"LIMB Clinic" from Deus Ex: Human Revolution
XXXIV. Praxis
(Miranda)
Getting Shepard to the med bay after the suddenness of her injuries, everything began to sink in. More so once Jack also had to lie down, promptly falling unconscious. Even more as I stood somewhere in the center of the room, only able to do this much. Watching as Dr. Chakwas tended to Shepard and Jack both, barely masking the worry in her face. Dissociating in this way. Losing track of any sense of time or place. Only able to realize that I was here, standing as normal, awake and physically fine, while Shepard lay on this bed paces away from me, hidden limbs within the black of her stealth suit broken and bleeding. The same as my heart as I struggled not to do more than simply stand here. The same as me.
No sound reached my ears—except for the barely-audible inhales and exhales from her bleeding nose.
This sterile smell of the med bay certainly reached me. Cleansing her, healing. Easing her comatose pain.
Yet no other light reached my eyes—except for this dimmed, dulled sun of hers, streaked and reddened, more, even after Dr. Chakwas had attempted to wipe Shepard's now-scarred face. Scarred worst over her left brow, I worried about a permanent scar forming there. Not enough to ruin her, no. Never that.
Only serving as a constant reminder of her decisions with me, with Jack.
Sacrificing herself like that…
I knew her. I knew her body. I knew her tolerances. I knew what was enough to absolutely destroy her.
Once again, this look on Dr. Chakwas' face, concern past her trained calm, told me what we'd avoided.
Shepard could have…
She should have…
She knew it when she made that fucking choice, and she still did it anyway!
I realized the depths of what might have happened on that prison ship. As I did, such a cold sweat broke out over my forehead. Broken heart quickening, palpitating. Minor trembles of my body—I clutched my arms around myself, locking my posture this way. Slight ringing in my ears, drawn-out and deafening. Light head. Such light, light dizziness, lifting me out of this experience; dissociating me more and more and more and more. Forcing myself to breathe, more—all I could think about was the Lazarus Project. Those two years. Possibly having to repeat that time, that trauma. Repeating those two damned years I'd spent bringing Shepard back. Spending those fortunes had meant nothing to me. Spending that time, those emotions… I saw myself re-living it all over again if I had to. As may have been necessary. And I would have. I absolutely would have gone back to pushing myself to work those long-hour days, before retreating to my room and falling into a crying mess, alone. Then putting my mask back on the next day. My persona.
It all grew worse once I remembered that everyone else was behind me. Staring at Shepard, at Jack, at me. Garrus, Legion, Mordin, Zaeed, and Joker were all here in the med bay. Waiting the same as I was. Waiting for Dr. Chakwas' assessment. Waiting for me to say something: to assume my responsibilities.
"If I'm incapacitated or otherwise unavailable, then you will act as the captain in my stead."
But I couldn't do a thing. Not like this. Not until I knew that Shepard would be all right. And if she wouldn't, then I would move heaven and all once again to bring her back. Time and time again, I would. Draining the galaxy dry of resources if I had to. Draining myself; breaking myself down to narrow those two years to a single year and three hundred and sixty-four days as a single accomplishment, as needed.
Joker and the others knew enough of what was on my mind right now.
So they said nothing. They simply waited for the verdict. Somehow transferring their empathy to me.
They didn't have to see my face to know my expression in this moment.
My expression radiated from my body anyway. Airwaves tightening, constricting in this cold sweat.
Freezing cold, hearing loss: by the time Dr. Chakwas ambled over to me, speaking that verdict, I could hear nothing. Nothing at all. Sweat scalping my head, just beneath view, I had to focus on her. Reading her lips until this ringing in my ears went away. As if submerged deep underwater, then coming back up for air, with the sounds of the winds returning. Dark depths replaced with the warm calm of her voice:
"Miranda, can you hear me? Shepard and Jack are going to be fine. In time. They will be out for a while."
Needing to make sure, I forced this reply, "For how long…?"
"A few days," counseled Dr. Chakwas. "Perhaps a week. No longer than that. I'll continue to do all I can for them. But these comas are unavoidable. We'll need to be patient while they take this time to heal."
A few days. Perhaps a week.
Not nearly as long as two whole years.
I made myself breathe. In and out. Feeling the very colors return to my surroundings, my perception.
These palpitations continued to puncture my heart every other beat. Yet this dizziness went away. This sweat over my head congealed to my preferred gleam of ice. These recent memories of Shepard naming me as her queen: I wore them proudly over my crown of now-chilled hair. I raised my head up higher.
"Of course," I said, putting my mask back on. Welding it back over my face. "Thank you, Dr. Chakwas."
Despite my best efforts, she conveyed her concern for me. That worry in her eyes, directed at me. All me.
And when I turned to the team, I found a similar story about them, through their eyes. Even Legion.
None of that mattered anymore. At least, not right now. Not as I led them just outside the med bay, to debrief with them. To give Dr. Chakwas a bit more space to work without all of us hovering over her.
Without me hovering over her. Hovering over Shepard…as I knew I would be as soon as I returned.
For now, I stood among the team here in the mess hall. They stood in something of a circle nearby.
Watching me.
Taking in every little thing about me.
Shepard should have been the one doing this…not me.
As I spoke to them, I projected only what I needed to—"Well, you heard her. It sounds like Shepard and Jack will be just fine. Eventually. We'll just have to give them this time to rest. There's nothing more we can do for them." I ignored my powerlessness. The others could not, showing that same sentiment in their faces. "At any rate, we've successfully brought Jack aboard. She's also agreed to join the team—amicably, this time. So the mission was a success. Relatively speaking. Shepard told me that she plans on picking up Tali'Zorah soon. That will be our next objective."
Meek, Joker spoke up, "Hey, actually, Tali emailed me during the last mission… Said she's still out on Haestrom with her team of quarian marines. She'll be ready the day after tomorrow."
"That's good," I noted. "Where would she like us to pick her up from?"
"Directly from the Flotilla. I already have the vectors she sent over, and the 'password'. We'll have permission to stay docked at the Rayya until she leaves with us. Just pick the location on the galaxy map whenever. I marked it for you. Should only take us a few hours to get there from where we are now."
"Thank you, Joker. I'll do it soon. I imagine you'd all like to wind down after the mission. Feel free to do whatever you'd like. Nothing else is on the agenda until Shepard is back on her feet. You're dismissed."
One by one, Zaeed, Joker, Mordin, Legion, and Garrus took their leave. Each looking like they wanted to say something else to me. They were all wise enough to hold their tongues, retreating either to the elevator or the crew's quarters. Legion returned to its usual location in the AI Core, through the med bay. And it took everything for me to not follow behind. To return to Shepard's side while Dr. Chakwas tended to her. I knew that if I did, I would give too much of myself away. As if it should have mattered… Yet I held myself back regardless. Saving face.
Once everyone dispersed, I waited for a moment. Again, pushing back all of these temptations to simply go in the med bay and stay there. Decay there for as long as it took for Shepard to be all right again.
I forced myself to take the elevator up to the command deck instead.
As I went over to the galaxy map, straight ahead, I found the momentum of this moment, momentous.
When Shepard had first named me as her executive officer, I had imagined something like this happening. The worst-case scenario where Shepard was indeed incapacitated, and I would have to step up as the Normandy's temporary captain. I had worried that it may have caused some…friction, if a certain someone was still with us. I'd feared that it might have tipped the scales too much. Jealousy. Paranoia.
But now, as I leaned on this handrail, staring at the galaxy on this map, I realized how different this was.
How different it felt.
And as I set the course for the Migrant Fleet's current location, I couldn't help getting caught up in this.
I listened to the soft silence everywhere. The hum of the ship's equipment running. The vague sounds of the crew across the way working in diligence—in a worried diligence, anyway, with some of their minds clearly elsewhere, thinking about Shepard in the med bay. If at all possible, I even felt EDI's concern for us—for me—in her observations all around. Her presence seemed to filter through to me somehow.
Then I remembered: Shepard had passed full permissions to me as captain. If I decided, I could head up to her private quarters. EDI would have allowed me entry. And I wanted to go up there. I certainly did.
But I couldn't bring myself to do it.
I left the opportunity in the air, indefinitely so. I returned to my room instead in this frazzled, forced calm.
Over the next two days, I thought that I would spend this time with pride. Waiting with dignity. Even finding my patience and applying it, thoroughly. I had planned on getting some work done. Eating once a day as needed. Visiting Shepard and Jack in the med bay for a reasonable amount of time as they continued to sleep on in their respective comas. Perhaps spending these extra days organizing my already-organized belongings, taking stock of anything I needed to replace or acquire anew. But, as I should have expected, that ended up not happening. None of it did. Because of Shepard. Her foresight.
Instead, I spent these days stuck in bed. Curled up under my comforter in my nightdress, a complete mess. The only company I had was this letter. This handwritten letter that Shepard had left on my desk. Written just before our last briefing, when we'd left for the comm room at staggered times. Regaling me with her strict, professional handwriting, her honesty wrenched me each time I read her words again:
Miranda,
We don't have much time. I mean that in a couple of different ways.
We only have until maybe the end of the year to be like this. To have this time. To just…be around each other, and talk, and take it easy. We still have the Collectors to deal with. But we'll get to them when we're ready. I know we will. It's not something that feels forced on us. No war, no invasions.
Before the Reapers get here, I want to make the most of our time together. I want to take you out. I want to travel with you, with the team. Have that meaningful time for shore leave all across the galaxy; sharing in those memorable experiences with you and with the others. You make me happier than I ever thought was possible. So I want to show you off. I want to make sure that everyone knows you're mine, too. Yeah, we have our mission, and wherever we go should usually be relevant to whatever the team needs. I just need you to know my intentions. You can look forward to everything with me. Going anywhere with me. Being anything by my side. I want you to really live with me—in a true, full passion.
For what it's worth, I know what you're used to. Someone liking you the way I do, I get that it's new for you. But Miranda, I want you to know: I like you more because you're "unlikable" on the outside. You're perfect, and perfectly flawed. You're genuinely sweet and caring. You have so much to give. Not everyone is wise enough to take the time to see you for who you are. You don't shrink yourself, or censor anything to please anyone. You're confident even with your insecurities. I respect you a lot.
