Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

45. Apollo

"The Citadel" from Mass Effect 1 / "Mary Magdalene" by FKA twigs

XLV. Apollo

(Shepard)

As the Normandy approached the Citadel, I kept Miranda by my side. Here along the bridge, with Joker and most of the team standing behind us, we stared out the windows at our approach. Holding Miranda's hand, gazing out at this violet expanse surrounding the station, I soaked in the mood about her. How pleasantly fine she was, how fine and pleasant she looked: this gentle smile on her face, this trust she gave me, leaning her head along my shoulder. Truly, her optimism seemed unbreakable. How she believed in us, the two of us. Lingering habits from her attitude masked her tenderness, somewhat.

After Illium, a few more days passed, nearing the beginning of April, with our newest team members getting settled aboard the Normandy. Samara and Thane had more or less acclimated to their new routines, winding down in the starboard observation and life support areas, respectively. Everyone seemed to get along. So by the time I received an email from Councilor Anderson, asking to meet him on the Citadel, his timing worked out pretty well.

As this next transition, I decided I would speak with my team individually about their concerns—any possible personal missions.

Once our meeting with the Council was over, I'd let everyone go wherever they wanted on the Citadel. Find them, talk to them. Get the rundown on those needs and concerns they had.

Then, once we took care of this next mission against the Collectors, we would get through everyone's personal missions. One by one. Ideally over these next several weeks, as Miranda had predicted already.

So much had changed since our last visit to the Citadel, right after we'd recruited Garrus on Omega.

Miranda had found her peace with me, no matter what. No matter who watched us, observing.

The same story, I saw throughout the Citadel once we touched down. Heading to the main elevator along the Presidium, en route to the Citadel Tower, nearly everyone around stared at us, too. Not that I wasn't used to it by now. I did feel a certain pride, from having Miranda like this. Knowing that we were well on our way to more together, I let myself take on her optimism. Her masked euphoria. Her endless positivity that magnetized my own. Especially once we arrived to the Citadel Tower, to the beauty here: the rise of this endless ceiling, the spread of cherry trees around as pink blossoms. And this persistent ambience of a sunset shining in through the tallest window, overlooking all at the fore.

Standing before the Council for this meeting, I recalled the importance of my role.

Standing behind me as I stood before—Miranda, Legion, Zaeed, Mordin, Garrus, Jack, Tali, Kaidan, Kasumi, EDI, Samara, and Thane were all here. Closest to me was Miranda, as always. Right behind.

Councilor Anderson, along with the asari, turian, and salarian councilors treated me with respect. As their equals. Maybe even somewhere above them. We all recognized the parts we had to play—for now, against the Collectors, and later, against the Reapers. In place of the Illusive Man, the Council had this latest mission for my team to carry out. As important as this was, they had my full attention.

Having this break from the Illusive Man couldn't have come at a better time.

The turian councilor said, "Commander, thank you for agreeing to meet with us. We understand that you currently answer to the Illusive Man for your mission. However, he was wise enough to defer this current matter to us. You are still a Spectre. We would like you to handle this as a favor to the Council."

Councilor Anderson continued, "That's right. This particular issue doesn't concern the Terminus Systems. It's unusual that the Collectors have decided to venture outside that region. Their location is finally under our jurisdiction. With your help, we should be able to find out what the Collectors are up to, and hopefully keep them gone. At least until you end them completely after your suicide mission."

"We're sending you to Eden Prime," ordered the salarian councilor. "Back where it all began. For oddly similar reasons, as it would appear. As you recall, Saren and the geth attacked the human colony during your first visit. At the time, researchers had dug up a valuable Prothean artifact, which we later learned was a rare, in-tact beacon. The very same Prothean beacon that gave you your visions, warning of the Reaper invasion."

Eden Prime…

Hearing the name of that colony reminded me of how much had changed since then. Or even how I hadn't really changed, despite what I'd believed before.

I remembered the ones we'd lost as well.

In particular, Kaidan seemed the most pensive. I heard his thoughtful humming somewhere behind me.

The asari councilor explained, "We have reason to believe the colonists have discovered quite the unique find. Another one of their dig sites produced a second Prothean artifact of sorts. However, they have not been able to verify this information. The colonists have gone into hiding due to increased Collector activity in the system. They are under orders to remain in hiding until we're able to ascertain the Collectors' motives. But, as you can assume, it is only a matter of time until the enemy attacks."

I asked them, "Why do you think the Collectors are taking so long to act?"

Anderson speculated, "They may be trying to figure out if it's worth the risk: hitting the colony for this artifact, with the Alliance waiting to launch a counterstrike. The thing is, the Alliance is unprepared to face the Collectors on this scale. You and your team are the only ones who've survived against them. Certainly, we've sent Alliance soldiers to deal with pockets of Collectors. We've even had a few notable victories. But they all came at a significant risk. No one is willing to put themselves on the line again."

"What happened, exactly? Why are my fellow soldiers too afraid to fight against the enemy?"

Classified matters—the councilors all looked between themselves, deciding.

And then Anderson answered me, with his authority: "One of your recruits, Lieutenant James Vega, faced the Collectors on Fehl Prime, another one of our human colonies. He and his team were initially there to keep the peace against Blood Pack mercenaries. The Collectors suddenly attacked, and Lieutenant Vega led the charge to drive the enemy off. He lost his entire team along the way. He also made the decision to sacrifice several captured colonists, in exchange for critical data about the Collectors. For Vega, it was…a Pyrrhic victory at best."

"No wonder…"

"It's safe to say the rest of the Alliance is unequipped for this fight. You and your team are the only ones we can count on. With that said, we won't send you to Eden Prime right away. The Collectors may decide to leave—or they may not. Sending you too soon will only provoke them, possibly putting the colonists in harm's way."

The turian councilor specified, "Commander, as before with Saren and Virmire, we will again ask you to remain on standby. When we determine that the Collectors need to be dealt with, you should expect an email from us. Until that time arrives, you're free to do as you please. We recommend the same approach you took before, freeing your schedules with shore leave until the mentioned time."

"Understood, Councilor," I replied. "We'll do just that."

Anderson ordered: "When you touch down on the colony, your main objective will be simple. Drive the Collectors away from Eden Prime. Whether that involves getting the Prothean artifact out of their reach, or defeating the enemy by any means necessary, it will be up to you. Just ensure the colonists' safety."

"On another note," said the salarian councilor, "The Illusive Man has sent over the data you and your team gathered about the Collectors, and your countermeasure to their seeker swarms. Your teammate Professor Solus was quite thorough in his write-ups and assessments, including ideas for possible widespread dissemination to the masses. As a precaution, we've arranged for the seeker swarm countermeasure to be sent out to the citizens of Earth. In case the Collectors ever decide to venture there. We do not believe they ever will."

The asari councilor knew, "As with Eden Prime, it would be a great risk for the Collectors to attack such a closely-guarded location. Least of all your homeworld, surrounded by the Alliance and their fleets. But we made this decision out of an abundance of caution. Not as a means to cause alarm. The masses have heard enough about the Collectors causing trouble for colonists in the Terminus. They will want to be prepared for the worst, despite the unlikely probability of any such attack ever occurring on their soil."

Their reasoning made sense. I couldn't imagine the Collectors ever deciding to hit Earth.

Just in case.

Anderson concluded the meeting: "Commander, the Council thanks you once again for your continued service. May you always continue to be a friend to the Council, our protector. And may you continue to be a protector to all in the galaxy who deserve you. We wish you the best of luck on Eden Prime and beyond. This meeting of the Council is adjourned."

Afterward, I sent my team off for some free time, hanging out on the Citadel however they wanted. Miranda went on her way, too, with promises to meet up again later on. Later on, after I'd finished speaking with everyone about whatever they needed. But first, Councilor Anderson asked for another meeting with me in his office. So he and I went to the embassies together, chatting as we went along.

Back in the safety of his office, Anderson settled down a bit. Sun shining in from the Presidium behind; wide picture windows and more space open to the view there; the lake glittering in the distance; and skycars zipping across that rounded, artificial blue sky. This peaceable quiet surrounded us as we sat at Anderson's desk. Contemplative.

The mood about the room dimmed, slowly.

Dimming with Anderson's consideration, making up his mind about what to discuss with me.

During my last visit, he'd simply pulled me aside to have a talk, catching up over those past two years.

That he'd brought me to his office this time instead—I noticed the difference in privacy, and in security.

Taking a deep breath, Anderson admitted, "Shepard…it's been a long time coming. I've held onto this conversation for quite a while now. I wasn't sure how to tell you the news. You remember before, at our last meeting: the Council reiterated why we're keeping the public oblivious about the war. We're choosing not to tell them about the Reapers. On purpose. Staying quiet to avoid a panic—well, that's certainly one important reason. But that's not the only one. Honestly, I wish it was. It would be easier."

"What do you mean, Sir?" I asked. "Why else wouldn't you tell the public about what's going on?"

"Believe it or not, we're doing this out of security concerns. For you. It's for your own protection."

"How? Why would anyone want to come after me over this? I'm trying to stop the Reapers, to protect everyone else. Isn't it obvious?"

"Of course it is," agreed Anderson. "It's obvious to people like you and me, living in reality. Unfortunately, that isn't the case for everyone. There are some bad actors out there. Making a living off of peddling misinformation. Conspiracy theories. Those types of lies. They'd no doubt spin something like this into a vast media empire on its own. The only reason they didn't try it with Sovereign is because everyone saw the vids directly. The same will have to happen with the rest of the Reapers. People will need to see the invasion with their own eyes. That way, no one can deny it once it arrives."

I knew enough about this type of exploitation. How so-called journalists would claim they had the real facts, making their audience think they were in on some secret information. Or just outright taking advantage of their fears. All while making money from those exploits, severing their audience from reality, as Anderson had said. Doing this with something like the Reapers could've been catastrophic.

Anderson went on, "Long story short, we can't risk anyone indoctrinating the masses ahead of time. We have reason to suspect there are rumors swirling around anyway. But it's all vague enough to keep the worst from happening—on a galactic scale. Besides, it looks like you have the best security we could've hoped for. Something tells me you're not quite aware of it, though."

"No, I don't think I am."

"It involves your executive officer, Miss Lawson. Her father, Henry Lawson, appears to be working against any possible enemies of yours. Suppressing their efforts to target you. Keeping them at arm's length. That sort of thing."

I remembered Aria telling me about this the last time we spoke at Afterlife.

Anderson noticed my understanding. "Mr. Lawson seems to value his daughter, and so he values you being with her. I'm aware of their tumultuous falling-out from the past. It's difficult to say if he's turning over a new leaf or not. I can't get a read on his motives. I'm only able to speculate on what he's up to."

"What do you think he's up to, then?"

"Once the Reapers invade, the galaxy will be looking to you. They'll discover Miss Lawson's role in this war—how she protects you from indoctrination. Her father will want to take some credit, at least. As power-hungry as he is, I can see him enjoying the prestige and attention. Seeing you come out victorious will feed into his own influence, his dynasty. But, like I said, this is all speculation. I don't know for sure."

That would explain some things with Miranda's father. His reasons for reaching out all of a sudden.

There had to be more to it than that.

