"While We're Young" by Jhené Aiko
XLVI. Sunny San Diego
(Shepard)
Landing back at my hometown, a few days into April, I finally appreciated the springtime. Perfection of these blue skies, cloudless and free. Persistence of the sun's rays shining down on my team, just as we exited the Alliance's Coronado base together, where we'd docked the Normandy. And the purity of the day, the clarity all around, of such cleanliness and moderate temperatures. Gentleness of the breeze and the smiling warmth of the sun—much like Miranda with me, her hand in mine as we walked together. Her easy mood hadn't left her in these recent days. This same ease about her, I felt all around.
And this fresh smell of the San Diego Bay nearby encapsulated everything.
That glittering blue greeted us along the horizon, as the team split up for the time being. Agreeing to meet up at the beach later, Zaeed, Mordin, Legion, Thane, Kasumi, EDI, and Samara went off own their own, mostly to take a look around town. Meanwhile, Miranda stayed with me, along with Tali, Garrus, Kaidan, Joker, and Jack. We made our way to the monorail station together. Heading back to my apartment first, I'd show everyone my place, and then pick up my car. We'd then drive to that beach to hang out with everyone for a while. I expected to meet up with Lieutenant Vega sometime afterward.
In the meantime, we left the Normandy at the Alliance base. I gave their technicians and engineers the go-ahead to help install a few upgrades for the ship. Improved kinetic barriers, that Thanix cannon Garrus had recommended to me some time ago, and a few other bits and pieces. Having those Alliance people back aboard inspired an idea in me. After the mission, I definitely needed to bring the ship back again—not just for upgrades, but for complete retrofits. I refused to fight against the Reapers while flying a Cerberus frigate with the Illusive Man's tech, and eyes, everywhere. I wanted my Alliance ship back. So as soon as the suicide mission was over, I planned on making this Coronado base our first stop.
I accepted the hypocrisy of my thinking:
Leading Miranda by her hand, we found a seat on this monorail car. I let her sit by the window, as she'd requested earlier, and sat next to her. As she gazed out at the preliminary view of the city, Tali took the free seat next to me. Jack and the guys populated the nearby spaces, talking together and joking around. We'd attracted a lot of attention. For obvious reasons—with everyone recognizing that I was back home with my team. Because the others had this jovial ease about them, not really staying confined to their seats as they interacted with each other. Sitting together, across the aisle, goofing off; messing around, almost like kids on a school bus. They smiled as much as the sun did as the monorail car took off.
At the very least, I was glad that Tali's mood had improved. Much like the elevation of this car taking us over the bay, I heard the rise in her mood through her voice. That smile behind her mask—Tali joined in on everyone's conversation like normal. With my promise from the other day, I'd secured Tali's peace of mind. Maybe not her renewed loyalty, but it was enough for now. She and Jack could even talk to each other like regular friends. No awkwardness or strained sexual tension. They were cool with one another.
The only one missing was Liara.
I could only set this aside for so long. I had the willpower today.
Tomorrow was another story.
Today, on this day, I accepted the bombast, the breeze of it all.
I could stay neutral enough, enjoying this time. Enjoying the way my team took in the sights of my home's neighborhood once we arrived. Packed, dense, livable, and always with that gold beaming everywhere, from the windows to the street lamps to the signs everywhere. I liked how Tali and the others took in this novelty, finally seeing where I chose to live. I liked hearing their comments, how impressed they were by the lobby to my apartment complex. I liked that Miranda was so relaxed with me, here by my side, enjoying this as much as I did. If not more. But still she kept a close watch on me.
Heading up this elevator to the 34th floor, I felt Miranda's fixations on me. Not too obvious. Not too obtrusive, so as to give anything away. Everyone else kept on with their conversations. They didn't suspect a thing. They didn't see or notice this internal clock ticking down for me. Down to the worst.
Down this hallway to my door, I remembered my past secrets. Almost sneaking around. Around my birthday that time, arriving to the city after Thessia. How I hadn't invited Ashley here on my own. I'd purposely asked Liara to come over. For us to spend time together; get to know each other again, after I'd already told Ash that I would make her mine. Yet I'd still chosen to bring Liara back to my place anyway. I'd chosen to show her around the city, the places I was from. I'd chosen to bring her here again, while we'd still had time, for us to sit in my room and talk. Getting so very close to sex—enough that I'd taken her clothes off, making her the first woman to ever be like that in my bed. But I'd stopped.
Stopped because of the guilt—from fooling around, from almost getting into trouble.
Stopped because I'd known what would happen if we'd gone through with it.
That still hadn't stopped me from wanting Liara long after the fact.
"Welcome home, Commander Shepard."
Hearing this greeting from my VI, I linked that soothing to her. Her own voice. What I remembered.
"Holy shit!" said Jack. "Shepard, your apartment's fucking huge! Look at this place!"
Garrus complimented, "It's pretty nice, that's for sure. I'm impressed."
"Same here," agreed Kaidan. "Mind if we take a look around?"
Instinctually, I responded, "Go ahead."