There aren't many people who are worthy of you. I'm glad that I'm on this VIP list of yours. It's a special feeling. I'll do everything I can to make sure I stay on this list in your heart—right at the top.
See you soon,
Shepard
.
I had written my response to her already.
Yet I couldn't help worrying, worrying, worrying—worrying that I would never get the chance to give this to her. Worrying that I would be able to give this to her, but only after an inordinate amount of time. And worrying more that I couldn't just give this to her now. Because I had to wait. Waiting for her to wake up. For her to get back on her feet. For her to disperse this cloud, this mist and this fog that had overtaken the Normandy, and the crew ever since I'd brought her broken body back from that prison ship.
Needing to wait to be with Shepard again had effectively locked me in a prison of my own making.
These walls closing in on me:
Constant reminders of those bygone years when I would do this before. Falling into my damned feelings. Crippling loneliness, gripping my skin with these ice cold claws of insecurities. These pervasive voices in my head haunting me, telling me that I would never be good enough for my own ambitions, let alone for her. Unattainable visions of some faraway perfection, glimmering in the distance out of my reach: all as some collection of traits that I would supposedly never have, supposedly never find, supposedly never, ever live up to. I wanted to stop caring; I wanted to give up and not bother chasing after this idea…
But I couldn't. I saw that idea wrapped up nicely within Shepard's perception of me. No fighting, no drama. She gave me the gaze I wanted simply by looking at me. By being around me. By trusting me the way she had during the last mission—to that extent—even if this was the end result. And hopefully, one day, she would give me more of this feeling…physically. Lighting me up with her touch; burning me alive in only the best of ways. Having her hands on my body, having her inside of me—I needed her right now.
Still, I hated that my own self-worth was compromised like this.
I hated that I was essentially out of commission until my mirror was fixed again.
I hated that I needed Shepard to mirror all of this to me, making up for what I never had before.
Yet I knew, at some point, I had to stop moping around like this. I had to get up and brush myself off. As weak and inadequate as I felt now, Shepard's persistent presence in my heart continued to warm me. I couldn't completely find that heat, that fire of determination on my own, within myself.
These special genes of mine couldn't make up for any of this.
That didn't have to stop me from living. Even if I was too pathetic to go back to walking on my own.
By the time I forced myself out of bed, into the shower, and back out again, getting dressed in my uniform, the passage of time at last registered to me.
We were still docked at the Migrant Fleet, at the Rayya. For one specific reason.
EDI let me know, "Miranda, Tali'Zorah is nearly ready. She is requesting permission to come aboard. However, per protocol with the Migrant Fleet, the Rayya's ship captain must first send an armed security and quarantine team to ensure that the Normandy is clean. Due to the celebrity status of Shepard's vessel, the captain will merely send this team to interview Mr. Moreau on the bridge. An actual inspection will very likely not be necessary."
Again, something else that Shepard should have handled. Not me.
"Permission granted," I accepted anyway. "Thank you, EDI."
Arming myself with my persona once more, I left my room and headed over to the med bay. I wanted to see Shepard again. I couldn't know if Tali'Zorah knew of what had happened—if Garrus or Joker had told her ahead of time. Then again, I supposed I could assume the answer on my own. She didn't appear to be in a grand rush to get over her. So perhaps she wasn't aware yet.
I could only imagine her reaction once she did find out.
As I reached the door to the med bay, I was surprised to find Zaeed exiting the area. He didn't notice me right away. Too busy in his head, stuck in his thoughts. Worrying about Shepard; maybe worrying about Jack as well. Remarkably pensive for them. He spotted me as we passed by one another.
Zaeed grunted out his politeness, "All right, Lawson?"
"Good evening, Zaeed," I replied, civil enough.
He continued on to the crew's quarters, letting out a low chuckle. Amused by what, I could never know.
So long as he didn't go back to needling me about every little thing, I couldn't mind his current mood.
Within the brightness of the med bay, I found Dr. Chakwas tending to Jack on the other side of the room. Shepard continued to lay over the same bed, with her hair down, spilling out beneath her. Still in her stealth suit, she had at least stopped bleeding. Joker and Garrus stood near her bed, at first oblivious to my approach. From the reports Dr. Chakwas had periodically sent over to me—over these whirlwind days—I knew that Shepard's condition was stable. As was Jack's. It was just a matter of time now.
Hopefully not too much longer.
Because if I allowed myself to keep festering in my emotions, I worried that my anger would take over, as a shield. Shielding me from the rest. Shielding me from this pain I felt, only able to watch as Shepard lay there, completely oblivious to me, and to her other visitors.
From the way I idealized her at times, she really should have been immortal.
Sadly, this near-death experience for her had opened my eyes to reality.
Joker noticed me first. "Hey, Miranda," he muttered. "Haven't seen you in a while. You doing okay?"
"I suppose so," I lied. "Thank you for asking."
Garrus didn't seem to believe me. He shifted the subject regardless—"Tali just emailed us. She asked if Joker and I could go pick her up. She wants to show the two of us around the Rayya. Introduce us to the admirals, her other friends, and her father at home. Figured it'd be nice to do that first… You know."
So she definitely wasn't aware. "You should. I would encourage the three of you to spend that time together as old friends. Go do that with her, and then come back. We aren't going anywhere."
"We'll do it, then," said Joker, while Garrus used his omni-tool to reply to Tali's email. "I'm just worried about breaking the news to her. You already know she's gonna freak. Since Shepard's out of commission, we figured we should tell Tali about the whole drama, too. About Ash and Liara, and you—what you pulled off. Everything. Might be better than making her wait until the commander's back at it again."
"There really isn't any way to avoid it. I trust you'll handle this with her as you see fit. I would only advise you to also tell her about Legion beforehand. To prevent any unnecessary surprises or confrontations."
"Will do, Miranda," promised Garrus. "Joker and I should get going, then. I'm guessing we'll be gone for a while. Pretty sure you'll hear Tali barging through the door once she's back with us."
Joker managed to grin. "Yeah, definitely. Better get ready for a storm!"
"Of course," I humored. "Have a good time."
Once the pair of them went on their way, Dr. Chakwas came over to me.
"Miranda, there you are," she said, looking glad to see me. "How are you doing?"
"I'm all right," I lied once again. "Thank you."
Dr. Chakwas hummed, also appearing not to believe me. Yet she set that aside, continuing on, "Well, you should know that everything will be just fine. I worried for a while that we might have needed to get Jack and the commander to a hospital instead. They're both quite stubborn, powering through this as best as they can. I imagine they'll wake up by tomorrow at least, if not sooner."
Feeling so hollow, I could barely believe her.
"That's good news. I'm relieved."
Not wanting us to carry on like this, she ordered me, "Come, let's have a seat. We really should speak."
Dr. Chakwas sat down at her desk. Turning around to face the other chair near her.
I sat down there. Facing this way, facing her, I could still keep Shepard in my sights like this. Unending.
Non-accusing, Dr. Chakwas began her speech, "You know, Miranda, I've been concerned about you. I've not banned you from the med bay, and yet your visits have been surprisingly sparse. I assumed you would have wished to spend more time here, checking in with the commander. Watching over her in-person instead of relying on my reports. Would you like to share why you've been stuck in your room?"
I could say nothing to that.
Dr. Chakwas and I surely had a positive working relationship from the Lazarus Project. We got along fine.
But this exceeded the scope of our harmony together. Eclipsing, shadowing.
She knew this, yet she smiled at me anyway.
"I must say," she went on. "I don't have a traditional family myself. Not anymore. The Normandy is my home, and you are all my children. That includes you, Miss Perfection." I lightened somewhat with her levity. "It's why I've decided to break the ice this way, so to speak. And because of my…regrets. With the past. With the ones we've already lost."
Dr. Chakwas saw the comprehension in my eyes. She knew I understood her attempts; her regrets.
Yet I continued to say nothing. Giving nothing away. Emoting nothing whatsoever.
I had no idea how long Dr. Chakwas and I sat here. Staring at one another without speaking.
Several minutes must have passed with us having this non-verbal understanding—that I was far too closed-off to be honest with her; that she may have been overcorrecting for her past regrets in doing this with me. I couldn't tell her that I was perfectly fine. Or that I would be, soon enough. As soon as Shepard was all right again, I would be, too. Even though I knew my anger would take over instead, as that shield. Preventing me from getting too emotional. Because no one, not even Shepard, could know the sickening extent to which I needed her in my life. I needed her to be okay again. I needed her.
In her wisdom, Dr. Chakwas eventually told me, "If nothing else, Miranda, I appreciate your dedication. Whether it's your steadfast resolve to remain poised and in control, or how reliable you are, it is all very admirable. The praxis of your dedication to Shepard is unmatched: how you put your feelings for her into practice. Acting on them in practicality and care. It's quite contradictory to your unique exterior."
"My cold exterior, you mean."
She gave me another warm smile. "You can be a rather cold woman, yes. But I don't fault you for it."
"Well, this is simply how I am. I'm not trying to offend you with my aversion to all of this."
"I know you aren't," she forgave. "Yet I'm not the only one who feels this way. The others have noticed as well. Why, not that long ago, Joker, Zaeed, Mordin, Legion, and Garrus were all speculating as to your well-being. Wondering if they should attempt to contact you somehow, to ask if you were all right. They shirked away from the possibility. Fearing your coldness, or reprisal. They care for you all the same."
Not used to any of this, I looked away from her.
Once again, we spent more time in this odd silence. Dr. Chakwas continued to observe me. I continued to stare off at Shepard's unconscious form atop that bed, wishing she would wake up already.
I really wanted to get up and leave. But I didn't want to be rude.
Yet this inordinate amount of time passed on anyway.
After this ridiculous time passed, Dr. Chakwas decided that enough was enough. I wasn't going to budge.
As a consolation prize for my rigid patience, she forwarded a few permissions to my omni-tool.
"Here," she said. "You're now able to enter the med bay when the room is locked. When I'm not available during after hours. In case you'd like to sneak in later, uninterrupted. Without the others around. Should you need anything, you can simply send me an email. I hope that will suffice."
"That's quite generous of you, Dr. Chakwas," I accepted. "I appreciate it."
"Of course, dear. It's the least I can do—"
Panicked and heaving for breath, Tali'Zorah burst through the door in a rush of yellow and violets.
