XVII. Ilos – The Ones Who Tried Before

(Ashley)

In the middle of the night, I somehow managed to open my eyes, still feeling like I was way up higher. Halfway high, halfway weighed down, my awareness kept me in this limbo, letting me at least realize where I was. Because even halfway high felt more real, more addicting than anything I'd ever experienced before. The actual thing—the actual feeling, the memory of it had me stirring again, wanting Shepard all over again, even though I was barely awake.

Here in her arms, listening to the way she breathed right by my ear, awake.

We had time.

Shepard felt me. I felt her as she moved me over my back. She didn't wait, she didn't have to ask—getting on top of me, she tasted my neck in such a sweet adoration, so moving. Lowered volume of her music still playing for us, I loved how warm she was, how insistent she was, right up against me: she almost didn't want to wait. She couldn't contain herself. She needed me without a word, fulfilling me.

Cascading her hair back in my hold, I asked in a half-tired voice, "Shepard…didn't you sleep?"

"I slept enough," she grunted, reaching down to spread my legs wider. I moved with her touch with ease. "I want you, Ashley—while we still have time. I can't get enough of you. I swear I can't—"

Letting her take me like this in her insistence, I fell into her so much harder. Even with my arm still sore like this, I could block it out, overwhelmed way more by Shepard loving me. Even with these terrible memories from the past couple of days nudging at my mind, Shepard pushed most of that away for me, giving me all of her. This curved shape of her feelings, this pulling perseverance of mine: she filled me up all the way, never wanting to leave, never wanting to stop.

So much easier than last time without that stretching pain, it didn't take long at all for her to raise me right back up. Gripping around her, clenching, I let her hear me, just in her ear, knowing how much this turned her on—but not enough, still not enough, since she was so focused on pleasing me.

Stroking this length of her hair, I loved this feeling of her length still in me, even afterward.

After she gave me this next high, I wanted her to keep going.

Loving her more, I whispered the obvious, "Don't stop… Please don't stop. Keep going. I want you to use me, Shepard. Use me to get off. I know you want to…" I remembered that I'd fallen asleep way too soon earlier; fresh with this embarrassment I felt, Shepard made it so much better when she kept going, kept going, groaning low and deep. "I love hearing you like this. You're so sexy, and I need you. Don't stop. Don't ever stop…"

Repeating the same, goading her—I smiled more the louder Shepard sounded, the more she let go with me. Harder she went, fucking at me in just the way I needed, even if everything between me felt dulled right now. I loved that this wasn't about me. I loved feeling her like this, listening to her like this, and that she fucked me hardest as she came, grunting my name in a barely-controlled heat, so satisfying.

Actually being useful for her like this reached at something wonderful in me. Having Shepard crave me like this to the point where she only stopped for a few minutes to breathe, to recharge, and to let this dullness between me go away, before continuing—I finally believed with nothing in the way. Surrounded by this hot temperature underneath the comforter and these sheets, smelling me as much as I smelled the scented sweat coating her skin—I stopped caring about those fucking obstacles in our way, stopped letting those memories from my almost-murder haunt me, and from her threats after the fact. Surrounded more by Shepard's light weight that somehow made me feel small in a way that sustained me, I could memorize the flex of her muscles over her long back, the shifts of her strong shoulder blades underneath my palms and my fingertips, setting the rest aside as much as I possibly could.

I couldn't let any of that get to me. Not anymore. Not with how perfect Shepard felt, her sex drive going and going for me non-stop:

We kept going like this for as long as we could.

Delayed, but I had said that I wanted her to go all night long.

Shepard gave me more, over and over again, until I eventually fell back asleep with her still inside of me.

When I woke up again, I was alone in her bed.

But as I moved around a bit, sheets still warm over my bare skin, I heard Shepard nearby. The blue of her room had somehow distilled into a colorless tint instead, the water shining from her aquarium dimming to the same grayscale. Whether I had lost the color of my sight or not, I couldn't tell right away—not as I looked at Shepard next to the bed at her holo-closet, wearing the all-black of her N7 stealth suit and combat boots already. I knew my sight wasn't off once I spotted the brilliant colors of her hair, just as she finished tying it into that gorgeous, taut tail of hers, flowing down to her back in a straight-edged seriousness.

Realizing that I was awake, Shepard turned around and found me staring up at her.

That rare richness of her smooth smile, saved just for me: she leaned down to me here, giving me this smile of hers over my lips, not caring about the sleep that lingered over me, everywhere. She replaced my taste with hers, with her cinnamon toothpaste. I pulled her into me more, as much as she would let me, even as her neck flexed under my hands with her efforts to not give into me again, all over again.

