Dawn
May 25
Dear Diary,
The good news: Buffy's letting me wear a two-piece to Mandy and Matt's birthday party! I never thought I'd be able to sell her on that. Guess she really is loosening up. Good thing, too—I guarantee Janice'll wear a bikini, and you just know Kirstie will show up in something that shows off her boobs. Anyway, I got the cutest two-piece. Should I wear my hair up and try not to get soaked, or just give in to the inevitable and wear it down? Or maybe a ponytail?
The bad news: Still almost two weeks of school left. Ugh.
Willow's still checked out. I heard Buffy and Giles talking, and he's worried her mind might've been completely destroyed by all the magic. Thing is, while I'm still mad at Willow—okay, okay, I know why she did it, and I'm not exactly crying for Warren and all, but she was still totally wrong—I can't imagine not having her back. Buffy's worried that even if she does come back, she won't be able to deal. It scares me.
More cards in the mail. I guess Tara had a lot of friends at college, because they're all sending us cards and flowers and gifts since the funeral. How much did I hate that? I started crying so hard Buffy handed me to Xander since she figured I needed someone big to cry all over. She was right. A XanderHug always helps.
Speaking of which, I've got the best idea: Xander and Buffy should get together! Gotta figure out the right way to spring it on Buff, though.
Missing Mom and Tara factor: 6.8
***
June 5
Dear Diary,
The good news: Last day of school! Yeah! Out for the summer, and Mrs. McKinley liked my English project, so I may actually get that A.
The bad news: Babysitting the Delaney demons, excuse me, kids tonight. At least it's good money. Their parents are so desperate to get away from them that they'll pay practically anything for a sitter who's willing to put up with the little monsters. I've almost saved enough to have my hair highlighted. Now, if I can only convince the Buff. Who, by the way, didn't go for my Xander idea. I get the whole "friends" thing, but it'd so simple things up.
Sorry for leaving. I heard Buffy on the phone and it sounded important. It is. Xander called and said Willow woke up. She talked to Xander a little, and the doctors are examining her to see if she can go home.
I don't know how to feel. I mean, I'm glad that Willow's not in la-la land anymore, but I don't know if I want her back here. I keep having these nightmares about her eyes and the creepy black veins in her face and all the things she said to me. The worst one was right after I went to see her in the hospital, you know, the one that made me crawl into bed with Buffy. Again. God, how embarrassing is that? I'm just glad Buffy's so understanding about the whole thing. I just, it's so scary sometimes, in my dreams, and when I wake up, I know the monsters aren't just in my head.
Anyway, Buffy's going to go visit Willow in the hospital. I think Giles is going, too. I told Buffy there was some work Anya wanted me to do at the Magic Box. She pretended to buy it, so that's where I'm headed now. Later.
Missing Mom and Tara factor: 7.5
***
June 10
Dear Diary,
Okay, talk about a lot happening in five days. Here's the 411:
Willow didn't come home here. She went back to her parents' house for a few days, and Xander says she can stay at his apartment if she needs to. Buffy asked me how I really felt about it, and even though I felt kinda awful saying I didn't want Willow back here, Buffy said it was okay, she understood. It's nice to have her talking to me like I'm grown up. Even though I got to crying all over her again. Buffy understands, though.
It's so good to have her back. I mean, not just back from the dead, back from wherever she was all year. It feels good to know she's there for me again, you know? Especially now that Tara's gone. If Buffy was still off in her whatever now, I don't know what I'd do. Probably be a bank robber by now or something.
Anyway, back to what's happening. Willow snapped out of it, but she's still not exactly "up to code," as Xander said. Which means she wasn't here to help us with the latest apocalypse, the rising of the demon Alka-Seltzer. Okay, that's not really what it's called, but I swear that's what it sounds like, and I can't spell the other. We took care of it, though, me, Buffy, Giles, Xander, and Anya.
I think Xander and Anya might be getting back together, btw.
It's late, so I'm not going to give details right now, but I swear I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. 'Night, Diary.
Missing Mom and Tara factor: 6.5
***
June 18
Dear Diary,
Giles is leaving. With Willow. He's taking her to England for some kind of witch therapy. Buffy broke it to me yesterday. He hasn't even been here a month!
I know, I'm whining, but I'm going to miss him so bad, just like when he left the two other times. Seems like everyone leaves. Like Dad. Like Buffy's boyfriends. Like He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, who hasn't shown his peroxided head since The Incident. Which is lucky for him, because nobody does that to my sister and doesn't get staked. I guess I understand why Buffy didn't stake him herself. I think she feels like she brought it on herself, which is royal crap, but I think she also didn't want to go through what she had to with Angel again. She shouldn't have to. Which is why I swear I'll do it myself if he shows up again looking for action.
Anyway, Giles. Buffy says we'll be fine without him. I guess we will, I'll just miss him. But he already told Buffy that if she needs him, please give him a call before it comes to an apocalypse.
Oh, and I caught Buffy going through the job ads again. She says she's not crazy enough to spend any more time at the Doublemeat than she absolutely has to.
Missing Mom and Tara factor: 9.8. Guess Giles leaving really brings it out in me.
***
June 20
Dear Diary,
The good news: Wish I had some.
The bad news: Giles and Willow shipped out today. He stopped by the house to say goodbye to both of us, Buffy and me. More crying. Willow wouldn't come inside, which is okay, since I don't really want to see her until she's been through Witch Rehab. Xander took them to the airport.
The worse news: Buffy and I have a new social worker. She's coming by tomorrow. Lame! So Buffy and I are cleaning house frantically, and please, God, don't let this person know about the shootings!
Missing Mom and Tara factor: 9.8 again.
