Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

52. Insomnia - The Throne

"Articles of Impeachment" from House of Cards

LII. Insomnia – The Throne

(Shepard)

Such a strange sense overtook me, appearing back in this sleepless city with Miranda by my side.

Dressed in my same suit as before, silver chain hanging from my side; and she wore her same all-black, dress-variant of her Cerberus uniform, heeled boots and all. And as we approached the endless heights of this headquarters, this building, this structure of my ego, I felt the obvious. So obvious in this shift around me. Undeniable—a deepening of what I'd felt back on Palaven, doubled and digging in deeper.

Perfect clarity of the night skies above. Endless fogs hazing through my head, weighing and weighing.

Those emotions may have originated from someone else. But they continued on and ended with me.

The disquiet I had felt before—over finding Liara again—had shifted to this obvious, undeniable truth:

This woman walking next to me, her hand in mine: I did not, could not trust her. I couldn't trust her judgment. I couldn't trust her loyalties. I couldn't trust her to listen to my concerns, either. Miranda had her set views. She wouldn't change unless the Illusive Man changed reality for her. No matter how much I loved her, I knew how things would go if I tried to do the same. If I tried to tell her myself. If I tried to convince her of the obvious about Cerberus, her illusions with them. She would not believe my words.

This void, that tear in the fabric of my reality—too many of my weaknesses began slipping through. Old feelings for my ex having resurfaced before. Doubts about my relationship; doubts about our future together. Uncertainty about what to believe, what to feel. No longer air-tight, I couldn't keep deluding myself about her. I couldn't keep saying I would be okay after Miranda inevitably betrayed me. I couldn't keep making excuses or acting like I was okay. I didn't even want to mentally check-out again. I didn't want to continue denying my own reality. I just needed to find a solution.

Somehow, that solution felt much farther away by the second.

So much farther when Miranda and I arrived to HQ, with my car from before nowhere to be found.

"Don't tell me," soured Miranda. "The car is still totaled from when it crashed before. This is a terrible inconvenience…" She checked her omni-tool. "Yes, it looks like the car's still undergoing repairs. The engineers within your ego are working overtime. Sadly, we won't be able to use your car tonight."

I checked my own omni-tool. "Where'd you get that information from?"

"I have a list of ongoing tasks within your ego. I'm aware of what's going on at any given time. Most of it, anyway. I doubt I could learn everything. But it's all here within my databases. You don't have them?"

"No, I just have my menu like any other game. Equipment, credits, abilities, navigation system. That's it."

Miranda decided, "Then we'll have to travel around on foot. Better yet, something tells me you might need to locate Liara on your own. You would know her best for this. I'd rather not slow you down."

"Okay, then," I accepted. "What will you do instead?"

"I'll go check on the car's repairs. After that, I'd like to search around for Oriana's location. You've met her, made that connection. I'm sure my sister is somewhere within Insomnia by now. I'll travel around the public transit until I find her. Send me a message once you've found Liara and you're ready to go."

"That's fine. We can meet up here at HQ."

"Sounds wonderful." Miranda eased her smile over my heated face, loving. "I'll see you later, Shepard."

I watched her head inside the building, feeling at a loss.

I had the automatic understanding that Liara was not inside. Nowhere on these premises. Somewhere out in the city instead. But if she wasn't here, then where the hell was she? And how the hell was I supposed to find her without my car? The public transportation system, maybe… So I checked my navigation system to confirm the nearest metro station. HQ Plaza wasn't too far from my location. The problem was, the fare prices looked ridiculous. A few thousand credits just for a one-way trip?

My current credits on-hand: a grand total of zero.

Grumbling in annoyance, searching around the main menu, I looked for the digital shop. The only way I could make credits was by selling the dreams I'd watched, and apparently collected, from the last time I was here. Joker and Kaidan's dreams. Plus the outward spill of Jack's nightmares. I remembered those Collectors pouring out of her nightclub location, Club Inferno, over in the red light district—not too far from Afterlife where Aria might've been right now, sleeping in real life. I went ahead and sold those dreams. As the transaction went through, I figured maybe I could go to my teammates' nearest locations, farm their dreams, and sell them for the transportation fare, for now. And then…my balance went up to an incredible, unbelievable, enviable sum of fifteen credits. Five credits per dream. Seriously.

Was I supposed to go hitchhiking or something?

Miranda sounded confident enough in her plans for the game session. She must've had plenty of credits available in her account. Yet for some reason, I had next to none, even though this was my mind. Was Miranda some kind of VIP in this place? She probably was. I didn't want to borrow money from her, though. I needed to figure this out on my own. Somehow. Or maybe the solution was already on its way.

With that thought, I heard the chiming sounds of a chain-collar, from somewhere behind me.

I turned around and found a wonderful surprise running in my direction.

That same German shepherd dog from before hurried over to me. Major, from the hospital in Kaidan's dream. But if she was out here, then she wasn't just a product of his dream—some character from there. She must've actually lived in this city. And she'd purposely sought me out, happily finding me.

"Major?" I asked, just as she slowed down. She wagged her tail with my acknowledgment.

And she might've barked to say hello, if not for what she had in her mouth.

Folded neatly in place, Major carried what appeared to be a note. She sat down over the pavement, staring up at me; her dark eyes bright with anticipation and devotion. I could tell she wasn't a stray dog, as she'd recently taken a bath. Her shining sable coat looked slightly damp, freshly brushed and groomed as well. So she definitely belonged to someone. Someone who took great care of her. But I couldn't help puzzling over how this pup knew me. She somehow seemed so attached to me, already.

Looking to the note in her mouth, I wondered, "Is this for me?"

Major pattered her front paws atop the ground in excitement.

Smiling over the surprise, I accepted Major's delivery, gently retrieving the note from her mouth. As thanks, I made sure to pet her. Major closed her eyes in contentment, smiling almost. Incredibly sweet.

I opened the note, even more surprised by what this was about and who this was from:

Shepard,

This is very strange. I'm dreaming now, sitting at my desk, in my office at the Citadel. I'm unclear why I'm writing this if I'm supposed to be asleep. But anyway, I've (somehow) approved a shift change for your good friend, Major. She works as a doctor in the hospital at one of our Alliance bases. A dog as a doctor. Can you believe it? Sounds crazy. Then again, I've dreamed of stranger things. Guess this isn't so bad.

Major will be available to accompany you whenever you're here. Where is here? I don't know. I think you know, otherwise I wouldn't have to do this. Very odd. Very odd indeed. I should wake up soon. Hope you're doing all right out there, wherever you are. Try and take it easy, Commander. That's an order.

All the best,

Anderson

As bizarre as this seemed, I couldn't help smiling more over everything.

Major certainly looked ready for anything. She waited for my orders, trusting me as her new friend. Or maybe not-so-new, considering how familiar she was with me. So I slipped Anderson's note into my suit pocket, wondering how to proceed from here. If I couldn't find Liara on my own, and I couldn't get to her with the public transit, then I could possibly rely on Major's help instead. The canine she was, that nose of hers—I wondered if her actual master had trained her on how to sniff out someone's location?

And since she knew me, then maybe…

"Hey Major, do you happen to know Liara? Dr. Liara T'Soni. Have you ever met her?"

Excitable again, Major barked a few times. Judging from her reaction, she in fact knew Liara very well.

"Then could you help me find her?"

Whining a bit, Major stared in the direction of the nearest metro station. She somehow knew I had no money in this game. I couldn't pay the fare. Liara's place really wasn't discoverable on foot, then. But Major knew exactly where Liara lived. Was there some alternative way to get there? There had to be. As I looked up at headquarters, at this manifestation of my ego, I imagined my one solution awaited within.

"Come on," I said, guiding Major with me. "Let's head inside. Hopefully we'll find something."

Major stayed at my side. Together we went up to HQ, up the black shine of the stairs—and into the very same black shine of the interior. Yet I noticed an unusual change throughout. These same transparent people continued to roam about—but only the ones wearing Alliance uniforms. Those same floor lights lit up my footsteps as I went along, guiding Major and me both—but only the blue ones, not the red ones. This headquarters raised up the same heights, the many floors towering above; the endless staircases, escalators, and all the dark, reflective surfaces everywhere, widening and broadening this whole space. Unlike last time, I didn't spot a single Cerberus employee, red floor light, or Cerberus logo.