"Hey," she murmured into my mouth, her deep voice rumbling through me.

"Hey…"

Shepard wanted to know, "How'd you sleep, babe?"

I grinned, since it was so obvious. "Better than ever—like you wouldn't believe."

"I'm glad to hear it," she replied, satisfied. "We're not far from Ilos now. You should start getting ready."

Back to reality, back to facing her—my stomach sank somewhere underneath the bed.

Sensing enough of how I felt, Shepard had that red blanket ready, bundling me with it. "Come on, Ash," she encouraged, gentle. "We'll eat something here first. Once you finish showering, I'll help you get dressed. Do you still want me to put your armor on down in the cargo hold?" Having lost my voice somehow, I only nodded, needing that comfort from her attentions on me. "All right. I guess we have an excuse, since your arm is probably still sore. Like you said, if the others ask, we'll just ignore them."

Sitting on her couch, we shared this quiet breakfast together. Even though my appetite was pretty much gone, I still made myself enjoy this weakness of hers, this warm cinnamon bread, and this flavor that I had started to love as much as she did. I opened my appetite in the same way that I'd opened myself to Shepard's promises to me yesterday on the Presidium, letting myself trust that she meant every word.

I couldn't picture the actual process of opening up to her about all of this.

And as I took a shower alone in Shepard's bathroom after we finished eating, I had a much harder time thinking that she would accept the fallout. Then again, when she had said those words to me—about knowing my every thought, my every emotion, my intentions—I had felt her somewhere in me, sticking her nose where it didn't belong, as if the blue of her skin had frozen me in that fear.

I didn't feel Liara in the same ways anymore. I hadn't since yesterday, since that talk with Shepard during our date. Not having that intruding presence had helped me to come back around sooner.

Now that I had to actually see her again, and try to work with her on the same team again, I felt myself about to withdraw back into my old protectionist habits, again.

Instead, I leaned on Shepard way more.

I felt like I could really rely on her like this.

And even though she didn't know the full extent of my problems, she was still here for me, so caring and sweet.

Sitting on Shepard's couch again, the way she dressed me, she made me feel whole again. These attentions from her, in her attention to detail, strict but soft as a perfect balance and blend of both—she stayed on bended knee in front of me as she put everything on, leaving me to move my limbs as she needed me to. I loved the way she kept her body close to mine as she put on my bra: N7 embroidery from her suited chest against my bare one, Shepard felt so warm against me as she tightened these straps. I loved the way she held my legs in her hands, one at a time, as she pulled up this tightness of my under-armor, up to my waist: the vague ride from accommodating her, I loved even more, getting to leverage my weight as I draped my arms around her neck, feeling her move for me like this. And she did the same with my under-armor shirt, long-sleeved, careful to not move too quickly with my left arm, and just as careful to set my damp hair back the way I wanted it.

Pushing away this high was a little easier than I thought, what with so much riding on this mission.

We had stolen the Normandy to get to Ilos, to stop Saren from finding the Conduit. But even with how loyal I was to the Alliance—whether they deserved my loyalty or not—I couldn't mind the mutiny, not one bit, because Shepard had decided for all of us. I trusted her judgment more than anything, more than my own at a time like this. She knew that I would follow her anywhere, no matter the risk, and so we'd really had no need to mention any of it, or to bother talking it over. We already knew how we felt.

She wouldn't let any damned politics stop her from completing the mission, and I loved her more for it.

Once we made it to the armory with the others, I focused on Shepard with this love. Even if this was all too good to be true, I let myself fall so much harder for her, having her touch on me like this. The way she strapped me into my red and black armor, completely focused on me, not caring that Garrus, Wrex, and Tali stared from time to time, with Liara forcing herself not to stare: Shepard made it clear that I was her main focus. Focused on her in the same way, I knew she saw it in my eyes, how I couldn't look away from her, and how I adored her so much, I almost couldn't stand it.

This fetish of mine reinforced me, helping me focus up for whatever awaited ahead.

And everything was amazing…in this moment.

But then I remembered—Joker had snuck us onto Ilos, between all of those geth fleets that were here with Saren, their ships practically clouding over the planet's skies. He somehow had to maneuver the ship, getting us the perfect drop in the Mako to follow after Saren's path down on the ground. And Saren had scattered tons of geth planetside to deal with us, to stop us from following him, or from finding the Conduit before he could. So I really didn't have any time left to keep daydreaming.

