"Eye for an Eye" from The Last of Us Part II

LI. Eye for an Eye

(Shepard)

Raised up high along Palaven's south peaks, I sat over this mountaintop.

Alone.

Completely on my own, with just the broad sights and the pale moonlight keeping me company.

These mountains seemed to go on forever. And this eternity gave me the best solitude I could've hoped for. In the distance, I stared off at the structured skyscrapers spanning across the turians' robust, imperial civilization. Closer, near to me, I looked down at my N7 armor. Helmet removed, I existed here just fine. The sun had just recently gone down. I escaped up here to get away. To run from that feeling I'd had down below. Such a constant feeling of being watched. This feeling wasn't anything new, either. I had felt it back on Earth, too, while showing Miranda the old neighborhood where I grew up. Ever since we arrived to the turian homeworld yesterday, that feeling persisted more. I had no idea how or why.

Lone wolf, infiltrator. I was used to being alone. I knew how to exist on my own. I preferred it at times.

But this was the first time in a long time that I actually felt lonely.

As I stared up at Palaven's moon, Menae, I felt some solace. The ethereal comfort and allure of the moonlight found me here. That light stared back at me, shining over this obvious explanation for my emotions. These exact, insidious emotions crept through my spirit as I thought of her. Miranda. Her constant habit of lying, keeping secrets. This constant cycle with Miranda keeping something hidden, and me finding out at the worst time. This time it was Miranda's fears about not being enough to protect me from the Reapers. Having to find out from Javik made it worse. She had purposely decided to withhold this truth with me. That disloyalty from her, however unintentional, got to me too much.

Today more so than any other day.

Today was Ashley's birthday.

April 14.

I recognized how sensitive I was to people lying, keeping secrets like this. And Miranda knew it was a deal-breaker for me. She'd saved me from the reasons why. She knew exactly what this meant to me.

We were supposed to talk things out, to communicate. The other week, it nearly broke me to admit the truth to her—that my feelings for Liara had come up again. But they came up, shocked me, made me panic, and then subsided back under my control. I was okay now, somehow. I could finally breathe again. I was back to a more reasonable place with her. Just like Ashley, Liara would always have this special place in my heart and in my mind. I would always love them, both of them. Those what-ifs would creep up from time to time, yes. But I couldn't let them defeat me. I accepted reality for what it was.

There was just this issue with Miranda shoving me off-balance.

If it kept pushing me, it would shove me clear off this mountaintop.

Yet for some reason, I felt like I had to stay here. I had to stay on this course. I'd had this same sense long ago—before and after Sovereign. As long as I remained on this path, everything would work out as it needed to. I knew I would suffer along the way. But I had to trust that everything would be all right.

I had my own guardian angel watching over me. Maybe more than one.

I needed to trust them. This was all I could do.

Have faith in sight unseeing.

Just then, I received an alert to my omni-tool.

When I saw what this was, something shifted in me. Something that was already here: it made itself known, introduced itself to my waking perception. And I really should've known it was with me all along.

Request: New Private Radio Frequency (Secure – Encryption-Grade: Tentron)

Requester: Aria T'Loak

Reason: I want to talk to you.

Requirements: Only you and me.

Accept/Decline/Save for Later

How the hell did Aria get a Tentron-level security clearance? I had one of my own as a Spectre. This was supposed to be for us to communicate with the Council and Asari High Command. And this range for private omni-tool to omni-tool calls extended much farther out. Hell, the private frequency I had with Miranda was only Alliance-standard, limited to calls within the same system only. But I remembered now that I'd used that encryption-grade on purpose. I specifically hadn't used my Tentron-level one. For practicality's sake…because of Cerberus. I didn't fully trust Miranda at the end of the day.

I'd wanted to believe it was just because of Cerberus. Just because of the Illusive Man. Her father.

At this point, there was no denying—Miranda's habits were baked-in. This was her. Who she was.

Even after she woke up and left Cerberus, this would probably always be here. I couldn't change her.

Trying to protect myself from this conveyor belt of disappointments…I mentally checked-out.

I accepted Aria's request.

I waited for her to call me first. Because I knew she would.

During these short minutes, I felt my emotions festering past my mental checkout. Festering on in confusion, in disbelief. I saw Miranda for exactly who she was…and I loved her to death anyway. I had seen the same with my exes, if not in different ways. It was like I was just asking for her to hurt me…

My omni-tool lit up with this next alert, from Aria's call.

Not expecting anything from her, I answered—"Hey. So this is a surprise."

Aria laughed softly. "I'm sure," she humored. "To be honest, I'm surprised you accepted. From what you mentioned at the end of the last mission, I know you're on Palaven. Helping Garrus with whatever business he has on his homeworld. I figured you might be busy. Or maybe you just didn't trust me enough for this type of thing. What made you go along with it?"

"I think it was your timing."

"Oh? How was my timing so special, then?"

"You caught me at an interesting time, that's all," I evaded. "What've you been up to lately?"

Aria noticed more going on with me, but she let it slide.

"A few things here and there," she replied instead. "My daughter is on Omega visiting for a short while. I've mostly been spending time with her. Talking, going out. Watching vids together at home. The usual."

"How are things going with her?"

"Much better than before."

I wondered, "Did you and Liselle not get along at some point?"

Aria didn't want to admit: "For pretty much her whole life, yes. Until recently. Things changed."

"What changed, exactly?"

"Liselle never approved of my…parenting style, before. Though it wasn't so much of a style as it was a lack of one. I had my personal issues. I took them out on her without meaning to. Naturally, she resented me for it. Started rebelling in her own ways. Deep down, she just wanted me to change. To start putting her first. Our relationship has steadily gotten better over time. It will take more time to fix the rest."

I specifically remembered—"I thought you said you didn't like change. That it was unreliable."

Aria laughed a little more. "Shepard, that impeccable memory of yours will only get you in trouble."

"I'm serious, though. I get that she's your daughter. Of course you're going to make exceptions for her. You just made it seem like this was something you'd never do. Not even for her. Not for anyone else."

