Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

65. Violet Diamond

"Summer Overture" from Requiem for a Dream

LXV. Violet Diamond

(Shepard)

Reflections melting in this summer heat, bending and distending and extending into dreams, as my one dream come true for this midyear, for our mission's end. Such constant dreams I'd had growing up on Earth. Inherent goodness of the people around me. Giving the benefit of the doubt to strangers. Helping those in need. Building up to a better future. Putting our best potential to use, making way for the grand discoveries of the galaxy. Enshrouded in this perfect California heat, I would stare up to the true blue of the skies, dreaming on with my dreams, and hoping for a better present. Because the present the present had given me kept me from staying present in my own reality. Constantly dissociating in anger.

Leaving the Normandy with my team, we exited to this perfect heat I remembered. Radiating all around, this early-morning temperature had dried out the open space of our private docking bay. Yet the breeze blowing in from the nearby Coronado Bay helped blow over this sweltering sense. Already the middle of July—I didn't blame my team for complaining loudly about the weather. In the same breath, they cheered in anticipation for my hometown's beaches, for the translucent seas and the pearly white sands waiting for them—and the nightlife afterward. I held Aria's hand, surrounded as we were by everyone else. This sweat had already started bubbling out from her skin, from the black of her fingerless gloves. Aria groaned over this change in weather, never having been to San Diego before. She then groaned in grumpiness as the others hurried around us, in a near-scramble to leave the Alliance base already. Most of them already knew their way around by now. Just like a bunch of kids excited for the summer break.

On this fourteenth of July, I had a few promises to keep.

The birthday girl, Tali, stopped to look at me. She held Liara's hand in hers, keeping her near as the guys corralled both of them away. Tali made sure to wave goodbye to me, smiling behind her mask. I waved back to her. For the time being, the original team would all go off together, seeing the sights they had planned as a group. Then we would all meet up at a familiar place for lunch, to celebrate Tali's birthday, before heading to Mission Beach for the afternoon. I imagined the team would gather at the 94 tonight, too. After getting interrupted at Dark Goddess, everyone hoped to enjoy the scene at the nightclub.

Walking inside the base with Aria, we escaped the heat bearing down on us outside.

The chilled interior of these Alliance colors and contours: Aria relaxed, somewhat. Even as she fought not to show her distress, that sheen of sweat had coated over her face, already. And I worried for her.

"This heat isn't agreeing with you," I pointed out.

"No," she grumbled, sweat pooling down to her breastplate. "It isn't."

"I can use my implants for us—if you want."

"Then it'll be too cold. You shouldn't. This technically isn't a weather hazard, unlike that frozen chill in my hometown. I'm just too…sensitive to the heat, I suppose. I'm really not built for these extremes."

"Doesn't help that it's the middle of July," I said, noticing a concession stand nearby. "Come with me."

Aria certainly wasn't alone in her troubles. I assumed a lot of comers and goers couldn't deal with this heat, either. Especially not while traveling all over Earth, only to arrive to these extremes of dry heat. So the Alliance had set up this concession stand near the docking bays, if only to offer some kind of relief. Guiding Aria along, I brought her to the stand. We didn't need to stand in the long line of people fanning themselves—one of the marines working behind the counter hailed us over. So I ordered Aria a slushy for her to sip on. At least until we made it back home. A sweet and sour strawberry lemonade flavor.

"You ordered me a what now?" she puzzled. "A 'slushy'? Sounds odd. What is that?"

"It's kind of like a flavored ice soda," I explained. "You haven't seen those machines in the theaters?"

"Oh, those colorful ice things. I always thought they were for kids. Adults drink them, too?"

"When it's this hot, yeah, pretty much. It should cool you off. If you don't like it, I'll drink the rest."

"Hmm, sure. I'll give it a try."

After paying for Aria's slushy, I handed the tall cup to her. Cold to the touch, she accepted my offer, smiling in pleasure already. She smiled even more once she sipped from the straw. The soft texture iced her tongue, all as one blend of strawberry and lemonade flavoring. I could already imagine how everything melted in her mouth. Especially once Aria gave me a look, almost mischievous in her intent. I smiled right back at her. She kept on sipping while I led her along—over to the nearest metro station.

As we went, I noticed the uptick in people staring at us. More than usual whenever we went out. Maybe it was the way Aria offered the slushy to me on occasion. Maybe it was the way I hooked the straw in my mouth, drinking a bit. Maybe it was the way Aria smiled at me as I did this. The two of us, known for being so severe, softening for each other. The staring only continued once we passed through to the station; once we boarded the monorail, taking the transit to Central Station, over in my neighborhood. The monorail passed over the blue of the Coronado Bay, deeply reflecting the skies above. Aria stared out the window to those similarities, and the soaring metropolis of the city's buildings in the distance. Her curiosity about my home seemed child-like. Even as that natural severity had hardened her expression, reflecting in the window for me to see, Aria still gave off this feeling. Unguarded and unburdened, she let me hold her free hand for this ride, all while she sipped on that ice of hers in peace.

Every now and then, I spotted the change in Aria's focus.

Still staring out the window, she would shift her gaze to my reflection. Making eye contact with me through the glass. Aria would fixate on me. Fixating and fixating, fixing her gaze to mine. This adhesive about her made me wonder. I wondered and wondered what went through her mind as she did this. As intense as she naturally was, this somehow felt like more. So much more than I was used to from her.

After the ride, we arrived in my neighborhood. Still sipping from her straw, Aria slowly adjusted to the change in scenery. She blinked her eyes, slowly, as this everlasting light fogged in with the heat. I felt her making this memory with me. The faint sounds of police sirens blaring in the distance. The people around us walking down the sidewalks, staring as usual. The packed density of my neighborhood overall, with stores and restaurants and other businesses lining the streets, filling every corner. The ads glowing in the daylight, too, kept our surroundings lively enough.

Even still, Aria would look to me every so often.

Especially once we made it to the lobby of my apartment complex.

The glimmer of this golden lighting, all from the chandelier overhead, colored her curiosities just so. The comforting warmth of these woods, smooth as chocolate, felt the same as hers. We went up the elevator with this feeling, this understanding between us. Aria didn't bother hiding her stares, her curiosities. I somehow kept her attention as we made it to my apartment. And still more once I opened the door for her, watching as she went in first. She sighed in contentment, enjoying the air conditioned chill in my home. Suddenly so aware of the sweat over my own skin—atop my scalp, and down the back of my neck—nearly congealing in the fine cold. I remembered this well from my summers here at home.

"Welcome home, Commander Shepard."

After the door locked behind us, Aria continued to stand in the entranceway.

The sleek steps led down to the living room, to the guest room off to the side. I expected her to head down those steps, taking a look around first. But she simply stayed here with me. That slushy cup in her hand looked empty. I could see the dredges of red coloring streaking all the way down to the bottom.

Once again, I couldn't quite decode this look in her eyes.

Darkened in desire, with the blinds over my windows closed to keep the heat out—Aria proved as enigmatic as ever. Equally magnetic in her silence. She couldn't look away from me for some reason.

I gestured to the cup in her hand. "Are you finished with that?"

Aria nodded to me.

"Here," I said, taking the cup in my hands. "I'll throw this away. We still have a couple of hours before meeting everyone for lunch. Are you hungry now? Or do you want to eat once we're over there?"

"I'm hungry now," she murmured. "I want you to cook something for me. Besides, I don't like eating in front of other people. Especially people who know me. You happen to be one of my exceptions."

"Hm? Why don't you like it?"

"I don't know the exact reason. It just makes me feel—uncomfortable. Self-conscious. Like everyone suddenly sees me as a normal person. That doesn't work for my image. I certainly enjoy when you take me out to eat. We always have our seclusion, our privacy. We won't have that when we go out today."

"All right, babe," I accepted. "I get what you mean. I'll make us something, then. Have a look around if you feel like it. You can take a shower in my room to cool off some more."

"Yes, I think I'll do that."

I held Aria's hand as she walked down the steps. Staying up top like this, I just wanted to give her this support, listening to her heels clicking with her weight. I couldn't see her expression from behind—yet I had the feeling she smiled as I did this. Once she let go of my hand, walking far enough away, she made sure to brush her fingertips over my palm, feathering her gratitude to me. Aria then went to one of the windows. The blinds over that single pane of glass shifted, adjusted for her automatically, opening up to the grand view of the city. While she stared outside in a quiet contemplation, I got started on breakfast.

Aria had picked up on my weakness for cinnamon. So I looked in my forever-freezer, finding some cinnamon buns to heat back to freshness. Only once I started mixing our mimosas did Aria move from her spot, going to survey the guest room. She stayed in there for a while, giving me enough time to put our glasses in the refrigerator. I went to my bedroom, then, suddenly remembering. Remembering that picture I had on my nightstand. As soon as I stepped inside my room, I grabbed the picture frame, keeping it face-down. I brought it with me to the living room. For now, I just set it off to the side. Away and out of sight. I'd figure out what to do with it later. Much later. I didn't want to think about it now.

I turned the vid screen on, hoping to set everything to the back of my mind.

Except I'd left it on the fashion channel.

I jabbed at the remote, turning the screen to something else. Sports? Looked like pre-coverage for some baseball game today. News? More baseless speculation about that virus from Project Overlord, still eating up the airwaves after all this time. History channel? A soft-spoken documentary about Machu Picchu, the ancient Incan city of ruins in Peru down in South America. The archaeology angle reminded me of Liara. I decided to leave it on this documentary, listening to the history refresher while I cooked.

Aria strode by at some point. She walked through the living room, past this opening with a view of the kitchen. She kept her eyes to me as she went along. I wondered if she'd picked up on my annoyance from minutes ago, completely unrelated to her. She chose to say nothing. Aria simply gave me one of her little smiles before disappearing down the hall. I heard the running water from my shower not long afterward. I kept on with my tasks, burdened by these reminders all over again. Reminders of the past, inescapably, just from being back here again. The much more recent past cropped back up for me, too.

Back on Hermes Station, during our last operation, Miranda had wordlessly ordered Aria to handle the transmission dish. Then Miranda had stayed behind with me, speaking to me. She had chosen this time on purpose, knowing Liara had remained in the vicinity, and knowing Liara couldn't understand us. Out of everything Miranda had said to me, one specific phrase stuck out. Four specific words had grated at me since that day. Just four words kept coming up and coming up, shooting my blood pressure sky high:

"You belong to me."

Yeah, I wanted to believe Miranda would come around with this whole Cerberus thing.

I didn't want her to be our enemy.

But every time I remembered those words, I threw all those hopes of mine away. Far, far away. These reminders of her control—or her need to control me—played in an infinite loop in my head. The same reminders only worsened my feeling about Mars, about this situation. I sure as hell didn't trust Miranda to get my people back safely. Not with the Illusive Man involved. But my terrible feeling about tomorrow, this impending doom… I suddenly didn't have an appetite for my favorite foods anymore.

By the time Aria returned to the living room, sitting on the couch, she no doubt noticed this about me.

Especially because I hadn't made enough for myself.

I only brought this one plate for her, this single glass of mimosa for her.

Aria accepted my cooking with a smile, yet she still asked, "Is something bothering you? The obvious?"

"The obvious," I said, plopping down on the couch next to her. "I wanted us to just have a chill day today. Not worrying about the rest. Doesn't look like that's gonna happen. I'm livid about everything."

"Then tell me how else you're feeling. What are you worried about?"

Staring at the vid screen, the documentary playing there, I found enough of the truth: "I honestly feel like the Illusive Man's pulling a stunt. Sending you to Mars without me. I know he's hiding something. This isn't just about the data in the Prothean Archives—whatever it is Miranda's supposed to deal with. You already know he's not really on our side. I don't think he gives a damn about the mission, either."

Despite her own anger with the situation, Aria remained thoughtful. "Shepard, even if that's true, he won't succeed. You know that. Sure, the Illusive Man's taking some of your control away, limiting where you can and can't go with us. But once that's done, he won't matter anymore. I'm sure he sees how futile his schemes are. Maybe he's getting desperate. Still, I trust you to get us to the other side."

Aria's encouragement helped to smooth over most of my anxieties. But not for too long, I knew.

---

By the time we made it to my car, driving to the spot to meet the team, this sense of disquiet came right back. I held Aria's hand as I drove along. She had dressed me up in a pair of leather jeans, and a long-sleeved white shirt, both fitting tight and taut around my slim sinew. She smirked, enjoying the eye candy. We drove through the heat of the day, up to La Jolla Shores. The team had decided to gather at the Marine Room—the seaside restaurant where I had taken some of them before for happy hour. Dining along the sandy shores; the aquamarine tides crashing against the windows as a spectacle of nature. I had Tali's birthday present in the backseat. Purely focused on our destination, I remembered how I'd felt the last time we were there. Hopelessly anxious about seeing Liara again; having missed her like hell without realizing it, only for everything to suddenly hit me the next day. Driving along this skyline of the highway, I linked my feelings today to how I felt back then. I breathed in this chill of the air conditioner, trying to cool my heated head. I just couldn't shake this off.

Once I parked, walking to the passenger's side, I helped Aria out the car. I found my pride in being this for her—in this softness of her gratitude, painted and colored in our twists and yearns. I tried to dismiss my other thoughts, holding Aria's hand; guiding her along to the Marine Room's entrance. This midday sunlight radiated and boiled, boiling in this pleasantness. A heat so polite and considerate, it asked for permission before burning this brightly, only to take its permission anyway, as nature was so wont to do.

