"Tali" from Mass Effect 2

LX. Treason

(Tali'Zorah vas Normandy)

Even if you can't see it,
The sun never stops shining,
Forever devouring anything that gets too close.

Nerves, stage fright. All from being in the spotlight again.

Anxiety flaring over my situation, over this unknown of the charges against me.

My own government saw me as a traitor. My own people believed I could possibly betray them. After everything I had done for the Migrant Fleet; after everything I had sacrificed and endured under my father's household for years, I now had to suffer under the weight of this scrutiny. Working in the engine room proved to be quite unproductive. Dealing with this weight, this scrutiny, I found it difficult to focus on the task in front of me. I was supposed to be working with Legion and Engineer Daniels, going through another routine engine cleaning. But this felt like anything except routine. More like pure hell.

On the bright side, I had gotten used to working with a geth right beside me, here at the other panel on my left. Engineer Daniels stuck to the control panel on the right side of the room, giving us our space—perhaps on purpose or otherwise. As their boss, they had favored my favor of working in near-total silence. We rarely spoke unless it was necessary. I found it difficult to work with random chatter in the background, even with the loud pulsing of the drive core around to possibly drown out any noise. I cared more about getting work done, doing things right. Our captain counted on us to keep the Normandy running smoothly. So I forced myself to focus as much as I could. Yet I kept feeling my resolve waning.

Maybe not helping my wandering focus, I received an email. An expected email, actually. One I had been begging my best friend to send me for some time now. I read over her words as carefully as I could:

From: Liara – My true feelings.

Tali,

I am not quite sure where to begin with this message. You asked me to share with you how I truly feel. About Shepard, my situation with her. Or rather, my non-existent situation with her. I believe you asked me to do this about a month ago now, as I cannot bear the thought of speaking these truths out loud. I have been procrastinating for obvious reasons. I apologize for that. You mean well, and I know you worry for me. I am very grateful that you have not pushed this issue, constantly reminding me about it.

Then again, you sometimes look at me with that adorable, expectant expression of yours. As if you are waiting for me to come out and say the words. You wish for me to be honest, to express myself. To not keep these matters bottled up. Were it anyone other than you asking me, I would have already declined. I love you far too much to disappoint you in such a way. I only wish my email hadn't taken me this long.

I suppose you could say I am depressed. None of this has turned out how I initially imagined. This being my own strained relationship with the commander. I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed with myself. Because it would seem that our decision to side with Miranda before…ended up as our undoing. Though perhaps not for you. Shepard actually listened to you when you explained your situation with the Migrant Fleet, with the admirals. From the way you described your talk, it is clear that she cares for you once more—as if nothing had ever happened in the first place. I am not sure what compelled her to make that choice for you. I wish I knew. I am used to always knowing Shepard, as I once did before. I cannot read her anymore; I cannot know her mind; I cannot see what she sees as I once used to. I can still feel her with me. Our bond is unchanged in that sense. But this is all she and I can ever be. It is heartbreaking.

I still love her, Tali. I am still in love with her. I am in love with someone who will never want me again.

Every single one of my choices with Shepard has led us to this path. Had I simply fought for her as she wanted me to do before…then perhaps things would be different. I think about my mistakes every single day. What went wrong. How I could have prevented it. How I could have been less cunning when I shouldn't have, and more cunning when I should have been. Maybe it is easiest for me to blame Miranda for this. The most difficult part is accepting my own responsibility. After all, I only did this to myself.

Even as I say all this, I know I shouldn't dwell on it. There are so many things that are more important than my broken heart. As much as it pains me, I am warming up to Aria in a way. She was there to protect and comfort Shepard when you and I couldn't. I know that she intends on taking Miranda's place; protecting Shepard specifically from indoctrination. I have no idea if or when she might succeed in making the change. But I only ask that you keep this information to yourself. If the wrong people found out what we knew, we could end up in trouble. They may want to hurt us. I can't lose you. So please, don't speak of this at all. Not to Garrus and the others. And certainly not to Miranda. She can't know.

Aria and Shepard are destined to play a strong role in the coming war. To that end, you and I must devote ourselves to their union. We need to support them. Even still, I am going to keep hurting. I will keep crying over her. I will keep pining after her. After everything I have done, everything she has witnessed…Shepard would rather be with a different woman over me. I only wish she wasn't another asari. That particular similarity seems to sting the most. Though perhaps it is petty of me to feel this way.

Despite all of this, I won't run away. I will join you and Shepard tomorrow aboard the Migrant Fleet, certainly. My only sad hope remaining is that Shepard might yet see me more positively. Later on. Eventually. Maybe after more time passes. In many ways, I need to prove myself to her. This visit for your trial is one way for me to do that. So you needn't worry about me choosing to stay in my room instead.

Thank you for reading all of this. You have always been there for me. And you have been very patient while I've pushed you away at times. I do envy you as well. For this special space you occupy in Shepard's heart. This is another reason why I have been distant. Although I did tell you about this years ago—that you would always be the commander's ray of light. Even though she has chosen someone else, your role is still valuable in many ways. No matter what we do, Shepard will forever find the grace to forgive both of us. But Tali, you hold your own indelible value in her mind. You are the one who will engineer heights truly undefinable—the ones Shepard must conquer in order to save us all. We can't do this without you.

Never forget that.

-Liara

Such a sense of awe overtook me as I finished her message.

Despite how miserable she sounded, Liara kept pressing onward. She continued finding a way forward. I sometimes worried that she wouldn't; that I would arrive to her room one day and find her dead all over again… Seeing her still-warm corpse in that morgue in San Diego still haunted me to this day. But from the sounds of things, I didn't have to worry about that anymore. This was just the best I could hope for.

However, I wasn't sure what she meant at the end there. About me engineering those undefinable heights for Shepard. Liara would sometimes say such vague things to me. As if she knew I would dwell on them—and I always did—leaving her words to soak into my subconscious. As I sent Liara an email with my reply, thanking her for the honest message, I wished she would tell me what all of this meant. These secrets, these mysteries. But I figured Liara had her own reasons for these riddles. I trusted her.

After this overnight flight, we would arrive to the Flotilla. The admirals would try my case. Treason.

And Shepard had invited me up to her room… Maybe even to spend the night. Not like that. As irregular as my sleeping habits continued to be, I hoped I wouldn't actually get sleepy tonight. She didn't need to sleep at all. I wanted to stay up with her.

But before that, I had promised Kaidan and the others I would talk everything over with them.

I couldn't do that with my mind so frazzled like this. So much that I couldn't even focus on my work.

I needed some space alone in my room. To think. To do much more than that. By myself.

So I told Legion, "I'm heading out for the rest of the day. Can you handle everything else without me?"

"Yes," it stated.

"Thank you, Legion. I'll be back whenever I can. Let me know if you run into anything serious."

"Acknowledged."

Leaving the engine room, I did feel a bit bad, shoving my responsibilities onto someone else. Even if it was just Legion. But I decided to take advantage of my position. Hopefully only this once—and no more. Then again, if I didn't know any better, I still felt Legion's attention on me as I left the area. It had been doing this ever since it returned with Shepard and the others from the last mission. I knew that Legion was busy communicating with EDI electronically while it worked. So I had no idea if my theory, or this feeling of mine, was actually correct or not. Such a strange phenomenon either way. I tried to ignore it.

Up the elevator, I returned to the crew's quarters. Passing through the officer's section of rooms, I glanced at Liara's locked door. She had been holing herself in her room quite a lot lately. But after reading her email, I felt hopeful about her depressing situation. I decided to give her a bit more space.

I found my spacious clean room just as I had left it. A near-replica of my room aboard the Rayya, with my bed close to the window and everything. I immediately went to lie down. Relaxing into this space, surrounded by my stuffed animals, I found this addictive release. I hugged the stuffed bunny Shepard had bought for me before, back during our first visit to the Migrant Fleet together. The rest of my stuffies gave me peace in this surrounding. For as much money as Cerberus paid me for my job, I really only spent my salary on these adorable purchases. And not just for the decorations. There was something about this purity that comforted me. I could surround myself with this comforting softness, forgetting about all the rest. I could inundate myself in this ocean of my imagination, drifting deeper.

Sighing in contentment, I adored my little space. My carefree mentality, shrinking myself away from all of my adult responsibilities—both on the Normandy and back with the Fleet. Whenever I needed a mental and emotional reset, I could always count on this. I could always come back to this space, returning to this place in my mind. I could always count on my freedom like this. I didn't have to worry about anything else right now. Drifting that much deeper, I imagined her with me, protecting my peace.

When I opened my eyes, I saw her on the nightstand next to my bed.

This recent picture from the Citadel, just after our simulation game at the Armax Arena:

Wrex had wanted to celebrate the occasion. Liara included again at last, the original team were all back together for that day. Every single one of us. No one was missing this time. Absolutely no one. No one at all. So we decided to take a photo together—Joker, Kaidan, Garrus, Wrex, Liara, and myself. The last time we did this, it had been on the Citadel, during those dark times while Shepard and Liara were gone. But this updated photograph was especially special, especially important and unique, and a surprise.

Shepard had actually joined us.

Of course, she hadn't wanted to at first. Joker and the others had to ask her several times. Grumpy and disapproving, Shepard hated taking staged pictures. Yet she chose to make an exception for us that day.

In the photo, Shepard stood right in the middle in her Alliance uniform—tall, strong, unifying. She had taken me by surprise, putting her arm around me. Letting me lean on her in my gentle affection. On her other side, Liara did the same. Grinning, Garrus had his hand behind my head, giving me bunny ears. Kaidan, Joker, and Wrex glowed brighter with our captain with us. Shepard had taken us all by surprise, smiling handsomely for this picture. Just for our original group. Just to make us happy. And she truly did.

Next to our picture, I retrieved a special book of mine. Treasures of Aht Urhgan, a collection of legends from the homeworld passed down by my ancestors. This was a gift from Father, though I wasn't sure if he had sent it early or not. My birthday was coming up next month. Maybe he meant to send it then. That he had sent it early with mentions of how old I would soon be, it made me wonder about him. Turning the pages of this book, I of course thought of Father, seeing him in Rannoch's vibrant culture of centuries past. The city of Whitegate within Al Zahbi, fortified in the Empire of Aht Urhgan. The bustle of the city next to the sea. Corsairs conquering the seas as pirates. Puppet masters controlling their delightful automatons for entertainment. Rare quarian blue mages hailed as magicians, but they were really just biotics. Mentions of the Alzadaal Undersea Ruins with its many undiscovered secrets. I could see Liara taking an interest in the archaeological research institute there. But this was all from a very long time ago—before the modernization with the geth. From there, our society had developed quite rapidly. Glancing over these pages, I wondered if I should bring this book with me to Shepard's room. I thought against it in the end. I worried about boring her with such obscure quarian history. Sure, she had taken the initiative to read as much as she could about us, familiarizing herself with the current era of the Migrant Fleet—the Admiralty Board, the Conclave, how our ship captains maintained order…

Of course I knew Shepard would be interested in this. She had even watched Fleet and Flotilla for me months ago—back before she knew these changes in me. How I wasn't that person, that girl anymore.

In reality: tonight just wasn't the time for history lessons.

Nerves building within my core once more, I wondered what to do. My attention gravitated toward a program I'd made for my suit.

But then, looking to the stars outside my window, I remembered this stage fright; where it had come from.

Not even you were allowed to know what this was. How I found my release by myself; how I kept Shepard with me.

You would judge me too harshly. You absolutely would.

So I decided to get myself ready for the evening instead. Cleaning myself off. Getting in the mindset to spend time with Shepard again. And hopefully cleansing myself of these darker temptations. I couldn't afford to speak my mind. I couldn't act freely around her. I would need to remember my own control.

Leaving my room, leaving the crew's quarters, I made my way to the main battery, past the mess hall.

Normally, I wouldn't think much of going to see Garrus. Even with this ongoing drama with the Migrant Fleet, I wanted to see him again. I knew I would have his support. But something strange happened the other day. I overheard Garrus and James speaking together in the kitchen. James kept calling Garrus bro, trying to coax certain information out of him. He wanted to know what Garrus thought of me. How he saw me. After much prodding, Garrus finally admitted to James that he liked me. But he also knew that anything more was out of the question. I was gay, he was straight. He recognized there was more to it.

James knew as well.

"Yeah, 'cause Tali's still stuck on the commander. She's never gonna let her go, huh?"

Garrus had acknowledged: "Well…sure, there's that, too."

James had commiserated, "It's tough, huh? Knowing the girl you want's unattainable. Full respect to Shepard, though. Can't mack anyone who's that into her. I got too much respect for that."

"Sorry, think I only understood about half of what you said there. What's that slang you used?"

"Gotta get with the times, bro. Or at least update your translation programs. I said it sucks that Shepard's the one Tali wants. But you want the girl. You ever think about Tali like that? You know."

Garrus had let out an uncomfortable cough. "Okay, I understood what that meant…"

"And what's your answer? Or does she got you in your feelings?"

"James, I… Look, this is awkward. We really shouldn't be talking about Tali like this. It's disrespectful."

Thick-headed, James hadn't seen the same. "I don't see what's disrespectful about it. You either want her or you don't. Only reason I'm not suggesting you do anything more is 'cause of Shepard. You gotta respect the boundaries in place. I respect that. Jack respects that. So Tali's off-limits. End of story."

Sounding angry then, Garrus had nearly lost his temper. "Didn't you get in trouble with Ashley and Miranda over something like this? But now you respect Tali's sexuality—because Shepard's alive? Because she's around? You only respect Shepard's authority! Not Tali as her own person! Is that it?!"