"I'll always make exceptions for the right people. Liselle is the most important. Plus one other person."

"Who's this other person, then?" I asked.

Aria sounded unusually smooth: "I'm speaking with her now."

Just like after Eden Prime, I had no idea what to say in response.

It wasn't easy to make me blank out like this. But she managed to keep doing it.

And, just like before, Aria couldn't fault me for my silence. She again sounded so charmed by me.

Deft as a communicator—unlike me—Aria knew to bring this up now: "There's another reason why I called. Why I wanted us to speak. Ever since the last mission, I haven't been able to shake this feeling about you. This feeling that something might be off. That you're not okay. You put on a brave face for your team. For everyone else around you. Trust me, I know what it's like. Is that what's going on?"

"Maybe," I evaded, again. "How'd you notice this about me in the first place?"

"A woman's intuition," she joked. She sounded dead serious at the same time.

Nonetheless, something about Aria's care smoothed a cooling salve over my wounds.

"You said you know what it's like. Are you dealing with the same thing these days?"

"I think you know the answer to that, babe."

"I still want you to tell me."

Entertained now, Aria asked, "We can't just make this about you? It has to be about me, too?"

"Yes," I decided.

"Hmm, fine," she accepted, so easily. "What exactly do you want to know, then?"

"I'd like to know what's on your mind, Aria. You seem like you're working your way up to something."

"Well, I'm considering the possibilities. If I should tell the truth. Confessing how I really feel about you. I'm not trying to steal you away from anyone. If that was my intention, I'd have gone about this much differently. I'm not sure I would have succeeded. That's not the core of the issue, anyway. You're deeply in love with her. I don't want to disrupt that. However, I'm open to a bit more transparency between us."

That was…surprisingly noble, coming from her. Of all people.

"A bit more transparency, huh?"

"A lot more. Much more than I'm used to. Exceedingly more. You know what I mean, Shepard."

"Did you plan on telling me now?" I asked. "Tonight? About how you feel for me."

Aria took in such a specific inhale. "No…I thought about preparing an email instead. Do you want it?"

"Send it to me. If it'll help you to get this off your chest, I'll read it over."

"That's generous of you," she noted. "I'll send it along when I'm ready. It might take me a little while."

"I understand. Take as long as you need."

"Of course. Now it's your turn. What's actually bothering you? I'm not letting you off the hook this time."

I couldn't tell her about Miranda. If Aria and I went down that rabbit hole, we'd never get back out.

So I gave her the next best truth: "I've been thinking about one of my exes lately. Had some old feelings flare up for a while. It was pretty bad. I have them under control now. Just threw me off. I'll be fine."

"Sounds believable," accepted Aria. "Which ex of yours was this?"

"Liara. You know about her. What happened in the past."

"Yes, I certainly do… I have to say, I'm curious. I've seen pictures of her. Read about her research—more recently. Liara was brilliant. It's too bad her peers didn't acknowledge this until after her passing. Except Liselle, of course. What made Liara so special in your eyes? I'm genuinely interested. I'd like to know."

The words flowed so easily, "She opened me up in a lot of ways. Before I met her, I was so closed-off. I refused to trust people, to let anyone get close. Liara showed me that I didn't have to keep running away. She was so sweet, and kind, and gentle with me. Incredibly patient. Regardless of everything, she dedicated her life to me. Liara reminded me of my humanity. I don't know where I'd be without her."

Aria paused.

She seemed to relate to my words. Or at least some of them.

"Liara does sound special," she said softly. "I wish I could thank her for everything she did for you."

"You can thank her soon enough," I replied, almost by accident. "I'm going to pick her up later tonight."

Aria blurted out, "Shepard—what did you just say? I thought Liara was gone! How are you going to 'pick her up'?" When I couldn't reply, she sounded nearly incredulous: "Are you insane?! How the hell is that possible? Sure, you came back from the dead… Did you find a way to do the same with her? Is that it?"

Maybe I should've thought this through first… "Basically. It's a long story."

"So I can expect to meet her during the next mission against the Collectors?"

"Yes, Aria. Just—keep this to yourself. I don't want the wrong people finding out. The short story is that it involves the asari bonding process. If we didn't have our bond, then none of this would be possible."

Aria paused again, as if she believed me.

As if she remembered something; as if she had a very specific reason to believe my claims.

She was an asari herself. Surely she had her own information about this.

"Well, my lips are sealed," promised Aria. "Since learning the Protheans uplifted my species, I've looked into a few things on my own. Apparently Javik's people were closely connected to a mysterious network for organics. Something called a collective unconscious. Our biological markers and linked experiences are hidden within this network. That's what the Protheans used to communicate through physiology. We asari inherited some of this, with our ability to meld with another person's nervous system to share knowledge, and reproduce. It's not quite the same as what the Protheans had, but it's close enough."

That filled in a lot of gaps with my understanding.

I smiled over Aria's well of knowledge—her vast intelligence—seemingly unlimited when she wanted it to be. Her emotional intelligence played into this, too. I felt her picking up so much more about me. Clues and information I didn't necessarily have to speak aloud, to explicitly make clear. She understood.

"If it helps at all, Liara's been in my unconscious mind this whole time. Waiting for me to go get her."

"Hmm, and you have the means to travel there? To the unconscious reaches of your own mind?"

"Yes, through a VR game," I explained. "Legion developed it. This somehow links to our collective unconscious as organic species. I'm not sure how everything fits together. That's just the story."

Aria had her unlimited curiosities, too. "Then let me pose the hypothetical. Say I were to meld with you. Join my nervous system to yours. Embrace eternity. If you and I had a similar type of bond… Something powerful. Not just any old thing. Would you be able to 'pick me up' after I died? A form of immortality."

"More than likely."

"I can't believe I'm saying this—but that's incredible, Shepard. The possibilities are endless with you."

My instincts pricked at me.

Dual reasons, dual senses. I couldn't quite pin them down.

"I know," sensed Aria. "We've talked long enough. You should get going."

"Thanks for calling me," I expressed. "For doing all this. It helped to hear from you. Even though you caught me off-guard, I enjoyed talking with you. I wasn't expecting this."