Dapper decadence and corporate competence:

My ego toiled on, stronger than before, yet without that specific unity between red and blue.

At last, my ego had bent beneath the weight of my intolerance, breaking those obvious symbols.

But if this kept up, I worried I would break somehow.

If I kept stressing out about this; if I kept questioning Miranda's loyalties as my one raging insecurity…

Navigating this place, I took Major with me to the central elevator. We went up to the 60th floor, as I remembered from before. That main hub above the foyer, holding all those rooms. Those rooms reflective of my state of mind, whatever I repressed or remembered or regretted at the time. I imagined finding something of Liara in one of the rooms. Something to give to Major, to help hone her sense of smell, to find our target. I wasn't sure if Major would be able to track Liara's scent all across the city like this. But I had to at least try. I had to make the most of my time, all without that ground car of mine.

Passing up these heights, Insomnia's skyline at night rose higher and higher, spread wider and wider. At ease, Major sat closest to the cylindrical glass, staring out in fascination at the sights beyond. I opened my omni-tool again. Checking the menu, I found that Miranda was still in my party—along with Major, amusingly enough. She had joined our party as well. I laughed a bit over Major's photorealistic character model happily wagging her tail next to me in the menu. Checking around, I pinpointed Miranda's location: currently sitting in a VIP metro car underground. So she really had her own credits after all. Yet she'd had no idea that I was broke. Or maybe she had some special permissions, sitting in that VIP area.

I definitely didn't have those same permissions.

Then again, if Insomnia was like the Normandy, this meant I was the captain. I would want my crew to have whatever luxuries they could enjoy. I wouldn't want any of that for myself. I'd make the sacrifice.

Except now, those sacrifices had come back to seriously inconvenience me.

At the 60th floor, Major and I wandered the hallways.

I had no idea where to start. Which door to open. Which option to choose. I assumed I would find something of Liara within, as I'd actively had her on my mind these days. Then again, these doors supposedly kept much more than that beyond. Way more than what I could assume, what I could know in my waking hours, conscious as I was. I had no idea what to expect. That single element inspired my indecision, hesitating to stop at a door, to open a single one. But I had to start somewhere. I just had to.

Taking this chance, I opened a door at random.

Standing in the doorway, I arrived at another dimension of sorts. Two worlds in one—the expected interior of HQ behind me, and this unexpected place in front of me. Club music blasting, entertainment riling. There before me, I saw Aria's Afterlife club on Omega. This prime spot, the raised steps, that leather couch just ahead of me. And Aria herself stood there with her back to me, right in front of her black leather perch. Arms folded, facing Afterlife's central lights of pink and mauve and more. That white of her leather jacket lit up in this spectacle, the brand of her logo, her ego pressed over her back just so.

For some reason, it felt like Aria was waiting for me.

Waiting for me to approach her directly.

Waiting.

I shut the door as a kneejerk reaction.

Reeling a bit—maybe in denial—I moved on.

I opened the next door.

Again, the dazzle of Afterlife's lights and music and ambiance brightened before me—and Aria's silhouette appeared, exactly the same with her back turned, leaving a long, long shadow behind her.

I shut the door again.

Another door, and another door, and another door—I kept seeing the same fucking thing over and over.

Aria at Afterlife.

Aria.

Aria.

Aria.

Nearly shaken, disheveled, I let out an unsteady breath. Stuck in a maddened loop, I was about to open another door. Or walk away. I couldn't decide. I had no idea what any of this meant. Why this went on.

But then Major sat by the door I'd just closed. Whining gently, she stared up at me in worry. Tail flapping lightly over the floor, Major appeared expectant. Like she wanted me to face this, whatever it was. I stared back at her, completely at a loss. How did she know? I could only communicate with her via yes or no questions and answers. She couldn't hold a real conversation with me, and yet she knew my mind.

Then again, this understanding of ours seemed more valuable than words.

I opened the door again, stepping inside this time.

The door closed behind me, as if disappearing into the painting of this alternate reality.

Just like before, I found Aria within. Up at the top of this short flight of stairs. Standing by her couch with her back turned, arms folded; gazing out to the expanse of her nightclub. Most definitely waiting for me.

I walked toward the first step, setting my foot there.

The crisp, hardened sound of my boot connecting with the floor's material sounded clearer than it should have. As if I'd somehow forgotten to step quietly, undetectable. More than that, this chain hanging from my side signaled my presence anyway. I could but stare up at Aria in front of me, how she continued to stand there. She'd turned her head toward me, ever-so-slight over her shoulder. Just enough to signal her perception of me. Not enough for her to see this look on my face; the crease of my suit pant lining down my bent leg, staying on this step, staying at this juncture. Waiting for her now.

Aria discarded all emotion from her voice, speaking to me as a stranger—

Yet the substance of her words conveyed the opposite sentiments:

"So you finally decided to show up. You've kept me waiting for a long time, Shepard. A very long time."

"I don't understand, Aria," I tried. "What do you mean, I kept you waiting? What are you talking about?"

The crests atop her head, the pointed ends of them above the nape of her neck—they stayed perfectly still. But from this angle, and from Aria's apparent indifference, that sight seemed to claw at me.

So displeased. "Don't give me that. You should know exactly what I'm talking about."

Maybe I did.

"No, I don't. Tell me what you mean."

"For the longest, you acted a certain way around me. Like you didn't give a damn. Like you had everything all figured out. You were too busy sleeping with the enemy. You didn't realize how much danger you were in. But now, you're beginning to see. You're finally waking up to your reality. And you know now—if you don't listen to your instincts, she'll only end up destroying you. Just like Ashley did."

Nearly shaken, I asked, "How do you know that? How can you possibly know these fears of mine?"

Aria resumed staring out at the light. "I don't know anything," she claimed. "Not for certain. I only know as much as you do. This 'version' of me, anyway. You can think of me as your voice of reason. I'm telling you the truths you've yet to face. What you run away from each day. Every single time you give her the benefit of the doubt—whenever you hold your fears back, this all gets worse and worse. You won't risk an argument with her because you know how that would go. So you're at least somewhat self-aware."

"Then you think I'm walking into a trap—with Miranda, her loyalty to Cerberus. The Illusive Man."

"It isn't what I think, Shepard. It's what you and I both know."

Of course I knew… "Where is this coming from? How do I know for sure? How do you know?"

"She's still terrified of making a so-called mistake, as you now understand. The thing is, she's naïve. She needs to be secure with you. As long as you keep giving her that security, she'll keep walking you across this plank to the dark waters below. She honestly believes the love you share is enough. Enough to get you through anything the two of you might face. But you and I both know that's not how this works."

Helpless, I needed to know—"What am I supposed to do, then? Walk away from her? Just like that? We have a responsibility. Our relationship is about more than her or me. It's so much more than all of us!"

"I know the stakes. I'm not telling you to change your path. You love her too much for any of that."

"There's nothing I can fucking do, then. Nothing. I have to love her…"

Aria went silent for a moment. Not as a pause. But as a challenge.

She challenged me to consider what I had just said.

My obligations…or my own survival.

"The wheels are turning," she noticed. "Let's take this one step at a time. You fell for her because she protected you. Because of her choices, her decisions. Not because of who she is. If you think about it, she gave you no choice but to love her. You felt obligated to return the favor, and so you started dating her quite quickly. Ashley wasn't even dead for a day by the time you made your move. You know why."

"Yeah, because I…saw something in her."

Aria corrected me: "You saw what you wanted to see in the moment. You felt abandoned. Angry and alone. She's maternal enough to sate your needs. But you forget, Shepard. Of the two of us, I'm the one who's actually a mother. Of course I don't act like it. Still, you don't understand how far I would go to protect you. Farther than she ever will. Had you given me a chance, you would've seen this for yourself."

She really did have a point. More than one.

"Aria—am I still speaking to my voice of reason? Or is this you?"

"I'm just your voice of reason," she reinforced. "Once again, I'm pointing out what you already know. You fell in love with her because of her decisions. It's only fitting that her decisions will also be her downfall in the end. So I'm warning you, right now—stop ignoring your instincts. Stop falling into your fucking feelings, feeling depressed; acting like you have no idea why. You do know why. And stop pretending as if you don't think about me at all. Stop acting like you don't want me. It's getting old."

As much as her words pained me—my own instincts—she was right.

I was right.

Reason and rhyming, rhyming and reason.

