"Significance" from NieR: Automata

XVI. Rebellion

(Liara)

Loitering here in the med bay with everyone back on the Normandy, I was as a chameleon, unobserved.

Blending here with the others, I watched as Shepard set Ashley down over one of the beds. Panic and worry concealed, Shepard hovered there as Dr. Chakwas proceeded to patch up the worst of Ashley's wounds, first, before anything else. She remained there, blocking my view. Still, I could at least hear the way Ashley breathed harder to keep herself from making a single pained noise. I could at least see the way her armor had been bulleted with punctures, bleeding out, but not for much longer.

Tali worked to control her emotions, knowing that Ashley would be just fine—physically.

Garrus kept his head lowered, likely thinking of what we could've done to prevent this from happening.

Wrex sighed every so often, eyes distant with the memory of the mission, of all that had occurred.

I felt nothing. I emoted nothing. I gave away—nothing.

Only this double-feeling of sensing Shepard's presence inside of me and outside of me, right where she was: I felt her as a repeat of reality itself, transposed somewhere in me, both within and without. I knew exactly what she felt; I knew exactly what she dealt with; I knew everything about her. Still unobstructed, and not a single scrap of suspicion toward me.

So naïve of her, really. She should have known better by now.

After some time, Ashley finally quieted, her breathing returned to normal, the bleeding stopped.

After that time, Dr. Chakwas spoke aloud, "You'll be just fine, Ashley. Take a moment to regain your bearings. You took quite the heavy beating out there. I believe your recent armor upgrades very well saved your life." She ran a scan with her omni-tool. "Hmm, it appears your own omni-tool still isn't coming back online. The damage is more severe than I thought. I'll need to consider some other alternatives. In the meantime, the worst of your wounds here in your arm will take another day or so to heal up."

At that, Ashley's breathing picked right back up again, yet in a way I couldn't discern—fear, anger, or a mix of both, parts of her breaths seemed to snarl out from her. Others trembled from her, quavering and near-uncontrollable.

Dr. Chakwas ran another scan. "Goodness…this isn't normal," she commented. "Shepard, would you mind stepping aside for a moment? Ashley's blood pressure and stress levels have shot through the roof. I may need to administer a sedative. That will have to be a last resort. I'll do what I can for her."

Wordless, Shepard moved away, backward, and facing Ashley as Dr. Chakwas carried on with her work.

Once she reached us, the others felt her grief, her regrets just as much as I did.

As ever, she did not let these show over her face. Everyone could sense them all the same.

Shepard had us step right outside the med bay, in the mess hall. Far enough away to give Ashley some space; near enough for Ashley to listen to our impromptu debriefing here.

She kept her tone matter-of-fact: "We destroyed Saren's base of operations. He won't be able to continue on with those insane experiments. Captain Kirrahe and his teams are dead. I'll figure out how to deal with that in my report later." Shepard knew that I already knew about Sovereign, about what it had said, and so there was no need for her to get into the details. "Liara, when you talked to Saren, did he mention anything about his next move? I only caught the very end of his damned speech."

"No, Commander, he did not," I replied. "Only that he is still focused on finding the Conduit."

"Figures," guessed Shepard. "Then we're at another dead-end."

Garrus remembered, "But what about the beacon? It must have given you another vision. Anything there that might help?"

"I did have another vision. Couldn't make much sense of it. It showed me a planet this time. The actual surface. I don't recognize it from anywhere."

I informed her, "I recognized the location. Many of the landmarks were familiar from my research."

Wrex asked, "Wait, how'd you see it, too? This from that bond of yours?"

"Yes, that's right," I said. Shepard nodded, unsurprised. "Commander, the Conduit is on Ilos. It is within the Terminus Systems, through the Mu Relay. Now that we have the relay's location, we should be able to reach Ilos as well. I can give the vectors to Joker whenever you're ready."

Tali pointed out, "Getting there will be impossible, Liara. Alliance ships aren't allowed in the Terminus. We could start a war if we were to venture out there. Besides, Saren will have his geth fleets waiting for us. I trust the Normandy's stealth drive to keep us safe, but I still worry about the odds."

Shepard concluded, "Odds or no odds, we have to get out there. We have to stop Saren. Otherwise, he gets his hands on the Conduit, and the Reapers will come back to destroy the galaxy." She then made up her mind: "We need to get to the Citadel. Talk to the Council directly. If they won't listen to reason, then we'll come up with another plan. Either way, we're going to Ilos. No matter what. Understood?"

Everyone nodded, giving their affirmative.

"I'll go plot a course to the Citadel on the galaxy map. Considering how far out we are, it'll be another overnight trip. Get some food and some rest. It's time to move forward now. Dismissed."

Overnight without night, while everyone aboard the Normandy slept on, I remained in the med bay.

My room was right there, certainly. Right beside me from where I stood, leaning against this wall, directly across from the one holding my focus, my attention, unblinking:

I watched Ashley as she slept, after having received that sedative from Dr. Chakwas some hours ago.

Dr. Chakwas had decided that she did not have the proper facilities to get Ashley's omni-tool back online. Not here in the ship's medical bay. And so, once we arrived at the Citadel, she would need Ashley to accompany her to the Huerta Memorial Hospital there, to use their facilities instead. I presumed that Shepard would join them as well. Once that was done, we would all leave to the Citadel Tower in order to meet the Council, and to ask for their permission to pursue Saren on Ilos.

I worried about Saren's geth fleets.

I worried that the Council would not be willing to send a fleet to Ilos in response.

I worried that the Council would not allow us to leave to the Terminus Systems at all, and that they would refuse to believe us about the Reapers, despite the evidence Shepard had collected on Virmire.

More than that, I found myself placated by this conundrum in front of me:

I could have suffocated Ashley at any moment.

I could have used the med bay's equipment to administer any harmful item to her by now.

I could have, yet I chose not to—for the same crippling reasons that had stopped me before, only with the added weight of my responsibilities, and my undoubtable culpability.

I could only continue watching Ashley as she rested, still in her armor, sleeping soundly over her back. I watched the way her chest moved up and down in that sound rhythm. I watched the way her hair spilled out behind her in neatness, if only because of the quality of her cut, mired only by her forced-exhaustion. I watched the way the soft light of the med bay glowed over her now-spotless face, calming in a gentle brightness of blue. I watched the way her face remained illuminated in such a peaceable expression, as if she dreamed only the most wonderful of dreams, so far-removed from reality. I watched the way her lips parted, ever-so-slight, as she breathed through her mouth: steady and reliable.

Here at her most vulnerable in her sleep, I sensed Ashley's thoughts and emotions, all as unconscious as she was. Siphoned through my bond with Shepard, I could pull at these things that I had only seen hints of before today, before this very moment. Such a mess of weaknesses, broken and bloodied from pushing herself, constantly pushing herself to extremes over the years, only to end up with nothing: I saw this lens she viewed Shepard through, as an ideal to aspire to, as the end-all-be-all.

Even more so, these painful memories of hers attempted to compensate for her habits, so sickening.

A complete package of unjustified justifications: Ashley existed as the pinnacle of Shepard's revilements.

And Ashley believed in this religion, of this idea of herself, of how she existed now with Shepard's validation and approval. Such a wall she maintained of boldness and bravado to hide how pathetic she was, how small and insignificant she truly was in this galaxy. Yet without that wall, she was but a shell of a person, damaged and disgusted with herself. Sick of mind, sick of heart, Ashley made up a microcosm of flaws and flawed excuses, all shut behind an attractive face and body, a sharp mind and a sharper attitude. Layers and layers of lies, she remained in denial of the worst aspects of herself.

Only for that brief time when she had looked at herself in the mirror had Ashley taken her true self in.

But only briefly. Only for that brief, short time.

The stroke of her intuition, consciousness returning: Ashley began to stir, forcing herself awake. She had sensed me here—or rather, something—and a chill ran down her spine. As she shivered in that chill, her eyes found mine boring into hers. Ashley quaked in place there over that bed, startled back into reality. Shaking, shallow breaths, she stared back at me with her barely-masked fears, again trying to cover it all up, cover it all up out of habit.

This wall of hers was the only thing keeping her truths from spilling out—foul, hazardous, and toxic.

Still, through that poison, we found our silent agreement here:

I could do nothing to her, and she could do nothing to me, for obvious reasons.

Otherwise, we risked far too much.

"Good morning, Ashley," I greeted, as hollow as her substance. "Though I suppose it isn't quite dawn yet, in solar hours. Only four in the morning. It would be strange to say good evening instead, wouldn't it?" Sucking in those trembling breaths of hers, Ashley could but stare and stare. "Surely you must realize that I am shackled at this point. There is no need for you to fear me. Not anymore. Not unless you are unable to control yourself going forward. Though somehow I doubt you will succeed."

Shuddering now, as if freezing cold, Ashley needed to know, "What do you want…? What the hell do you still want with me? Haven't you done enough? How long have you been standing there for?!"

"A few hours now," I told her. "After all, you know how very patient I am, don't you? Once again, this should not come as a surprise." Ashley balled her fists in a powerful grip, finding more of her restraint, her control. "We should have one more talk, Ashley. One final conversation. Whatever happens afterward will solely depend on you. I believe that's fair."

Holding back more—perhaps too much—Ashley could only lie there.

Staring up at the ceiling now, she vacillated between her fears and her anger both, back and forth, back and forth, pushing and pulling, pushing and pulling between one another over and over again. Feeling her emotions in this wordless exchange, I sensed her overwhelming dread, of how trapped she was in this situation with me. She felt that Shepard would never take her side over this. She felt that Shepard would never accept or believe the truth of what I had done, of what had brought me to that brink.

Begrudging herself, Ashley accepted her own responsibilities: for she knew, if she dared to tell Shepard about any of this, she would need to explain the whole story. She would need to explain her part in it, my part in it: the choices and consequences, the causes and effects.

Her part in this story would make her look terrible in Shepard's eyes.

Her part in this tale of ours would change Shepard's feelings toward her—or so she believed.

That belief was enough.

More than enough, we both heard the sounds of someone walking outside, through the mess hall. Less walking and more stomping in softness, stumbling slightly: whoever was out there sounded less-than-lucid, mumbling and grumbling to themselves in a half-waking, half-sleeping sleepwalk. They did not come anywhere near the med bay, instead choosing to head to the kitchen. Vague sounds of the refrigerator opening and utensils clicking and moving around: that person was clearly preoccupied.

They would not disturb this conversation here.

Ashley admonished me with her half-broken pride, "Say what you have to say to me, creep."

Quite the tame insult from her, all things considered.

And so I explained, "You understand that it is in both of our interests to keep this quiet. No one would believe what happened, let alone her. So why risk it? We ought to bury this now. Don't you agree?"

Defiance through the terrors unraveling her voice—"Oh, don't worry. I'm taking this to the grave."

"As will I. But, as I said, this is contingent on you. If you push me again, I will not hold back next time."

"I have nothing else to say to you," claimed Ashley, still shaking. "There's no risk that way."

"Hardly," I pointed out. "Even if you and I never speak to one another again outside of the mission, you must see that it is still possible: you are fully capable of crossing a line with me again. It is bound to happen once more. Knowing how you are, I cannot help but feel that this is…unavoidable." I sensed that Ashley knew what I meant—she swallowed the salted air in her throat, souring over her truths. "When you hurt her beyond repair, I will know. And when this happens, we will see what becomes of you."

Trying to compensate, trying to compensate: "You don't know shit, Liara… You don't. There's no way!"

"Ashley, there is no need for these foolish lies of yours," I scolded. "It is the same with Shepard—through her, I understand you completely. She may not be able to see you with this mental eye of mine, but I can. I know your every thought, your every emotion, your intentions… You cannot hide from me."

Discarding that useless pride of hers at last, Ashley could only keep her eyes fixed to the ceiling.

Avoiding me.

Trying to escape, trying to hide from me in plain sight; exposed as the frightened fraud she truly was.

"For the time being, I will continue to be patient," I went on. "You and I will not speak again unless absolutely necessary. But I will be watching you. And when you hurt her in this inevitable way, she will end your relationship regardless of what she still feels in her heart—I guarantee you. Once that happens, you won't matter to her anymore."

Ashley knew that I was right.