"Mm-hmm. I'm sure I've made this clear…but you can call me at any time. If you need anything. If you want me. I—care about you, Shepard. I care about you a lot. More than I can tolerate sometimes. You can fill in the rest on your own for now. I may not be the best at showing it… I'm only letting you know you can count on me. However you need. For starters, I'll keep this secret about your VR game and Little Liara. Anything else you choose to divulge will stay between us. I just wanted to make sure you knew."

"I appreciate that, Aria. I'm sorry we got off to a bad start before. I shouldn't have judged you."

"It was natural of you to do," she forgave. "I sadly did the same to you. But we've both learned our lesson now. That's what matters. I'll be around if you'd like to talk later. Tomorrow, whenever."

"I'll give you a call tomorrow, then. Have a good night."

"Good night, babe."

Feeling a weight lift from my own shoulders, I exhaled with this release.

I really hadn't expected that from her. Any of it.

But before I could even process my talk with Aria, my omni-tool went off with another alert. This low rumble from Miranda, my customized notification for her. She called me this time, as I'd anticipated.

"Shepard," fretted Miranda, as soon as I answered. "You've been gone all day. Where are you?"

"I'm at the mountains," I told her.

"The—the mountains? At the south peaks? What are you doing all the way over there?! For God's sake, I've been worried sick about you! I expected you to call me, to let me know where you were—something! Instead I've been a damned mess this whole time, wondering if something happened to you! I swear, ever since we arrived to Palaven, you've been off on some other world… Why won't you talk to me?"

Mentally checked-out for mere moments:

Just like that, Miranda made me check right back in.

Push and pull, push and pull from her lies and secrets and disloyalties—none of it fucking mattered anymore. Not while I listened to these broken breaths Miranda breathed in and out. Not while I could hear her rage teetering into raw heartbreak. I shivered in a sudden cold, frozen in fear of what I'd done.

"I knew something was off with you," she went on, aggrieved. "The second we touched down planetside, I sensed a shift. You changed. You were different. And I tried to give you space. I tried to let you breathe; to let you figure things out on your own, as you always need to do. But then you pulled yet another disappearing act. When you first asked me to be your girlfriend, I told you—I asked you not to do this. I pleaded with you to not leave me alone like this. Especially not as a punishment! Because it feels like you're punishing me for something I've done. Is that what you're doing…? Is that what's going on?!"

"Miranda, I'm not doing that. I'm not trying to punish you for anything."

Practically killing me, Miranda choked back a sob. "Then how did I stop feeling you moments ago? Why did it feel like you switched off? You flipped that switch, Shepard… You checked-out!" How the hell did she know that about me? "And don't tell me that you didn't. Don't you dare—I know better! Did you forget I put you back together? I rebuilt you… Your corpse, burned to death. I brought you back… I rebuilt you with my bare hands. Every single thing—mind, body, and soul—while my heart bled over you non-stop. I memorized every fucking thing I could about you. I know you. Oh, God, do I know you…"

…

"Say something, damnit! Don't just sit there and breathe! I refuse to believe you're so bloody selfish that you'd let this go on. That you'd honestly let me keep panicking and panicking with no resolution!"

"Babe, I'm sorry," I tried. What bothered me earlier—it just didn't matter anymore. "I'm sorry I left you alone. I'm sorry I got too close to your hard limit. I wasn't thinking clearly. It was irresponsible of me."

Calming a bit, Miranda sheared some of her edge away. Enough to sigh. Enough to collect herself.

"I don't want an apology," she said, still displeased. "I want a solution. You already know this about me."

"Then…do you want me to get to the hotel?"

Miranda exhaled in relief. "Yes, I do," she whispered. "Please come back to me, Shepard. Come back to our room. I miss you. I know you promised to help Garrus tonight. I've accepted that. Aside from any sworn time away, I want you here with me. I don't want to spend another minute without you."

"Okay," I accepted. "Just let me get down from these mountains. I can use my landing system to speed things up. The rapid transit is over by the mountain trail. Let me mute myself while I get there."

"That's fine. Thank you for staying on the line. It's what I need from you right now."

Muting my end, I found the nearest safe spot below.

Jumping down, my Icarus Landing System made for some fun parkour. Or it would've been fun, if not for my fuckups with Miranda earlier. Going from spot to spot, nearing the mountain trail, I tried to figure this out. Seriously, as soon as the Normandy arrived to Palaven, I'd felt…something. That profound sadness. That unusual loneliness. That explosion of my doubts and worries and fears with Miranda, with our relationship. Everything I felt was real, and true to myself. But that magnitude was completely foreign to me. I wanted to blame the day. I wanted to assume it was just Ash's birthday, the meaning getting me in my feelings like that. There had to be more to it than that. But now I'd never know.

I decided it didn't matter, anyway.

None of it mattered.

I needed to get back to Miranda, back to our hotel room. I needed to make sure she was okay again.

Once I made it to the rapid transit car, I set my destination for the Kingsglaive hotel.

And then I unmuted myself, letting Miranda know—"I'm on my way to you now. Won't take long."

Taciturn relief from her. "All right…"

I tried steering the conversation: "So…what else have you been up to today?"

"I spent most of my time with Jack," said Miranda, forcing some normalcy. "She asked for additional access to some more Cerberus files. We searched them together. Jack's looking into the Teltin facility where Cerberus ran those experiments on her. The facility on Pragia is defunct, but it's still standing."

"Do you think Jack will want to head over there soon?"

"I'd imagine so, yes. Perhaps the closure will prove helpful. I told her I'd pass the message along."

"That's fine," I allowed. "I'll talk to Jack about it after we bring back Liara."

"Of course." Such a hard beat passed. "Why did you decide to go to the mountains, anyway?"

"I just felt—nostalgic somehow. Almost like I had been to the south peaks before. It's the same with how weird I felt earlier. I don't know. Seems like I'm picking up on someone else's emotions."