I would be a fool to fall into the same traps as before, even after seeing them from lightyears away.

Aria continued on, "If you want the rest, leave this room. Find me in my office. We'll speak there."

"You actually work here?"

"Yes, though the real me isn't entirely aware of it. Not yet. You only have an unconscious understanding of my place in this building, this world, this network. You need more. Head outside and go to the Office of Egotism and Urban Development on this floor. You'll find my unconscious self there. Have that talk."

"Understood, Aria. Thank you for being honest with me. For telling it like it is."

Glancing at me again, she riddled, "I'll always be honest with myself, Shepard. And I know you will, too."

The door reappeared behind me.

I stepped back through the opening, returning to Insomnia's headquarters, back to this hallway.

Back to the silence of this space. I felt the gravity of my realizations pushing up, lifting me to my waking enlightenment. At the same time, the only sounds around greeted me in warmth. I heard the sounds of Major's breathing, interspersed with this clarity. She stared up at me again. Not as worried this time, not as concerned, she looked glad to see me. And I could only wonder what went through her own mind.

"Major, do you know how to get to Aria's office?"

Tilting her head to one side, Major looked stumped.

I asked instead, "Do you know who Aria is? Have you ever met her?"

Still the same reaction.

So she knew Liara, Miranda, and me. But not Aria, for some reason, even though she worked here.

Maybe Major didn't know the particulars of my mind. But she knew just enough to read my emotions.

Checking my omni-tool, I pulled up the navigation system.

The Office of Egotism and Urban Development.

I had apparently walked past it the last time I was here, without realizing. So I headed in that direction. I didn't need to tell Major to follow me. She stayed right at my heel, keeping me company in comfort.

---

At the door to Aria's office, I noticed a strange presence.

Two Alliance marine sentries stood guard at either side of this entrance.

Now that I noticed them, I spotted even more down the hallway, standing guard elsewhere.

The ones here felt more vigilant. As if the sentries had also protected the information within from myself. Because I really had ignored this. Brushed it aside. I'd acted as if I had Aria all figured out. I'd assumed she would keep her ego as that block between us; that she would never change. Besides, I had my relationship with Miranda. What was the point in thinking this deeply and intensely about someone else? I'd already gone through a whole soap opera with Liara—and that same drama had brought me to Insomnia tonight. But as I'd realized earlier, those feelings coming up were just a wakeup call for me. They'd revealed the flaws in my system—my system of putting up blinders and hoping for the best. Hoping for the best with Miranda someday…when I knew just how risky that was. How foolish it was.

The Illusive Man had to know I would figure out this ruse by now.

He knew…and still he encouraged Miranda to be with me anyway.

These contradictions made me suspect he wasn't in complete control here.

Entering this darkened luxury of Aria's office, Major followed me inside this time. Her paws sounded most acute along the dark marble of the floor. Her chain collar sounded just as identifying as she walked along. Secluded and occluded from the general rhythm and routine of HQ, this office space looked a lot like the rest of the building. That same high ceiling. The cinematic views of the picture windows raised up to that height, open to the soaring heights and sights outside in the night. This huge, open space all around, and not a single light—only the natural moonlight shining in, shadowing shades. No computer or desk space. No other items or plants or anything around. No staff anywhere. No other people within, except these reflections over the floor, drawing me with those slabs of fine marble.

Just that familiar black leather couch, facing out to the windows.

And Aria herself standing nearest the couch, using her omni-tool to work.

This change of her outfit, I hadn't expected. The same clothes, but different colors. Black all over in the same places. Violet replaced where the whites and reds had been. This darkness read differently on her.

When she saw me, Aria's surprise certainly brightened more in contrast.

"Captain?" she asked. "I wasn't planning on staying at the office this late. Do you…need something?"

I approached her, saying, "Aria, it's me. I'm actually here."

She seemed to understand.

"You must be using that game of yours. No wonder."

Rather reserved, Major looked up at Aria, observing her.

Reserved and observing right back, Aria took special note of my companion.

"This must be Major," she figured. "I've heard a lot about you. It's nice to finally meet you for myself."

Major wagged her tail, warming up a little.

Aria smirked at her. "How adorable," she said. "Captain. Shepard, I should say. I'm glad you decided to stop by. I'm not sure if you're aware—but I'm not aware of our conversation right now. You are. In real life, I'm asleep in bed. This is all a dream to me. And when I wake up, it's likely I won't remember any of this. But it's not important. You and I need to have this talk. Someday, I'll become aware. At some point in the future, I'll fall asleep and wake up to this unconscious reality. It won't just be a dream anymore."

"When you do think that'll happen?" I asked.

"Well, I'm an asari. You and I have our growing bond. These states of reality are bound to converge for me down the line. I don't believe it will happen any time soon. Besides, you shouldn't worry about it."

"Then should I not bring this conversation up to you in real life?"

"That would be best," decided Aria. "Feel free to hold the information over me. It'll be your special secret for a while. At least until I wake up. For now, let's sit and have a talk. Come with me."

Together we sat down on her couch, facing Insomnia's stunning vistas outside the windows.

Aria and I kept a fair distance from each other. In some ways, this felt like a normal business conversation, like the ones we'd had at Afterlife before. In many other ways, this felt like a lot more. Yet we remained too cautious to make it so. Making it with closeness, with proximity. Not now, not like this.

Major situated herself over my shoes, lying down over the floor like that. I felt a pure warmth from her.

Aria told me, "I've seen this with humans and your dogs before. Is there some deeper meaning here?"

"I think it just means she's protective. She's being affectionate. Or maybe she's…worried about me."

"To be honest, I feel the same way. I can tell how alone you are. You're running out of people to trust."

I hated feeling like this—"When you put it like that, I never really had anyone to trust in the first place."

"Not in the way you need, no," agreed Aria. "That strong loyalty you require—unyielding lealty. I understand how much you need it. How much you want to love someone unconditionally. As sensitive as you are, deep down, you need that stability. But you're not getting it out of your relationship."

This was exactly why I'd refused to talk to Aria about Miranda earlier, when she'd called me.

I didn't want to go down this rabbit hole.

I didn't want Aria to tell me what I already knew—what I couldn't keep denying any longer.

Because Aria also knew: "Unfortunately, the same is true of Little Liara. She and your girlfriend have an alliance together. I see it when they interact. They think they know what's best for you. They will always be loyal to that alliance—to how much they know better—over what you actually need. It sickens me."

So Miranda had her own version here. Best of friends with Liara, they were loyal to each other already.

Somehow that didn't surprise me…

Aria wondered, "How are you feeling, Shepard? Really. I want to know. You look…a little lost."

"That's because I am lost," I admitted. "I'm actually trying with Miranda. I'm making a real effort with her. I thought that would be enough. I thought I could just throw myself into our relationship, and everything would work out in the end. Listening to you now, I realize I was too idealistic. And naïve."

"Just because you're trying, that doesn't mean she's worth your time and effort. You see her for exactly who she is—and that person is what you fear most in life. That darkness, the disloyalty. The secrets, the lies. They're supposed to be your clear warning signs. Not an invitation to continue full-steam ahead."

I challenged her, "Aren't you that person, too? Isn't that how you operate on Omega?"

"Shepard, it's how we both operate. When we feel threatened, we retreat to the shadows. We keep our secrets. We maintain our walls, our secrecy. So when you see someone else doing this, even in the absence of any such threats, it causes problems. I'm the same way. We both know precisely what it means to be in that state. We are fundamentally untrustworthy; we don't trust the people around us."

Once again, she had a point. Even in this state, she still acted as my voice of reason.

"Then who are you, Aria? Why should I trust you?"

Aria regarded me in earnest. "People like you and me—what we are, how we've turned out…the only ones we can truly know and trust are ourselves. I am you. And you are me. It's really as simple as that."

"If that's true…how can you sit by and watch me be with someone I don't trust?"

"Well, there's a reason for that. A certain someone assumes I'm afraid to get close. That's why I'm not chasing after you. This may be true in real life. But in this state, I know the truth. I'm biding my time. We asari take the long view in life. It's rare that I act recklessly for short-term gains. This is no exception."

Biding her time.

Taking the long view.

This sounded too familiar.

I needed to know, "Then what are you waiting for?"