Making it to the cooled interior of the restaurant, my thoughts persisted in the same ways. Not quite asking for permission. They filled me anyway, contradictory, both wanting to respect my wishes for a chill day, and completely defying whatever I wanted. These constant red flags kept waving, red sirens kept blaring, even as Aria and I walked through the calm crowd in here. All these people enjoying themselves—sitting at their tables, gathered as friends and family and more, loving the seaside shade shading the building in this calm, this perpetual calm. Indistinct chatter from everyone's conversations grew much louder as we passed by. Louder still once we made it to the main group, where most of the team had gathered for Tali's birthday celebration: Joker, Javik, EDI, Kasumi, Kaidan, Zaeed, Garrus, and Liara, and Mordin. Samara and Jack stayed off to the side, enjoying a shared solitude with each other somehow. I saw those familiar faces all together, their laughter having reached us from across the room. I almost thought Wrex was here in-person—I heard those loud guffaws of his before anyone else. But it was just him on a vid call with Tali via omni-tool. She sat at the main table at the center of attention.

Liara noticed us first, coming over this way.

Mischievous in intent, Aria whispered to me, "You should greet her properly from now on."

I stared at her in shock, not understanding what she meant.

Then I saw the way Liara looked at me as she approached.

That diffidence about her. So uncertain. Not quite knowing what to say. Not meeting my eyes, either. I didn't mean to smile her way. Paces away from me, Liara stared down at the floor, at the rounded points of my boots. Maybe she wondered why I chose to wear this difficult outfit in the middle of summer. I never really dressed like I was from here. She smiled over my habits anyway—just not at me.

"Hey, Liara," I said, pulling her into my arms; kissing her reddened face. "You good?"

Liara allowed me to surround her like this. "Hello, Shepard," she whispered. She sighed over my shoulder, smelling this scent of my cologne over my shirt—and probably my car's air freshener. "I'm doing very well…thank you." She seemed hyper-aware of people staring at us; of people taking note of Aria's specific enjoyment behind us. "I have to say, I wasn't expecting this warm welcome from you. But I'm not complaining." She shuddered a bit in my hold, reacting from the sudden thrust of the shore against a nearby window. "…Joker and the others wouldn't stop laughing at me before you arrived."

"It takes some getting used to," I noted with a grin.

"Yes, it seems I've learned that the hard way."

Aria took her turn to ask, "So does that mean you're not enjoying yourself?"

"I am—for Tali's sake," replied Liara. "Come on, I'll bring you to the group. We've been expecting you."

We followed Liara over to the table where everyone congregated.

I stayed back a bit, giving Aria a look.

Aria laughed softly, explaining, "This is my way of thanking Liara for her cooperation."

"Her cooperation? Is that what you're calling it?"

"Absolutely. Considering how uncooperative a certain someone is, it's made me appreciate this more."

Catching the group's attention, I didn't mean to laugh. They caught my enjoyment all the same. And most of them smiled in discovery, probably glad to see this side of me. They said their hearty hellos, having started drinking already, and so I found them much livelier than I was used to. I went over to Tali in the middle, catching her just as she ended her vid call with Wrex. She hurried up from her seat and into my arms.

"Shepard, you made it!" she exclaimed in relief. "I'm so glad you're here."

"I promised you I'd come by," I reminded her. "You didn't think I'd bail, did you?"

"No, you'd never do that. It just feels like the day is finally complete now."

"Well, speaking of that," I said, handing her this gift. "I got you something. Happy Birthday, Tali."

Tali brightened considerably, accepting the rectangular-wrapped present in her hands.

"Oh, Shepard, you didn't have to get me anything… Thank you so much! Should I open it now?"

"Yeah, you can open it now if you want."

I sat down next to Tali at the table. With everyone else off doing their own thing, we more or less had our space like this. While Tali unwrapped her present, I made sure to glance at Aria across the way. She had apparently started up a conversation with Liara. I couldn't imagine what they'd decided to talk about. I couldn't really tell, either, because Liara faced away from me. Maybe on purpose. Of course Aria had to go and wink at me. She knew I wondered about them. Especially while she was up to no good.

Tali gasped in surprise. "Is this…a book about metaphysical engineering? How did you know I liked this subject?! I've been obsessed for several weeks! I keep dreaming about it and I don't know why…"

"Just had a feeling you might like this topic."

"A feeling, hm?" Giggling over my mysteries, Tali gave me another, tighter hug. "You really are a sweetheart. Thank you again. I can't wait to start reading once I'm back on the ship!" This single mention of the Normandy, however brief—I saw Tali's reluctance. She didn't want to get anywhere near the subject of the mission, of what these next few days still had in store for us. "Well, anyway… How are you doing, Shepard? Are you glad to be back home? It won't be for very long, though. Not yet."

"Not yet, no. I'm trying not to feel anxious about everything. You know."

This subject really seemed unavoidable now.

So Tali suggested, "Listen, why don't we talk about this later? At the beach. The other beach, I mean. The one you said you'd take me to. Everyone's excited to head over there after we leave here. That one's more of a 'traditional' beach, isn't it? For Earth, anyway. This one is more for the scenery."

"Yeah, the one here's pretty leisurely—if you want to call it that. Mission Beach is definitely more traditional. Surfing, bike-riding, people hanging out at the shore. Swim trunks, bikinis. All of that."

"Sounds like it'll be fun! But I'm not expecting you to fit in with the crowd, so to speak. I can't see you with swimwear on, even if it's just to sit around in the sand."

"That's not really my thing…"

Tali and I spent a while longer talking together. We kept on avoiding that specific subject, instead focusing on lighter, brighter things. The weather. The food and drinks here in the restaurant. The seas colliding against the window next to us. The sounds of Liara's shuddering complaints from the sudden movement and noise from the crashing waters, prompting laughter from Aria, Joker and the guys. The possible places to go eat dinner after the beach. The prospect of hitting up the 94 later on. The possibility of Tali and Liara spending the night at my apartment, sharing the guest room together.

Everything except the end of days before us.

We continued sweeping all that under the rug as we left the Marine Room. Liara and Tali joined Aria and me. Together we walked to my car, watching as everyone else took their own routes to get to Mission Beach. If I had enough room in my car, I would've played chauffeur for the whole group. Since I obviously didn't, only Tali and Liara got this special treatment from me. They claimed the backseat while Aria returned to the passenger's seat; I drove us along, air conditioner and music blasting, bass booming. The three of them enjoyed their loud conversation together, reveling in the whole spectacle and atmosphere of the drive.

I followed the sun down the highway, toward these other seas sparkling in the light. The drama of Mission Beach's gigantic roller coaster and Ferris wheel grew larger and larger, closer and closer. Soon the horizon became my surroundings, mired in the traffic of the rest of the cars and hoverbikes rushing to the summer shores. Already we could see this part of the city taking advantage of the day. The spacious lawns spread out groundside held groups upon groups just across from the beach. Over the grass they had their cookouts, their sports, their sunbathing. Next to those lawns, another part of the sea opened up for sailing, those sharp boats billowing in the winds.

Tali and Liara had already hurried to look out the window together. They watched in awe as I drove around, believing this was a whole tour. But I was really just trying to find a parking space. I hated coming to Mission Beach because there was never any fucking parking—on top of the horrible traffic on the way here, worse than usual. At the same time, I wanted Tali to have this 'traditional' experience in my hometown for her birthday. So I had made this exception for her, not mentioning my pet peeves.

I eventually found a space to park across the street. Stepping out to this massive, yet packed parking lot, that heat bore down on us again. I walked with Aria, Tali, and Liara to the crosswalk, ambling past the palm trees swaying in the light breeze. We passed by the usual characters I expected to find around here. The groups of families in their swimsuits and flip-flops; the larger groups of friends wearing the same, heading down to the beach, or leaving early with all their shopping bags from the touristy shops nearby; and the biker gangs driving down the street on their motorcycles. Almost all of them stared at us. They knew who we were. They especially knew who I was. I just avoided eye contact. That got harder to do once we made it to the dense crowds on the beach, past the amusement park and all those shops.

We made it to the hot pavement of the boardwalk, dashed with grains of sand everywhere. Those grains scratched and crunched under our footsteps, puncturing our conversation. The sounds of the nearby surf brushed over our words, too, and the general chatter from the beach. An endless amount of people had taken their spots over the sand, lying over their towels or standing around in groups. Aside from the ones surfing in the distance, most stayed near the shallow ends of the waters, playing around out there.

Aria and Liara decided they would go see if anyone else from the team made it here.

Tali stayed with me, letting me hold her hand.

She walked by my side as we headed down the boardwalk first. The shores and the seas stayed on our left; the varied ice cream and slushy stands lined our right side, with so many people standing in line. Anyone not in line simply walked down the pavement, or rode past us on their bikes and hoverboards. Whenever we passed by someone walking their dog, Tali fawned over the pup every time. I smiled at them, of course reminded of a certain pup from elsewhere. I hoped to see her again sometime later on.

But as Tali and I lost ourselves in this crowd, we didn't quite blend in enough.

I felt a different energy out here. So very different from the usual strangers gawking at us.

This energy felt more…familiar. Focused. Framing me in the center of a scope.

Someone was following me.

I knew better than to look around, giving away my notice.

Tali happily chirped on, "I really adore this beach. It's wonderful to see so many people around. I've read stories about Rannoch, how my people would often strut around in the hot weather, much in the same ways as everyone here. Especially the men with their shirts off. Then again, it does make me feel out of place…"

"We don't have to stay here," I offered.

"No, it's okay. I want to experience this. Even if it is a little awkward. I've sadly gotten used to it."

"I still wish you didn't have to put up with it."

"I know. I wish I didn't have to, either. But that isn't important right now."

I wondered, "Then what is?"

Tali squeezed my hand over hers. "You are. Remember what we said earlier? About having a talk."

"A real talk, you mean."

"Yes, of course. I can tell how anxious you are, Shepard. You do a very good job of hiding it. I like to think I can read you pretty well by now. Or it's more like reading your silence. You tend to go quiet in many different ways, for many different reasons. I've learned how to match your ways with your reasons."

"So you think my silence today is an anxious one?"

"Hmm, yes and no…" Tali thought about it for a moment. "Now that I'm looking closer, your silence seems to have changed. You're more focused on something. Is this your way of staying vigilant?"

How interesting that she noticed. "You could say that, yeah."

"Well, I wish you wouldn't. We're supposed to be enjoying ourselves, like you said. Can't you set that aside? Just for today. We can go back to worrying about everything tomorrow. That shock from Project Overlord completely ruined my plans for our last shore leave. I don't want anything to ruin this one."

"I understand, Tali. But now I'm wondering what these plans of yours were."

Tali laughed in a bit of mischief. "You'll find out soon enough."

Even as we kept walking, kept talking, we didn't get into the whole doom and gloom. Not like I thought we would. Again, Tali wanted to keep things at this specific brightness. So I obliged as much as I could, going along with her wishes. But once we finished exploring the boardwalk, returning where we started, Tali's mischief came right back. She left me to my own devices, claiming she wanted to check on Liara, and to see if anyone else had actually made it here. Strangely enough, Tali then skipped off toward the open showers and public restrooms across the way. She seemed very excited about something, too.

I tried not to think too much of Tali's shenanigans, instead wandering in another direction.

I soon found James hanging out by himself—or waiting for someone, more than likely. He had on a pair of swim trunks with no shirt on, his muscled, tattooed torso and neck buffed more by the sunlight. He kept looking around, expectant, but also a little lost. I couldn't imagine why he would be lost at all. He was from here, just like me. This couldn't have been his first time coming to Mission Beach. No way.

"Oh—hey, Commander," he said, noticing my approach. "Didn't think I'd run into you. Or the other way around, anyway. I was just waiting on a couple friends to show up. Met them earlier while I was out."

"James," I acknowledged. "I didn't see you at the Marine Room. Didn't expect to see you here, either."

"Yeah, I know…" Quickly avoiding the subject, James glanced at my outfit. Then he grinned, teasing me, "So you're too cool for school, huh? I'm pretty sure you're the only one here rocking leather jeans."

"You can already guess I'm not into beachwear."

"I figured as much. You really only came out for Tali, right? She said something about you taking her to Mission Beach for her birthday. The rest of the team got all excited once they heard. It's the whole classic experience, you know? Everyone who comes to our hometown wants a piece of this place."

"It's still as nice as I remember. A little overcrowded these days, but nothing out of the ordinary."

"True, true. Aside from the beach, though, there's two other mandatory places we gotta go."

"Mandatory, huh?" I asked. "What other places do you mean?"

James laughed. "C'mon, Commander! We gotta hit up the taco shop before going to the club! Fill up on some enchiladas and huevos rancheros, then roll on down to the 94. You know what I'm saying?"

I almost laughed with him. "Yeah, okay, you're not wrong about that. Those are some real classics."

"Hell yeah! So what do you say? Wanna meet up at the taco shop after this? The one right down the street from the club. There's a whole bunch of places to eat over there, too. It'd be a real honor to hang with you, Shepard. Even just for a while. Set aside the whole commander-subordinate thing for a bit."

Finally noticing how much of an outcast James was among the team, I couldn't say no.

"Works for me," I accepted. "I'll let you know once I head over that way. Closer to the evening-time."

"All right! Looking forward to seeing what's on your plate. I'm gonna bounce for now. My friends just got here. Have some fun for me today, yeah?"

"I'll see you later, Lieutenant."

James gave me a light, playful salute before jogging across the way. He met up with two women, holding both of them around their waist at the same time. One of the women had surfer gear on, carrying a longboard on her other side. The other woman only wore a red bikini. Even from this distance, I could see the similarities between them: both tall, gorgeous brunettes with athletic builds. Almost uncanny…

Pulling me out of the moment, Jack and Kasumi passed by together. Or they almost passed by—until they saw me standing here. Considering how James had teased me, I assumed I would've been hard to miss. This focus about Jack and Kasumi both, their whispering together: I had caught them off-guard.

Jack sputtered, "Oh, shit! Shepard?! What the hell are you doing here!?"

"What do you mean, what am I doing here? I thought you all knew?"

Kasumi smirked beneath her hood. "I think Jack means: what are you doing here dressed like that?"

I shrugged. "This is how I always dress outside of my Alliance uniform. Can't help it."

