolutely nothing in her mouth again: "Being in the fashion industry since I was thirteen years old… It messed with my head. I pushed myself a lot. Not to the point of developing an eating disorder or anything, but I watched the people around me suffer through them. And it's not like I had a backup plan in case the whole modeling thing didn't work out. So I had to put up with it, at least until I enlisted. The Alliance was my true way out."

"No, I totally get it," I shared. "I guess I didn't expect that, coming from you… It's not like you talk about those things. You don't wear makeup. You don't dress up. You don't seem to care like other people do."

"I care about certain things—with this," she corrected.

"Like what? What else do you think about?"

"Deep down, I have an unconscious fear of getting old. Losing my touch. And the rest I don't want to say."

Even listening to Shepard say that, I couldn't imagine it.

Not at all.

She noticed, and said, "Ash, I'm not a god. I'm a person, just like you."

"I know…"

"Then why do you have such a hard time accepting this? It's inevitable."

"Because," I murmured, using my fork to twirl at this pasta. "I just can't see you going through that. Maybe you think I'm idealizing you or something… I promise, that's not how I feel about it. Like, if anyone could find a way to become immortal somehow, then it would be you. It could only be you."

Not wanting to be such a downer, Shepard tried humoring me instead, "You're serious, huh?"

I smiled at her. "I believe in you, Skipper. You'll find a way. Then you can share it with me!"

Shepard let herself laugh, insisting this time, "Babe, the only way I can be immortal is in a video game."

"Okay, then you'll be in a video game," I humored right back. "Oh! You know, I don't play games that much anymore, but I just remembered—the N7 one you played for me, there's no final boss, is there? It's only the multiplayer thing on a team with other people?"

"No final boss in this one," she told me. "It's just the multiplayer."

Struck by a sudden idea, I asked her, "So, if you were the final boss in a video game, what would you be like? Final bosses are supposed to be all-powerful. The ultimate test of the player's abilities—or something like that. What would the final boss battle against Commander Shepard be like?"

Shepard truly considered this, for me, and said, "You're right that final bosses are usually all-powerful. Really strong, with that type of raw strength—you know, beefed-up. That isn't me, though."

Not wanting to tease her over how tall and slim she was, I wondered, "How would you be different?"

Considering some more, thinking some more, Shepard ate more of her salad. I ate more of my shrimp, too, watching her consider, watching her think, watching her eat.

Then she posed the question: "Ashley, for this final battle, can you see the player actually beating me?"

"No way! They can't win, Skipper. Not against you! It'd be game over if they tried."

Shepard gave a confused grin. "Then how is that supposed to work? They have to win. I have to lose."

"I don't know—you're the game designer here! You tell me. Come on, I wanna know what you think."

"Well, it's more interesting if it's a battle the player can't win," she supposed. "Especially if they go into the fight knowing that they can't beat me. I'd want that mind fuck instead…to make up for my lack of raw strength. So, with that, the whole battle would be a mind fuck. I could terrify them to death instead. Not sure how the actual mechanics would work. It would depend on the rest of the game, the story."

That did sound pretty interesting… "Then what's your idea of a mind fuck—in this situation?"

Shepard thought about it and said, "Subverting expectations. Testing their mettle. Things like that."

"Would you make the player give up somehow?" I asked. "Sounds like something you'd do."

"Yeah, I like that. If they can't win, then they'd have to forfeit. They could only win by hacking the game, or cheating."

We spent a lot longer like this—talking together, eating together with this familiar ease between us.

All of that confusion, all of those hurt feelings from before couldn't get in the way now.

Shepard gave me this realistic fantasy of knowing her, of loving her outside of the military, outside of our work and our duty. I could absolutely see us having met outside of the Alliance somehow, with her finding a way to talk to me first—or maybe I would have, depending on whether I was still stuck in the closet or not.

And even with how badly we wanted each other—like now—Shepard chose to be a gentleman for me.

She didn't let our conversation stray anywhere too close to sex…for obvious reasons.

She wanted to keep getting to know me for me, exactly like she had said months ago.