"I'm waiting for the same thing you are. We both know your girlfriend is supposed to wake up one day. She'll finally see the truth of what Cerberus is. She'll understand the Illusive Man, what he's really about. When that happens, you'll have a choice to make. If you decide that you still love her, and you still want to be with her, then I'll accept the outcome. I'll be heartbroken…but I will wish you the best. But if not, then that's when our dynamic will change. You might decide to be on your own. You might decide to take a chance on me. Or maybe you'll take her back someday. Who knows? We'll have to see."

"Then how do you plan on biding your time? How are you going to handle this in real life?"

Aria quoted Miranda's favorite saying—

"Never interrupt your enemy when she is making a mistake."

Her ruthlessness broke at my denials a little more, just a little more.

In the midst of this shattering, Aria encouraged me, "With that said, you don't need to change, or deviate from where you are. Just protect yourself. Keep from getting too hurt when the truth comes out. Whatever happens with the Reapers, and those responsibilities of yours… I promise I'll stick by you. Always. No matter what that may entail. Can you accept this about me? Will you take me at my word?"

"Yes, I will," I told her. "I'll follow your advice, too. I'm just not sure if Miranda will notice."

"She won't notice. No one will. I plan on taking matters into my own hands. With your permission."

"What do you mean?"

"For starters, I'll help you keep a lid on this. Literally. She won't be able to find out. This will keep her from yelling at you, arguing about it. Same thing with Liara. You and I both know how nosey she is. No respect for your privacy. I can limit their knowledge, keeping this information out of their reach."

"How?"

Surprisingly gentle, Aria gestured for me to come closer.

As I shifted nearer, Major shifted away. Her chain-collar clinked along; she moved closer to the window, lounging there. Facing that view, she seemed to give us our space like this. She trusted Aria enough. I found some comfort in her trust, helping me relax like this. Lying across this space on the couch; setting my head over the unexpected warmth of Aria's lap. This firm, plush feeling of her fit thighs, welcoming me in this heat—it felt like I'd finally set my head down to rest after years and years of going nonstop.

Going nonstop: never truly resting, never really taking a moment to myself, away from everything else.

Staring out at Insomnia past the windows, this felt like the first time I'd actually decided to lie down.

Aria hovered her hands over my head, silently asking for permission to touch my hair, the length of it.

I nodded.

That alluring gentleness, Aria gave to me as touch, running her hands through my hair. Absolute relief flooded me. Relief to be able to relax like this. Relief that I had found this peace in someone I'd never expected to trust. Even more relief that Aria seemed to make me her exception. She didn't expect anything from me in return. I would've never guessed it, given how transactional she was in real life.

Ever since Eden Prime, my entire perspective of Aria had shifted, changed.

Aria seemed to sense my thoughts.

"This is how," she whispered. "I'll keep your secrets safe with me, locked away in this special place. I know how to cover my tracks to keep anyone from finding out…"

I noticed an eerie condition hanging at the end of her words. "What's the catch…?"

"If you choose to do this, there will be other consequences. That's all. I'm not sure if you'll like them."

"Tell me anyway, Aria. What are these consequences?"

"There's something you should know first," she warned. "Your girlfriend spends a lot of her energy trying to mirror you. Trying to live up to your expectations. Trying to bend herself around what you feel is acceptable. The truth is, she's hiding who she really is. Certainly, her feelings are genuine. She would never set out to hurt you on purpose. But the fact of the matter is, she's not genuine. Not like you are."

Listening to these words echoed at something in me.

Something I had suspected for a long time, but didn't want to face.

Back when I worried about liking Miranda too much, not long after we first started dating—I had sensed this darkness about her. Something of her control, her need to control. Something of her desire to control me in ways I wasn't used to. Ways I had only thought I liked, but actually terrified me in reality.

"Shepard, you already know. If I pull this trigger, the consequences will be obvious. It won't change you at all, because this is who you are. And it won't change her, either. More so, it will reveal who she is. You can think of this as an acceleration process. However she was going to behave in the future, farther down the line, she'll start acting that way sooner. Whether it happens now or later, it truly feels…inevitable."

"You're right," I agreed. "Go ahead and do it, then. I need to see this for myself."

Even with my convictions, I couldn't help worrying over the mirrored issue in front of us.

Aria reassured me, "Yes, I do know how to keep secrets. But I will never keep them from you. I won't lie to you, either. Not directly, by omission. You've heard it all before by this point. I'm absolutely serious."

"I should have every reason not to believe you."

"You should. Yet I know you accept me as I am. You just need the special treatment. I'm giving it to you."

"Why me?" I asked. "I know you have other people after you. Someone in particular wants to be with you again. Why did you decide I'm worth this trouble? Feels like I'm terrible at relationships. Everyone who's with me ends up destroyed, broken. This cycle keeps repeating. I'm the common denominator."

"Shepard, don't," insisted Aria. "Don't get so down on yourself. I know from your memories: what Saren told you years ago. He tried to discourage you from this. He made you believe you were the problem, as if you were incapable of loving someone reliably. Let alone in the way you need, to take down the Reapers once they arrive. It isn't your fault when someone sees your deal-breakers, those red lines of yours, and steps right over them. You haven't done anything wrong. If anything, I wish you would put yourself first a little more. I see your struggles every day. And I just want to take care of you. That's all."

"I never expected this from you, Aria. I never thought I'd end up—liking you like this."

"I know… I don't show this side of myself to anyone. Even Liselle barely sees it. I went through centuries of people tearing this truth away from me. You were the first person to remind me of who I am, what I'm capable of feeling again. So now I'm here for you. Besides, as capable as you are, I refuse to let anything happen to you. If you're not careful, Cerberus might end up ruining you. I don't want that."

"I figured they were up to something. It's another reason why I have these trust issues. Even if Miranda's not involved, her father and her boss are still a problem for me. They always will be."

"Don't worry about any of that, Shepard. I have it on good authority that they won't be a problem for much longer. Cerberus is finished. It's only a matter of time at this point."

"Really?" I asked. Miranda seemed completely oblivious to this. "How do you know? What's going on?"

"The Illusive Man lost one of his top military generals to the Council. He got cocky, overstepped his bounds in Council space. C-Sec and some other Spectres came knocking shortly afterward. This Cerberus VIP sang like a bird, confessing all. Now the Illusive Man is under proper investigation. What the Council discovered was bad enough to void the pact they had with him before. To put it nicely, he's fucked. And even if law enforcement doesn't take him down, Cerberus will implode on itself. That's to say nothing of Mr. Henry Lawson. I predict he'll fall with the rest of them. So you can breathe easy about this."

Breathing easier already, I accepted Aria's verdict and wisdom.

I could finally let go of this strange sense, this deepening despair that had nearly gotten to me.

I could move forward, waiting for the future to play out. Not reacting to anything; anticipating instead.

Aria had given me my solution. Again and again—so very unexpected from her.

As much as Insomnia's darkened reflection glowed over her bright irises, she saw me with such totality.

"Let this play out as it needs to, babe," she soothed, lulling me in languor. "You don't need to fret. You have enough stress in your life as it is. It'll all work out. Trust me. In the meantime, I will keep up appearances as needed. But, eventually…that may change. If you want it to." Aria looked to me, leaning down more, smooth. "You'll learn just how romantic I can be for you. In a ruthless sense. Count on it…"

Smoother than smooth, Aria sealed my soothing with the depths of her breaths over mine. Deep and dark, dark and deep, this shape of her varnished lips vaulted me in place: down under her, wrapped up in this stirring tundra of her emotions. Grayscale I once saw her in, brightening in size and in light and in form—this reality of Aria's truths woke me up. Enraptured and captured, Aria knew just how to bend my mind in place. With this bending, I stayed still in physicality, but this churning in my chest turned me inside-out, steaming and leaning down more as she inched her tongue over and in. This expanse of heat she gave me fleshed out as red all over, tinting my skin and tanning my whole body, singing and singing.

Pathos as shadows, I felt exactly what Aria gave to me.

Dulcet and dripping with meaning, she pressed her pressures into me with the finest of leaning.

Even in this darkness, she gave me the underlying light and optimism in her spirit. So much sunlight raying into me. Such depths of memories she wouldn't recall in the morning, or the next or the next.

Only I would remember this, and Aria gifted it to me anyway.

She had absolutely nothing to gain.

Not in the short-term.