"Wait, what!? I never said any of that! Now you're just putting words in my mouth!"

"Vega, get the hell out of my face. You're an asshole! This conversation never happened. Because if it did, Shepard would dispose of you. Thoroughly. If this mess gets out, you'll only have yourself to blame."

And as I passed through the mess hall, guess who showed up in the kitchen again.

James went right for the refrigerator, noticing me walking by.

"Hey, Sparks!" he called out, as if nothing had ever happened. "What's up? You good?"

"That's not my name," I groused.

"Ah, c'mon, Tali. It's just a nickname! Reminds me of you. You know, 'cause you're all sparky. Right?"

"I'm not a dog, James. Call me by my name, or don't call me anything at all!"

Predictably, James whined at me, "Is it that big a deal? I mean, I'm just trying to start a conversation with you! When's the last time we talked? Like seriously? Think it might've been when we first met back in San Diego. Even then, you barely talked to me. We're teammates, girl! Let's get some jokes cracking!"

And yet again with that girl thing. I had no idea why so many people insisted on belittling me like this.

Still, asserting myself any more seemed pointless.

James would keep insisting on doing what he wanted to do.

And if I tried to fight him on it, he would just tell me to calm down; that it was no big deal; that I needed to lighten up and accept that it was just a joke. He would inevitably ask me what my problem was, accusing me of being too emotional. I had seen this play out with others so many times. It infuriated me.

Zaeed was the only person who had accepted my differences with him, and turned his behavior around. The two of us never argued anymore. If anything, he defended me from people like James, from things like this. He actually respected me as my own person, despite the fact that he was over twice my age.

Yet James was only a few years older than me, and he chose to act like this instead.

Needing to leave the situation behind, I kept on walking ahead. I continued onto the main battery.

I could still hear James grumbling in the kitchen about me ignoring him. About me disrespecting him.

The clear irony nearly made me lose my own temper. Why did it matter if I spoke to him or not? Why did he insist on being so passive-aggressive like this? As much as I felt this steam rising within the confines of my helmet, I forced my silence. Especially because I knew James was busy staring at me as I walked off; staring at my body, at the obvious. Feeling uncomfortable like this was nothing new to me.

Calibrating the Normandy's main guns, I saw a similar discomfort in Garrus' eyes once I found him. But I wasn't expecting to find Kaidan already here as well. The two of them had been discussing sports just before I arrived. Something about baseball? The one where humans hit a ball with a stick. Or a bat.

Given how hard James had stared after me, a baseball bat certainly sounded useful right about now.

"Heya, Tali," greeted Kaidan. "How's everything going? We heard the news. You…seem okay?"

"I am okay," I told him. "For the most part… Thanks for asking."

Garrus couldn't meet my eyes.

He didn't know what I knew. What I had overheard. How he felt about me, deep down.

If I ever told Shepard, then Garrus would know. He would know what I knew. I mostly hadn't told her because we weren't speaking a few days ago. And I didn't want to go through those motions again: knowing Shepard would throw James out the airlock over this, or worse. Not after we had just lost Thane. I didn't want the rest of the crew to really start fearing Shepard over such a thing. Maybe they would start doubting her. Maybe they would stage a mutiny. I had no idea. But I didn't want to find out.

Protecting James like this did make me angry. Because he didn't deserve it. Protecting Shepard's reputation was more important to me. Protecting Garrus' pride also meant something to me. I didn't want to make things awkward for us as friends. I could deal with Vega making me feel uncomfortable. At least until Shepard noticed on her own. Nothing ever got past her. Not for too long. Just like always.

I heard Joker's voice over the intercom: "Oh—hey, Tali. We were waiting for you to show up. ETA to the Migrant Fleet's about twelve hours. Taking things slow and all. Everyone in the chat's talking about it."

"I haven't checked the room myself. But I figured as much. It isn't a big deal."

Garrus gently asked, "You're not embarrassed or anything?"

"No, not really," I told him. "They were going to find out eventually. I just hope I can clear my name. If I somehow manage to get exiled from the Fleet, that would be embarrassing. Humiliating, actually."

Kaidan encouraged me, "Shepard would never let that happen. I'm sure if there's anything she can do to help you out, she'll get it done. Besides, you'll have Liara there with you, too. They'll both do whatever it takes to clear your name, Tali. You know that. There's no way your people would exile you over this."

"I appreciate your encouragement, Kaidan. We'll have to see what happens. This will be a long flight…"

Liara entered the room, then, finding me right away.

"There you are, Tali," she said in relief. We hugged each other, just like we always did. Though I still worried for her. I worried even more that Liara still insisted on wearing all-black, all the time, with this lab coat of hers. Of course it spoke to her moods. And I wasn't the only one who noticed this about her.

Joker joked around, "And the cavewoman finally comes out of her den."

Liara seemed taken aback. "Why would you compare me to a cavewoman, Joker?"

"'Cause you've been locked in your room for how long now? Hell, we haven't heard from you in days!"

"…I'm sorry for disappearing. I have had a lot on my mind, that's all. This is all too difficult to talk about."

"We understand, Liara," said Kaidan, not really hiding his disappointment. "No hard feelings or anything. You have to know we're concerned. Sure, you'll answer our emails and private messages. We miss seeing you in-person, though. Isn't it obvious why we feel this way? Why we wish you'd talk to us?"

Staring down at her boots now, Liara couldn't respond to that.

I made sure to keep my mouth shut. The last thing she needed was me spilling her secrets to our friends.

Garrus chose the direct approach—"If this is about Aria, you can tell us. Her and Shepard. It is, isn't it?"

"Garrus…"

"Listen, I know we got on your case about the drama from before. But look on the bright side. Aria's not joining the chat. She won't see what went on. So maybe that's one less thing for you to worry about."

Liara stared at him in surprise. "You mean, she declined your offer to join?"

"She did. I still remember her exact words. Aria scoffed and said to me, and I quote, 'And just why would I want to join your little kiddie room? You don't need me there. I have better things to do with my time.'"

That definitely sounded like something Aria would say.

Joker asked, "Since that's out of the way, when are you gonna talk to her? You know, one-on-one?"

Liara gave such vague words, "I am waiting for a certain opportunity. It isn't something I can explain."

More riddles of hers once again. Secrets and secrecy had become synonymous with her these days. Liara hadn't even mentioned how she came back to life; how it was that Shepard managed to find her at all. None of us knew anything; we had no answers to these mysteries of hers.

While Kaidan, Garrus, and Joker kept speaking to Liara, my omni-tool went off with another alert.

Someone sent me a private message in our chat room.

Someone indeed.

[20:14:55] Jack: Hey

[20:15:34] Me: Yes, Jack?

[20:16:02] Jack: I heard about your trial thing

[20:16:19] Me: And are you expressing concern?

[20:16:40] Jack: Huh?

[20:17:30] Me: Are you worried about me? Is that why you sent me a message? You didn't say.

[20:18:50] Jack: Yea

[20:18:54] Jack: I mean

[20:19:11] Jack: Goddamnit…

[20:19:45] Me: Jack? Is there something else on your mind?

[20:22:03] Jack: Im sorry for what I said

[20:22:30] Me: I appreciate your apology. But what is this for, exactly? You've said many things.

[20:23:14] Jack: For calling you and Liara out the way I did. Like airing it out in front of everyone. I should've PM'd you instead. That was more of a private thing. Guess it was pretty vindictive of me

[20:24:00] Me: I understand. Thank you for telling me.

[20:25:06] Jack: If you ever wanna talk or whatever…just let me know

[20:25:38] Me: Mmm, that's very sweet of you. Yet I can't help questioning your motivations.

[20:25:56] Jack: Why?

[20:26:10] Me: You know why.

[20:26:40] Jack: Because I want you

[20:27:12] Me: It helps to be direct, I suppose.

[20:28:20] Jack: Tali, its been months since this whole thing started. Are you seriously not letting it go

[20:28:40] Me: No, I'm not letting it go.

[20:29:02] Jack: Am I making you uncomfortable

[20:29:30] Me: It's not that.

[20:32:56] Jack: Then whats the big deal? Just 'cause I wanna have sex with you, it doesnt mean Im contagious or something. You won't even be my friend for more than two days at a time. Not really. Its like every time we make some kinda progress, you put up this wall. So yea, I let my anger spill out before

[20:33:23] Me: I just get the feeling there's another reason why you decided to message me.

[20:36:02] Jack: Could be I was wrong about something else that day. In the main chat with everyone

[20:36:18] Me: Is that so? What exactly were you wrong about?

[20:36:40] Jack: When I said Shepard doesnt want you. I was dead wrong, huh

[20:37:01] Me: Maybe.

[20:37:23] Jack: Fuck that. Don't be coy with me, woman. It's kinda sexy when you do it. But thats not on topic right now. With Shepard…I dunno. Its like you want her to be your secret boyfriend or something. Not girlfriend. Boyfriend has a different meaning. If you catch my drift

[20:37:50] Me: I'm not sure I catch your…drift. Your meaning.

[20:39:41] Jack: Look, I don't know exactly how Shepard feels about you. I just get the sense theres this special thing between you guys. You know how protective she is. I could see her killing someone for looking at you the wrong way. Like what she did to Thane but 1000 times worse. Even when you weren't talking before, she still gave off those vibes. Guess you two made up or whatever

[20:43:00] Me: That's absurd. Yes, we did make up. But how did you come to these wild conclusions?

[20:43:30] Jack: Don't screw around with me, Tali. Just admit it already

[20:44:04] Me: Even if that was true, how do I know you wouldn't tell other people?

[20:44:30] Jack: Because they already know! This isn't new information! The whole ship fucking knows! For real, how much do you wanna bet that Aria knows too? I'll put down my entire paycheck for this

[20:45:36] Me: Fine, you've made your point.

[20:46:39] Jack: Real talk, this is gold. Like, you're that bitch. Everyone knows it and they cant touch you. Do you know how many blue balls there are around the Normandy? I started keeping count a while ago

[20:47:04] Me: I don't know what that means. What are blue balls? And how did I make them appear?

[20:47:40] Jack: You're taking this gold star lesbian thing way too seriously

[20:48:03] Me: Jack, are you going to keep teasing me? Or will you actually answer my questions?

[20:53:40] Jack: Lots of guys on the ship have a crush on you. They have a hard-on for you. But since they know you're gay, they won't say anything. Hell, its not even that. There's this unspoken rule on the ship, okay? If literally anyone gets out of line with you, they know they'll have the commander's boot up their ass in two seconds flat. I still remember exactly what she said after you and I both joined. When she introduced you to everyone in the comm room. "As our tech expert, Tali is one of our most brilliant minds on this team. I expect each and every one of you to treat her with the respect she deserves." Shepard never said that about anyone else. Just you. She meant that shit as a threat, too. I bet you anything

[20:54:12] Jack: So no ones allowed to say shit to you. Even that dumb musclehead Vega stopped flirting with you when he found out. Almost got banned from the chat for doing it before. He didnt care. He was just gonna do it in real life instead. Some of the other crew shut him down real quick

[20:54:30] Me: So they're treating me like Shepard's property? It's about respecting her instead of me? If she hadn't made that "threat" before, they probably would have tried something with me by now?

[20:55:02] Jack: Pretty much

[20:55:12] Me: Is that also how you see me?

[20:55:30] Jack: No

[20:55:39] Me: Then what is your perspective on this?

[20:56:23] Jack: Its more about curiosity. I wanna know how Shepard really feels about you. I can never ask her. And you're not gonna tell me. Still wish I knew for myself

[20:57:00] Me: Why do you care to know?

[20:57:45] Jack: Thats personal information

[20:58:15] Me: If you really don't want to share, then I'll respect that.

[20:58:45] Jack: Better to keep your little game going anyway

[20:59:20] Me: What game are you talking about?

[20:59:48] Jack: I know you want me, Tali. You're just not saying anything. Hoping it'll all go away. I might not be as smart as you are, but that doesnt mean I'm stupid. You must really think Im a dumbass

[21:03:02] Jack: And there you go again. Going quiet like this. Like why are you even surprised

[21:04:11] Me: We shouldn't do this.

[21:04:30] Jack: Shouldn't do what? Have an honest conversation? You scared I'm gonna seduce you?

[21:05:02] Me: No, I'm afraid of hurting you. You have a certain idea of me. But I'm not nearly as sane or stable as you think I am. There's another side of me that you simply can't know. Perhaps you can relate.

[21:05:44] Jack: You mean you're a closeted nutcase? So what, who cares? Did you forget who you're talking to?! Damn right I can relate! What's the real problem here? Why do you keep dodging me?

[21:06:02] Me: I could never give you enough of myself.

[21:06:40] Jack: You're not the judge of that. I could screw you right now and not even care if you said Shepards name instead of mine. I already get off to it on my own. Theres nothing you can do to hurt me

[21:07:04] Me: I'm turning you down again. Is that enough to hurt you? Enough to let this topic die?

[21:07:40] Jack: You win, Tali. You fucking win. I get it. I won't bring it up again

[21:07:55] Me: Thank you for respecting my wishes. I should get going now. Good night, Jack.

[21:08:08] Jack: Yeah, yeah. Have fun with your boyfriend

I supposed a bitter farewell was the best I could possibly hope for.

Hidden behind my mask, I could hide these thoughts in my face—all while Liara had lightened up some more, speaking with the guys about a much lighter subject now.

Sometimes I wondered why I did this to myself. Why I never allowed myself to be happy with someone else. Someone who could actually be present with me all the time. Exclusively. I had made this choice to devote myself to one person. So it was no wonder everyone saw me as her property. I could've had something with Jack by now. Perhaps something special. But I continually rejected other real people in favor of this powerful relationship in my head. This humiliating reality of mine: one I had created for myself. Pure fiction sustained me. Pure fiction got me off every single day. Pure fiction kept me in love with someone who didn't even…

Well, no.