Ashley knew that everything I said was perfectly possible, inevitable.

Ashley also knew that she was too stubborn to run away at this point, running directly into the sun itself.

"Whether you suffer alive or die in agony, Shepard will not care. Nothing will hold me back anymore—unless she deals with you herself, that is. Either way, I will be satisfied, and we can all finally move on."

Running right into her own destruction, all because she was too hard-headed, too selfish to turn back.

Ashley nearly whimpered over the raw truth of the matter, so undeniable. Almost a whimper, but not quite. The low, child-like pitch I heard through her throat was enough. Close enough for my needs.

So weak.

So vulnerable.

Making a point, I stepped toward her.

Standing beside her now, looking down at her once again.

Unable to keep her fists still, Ashley grabbed at her hands, nearly crushing the cartilage there beneath the gloves of her armor. Forcing herself to remain still, she could not meet my eyes. Even as I loomed here over her, she would not look at me, would not look at me.

"Ashley, I see what you are capable of," I warned. "Perhaps by accident, but it is possible. I will caution you against it nonetheless. With how close she and I are from our bond that you dared to call meaningless, I know enough of how this feels… You ripped her from my arms with your callous words." She knew—whether Ashley truly had this potential in her or not, she knew; her eyes welled in this sea of my meaning: "I am aware of your tastes for risks with unprotected sex with her. More importantly, I know of your sweet and innocent dreams of giving Shepard a family someday down the line. Should you decide to use this as an excuse to entrap her, pulling at her sense of responsibility, her obligation, and her honor toward you as the mother of her children, then that would be…a grave mistake."

Leaning down to her, more, I watched as Ashley struggled her hardest not to sob in front of me, as trapped as she was in her own mind, paralyzed by these prospects. She could see it, she could visualize it all—everything I had said, and the rest of what I had no need to articulate directly.

Feeding off of what I felt from Ashley already, I allowed myself to stand properly once more.

Finally having told her what I'd wanted to say that night in my hotel room, wordless as the rest was, I let myself have this release.

Even though my release came at her expense, twisting this knife through her heart, I didn't care.

These last words to her: "Of course, you are free to give up and forfeit. Give up on her, if it would be easier. If you truly believe it would save you from that inescapable pain. Still, I know you are far too hard-headed and selfish to do such a thing. For me, that is perfectly fine. So try not to cry too much—otherwise someone will notice, and you will not have any truthful answers to give. Good night, Ashley…"

I left to my room just nearby, leaving Ashley to her efforts to restrain herself, to stop those tears from falling. I left her to fester in her own flaws, all of them drowning her in heat, burning her as lava—burning her as she had done to me before. No more would I tolerate her behavior, so inexcusable. No more would I dwell on the impossible answers as to how and why Shepard could love someone so vile, petulant, expectant and demanding and downright unfair—even enjoying her unfairness, seeing Ashley's expectations and demands as some twisted, romantic ideal to strive toward.

Still, none of that mattered anymore. I had accomplished what I'd set out to do. Ashley would remain paralyzed like this going forward, her mind and her heart stuck in this grip of mine. Gripping her in this way, I allowed myself to remain satisfied. Such satisfaction at long last instead of running away in fear.

Locking my door, I soon fell asleep, finally at peace with myself, with my justifications after all this time.

(Shepard)

Intuition burning me out of my dreamless sleep—I sat up in bed, half-awake, half-asleep, worried now.

I had forced myself to rest hours ago with these same worries, only a little bit different. But after Dr. Chakwas had pretty much banned me from the med bay earlier to let Ashley get some sleep, I hadn't had a choice except to come up here to my room. Of course I'd wanted to stay. Of course I'd wanted to make sure that Ashley was all right, even after Dr. Chakwas had sedated her. After that whole ordeal on Virmire, I knew it had brought up terrible memories for her of the 212 on Eden Prime. I understood that.

Ashley was strong—she'd recover soon. She'd bounce back like before, like always.

Was that all, though?

Was this just about her sole survivor trauma over her old 212 unit?

I wasn't sure if it was. I couldn't help this feeling that something else was wrong. Terribly wrong.

Getting out of bed, I changed into my casual Alliance blues, and then went to my bathroom to wash the sleep from off of me. The whole time, I felt this seismic rumbling deep in my core, errant and unsatisfied. Like I couldn't stand being alone here without knowing if Ashley was all right. Like I couldn't even take care of myself unless I knew for certain that she was taken care of first.

I had such a difficult time breathing properly, not knowing for certain that she was okay.

I knew she was here on the ship. I knew she was in the med bay.

But without seeing her, without having her next to me, this anxiety continued to plague me.

I left my room with this anxiety, taking the elevator down to the crew deck.

The silence of the Normandy at this hour comforted me a bit. I could think clearly to myself, wondering what else could've been wrong with Ashley, aside from the obvious. I couldn't come up with anything definitive, aside from her natural concerns over Liara's role in my life and in this possible upcoming war. And yet I didn't let myself linger on that possible answer, if only because it didn't make sense. I thought that we had already found our peace with that. I thought that we had talked this over, and that Ashley had accepted things for what they were. I thought that we had found our own compromise, agreeing to stay together unless and until we absolutely couldn't anymore.

Because unless I had hallucinated that conversation we'd had yesterday during the mission, Ashley had no reason to worry about this.

So there had to be something else going on.

I remembered that she'd been really reserved right before the mission, too. Despite her mood improving midway through the operation, I couldn't forget how quiet she was before.

For all of Ashley's talk of trusting me, I definitely didn't feel like she did.

At least not enough to open up to me about the things that mattered most.

But I had to stop myself there. I couldn't be selfish like this, blaming Ashley for her own problems, and for not talking to me about them. I had to respect her space: there were some things she needed to deal with on her own, outside of me. She had to know that I was of course here to help if she needed me.

Maybe I just had to be patient for her first. And then she'd come around. I could do that for her.

Leaving the elevator, I crossed through the mess hall over to the med bay. I stopped about halfway once I heard someone in the kitchen. Someone grumbling and mumbling incoherently to themselves, while searching around in the cabinets for food: I saw Wrex there by himself, looking out of it as he navigated the kitchen on auto-pilot. He moved and handled objects in the kitchen as if he was perfectly awake. But from his nonsensical babbling and the lack of focus in his eyes, I could tell he must've been sleepwalking or something. And whatever he was busy talking to himself about, it sounded pretty serious.

I guessed since he had stopped drinking now, this was his next expression of his own worries.

It didn't look like he was in any danger of hurting himself in there.

Concerned for Wrex, I decided to leave him be, at least for now. I could keep listening to his activity from the med bay.

Through to this calming room filled with medical equipment, I found Ashley lying down in the same bed from earlier. Relieved that her wounds had closed, and that she was awake now, I walked over to her. Lightened in my relief, I let myself smile at her. Even when I saw this hardened mix of anger and anguish in her face, still so beautiful, I had to keep smiling. Not for me. For her instead, so that she could know that I was here, and that I supported her.

Caught up in her thoughts, Ashley took a while to notice me at her bedside.

Standing here, I held her hand closest to me, caressing the red-and-black material of her gloves.

Ashley was aware of me now, but she wouldn't meet my eyes. She kept staring up at the ceiling. Staring there, as if that surface held some type of answers for her. Staring there, as if looking at something or someone far beyond this room for hope and for guidance. Staring there, as if needing answers to these problems that continued to make her feel so trivial, so expendable compared to everything else.

I didn't necessarily want to interrupt her praying, but I at least wanted her to know that I was here.

"Ash," I tried. "I can tell you have a lot on your mind. You don't have to say anything to me if you don't want to." Ashley took a deep breath, acknowledging me that way. "After you fell asleep, I wanted to stay here with you. Trust me, I wanted to. Dr. Chakwas told me I should leave, get some rest. That's the only reason why I didn't stay. Something tells me I should've found a way anyway. I'm sorry."

She said nothing.

Through her eyes, I saw the way she kept grasping with her own perceived insignificance, on a much greater level than she had done back on Virmire. More than feeling small, expendable—I could see how powerless she felt. Powerless, trapped, weak: as much as she continued to remain here in this bed, she seemed trapped in her own mind in this same continuation, all as one giant continuum of perceptions.

It was like my words barely reached her.

Still holding Ashley's hand, I sat down on the bed, turning to face her as much as I could.

For as sharp as my intuition was, I wished I could've read Ashley's mind, knowing her right away instead.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I offered. "Whatever's bothering you, I'm here to listen. You know that."

This time, Ashley took a shuddering breath.

And still, she said nothing.

Her silence this time almost bruised me—until Ashley surprised me, moving aside, moving closer to the edge of the bed opposite me. She left enough space on this side for me to lie down with her. Intending as much, she finally found my eyes with hers in a quieted begging. So much longing there in her stare. She knew I couldn't resist. She knew that I needed this longing from her, if nothing else. She knew that I wanted her to talk to me, and that I needed to know what was wrong, yet this was all she could give me.

Accepting her needs, her reluctances, I lay down beside her. Halved on this bed as we were, we shouldn't have had enough room to do this. I didn't take up that much space. And Ashley found a way to compensate: she turned over to me, hiding her face against my neck, my chest, letting me hold her like this. Riddled with anxiety again, I held onto her as tightly as she gripped me, matching her strength, her need—because I realized now just how much I needed her to need me like this.

I stayed with Ashley like this for the longest: feeling her breaths, steady and normal; feeling her against me like this, her grip persisting even after she fell back asleep, like she never wanted me to let her go; feeling my heart break in my own powerlessness, over not being able to fix whatever was wrong. So I willed myself to stay awake, if it would somehow help me come up with a solution. I knew that it wouldn't. I could only fool myself into thinking that it would, at least for the time being.

As I lay here with Ashley, I kept looking to the nearby red light along the wall.

The door controls next to Liara's door, next to her room.

Red, locked. Disallowing anyone or anything from passing through to her space, her hideout.

Each time I found that light with my eyes, I glared at it so hard, sharp with my senses unconscious.

By the time we had nearly reached the Citadel, I'd made up my mind:

I wouldn't let Ashley out of my sight. Not unless absolutely necessary.

Or at least not until she seemed to get back to her usual self. And even then, I couldn't trust that something else would happen again, beyond my perception; and that she wouldn't tell me about it, whether it was to protect me from the truth or out of whatever shame she may have felt over the issue.

Ashley had become more than my heart in this near-literal sense. The veined connectors within me, keeping my blood pumping as hard and as hot as it did: they felt like her, so much like her. Every place in me that needed these connections, veins running through me in need: they felt like Ashley, tasting so much like the way she needed me, unspoken and interpreted. For as much as I could look at my arm and see that green there beneath the shade of my complexion, I needed to be able to do the same with her. And for as much as I could touch my wrist or my neck, feeling my pulse there, I needed to be able to reach out and do the exact same with her, all as an extension, this mirror of what I couldn't live without.

After making sure she got something to eat—which wasn't much, considering her lack of appetite—I followed Ashley to her room. Being here in real life for the second time, I found that her space was much cleaner than during our dream. Not ultra-sterilized like the last time, but still giving off a sense of belonging: neater stacks of her many poetry books and datapads; that bouquet of everlasting roses I had given her, scenting the room in a crisp, heady aroma.

I linked Ashley's holo-closet to mine in my room.

I collected the other essential things she needed to bring along: her private terminal and a few of those datapads.

I didn't want her to be in here by herself without me. I didn't want to leave her alone, again—not for anything, not unless I knew she would be all right.

I brought Ashley with me to my private quarters, and gave her official access to come up here whenever she wanted. Speaking only once, here, she did thank me for doing this. Getting to hear her voice again more than made up for everything else.

I had her take a shower in my bathroom without me. If I joined her, I already knew what I would fall into, unable to control myself.

While she did that, I set up her private terminal next to mine, over my desk, keeping her datapads here.

Since the Citadel was our next stop, I changed into my stealth suit, and tied my hair up into my tight tail at the center-back of my head, out of the way. I hadn't forgotten that Liara still had some of her clothes here in my holo-closet. I just changed the designation from her name to a series of binary numbers. I had already found an extra virtual space for Ashley's things far enough away from this one.