Besides, as soon as Shepard had finished suiting me up, Tali walked over to her, cautious, carrying a couple of datapads in her hands. One was a bunch of records and Reaper diagrams, while the other had those capital-class Reaper schematics, the same class that Sovereign was. Or so I'd heard, anyway.

"Shepard, I finished unencrypting those notes," said Tali, handing them to her. "I know we're about to touch down soon… Perhaps this isn't the best time. I think…you'll want to see this regardless."

"Thanks a lot, Tali," replied Shepard, accepting the files. "I appreciate it. I'll take a look now, then."

Looking turned into shock and horror—quieted, but focused and undeniable.

This fear and trembling in Shepard's eyes…I had never seen anything like it from her before.

Even the sunlight from her skin seemed to dim, going pale as she read everything over.

And once she set the datapads together, one over the other, lining up something there, I watched as her own helplessness grew. Shepard didn't have to say a word, either. Not even as the others stared at her staring, trying to make sense of her fears. Not even as Tali lowered her head, avoiding the obvious that she had seen whatever this was, too, and that she felt just as helpless, just as powerless. For some reason, Tali had the hardest time looking at me, like she was scared for me, sympathetic…

That sense of powerlessness from both Shepard and Tali weighed down our descent onto Ilos in the Mako.

Those same emotions cut us short as we landed right behind Saren disappearing into an underground bunker with his geth, those massive doors shutting behind him.

We all got right back out of the Mako, stepping outside to Ilos' surface, ancient with ruins. Dead plants webbing everywhere over these old Prothean statues, decorative spires rising to the geth fleets above, and somehow-sturdy walls separating all these different gardens from each other: Ilos looked all the same color to me, the same as this deadened overgrowth everywhere. Even Liara managed to appreciate these surroundings. She let herself get lost in this majesty of the Protheans for the moment, going back to that old, innocent inspiration she had when we'd first met her, back when I had assumed so much about her, too much that had ended up biting me in the ass.

Since Shepard was more or less indisposed, even though she was standing right here next to me, I took the lead, telling everyone, "We need to get inside this bunker! Looks like the doors are locked now, but Saren must've found some kind of security override. Let's find it fast and follow after him, before he gets to the Conduit."

Garrus and Wrex acknowledged me out loud—"Chief."

Tali nodded to me, still avoiding my eyes, still hurting for me in sympathy and empathy both.

Liara eased herself back here with us, to the mission, prepared to follow, and without looking at anyone.

Shepard was still lost somewhere in her head, but she let herself follow me; let me keep leading us.

I took point, heading opposite the bunker doors and out to the open plaza. All these geth in our way: I ordered Tali and Garrus to get on those tech bursts, stripping the geth's shields. They did what I said right away, even if Tali still wasn't all there—she pushed herself for me, for now, knowing that we had to focus up, no matter whatever those notes from Benezia were about. Wrex and Liara didn't need to coordinate on their biotic explosions together—we took the geth out with simple gunfire, with me at the front, mowing down whatever got in my way, this soreness in my arm set aside and forgotten.

Shepard stayed at the rear, cloaking as she sniped all the ranged geth off in the distance, to keep them from breaching me and slowing me down. She never missed a shot, as usual, but she wasn't anywhere near as focused as she could've been. Whatever was on her mind had to be grim if even she couldn't pull it together for the most important part of our operation, making me worry for her way more. She followed me on auto-pilot as we headed farther into these ruins, into these open plazas and gardens vined and wined with these dead plants and dead memories everywhere.

That death weighed down on all of us as we pushed through this maze-like place.

Killing more geth, and going up and down these elevators like labyrinths: I had this feeling that someone watched us somehow from somewhere nearby. Maybe those dead memories had manifested the Protheans, brought their spirits back from wherever their afterlife was; letting them watch us as we tried to follow in their footsteps. Thinking of it that way wasn't so bad…and it did make sense—to me.

Still, I made sure not to touch anything. Especially those creepy, sagging statues everywhere, like wilting corpses sitting on top of some kind of pedestals. Those were what seemed to keep an eye on us as we moved through these compounds and gardens everywhere. Like the Protheans' spirits had possessed the stone, living through it again.

I couldn't pin down how or why, but those spirits seemed to exist in pairs all over.

Not just one Prothean at a time.

Sets of two, together, like they were inseparable: they all watched us together, brimming with hope.

Hope, even though they had died such horrible deaths to the Reapers, but they believed in us somehow.