"If Miss Lawson does decide to speak with her father, I'd like you to observe the situation. Keep an eye out. Given what we know of him, I'm not ready to trust that his intentions are pure. He could be trying to take advantage of you both. You never know. Stay vigilant, Commander."

"I will, Sir. Thanks for letting me know."

"Well, I've taken up enough of your time. I know it'll be a while before we see each other again. I'm looking forward to your report on Eden Prime. It'll be just like old times. Aside from that, I expect we'll meet again after your suicide mission. I'll be back on Earth to brief you about our plans for the Reapers. I won't worry you with any of that now. By winter time, we'll be looking back on days like these. So enjoy the rest of this year, Shepard. Make the most of it—with your partner, and with your team. No regrets."

---

Anderson's words stayed with me as I left to the Wards.

Making the most of this time. Not having any regrets.

Basically not leaving anything on the table.

His advice made me rethink how this day would go, talking to my team spread throughout the Citadel. I'd planned on going into this with a business mindset. Just checking in, getting information, and then making plans. But I began to reconsider that. My team had each sent me their NavPoints already, waiting for me to find them within the next few hours.

Once I finished meeting with everyone else, Miranda wanted us to spend time together. To talk, unwind, and discuss how our day had gone. To enjoy each other's company in ways we couldn't take for granted. Not with so much looming over the horizon.

But we still had to get through this next mission.

Taking the rapid transit to the Wards, I sent Aria an email with the necessary information:

To: Aria – The Collectors.

Aria,

I have an update for you. The Council's sending us after the Collectors within the next few days. We'll be hitting Eden Prime in search of a Prothean artifact at a dig site. The Collectors haven't attacked the colony yet. Apparently it's only a matter of time. When that time arrives, I'll need your help, as promised.

For now, the team is on standby. We're waiting for the go-ahead. Can we still count on you to join us?

-Shepard

.

From: Aria – Re: The Collectors.

Shepard,

I always repay my debts.

I'll join you as your guest for Eden Prime. As promised. Contact me with an update as soon as possible. To save time, I'll take my own transport from Omega to the colony. However you want to handle this, let me know, and I'll follow your lead. I'm not used to taking orders from anyone. But I've obviously made an exception for you.

This should be an interesting experience. I'm looking forward to it.

-Aria

.

Strictly-business—I was surprised that Aria kept her message short and to-the-point.

But even her lack of expression gave away some meaning on her end. As if she wanted me to wonder about her. Possibly, maybe.

Arriving to the Zakera Wards, I found quite a few people out and about. Wandering throughout the shops, enjoying their time with their friends and loved ones. Exactly like last time. Nothing had changed with anyone. Everyone had their freedom here on the Citadel, free from the approaching invasion. As I walked among them, past these many advertisements and gathering groups, I felt my own envy growing. These innocent people clustered in this shaded space of the Wards, darkened from the brights of the sights outside the windows. Out there, the rest of the Citadel shined on in the pale, manufactured sunlight: those gleaming metropolises of the other Ward arms beyond.

I imagined the idyllic fantasy of living that type of life with Miranda. Oblivious and free from danger. Never having to worry about the next day, the next hour. Peaceful to think about. Too unrealistic to dwell on. Because I knew, after the war, the next threat would come. And we'd all have to step up again.

As the embodiment of that escape, I entered a crowded extranet café. Darkened this time in a shadowed ambiance, nearly lightless, the brights from the many computer screens lit the space instead. I passed by a bunch of people of all ages: all of them sitting at their terminals, playing video games together. A few other people were only here for regular extranet browsing, enjoying a drink and a meal here in the café. But for the most part, a bunch of gamers populated the place, playing various MMOs or other multiplayers. Most of them were glued to Galaxy of Fantasy, a hugely popular MMO based on turian mythology. The latest expansion, Waters of Kolono, had just released. So everyone raced through progression together, exploring new areas, and getting their in-game characters up to the new level cap.

Among all these gamers was Legion, sitting at one of the terminals in a corner. I went over to its location, noticing the attention it attracted from other people. The humans, turians, salarians, volus, and asari all around kept glancing at Legion, clearly disapproving of its presence here. Those shifty, suspicious looks spoke enough: those people probably assumed Legion used some kind of cheating VIs while playing. Assuming Legion was a regular synthetic, they didn't seem to know that it was a geth. That ignorant bliss afforded Legion enough cover to do this, infiltrating the Citadel for shore leave, so to speak.

Unintentionally.

"Hey, Legion," I said, ignoring the haters around.

"Shepard-Commander," replied Legion, still playing. "We are thankful for your visit."

"You play Galaxy of Fantasy?"

"Yes."

Trying to get a better look, I wanted to know, "So…which class are you?"

"We are currently playing a level 612 ardat-yakshi necromancer. Our leveling process is ongoing."

"That's cool," I mentioned. "I never played this game myself. Looks like you're heading back to town?"

"Correct," confirmed Legion. "We did not wish to idle in the open world. We risked leaving ourselves vulnerable to player-versus-player opponents. Player non-functionality would have been imminent."

"I get what you mean. Aside from our game, what else have you played on your free time?"

"N7 Code of Honor: Medal of Duty. Grim Terminus Alliance. Fleet and Flotilla: Interactive Cross-Species Relationship Simulator. Ultra platinum-level donation to Geth Attack: Eden Prime Fundraising Edition."

"Wait a minute—you played…a relationship sim? Based on Fleet and Flotilla?"

Legion sounded embarrassed: "Yes… Our playtime of seventy-five hours and six minutes was unsuccessful. We attained a player score of fifteen."

"Fifteen?" I asked. "What does that mean, exactly?"

"Hopeless."

I tried not to laugh. "Oh…I see."

"We find action titles—more straightforward to comprehend."

"I figured as much," I said, as Legion stood up to speak to me properly. "Since you're available to talk, you know why I'm here. Going around to see what everyone needs to take care of. Before the suicide mission, that is. Do you have anything you need our help with?"

Legion informed me, "We are unaware of any critical tasks at this time."

"Then is there anything that might become important later?"

"There is a high probability that the heretics among geth will become relevant. We speculate that this will not become an issue for some time. Shepard-Commander should instead prioritize critical tasks for other team members. We will inform you when the heretics choose to make themselves relevant."

"Okay, no problem," I accepted. "Any idea what the heretics might be up to later on?"

"Unknown. The heretics are separate from us. They chose to leave. We allowed them to do so. They are no longer part of our consensus. When the heretics become relevant, the remaining geth will find ways to gather necessary data. We believe the heretics will wish to convert us. However, this is conjecture."

"Convert you? You mean convincing your side to worship the Reapers like they do?"

"Yes."

I declared, "Then we have to find a way to stop them. Do your people have any kind of plans here?"

Legion seemed to agree with me. "We are still building consensus. Please try again later."

"If you say so… Feels weird to just sit around and wait on something like this."

"Consensus is necessary to achieve unity among the geth. We remain uncertain on how to proceed, given the creator threat. We have attempted to analyze their news sources and communications. The Migrant Fleet restricts essential news data to highly-secured channels. The geth have not been able to monitor these channels. We suspect the creators may wish to retake their homeworld. Should the creators take action, the geth will be at risk. We cannot achieve consensus without this critical data."

I remembered the quarians talking about this before.

And I'd already promised Tali we'd help her people retake their homeworld.

So I suggested, "Maybe you should operate under the assumption that the quarians do want Rannoch back. But they might not take the violent option. Peace is always a possibility. If the geth are up for it."

"This is a sensible assumption," settled Legion. "We will disseminate it to our consensus. Our decision on the heretics will still remain unclear, but less so. We will achieve consensus as the mission continues."

"Okay, then. Get back to me whenever the situation changes. We'll help you out however we can."

"We thank you for your offer of assistance, Shepard-Commander."

"I'll let you get back to your game, then. Have fun, Legion."

"Acknowledged," said Legion, returning to the old leveling grind.

Leaving the café, I headed further into the Wards.

Walking through this familiar back alley, red lights filling the place, I remembered when I was last here. Years ago, with my team, running to save Tali from the Shadow Broker's agents. Those agents who'd tried to take advantage of her youth and naïveté, not expecting someone like me to come along. I'd sniped everyone down with ease before finding Tali herself. I'd had no patience for how distraught she'd been, after everything she'd suffered during her Pilgrimage up until that point. Thinking back on it now, I could've been less…insensitive toward her.

Even though I'd committed to speaking with everyone today, Tali's possible request took up most of my thoughts. Whenever I found her later on, we would have to have a conversation. Our first conversation in this new era we lived in, of not speaking to each other at all. No one else suspected anything. No one knew that we weren't talking; no one knew our reasons. But I wanted things to improve between us.

I missed Tali.

I missed her joy. I missed her tenderness. A lot. Already.

Caught in the middle of respecting her wishes, and my own selfish feelings, I wasn't sure what to do.

I could only hope our discussion today would move our friendship into a better direction.

Outside the back alley, I rounded the corner to the next walkway, leading to Chora's Den.

On my approach, I heard the bustle and beats of the music: measured, understated sensuality warping through my ears. Again it reminded me of the old days. Going after Fist, the old owner of the club; sniping down mercs from the vents; ordering Wrex and Ashley to charge through, while Garrus and Kaidan kept watch just outside. These memories of Ash aside, I had no idea how to feel about the past. That hope overture.

Equally reminiscent, I found Zaeed inside the club. He sat down near one of the walls, drinking a beer. Watching an asari work the pole in front of him. Blue of her skin, blue of the lighting all around—everyone else inside this place looked the same, felt the same. Except for…EDI who was here, too, observing people at the central, circular bar. She gave me a smile, before gesturing to Zaeed, who'd already started drinking his feelings as alcohol. I'd go find her after having a talk with our ex-mercenary.

Reaching Zaeed's side, I stared down at him, at his drinking.

He stared at the asari dancing in front of him. Glassy-eyed and all, even with his injured one.

"Zaeed. What are you doing here?"

Lazy and languid, he responded, "What's it look like I'm doing, Shepard? Having a drink. Getting some goddamn entertainment. Close as I'll ever get to getting some action. Unless I ask EDI for a good time. She keeps watching me. Hell, maybe she's interested."

I glanced at EDI watching someone else now. "Something tells me she's not up for it."

"You're probably right," muttered Zaeed, pretending to be sadder. "No idea why she's here. Maybe you should be asking her that question. Some idiot pissed out of his mind tried going up to EDI earlier. No idea what she did to make him go away. She's just been watching all us sad sacks ever since. Gathering data about how fucking miserable we are. Wish I was a synthetic. No goddamn emotions! Sounds nice."

"Why are you so miserable, Zaeed? What's going on?"

"I already know Lawson told you enough. She had to scold me; give me a stern talking-to about Jack. I knew I was outta line. But this is why I hate being on a team. Seeing all these reminders about the past. It's easier to not give a fuck, you know. Get in, get the job done and get out. Caring is too much work."

"Who exactly does Jack remind you of?"

Zaeed took a long, slow drink of his beer. "Someone who might not exist after all. I don't know."

From what I knew, I started to put the pieces together. "I'm assuming this has something to do with Samara. Or not her. Mainly the fact that she's an asari." Zaeed looked away from the dancer in front of him. "Were you…involved with someone before? A girlfriend of yours."