Garrus wandered in after her, with Joker barely able to keep up, trailing in behind them.
Spotting Shepard on the bed, Tali panicked more, on the verge of tears now—"Oh, Keelah, I can't believe this! Why hasn't she woken up yet? Will she be all right? Why has she been out for this long?!"
Dr. Chakwas stood up, reassuring her, "Shepard will be just fine. There's no need to panic."
Taking in those words, Tali tried to breathe. No doubt reliving her own traumas after Shepard's death.
"Sorry," she exhaled. "As soon as Garrus and Joker told me what happened, I rushed over here. I wish they would have mentioned it sooner. I felt awful for…not knowing. Wasting time at home when I could have been here instead." Tali sighed one last time, shaking off enough of her worries. "Err, right. It seems I forgot myself… Thank you for taking care of Shepard. It's good to see you again, Dr. Chakwas."
"You as well, Tali," replied Dr. Chakwas, smiling. "I take it you're caught up with everything else as well?"
Defiant, Tali responded, "Yes, I am. Finally knowing the truth that I'd suspected all along…it's honestly burning me up. But I'm glad to have answers at long last." Nearly boiling over, her emotions slow-burned to a hotter pitch, moment-by-moment, word-by-word: "Ashley did all of this… Exactly like I knew she would. I never did trust her all the way. And I'm glad I didn't! That selfish, lying bosh'tet killed my best friend! I won't forgive her for this, or for breaking Shepard's heart the way she did. Good riddance!"
Dr. Chakwas clutched her figurative pearls, rather thrown by the outburst.
Garrus looked stunned and shaken, nearly staggering back in his own surprise.
Joker coughed, awkward. "Well, don't hold back, Tali. Tell us how you really feel!"
"I thought I just did?" puzzled Tali, oblivious to the saying. She then found me standing near her, and looked up at me properly. I found the brights of Tali's eyes slanted downward behind the opacity of her mask. Despite her many curiosities about me brimming, she was chilly in saying, "Hello again, Miranda."
Nodding in curtness, I remembered my responsibilities:
"Welcome aboard the new Normandy, Tali'Zorah," I spoke to her. Then I looked to Shepard still unconscious on the bed. Mindful, I offered my left hand. "And welcome back to the team."
Tali warmed somewhat as she shook my hand. At least appreciating my respect for quarian customs.
"Thank you, Miranda," she said. "But you don't have to call me that anymore. Tali is fine from now on."
"Understood, Tali."
For some reason, Tali giggled in a dark sort of impishness. Cryptic and unknowable, she had her own thoughts and opinions of me that I couldn't quite fathom. Not in this moment. At the very least, I could tell by her stare that she had something in mind. Observing me, scrutinizing me—clearly vetting me in her own ways, as that potential partner for her beloved captain. I didn't get the sense at all that she viewed me as some sort of competition. Not in the slightest. I instead felt her making up her mind about me.
I acknowledged that Tali was intelligent enough to see this for what it was.
As far as Shepard's affections were concerned, the two of us weren't on the same plane.
If I was to be Shepard's queen, with Tali as her princess, then this already spelled out our roles here.
Yet I still saw the possible source of strife between us:
Tali had seemed entertained by me during Freedom's Progress, given all the time I'd spent staring. Unable to help it. But she had obviously changed her mind on that, given my Cerberus affiliations—not fully trusting me with Shepard's heart, because of my professional loyalties. She could have influenced Shepard away from me. All out of genuine care and concern. Not for any dangerous, malicious reasons.
Retaliating against her would only get me in trouble. Far too much trouble. Possibly life-ending trouble.
Tali was untouchable. Full-stop. Red light. Hard limit.
Nevertheless, I respected how much power she had in this situation. Whether she was aware of her authority or not, I saw that I had to tread carefully here. I could not, would not make Tali my enemy. Not like Liara and Ashley—that whole saga. I truly wished to get along with her. Besides, I had already made the mistake of underestimating Tali before. I knew that it would have been foolish of me to do so again.
Tali let out another laugh, smoother this time. Finding her new entertainment with me today. Somehow.
"Well, anyway," she went on. "It's good to be back on the team. Seeing these new faces, too. I'm looking forward to where we go next. I can't believe how nostalgic this feels, being back on the Normandy—"
Noticing something else in the room, Tali stopped mid-sentence.
She gasped in a sudden shock.
Legion had entered the med bay from the AI Core.
We all looked over at it.
Upon Tali's staring, Legion looked around at us. Unclear of how to proceed—if it should say anything or not.
Panicked once more, Tali drew her sidearm—"Geth! Get down!"
Tali shot at Legion right in the middle of the med bay!
As alarmed as I was—as we all were—we couldn't think to stop her.
Somehow, Shepard and Jack continued to sleep on in the middle of all the noise.
Legion took cover behind one of the beds; Tali continued shooting at it. "Allied fire. Taking cover. Requesting assistance, Operator Lawson!"
Still incensed, Tali lowered her gun. "Miranda, how does that geth know your name? And what is it doing here on the ship!?"
"Garrus. Joker," I said, scowling. "Did you fail to warn her? Despite what I told you before you left?"
The two of them just gave me a sheepish look. Unable to say anything. They knew I didn't want excuses.
I gestured for Legion to emerge from its makeshift cover. It did so, remaining calm enough.
I explained, "Legion isn't like the other geth you faced before. It doesn't worship the Reapers. It wants to stop the geth who do."
Tali scorned, "So, it's just one of the friendly geth who drove my people from their homeworld!"
Legion defended itself, "We do not intend physical harm to the creators at this time."
"That's not all," I added. "It also helped me bring Shepard back. She wouldn't be here otherwise."
Not liking this at all, Tali relented, "Fine. I don't want to get into this now."
All of a sudden, Tali, Garrus, and Joker realized: they'd interrupted my so-called conversation with Dr. Chakwas from before their arrival.
Their antics had also disturbed the peace here in the med bay.
Garrus cleared his throat. "Right. Looks like you two were in the middle of something. Sorry about that."
"Yeah," agreed Joker. "We'll leave you to it. Tali, wanna head out now? We can go back to your place. Finish up that tour you promised us. Your Dad looked kinda confused when we took off like that."
"Sure," said Tali, guilty and downcast. "Sorry as well for all the noise. And panicking. And shooting… We'll come visit again another time, if that's all right."
Thin-lipped, Dr. Chakwas otherwise gave nothing away. "That's fine, Tali. My patients should still be here when you return. You all take care."
Taking that forced-politeness as an order to get the hell out, Tali left with Joker and Garrus.
Legion also retreated back to the AI Core.
Once they were gone, Dr. Chakwas let out a sigh. Privately souring over the youth among us, no doubt.
For all of Tali's accomplishments and capabilities, I often forgot that I was twelve years older than her.
"Tali certainly is a firecracker," chatted Dr. Chakwas. "I can't blame her for her reactions. Garrus and Joker really should have warned her about Legion beforehand… They must not have had the chance to, what with Tali's concern over Shepard's state. I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt." She then noticed the time. "Hmm, it's getting rather late. If you'd like, Miranda, you can stay here while I head off. I can't imagine you'd want to spend another night by your lonesome. Perhaps Shepard would appreciate you remaining by her side tonight. I do believe she's finding some of her awareness by now."
"Of course," I accepted, hiding my anticipation. "I wouldn't mind staying with her this time. Thank you."
Dr. Chakwas dimmed the lights down to near-darkness. "Wonderful!" she replied. "A bit of love and attention should do the trick." She didn't notice how my face had reddened as she lowered the blinds over the windows. "Well, you of course have permission to come and go freely as you see fit. Remember to send me an email, should anything arise. Have a good night, then."
"Good night, Dr. Chakwas."
As she left the med bay, she locked the door behind her. Leaving me to this absolute silence and privacy.
Out of curiosity, I wandered over to Jack's side first. Listening to the faint hum of the medical equipment all around, I couldn't quite hear Jack as she breathed on. No concerns showed in her face whatsoever. Still dressed in that all-black, boyish getup of hers, she did look just fine. Sleeping soundly. Unbothered.
I almost wanted to be angry with her. Hating Jack for what she had done to Shepard—by accident.
None of this was her fault.
That was the only truth that kept my harsher emotions away.
Besides, I had already made my own promises. Once Jack woke up, I would have to send her those files on her family. About her mother, who was still alive and searching for her. I owed that much to her for cooperating with me—for not dooming us to a fiery death on that ship during our confrontation.
Shepard had found her sympathies for this new member of our team. Somehow.
I had to do the same in my own way. Eventually.
Far more subdued now, I went over to Shepard's side. Gazing down at her as she slept on. Admiring the way she scowled in her sleep like this. Up close, I could see the way her skin absorbed every bit of light still in the dimmed room. Only the slight paleness about her complexion gave away her state.
Needing to feel her again, I lay down with Shepard over her bed. Without a lot of room to work with, I practically had to rest on top of her. I leaned my front against her side like this. And I sighed over this closeness, warmed and contented, despite my moods attempting to creep back and haunt me. This comforting, weighted material of Shepard's stealth suit blanketed me, pillowing. I found more soothing softness in this sheen of her long, long hair flowing down next to me. Even more: I could listen to her heart like this. Her breathing. Hearing for myself that she was still alive. Thriving no matter what.
Just as I was about to silence my omni-tool alerts for the night, I received an unexpected alert:
Garrus had created a new chat room for the team: Team Renegade Shepard Redux. He'd sent me an invite to join. As part of the invitation, there was a message from him—stipulations about the rules. I wasn't allowed to tell Shepard about this, and no one was allowed to gossip about her in the chat. Same as before. Though I did find this rather cute. The rest of the team actually believed that Shepard had no idea about the first chat room. And I'd of course spied on their communications there two years ago.
Then again, I shouldn't have been surprised about this. Now that Tali was with us, she'd brought along with her a certain spirit and liveliness, brightening the whole team already. She seemed to be the heart of the original team—what was left of it. I expected that quality about her to extend to this new group.
I accepted the invite. Figuring it was only a matter of time until Shepard found out about this chat, too.