Eventually, after taking down a bunch of massive, geth primes in our way, we went up a ramp to a small, enclosed compound. We found that security override here. The panel glowed with that same pale, Prothean green I remembered from the beacons.

Shepard went up to the panel, interacting with it.

Some kind of static noise came out, and then an indistinct figure appeared, glowing in a pale light. This figure cut in and out with its light, moving parts spinning, revolving. Almost like a broken VI. Then again, after interacting with Sovereign's so-called VI form, I didn't want to assume that again. More static, more of those choppy sounds came out from this thing, whatever it was: I couldn't understand anything there.

Shepard understood. "Sounds like some kind of warning," she told us, her voice hollow. "The Protheans tried to get a message out about the Reapers attacking. It was probably too late."

Garrus asked, "Anything else you can make out?"

"Nothing much," she stated. "This thing is too damaged. The bunker should be open, at least."

I prompted her, "Should we get moving, Commander? Doesn't look like we'll get anything else out of this thing."

Shepard left the area first. "Move out."

Back down that ramp, we followed her into a hallway directly underneath where we had just been.

These lifeless plants and rotted trees in our way made it hard to tell where we walked. We managed to find another elevator soon enough.

As we exited the elevator, shadows and light beamed over us as we got to the area we'd started in. No more geth in our way, we made it back to the Mako safely. Back in the rover, and back on our way, through this creepy underground bunker with more dead trees with branches like skeletons—no one said anything when Wrex somehow ended up driving again. He was at least sober this time, and this path looked like it went straight through without any turns, so I guessed he was in the clear.

Liara was too stuck in her own head to drive again, anyway. So she settled for standing next to him, staring out at our surrounding area.

This straight path over a thin sheet of water took us through another compound. So high up, with so many pod-like things on the walls: this ceiling never seemed to end, with more of that pale light shining through, the same from that broken-VI-thing from earlier. A heavenly afterlife beamed down on us, everywhere.

That hope from the Protheans seemed to glow there, guiding our way.

Getting a better look at those cylinders raising up along the walls, they looked like stasis pods. And there were so many all over the place: like a whole metropolis of them, glowing in the dark, and going on for miles, way farther out than I could see.

Sitting next to me, Shepard missed the sights. She was still lost in her thoughts, thinking back to what Tali had showed her before we set off. She had her arms folded, grappling with whatever that information was, like she couldn't believe it. As much as I kept worrying about her, something told me that asking about this directly was out of the question. Like Shepard needed to keep wrangling with this first. Like she needed to wrap her head around this whole thing before she could even think to explain any of it to me, to the rest of us.

Tali's mood hadn't changed, either. She definitely wanted to say something to me, to warn me, but she couldn't get the words out. Trapped in her silence, she just sat there next to Garrus, who was also concerned about these vibes from her and Shepard. Even Wrex seemed to have caught this infection of anxiety here in the Mako from his spot in the driver's seat—he shifted in his seat, uncomfortable, but kept driving on until he couldn't anymore, reaching a dead-end.

A thin waterfall of that pale light made a tall barrier over the space in front of us, up to that endless ceiling.

See-through and ethereal, I wanted to think we could have crossed it anyway.

Something about this energy from the light made it clear that we needed to stop here.

So we all got out from the Mako, stepping along this shallow water underneath our feet. Spotting another elevator along the wall nearby, we all went inside. Going down, way past more of those stasis pods lined up in the night of this facility, the ride seemed to last forever. More of Shepard and Tali's anxiety contaminated us, almost making me feel sick to my stomach. I somehow couldn't be mad at them, even though I wished they would just say it already. This gravity of their silence had kept those impulses from me so far, and that wasn't about to change now. Garrus, Wrex, and even Liara felt almost the same, distracted only by that lingering hope from the Protheans, from the ones who tried before to defend themselves from the Reapers, to survive, and to destroy the enemy, only to fail in the end.

When the elevator doors opened, we reached a long pathway in between more of those stasis pods. Nested there at the end of the path, right near a bunch of plants vining up the walls, we saw another control panel of some kind. That panel stayed there as our destination, bathed in the light peeking through to this part of the building.

We all walked toward that light, toward that panel, hoping for answers, hoping for solutions.

Cynical to the end, I had the worst feeling all of a sudden.

Shepard and Tali were unnerved for a reason, after all. This had to be it.

As we got closer to the panel, that same damaged VI from before showed itself again.