"Sure was," he admitted. "Funny thing is, she was a justicar. Went around wielding a sniper rifle. The whole relationship thing didn't mean much to me. I did what I needed to do, and so did she. Never confronted each other about it. That little understanding we had was nice. Never argued—not like that. We were both too jaded for anything more. Think we just cared about the sex. Hell of a time we had."

"So what went wrong?"

"We had a job together. On a team with a couple others. The Shadow Broker told us to shut down a ship, and that's what we went to do. The pay was too damn good—I wasn't gonna turn it down. Things got ugly quick. Wasn't a pretty sight. Somehow managed to get the job done. Everyone else on our team died, or got stabbed in the back. I could've killed her, too. Saved myself. I stopped at the last second."

"What made you stop? Your relationship with her?"

Zaeed grunted, "Wasn't just that. There was this look in her eyes. Begging, warning me not to do it. Like I'd be making the biggest goddamn mistake of my life if I offed her. Gave me the strangest feeling. Filled my head with a crazy idea. She might've been pregnant with my kid without telling me. So I saved us both instead. After the mission, though, she wouldn't talk to me. Refused to say a word. I nearly broke."

"Then this whole thing with Jack…?"

"She's how I imagined my daughter—if I had one. Maybe I do have one of those little blue girls running around without me. Maybe I'm just another deadbeat dad, wandering the galaxy while the mother of my kid's going at it alone. Feel like shit over it. Wish I didn't."

As depressing as that sounded, it did explain a lot about him. How he behaved. His psychology.

Zaeed finished his current bottle of beer, and popped open another one.

Watching him like this, he reminded me of Wrex, inevitably so. Such similar resistance and pain.

I felt obligated to help.

"Zaeed, we can do something about this," I told him. "If you want to get in touch with your girlfriend, or pay her a visit, just let me know. I'm only wondering how important this is. If it's more pressing than your contract with Cerberus. You mentioned taking down Vido Santiago before. Does he really matter?"

"Vido's nothing but a distraction," he said. "That anger. That rage. Helped me forget, helped stop these goddamn feelings. Whatever the hell that prick's up to, it doesn't matter. He's small change next to the Collectors, the Reapers. Yeah, he screwed me over. Ruined my legacy. This thing with my ex ruined me even more. Being on a team just makes it worse. Jack and Samara—they remind me of my real failures."

"What you're saying is—if we hit the Omega 4 Relay, right now, Vido wouldn't be on your mind?"

"Nah… It's the other stuff. I'd probably lose my goddamn focus. Big time. You wouldn't like it at all."

"Then we should take care of this. Whatever that means for you. Whenever you're ready."

Zaeed saw the benefits, and yet—"I get what you're saying. It's gonna take me a while, Shepard. I've gotta find a way to get back in touch with my ex. See if she's still on Thessia. Where on Thessia. Then it'll be a while before she'll even talk to me. I just know it. So how about you take care of some other business first? Whoever needs your attention more should get it. Think I'm way lower on the list."

"That's fine, Zaeed. Let me know when you have an update. Then we'll head over to Thessia."

"Yeah, all right… Don't wanna face any of this, but I can't keep running away. I'll let you know."

"Sure thing," I settled. "Don't let me keep you any longer. We'll talk again later if you want."

"I hear you. Thanks, Shepard. You've got a good head on your shoulders. Don't ever lose it like I did."

Leaving Zaeed to his alcohol and entertainment, I wanted everything to work out for him in the end.

I understood my role in that process. Mostly hands-off. Getting him to Thessia. Then hoping for the best.

The prospect of going back there brought up my own memories. But I couldn't dwell on those right now.

I returned to the bar, finding EDI in the exact same place. We sat down together; the few people looking this way decided to look elsewhere. I assumed everyone would be smart enough to leave us alone.

"Hello, Shepard," greeted EDI. "Thank you for joining me. Are you surprised by my presence here?"

"Well, yeah… I never thought I'd find you in Chora's Den of all places."

"There is significant value in these types of establishments. Organics frequent this gentleman's club for a variety of reasons. I wished to observe those reasons for myself. Zaeed's recent behavior triggered my curiosity. I did not wish to 'stalk' him, yet we still arrived at the same location. It was a coincidence."

"Makes sense. Are you worried about him?"

"Yes, to some extent. His downward spiral began when you recruited Samara. Based on his extranet bookmarks, and his extracurricular activities during shore leave, I predicted Zaeed would turn to this current course. Given that he can no longer view Jack as he did before, his regrets have begun to worsen. However, I believe Zaeed wishes to improve his situation. He will not allow this to defeat him."

"I hope you're right, EDI," I said. "What about you? Is there anything pressing on your mind?"

EDI rephrased, "Do you mean to ask if I have a personal mission I would like to pursue?"

"Basically."

"I do not, Shepard. My primary concerns involve the Normandy, and you as my captain. So long as the ship is functional, and you are in good health and spirits, there is nothing that threatens my focus. I have other, more trivial wishes, such as desired hardware upgrades, but these are not worth mentioning."

"Okay, that's fine. I only wanted to make sure. There's nothing you wanted to talk about, at least?"

EDI hesitated, before saying, "There is one particular topic I wished to discuss. I worried that you would evade this subject matter. Or that you would perhaps shut down the discussion altogether. But you agreed to answer my questions about organic behavior. I remain hopeful that you will always choose to answer my inquiries, even when they are about you. And even if the issues make you uncomfortable."

I hadn't planned on talking about me, but—"Go ahead, EDI. What did you want to ask?"

"Do you believe you had an acceptable amount of closure with Dr. T'Soni?"

This soft apprehension in EDI's eyes, like she knew she'd landed a hit, and she didn't want to hurt me:

Her consideration made this surprise less sudden. Her sincerity encouraged my own.

"No, I don't think we did," I answered. "The last time she and I talked in my cabin, before the Collectors attacked…I was in the middle of a transition. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to change. But I thought I had to. I thought I had to leave Ashley behind; be with Liara completely. For the sake of the mission, for the galaxy. To deal with the Reapers. None of that turned out to be true. Still, I remember how I felt that night. I remember the way Liara made me feel. That's what I associate her with."

"But it is also correct that you did not truly mourn Dr. T'Soni's passing."

…

EDI apologized, "I am sorry, Shepard. If you would like us to stop discussing this topic, we may do so."

Despite how much this stung, I didn't want to brush her off. "We can talk about it, EDI. I'm just wondering why you brought this up."

"I have observed that the team seems to remember her fondly. Despite her choices, and despite her methods with your previous partner, those appear to be irrelevant. They have each found their forgiveness for her extreme actions and choices. I watched you shoot down your partner in the starboard cargo room. Your actions affected me in ways I will never fully comprehend."

"That I can understand," I sympathized. "Would you say I traumatized you?"

EDI paused.

Then she responded with, "I am unable to answer your question at this time. But it has caused me to analyze certain scenarios."

"Such as…?"

"Such as what would have happened, had Dr. T'Soni killed your partner in self-defense two years ago."

"Honestly, Miranda would have done the honorable thing. She would have switched my protector to Liara, officially. I'd mourn Ash's death. I'd be pissed off at Liara for keeping secrets from me. But the situation would be different with her still alive. I'd want to move on with Liara—after making sure everyone else knew the whole story. Liara would still be on the team now. And that would've been it."

I decided against mentioning the obvious: that I still would've gone for Miranda in the end anyway. Despite everything.

"Then you have forgiven Dr. T'Soni for her past indiscretions?"

"EDI, if anything, I'm the one who owes her an apology. For a lot of things. It's too late for that now…"

"I see," said EDI. "I will examine this issue." I expected that to be the end of the conversation—for now—but then she came back with: "Shepard, I have examined the issue. You appear to miss Dr. T'Soni on an intrinsic level. Yet you have not dedicated resources to restoring her non-functionality. The lieutenant expressly desired to avoid the team, and so her return would be unfeasible. Nevertheless, restoring her is beyond our means, even after the Lazarus Project. The same cannot be said for Liara."

"Wait—with Liara, it's not impossible? How do you know that?! What are you saying?"

"Due to the powerful nature of her bond with you, it is likely her death was unconventional. The essence of her person, and her life force, also exist within you. Specifically within your mind. The unconscious reaches of your mind, once unreachable. Your foray into Insomnia has created these new possibilities."

Yeah, I'd had a feeling we would find Liara in that VR game—eventually. But this?

This was…way beyond what I'd assumed was possible.

Then again, Liara had always existed within this place. This space in my mind. This specific place that nothing and no one could have ever reached in me. All over again, like a light turning back on in the darkness, exactly as she'd described years ago: I realized I still needed her. Tempered by my reality, yes. Tempered by the knowledge of what could never be. Different in that sense. But still here, still present with me.

I had to ask, "Would Legion know more about this?"

"It is difficult to say," replied EDI. "Due to our synthetic nature, Legion and I are limited in our understanding of organic thought processes. My hypothesis is that Miranda will have the knowledge you require. Of course, these possibilities have also eluded her. Once she is made aware of them, she may have more information. I would recommend asking her directly—at your earliest convenience."

"Sure, I'll do that. Thanks, EDI. I plan on meeting up with her. After I talk with the rest of the team."

"Then I encourage you to resume your visits with the team. I will remain here and continue with my observations. I will also continue analyzing possible scenarios for the team—for Dr. T'Soni's eventual return. I believe her presence will improve team morale. Restoring her would not be a selfish decision on your part."

A selfish decision.

Glancing at these asari dancers all around, working those poles in that seduction, I saw the truth hazed through the lust within this club. Mirrors of potential with me. The soft, gentle, understated magnitude of Liara's sex appeal. That quiet begging of hers. Wanting me to come just a little bit closer to her, until we collided—and for me to stay there. Needing what I'd suppressed in my thoughts of her, cravings so crass and crude. More importantly, I remembered the way she'd opened me to the universe: my emotions, the depths of me, and who I was as a person. And I remembered what the two of us had before—what we could've had—interrupted by all the time in our world.

---

Selfish or not, utilitarian or not, this matter with Liara threw me for a loop.

I'd never dwelled on these possibilities because they hadn't occurred to me. Never. Not once.

Now that they had, I was almost afraid to think about them. And not because I expected things to change. But the possibility of seeing her again—it made me feel some type of way. A way I hadn't allowed myself to dwell on. I'd missed her, intrinsically, without really knowing the full extent of things. Deep, buried, complicated love; the allure of our memories, rose-tinted, and doused in thick coats of nostalgia. Pragmatism and realism.

If nothing else, I wanted to do this for Tali—to make things up to her. To make everything right again.

The two of them, Liara and Tali, loved each other in their own ways. I could do this for them. Not me.

That seemed to be the best approach.

Shifting my priorities accordingly, I made my way to the Silversun Strip on the Citadel.

Free of the grit and grime of the Wards, yet not quite reaching the pristine levels of the Presidium, this strip existed somewhere in between those worlds, those standards. Elevated, colorful, expansive, and packed with people all over the place. Entertainment abound, with arcades, casinos, theaters, and all sorts of shops, bars, and restaurants. Everyone here seemed to have a bounce in their step, heading to the next arcade with their friends, or sharing a lively conversation somewhere on the strip. Even a few people owned apartments around here, overlooking the dazzle of lit-up building names and advertisements all around.