That wasn't actually true.

I had just made myself forget that part. Because remembering the truth hurt me too much.

Watching as Liara laughed again for the first time in weeks, I remembered my other reasons.

Liara had already admitted to envying Shepard's care for me. I could just imagine: she would never recover if she found out about this. Only about tonight—about my plans to visit Shepard in her room. Sneaking around like this didn't sit right with me. Especially after she had given me her truest sincerity in her email earlier. The two of us weren't supposed to keep secrets from each other. Yet I continued to say nothing. Instead, I started thinking up an excuse to leave the room. Because I wanted to see Shepard now. I needed to go to her. I needed Shepard to soothe away these last anxieties of mine over the trial.

So I quietly gave my made-up excuse, relieved when my friends thought nothing of it.

I left the main battery on that lie, tucking away any stray guilt. Bucking anything else I should've felt, I forced myself to walk. To walk, not run to the elevator. Absolutely elated, I found that Shepard had already given me permission to go up to her cabin. I made my way there, rising up, ascending. Hoping I wouldn't somehow forget myself, mucking everything up. Yet this rhyme stayed right between my legs.

Arriving to the captain's cabin felt so unusual to me. Surreal.

I never imagined Shepard would allow me up here.

Certainly not years ago. Not months ago. Or even a few days ago—even yesterday. Shepard had her door unlocked. The green of her permission welcomed me inside. And as I passed through to her private, quiet space, I felt myself transforming in a way. The ambient blacklight everywhere, mixed with the persistent aquatic blue from her fish tank, seemed to fit Shepard so well. Perfect order and cleanliness everywhere: I could smell the recent disinfectants Shepard had used to deep clean her room, just for my sake. The shining gleam of her model ships displayed above her desk—most of them based on ships from the Migrant Fleet, including the Rayya, my birth ship. I smiled over Shepard's attention to detail, finding more surprises just over her desk. Right next to her terminal, I found that picture of us. From right after the Battle at the Citadel against Sovereign, when I had hurried into Shepard's arms, with her as my hero, glad that she was safe. Sniffling a bit, I felt my eyes leaking over the memory. And that she cared enough to keep me close by like this.

Also on her desk, Shepard had another picture. The one of her and Liara on the Citadel. The first photo I had taken of them in secret. Standing next to each other, with Shepard's height rising well past Liara's, they exchanged such easy smiles. I hadn't noticed before, but there was something about them together. Their vibes, their aura. As if they shared a secret language with each other. Just in their gaze.

But then I picked up on the sink water running in the bathroom next to me. Vague waves of misting heat emanated from the locked door. Had Shepard just taken a shower in there? Was I too early?

Before I could think of what to do, Shepard emerged from the bathroom.

Shimmering in this darklight, her long hair looked freshly-straightened. Glowing and moisturized, her skin looked freshly-cleaned and cared for. Shepard's white sleeveless tank and her color-blocked black and white sweatpants had some water marks here and there. But the soft radiance in her eyes pulled me in the most. All these golden brown colors mixed together as the tall, strong sun, so patient for me.

Such an unyielding sense struck me from her eyes.

Not her usual hardness. That attitude of hers.

Just a pure warmth. The type of unconditional care I had always hoped she would give me. Wordlessly.

I had never seen this look in her eyes before…

"Shepard!" I yelped, remembering myself. "Sorry, so sorry. I'm early, aren't I? I should have…asked first. If you were ready for me to come up. But you told me I could come up any time, so I-I wasn't thinking—"

"Tali," she said smoothly. "It's all right. You don't have to apologize."

"Oh. Well…okay. If you say so." Glancing inside her bathroom, I spotted Shepard's hair-straightening device near the sink. I didn't know what it was called. Only that it apparently worked wonders. "I just remembered that your hair isn't naturally straight. It…takes time for you to make it like this. Doesn't it?"

Shepard smiled over my babbling. "Yes, it does," she told me, glancing over my hood, my helmet. "You can take off your mask if you want. If you're still immune to me. Should be safe while you're up here."

I couldn't breathe anymore. "I… I'll be sure to do that. Thank you, Shepard."

Stepping closer, she pulled me into her arms, warming me beyond measure. Especially once she said, "Make yourself at home, Tali. I'll be right out."

Holding myself after Shepard let go, after she returned to the bathroom, I wandered around some more.

Down the short flight of stairs, I found her sitting area. She had her large vid screen on. Looked like a video game at the main menu. One of her stealth games. Dark and brooding with a rainstorm in the background; a suited man sitting on a chair, perhaps contemplating his next kill. Hitman Contracts? This looked quite old. I wondered why Shepard never seemed to play modern games. She just chose not to.

Her long couch squared along the corner of the space. Leather shining in this darklight, flickering in-time with the flash of the rainstorm on the vid screen. The source of that black neon, I found near Shepard's mini-refrigerator next to the couch. I imagined all the drinks she had in there. I still remembered our trips to the Citadel before, when Shepard would usually go shopping for white wines. For some reason, she didn't purchase the same wines these days. Maybe they reminded her of someone from the past.

Taking this chance, I sat down at the foot of Shepard's immaculately-made bed.

I had spent so long trying to imagine this place. This feeling. This angle. The comfort of her bed; the peaceful hum of these surroundings. So when I removed my mask, breathing in Shepard's room as normal, I captured this memory that much more. The soft fabric of her comforter beneath my hands. The eternal question of what she had done in this bed. Who else she'd had in these sheets. I couldn't help this jealousy simmering deep within me. Yet I wasn't supposed to feel this way. I wasn't allowed to.

Once I heard the water shut off in the bathroom, I snapped out of my thoughts.

And I hurried over to the couch. Shepard had set out a purple blanket with a few pillows. I decided to lie down and curl up there, pleased to feel this softness right against my face. But as I listened to the soundlessness of Shepard's approach, I worried. I worried about how hard my heart started beating in my chest, practically pounding against this blanket in my hold. I worried she would inevitably notice.

Still wearing what she'd had on before, Shepard sat down next to me on this couch.

I had already spread my legs out on one end. She took the space just beside me, perpendicular.

Smiling over my relaxation, Shepard settled her hand over my head, comforting me more.

"Hey," she soothed, smoothing down my hair. "You okay?"

"Yes…"

"Did you manage to eat dinner tonight?"

"Not really… My appetite comes and goes as it is. This issue with the Fleet wasn't helping."

"I understand," she replied. "Let me know if you get hungry later. I can try to make you something."

I tried to hide my reddening face behind this blanket. She might have spotted me anyway.

Hoping to avoid that topic, I shared with her instead, "You know, I've always found it interesting…how much you care about your hair. Taking care of it. Seems at odds with how—masculine you tend to be."

"Yeah, I know," said Shepard. "There was this singer I admired when I was younger. She had hair like mine. Really long, straight. Just darker. She had that swag about her. A quiet confidence. She looked like me, too. But she was still undeniably feminine. I always looked up to her. I liked seeing myself in her."

"Oh, that's so sweet," I fawned, smiling over the story. "I've wished I could play with your hair. I know you don't allow just anyone to do that."

"Sit up a bit."

Sitting with my back upright, legs spread out in front of me, Shepard gave me such a pleasant shock.

She lay her head in my lap, covered by this blanket. Facing the other way, she let me play with her gorgeous hair like this. I soon found myself amused, seeing Shepard's legs extend well past her side of the couch, as tall as she was. I imagined she couldn't have been all that comfortable, and yet she proved me wrong. With the mood from her video game, and my hands running through her hair, Shepard soon relaxed over me. Breathing deeply, slowly. I watched in arousal as her slim, toned back moved with those breaths, shoulder blades shifting under her shirt.

Gently massaging her scalp, I took in how wonderful this felt. How I could get Shepard to let her guard down so completely. She forever prided herself on her intense focus, never letting anything best her. Yet now she had turned into a gentle giant in my lap.

Trying not to stammer, I whispered, "What are you thinking about, Shepard?"

Even with her sleepy relaxation, Shepard took an unusually long moment to respond to me.

"The mission," she settled on saying. "Our final assault on the Collector base—it's coming up soon."

"How soon do you mean?"

"After we handle your trial with the Migrant Fleet, Samara has some business on Omega. Once that's done, we're all going to Thessia for shore leave. I plan on having us stay there until Aria gets back from Omega—after she wraps up her own loose ends on her station. We'll need an IFF from the Illusive Man to pass safely through the Omega 4 Relay. I'm assuming he'll send us on a mission before he hands the IFF over. Then we'll head for the Collector homeworld. Whatever's waiting for us, we'll get this done."

"Oh, I see…"

Shepard heard the doubt in my voice. "Why do you sound like that?"

"Honestly, I'm worried about how useful I'll be. During the final assault. I'm not nearly as effective against organic targets as I was against the geth during our last mission. The Collectors just shrug off most of my specialties. That's why you've stuck me on salvage duty whenever we've encountered them. Please don't tell me otherwise. You know I'm the weakest person on the team. There's no denying it."

"That's not how I see it," she insisted. "We're going to need your tech expertise. It's not like the Collectors are going to leave their front door wide open for us. I need you with me for the final battle."

"Hmm, all right," I accepted, warmed by her promise. "What about after the mission? Any plans?"

"We're going to San Diego ASAP. I'm bringing the Normandy to the Alliance for retrofits. I want my old ship back. More than likely, I'm staying at home until the war is on. Enjoying the peace while I can."

"Then I promise to stay and help out with the ship."

"Really?" asked Shepard in surprise. "I thought you'd want to go back—to the Migrant Fleet."

She barely stopped herself from saying back home.

Hopefully she had accepted that she was my home.

"This whole treason thing has put me off," I admitted. "Even if I do manage to get exonerated, this sour taste will stay with me afterward. Besides, in case you forgot, I'm your chief engineer. It will be my job to oversee the retrofits anyway. So I'll stay with you in San Diego. I'm with you until The End, Shepard."

Shepard smiled against me. "Thanks, Tali. I'll make sure we have time to hang out together."

"I'd like that a lot," I replied. "Your hometown is beautiful. I hope I'll get to spend my birthday there."

"When is your birthday, anyway? You never told me."

"The fourteenth of July. About a month from now. I'll be twenty-five."

Shepard sounded oddly wistful: "Twenty-five years old, huh? Seems like the time flew by…"

"Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't," I mused. "That makes me wonder. What sign would I be in the human Zodiac? I know those superstitions with your astrology wouldn't apply to me. I'm still curious."

"July fourteenth… Think that falls under the Cancer sign."

"Cancer, you say? What are they known for?"

"They're deeply emotional. Caring. Hard-working. Family-oriented. Sounds like you, doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does. Sounds like an interesting coincidence."

"Well, now I feel bad," shared Shepard. "For not asking about your birthday before. On our last mission. You were part of my crew before July of that year. Granted, we didn't talk much back then. Not yet."

"Don't worry about it," I offered. "You had a lot of drama going on at the time. We weren't even 'friends' until we had that conversation in the engine room. You know, just before our first shore leave on Thessia, before Virmire. It would've been strange for me to tell you about my birthday before then."

"That's true. I promise I'll get you something. If we're in my hometown, then I'll take you to the beach."

"Oh, I did enjoy the beach you took us to last time. Will we go there again? Or to a different one?"

"We'll go to Mission Beach this time," she decided. "There's an amusement park right by the shore. Has a roller coaster and a huge Ferris wheel, plus an arcade and a few other places. It's a pretty nice area."

Beaming over the image, I leaned down to kiss the back of Shepard's head.

"I'm looking forward to it already," I whispered over her hair. "Thank you so much, Shepard." All different shades of browns and blondes as a long, flowing rainbow over my lips: these strands of her hair warmed up beneath my breaths. And maybe she did the same, out of my reach. "No matter how much time passes, one thing remains the same. There's still an eight-year age difference between us. I suppose it doesn't seem like such a drastic gap anymore. Now that I'm older, anyway. Don't you think?"

"Yeah, maybe…"

Telling her my truest thoughts on this seemed unfeasible.

Shepard saved me the trouble. She shifted around, settling down over her back. She stared up at me like this, studying my eyes. Trying to find out why I had gone quiet—without just asking me directly instead. I studied hers as well. And I found such a sexless focus about her. Nothing sexually-charged, rather. Shepard's chest was no longer a cage, confining her thundering heart from breaking out in rebellion. She had already locked away those urges of hers. She instead gave me this new kind of attention. This new tenderness about her. The one I had imagined with her for quite some time now. Unconditional.

"Tali," she prompted. "What is it? Something on your mind?"

"We've talked enough about me, Shepard," I deflected. "What about you? How are you doing? Really."

Such surprise lit through her eyes. "I'm okay. Why do you ask?"

"Because…I think we all expect you to be okay. To have everything together. There are times when you don't. When you're hurting. I didn't see it before. I was supposed to care for you. I feel like I failed you."

Shepard caught my emphasis.

She wouldn't confirm or deny whether I'd failed her or not.

Instead she told me, "Even if things were different…I wouldn't have told you what I was going through."

"Why not?" I asked, letting her hear this pain in my voice. "Shepard, why do you always hold your thoughts in your heart? Why do you need to be strong for me—all the time? It's completely unrealistic!"

Staring up at the ceiling, Shepard had a faraway look in her eyes. "Feels like déjà vu…"

"Well, it should," I huffed. "Whenever you're angry or upset, you shove others away. Usually with no explanation whatsoever. You don't let them see you hurting. I get that you're supposed to be the legendary Commander Shepard. But even legends have their vulnerable moments. You may want to be perfect at times, yet you're perfectly human to me. I want to see you as you are. Not what you project."