I then went to sit on my couch, bringing Ashley's damaged set of heavy armor with me. Meticulous in care, I used most of the omni-gel I had to patch up the holes from her wounds. I did this as I listened to the sounds of the shower, those noises shifting in movement whenever Ashley moved, especially the rinse of her hair whenever she forced those thicker gatherings of water to fall down below. And I did this as I thought over this situation again and again, my mind restless with this shifting of my priorities.

I knew that Ashley didn't need me to save her.

I knew that Ashley didn't need me to be her knight in shining armor—as if I ever could in the first place.

As prideful as she was, I knew that she didn't necessarily need my help—

Still, I couldn't fight this feeling that I had made the right choice in helping her anyway, as much as possible like this. Or maybe not helping her. Just keeping her close to me.

I kept Ashley closer once we left the Normandy with the team and Dr. Chakwas, heading down the elevator from the docking bay to the C-Sec Academy. I made sure to hold her hand, not caring who saw.

During this damned elevator ride, I tuned out the dull, obnoxious music playing over the speakers, doing my best to focus on Ashley's hand in mine. Tali, Garrus, and Wrex seemed normal enough, talking with Dr. Chakwas about her plans to stay at the hospital with her colleagues during our meeting with the Council. Liara was quiet as usual, paying enough attention to the conversation without chiming in herself. Her aggression from yesterday had blunted out, dimming to this calm silence of hers that I was used to. And during the off-chances when we did make eye contact, her eyes warmed a bit without her needing to outright smile at me. So I supposed she was fine after the mission, after everything. I could accept that and let her be.

Escaping the elevator at last, we reached the rapid transit panel here at C-Sec. Turian and human guards and officers walking around everywhere in their uniforms, I had kind of missed this place from the last time we'd been here the other week. These cherry trees decorated the view in another sense of calm, the aesthetic undeniable in its beauty. That pink and violet contrasted with the blue ambiance so nicely, making the bright lights seem brighter, the open spaces look wider, and the crowded areas feel denser.

After I sent the others to the Presidium to wait for us there, I took another rapid transit car with Ashley and Dr. Chakwas to the Huerta Memorial Hospital, also on the Presidium. Somehow, Dr. Chakwas knew to stay quiet during the ride, choosing not to engage us in any small-talk.

I realized that anyone else at the hospital could have helped Ashley with this: walk-in, no appointment.

I appreciated that Dr. Chakwas cared enough to do this on her own, needing to know for herself that Ashley would be fully operational again.

Once we made it to Huerta Memorial, I wasn't surprised that Ashley and I had attracted a horde of staring observers throughout this sterile space, as was typical by now. The receptionist behind the counter, the visitors standing and sitting by the tall picture windows at either side of the building overlooking the Presidium, and everyone else loitering around here in the entry area: they all knew who I was, and they knew who Ashley was, too. Whether they were shocked or intrigued, it didn't matter.

If the news hadn't spread around while I'd held Ashley's hand on the Alliance base, then it was bound to take the galaxy by storm now.

I couldn't care about that, glad that Ashley hadn't removed her hand from mine out of embarrassment.

I wasn't sure if she had told her family yet. They would know soon enough if they hadn't already.

Off in a smaller room filled with various types of medical equipment, Dr. Chakwas had Ashley sit down in one of the chairs here. Still a little too on-edge to sit down myself, I folded my arms and leaned against the wall nearby. Staring out the windows with a wonderful view of the Presidium's still-lake, the artificial clouds and daylight from the blue sky above, and the skycars zipping across in between there, I waited as Dr. Chakwas used the equipment here to get Ashley's omni-tool back online. It didn't take long at all—soon I saw that familiar orange glowing over her hand down her forearm, back to normal again.

"There!" said Dr. Chakwas. "You're as good as new. Let me just do what I can here to strengthen the connectors, to make sure nothing like this can happen again…"

Ashley managed to say, "Thanks, Dr. Chakwas. I appreciate all the help."

"Of course, Ashley," she replied, smiling for her. "That's what I'm here for. You know that." Dr. Chakwas finished up with Ashley's omni-tool, before using her own to run one last scan. "The medi-gel has healed your wounds, including the worst one in your arm. You will have some soreness there for a while, but it shouldn't keep you out of combat. And your diagnostics appear to be clean—much cleaner than they were before. Perhaps all you needed was a good night's sleep in a certain someone's arms after all."

Face reddening in a mild awkwardness, Ashley only nodded her agreement.

Dr. Chakwas laughed a bit. "All right, all right—no more teasing from me," she allowed. "I'll let the two of you get to your meeting with the Council. As I told the others earlier, I will be here visiting with a few of my colleagues until it is time for us to return the ship. I do hope you're able to convince the Council to our cause. If not, I'm sure you'll be able to find some type of alternative."

"Hopefully, yeah," I reinforced. "I'll call you once we're done here. We'll see you later, then."

"Take care, Commander. And you as well, Ashley."

We watched Dr. Chakwas leave the room, leaving us to this silence.

Only the vague, gentle sounds of the Presidium's skycars passing through the winds reached us here.

I regarded Ashley with that same gentleness, though not at all vague. She continued to sit there in that chair, well-aware of this look in my eyes, even if she wouldn't return my gaze. She had to know that I was glad: that she would be all right, and that she would recover from all of this—at least physically.

Ashley's emotions and her mental state weren't quite there yet. I doubted that they would catch up any time soon. Still, I thought of a way to help with that, even if it was only temporary.

Knowing that she wouldn't say anything first, either, I crossed this short distance between us.

I held my hand out to her, asking, "You ready to go?"

Ashley set her gloved hand over my palm, letting me help her stand up.

She finally looked at me, giving off this strong aura, like she wanted to say something, anything.

By the guilt in her expression, I understood that she felt bad for being so quiet with me all this time.

"Save it for now," I guided. "Before we meet with the Council, there's someplace I want to take you first. A little date here on the Presidium, at least compared to what we got up to back home. You up for it?"

Bright as a halved, flamed sun at dusk over the horizon, Ashley gave me a half-smile that spoke so much.

I smiled right back, before leading her out of the hospital with me.

Impervious to everyone's staring this time, Ashley and I ambled along the Presidium in a more comfortable silence. These pearl white walkways felt far more nostalgic to me now, considering the sheer contrast of how things were when I had first come here with Ashley months ago. When we had walked along these bridges and these paths before, I was so closed-off back then. When I had first stared into this still-lake beside us, finding her reflection there with mine, I had fooled myself into believing that she wasn't as beautiful as she was today. And when these stately buildings everywhere had first housed us together—the human embassy, the café beyond there, and the many upscale shops here by this lake—I could never let myself imagine that I would be back here someday with her like this.

I had made those knee-jerk assumptions about Ashley to protect myself, and we'd both paid the price.

But now the whole of the Presidium and the Citadel itself saw that we were together now.

Still fraught with her troubles, Ashley wasn't entirely the same yet, wasn't entirely normal or back to her usual self. Any progress was good progress in my eyes, and so I couldn't fault her for whatever else continued to linger on her mind and in her heart. She needed more time. I couldn't mind that.

Here next to the lake, and not too far from the inactive mass relay on display, I brought Ashley to this outdoor ice cream shop.

She had noticed it on the way here, also spotting the many politicians, dignitaries, and regular Citadel visitors walking by with their own ice cream cones and 'grown-up' chocolate popsicles. Smiling more in her gratitude, even if it was just for now, Ashley let me order something for us. I'd picked up on the way she'd had her eye on those popsicles, so I bought one for her and one for me.

We sat together at an all-white table right by the water, eating these popsicles at an easy pace: coated with milk chocolate as the exterior, filled with rich almonds and softer vanilla ice cream. Sitting side-by-side, our backs to the passing crowds a safe distance away, Ashley and I faced the lake, staring out at that blue as we ate. I let her enjoy this moment with me for as long as possible, not wanting to ruin the mood with my questions, my concerns. But for as serene as she was with me, I still couldn't help worrying about her, especially once I figured out how to approach this topic.

Ashley only lied or kept things from me when she thought I wouldn't approve.

When she thought I wouldn't take her side; when she thought I wouldn't believe her.

Or when she thought she needed to protect herself somehow, whether it was related to me or not.

I felt that it was my responsibility to set the record straight now, setting my own reservations aside. Her security with me was more important than my limits and tolerances.

Once Ashley leaned against my shoulder, warming me to my core, I knew that the time was right.

So I told her, "Babe, I know there's something else going on with you. And I'm not going to force you to tell me what it is. I can't do that. But I won't just stay quiet about this. Hear me out, please." Ashley of course wouldn't acknowledge if I was correct or not; she leaned more of her weight over me, listening in trust. "I need you to understand: whatever happened, and whatever happens in the future…as long as you're honest with me, and you give me all the details, I'm going to take your side. No matter what."

Still staying over my shoulder, Ashley angled her head to stare up at me in a soft surprise.

I met her eyes with my own in seriousness, holding her here, holding her gorgeous gaze with me.

"I remember what I told you before," I continued on. "About my deal-breaker. About how I can't stand injustice, unfairness. With you, the only thing that would feel unfair is if you lie to me. If you try to keep things from me. If you act like I won't care enough to notice what's up with you. Even if I can't articulate whatever it is, I always know. I see you, Ash—all the time. I can't look away from you. Ever."

Accepting my words, Ashley nodded to me.

"I'd like you to share this with me at some point. Obviously not now. Whenever you're ready. Okay?"

Stalling a bit, she asked, "Is there a time limit on this?"

"None," I permitted. "Like I said, I only want you to tell me when you're ready. Doesn't matter how long it takes. And I'll say it again—you are my heart. I want to take care of you. I can't do that properly without enough information. As long as you know that, I'm fine with waiting."

Even though she likely had no intentions of ever telling me, she still said, "Okay, Shepard. Thanks…"

Whatever Ashley chose to do in the end, simply having her acknowledgement was a godsend after everything—after I'd almost lost her. She knew that I cared. She knew that I loved her. That was enough.

Back at the Citadel Tower after these months, at the Council Chamber before the asari councilor, the turian councilor, and the salarian councilor, I'd had a strong feeling about how this meeting would go. Not even this lingering beauty of our surroundings could make up for anything. And though I'd missed this autumn-like atmosphere in these warm colors everywhere, rising up the tower, with these cherry trees with leaves of pink and violet instead of red and brown, it just wasn't the same anymore. Not at all the same, not with the Council giving us the run-around, despite presenting them with this evidence about Sovereign, about the Reapers, about Saren's plan to bring them all back—everything.

Defeatism almost overtook me as the team watched from a safe distance away along this platform, with Ambassador Udina and Captain Anderson here by my side.

These councilors were politicians, and politicians hated taking risks, but I still couldn't believe they were this thick, this reluctant, and this fucking stupid.

Udina tried to patronize me, "Shepard, we must focus on Saren, not this fairy tale you've conjured up about the Reapers. The Council cannot take action against some children's story. We can only prepare against the known threat, against Saren himself."

And Anderson tried to intervene, "Udina, you have to know that this isn't enough—!"

The asari councilor interjected, "The ambassador is correct. If Saren is foolish enough to attack the Citadel—as you believe—we will be ready for him. Anything more is beyond our control."

The turian councilor said, "Patrols are stationed at every mass relay linking Citadel space to the Terminus Systems. We will be ready."

As pointless as this was, I fought back anyway, "You seriously think a blockade's going to stop him? Saren's on Ilos looking for the Conduit right now! If you won't do anything about the Reapers, then what do you plan on doing about this?"

The salarian councilor lectured, "Ilos is only accessible through the Mu Relay, deep inside the Terminus Systems, Commander. If we send a fleet in there, the only possible outcome is full-scale war."

"Now is the time for discretion, Commander," patronized Udina, again. "Saren's greatest weapon was secrecy. Exposed, he is no longer a threat. This is over."

I snarled at him, "Damnit, Udina, if Saren finds the Conduit, we're all screwed! We have to go to Ilos!"

The turian councilor was all too kind to point out, "Ambassador Udina, I get the sense Commander Shepard isn't willing to let this go."

Udina went on, "There are serious political implications here, Shepard. Humanity's made great gains thanks to you. But now you're becoming more trouble than you're worth."