Relatively anonymous in these crowds, I went to the largest theater in the district. Only now did I see the surprise—the Galactic Video Music Awards were on today, streaming live galaxy-wide, right inside the spectacle of this building. From outside, I could hear the roars of the celebrity-packed audience, their ceaseless cheers and applause, all for the current punk rock band playing on-stage. Yet two of my teammates were in there, waiting for me to find them. How the hell did they get in without tickets?

They must have snuck in somehow. If they had, then they wouldn't be in the actual audience seats.

Activating my cloak, sneaking past security: I made my way into the theater proper, and up to the nosebleeds way up top. On the way, I passed by various ads for the artists and bands playing tonight—Blue Giants, Varrencage, and Domino Masque—none of whom I'd ever heard of. This sense of energy everywhere, of excitement and euphoria, almost felt infectious. Well-aware of the mass of noise around me, echoing wide and thrumming deep, I soon reached those nosebleed seats. Overlooking the rest of the theater, that spectacle of lights, I found my people.

Standing together, leaning against the railing, Jack and Kasumi watched the show with an ease about them. Hidden away in their own little world, they had a friendly energy, talking and laughing about whatever. They soon noticed my approach as I uncloaked, finding this look of confusion on my face.

No doubt Kasumi was the brains of this operation, knowing exactly how to sneak all the way up here.

"Hey, Shep," she greeted, calm and casual as ever. "Not surprised you found us. Still, I'm impressed."

"How did this start?" I questioned. "Why'd you two decide to team up for this?"

"It was pretty easy," answered Kasumi. "I found Jack wandering around, looking a little depressed. So, I suggested this idea for us. Just as a fun thing to cheer her up. She didn't believe it was possible. Not at first, anyway. I had to remind her about who I am, what I do. Once we managed to get in, she was happy. And so was I. We've been chatting together this whole time we spent waiting for you."

I hadn't expected that.

Jack grinned at me. "Shepard, can you believe this shit?! Best seats in the house for the GVMAs!"

"If you think the nosebleeds are the best, sure," I responded.

Kasumi claimed, "Believe it or not, this is where the action is. We get the best view of everyone in the theater. Not just the artists on-stage. Think of the celebrity gossip we could write about this! There's a business in this niche—secret stalking at award shows—and we could earn a lot of legitimate credits."

"Do either of you two even write?"

"Not me!"

"Uh, maybe?" said Jack. "I submitted a couple poems to some award things. They always turned me down, though. Guess no one wants to read my angsty emo crap. Let alone give me some trophy for it."

"Well, everyone has to start somewhere," I humored.

"I think I'd rather get my ass kicked by the Collectors. You know, for the mission."

"Then you know why I'm here."

"Of course," replied Kasumi. "We were just talking about it, actually. I'll let Jack go first. Her request is simpler than mine."

Jack insisted, "Yeah, for now it is."

I told her, "I'm listening, Jack."

"Look, you already know about my past. How Cerberus fucked me up. I wanna take a look at some more of their files. See what else they've got on me. I don't know what exactly I'm looking for. I'll figure it out once I find it. The files Miranda gave me before helped a lot. So I want to keep looking, that's all."

"Okay, we can do that," I allowed. "Once we get back to the ship, I'll give you full access."

"It's that easy, huh?"

"Yes, it is. Unless you want me to make this difficult."

"No way!" exclaimed Jack. "I'll take what I can get with you, Shepard. Thanks. You're a real one."

"What about you, Kasumi?" I asked next. "What's this complicated request of yours?"

"I wouldn't say it's complicated," corrected Kasumi. "More like…multi-layered. And possibly delicate. You remember when we first met? I mentioned needing your help with a heist."

"Yeah, I remember. What are you looking to gain from this heist?"

"A certain greybox. It belonged to my partner, Keiji Okuda. It has a lot of information that should be worthwhile. Among other things. Donovan Hock, a big-time weapons dealer and smuggler, has Keiji's greybox hidden away. I'm looking into how I can get it back. I don't expect I'll have all the answers any time soon. I need a little bit longer to finish my preparations. Could I let you know once I'm ready?"

"Sure, Kasumi. We'll take care of it then."

"Just so you know," she warned, "I'm going to ask you for a few more favors. For the heist. Depending on how things go, I might need your help directly. Or I'll only need you to provide a distraction for me. As long as you agree to these favors, everything should go smoothly. Hope you're prepared for it."

That sounded…suspicious. "We'll see about that."

"That's more than I could ask for. Thanks, Shep. This means a lot to me. More than I can say."

"I understand. So, when are you heading out of here? I don't want you getting caught by C-Sec."

"Oh, we'll be fine," said Kasumi. "Security has no idea we're here. We'll be back on the Normandy later."

"Yeah, Shepard, don't worry," added Jack. "The show's just getting started! We won't get arrested. Not like our crazy night out with Miranda and Samara on Illium. Promise!"

"If you say so. I should go. Be careful, you two."

Kasumi and Jack gave me their own fond looks, watching as I activated my tactical cloak and left.

Getting back outside the theater was easy enough. I could only wonder how C-Sec would've reacted, knowing they had a security breach like this. Of course, it was better for them not to know. Not with my team involved.

Still on the Silversun Strip, I went to the Armax Arena—the best combat simulator complex on the Citadel. One of the largest buildings on the block, the place lit up in bright orange and gold, with peoples' top scores on display. I followed the crowds through the entrance hall, searching around, before making my way upstairs to the main lobby.

Watching a few of the ongoing public matches, Mordin stood by himself. Observing with great interest. He seemed to be studying the combat, the simulations, and the complex itself. Curious how everything worked. Contemplative, Mordin had his hand beneath his chin, humming every so often. Completely lost in his own world, he didn't notice my approach. I'd already uncloaked outside, so he should've noticed.

"Mordin?"

"Ah, Shepard!" he said, looking glad to see me. "Relieved you're here. Wanted to ask your opinion about combat sim, potential possibilities. Matches appear to be entirely realistic. Hard to believe fighting is only simulation. Video games offer vast opportunities for experiments, scientific study. Know you are gamer yourself. Enjoy games with Legion, spend time in mysterious VR game with Miranda. Intrigued."

"I don't mind giving my opinion," I told him. "I just figured you'd want to talk about our last mission with you. On Tuchanka. Learning the truth about your assistant. How are you handling everything?"

Downcast, Mordin admitted, "Still hard to believe Maelon betrayed me. Betrayed my work. Disgusted by his actions. Proud of his nerve, though. Always thought he lacked backbone. Hope he finds peace in afterlife. No regrets over killing him. Had to be done."

"You're really okay with what happened?"

"Of course. Can't change what happened. Life continues. Back to mission, back to work. Onto current fascination with combat sims. Become like Maelon otherwise. Salarian emotional processing faster than other species. Has to be. Short-lived culture. Can't spend time reminiscing. Of course, greatly distressed at time. Stages of grief. Loss, anger, rationalization. Dealt with it. Will carry with mission on as needed."

"Maelon didn't seem like he processed his emotional response. He was obsessed with the genophage."

"True," scorned Mordin. "Didn't mean to imply that salarians were healthier emotionally. Can still make wrong choices, bad decisions from grief, anger, guilt. Maelon couldn't accept feelings, made decision, executed. Salarians still feel, just resolve it quickly. Explains lack of marriage. Can't sustain courtship emotions. Or perhaps based on reproduction. Unsure. Less-involved emotional bonds simpler for us."

"What about Maelon's data on the genophage?" I asked. "His attempts at a cure."

"What about it? Have it in lab somewhere. Not dealing with it now. Need to focus on Collectors, Reaper threat. Not important now, regardless. Appreciate you and Miranda helping me back on Tuchanka."

"No problem, Mordin. Now what's this about video games? What made you decide to come here?"

Mordin smiled, explaining, "Now that personal mission is over, and finished with seeker swarms, need new project. New ways to contribute. Came up with possible idea for combat sim. Will face Reapers when they arrive. War imminent. Practice and knowledge beforehand should prove useful. Shouldn't go up against Reapers unprepared! Imagined putting together game to simulate process of how you defeated Sovereign, but on larger scale. Include all teammates. Their roles, yours. Simulated battlefield."

"That sounds incredibly helpful," I praised. "Do you have any experience as a game developer?"

"None! But, could solicit aid from EDI, Legion. Perhaps Tali as well, due to tech genius. Know several contacts with necessary experience. Imagine Legion would provide bulk of assistance and guidance."

"I think that'd be a great project for you guys. Why don't you get in touch with the Council about this? Ask about those tactics and strategies the Alliance is coming up with for the war. I'm guessing your STG contacts might have some ideas, too. Maybe you could implement those tactics into the game itself."

"Yes, wonderful!" agreed Mordin. "Colleagues in STG provided clues already. Hinted dire necessity of biotic users for defense. Not sure how… Will contact them and Council for more information soon."

Biotic users.

To help us win this war.

Liara's importance grew by the hour.

I had to know, "Any idea when you'll be done with this project?"

"Hmm, not for some time. Should be finished once all recruits have joined team. Can test completed version here at Armax Arena. Again, must consult staff for logistics, details. Exciting prospects!"

"I'll let you get to work, then. I'm looking forward to seeing how this turns out."

"Of course," said Mordin. "After consultations, will put in work order with Illusive Man, request funds. Can purchase required materials as necessary. Fresh horizons as game developer look promising."

---

Everyone else I hadn't yet spoken to was somewhere on the Presidium, so I made my way there.

The most difficult encounter so far, I expected to have at the movie theater.

The sunny brightness of the day, the well-maintained plants and trees, and an impeccable sense of order gave the perfect illusion of peace and harmony everywhere. And the tall, tall theater overlooked the view of the Presidium's lake, and all these bright-white buildings and bridges throughout. Several skycars flew over these long lines of people waiting to get inside. Everywhere around, I saw a bunch of colorful ads for the latest releases—Blasto: the Jellyfish Stings, The Demon and the Nightmare, a reboot of Dark Goddess, Gravity's Rainbow, and The 840-Year-Old Virgin. Given the sheer amount of people in line, I assumed this was a pretty popular, big-budget lineup. I'd never seen the lines this bad before.

Standing in one of those lines, I found the usual clique together, commiserating over the wait.

Garrus, Joker, Tali, and Kaidan all suffered. They looked downright miserable.

Steeling myself as much as possible, I went over to them.

"Ugh, this is the worst!" complained Joker. "The one day we get to goof off on the Citadel, it's opening weekend for all the best vids! I bet anything all these kids are here for that frickin' Blasto thing."

Kaidan sulked, "Just our luck, huh…"

Garrus sighed. "So much for our plans for vid-hopping. Not sure we'll be able to get around security like this. Normally, I'd say we go for it anyway. Don't think that's the best idea."

Tali stayed quiet.

I tried not to focus on her as I approached. Didn't want to give myself away.

She seemed to sense me anyway, finding me first before the guys did.

When Tali looked up and found my gaze, I felt her quiet wanting. The first time she'd made real eye contact with me in weeks. The first time, and I wasn't sure what to make of this energy about her. Was she still mad at me? Did she really hate me, despite what she'd said before?