"I know you do, Tali."

"So when are you going to start showing me?"

For some reason, Shepard smiled at that. "You're pretty expectant, aren't you?"

"Knowing what we have now, I'm allowed to be. Am I not?"

"Yes, you are," she said, still oddly amused. "I just think it's cute when you're like this. You know damn well no one else can get away with this. Not with me. So it says a lot that I'm smiling right now."

"You know I love your smile. As cute as I supposedly am, I'm waiting for you to answer my question."

Thankfully, Shepard chose to respect my request, promising me—"I'll work on it. Is that good enough?"

"Hmm, yes. I only hope you know I'll hold you to that."

"I know, Tali. I know."

We spent however much longer like this. Talking, getting to know each other again. Solidifying this sense between us: that nothing could ever break us apart. Not fully. Not completely. Even if it wasn't what Shepard wanted yesterday, she had accepted this about us today. Of course I wanted to ask what had inspired this change. I wanted to know how and why she'd decided to return to me in this way. But any time I approached the subject, Shepard steadily crept away from it. I kept trying to inch her closer to the topic I wanted. Kept trying to rein her in. She wouldn't let me. Not all the way. I spent so long doing this, I ended up losing track of time. What time, what place, what meaning? Before I knew it, midnight had passed, and I felt my eyes growing heavy. Heavier and heavier; I didn't realize when I fell asleep on Shepard's couch, curled up over her comfortable pillows, and protected beneath her warm blanket. All with her head still on my lap, with her too unwilling to move, to keep from waking me. So considerate.

Yet still a god bound by rules: as she always was, and would continue to be forevermore.

She soothed me to sleep like this. And I returned to that place I always went to in my dreams. That supposed sleeplessness of an insomniac's mind. My captain's mind, and my own unconscious self within.

Waking up to myself, I knew this doubled consciousness wouldn't last for long.

Not nearly as long as I needed.

I had stopped believing long ago that these were mere dreams. But I never seemed to remember them when I woke up. I only retained this feeling. This feeling of a wide expanse, opening my mind from within. Sleeplessness in my childhood home back on the Rayya: I awoke to a different, terrible feeling. A sinister feeling. A feeling that something wasn't right. I sat up in my bed in this darkness, illuminated only by the open window, leading out to this endless view of the Migrant Fleet submerged underwater. Maskless, open to breathe, just as I was in the captain's room in real life. Yet my breaths felt almost haggard, nursing this feeling deep in my core. Something had happened here in my father's home.

Getting out of bed, I found my companion here with me. My pet rabbit stayed in his part of the room, sectioned off with plenty of freedom to roam around. But even though he was awake, something wasn't right with him. I checked his stores of leafy vegetables, his water supply. He hadn't been eating or drinking nearly enough over the past few days. Even now he wouldn't hop over for me to pet him like he always would. His gray and white fur and floppy ears remained aglow in the night. But he almost seemed fearful.

"What happened?" I asked him. "Why are you so scared? You're at home. You know you're safe here."

Silently sentient as he was, my sweet bunny didn't seem to take me at my word.

Yet the moment I held my arms out to him, he certainly ran over to me. He actually wanted me to pick him up, to hold him, to keep him safe. I scooped him into my arms, fussing over him for a moment. The abnormally quickened pace of his heartbeats thudded against my arms. I couldn't help worrying and worrying over what was wrong. What had happened. What it was he'd sensed on his own.

Shuffling outside, I brought my bun with me. Just by the door, I found a familiar face. Or rather a faceless face of that anonymous guard. An Alliance marine sentry stationed at my door. Forever standing statuesque here; forever protecting me from harm. But only me—and my pet by proxy. Not my father. Not my father…who was supposed to be here. He was supposed to be asleep in real life. He was supposed to be in this place, dreaming of what he couldn't have while he was awake. Dreaming of us as a family, normal again after all the hurt and misunderstandings before. Then he would wake, and return to his work, pouring his love for me into his research—instead of telling me the words directly.

But as I wandered through the darkened halls, I couldn't feel him anywhere.

Not in this house; not in the whole of Insomnia, this entire network of connected beings.

"Father?" I called out to the night; to no one. "Father, why aren't you here…? Where are you?"

I changed directions, going toward his room. Even knowing he wouldn't be in there.

"Where did you go, Father? You haven't been home in days. Why did you leave me? Is it because I'm guilty? Will the other admirals exile me for whatever it is I've done? Are you ashamed?"

Steadily I stepped through the automatic door to his bedroom.

Dreading the worst, I whispered out, "Father…?"

As an unsurprising surprise, I found the captain instead. The strength of her Alliance blues gleamed in the starlight through the night. She turned to find me, that new warmth ever-present in her eyes. Not knowing what else to do, I went over to her. She embraced me, embracing my bunny in my arms as well.

"Hey, Tali," she soothed. "I'm still looking, too. I haven't been able to find him anywhere."

"It's all right," I told her. "I just know I shouldn't keep doing this. I have to get back to the office soon."

The captain laughed a bit. "You've turned into a real midnight mechanic these days."

I managed to smile against her chest. "Yes, but there's so much work to do. I still have that proposal for you. The one for my next major project. Will you have time to hear me out tonight? I'd like your input."

"Of course, baby. I'll accompany you to the office. Is he coming along this time?"

"Oh, no," I said, kissing my bun's head. "I'll go leave him with Liara. He's too restless at HQ with me. I can't focus on my work and make sure he doesn't chew up my computer's electrical wires." Glancing around the room one last time, I did feel a little hollow. But having the captain with me made everything mostly okay again. "Just let me quickly get ready, then I'll drop him off. Do you mind waiting for me?"

"Take your time. There's no rush."

Maybe there was no rush for the captain. She seemed perfectly content to retreat to the sitting room, waiting for me in there. Yet she didn't realize there was a rush for me. Not necessarily for a real reason I could pin down. Just the strength of my ambitions. These endless heights, this rushing need to work, to repair Insomnia, to fortify it. I readied myself for the night-morning with this blistering speed. Near-manic in feeling and intent; I felt as if I could achieve anything. Anything…except locating Father. Why?

Putting my frustrations aside, I had no room to dwell on them.

Setting my entire life on hold; changing everything I had ever known.

Devoting myself to this one project, for this one person…for so many others to either uphold or diminish; to understand or to misunderstand; to fear or to despise; or to outright dismiss and ignore.

Sometimes I questioned my sanity. Why I had chosen to do this. Why it seemed as if everything in my life—successes, failures, mistakes and all—had led up to this. To this single inflection point. Justifying all that I had gone through, everything I had wrought and suffered. I had found my answers in this singular project, creating and engineering this one perception. Ambitions as eternal fuel, burning and burning. Burning me out at times. Burning and breaking past my boundaries. Shattering the stars themselves, if only to reach that distant light. That far-off sun shining and blazing for us all, destined for greatness.

Destined as she may have been, it was my job to raise her up. Higher than she had ever known.

Insomnia wasn't good enough as it was. Headquarters wasn't as strong as it could have been.

She needed more. I needed more. They all needed more: still consuming, still judging us all.

So once it was time, I brought my bun upstairs. Up to Liara's bedroom. I found my dearly beloved asleep in bed. Tossing and turning. Quietly crying in her sleep. Pained for her, I went to set my pet down in his sectioned-off space in Liara's room. Right away, he went over to the food, to the water, munching on his hay first before anything. So he definitely felt much safer in this space. I would have to keep him here from now on. And I knew Liara wouldn't mind; she had already expressed that having him around made her feel better. Even a little. I went over to her with these hopes of mine, knowing she wouldn't wake.

Knowing she wouldn't sense me, either, I stroked her face anyway. Trying to wipe her tears away. Yet they kept falling, gleaming down the blue of her skin, the berried freckles of her complexion. From the aquamarine blue shining in from the water outside, I worried over this sight. This sight of Liara practically drowning in her emotions. Submerged within the sheets and duvet of her bed, she had fallen into that comfort caging her in place. And no matter how much her reality broke my heart, I was powerless to change it. The most I could do was lean down to her, gently kissing Liara's forehead.

"Please fight through this," I whispered to her. "I know you can." Trying not to cry myself, I held her as best as I could. "I'll be back again after work to check up on you. I love you, Liara. I love you so much…"

Maybe finally reaching her: Liara's tears stopped falling.

But this weight continued to press down on her.

I hoped and prayed that she would make it. I knew she would. Eventually. She just needed time.

Giving Liara that time, I made my way back downstairs. Out to this section of the Rayya, blended in normally with the quarian architecture of the ship. I found the captain waiting for me. She saw in my eyes that something else was wrong. That something else pressed on my mind. Yet for now, she simply held her hand out to me. I held out my own, and she took mine in hers. Holding my hand, escorting me along, the captain and I took the public transport together—on our way back to headquarters for work.

I still didn't know what exactly the captain did as her job at HQ. But she did have to approve our major projects, such as the one I'd created a proposal for. I supposed the captain was more of a figurehead, overseeing all of us as her executives. At least in theory. Perhaps she did much more behind the scenes.

After taking the submarine shuttle, we arrived to Insomnia's central transportation hub. Once modeled after the Grand Central Terminal back on Earth, that creation was no more. The captain in real life no longer had those intentions. Those plans of hers for New York City with the ex-boss. So my engineers and I had remodeled, changing this area accordingly. We had constructed a similarly grand reimagining of Omega. Really in anticipation for the change in hands, the official change in leadership soon enough.

Officially or not, Aria would be the successor. Not me. Not Liara. As much as it pained us both…

The captain and I made our way to the metro line, riding this sleek black car into HQ Plaza. I worried how to broach the obvious topic. This elephant in the room. Because it had been with us for quite some time now. But with work fast approaching, I wasn't sure if now was a good time. It never seemed like a good time to discuss Liara, her deterioration before our eyes. All because the captain refused to budge.

"What is it, Tali?" asked the captain, already knowing my answer.

"I wish you would at least speak to her," I shared. "Didn't you already make up in real life?"

The captain gave a non-committal, "I'm getting around to it."

"Well, that isn't good enough. Liara's in too much pain without you. I can't stand seeing her like this."

"You think I'm cruel, don't you?"

I folded my arms, unknowingly closing myself off. "I think your punishments have gone on long enough."

The captain sneered to hide her scowl, eventually settling somewhere in the middle, expressing both.

"Don't give me that, Captain," I scolded. "Liara is eternally dedicated to you. Just like I am. And I know she will never be more than your Vice President. I understand you can't give her the love she needs. But right now, you're treating her like some pawn who dared to disobey you. You are not a king, and Liara isn't your subject. And even if you were a monarch, I would still expect you to use your power wisely."

Taking my scolding to heart, the captain waxed and waned between two more states of mind.

So I figured, "There's something you aren't telling me. Is there more to this story you're leaving out?"

"You could say that."

"Then out with it."

"It's a stupid reason."

"I don't care. Tell me."

Glancing at my folded arms, the captain didn't enjoy this distance. This space I had put between us.

Maybe the discomfort finally made her admit, "It's because she reminds me too much of Miranda."

I unfolded my arms immediately, gazing at her in a gentle befuddlement.

That made so much sense… I was just shocked I hadn't come up with it myself. It seemed obvious now.

"I know Liara's her own person," she went on. "I know the two of them aren't friends anymore. But back in the day, I never approved of them working together. Miranda sitting in that office of hers, acting just like the Illusive Man… She needed Liara to be loyal to her above all. She needed that control. Liara was absolutely a variable she could control, and so they fell into that weird dynamic together. Devoting herself to that cause still benefited Liara personally. She doesn't know who she is. Being Miranda's pawn turned into her identity. Liara had told herself: if she could just be loyal to the ex-boss, she wouldn't have to focus on me like that. She wouldn't have to dwell on us. What could never be. Except now, that whole illusion's shattered. Liara has no more distractions. So she's also going through an identity crisis."

"Oh… Keelah, I should have known. She's far too empty for this to just be about you. There's more."

"This is the rest of it," confirmed the captain.

"Does this mean…you're projecting that failed relationship onto Liara as well?"

"It's not that. Things between Liara and me will always be awkward. To some extent. And not just because of Miranda, those similarities. You're my exception in a lot of ways. Liara's the same—but in different ways. Those copies of mine go to her every now and then. They do what I can't."

The words slipped out—"They fuck her pain away instead of you."

"Yes," replied the captain. "I'm not aware of these feelings in real life. I'm telling you because I know."

"Well, either way, Liara is going to stay in love with you. I only want you to respect that. I want you to respect her as a person. Even if you aren't friends, at least give her that promotion in real life. The one you and EDI discussed. Liara would make a fine executive officer aboard the Normandy. Wouldn't she?"

"I know, Tali," she agreed. "I'll talk to Liara about it. Just not right away. I'm trying to make this separation. To not see someone else in her eyes anymore. It won't happen overnight. I can't force it."

"Then will you spend time with her on Thessia? Can I expect to see you together during shore leave?"

"Okay," said the captain. "I promise I'll hang out with Liara then. I'll give her the promotion afterward."

Sighing after this verbal wrangling, I leaned against her shoulder, whispering, "Thank you, Captain…"

Sighing for her own reasons, the captain spoke no more. We stayed in silence for the remainder of the ride. Riding out these private feelings of ours—separately, together.