And this time, when it spoke in a soothing, monotone, male-like voice, I could understand it, without all that static. This thing had definitely seen better days, though. It was on its last leg, hovering there in a tripped-out shifting of black and pale gold light. It made itself communicate with us, knowing that we were its last hope…if a VI could feel hope, anyway.

"You are not Prothean," said the VI. "But you are not machine, either. This eventuality was one of many that was anticipated. This is why we sent our warnings through the beacons. I do not sense the taint of a forced Reaper indoctrination upon any of you. Unlike the other entity that passed recently. Perhaps there is still hope after all."

Garrus spoke up, "Wait a minute. How come I can understand you this time? Why aren't you speaking the Prothean language?"

"I have been monitoring your communications since you arrived to Ilos. I have translated my output into a format you will comprehend. My name is Vigil. You are safe here, for the moment. But that is likely to change. Soon, nowhere will be safe."

Tali wondered, "What are you, exactly? You seem quite advanced to just be a simple VI."

Vigil replied, "I am a non-organic analysis system with personality imprints from Ksad Ishan, chief overseer of the Ilos research facility. I also specialize in identifying and measuring readiness ratings in those who departed this location in an effort to end the war. Those who did not meet the readiness threshold remained here where it was safe, hoping to improve their connections. I oversaw their methods and offered counsel whenever appropriate, despite my own limitations as a non-organic entity."

Somehow, Shepard went pale again, like she knew what that was all about. She used her omni-tool to record the conversation anyway.

I asked for her, "Why'd you bring us here, then? Seems like you led us to this place to talk to you."

"You must break a cycle that has continued for millions of years. But to stop it, you must understand, or you will make the same mistakes we did: the Citadel is the heart of your civilization and the seat of government. As it was with us, and as it has been with every civilization that came before us. But the Citadel is a trap. The station is actually an enormous mass relay. One that links to dark space, the empty void beyond the galaxy's horizon. When the Citadel relay is activated, the Reapers will awaken from their prolonged state of inactivity, and they will pour through. And all you know will be destroyed."

Wrex asked, "How could that happen? Why'd no one ever notice the Citadel's an inactive mass relay? You'd think someone would've picked up on it by now!"

"The Reapers are careful to keep the greatest secrets of the Citadel hidden," explained Vigil. "That is why they created a species of seemingly benign organic caretakers. The keepers maintain the station's most basic functions. They enable any species that discovers the Citadel to use it without fully understanding the technology. Reliance on the keepers ensures no other species will ever discover the Citadel's true nature. Not until the relay is activated and the Reapers invade.

"Such was our fate. Through the Citadel, the Reapers had access to all our records, maps, and census data. Information is power, and they knew almost everything about us. Their fleets advanced across every settled region of the galaxy. Some worlds were utterly destroyed. Others were conquered, their populations enslaved. These indoctrinated servants became sleeper agents under Reaper control. Taken in as refugees by other Protheans, they betrayed them to the machines. Within a few centuries, the Reapers had killed or enslaved nearly every Prothean in the galaxy. They were relentless, brutal, and absolutely thorough."

"But why?" asked Garrus, pained. "Why would the Reapers brutalize organic life like this? What do they get out of it?"

Vigil answered, "The Reapers are alien, unknowable. They are driven by motives and goals organic beings cannot hope to comprehend. In the end, what does it matter? Your survival depends on stopping them, not in understanding them."

Shepard seemed to only want confirmation from Vigil directly: "Then tell us how to stop them. Tell me what I need to do."

"The Conduit is only one key. Before the Reapers attacked, we Protheans were on the cusp of unlocking the mysteries behind mass relay technology. Ilos was a top-secret facility. Researchers worked to create a small-scale version of a mass relay. One that linked directly to the Citadel: the hub of the relay network. Such connections are all linked, similar to the threads that bind organic life together. Ideas bound as synthetic and organic, the mass relays appear to operate on the same level."

"So the Conduit's not a weapon," figured Wrex. "It's a back door onto the Citadel."

"Correct," acknowledged Vigil. "Here in this facility, we maintained cryogenic stasis pods for the remaining survivors. However, during the long war against the Reapers, we could not hope to preserve all of them. With our power sources failing, I was forced to disable certain pods over time, as a result of my contingency programming. Eventually, only the stasis pods of the top scientists remained once the Reapers finally retreated back to dark space through the Citadel relay. These handful of scientists vowed to find a way to stop the Reapers from returning. A way to break the cycle forever with the keepers.