Joker grinned, leading the others ahead. "You know what, Commander? This isn't too far off from what I pictured. Sniper rifles, tons of video games, nice furniture, awesome interior design. It's very—you."
Automatic, Tali gravitated to the guest room. I expected her to find Liara's picture with me on my desk.
But I couldn't let myself focus on that. Dwelling on those faraway thoughts only pulled me away. Away from this day. Too far away from Miranda. Now wasn't the time. Not until I couldn't resist it anymore.
Heading to the couch with Miranda, we sat down, to take a breather. As I needed. Not her. She was thoughtful enough to not make a big deal out of it. We had some privacy, for a bit, while the others looked around. They knew not to go down the hallway, as that led to my room. Sticking to the guest room, the kitchen, and the living room space around, they took in the sights, this feeling. This feeling of my home that had kept me for over a decade. Kept me together, kept me out of trouble. Kept me safe.
Just as Miranda did now, leaning on me like this.
"Mmm, this is different," she mentioned. "Having them around. Here in your home. It almost seems as if your apartment isn't used to having this many guests. Do you feel awkward at all?"
"A little bit," I replied. Using my omni-tool, I turned on the TV for some white noise. "That should help."
Miranda smiled over the fashion program currently on.
I asked her, "So what did you want to do today? Aside from going to the beach with everyone else."
"I'm not sure, actually," she admitted. "Which beach are we going to?"
"La Jolla Shores. It's a pretty nice area a little farther out from here. There's a lot to do over there."
"I'd like that a lot. It sounds wonderful, really. Although, since we're back in San Diego, I'm assuming you're not taking me to Mister A's. The one here. Not so soon after we went to the one on Illium."
Warmed by the memory, I told her, "Not this time, babe. Later on, we will. I plan on it."
"I'll hold you to that. And when will you show me that certain something here in your hometown?"
"Tomorrow night," I decided.
Miranda wondered, "Hmm, does it have to be at night?"
"It needs to be. We don't have to do anything during the day before then. Just relax while we can."
And I said that, knowing what my panicking had scheduled for tomorrow. No escape.
When the others wandered somewhere behind the couch, talking about my video game collection—how impressed they were—I felt a shift somewhere. Somewhere in me, needing a minute. Needing to get away. Not used to having this many people in my apartment. Not sure how to exist in my own space with this many voices behind me. Especially with my emotions going haywire lately. Introverted, with only so much energy to expend with people, I needed to replenish my reserves sooner rather than later.
Considerate as always, Miranda moved closer to me, settling her hand over my arm. Gentle, supportive.
She then whispered in my ear, "Go ahead to your bedroom. Get changed, take a moment. Recharge. Let me play host while you do that. I'll see if the others would like a drink or something."
"You sure?"
"Yes, of course I am. I'll take care of it. We can head off whenever you're ready."
Subtle enough, I settled my lips over her forehead. Thanking Miranda this way. She gave a sound of satisfaction, before letting me stand from the couch, watching me walk down the hall to my room.
As I went, I ran my hand through my hair, along the top of my head. Ruffling, fanning myself. Fanning away this anxiety dripping down my scalp, down my skin, down my sanity. Pushing myself and locking myself to this persona—it all proved much harder to do on a day like this.
Still, I found enough peace again, alone in the quiet of my bedroom. Cleanliness. Order. Familiarity in this stillness, of these calming browns and subtle golds everywhere. Everything perfectly untouched from the last time I was here with Miranda those weeks ago. Almost two months to the day when we'd first arrived together, after all that had gone down on the Normandy. The lasting touch of the everlasting light outside found me, even in the sunlight. Not as much as it permeated at night. Enough to relax me, with this simple reminder of home. Exactly as I needed, replenishing my reserves already.
I went over to my holo-closet, changing out of my Alliance fatigues.
Getting out of that mindset: being on the mission, being a marine, being who I was supposed to be. I wanted to let that go for a little while. At least until we had to leave again. So I settled on a respectable change. White button-down shirt, pressed and steamed already. Dark jeans for the contrast. Pointed leather boots, running high enough up my ankles to keep any sand from getting in on the beach. Finding my brush nearby, I ran these bristles through my hair, feeling almost like a massage against my scalp. A much-needed massage, easing this anxiety away. Even as I heard laughter echoing from down the hall.
And as I kept brushing my hair, I noticed something off about my room.
My windowsill seemed empty. This particular one that used to have Liara's picture with me. The nightstands, too. Both of them. I had nothing there anymore. Nothing of Ashley with me. Nothing at all.
Spritzing some cologne on, I replaced that emptiness with this sense of me.
This sense of me, this scent that I'd first picked up to impress Miranda with. To distinguish from the past.
Distinguished with my easier mood for the day, I left my room. Leaving with everyone to my car. Leaving to the beach, to that eternal sunlight. Spending this time with Miranda, this spring while we were young.
Palm trees all around, swaying in the light breeze. Pearl white shores of sand lining for miles; the deep, deep blue ebbing and flowing of the sea. Waters perfectly clean. Gleaming in a sheen. And the city's many towers scraping the sea and skies alike, glimmering in those darkened chromes in the sunlight.