And when she pulled away, I caught the radiance in her eyes. How she gazed at me. How she used her fingertips—trembling ever-so-slight—to blend in these emotions beneath my skin. This violet of her skin, the fashion of her persona, the aesthetic of the markings over her face: she had this power over me.

But after this long, indulgent while, Aria had to look away.

She possessed enough self-control to re-posses herself before me.

Facing reality once more, she murmured, "I know you need my words, Shepard. I know you want to know more about me. You'll find out in my email. I'll try not to take as long, now that I have your curiosity. Expect something from me within the next couple of weeks or so. Can you be patient for me?"

"Yes," I breathed out. "That's fine."

"Good. Now…you should continue on your way. Go find Little Liara and bring her back home. If I knew where she lived, I would certainly tell you myself. But I think you're on the right track. You'll find her."

"Thank you," I said, sitting up anew. Standing tall before her. "I'll let you get back to work, then."

Aria gave me a suggestive look, before opening her omni-tool, dismissing me in an evocative silence.

Major clamored to her feet, staying with me as I made to leave the office space.

Somewhere between the chimes of my own chain moving, I stopped.

Somehow, I knew what else Aria needed to say, echoing across:

"Shepard… Please be discreet. I shouldn't have to explain what I mean."

"Understood, Aria."

Still relieved, and grateful for her exceptions, I left Aria's office, at last absolved of my solvent struggles.

---

Back within those hallways, Major and I resumed our quest for a relevant room, a relevant something.

And after a while, I found a door that seemed a bit different. I opened it, hoping for the best.

Through this different door, I entered into an old familiarity.

Brimming with nostalgia, I found my old room on the original Normandy. This deep indigo space from the SR-1 enveloped me in a comforting hold. Everything looked exactly the same. Preserved in this peace from right before the Collectors attacked, destroying so much more than just my ship. I felt at home again. Homely in a way my room on the SR-2 couldn't compare to, I enjoyed this blast from the past. I roamed the space, taking the whole mood in. Remembering my memories. The good and the bad.

As I sat down on the couch, Major sat just by my legs. I scratched the back of her ear, and smoothed down her coat, smiling over her gratified reactions. She seemed to notice something nearby. I spotted the way she stared at the item, sniffing in interest. I looked over in that direction, finding a familiar blue blanket. Major walked over to the blanket, sniffing more at it. She kept on as I picked up the folded blue for myself, finding this soft material with my hands. This breezy scent had stayed within the threading.

"Still smells like her," I muttered. "Major, do you think you can find Liara now?"

Major gave a bark of approval.

"Okay, good. Lead the way. I'll follow you."

Excitable, Major led me back out to the hallway, and over to the elevator. Getting me back outside the building, I hoped Liara's location wasn't too far away. I had promised Garrus and Tali that I'd surprise everyone soon. And I knew I wouldn't come back empty-handed, but this still felt entirely surreal to me.

Though I didn't expect Major to head toward the sight of the Migrant Fleet submerged underwater.

Not too far away at all, this unbelievable locale was just a block down from headquarters.

When we arrived to the sea stacked with the quarians' ships, Major sat before the shoreline. Whining a little, she seemed confused, almost questioning her decision. She sniffed at the ground right at the water's edge, double-checking, triple-checking. But then she started wagging her tail, confirming that this was indeed the correct place. Liara was supposedly somewhere within the Flotilla… Her location was there, and yet I specifically remembered driving past here before. The navigation system had only marked Tali belonging here, not Liara, even though it made sense that they would both be together.

I checked my navigation system again.

"Why the hell is it just showing Tali?" I questioned. "Is this thing broken?"

Something definitely wasn't right.

More than that, I was surprised by the state of the Migrant Fleet. I had assumed before that it was underwater because Tali was upset with me. She and I had our friendship again. And yet her home still remained like this, well out of my reach. So maybe it had nothing to do with me. This was intentional.

I figured the quarians used some type of public transport to get from underwater to Insomnia's surface.

How was I supposed to get down there with no money?

Feeling playful, Major went into the shallowest waters along the nearby incline. She went in just far enough to get wet and swim around a bit. Not too far to risk sinking too deeply. I didn't want Major to try her luck, going farther in and risk drowning. I gestured for her to return to me.

"Major, no," I worried. "You shouldn't do that. There's no telling how deep this place goes. Come back."

Head bobbing along above water, Major paddled back to dry land.

As soon as she made it back, she shook her coat off, sending water flying all over the place.

"Damnit! Fuck!"

Cursing more complaints over the sudden onslaught, I shut my eyes, shielding myself from the water. I didn't want to get my hair wet, or my suit! Major drooped her ears in guilt, looking apologetic over what she had caused. But as I expected my hair and my outfit to get ruined, I found the opposite. Aside from the physical sensation of the water hitting me, nothing else had happened. My clothes weren't wet at all. Neither was my hair, my skin. Nothing stuck to me. Nothing.

The water just rolled off of me like I was made of plastic.

Kneeling down, I dipped my hand into the sea. The same thing happened. The water made contact with my skin, but it slipped away without sticking to me. Gathering my hair in place, I leaned down, drenching my face—and I found that I could still breathe as normal. Underwater, underneath this blue: I breathed as if I were on land, unobstructed and unbothered. Somewhere beneath, I caught a glimpse of the Rayya, Tali's birth ship. She and Liara had to be there. And when I pulled back out, again, I was still dry.

It looked like I had my next solution.

"I should be all right, Major," I said. "I'll swim down and find Liara. Thanks for your help. And for spending time with me." I ruffled up the still-wet fur over her head, glad that Major looked so amused. "Why don't you go ahead and find Miranda? Keep her company. I'll meet up with you two later."

Major barked a few times, circling around me in delight. Then she hurried off in the direction of HQ Plaza, the metro station there. She stopped once, looking over at me. Just to make sure I was okay. Satisfied enough, she continued on her way, filled with such energy and vigor. I envied her innocence.

I walked farther into the water along the shore, steadily submerging myself.

As strange as this felt, I had to trust in the process.

With this trust, I went all-in.

Underwater, breathing as normal, I swam through this sea of surreal wonders. The Flotilla's many ships and their gigantic liveships—each appeared connected to an underwater submarine network. Those transits took their riders from ship to ship, or all the way to the main station closer to the surface, connecting to some other location far beyond. Since the quarians were such isolationists, I wondered if they had done this on purpose, secluding themselves from the rest of Insomnia in this way.

This city felt like such a safe place. Were the quarians just that paranoid?

Or was there some other reason for needing to hide their entire fleet like this?

Unless this was Liara's doing—and she lived down here to escape a certain someone.

Reaching the Rayya, I entered the nearest docking tube. I passed through the space, water draining all around me. The decontamination system started shortly afterward. Then I walked through the airlock, entering to the familiar space of this quarian design. I somehow remembered the way to Tali's house, making my way there. The quarians themselves walked around with their suits and masks, just like in real life. They also paid me no mind, as if they were used to seeing me pass through the area by now.

Right where Tali's house should've been, I instead found a different door.

This looked like the front of Liara's elegant mansion back in Armali, on Thessia.

The door unlocked for me automatically.

I entered to this darkened space, transporting me back to those days I'd spent here. This entrance hall, these hallways, the smaller living room and the larger one; the many guest rooms within this lower floor alone. Liara's childhood home had impressed me the first time, and it only continued to do so this time. That the waters outside existed beyond the windows, like it was no big deal—I stared out in awe, enjoying this ethereal blue nightlight highlighting the space everywhere. And I went upstairs, following this light. Following my instincts. Figuring Liara was somewhere in her room by now. Waiting for me.

Down this hallway, I arrived at the door to her bedroom.

The red of her lock glowed before me.

I remembered our final conversation back on the Normandy:

"Now go to her," Liara had requested, speaking of Ashley. "You can't keep putting this off anymore."

"Yeah, okay," I'd accepted. "I'll spare you the details later… But I'll tell you if anything changes."

"Very well, Shepard. Whenever you would like us to speak again, please let me know. I will return then."

With my remembrance, the door to Liara's bedroom unlocked for me, green permissions glowing.

Before I could even knock, the door opened automatically.

I stepped inside to this deep indigo ambiance, just like from my old ship, my old room. Not at all the same as my private cabin, Liara's breezy scent found me throughout. And I found Liara herself, sitting at her desk near the wall. Surrounded by these bookcases and texts, she worked there beneath the light of the sea from the window. If not for those identifiable crests along the back of her head, I might not have recognized her. The fitted lab coat she wore, all-black with violet tints—it gave off a dull shine in this lighting, covering Liara in such a dark luster. One I definitely hadn't expected to find, yet it made sense.