Already, the main room was alight in jovial conversation. I checked the members list, this time surprised to see everyone here. Everyone—Tali, Garrus, Joker, Mordin, and Zaeed. Even EDI and Legion had joined. They'd also invited along Urdnot Wrex, even though he was still on Tuchanka, serving as clan chief for his people.
Then I noticed the biggest shock: Garrus had extended moderator privileges to me. I could only wonder why. I figured it was due to my place in the team's chain of command. He trusted me like this already.
Making myself more comfortable over Shepard like this, I decided to read their messages for a while:
[22:10:32] Joker: And what did I tell you? Miranda just joined! You owe me now, Zaeed!
[22:11:01] Zaeed: Yeah, yeah. Fine. You win. Can't believe I even joined this thing myself. You goddamn kids are gonna drive me up a wall.
[22:11:20] Wrex: Look who's talking. Human thinks he's old. They ever tell you how old I am, Zaeed
[22:11:42] Zaeed: Sure they did. I get it, you're a fucking dinosaur. T-Rex. Real clever.
[22:11:59] Tali: A very lovable, huggable dinosaur. Wrex gives the best hugs.
[22:12:12] Zaeed: Christ, girl. Keep this up and you'll give me a bloody toothache.
[22:12:31] Wrex: Hey that's my favorite quarian you're talking about. I owe Tali a few hugs these days
[22:12:50] EDI: Dinosaurs on Earth were known predators. Mainly the carnivores such as the Tyrannosaurus Rex. It is not logical to assume that such predators were capable of amiable care.
[22:13:09] Joker: It was a joke, EDI! God, you can't keep doing this whole Captain Obvious thing. It's seriously pissing me off. You pull this crap all the freaking time. Stop being so literal about everything!
[22:13:20] Legion: Is EDI your god as the Normandy's AI?
[22:13:32] Joker: You, too, Legion! Cut it out already!
[22:13:52] Garrus: You know, Joker, it was your idea to include everyone. I'm still glad you brought it up. It'll be a good learning experience for us to get along like this. Synthetics and organics working together.
[22:14:01] Tali: A learning experience? Is that what you're calling it?
[22:14:13] Garrus: Sure. I don't see why not. If you can get along with a geth, then anything's possible.
[22:14:20] Tali: That remains to be seen.
[22:14:34] Wrex: If Tali can handle a geth, I can deal with Dr. Mordin
[22:14:50] Mordin: Yes… Hopefully so. Wouldn't mind getting to know krogan as friend. New concept.
[22:15:02] Zaeed: What about Jack? You plan on inviting her once she wakes up? Or are you too scared?
[22:15:22] Garrus: That depends on her… I want to bring Jack along. But if she's not open to it, there's nothing we can do. As of right now, I can't see her joining us.
[22:15:38] Wrex: The alpha female is here. Like you said, anything is possible
[22:15:44] Garrus: Huh?
[22:15:47] Tali: Wrex, what are you talking about?
[22:15:47] Zaeed: Who the fuck's the alpha female?
[22:15:53] Joker: OH, I get it. Dude, that's hilarious!
[22:16:00] Tali: Then please explain for the rest of us.
[22:16:10] EDI: I believe he means Miranda is the alpha female.
[22:16:19] Garrus: That's true. No wonder.
[22:16:21] Zaeed: Yeah, I see it now. Gotta agree. Brilliant stuff.
[22:16:30] Wrex: Hello Miranda it's nice to meet you finally, how are you
[22:16:52] Me: Hello, Wrex. The feeling is mutual. I'm doing well enough, thank you.
[22:17:00] Wrex: You saved our team. I'm happy for that
[22:17:10] Joker: Man, Wrex. You're a miracle worker. Thanks for breaking the ice.
[22:17:21] Garrus: You're the one who made things awkward by making that bet with Zaeed.
[22:17:40] Zaeed: And you're cracking me the hell up. Aren't you two in the same place with Tali on her quarian ship? Why are you in here typing to each other?
[22:17:57] Joker: Come on, Zaeed. We're just chilling in Tali's room right now. Kind of having another conversation. Doesn't mean we can't multitask and talk to you guys at the same time.
[22:18:12] Zaeed: Well ain't that sweet. You having a sleepover, too?
[22:18:30] Garrus: We are, actually. At this rate, we'll be up all night talking instead of sleeping.
[22:18:40] Wrex: I'm sad I wasn't invited
[22:18:49] Joker: Sorry, bud. We'll tell the Migrant Fleet to stop by Tuchanka next time.
[22:19:03] Zaeed: So what're you three talking about? Might as well share with the group while you're at it. Get Wrex in on the conversation.
[22:19:20] Joker: Uhh… Stuff?
[22:19:27] Garrus: Yeah. Stuff.
[22:19:54] Zaeed: She live there with her Dad? What's he think of Tali having two men in her room for a sleepover? If I was him, I'd be losing my mind right about now. Wouldn't have allowed it in the first place.
[22:20:11] Joker: Uh, yeah, about that…
[22:20:15] Garrus: Well, Zaeed…
[22:20:16] Tali: I'm gay.
[22:20:30] Zaeed: Oh, shit. My bad.
[22:20:35] Wrex: AHAHAHA I love you Tali
[22:20:40] EDI: Regardless of Tali's sexual orientation, Zaeed appears to be infantilizing her.
[22:20:58] Zaeed: Huh? Is that what I'm doing?
[22:21:18] Tali: You are. I don't appreciate it. It shouldn't matter how young I am compared to you. We're all on this team for a reason.
[22:21:30] Zaeed: Yeah, sure. But how the fuck am I infantilizing you? I don't get it.
[22:21:56] Tali: You keep dismissing me and calling me 'girl'. Then again, it's bad enough that I have to explain this myself. If you can't see the problem on your own, that says a lot about you. I have to wonder who the real child is among us.
[22:22:05] Joker: Ouch!
[22:22:07] Garrus: "Tell us how you really feel."
[22:22:15] Zaeed: Jesus Christ, girl. No one's fucking infantilizing you. If you're gonna talk shit like this, then I'll keep my goddamn distance. I don't need another repeat of Lawson up my ass again.
[22:22:23] Joker: What the hell, Zaeed? You did it again!
[22:22:28] Wrex: You're making a big mistake
[22:22:34] Garrus: Should we tell him?
[22:22:59] Zaeed: No, don't tell me a damn thing. You cliquey motherfuckers get on my last nerve. I can't call the girl 'girl', but you're obviously treating her like some golden child. You ever think that's why I'm dismissing her or whatever the fuck you accused me of? I hate special treatment. It ain't personal.
[22:23:15] Joker: Dude, look, now's not a good time for this. Tali's going through it right now.
[22:23:30] Zaeed: The hell do I care about that? You're doing the same shit again, too. Stop protecting her for fuck's sake. Let the princess speak for herself if she's so fucking grown!
[22:23:43] Wrex: Keep it up and this old dinosaur will find you and destroy you
[22:23:59] Zaeed: Do I look like I'm scared of a damn krogan? I started the Blue Suns back in the day! We took out you giant fucks in the Blood Pack left and right like it was child's play! See what I did there?
[22:24:02] Tali: Wrex, leave it alone. Let the drama queen keep going with his temper tantrum. I'm more entertained than anything. It's fine.
[22:24:18] Mordin: Perhaps not wise to continue escalating. Word could get out to Shepard somehow. Possible that Zaeed may end up thrown from airlock as result. Same as previous members of crew.
[22:24:30] Zaeed: Is that how it is? Someone's gonna break the rules and tell on me to Shepard? We really playing that schoolyard shit, running to the teacher in the middle of a fight?
[22:25:11] Garrus: This isn't some school thing. Shepard cares about Tali a lot. We were all on the same team. We've gone through so much together. You need to understand that. Otherwise, this could end badly. I'm not saying that as a threat. You've seen what Shepard's capable of. It's just how it is. Now why don't we wrap this up before things get out of hand?
[22:25:33] Zaeed: No way. This is some underhanded shit. Tali takes a couple of potshots at me, I get pissed, then you all pile up on me for standing my ground. But you know what? I'm gonna let it go. I see what's going on here. This ain't about me. She's definitely going through it, all right.
[22:25:41] Joker: Thanks for listening?
[22:25:45] EDI: I don't believe you're being honest, Zaeed. You are holding something back. The first half of your message contradicts the second half.
[22:25:54] Wrex: Look at EDI stirring the pot
[22:26:01] Joker: Oh, jeez… You just couldn't leave it alone, could you?
[22:26:11] Zaeed: I know when to shoot my shot and when to hold it. I'm choosing to hold it.
[22:26:34] Tali: You really think you're holding some type of leverage over me?
[22:26:55] Zaeed: It's not leverage. It's the cold, hard truth. Plain as day now that I'm looking closer.
[22:27:10] Tali: Go on, then. Say whatever it is you feel you've discovered about me. I want to know.
[22:27:24] Zaeed: I'll pass. I already told you I ain't saying shit else about this. Let bygones be bygones.
[22:27:38] Legion: Your insincerity is perceptible.
[22:27:50] Wrex: The synthetics keep on going, huh
[22:28:03] Joker: And that's our cue to leave. We're gonna bow out for now, guys.
[22:28:15] Garrus: Right. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. Better to have it out offline.
Everyone more or less allowed the conversation to end on that note. Only a few other responses followed afterward: polite messages wishing the group a good night, from all but Tali and Zaeed. And then silence.
I had the worst feeling about Zaeed's clairvoyance: the cold, hard truth he'd discovered about Tali.
He could have made things worse throughout that discussion. A lot worse. And yet he'd chosen not to.
Had he continued, I would've had no choice but to ban him from the chat. Standing up for Tali that way.
I felt an odd swell of respect for Zaeed now, for his restraint. Even though he was the aggressive wrench in the group's otherwise innocent vibe. I did see which path he had been on, in how close he had been to reading Tali's obvious giveaways. How that infantilizing—on purpose or otherwise—had clearly hit a nerve with her. Her telling silence after Wrex had called me the alpha female. And how Tali apparently wasn't in the best place tonight. Had Zaeed been honest and upfront, scathing, he could have possibly destroyed her spirit as a result.
Hopefully, this situation would resolve itself somehow. Over time, or more directly. Whichever.