Driving my car to the parking lot nearest the shore, I found myself breathing easier.
Even with Tali and the others sitting in the backseat—almost stacked on top of each other, funnily enough—I was ready for the rest of the day. With Miranda sitting next to me, she gave off that same infectious ease about her, lending some to me. I wondered how exactly she planned on enjoying the beach in that Cerberus uniform of hers. Not that we were going in the water or anything. I'd never risk getting my hair wet like that. Just being here with Miranda was more than good enough for me.
And we had that, shared that on the beach, walking around together. Holding hands. Staying with each other. Having this closeness to our stride. Having this unspoken between us—the subtlety of Miranda's smile and mine. That shine of her Miranda's crystalline eyes in the sunlight, and the smoother one of her lips, the slight gloss there. Completely mesmerizing. She helped me forget the rest; what I didn't need.
The rest of the team eventually made their way here. Over time, I saw Zaeed, Mordin, Samara, and everyone else spread along the shore. Joker and Kaidan had already kicked back together, sitting somewhere in the center of the sand—clearly having a serious conversation about something. Kasumi was…here but not here. Cloaked and meandering around—before Jack found her, asking Kasumi why she was like this. Thane and Samara talked together while also sitting side by side—and I assumed Thane was perfectly fine with the dry heat here, not humid at all, as he required. Tali and Garrus had wandered closer to the shore, amusing themselves with the tides. Mordin wasn't too far away from them, seemingly studying the seashells over there. Zaeed stood by himself a ways away—well over by the long, raised pier off in the distance—probably thinking over his latest situation. Understandably so.
Interacting with one another, Legion and EDI remained a fair distance away from the water. I wasn't sure just how water-proof their platforms were, if at all. Better to not take the risk.
Miranda's voice smoothed over my senses. "So, you seem to be in a better mood."
"Maybe," I allowed, staring down at our synced steps. "I've never done this before. I like it a lot."
"You've never held someone's hand and gone for a walk on the beach?"
"I haven't. You're my first. In a lot of ways."
"Well, it is special," she mused, glancing at the people all around. "This city is your home. I'd want you to take me out like this. At least once. I enjoy being your first in this way. Every way, really."
"Speaking of taking you out," I remembered. "I was wondering…if you wanted to go to a certain club."
Miranda knew. "You mean the 94."
"Doesn't have to be tonight. I just figured, since it's such an important place, maybe you had it in mind."
"I do, actually. Perhaps we could go tomorrow evening. After our other plans for the night."
Miranda was really curious about these other plans.
"We can do that," I accepted. "If you're still up for it by then."
"You mean I might not be?"
"It's possible. We'll have to wait and see."
Curious and all, I brought Miranda closer to the shore. Stepping across these generous mounds of sand, I knew she had her eye on Mordin now, what he was doing. She soon asked Mordin just that—trying to figure out why he'd devoted his free time to running tests on seashells. Mordin was all too happy to answer Miranda's questions, soon roping her into a conversation about the whole thing. I barely paid attention, more caught up with Garrus and Tali's discussion just nearby. They seemed concerned about how serious Kaidan and Joker's discussion was, wondering what was going on over there. Garrus decided to go investigate, promising to provide Tali with an update soon. And Tali remained close to the shore, taking a seat over the sand now. Thinking; gazing out to the sea. Half-worried about the others.
More worried about other things, other concerns. Such obvious worries and concerns after our last talk.
Bent legs pulled to her chest, arms wrapped around, she seemed more or less okay. But I knew better.
Mindful of the waters moving along the shore, I went over to Tali's side.
Tali looked up at me, like looking up at the faraway sky.
"Hey, Tali."
"Hello, Shepard," she said. "I'm glad you brought us here. Your beaches are very beautiful. It'll be nice to have these memories once we leave for Eden Prime. I'll want to carry them with me for the fight."
"You sound kind of nostalgic," I noticed. "Does Rannoch have a lot of beaches, too?"
"It does, but they're not quite the same. My homeworld has more of a rocky terrain. Several seas and different marine life. Our ecological systems are nothing like the ones around us now. I enjoy seeing the differences for myself. Especially since I've only been able to read about my homeworld secondhand."
"Well, I'm happy I could show you something new."
Tali caught the way I ended my words.
I had no idea if we were actually on better terms or not.
Yeah, I'd made those promises the other day on the Citadel, during the vid.
I wasn't sure if that was enough for her. Or if that was only a one-off thing. If I had more work to do.
Generously, Tali beckoned me over. "Come sit with me, Shepard. We should talk, shouldn't we?"
Sitting down over the sand next to her, I definitely agreed. But I couldn't make myself say as much.
"This is—difficult," she admitted. Tali sighed in-time with the waters brushing along the shore. "You and Miranda are going strong together. And I'm happy for you both. I worried what I might stir up with my request, about Liara. It was selfish of me to ask. But you seem to be all right. Or am I wrong about that?"
"I'm having…more of a mixed reaction."
"When you put it that way, it makes me worry about you."
With Miranda and Mordin still engaged in conversation, seashells on full display, I had to stay right here.