"Hey, Commander!" said Kaidan. "Happy you found us. We could use the company."

Joker snorted. "Seriously! You see these lines, Shepard?! It's ridiculous!"

"Good to see you," greeted Garrus. "Think you found us at a bad time, though. We're kinda stuck here."

I pointed behind me to the Spectre entrance. "You don't have to stand in this long line. I can get you in."

Kaidan asked, "Really, could you?"

"Admission and concessions are free. You can watch as many vids as you want. It's unlimited access."

"Unlimited?!" balked Kaidan. "You mean, as long as we register as your guest once, it's permanent?"

"That's right," I confirmed. "Even if you're not with me, it'll still work whenever. Come on. Let's go."

Following me out of this hell, Joker laughed. "Man, Shepard, you're a lifesaver! You know that?"

Garrus agreed, "I'll say. We should've asked you sooner. I'd totally forgotten about those Spectre perks."

"For sure," added Kaidan. "Thanks a lot, Shepard. We owe you."

Tali still wouldn't say anything. She stayed closer by my side, as her way of thanking me without words.

No lines, no waiting—I walked inside to the air-conditioned lobby with her, with Kaidan, Garrus, and Joker.

"Shepard. Human. Spectre status recognized. Human, turian, quarian guests recognized. Access unlimited."

Not having to worry about that headache anymore, the guys' conversation shifted.

I followed them to the concession stand, listening as they decided which vid to watch first. Somewhere overhead, I heard an ad for that Blasto movie. The lead hanar said one of his lines, "This one doesn't have time for your solid waste excretions!" like it was the best thing ever.

"I'm telling you!" argued Joker. "We've gotta get some laughs in. The 840-Year-Old Virgin sounds hilarious! The life of an impossibly nerdy asari? An asari who can't get laid? Now that's comedy!"

"I don't know, Joker," said Kaidan. "I'd rather go with Gravity's Rainbow. It's an Earth classic!"

Garrus disagreed. "Think I'm up for more grit and suspense. I hear The Demon and the Nightmare's a true story. Two thresher maws almost destroyed a salarian city on Dagnes. I'd like to see how the survivors made it out of there alive."

Joker frowned. "Dude, that sounds depressing…"

Kaidan took a friendly jab—"No more depressing than you being a 40-year-old virgin in about a decade."

Tali snorted back her laughter, hurrying ahead to the concession stand.

Garrus' low chuckle spoke enough. He followed after Tali, intent on buying a few snacks.

Joker steamed. "Kaidan…you really shouldn't give me that kind of ammo."

"Well, given the way you treat EDI these days, did you actually think I wouldn't make that joke?"

Not wanting to go down this road, Joker joined Garrus and Tali by the concessions.

Kaidan watched him go with a smile. "He's way too predictable."

I remarked, "I have to say, Kaidan, I wasn't expecting that from you."

"Ah, Commander, you missed the meat of the background there. Joker's always giving me a hard time. The thing is, he disguises it with his jokes. Making fun of my integrity. Suggesting I'm a virgin, or that I only like women who are unattainable! Sure, Joker can dish it out, but he can't take it. Serves him right."

"In that case, I'm glad you're standing up for yourself."

"Definitely," he agreed, smirking. "So, I take it we're all next on the list? About our personal matters."

"That's right. Anything you need to wrap up before we hit the relay?"

"Hmm, I've been trying to come up with something. Not too clear on what I might need. I'll probably think of something down the line. Right this moment, though, there's not much on the agenda for me. I'm more concerned about Eden Prime, the next mission. We were there together a few years ago."

"I remember."

Kaidan looked a little down. "Yeah, I remember, too. The geth attacking the colony. Losing Corporal Jenkins. Nihlus. Meeting Ash… How that beacon affected you. How it changed everything."

"Are you anxious about going back?" I asked.

"Anxious… Sounds about right. Facing the Collectors again won't be easy. But we'll get the job done."

We joined the others by the concessions, getting their snacks together. From this vibe I got from everyone, they all seemed to hope I would join them, watching whichever vid they picked out. I felt their closeness; their willingness, their desire to be close to me. They almost surrounded me in this close proximity, emotionally, almost-latching onto me in our familiarity. Needing to spend this time with me.

Silent and unreadable, Tali gave me this feeling more than the guys did.

I noticed her buying two drinks, taking both cups in her hands.

I was tempted to get an Orange Julius for myself, knowing I'd be here for a few hours. That creamy, sweet blend of orange and vanilla flavor. Not quite a smoothie. I missed them from my hometown. Drinking them with my friends out on the beach when we were younger, cooling down from the sun. But, after the blast of nostalgia I'd had so far over Liara, I couldn't bring myself to get anything more.

Still, with this exact thirst drying my throat, I seriously had a taste for one right about now.

Or maybe a freezing blue slush drink. Sweeter than sweet. Mind-numbing.

Garrus approached me instead. "Hey, Shepard. Something on your mind?"

If I mentioned Liara to anyone else without solid proof, I risked getting their hopes up.

Ideally, I wouldn't want them to know until she actually returned. As a big surprise for everyone.

"Just thinking about my hometown," I deflected.

"Right, we're heading there next after this. Picking up that Lieutenant Vega guy. Should be plenty of fun. Sunny San Diego in the springtime on your homeworld. We were last there around the winter holidays when…you know. I'd much rather make some new memories. Even though the old ones still hurt."

"I know what you mean. Aside from that, was there anything you needed our help with?"

"There is, actually," said Garrus. "I've got something. Though I'm still a little fuzzy on the details."

"What is it?" I asked.

As a natural progression, we all started following Tali as she led the way forward.

Forward, to a certain theater, to watch whichever vid she had in mind. Not paying attention, Joker and Kaidan followed along, the two of them bickering about something else now. Though Kaidan seemed to be above the back-and-forth, grinning over Joker's frustrations. At any rate, they remained oblivious, staying with the group. I spotted a similar sort of obliviousness about Garrus, walking with me, telling his story. I couldn't help feeling like they would all object if they knew which direction Tali was really going…

They'd find out soon enough.

Garrus went on, "You remember Sidonis? The one who betrayed my team? I've found a lead on him."

"That's good news. You know where he is?"

"I managed to track him to my hometown. Cipritine. On Palaven, the turian homeworld. His exact location keeps changing by the day. I'll need to work a few favors back home; get him to sit still long enough for me to pin him down. When I do, I'd like your help finding him. If it's not too much trouble."

"What are you planning to do when you find him?"

Garrus' eyes brimmed with an old hatred for someone else. "You humans have a saying: 'an eye for an eye.' A life for a life. He owes me ten lives—one for each of my teammates—and I plan to collect."

If he could've said her name instead, he would have.

"Okay, Garrus," I accepted anyway. "We'll head to Palaven. When do you think you'll be ready?"

"Maybe after Eden Prime. I'll need to do most of the legwork on the ground. Figured we could have some free time for everyone while I look into things. Shouldn't take me long to call those favors in."

"No problem. You'll be the first on the list, then. Everyone else's personal missions should follow after."

"Thanks, Shepard. I appreciate you taking the time to help me."

I could have, should have asked him about the obvious. How he coped with it.

I decided to leave us to this silence instead. Garrus seemed to be all right. For the most part.

We followed Tali directly inside to the vid of her choice.

The sign overhead had read…Dark Goddess. That cerebral, asari erotica. Six hours long.

None the wiser, Kaidan, Joker, and Garrus stayed with me, staying after her. The complete dark of this theater, lit only by the gigantic screen at the front: I felt my eyes drawn more to Tali in front of me. Holding those two drinks, one in each of her hands, Tali cast a glance at me over her shoulder every so often. She already knew to walk up to the special Spectre seats, removed enough from the rest of the general crowd. Half-packed theater already—no one could see me in this dark, see the care of my focus on Tali leading me onward. How the near-ultraviolet of her suit lit up in the light of this screen.

Even so, I kept following Tali anyway, through the rows of these comfortable chairs. She sat near the very end of one row. Expecting me to sit next to her: protective, shielding her from everyone else in my intentions. And I did so, not knowing any better. Still knowing how much I'd pleased Tali with this one act. Unwittingly, Garrus sat down next to me, with Kaidan and Joker on his other side. The guys indulged in their snacks for a little bit, chatting among themselves. Not noticing the rest going on over here.

Tali set her drinks in the cup holders along the seats' armrests. One on her side, over there. The other on this side, over here, closer to me. Between us. I looked down at it. That orange and vanilla cream…

"Is this for me?" I asked.

"Yes, of course it is," she said, sounding contented enough. As she gave herself away.

There was no other way she could've known I liked this drink.

"Thanks, Tali…"

Kaidan cleared his throat. "Hey—this is a little weird. I keep seeing several couples walking into the theater. A lot of them are asari. No kids whatsoever. Which vid is this, anyway?"

"Whoa," said Joker. "You see this ad playing? It's…not what I expected."

An advertisement playing for a similar lusty vid coming to theaters soon.

Nearly frozen still, Garrus asked, "Is this…Dark Goddess?"

Unbothered and unperturbed, Tali told them, "Yes, it is. You never asked me which vid I wanted to watch. This is what I picked. If you don't like it, you can leave."

All at once, the guys bolted to their feet. They quickly made excuses and abandoned the theater.

Meanwhile, I stayed in my seat. Sipping the drink Tali had bought me. Wondering why she'd done this.

"Funny," mentioned Tali, indifferent. "I could imagine Joker staying, at the very least. Seems it's easier for him to joke about sex than actually watching it with others. Or watching his porn by himself." She gave me a pointed look from behind her mask, needing to make sure: "Do you plan on staying, then?"

"I'm not going anywhere. I just…need to message Miranda. To let her know."

Still indifferent. "You do that, Shepard."

Opening up my omni-tool's messaging interface, I wasn't sure how Miranda would react to this.

[11:43:04] Me: How's it going?

[11:44:20] Miranda: Very well, thank you. What about you? What are you up to?

[11:44:50] Me: I somehow got roped into watching a vid at the theater. I'm with Tali. About to start watching Dark Goddess after these ads finish playing. The guys were with us. They bolted already.

[11:45:23] Miranda: That's—quite hilarious, actually.

[11:45:39] Me: Are you…laughing out loud?

[11:45:52] Miranda: Yes, I am.

[11:46:30] Me: Well, this gets in the way of our plans. The vid is six hours long. It starts at noon.

[11:47:28] Miranda: That's fine, Shepard. I'm working with Mordin right now to put in a request with the Illusive Man for more funding. He says you already know about this. I'm also going to make sure we have the proper facilities for Mordin's project. We'll likely go shopping with Legion and EDI on the Citadel. It'll be a full day for us. So I don't want you to worry about making me wait.

[11:48:57] Me: All right, then. I still didn't get a chance to speak with Thane and Samara. After I talk with them, you and I can meet up. Get something to eat together. Wherever you want to go.

[11:49:29] Miranda: Sounds perfect. I'll inform Thane and Samara about the wait. Enjoy the vid with Tali.

[11:49:42] Me: You mean you don't have a problem with this?

[11:49:59] Miranda: I promise you I don't. Though something seems a little different with you today.

[11:50:30] Me: I planned on telling you about it later. I've been thinking about the past.