After escorting me to my office on the 60th floor of HQ, the captain and I parted ways. Just for now, though. She promised to return in about twenty minutes or so—once I was ready to present my proposal to her. Working in my office, this space forever reminded me of the engine room back on the ship, only re-tuned to fit with the rest of HQ's aesthetic. Much larger and more central to headquarters itself, the luster of these all-black surfaces shined on from the wide picture windows. These windows overlooked the rest of the city, the rest of this world: asleep at night as I should have been, but couldn't.

Sitting at my computer space, I looked over my proposal one last time.

The Millennium Tower Project.

I had initially conceived of this idea for defensive purposes. To fortify HQ in case something terrible happened again, such as the recent stint where Insomnia had nearly splintered—until Shepard herself entered the game to fix things. I didn't want her to have to do that again. So I needed the captain to approve this additional construction to HQ. Afterward, Aria would give her approval as the Head of Egotism and Urban Development, as this certainly fell under her purview as well. Then I would get to work with Legion and EDI now that they were here in Insomnia with us.

Of course my mind started wandering a bit. At the worst possible time. Still I couldn't help worrying over Liara. And my father. Even if the worst had happened in real life, it should have had no bearing on Insomnia. He still should have been here. Father and Shepard had made a connection when they'd met. As much as he'd embarrassed me that day, insisting that Shepard needed to be my man, he'd managed to accept her. Shepard had accepted the responsibility he'd thrust on her shoulders: to look out for me. So even if my father had gotten hurt somehow, he should have been at home in this realm. The fact that he'd just disappeared…it didn't sit right with me. I could only hope the captain would find him very soon.

Right on time, the captain returned to my office.

Existing in this space with me, she seemed to take up more room. The grandeur of her presence grew even greater whenever we were in this building. Her own headquarters, after all, this place would always affect her. That sharp attitude of hers grew far more pronounced. Even for something as simple as her sitting down, there in the chair I had set aside for her. Poised and in-control, not unlike a king, actually, the captain anticipated my presentation. For as much as Aria had fortified her ego, the captain had certainly evolved from the ex-boss' limited perceptions. That princely air about her: more brooding and misunderstood, closed-off and mysterious as she had been. She had grown into this higher power.

Standing before the captain now, I kept my mind firmly on this project, the importance.

"Thank you for being punctual, as always," I complimented. "First, let me give a basic rundown of what I've come up with. The Millennium Tower Project is as it sounds. I'd like to expand HQ from the ground-up. More floors, more space, more functions. I believe this is what the building was always meant to be. I'm merely unlocking what's already there. What should have been all along. We have the resources."

"Makes sense," said the captain. "Tell me why you've taken an interest in this."

"It's for you, Captain. You have so much more potential—to be more than what you are. I have such a passion to bring that to life. The best way to do that is to further expand your ego. We can do that by further expanding our headquarters. I'd like to share my ideas on how we could make this possible."

"I respect your passion, Tali. I'm intrigued. Go on."

"Well, about the lessons you've learned from the past. These are nearly infinite. I would like to dedicate existing floors to what has already happened in your life. I would also create infinite room for new floors, for further events in the future. For example, the first floor—the lobby—would have recreations for when you and I first met on the Citadel, back when you saved me from Saren's thugs. This was the same day you also became a Spectre. Anything before that would have to be within the basement, as your background, your foundation. Everything after that would lead to where we are today. Right now."

"Why today?" she asked. "Why right now? Specifically."

"We are currently on the 60th floor of the building. This is also the 60th chapter of your life as lived through our eyes—yours, mine, Aria's, your exes. We're now at the limit. Yet this is not The End. The very top of HQ would lead to your limitless potential. To the edge of reason itself. That edge has the solutions we all need. But you can't reach them at the moment. You need a bigger tower to get there."

The captain seemed to understand.

I continued on, "This tower is an allegory for something more as well. You've kept going so far. Going and going on your journey, sometimes feeling as if there's no end in sight." The way she stared down at the shine of this floor, that faraway look in her eyes—I knew. "You have braved countless trials, Captain. And here we are now, in this representation of the deepest parts of your mind and soul. The inner world you live in, giving life to who you truly are and what you value. All the while, you're guided by a mysterious voice, urging you to keep moving forward through the unknown. You may not wish to admit your fears, but I know you do get scared sometimes. You keep going. You don't know what the next corner will bring, yet you continue to turn the page. You proceed through the abyss and you eventually find the light. Even as this shadow behind you keeps growing larger and larger. Sometimes you need to turn back and fight that shadow: the painful memories of the ones who tried before. You hold the mightiest weapon of all to fight them well, and valiantly. This project is a means to that end for you."

The captain muttered out, "You can really see all that about me, can you?"

"Yes, of course I can. We can't see it right now, but there is a final destination. I must also praise you for getting this far, Captain. Not everyone could have accomplished such a feat. You are nearing one million battles fought, one million battles won, one by one—one stroke, one addition and deletion at a time. And I know…it's difficult. Probably the most difficult thing you've ever done. You've anguished so much away from me. Cried your eyes out for months on-end—from the exhaustion, from breaking these boundaries within your mind, of your own capabilities. You nearly lost your mind. But you keep going, every single time. I want you to keep climbing this tower. I know you can do it, Captain. I believe in you."

Conceding the smallest of smiles, she still wished to know, "You have a solid vision for this, don't you?"

"It is an unbreakable vision. I can see the end of the tower, even if you can't. You just need to get there."

"You said we have the resources for this. Are you taking on the brunt of the labor?"

"With EDI and Legion, yes. I'm fully dedicated to seeing this through. I only need your approval first."

She simply said, "Then you have my approval."

Bursting with elation, I fought not to show too much of it at work.

The captain grinned at me anyway—entirely rare from her.

"Thank you so much, Captain," I expressed. "I'm excited to get started. Whenever you send it along to Aria, I hope she'll also approve things right away. She should see the importance of this project."

"I'm sure she will, Tali. Aria will get the ball rolling soon. There's just one other thing."

"Hmm? What is it?"

"It's about your name," she mentioned, oddly ominous. "Someone is going to change it soon. Stripping you of your ship name. Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Do you want me to change it on our crew manifest?"

Was this about the admirals in real life?

"I… Well, if that's what they actually did, then yes. Please go ahead and change it. I shouldn't keep holding onto that name anyway. I associate the Neema with too many bad memories. My father kicking me out of our home on the Rayya after he found out I was gay. Having to live on the Neema as an even worse nomad, having everyone on the ship take pity on me. If Father approved of this change, then this explains a few things. It explains why he's not here at home in Insomnia. He's probably abandoned me."

"I'm not sure about that, Tali…"

"Whatever the case is," I said, convinced of my stance, "I'd rather take your ship's name. Officially."

"Okay. I'll make the change."

The captain stood from her seat, then, finding me in the midst of my resentments. Toward my father; toward my past with him; toward his ambitions having always kept us apart. Yet here I was, having fully inherited those ambitions of his, finally able to relate to him. Yet still this anger burned on within me.

"Don't lose yourself to this," warned the captain. "Remember who you are. I need you to remember."

"I'll remember that, Captain… I promise. I know how things look now. But you have my solemn word."

Smiling again, she settled her hand over my shoulder, supportive. "Then I'll let you get back to work. When you wake up, you won't remember any of this. You'll at least remember what matters: this idea, the promises you've made. No matter what happens with the Migrant Fleet, you'll have your home with me on my ship. I'm proud to have you as my chief engineer. Thank you for standing by me, Tali. Always."

Hours later, the blearing weariness of the early morning surrounded me.

When I awoke, I found myself exactly where I'd fallen asleep. In Shepard's private cabin. Lying down over her couch. Comforted by her pillows beneath me, her blanket warming me…with Shepard not having moved from her spot. Still keeping her head over my lap. Staring up at the ceiling. Looking as if she hadn't slept this whole time. Instead she'd just stared at that ceiling, thinking in her partial solitude.

At some point, she spotted my open eyes in the corners of her own.

Glancing up at me, Shepard gave me the softest focus with her stare. Intensely interested to have found me awake. Quietly glad to see me this morning. Deeply loyal to me in her own ways, having found those reasons of hers to forgive me, deep and unspoken. She looked so…adorable like this. Boyish, almost.

I smoothed my hand over her forehead, down her hair. Admiring her in this gentle quiet.

Savoring this moment while I could.

I knew we would arrive to the Flotilla soon. I knew we would have to face Liara even sooner than that.

We both knew to never speak of this to her. Shepard walked me to her door with this meaning, seeing me off at the elevator. For now, we parted ways. I expected Shepard would get ready after cooking breakfast for Aria, just like she did every single morning. And I would spend the extra time with a release of my own. Sleeping with Shepard's head over my legs, so close between me, must have activated something. Something much stronger than usual. So I retreated to my room and locked the door, dealing with this as I couldn't before.

Later on, my many masks back on, prepared-but-not-prepared to face the day:

In the hallway of the crew's quarters, I knocked on Liara's door once it was time.

Liara emerged in her usual black lab coat, giving me a small smile.

"Good morning, Tali," she said, enveloping me in a warm hug. "Are you prepared for what's to come?"

"Not really," I replied, rather bashful. "But I've decided to do my best. I need you with me for this."

"You know that's what I'm here for. Think nothing of it. Come on, let's get to the bridge. I'm sure Shepard's waiting for us with Joker."

Together we made our way to the command deck.

Together we approached that unyielding image: our captain in her N7 armor, her back to us, her arms folded. Staring straight past the windows ahead to our approach of the Migrant Fleet. The endlessness of our second-hand ships, and the magnificence of our gigantic rounded liveships dotted the landscape. Liara and I approached Shepard with such different approaches. She had something to prove today. While I had much to hide instead. Too much to hide, keeping this all inside. But when Shepard glanced over her shoulder, finding us together, the sunlight of her eyes heated us both, heating the entire bridge. Completely unintentional. Liara reached for my hand, needing my touch to squeeze, as if to pinch herself. Trying to remind herself to behave. Faced with this reality, she had to strengthen her resolve.

"Good morning, Shepard," I offered first. "Thank you for being here."

"Don't mention it, Tali," she said, strictly business for the mission. She then regarded my nervous friend. "Liara."

"…good morning, Commander," she managed to say. "How are you doing?"

Shepard was about to give a gruff response. She seemed to stop herself at the last possible second.

Joker turned to watch us now, too nosey for his own good.

Instead, our captain replied with, "I'm doing all right, thanks. It's good to see you again, Liara."

Openly surprised by that answer, Liara still smiled anyway. Beaming, really, as a panacea for her ills.

Joker cooed, "Aww, would you look at that? Don't think I've seen Liara like this since, uh, you know…"

Liara kept that unbreakable smile. "You are allowed to say it, Joker. I don't mind at all. Not anymore."

"Huh. Well, how about I don't jinx it just yet? I'll save it for some other time. Anyway, Tali, we're close. Putting you on speaker when you're ready to give them the password."

"I'm ready now," I told him. Joker gave me a thumbs-up. "This is Tali'Zorah vas Neema nar Rayya, requesting permission to dock with the Rayya."

The Fleet's traffic controller responded, "Our system still has your ship flagged as Cerberus. Verify."

"'After time adrift among open stars, along tides of light and through shoals of dust, I will return to where I began.'"

"Permission granted. Welcome home, Tali'Zorah."

…

"We'd like a security and quarantine team to meet us, as before. Our ship is not clean."

"Understood. Approach exterior docking cradle seventeen."

All too familiar, I felt this sensation of the Normandy coming into dock. Of the Migrant Fleet welcoming what should have been an enemy ship. We went through the motions of the quarians coming aboard to 'inspect' the ship—but the quarantine team only took this as a formality. They asked Shepard a few basic questions about how she kept and maintained the ship. Satisfied with her answers, they soon allowed us on our way. Next to me, Liara donned her transparent breather over her nose and mouth. Shepard settled her N7 helmet over her head. And I wasn't sure what to do. The last time we were here, Shepard had let me hold onto her arm, clinging to her that way. But I couldn't do that with Liara around… Not without her suspecting something. Luckily, Shepard saved me the trouble—she walked on ahead through the airlock, leading us forward. Liara simply stayed close to me as we followed our commander. Following her into this unknown of my own birth ship, not at all knowing what to expect.

Regardless of anything else, I remember this feeling, this nostalgia. The running sounds of the ship's machinery, showing its age. The crowds, the spectators, the attention. The distinct lack of space around the Flotilla, naturally. Until Shepard paved a path for the three of us, using her stature and her status to her advantage. The quarians all around stepped out of the way without a second thought. Yet they had more reasons to stare this time. They whispered among themselves, speculating on my guilt. They whispered and gossiped, wondering about my relationship with Shepard, given all the news that had spread around about her and Aria together. They whispered and gossiped and gasped, seeing Liara back with me as well; perhaps seeing her for the first time outside of a vid. Shepard had come back from the dead, yes. Though they couldn't quite grasp this second exception with my best friend. Not that they needed to. This was none of their business…even though I had no real answers myself, either.

Upon our approach, a familiar face headed over to us. A number of other quarians saluted the man as he found our group together, flanked by his own people.

"Captain Shepard," said Captain Kar'Danna, offering his left hand. "I am pleased to find you and Tali'Zorah back with the Migrant Fleet. And Dr. T'Soni is with you as well—a close friend of Tali'Zorah's, and an esteemed guest of the Fleet. I only wish our meeting were under more pleasant circumstances. As Captain of the Rayya, I must thank you for getting Tali'Zorah here safely; for choosing not to flee."

"Captain Kar'Danna," stated Shepard, firmly shaking his hand. "You and I both know Tali doesn't shirk her responsibilities. I'll do whatever I can to make sure she gets through this. That is my duty to her."