Miranda speculated, "It's possible that may be from Liara. I'm not sure, but she might have visited those same mountains on her own. I do think it's a good sign. It means she's ready to come back home with us, and you're equally as ready to find her. If that's all it was…then I'm sorry for getting angry with you."

"No, I should have told you what was going on. It's okay, babe."

"Hmm, well I'm curious now. What were you doing all the way up there? Staring out at the sights?"

"For the most part," I replied. "Aria also called me. I spoke with her for a while. Just as a friendly thing."

"Somehow I'm not surprised," said Miranda, genuinely neutral. "Are you still attracted to her?"

"Yes, but that's as far as it'll go. Aria told me she's not going to disrupt anything. Getting in the way of what you and I have together. On one hand, Aria's too smart to be messy like that. On the other, I think she wants things to stay like this. I doubt she would want to get too close to me. This is a safe distance."

"That's true. I hadn't thought of it like that. It helps me feel better about her. A lot better."

I wondered, "Were you jealous of her?"

"Shepard, of course I was… I'm not proud of it. I was also rather confused. I find Aria very attractive. In my own ways. Physically speaking. Our personalities tend to clash. She's all about her freedoms. I admire that. I'm sure she dislikes how cold and rigid I am in comparison. I can still admit how sexy she is."

"Really? You'd want to have sex with her?"

Miranda laughed softly, getting at something in me. Way too deep, way too sudden.

"Maybe," she teased. "Though I'd be more interested in watching you fuck her. After all, Aria seems so preoccupied with power. Seeing you invert her authority—well, it sounds like quite the treat to me. But let's save this conversation for another time. You said your call with her was friendly. If I was there with you at the time, would you have had the exact same discussion? Or would you have censored yourself instead? Or perhaps if we were on the ship, would you have gone into another room? To avoid me."

"Not at all," I promised. She sounded relieved, but I still wanted to let her know: "Miranda, you are the one for me. You're absolutely my top priority." Listening to her hanging on my every word, I stared out at these sights of Cipritine's silver metropolis lit up at night, needing her. "Babe, I know I've been tripping lately. But I'd never break your heart by stepping out on you. That's not me. I couldn't do it."

"I know, Shepard," breathed Miranda, sniffling a little. "I know you wouldn't do that… I'm just—ridiculously attached to you. I'm not good at attached. You evoke so much in me, every single day. Anything you do is liable to make me react, make me emotional. This is how it's always been for me."

"Mmm, I like that. I'm your exception in a lot of ways. Makes me feel special."

"Of course you're special. So long as you don't let it go to your head."

I didn't mean to smirk at that. "Which one?"

And Miranda didn't mean to laugh so much. "God, you're such a cad… I'm already emotional as it is, then you make me laugh. I'll get you back for this. Mark my words. Are you nearly at the hotel now?"

Outside my window, I spotted that endless rise of structured silver from the Kingsglaive.

"Yes, Miranda," I answered. "I'm pulling up soon. I'll see you in a few minutes."

"I'll be waiting for you."

Returning to this brightness of the hotel, I put my helmet back on. Just for some kind of anonymity. I knew it was pointless. All the turians and other people around recognized me anyway. It wasn't like there were turians in the human N7 program. The buzz had swirled around about the Normandy arriving in town; about my team and me staying at the Kingsglaive. I made my way to the gift shop with what little anonymity these nosey admirers allowed. Which wasn't much. But I couldn't really blame them.

At this gift shop, I picked up a box of assorted chocolates. Imported straight from Earth, guaranteed safe for human consumption. I scanned the box, just in case. Looked good. Since turians and quarians both had their dextro-requirements, I only wanted to make sure. I bought the chocolates and took them with me, over to the elevator. And I went up to the top floor where our rooms were—everyone on the team.

I activated my cloak out of a strange sense of paranoia.

My instincts paid off, though, once I arrived to my destination.

Hanging out in the common room together, some of the team were here. Drinking, having a good time. Kaidan, Joker, James, Jack, Tali. Garrus was off preparing for his mission—I expected him to contact me within the next hour or so. Tali was due to help us out. In the meantime, she stayed here with the gang, sharing laughs with everyone. Jack sat next to her, but just far enough away to be friendly. Still not remotely romantic or sexual. At least not with Jack continuing to respect Tali's wishes, but I could tell she still liked her. There was something about the energy Jack gave off. That need to be so much closer.

I could only wonder how Jack would react to Liara's return.

Inevitably, Liara would take up most of Tali's attention. Even as I consumed both of their energies.

Maybe now really was a good time to help Jack on Pragia; finding that closure for her.

Down the hallway, I walked all the way to the end. The suite I shared with Miranda was far enough away from everyone else's. I didn't want the whole team eavesdropping on us. Especially not tonight.

As soon as I entered the unlit room, I found the moonlight again shining in on me, this time through the windows. That view of Cipritine at night carried on. The skyline went on and out past the glass, with Palaven's silver sights lighting up the horizon in size. Here in the luxury of the suite, I found Miranda just by the door. Pacing around in her nightdress, her bare footsteps making tracks over the floor. She stopped the moment I came in and found her like this. Her eyes locked to mine. Needing, missing me.

Miranda waited for me to go over to her.

And I would've done it right away.

Again, I had this feeling. Ever since I arrived back to the hotel, this feeling came back up. This feeling I'd tried to escape earlier. Like someone watched me from somewhere. Not Miranda. Just me, specifically.

I could never know for certain. So I set it aside, going over to Miranda instead.

"Hey," I soothed, bringing her close. "It's okay. Come here."

Miranda sighed, relaxing in my hold. Her restlessness subsided. She found the rest of her peace.

She murmured against my armored shoulder, "I meant what I said. Did you think I couldn't notice…? I see everything about you, Shepard. Everything. I can't tear my eyes from you. Not even for a moment."

"I know that now. I'm sorry."

Pulling away a bit, I handed Miranda this box of chocolates. As my extra apology. She accepted the box in her hands, smiling over the surprise.

"Thank you for this," she said. "I actually have a sweet tooth tonight. This should help for now."

"For now, huh?"