Right here in this moment, with Tali showing me her worry. Unable to escape her care for me, unhidden.
"Tali, you don't need to worry about me," I insisted. "It's a nice day out. We should set all of this aside."
"Really, Shepard?" she questioned. "That sounds nothing like you. It's not helping either of us. At all."
"I know. But all I can do is see what happens from here. I'm not sure what else you want me to say."
"I want you to tell me what's been on your mind. About this. Specifically."
"You already know the answer to that," I evaded.
Tali put two and two together. "And yet you still plan on trying. Trying to be with Miranda properly."
"Yeah, that is the plan. Miranda's worth it. Even if I'm not completely convinced I'm worthy of her."
"Well…for the record, I think the two of you will be fine. The memories will be tricky to deal with. Going to Eden Prime; finding this Prothean artifact without Liara there. I wish she could be with us for the mission. She'd want to see this artifact, whatever it is. I'm sure Garrus will be thinking of her, too. Kaidan's done his best not to mention Ashley around us. I already know he's been remembering her."
"I don't blame him for it," I said. "They were close back in the day."
Tali wondered, "You don't miss her at all?"
"Not like that."
"So it's just Liara, then."
"Yeah…just Liara," I agreed. And I remembered Miranda's words from the other day. "You could say she's something of an executive in my mind. Always has been, despite how many times I've tried convincing myself otherwise. You are, too, for that matter. You, Liara, Miranda. Probably the guys as well—if not in the same ways. I know I keep my distance a lot of the time. But you each have this place."
"This place in your mind, hm? We each have our own roles, working to keep you going as our captain?"
I shrugged. "If you wanna put it that way, sure."
Tali giggled.
"Yes, I like the sound of it. I like knowing that we matter. That we're important to you. You trust us. After how long you've spent on your own, I'm happy you've given us these roles of ours. It may take a while longer for you to trust the newer members of the team. Hopefully things will improve over time."
I wasn't too sure about that. "Yeah, we'll see…"
Giving me a once-over, Tali seemed to have something else on her mind. Something else she wanted to discuss. Something I wished she would say already—instead of just looking at me. Staring now, really.
"What is it, Tali?"
"It's nothing," she claimed. "I just…enjoy seeing you like this. Outside the ship. Seeing your apartment, how you live. Sitting in the back of your car while you drove us here to the beach, with that special music of yours blasting the way it did. Seeing you now: how you dress, how nice your cologne smells, how handsome and beautiful you are. How you hold yourself with such confidence. How you keep it together with everything going on. You're completely different from anyone I've ever known. I guess that's why… This hasn't gone away."
I asked the only thing I could, "Does it bother you?"
Tali answered, "Not anymore. I've accepted the way things are. Maybe it's why I'm latching onto this memory of Liara now. If you really are able to bring her back, I think we would all be better off. It wouldn't just be me. I can only hope it won't cause too much trouble for you. That isn't what I want."
"I appreciate that, Tali. We'll have to wait and see. It's all we can do at this point. I should be fine."
"Hmm. I'll take your word for it, then."
Hearing the sounds of approaching footsteps in the sand, I stood up on instinct.
Joker, Garrus, Kaidan, and Jack came over to us.
I helped Tali up with me, wondering what this was about.
"Hey, Shepard!" said Jack. "Where're we going next? What's the plan? We gonna stay somewhere near here? 'Cause this beach is pretty damn good."
Joker agreed, "Yeah, what she said."
Kaidan added, "Seriously, this place is the best! Think we could go to those tourist things nearby? Like the aquarium."
"Being a tourist for the day sounds nice," decided Garrus.
I didn't really have plans for today that included all of them…
Noticing my dilemma, Miranda came over to us. "What's going on? Are we leaving now?"
Jack decided for me—"Whenever Shepard says we're leaving, yeah. Wherever we're going. Right?"
Tali also noticed I was at a loss.
I'd assumed they would all go off on their way at some point. Leaving me to spend the rest of the day with Miranda, wherever she felt like going. But apparently, they all wanted us to stay together. Tali included, despite what she saw of me. She had her hopes, too. So I had to figure out a solution here.
"Hold on," I told them, checking my omni-tool.
Teeming with excitement, Joker, Jack, Kaidan, and Garrus started speculating among themselves. Wondering what else the day had in-store. Imagining what else my hometown had to offer them. Tali humored their conversations as well, pretending not to notice the clear disruptions to my itinerary. Amused by my situation, Miranda listened in on the talks, chiming in every so often. Staying next to me.
Since they wanted to be tourists, I tried to think of a good fit. I personally didn't want to be a tourist in my own city. So I searched my omni-tool for a compromise. Remembering with my search: I recalled one of San Diego's classic landmarks nearby—and still on the beach. One I hadn't been to in a long while. It was supposed to be high tide soon, all throughout the evening. Just what I needed to make this work.
"All right, I found something," I announced. "There's this place not too far from here, still on La Jolla Shores. It's called the Marine Room. We can go there for happy hour. Starts in a few minutes."
"The Marine Room?" echoed Kaidan. "What is that? Some sort of military place? Marines, like us."
"Not at all. You'll see."