Captain Danna clearly smiled behind his helmet; others whispered in a rush of even more speculation.

Now my face had turned red behind my own mask…

Especially once my old ship captain gave the appropriate blessing—

"'May you stand between your crew and harm as you lead them through the empty quarters of the stars.'"

"Keelah se'lai," I said out of habit. And out of respect for Shepard's intentions.

"Thanks for the blessing, Captain," replied Shepard, having already studied the meaning on her own.

Of course Liara smiled over our commander's studious nature. Always prepared, whenever possible.

"It is much-deserved. As the commander of the vessel Tali'Zorah serves on, your voice carries weight." He then looked to me. "I wish I could do more to help, Tali. The trial requires that I be officially neutral, but…I'm here, if you need to talk." I at least nodded to acknowledge his kindness, however limited. "As for the trial itself…they're charging you with bringing active geth into the Fleet as a secret project."

"That's insane!" I argued. "I never brought active geth aboard. I only sent parts and pieces!"

Shepard remembered, "Does this have to do with your father? Those missions you went on for him?"

"Yes, it was for him. Father was working on a project, like I told you before. He needed the materials." Had I done something wrong? Did I not go over every single check I possibly could? "If I sent back something that was only damaged, not permanently inactive…" Was I not thorough enough? Had I been too distracted by Liara and Shepard being gone back then; by Shepard's decision to be with another woman instead of me; by Ashley betraying all of us…? "No. No, I checked everything. I was careful."

Captain Danna wasn't allowed to say whether he believed me or not… "Technically, I'm under orders to place Tali'Zorah under arrest pending the hearing." Without hesitation, Shepard stepped in front of me. Guarding me just enough to still let me see the stunned look on the captain's face. "Well, Tali…you're confined to this ship until the trial is over. I hope that will suffice for your commander. I'll do no more."

"Thank you, Captain," I accepted, settling my hand over Shepard's armored back. Close to her folded sniper rifle, that Widow. She moved back to where she was before—on my own wordless command.

"Preparations got underway as soon as you arrived. The hearing's being held in the garden plaza. You should speak with Admiral Raan. She's waiting for you up ahead. Good luck."

As Captain Kar'Danna stepped aside, Shepard glanced over her shoulder, looking to me.

I nodded to her, prepared to go on ahead.

So Shepard led the way forward once more. Liara and I followed her to the plaza. I wished I could have said something else. Given Liara a proper tour of the place. But even then, she didn't look around the ship—at the many crates everywhere, the cramped spaces, the ethereal lighting today and the quarian script along the walls and windows. She simply existed in the space as if it was…familiar to her? As if she had somehow been here before. Many, many times before. If I didn't know any better, Liara seemed even more at home aboard the Rayya than I was. Yet another one of her many unsolved mysteries…

I supposed this wouldn't have been so bad if the people around us would have kept their mouths shut.

"I can't believe they're charging Tali'Zorah with such a thing."

"If Tali'Zorah can't even get a quarian captain to stand for her, she's as good as convicted!"

"No, don't say that… You would think Captain Shepard might be an exception. I think she is."

That last one may have kept Shepard from starting a scene on my behalf—I sensed her growing ire, incensed and incensing the place. Perhaps those vibes from her had given the quarians around us something to think about. She didn't have to say a word. Just that wordless order from her, for everyone to shut the hell up, was enough to keep them silent as we walked by, onward to the garden plaza.

Right at the entrance to the plaza, we found Admiral Shala'Raan chatting with another quarian.

Having waited for us, Raan regarded me warmly. "Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. I am glad you came. And so soon. I would have been able to delay the other admirals for so long."

"Auntie Raan!" I said, going to hug her. "Liara, this is Admiral Shala'Raan vas Tonbay. She's a friend of my father's. Shepard, you remember meeting her before." As Raan bowed to them, I suddenly realized—"Wait. Raan, you called me 'vas Normandy.'"

"I'm afraid I did, Tali. The Admiralty Board moved to have you tried under that name, given your departure from the Neema."

Backing away—back toward Shepard and Liara—I couldn't help the sting of this betrayal.

I had already distanced myself emotionally from my ship, but this…?

Why would they do this to me?

Shepard knew. "I take it being associated with a human ship is a bad sign."

"They stripped me of my ship name," I griped. "That's as good as declaring me exiled already!"

Raan tried to soothe me: "It's not over yet, Tali. You have friends who still know you as Tali'Zorah vas Neema…whatever we must call you legally."

Shepard still needed more details. "You're an admiral. Does this mean you're one of the judges?"

"I'm afraid not. My history with Tali and her father forced me to recuse myself."

I mentioned, "I imagine Father had to do the same."

"You'll see inside, Tali. For my part, I moderate and ensure that the rules of protocol are followed, but I have no vote in the final judgment."

"We should get started, then," decided Shepard. "Does Tali have a defense counselor? Someone who speaks for her side. If she does, I need to meet them."

Raan nodded in approval. "Indeed she does…Captain Shepard. She is part of your crew, now, recognized by quarian law." This seemed to ring a bell in Shepard's mind, as I discerned through her helmet. "And remember: an accused is always represented by his or her ship's captain."

This still seemed so sudden. "So, err…you would actually speak for my defense."

"Nothing's changed, Tali," she promised. "I'll do everything in my power to help you. No matter what."

"Thank you, Shepard," I accepted, relieved. "I couldn't ask for a better counselor."

Admiral Raan explained further—"Our legal rules are simple. There are no legal tricks or political loopholes for you to worry about. Present the truth as best you can. It will have to be enough. Now come. I promised that I would not delay you."

We proceeded into the wide open, high-ceilinged expanse of the garden plaza. Metals and grass, silver steel vined and dirtied with age, beaming overhead lights whose colors had grown gilded over the centuries, with these bioengineered plants merely pretending to be natural. The unnaturalness of it all surrounded the crowds, packed around this amphitheater of our open court space. All of these people, many of whom I knew personally or in-passing throughout the Fleet—they crowded around in the sitting areas, the standing space, plainly here to judge me. Just as the admirals did, standing above us on their podium, all together. Overlooking this space, the other judgments, and my possible guilt. Waiting for us.

Nonetheless, Shepard led me forward with such confidence and strength.

I trusted in her energies, descending these steps; accepting the spectacle surrounding my fate.

Liara squeezed my hand as I went, electing to remain upstairs, sitting just nearby. She would be here.

Shala'Raan took her place with the other admirals, raised just behind them as the Speaker today. Beneath her stood Admiral Daro'Xen, doing her best not to sneer at me for once, as impartial as she was supposed to be; Admiral Zaal'Koris, looking appropriately collected and level-headed for the proceedings; and Admiral Han'Gerrel, who seemed rather torn, given his longtime friendship with my father, and… Wait, where was my father? Did he have no plans to publically announce his recusal?

Admiral Raan started the hearing, "This Conclave is brought to order. Blessed are the ancestors who kept us alive, sustained us, and enabled us to reach this season. Keelah se'lai." The crowd echoed her blessing, that mirror of Keelah se'lai, as we all knew to do. "The accused, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, has come with her captain to defend herself against the charge of treason."

Admiral Koris shot his hand to the air. "Objection!" he spat. "No matter her esteemed status, a human has no business at a hearing involving such sensitive military matters!"

No doubt fuming beneath her helmet, Shepard allowed the proceedings to go on.

Either way, Raan rebuffed him, "Then you should not have declared Tali crew of the Normandy, Admiral Koris. By right as Tali's captain, Shepard must stay."

Oddly disappointed, Zaal'Koris muttered out, "Objection withdrawn."

"Shepard vas Normandy, your crewmember Tali'Zorah stands accused of treason. Will you speak for her?"

Shepard met the admirals head-on, speaking in my defense: "I shouldn't have to. When Tali helped me stop Saren and the geth, her actions spoke for themselves. She was part of the team who helped save the Council. She supported me until the very end of our last mission, when I stopped Saren and Sovereign on the Citadel. Without her help, none of you would be alive to put her on trial today."

"Well said, Shepard," praised Admiral Gerrel. "None of us should forget Tali's contributions to the Fleet, and to your mission."

"Tali," continued Raan, "You are accused of bringing active geth to the Migrant Fleet. What say you?"

Shepard asserted, "Tali would never endanger the Migrant Fleet. She pleads not guilty."

I had to add, "I left parts and technology for teams to pick up. My father asked me to do so. But I would never send active geth back to the Fleet!" Even as I defended my own innocence, I sensed my own doubts creeping in. All the many, many distractions I'd had during those days. Those long, long days and nights on quarian colonies. Especially those final, unbearable days beneath Haestrom's boiling sun, my heart hurting over Liara, over Ashley, over Shepard… "Everything I sent was disabled and harmless!"

Sensing my doubts, Admiral Koris seared me, "Then explain how geth seized the lab ship where your father was working!"

Just as the crowd buzzed over this revelation, I stepped forward, unable to believe what I'd heard.

"What are you talking about? What happened?"

Admiral Gerrel spoke with his somber sympathy, "As far as we can tell, Tali, the geth have killed everyone on the Alerai… Your father included."

"What!?" I blurted. So all those vague dreams I'd had of trying to find him…? "Oh, Keelah…"

Outraged on my behalf, Shepard stood tall while I faltered—"I thought quarians valued family! How do you justify springing this on Tali in the middle of a damn trial?!"

"Our apologies," offered Admiral Raan. "Tali should have been informed."

"Shepard," I urged. "We have to take back the Alerai!"

Zaal'Koris advised us, "The safest course would be to simply destroy the ship. But if you are looking for an honorable death instead of exile…"

The anger burst out from me—"I'm looking for my father, you bosh'tet!"

Shala'Raan set my outburst aside, even as the crowd couldn't. "You intend to retake the Alerai from the geth? This proposal is extremely dangerous."

I expected Shepard to say something. Yet for some reason, she remained quiet. Pensive, almost.

"What does it matter?" said Han'Gerrel instead. "If we believe Tali is helping the geth, then here is how she can prove herself. Maybe killing a few dozen of those machines will prove her loyalty to the Fleet!"

Admiral Koris clarified, "We do not accuse Tali of aiding the geth cause. We accuse her of carelessness that endangered the Fleet."

"Even still," spoke Admiral Xen, "This venture would be a straightforward one. The geth aboard the Alerai have recently stopped. They were hostile up until a short time ago. We haven't been able to verify why they've stopped. They are merely aboard the ship, standing there like a bunch of mannequins. This was after we had already sent a team of marines in to dispose of the problem. The geth disposed of our marines, and then decided they would go on to do nothing at all. They remain a mystery to us. Hopefully, you might be able to dispose of them before they wake up and remember themselves."

The geth aboard the ship weren't hostile anymore? They had…stopped? But how was that even possible?

"Then it is decided," settled Shala'Raan. "You will attempt to retake the Alerai. You are hereby given leave to depart the Rayya. A shuttle will be waiting at the secondary docking hangar. Be safe, Tali. This hearing will resume upon your return…or upon determination that you have been killed-in-action."

As everyone departed the area, I looked to Shepard again.

Already cured of her previous pensiveness, she gestured for us to head out together.

We met up with Liara up the stairs. She rubbed my back in support; I whispered my thanks to her.

And to our captain as well: "Thank you for agreeing to take back the Alerai, Shepard. The admirals sound sure that my father is already dead, but…" I tried not to think of the worst. "I don't know. We won't know anything until we get there."

"How are you holding up?" she asked. "They just threw a lot of fire at you, even before telling you about your father."

"I knew this would be bad, but I guess you're never really prepared to be charged with treason. And my father… I don't know. He could still be alive. They don't know for certain that he's dead. I just don't know, Shepard. And I need to find out."

"Is there anyone here you want to talk to before we go? Maybe introduce Liara to the other admirals?"

This look in Liara's eyes…

Once again, she already seemed familiar with everyone. There was no point in introducing them.

"Honestly, Shepard, I'd rather not," I declined. "I can't think straight. I won't be able to for some time. Not until we find out what happened to Father. Not until we settle this. Could we…could we just go?"

"This is your trial, Tali. We'll handle this how you want. Let's get going."

Even Shepard seemed to know the way forward, leading Liara and me to the secondary docking hangar. From there we would take a shuttle to the Alerai, situated elsewhere among the Fleet. I wanted to know what had happened to my father; I didn't want to know. I needed to prove my innocence; my own doubts proved my too-obvious guilt. The darkness of these unknowns kept me quiet as we went along.

Even from this first hallway past the airlock, I could tell: the Alerai had seen better days. Only these persistent shoals of dust gathered in the light. In the shades, in the shadows, in the darkness, a few quarian marines lay dead in the hall. Perhaps a few researchers as well, unguarded as they were, having worked with Father on his team. Every single one of them had blood spattered against their helmets from the inside, concealing their faces. Their suits had mostly kept any blood from gushing out to the environment, keeping the sacred quarian script on the walls safe from defilement. The last sign of their lives, blocked still by this depressing need for us to cover ourselves, making all of their deaths look exactly the same. As if they had just decided to lie down and sleep forever. As if they were all one being. But every single one of these marines, these scientists had their own identities. Their own names. Their own hopes and dreams and fears. As their worst fears, just as my own, the geth had cut their lives short.

All quarians dealt with the same nightmares as children, passed down from our ancestors. We grew up haunted by the geth killing us in brutal ways. These same ways I witnessed as we entered the next room.

And when we reached this open living space, filled with bunk beds and computers, we found several geth standing in place. Not doing anything at all. Their headlights remained on. So I knew they were active. Not exactly stopped as Admiral Xen had said. Drawing my shotgun, I refused to believe these things weren't hostile in some way. Liara drew her own pistol, ready to do what we'd come here to do.