"Hey, I'm not complaining!" said Jack. "You look hot, Commander. Literally! I told the cheerleader months ago that you weren't my type. I might have to take it back. You're a real leather daddy."

I just stared at her, not knowing what to say.

Kasumi and Jack both cracked up at my non-reaction.

I deadpanned, "Are you two serious right now?"

Kasumi caught her breath. "Come on, Shep, you know me. When am I ever serious about anything?"

Then Jack tried to play it off, "I'm only kinda serious. Sorta. Maybe? When I look at you, it gets me thinking. I don't mean that in an obvious way. Like, I wonder about you, but I know there's boundaries or whatever between us. If we weren't doing this whole military thing, I'd want things to be different. It's totally not a relationship thing. I can't get into the thing I mean. That's all I'm saying."

"You're way too vague, Jack."

"I know, right? I'm actually proud of myself."

"That's not a good…thing."

But Jack insisted, "We're not having this fucking conversation, Shepard! No way! If I start now, you'll end up pulling the whole truth out of me. I'm not having that today! I've got plans with Kasumi, all right?"

"Okay, fine. What are you up to?"

"There's this tattoo parlor across the street. Looked legit when we scoped it out earlier. I'm gonna get some more ink. Get some others covered up—ones that don't matter to me anymore. I've gone through some shit since you got me out of that damn prison ship. I want some new tattoos to show that. Just getting started on it for now. It'll be a whole project after the mission's over. Like a treat for myself."

"Is that what you two were busy talking about—before you noticed me? Seemed serious."

Kasumi admitted, "That does contradict what I said a minute ago. You're absolutely right, though."

"Mind filling me in?" I asked. "Or is this another piece of top-secret information?" When Jack glanced around, furtive, I could already guess. "You weren't all that present earlier. During Tali's birthday party. I would've expected you to live it up more. Why were you off in a corner with Samara the whole time?"

Kicking at the sand beneath her boots, Jack sulked, "You notice way too much, you know that?"

"Jack."

"Don't Jack me! You already know the answer! You already know why! Why would you even ask?"

This scratching pain in her voice made me wonder about those new tattoos she wanted.

Yet another example of my failures. How I had never spoken to Jack enough. Really listened to her.

"Anyway, we're outta here," she said, not blaming me at all. "Kasumi's coming with me to Los Angeles later on. We'll be back in the morning, don't worry. Knock one back for me at the club tonight, will ya?"

Kasumi waved goodbye to me. "Take care, Shep. It was great seeing you out in the wild like this."

"Stay safe, you two," I told them.

"We will!"

I watched Jack and Kasumi leave down the boardwalk. They headed toward that tattoo parlor, directly across from the nearest parking lot. Once they left my sight, I considered what to do. Tali and Liara seemed like they were up to something. Aria was probably in on the scheme by now. I assumed the rest of the team needed more time to get here. So I settled on spending some time by myself. I went to one of the food stands, buying myself an Orange Julius. I enjoyed cooling off with this soft blend of orange and vanilla flavoring, sweet and smooth as a smoothie. While I had this peace, I tried not to think about tomorrow. Whatever tomorrow held, I had already told myself: the team could handle it. The team could handle this without me. Could I survive the day without them? I didn't know. I didn't know.

---

After walking past all the shops, and finishing my drink, I decided to head back to the sandy shore. But even as I passed by this outdoor strip mall of sorts, I couldn't shake this feeling. Again, this feeling of someone watching me, following me. Specifically. I still had no idea who it could've been. Only that I probably knew them. Their aura felt familiar, even if I couldn't quite place a face to it. I didn't let myself dwell on it, though. Unless the person chose to reveal themselves, I would have to keep living with this unknown. I didn't have the energy to play hide-and-seek with anyone, today of all days. So I just let it go.

Making it back to the sandy beach, I spotted someone hailing me over.

"Hey, Commander!" called Kaidan, waving his bare arms. Shirtless for the occasion, all he had on was a pair of blue swim trunks. "We're all set up over here! Wanna drop by? We've got plenty of room!"

I nodded to Kaidan, making my way over to his direction. Stepping carefully over the fine crush of the sands, I tried not to get any grains in my boots. I walked past a number of groups set up under the sun. Then I noticed Kaidan's obvious place—he had a cool tent-like setup on the beach. The whole thing shined red in the light, with an N7 symbol in the middle. Looked like a good deal of shade underneath. Topping everything off, they had a cooler set up nearby, probably packed with cans of beer.

Once I made it over, I noticed it was just him here.

"Kaidan," I said. "Where's everyone else?"

"They'll be back in a jiffy, Commander," he answered. "Joker got a little too excited to be out in the sun. He almost got a sunburn. I warned him before we came out but he wouldn't listen! He and Garrus went to grab some sunscreen. I'm guessing they'll be back soon."

"Joker didn't have his shirt off, did he?"

"He didn't, actually. Even still had his cap on, too. It was just his arms. He's gonna need some more protection before he comes back out, that's for sure. I think Tali and Liara are making their way over."

"So you've been holding down the fort since they left?"

Kaidan grinned. "Guess you could say that, yeah. There's, uh, quite a few characters at this place… Had someone come up to me a few minutes ago. I think she was flirting? She, err, called me a hunk a few times. She kept complimenting my muscles, too, asking if I work out. Told her I'm in the military, then she recognized me. Then she started asking a ton of questions about you. Things got kinda awkward once her boyfriend showed up."

"You didn't run into any trouble, did you?"

"No, no! The two of them left pretty quickly. It got me thinking, I guess…"

I noticed he sounded a little withdrawn. "Thinking about what, Kaidan?"

"About a lot, actually," he replied. "Mostly about how we don't live normal lives. We can't get the same privileges as everyone else. I don't think I ever minded before. Never really crossed my mind. Not until recently. I mean, I do get lonely, but I'm not allowed to dwell on it. Or at least that's what I tell myself. We have more important things to worry about. We have our mission. But sometimes…well, I dunno."

"I see what you mean. That person who came up to you earlier. Did you find her attractive?"

"Err, don't get me wrong, Commander. She was seriously beautiful. I'm just finding that's not enough. I used to have crushes on women all the time. Even just from the sound of their voice… A lot of that was the loneliness talking. I wanted someone to fill that deep void I used to have. I don't exactly have the same problem. I'm still lonely, but it's different these days. Plus that whole virus really shook me, and…"

I got the feeling Kaidan had been meaning to share this with me for a long time now.

But I had just never asked before today. I hadn't been present enough with him, either.

"Let's have a seat, Kaidan," I offered, gesturing to the tent.

Kaidan beamed at me, the fine brown tones of his eyes sparkling in the sun.

We sat down together under our N7-branded shade. For a moment, we simply enjoyed the view, watching the people out there enjoying the surf and the shore. Kaidan kept smiling through this quiet. He enjoyed my presence more than anything. I took stock of his own presence: so pleasant, agreeable and innocuous. He would never mean me any harm, no. I had never really taken this time to appreciate his presence, his dependability. Not beyond the mission, anyway. Of course Kaidan had always been there for me. Even back when we'd had our major disagreement, before and during Horizon. Kaidan came around in the end. And he'd stayed with us the entire time since then. So if he needed me to listen today, I could do that.

Then he said to me, "I'm glad we're taking the time to do this. All that stuff I just said—I couldn't hold it in anymore. Didn't realize it until you came by. It's been eating away at me. I could use a sanity check."

"A sanity check, huh? It's that serious?"

"Well, yes and no. Now that we're at the end, my life's sort of flashing before my eyes. And there weren't enough moments like this…with people I care about."

Why did he say it like that? "You sound like you have a lot of regrets."

"Don't get me wrong, Commander," tried Kaidan. "I'm feeling up for whatever the Collectors throw at me. Cerberus, too, on Mars tomorrow. Pretty grateful I got you to sit down for half a second and relax." There was way more he wasn't telling me. He sighed in his apprehensions. "I don't want to give you my sob story or anything. This is—I'm used to keeping it inside."

I had to keep encouraging him, "Keeping what inside, Kaidan?"

Instead of answering me right away, he reached for the cooler. Kaidan lifted the heavy lid, creaking it open. Mists from the ice wafted along the tops of the topmost cans. He pulled out a beer, flicking off the errant water from the can. And Kaidan was about to offer one to me, until he suddenly remembered—

"That's right. You're not a fan of beer. Think that's all we have… Should've brought more of a variety."

"Don't worry about it," I mentioned. "I had enough to drink earlier. I'm more concerned about you."

"Okay, I hear you. I know I'm making it sound way worse than it is." I doubted that, with the way Kaidan glanced around, so demure and diffident in his hesitations. He kept trying to downplay his situation. "It's just—you plan a career, then suddenly the world's ending and it's too late to…find someone."

"Someone?"

"You've been my leader for a long time, Shepard. Ever known me to be with anyone? Guess I'm choosy or patient or…I don't know. Maybe what I've never found—what I want—is something deeper with someone I already…care about. Except I know what I want…is pretty off-limits. So I've just been, uh…"

He couldn't possibly mean…

"Kaidan. Is there someone specific you're referring to? Someone I might know?"

He bought himself some time, drinking a few chugs of his beer.

His Adam's apple trembled as he drank. More than usual. More than it should have.

"Well, listen. You can't tell anyone this. But for a while now, I thought I had a thing for, um…Joker."

?!

Kaidan shied away from the shock in my face. "I know, I know… Just hear me out first. You've seen us around. I would always talk to Joker, always listen to him. He was having trouble with EDI rejecting him. I won't get into the details. He might decide to tell you more on his own. And then…it all kinda happened. Caring about him more. Getting attached. Hating that he would get so down sometimes. I went out of my way to make myself available for Joker. To be that shoulder for him to lean on. I'd remind him to take his meds whenever he was depressed. I've even found him in his room while he was having a hard time, and he couldn't get back up… I've turned into a real support system for him. But I've had to take a long, hard look at our friendship lately. I told myself, honestly, that he could never be more for me."

"So you never shared your feelings with him?"

"No way! Come on, Shepard, have you met Joker? He's pretty straight, you know."

"That's true," I conceded. "I meant more to get it off your chest. Even if it is one-sided."

"I don't think that's necessary… The last thing I need is for him to laugh in my face. Even if it wasn't on purpose. Then he'd probably make a bunch of jokes about it—until he realized I was serious. I could see Joker avoiding me. I don't want that for us. I'd rather not say how I felt. I'm sticking to my guns."

"I respect that, Kaidan. Your secret's safe with me."

"Thanks for listening," said Kaidan, smiling now. "I really appreciate it. Sharing this with you helped me a lot. Way more than if I'd told Joker directly. I'm happy with the two of us staying as friends. I've more or less moved on already." He drank the last of his beer, before sounding so reminiscent: "That's the story of my life, I guess. I usually fall for my polar opposite. The ones who're unattainable, maybe. I get so drawn to that thing about them—the thing I don't have—and it won't let me go. I've learned how to admire from afar. It's not my place to get any closer. I'm okay with that…for now. I found my peace."

I wasn't sure if he really meant that or not.

But I also knew it wasn't my place to ask. This was enough.

Garrus and Joker soon came over to us anyway. Much to my surprise, Joker had changed his clothes, only down to a pair of trunks like Kaidan's. He had left his SR-2 cap behind, too, the short crop of his brown hair open to the light. His shirtless torso had a few streaks of bronzed sunscreen already.

Kaidan stood up with me, exclaiming, "Joker! Is that you?! Gosh, I almost didn't recognize you!"

"Of course it's me!" said Joker. "Who else would it be? I'm the only neckbeard on this entire beach!"

"Oh, the commander's here," noted Garrus, waving to me. "Glad you could make it. I would've said I didn't recognize you, either. Except you're pretty hard to miss. You always stand out in a crowd."

Joker agreed, "I know, right? Leave it to Shepard to make a fashion statement in any weather!"

Beyond this conversation, I felt myself getting concerned. "Have you guys seen Tali and Liara? Or Aria? They went off earlier. I figured they'd be back by now."

Garrus cleared his throat. "I think they're…up to something."

"I think so, too," added Kaidan. "Liara seemed pretty nervous. Sounded like it was Tali's idea. Aria might just be along for the ride. Whatever they're up to, I'm sure we'll find out soon."

I sat down with the guys in the shade. As I kept an eye out for the ladies, Kaidan and Joker got up to something of their own. Joker couldn't reach around to his back, and so he asked Kaidan to apply that sunscreen for him. Kaidan actually laughed and went along with it. He situated himself behind Joker, rubbing the sunscreen on his back. Considering what we had just talked about, I found myself silent, clammed up. Maybe more than usual.

I wasn't sure if Garrus sensed this about me. He stayed quiet, too. It seemed to me he had something on his mind. But he would never say it out loud—not with Joker and Kaidan right next to us, speaking like:

"You know, Joker, you look great without that cap over your head. You should leave it off more often."

"What, and not have anything to hide behind when I want to cover my face? As if! That's like my armor."

"Okay, keep the hat. Now we just have to shave off that beard of yours."

"Are you crazy?! I'm keeping my hat and my beard! I'm just trying something different today, all right?"

Kaidan smiled to himself. "Well, I think it's working."

"Huh?"

"Nothing, Joker."

Once the sunscreen was done, Kaidan and Joker went out to the water. Or just close enough to the water to keep Joker from getting swept away. Without a second thought, Kaidan had wrapped his arm around Joker's shoulder, hiding his limp from anyone who might've been watching. I imagined Joker was probably self-conscious about that at a place like this. Garrus joined them, almost half-heartedly. I thought he would've stayed behind to talk to me—without the others again. But he instead left this sense of unfinished business in the air. Unspoken. I wondered if he was pissed off, or avoiding me, or both—until I noticed the real reason he decided to leave the area. Well, two reasons, actually.