Anderson stood up for me: "You've gone too far, Udina! You'd sell the commander out over this? And for what? Is this really how you want to burn your bridges with her, of all people? After everything she's done for us!"

"It's just politics, Captain," claimed Udina. "As for Shepard, she has done her job, and now I must do mine. We've locked out all the Normandy's primary systems. Until further notice, you're grounded."

"Nobody stabs me in the back, Udina," I warned. "Nobody."

"I think it's time for you and your team to leave, Commander. You as well, Captain Anderson. This no longer concerns either of you. The Council can handle this. With my help, of course."

Fuming to high hell and back, I forced myself to walk away.

Anderson followed me back to the team at the other end of the platform.

I almost wanted to be pissed at him, too, since he should've known about Udina's plans. He should've warned me in that case. But I could see the innocence in Anderson's face, in how blindsided he was, too. He'd had no prior notice about any of this. Just another case of Udina being power-hungry, kissing the Council's ass for any scrap of leftovers off of the political table in front of him.

We moved far enough away, first, with Ashley, Garrus, Liara, Wrex, and Tali following after us.

The only reason my team didn't look defeated was because they believed in me—they believed in Anderson, too, knowing that we would find a way to push forward.

Secluded here near the stairs, Anderson apologized, "I'm sorry about all this… I honestly had no idea Udina would stoop this low. I figured he'd do it eventually, but to throw you under the bus like this—it takes a special kind of selfish to pull this off. I should have figured it out myself, told you ahead of time."

"There's no way you could've known," I rationalized. "It isn't your fault, Captain. But we really need to come up with another plan here. We can't afford to give up now."

"I know, Commander," agreed Anderson. "Believe me, we're on the same page here. If you don't get to Ilos, then the galaxy as we know it is done for. I promise I'll come up with a plan soon to get the Normandy back in your hands. Stick around on the Citadel for now. Once I've figured something out, I'll send you an email. We can meet at Flux, that club down on the Wards. Should be loud enough to have a private conversation there without drawing suspicion."

I let myself relax, for now, believing in him. "Sounds good, Anderson. I appreciate it."

"Of course, Shepard. I'll be in touch shortly."

Shortly, as I let myself believe, too, I took the team with me to the Upper Wards where Flux was.

After taking the rapid transit here, we found a bunch of people gathered around not too far from Flux's entrance. Protesting here in this wide indoor area, it sounded like they were from that extremist Terra Firma political party: human supremacists who hated 'alien sympathizers', and who believed we as humans needed to find our way in the galaxy alone. The protestors kept yelling shit like—"Remember Shanxi!" and "No blood for aliens!"—making it clear where they stood. They had close ties to Cerberus, which was no surprise—and it was yet another reason to stay the hell away from both groups.

Since we had a bit of time, the rest of the team wandered off, still staying in this general area, but far enough away from the damned protests going on.

I stayed with Ashley, standing here with her by this scenic view of the rest of the Wards in the distance, and the Citadel's artificial sun up above.

Even though she had done this earlier, I was still surprised when Ashley leaned against my shoulder, holding my arm in hers as she did. I stayed here with her like this, staring out to this view, beyond the windows in front of us: that endless shade of violet there along the Citadel's extended arms, gathered there as the mass of the cities of the Wards themselves. The lights from the buildings and passing skycars punctured that purple as red, yellow, as everything lighter and brighter, giving these sights so much life, vibrant in appeal.

I missed seeing that same life in Ashley herself.

I missed that same vibrancy from her, endless in her appeal that first drew me to her.

I respected that Ashley was far more complicated than that, but still—I felt like this was my fault somehow. Like it was my fault for leaving her alone. Like it was my fault for not keeping her close like this before, for letting myself think that we could be apart like before. A healthy amount of distance was fine, sure…but this seemed different somehow.

This comfort, this validation from having Ashley here with me like this: I realized and accepted how badly I needed her in this way. I needed her nearby more than I needed my space. I needed to know that she was all right—at all times—otherwise…

Otherwise:

I knew.

I understood.

I settled my lips over the warmth of Ashley's scalp, smelling my scent in her hair, accepting this. Every fine line of her hair, I felt beneath my press, my mess of emotions packaged nicely in the certainty of my convictions. The slight up-and-down movements from Ashley's head as she breathed, as she existed here with me—I felt the shift, like leaving some part of me on repeat for someone else to find and fiddle around with, not knowing that I had evolved far past that point. I had no need to outright block anything like before, like last time. Leaving this illusion behind was enough, more than enough. And it worked better in my favor, in Ashley's favor, because that someone else would never know.

That someone else and I would always be connected, regardless.

With Ashley, though, these last, lingering hesitations and reservations of mine had me shy again.

I wanted to tell her, in English this time, and with my voice this time, but the words refused to leave me.

The next best thing would have to do instead. For now.

"Ashley," I spoke, right over her hair, staring down at her still.

Serenity, peace: "Yeah?"

"You're incredibly beautiful, you know. I could never get tired of looking at you."

I felt Ashley's widening smile against my shoulder, over the fabric of my stealth suit.

She chose to tease me, a bit coy: "You're just saying that…"

"Not at all," I insisted, soft. "You catch my eye all the time without even trying. I like that you don't have to try. It's completely natural for you—and I adore that." Finding our singular reflection together in the window in front of us, Ashley's smile mesmerized me more. "Once we figure this whole Ilos thing out, we're going to have some downtime on the way there. You're staying with me in my bed with me tonight. I want to be with you. I want to please you, all night. However you want it, tell me, and I'll give it to you for as long as you need."

Equally as mesmerized by me, if not more, Ashley sighed in her yearning.

"You always manage to surprise me, Shepard," she whispered. "When I woke up in your arms earlier, I didn't think I'd be in the mood for this again. Not for a while, not for a long time. Hearing you like this…it feels so much easier to set the rest aside. I have no idea how you do it."

"Babe, whatever happens on Ilos, I don't want us to have any regrets. We should make the most of our time together until then. Maybe you feel the same way."

"No, I do… I really do feel the same way. I was scared that I wouldn't. I'm pretty sure I know how I want you tonight. But, I'll think it over anyway. I won't be able to help it."

"Good," I said. "Did you ever get a chance to write up that contract for us?"

Ashley nodded against me. "It's almost done," she confirmed. "I wrote it up right before Virmire, before I fell asleep that night. One of the datapads I brought from my room—that's what I used to write everything out. I'll finish it once we're back in your cabin. Shouldn't take me long at all."

"I'm looking forward to it."

"Mmm, you'd better. Some of it might surprise you. We'll talk it over."

Before I could ask about any of those mysterious surprises, I received the expected alert to my omni-tool, from Anderson's email. In his message, he confirmed that he had found a solution—and now he was at Flux, already waiting for us at a table there.

I gathered everyone up and had us head over to the club.

Past the stairs on the way there, some human kept calling out to me, asking for my attention—"Pardon me, soldier. Could I have a moment of your time?"—until he saw me holding Ashley's hand. Then his face went red. He went quiet. Somehow, he looked like one of those human extremists mixed with a drug addict, all in one annoying package. He made the right choice by leaving me alone, then.

The minimal pop-synth music playing in Flux reached my ears as we entered the club itself. Almost sterile compared to Chora's Den down in the Lower Wards, though I did appreciate the clean surfaces, no matter how dull they seemed. This layered mix of red lighting over the bar and the stairs leading to the quasar machines, and the pop of green light over the dance floor by the entrance did help this place stand out some more. But even with all of the Alliance types in their fatigues and the regular citizens in suits and dresses, I couldn't help feeling that this club lacked…something. At least compared to the ones I was used to, and preferred.

These people dancing with no rhythm whatsoever were definitely part of the problem.

Then again, the last time I had brought everyone here, Ashley did mention that her sisters would've loved this place—and that she wanted to bring them here to have a girls' night together. So if she approved, then I guessed this club wasn't so bad.

Not too far from the tall windows overlooking that same scenic view of the Upper Wards, we found Captain Anderson sitting at a table. Blending in with the crowd, he also had on his casual Alliance blues, not wanting to stand out at the moment in his usual uniform. I went to sit down with him while the team stayed just nearby, listening in.

Anderson gave me a smile unrelated to this Ilos business.

But he and I both knew: there was no time for us to sit and chat about Ashley and me.

"Good to see you again, Commander," he greeted. "Let's get down to business, then."

"Right," I agreed, glad to avoid the obvious reasons for that smile of his. "You said you figured out a way to get around the Normandy's lockdown?"

"Yes, I've figured something out. Citadel control's locked out all the Normandy's systems. But if we override the ambassador's orders, we can get them to bring the ship back online. You can be in the Terminus Systems before anyone even knows you're gone."

"What's the plan?" I asked.

Anderson explained, "There's really only one way to handle this safely. Ambassador Udina issued the lockdown order. If I can hack the computer in his office, maybe I can override it."

Ashley pointed out, "He's not gonna let you waltz into his office and use his computer."

"Hopefully, he won't be there. If he is, I'll just have to think of something. I'm not above giving him a good whacking for what he pulled with you during the meeting. Whatever it takes."

"As much as I agree with you, Udina won't let this slide, Captain. You'll be charged with treason, a capital offense."

"I know, Chief," accepted Anderson. "I know. But we don't have a lot of options. This is our best shot."

I decided, "If you think it'll work, then go for it. Break into Udina's office and do what you need to do."

"All right, then. I'll make this work. I have to. He's made this personal… Anyway, you ready to get the hell off this station, Commander?"

Now or never—"Let's do it."

"I'll take care of the lockdown," promised Anderson. "You get to the Normandy and tell Joker to stand by."

Back on the Normandy, Anderson came through for us: as I stood with Joker at the helm, I watched in real-time as the locks over the ship's systems disappeared. As soon as the ship was back online, I ordered Joker to get us the hell out of here and off to Ilos. We managed to escape the Citadel without anyone noticing, making it to the relay in record time.

Another overnight flight, and we would arrive to Ilos where the Conduit awaited.

The team returned to their stations, finishing up the last of their duties before getting some rest.

Ashley whispered in my ear, letting me know she would return to my room and finish up our contract.

She wouldn't say it, but she wanted me to speak to the others one last time. One last time, before we touched down on Ilos, where anything could've happened. I trusted everyone to do their best, yet our objective—finding the Conduit—was still vague at this point. We didn't know what the hell it was, exactly. We wouldn't find out until we got there and looked around for ourselves. I hated going into this nearly blind. We didn't have a choice, though.

Since Joker was right next to me, I lingered in place.

I didn't really know what to say to him. We hadn't spoken one-on-one—not since that night I found him up here giggling like a schoolkid over Liara and me. A lot had changed since then. Everything had changed since then. And he knew that, so he turned around in his chair to look at me properly.

Joker looked up at me standing here and said, "Hey, Commander, you don't have to say what's on your mind. I get it—this might be our last mission together if this all goes south. But hey, look on the bright side! We didn't have to play tag with the Citadel on our way out of that lockdown mess. Maybe the actual shit down on Ilos will be just as smooth!"

"If only," I humored. "We still don't know what the Conduit actually is. Finding it could be a nightmare."

"True, true," agreed Joker. "Still, you know what else was a nightmare? Not knowing how you felt. Not knowing if there was a real person in there, or if you were some kinda robot who only gave a damn about results. I know I'm probably cutting it close here with my emotional thoughts or whatever. Just wanted to say I'm glad you're happy with Ash and looking out for her. It does a hell of a lot to boost morale around here, that's for sure."

Lowering my guard a bit: "I don't get how this helps you fly the ship better, but if it works, it works."

"Shepard, come on! Of course you get it! Back in the day, we all kinda walked on eggshells around you, not knowing how close we were to pissing you off. One wrong move and BAM! The commander's throwing us out of the airlock next! We respected you then and we still respect you now—don't get me wrong. There's just less danger involved if we dare to ask you how you're doing."

"Joker, it's not like I wanted to be that angry," I tried. "Shit happened. I couldn't help it."

"I know, I know," he accepted. "Hell, I used to be the same way. You know how I got my nickname in flight school—I never smiled, so my instructors started calling me Joker. Guess I was pissed off, too. About my condition, about other people always looking down on me for it. I had a lot to prove. That's what landed me here. There's no place else I'd rather be, even if we are mutineers on the run. I care more about doing right by you than following the rules. So maybe everything happens for a reason."