"The Conduit gives the one you call Saren access to the Citadel and the keepers. The keepers are controlled by the Citadel. Before each invasion, a signal is sent through the station compelling the keepers to activate the Citadel relay. After decades of feverish study, the scientists discovered a way to alter this signal. Using the Conduit, they gained access to the Citadel and made the modifications. This time, when Sovereign sent the signal to the Citadel, the keepers ignored it. The Reapers are trapped in dark space. But Saren can use the Conduit to bypass the Citadel's defenses, and transfer control of the station to Sovereign in order to manually open the relay. And the cycle of extinction will begin again."

Shepard needed to know, "Is there any way to stop that from happening?"

Vigil responded, "There's a data file in my console. Take a copy when you go. When you reach the Citadel's master control unit, upload it to the station. It should corrupt the Citadel's security protocols and give you temporary control over the station. It might give you a chance against Sovereign. Follow Saren through the Conduit, and you will find your destination. With sufficient support from your allied fleets, it will be possible to defeat Sovereign outright. Even a Reaper cannot survive such odds. They claim to be invincible, yet we one day learned that this is not true."

Again, Shepard only seemed to want more confirmation: "How's it not true? What do you mean by that?"

"We stumbled upon a solution by accident. While the Protheans were subjugated by the Reapers, we observed that some of us outright resisted their indoctrination. Once we learned that this was possible, many of these individuals sacrificed their lives to climb inside the Reapers' forms. Searching for a weakness to exploit, they managed to find one that only existed within the capital-class ships: a backdoor seemingly left behind by their own creators. There is a chamber near the top of their large forms that, when activated by an organic species, temporarily disables the Reapers' shields and the Reaper itself. Without their shields, they are open to destruction by conventional warfare."

"How many Reapers did you manage to destroy after exploiting that backdoor?"

"Not many," said Vigil. "A small handful of capital-class ships fell prey to our exploitation. When the ships were disabled, the smaller Reaper ships and other units in their network also became vulnerable, eventually falling to what remained of our fleets. By this point, the Protheans were nearly defeated. It was only a matter of time until we fell. We still tried to replicate these victories as often as we could. After losing so many of the individuals who discovered this backdoor, we had difficulty finding any more of them. We attempted to send synthetic units to the chambers instead, yet they were unable to activate the controls to disable the ships. Our only hope was to replicate our organic immunity to indoctrination. Many analysis systems like myself were created to help further this cause. But it was already too late."

Liara finally said something, "What made these organic individuals so special? Why were they immune?"

"Certain groups of civilians and soldiers resisted the Reapers' indoctrination. Once shunned as outcasts, or deviants in our society, they were already 'indoctrinated' by one another in the deep connections they shared. This cancelled out the Reapers' forced efforts. It did not matter that the Reapers were infinitely more powerful than they were. Across our great empire, the Prothean philosophy in imperial domination was one mind, one master. This referred to one individual, one government, one people united. Through our physiology, how we communicated, we unlocked the unknown mental secrets of our collective unconscious. We as a species became capable of developing this unique immunity."

"And when the Protheans uplifted my species, the asari, did you pass down these gifts to us?"

"Yes, the Protheans gave these gifts to the asari," confirmed Vigil. "But your people could only inherit the potential to replicate our methods. Even when observing other species, such as the humans in their earliest stages, they possessed the same potential without our guidance, due to their naturally strong willpower. It is possible for any organics to develop this immunity to Reaper indoctrination, as long as they maintain the same deep connections with another person. However, all non-Protheans lack our means of communicating with each other. Without our ancestral experiences, other organic species are doomed to fail. But I sense that one among you is different."

A cone of light, gravitating up and down: Vigil scanned Shepard in the middle of our group.

As it did, the implications from this whole conversation so far started to get to me.

What Vigil had already said, what it hadn't said; how distant Shepard was and how Tali felt sorry for me—I felt sick to my stomach. I swallowed it back, all the way back. Even when Wrex and Garrus seemed to pick up on everything, I couldn't look at them looking at me in worry. I kept on swallowing my emotions down. I kept standing here at Shepard's side, with this same feeling of insignificance weighing down on me again.

All over again, Virmire repeated itself.

Like no matter how much I loved Shepard, no matter how strong or loud or powerful or unrelenting my feelings for her were, none of it mattered compared to this…

"Yes, you are capable," said Vigil, finishing its scan. "Commander Shepard, you are unique among your kind. You are fully prepared. You are ready to replicate what we have done. The natural willpower of your species has been greatly enhanced in you, in ways that only the very best of our saviors could achieve. You are immune to Reaper indoctrination. You can disable any capital-class Reaper ships through their backdoor, their weakness. You can continue our legacy and end the cycle once and for all."