Tali had finally appeared. She headed toward the shore with the guys, giving me a girlish little wave as she went. Smiling in befuddlement, I waved back to her. Then Aria followed not long afterward. She gave me a devilish smirk of her own, with such a gorgeous glint in her eye. I just stared back at her, uncertain, too many questions running through my head. I watched for a moment as Aria and Tali interacted with the guys over there. So amenable, Aria settled her hand atop Tali's head, all in a show of fondness toward her. Protesting, Tali swatted her hand away, only for Aria to laugh over her reaction.

I smiled over the exchange, even as I heard someone's footsteps approaching.

Approaching from somewhere behind the tent. I couldn't see them. Not unless I decided to stand up and look around. I listened instead. I listened to those soft steps through the sand, so meek and hesitant. Definitely a woman's footsteps. More than likely barefoot, too. I didn't believe the person meant to sneak up on me. Not at all. She had to know she couldn't surprise me. I always knew. Just as I sensed that other mysterious person continuing to watch me from a distance. They weren't the same.

No, not the same at all.

"Hello again, Shepard."

This sight of her mostly-bare skin took up my view.

I almost broke my neck from how quickly I stared up at her.

This true blue of Liara's presence surrounded me, her skin blending with the sky above. Just from how free she was. She had on a black bathing suit. Two-piece. Too sexy. And I couldn't stop staring at her. So quiet, cool, unaffected, seeing my reaction—Liara held this over me, in a way. Not in a malicious sense.

As easy as the breeze, I had no doubt stroked her ego. Already.

Liara gave me a breezy smile all the same.

Then she spoke softly, "I'm sorry for taking so long. This was…a journey for me. May I join you?"

Not knowing what to say, I patted the space beside me.

Liara gladly settled herself in this space. She draped her legs to one side, propping herself up with her arms. So very careful, she made sure to point her feet away from my legs, keeping any sand from sprinkling over my leather. She then regarded me with the same care, the same caution. This shy slant to her head, tilted down, even as the largesse of her eyes remained focused on me. And how she smiled.

I thoroughly clenched down on my back teeth. I couldn't look at her.

Rectifying the issue, Liara feathered her hand over my jaw. She gently turned my head toward her. All while she pressed her fingertips over my jutting bones. That one thing from her made me stop. But then I couldn't breathe. Not as she eased her face closer to mine. At the same time, she smoothed her palm down from my jaw. Down the length of my neck. Down to my chest. Breathing next to my ear now, Liara hummed in her observations. Her amused observations. Her not-so-humbled, ego-stroked observations.

Silken-smooth she eased her voice to my senses: "Your heart is beating so quickly, Shepard."

Too many sirens went off in my head, if only because she had caught me completely off-guard like this.

I wasn't alone in feeling this way. Off in the distance, I heard Joker suddenly screaming, "WHAT?!" so loudly that his voice cracked right in half. Moving this way and that, Aria used her height to physically block Joker from getting a look at Liara in the tent. Just next to them, Kaidan and Garrus shook their heads in exasperation. Tali got my attention, miming for me to quickly close the tent. And so I did, shutting out the sun; submerging Liara and me in the shade. While all that went on, Liara had bundled a few towels together. She set them down as makeshift pillows, then took her turn to lie down first.

Liara had her head turned to one side. From that angle, she gazed up at me in a quiet, expectant energy. All while she kept her body spread out in this enclosed space. Just that piece of black fabric propping up her breasts; the other triangled between her legs. Angling her hips to one side, Liara kept my fucking attention. The curves of her thighs, the sensual bends of her legs, the purposely pointed tips of her feet.

So quickly my heart started beating, way quicker than before. Even as I thought I kept my head still, staring at Liara staring back at me, I felt this slight vibrating. My sight moved with my hammering pulse shifting my neck and my head, ever-so-slight. Liara seemed so much closer than she actually was. Proximal. Physical. Why would she do this? Why would she go out of her way to inject these reminders in my veins? Blood rushing, heating, burning. Temptation after temptation coursed through me, everywhere.

Surrounding me more: these echoing sounds of Aria's deep laughter rang in my head, so menacing.

Those sounds locked up my limbs.

Because I knew I hadn't imagined them.

Liara smiled in a fine serenity. "Shepard, we don't need to do anything. Not like that." She reached her hand out to me. "Come here. Rest with me. Please. So much has happened… And we have yet to face the worst of what's to come. All I want is for us to have this moment together. We don't need to speak."

Obliging her wishes, I settled myself down atop these makeshift pillows. So warm in this heat, Liara stayed next to me. She reached her arm around me, blanketing; she settled her head over my chest, quickening my heartbeats all over again. Liara soon helped me relax, staying as this constant. The water's waves of the crests atop her head; the peaceful breeze of her quiet breaths, so soothing. And this heated warmth of her body, her skin kept blanketing me, relaxing more. Before I knew it, my eyes grew heavier and heavier. I lost all sense of time, letting my sight fade to black like this. I fell asleep.

Just a nap, I figured I'd enjoy. Just a simple nap with Liara resting with me. We hadn't done this in a long time. Such a long, long time…

---

Somewhere far away, I heard Liara's voice calling out to me. Ethereal. Like she was underwater. That nymph underwater, speaking in her native language. Except she wasn't. It was just my imagination.

"Shepard!" cried Liara, shaking me awake. "Shepard, wake up! You have been asleep for too long… Please, open your eyes!" That panic in her voice: "I'm going to call for help if you can't at least…"

Some in-tact part of my pride made me open my eyes.

Deadened daylight. The day's end just recently passed. A cooler temperature from the early-night. The whispers of the flowing tide outside. And this vulnerable jutting of Liara's watery eyes back and forth, back and forth as she stared at me. She had her head canted up my way. All while I kept the sweating grips of my palms over her shoulders, around her back. It didn't appear to me that Liara had tried to escape my strange sleep-induced gripping. Not at all. She only wanted me to wake up after all this time.

"Thank the goddess you're awake… Were you dreaming? Do you remember anything at all?"

"I… I don't remember anything, no. Must've been dreaming, though. Felt like I was—stuck there."

"You mean stuck in your dream?"

"Yeah," I mumbled. "Like there was some void pulling me down. Keeping me asleep. Making my dreams last for way longer than they should have. If not for that, I'm sure I would've woken up a long time ago."

"A—void?" worried Liara. "Do you mean a literal one? Or something more figurative?"

"Maybe a figurative one. I don't know. Now that I think about it, you were in my dream again. I was in some white-colored forest trying to find my way. You helped me. But that's seriously all I remember."

"How strange…"

Not wanting to suffocate her, I eased my grip. Liara watched me carefully as I sat up. I stifled a yawn, wishing I could just go back to sleep. I didn't understand why I felt this way. I hadn't needed to sleep since I woke up after the Lazarus Project. I had only ever done it since then because I felt like it. But this time felt way too different. And the last time, too, when I took a nap on the Normandy right before we dealt with Project Overlord.

Liara settled her hand over my shoulder. "Shepard, are you all right? You seem rather off. I noticed this about you a few days ago. At first, I simply ignored it, believing I was seeing things. But I can't keep telling myself that anymore. Not after what just happened. I was so terrified for you."

"I'm okay, Liara. You don't need to worry about me."

From the way she sniffled, still upset, she didn't seem to believe me. Not completely.

"Hey, come here."

I held Liara close to me. Not as tightly as I had in my sleep. A more comfortable closeness. She let her worries flow freely, wetting down the front of my shirt. Not that I minded. Not at all. I simply felt her fears as real. As if she honestly would've lost it if I hadn't woken up. She would've had a meltdown.

"Liara, talk to me," I pleaded. "What's going through your head? Why are you this upset?"

"Because…I understand what you mean now. About that void. You gripped me so hard. Like you were holding onto me for dear life. Like your dream would have swallowed you whole, were I not here. And perhaps there is some part of you that wanted it. You would cease to exist. Remember what you said?"

"Back on Thessia, I know. I remember what I told you. I just—I don't think this was intentional for me."

"Maybe not this time," she mumbled against me. "Maybe next time it will be. I have no idea. I don't want to find out, either. Please, Shepard, don't go back to sleep. Not if you can help it. I'm begging you."

"I'll do my best, Liara."

Mostly relieved, Liara sighed with her acceptance. She let me wipe away the rest of her tears. Still needing to dry her face, I took one of our towels-as-pillows in my hands. This lingering warmth from us still remained snuggled in the soft fabric. Liara smiled, letting me dry her face with this gentle warmth. Once her eyes shined as normal again, radiant in gratitude, I settled the towel around her shoulders. Even though she seemed all right now, I wanted to make sure. I really wanted to cheer her up now.

"We should get out of here," I suggested. "It's probably colder outside. Where are your clothes?"

Liara sulked, "Tali has them… She has no intentions of giving them back. Not until we spend the night at your place later on. I have no idea what she and Aria believed would happen today. Their scheming has unfortunately left me without a change of clothes. This is rather embarrassing…"

"Then we'll go get you some. The souvenir shops nearby have plenty to choose from. Let me pay for it."

"Okay. Thank you, Shepard."

After making sure Liara would be warm enough in her draping towel, we left the tent. I exited first, helping Liara up by her hand. The ethereal half-sunset, half-nighttime blanketed our surroundings. The sky held a cool mix of pitch-black blues and simmering orange hues, barely reflecting along the ocean's surface. And as Liara and I were about to leave the area, we spotted an unusual sight. Joker and Kaidan sat on the beach together some ways away. They shared another one of their quiet, intense conversations—about what, I couldn't guess. Liara hummed, pondering over the scene. I remembered my earlier talk with Kaidan, wondering about him. But the two of us quietly left before they could notice. Or at least before Joker could cause a scene over Liara's two-piece underneath her towel.

At this hour, with the sun mostly gone, most of the beachgoers had migrated away from the sands. They now congregated in the outdoor strip mall area, just by the amusement park lit up at night. As we headed over that way, Liara seemed kind of anxious about the crowds. She held onto my arm nearest hers. Especially once we made it past the divider between the sands and the concrete of the boardwalk. Then again, she felt more worried about me than she was about herself. This character to her grip around me. She didn't want to let me go. Not until she knew for certain that I would be all right.

Passing through the mall, all these colorful lights and loud conversations surrounded us. Anxieties mostly dissolved, Liara stared out at the view in wonder. The air conditioner from the arcade practically blew right outside, laser tag lights and gaming machines glowing as a fever dream. Back outside, a bunch of go-karts zipped around on a winding track, the sounds of laughter echoing well up to the sky. Smells of different food wafted through the air—all sorts of cooked foods you'd find at a fair on Earth, mostly grilled hot dogs and fresh, salted pretzels warming the night. Liara subtly glanced at a few people walking by with those foods, cluing me in that she might've been hungry. And the roller coaster cascaded down an impossible nosedive, heavy machinery crinkling over the tracks carrying the ride's passengers. They all screamed for their adrenaline-filled lives up there. Liara couldn't stand the sight, hiding behind me. So no roller coaster rides for us. Not that I wanted to, anyway. Maybe Aria would've wanted to try it.

Far more peaceful, the Ferris wheel rotated as the largest attraction, shining in the brightest blues and reds. The wheel went about at an easier pace than the roller coaster, keeping Liara's attention as we walked by. I humored a ride on that Ferris wheel for us instead. Seemed fitting.

In the souvenir shop, I brought Liara to the clothing section. We passed by a bunch of knick-knacks for sale—coffee mugs, shot glasses, necklaces, and plenty of other touristy stuff with California and San Diego on them. Among the clothes, Liara chose something simple. A white T-shirt with California written in blue, some regular jeans, and plain white shoes. I bought them for her, earning Liara's thanks, before guiding her over to the dressing rooms. I promised to stay right outside while she put on her new outfit.

Liara kept her eye on me as she disappeared behind the door.

Though I was surprised to find another familiar face in this store.

Samara browsed some of the knick-knacks nearby. She leafed through one of the pamphlets about the city, reading about the restaurants, museums, and other sites my hometown was famous for. She lit up in serenity once I went over to her.

"Good evening, Shepard," greeted Samara. "I did not expect to find you here. Nearly everyone else who visited the beach today has already departed elsewhere. They mentioned eating dinner together."

"Yeah, I figured. Liara and I spent a bunch of time outside. I'll take her out to eat after this."

Samara smiled. "That is wise. I am glad to see you looking out for her."

I suddenly remembered—I had promised James I would meet up with him. At the taco shop by the 94. I'd have to send him an email, letting him know Liara would be with me. I already knew she wouldn't want to leave my side. Hopefully James wouldn't mind. Even though I knew he wanted it to be just us.

"What else were you doing here?" I asked Samara. "Keeping an eye on everyone?"

"Yes, I suppose I was," she replied. "There will always be possible dangers in letting loose. I imagine the team will want to make up for their interruptions at Dark Goddess before. They may choose to overcorrect things. But it is not my place to scold anyone for their rightful decisions. They all deserve to let their hair down, so to speak. Today of all days especially—now that we are so close to the end."

"That's true…"

Samara spotted the real truth about me. "Shepard. How are you doing? Truly. Please be honest."

"When you say it like that, I think you already know."

"Perhaps I do. You stayed asleep overlong on the beach. I believe Liara still worries for you. Had she called for assistance, I would have made my way to you. I hoped she could resolve the situation on her own. Had I appeared, Joker and the others would've gotten involved. I did not want them to find out."

"I understand. Liara was able to wake me up. I just don't get why it happened in the first place."

"Your situation is quite unique, Commander. When you dream, you no longer return to Insomnia, as the rest of us do. It is more likely your dreams bring you to the void beyond death. The very same I mentioned during our final discussion about Morinth. You should not be able to reach that realm. For some reason, your dreaming is so deep, so intense, that you somehow make the journey. Your return, however, will not always be successful. I would also advise you to avoid sleeping whenever possible."

That sounded pretty damn bleak.

"Yeah, I'll try not to…"

Samara gave me an encouraging smile.