Miranda gave me such a devious smirk, teasing, "Yes, Shepard. For now. I imagine you'd like to go and freshen up. I'll indulge in my chocolates while you do that. I still want you to spend this time with me."

"All right. I'll just take a quick shower. I'll be right out."

Following up on her suggestiveness, Miranda kept her eyes to me. She watched as I went inside the bathroom. And I listened as she made her way to the bed, lounging there. I could only imagine what was on her mind. What she thought about while she waited; while I took this shower and changed clothes.

Then again, the answer seemed pretty obvious.

I'd wasted last night and the whole day today, brooding away from her. Too far away, when I could've been all the way inside of her instead. Indulging in my own ways. Pleasing her all day and all night long. I still remembered the way Miranda sounded in my car, back home. How she'd hooked me, made me so fucking crazy for her. I couldn't deny the memory now, how it still affected me. Even though I'd caught my mind wandering to another woman lately, Miranda stayed at the forefront. She reigned supreme.

I had the chance to make up for everything now.

I could only hope Garrus didn't contact me at an awkward time.

Using the holo-closet within this lingering shower mist, I put on a fresh tank top and pair of boxer briefs. I debated putting anything more on. Something specific. Something to signal my own thoughts, my own intention to Miranda, ideally mirroring what she wanted from me tonight. I forever wanted to please her. That role, that responsibility of mine filled me with the utmost pride and honor—just as much as I needed to fill her, and just as much as I needed to prove myself to her. Pleasing her, performing, putting my all into her: these prospects kept me hard even with nothing in between.

Still, there was something about strapping up early. Premeditated. Unprovoked.

Miranda wanted to take charge. Even while she needed me to fuck her, to tear her virginity away.

That apparent inversion of power—mixing and blurring—forever sent me to this pleasurable place.

Right at the precipice, I returned to the bedroom.

And I found Miranda lounging in bed still.

Graceful, elegant: freshly-manicured nails glimmering in the moonlight, she placed another piece of chocolate into her mouth. Her other hand, she smoothed down her thighs, completely bare. Goddess of gods, Miranda wore nothing at all. Nothing except the bed's sheets loosely draped around her body. Through that draping, I saw her perfect outline, her curves, her confidence of flesh—all that I'd treasured and worshipped. Fine chocolate melting in her mouth, Miranda stared back at me with such a purposeful intensity. I knew she could tell by the look in my eyes—she had me right where she wanted.

Miranda glanced down at my boxer briefs, this black cotton heating around me.

"You're not wearing it," she noticed. "I know you're not. Otherwise you'd be rock hard by now. As you should be." This time, she glanced at the other holo-closet, just behind me. "Are you going to put it on?"

I only had to make sure—"Are you…still taking your birth control meds?"

"Yes, I am," replied Miranda, satisfied. "You know exactly what I want. I expect you to give it to me."

Entranced, in a daze, I turned to the holo-closet.

I put it on beneath my boxer briefs. The one she wanted. The one with the mess. The one that would show Miranda precisely how I felt about her, how she affected me; how she had me under her control.

Fully under her gaze, I walked over to the nightstand. As I went, Miranda watched the beginnings, this shape of me hardening already. She continued observing me as I searched though the top drawer. The condoms and lube I'd brought were at the top. I didn't remember putting these in plain sight before. She must have moved them. On purpose. All as her not-so-subtle way of saying what she needed from me.

I pulled a handful of condoms out. Setting them atop the nightstand. And I was about to open one.

Until Miranda stood up from the bed. She moved right behind me, lingering. I could smell her. Fuck, I smelled her—that anticipation drenching between her thighs, softly pungent in absolute perfection. I smelled her even more as she pressed herself against me. Miranda maneuvered me just so, taking my focus away from the condoms…for now. She held onto my arms, the feathery touch of her fingertips fluttering at me in her finesse. She turned me around, pressing my front against the wall nearest to the bed. This height difference between us—Miranda's lips only reached to the nape of my neck. She pressed the fullness of her kiss to my skin, sounds of satisfaction humming down my shoulder blades.

Intoxicated by me, Miranda could've kept at this for hours.

I felt how much she wanted to, just in the ways she gripped at my tank top, shifting it out of her way.

All the while, I stared out to the night's city past the windows. Those glimmering lights, the sights of structured silver there. Full civilization, so many turians and other people, other life beyond. None of them could see me. None of them could, yet I still felt someone else's eyes on me anyway. Just on me.

Purposely ignoring Miranda—or imagining themselves in her place.

In her place, as my face stayed against this wall—as she reached around, stroking my hardness for her.

And I kept getting harder, knowing who watched me and how depraved they were.

That feeling made me turn Miranda around, switching places. I pushed her back against the wall.

This smirk of her lips, this glow of her skin on full display for me. She had no idea what I saw, what crept through my mind. No idea, even though she'd sensed all of me earlier, before. Miranda knew I was unknowable. She knew I remained unreachable in too many ways. She knew, and she pulled me in anyway, branding my lips with this growing, hardening shape of her smirking. Tasting as chocolate, lingering, I felt Miranda's eagerness to know me. Her emphasis, her energy, her efforts. How she gripped at me, pulled at me, brought me into her more, trying and trying to know me, everything. Yet the more she tried, the more my mind lifted higher, out of her reach, without my input. And Miranda put more of herself into this every time. Running after me, chasing after me by touch. Pulling me back down to this figurative earth with her; pulling this love out of me, not knowing the precipice I stood on, out of my control. She reached over and grabbed a condom in my place; ripped the wrapper, pulling the protection free. She made the best opening at the top, slipping the rest over me, rolling her touch down.

"Fuck me, Shepard."

Desperation in her voice, her hold around my back.

Disregard for any pain. She wanted me now.

Miranda's wish, my command—I lifted her legs, hiking her up higher over the wall. I pushed all the way into her. Warmth rippling around me, that pain rippled out of Miranda's throat, uncensored. That pitch of hers, that grip of hers around my neck, my hair, my back, tightening and tightening. I had her trapped like this. I stopped right at this top of her. Waiting. Letting Miranda breathe in my ear. Letting her entire body tremble in my lifted hold, completely at my mercy. And anything that bled from her, the black of my boxer briefs absorbed in full. Steadily, with this time, Miranda made room for me, clenching less and less. This heated, soaking, endless core of her welcomed me whole, pulling me in, pulling me in more.

