Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

67. Suicide Mission

"What the Future Holds" from Mass Effect 2: Atmospheric / "Suicide Mission" from Mass Effect 2

LXVII. Suicide Mission

(Shepard)

Safe within the comforts of my private cabin, I spent this time alone. I took this time to myself. I drank some water; ate some food I had stored away in my mini-refrigerator. I hadn't eaten since yesterday, at that taco shop with Liara. Normally, I could've gone this long without eating. But not after everything that had happened. This nourishment felt as a finally, helping me appreciate my comforts here. Then I peeled off these sweat-drenched, partially-ripped clothes I had on, before taking a warm shower. This relief at getting that whole drama's residue off of me—exactly what I needed. Washing this away helped me clear my head. I could think clearly again. With this clarity, I solidified my stances even more.

I needed to speak with everyone soon. Everyone on my team. Everyone still left alive.

I needed to decide who to bring with me. And the ones to leave behind on the ship: the ones I couldn't risk bringing with us. I should have already known who to bring. I should've had a solid idea of who could handle this type of pressure, and who couldn't. But the chaos from earlier had thrown everything off. All those calculations no longer made sense. I could only work with whatever I had in front of me.

After my shower, and after sorting out my hair, I put on my uniform. My faithful Alliance blues. I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom, making sure I did this right. I only stopped for a short moment. Just long enough to hold onto my dog tags. The rings I still had hanging from my chain. I found myself already growing attached to them. I knew they weren't really lucky charms, but they might as well have been.

Smoothing down the front of my uniform, readying, I left my room for the elevator.

I decided to head down to the engineering deck first. I would make my way up through the Normandy, speaking with everyone deck by deck. But as I exited the elevator, arriving in the hall overlooking the cargo hold, I remembered something. After the Collectors had abducted me, they somehow put me to sleep. The only reason I had woken up when I did was because of Aria. Because of what she'd said to me. Those three words I'd never expected her to say. I almost didn't know how to react now. These emotions warmed me, and confused me at the same time. Yet the confusion had nothing to do with Aria herself. Just this fear from the past. This reluctance to say the words back. Because each time I had said them, and thought I'd meant them, the sentiment seemed so easy to get rid of with logic, with reason.

I didn't like that I could reason myself out of love, no matter how compelling the reasons.

I didn't like that I'd had to do it so many times. I didn't get the point. I didn't understand why.

I hated that all of this had come up now of all times.

So by the time I reached Aria's room, my knocks against her door sounded less comfortable than usual. Her door unlocked for me anyway, the red of that lock shifting to the green of her permission. The door opened for me, welcoming me inside.

Absolute bliss radiated from Aria from where she lay over her bed. Dressed and ready to go, she only had her boots off, freely lounging in comfort. She'd shuttered her windows. Too proximal to the Collector base as we remained; I imagined she didn't want to relax with that particular view outside. Even still, that didn't seem to matter to her too much. Aria had locked her eyes to me. Locking in softness, locking in comfort. Our comfort. The comfort I couldn't quite share at the moment, leaning back against her door in uncertainty. I could barely look at her. Not because I didn't want to. Something of Aria's beauty felt far more pronounced. Just from the way she gazed at me. Such serenity in splendor.

Aria beckoned me near, the leather of her fingerless glove holding the slender movements of her hand.

"Come here, babe. You're too far away."

I wandered over to her, this uncertainty brimming in me. An uncertainty I shouldn't have had right now.

I sat down over Aria's bed. I kept my back to her. Listening to my emotions, I did my best not to shun them. I listened, and I felt, and I stayed present in this moment. This moment of Aria's shifting weight; her movements rustling atop her bedding; her body nearing mine. This surge of love rose through me, even before I felt Aria against my back. The surge rushed harder, more overwhelming, once Aria did rest her front over me. She leaned into me, hooking her arms around my shoulders, gently locking us together. And in such a calm, carefree way. Like the tension and stakes outside this room didn't matter.

Such an understated joy brimmed from her as she rocked us back and forth. She made me smile a bit.

Especially once the dark heat of her voice slipped into my ear: "Why are you so shy now? Talk to me."

"I don't know… You've got me feeling some type of way, that's all."

Aria laughed a little over that turn of phrase. "And what type of way do you mean?"

"I'm supposed to be focused for the mission. But there's something about you. You seem different."

"I wouldn't say I'm different," she murmured, rather mischievous. "This is what I've always wanted to give you. I couldn't go through with it before. I suppose I was too proud. But my pride would've cost me too much if we'd lost you. We're alone right now. I don't need any of that when it's just you and me."

My own pride wouldn't let go. "We do still need to talk about the mission."

"No, we don't. You know exactly where my head's at. Do we really need to talk for you to get it?"

Perfectly focused.

Perfectly secure in herself.

More so once Aria eased me back with her. She lay over her back with her ease, with her focus. She brought me over her, resting my head over this comfort of her chest, her plated breasts. This growing warmth from her made her armor feel as her skin unobstructed, exuding the same love she had spoken to me before. Protecting me from myself, Aria somehow got me to relax. She breathed in-sync with me.

And she did want us to speak, but not about the mission.

"Shepard, I know I've been rather…severe. Cold. Emotionally distant. You never confronted me, either. Perhaps you wanted to. You chose to keep it inside. I realized how selfless you are for doing that. Even though you didn't have to. I'm not the least bit religious. But your patience is truly a blessing for me."