But Shepard just…stood there. Quietly. She wouldn't even draw her weapon.

"Shepard, what are you doing?" I hissed, as if trying to keep my voice down from the geth. "Why—?"

Fully aware of our presence, the geth made those mechanical stuttering sounds. All as one as a cacophony of noise, however not-noisy they may have been, I perceived it as noise. They did this as they formed a line together, facing us directly. And then the geth raised their hands and arms…in surrender.

Liara couldn't believe her eyes, questioning, "What is this…? Why are the geth trying to surrender?"

"This is a trick," I surmised. "We just need to kill them." Still, our captain refused to ready her gun. "Shepard, what is with you? Why are you acting like this? You said we would handle this however I wanted! The admirals ordered us to kill the geth on this ship. Why are you hesitating?! This isn't you!"

Shepard muttered, "They're saying something…"

"All I hear is that damned noise. You can understand them now? What are they saying, then?"

"'Keelah se'lai.'"

Furious, I shot back, "No, never! It's downright blasphemous for a geth to say that at all! The phrase means 'by the homeworld I hope to reach someday.' You know, for after the geth drove my ancestors from Rannoch, from the homeworld?!" Shepard wouldn't budge. She just stared at the floor of the ship, completely toothless. "Damnit, why are you doing this? We have a job to do! Do you want the admirals to exile me?!" She shook her head, but refused to explain herself. Too angry for my own good, I stormed over to the geth. "Whatever the hell you're saying, it needs to stop! You killed everyone on this ship, and now you want to surrender? You want to mock my peoples' most sacred saying—and for what—?"

All of a sudden, the geth lowered their arms. They started shuffling over to me. Apparently harmless, they extended their arms toward me this time. Reaching out to me with their hands. Like they all seriously wanted to give me a hug. As if they knew me. As if they were my friends, my protectors!

"I'm not your friend!" I shouted, shooting them point-blank. "Get the hell away from me!"

But the moment I sent this shrapnel of steel flying, I sensed a change in the room.

Blowing through the geth's chests with my shotgun, my actions had another effect.

Shepard had turned around, deeply pained. As if I'd pointed my gun at her, shooting her heart instead.

"Shepard?" worried Liara, touching her trembling shoulder. "What is the matter? Why are you…?"

About to start crying in the middle of the mission.

Several dead geth lying at my feet—I went over to Shepard, needing to snap her out of this.

"I already know you won't explain yourself," I told her. "But I'm telling you. We're here to kill the geth. Not sit around a campfire with them sharing stories. They're just machines. They don't matter at all." Maybe my scathing tone did nothing to help her emotional state. Maybe she grew worse because of how insensitive I chose to be. "I can already guess. Legion is your friend, so perhaps you feel attached. Still, you promised we would do this my way. My way involves killing these machines that killed my father's team. Are you going to do what I want? Or are you going to keep standing there for no reason?"

Shepard finally drew her sniper rifle. But then she darted around Liara and me, quickly leaving the room. She made sure to not let us see her face as she went, obscured past her helmet anyway. Yet I followed after her with Liara anyway, despite my frustrations. Shepard and I had just talked about this issue. This matter of her refusal to share her truest thoughts with me. Always this secrecy. Always this need to put on a brave face for me, staying strong, even when her heart cried out in pain. I couldn't possibly understand why she was in pain like this; at a time like this; at a moment like this when I needed help.

Whatever the case, she followed my orders. Shepard obliged my wishes. She killed the geth in the halls. She killed the geth in the next rooms. She did as I said, forcing her Widow's aim for my sake. She shot them dead in their tracks—even as they attempted to reach me again. These geth were still so affectionate, acting like I wanted their damned hugs. Why would a machine even want that type of connection? How could they have come up with such a scheme, trying to make me lower my guard?

Every dead quarian we passed only fueled my anger.

The memories of our dead ancestors from the Morning War only worsened my anger.

Nowhere near my headspace, Liara searched around for answers. Each of the computers we passed, she went to access them, searching for vid logs. She played the logs from the Alerai's scientists, their voices filling this space; breaching the painful distance between Shepard and myself.

"Something's slowing down the systems. We're taking down the firewalls to rebalance load distribution. Rael'Zorah ordered us bypass standard safeties. Following security protocols will take too long."

Of course I didn't like the sound of that… Because it certainly seemed as if the team was at fault here.

In one of the side rooms, I spotted a familiar piece of tech through the window. I had sent this to my father many months ago. I went inside the room with Liara, hoping to get a better look.

Shepard waited outside.

I knew she could still hear me, anyway.

"This is one of the storage units I sent to Father. Looks like parts from a disabled repair drone, plus a reflex algorithm that I didn't recognize. I got this on Haestrom."

Liara recalled, "From what you explained, Haestrom was a war zone. How did you salvage gear in the middle of all that?"

I explained to her, "These suits have more pockets than you'd think. Quarians have learned how to salvage whatever we can, wherever we can. Within reason. We're not vorcha. But we repair what most people would throw away. Hundreds of the ships in our Fleet were salvaged wrecks, either found dead in space or purchased for next to nothing."

"Hmm, yes," she said, following along. "Well, what made a part worth sending back to your father?"

"It had to be in working order. Something that could be analyzed and integrated into other technology. Anything new had priority. Technology the geth had developed themselves. Signs of modification, clues to their thinking."

"I see. And how did you get these things to him?"

"Sometimes I left packages at secure locations in civilized areas. Someone on Pilgrimage would see that it was shipped home. For very valuable finds, I'd signal home, and Father would send a small ship."

Liara pondered, "Does this salvaged gear give you any clue as to what happened here?"

"No, I don't know… Liara, I checked everything I sent here. I passed up great finds because they might be too dangerous, prone to uncontrolled reactivation or self-repair!" And I knew for a fact that nothing I sent could have caused this trickery with the geth. Yet the obvious remained—"I don't know which possibility is worse: that I got sloppy and sent something dangerous, or that Father actually did all this…"

Outside this room and down the hall, we found another computer.

When Liara played this next log, the researcher's voices did nothing to help my fears.

"Who's running this system diagnostic? I didn't authorize—… Oh, Keelah. How many geth are networked?"

"All of them. Rael'Zorah—"

"Shut it down! Shut everything down! They're in the system!"

Just what had my father and his team gotten themselves into…?

Why did everything have to end up this way?

And why, in the next room, did the geth once again stand there, waiting for us? Their hands again raised to the air in surrender. Their platforms again pretending they held no blame. All while several scientists lay dead around them. Standing there in the center of the crime scene, acting innocent like this, as if we would possibly forgive them if they acted so very sorry! These stupid tricks had gone on long enough!

I shot every single one of them—without a second thought. Without needing to think at all.

The geth's platforms dissolved in electrical heat from my disruptor ammo, blue lightning surging.

But the last geth prime, collapsed to the floor—it had its arms extended out. As if it had tried to give me something. The object that had fallen from its hands. That object now remained on the floor at my feet. This…automaton-like rabbit. For some reason, the prime had wanted to give this to me as a gift. Why?

Startling me, Shepard slammed her fist into the nearest wall.

She held that stance, keeping her ironclad fist there, dealing with her own emotions, away from me.

Liara went over to her instead, knowing better than to ask. But the question remained anyway. The question remained between both of us. This constant question, questioning Shepard's intentions, when she should have been on our side.

Blurring the lines more, the next log from the researchers only solidified my stance—

"We locked down navigation. Weapons are offline. Our mistake won't endanger the Fleet." Heated sparks of a forced entry scattered in the background. "They're burning through the door. I don't have much time. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" The energy from a blast, from the door forcing open; enveloped in smoke, the researcher hurried to say: "Jona, if you're getting this, be strong for Daddy. Mommy loves you very much—!"

The screen went black.

The geth killed her.

How could Shepard possibly have any sympathy for these callous machines?

Up the next stairs, and into the next area—she continued following my wishes. Shepard killed the machines with me, and with Liara. She put her emotions aside for the mission's sake. For my sake. Or maybe not for my sake. Maybe I was to blame. This all seemed intertwined somehow. Especially after seeing that dead geth's gift for me. But I had nothing to do with the geth. They knew nothing of me, and I cared to know nothing of them. I only tolerated Legion aboard the Normandy for work. Nothing more.

Finding more information: the following room held a console along the wall…next to a dead quarian.

I went over to the screen, checking around. "This console might have something. Most of the data is corrupted, but a few bits are left." I used my omni-tool to clean up what I could, not at all liking what I found: "They were performing experiments on geth systems, looking for new ways to overcome geth resistance to reprogramming."

Liara asked me, "How do you feel about this? Is testing weapons on the geth the right thing to do?"

"It's not testing weapons on prisoners, Liara. I only sent Father parts. Even if he assembled them, they wouldn't be sapient. You saw what Saren and Sovereign did with the geth—how such advanced AIs could easily be repurposed for another's needs. Any research that gives us an advantage is important."

"And you didn't know the kinds of tests your father ran?"

"No," I insisted. "Father just told me to send back any geth technology I could find—technology that wasn't a direct danger to the Fleet. I suspected he might be testing weapons, but I thought he was just working on new ways to bypass shields or armor."

"Then could any of this data help to clear you name?"

"Doubtful," I noted, checking the console again. "This is mostly results data. Effects of different disruptive hacking techniques. Toward the end, it looks as if they noted a significant change in the geth's processes. I don't understand all of it. But…they may have been activating the geth deliberately. I don't know. Nothing here says specifically. But if they were…then Father was doing something terrible." Resenting him all over again, I couldn't reconcile the evidence right in front of me. "What was all this, Father? You promised you'd build me a house on the homeworld. Was this going to get us there?"

Shepard surprised me by speaking up: "Tali, about the Morning War. Do you know why the geth drove your people into exile? Do you know what started the conflict in the first place?"

"Yes," I said, regarding her with ease. The same ease as my answer: "It all started with a lone geth platform. It asked one of the quarian mechanics nearby, 'Does this unit have a soul?' The engineer panicked. Everyone else panicked. My ancestors attempted to wipe the geth out—before the geth could think to attack us first. But my ancestors were unsuccessful. They were forced to flee. They had to, otherwise the geth would have ended the quarian race. It's not like the geth were going to spare them."

From behind her helmet, Shepard gave me such a hollow stare.

As if I had suddenly turned into a stranger before her eyes.

"I don't know why you're giving me that look, Shepard. That is what actually happened. There are several historical accounts preserved over the centuries, both first-hand and otherwise. My ancestors had already gotten in trouble with the Council for creating the AI machines in the first place. They needed to dispose of the problem before it could get any worse. They failed. Now we all live with the consequences of that failure. This is just the way things are. I can't change that by telling you a lie."

"I guess not," she seemingly agreed. But she clearly believed she knew better than I did. My own history.

Closing my eyes, exhaling deeply—I did my best to control my temper.

Shepard's strange behavior made this very difficult for me. Too difficult.

Trying and failing with my control, I tossed it aside. I decided to go there with her instead:

"Why say it like that?" I challenged. "You can't possibly be this self-righteous, can you? This is about my people. Not yours. Or were you there? Did you somehow travel back in time to Rannoch? Did you witness with your own eyes how we quarians dealt with our machines? We've always treated the geth this way—as our servants. Nothing more. Or are you just saying these things because you're upset?"

Seeing red through her already-reddened eyes—Shepard looked ready to explode within her armor.

Unafraid of her by now, I went on, "This has to be about Legion. There's no other explanation. I can't believe you, Shepard. I can't believe you would care more about your friendship with a geth than you care about me! Do you remember the last time we were here? When I introduced you to the admirals. You promised me. You said you would help the quarians reclaim our homeworld someday. You gave your word that you would do what my father couldn't; that you would be what he never could. Or did you forget what you said? Are you ignoring your loyalty to me for someone who doesn't deserve it?!"

Only after I said those hurtful words…did I realize I shouldn't have spoken them.

Because that pure red in Shepard's eyes had changed.

Somewhere in the middle of my tirade, her anger changed to hurt.

Hurt to a broken state.

And now she could only stare at me, absolutely broken-hearted. For reasons I could never understand.

So instead of shouting me down, Shepard just took her leave again. She exited the room. Pressing onward. Keeping her promises to me this way. Even as she refused to explain why she felt this way at all.

Liara expressed her concern, "Tali, it is clear to me that Legion isn't involved. At least not the way you believe. Shepard has her own private reasons for feeling the way she does. We need to respect that."

I sighed over my callousness. "You're right, Liara… I shouldn't have yelled at her. The only reason she didn't retaliate is because she cares for me. I've just never seen her like this. It's nothing like her."

"No, this is exactly like her. Shepard is far more emotional than you realize. She is an expert at hiding it."

Liara and I followed after Shepard, with this new knowledge. This new context. This new perspective.

Arriving up a set of stairs, we found no geth within the area. Shepard had already gone downstairs to the computers there. The logs she played resonated upward, finding us as we descended the staircase.

"First entry: our hacking attempts failed. The geth have an adaptive consciousness. Hack one process and the others auto-correct. Still, we're making progress. Rael'Zorah is convinced we'll have a viable system in less than a year. This weapon will put our people back on the homeworld. And it's all because of Rael'Zorah."

Through another doorway, Shepard had stopped.

She stared down at a quarian's corpse on the ground. Shadowed in darkness, covered in shoals of dust…

"Father!"

I hurried over to him, kneeling at his side—checking, checking—in denial, in denial—

"No—no, no! You always had a plan. Masked life signs—or, or an onboard medical stasis program, maybe! You—you wouldn't…" Yet no matter what I said, Father continued to lie there. Lifeless. His arm folded over his front, as if he'd imagined holding me as he had died… Or even Mother as well. "They're wrong! You wouldn't just die like this! You wouldn't leave me to clean up your mess! You can't!"