If I stayed awake, I already knew I would end up fretting all night. Fretting over Shepard. Fretting over my growing impatience for her to wake up already. Fretting more over the unavoidable—that I wouldn't have the best reaction once she did finally come to. I knew I would be angry at her. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold that back.
It would've been so much simpler to just…show her this vulnerability of mine.
Covering it up with my temper wouldn't do either of us any favors.
But I needed Shepard to know that I was serious about this.
Even so, I couldn't resist this temptation now—touching her face, I studied her anew. That scar had settled over her left brow, as a thin gap of hair running diagonally through her skin. Nothing monstrous at all, or disfiguring. I found it attractive, really. And I felt a stronger temptation to whisper something to her. Something specific. Those three words…even though she couldn't hear me. Specifically because she couldn't hear me. The sentiment remained stuck in my throat. Unable to leave.
I kissed her anyway. Tasting this sterile cleanliness that had overtaken her skin, from Dr. Chakwas having sanitized away the remnants of that blood over her face. Shepard gave me this same fluttering feeling all the same. Sleep or no sleep, coma or not, I still felt this heated expanse deep inside of me. All from the way her lips felt: this perfect suppleness of her shape, full and inviting. All for me.
I fell asleep with this feeling, holding me tight.
Holding me as I wished she could have. As she should have—my demands and expectations soaring.
I couldn't go another night without her hands on me.
Vague dreams followed me in my sleep through the night.
In the one I remembered most clearly, I was at Shepard's apartment. Feeling like it really was my home with her. At the same time, I also felt like I wasn't supposed to be there. At least, not in this context.
Not in the way I approached Shepard's room—intending to find her within. Not in the way I felt, in this shape of my anticipation, anticipating her shaped in me. Certainly not with this subtext of pacing around our unspoken wants. Patience and impatience tying around us, taut and tauter as I'd found her in her room. Standing tall somewhere, facing away from me, wearing only a pair of sweatpants. The shine of her skin found me in this lighting, her back to me; her hair falling down that length in such a brooding excellence, even as Shepard had her head canted downward, and her hand upon the wall. Thinking in that pensive state, that thoughtful mode. Listening to my own approach—as I wasn't supposed to do, wasn't supposed to be here, doing this to her. Lusting after her like this. Running my hand across her shoulders, admiring the pure moisture of her skin, perfectly sunned and bronzed as the sun of my life.
That finally feeling, I remembered full form. Finally glossing my hands down her lean back, muscled just so. And those shoulder blades, defining her sharp form in elegance. Finally making myself clear, whether we were supposed to be doing this or not—I could feel the promise of her release, all natural for me. Reaching around to her front, I absolutely felt it. How she wanted me. How she craved me. How she couldn't keep denying it, now that I was here. And so she took my touches as permission, for us to give in to this moment, and to keep it quiet with everyone else afterward. This was only about us, after all.
When I awoke sometime in the morning, still lying with my head over Shepard's chest, I found my frustration with that vagueness. The actual visuals from the rest of my dream had escaped from my memory, like water slipping from my fingers. The more I tried to remember, the more it all fell away from me. But I could never forget how that dream had made me feel. Even now, I felt those remnants of Shepard's touch, of the way she'd held my body as she stayed on top of me. That divine quality to her hold, to her regard of me—and what she'd given me over and over, right in that bed. Right in the middle of that subtext. That private, subtle meaning behind what we should or should not have done with one another, and doing it anyway. Rushing or not, it couldn't matter. I was perfectly ready for her—today.
But I wasn't ready at all for the reality of this morning.
This feeling of Shepard's arms around me. As if she had somehow moved herself that way as I'd slept.
And when I looked up at her, I found her looking back down at me in such a wide-eyed softness.
"Shepard!"
Without thinking, I threw my arms around her neck, holding her tighter. Caught up in my emotions like this, holding my sudden tears back like this. Eternally happy to see her again. Glad that she was awake—that she was all right. As Shepard tightened her own hold around me, I felt my vulnerabilities slipping. This warmth from my eyes fell right down, spreading over the fabric of her stealth suit. Water over black, indiscernible to my eyes, but still wet all the same. Enough for her to use the pads of her fingers to stroke this shine away from the corner of my eye, from the side of my face nearest to her. Gently so.
But just as I was about to calm myself, I felt Shepard's lips over my head. This heated warmth of her breaths as she exhaled me, kissing me there in such an impassioned tenderness, all at once…she threw me right back into this wave. This wave of needing her like this, and letting her absorb me in her arms like this, as if she never wanted to let go. Shepard had found the full strength of her body again, holding me with this awareness of her limbs. Feeling this for myself, her protectiveness shined all too clearly in her hold. Steadfast for however long she kept me here like this. Dependable as I had missed from her.
Here was the reliability she should have given me during the last mission.
"Damnit, Shepard!" I scorned, pushing myself off from her. Noticing that Jack was still asleep, I struggled to keep my voice down—"Do you have any idea how worried I've been!? What I've had to deal with while you were out like that? You could have died, for God's sake!"
Far too docile and child-like, Shepard gave me an apologetic look, deep in her sentimentality for me.
I removed myself from the bed, standing anew. Standing to pace around. Standing to get away from her and stay close to her, all at the same time. Not once did Shepard shirk her gaze away from me, even with that same, frustratingly adorable look on her face. My own frustrations were about to boil over—until I remembered that this wasn't supposed to be about me. Not like that. Even as much as Shepard fueled my ego in her complete reverence for me, at all times, no matter what…I had to set that aside.
Checking the time, I saw that it was nearly 8:00am. I sent Dr. Chakwas an email, letting her know that Shepard was awake—and that Jack had shifted to her side, so she was likely just asleep by now.
Returning my attention to Shepard, I changed my own regard of her. Not my expression. Not my anger. Yet in this dimmed lighting of the room, I could at least spot this sheen of sweat that had perspired over her face. That moisture glimmered brightest right along her new scar over her brow, reminding me again of what had happened. What she had done. What she had chosen to do for me, pointlessly so.
Even with my glove in the way, I was still able to feel with my hand—"You're burning up." Using my omni-tool, I scanned her diagnostics. My concern brimmed more, turning into sharpness: "And it looks like you're dehydrated. Not just from the past few days." I went to retrieve a chilled cup of water, knowing I was nagging at her, but still doing it anyway—"Shepard, just because you only need to eat once a day from now on, you still need to drink enough water. I know you have plenty in your refrigerator in your room. That's why I put those bottles of water in there for you. Please drink them."
"Okay," she said, sitting up on her own. Facing me, her long legs nearly reached the floor. "I will… Sorry."
I was about to scold her more for moving without permission. Acting like she was perfectly fine already.
I caught myself, handing her this water instead.
Shepard drank from the cup. Still looking at me. Still apologizing more with her eyes.
For the sake of doing something, I activated my omni-tool again, changing the settings. Plenty of people had various attachments programmed to their omni-tools, to change this orange into a usable item or tool. Usually weapons for combat, such as a short blade. But throughout the Lazarus Project, I'd found that I needed this particular attachment programmed to my omni-tool instead. I brought it out now:
A brush, with the bristles perfectly tailored to Shepard's hair type. Not too thick, not too harsh. Just smooth enough to gently untangle any hidden knots in her hair, while maintaining that beautiful shimmer and shine, warmer than the sun.
Holding the back of the brush head right in the palm of my hand, I reached around her shoulders to do this. Brushing out this golden brown of her hair after she had been out for so long. Mixed colors of these strands, of blonde highlights of varying shades brightening the browns everywhere, just as varied. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as Shepard continued to drink her water. Even as I breathed harder next to her face—in my diligence to do this for her, in my anger—she stayed calm. I found some of my own calm from observing her. From knowing that this hydration had found her, and would help her in due time. Every time she drank from that cup, she calmed me more, reassuring. Reminding me that she was here.
Yet even so, I couldn't help these other reminders.
Doing this for her while she lay on that operating table. Unable to wake. Unable to fully sense me.
Brushing out her beautiful hair while she had been clinically brain dead.
Those memories slowed me. Slowing to this halt. I didn't mean to drape my arms over her shoulders in this pause. I only realized my desperation once I felt Shepard's hands on me again. Holding my waist like this. Reaching up my back to press me closer to her, falling into her. The way she owned my curves, inspiring this arch in me, despite my temper, my mood—she knew it was mostly a front, an act. A mask.
"Miranda," she whispered in my ear, too sensual in meaning. "I'm sorry I worried you—"
"—I don't want to hear it," I hissed back.
Undeterred, Shepard embraced me, protecting me all the way down. "Babe, please…"
I hated that she could still make me melt at a time like this—"Don't babe me!"
She should have let me go. She should have given in to me pushing against her shoulders. But she didn't.
"Are you holding a grudge?"
"Of course I am," I snapped. "I could've handled that! Did you not hear Jack say she wasn't going to kill me? I would have been fine! You, on the other hand, know better than to do what you did. Everyone knows you're a glass cannon, and you just proved why! I didn't need you to sacrifice yourself for me!"
"I couldn't let anything happen to you…"
"Goddamnit, Shepard, I'm not some porcelain doll you need to protect at all costs! If anything, it's clearly the other way around. So don't patronize me with that!"
Shepard knew what this was really about.
Repeating this trauma was…unbearable for me.
Repeating it with the team looking to me as their only leader, worrying about me…I couldn't stand it.
Shepard knew this was about my pride—yet she kissed me anyway, smooth in her prideless care for me.
She would have let me yell and scream at her for hours, for days, not caring who heard or who saw. Whatever I needed. Whatever I had to do to get this out. All the while, she wouldn't have taken it personally. Not like that. Not at all. Not in this sense, in the way Shepard held me close with this same doting devotion that I needed from her, and had always needed from her. This embrace of her lips shaped as such luscious wonders, from her tilting into me, and this unyielding power of her arms embracing me more, more so, and far more: I couldn't escape her. I never could. Impossibly light and feathered and more, and more again, I lost track of when I'd closed my eyes, forgetting about this rage.
Masterful in her passions for me, brimming stronger than they had the other day, Shepard had me.
She had me down to this palpable feel of her tongue over mine, thickness of her taste rolling into mine.
She had me deep as this arch over my back, from how I'd let her pull me into her, needing and needing.
