* * *
December Continued
Darien pushed the buzzer for the door with his elbow; a huge pizza carefully balanced in one hand and a six-pack of, appropriately enough, Bacardi Silver in the other. She drank some of the oddest things, in his opinion, but he was here to apologize -- again -- so he would cater to her whims. He listened to the locks disengage and put on the best smile he could manage as the door slid to the side, hoping she wouldn't just slam it shut and send him on his way.
However, it turned out she wasn't standing on the other side of the door so he poked his head in and looked about in puzzlement for her. "Alyx?"
"Come on in." she said from somewhere on the far side of the living room.
He set the peace offering on the table where a half-full glass of water and a pill bottle sat; the latter with its top still off, and sauntered further into the room. Behind him he heard the door slide shut and the locks engage under seemingly their own power. Something he found oddly reassuring. He found her on the dark green mats she used for her exercises, her body contorted into an uncomfortable looking position that seemed to involve trying to shove her foot behind her head. He leaned back against her sofa and watched, unable to be anything less than impressed. The first time they'd met he'd gotten an idea of how limber she was, that little talent hadn't changed over the months.
"That just looks painful." he commented as she repeated the movement with her other leg.
She snorted. "Gods, don't make me laugh now. Think of the consequences."
He chuckled softly, admittedly she had a point. A shift in the wrong direction and she'd be doing her version of the Thanksgiving Day wishbone. After the wish had been made. That, in turn, brought up thoughts of how far they'd come since that night, how close they'd become.
She released the leg and sat up slowly, drawing both together and folding over them, her hands wrapping about her bare feet. As she did her shirt drew up slightly and he noticed a bruise on the left side of her back. It was rather odd-looking for a bruise, a double line with the top one a bit thicker and darker than the lower, but with little bruising in between.
Moving, he crouched beside her and ran his fingers lightly over it, causing her to groan softly. "How'd you get this?" he asked when she turned her head to look at him.
"You did it." she answered as she sat up, arching back slightly before pulling in her legs to cross them.
Darien sat down on the mat. "Me? I don't remember..."
"You slammed me into Geofferies' wall. The decorative molding left an impression on me." For all that her tone was light, he still caught the pain underneath.
"Damn. I'm sorry about that. I was..."
"Marking your territory?" she shoved into his sentence, much as he had shoved her into the wall, perhaps realizing, far more than he, exactly how true the statement was. "Look, if you can't handle me doing the work required of me, whatever it may be, we might want to end this here and now." She pushed herself to her feet and moved to the end of the mat, making it obvious she wanted him off it.
He slid to the side so that he was now sitting on the wood floor and watched with hooded eyes as she folded the mat and put it away. She had a point, much as he hated to admit it. It had been bad enough before they had gotten together, but now...now it was worse. He wanted her all for himself, all day, every day ad infinitum, even though the rational part of him knew that could never happen, that she had other commitments, other duties. Hell, that she just wanted time to herself on occasion. He wasn't sure what to do about the situation, other than he was not about to give up on her, on them.
As she was about to walk past him he reached out and lightly grasped her calf, the smooth silk cloth covering it an almost sensual experience to feel and reminding him of why he liked being with her. Just looking at her was often a sensual experience; she was capable of such simple pleasures and she was quite often more than willing to share them, even if there were few, as yet, willing to take her up on those shared experiences.
"Yes?" she queried after a moment. She could feel him trying to sort out his thoughts, trying to put words to things that were far more easily felt than explained.
"I'm not ready to give up on us, are you?" His hands slid gently back and forth across the muscle, feeling it tighten and flex as she began to roll back and forth on the balls of her feet.
"I'm not sure." At her words his hand dropped away and she finally felt free to step away. The scent of the pizza he'd brought had been making her stomach growl and reminding her she'd not fed it since the dinner nearly twenty-four hours ago at Geofferies.
By the time she'd made it home from the Agency the headache had been so bad she'd nearly been in tears. She'd managed to down a couple of her stronger meds, kick off her shoes and collapse onto her sofa, where she proceeded to sleep for six hours straight. Her body demanding she recover from the physical and mental torture she'd put it through recently. Since waking she'd already spoken to Bobby, Eberts and the Official on varying matters involving the wrap up of this case and right now was not really in the mood to deal with her reluctance to remain in this relationship with Darien.