Setting all else aside, Shepard gave me her virtues, reaching out her hand; helping me stand with her.

"Hey," she soothed, abnormally patient with me. "Hey, come here."

Shepard held me close. She held me tight. Exactly as I needed from her. And I felt Liara right next to me, bundling this moment in a tortured perfection. The two people I needed most, supporting me after everything. I actually had them with me this time. I wasn't off on my own, suffering in their absence.

Knowing Shepard and Liara would always be here, it helped these tears subside…somewhat.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled in Shepard's hold. For more reasons than I could express at the moment.

Shepard only shook her head as I pulled away.

Liara smoothed her hand down my hood, again reminding me I wasn't alone this time.

"Maybe…he would have known I'd come. Maybe he left a message."

Going to my father once more, his omni-tool responded to me.

A holographic image appeared of him—the last vid he'd recorded, rushed in his fear of imminent death:

"Tali, if you are listening, then I am dead. The geth have gone active. I don't have much time. The main hub will be on the bridge. You'll need to destroy it to stop their VI processes from forming new neural links. Make sure Han'Gerrel and Daro'Xen see the data. They must use it to help the Fleet retake our homeworld. I know you will live on without me. Dr. T'Soni will keep your safe, I am sure of it. And make sure Captain Shepard keeps her word to me. That day we met, I made her promise she would care for you in my stead. If you have dedicated yourself to her, then she must do the same for you. You have my blessing. You—"

He tried to run away, then, only for the geth to catch up…and end him.

Having his blessing at a time like this—better late than never, I supposed.

"Thanks, Dad," I said anyway.

"He knew you would come for him," spoke Liara, trying to see the positive side. "He was trying to help you. It isn't perfect. It is not what you wanted. But it is the best he could do."

"This was always the best he could do. As much as I used to hate him for never saying 'I love you.' As much as he would make me cry with how severe he was. One way or another, I still cared. Even when I didn't want to. Yet I'm still here. The two of you are by my side, and we're ending this. Come on."

Up these last stairs, we arrived to the Alerai's bridge.

Perhaps for the best—as with before, no geth awaited us this time.

I couldn't imagine slaughtering more of them now. Not after the moment Shepard and I had shared.

We went over to the main console, probably thinking the same thing at the same time.

"This console is linked to the main hub Father mentioned. It looks like some of the recordings remained intact, like the others we found. They'll tell us how this happened, what Father did…"

Shepard noticed, "You sound like you don't really want to hear it."

"No. We have to, I know. I just…this is terrible, Shepard. I don't want to know he was part of this."

I activated the recording anyway, dreading the inevitable. Especially once I heard Father's voice first:

"Do we have enough parts to bring more online?"

"Yes," said one of his scientists. "The new shipment from your daughter will let us add two more geth to the network."

Another researcher chimed in, "We're nearing a breakthrough on systemic viral attacks. Perhaps we should inform the Admiralty Board, just to be safe."

"No, we're too close," insisted Father. "I promised to build my daughter a house on the homeworld. I'm not going to sit and wait while the politicians argue!"

"We'd have an easier time of it if Tali'Zorah could send back more working material."

"Absolutely not! I don't want Tali exposed to any political blowback. Leave Tali out of this! Assemble new geth with what we have. Bypass security protocols if need be."

How could he think to do all this to protect me…?

Shepard got the message, too. "Your father was deliberately networking the geth to sapience to do weapons tests."

"That breaks our most sacred laws," I told her. "Laws that predate our flight from the homeworld! Everything here is his fault! I tried to pretend it didn't point to him, but this… When this comes out in the trial, they'll…" I remembered all over again. As my defense counselor, Shepard held my fate in her hands. "We can't tell them. Not the admirals, not anyone."

She certainly knew a thing or two about keeping secrets.

Yet still she objected: "Rael'Zorah doesn't need you to worry about him anymore. You heard him say he didn't want you to be caught in the politics."

I pleaded with her—"You don't understand, Shepard… They would strike his name from the manifest of every ship he ever served on! He would be worse than an exile. He'd be a traitor to our people, held up for children as a monster in a cautionary tale! I can't let all the good he did be destroyed for this…"

"Tali, without this evidence, you're looking at exile! You think I'm just gonna let that happen to you?"

"And you think I don't know that? You think I want to live knowing I can never see the Fleet again? But I can't go back into that trial and say that my father was the worst war criminal in our peoples' history. I cannot." Fortuitous timing or not, I remembered—"Besides, Shepard, you should be able to relate. I recall you had a Benedict Arnold of your own aboard the Normandy. Not long before I joined you again. She committed the worst sins against us. She took Liara from us. She lied to you. She nearly made you lose your mind! And after you gunned her down, what did you do? You lied to the galaxy, Shepard. You lied to her family. You rewrote history, and gave her an honorable death, letting her be buried on Alliance soil with decorated veterans and war heroes! All because it was the compassionate thing to do. You chose to honor the love the two of you once shared. Now I'm asking you to do the same for me."

Shepard could have argued the point further.

Insisted that her actions were about keeping the Williams Curse from coming back with a vengeance.

She knew I had a point. I saw her concede that point to me—all with this tenderness in her eyes.

Thankfully, she chose not to fight me on this. We had done more than enough fighting for one day.

"We're not going to decide anything here," she settled. "Let's see what the admirals have to say once we get back."

"You're my captain in this hearing, Shepard. It's your decision. But please. Don't destroy what my father was." I knew I could say nothing more to persuade her at this point. "Come on. If we wait too long, they'll decide we're already dead, and none of this will matter."

Leaving this all behind, the three of us left the Alerai, back to the Rayya. Back to the trial. Back to my possible conviction and exile—or freedom. I had no say in this. Not anymore. After the way I had mistreated Shepard on this mission, she had every right to get me exiled. So I spent the shuttle ride imagining that scenario, and only that scenario: how my life could have gone, still loving my captain who had bound me to her. By forbidding me from ever returning to my people. As I probably deserved now.

Following Shepard's lead once more, we hurried back to the garden plaza.

Already we could hear the rumblings from the admirals, making too many assumptions as usual:

"We need to face facts. There has been no word. The geth must have reactivated themselves; become hostile once more. There is no reason to think Tali'Zorah survived."

"We must trust Shepard's offer of assistance! It has only been a few hours!"

"The quarian marines lasted less than five minutes, Admiral. Call it."

"A pity Shepard vas Normandy is a better speaker than a soldier. After all she survived before, it would seem a few geth were enough to best her this time. I recommend posthumously exiling Tali'Zorah."

"What?!"

"It was agreed that Tali'Zorah would not be convicted if she were killed-in-action!"

"It was suggested, Admiral. I recall no agreement. To that end, I call for an immediate vote."

Pushing our way through the plaza, Shepard and I rushed downstairs to the admirals.

Even as Shala'Raan gave into the pressure: "Very well. Is the Admiralty Board prepared to render judgment?"

Not all of them looked too pleased to see us again.

"Sorry we're late," I mentioned.

Shepard also said, "You didn't waste much time declaring us dead. Go get your ship."

"We apologize, Shepard," offered Han'Gerrel. "Your success in taking back the Alerai is…very unexpected."

"But also very welcome," added Admiral Raan.

Han'Gerrel inquired, "Did you find anything on the Alerai that could clarify what happened there?"

Looking to Shepard, I hoped she would remember what I'd said. About what I wanted. She gave nothing away in her own regard. But I knew she remembered everything that had just happened. Our fighting, our disagreements. How I had treated her today, and before yesterday and all. For those reasons alone, I supposed…I wouldn't have blamed her if she went against my wishes. As Shepard approached the admirals, I still remained convinced that she would. That she would do things her way; insist that I was too young to see her reasons, and that she would thank me later. I would have had no room to be upset with her if she did this. I still felt as if I deserved such a thing. To be exiled from my own people, all from the way I continued to hurt the one I loved. Hell, maybe she would even kick me out of the airlock next…

Admiral Raan asked, "Does Captain Shepard have any new evidence to submit to this hearing?"

Shocking everyone in the crowd, Shepard pointed at the admirals with the force of her assertions—"Tali's achievements are the only evidence you should need! Come on, Tali. We're leaving."

"What?" cried Raan over the audience's burgeoning gossip and chatter.

Zaal'Koris sputtered, "This is a formal proceeding!"

"Wrong, Admiral!" snarled Shepard. "This is a sham! I know how you think; I know exactly what you are! You're trying to build sympathy for the geth to forestall the war effort!"

"That is completely—!"

Shepard took aim at Han'Gerrel—"And you want all the messy experiments covered up so you can throw your fleet at the geth! To hell with your friendship with your old military pal Rael'Zorah, right? His death doesn't matter; you'll even exile his daughter as long as you get to go to war! Or did you think I forgot?"

"I… I…"

She didn't forget about Xen—"Don't even get me started on you. After the way you treated Tali the last time I was here, I see where this is going. Or do I need to remind the crowd of your conflict of interest with Tali? What better way to get revenge than to exile the one person in this Fleet you can't stand?"

Arms folded in defiance now, Admiral Xen couldn't even find the words to object to that.

"Do whatever you want with your toy ships. But leave my crew out of your political bullshit! We have no new evidence. You can accept Tali's word, or you can exile the woman who saved the Council from the geth. The choice is yours, Admirals."

Only once the crowd calmed to hushed murmurs did the admirals collect themselves. Barely.

Meanwhile, I couldn't believe what Shepard just did…

Shala'Raan continued the hearing: "Are the admirals prepared to render judgment?"

Using their omni-tools, one by one, Xen, Han'Gerrel, and Zaal'Koris recorded their individual votes.

Something in the way each looked at me brought out the truth of Shepard's accusations. They may have had their reasons to exile me before—those political reasons indeed. All the goodwill I'd built with them before, as the chief admiral's daughter, had meant nothing leading up to this moment. Yet now the tides had changed. Shepard had forced the tides in my favor, all from the strength of her love for me. Maybe she would never tell me those words. Maybe she would be just like him, denying me that connection.

Nonetheless, my captain's actions spoke for themselves.

Admiral Raan then announced, "Tali'Zorah, in light of your history of service, we do not find sufficient evidence to convict. You are cleared of all charges." Even as this tension subsided in me, it took a moment for everything to sink in. "Commander Shepard, please accept these gifts in appreciation for you taking the time to represent one of our people."

Shepard accepted the gift via omni-tool, adding, "With all due respect, Admiral, I didn't represent one of your people. I represented one of mine."

"So you did, Captain Shepard. This hearing is concluded. Go in peace, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Keelah se'lai."

In the wake of that echoing prayer, Shepard and I left the area with the crowd. Up the stairs, we found Liara waiting for us. She gave me an encouraging smile, glad that I had gotten out of that unscathed. She waited off to the side, giving me this space to speak with Shepard alone. Or as 'alone' as we could possibly be in this packed plaza—with everyone's eyes on us, their gossiping still spreading around us.

"I can't believe you pulled that off, Shepard. What you said… I've never had anyone speak like that on my behalf. At least—certainly not at a formal hearing like this. It's been a while since anyone shouted down the Admiralty Board. I think it was good for them." There was so much more I needed to say. So much more I needed to tell her. But I couldn't find the right words. All I could think of was—"Thank you for being there for my father and me, even when…" This would never, ever be enough. "Thank you."

"Tali, about what your father said, what he did… You deserved better."

No, I didn't deserve better.

But I also didn't want to dismiss her sentiments.

"I got better, Shepard. I got you."

The shapes of her eyes shifted into a smile—those same eyes I had once burned in fury and heartbreak.

She even had the foresight to ask, "What will you do about your father's house? Are you just going to leave it as it is? Or did you want to go back and get your things?"

"I should…probably take everything out. We didn't have very much. As large as my room is on the Normandy, I'm sure I could fit our things in there. Do we have time for me to do that?"

"We have time," promised Shepard. "We're not leaving for Omega until Samara says she's ready. Won't be for a few more days at least. So we can stay docked here until then. I can help you move if you want."

"Oh, no, that's quite all right. I'll make the guys do it. Kaidan and Garrus will be glad to help. Maybe I can bring Joker along for moral support. I'd like to show Liara around, too. Not right now, though. I'm exhausted…"

"Come on then, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Let's get back to our ship. Let's go home."

Making me smile, brightening my heart—Shepard held my hand this time as we left the Rayya.

"Thank you…Captain."

Even as this finality hung over us, I knew:

Shepard chose to put me first. But I also saw what she needed. She needed her space. She needed time to unwind from this long, grueling day. She needed time and space to herself—despite this eternal radiance shining in her eyes, for me and only me. No one else. Time and space, space and time eternal… I almost felt our time running out. I felt us reaching the end of this juncture. I wanted more time. I wanted more from her. Yet I wasn't selfish enough to ask. I simply allowed this time to pass on, the next end nearing; our current mission's conclusion closing in on us.

No matter what happened, Shepard and I would always have this.

Finally, she was here to stay. She wouldn't run from me anymore. She wouldn't throw me away again.

I only hoped Shepard knew how grateful I was to her. How much I appreciated her. How I could never repay her for her kindness. Her endless patience. Her own stalwart devotion to me—one I certainly didn't deserve. But she had made the decision to love me unconditionally, exactly in this way. Exactly as I needed. Exactly as I had always wanted, yet never fully received. She gave me this treasure, wrapped and gilded in the gleam of her acceptance.

Richer for having loved her, she had my true loyalty, now and forever.