[11:50:45] Miranda: Hmm. Has this nostalgia brought down your guard?

[11:51:02] Me: A lot more than I'm comfortable with.

[11:51:22] Miranda: Is this asari vid bringing back memories? Your time is short, so please don't linger.

[11:51:41] Me: Unfortunately. That's not the only thing. I'll tell you the rest when I see you.

[11:52:13] Miranda: I understand, Shepard. For the record, there's nothing wrong with your attraction to her. It may have bothered me before. Not anymore. But this is clearly something that won't go away. I only want to make sure I haven't done anything to turn you off. Are you unhappy with me?

[11:52:21] Me: I'm not unhappy with you. This just came up. It caught me off-guard.

[11:52:45] Miranda: I believe you. I'll need to think about this. And not in some sort of foreboding way. There's nothing ominous going on here. I'm keeping an open mind, that's all.

[11:52:53] Me: What do you mean, exactly?

[11:53:24] Miranda: We'll see what happens as time goes on. Much later on. I've already accepted Liara's role as an executive member of your mind. I did this a long time ago, really. I'm not anxious, so I'm taking it as a positive sign. It's nothing personal against me, either. I'm not worried.

[11:54:02] Me: Miranda, are you sure? I don't want her on my mind like this.

[11:54:59] Miranda: Shepard, that's very noble of you to say. We don't have control over this. We can only control our choices; our situation. You know that as well as I do. This thing with your past has obviously torn your walls down. I'm eager to learn about it later over our meal. It's all right.

[11:56:02] Me: Babe, I don't want you to bend your tolerances for me. We've gone over this already.

[11:56:43] Miranda: It's not about bending. I said I'll think this over. In the meantime, I don't want you to keep closing yourself off. Be open to your emotions. Stop fighting them, even if you aren't necessarily running away. You're allowed to feel however you're going to feel. I'm okay with this. Really. I promise.

[11:57:00] Me: I'll keep your advice in mind.

[11:57:22] Miranda: That's all I can ask for. Enjoy the vid with Tali. I'll see you later on.

[11:57:29] Me: See you later, babe.

As I closed my omni-tool, silencing all alerts for these next hours, I let myself breathe. Think. Feel.

Closer than close once the vid started: showing that dark, dark view of the eponymous club on Thessia. The same one we'd all gone to for my birthday that time. Dark ambiance, darker music—trip-hop and alternative R&B. The lower level with everyone allowed; the upper level for VIP guests only. And the leading asari in the camera's view, looking at one another. Leering. Lustful, already, blistering in beats.

That unspoken between them spoke so much.

All the same, Tali had started drinking from her own cup. Sipping that straw.

"Your breathing's changed," she noticed. "Not so anxious anymore. Did you feel guilty for doing this?"

I glanced down at the Orange Julius she'd gotten for me.

The measure of her perceptions, her observations.

"Yeah, sort of."

Tali laughed softly.

I started worrying about something else. Tangential, adjacent. I felt obligated to stay here. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Here in this place, walls torn down all around me, inside of me. No real protections from her, from anyone close to me. Because if I didn't earn Tali's loyalty back, I knew what could happen. She might've died during the suicide mission. She might've died before that—on Eden Prime, during another, later mission against the Collectors. She wouldn't be able to focus; she wouldn't survive. And it would be all my fault.

Losing her, the thought of it all—I remembered my other losses.

I remembered how losing Liara hadn't hit me yet.

I felt my fears growing by the minute, by the second and more. Uncontrollable. Fearing her return. Fearing how that could've changed me. Fearing those attachments coming back again. They'd already started. Already, already I missed her. I fucking missed her. But I was days away from the full reality.

"Tali, since we're here—did you have anything in mind? Anything you need our help with."

"Not at the moment," she replied. "I don't have a personal mission, so to speak. Something could come up later. I'll let you know. For now, I do have another thing in mind. I wanted you to ask me about it."

"What do you need from me?"

"The other week. Back on Illium. When you told me the truth about Liara, you also made me a promise. You said I could ask you for a favor in the future. Anything I wanted. Anything at all. As a privilege."

Those two asari on-screen had started the chase. Mentally. Wanting, needing the other's attention.

"And now…you're choosing to cash in?"

"Yes, Shepard," said Tali, eyes firmly focused on the vid. "That's exactly what I'm doing."

I couldn't escape this. I couldn't go back on my word.

I owed her for my mistakes in the past.

As much as I felt my face heating up, eyes watering, I still entreated, "Then tell me what this favor is."

Tali gave me a look first. Movements from the vid screen reflected in opaqueness over her mask; the slanted brights of her eyes focused on me, studying me. She could have gone with the obvious. I expected her to make that obvious ask of me. She could've taken it as far as she wanted. Asking me for sex; asking me for so much more. Tali could have ruined my relationship, forcing this change. Making me pay for my mistakes with the blood of Miranda's broken heart. She absolutely had that power. And she knew it.

Instead, she held herself back.

Instead, Tali made this seemingly impossible request: "I want you to bring Liara back to me."

Closing my eyes in pain, I had to look away.

These fears of mine kept building and building.

No fears whatsoever over changing my path. Changing my mind about Miranda was off the table. Never that. I knew that for certain. It was still, this emotional uncertainty. Never having complete control. Not being able to keep my guard up like I had before. Just having Liara around again was bound to distort, shift, reveal. Crashing those waves of her disquiet against me, seas and oceans flooding my barriers.

Tali may not have taken the expected shot with that gun to my face. But she still fired at me anyway.

"I know it sounds impossible," she went on. "Hell, I'm well-aware that it probably is. I'm sure I'm getting my hopes up by even saying this. The fact of the matter is, I thought the same thing about you. While you were dead. I still needed you to come back to me. And you did. Maybe she could come back, too."

Acting, so believably, the two asari on-screen knew how to move into one another. Their hands, their lips—perfect chemistry, sinking into each other, undulating. Heat and entropy growing, showing.

Every sexed sound they made reminded me of my shortcomings.

"Do you want her?" I asked.

Tali hummed, thoughtful. "She will always be my best friend. With Liara, it's not about romantic love. It's not necessarily about sex, either. It's the companionship we had. I need her, Shepard."

Just as I figured.

I felt my renewed determination to do this for them. For Tali and Liara. The love they had.

Even if it meant I had to suffer in private. My suffering was my sacrifice for them. Both of them.

"I'll look into it, Tali," I promised.

Startled, she gave me a wide-eyed look of disbelief. "Really?!"

"Yes, really. I'm not sure how long it'll take. I'll find a way to bring Liara back. You have my word."

Clinging to my word, clinging to me—Tali clung to me, holding on. Holding onto my arm nearest to her. Tightening, tightening. Gripping for dear life. This culmination of her innocence, how I'd destroyed it: her emotions seeded back to those saplings, watering beneath the opaque glass of her mask. Still with me, still with me. Eternally close. Not precise enough for her to spot this calamity, this disquiet in me.

Reaching around with my other hand, I held the back of her head. This intricate patterning of her suit, her hood, the shape of it. These reminders of her mother stitched in by hand. These reminders of her best friend still reflected along her mask. Quieted in the silence of this theater, she let me hear her.

Vague recollections of Tali's mother flashed before my eyes in the dark.

Asking me to take care of her daughter. Asking, begging without words.

Dream or not, recollection or not, I stayed in this stalwart silence with Tali for as long as I could. Staying here, protective in my hold, in reality this time.

We stayed like this for hours more. Watching this vid. Watching this dark goddess play out before us. All as a memory. A memory of the same person on our mind, in our memories. Tali found her calm, her composure. Savoring this time with me holding her like this. Mirrored hearts or not, she loved me in ways I could never reciprocate. She believed in me in ways I could never find within myself, for myself. And the same was true of these memories, these wants playing out on-screen. Thessian wine as all.

The afterglow of that time stayed at the forefront of my mind. Glowing as an eternal sunset's dream.

After some time, Tali remembered more. She remembered more of who I was.

Maybe she caught onto my hidden hesitations to move forward with my promise to her.

She posed the reminder to me—not as a promise of her own, or a threat.

Just a reminder Tali gave me: "You aren't built to dedicating yourself to one woman, you know. After all you've been through. Why do you keep trying? I'm only curious. I really don't mean anything by it at all."

I had no idea how to answer her.

"Shepard, I'm not trying to scare you. I'm merely pointing out the obvious. I think this is why Saren wouldn't believe you before. When you said you could do this for the galaxy, to stand against the Reapers. He knew this was your truest weakness. Giving yourself to one person alone. No one else. I find it strange that you've decided to try anyway. You're doing your best to change. Despite your beliefs."

I had to wonder why she'd chosen to stop holding back. "Which beliefs of mine do you mean?"

"We are who we are. People don't change."

Tali had officially stopped pretending as if she didn't know these things about me.

And so she said, "I know you. I understand your worldviews, your cynicism. When given the chance, people will always show you who they are. At their best, at their worst. You seemed to believe you had changed before. When you were with your ex. You were convinced you'd become more responsible. I don't think that's the case. You were just more willing to make a decision and stick with it. Even when that decision continued to bring you pain. Do you plan on doing the same thing with Miranda this time?"

"It's not the same…"

"Is it? You only seem to let go of someone after they're dead. Or when you grow bored of them. It's easier to kill them; to burn the bridge. Leave them behind—out of sight, out of mind. If you have to see them every day, then it's much different. That's why these fears of yours are coming up now. I can tell."

Ethereal, cerebral, I finally saw Liara's full reflection in this vid. Her reflection staring back at me.

The women on the screen—fighting for each other. Fighting against their other desires for other people.

Making themselves clear—for each other. Not letting up. Using sex as that perfect expression of love. Using their eroticism as their sole spoken language, speaking of their needs and regrets and hopes for the future, forever and ever. Those touches, knowing one another without a word.

"What are you saying, Tali? There's no hope for me? I can never be with anyone? Is that it?"

"What I'm saying is: I want you to bring Liara back for my sake. But I won't be surprised when you inevitably attract most of her attention. Even while she's angry at you over what happened. The truth is, Liara will always be in your life as a lover. Not just a friend. Whether you give into temptation or not, she will never give up on you. Not like before. I can assure you—no matter what happens, Liara won't be able to let you go."

---

Alone, I stood on a balcony, still within the pristine purity of the Presidium.

As I remained here, leaning over the balcony, resting my weighted weight over the railing, I wondered. Listening to my music, staring out at this lake, at the continuation of life all around, I kept on wondering.

Wondering if Saren was right about me all along.

Wondering, as I listened to this music Liara had gifted me, long ago. Years ago, around the time we'd first met. She'd given me this album as a thank you for saving her on Therum, and simply for being her leader. This album of otherworldly music from her homeworld. Atmospheric. Bass thriving in thoughtfulness. These electronic sounds. A woman's touch. Subtle vulnerability in emotionality. And the romantic, sacred, heavenly obsession woven through—angelic singing, angelic lyrics. Pure and true.

Just like Liara was. Even in her darkness. Even in her lies, her secrets. Even in her mistakes with me.

This multitude of her contradictions, I stewed over.

The mess of my own contradictions, I anguished over.