The moment she stopped working, and turned around, I felt the weight of my responsibilities.

Responsible as I was—for ruining her. Ruining her spirit. Ruining her life with my choices.

Even if I hadn't pulled the trigger myself, I still saw the ways I had changed her.

Because when Liara approached me, I didn't recognize this person anymore.

This hard look in her eyes, shielding the remnants of her old self there, somewhere. I felt entirely at fault for taking that away, for leaving mere remnants behind. This harsh edge about her still held something of her. Something of Liara's natural curiosities, her gentleness, her easygoing attitude and mindset.

Something, but not enough.

The way she regarded me, I knew Liara still felt angry. Angry at me for what I had done. Angry enough to not even want to give me a hug.

As she should have been.

"Liara," I said, hardly recognizing this moment, so surreal. "I think you know I was able to swim here. Was that—did you give me that ability? Seems like it's from you. You know, with the water and all…"

"Yes, it's from me," replied Liara, a stiff cadence to her voice. "You don't enjoy getting your hair wet."

Even with her resentments, Liara still chose to be considerate.

"Well, thanks… Thank you for the sniper rifle, too. The Widow you thought of. I really like it."

"I hoped you would."

Apparently dismissive of my attempts at small-talk, Liara went to sit on her bed. I followed her, stayed in front of her. I stood right before Liara, watching as she watched me. She didn't seem expectant. She didn't seem to know how this talk would go. But I could tell she had waited for this for a long time. The whole time I had spent in my own anger, setting her aside, moving on with someone else, continuing on with the mission, vaguely missing her in the back of my mind—Liara had been here, in this place, working on and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. And now I made her wait more with my blank silence.

So I knelt before her, just so she wouldn't have to keep looking up at me.

And as this deference. Lowering myself like this, Liara took some of the edge off.

She found more patience, listening to my words:

"Listen, Liara. I'm—I'm sorry. I really can't apologize enough for what I did. Everything I did, whether it was on purpose or not. I failed you back then. You didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. And that's on me. No one else. I should've been that person—when you needed to tell me something, I would've listened to you no matter what. You knew I wasn't. You made that judgment. As much as it hurts, you made the right call. I'm sorry for that. For leaving you behind. For everything… I mean it."

As understandably angry as she was, Liara truly did listen to me.

She couldn't hold her grudges for too long. Not long at all. Not in an obvious sense.

Liara leaned down to me instead. Falling into this forgiveness, she held me around my shoulders, around my neck. She leaned into me, leaned against me. Letting me hold her like this—after so fucking long.

She could've gripped me so much harder in emotion. Yet she chose to hold herself back.

Liara sniffled lightly, whispering in my ear, "I'm sorry as well. For what I did to Ashley while the two of you were still together. And for sharing those intimate details about you with Tali…though my actions had the unintended consequence of keeping her alive. Still, it wasn't my place to divulge those details."

"It's okay, Liara. Don't worry about any of that. I'm just glad you're here. You're all right."

"Mostly… I resent the Illusive Man's claims about me. He believed I could be so easily thrown away. As if I didn't matter anymore. That couldn't be further from the truth. Without me, none of this would be possible. But of course, he doesn't know that. I'm not quite sure if you fully appreciate the truth, either."

I felt such a momentous meaning from those words, those declarations.

Pulling away a bit, looking at Liara properly, I asked her, "What do you mean by that?"

"Miranda may be the one sitting on this throne in your mind, and in your heart. But make no mistake, Shepard—I am the throne."

Bewildered, all I could do was stare at her.

Liara had no desire to explain herself. She just moved away from me. Standing up, she turned her back in my direction. Sniffling more, she wiped at her eyes, making certain I couldn't see how many tears she'd shed over me. But she didn't have to show me. I could imagine the view. I could picture how her eyes had welled up, those near-crystals of her kindness shining with her emotions. Mixed emotions, mixing with her lingering contempt, and her newfound pride to not show weakness around me.

I stood up, tried going over to her.

But Liara whisked herself away, off to her desk. Off to pick up the tissue there, still nursing her now-broken pride. Maybe she hadn't wanted to cry around me. Maybe she'd promised herself she wouldn't do it. She let these tense moments pass between us, still as the still-waters shining through her window.

"Liara…"

Emotions under control, Liara spoke through her stuffed nose—"It's going to take time."

"I understand."

I gave her a moment longer to keep breathing normally.

Because I didn't want this to be a foregone conclusion:

"I want you to come back with me. I want you to join the team again. And I want to say it'll be just like old times, but…"

"I'd much rather it not be like old times," said Liara. "I'm looking forward to something different. But I will join you, Shepard. Certainly."

This old feeling of knowing I could count on her again—I would've smiled, if it were appropriate.

I knew it wasn't.

Looking around Liara's library of a room, I asked her, "So…what've you been up to around here?"

"Reading. Studying. Working. Watching over you as best as I can. The usual. My life and routine still haven't changed, even after death. I've remained completely predictable after all this time. Unlike you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Reddened as her eyes were, I was glad Liara at least looked at me again.

"You are different," she clarified. "There's another side of you I do not have access to. Another realm of your thoughts and emotions you keep hidden. After all, it's been over two years. I expected you to change. Yet you remain adamant in your belief that people don't change. I wonder if you still think so."

"Liara, that's always been me. I don't like giving away a ton of access to myself. Not even for you. Sorry."

"Maybe that is true. I suppose my full access was a mere illusion before. Not even Miranda can find everything of you. You keep us locked out on purpose. I have to wonder what it is you're hiding."

Aria was right.

Liara really had no respect for my privacy.

All this time she'd spent doing this for me, working here—it only made sense, and yet…

I held on to my diplomacy: "It has nothing to do with you, Liara. Or Miranda. I don't want you to worry."

"Honestly, that makes me worry even more."

Well, this just killed any desire I might've had to at least be friends with her.

I hated this constant, prodding feeling from her. Like she couldn't rest until she knew every single thing about me. I felt the same sense from Miranda, too. And for what, I couldn't know. What was the big deal? Why did they need to know every thought from every crevice of my mind? This didn't affect them.

Liara and Miranda both turned to control when they felt lost.

Meanwhile, my first reaction was to disappear into myself and hide. Two polar opposite approaches.

This look in Liara's eyes, razor sharp, honing in on me—I knew she saw the same. She wouldn't rest until she had mapped out everything of me she possibly could. She would go looking for me whenever I disappeared, on Miranda's marching orders or not. Their dark alliance felt stronger in their similarities.

I realized, then, that I would never have Liara's loyalty again. Not explicitly.

Miranda was her boss, her friend, her ally. I would never have her full loyalty, either. My own girlfriend.

And I was…their test subject to dissect in a lab somewhere.

This already-growing chasm between us, the three of us—Miranda and Liara on one side, and me on another: the space grew and grew, tectonic plates shifting and shaping and changing. More so because Liara looked at me with such suspicion. Like she couldn't trust me because of my need for space. Like she needed to fucking know me so badly, and yet she didn't respect me enough to be my own person. I knew she would drive herself crazy, wondering about these cards I held close to my chest. Maybe she hadn't realized how her power in Insomnia had changed her. Maybe Miranda's own power over me had also started to change her—and if it hadn't already, then it would soon enough. They both revealed my reasons for running away so much. They both saw why I couldn't trust that easily, but they didn't care.

Nearly all women can stand adversity, but if you want to test a woman's character, give her power.

I feared giving people power over me for precisely this reason.

That they would abuse it.

That they would abuse me, pain me, break me.

That they would take advantage of my dependence on them, making me run away.

I had already suffered enough under society abusing its power over me, growing up. And so I made such a concerted effort not to do the same in my role—with my soldiers, my team. Even if it meant putting on a front of agreeability, I still got the job done. My power over others revealed my empathy in this way. I made myself bend my worst instincts, just to keep my subordinates from feeling the way I had as a child.

I wasn't entirely sure what Liara's power had revealed of her. Patience, prodding. Perhaps paranoia.

I used to think I knew what Aria's power had revealed of her. Hence my initial distrust, turned off by her ridiculous ego. Now, these days, I locked away these secrets I kept of her. These secrets of how I really felt: how much I longed for her, far past my perception. Liara and Miranda kept trying to unlock that.