Cold and callous, I spoke into her ear—"There's no turning back, babe. You belong to me now. Completely. No one can ever take this away. No one can ever take you from me. I own you." Pressing my hands to the wall, I hiked Miranda's legs up higher, heightening this angle of her, making her let out a short, uncontrolled scream. "Is this what you wanted? What you spent decades waiting for. Saving yourself for. Just for me. Just for me to break you like this, to degrade you like this." Breaths picking up as her wordless affirmative, I practically felt Miranda's breathing around me. Tightening, clenching with her inhales; less so with her exhales, for mere seconds, before her feared pleasures picked right back up again. "You spend so much of your time locking up your worst instincts. Controlling yourself, so rigid and cold. Tell me, Miranda… You need to be inferior to me, don't you? You need to be my fucking bitch."

Flipped switch, pretenses melted away, Miranda whined out for me, "Yes, Shepard… God, yes—"

Frenetic, I fucked her. Fumbling at first, she gripped me harder, the bends of her arms crossing up and down my shoulders for leverage. Leverage—she didn't fucking need it. I held her up just the way I wanted, all for this perfect access. Reaching up into her, ramming into her, raging her back against the damned wall—she screamed my name and screamed her pleasure, undefined and uncontrolled.

I tore at her years-long patience; she bled for me.

I fucked Miranda out of control and she couldn't deal.

I made her take it and she couldn't control herself anymore.

Fucking her with this focus, I could've drilled a hole in the wall, shaped of her. Shaped of her hips, her ass, her legs all reacting to me, helpless for days. Miranda's pain began to subside from her voice, her shouting and screams. Adapting to me, I finished shaping her as mine. And I could've finished inside of her—this soon—just from the way she'd let go with me. All from the way Miranda kept begging me for more, whimpering enough to drive me crazy. I summoned every last shred of my focus, giving it to her. Giving it and giving it to her. Over and over as I drove her clear over the moon, off into this ecstasy only I could give her. No one else could ever handle her like this. Miranda got off to me, knowing this exclusivity, needing it like hell. She clenched around me and trembled and called out my name. And she didn't give a damn if anyone heard us. I knew they did; I knew they spied on us again. None of it mattered. Not with Miranda baring her soul for me like this. Not with her beauty so elevated in release.

Still needing more, I made myself pause for now. I pulled out, slowly enough to avoid hurting her. Softly, Miranda contorted her face in the gentlest pain. So sensitive. She sighed once I was out, as if missing a piece of herself. She couldn't function without me inside of her, propping her up. I really needed that.

Breathing harder, Miranda lulled her head to one side. Sweat sticking between us, heat radiating. I looked right into her eyes, glassed and dulled in her emotions. She looked right back at me, needing my attention. Needing my fixations. Needing to know that none of this was a dream; that I had actually taken her, made her mine like this as her mind went into a lulling overdrive. That steel blue of her eyes had thoroughly melted, cooled, and shaped anew. Reshaped as mine, renewed as mine for all time.

If she didn't have me holding her up, Miranda could've collapsed to the floor by now in exhaustion.

But I knew she wanted more. I knew she still craved me. She needed me to keep using her.

So I brought her over to the bed, carrying her there. Thoughtless, I threw her down over the mattress, the scattered sheets and duvet. Miranda moaned over the meaning. Face-down, she coiled her body into those sheets. Gripping the fabric, lifting her ass up as her wanton signal—needy and needing the fuck out of me. And I couldn't stop staring at that ass of hers. The perfect shape, how endless she seemed. The fitness of her thighs. The shape of her submission to me. How she could barely stay still without me. She kept moaning in a pained impatience, paining more over each passing second. Every single second she had to suffer without my hands over her, without me fucking her, turning her out. She couldn't stand it.

So I knelt over the bed, just behind her.

Miranda moved her ass into me. Signaling, signaling. Begging with her body again.

I groped at her ass before spanking, once. Hard enough to make Miranda cry out in her pleasured pain. I did it again, watching this thick slickening between her legs, glinting in the night. Again and again I slapped at Miranda's ass, making her react to me. Sending her so much higher every time. Tearing away that fucking veneer of hers; stripping her down to this base, baring herself for me. These low desires, mean and rude, getting to the core of her insecurities. She trusted me to tear her apart exactly like this.

Crawling over the bed, I made my way to the pillows. Sitting up against the headboard, I situated myself here. And Miranda stayed on her hands and knees before me. In her periphery, she kept me within her sights. Focused on my erection, how I remained at complete attention for her. Miranda wanted me so badly that she'd started shaking, trembling. I could've fucked her five times, ten times, fifty fucking times and she'd still want more. Constant cravings; constant chances to destroy her all over again.

I grabbed at Miranda's arm, pulling her to me. "You motherfucking slut. Get over here, now."

Weak in the knees—weakened everywhere—Miranda whimpered from my suddenness, from my strength. She collapsed into me. Fumbling around in this dark of my sadism, Miranda pressed forward. She pulled her body up and up. Meaning to mount me. Needing her new seat on this ride, hard and fast.

Seated over my lap, I felt this shape of her: slick softness and soaking folds over these protected veins of me.

And I was about to push myself back in—take Miranda again, and again. For as long as I possibly could.

As I looked up at her, I held Miranda's face in my hand. She had a difficult time holding eye contact with me. High as fuck, I worried she might've been too far gone. I switched mindsets. I needed to make sure:

"Babe, I'm checking in," I told her in earnest. "Are you all right? If you need to use the safe word—if you need me to slow down, just let me know… We'll stop. We'll stop and I'll hold you. I'll take care of you."

My question alone sobered Miranda just enough.