Liara emerged from the dressing room in her new outfit, ready to go.

"Hello, Samara," she said, returning to my side. "What a welcome surprise. Were you here all day?"

"Ever since we left the Marine Room, yes. This experience on Earth has been very intriguing. Not many humans know about justicars. So I have enjoyed a certain anonymity today. I am making the most of it."

Liara laughed a little. "I see what you mean. Do you have any plans for the evening, then?"

"I intended to continue keeping an eye on the commander. She is aware there was someone following her earlier. The culprit has since given up their chase. I believe I am now free to explore elsewhere."

"Someone was…following her?"

Startled over the news, Liara looked to me.

"I did notice that," I explained. "Didn't get the chance to see who it was. Do you know, Samara?"

"It was Miranda." Of course. "She has since returned to the Normandy during your extended stay on the beach, out of her view. I have a strong feeling she has given up for the night. You need not worry."

"Good to know. Can't say I'm surprised."

"No, certainly not."

The three of us spoke for a bit longer before going our separate ways. Samara went off to try one of the Thessian-inspired restaurants in the area. Liara stayed by my side, letting me hold her hand as we went.

We made our way to that Ferris wheel together. Skipping the line from this special treatment, Liara and I boarded one of the gondolas. She gave me some more leg room by sitting next to me, instead of across. For now, we had this roadside view of the area. A bit of anticipation brimmed through our enclosed space. Liara leaned against my shoulder, seeming like she wanted to say something. Desperately so.

"What is it?" I asked her.

Liara said nothing for the time being.

She waited until the giant wheel began to turn, taking us upward.

She sighed over the unexpected ease we moved at. More of a pleasant acceleration than the roller coaster next door. Slow and steady, the wheel brought us higher over the ground, up to the night above. At first, Liara gazed out to the view. She soaked the moment in, making this memory with me. I gave her the moment, and another moment, and another moment longer. Even as I started to worry myself.

"Shepard," she whispered after a while. "I am sorry for going quiet. The magnitude of our situation has just now reached me. There is still a part of me that doesn't want to acknowledge this. I hoped to treat tomorrow like any other day. I came close to doing this…until earlier. I don't enjoy feeling like this."

"Feeling like what, exactly?"

"Like I could lose you at any time."

I couldn't deny the abject pain in her voice, however subdued.

I felt there was nothing I could say to make this better. To help her set this aside somehow.

"I am also getting flashbacks," she continued on. "Do you remember Ilos? After we spoke to Vigil, you were in shock. You could not believe what we had just heard. Neither could I. Then, when Wrex crashed the Mako for the second time, we had no way to reach the Conduit. You ran off before any of us could notice. You pressed onward with the mission…without us. And you reached the Citadel on your own."

"I remember you were pretty mad at me."

Liara didn't want to grumble over it. "You did the one thing I had been begging you not to do. Yes, it was for the mission. You succeeded against Sovereign. I should have been so proud of you. But I spent that entire time in my own silence. I felt so…powerless. Just as I do now. I don't know what I would do if…"

"I know," I said, holding her closer. "I never forgot what you told me back then. Maybe that's the reason why I keep dreaming about you. Why you're always the one pulling me back out. I think it's a sign."

"Then keep holding on to me this way, Shepard. That is all I ask."

"I promise I will."

Liara accepted my promise, settling into me for the rest of the ride. Even though we wouldn't talk about this again—not tonight—her intentions lingered between us. How she absolutely, positively needed me to keep this promise of mine. I knew Liara would continue keeping an eye on me. I knew she would keep extending my promise in this way, making sure nothing happened to me. I appreciated how much she wanted to do this. I loved how much she cared about me. I only hoped I could live up to my word.

---

After enjoying the Ferris wheel, I drove Liara to our next destination for the night. She sat in the passenger's seat this time. I held Liara's hand as I drove, noticing how she basked in the novelty of all this. We were on our way to the red light district surrounding the 94, packed with a bunch of bars, restaurants, and several other 'nightlife venues.' I had already contacted James, letting him know Liara would be with me. He had written back, "The more the merrier!" but I wasn't too sure if he meant that or not. Meanwhile, Aria and Tali were with the guys at one of the sports bars in the area. There was apparently some baseball game on tonight. I knew Tali and Aria didn't care about the game. Tali was just there to eat; and Aria wanted a cold drink. We agreed to meet up at the club within the next hour or so.

I just had the weirdest feeling about meeting up with James.

Liara had been stone quiet this whole time. When I told her about this outing, she had given such a cold expression. It really wasn't like her. I figured James had done something, and Liara refused to tell me what it was. I could only find out directly from him. So I braced myself for a possible confrontation.

We met up with James at the taco shop, right around the corner from the 94. The faint beats from the club's insane bass throttled through to this building, just distant enough to sound continually in the background. Joining as one, the golden streetlights blazed across the night outside, filtering in here. Liara and I found James eclipsed by that light, just like the tables and the seats and the other people around. He had been browsing the menu up above the main counter, in view of the cooks in the back. A particularly pungent smell of spices filled the area, punctured by the sounds of frying and conversation.

James found us not too far from the front counter.

"Whaddup, Shepard!" he said, offering his hand. "Can't believe I seriously got you to come out!"

"James." I clapped my hand in his, reaching around to his back as he did mine. "Good to see you. Saw you looking at the menu. Find anything you want to order yet?"

"Yeah, everything! Trying to narrow it down, though. Can't eat too much before the big day tomorrow." Too cautious, James glanced at Liara with me. "Uhh, hey there, Doc. L-Liara, I mean. How's it hangin'?"

Liara gave him a very tepid, "Good evening," and nothing else.

James noticed my notice, and did his best to lighten the mood: "Well, err, I'm kinda surprised to see you like this. Wearing regular clothes, I mean. You had that whole scientist look down, you know?" Such a cold silence from Liara. "…you ready to try out some Mexican food? How 'bout something real spicy? They make some killer nachos with crazy hot picante sauce and guacamole. Think you can handle it?"

"I cannot handle anything spicy. I will have to pass."

"Oh… Do asari not eat spicy food? Is that not a thing back on Thessia?"

Pretending not to have heard him, Liara went to the front counter, getting a better look at the colorful menu up above.

James cringed. "Ah, shit…"

I pretended not to see anything—for now. "I'll help Liara pick something out. Could you get us a table?"

"Yeah…sure thing."

He skulked away, inevitably sensing the talk we would need to have soon.

I went over to Liara's side, asking her, "Find anything you want yet?"

"I am not sure where to look," she admitted. "Since you said this is a 'taco shop,' I expected to only find tacos. I am rather overwhelmed by all the different foods. How will I know if something is spicy or not?"

"Well, if the description has some kind of peppers in it, it's going to be hot. Anything that says habanera is ridiculously spicy. I'm guessing if you eat it, your mouth will probably end up on fire—or worse."

Liara fretted, "A number of these selections have peppers in them… Is there anything mild?"

"Yeah, jalapeños are relatively mild. But if you can't handle anything spicy, I still can't recommend those. What's technically mild might actually be too much for you. Maybe we shouldn't risk it."

"Are all Mexican foods spicy?"

"Not all of them," I explained. "It's about the condiments. Most of the actual food itself is pretty plain. The salsas and the other sauces make everything pop. I planned on getting something with meat in it this time. The meat's seasoned, but it doesn't have all those spices. Does that sound all right to you?"

"Yes, it does. What is the name of the dish? Is it up here on the menu?"

"It's the carne asada fries. Carne asada just means 'fried meat.' The whole thing together is French fries mixed with sliced, fried beef. It says it comes with sour cream and guacamole. We don't have to get any of that. The fries and the meat will be more than enough."

Liara smiled over the image. "Okay. Let's try it. Thank you for your recommendations, Shepard."

After ordering the fries, I brought our plate over to the table. James sat on one side, watching as Liara and I sat down across from him. He then went off to order his own food. Taking this chance, Liara used her fork to try the food. I thought she would stop to react, to say something. But she kept getting more, quickly adoring the salted fluff of the French fries mixed with the textured seasoning of the beef. She only stopped to smile in approval, making sure I ate something. I took my turn, glad that I could share this with her. I never expected to have this kind of day with Liara. But things turned out pretty well.

Once James came back, he brought those huevos rancheros with him—the same he'd mentioned back on the beach. At first he busied himself with eating, with watching the vid screen up on the wall. That baseball game played out on the screen. Looked like the Netherlands against Singapore this time.

"You into the game, Commander?" asked James.

"It's not my thing," I replied.

"Oh, for real? I remember meeting you at the Super Bowl that time… Not into football, either?"

"I was only there for you-know-who. Joker and Kaidan are into baseball. You talk to them about it?"

"I tried talking to them about it… Well—the game that's on now. Singapore's giving the Netherlands a run for their money. But I'd bet anything we'll see the Dutch folks heading to the World Series this year. It's supposed to be in Peru. Guessing that's gonna be the last 'normal' event before everything goes to shit. Think I'll head down with my homeboys. Gotta live it up while we still can, you know?"

"I'm sure Joker and Kaidan want to go," I pointed out. "Why don't you ask them?"

More or less defeated, James stared down at his half-eaten food. "Because, Commander—whenever I try, it doesn't work out. It just won't happen. I try to hang with the fellas, you know. I crack some jokes, I tell some stories. In the end, all I ever get is that, 'Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Vega' response. Apparently I keep rubbing them the wrong way. Same goes for the rest of the 'original team'. Case in point…"

Enjoying our shared food, Liara again acted like she hadn't heard him.

"Why do you think that is?" I asked. "Did something happen? Did you get into an argument?"

A sudden memory appeared to flash before James' eyes.

He remembered something, all right. But he wouldn't tell me what it was.

"No wonder," he mumbled instead. "He blabbed. He fucking told on me! How else did they know?!"

"How else did they know what, James?"

James couldn't make himself say the words. Yet he also knew there was no avoiding this.

Liara conveniently excused herself at this time, heading toward the restrooms across the way.

I couldn't take it anymore. "So do you mind explaining what the problem is? What's going on?"

"I'm the black sheep of the team, that's what. The old man Zaeed talks to me, 'cause we work together in the armory. Kasumi and Jack put up with me from time to time. But that's it, Shepard. That's literally it. The whole thing started getting to me. A few weeks back, I said a bunch of shit I wasn't supposed to. Looks like it backfired on me big time. Tali, Garrus, and Liara won't talk to me. They won't look at me."

"Then tell me what happened. What did you say?"

"It's not so much what I said. It's what I did, too. I called Garrus out, see. He's got a huge crush on Tali. I wanted to ask if he was jealous of you. Didn't really come out that way. He got pissed and yelled at me."

That explained why Garrus had been acting so weird around me lately.

"Sounds like a regular misunderstanding," I accepted. "He'll get over it. Give him some time."

James grimaced in pain. "That's not the only thing I did, though."

"Okay. What else is there?"

"I might've…checked Tali out once or twice. More than that, actually. She kinda noticed and, uh…I kept doing it anyway. I-I made her uncomfortable—I know I did—but I couldn't stop myself. She's just so—you know. But some of the other crew checked me on that. They warned me not to go anywhere near her. I was just so desperate for the team to like me, to finally fit in, I was gonna go for it anyway."

That did piss me off…but I still had to know: "What happened to no fraternizing? I thought that was your personal rule? Besides, you know Tali's gay, right?"

"I do know she's a lesbian… I didn't care, though. I wanted to change her mind. Even just for one night."

I stopped mid-raise of my fork to my mouth.

Frozen.

Completely still.

The baseball game. The people chatting at their tables. The ones ordering their food at the front. The passersby passing by outside in the night. All of it stopped for me. Stasis. Silence. An escalating crisis.

James gaped at me in an open-mouthed horror.

I had my sidearm concealed over my hip. I could have grabbed it. I could have put my food down, grabbed my sidearm, and aimed it at him. Right at his head. I could have shot him dead. An abuse of power on my part. But the crime of making Tali feel anything close to discomfort, and the level of disrespect toward her… I had this taste of blood in my mouth. And I couldn't get rid of it. Not for as long as James continued to sit there. Sitting there, looking at me; staring at me in such fear. All while his life flashed before his eyes.

Just a few days ago, I had been beating myself up, blaming myself for not interacting with James more.

I had blamed myself, convinced we would lose him during the final assault.

But now—

James knew he had crossed the line.

I refused to forgive his reductive bullshit.

"…I'll go get my stuff, Commander."

"You do that, Lieutenant."

No words about how it had been an honor to serve me. No wasted time saluting me, apologizing to me.

James collected his unfinished food and left. He left the building. And I would likely never see him again.

By the time Liara came back, she wasn't surprised to find me alone. She understood without a word. Wordless still, we finished eating our meal together. We enjoyed this peace and quiet while we could.

---

Like turning back time, going back to the 94 after so long felt bittersweet. I had always enjoyed this place before. The golden, watery movement of the tall, digital display along the front wall; and the anticipation of the bass thundering out to here, priming me for the experience inside. Not to mention the promise of my perch up top—my private VIP space up on the club's roof. I only remembered when I was because I had Liara with me. Even then it seemed difficult not to dissociate my place in the world.

I could never get used to all these people recognizing me, either. Military people, most of them.

Especially once we made it through the front doors. A bunch of enlisted grunts, still green around the ears, hung out together downstairs. They took up space on the couches there on the main floor, loudmouthed and drinking as one giant group. I imagined all the officers were upstairs, as usual. I stayed downstairs with Liara for now, heading over to the bar. I ordered her a glass of Thessian wine—diluted a little—and a moscato for myself. We sat and talked for a while, waiting for Aria and Tali to meet us here.

It didn't take long for them to show up. They came over and joined us at the bar.

"Look who it is," teased Aria, sitting next to me. "Feels like we haven't seen you all day. I wonder why."

Tali sat on Liara's other side. "Yes, I'm wondering the same. This day feels like it's never going to end."