"That's true," I accepted, as well. "Thanks, Joker. For sticking by the team. And for sticking by me. I appreciate everything you've done for us. I trust you to get us to Ilos in one piece."

Joker pretended to sniffle. "Aww, thanks, Commander. You're gonna make me cry now…"

"Don't get used to it," I deadpanned.

This time, Joker laughed.

"Aye, aye, Ma'am! Now go on, get out of here. I'm not the only one who wants to hear from you. We'll make it to Ilos faster than you can bang your girlfriend twice. Or five times. Or for the whole flight!"

I left the bridge, saying, "I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear you, Joker. It's for your own safety."

He called after me, "What? You know I'm right! The next time I see Ash, and she's got that look on her face, I'll know how many times you went at it! I bet you I'll be able to tell! You're a god, remember?"

I flipped him off over my shoulder.

Joker cackled and turned back around in his seat, returning most of his focus to flying the ship. Of course, one of the biggest perverts in the Alliance just so happened to be the best pilot around. But if he was this happy about Ashley and me, I couldn't really fault him for the way he joked around.

Heading through the command center, I took the winding staircase down to the crew deck, thin blue lights glowing over the steps in guidance. Out of curiosity, I checked the mess hall, finding that there was no one in here. Just this empty space, of this blue mixed with lighter orange, brightening the area in a calm contemplation. I had so many memories of seeing the others sitting here at these tables together—Ashley, Garrus, Wrex, Liara, Tali, Kaidan, Joker, and sometimes Dr. Chakwas—either all together or only a handful of them, eating there and talking without me. I had so many more memories of avoiding everyone here in this hall, in this kitchen, needing to be on my own: in and out with little regard for anyone I did happen to bump into.

Now that we were here at this moment, I almost regretted not spending enough time with them.

As friends.

But honestly, aside from Ashley, I was still convinced that I needed to maintain some kind of distance from everyone. At least on the surface. Not out of fear this time. Only out of a sense of professionalism, in order to make it clear that yes, we were friends, yet we still had to keep this hierarchy going. I would never be Best Friends Forever with the team, though they were allowed to come to me if they needed my help with anything—work-related or personal. That was the best balance for me, and for all of us.

Satisfied with my decision, I looked inside the med bay next.

Dr. Chakwas wasn't in here, though I did spot her e-book reader over her desk, next to her terminal. She wouldn't have left to her quarters without it. I assumed she would be back soon enough.

Liara's door was locked again—that glare of red light over her door controls. After my maneuvering, she couldn't know that I meant to speak to her now. So I couldn't blame her for locking herself in her room.

I left to the elevator, figuring I would return to the med bay later, after talking to the others first.

Compared to the mess hall, my memories of this slow ass elevator were less sentimental. Outside of missions with the Mako, I had only used this a handful of times to come down to the cargo hold instead of going up to my private room. I mostly remembered standing around here on my own in my stealth suit, as I did now, heading down to meet everyone gearing up in the armory after our mission briefings.

As the elevator door opened, I found that armory again off in the near-distance: and as I already knew and expected, Ashley was not there, instead working on our contract up in my room. But as I stepped out to the endless dark blue of the cargo bay, I found myself swelling with actual regrets this time: regrets over not speaking to Ashley more while she cleaned our rifles, regrets over not approaching her first a long time ago, and regrets over having made her first month aboard my ship a living hell with my false beliefs about her.

I'd always known that she liked me, and I had liked her, too, in my own ways.

I really should have set my reservations aside in favor of getting to know her sooner instead.

I wasn't convinced that she would've been able to tear down my barriers in the same way that Liara had, but for the sake of avoiding that mess from before, it would've been nice if I had kept to one woman:

If I had kept to Ashley, and only Ashley.

Fresh with my memories of the one and only time I had come down to chat with her before shore leave, I looked to Garrus and Wrex in here instead. Garrus finished up with the last of his calibrations on the Mako before the next mission; Wrex surveyed Ashley's red and black armor, nodding as he found that I had patched those holes up to his satisfaction.

I went over to Garrus first, knowing that I had neglected him over these long months.

Nothing on purpose on my end. Garrus and I had just had the fewest opportunities to connect in any sort of way. I knew that he had plenty of leadership skills from his time in C-Sec, and so he had been on that pipeline of reliable leaders among the team. If Kaidan or Ashley couldn't take charge for whatever reason, then I would always look to Garrus to step up and fill in the gaps. I respected that he was a competent sniper as well. And I didn't mind that he was more reserved than some of the others—maybe even more reserved than I was. It simply left us with next to no room to have a real conversation with each other.

Once I reached Garrus at his station, he stopped his work, looking to me in gratitude.

"Hey, Commander," he said. "Thanks for stopping by. The Mako will be up and running again in no time. She took a beating on Virmire, what with all those geth shooting at us, whittling down her shields. Not much I can do about those maneuverability issues. I suppose we'll just have to make do."

"Yeah, we'll manage," I agreed. "I appreciate your hard work, Garrus. How are you holding up down here?"

Garrus smiled, despite everything: "Well, I'm worried about the optics. Mutiny's a pretty big deal, especially in the turian military. If this whole Ilos thing doesn't turn out the way we hope, it won't end up well for us. But I'm confident we're doing the right thing. If we'd sat back and done nothing, the outcome could've been much worse than what we're risking today."

"I'm glad that's how you see things. Not much red tape in our way this time."

"Not much at all. Just Captain Anderson committing treason for us while we run off to deal with Saren."

"I'm sure Anderson will be all right," I reassured. "Once all of this is over, the Council will see that he did the right thing. And if they don't, I'll make them see reason."

"I'm happy that the captain can count on you, Commander. And I'm happy that we can count on you, too. You haven't let us down, not once. You get the job done, no matter the cost. Even when that cost may make me uncomfortable. But it doesn't matter how I personally feel. What matters is that I believe in you. You'll pull off the impossible if necessary. I'm sure of it."

"Thanks, Garrus," I replied. "I'm sorry you and I haven't had the chance to speak much during this mission. You've been a reliable member of the team as one of our leaders. I respect everything that you've done for us as well."

Garrus smiled more. "Hearing that from you helps a lot," he expressed. "I did have my concerns that maybe we didn't get along, or that you didn't care like this. Glad to see I was wrong. I guess we're so similar in some ways, it's hard to see past our own silence. I'll do my best to keep this conversation close by."

"I want you to do that, yeah. You don't have to take my silence to mean that I care any less. It's just how I am; it's just how you are. We can have this quiet understanding instead."

"Absolutely," settled Garrus. "I appreciate that, Shepard. For now, though, I shouldn't keep you any longer. I need to take care of the last of these calibrations before I get some rest. You should get some rest, too, whenever you can."

I gave him a curt nod. "I will. I'll let you get back to it, then. I'll see you later once it's time to head out."

Garrus returned my nod, continuing on with his work.

I crossed the cargo bay to the opposite side, over to Wrex here by our armor lockers.

Setting Ashley's armor back in her locker, Wrex acknowledged me—"Shepard."

I acknowledged him back—"Wrex."

Wrex smirked at me. "Glad you've still got your sense of humor," he remarked. "It's a big deal, what we've done. Stealing the Normandy and all. But I'm with you, Shepard. All the way. No turning back now. Wouldn't want to, anyway. We owe Saren an ass-kicking."

"Good to hear, Wrex," I told him. "You doing all right?"

"Hmm, yeah, maybe," he replied, uncertain. "Stopped drinking. Didn't want to cause any more problems for us. Then I woke up in my room today with a bunch of stuff from the kitchen. Can't remember how any of it got there."

I remembered his sleepwalking. "Have you talked to Dr. Chakwas about this?"

"I did. She gave me some meds to take. They're supposed to work for krogan. I'll just have to trust her."

"Are you stressed? Anxious?"

Wrex sighed, admitting, "Both—that's what the meds are for. I'll keep my head on for Ilos, of course. Outside of that, I'm not proud of what I did back on Virmire. What I almost did. You and Ashley are my friends. Should've never pulled a gun on you. Even if I was hungover like hell. That's no excuse…"

"Wrex, it's okay," I insisted. "We talked this over. What I said still applies. Ashley forgave you. I forgive you. We can move on from this, can't we?"

"We can," he allowed. "I'll get over this soon enough. Guess it'll take time, that's all. Sorry for being all emotional, Shepard. It's not like me. The floodgates are kinda open now. Can't just tune shit out like I did before. Gotta learn how to actually deal with all of this now, instead of burying it."

I empathized, "It's definitely a learning process. I can relate."

Wrex chuckled. "I can believe that," he said. "I'd tease you about it, but…I don't know, I'm still kind of tired. Everyone's armor is taken care of. I made sure to reinforce Chief's shields and protections now that your omni-gel's all settled in. She'll be indestructible in case the worst somehow happens again."

"Go get some sleep, then," I encouraged. "You'll need it before Ilos. We don't know what to expect down there, not for certain. I want you at your best."

"Yeah, I'll get a move-on and head back to bed. Whatever happens, Shepard, I just wanted to say thanks. For helping this old fossil grow into a stronger person. Still working on some things, though. I hope you can be patient with me."

I offered my hand to him. "Thank you, Wrex. This team wouldn't be the same without you."

Wrex shook my hand in appreciation. "And we wouldn't have made it this far without you, Commander. You're a hell of a leader. We'll keep on following you, wherever this path takes us."

I watched as Wrex took the elevator back up to the crew deck, so that he could return to his room.

Hopefully no more sleepwalking from now on.

As the last stop down here, I walked over to Engineering, through the door. Engineer Adams wasn't in here, or any of the rest of the crew. I only saw Tali at her same station on the left side, right next to the bright, calming pulses of the drive core. Not typing away at her private terminal this time, she looked like she was in the middle of something with the drive core itself, working on the panel there.

She did have her private terminal here, off to the side while it ran a program in the background.

I approached her, speaking up sooner this time—"Tali?"

Surprised that I hadn't startled her, Tali turned to regard me. "Oh! Hello, Shepard," she greeted. "This is quite exciting, isn't it? Being on the run like this aboard the Normandy. It's a new experience for us all."

"You mean you're not worried?" I questioned.

"No, not really," admitted Tali. "Then again, I know I should be… Stealing ships in the Migrant Fleet is a capital offense. I can only imagine how badly the Alliance would punish us if they somehow found out. I mean, they will find out. But once they see that it was worth it, I'm positive that they'll change their thinking on this. Saren won't just sit around and wait for us to stop him, after all."

Still confused, I shared, "Well, I'm happy to see you're practicing some positive thinking."

Tali giggled. "Don't be silly, Shepard," she told me. "I trust you. We'll be fine. That's how I'm able to stay positive about this whole thing."

"I appreciate that, you know," I responded. "We couldn't have gotten this far without your skills and expertise. I'll miss you whenever you decide to head back to your people."

"Thanks… But you don't have to worry. That won't be for a while yet. I'll stay here for as long as you need me. Serving my captain in this way makes me feel fulfilled. I wouldn't trade this for anything in the galaxy. You have my word."

Her sweetness made me smile.

Just as sweet, Tali gave me a hug.

She let out a comforted exhale here against me, here in my hold, revitalized even past her already-positive state. I let myself linger with her for a bit—since we might not have made it back from Ilos, since this might have been our last time doing this. Second and possibly last, but it didn't matter. I believed Tali's promises to me: that she would always be here, no matter what. I had no reason to doubt her, not even with her feelings for me in the picture.

Purely so, the way Tali expected nothing in return kept me close to her, caring for her in this way.

"Tali," I said.

"Mmm?"

Realizing that we had a lot unspoken between us, I told her, "You know, if there's anything you need… Anything you want to talk about. I'm here."

She laughed softly, a bit mischievous. Like she had a glint in her tone. Getting to me a little too much.

"I know that," replied Tali, with another glint, noticing my reactions. "And I love that you're here. We don't need to discuss anything right now. Not like that. Although I do want to ask you something."

"What is it?"

Wording herself carefully: "Do you really have a habit of running away? Running from your feelings?"