Accepting this duty, Shepard stepped forward.

Forward, away from me.

I turned away from everyone, still holding this back, holding it back—

Shepard noticed, "You make it sound like I'm the only person who can pull this off. Is that what's going on here?"

"That is correct. Your power has been opened and unlocked by the Ciphers in your mind belonging to our species. You possess our collective unconscious, our ancestral memories. Built and seasoned after the 50,000 years since our destruction, your abilities have merged with ours, creating an impenetrable immunity in you. You stand on the shoulders of those who tried before. We have lifted you. The individual with which you share a deep connection has lifted you to even greater heights. You are ready to achieve the impossible."

"And the person I have this connection with…are they here with us now?"

"Yes," replied Vigil, about to end me. "I sense their true, undying faith in you. It is a powerful emotion without compare. I see their everlasting devotion for you, unrestrained by the boundaries of space and time." Feeling Tali's eyes on me, Wrex's eyes and Garrus' eyes, I buried my face in my hands, agonized. "So long as you continually reinforce your connection with this person, you will be safe. I see that it is strong now, but it may diminish in the future, as with any connection. If this happens, then you will fail as we did. Your immunity is only as powerful as their belief in you, and your trust in their belief."

Insignificant, expendable, worthless, meaningless:

Vigil's words shattered something in my head all over again, breaking my heart along with it.

This same fucking devastation that Liara had forced on me all those months ago came flooding back, only worse, so much worse. And I had to break my own voice, my own lungs to keep from letting anyone hear me, but they knew anyway. Tali, Wrex, and Garrus stayed by me, right behind me from where I stood here with my back to them, hiding—hiding from them, from Shepard, from Liara, from Vigil; from this inescapable reality that wouldn't let me go, wouldn't let me be free for once in my damn life!

Nothing I did mattered.

Nothing I felt mattered, not at all.

None of the love that Shepard had made to me mattered; none of the love I had given back to her mattered at all in the face of this. I had given her all of me last night, and the night before; I had given her everything I was over these months; I had longed for her with everything in me for years before we met, knowing that my dreams of being with her were probably impossible.

And now I saw for certain that those dreams were impossible—definitely, officially.

Nothing in me could compare to this, to this one thing I could never compete with…

But just like the fool I was, I knew I'd never let go of her. I would love Shepard anyway. I loved her—so damned much. I loved her, and not even my own meaninglessness could stop me from feeling this way.

Fading away already, Vigil gave its last words, "The one you call Saren has nearly reached the Conduit. Once he activates it, there will be a time limit to follow after him. Should you fail to reach the Conduit in time, it will close, and it will remain inaccessible. You must stop Sovereign from manually activating the Citadel's mass relay, bringing the Reapers out from dark space. They will find another way, another day. For now, you must prevent the Reapers from returning while you are unprepared to face their vast numbers. And when they return in force, carry on our legacy. End the cycle once and for all with your devotion. You are our last hope."

As Vigil disappeared, that pale light gone forever, no one moved or said anything for a moment.

They just stood there, listening to me restrain myself, listening my heart break one piece at a time.

But we didn't have time for me to lose it like this.

We didn't have the space, or the freedom to let me go through this breakdown—so I stopped it as much as possible, as much as I could. Splitting my own forehead open like this, I had to deal with it. I wasn't allowed to fall apart while there was so much we still had to do.

We had to stop Saren.

We had to stop Sovereign, and stop the Reapers from coming back today, right now.

That was way more important than anything we felt in this moment, than what I felt in this moment.

Shepard knew the same. She stepped closer to Vigil's console, taking that copy of the data file, to use on the Citadel's master control panel once we got there. She then had us leave the area, going back to the elevator, back up to where we'd left the Mako, and back into the rover.

She sat next to me here in the back, again, saying nothing.

Liara sat on Shepard's other side, staying quiet; trying to figure out what to say to her.

Tali and Garrus sat together, somber in the same notes.

And again, no one said anything once Wrex started driving, hurrying us past where that barrier had been. On this long, winding road to the Conduit, he had to dodge more of Saren's geth, like on Virmire. Even though Wrex was sober this time, I wasn't sure if I trusted him to pull this off and get us to the Conduit in time. Like so much else today, we didn't have a choice. We were already on our way.

Too distracted with her own worries to care about that, Shepard stared down at the floor of the truck.