With Miranda—with that acceleration Aria had promised—I would find her own reveals soon enough.

"Shepard," spoke Liara, having reached my side without me noticing. "You seem lost in your thoughts."

I shrugged. "Just a lot to think about."

"Then I would say we both need time. Time to process these many changes. Don't you agree?"

"Yeah…"

Some part of my heart broke, then, realizing again that we would never be the same.

No amount of time could make our bond go back to the way it used to be.

Maybe to Liara I looked cool and collected—but she couldn't see the pain I felt.

Either way, I resigned myself to accept our new reality. It was out of my control. I just had to let it go.

"It is late, Shepard," announced Liara. "Perhaps we should get going. Is Miranda waiting for us at HQ?"

"She is, yes…"

I wasn't exactly sure if she could swim back up to the surface with me.

Sympathetic, Liara used her omni-tool, trading a large sum of credits to my account.

"Thanks, Liara," I told her, glancing away in embarrassment.

Liara just smiled at me. And it certainly was a start. Together we left her room, left her home, and went back out to the Rayya. We took the public transport, riding this submarine-like transit back to Insomnia's main hub. On the way, I noticed Liara didn't have to pay for her own travel. She used a sleek black keycard to avoid paying the fare. I spent the whole ride sitting next to her, wondering about that keycard. Wondering if Miranda had her own; wondering exactly how Liara, Aria, Miranda, and other people spent their time in my mind. Unconscious as their selves were—except for Liara—they had all decided to converge here with me in Insomnia, trusting in this world. But how did they live in this place?

---

As Liara and I arrived to HQ Plaza, I wondered more about Insomnia's many mysteries.

Heading through this underground entrance to headquarters, I questioned just how far this all went.

This world, this universe seemed so much larger each time I observed it. So much more expansive, with secrets and possibilities hidden around every corner. I could never know everything here. Yet everything here certainly knew me.

At the usual ground floor area, we found Miranda waiting for us.

Liara went over to her first, the two of them smiling from ear-to-ear. They hugged each other, exchanging warm words, like two best friends who hadn't seen each other in years. Meanwhile, I looked around for Major. I thought that she would be here by now. I did ask her to wait for me, after all…

Still smiling, Miranda knew. "Looking for someone, darling?"

"Where'd she go?" I worried. "You didn't send her home, did you?"

"Not at all. Major needed to go fetch something else for you. I'm sure she'll be back soon."

"Oh, okay," I accepted, relieved. "I'll just wait for her, then. Why don't you two head back? I'll catch up."

"Yes, we'll do that. Liara and I will wait for you in the hotel room. I'll send out the announcement for everyone else to gather in the comm room on the ship. By the time you're finished with Major, the others should be ready for us. We'll head in after them for the big surprise."

"Sounds good." I looked to Liara again, still getting used to her presence. "I'll see you in a bit, then."

She smiled with more ease this time. "Of course, Shepard. We will wait for your return."

Miranda and Liara both used their omni-tools to exit the game. Just like that, Liara could head back with no problems, returning with us to the living. Back to the team, back to her own worldly concerns. And hopefully back to keeping Tali safe, happy. I needed them to take care of each other where I couldn't.

That familiar chain-chiming sounded nearby.

Major rounded the corner, finding me waiting for her.

This time, she had another note of sorts in her mouth, apparently for me.

But when I tried to accept it from her, Major moved out of my reach. Playful, she spun around, leading me to the elevator in her own goofy way; constantly looking back to make sure I followed her.

"Hey!"

I hurried on in her wake, wondering what this was all about.

In the elevator, Major finally just sat down. She let me take the note from her mouth, looking quite pleased with herself. I had to smile over how silly she was. But as I opened the note, I felt my smile disappear, practically fading into my face. Vaporizing. Not to anger, but to total shock and surprise.

The rose-scented perfume over the page. Tom Ford. Tom Ford perfume that I'd bought her years ago.

No fucking way…

Skipper,

Yeah, it's me.

I know you weren't expecting this. And I know you have to leave again soon. I won't take up too much of your time. I just wanted to say…I'm sorry. I've been doing my time, so to speak, here in Insomnia. I've had a ton of time to think about what I did. What I put you through. What you're still going through now.

I don't think you realize how much trouble you're in, Shepard. I guess you're an optimist at heart. An idealist. You always wanna see the best in the people you care about. But I'm sure those instincts of yours are going off these days. They're going off for a reason. A real, serious reason. Believe it or not, I'm doing my best to help you out where I can. There's only so much I can do like this. I'm mostly shackled.

You'll find something else with this note. It's my old executive keycard. It's useless now, since I'm not the 'boss' anymore. She deactivated it when they all kicked me out of HQ—after you-know-what happened. I need you to reactivate it again. Scan it with your omni-tool and I'll be good to go. Give it back to Major, and she'll deliver it to me. Or keep it for yourself and do whatever you want with it. It's your decision. With all the security the current boss has set up, I already know I can't get inside the building. I'm not trying to sneak around your ego where I don't belong. For now, I really only need to get around the city.

Just to prove I'm serious, I want you to do something else first. Go up to the board room on the 60th floor. The Alliance marine sentry will let you right in. You'll find a control panel on the screen at the far end of the room. Use that panel to bring up the board meeting from before Eden Prime. I don't personally know what's on that recording. But it's the first day Aria joined the board as an official member. Something tells me you'll find what you need on there. Something that might resonate with you; strike a nerve.

And if you won't do this for yourself, then do it for me. As my birthday present. You and I never got to spend my birthday together. It looks like we never will. It'd still be nice, though. Almost like old times.

Love,

Ashley

With shaking hands, I found the sleek black keycard she'd included.

President and Second-in-Command of Insomnia – Lieutenant Ashley Madeline Williams

I stared at this card, the light of the elevator gleaming and beaming off of this meaning.

Meanwhile, Major stared up at me. Not quite expectant like before. But she had her hopes. She wanted me to follow Ash's request. She wanted me to do this. And I couldn't possibly fathom Ashley manipulating a dog, just to pull at my heartstrings like this. No…I felt only the purest of intentions from Major, as expected. She was only an animal. Why would she want to lead me astray? How could she?

Ashley's truths seemed much more nebulous in comparison.

Nebulous as they were, I still pressed the button to the 60th floor. The elevator took us upward again.

I felt these temptations to return to Aria's office.

At the same time, this shock from Ashley consumed most of my energy. I couldn't conceive the idea that she was actually out there, somewhere, and not as that fiery demon-boss I'd encountered. This version of her seemed much more tame. Normal. Like it was her. The Ash I remembered from before I had died.

Or maybe that was just wishful thinking…

I set this idealism of mine aside, arriving to the 60th floor once more.

Major followed me to the board room. But she didn't go inside the room with me. She elected to stay outside, sitting just by this Alliance marine sentry standing guard. I respected her decision and went in. Into this showy space, reflecting so much of headquarters, the décor all around. And I found this long table in the center, the reflective surface giving off such a sheen of polish. I spotted that vid screen Ash had mentioned in her letter, there at the far side of the room. The leather chairs I passed by—they each had certain information written on them. Information about who they belonged to, who belonged here.

The first chair nearest the exit…

Head of Egotism and Urban Development – Aria T'Loak

Just like the name of the office I'd found her in.

The other chairs had these other familiar names. Kaidan, Garrus, Joker. Their job titles, their ranks.

Nearest the head of the table, these chairs read:

Head of Metaphysical Engineering – Tali'Zorah vas Neema nar Rayya

Vice President of Insomnia and Head of Science & Research Division – Dr. Liara T'Soni

This all sounded like a big deal. A huge fucking deal.

Why hadn't Liara mentioned it when I asked? When I asked her what she had been up to around here.

Not to mention the chair at the head of the table, explaining all in these plated words alone:

President and Chief Executive Officer of Insomnia – Miranda Lawson

The current boss—without a doubt.

I arrived at the vid screen, checking for what I needed to find. The most recent briefing from before Eden Prime: apparently this was only one of many. One of many, many other meetings they'd held in this room as executives. Though not all of their meetings had everyone present. From what I could tell, in recent days, most of the other, non-briefing meetings were restricted to Tali, Liara, and Miranda. The notes on these other meetings explicitly restricted Aria's attendance. It seemed…oddly cliquish to me.