Jack said, "Hell, I'm down for some drinks. Bring it on!"
Joker told me, "Hey, Commander, all this mystery's kind of exciting. You should do this more often!"
Everyone else agreed, following behind as I led the way back to my car. They all speculated again.
Linking her arm through mine, Miranda teased me a bit. "Stuck playing host this time, hm?"
I sighed. "Looks like it."
"Well, I'm sure we'll enjoy whatever you've picked out. I know I certainly will. This Marine Room sounds fascinating already. I have a few ideas in mind about what it might be. As do the others by now."
"I'm hoping you like it, yes. No guarantees."
"Shepard, you can give yourself more credit than that. Your sense of taste is impeccable. Truly, it is."
As yet another curveball today, I received an alert to my omni-tool. An email—not from the Council yet, thankfully. But instead one from James, already. I'd planned on him contacting me at some point today. But not while I was supposed to be playing host like this. Yet another issue to figure out in a short time.
From: Vega, Lieutenant – Ready to go.
Commander,
Sorry for the wait. I'm finally ready to head out if you are. Think we could meet up sometime soon? I know we're supposed to be on standby and all, until the Council gives us the go-ahead. Wouldn't mind meeting you today, though. Been a while since we last saw each other at the Super Bowl. You know.
Something tells me a lot's changed since then. Or maybe I'm wrong. You tell me. I'd sure like to know.
-James
.
To: Vega, Lieutenant – Re: Ready to go.
Lieutenant,
I understand about the wait. We're technically on shore leave until the Council contacts me. I'm currently with some of my team right now. We're on our way to the Marine Room for happy hour. You're free to join us if you'd like. We're just a short drive away. Whenever you can get there would be fine. I'm paying for everyone, so don't worry about money.
Yes, a lot has changed since then. You'll find out just how much after you join up. It's better this way.
-Shepard
.
From: Vega, Lieutenant – Re: Ready to go.
Commander,
Oh, shit, the Marine Room? Up in La Jolla Shores? Well aren't you fancy? Glad you're paying!
I'm just kidding. I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm way down in San Ysidro. You know what this traffic's like.
Looking forward to meeting your team, too.
-James
Situated a little closer to the Underwater Park, I drove Miranda and the others to the Marine Room's location. Not an actual park underwater—just the designated area for people who liked scuba diving and snorkeling, here at the La Jolla Bay. That same bay provided the exact novelty I planned for, with our particular trip to this particular restaurant. Several other restaurants and hotels populated the space a few blocks away, with various resorts and high-end, members-only clubs closer to the Room itself. All that competition couldn't come close to what this place meant to the city, as a landmark. The Marine Room had endured after all these years, while I could barely remember the names of whichever new restaurants had popped up down the block. That endurance still meant something to me even now.
Red-orange of the sturdy tile roofs came into view first. The Marine Room was nowhere near as tall as the buildings nearby and in the distance. But it didn't need to be. Sitting right on the surf of the shores, the windows and walls withstood the growing tides ebbing against the surfaces. And the people currently inside the building had a front-row view to the natural spectacle, all while they ate their meals or drank their wines and champagnes. This should have been dangerous. But the building was risk-proof.
As soon as Miranda and the others saw it for themselves, they had their own reactions. Their own excitement. Their own curiosities. Each wanting to see the action up-close. I touched down with my car, parking us close by. And then we made the short walk to the restaurant itself.
Inside, the Marine Room looked just as I remembered it. This feel of sophistication in a beach house, the softness of the white interior, and the shadowed contrast of the darker flooring. The elevation started right away, entering the building at the top floor. Giving us this overview of everyone seated at their tables together, with the full light of the sunny day shining in. As ever, I felt an easygoing vibe all around. More family-oriented than I was used to. But no kids running around or anything. Orderly.
I walked with Miranda, Tali, Garrus, Kaidan, Jack, and Joker downstairs, watching their varied surprise at the scenes. The high tide crashed against the windows in a controlled sense of chaos. The tide shadowed the windows for mere seconds, before receding back to the sea, waiting for the rhythm to repeat again. Anyone sitting closest to the windows—some of them jumped in a minor fright, laughing with nerves.
"Look at those tides!" said Kaidan. "It's like the windows are made of steel… Wow!"
Miranda sounded satisfied. "How dramatic. Though I have to say, I enjoy this already. I adore the view."
Tali, Garrus, and Jack each had a quiet awe about them, soaking everything in. Figuratively speaking.
Joker asked me, "Shepard, how'd you even know about this place? It's frickin' bonkers—in a good way!"
Kaidan wondered, "Commander, do you know the history of this building? Like when it was first built?"
I guided everyone to the happy hour lounge, explaining, "It's been around for centuries. I want to say since World War II. Back then, there weren't many regulations about how far the buildings had to be from the shore line. They could get away with it at the time. No one else can do the same these days."
"That's some amazing trivia. Has the sea water ever burst through at all? Not recently, I hope."
"Once, a long time ago. Hasn't happened since. The windows are pretty tough now. We'll be safe here."
We sat down at a table together at the oceanfront lounge.