"Yes," I confessed.

"So what I'm noticing about you…what I've always noticed: I'm not seeing things?"

Controlling my breathing, I couldn't respond to that. I only held her closer to me.

Tali hummed, intrigued. "I see. Well, let's just say this contributes greatly to my positive thinking. You will do what you need to do. Whatever you decide, I'm not going anywhere. I'm happy to serve you. You are my beloved captain. I would do anything for you. Truly. As long as you know that, I'll be fine."

Once again with her, with my instincts:

Somehow, Tali seemed to know more about me than she let on… A lot more than what my defenses showed. Way more than anything she could simply notice on her own. Unless I was that transparent around her. She was impossibly perceptive, after all. It was one of the things I liked about her so much.

Still, something kept telling me to keep her out of this. To not let her get involved. To protect her instead.

Even if it meant coddling her, or babysitting her, as she'd probably accused me of before…I had to do it.

Otherwise, I could have lost her to the chaos brimming beneath the surface, far past my view.

"All right," I accepted. "I just…wanted you to know that I care, Tali. Even when I don't say anything. My silence isn't negative. Not with you. As my friend, you're special to me. I don't ever want that to change."

"Special, hm?" she fantasized, sounding pleased. "Like some type of princess? One deserving of your unique, special treatment this way?"

I didn't mean to laugh at that. "Yeah, maybe. I wouldn't let anyone else get away with calling me a big softy, that's for sure. I think I still have plenty to learn from you. I like having you in my life, exactly as you are. So, if you need me for something, then I want you to let me know. You can rely on me."

"It's very sweet of you," whispered Tali, pulling away. "Thank you, Shepard…" We stared at each other for a long moment. Imagining. "We'll make it out of this, with the mission. We have to. I know you'll do whatever it takes to make sure we succeed." Sighing in contentment, she then gestured to her private terminal. "By the way, I'm nearly finished with unencrypting those notes from Liara's mother. Sorry it's taken so long. I'm assuming this must be valuable. I'll have it ready for you once it's time to leave."

"Thanks, Tali. It means a lot. I should go. Make sure you get some sleep soon, all right?"

"Yes, I'll be sure to do that. See you later!"

Smiling at her one last time—almost wistful with what remained unspoken, lingering between us—I left Engineering, and went back up the elevator.

Crew deck again, med bay again: I still didn't see Dr. Chakwas in here. Her e-book reader was still on her desk. And the door to Liara's room was still locked.

I went over to her door anyway, knocking.

Waiting, waiting for a few minutes—no answer.

I knocked again, firmer this time.

This time, Liara answered the door, looking annoyed at first, like I had disturbed her. I smelled this familiar, breezy scent from inside her room, and from her directly, making me smile a bit.

Then she saw that it was me, and that annoyance faded away to shock, to confusion.

"Hey, Liara," I said to her. "Just wanted to check up on you. Everything all right?"

Liara had trouble keeping eye contact with me now.

"Yes… I am fine. Thank you for asking."

Whether she knew what I had done or not, it didn't matter.

I couldn't believe that she was all right, though.

Not entirely.

Not really.

At this stage, it wasn't my place to ask. Even as much as Liara stared at me in this thin fog of hers, feeling us together, but without her moment-to-moment clairvoyance, I knew that this was best. She suspected something was up. She couldn't know what it was for certain. She couldn't spot this second in me to see where my thoughts were, where my emotions were.

Hiding from her as a ghost, as a shadow.

I embraced Liara anyway, despite how off-balance she was.

Universal in her own longings, she returned my hold, delicate this time.

"This will all be over soon, Shepard," murmured Liara, against my chest. "One way or another."

Stroking her back, and the crests over her head, I let that speak as my agreement.

Approaching footsteps made Liara step out of my hold, away from me. She moved back inside her room, only giving me one last look: her head canted downward, the wide blue of her eyes as uncertain as she had been back on Virmire, if not more. Whatever that more was, Liara wouldn't let me figure it out or discern it in any way whatsoever—she closed her door, with that automated sound as air, before the red of her door controls returned once more.

Even though this was best…I felt my chest constricting anyway.

Maybe I shouldn't have felt this way about her, still. But it was—important. Difficult to let go of.

At this rate, I probably never would. And I accepted that.

I walked away, about halfway through the med bay when Dr. Chakwas entered.

"How good to see you again, Commander," she said with a smile. "Were it under better circumstances, of course. I do worry about us being fugitives from the Alliance. But the crew are all counting on you to not let them down. I have faith in you."

"I appreciate that," I replied, watching as she picked up that e-book reader of hers. "I can't afford to let everyone down. Not for anything. We'll get this done."

"I trust your convictions. If there is anything I can do to help once the battle is over, I will be here. As always."

I gave her a nod, and stepped by her.

But as I was about to leave to the elevator, I stopped in the doorway.

I stopped here, in this divider between the med bay and the mess hall, thinking…

Thinking, and feeling all the universe here within me, deep in my mind.

Dr. Chakwas sensed the same thing, speaking with the same gravity I felt: "Shepard, there is one last thing… You recall when I emailed you on your birthday, I mentioned that your mind appears to be greatly fortified. I meant what I said back then. Every word of it."

Unable to face her with this sudden dread of mine, I asked, "And now…?"

"Once more, I am not certain of how I know this…but you are ready. Whatever that means. Whatever that could possibly imply, I don't know. All I do know is that this is what you are. You are completely and utterly prepared now to pull off the impossible. So, Commander, should you find yourself in a challenging situation down on Ilos, I would like you to remember my words—remember what I have said to you, speaking on through my own unconscious perception. Remember this, and push forward."

Through my same perception, this collective known unknown, I believed her.

"Thanks, Dr. Chakwas," I said to her, not quite all there anymore. "Thanks—for everything you've done for us. I promise I'll keep your words in mind."

Returning to my room at last, I still felt like I was outside of my own body somehow, looking in.

The only thing that brought me back down was seeing Ashley again—she sat at my desk at her private terminal, jotting something down on one of those datapads of hers. Illuminated by the light of the aquarium, she had found her comfort here already, as I'd hoped, wearing her usual oversized T-shirt and those tight pants of hers. Her screen showed all the extranet tabs she had open to various kink sites, and she had her omni-tool open to the team's chat room. From what little I could see of their chatting, everyone seemed happy that I had stopped by to talk with them individually, encouraged by my efforts.

Everyone minus one specific person.

I walked closer to Ashley, ripe with this rippling feeling of my heartbeats reverberating in me, all over, just from having her presence here.

She flipped her datapad over in a panic, and quickly closed her omni-tool's interface.

"Hey, babe," I said, not minding this panic of hers, and leaning down to kiss her—

"—wait a minute, no peeking!"

Ashley pushed me away by my jaw, keeping me from spotting what she'd written down for our contract.

Looking off to the side now instead, I smiled, asking her, "Hard at work, then?"

"Finishing up these last touches, Skipper!" replied Ashley, oblivious to what I had spotted from her multi-tasking. "Why don't you take a shower or something? I should be done by the time you're out."

"You should, huh?" I probed, heading over to my mini-refrigerator.

"Yeah…I definitely should be."

Before taking my shower, I found that same bottle of rich, sweet white wine from that last time Ashley was here with me. I poured a glass for her and only her, indulging in this feeling: of how nice it felt to have Ashley in my room like this, getting to come back to her, returning home to her in a way. I loved it even more considering she had been in a terrible mood earlier, and for good reason. Then again, even if she did choose to not share the details with me—never, ever—I couldn't fault her for it. For the time being, I was relieved that she had bounced back.

This resilience of hers was part of what made Ashley so attractive to me in the first place.

No matter the odds, she never let anything defeat her.

Eventually, she always persisted and won.

I truly respected that about her.

I returned to Ashley with this respect, with this glass of wine—with my hand over my eyes.

As I reached her at the desk, Ashley laughed in delight. "Shepard…seriously. How are you this sweet?"

I handed her the glass. "Here, babe. You're free to look around the room for whatever you want. If you're hungry or if you need a drink, I have plenty to choose from in the refrigerator. As far as I'm concerned, this is your space, too."

Ashley accepted the wine, setting it down over the desk.

She then stood up, giving me this unexpected taste of her lips, of her own smile so reliable, so firm and succulent and sweet.

"You're still a lifesaver, you know," whispered Ashley, breathing into me. "With everything that's going on lately…I thought I was in this on my own. And I could've dealt with it by myself. I planned on doing it. That's what I'm used to. Then you found me again, reminding me that I have you to lean on."

Sight darkened by my hand, by my closed eyes, I wished I could have looked at her right now.

Regardless, I shared with her, "Ash, I know you're used to dealing with things on your own. So am I. There are some habits I might not get over for a while. But I'm here for you. We can work things out, together. As long as I have this certainty with you, I can be pretty patient about things. More understanding than I normally would be. You know exactly why."

This smile in her voice, brightened by me: "Yeah, I do… When you're ready for me to understand, I'll be here, waiting for you to tell me." Ashley then turned me around. "Okay, kicking you out now! I'll see you when you're done, Skipper."

"Whatever you want, babe."

Ashley laughed again, sexy in her mischief this time, before sitting back down and returning to those finishing touches.

As I showered alone without her, though, this weird out-of-body feeling came back to me. Since we honestly had no idea what awaited us on Ilos, I couldn't help thinking that this was related somehow. Like I would finally have some kind of definite answers to these strange experiences, these strange connections, these strange tolerances I had built up over these long months. All the while, Liara wouldn't leave these thoughts of mine. She was connected to this whole thing, somehow—or rather, the very foundation of it, just as I felt her here in my own foundations, right where she'd always been.

So much more was out there, waiting for us to find it.

Waiting for me to stumble upon it.

Way too much, even—beyond my own comprehension now, beyond my own recollection.

All I could really recall, from the absolute beginning, was how I had denied these connections, these threads binding us all together. Then again, somewhere, I knew the truth of it all, buried deep down, far out of my reach. Wherever that place was, I understood that I would have to pull from it soon.

Pulling from a fountain, pulling from a well: I needed this water first to sate me.

Turning off the water of my shower once I was done, I put my clothes on, and dealt with my hair: applying this heat protector before the actual heat itself—drying, straightening. I felt this heat from my hair baring down along my back, just over the thinness of my white tank top, sleeveless. Black of my boxer briefs, black of my sweatpants—such normal, solid colors, uninterrupted by anything brighter or more distracting, sticking to this one, predictable path of preferences.

I had no idea how, but I felt ready, too.

And not just because Dr. Chakwas had said that I was.

I froze this feeling in place, too, for now, deciding to come back to it when I needed it most.

Freezing more, this damned snap freeze got to me as soon as I left my bathroom, temperatures equalizing. I forgot all about it once I saw Ashley again, as she stood up from the desk, finding me here right beside her. She guarded that datapad close to her chest, looking eager to have this talk with me before anything else.

"Done this time?" I asked.

"Yep, I'm all set," replied Ashley. "Let's sit together. I want to know what you think."

I saw her half-full glass of wine on the desk, taking it with me. Letting me hold her free hand up with mine, Ashley followed me down the short flight of steps to the couch. We sat down next to one another on the same side as last time, facing the TV, the aquarium. Adding to the memory, I went ahead and turned the television on, bring up those same types of music videos like before: my usual choice of music, to avoid any possible awkward silences. Not that I thought we would have any. We were more or less comfortable with each other without feeling complacent, which I enjoyed.

Ashley handed me the contact for me to look over. As I did, she covered her legs with that same red blanket of mine. Holding back her anxieties, she watched me as I read, as I drank the rest of her leftover wine; she listened to the soft simmer of the music, yet she still kept her focus to me.

If nothing else, she could tell that I was pleased by the simplicity here in her forced-neat handwriting.

The way she had organized this, Ashley stuck to that same simplicity. She first specified that the terms of this contract were flexible—if something changed down the line, then we could add or remove certain things whenever we needed to. For now, this was what she wanted. And under these headings, she listed each of these things for me to read plainly, once again in simplicity.

I wasn't at all surprised by most of the things she had added, and the categories she had added them under:

Things I don't want for us – hard limits

-You-know-what. Non-negotiable.

-Yelling at me while I'm in a submissive headspace.