"Not sure? What is that supposed to mean?" He got up and walked over to where she was standing, almost, but not quite touching her. Wanting to wrap his arms about her and apologize until she believed him.
"I know you're sorry about what happened, but that doesn't change the fact that it did. Or that it probably will again." She opened the pizza box, smiling slightly as she realized that he'd picked her preferred toppings and not his. Well, except for a token one for himself, ham. "I'm having a hard enough time dealing with the fact the Official all but owns me, I won't let you think the same."
Darien was confused. "Own you? I don't own you."
Switching targets to the alcohol he'd been generous enough to provide, she pulled out two and removed the caps, knowing they were both going to need some to get through this discussion. "Dare, part of you sees it that way. Sees me that way, as your possession. I can feel it." She turned about and handed him one bottle while she took a large swallow from the one she kept a hold of. She was almost surprised to see Darien and not some superimposed image her mind had dredged up.
He sighed and drank some of his own. It wasn't half bad, but he'd still rather have a real beer in his hand. "Okay, I guess I do feel a bit possessive over you. Thinking you're my girl and all, it ain't that odd is it?"
Alyx shook her head unsure how to explain it to him without telling him anything of importance, anything that would cause more memories to resurface, to cause her to see him again instead of the sweet man currently standing before her. "I guess I just need some space." She had trouble meeting his eyes and tried to cover it by downing more of the Silver.
"You wanna break up? After only a couple weeks?" Darien was shocked and upset and it showed on his features and in his voice.
"I warned you I wasn't ready." she grumbled and tried to slip away, but he wouldn't let her, one hand coming up to rest against her cheek and stopping her cold.
"Bullshit." he growled in frustration. He set down his bottle and then plucked hers from her hand and placed it beside his. Ignoring her tissue-thin protests he repeated, "Bullshit." and kissed her.
Alyx groaned half in frustration equal to his and half in desire. It was so unfair, all he had to do was look at her some days and her insides would turn to goo and the room would suddenly feel far warmer than it should. The things that would happen, be it crappy moods or lust sparked QSM, no longer mattered. How he felt about her in all its unadorned and testosterone-enhanced glory right at that very infinite-seeming moment was all that she could feel and all that she wanted to for a long time to come.
When he just about demanded to be allowed past her lips she found herself unable and unwilling to resist, and he dove right on in. Their tongues jostling for dominance and making him growl in unrestrained pleasure. Pleasure she did not need to rely upon to fuel her own, which was quickly becoming a bit of an issue for her as she once again discovered how easily her resolve could and would crumble when with him.
It was Darien who broke off the kiss as a sudden flood of emotions washed across him; emotions he knew weren't his. "Baby, you okay?" he asked at a husky whisper. He was actually rather surprised that he was still all there, his heart was pounding right along with his desire and if she hadn't noticed the physical results... Little chance of that happening, given that they were still pressed against one another, hands still roving, and lips -- hers anyway -- still seeking and finding flesh to taste.
She was currently discovering the hollow of his throat was very sensitive while her hands made their way under his T-shirt to slide along his abdomen and ribs. At some point she'd ended up sitting on the table with her legs wrapping about his and drawing him right up against her. "Sweet thing, slow down for a sec."
Alyx had been so caught up in just feeling that she'd completely forgotten that she'd basically just told him she didn't want to see him any more, not like this anyway. "Ah, hell." she muttered, resting her forehead against his chest and forcing herself to get back under some vague sort of control. She hated that she still lost her touch control even after all this time. "You cheat, you know that?"
He laughed softly. "Yeah, I know. Now, you gonna try and tell me you want to walk away from this?" The fingers of one hand began to draw circles on the back of her neck making her shiver and damn near purr in reaction.
"No, I can't tell you that." she admitted with great reluctance. "But I do need ... more space, time to think things through a bit better." She looked up at him and saw the frown that adorned his features. "Darien, if we go through with this I want it to be for the right reasons, not just because of mutual attraction due to the close situation. It's not like either of us have a lot of opportunities outside of the Agency."
"You could." Darien said softly even though it was difficult for him to say the words aloud. "Geoff... Kirkland really likes you. There's nothing really stopping you from..."