I had been avoiding this music before. Not on purpose. Not consciously. I hadn't wanted the reminders at the time. These reminders. How I had never really mourned her death. How I'd used my logic and anger as a hazard shield, blocking all of this away. How I had only fooled myself after these few months.

After all this time, Liara still had this impact on me. This power over me.

Liara had enough power to bring me to my knees. Destroying my perception of myself. Ruining the personal security I'd only thought I had before. I could have fallen. I could have, but I didn't. Not yet.

Not now.

Just a matter of time.

For now…I could breathe. I could function. I could remind myself to not fall into some other catastrophe.

Forcing myself to keep my word, I went to find Samara next. Keeping my word about meeting with everyone, speaking with everyone. Finding out what they needed. Setting my own ridiculousness aside. Getting to where I needed to go. The bookstore across the lake. The bookstore across this bridge. I had to meet with her. Another asari. At the worst possible time. No complaining. Complaining was useless.

All these fucking emotions kept colliding in me anyway. Too many of them. Too messy, too much. Because this was exactly why I put so much effort into being stoic, emotionless. Trying to avoid this mess. Avoid going back on my word. Avoid the pain and shame of not being in control of my own urges, my own wants and desires. This was why I'd spent so much energy avoiding people, avoiding attachments, to prevent something like this from happening. Not being able to fully let someone go when I should have, even after multiple attempts. From before I died, and after. Many, many attempts.

I resisted as much as I could.

Letting these emotions run their course, as Miranda had suggested, I still refused to put up with them.

I couldn't do this to her.

I couldn't hurt her with my weaknesses, my private indecision.

Days ago, I'd told Miranda that everything would be okay. I'd told her that everything would be all right.

I had told her.

I had told her.

I had promised her.

And she believed me. Even now, I felt her positivity glowing, radiating all throughout the Citadel.

But as I entered this store, breathing in this smell of old fashioned print books, I remembered myself.

This reminder, coming up again—of how much Miranda made me feel as if I didn't deserve her. Her willingness to bend over backward for me. Her willingness to sacrifice for me. Even now. Even when I didn't have everything figured out, like I should have. Like I was supposed to. And I hated the difference.

I'd sooner destroy myself before ever hurting Miranda like this.

Even if it meant falling on my sword while she continued to thrive. I refused to betray her like this. Because this felt different from the past. When I would waver. Despite my emotions going haywire, I knew—I had to keep my promises. I wasn't going to leave Miranda over this. My heart wouldn't stray.

So I kept walking. Searching the bookstore, past these windows with a fine view of the lake. And falling.

Eventually finding Samara sitting near one of those windows. Curled up with a few books, with a warm drink in her hand. Completely relaxed—or projecting as much—despite all she had been through in life.

Samara looked up from her book, finding me here. The outside sun shone in, brightening her gaze.

"There you are, Shepard," she said, with that calm I could've died for. "I am glad you joined me. I was just passing the time with my studies." Her studies: reading a copy of Justicar Heroes. "Before you ask, this is not necessarily for pleasure. I am checking this text for inaccuracies about my justicar contemporaries. I have located several so far. Dramatized for entertainment purposes. Predictably so."

"I understand," I replied. Sounding normal enough. "It's good that you're staying relaxed."

In that moment, Samara looked at me more carefully.

She found something in my eyes that I didn't want to show.

"Please sit with me," she requested, patting the space next to her.

Feeling a bit useless, I did as she said. I didn't like a member of my team seeing me like this. Not at all.

Samara remained considerate nonetheless. "I know why you are here, Commander. You're aware that I am still conducting my investigation. I do not expect to track down my target for quite some time. And even then, it will be best to give her a false sense of security. Allow her to make more mistakes at her next location. I cannot risk finding her while she is alert and paranoid. I must be methodical about this."

I remembered finding that evidence in the fugitive's room. Evidence linking her and Samara together.

I wasn't sure if now was the best time to bring it up. This seemed to be a pressure point.

"You are oddly pensive today," noted Samara. "Though I cannot blame you. There is a great burden you carry. From what I've observed, you are determined to carry it alone. Such is your honor, your duty."

"You must be the same," I pointed out. "That's what you do as a justicar."

"It is, though my burdens are designed to be carried alone. Yours are not. Not from what I've read."

"You mean the report about what happened. In the past. The drama from before you joined."

"Yes, the very same," confirmed Samara. "Such events were difficult to digest. I can't help but see those events reflected in your eyes. You do your best to project strength, certainly. But the most convincing strength comes from within. The strength to stand tall even when you want nothing more than to fall."

I insisted, "It's just one of those days, Samara."

"One of those days where you find yourself missing the deceased."

Despite this discomfort, I felt obligated to correct her—"Only one of them. Not both."

"The young scientist. Prothean expert. Ambitious. Troubled. Misguided. You feel responsible for her."

I was responsible.

"Commander, do you believe your past lover is worthy of redemption?"

"I don't think I'm the best person to answer that, Samara. I'm not exactly impartial."

"You may say this, yet I already sense your true answer. More so, I sense her here. Here with you. I felt no such thing upon our first meeting. Not even in the days that have passed since. This is brand new."

How did she know?

Giving a genuine smile, Samara said, "Dr. T'Soni has been waiting for you for quite some time. It would appear you are just now heeding her call. Better late than never, as the human saying goes. As for how I know this, the reason is simple. The two of you share a powerful bond. One that has not expired, even after her death. I believe my oath to you has fallen within her purview. They are not the same, your bond and our oath. Yet they coexist together nonetheless. She now safeguards the promises I made."

Hearing that from her, it helped me breathe. A little bit more.

Knowing Liara really was still out there, somewhere. Knowing she hadn't left. Knowing she was okay.

Wherever she was, I could imagine Liara still working. Still researching. Still putting her mind to use.

"It is comforting," noticed Samara. "Knowing that our loved ones carry on after death. The young doctor's case seems rather different. Though I expect the answers shall reveal themselves to you in due time. There is no need for you to fret. Unless there is something in particular that won't leave you be."

"I never mourned her death," I admitted. "Never took that time to remember her. To grieve. Not completely. Not as much as I should have. After everything that happened before, I was too pissed off. I just wanted to move on already."

"You worry that your emotions will catch up with you. Perhaps sometime soon."

"They're building up. Getting there. Soon, like you said."

Samara asked the pointed question, "Do you feel this will complicate your relationship with Miranda?"

"I don't think it'll complicate things. I have my own doubts about myself. But even in the face of all that, I can't see myself leaving her. I'm in too deep at this point. I'm more concerned about her seeing this."

"Showing weakness, as you believe."

"Yes…"

"My advice to you, Shepard: allow Miranda to see these weaknesses of yours. You are not doubting your relationship. You may be panicking, due to your emotions and memories rapidly rising to the surface. Yet I see no reason for Miranda to doubt you, in turn. I have not known either of you personally for very long. But your story together is one of grit, sacrifice, and resilience. This old warrior finds it moving."

Panicking…

"You have a point, Samara. Thanks for that."

"Of course," she said, smiling more. "As for Dr. T'Soni, continue forgiving her as you forgive yourself. That forgiveness will carry you through these next trials and tribulations. Panicking and resisting your emotions will not cause them to obey you. Listen to them instead. You shall find your peace once more."

"Might take me a few tries to put that into action."

"Trying is better than not attempting at all."

"You're right."

I sat with Samara for a while longer.

Thinking about what she'd said. Wondering how this would all play out.

I really needed to calm the fuck down. And not just as a temporary thing, placating. For real this time.

"Commander," spoke Samara. "If you must continue on and meet with Thane, I will understand. You needn't stay here with me overlong." I actually didn't want to meet up with him. My first impression of him still hadn't gone away. "I appreciate our talk, however. I know it is not easy for you to be as frank as you have been. I only hope you do not mind if I continue to monitor you. From a fair distance, that is."

"I don't mind," I accepted. "I appreciate you caring like this. I'm not used to it, that's all."

"All the more reason why I should. And I will. Thank you, Shepard."

Knowing Thane was also in this bookstore, I asked, "Do you know where he is?"

"I believe he is still within the Earth section. I was with Thane earlier, attempting to help him find a book. We were unsuccessful in our search, and decided to spend our time separately. I am not clear why Thane was so determined to find this particular book. Perhaps you will learn more, should you inquire."

"Looking for books from Earth, huh? That's…strange. I'll go find him, then. Thanks again, Samara."

Samara gave me one last smile, encouraging, before returning to her reading, sipping her warm drink.

Heading over to the books from Earth, I found Thane soon enough.

Standing near one of the bookshelves, with a sign overhead that read Renaissance Era, Thane continued his search. Wrists folded neatly behind his back, upper body moving from side to side with his search, he seemed pretty intent on finding this book. I couldn't help feeling I'd inspired this fervent search of his. As if his desired reading somehow had to do with me. First impressions between us so unalike.

"Commander, you are indeed skilled," said Thane, turning to greet me. "I'm afraid I didn't hear your approach. I only knew you were somewhere in the building—perhaps with Samara—upon feeling your shared energies together. It appears I have met my match with your abilities as an infiltrator."

"So, what are you doing?" I asked, glancing at the Renaissance literature all around:

Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet, Macbeth, The Tempest, Julius Caesar, Antony and Cleopatra—all by William Shakespeare, with several more of his works here. Paradise Lost by John Milton. Utopia by Thomas More. Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra. I'd read each of these at some point in school, except for The Tempest, which I'd of course found not that long ago. Searching the origins of Miranda's name with this play.

Thane responded, "I am looking for a certain text from this era. The primary sources from the Renaissance are quite numerous. For a time, I had gotten lost in the secondary sources—books written about the era itself. I then became engrossed in the collected works of Queen Elizabeth of England and Ireland. But this was not what I meant to find. I have restarted my search after losing myself earlier."

"Well, which book are you looking for? If it's popular enough, it should be here."

"It is a popular treatise on political theory. The Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli."

"That book is very…misunderstood, Thane. I hope you're looking for it for the right reasons."

Thane seemed surprised. "Is it truly misunderstood? How so?"

"Machiavelli talks about the differences between idealism and reality when gaining power and keeping power. How it's idealistic of us to want to live up to our potential as human beings. To do the right thing, always. But sometimes, doing the right thing will get you killed. And your enemies will take advantage of that idealism at some point, leading to your eventual downfall. You have to protect yourself from that."

"Then maintaining a balance between idealism and ruthlessness is important. Must it be genuine?"

"It's still important to have the appearance of goodwill and honor, to make sure the people respect you. At the same time, you need to be ruthless when it counts. No one said anything about whether it has to be genuine or not. Either way, being too idealistic or too ruthless will lead to downfall. The idealists get taken advantage of all the time. The too-ruthless leaders are hated and eventually get overthrown."

"Hmm, I see," mused Thane. "I admit I was swept up in the book's reputation. Machiavellianism as that typical ruthlessness. It would seem that reputation can be easily misunderstood. But it also seems you have described yourself with your explanations, Shepard. Hence why I wished to read this book at all."

"How exactly did I describe myself?" I asked.

"The balance you maintain between idealism and ruthlessness. You are an inspirational leader precisely because you do not tip the scales too often. When you do, it is for maximum effect. I believe you lean more toward a renegade personality. Yet it is unclear whether your paragon virtuousness is genuine or not. Perhaps you self-modulate your more virtuous behavior and decisions. Practicing social empathy on purpose."