-Cheating on me. I know what I said about this before. I don't want you to do it.

-Cheating on you. I'd never hurt you like that.

-Pushing you too hard if you let me top you. I'll go with whatever you're in the mood for.

-Bondage. No tying me down.

-Anything too physical: choking, slapping, hitting, flogging, whatever else. That's just asking for us to get into a fist fight, and there's no way I'm doing that with you. Maybe I'll let you spank me.

-Anything else involving physical pain or risky sensations. Same thing. I'm not a masochist like that.

-Depriving me of my senses. I trust you, but I need to be aware of what's going on.

-Swinging. Too much drama.

-If something somehow goes too far, "fuck off" will stop everything immediately. That's the safe word.

-No setting your omni-tool status to unavailable if you're talking in private with another woman.

-If another woman likes you, I don't mind if you hug her. Anything more than that is a no-go. I don't want you kissing her or spending a bunch of time with her or whatever else.

Things I'm unsure about for now – soft limits

-Polyamory with or without actual romantic feelings involved. And it would only be for one woman that we both want. A certain woman we already know is a hard limit. Just no.

-If I do make that exception, then I won't mind what you do with her in private. Maybe you wouldn't mind what I did with her, either. That would take some serious trust.

-Still going back to this whole polyamory thing, I could accept her as your other submissive partner, part-time. You'd have to agree to let me watch or join in if I feel like it.

-I'm always going to be your main one, your one and only. I refuse to play second-best to anyone ever again. Not when it comes to you. If I tell you we have to call it off with her, then we'll call it off.

-I would only make an exception to these soft limits under special circumstances. So they're technically hard limits for now unless and until we agree on someone like this.

Things I want/need for us

-I'm in charge. I want you to please me. I want you to put me first. I want you to let me be selfish for once in my life, while still not going overboard. I need to be able to rely on you, to trust you completely. I mean it.

-Handing the reins back to you for work, for missions. You're in charge. I won't buck your authority.

-Edge play: giving you a handjob/blowjob while you're asleep, and you fucking me while I'm asleep.

-Rough sex, but within reason. I want that power play with you more than anything.

-Having your so-called mess on my face, down my throat, inside of me. Anywhere on me.

-Taking that risk with you. No protection. I'll take my meds afterward…unless we're trying for something.

-You as my true superior. This gets back to letting me be selfish. I can be a brat when I don't get my way. Whether I say it out loud or not, when I want something, I need you to give it to me.

-Dress me and undress me as much as possible. Even with my armor before and after missions. Even if you're pissed off at me, I need you to do this one thing. It can be our little moment together. If we're in the armory, then I don't care who sees. They won't get it anyway. I like that they won't understand. If they ask, just ignore them. I'll do my best to not get carried away, slipping too far into subspace.

-If we're in a fight, and I'm mad at you, then I want you to apologize first. Doesn't matter who's right.

-If we're in a fight, and we're out somewhere, I want you to hold my hand anyway. I want your manners.

-Holding hands, your manners: as long as we're not on an active battlefield, then I want this from you.

-I'll sleep in my room if you need your space. Other than that, I want us to sleep together from now on.

-Staying faithful. This goes back to us not cheating. I need you to be faithful to me. I'll be faithful to you.

-Let me be fair to you as much as possible. I'll show you my gratitude when I can. When you've earned it.

-Let me be demanding, bitchy, judgmental—whatever. Let me challenge you. I bet you secretly like it.

-Communicating in general. If I don't know what you're thinking, what you're feeling, it's like I'm lost.

Things I'm open to doing with you

-Cucking. If there's another woman who wants you, and I'm into the idea, then I want to watch you fuck her. Anything not on my terms and without my permission would be cheating. That would break my heart. And if I tell you to stop at any time, for any reason, then you'd better fucking stop.

-Threesomes (or a little more). Same as with cucking. Maybe I'll join in if I really want to. Women only.

-24/7. More of an extension of your superiority. I'm not sure how this would work during missions. But the idea of giving up total control to you twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week…it does turn me on a lot.

-Exhibitionism. Even if we're only having sex somewhere in public with no one else around, like our first time, I'd be happy with that. Ease me into more over time if you want. It mostly depends on you.

-Whatever else. If something new comes up, we can talk about it.

By the time I finished reading this, staring at her signature at the bottom of the page, I was done drinking the rest of the wine.

I had somehow set the glass over the nearby table without realizing.

And I wasn't aware of the expression on my face, but Ashley kept smirking at me from behind the blanket. She seemed to like however I looked right now. I couldn't mind her enjoyment. Ashley knew she'd caught me off-guard with some of these things—most especially the things she was open to. I assumed that this was for much later, for down the line. Still, she had included them here now, today, instead of leaving them unmentioned, or in this final category of whatever else.

Without her needing to say it, I already knew that her exceptions excluded a certain someone.

There was no way Ashley would ever go for that. I didn't want it, either, despite my own desires lingering, quite powerful.

"So?" she asked, expectant. "What do you think? Anything you disagree with?"

"There's nothing I outright disagree with," I managed to say. "I'm…a little shocked about your exceptions more than anything. Cucking, threesomes? Polyamory and me having another sub as your soft limits—really?"

"Really," said Ashley. "Obviously not with anyone we know right now. I'm thinking more about the future with those things. Who knows? We might meet someone who checks those boxes. I'm not saying it'd be a repeat of how you and I first got involved. Just, you know, if we all agree, and we can keep those boundaries, then I don't see the harm in it. I think it could be fun if everything works out."

"No one we know right now?" I wondered, mind wandering to the obvious: "Not even…Tali?"

Ashley hummed, uncertain. "I mean, Tali's like a little sister to me," she mused. "That wouldn't work. Not the way I have in mind. But maybe I'm wrong. I'd have to think it over." Not wanting to give myself away, I couldn't tell her how I actually felt about this. I knew Ash would've gotten jealous of Tali, of what she had to offer me, shutting down the whole possibility. Moving on, she made herself clear: "Other than Tali, though, this definitely doesn't include anyone else we already know. Forward-thinking!"

"But why, Ash? You made it seem like you'd never be into this kind of thing."

"Hey, it's not like I said it was a hard limit before. And it was on my mind that night when we talked about everything. I actually like the idea of being in control of that kind of situation, dictating when someone can or can't have sex with you. Or even how much someone's allowed to think they belong to you. Let's just say I'm more adventurous than you might think."

There was something more here that Ashley wouldn't divulge.

I knew as much, since she had moved no cheating under her official hard limits.

Then again, that was her prerogative. If she didn't want to tell me, then she didn't want to tell me.

"You're adventurous," I echoed, nodding. "Okay, that makes more sense. And I can see why you'd like being in control that way. Still, this is definitely something for—later. Meaning not any time soon."

"Definitely," she agreed. "You can't be the one to bring it up, either. If I want it, then I'll say so."

"That works for me."

Seeing as there was nothing else I wanted to go over, I went ahead and signed my name under hers.

Ashley beamed at me. "We're official, then?"

"Yeah, we are," I confirmed. "It's that simple. Even though it took us a while to get to this point."

"You know I don't mind that… I wanted to be patient for you. Now that we have this together, I don't necessarily expect things to change. Like, for tonight…I want you to take things slow with me. Slow and simple. Vanilla, even with this contract we have now. Give me a normal night for now. Give me one to remember."

Drawn to Ashley's confidence, how she knew exactly what she wanted, I moved closer to her.

Drawn more to her expectations, how she held such high standards of me, I pressed my hands over the couch at either side of her, leaning my weight here. Smirking, Ashley brought me into her space, leaning back all the way against the couch. She enjoyed keeping me here; she enjoyed this gravity of me, the same that kept me locked to her like this, unable to look away. This new depth about her, lower and deeper and darker than before—she had me captivated, far more.

I had to make sure: "Do you want me to wear it, then?"

"Once you take me to bed, yes… I want you to put it on. I need you all the way inside of me, Shepard. Boring missionary, whatever—I want to know how it feels. I want you to keep going for as long as possible, all night long. For as long as you can, until we absolutely have to sleep. I don't want us to go to Ilos until I can know you like this. And when we're there, it'll make me fight way harder. Stronger. I promise."

Our contract, talk of the future, and Ashley's undeniable mood: she wasn't at all worried that this could have been our last night together, or that we might not make it back from Ilos at all.

She wasn't concerned that she might lose me somehow.

None of that registered.

The way Ashley admired me—stroking the crown of my hair, her eyes tracking and tracing every single follicle there, the spread of different brown shades from dark to light, and my blonde highlights there—I felt her learning me, like she fully intended on continuing this for months, for years to come. And I watched that esteem swelling in her eyes. I studied it, finally seeing for myself what it was like to have this type of certainty with someone. I understood at last what it meant to actually believe in this longevity: believing Ashley when she reinforced her promises to not leave, to not give up on us; believing her when she said that she loved me, and knowing that she would always feel this way.

Changing her learning for now, I tasted those convictions in her mouth as a blooming softness, finer than any rose petals. I smelled that same scent over Ashley's skin, tinted with vanilla in prophecy, almost marking the mood of my movements, my restraint with her tonight. Spurred by this smell of her, I gave Ashley what I should've given to her in my bed at home, after she had told me yes. Giving this to her even with my own shyness knotting my stomach, trying to limit me: she felt my rebellion, moaning into me at this perfect frequency, with so much beauty here in her voice against me.

Losing herself already, Ashley lost more of her control once she felt my hands against her back, beneath her shirt. Bare skin, roaming—held her closer to me in certainty, right up against me, concave. Up higher, her shirt tenting along the backs of my hands, my forearms, I found that she'd left her bra off for me, finding the same open story in the way she felt pressed against my own chest. Only this white cotton shirt rounded over her, making me feel her want already; making me smile with the same want.

"Shepard," she breathed, so uneven in my mouth. "What happened…to you being shy? Where did all of this come from—?"

I pulled Ashley's shirt up and off, setting it out of the way.

Magnetized to this slope of her chest, I clasped my lips along her cleavage, unending.

Neverending in this rise of hers, rounding in an impeccable, firm softness, just like her kiss: Ashley found her succor in my own, from my own, in my own. Raw sugar from her skin, hard candy—this side, first, I obsessed over in balance, in gentleness at the right tempo, the right pressure. The perfect feeling, all from her feedback, from the way Ashley sighed in bliss, bringing me into her more without suffocating, without forcing anything. Feeling her breaths just through her in my mouth, I found my fetish here, in the way she had relaxed without relaxing, whining in this tenderness, so irresistible.

Holding me here, Ashley curled her wrist, her hand along the bend of my neck, my shoulder. Unexpected grace from her touch, I needed her exactly like this, soothing me. Soothed even by the soreness in her left arm, draped around my shoulders, over my hair, letting me support her like this.

Calming, validating in her vulnerability: "This is exactly what I've always wanted from you… You're so good to me, Shepard." This texture of Ashley's voice, blended with her satisfaction, made her sound ethereal to me, guiding me to her other side. "If we had the chance…do you think you could keep doing this to me for hours? Hours on-end, for days…? Maybe even longer than that?" Succor from her sighs, succor from my own highs—I nodded against her, still going. "I really wish we could… You have no idea."

I liked that Ashley was right, and that I didn't have any idea; that I didn't have the full picture.

I liked putting myself to work for her, to learn more pieces of the entire scale of her passions for me.

As much as I needed to know everything, to be prepared, I loved this known unknown with her and only her. I loved that Ashley could make me love her harder without trying, without ever fully revealing her obsessions, and without meaning to withhold them from me. I loved that these obsessions, these fixations of hers were that magnanimous, everlasting in scope, and that I could spend years trying to scope them down to no avail.

I carried Ashley to my bed with this acceptance of mine, setting her down beneath the comforter, between the sheets. She only folded her arms over her chest by reflex—or to be coy. Coyness, more than likely: because when I leaned down to her, she smirked in denial, turning away. Still, I wanted to prolong this with her—to do the same to the rest of her body, finally knowing her, especially her legs. I kept thinking of that bend there, that specific place of her that I needed to taste for myself, well-aware of my own fetish. But she had already made it obvious what she wanted for tonight.

Ashley made it obvious again: "Put it on. I want to feel you. I want you in me right away. You can give me more foreplay next time."