"Darien," She slipped her hands out from under his shirt, their ardor having cooled dramatically in the last few seconds. "He doesn't like me, he likes Maddy, who after tomorrow won't exist." She shifted back a bit and retrieved the bottles, passing him his and watching him gulp down a fair portion as he took a small step back.
"You could tell him the truth." he suggested in a voice that was low and sad. "Seriously, he's smart, he's good-looking, he could probably get clearance if needed. What's not to like?" When she didn't say a word, just watched him with a blank look, he added, "With choices of a thief or a guy like him... even I can figure out which is the better one for you."
Alyx shook her head, momentarily at a total loss for words. "Okay, not fifteen minutes ago you were bitching about me 'breaking up' with you and now you're practically throwing me at Kirkland. Could you pick one and run with it, please?"
Darien snorted, knowing he'd done exactly that, but wasn't quite sure why. Maybe it was that if she had a chance at a real relationship, a normal relationship, he wouldn't stop her.
"Ever think I might not like Kirkland that way?" She was sorely tempted to ask him if he was thinking at all, but held onto her swiftly fraying temper. "Bub, how the hell would I explain to him that I was the reason he got dragged into the Agency? That I was using him to get the information the 'Fish wanted. That I was the one giving Bobby everything that was needed to break him? Do you really think he'd forgive me? Could you?"
"Alyx, if he really cares then, yeah, he'd probably forgive you in a heartbeat." Darien told her in all honesty, knowing he would if the situation was reversed.
She closed her eyes, wanting to hurt him for using emotional logic at her. "Darien, I don't want to be with him. Do you get that?" He just stared at her as if she had lost her mind. "He's a nice guy and he'd be a hell of a lot of fun to talk to, but that's it. I was never attracted to him that way. I had to cheat to get through it; used his emotions to cover the fact I wasn't interested. He was the job and nothing more."
Darien blinked at her and then finished off the bottle before he found himself able to speak and even then didn't manage more than one solitary word. "Really?"
"Really. When you guys finally broke in I was desperately trying to figure out how to get out of the situation without losing more clothes or hurting him. He damn near got flung into a wall a couple of times." Alyx told him as she removed the empty from his hand and replaced it with a full one.
"What happened, Alyx? Why'd you freak so badly that you tried to ... disappear?" Neither he nor Bobby had come up with a rational explanation for that so he'd decided to ask her.
"I..." For an instant she wanted to trust him, to tell him the truth, everything about her past, why she'd been sleeping so poorly, the so-called dizzy spells, but her distrust surged back to the surface with the force of a tidal wave breaking upon a populated shore. Sweeping away everything in its path and wiping the beach clean of everything that had been built upon it in recent months. "You've been with the Agency for, what, two years?"
"About that, why?"
"I've only been here a few months and you have no idea how different this life is from the one I knew. I need time, Darien." She could only hope he'd understand and not press for answers she was dead set against giving him.
"Not the 'Fish thing again? I thought we'd dealt with that?" he complained, very tired of hearing the same excuse over and over again.
But she surprised him by shaking her head. "This is about me. I may not be the person I was before, but I still don't know who I am. Can you try and understand that?"
He shook his head, not sure he had ever understood anything she had ever said at this point. "Explain it to me."
She growled in hastily reigned in irritation, realizing he had no way of comprehending how very different she was from her former self. "Every one of you sees me as something different. To the 'Fish I'm like a prize catch, but an illegal one, so he tries to hide me even as he uses me. Eberts and the Keep aren't quite sure yet, but both feel more than a bit sorry for me, knowing that this was never a choice I made and that I'm trying to deal with it as best I can.
"Bobby... Bobby doesn't know what to think. He hates that I've been shoved into the perfect little set-up the three of you had. He thinks I'm messing with the sync you guys had worked out. Knocking you out of your groove. He's right, of course, but that's not really my fault. He's just beginning to appreciate my abilities even as they drive him to double his meds. He's a nice man and great agent, but he doesn't really see me, just my skills. I'm not a person to him yet, just another tool." Alyx sighed deeply and took another sip from the bottle, her throat suddenly dry.
"And me? How do you think I see you?" Darien asked softly, curious as to just how much she'd been picking up from him.
"Lets just say glass enclosed pedestals are great for trophies and not for people."