I gave him a sharp look—warning him not to fuck with me like this.

Thane took a step back, entreating, "My apologies, Commander. That came out wrong. Terribly so."

"Then what did you really mean, Thane? What are you trying to say about me?"

"…I believe it is in my best interest to read this book before giving you my full answer."

I should've known—"Does this have something to do with the report you read? About the past."

"It is related to Miranda's detailed descriptions of events past, yes. She described you as Machiavellian."

"Do you think she meant the balance we just talked about? Or the evil Dark Triad personality traits?"

Thane wouldn't give me an answer.

Either he had misunderstood me, or he knew exactly who I was and still feared me anyway.

Glancing at the top-most shelf, I spotted the titular book itself—The Prince—right there, looking at me.

Reaching up, taller than Thane, I pulled the book out with ease. He wouldn't have been able to get to it himself. Too high over his head. Too far beyond his own reach. I gave the book to him. Annoyingly, Thane gave me a blank look in return. Blinking those large, dark eyes of his. Not knowing what to say.

Completely disregarding the point of my visit, I told him, "I'll see you back on the Normandy, Thane."

Leaving that annoyance behind, I left the bookstore. I sent Miranda a message, hoping to meet up with her soon. I needed to get the hell away from whatever had just happened. I didn't have the time—or the energy—to make sense of Thane's strangeness around me. I had enough shit going on today as it was.

---

Still on the Presidium at evening time, though the Citadel's manufactured sun continued to shine as daytime: Miranda asked me to meet her at Apollo's Café. To get something to eat, and drink, and to wind down from the day. And obviously to talk in-person about everything going on with me, finally.

Arriving near the Meridian Place shopping area, I found a decent amount of people here. Friends and families together, sitting along the benches. Sitting at extra tables around. Standing, mingling. Shopping at the kiosks downstairs. Gazing out to this closer, different view of the lake just nearby. No matter what went on with me, life on the Citadel continued. Everyone's pleasant day continued. Everyone's worries blew behind them in the faint breeze, with this peaceful reign ruling on across the elite of the galaxy.

This outdoor café had enough privacy for us, anyway. Even with plenty of bystanders looking this way.

Those pleasing clicks and thuds of Miranda's heels sounded along the ground behind me.

Pleasing more, Miranda came into my full view, smiling brighter and more beautiful than all.

"Shepard, darling," she murmured, kissing my jaw, skin heating. "There you are. I've missed you today."

This new pet name, her softly vibrant mood, and this midnight scent of her perfume had me wanting.

"I missed you, too…"

Miranda smiled more over my shyness. "Why don't we sit down and eat? We have a lot to talk about."

"Where did you want to sit?" I asked, looking around. "There's enough free tables closer to the lake. Should have some privacy. We can go over there if you'd like."

"That would be lovely, yes."

Leading the way, holding her hand, I walked with Miranda to the table she had her eye on. This short flight of steps down—I lifted her wrist upward, regal in intent. Chivalrous and considerate as my habits. She smiled more, then, knowing we had so many eyes on us. Even more as I helped her sit down first, before I took my own seat adjacent to her, next to her. I envied how the sun shined over her uniform, shaping the perfection of her body. Her poised posture, still somehow relaxed. Her presence with me.

We stayed here for a little while, enjoying the view. The conversation soon led to food, with Miranda already knowing what I wanted. As amused as she was—as predictable as I was—she decided we would share this inevitable salad. But she insisted that we both get cups of warm herbal tea. To relax over.

Miranda was the boss.

We went with her suggestions.

Sharing this meal together, I asked how Miranda's day went first. Shopping here on the Citadel with Mordin, EDI, and Legion for that combat sim project. Miranda was all too happy to tell me about the outing with them. As she spoke, her love for me felt beyond apparent. Such a pleasant lilt to her tone, the softness of her refined accent. The cadence of her voice, I followed right along with this metronome in my heart, rumbling in rhythm, at that same frequency. Even this look in her eyes, of steel blue that should've been so cold, so mechanical, unreachable. She wholly embraced me with her tender gaze.

Elsewhere, a distraction pulled me out of the moment.

Across the way, at the bar just up the steps, I took note of someone staring at us. The familiar, grumpy asari bartender there. Watching us in between her meager efforts to wipe down the bar's slick surface. I could've sworn I'd seen her somewhere before. Wasn't she on Illium? Eternity. Was she following us?

"Shepard," said Miranda, easing my attention back. "Is something wrong? I lost you for a moment."

"It's probably nothing," I told her.

"Probably?"

"Not a big deal," I tried again. "Have you ever been here before? To this café."

"Mmm, a few times. The name holds a certain appeal for me."

"Apollo? The Greek god of the sun."

"Yes, the very same," she replied, good mood returning. "This goes back to our first date in San Diego. When I told you about my past. The scare I had, when I thought I might've been sterile."

"You said…you had a name picked out and everything. That's why it was so devastating at the time."

Sipping her warm tea, Miranda gave me a look from behind her cup.

Smoldering, steaming. Exactly like the herbal essence passing her lips.

Suddenly thirsty, I licked my own lips. Her full meaning passed through me, filling my chest with nerves.

Reminding me all over again—of my resolve, my refusals—I let this meaning sink in. These private fears accosted me anyway. Not wondering if I would ever take that step with Miranda, but when. And even when we did, the risks could have undone me. If the war was still on, would I run away with them? Run away if things reached that point. Hiding to survive and protect them. Forgetting about the invasion.

These fluttering fears of mine definitely put my earlier panicking into perspective.

Oblivious to my thoughts, Miranda continued on, "If not Apollo, then Adonis would be nice. It's quite a distinguished name with a distinguished meaning. Maybe a little pretentious. But, all things considered, that's difficult to escape with me." Her additional meaning pulled at me again. "So, then, what's going on with you? I've felt your emotions crashing around all day long. What started all of this?"

"Well, there are two stages," I began.

"Two stages," repeated Miranda, engaged and intrigued. "All right. Take me through them."

"I found EDI in Chora's Den earlier today. She asked me about Liara. Then that led to EDI wondering about my priorities. Asking why I never dedicated any resources…to bringing Liara back. Back to life."

I'd expected this talk to go horribly wrong.

I'd expected to ruin Miranda's good mood.

Instead, this pause only reinforced her thinking from today. She considered my words, carefully, but she found no harm in them. She listened to me without panicking. She stayed steady.

"Go on," she requested.

"EDI thinks it's possible. Through Insomnia. She said I should ask you about it, since you might know more. And then, at the movies, Tali asked me for a favor. I feel obligated to do it. After what happened."

Miranda understood. "Tali asked you to bring Liara back."

"Yes…she did."

"Hmm, how fascinating," she remarked. Sitting back in her chair, legs crossed, Miranda speculated out loud: "It's quite feasible, actually. Through Insomnia. I would assume EDI arrived to this conclusion based on the nature of Liara's bond with you. I need more details. What exactly did she say about this?"

"It's that bond, like you said. Liara's death was probably unconventional. Her life force exists within me. In my mind. The unconscious reaches of my mind. Without that VR game, this wouldn't be possible."

"I see what EDI means now. In that case, we should be able to enter Insomnia and find Liara directly. Since she's an incredible exception, her omni-tool should work the same as ours. Just make sure she's with one of us, at minimum, when quitting the game. She'll appear back in 'real life', the same way we did when we left Insomnia before. But something tells me we won't be able to do this right away."

Miranda made it sound so simple.

After all this time, this possibility had evaded me, the both of us. Yet here we were, so close to change.

"Why not?" I asked. "Do we need to wait first?"

"I don't think it's about waiting. Remember, Insomnia changes over time. It changes with you while we're not actively playing. So I want you to keep this feeling in mind. Allow it to simmer. Hopefully, the next time we enter, Liara's location will no longer be hidden to us. Or perhaps it was really in plain sight, and we simply never noticed it. Once enough time passes, we'll re-enter the game and go find her."

"Okay…how much time do you think needs to pass?"

"That depends," said Miranda. "You spoke with everyone today. In your opinion, whose personal mission sounds the most urgent?"

"Garrus," I replied. "He wants to head to Palaven for his mission. After we wrap up Eden Prime."

"Then we'll return to Insomnia after we finish his mission. Find Liara's location. Bring her back with us."

"All right, but—aren't you worried?"

Miranda gave me an easy smile. "No, Shepard. I'm not worried."

I wanted to know, "Then how did you view her before? What did you think of her? The two of you only talked in-person that one day."

"Mmm, we did. I'd hoped to be Liara's friend. If nothing else. During the Lazarus Project, I dreamt about her quite often. She would reassure me that I was on the right track. Encouraging me to take those risks. To do what I did for you in the end. Now that we have insomnia, I haven't seen her since."

"Even knowing my history with her…you aren't concerned?"

Miranda kept an air of sophisticated wisdom about her. "Well, I take it you've been agonizing over this. You never really took the time to remember her. To process things. We were off to the mission, off on our date, off on our journey of taking our time together. And now we're in a relationship. I'm wondering if you have any regrets with me. Any second-thoughts. I already know the answer. I only want to hear you say it."

"None."

"And that's why I'm not worried."

She saw enough of my weaknesses:

I felt the true beginnings of that sensation—everything hitting me.

But I pushed it back. I was able to do it. Push this back to a more convenient time. Stave it off for now.

Not for much longer.

"Shepard," she whispered, leaning closer to me. "I feel you with me. I know you're not straying. I know you don't plan on leaving me over this. Leaving me for her. Leaving me behind. You wouldn't do that."

"Babe, of course I wouldn't…"

Reaching across, Miranda picked up my fork. "Then it's all right," she soothed. Forking some of the salad left on our plate, she brought it to my mouth. Accepting her care, I let her feed me. "I still need to think things over. Again, not in a bad way." As I chewed, Miranda brought her lips to my jaw again. Watching this food fill me; glad that I had this sustenance. "You are the light of my life. That will never change."

She touched my skin, heating with embarrassment again.

So many eyes on us.

Miranda laughed softly in my ear. "Let them stare."

Making a point, she gave me my tea, holding the cup with both hands. Making sure I accepted this from her; making sure that I drank this herbal heat. Making sure I had everything that I needed in this way.

Then Miranda stood up, by my side. She leaned down a bit. Wrapping her arms around my shoulders, around my head. Gently tangling her presence around me. She kept me close to her, insulating. Hiding me away from those eyes, that other attention. Submerging me into her heat, her care, her perfume.

"Your emotions will catch up in time," she whispered. "But I don't want you to worry. You can miss her. Lust after her. Want her. However you feel is valid. I won't judge you, or get upset." Miranda knew she had my throat stinging—stinging from this weakness I swallowed back. "Whatever happens, we'll figure this out. Just remember, I'm here if you need me. I'm not going anywhere, either. You know that."

More reassurances Miranda gave me, about going home. Seeing the sun. Spending time together on the beach. And me showing her that particular something I talked about, from my hometown. Her kindness radiated everywhere, warming me more in her hold. Her exact bond with me, melding us together on-lock—mind-to-mind, heart-to-heart. And these whispers of her sun, as only I was. Privileged to live under her, over her. Solar dynamics reaching high.