Still in pain, so much pain, all I could do was keep pushing this back. We had our mission. I had to fucking focus. No matter how much I wanted to stop everything and cry a river over this, thicker than the shallow waters we drove through past all of these geth, I just…couldn't.

Liara set her hand over Shepard's arm, saying to her, "I understand that much of what Vigil said came as a shock to all of us. We needn't discuss anything right now. At some point, we should… We will need to have a conversation about this, sooner or later."

Ignoring her, not ignoring her—Shepard had gone blank, unable to process anything anymore.

Selfish of me, I leaned against her a little, reminding her that I was here. Reminding myself that she was still here, no matter how far-gone she was, stuck in her own head. I couldn't blame her for feeling this way. Not at all. She had the weight of the entire galaxy on her shoulders now. And despite everything, I still wanted to support her, to help lessen even some of this pressure bearing down on her.

Right as we reached the incline leading down to the Conduit, that mass relay glowing and spinning, about to expire forever, this déjà-vu hit me, hit all of us—

Spinning out of control while dodging those geth, Wrex lost control—

Spinning out, flipping out, the Mako fell over on its side—

Spinning toward me, Shepard grabbed me on instinct. She cradled my head and gripped me, activating her augmentation to protect us both from the impact. Our shields initially kept us safe from that first snapping hit, making me feel like my neck was about to snap in half—the same for Tali and Garrus, with Liara and Wrex using their biotics again to float them through this bullshit for the second time—

And then we all crawled out through the door again, but without time. We stayed hidden behind the Mako fallen over on its side, shielding us from all the geth firing at us everywhere, with no time left.

The Conduit was about to close, the backdoor onto the Citadel was about to close:

We didn't have enough time to deal with this again!

So full of shame—Wrex wouldn't look at any of us, knowing that I wanted to rip him to shreds right now.

I was so pissed off, I didn't even notice that Shepard had let go of me, and that she wasn't here—not until it was too late. Not until I heard the sounds of Shepard's cloak shifting her to invisibility. Not until I heard her combat boots sprinting across the shallow waters. Not until I heard Liara shouting Shepard's name, about to run after her. Not until I saw Garrus pull her back, reminding her in a panic that the geth would rip through her kinetic barriers if she set foot past this fallen Mako in front of us.

Running away, running away…

Shepard ran away from us, bolting toward the huge light of the Conduit all by herself.

"Shepard!" I yelled out, trying to run. Louder, echoing over this gunfire, over everything, "Shepard, you have to stop! Don't do this! Stop running away!"

Tali grabbed me before I could go. "Ashley, please, you can't!" she cried. Gripping me, wrestling with my strength, stronger than her; "It's too dangerous! The geth will see you, and they'll tear you apart! We're surrounded! There are too many of them!"

Liara stopped fighting against Garrus, standing there with her head down. I wasn't about to give up, not like her!

"Damnit, Tali, we're NOT doing this!" I shouted, pushing harder, harder through these tears blurring my sight of that light. "Let me go! I'm not letting Shepard do this alone! She could fucking die on the Citadel without us! Now move!"

Shaking her head against me, about to cry—Tali held me tighter.

As strong as she suddenly was, refusing to lose me, too, this blur fell from my eyes right on time.

Right on time, letting me see as Shepard reached that blinding light of the Conduit.

Alone, she passed through—the mass relay spun and spun more, sending Shepard off; shooting her now-uncloaked form through that distance to the Citadel, undeniable in her all-black stealth suit and brilliant colors, even from this distance. And then the Conduit shut off. Its bright core stopped spinning. That light gone, none of us could follow. Mass relay inactive now, none of us could go after Shepard. She was on her own now. She was by herself, as she wanted, as she preferred, those old habits swelling back up to the surface to protect her from this pain, this confusion, and this burden that she eventually had to deal with.

No one to support her.

She had ran off into that unknown without us.

Without me.

Nearly defeated, almost broken, I stayed like this in Tali's stubborn hold. I couldn't even realize that someone had called Joker for immediate extraction. I couldn't even perceive that Liara had really given into her own fears and worries, going mute, expressionless somewhere over there.

I had to keep reminding myself:

This wasn't the worst yet.

By far, it wasn't.

That was the only thing that kept me going, getting back to the Normandy and away from these geth. I had to step up again as the team's second-in-command. I ordered Joker to take us back to the Citadel. We had to find some way to support Shepard through this, to save her. Stubborn as I was, fresh with these sickening hopes of mine that refused to leave me: I couldn't let her down. Not for anything. I still, still couldn't give up on us, no matter how pointless it all may have been.