Throbbing for her, so fucking urgent for her in her own urgency, I stepped over to my holo-closet nearby. Keeping this impatience away as best as I could, I found the exact same strap-on that I had worn in our dream. I put it on beneath my clothes, finding this urgency again—

Swelling, thickening, I had to push myself down with my hand.

Facing away from Ashley for the moment, I felt her eyes on my back, hazed over in lust and love as one.

Even more, I heard it in the music from the TV, so sensual; just as smooth, I heard it more in the sounds of Ashley taking off the rest of her clothes, tight fabric stretching along her skin in that downward motion. Patient impatience, she stayed there in my bed, covered in warmth and waiting for me.

I stayed here for this moment, for now, grappling with this feeling: that same haze from her had filled my chest and my stomach, combusting in this swell of my own needs, over and over again. I could have done anything for her, absolutely anything, without thinking twice. Whatever she wanted, whatever she required, I needed to give to her, to provide—and my pride was well and gone, this instinct of mine taking over, razing my old habits to the ground.

I could have fallen there to my knees if that was what Ashley wanted from me.

I could have stayed there in complete subservience, craving an order from her, catering to her.

For the time being, she requested, "Come here, Shepard. Don't keep me waiting… I need you."

Ashley's raw need was what turned me around: invisible strings, with me as her willing subject.

This natural part of me, she had tapped into without trying, luring me closer as I went back to her.

Lightlessness of this room, brightened only by the chilled hues from the aquarium: Ashley still had that mist in her eyes, so eternally beautiful, divine, and sublime.

Careful to not set my weight anywhere near Ashley's still-healing arm, I joined her underneath the comforter, the sheets, both warmed by her body heat, ten times more now that I was here. Blind in her devotion, she opened her bare legs to accommodate me beneath this comfort. Smoothness of those legs: she hooked them around me in protest, trying to bring me closer, trying to press me up against her.

Ashley used her hands to tug at me, at the waistband of my sweats, snapping it.

"I want these off," she ordered. "And I want you closer to me. You're way too far."

I did as she said, leaving my boxer briefs on.

Hiding from her, I settled my head next to hers, breathing in this fresh, clean smell of her hair over the pillow beneath her. Even as I did this, I kept my knees bent just enough, not letting myself close this distance between us. Not yet.

Ashley held me as close as she could anyway. She settled her left arm across my shoulders again, and slipped her other hand under the thinness of my tank top. Her determined touch seared the skin over my back and the mild coat of sweat there, coating more from having her like this with me. This heat from her body, supporting me, shaped in her sex appeal so unbelievable: the fine shape of her hips, this perfect comfort from her chest underneath mine, the way she wrapped her long legs around me in certainty and in care, and this endless love radiating from her, everywhere.

Still, it had been a while since I'd done this. I felt myself getting caught up in this pressure to perform.

Not knowing the same, Ashley warmed my neck with her lips, roaming.

I let some of my pressure dissolve away with these soft sounds of her breaths, of her own efforts.

But as I reached over to the nightstand, to the drawer, Ashley stopped me.

I tried to explain, "Ash, it's just…"

"I know," she whispered, still kissing my neck. "I know… I need you raw, so don't."

"There won't be a mess."

"Yeah. We'll get to that later—when it's right. I trust you."

Too aroused by Ashley's trust, I stopped thinking nearly as much.

I let my hand move down between me, over this tightness nearly coming out on its own. More pressure here, physically, just from the discomfort of needing to get this out—it helped that Ashley was still fixated on my neck, my shoulders, shifting my hair out of her way as she needed. So I eased some of my discomfort away, pulling this out from the layered fabric that made this opening. Keeping these clothes on, keeping some semblance of control helped me to not lose myself early.

Slim, reasonable length, not too thick at the base: I didn't want to overwhelm Ashley again. Not like this. I didn't want to hurt her. Easing more, I held this head, my hand wrapped just over the tip. Grazing her, not wanting to seem uncertain, I touched Ashley just enough, soaking my own hand with this slickness of her, enticing in shape, in the way she folded over my fingers in an angel thinness. Heavenly in sound, Ashley breathed against me, anticipation softening and soaking her so.

Lubricating myself with her, she sighed harder from this up-and-down motion of my hand, and from the sensations of the movements shafting through to her from this tip, touch echoing.

Restrained depravity—Ashley pulled at my boxer briefs, at my shirt and at me, needing me right now.

"Take me, Shepard," she said, still pulling. "I can't keep waiting anymore… I can't."

Angled just right, I only slipped this tip inside of her, head pulsing from how fucking tight she was.

Even when I groaned over this tightness, about to pass the hell out, Ashley didn't give a damn—she kept pulling, and pulling, pulling me by my waist and pulling me inside of her. She moaned and panted from this physicality, this novelty as much as she responded to my grunting, hard enough to clip my throat from how hard she kept me, from how much harder she made me. Absorbing me, I felt more and more lightheaded, finally feeling this sum of her experiences, this deep, while she kept pulling me in, pulling me in, needing me here—farther and farther, nearly there, nearly there—

I heard Ashley's telling breaths before my awareness caught up to her.

Expanding, expanding, she had pushed through this stretching pain, only letting it hit her now that I was all the way in, shaping her as mine again, even more this time.

Ashley gripped me around my back, shuddering beneath me; not breathing enough. "Oh, fuck, it hurts… Fuck!"

"Breathe, Ash," I told her, modeling the same: low, deep. "Just breathe for now… You'll get used to it."

Mirroring the very contractions of my lungs, Ashley listened to me.

She struggled, and she gripped me more in this widening ache of hers, but she kept breathing. She dug her nails into my back, not quite making me bleed this time, but she kept breathing. She shuddered harder from again feeling these echoes of my own body, straight through her this time: with every breath I took, she felt it inside of her, helping her enjoy this mangle of agony and ecstasy.

As tight as I remembered her around my fingers last night, this couldn't compare.

I had only pushed her upward in claiming her for myself. This was a little more permanent, sculpting her as mine—for as long as we did this on a regular basis. And soon enough, it wouldn't hurt her nearly as much anymore. Once her body knew me enough. Once her own physicality trusted me enough.

Picking up on Ashley's slowed, relaxed breathing, I moved my hands and my arms beneath her shoulders, holding her here for leverage.

Already addicted to the way she felt around me—so wet, so warm and so unwilling to let me go—I moved into her, slow in this natural, rhythmic motion. Ashley held me tighter, as tight as she was, angling her head back against this pillow. Breaths open to the night, she let go with me immediately, so much quicker than last time. Rocking underneath me, every light sound she made rocked with her, right with this unintentional rhythm of mine. Listening to her, I matched her reactions to my own movements, gauging and learning.

I wanted to please her.

I wanted to please Ashley to no end, to the ends of everything, putting her well ahead my own needs.

Feeling her on this intuitive level, I mapped this lesson:

Direct thrusts worked for her, but only as a warm-up. Ashley enjoyed them as a break, as a transition. If she needed to catch her breath for whatever reason, then these would work. Not just in and out, in and out. That was tactless, tasteless. How I moved, it was always deliberate, filled with every part of me. I knew she at least appreciated that, stringing her arousal up a slight slope, and never decreasing.

I found her tolerance point for sharpness, at the very top of her. At least for now, she didn't like pain that was too sudden, too sharp—the groans she let out leaned too close to discomfort, even though she didn't grip me any harder or lessen her hold. Hard and fast would have to wait for another night.

Angling the base of me highest against her clit did wonders. Almost trembling Ashley out of her mind, I focused here, trying to not stay in my head, or to start thinking too much again. Cadenced in how much I loved her, reliable in the same ways: I moved with my lower back first, undulating into her, slow, steady, and deep, all the way into her in patience and reflection. And back out, but only slight, giving me just enough room to move back inside of her. The romantic in her craved this so much, keeping me going.

Pacing myself, pacing myself, I stayed at this stride.

Moving into her more, deeper, I gave the same to this side of her face nearest to me, kissing her here. As much as Ashley pulled me closer, reacting to me in pure want through her voice, I deepened my lips against the set of her jaw, breathing in the mild sweat over her skin. Always as this mirror, I pressed my open mouth to her as I rolled into her more, so far between her, as the same motion.

"Shepard," she breathed, pitched higher. And higher, sucking her words in before gasping them out: "Shepard…how are you doing this?" I wouldn't stop, and Ashley held me closer. I kept going, and Ashley moaned more, needing more even as she begged to know, "What are you doing to me…?"

Helpless in those questions, she heated my face even more, hotter than we were beneath this comforter, between the sheets. I knew she liked this temperature, I knew she wanted this closeness; I wrapped my arms around her, underneath her, shifting her weight, her whole body with me. This shape of her smooth skin, her fine muscles, and her perpetual softness pressed between my fingers, against my palms, hooked into the bends of my arms—I memorized it all, mapping it with the way Ashley started shaking just as hard as I held onto her, sounding the same, sounding the same.

Hypnotized, enthralled by her, the words fell out from me, all kissed against her—"Ashley, I need you."—and she moved higher in place, almost there, almost there—"I'll do anything for you. Sacrifice anything. Whatever you need from me, babe, it's yours." Right there, right here against me: "I love you, Ash… I love you. I love you so much." Sharpness of her breaths, and her hold, vice-like, she kept compelling me, pulling these raw emotions straight out from me. "I can't breathe without you. I can't…I just can't—"

Almost pained, but I knew better—overwhelmed, Ashley clamped around me deeper than ever before, everywhere, all as she cried out my name without crying, without letting herself do it. That only sign of holding back, yet still, the floodgates rushed past the rest: tightening her legs against me, Ashley gave into her release, of all that I had given her. Whatever else she held back, I couldn't blame her, because she gave me this sublime significance right back, completing me.

Everything I had imagined with her, Ashley had somehow given me ten times more than that.

I saw, heard, and felt pure perfection in her.

And when she relaxed beneath me, she couldn't say a word.

I did want to laugh, though.

Ashley had said she wanted to go all night.

She'd wanted me to keep going for as long as possible, until we had to sleep.

Already, though, I felt her drifting off, so far-gone in her space high above. Even when I pulled out, despite not wanting to yet—taking my time, and not too fast—Ashley didn't quite react. She wasn't here anymore. She couldn't keep going long enough for me to take my turn, but that only amused me more.

I moved so that I could lie down over my back properly. Still under these sheets and this comforter, Ashley moved with me without thinking on her own: next to me, she set her head over my chest, holding me like this as I held her close. And she was out right away. No words, no movements, her breathing deepened. Her weight over me grew a little heavier, relaxed. Out like a light, again.

Eternally amused by her, I was still wide awake.

I figured I'd take care of this lingering, upright problem of mine in a bit, on my own, once I knew for sure that Ashley wouldn't wake up.

Until then, I checked my omni-tool, silenced automatically at this late hour. I still kept Ashley in my hold, raising my arm and my hand just behind her head to do this.

I found an alert, an email from the Alliance: this standard reminder I received every year around my birthday, reminding me to look over my life insurance, my will, and then re-submitting the forms as normal. I was so used to auto-submitting these things as saved without bothering to review them first. And I was about to do the same now out of habit, until I realized:

Ashley may have enjoyed believing that I was invincible, but we both knew better than that.

Having her in my arms like this, I remembered that I didn't have anyone listed as my next-of-kin and power of attorney.

If anything happened to me on Ilos, my belongings and collections, my omni-tool files and passwords, all of my credentials and permissions, and all of my money would have disappeared into the void. Not literally. But without anyone to officially pass them down to, it might as well have been that way.

I knew that it was technically way too soon for any of this.

Technically, it was.

But with so many unknowns waiting for us on this next mission, I didn't see the point in playing this safe.

I finally put a name down as my next-of-kin in my will—the only name that made sense.

Finally, after having avoided it for so long.

Even after I saved the new information and submitted the forms, I felt myself grappling with my mortality again, in ways that I'd avoided every other time I had re-submitted these things without bothering to look them over.

Anything could have happened to me. I had to accept that.

As I did, I started clinging to this strange notion that I was ready, holding Ashley close to me through my near-sleepless night; and trusting and hoping that I wouldn't ever have to let her go.