She showed me that she could get along with me as my best friend—my only, true best friend…

We could still talk about other things aside from our raw emotions, aside from sex, aside from the usual drama. Getting away from the ship, away from the others after having been stuck around them for four straight months, and getting to see Shepard like this with me: it solidified just how much I wanted her, just how much I loved her, in all things.

And when she did order dessert for me—that classic cheesecake I wanted—she was so sweet about wanting me to try this, about feeding me like I had mentioned before during my high, and about making me happy before anything else. I let her have the actual strawberries that came with the cheesecake, just to give her something to smile about, too.

Shepard had offered to get some alcohol for us before we left.

I had to turn her offer down.

The last time I drank—at Dark Goddess—it was…weird. I hardly remembered anything I said that night after a certain point, after I'd had a little too much to drink. After that extra glass, that extra swallow or sip, my memory was way too hazy, even though I knew I didn't necessarily do anything stupid that night. The others would've told me if I had. So I didn't want to risk anything like that happening again so soon, even if it was only a glass of wine or whatever.

All I remembered from that time was how honest I had been, somehow. Like I'd held nothing back.

Another piece of this fantasy: in how Shepard took me to the movies afterward, not necessarily to watch something, but to be there in that moment with me, to have this experience with me. The romantic drama she had picked out didn't really matter, and we both knew it. Far-removed from the rest of the crowd again, Shepard had us sit in a pair of special seats, away from everyone else—secluded there in that dark space with each other.

So very secluded: enough for Shepard to make out with me the entire time, and at just the right temperature, the right intensity. Sensual and romantic in the way she touched me, the way she elevated me in place, she kept things from getting too heated, or even too cold.

The entire time, I wanted her to at least unbutton my shirt—to taste me there, to show me how much she could do to me. I knew she was tempted.

At times, Shepard couldn't keep her hands from touching me here, like she wanted to claw right through me; tear my shirt off and out of the way, to at least have this of me, if nothing else yet.

But, like with all things, she decided to hold back.

Shepard held back, and back, and back—enough to drive me back to the hotel afterward once the movie was over. Back to the hotel. Back there, instead of taking me back to her house, her apartment, like she knew I wanted her to do. Even if we couldn't have sex, I at least wanted to see her place for myself. I wanted to see how she lived, to know what made her comfortable.

I needed to know her on that level. This was the only chance we had to do this, until shore leave was over. Whenever that was supposed to be.

Standing outside the sliding glass doors leading to the hotel, and shielding me from the rain with her umbrella, Shepard could hardly look at me. I was at her level, still, from my heels getting soaked in the persistent bullets of rainfall hitting the sidewalk. I could finally look her right in the eye, parallel to her, balanced with her. I was here, I was finally here, and yet she chose to put up this wall for some damn reason.

But somehow, Shepard hadn't shattered my illusions, my mirages, or my fantasies from today.

They all felt real, within my reach. So I let myself believe in us. I chased after her in place with this belief—this hope, this feeling—because there was no way I was about to turn back now. I was in this with her forever, no matter how closed-off she was; no matter how much she confused me, hurting me like this.

Guarded, I told her, "I had a really nice time with you tonight, Shepard… Thanks. For taking me out."

Breathing with her reluctance, she only stared at me, holding way too much back.

Trying to meet her eyes, I asked, "Aren't you at least gonna kiss me good night?"

Shepard kept standing there, breathing harder now.

From how long we'd spent making out in that movie theater, I could smell me on her, over the skin of her lips. From what little of her eyes I could see in her avoidance, it was like she had night vision: the way that sunlit brown lit up her view, this dark, limited view of us together underneath her umbrella so late at night—after midnight—it made her look so otherworldly… So heavenly. So very—unattainable.

Shepard kissed the corner of my mouth, delicate, like she was scared of me for some fucking reason.

Scoffing in offense, in frustration, I turned around, leaving inside to the hotel lobby through the doors.

I left her standing there in the rain, left her knowing how hurt I was without a word. I left with both of us knowing that I would never give up on her—no matter the cost.