Shepard had me deeper, with this sound of her voice reverberating through my mouth: "I want you, Miranda. I can't stop thinking about you. Dreaming about you. You're everywhere for me." Feebly, I tried to push away from her, to no avail. She gripped me tighter, imploring—"I have to know you. Everything about you. Everything about the woman you are. I can't help myself around you anymore. I just can't." Reaching down my thighs, down my legs, as if reaching down to my boots; she nearly sent me into cardiac arrest once she said: "I need to be inside of you. All the way, to make love to you soon."
"Shepard," I breathed, writhing in her arms. "That isn't fair…"
Fairness or not, she kept her lips to mine. Moving into me; making me moan in ways I shouldn't have.
This gift of her softness over mine, and this gentle control weaving through her touch—it all felt too good to be true.
Reality returned to me, to us both, once we heard the sounds of the med bay's door opening.
In walked Dr. Chakwas, getting a good look at Shepard holding me like this, making out with me like this.
I barely remembered to pull away, hurrying to do so. I escaped Shepard's reach, to keep her from entangling me again. And I folded my arms upon Dr. Chakwas' approach, looking away from her amused expression. She could tell that Shepard and I were in the middle of an argument. For obvious reasons.
Dr. Chakwas chose to remain quiet while she performed a scan of her own, tending to Shepard now.
Remembering my professionalism, I changed the subject—"Tali is here. On the Rayya, anyway. She had a sleepover with Joker and Garrus last night. I imagine they're all still there at her home. And it looks like Jack is doing all right now. You should gather everyone in the comm room for the proper introductions. Whenever you're ready, let me know, and I'll inform the team all at once. Please just send me an email."
Shepard got the hint well enough, yet she still sounded so…enamored with me: "I'll do that, then."
I realized how horribly selfish and critical I had been. Acting out in my anger. I shouldn't have done that.
"At any rate…I'm glad you're all right."
I wanted to say the rest of the words in my heart. The simple, obvious words. I had missed her. So much.
I'd hated seeing her in that type of pain. I couldn't take it for another day longer.
She knew what I wouldn't say. "Thanks for handling everything. I knew I could count on you."
And how bittersweet that was.
"I'll see you later, Commander," I declared, leaving the med bay.
"Bye, babe…"
Of course she made me yearn for her all over again, even with this temper of mine still burning me up.
Speaking of tempers—I noticed another one, from someone else sitting all by himself in the mess hall:
Zaeed sat there at the table, having an…interesting breakfast. He stuffed some plain old rations into his mouth, washing them down with a bottle of water. Even though we had more than enough meals to prepare in the kitchen by now, what with Shepard's insistence on a proper budget for actual food. I was grateful to not have to bother with those military rations, and yet here was Zaeed, willfully eating that poor excuse for a meal, instead of finding something better to start his day with.
Even still, this rough quickness about his motions suggested he wasn't over that fight from last night.
I approached him anyway, keeping the tease out of my voice, "Well, good morning to you, Zaeed."
Zaeed cast me a cold glance. "'Morning, Lawson. You here to eat something? Or poke fun at me?"
"No one's here to poke fun. And I'm not particularly hungry. I'm only wondering why you're here."
"By myself."
"Obviously."
"You can put two and two together. Don't need me to spell it out for you. You're smarter than that."
Zaeed went back to stuffing his face. He attempted to ignore me, hoping I would merely go away.
And I could have just left him alone. I was of the mind to go to the comm room, and speak with the Illusive Man. I had been avoiding him. Even though he had messaged me a number of times during my depressive episodes, asking for a debriefing on the last mission. I knew he understood why I'd chosen to not respond. I needed to go ahead and call the Illusive Man now, today. Getting this over with already.
For the moment, I chose to sit down across from Zaeed at the table.
He grumbled under his breath. Nothing coherent. Just enough to bother me. That, on top of how…scarce his manners were—it made me want to leave. But I kept sitting here. Making up my mind.
First, I shared with him, "Shepard is awake. She's doing fine."
Something in Zaeed's eyes came back to life.
Yet he chose to diminish that feeling, simply grumbling out, "Good to know."
"We don't need to discuss what happened yesterday. I only wanted to thank you. For not unleashing what you had on Tali. It would've been disastrous. I understood completely what you meant."
Curious, Zaeed questioned me, "Did you, now? Then what did I mean?"
"You figured out why she was so sensitive last night."
He accepted that we were on the same page. "Sure I did. Snuffed it out easy. All those dead giveaways."
"I'm surprised you're so observant," I mentioned.
Zaeed snorted. "Wasn't just that. I read your big report twice over. Tali was in there plenty of times."
"And what did you conclude from all of this?"
"I concluded that the quarian's got a hell of a crush on our captain. Now that you're in the picture, she's probably been crying a river during her goddamn sleepover with the boys. The girl's a girl. She's a sweet old girl. Still innocent, no matter what shit she's gone through. Shepard would have fucking ruined her if they got together instead. She's way too young for a hardass like that. Hates the reminders, you know?"
"Remarkably accurate," I praised. "But it's…unfortunate how right you are. The others don't see it."
Zaeed wondered, "You think she'll try coming for your gig? Swipe Shepard from under your nose?"
"Never that, no. Besides, I trust Shepard to stay faithful to me."
"Then what's going on? Why do I get the sense that Tali's trying to play second-best to you? I got the coded ass message that Shepard likes her, too. In a different way, I guess. It ain't the same as with you."
"Tali does have her role to play," I justified. "As does any other woman who's jealous of me. I do think it's important that Shepard has these reminders. Just because she's with me, that won't erase the rest of her temptations. She still has to live with them. What matters is that she continues to put me first."
Zaeed sounded quite bitter in his wistfulness over the past, "Love's a choice, huh?"
"Yes…in that sense, it is."
He grunted his agreement, but otherwise remained quiet. Caught up in his thoughts about this.
I waited until a polite amount of time passed before standing up. "Something tells me I should leave you be for now. Thank you for having this talk with me, Zaeed. I'd appreciate it if we could keep this quiet."
"Yeah, I hear you," he promised. "I've got no reason to go around with this stuff. We're fine, Lawson."
"I'll hold you to that. Enjoy the rest of your meal."
As I left for the elevator, I took a discreet look around. Making sure that no one else was here; that no one had overheard anything. Thankfully, I didn't spot anyone anywhere. No unidentified members of the crew rushing off to the restrooms to run and hide from me. Nothing of the sort.
But as I headed up to the command deck, and then to the comm room, an idea occurred to me.
I used my omni-tool to bring up the dossiers for the team. One very specific dossier that I had been avoiding:
'A mechanical and engineering genius beyond her years, Tali'Zorah vas Neema nar Rayya is known as a quarian prodigy among her people. She possesses unmatched specialties in her knowledge of starships, engines, encryption, AI hacking, and her thrifty knack for reusing and improving any scavenged materials she finds out in the field. With battle specializations with pistols and shotguns, Tali'Zorah's ease with combat drones—and a host of other tech abilities—make her a true threat against synthetic enemies. Despite her chronic anxiety problems, Tali'Zorah is responsive and creative when following orders from a respected superior. She is not as successful as a leader herself, as she is unable to separate her emotions from the weight of such responsibilities. Her feelings will often take over in the heat of the moment.'
'As the only daughter of the widowed Chief Admiral Rael'Zorah, Tali'Zorah has had a number of expectations placed upon her from a young age. Though she was allowed to have friends, her father insisted that she value her studies—or else—which led to Tali'Zorah developing her chronic anxiety issues. In order to make up for Rael'Zorah's strict style of parenting, Tali'Zorah found her focus through a solitary love for engineering. Despite her status as a prodigy, Tali'Zorah was often viewed by other quarians as privileged, given her father's prominent place on the Admiralty Board. Their status allows them to have a traditional home—by normal galactic standards—compared to the congested shantytowns populating the civilian ships among the Migrant Fleet. Though she gained a great deal of respect after saving the Council under Lieutenant Williams' command, as well as completing her Pilgrimage to become a fully-fledged adult.'
'Tali'Zorah retains a number of psychological concerns, following the deaths of her beloved captain, Commander Shepard, and her best friend and confidant, Dr. Liara T'Soni. Severely, her suspicions behind Williams' betrayals have left Tali'Zorah even more distrustful of outsiders, as the tight-knit quarians are already wont to do. After the destruction of the SR-1, Tali'Zorah's traumas have forced her to remain in her father's care, living in her same childhood home with him aboard the Rayya. Though she is technically a crewmember of the Neema, this appears to be in name only, as an exception for her alone.'
'More important are Tali'Zorah's sensitivities surrounding her age, and her lack of autonomy at twenty-four years old. Infantilization from her peers—and her father—is merely one side of this pressure point. The most complex are the triggers linked to her unending romantic and sexual attraction toward Commander Shepard. It is unclear how Tali'Zorah is aware of this—but it would appear that the commander's initial rejection of her feelings were predicated upon their differences in age and experience. Tali'Zorah also seems to recognize the contradictions in the commander's reasoning. She possesses an unnatural clairvoyance into Commander Shepard's mutual feelings for her, viewing the sexual dynamic between them through that lens of age. It is possible that this prophetic knowledge helped Tali'Zorah weather the storm of her losses two years ago. Although she displays clear signs of co-dependence, it is still recommended to keep Commander Shepard near her as a protective figure—or something more intimate. Any perceived abandonment may end up destabilizing Tali'Zorah as a result.'
Even with the incomplete data I'd provided for Tali's dossier, this was accurate enough. Although, there really should have been more emphasis on these last two lines. They were the most important. Critical.
Plus, this was added confirmation that Shepard did indeed value Tali's innocence in that way. I'd already witnessed this for myself, seeing it within her mind firsthand. But reading it in writing like this…it made me reconsider my hard stance against keeping Tali away from Shepard. Maybe, just maybe, I could see myself indulging in their lust for one another. Watching them go at it. Seeing how Shepard behaved with her, unhinged with her. Learning a thing or two about my own submissiveness in the process.
Of course, I'd initially been resistant to anything like this. I'd forbidden Shepard from doing anything else with other women—if she was in a relationship with me. Technically, we weren't together. Not at this moment. In theory, she was free to do whatever she wanted with Tali. Yet somehow, thinking on it now, the thought didn't fill me with the terror and jealousy I'd expected. Instead, the thought of involving Tali with us felt more…humiliating, depending on the context. Given the things I'd hinted to Shepard so far, I found my new fascination with this. Wondering what it would have been like to expose myself to that feeling—of watching Shepard dominate another woman, completely absorbed in her.