The others took such careful note of my manners, helping Miranda into her chair first, before anything. I felt their specific attention on me—and Miranda with me—while we all spent this time together. They paid attention to every little detail. How close Miranda sat next to me. Her ease with me; how she let me order glasses of Pinot Noir for us both. To deflect from this attention, I tried explaining the menu: the French-inspired cuisine, with a global touch. Yet still with a distinctively local signature about it.
And there were plenty of dextro options for Garrus and Tali—as necessary. I wouldn't have brought them here otherwise. They seemed glad to see me include them. Though they weren't too surprised.
After a little while, the high tide rushing against the windows kept everyone distracted enough. Distracted, so as to not pay such excessive attention to Miranda sitting next to me, the two of us together. Every so often, I'd notice one of them staring a little too hard whenever I made Miranda smile or laugh a bit. But I guessed this was manageable enough. I tried not to blame them for their curiosities. Natural and all.
The team relaxed a little more as time went on, as the drinks went on.
No one even made a big deal once I lounged my arm around Miranda's shoulders. Calming, tranquil.
Miranda's mood definitely improved over my gesture. Even in such subtle ways, as reserved as she was.
Joker, Kaidan, Tali, and Garrus amused themselves by staring out the window—commentating on all the people surfing across the way. Meanwhile, Jack and Miranda held a conversation. Maybe an unexpected one, with the others possibly listening in. They were still distracted enough. With nothing going on until James arrived, I eavesdropped, keeping my arm around Miranda's shoulders; sipping my glass of wine.
Subtly leaning into me more, Miranda asked, "Doesn't your mother live in Los Angeles?"
"Yeah, apparently," replied Jack. "She's one of those fancy doctors. Some kinda biotic-brain surgeon. Makes a ton of money. Bet she'd fit right in here, in a place like this. It got me thinking, you know?"
"Perhaps you should go see her."
"You mean now?! Like, today?"
"I don't see why not."
Jack protested, "That's…way too involved. We're gonna be leaving soon, aren't we? Why the hell would I do that? Put myself through all that emotional shit. Right before a mission? Are you smoking or what?"
Contented by me, Miranda curled back her smile. "I'm not smoking anything, Jack. I don't do that."
"Uh-huh," said Jack, eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Anyway. I was thinking of going up there tonight. Not to actually see my Mom. Just to, like, scope out her house or something. It'll be like a stakeout! Kasumi offered to join up. She's gonna give me some tips. That's as far as it'll get with me… At least for now."
"Well, I encourage you to do so. Maybe it will lead to something more in the future. You never know."
Meanwhile, Kaidan and the others carried on a similar conversation of their own across from us.
"I think I will, actually," he said. "Doesn't take too long to get to Vancouver from where we are now. Pretty short trip from the Coronado base. Figured I might head up home after dinner. Visit my parents. See how they're doing. Ideally make my way back down tomorrow. You're free to join me if you'd like."
Joker agreed, "Yeah, we should. Heck, I haven't been up to Canada in who knows how long."
"I'd love to see where you're from," said Tali. "Or just seeing more of Earth in general."
Garrus asked, "Say, Kaidan, is it true what humans say about Canadians?"
"Dude, Garrus," complained Joker. "Do not get him started on that crap!"
"Sorry, not sure I follow," apologized Kaidan. "There are a few stereotypes. Which ones do you mean?"
None of them seemed to notice the irony.
Upstairs by the entrance, I spotted James there, looking around. The bronze complexion of his skin and the military quality of his haircut stood out to me. And I saw those other, undeniable tells about him: his muscles rippling through the tight gray of his Alliance shirt, the sharp styles of his tattoos protruding from his neckline, and just his overall stature. Not quite hulking—he was somehow shorter than me—but enough to startle a few other customers walking by him. So I knew I had to get over to him soon.
I smoothed my hand down Miranda's shoulder, signaling enough.
Miranda gave a low, soft hum of acknowledgment, signaling enough right back. Still speaking with Jack.
Leaving my seat, I went to meet James upstairs. Far enough away for us to have a real conversation first.
Once I reached him, James' eyes lit up. He quickly found his attention. Saluting me with pure respect.
"Commander," he greeted. "It's…good to see you again, Ma'am. Under much different circumstances."
"At ease, James," I told him. "We're at a restaurant. People are staring. This isn't a formal gathering."
"Copy that," accepted James, grinning now. "Never been here before, myself. Just heard stories about it. I'm not surprised this is how you roll. You're a real baller, Commander. Anyone's gotta respect that."
"I do what I can. Nothing more than I need to."
"Yeah, you would say that."
Changing the subject: "So, you sure you're all right working with Cerberus? At least for the time being."
"I mean, it's tough," said James. "Yeah, they've more or less changed their image around. Making that truce with the Alliance. Cerberus doesn't sound so bad anymore. But I know you're just doing your job. Dealing with the Collectors. I owe those sons of bitches for what they did on my last mission. If I was under anyone else's command, I'd be a little wary. Not with you, though. I'm fully committed to this."
"Your last mission was on Fehl Prime. The human colony. Right?"