Darien gaped, wanting to deny that her interpretation of his feelings for her, no matter that they were greatly over-simplified, was even vaguely accurate. And couldn't.
"Dare, I feel like I'm being pulled in dozens of directions at once. Even strangers have their own perception of me that I often pick up on. I need time to weed through all the crap and find me." her voice was softly pleading by the last sentence, needing him to try to understand. To understand that what she was going through had very little to do with him, though he was most definitely the instigator, and everything to do with her.
Darien studied her for a long moment, thinking about what she had said. He did understand, at least a little; it had taken him a long time to become even vaguely comfortable in his new role as a secret agent, never mind as the invisible man. Everyone at the Agency wanting him to change to fit his or her preconceived notion of how he should act and should behave.
Hell, there were days he still hated it, still resisted changing to suit the whims of others, at one point he would have been willing to trade it for a stint back in prison, but not now. Not since she'd shown up on their proverbial doorstep and turned their lives upside down. She'd been just about the only one who hadn't placed demands on him, hadn't tried to pigeonhole him into some ill-fitting idea of what she thought he should be.
Things were just beginning to settle back out, to return to something resembling normal. If normal could ever be applied to his life in general or the Agency in particular. Different, but far more relaxed and comfortable, no longer the sensation of it being ill fitting like it had been at first. Even Hobbes was finally adjusting to her presence, working with her instead of just dealing with her.
"All right, but I'm not giving up on us." When she tried to argue he closed the distance between them and pressed a finger to her lips, cutting off her flow of words before they even began. "Sweets you just about melt every time I get near you. There's gotta be a reason for it."
"How about I plea insanity, or better yet, the fifth?" she responded with a shy smile.
"I can think of some pleas I'd much rather hear from you." He wrapped a hand about her neck and lowered his face down near hers, breathing in her scent, his lips finding that sensitive spot beneath her ear and making her groan softly.
"Really? Like what?" she mumbled as his other hand went exploring, causing her to growl deep in her throat and arch into his hand. This was not some false reaction done for the job; this was about as real as it got and for the moment she just let it happen.
"Like that." he replied even though she'd not said anything aloud, what she wanted, what she was pleading for had come through loud and clear. He was about to continue his explorations in more detail in hopes of extracting more silent pleas from her when he felt his left leg do a disappearing act. Instead of backing away he simply moved his hand upward, eliciting a moan of complaint from her and cupped her face. He kissed her gently and then spoke softly. "I need to go."
Her eyes snapped open and she looked up at him in surprise. "Go? Did I do something wrong?"
Surprised at her sudden insecurity he shook his head. "Not at all. I thought you needed some time, remember?"
She stuck out her tongue at him and he reacted by quickly capturing it between his teeth and turning the play into a very thorough kiss that left both of them gulping for air when they broke apart. "I remember, and I do need the space." she agreed when she could talk coherently.
"I know. Its okay, just try to remember I'm still here. Anything you need." This time he did step back and she was forced to stifle a laugh at his lack of appendages.
"Stay for dinner at least, since you went to all the trouble." she offered as she slipped off the table and turned about to gesture at the swiftly cooling pizza.
"You sure?" he asked, not wanting to stay if she wanted some peace and quiet. The quicksilver flaked away then, hitting the wooden floor with and almost musical sound.
"Yes, I'm sure. I'll get plates, you find something boring to watch. I'd say you've had more than enough excitement for one evening." She moved about him and into the kitchen. "Darien, thanks."
"You're welcome. Now hurry, I'm starved."
"Kid, are you sure you want to do this?" Hobbes sat on the floor of the van, the side door open as he leaned against the frame, his dark glasses reflecting her twinned image back at her.
"Bobby, you've asked me that exactly fifteen times and I've given you the exact same answer every time. Hell, I invited you along so you'd be able to tell the 'Fish that Geofferies won't cause any trouble looking for me." she snapped in exasperation.
"I know, kid, but I'm telling ya this is not a smart idea." Hobbes reiterated, wanting to be sure she knew what she was getting into by taking this possibly risky step.
Alyx brought a hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose, trying to resist the temptation to pound some sense into that thick skull of his. She knew he was only trying to help, to make sure she understood the potential hazards, to protect her in his unique and paranoid way.
None of that mattered though.