She made deep eye contact with me, only saying one word: "Green." Green and good to go as opposed to red. And that was enough. That was enough for Miranda to plunge her lips into mine. Impassioned, loving, adoring. Soaking more between us, she found her arousal in my care. Just in the way I loved her, putting her safety first. Proving her sobriety, enough to assuage me, Miranda convinced me to keep on.

Still basking in Miranda's lips, her tongue over mine, I pushed up and inside her. Deep in this heat of her again, I couldn't hold back. I grabbed onto Miranda's waist. I snaked my hand along her scalp, gripping the roots of her hair, controlling. Fucking her like this, I reveled in Miranda's trust in me. The way she threw her head back, her body taking this from me. Constant, constant—heated and sweating, sweltering in seconds. As close as I was already, I cursed into Miranda's drenching skin. Grunting over my focus slipping away, slipping. Miranda knew it then. She held onto my shoulders, goading me and goading me. And I could sense her thoughts, her fantasy in this moment. How she wished I didn't have this protection on at all. How she craved for me to just let go; to come inside of her, to hell with what we couldn't do, so irresponsible. I wanted the consequences. I wanted her body to change, to react to me. I wanted Miranda to carry what I could give to her in love. I needed to take care of her through it all.

Fucking Miranda this hard, animalistic, she couldn't get enough of me. Enough of the thought, the suggestion that I could keep using her like this. Freely, open, ramming into her with one singular purpose. Breeding her and needing her to cut away the rest of her worth. Just reducing her to this one function, this one meaning; and for me to protect her throughout, as vulnerable as she would be. Over and over, Miranda could've existed as this single thing for me. Over and over, the thought brought her all the way up, soaring, screaming my name all over again. I held out just enough, but I couldn't stop this stream the second she doubled over me. Spent already, Miranda palmed at the back of my head, whispering the very same that I'd sensed of her. Listening to the accented velvet of her voice give life to this need—she got me off, harder the more she pled, the more she begged me to seed her. This next best thing kept me under her control, exactly where we'd started. Back at the beginning, back again.

Blacking out for a moment, I barely realized the change. This change that happened once Miranda dismounted me. Too far-gone myself, I hardly felt her taking this condom off from me. She licked this mess off, cleaned me up. Spotless. And then she fell into my arms, letting me hold her. Quiet, calming.

This simplistic aftercare worked for her. Miranda relaxed in my arms. I felt her falling asleep, her breaths growing heavier over my chest. I pressed my lips to the warm roots of her hair; she relaxed over me even more. I wished I could've stayed like this with her. More than anything, I wanted to. But of course, I received that expected, silenced alert to my omni-tool. I situated my arms around Miranda's sleeping form, managing to check—this was definitely from Garrus, ready for the mission. He sent this email to Tali and me both, asking to meet him in the hotel's parking lot in twenty minutes. So I had to get going.

I untangled myself from Miranda as gently as I could. Escaping the bed, I somehow managed not to wake her up. Putting my strap away, I jumped in the shower again, then I got back out. Putting on my stealth suit, I did my best to get in the right mindset. Garrus didn't need me to be unfocused. Not now.

Returning to the bedroom, I found Miranda still asleep. More like passed the fuck out, sheets askew. I went over and tucked her in properly. This comforting bundle around her, I envied. I leaned down to her forehead, this chilled sheen of sweat still over her skin. I kissed her goodbye, enjoying this taste. And I lingered here, not really knowing why. So many emotions came over me at once. Listening to Miranda breathe, listening to her sleep. I loved her more than I could fathom. So much more than I could handle.

"I'll be back soon," I whispered. "I love you. I love you so much."

Miranda's peaceful beauty made me want to do anything for her.

I carried this ache with me as I left our suite. Out in the darkened hallway, I found Tali waiting for me. That hard, focused, lustful look in her eyes behind her helmet—she had definitely listened in. I watched her possessiveness flare up, quiet and unspoken. We had this silent understanding anyway. Tali could say nothing about it. I couldn't say a word, either. Together we left to go find Garrus downstairs, as promised.

In the parking lot, Tali and I found Garrus waiting for us. He leaned on his blue skycar, looking ready to go. That focus in his eyes—he needed to get this done. He needed to take Sidonis out once and for all.

"Shepard, Tali," said Garrus. "Glad you made it. I'm all set to move out if you are."

"Yes, Garrus," replied Tali. "Ready to head out."

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Just driving up to a tall building. I'll explain on the way. I assume you'd like to do the honors."

"Sure," I accepted, heading to the driver's seat of his car.

Garrus took the passenger's side, his sniper rifle with him already. Tali slipped into the backseat behind him. I found that Garrus had plugged in this building's coordinates into his navigation system. So I started up the car and took us off in that direction, driving into the thick of the city lit up at night.

I had to know, "Garrus, how'd you manage to track down Sidonis? Couldn't have been easy."

Garrus explained: "A few of my old C-Sec friends helped out. They knew Sidonis had gone completely bad. He tried to play games, escape law enforcement around here. Ended up making the wrong enemies. He tried disappearing for a while, hiding from them and from me. Once I tracked down my old co-workers, they gave me the tips I needed."

"You still planning to kill Sidonis when we find him?"

"That's the plan," he confirmed. "It'll be quick and painless. Unlike everyone he betrayed, he'll be spared the agony of a slow death. It's more than he deserves, but as long as he's dead, I'll be satisfied." Garrus gripped his sniped rifle close. "This is personal. I'll pull the trigger. And I'll live with the consequences. All I'm asking is that you get me to where I need to go. Then let me take the shot."

"I understand, Garrus. Just give me the rundown. What's this operation looking like?"

"Pretty simple, actually. You're driving us to that tall, unspecified building. I managed to find out who Sidonis' trusted allies were. Got Tali to fake some communications between them, asking Sidonis to meet up on the rooftop of this building. He fell for it. He's on his way up there as we speak."

Tali checked her omni-tool, reaffirming, "Yes, he's on the move now. Sidonis should arrive to the rooftop shortly. You'll need to quickly take your shot before he notices. Otherwise he'll run off."

"Sounds perfect," approved Garrus. "One-and-done. My aim hasn't failed me so far. I won't miss."