After all, thinking on it now, I recalled my initial fascination with this. Taboo and depraved as it all was.
I had witnessed those memories from within Shepard's consciousness. The ones hovering near the edge of her unconscious thoughts, past my domain. Raw intelligence from Tali's genius had already bridged the gap of the eight-year age difference between them, sowing those seeds within Shepard's psyche. Such superior emotional intelligence—Tali could have awoken to her power over Shepard, wielding it as she pleased. Begging, so wanton. Purity and innocence wrapped up in the endearing, sultry tones of Tali's voice, and her innermost needs for Shepard to lose control with her, to possess her, to please her.
To this day, I still saw Shepard as that apex predator. As the older, more powerful dominant. And Tali was her willing prey, as the younger, more innocent submissive. Unlike me. Even though I wanted to be.
I had spent my entire adult life as a hard dominant, never exploring my hidden desires as a switch.
I potentially had a lot to learn from Tali with this. So that helped me to not worry too much. Somewhat.
It would simply come down to whether I trusted Shepard to keep me as her main priority. To not leave me.
I'd have to observe her first. Shepard and Tali both. Then decide.
I kept all of this in mind as I entered the comm room.
Pulling up the QEC, I called the Illusive Man. He answered straightaway. Inviting me to his grand space.
A glass of bourbon in his hand this time, those ice cubes clinked along the glass as he drank. Narrowed eyes observing me in a non-accusing scrutiny—the Illusive Man appeared neither pleased nor displeased with me. Somewhere in the middle, understanding in his ambivalence, he brought up the obvious:
"Miranda. I wasn't sure when you would decide to call me. You've been ignoring my emails."
"I apologize, Sir," I stated. "It's been difficult since we returned from the Purgatory ship. I don't mean that as an excuse. Simply as a fact."
"Apparently so. I had to get EDI to tell me the details instead. I'd still like to hear your side of the story."
"Well, when Subject Zero escaped from cryo, she wasn't exactly pleased to find us. Shepard attempted to talk her down. She was effective—until Jack noticed my uniform. She despises Cerberus, as you're aware of. Jack lashed out and threatened to harm me. Shepard took the hit from her biotic charge in my stead…to protect me. I'm certain you can imagine the damage that did to someone with her specific weaknesses. I retaliated against Subject Zero, only stopping once Shepard ordered me to. I concluded the negotiations with Jack and successfully brought her aboard, even though she and Shepard were severely injured. The two of them have barely awoken from their respective comas this morning."
"And you were indisposed throughout this time. Upset. Neglecting your work."
"Yes…I was."
Admitting my faults, I expected him to scold me. Reprimand me. Perhaps even discipline me as a result.
Yet he merely said, "I see. We'll treat the past few days as unannounced vacation time. No harm done."
I didn't understand. "Sir…?"
"You're doing just fine now. Aren't you?"
"That's correct. Shepard will be back on her feet soon enough. I can think clearly again."
"Then there's no harm done," he repeated. The Illusive Man drank again, oddly at ease. "Let's move on."
This was all very strange, but I was in no place to question him further. "If you insist…"
The Illusive Man continued the debriefing, "It's unfortunate that Warden Kuril chose to betray us in such an underhanded way. I've sent our legal representatives to deal with the mess from our now-pointless payment to purchase Subject Zero—and that petty attempt to steal the commander away from us. If all else fails, we'll simply have to retaliate against the Blue Suns—or whatever's left of the warden's chain of command back on Palaven. But it's nothing for you to worry about. I'll deal with this as necessary."
"Understood," I replied.
"More importantly, there's another main mission in the works, involving the Collectors. I expect this new opportunity will present itself within the next week or so—much sooner than I'd originally anticipated. The Collectors appear to be obsessed with any and all links to Shepard, including her former teammates. Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko is currently stationed out on Horizon, a human colony in the Terminus Systems. I believe the Collectors may decide to target that particular colony next, knowing that Alenko is there. I'm still waiting on the proof I need to verify my suspicions. I'll keep you updated."
"Of course. Shepard will need some time to recover. I'd like her to relax as much as possible for now."
"I can agree with that," said the Illusive Man. "Though I do wonder about Horizon. The commander will no doubt be tempted to recruit Alenko during the mission. If he isn't abducted by the Collectors, that is. He won't be pleased to see Shepard with Cerberus, or with you. You'll need to be prepared for that."
"Yes, that's true. Despite all that's happened, I trust that Shepard will be able to convince him to join. Alenko may have heard about her involvement with us by now. I'm confident that she'll be able to persuade him regardless. It should help to have another Alliance soldier with us. For familiarity's sake."
The Illusive Man then went off on an unexpected tangent, "And what about you, Miranda? Are you confident in how much you trust Shepard? Or are you concerned about the quarian?"
I should've known he'd watched my conversation with Zaeed through the surveillance feeds.
Clearly, there was no point in skirting around the issue, or feigning ignorance. He wouldn't buy it.
So I told him, "I am confident in this as well. But I won't lie. I made the mistake of underestimating Tali before. I do hope that she'll choose to take a more amicable approach to our situation. Whatever she decides, I won't risk any repeats of the past. That's over and done with. I'd like to get along with her. As far as Shepard is concerned, I respect Tali's power and influence. She does hold certain advantages."
"Based on her interactions with you in the med bay, it would appear that she's aware of her power. Tali'Zorah doesn't behave as the troubled soul bogged down by unrequited affections. She harbored too many regrets in the past, in not expressing herself. After so much loss, this is her chance to be fully honest with Shepard. Now is her time to act. Don't you agree?"
Speechless and swordless, I locked up over the obvious truth. From everything flying right over my head.
I was compromised.
My fascinations and possible allowances had just barely primed me for the Illusive Man's warnings:
"Miranda, let's not mince words. While I don't believe Tali'Zorah is an outright threat to your relationship, there is something transpiring beneath the surface. She knows that you're Shepard's protector. She knows that she cannot risk breaking the two of you up—otherwise, the consequences will be severe. The problem lies with your ties to Cerberus. Naturally, Tali'Zorah doesn't trust you. Her opinion of you carries significant weight in Shepard's view. So, it is highly likely that you'll find yourself entering into a negotiation with her. One where you won't quite have the upper-hand. She will instead."
Even when I found my voice again, I barely recognized myself—"Yes…that's true. It's very true, actually."
"I hope you understand what this means."
It bothered me more that he understood. "Of course, Sir. I'll…take the time to think it over. To prepare."
"Good," accepted the Illusive Man. "I'm glad that we were able to have this discussion today. Sooner rather than later. At least, before Shepard inevitably visits Tali'Zorah's home on the Flotilla. Her father, Chief Admiral Rael'Zorah, may be in-the-know. Or he could suspect what's going on. I was able to confirm that the father and daughter did in fact have a falling-out last year over the matter of Tali'Zorah's sexual orientation. I can speculate that he's come around to accepting her truth by now. If she has his approval to have Shepard in any capacity, then this will only embolden her. Doubly so if Joker and Garrus Vakarian are in on this. Possibly Urdnot Wrex as well."
"I appreciate your insight, Sir," I expressed. "I've sadly been too distracted to consider all of this. And I suppose you should know…that I initially forbade Shepard from getting involved with anyone else. When I made those stipulations, I wasn't thinking about the bigger picture. Or this obvious, glaring problem."
"That's understandable," he sympathized. "Once again, there's no harm done. I don't want you to worry about this, Miranda. Because you're certainly right about the past—it is over and done with. Tali'Zorah is intelligent enough to not provoke any repeats of that massacre. As are you. If she can accept being Shepard's second priority, with you as the clear first, then the three of you will be just fine. I believe she can."
"You sound oddly confident in your assessment of what she'd allow. Do you have proof about this?"
The Illusive Man insisted, "I'll get to that in a moment. For now, we need to squash this Cerberus issue with Tali'Zorah. As much as we can, at least. The quarian people typically distrust outsiders as it is. And they have a wholly negative view of our organization. I'm sure you know why."
"Yes, of course," I soured. "Our former operative Paul Grayson didn't do us any favors with the stunt he pulled with the Migrant Fleet not too long ago. He nearly blew up the Idenna in search of his biotic daughter, Gillian. He did make some amends in turning over the information to disarm the bomb before it went off. Hundreds of civilians could've died. It's a miracle that Kahlee Sanders from the Alliance was able to win the quarians over. Otherwise, they may have come to despise all humans instead of just Cerberus."
"I'm glad to see you remember the particulars of that troubling report. As an olive branch, I'll send Shepard the classified details of what happened. I'll also encourage her to share this with Tali'Zorah and her father. Losing track of Grayson after the incident was an embarrassment for us—we won't be able to hide that. But the trade-off will be worth the gains in the end. We need Tali'Zorah on our side."
"I doubt she'll ever fully trust us—but this should be a fine olive branch, as you said."
"It's my hope that this will go a long way in smoothing over your upcoming negotiations with her. Let's not forget that she is also present within Shepard's mind. Her influence—even if it isn't as powerful as yours—should be a net positive. Perhaps Tali'Zorah's sway over Shepard will act as that backup plan you anguished over before. You were convinced that there was no safety net, should you somehow run afoul of Shepard's needs in the future. Something tells me that this is the answer you were looking for."
Lessening Shepard's possible ire and rage.
Keeping the worst from happening.
A backup plan. A safety net.
That did alleviate my worst issues with this plan… But I still didn't want to provoke Shepard all the same.
"That makes sense," I responded. "Thank you for pointing it out to me."
"Before you depart, I'd like to point out one final thing. Or rather, I'll send you an email with what I've discovered. You noticed how confident I was about Tali'Zorah's willingness to play second-best to you. I was finally able to uncover a critical conversation between her and Dr. T'Soni. The two of them exchanged private messages with one another during Shepard's thirtieth birthday, while the team were on Thessia for shore leave. This was only the beginning of their discussion. But it fills in the gaps and questions we had surrounding Tali'Zorah's knowledge about Shepard. You'll need to read this carefully."