***
June 21
Dear Diary,
Wonders never cease. The new social worker, Deena, is actually a pretty cool person. She knew about the shootings, but she let Buffy talk about them and give her side of the story. The official line, btw, is: Buffy caught Warren doing something illegal and tipped off the police, and when Warren didn't get caught but his friends did, he shot the place up, wounded Buffy not-seriously, and killed Tara. It's close enough to the truth without getting into the real weirdness. Oh, and Willow had a breakdown, but she's off getting help now.
Anyway, Deena understood. She talked to both of us about trauma and all that and said that there's a young people's grief support group I might be interested in. I think I am. I don't have to talk about the specifics, I can just talk about Tara. I think that would be nice. I mean, I know I can talk to Buffy, but I know it hurts her to see me hurting, just like it hurts me when she's in pain. So I can talk to some people I don't know, but who're going through the same thing, and I don't have to worry about worrying Buffy. Deena also told Buffy about some parenting and job-training classes Buffy can take at the Social Services center so Buff won't have to work at the Dungeon until I'm 18.
Maybe things are actually looking up for the first time in forever.
Missing Mom and Tara factor: 8.2
***
June 28
Dear Tara,
I needed to write to you. I don't know, maybe somewhere in Heaven you can read this, or know I'm thinking about you, but it doesn't matter. I just need to talk to you. I miss you, I miss you so much.
I'm going to a grief support group. You'll be happy to know that since you said you went to one after your mom's death. It's all teenagers, so I feel like they really understand what I'm going through. They've all lost friends, parents, or other loved ones. You know Sunnydale—big on death. I told them all about you and what a wonderful person you always were.
Things are getting better here. Buffy told me how much you helped her when she was trying to figure out why she was doing the dirty with You-Know-Who (and I don't mean Voldemort). I know she misses you. She and I have both cried. She said that you should've had more time here, and it's okay to wish you did, even though I know you're in a better place now. But anyway, Buffy's getting better every day. She's still kinda down sometimes, but she's got that, you know, spark back. I can see the real Buffy in her again.
I'm helping with the slaying, too. I won't say it's exactly fun, but it really makes me feel like I'm helping, I'm not just the kid sister anymore. It's pretty cool. I think you'd be proud of me. I hope you'd be proud of me.
Giles called early this morning. He talked to Buffy and me, and he said that Willow's coming out of her shell. He said there's a lot of work to do, but she's strong, and he thinks she's gonna pull through this. I hope so. I miss her, too. I'm trying not to be mad at her. I can't imagine what it must have been like for her when she saw what Warren did to you. I'll help her when she gets back. I promise I will. For you.
The grief group moderator gave us an assignment: make an acrostic poem of you loved one's name. This is mine. I know it's lame, but here it is anyway.
Tender and loving
Always my friend
Rests in peace now
And will to the end.
And can't be done
Can I keep you with me,
Loving me alone?
Always we won't be apart,
You'll never leave my heart.
I know, it's stupid, but it was the best thing I could think of, and I really do mean every word. I love you, Tara. At your funeral, Giles said the best thing we can do to honor you is to try to live up to the example you gave. You were good, and loving, and gentle, and wise, and I'm going to try to be like you now.
I love you. Give Mom a hug for me.
Love,
Dawn
Missing Mom and Tara factor: Off the charts.
***
July 5
Dear Diary,
We had fun yesterday. Xander came over and fired up our old Hibachi, and we grilled hamburgers. Later, we sat on the roof and watched all the illegal fireworks. Kind of a small July 4, but it was nice, just the three of us.
Xander says they're breaking ground on the new high school today. His construction crew is going to be building it—right where the old high school got blown up. Buffy couldn't believe it. They're building the high school over the Hellmouth again. She ranted for, like, ten minutes. I can't believe I'm going to be in tenth grade this coming year. At least we'll finally have a real high school instead of an overcrowded middle school and a bunch of portables.
Weird thing: I found out that James, one of the guys in my grief support group (his big sister died a few months ago), is also Jim-Bob Kenobi from my Fantasy Addicts Bulletin Board! He made some comment on the board about his grief support group, and I recognized exactly what he was talking about, and next thing you know, we realized we knew each other. He called me KeyGirl (my handle) yesterday at group. He's cute, too, and seventeen. Maybe he likes me. I hope he likes me. Sure, he's kind of a doof, but then, so am I.
I think my hips are getting big. Buffy says I'm just getting curvy, like Tara, and that made me feel better, but I still think my hips are too big. Buffy says exercise more, don't eat less. As if I'd eat less anyway.
Missing Mom and Tara factor: 6.4
***
July 9
Dear Diary,
HAPPY-LOOLAH!!!!!
You won't believe it! It's the best news possible: Buffy got a new job!!! Deena helped her put in an application with this community service organization thing that's going to be working out of the school once it's built, and anyway, they called Buffy and told her she got the job! She'll start working for them the first of August. She can't wait to put in her notice with the Doublemeat.
How I found out: I walked in the door after spending the night with Janice, and Buffy grabbed me around the hips, lifted me off the floor, and whirled me around until I almost threw up all over her. Then she set me down and started squealing that she got this job. I think I've got hearing damage now. It's the greatest news, though—no more icky Doublemeat Dungeon, and this job'll pay better, too.
Only drawback: They're working out of the school, so Buffy's going to be there while I am. She said something about how we can eat together in the cafeteria. I hope she was joking.
While she was squealing, btw, I asked if I could get highlights. She was so happy she said sure, so I'm going to the salon tomorrow! Gotta go now—Buffy said we're having ice cream sundaes to celebrate. Life is good!
Missing Mom and Tara factor: 9.5, 'cause I know you two would be so proud of Buffy and me right now.
***