"We're almost there," I noted, increasing our altitude as needed. "Sounds like this won't take long."

"Not at all. The preparation took the most time and effort. This is the easy part. If I weren't this prepared, then Sidonis could've led us on a wild goose chase instead, or however you humans call it. Aside from needing you to drive, Shepard, I guess I just…needed you here with me. You too, Tali. This has been a long time coming. You both know what led me to Omega, what led me to Sidonis in the first place. When he betrayed my men and got them killed, he reopened those old wounds of mine. Then again, I doubt my wounds had ever closed in the first place. Not until I made it back to the Normandy."

Tali could unfortunately relate. "I know what you mean, Garrus… Of course, I didn't go through the same things you did, back during your Archangel days. But I certainly felt betrayed. We all did. Those two years we spent without Shepard around… To this day, I'm still not sure how I survived. It was brutal."

"That's pretty much how I feel," shared Garrus. "Sidonis made it all worse. He needs to pay. Tonight."

Pulling up to this higher altitude, we arrived at the building.

Nondescript, high-up, and relatively remote—this looked like the perfect spot for an assassination.

I hovered Garrus' car in place.

Not long afterward, Sidonis appeared. He exited from the building's stairs to the rooftop. Looking around in a slight panic, he seemed anxious. Almost like he didn't believe he was here for the right reasons. Of course, his instincts were spot-on. But he didn't need to know that right now.

Garrus rolled down his window. He prepared his sniper rifle; took his aim.

"I've got him in my sights," said Garrus, focused through his scope. "Just keep holding us steady."

Tali glared out her own window, seeming to transpose her view of someone else onto Sidonis there.

I glanced around, making sure no one else would spot us. I didn't see any other skycars. Not this close.

Way too paranoid, Sidonis spotted Garrus aiming at him. I could just hear that panicked cursing from his mouth; he quickly turned around, trying to get away. Too bad for him, it was already too late to run.

Garrus took the shot.

That familiar, nostalgic booming from his sniper rifle sounded.

A split-second later, Sidonis stopped moving. Head punctured, he collapsed to the ground, bleeding out.

"Betrayal repaid, Sidonis."

"Let's get out of here," I declared, driving off before anyone saw us.

Tali commented, "That was easy enough."

"Agreed," I said. "Clean and simple. Good work."

"Thanks for helping me, you two," expressed Garrus. "Couldn't have done this without you. Finally feels like I can move on. Think we could get back to the hotel? I haven't had the chance to enjoy it much."

"Heading there now."

As I drove us back to the Kingsglaive, I felt this sense stronger than ever. That Sidonis himself didn't really matter. That he was more of a stand-in for Garrus and Tali both, representing someone else they'd both grown to hate and despise over the years. The original betrayal that had started all of this, everything—we still needed to talk it over. They both needed closure; to finally put this behind them.

After parking Garrus' car, we entered the hotel, taking the elevator up to the top floor. We made our way to the now-empty common room. Taking a seat together over this couch, I gave Tali and Garrus a moment to collect themselves. As they did, I sent Miranda a message, asking if she was awake; if she would be ready to head into Insomnia. She quickly messaged back saying she was getting dressed now, and she would in fact be ready. Nearly 10:00pm. We had some time first before Insomnia came online.

I looked between Garrus and Tali, asking them, "So, are you two all right now?"

Garrus shrugged, saying, "More or less. Pretty sure you picked up on the meaning back there."

"It's a little obvious," I pointed out.

Tali sighed. "I wish my memory would let me forget for one day. Today is Ashley's birthday. Of all days."

Garrus remembered, "The two of us were the same age. I can't help feeling annoyed by the memory myself. Trusting someone like that, only for them to betray you… The reminders never really go away. They stop hurting as much over time. Then a day like this comes up. Feels like fate's toying with me."

"Definitely. But I'm grateful things have worked out the way they did. We have the team again. We have Shepard with us. Not everything is exactly the same. I've found my peace with it."

"Same here, Tali. I'm glad I don't have to keep carrying around that same anger all the time. I know you have your anxiety issues, but they don't seem so bad these days. Think we'll both be fine."

"I'm sure you'll be okay," I agreed. "Try and set this behind you. Both of you. Whatever it takes. I need you focused for the mission. Am I clear?"

"Of course, Shepard," said Garrus.

"Yes," affirmed Tali. "Understood."

And I knew for a fact they would be okay. I knew exactly why. But I didn't want to spoil the surprise.

"Since our business here is done, we'll likely head out tomorrow morning. What else did you have planned for tonight? You going out with the usual gang?"

Garrus told me, "I planned on introducing them to my Dad and sister, yeah. Tali and I will go grab Kaidan and Joker soon. They're getting ready. What about you, Shepard? Any plans for the rest of the evening?"

"Yeah, but it's a surprise."

"Oh?"

Brimming with anticipation, Tali stopped breathing.

"I'm not saying anything more," I teased. "I'd advise you all to stay up late tonight. Just in case."

"Okay, sure," replied Garrus. "No problem. Sounds exciting. We might end up speculating about it."

"And with that, I'd better head off," I announced, standing with them. "Have a good night, you two. If everything goes according to plan, Miranda and I will be in touch with everyone within the next few hours."

After parting ways with Garrus and Tali, I returned to my suite.

I found Miranda back in her Cerberus uniform, fresh out the shower. Of course, we would both end up changing clothes once we entered the VR game. But at least this way, when Liara appeared beside us after exiting the game, Miranda wouldn't be in some embarrassing state of undress. I smiled over Miranda's foresight, kissing her appropriately as my greeting. She smiled at me, coming alive all over again under my gaze. We had this brand new closeness between us, ripe from our time together before. And we didn't need to point it out. We didn't need to say a word. Lying down in bed, Miranda activated our links to Insomnia via our omni-tools, connecting to the VR's servers back on the ship. Just like last time, we both left this plane for another. We ventured off to Insomnia, to this mysterious metropolis. Together we were off to find Liara; off to bring her back home with us at long last.