"Right…"
No getting around it—"The Council already told me enough. You don't have to get into it."
James seemed crestfallen. "Oh. So, then, you know…"
"Yes, I know. I take it you'd rather not be in any leadership positions. For the team."
"…not if I can help it, Ma'am. I'm better off as a regular grunt. Point me at a target and say the word."
"Understood, James."
Glancing around, he noticed Miranda and the others at our table in the lounge.
I could tell he wanted to ask about her. Specifically. About me with her. And about much more.
I informed him, "You'll get the full story once you're aboard. It's in a report for you to read. I just need you to understand that this information is classified. Not many people outside our team know the full truth. As long as you keep this intelligence to yourself, we're golden."
James caught my sense of foreboding. "I hear you loud and clear. Just sounds a little—concerning."
"It's more than just concerning. Like I said, you'll see for yourself."
"Well, my lips are sealed. I'd never betray your confidence like that. In any way whatsoever. I mean it."
Exactly like so many years ago, with someone else so similar to him, I found myself believing his words.
Believing, despite everything to the contrary.
I offered him my hand. "Welcome to the team, James."
Full of pride, James clapped my hand with his larger one. "Thank you, Commander. I've looked up to you as a marine for years. It's the honor of my life to serve on your team. I won't let you down, Ma'am."
Far too many reminders of Ashley, really. But unlike with everything else, these reminders didn't upend me; threaten to end me; threaten to send me into a spiral that awaited me soon, right around the bend. I could look into this dark brown of James' eyes—focused, forged in fire—seeing my old flame staring back at me. Her eyes the same as his. Their forms transposed over one another. Same age, too.
I still had to get used to this.
Even so, I could live with it.
"I'm assigning you to the armory," I continued on. "You'll be working with our other soldier, Zaeed Massani. I have a feeling you'll be a lot of help for us. You're an arms master, aren't you?"
James flexed his arms, his muscles. "Hell yeah, I am! I can work the team's guns for sure. I got this."
"All right, then," I humored. "I'll introduce you to the team. Obviously, not everyone's here at once. Just a small group. You'll meet the others back on the Normandy once we head to Eden Prime. Come on."
Walking back downstairs with James, I hoped these introductions went well enough.
Even with Miranda cutting him a certain look already. Jack gave him a judgmental side-eye as well.
Kaidan, Tali, Joker, and Garrus seemed far more neutral about this. As I needed them to be.
Arriving at the table, I made the announcement—"Everyone, this is Lieutenant James Vega. As you know, he's a tried-and-tested Alliance soldier. He'll be our junior officer in the armory with Zaeed."
James gave a nervous grin. "Good to meet you all."
Nervous for one specific reason.
But that was all in the past now.
"Hey there, Vega," said Kaidan. "I'm Kaidan Alenko. Great to have another Alliance soldier with us!"
Joker just had to crack a joke, "I know, right? At this rate, we're gonna turn Cerberus into some kinda Alliance black ops program! Who knew we could even do that?! Nice to meet you and all, by the way."
James didn't get it. "Uh…isn't that what Cerberus used to be? Kinda?"
Garrus cleared his throat. "Just ignore him, Lieutenant. I'm Garrus Vakarian. Glad to have you aboard."
Tali supplied, "And I'm Tali'Zorah. You might not be able to ignore Joker. He loves the attention."
"Oh, uhh, okay," tried James. "You guys sure seem pretty close… Heard you were on the original team together. So I guess that—makes sense?" He couldn't escape Jack and Miranda's specific gazes. "Err…"
Miranda sounded a little chilly. "Good afternoon, Vega."
"H-Hey there—" James paused. As if he wanted to call Miranda by some kind of nickname. But he quickly thought against it. "Been a while, huh? How's it going? You look… You look—really nice today."
Teasing, brow raised: "Just today?"
"What?! N-No way! Come on, you know that's not what I meant!"
Tali giggled over his misfortune. Joker cracked up laughing alongside her.
Kaidan and Garrus are both shook their heads, exasperated.
Groaning, aggravated, Jack rolled her eyes. "Look at this musclehead. Got Miranda back into ice queen mode and everything. Not gonna be a fun ride for you, pal. You'd better buckle up for the long-run!"
Joker insisted, "Seriously, dude, listen to what Jack says. You've gotta relax."
James stared at her blankly. "You're…Jack? Like, that's your name."
"Yeah, obviously," she sniped back. "Why? You got a problem with that, big guy?"
Standing up for himself now, James deflected with sincerity: "No, actually—just never seen such a beautiful girl with so many tattoos. Think I could learn from you about getting some more ink. Wanna tell me what your secrets are? Or do I gotta buy you a drink first? I'm down for whatever if you are."
The look on Jack's face—Joker was about to laugh himself to death. Tali laughed even more, too.
To their credit, Garrus and Kaidan only cracked a little. Going back to their serious modes right after.
Miranda only rolled her eyes, though I could tell she found her own entertainment from this.
I took the chance to sit back down in my seat. James sat across from me in the only free chair left.
Jack barked at him, "Are you shitting me, Vega?! Why the hell would you say that? You're not serious!"