"I wish it wouldn't," mused Liara, before sipping more of her wine. "This does feel a bit surreal. Almost as if we are in another dimension. Things didn't feel this way back on Thessia. It is different this time."

"Is that good or bad?" I asked.

"I haven't decided yet. Though I would not mind if we never found an answer. The pressures of tomorrow have mysteriously faded away…"

Ordering a light drink for Tali, and some Noverian rum for Aria, I considered telling them about James. Maybe Tali would've at least wanted to know. She would've wanted to learn that James had left the team, left the mission. I wondered why she hadn't told me about that drama herself. But I supposed she wanted me to figure it out on my own. Now that I had, though, I saw no reason to explain the details myself. Especially once Tali noticed something unusual about Liara, poking and prodding her for answers. Liara just mumbled something about explaining the details later. But Tali wanted to know now. They shared a quiet back-and-forth about it, clearly not wanting me to overhear anything.

Meanwhile, Aria enjoyed her rum next to me, eyeing my moscato in amusement.

"So do you not like other alcohol?" she wondered. "Always wines and champagnes for you, is it?"

"I don't like anything hard," I replied, also eyeing her Noverian rum. "I just like the sweetness."

"You do realize how that sounds, don't you?"

I laughed a bit. "Are you saying I'm weak?"

"Not in the slightest," said Aria with a smile. "I actually enjoy how consistent you are. I know what to expect. It's…a nice feeling, that's all."

"Does this have anything to do with the beach? With Liara?"

"Maybe, maybe not," she hinted. "I didn't believe you were going to fuck her or anything. It was just for a bit of fun. That little game of mine also played into today's theme. The theme I'm going for, anyway."

"And which theme is that, babe?"

"The theme of you spending time with the rest of our teammates. I don't want to dominate your time."

I hadn't expected that from her. "Where's this coming from?"

Rather sullen all of a sudden, Aria glanced away from me. She thought over her words with great care.

Drinking more rum first, she then explained, "I've watched you over these past couple of weeks. More so than I usually do. You have your regrets. About not being there enough for the team. I don't want to get in the way of that." There seemed to be a lot more to this story. "Shepard, don't give me that look."

"Sorry," I offered. "I just get the feeling you're not telling me everything."

"No, babe, I'm not. We'll talk about it later, all right? This isn't the time or the place."

"Okay. If that's what you want."

Aria finished the rest of her drink, needing a moment to herself. While she did that, Tali and Liara decided to leave the bar. They must've assumed I wanted to spend some time with Aria now. So they waved goodbye to me, heading upstairs, presumably to go sit with Kaidan and the others. Liara did linger a bit longer. She couldn't get that incident out of her mind. I gave her a reassuring smile. She accepted my reassurance. Then she linked her arm through Tali's, heading up the nearby stairs with her.

Defying those assumptions, Aria took her turn to stand up now.

"I think I'll take a look around," she declared. "I'd like to jot down some notes about this place. For Afterlife. This club is quite nice, so there must be something I can learn."

"The owners know me," I said. "I'm sure they'd be happy to meet you personally."

"Sounds wonderful. I'll go introduce myself, then. Come find me when you're ready to leave."

Loving, adoring, Aria draped her arms around my shoulders. She gave me the same with her lips, pressing her lined luster over my forehead. This dark haze of her eyes—she glanced me over, making sure I was all right. Making sure I would be fine on my own. Satisfied enough, Aria kissed me as her territory once more, before setting off. She crossed through this main floor, heading to one of the heavily-guarded doors that read 'Staff Only.' Recognizing her, the guards let Aria through right away.

Not too far away, I spotted a group of familiar faces. Mordin, Zaeed, and Javik all sat together on one of the couches. Zaeed and Mordin laughed together over drinks, while Javik had his head canted back, looking like he'd had a little too much to drink again. After finishing my own drink, I went over to them.

Zaeed spotted me first. "Well if it ain't Commander Shepard! Come on over and sit down for a while."

"Good to see you," I replied, sitting next to Mordin. "Enjoying the club so far?"

"Yeah, it's solid. Crowd's a little younger than I'd like. They're all having the time of their fucking lives, though. Can't really complain."

"Agreed," noted Mordin. "Not used to throngs of visitors at clubs. High energy. Loud music. Louder voices. Overheard numerous instances of oversharing from active duty military members. Unpleasant, but easy to laugh about later. Constant smell of alcohol. Different atmosphere to Dark Goddess. More subdued on Thessia. Can see appeal of both locations. Golds work well for hometown. Very pleasing."

On the other side of the couch, Javik mumbled in what I assumed was agreement.

Zaeed went on, "Didn't know what to expect, coming to your hometown another time. Had this image in my head that all you California people were a bunch of goddamn hippies. Glad you proved me wrong."

"Yeah, we get that a lot," I mentioned. "What else is going on with you, Zaeed? Did you work things out with your girlfriend? I saw her with you the last time we went out."

"All good, Shepard," he said, grinning. "Somehow managed to work things out. Buried the hatchet. Got it out of our systems. Still got more work to do, but we made a decent start. Dunno if I'm gonna do the whole Dad thing. After we blast the Collectors to hell, I'll have a lot to think about. Not right now."

I couldn't really picture it. "Hard to imagine you settling down, Zaeed."

"Hard for me to imagine, too. I always hated this fucking prison we call 'living.' Never knew what to do with myself. Figured I'd earn a bunch of credits, buy myself a nice ship full of explosives, then off myself by Omega. Easiest retirement plan I ever came up with. Then all this shit happened. Changed my plans."

I had no idea how to respond to that.

Zaeed burst out laughing. "My girlfriend gave me that same look when I told her. She called me a goddamn maniac! It's nothing new to her, though. She knows what she's signing up for with me. Again."

"I just want to know you'll be all right, Zaeed."

"I'll be more than all right, Shepard. Count on it. Got plenty of motivation to make it out of this alive. It's something I never had before. Only got through my jobs in the past because I'm a stubborn fucking mule. That son of a bitch is still with me. Those demons or whatever you wanna call it. Learned to live with them—instead of letting them rule me. Best thing I ever learned on this mission. Good times."

"Happy to hear it," I approved. "What about you, Mordin? How's it going?"

"Interesting times," answered Mordin. "Not used to 'letting loose.' Never did before. Didn't bother with alcohol, other forms of social bonding. Always glued to projects. Last outing proved need to set barriers down, forget for a while. Drank too much. Sang loudly in CIC for whole team. Fell asleep on lab table. Awoke with horrible headache. Consequences raged out of control! Practicing moderation this time."

"Yeah, I wasn't expecting you to sing a whole Broadway number the way you did…"

"Missing context as well. Explained musical background to Jack, Liara, Aria before. Aria disapproved. Told me not to sing. Imagine displeasure when Scientist Salarian began ringing out after drama with sudden virus. Not pleased. Not pleased. Unending condemnation. But—entertaining in hindsight."

"I guess so."

"Ah, also remembered! Wanted to talk. Medical matters."

"Medical matters?" I wondered. "What do you mean?"

"Aware that mission is dangerous," continued Mordin. "Different species react differently to stress. Sexual activity normal stress release for humans and asari. Suggest caution. Emotionally unstable biotics dangerous during intercourse. Aria's violent predisposition also source of concern. Recall ease of injury after Jack's accidental biotic charge on Purgatory. Ended up in coma. True glass cannon as infiltrator."

"You're…concerned? Fine, Aria's violent. But how would you even know she's emotionally unstable?"

"Know Aria from Omega. Have seen Pirate Queen's façade up-close. Fragile persona. Insecure. Low self-esteem. Employs violence as means to cover up vulnerability. Anger is secondary emotion. Other emotions—fear, uncertainty, loss of control—simple to hide through rage. Simple to hide; easy to tear away. With experience, of course. Used to this as doctor. Not psychologist, but have other means."

For some reason, it bothered me that Mordin could see Aria's flaws so openly.

He should have been able to. It made perfect sense. I just didn't understand why this got to me.

Mordin saw my struggles. "Reaction understandable, Shepard. Psychological journey between you and Aria part of relationship. Supposed 'deviancy' beyond scope of own research, own understanding. Can't recommend sexual positions or forms of play. But have witnessed Aria's emotional hesitancy from afar. Have limited understanding of power dynamics in BDSM scene. Unclear when Aria will accept need to rely on you—mentally, emotionally. Give and take. Your power, her vulnerability. Exchange of trust."

"Honestly, I'm surprised you noticed all of that on your own."

"Yes, rather surprising. Many curious differences between vanilla and non-vanilla relationships. Some spill out into open—unintentionally. Fascinating to observe. But—not as prying! Don't mean to suggest observations as meddlesome. Purely respectful of points of view. Would never dream of mockery."

"I appreciate that, Mordin. Thanks for your advice. I'll keep it in mind."

"Of course!" said Mordin with a smile. "Enjoy your evening, Shepard. Savor last moments while we can."

He and Zaeed went back to their conversation, laughing together as before.

I noticed Javik still looked pretty removed from the scene. Even though he sat right next to them.

So I went to sit next to him this time, asking, "Javik? You get enough to drink?"

"No, Commander," he said, drinking a bit more. "There is always time for one more drink. And another. And perhaps another. I learned this lesson well during my previous life. In my cycle, misery and death were all we could expect. I found solace in one of your human sayings. It is very similar to our Prothean one. Except now, I cannot recall the exact words. Do you know which I mean? It is about death and…"

"Something, something—the only certainties in life are death and taxes."

Javik grinned. "Yes, that one. It is beautifully defeatist and realistic. My people would have approved."

"Do you miss them?"

"…I don't know. To 'miss' implies certain emotions. Nostalgia. Longing. Sadness. I do not feel nostalgic for the past. I do not long for our failed empire. I am not sad over their deaths. I realize I must carry on their legacy as I am. This never occurred to me before. Not until recently. I now feel the pressure."

"What changed? Why did you realize these things?"

"Because of you, Commander," said Javik, so matter-of-fact. "You have opened my eyes to the current cycle. I once believed our mission was pointless. Futile. We would fight the Collectors, and then the Reapers, only to fall in the end. But you have left behind that weak human who once protected you before. I understand there is hope for you with your queen, with her superior strength. And now that there is hope, I know not what to do with it. In my cycle, there was no such thing. It did not exist."

I puzzled, "So you're drinking now…because you feel hopeful about the future? About us winning?"

"Yes. It sounds trivial, I know. But that is not the only reason why I continue to drink."

"Okay, lay it on me. What else is on your mind, Javik?"

"I have been—watching you," he started, oddly ominous. "I can assume your reactions to me. Unlike the others, I have been less open, less willing to speak. It is simpler for me to give brutal opinions than it is for me to make genuine connections. Our working relationship is a contentious one."

"You could say that," I allowed.

Javik almost laughed. "Your famous diplomacy cannot change the facts. I will take responsibility for this—animosity between us. I am used to being in charge. I am not used to having such a strong leader. Especially one who refuses to accept insubordination. Still, I would not change a thing. I am…proud to serve someone like you. You are the commander I always wished to be. I think I…envy you in this way."

That did explain a lot. "You don't have to envy me, you know. I'm only doing my job."

"Your humility amuses me. But I should not consume your time tonight. Not with my blabbering. There are others who likely require your attention. I have noticed much about them as well."

"What've you noticed, exactly?"

"There is certain…unusual, unexpected behavior. With the two Alliance men present upstairs. The whiny one and the bearded pervert. They appear to be…growing closer this evening. More so than usual."

That couldn't have been right…

"Thanks for the tip, Javik," I said anyway. "I'll see if I can find them."

"Yes, you should. However, before you leave, allow me to apologize once more. One last time."

"Apologize for what?"

"About our animosity," he replied, torn-up over the issue. "I have also noticed the way you look at me, Commander. It is unintentional on your part. There is an anger about you. One that is unrelated to me directly, as an individual. Nonetheless, your rage stems from the very roots of who you are, what you stand for. I am born of a people who subjugated others. Before my time, our empire spanned the known galaxy. And, from time to time, I see it. An ancestral anger deep in your eyes. Entirely subconscious."

…

"This silence from you. The flavor of it. The texture. It is one I anticipated. Your relationship with power intrigues me. From what I have observed, you refuse to put up with the imperfections and inconveniences of others. Yet you also have a profound need to protect the weak from oppression. You live to serve your people…at a distance. Far enough away where they cannot judge you, where you cannot judge them. Preferably while you are invisible to all. Yet your deepest desires remain impossible. Surely you will grow to resent the ones you serve—if you have not done so already. Not even you can escape their perceptions. They will always have an opinion about you. Isn't this inevitable?"

As insightful as all of that sounded—I really didn't want to get into this.

Not tonight. Not now. Not while I wasn't mentally prepared. Not while hiding behind double negatives.

So I stood up and said, "We'll talk about this another time, Javik."

Javik slumped in his seat, sounding sad. "Yes, Commander. As you wish. Your authority is eminent…"

---

After that last talk, I decided to wander upstairs. Something of what Javik said had struck a nerve in me. Almost everything he'd said, really. I went up the black-coated stairwell, the moving lights of gold along the walls barely fazing me. I had my eyes fixed on my omni-tool. This strange feeling had overtaken me. Not only had Javik's observations distracted me, but this other sense also came through. This sense that I should've gone to find Aria sooner. That I should've used my omni-tool to at least call her. I didn't want to seem overbearing. But I also didn't want to ignore this feeling. Like she really missed me right now.

I missed her, too.

Even though I knew exactly where she was, rubbing shoulders with the club's owners.

This disconnection between us continued to linger. Aria wanted to seem so cool, calm and collected. She wanted to appear as if she had everything together. Around other people, around me; or only to herself in the mirror. If even Mordin had clocked her insecurities, there must've been others who noticed, too. I wondered if Aria feared that prospect. The idea of being unmasked by the people around us—by our team. She must've set those fears aside, enough to hang out with Tali and the others today, which I did appreciate. But she was only fooling herself if she thought I didn't notice. I noticed everything about her.