"I damn well know its not a smart idea, in fact it'll probably go down as one of the stupider moves I make in my career at the Agency. However, it's still the right thing to do." With that she turned away, easily overhearing Hobbes' quite comment as she walked off.
"Yeah kid, it is."
Alyx headed for the decorative bridge that ran over the equally decorative stream filled with Koi in the very public park across the street from Thornton's to meet Geofferies. He had wanted to meet her privately, but she had refused and chosen this park because they both knew its location and because it would be filled with people and hopefully keep some nasty scene from happening. She didn't want to hurt him any more than necessary.
She found him standing at the peak of the bridge's arch and looking over the side at the fish swimming lazily in the water below. She sidled up next to him, keeping a good foot of space between them. "Hey,"
"Maddy," He drew her into a hug, holding onto her tightly for an instant before releasing her and looking her over. "You're all right? They left you alone?"
"I'm fine. They took me home and sat outside my place all night, but they left me alone." She looked him in the eyes, seeing the worry there, seeing the hope there, and hating herself for what she was about to do even though it had to be done.
"Come on, we'll talk over lunch." He reached for her hand, but she stood there motionless. "Maddy, I'm sorry about what happened. Please, can we just talk things out?"
She shook her head. "There's nothing to talk about. I like you Kirk, I really do, but this won't work."
"Don't say that." he said in such a pitiful tone that Alyx nearly caved just to see him smile again.
"Kirk, if we stay together this will just happen again and next time it may not turn out so well." Alyx explained in a soft voice tinged with real regret. "Thanks to my father any relationship we have would be scrutinized. Any little thing that happened with your work would bring up the fact my father is a complete bastard and it taints me by association." She could feel what he was going through, the warring emotions of his personal needs and wants versus the necessities demanded of him for his work. "What you're doing is too important to throw away over a woman you barely know, and if you would take a minute to really think about that you'll realize its true."
He turned away from her and spent more than just a minute staring blindly at the water below him. "You're right, but I don't like it."
Alyx chuckled lightly. "You think I do? I've been fighting to get out from under my father's thumb for years, trying to disassociate my life from his, with little success as you have just experienced." She softened her voice, hurt creeping into it. "I'm so sorry for all of this. If we'd never met maybe none of this would have happened."
"No, Maddy, its not your fault. Not even my fault really, unless you count my sometimes being too smart for my own good." He slumped down and turned his head to look her in the eye. "I don't want it to be over." he stated simply.
"I know, but it has to be. For now anyway. As long as we are who we are it can't work." She set a hand on his shoulder offering what little comfort she could and hoping he'd understand.
"Yeah. Maybe ... maybe in the future?" That hope was back, though well hidden behind the resignation.
"Maybe." She stepped closer allowing him to wrap an arm about her. "I'm leaving and I don't know when I'll be back."
"Leaving?" he asked with such despair in his voice that Alyx knew he was going to be terribly hurt by this. She'd done her job too well and Kirkland had gone and fallen for her. "Where?"
She shrugged. "Not sure yet. Maybe Europe. I haven't been there in few years." She tried to ease his hurt. "This is not because of you. I am not running from you. I need to separate my life from my father's and you need time to get the feds off your back. Understand?"
It took a couple minutes, but he eventually nodded. "Call me when you get back, okay?"
"I will." Alyx told him and wondered if she'd ever follow up on that. Who knew where she'd be or what she'd be doing in six months. "It's been a distinct pleasure, Kirkland."
He groaned and pulled her in close. "That it has been." He kissed her lightly, a farewell to what might have been. She could feel that he knew this was probably the end, that even if she did contact him, a few months or years down the road, things would have changed, perhaps too much for them to pick up where they had left off. "Be well, Madigan."
And with that he turned and walked away. Leaving Alyx standing on the bridge alone.
Darien squinted his eyes, trying to get a better look at Hobbes who was hidden in the shadowy interior of the van. It looked like he might be holding the parabolic mic, but Darien couldn't be sure due to the crappy angle and the distance. Fifty feet through trees and people strolling by just didn't offer the necessary line of sight view that was needed.
He'd tailed Hobbes after overhearing an argument between him and Alyx in the hallway outside the office they shared. Had heard Hobbes trying to dissuade her from meeting Geofferies and her invite to play chaperone in words that just dripped sarcasm. Since it was a good bet that neither of them were about to run off and inform Darien of this little tete-a-tete he'd decided to tag along.