"I kind of am," insisted James. "At the same time, I'm kinda not. Depends where you're going with this."
"Where else would I go with this? It's fucking plain as day! Explain yourself!"
"I mean, I'm not the fraternizing type… Yeah, I'm a huge flirt—I'll admit it. Just don't take me too seriously, like you mentioned. Doesn't take back what I said, though. I'd sure love to buy you a drink any time you want. And not only 'cause you look good. You are pretty hot, Jack. Not gonna lie about that!"
Turned off, Jack scoffed at him.
"Whatever."
"I'm just saying."
Everyone eventually returned to their own conversations. More or less accepting James as part of our company now, part of our team, they didn't censor themselves with him around. Not like that. I expected Garrus or whoever else to invite him to that chat room of theirs. It looked like they wanted to ask him. But they still thought they couldn't mention anything around me. So they chose to wait instead.
This natural time passed, from afternoon to evening, happy hour to dinner. The drama from the waves hitting the window eventually subsided. Eating dinner with everyone like this wasn't so strange anymore, as this time passed. Not so anxious anymore. Not so out-of-place anymore, letting my team see me in this setting, spending this type of time with me. But I wouldn't have been able to say that if everyone was here. Just this group. Just Tali, Kaidan, Joker, Garrus. Even James, Jack. Miranda as a given.
Sometime after we finished eating dinner, as the sunset nearly subsided, we were about to go our separate ways. Everyone thanked me for paying; I insisted it was no big deal. Kaidan and the others would go back to the Alliance base, to take a transport up to the main headquarters in Vancouver. Jack would go up to Los Angeles with Kasumi, having a stakeout around her mother's house. James would head back home to spend time with his uncle. Miranda wanted to stay with me—to actually spend some more time alone today, at least until our plans for tomorrow.
While everyone was still busy talking, I received a silenced alert to my omni-tool.
Again, not from the Council. Not so soon. But still very…unexpected.
An email from Tali, with a specific attachment.
I glanced up at her. Tali kept on speaking with Joker and the other guys, pretending not to notice my notice. Maybe she didn't want to give herself away to everyone else. So I chose to follow her lead.
Opening the attachment, I found that it was another photo. One that Tali had taken herself in secret.
This time, it was of Miranda and me. The two of us at the beach. Standing together, my arm wrapped around her waist. Leaning against one another—with Miranda shorter than me, curling into me on instinct, protective as I was. Making such easy eye contact. Smiling as brightly as the sun shining above.
I had never seen my love for Miranda reflecting back at me like this.
Witnessing it for myself, I finally had a visual understanding. Understanding of my feelings, my expressions. This should have only been an ephemeral moment. But now it lived on forever, more so.
Knowing that my time was almost up, such a bittersweet feeling enveloped me.
That time still ticking down—before everything came crashing down on me.
My lack of mourning. My mistakes. All of which had led me to this ongoing eternity, with the only one I loved like this.
Loving her more, once we all left the Marine Room, I brought Miranda back out to the beach. Right at the tail-end of the sunset. Right as those blazing clouds of vermillion saw their last light, just before night arrived. Feeling right, our futures bright, Miranda and I stayed along the sand together. Alone, far enough away from other people. We sat down together; I stayed behind Miranda's back, propping her up this way. She sat back against me, adoring the security of my arms around her waist. We stayed here, soaking in this scenery, while the rest of the team had gone off by now, doing what they needed to do.
That blazing horizon rested over the swelling sea. Just for us. Seemingly no one else around for miles.
Looking out at the sights like this, I realized again how much I'd missed out on. How I had never fully appreciated my hometown until now. Now that Miranda looked on at the same views, inspiring me to see them differently. In a completely different light. Or maybe seeing them for the very first time, really.
Miranda smoothed her hands over mine. "Thank you for this day, Shepard," she murmured. "I know not everything went according to plan. But sometimes, that can be a good thing. We saw it for ourselves. I have to wonder if you'll be more open to risk-taking in the future. I think it suits you—when it's right."
"You think I took a risk today?"
"With the others, yes. Letting your guard down around them. Among other things."
"Hmm, what kind of other things?" I asked.
"The restaurant you chose," she said, with a twinkle of humor in her lilting voice. "The Marine Room. I was intrigued, wondering why you would even take the risk with a place like that. God forbid the windows actually did fail while we were there. Seas flooding everywhere. I can only imagine what would happen if you got your hair wet."
I buried my face in the crook of her neck. "Honestly, babe, I wasn't even thinking about that… I was more paranoid about letting the team see me. As normal. There's supposed to be a certain separation."
"Maybe so. But I hope this is a precursor to more. If not with them, then with me. Just the two of us."
Kissing this slender slope of her neck, I couldn't help feeling like she was right.
Miranda's hopes would become reality soon enough.
Letting her in… Giving her a chance.
Giving myself the chance to need her.
This perfect day with Miranda had inspired more than one need in me. However she reacted would define my path moving forward. I refused to tell her as much; refused to actually say how critical these next few days were for us. Even still, despite my refusals, I knew:
I couldn't contain this for much longer.