"Understood, Sir. I'd never been able to reveal any of Tali's private exchanges through the team's old chat room. She covered her tracks a little too well for me to handle. At any rate, I'll read it as soon as you send it over. Carefully, as you said. Thank you again."
"It's already sent," said the Illusive Man, as I received the alert to my omni-tool. "I'll let you go over this on your own. We'll talk again before Horizon next week. I'd like to brief you and Shepard both at that time."
"Of course. We'll speak then."
As soon as the QEC call dissolved, bringing me back to the normalcy of the comm room, I pulled up my omni-tool. I brought up my email with a quickness. Finding the Illusive Man's message. He'd cryptically chosen not to include anything in the body of his email. Just the subject line about Knowledge.
I opened the attachment he sent—the logs of that conversation between Tali and Liara.
While I leaned against the center table, I soon found myself absorbed in their historical exchange on Thessia two and a half years ago:
[12:03:04] Tali: Liara.
[12:05:44] Liara: Yes, Tali?
[12:06:02] Tali: Where are you? I haven't seen you since yesterday when we left the ship together. Since we arrived at your mother's house. You left me all alone. My anxiety is flaring up again.
[12:07:22] Liara: I am sorry for disappearing. I did not mean to worry you. I'm still handling a few affairs with my mother's estate. Benezia left me far more than I could have ever imagined… I will tell you about it later. Why are you anxious? Is something the matter?
[12:08:31] Tali: I'm at the house, sitting by myself in one of the living rooms. Kaidan, Garrus, Joker, and Wrex are on the other side, laughing about guy things. They can't even tell that I'm miserable.
[12:09:20] Liara: Why are you miserable? What's wrong? Please, tell me everything.
[12:10:00] Tali: Shepard and Ashley have finally stopped pretending. They're out in the open now.
[12:10:51] Liara: Oh…yes. Yes, that. I am aware. I figured it was only a matter of time.
[12:11:21] Tali: So did I. But I've never heard Shepard laugh the way she did. She sounds happy. I hate it.
[12:12:14] Liara: Tali, you know as well as I do that they won't last for long.
[12:14:02] Tali: Yes, I know, I know. We've had the same conversation over and over. They won't last. It will all burn out. Ashley is a liar and I shouldn't trust her. She lied to my face all this time about not chasing after Shepard, so who is to say that she won't lie about far more? I just can't let myself brood over that right now. There's something else on my mind. Something more important.
[12:14:44] Liara: Okay, then. I am glad that you are realistic about this. What else is on your mind?
[12:15:02] Tali: You know everything about Shepard. Don't you?
[12:15:30] Liara: Yes…why?
[12:15:58] Tali: Then you know what I want to know.
[12:16:04] Liara: …
[12:17:40] Tali: Please, Liara. You're already aware that I spoke with her yesterday. You must know what we discussed. I'm happy that she and I are actually friends now. But I noticed something unusual about her. I need you to confirm if I'm right or not. I'm begging you. Shepard and Ashley are in the bigger living room playing video games together. This is going to drive me insane. I understand that you'd be betraying a lot by sharing this information with me. I promise you that I won't tell anyone. Ever.
[12:18:04] Liara: Very well, Tali… I trust you to keep this as our secret. What would you like to know?
[12:18:30] Tali: Is Shepard attracted to me or not? Does she want to have sex with me?
[12:18:59] Liara: Yes, with or without your suit. It is not an issue. Your voice and your personality are incredibly sexy to her. From the photograph you gave to me, your physical beauty will be a strong bonus.
[12:19:17] Tali: Well, that's good to know… Quite the ego boost, too. How much does she want me?
[12:19:40] Liara: Far more than she is consciously aware of. Aside from what I just mentioned.
[12:20:02] Tali: Then what else is she aware of? What's stopping her from taking me? Is it only Ashley?
[12:21:39] Liara: Shepard admires your intelligence above all. From what I have gathered, your genius and expertise diminish the otherwise awkward matter of the eight year age difference between the two of you. Your raw vulnerability is also a clear draw, as brave as you have always been to embrace her, no matter her outward mood. Your innocence and submissiveness entice her greatly as well. Unfortunately, Shepard has chosen to temper her desires. The same qualities she needs in you seem to be pushing her away. She feels that you are far too precious for someone like her. She is deeply afraid of hurting you.
[12:22:12] Tali: Wait a minute… Need? She needs me?!
[12:22:45] Liara: Once again, Tali, she is not conscious of what's going on here.
[12:23:04] Tali: I know how Shepard needs you. Is there anything in Ashley that she needs? Like this.
[12:23:46] Liara: Not remotely, no. Ashley cannot offer her the same extremes that you do. The polarity simply isn't there. If anything, Ashley is stubborn enough to continue validating Shepard's existence. Yet their habit of butting heads with one another is bound to be the end of them. It is not so with you.
[12:24:05] Tali: Then if that's the case, why hide this? What could she possibly hurt me with?
[12:24:30] Liara: Shepard is vaguely aware that she would be your first.
[12:24:41] Tali: For a reason!
[12:25:01] Liara: Trust me, I know.
[12:25:30] Tali: What, does she think that I need some delicate prince charming to sweep me off my feet? That I should have a 'normal' experience first? With someone who's too weak to ever hurt me at all?
[12:25:55] Liara: Perhaps not in so many words. But, yes, I would agree with you.
[12:26:29] Tali: So what you're saying is that she's coddling me. Babysitting me. Treating me like some little girl she has to protect. Just like everyone else does. Is that it?
[12:27:01] Liara: Sadly, yes… I'm sorry.
[12:27:57] Tali: Keelah, this is infuriating! What the hell does it matter if I'm a virgin? If she admires my intelligence this much, why can't she accept that I'm not a little girl anymore?! It's not even about having a real relationship! I would be perfectly content with the two of you being together like that instead. All I want is for Shepard to be honest with herself, especially when her girlfriend is such a liar. She could never have me at all and I wouldn't fight it—as long as she wasn't in denial. Why is she making this so difficult?
[12:28:40] Liara: Tali, she has made a habit out of running away from things. Running away from any thoughts or emotions that are too much for her to face. You know this about her as well. I cannot say that Shepard will ever change her thinking on her own.
[12:29:06] Tali: Believe me, I'm tempted to just seduce her already. I understand that it would be a mistake. It isn't my place to start drama about this. I know that I will have to manage somehow. Eventually. But right now, I want more details.
[12:29:30] Liara: Then tell me what else you would like to know. Anything to keep you from making that mistake. I don't want you to possibly make yourself a target for Ashley's wrath. You must stay out of this.
[12:29:54] Tali: I see the same, Liara. I really do. I will stay out of it. I just need to know…the possibilities.
[12:30:13] Liara: You mean what the sex would be like between the two of you.
[12:30:20] Tali: Yes, that. Please…
[12:30:58] Liara: Well, maybe we should discuss this in-person. I will return home soon. Wherever Shepard would like us to go tonight for her birthday, we can continue talking about this while we're there. Although, I already know that you will ask me for something else. To hold you over.
[12:31:14] Tali: You're my best friend for a reason. You know me.
[12:31:40] Liara: Of course, Tali. Perhaps some positive thinking will help as well. For the future.
[12:32:03] Tali: Hmm, true. I'm going to be angry with Ashley for a while. And Shepard. I'll get over it. Positive thinking. Okay. I'll find a way to focus more on my duties until then. Serving our captain.
[12:33:12] Liara: Good. Now, before I get into the rest, there is something I need to explain. I am not sure how familiar you are with power dynamics. Or with sex and relationships in general. We haven't talked about you like this. I never brought it up because you seemed rather averse to these topics. Aside from that amusing conversation we had with Ashley at the bar on Noveria, you have kept your own curiosities out of the picture. And I had initially dismissed your crush on Shepard as something that was entirely innocent. But you have proven me wrong. So I'd like to know what your thoughts and experiences are.
[12:34:22] Tali: I'll admit I was very sheltered before I met her. What you said about your mother wanting to keep you pure—my father was the same. Aside from me pretending to be straight, he got what he wanted when I was younger. I used to idolize films like Fleet and Flotilla as the ultimate romantic experiences. I think I told you that my friends and I would have sleepovers together, watching that particular film and reciting all the lines by heart. Watching it again yesterday with Ashley and the guys, after my talk with Shepard…it made me see how naïve I used to be. I'm really not that girl anymore.
I've also heard that sex is about power. I don't know what that means. I want to learn. Privately, I'm no stranger to nerve stimulation programs. Simulating those sensations in my suit. When I first saw her…she awoke something in me. My dreams even changed once I started doing this, not long after I joined the team. I use my programs almost every night in bed, thinking about Shepard's strength in ways that frighten me. Maybe I enjoy the fear, but it isn't enough. I need her to actually kiss me. I need her to do more than that. A lot more.
[12:34:50] Liara: Thank you for sharing this with me, Tali. It is very helpful and insightful. Since you are eager to learn more, I will teach you. But are you not concerned about your immune system?
[12:35:20] Tali: That is the main obstacle. Aside from taking immuno-boosters and antibiotics beforehand, I'm not sure what else I could do. Being exposed to her more and more over time would lessen my allergic reactions. Eventually, my system would adapt. I wouldn't get sick anymore. Until then, there is always the chance that I could die. I know she wouldn't want to risk that happening to me.
[12:35:43] Liara: There might be a way for you to go through the process beforehand. Slowly. More gradually. Ideally to lessen the risk. I could help you find what you need. Though it would have to wait until after we deal with Saren. We shouldn't jeopardize the mission. I will collect what I can in the meantime.
[12:36:03] Tali: I'm not sure what you mean…but I appreciate it. Thank you. Now what is this you mentioned about power dynamics? Polarity? Does it have anything to do with how submissive I am?
[12:36:40] Liara: It does. This may be a long conversation. I hope you are alone.
[12:36:55] Tali: I'm leaving upstairs to your bedroom now. If that's all right.
[12:37:21] Liara: Certainly. I've already made sure that my door will unlock for you. Let me say goodbye to my colleagues. After I finish renting the car I mentioned for Shepard's birthday, I will return and meet you in my room. We can speak here until then. Though I promise your patience with her should pay off. Eventually. One day, it will.