Bringing the issue up directly didn't seem wise. I feared she would take my notice as a personal attack.

Sitting on the issue, sweeping it under the rug. That didn't sit right with me, either…

Yet I suddenly found a distraction waiting for me.

I didn't have to decide on an answer.

Not once I got upstairs to this other lounge area.

Not once I found another one of my teammates in such an unexpected way.

Not once I found EDI extending her arm out to me, holding a glass of pink alcohol. Pink, effervescent. Champagne? She just stuck out the glass to me. Inelegant. Completely deadpan in her expression.

I frowned in such a confused anxiety, asking her, "EDI…is this drink for me?"

"Yes," she replied. "I purchased this alcoholic beverage for you. After running a number of simulations, I concluded you would enjoy this one in particular."

"Err, thanks," I said, accepting the drink. "Is this champagne? Rosé champagne."

"Correct. It is substantially sweeter than the wines you prefer. I was uncertain if you would mind the pink coloration. However, you prefer alcohol that is sweet. This was the sweetest option I could locate."

Well, it was sweet of her to do this for me. Socially awkward and all.

I offered, "Then how about we have a seat? We can talk while I drink this."

EDI smiled in her gratitude, following me to a free table in the corner.

I sat on one side, and she sat adjacent to me. We had a decent view of the area up here. We had an even better view of the main floor down below. Sipping this sweetness, I enjoyed this bird's eye up above that floor. Countless people dancing, sitting at the couches, entering and exiting the club—all beneath the golden, digital renaissance of the lighting and effects. The sheer volume of the music would've made it difficult to speak normally. But maybe that was why EDI sat this close to me. Maybe. She had a lot on her mind, the lights catching those thoughts past the orange ring over her eyes.

EDI also hadn't moved her eyes from me this whole time.

I watched her watching me sip this rosé.

"EDI, what's up?" I asked, weirded out now. "What's going on with you? You're staring at me."

"I apologize, Shepard," she said, still staring anyway. "I was contemplating. Today's objective involves setting the mission aside. We must enjoy ourselves. We must speak our minds and be our genuine selves. Otherwise, we could have regrets as we leave for the Collector homeworld. I am finding it extraordinarily difficult to achieve this objective. There is much I wish to say and do. And yet I cannot."

"Why can't you? What's getting in the way?"

EDI seemed to have an internal malfunction. "I do not understand the purpose of your questions."

"EDI, I'm trying to help you get to the bottom of this. I can tell you're struggling."

"I fear exploratory solutions will only make matters worse. If you do not mind, I would rather not discuss myself. My personal struggles run contrary to our objective today. I do not wish to sour the mood."

"Well now you're just making me worry."

EDI smiled sadly. "That is kind of you. However, I must once again request that we change the subject."

"Okay, if you insist. Are you…liking the 94 so far?"

"Yes. This environment and the city at large are aesthetically pleasing. My programming normally does not assign values to lighting, architecture, or music. I have made an exception for your place of birth. I believe it helps me to better comprehend who you are as a person. It has 'opened my eyes' even more."

"I'm glad you like the city, too. It's always been home to me."

EDI then asked, so innocent, "Isn't Lieutenant Vega also from this location?"

I hadn't prepared for this talk with anyone.

I thought I would just let it quietly blow over.

But it did make sense to at least let EDI know. Liara already knew. No other announcements necessary.

"Yeah, about that," I began. "There's something I need to tell you."

I went ahead and told her the whole story. Everything that James said before. How he left. All of it.

EDI listened in a quiet, seething anger.

And once I finished, she confirmed for me, "I'm afraid I can corroborate the lieutenant's story. I did overhear an argument between him and Garrus, some time before our second visit to the Migrant Fleet. Tali was within earshot, but hidden away. Garrus did not tell her or Liara the details of said argument."

"So Tali happened to overhear. Then she told Liara what happened. James kept checking her out."

"I could also sense Tali's discomfort. But I could not adequately gauge the lieutenant's intentions. I am troubled to learn that he wished to 'change' Tali's mind. He did not respect her personal boundaries. He merely did not wish to upset you, or encroach upon your 'territory.' Is this behavior common among organics? To only abstain from pursuing sexual interests out of respect for nebulous power structures?"

"I don't know how common it is, but it does piss me off. This isn't the first time he's done this, either."

EDI deduced, "This is why he knew to leave the mission. Without a direct order from you."

"He could see in my eyes that I wanted to kill him. I'd say it was a combination of both."

"Yes, I agree. Thank you for handling the issue, Shepard. I can sadly relate to the idea of someone attempting to change my mind, if not in the same ways. Or just not respecting boundaries in general. James never made any direct passes at me. Even though I sensed his constant desire to do so. It was distracting, and a deterrent for my morale. The team will not feel strongly either way over his absence."

"Wait a minute," I said. "You can relate? How? Is this about Joker again?"

No answer from her.

"EDI. Seriously, what's the matter? Any time we get anywhere near this subject, you clam up."

She at least threw me a bone—"It is not about Jeff again. Not directly."

"Then what's it about?" I asked.

"It is—complicated," replied EDI, shifting in her seat. Out of nerves. "When we spoke on Kahje, you helped me conclude that synthetics could actually have sexual orientations. Since our conversation, I have explored this hypothesis further, and found it to be true for myself. I attempted to explain my stance to Jeff, but he was unable to comprehend me. The copious amounts of alcohol he consumed at Dark Goddess prevented him from understanding. He was focused on himself, asking numerous times why I continued to reject him. My rejections have apparently had a negative impact on his psyche."

"Well, let me ask this first. Are you worried Joker will end up doing something stupid? Reckless?"

"I am not worried. I know for a fact that he has already done so."

"Really?"

"Jeff has not noticed Kaidan's affections toward him. However, the two of them have grown extremely close. They escaped into the men's room once they arrived to the 94. They had already been drinking during their time at the beach, and their outing at the sports bar. I do not know for certain if Jeff and Kaidan are preoccupied in the restroom. But they have yet to emerge. Pressures are high to take risks right before our final assault on the Collectors. I fear they will regret their decision in the morning."

I could not wrap my head around this.

Yeah, I got that Joker and Kaidan were both lonely. But this…?

Maybe they were just…talking. In the bathroom. Going on two hours now.

EDI sounded perfectly calm, "I believe they are attempting to forget for a while. We should let them."

"I guess so," I agreed, burying my plans to go check on those two. "Back to what you said earlier. About your sexual orientation. What did you figure out? Or do you not want to tell me?"

Another awkward shift in her seat. "I'm sorry. I would still rather not discuss the issue."

"Oh…all right. I understand."

Throwing me off more, EDI stood up, gently taking the empty glass from my hand.

"I should return to the Normandy. I would like to oversee a few final repairs to our systems. The ship will be fully operational in the morning. We will return for you swiftly once our business on Mars is concluded. Please enjoy the rest of your evening."

"Good night, EDI."

EDI caught my imbalance. She tried to placate me with a smile. Then she left for the night.

I hadn't realized everyone on my team had so many concerns. Personal worries. Their own complicated situations. I still didn't know if I was equipped to handle all of that. Although I didn't mind talking with them every now and then. If we couldn't get that deep, I wondered—what was the point? Was I supposed to just continue keeping my distance, and let Liara bring this change in direction on her own?

Walking around some more, I considered retreating to my private VIP spot on the roof. My perch. I hadn't been there since the last time I was here—with a certain soldier. I didn't want to remember her, though. I didn't want to re-experience the time we'd spent there. Not right now. Not at a time like this.

Such strange timing—I spotted Tali and Liara sitting on a couch together. They had the area to themselves. No one else around. Yet they still sat close, closely. Closer than close, they had their legs curled up on the couch, perched there as they spoke quietly. They whispered to each other in a heated gossip. So heated, they didn't even notice me approaching them. Only when they glanced to the hallway leading to the restrooms did they spot me. Tali and Liara both jumped in a sudden fright, breathing hard.

"Shepard!" cried Tali over the music. "Keelah, you have got to stop doing this! You frightened us!"

Liara placed her hand over her chest. "Goddess, Shepard, you know we frighten easily… Why didn't you speak up?"

I curled my lips into my mouth, trying not to laugh.

This never got old to me for some reason. Especially since I never did it on purpose.

"Sorry," I still said. "What are you two doing by yourself? Where are the guys?"

Liara and Tali exchanged looks.

They seemed to speak in some sort of code, separate from me.

I waited patiently, letting them do what they needed to do. It was better if they assumed I didn't know.

Then Liara settled on saying, "Kaidan and Joker left down the hall some time ago. They said they would be back. After a while, Garrus went to go check on them. Now he has yet to return. It doesn't seem like they will be back any time soon, if at all. Needless to say, we are concerned. This is all very strange."

Didn't look like I'd get the chance to speak with Garrus one-on-one today. Or Joker.

More than that, Tali and Liara seemed incredibly engrossed by this saga. The vibes they gave off—they acted like they actually wanted me to leave them be. Like I was interrupting their gossip. Nothing malicious at all. They were just that caught up in these juicy, scandalous details, they didn't know what to do with themselves. I still felt like their priorities were way, way off. Like, I was standing right here.

So I went to sit on the other end of the couch instead.

"Okay, fine," I told them. "You don't want me around. Go ahead and get back to your gossip, then."

Tali and Liara exchanged looks again.

They quickly backtracked on their priorities. Because soon, they grinned at each other, then stood up. They came over to me this time. Tali sat on my left, and Liara on my right. They moved my respective arms around their shoulders, relaxing against me. I definitely couldn't complain about this closeness, so particular. Not with Tali giggling in my ear like this; and not with Liara palming my chest, thinking about our time on the beach earlier. I knew they had that one thing on their minds. Maybe with all three of us.

From the sweet somethings they whispered to me all night, they'd forgotten all about that other gossip.

---

Sometime after midnight, we met up with Aria to leave the club. I drove us back to my apartment, gliding through this perfect temperature at night. Equally soothing, Aria regaled us with her tales from backstage, so to speak. Liara and Tali chimed in with their curiosities, asking if Aria would change up this or that back at Afterlife now. Proud of her work and her craft, Aria gladly answered their questions. She let me hold her hand again. I wasn't sure if she noticed my own questions laced through our fingers.

While I drove, I remembered my concerns from earlier. Aria's distance. This disconnection between us. I recoiled from the idea of bringing up the issue tonight, of all nights. But this had been an ongoing problem for a while now. I knew the issue wouldn't magically resolve itself. This really felt like something we needed to face head-on. Just not tonight. I could not, would not get into an argument with my girlfriend on the night before the suicide mission. That seriously seemed like—suicide.

As we pulled up to my apartment, I decided to leave things alone for the time being.

I didn't want to risk upsetting Aria; ruining her focus instead. If she didn't have to suffer, then I found I could put up with a lot. Even something like this that had been bothering me for a while. Since the start of our relationship. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be this self-sacrificing. I wanted us to be so much closer.

Arriving to my place, the calming voice from my VI greeted me, "Welcome home, Commander Shepard."

The blinds over my windows opened this time, in that slow succession. The endless expanse of the nighttime horizon shined in as our only lights. Liara and Tali wandered over to those sights, gazing out the window in awe. Aria stayed behind with me. She also stared out to those gold lights hazing up to the skies as a gleaming mist. Seeing this reflection in her eyes… I wanted to hold her. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to get down on my knees and beg her to be more present with me. I wanted to give her all the city's golds if it would make her understand. But I held back what I really wanted to say and do. Instead, I just let her know she was free to take another shower in my room. Eternally grateful, Aria took me up on my offer. She stroked my jaw in playfulness, giving me an adoring look, before heading down the hall.

I went over to Tali and Liara, telling them, "The guest room's all yours. Help yourself to the food in the kitchen if you get hungry. I went shopping for dextro-based meals a while back. I made sure to label them in the forever-freezer. If you can't sleep, feel free to watch TV in here. This is your home, too."

Tali gave me a warm hug. "Thank you, Shepard. That means everything to me."

"To me as well," said Liara, embracing me, too. "We appreciate your hospitality. How will we return to the Alliance base in the morning?"

"I'll see you off. We'll take the monorail. It'll be simpler than sitting in that morning commute traffic."

I spent a bit longer with them in the guest room, making sure they had everything. Linking over their holo-closets to the one here. Setting alarms for the correct time in the morning. Ensuring they didn't mind sharing the one bed in here. All of that. Once they were settled, I left to my own bedroom.

As I walked down the hall, though, I didn't hear the water running in the bathroom.

Had Aria only taken a quick shower?

I found the answer waiting for me as soon as I walked through the door.

Aria lounged over my bed. Facing me. Wearing absolutely nothing. Model-esque, she kept her head propped up by her hand. Violet smooth: her freshly-moisturized skin glistened and glowed in gold and shadow, in violet and dark, in bright and naught. Those lights and shadows showed in peaks and valleys, shaped as her body, curved in her dancer's perfections. And always, that smirk on her face. So confident.

Like she had planned for this specific reaction from me. She got exactly what she wanted in the end.

"So," she said. "Are you going to take a shower, too? It's been a long day."

"I should take one, yes," I replied.

"Do you plan on washing your hair? I know it takes you a while to straighten it again."

"Not this time… I'll do that while you're away on the mission. While I'm home alone."

"Good," approved Aria. "You go ahead, then, babe. I'll be right here. Don't keep me waiting too long."

In the bathroom, I practically rushed through my shower. Yet I had to remember to pace myself. I did my best to sense Aria's intentions while I did this. Part of me didn't believe she was serious—about having sex tonight. Ever since our night at Dark Goddess, we'd had sex in her room on the ship. Every single night. After making sure the crew had fallen asleep first. I didn't want any repeats of the past with people listening in. As time went on, it became more and more difficult to do that. To restrain, to limit myself to having Aria only at certain times of the day. I could've taken her up to my private cabin as a workaround. I'd never been ready for all that before. Now I was. Now I had Aria in my bed at home. Except I knew, somehow, she had no intentions of letting me touch her tonight. And I didn't know why.