For now, I played back the recording from before Eden Prime.

I sat down in Miranda's chair, facing the vid screen. Watching these memories play back. I observed as these 'executives' began filing into the room. Garrus, Kaidan, Joker together, taking their designated seats around the table. Tali shortly afterward. Then Liara. Aria followed not long after her, attracting everyone's stares. She appeared fashionably late—or that was the energy I picked up on from the room.

"Hey there, Aria," welcomed Kaidan. "Good to see you on your first day. Getting used to the changes?"

"Changes?" sneered Aria. "What changes are you talking about, Alenko?"

Garrus cleared his throat. "Think he means the, err, added benefits. Special treatment. VIP?"

"Oh, please. I can assure you this is nothing new. I've had my own executive keycard since day one. The only difference between then and now is I actually get to sit here with all of you. Nothing's changed at all."

Full of contempt, Tali muttered under her breath, "I knew it."

Joker blurted out, "What?! How the heck did you have your own keycard already? Did you steal it!?"

Aria waved her hand at him. "As if I'd ever have to resort to stealing to get what I want. If you must know, it was already waiting for me when I got here. To Insomnia. The second I woke up in my room at Afterlife, there it was, sitting on my nightstand. The keycard even had my name on it. So I used it to travel around the city as I pleased. Never got in trouble. No one ever told me I wasn't allowed to use it."

Kaidan seemed at a loss. "Well that's—surprising."

Joker coughed. "Not really, dude."

"Oh… It's not, huh?"

Garrus shrugged. "Guess not."

Aria questioned them, "Just what are you boys on about? Don't keep me in suspense now." Too tongue-tied to answer her properly, Joker, Kaidan, and Garrus said nothing further. "Figures. Well, this seems like a wonderful start to our working relationship. I ask you basic questions, and you can't even give me a straight answer! It makes me wonder what's really going on around here." She then looked to Liara. Leering in superiority. "And if it isn't Little Liara, sitting in the big VP's chair. I have to say, it suits you."

"Hello to you, too, Aria," said Liara, appearing to dread the conversation already. "Your sarcasm is also duly noted."

Chuckling in amusement, Aria gave a false smile.

"That wasn't sarcasm," she claimed. "I meant what I said, Madam Vice President."

"I don't believe you at all."

"Thankfully, you don't have to. You can take my praise in stride. Or you can be difficult. It's your call."

This vid screen along the wall had turned on.

The display showed the current, real-time events within the Normandy's comm room. Legion had arrived first, taking its place near the head of the table. The others began to file in as well—Samara, Mordin, Thane, EDI, Zaeed. Jack and Kasumi entered the room together, not saying anything, yet giving off the air that they'd had quite the involved conversation before arriving. James shuffled in after them, attempting not to draw attention to himself, yet failing miserably. Given his sheer size, it was difficult not to notice him. Jack glared at him accordingly, causing James to shift around in his standing location.

Kaidan, Garrus, and Tali entered the comm room next—stifling yawns, attempting to find more alertness. They'd apparently stayed out at the 94 with Joker all night. Grumbling over their lack of sleep, they continued talking to one another. Hoping the conversation would wake them up for the mission.

Fully awake in the board room, this Tali glared at Aria across the table.

"Just so you know, Aria," she began, venomous. "We're taking a risk in bringing you aboard. Allowing you the privilege of serving our captain this way. I disagree with your sweeping plans to strengthen her ego. And yet the boss has decided you're going to be an asset. The least you could do is respect Liara."

Aria knew better than to argue the point.

Yet she regarded Tali anyway, getting a better look at her. Seeing her actual face unmasked like this.

"Cute," she said, amusement dripping with disdain.

Tali huffed over the dismissal. Aria chuckled again. Entertained by Tali's attitude toward her.

Through the vid screen, Miranda entered the comm room. Inspiring the team to lower their voices.

At the same time, in the board room, the boss arrived in-sync. She had her own security agent—another version of me—dressed in a suit, with a shirt underneath of a Cerberus orange. The boss herself wore the same thing Miranda had on whenever she visited Insomnia with me.

Out of pure respect, the executives all stood up upon her arrival.

Everyone except for Aria. She remained sitting in her seat. Purposefully choosing not to follow protocol.

Garrus, Joker, and Kaidan began to sweat over the snub. Over what this could have devolved into. Tali scoffed in disapproval.

Liara merely observed as the boss approached Aria in her chair. Glaring down at her.

Superior in status and stature, the boss spoke with her authority: "How wonderful to see you, Aria. I would've commended you for being on time. Yet it seems you're determined not to earn any praise from me. It doesn't matter. I'll just ask you plainly. Would you mind following everyone's lead and standing up when I enter the room? Or would you rather I fire you on your first day of the job? Should I decide to terminate you, your executive keycard will be useless, effective immediately. As would any other special permissions from the captain you no doubt enjoy on your free time. The choice is yours."

Aria stared at the boss, her eyes hollowed and vined by hatred and envy.

She still placed her hands over the polish of the wooden table. Standing up appropriately.

The boss sneered, "That wasn't so difficult, now was it? Be a good girl and remember this for next time."

Ignoring Aria's growing ire—nails digging into the table—the boss crossed the room to the head of the table. Tali snorted back her laughter, maintaining a modicum of respect as the boss walked behind her. Joker, Kaidan, and Garrus looked absolutely stunned, floored by the boss' implications. Liara showed some amount of shock over the exchange.

And I stopped the goddamned recording at that.

I quickly found another command on the screen: checking for similar instances. This obvious instance. This obvious fucking thing I couldn't stand, when people in power abused their authority to humiliate their subordinates. For no apparent reason. Just to do it. Just to make an example out of them. Just to make themselves feel better over having that kind of influence over another being.

Specifically checking for Miranda's repeated instances, the automated search turned up several hits.

Several hits from these recent, non-briefing meetings in the board room:

Where Tali, Miranda, and Liara sat around talking about Aria, specifically. Strategizing about her new place on the board. Trying to figure out why I had apparently given her such permissions from day one. Trying to scope out Aria's angle; to figure out what she was hiding, what she was up to. And all the while, they talked shit in their own ways. Insisting Aria was delusional and desperate for feeling anything for me, for wanting me at all. Making fun of how alone and isolated she was in Insomnia with no allies.

I jammed at these automated search commands, flipping through more. More of them. More of them. More and more and more and more and more in these recent days, in these recent weeks—even going back to March when I had first met Aria, when these three first had a reason to start talking about her. The same things came up over and over again. Their disdain for her. Their distrust of her. Their determined mocking of her feelings for me, knowing back then I wouldn't go for someone with that much of an inflated ego. And yet that same dehumanization continued on and on and on to this day.

Out of a sense of fairness, I ordered the search to find anything similar from Aria herself.

Something that would strike a nerve for me, as Ashley had predicted.

Nothing came up.

Nothing.

No conversations Aria had with other people. No actions she'd done on her own. Not in this board room. Not in her office. Not in the hallways of this headquarters. Nowhere in the city, on the public transport, or out anywhere at all.

Instead, I found Aria's current location, right this second.

Apparently at home in her room, she lay in bed. Curled up in bed. Facing away, facing down. She curled her whole body beneath the sheets, the bare of her back baring her spine teething underneath her skin. And Aria gripped her hands around her arms, gripping at herself, gripping. Trying to hold on. Holding on to so much pain. Not sleeping at all. Up in the middle of the night like this. Suffering in complete silence.

Fully respecting Aria's pain, I turned off the screen.

I stood up from the boss' chair. The President's chair.

I retrieved Ashley's inactive keycard.

I used my omni-tool to scan it, reactivating her permissions. I folded her letter to me, pocketing it safely.

And I left the board room. I left, finding Major outside, still waiting for me.

She could see in my eyes that something had changed.

And she accepted Ashley's keycard from me, wholly without judgment. She settled for circling around me, showing her protectiveness in this way. Major then took off on her own, not needing to wait for a word, for an order or my permissions. I would quit the game and return back to real life soon enough. Sooner than soon, as I had little time to waste. So little time to waste and spend and burn on myself, needling this heated thread through these repeated patterns, repeating and repeating and repeating, sewing straight through my tolerances, bleeding my heart like this. All for the absolute last person I would've ever expected to feel this way for.

Once again, this fucking cycle continued.

Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.