At first the tried to rationalize that it was simply because he wanted to make sure she was safe, provide another layer of back up in case something happened. But in truth he wanted to make sure she hadn't changed her mind and decided to tell Geofferies the truth, maybe start seeing him after hours now that she was no longer going to be seeing himself as often.
He'd gone and agreed to stop coming by her place so often. Agreed to start hanging out more with Hobbes like he used to, and agreed to give her the space she felt she needed. It wasn't like she was leaving or anything, right? Now, he wasn't so sure.
Searching about he was unable to spot her and figured he might as well find out what was going on by asking the one person he could locate. Making his way through the small stand of trees and the crowd walking along the sidewalk separating the perfectly manicured grass from the road he came at the van from the rear. Popping his head into the doorway he waved. "Hey, partner, what's up?"
Hobbes twitched and had to resist the sudden urge to draw and fire. Shifting the headset off one ear, he glared at the taller man as he settled on the edge of the van's doorway, almost as if unsure of his welcome. It didn't take much to figure out why he was here. "Eavesdropping again were ya?"
Darien shrugged. "Is it my fault you two go at it at full volume in the hallway?"
Hobbes snorted. "Guess not." Not about to give away anything more, he waited while Darien slowly began to squirm. Oh, it was nothing the average person would notice, but Hobbes saw all the signs of an impending attack of whining if he didn't offer up the intel soon. "The bridge, Fawkes." He waved straight ahead where the T for the path led to the oriental styled bridge.
Darien looked that way and could easily make out that red hair of hers, with Geofferies standing on the far side of her. "What's going on, Hobbes?"
With a sigh Hobbes dropped the headphones about his neck and flipped the switch on the speaker, He'd been recording it just like she'd requested. Proof for the Official.
"Don't say that." came out of the crappy speakers, sounding as if it was from the bottom of a deep metal-lined well. They both recognized Geofferies voice.
"Kirk, if we stay together this will just happen again and next time it may not turn out so well." That was Alyx. Darien could hear the emotion in her voice and had to wonder if it was just amazingly well faked or real. During his musing he missed some of the conversation.
"You're right, but I don't like it." Geofferies was saying.
He heard Alyx chuckle lightly. "You think I do? I've been fighting to get out from under my father's thumb for years, trying to disassociate my life from his, with little success as you have just experienced." She softened her voice, hurt creeping into it. "I'm so sorry for all of this. If we'd never met maybe none of this would have happened."
It was amazing how she could take the truth and use it to her advantage.
"No, Maddy, its not your fault. Not even my fault really, unless you count my sometimes being too smart for my own good." Geofferies said to her, then his tone changed becoming filled with sadness. I don't want it to be over."
"I know, but it has to be. For now anyway. As long as we are who we are it can't work." Alyx responded, her tone seemingly filled with regret.
Darien watched the couple on the bridge, no longer really hearing the rest of the conversation. After a minute he turned to face Hobbes who was eyeing him carefully. "Hobbes, why is she doing this?"
"That's a good fricking question, my friend." Hobbes turned the volume down, but not off, he still wanted to keep an ear on what was going on. "The guy was innocent, just the schmuck who happened to have the answers. According to her and the background data Eberts got, he's a good guy." He paused and scratched his neck where the headset was irritating him. "I guess she wanted to end it right instead of just vanishing."
Darien shook his head, not really understanding why she'd go the extra mile for a perfect stranger she'd probably never see again no matter what she might say to him.
Hobbes nodded at the pair. Geofferies walking away and leaving Alyx alone to lean on the railing until Geofferies was well out of sight. "Bobby, I'm gonna take a walk and then head home. Page me if I'm needed." She strolled off, her hands buried in her coat pockets, and her head tipped down. Darien could tell by her posture she was upset and wasn't quite sure how he felt about that.
"Fawkes, you're sitting there like she gave you the same lines. Let her give Geofferies what little resolution she can. Come tomorrow who is it that's gonna be seeing her?" Hobbes waved at the now empty bridge. "Not him, that's for sure."
Darien met Hobbes' eyes and nodded. "True enough, but I still gotta wonder if she wants to."