I returned to my bedroom in my usual sleeveless tank top, my usual boxer briefs.

So unusual, Aria had slipped beneath the sheets, the comforter already. Covering herself up that way.

I went around to the other side. Situating myself closer to the door, always. Sitting over the bed, unintentionally on my knees, I stared down at her. Aggrieved. Almost hidden beneath the covers, Aria stared up at me. She had this muted expression about her. All as this continuation. This continuation of what she had told me earlier, at the 94. That disclaimer she had given—of what she needed to say now.

"Shepard, you know what I'm going to say. Don't you?"

"Tell me anyway. I want to know."

"Listen to me carefully," she requested. "If we have sex tonight, I can already tell… It'll feel like a final goodbye. Like we don't actually believe we'll make it back alive. That isn't what I want for us."

I had listened, even as my heart carefully tore itself in two.

"Okay, Aria… I'll respect your wishes."

Aria saw how her wishes had affected me. That pain in her eyes… But she wouldn't say anything more. All she did was pull me down to her. She had us lie down like this. Next to each other but separate. Proximal but distant. Right up against one another, and yet too far away.

Somehow, someway, Aria quickly fell asleep. She fell asleep as I stayed awake. She fell into her quiet, deep breathing. Listening, still listening, I knew I couldn't join her. I remembered Liara's warnings, Samara's warnings for me to not fall asleep. The last thing I needed was Aria panicking in the morning if I wouldn't wake up. Less physically exhausted, more so emotionally. I could stay awake this time.

Perfectly awake, I stared up at the ceiling. Only the faintest sounds from the city reached us here. Mostly police sirens blaring somewhere, only for a few seconds, before they vanished. I found I didn't want to police Aria's choices, her actions. When we first got together, I did tell her I understood. That she didn't have to be affectionate with me if she didn't want to. What I hadn't expected was this psychological chasm between us. How emotionally, I could feel Aria calling out to me all the time, and yet she chose to quash it, suffocate it. Even the appearance of desperation was too much for her.

Not meaning to at all, Aria turned around in her sleep at that moment. She faced away from me, the slope of her shoulder rising up and down with her still-deep, still-asleep breathing.

Listening down the hall, I couldn't hear the vid screen on or anything. No shuffling of Tali or Liara's footsteps in the kitchen, the living room. They must've gone to bed by now.

I remembered I hadn't spoken with Dr. Chakwas today. Or Legion. They were probably still on the ship. I felt like I needed to apologize to Legion, especially, for my outburst before, about the IFF. I shouldn't have lost my temper. In the end, our friendship meant more to me than that. I needed to act like it.

Besides, I also recalled the Illusive Man's warnings from our last meeting:

"I would simply advise you to handle any last minute business before Mars."

This definitely seemed like last minute business to me.

So I got out of bed, going over to my holo-closer to get dressed. Then I went in the bathroom, freshening up a bit—not that I really needed to. More out of habit. Once I was ready, I walked over to the bed, to this side Aria slept on. I thought about leaning down to kiss her. Kissing her forehead would've been easiest. But the way we existed, it made more sense for her to do that to me. Not the other way around.

I didn't want to possibly disturb her, either.

But just as I was about to leave, I stopped.

This sudden grab from Aria's hand over my wrist. She snatched my wrist in her hold, painfully. So hard that her hand trembled over mine. That trembling from her nearly cut off my blood circulation. Hard-edged in her stare, Aria gripped me more with her eyes. Barely-veiled fear quivered her irises.

"Where are you going?" she asked, more than lucid. As if she'd been perfectly awake this whole time.

"Back to the ship," I answered. "I was going to take a look around. Maybe talk to Legion and Dr. Chakwas. I didn't want to wake you." Aria closed her eyes, briefly, letting my answer sink in. She had yet to relax her grip over my wrist. "Stay here. Keep an eye on Liara and Tali. They're asleep in their room—"

Aria pulled at my arm. She yanked me down by my wrist, back down to the bed. Fully-dressed in my clothes, she situated me over my back. The moment I tried to protest, asking what was going on, Aria wouldn't let me. She mouthed her lips over mine, pressing down and down and down, compressing. Aria locked her body, her mouth over me, and she refused to let go. She refused to let me go anywhere.

We stayed at this all night through the dawn. Through to my alarm going off for the morning. Not once did Aria change her tempo, change her tune. The power of her passion belied so much more. Nearly every time she tongued my tongue, I felt her deepest emotions. How her racing heartbeats rang out these vestiges, these vibrations through her. I tasted them, swallowed; breathed them in all night long.

Only at the last possible minute did Aria stop. She stopped with the sunlight, with my alarm. She left to the bathroom and got dressed, getting prepared for the day. Still in my clothes from before, I spread out on the bed, breathing hard. Heart fluttering, soaring, I felt more than rejuvenated for the day. I couldn't possibly lose my focus for the mission. Not after the night Aria gave me. I imagined she felt the same.

Once we left home, I needed to make a detour first. We took the elevator downstairs to the lobby. The nearest post office held my mail while I was deployed. But I had asked for my mail to get delivered here, just for these couple of days. While Aria, Liara, and Tali spoke together, I retrieved my mail, finding something unusual. A small square box. No return address. Seemed strange. I decided to open it later.

We then left the lobby, heading down the street to the metro station. I accompanied them back to the Alliance base in Coronado. The whole time, I kept wondering about this box. I had placed it in my pocket for now. But my curiosity almost got the better of me. I figured I'd open the box much sooner than later. Ideally after I dropped off Aria, Tali, and Liara at the base. Maybe I'd head over to the mall, spending a couple of hours there. I missed the palatial mall at Fashion Valley. Looked like the perfect day to spend out there. Not too hot, not too dry. I could pass the time there until my team returned for me.

As we made it back to the Normandy's private docking bay, we found everyone else outside, talking among themselves. Zaeed caught up with Kasumi and Jack after their trip to Los Angeles last night. EDI, Samara, and Legion chatted together—and Legion looked at me directly, seeming to ask if we were all right. I gave an encouraging nod, hoping we could speak later on. Tali and Liara went over to Garrus, Kaidan, and Joker, asking what the hell happened last night. The guys had nothing to say, merely glancing around in an abundance of nerves. Aria observed them in a deep suspicion. Mordin surveyed Javik, making sure he was okay after his night of drinking. Javik seemed fine enough.

Last but not least, Miranda hovered around inside the ship, on the bridge. She glanced out here on occasion, her eyes focused on me and me alone. I didn't know whether to acknowledge her or not. Not after she'd stalked me at the beach yesterday.

Zaeed noticed something off about the guys. He ribbed them, joking, "So you three must've found yourselves some nice girls last night. You did, didn't you? C'mon, you can tell us what happened."

Kaidan, Joker, and Garrus all looked like they'd just seen a ghost.

Not noticing the same, Jack scolded Zaeed, "Cut it out, grandpa! You're fucking creepy, you know that?"

"Creepy? Who's being creepy?! The boys didn't make it back 'til like four in the morning. Now they won't say a goddamn word to no one. Fuck me for wondering what's going on, yeah?"

Aria wondered the same, but she returned her attention to me anyway.

"Aside from those three acting so…strange," she observed. "I think everyone else is just fine. Mars shouldn't pose a significant problem for us. We'll be back before you know it."

"Sounds good, babe. I trust your judgment. Help keep an eye on the Normandy…all right?"

Aria gave me a look of surprise, yet she still said, "I will—if that's what you want. You can count on me."

So gentle, so unexpected, Aria sealed this promise of hers over my lips. Everyone's conversations briefly stopped. They stopped and stared. They stared at this reddened reaction of mine, not having prepared for this at all. Yet all of that soon fell away. This gift from her: Aria felt to me as an endless expanse. Perpetually growing. Never fully knowable. Every time we did this, I fell for her more and more. Falling through this expanse of her with no end in sight, no possible or probable end anywhere. Not as a freefall. The complete opposite of that void threatening me before. Aria supported me. I trusted her as I trusted her judgment. And I adored the look she gave me once she pulled away. This uncertainty, hidden between us, only for me to see. She glanced down, and then met my eyes—briefly—before looking away. She was trying. Her efforts meant the world to me.

As for everyone else, they didn't need another pep talk. They had found their own inspiration from moments ago, as that looking glass into Aria and me both. They boarded the ship in high spirits—most of them, at least. I found that I had full faith in everyone. I also realized no one had asked where James was. No one had noticed his absence. Letting him go seemed to be the best decision after all.

I made sure to clap Joker over his back, hoping to get him into shape. I needed him to get the Normandy back in one piece, after all. Snapping out of his strangeness, Joker gave me a clear, crisp regard from beneath his cap, focused for the mission again. Still on the bridge, too, Miranda had yet to look away from me. Another type of uncertainty in her gaze, mixed with an unusual resolve, mingled and lingered there in her stare. That mix in her eyes burned themselves onto mine, even once the airlock closed shut.

Stepping back along the docking bay, I watched as Joker started up the Normandy. Soon the ship departed from the base. Flying off past the kinetic barriers, off toward the sun, my ship departed without me, fully out of my hands. All I could do was wish the team a safe trip. A safe mission on Mars.

I left the Alliance base with a heavy heart. Returning to the monorail, I fought off this temptation to stay. To stay and sit at the docking bay, waiting for the team to return. That seemed silly, though. I stuck to my original plans, taking the monorail to the mall in Fashion Valley instead.

White palaces of the stores spread across this outdoor mall. Open plazas, palm trees standing tall, and a decent number of shoppers out and about already. I passed by all the people walking around with their shopping bags, wondering where to go first. I humored the idea of catching a vid at the theater. But that box I'd received in the mail kept calling out to me. I looked around for a place to sit instead. Soon I found a nice spot in the chilled shade, not too far from the pristine order of the food court. The calming blue of the cloudless sky comforted me from up above. With the heat of the rising sun mostly obscured behind the mall's buildings, I could enjoy this relative cool for a while.

I used my omni-tool to scan the tiny box first. Nothing came up. Nothing dangerous. Nothing about the mysterious sender, either. So I went ahead and opened it.

Inside the box, I found three items. Three special items bundled together.

Three rings.

A matching pair of silver-colored bands, crafted of the same powerful, durable material.

And a violet diamond ring, glimmering in an impressive shine and size. A wedding ring…?

Scanning the rings directly this time, I found some information. My omni-tool picked up on faint traces of residue over the otherwise-spotless materials. These traces came from France. Specifically from Normandy, the coastal northern region of France. This violet diamond ring also appeared quite old. Someone had cleaned it recently, yet these pieces of residue remained. Seemed like a family heirloom.

A family heirloom passed down from generations. Over two centuries of generations.

On the inside of the silver band, I spotted a few words engraved in a cursive font.

In French, the words read: 'Sur le fil', which translated to, 'on the wire'. Like walking on a tightrope. Keeping that balance no matter what, no matter how stressful everything seemed. This also could have meant 'under the wire.' Down to the wire. Getting something done at the last possible second. Just in the nick of time. Without any other context, I wasn't sure which meaning the ring meant to express. Which of the two possible meanings was it? Or was it meant to be both?

The longer I spent looking at this ring, admiring this diamond, the more connected I felt.

This couldn't have been a coincidence.

I placed the rings around my dog tags for safekeeping. Chaining my tags back around my neck, I placed them down my shirt again, this time with these rings. Feeling this violet diamond over my heart, especially, I couldn't help my reactions. How I thought of Aria. How I couldn't stop thinking about her.

I knew it was way too soon for anything like this.

I knew that. One hundred percent.

But why couldn't I stop picturing myself proposing to her?

The image consumed me.

Fantasizing and fantasizing. I could've spent this whole time imagining, picturing, wholly consumed.

Snapping me out of this trance, my omni-tool went off. Alarms blaring. Blaring interspersed over an irregular beeping sound. That familiar green from Project Overlord digitized around my omni-tool. Then it quickly switched to a Cerberus logo. That elongated shape hovered over my alarm's emergency red.

Snarling, I jabbed at my omni-tool, trying to stop this. Trying to stop it, whatever the hell this was.

I only managed to analyze the bizarre beeping, finding out:

"Cerberus is broadcasting my location…? To who?!"

Sudden size crowded the clear blue sky.

That familiar fucking cruiser—that Collector cruiser loomed overhead, nearing this way. Hell-bent on finding me. Again. All the people in the crowd screamed in terror, the cacophony growing louder and louder by the second. Shopping bags flying, children crying, everyone rushing and rushing to the exits. This madhouse around me…and all I could do was sit in place. I stared up at that Collector ship, this building rage stinging at my eyes. Because I knew I couldn't cloak and hide. I knew I couldn't run. If I hid, if I ran away, the Collectors would've torn up this city, this country, this entire world to find me. All while harvesting as many innocent people as they could. It was either me or them. I had made up my mind.

Taking this time I could've used to escape:

Hands trembling in fury, in helplessness, I accessed my omni-tool one last time.

Taking my time, taking it all in as that Collector ship drew closer.

I found my will again. My will with no one written in it.

I wrote down the only name I could. The only one who had my heart; who would always be with me. Forevermore.

And then I closed my omni-tool, accepting my fate. Accepting the consequences of my choices. Accepting responsibility for Cerberus taking me for a fool: I walked toward the danger. I walked right toward that ship. I walked directly into the end. I flew right into the sun, my wings dissolving from the heat of my defeat. I gripped the rings over my chain, beneath my shirt, defiant in my rage. This violent, violet rage over Cerberus and the Collectors robbing me of everything, of all my hopes and dreams.

Exactly as I should've predicted they would.