"I'm glad you feel that way," I shared, honestly relieved. "I just never wanted to make a big deal out of it. I've always wanted you to be yourself. I'm not trying to change you. If you never wanted to be warm like this, then I would've accepted it. I don't want you to feel like you have to fit into some box for me."

Aria stroked my hair in delight, preening. "How interesting. People would always take my coldness as a personal offense. Like some sign that they aren't actually worthy of me. And so they would choose to lash out. I'm very much used to feeling like I'm at war in my relationships. You know I love a good fight. But there's nothing satisfying about those types of battles. I never felt like I could actually win."

"Aria, there's nothing to win with me. As long as you're safe and happy, I don't care about the rest."

"Funny how you say that now," she said, sounding so pleased. "Are you not bringing me along, then?"

"Of course I'm bringing you with us. I just mean with everything else. With us, specifically. I've always wanted to have this mindset in a relationship. I could never trust that the other person wouldn't take advantage of me. Or that they wouldn't take me for granted. Maybe I'm way too accommodating."

Aria hummed in wonder. "Do you have those worries with me?"

"I don't. I'm not afraid of anything with you. But it does make things more difficult today. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to make a wrong decision. Everything's riding on the choices I have left to make."

We had just said we wouldn't talk about the mission.

Then again, these confessions of mine had slipped out. I hadn't been aware of them until now.

Full of understanding, Aria asked me, "Are you afraid you'll let everyone down?"

"Yes…"

"Well, then, let me gently remind you how we made it here. It's because of you. We wouldn't have gotten out of that situation with the Illusive Man if not for you. Your instincts are what brought you this far. I see no reason why you can't keep relying on them. Do what works best for you, babe. This is it."

Aria sealed my confidence with this press of her lips over my head. So comforting. She brought my face to hers, giving me this taste even more, soothing and serious for the moment. Not too fanciful so as to ignore what awaited us. But just grounded enough to thread this certainty back in me. So perfect in tone and in spirit. Aria gave me everything I needed. Known and unknown. Real and unreal. Tangible and not, reaching to a place in me I never knew existed. She opened this plane with her own confidence, with how much she believed in me. All as this exquisite closeness I had always wanted with her. This exact fit.

By the time I left her room, Aria had fully patched me up. I moved forward, replenished and renewed.

Back out in the hallway, I stared across to the port cargo room.

If Javik were still here, I would've gone to speak with him next. Our last conversation from back at the 94 would forever remain unfinished. Just when I was finally starting to get to know him.

I made my way to the engine room instead. The pulsing loudness of the drive core hummed through this space like always. I found Tali and Legion at work, doing their best to get the Normandy back up and running. Legion stayed at the centermost panel, its back to the drive core across the way. Tali worked at a separate station, frantic as she coordinated with Joker and Garrus over the comms. She stopped for a moment, noticing me. I held up my hand, and walked toward Legion first, giving Tali some time to wrap things up before our conversation. She nodded to me in thanks, doing what she needed to do.

Legion turned to face me out of respect. "Shepard-Commander."

"Legion," I replied. "How's it going? You okay?"

"Yes. We are…relieved to see you return. The Illusive Man failed to dispose of you. The Collectors were unable to carry out his wishes. We failed to predict how Cerberus would use the Reaper IFF as leverage over the team. We apologize for our inaccurate assessments. Our errors nearly led to your demise."

"It's not your fault. I'm sorry I lost my patience with you before. You couldn't have predicted any of this would happen. I wanted to talk to you about it yesterday. I just didn't get the chance to find you."

"We chose not to leave Normandy. We continued assisting EDI with system repairs."

"Yeah, I noticed you weren't at Tali's birthday party. Were you avoiding her, too?"

Legion lowered its head, listening as Tali kept speaking with Garrus and Joker, unable to overhear us.

"We…regret not attending Creator Tali'Zorah's celebrations. We wished to be present for the event. We had also prepared a gift for the occasion. But we concluded Creator Tali'Zorah would reject our gift. The probability of this outcome also outweighed the chance of a neutral reaction. We were discouraged."

"I understand… I only hope you'll consider giving the gift to Tali someday. I'm sure you put a lot of thought into it, whatever it is. You never know—Tali might actually notice and show her appreciation."

"Yes, we will consider it," accepted Legion. "This stands as positive reinforcement for us. Possibly improving relations with Creator Tali'Zorah has also improved our mission morale. We are grateful."

"Sounds to me like you're ready to go. There's nothing left holding you back, is there?"

"We are fully prepared to assist Shepard-Commander against the Collectors."

"Good," I praised. "You and I have come a long way from playing video games online together. You've always been a great friend to me, Legion. I want you to join us for the mission. Do everything you can to make it back safely. I'll be guiding you. But I also expect you to be at your best. I have faith in you."

Legion promised, "We will give one hundred percent to the final assault. Shepard-Commander…thank you."

"Thank you, too, Legion. I'll see you later in the comm room."

While Legion returned to work, Tali finished wrapping up her own. She hurried off toward the drive core. Knowing she wanted me to follow her, I headed toward that loudened noise, still soothing. Soothing in this promise of the Normandy still running, still willing to get us out of here at the right time. So it only made sense that I would speak with Tali alone, closer to this promise. She seemed to trust that the Normandy would be just fine. She didn't open with any discussion about the ship. Instead, she focused on me.

Emotional, still frantic—Tali grabbed hold of my left arm. She used a program in her omni-tool to scrub mine clean. I hadn't told anyone how Cerberus and the Collectors had managed to track me. But Tali already knew. I went ahead and let her do this. I watched this relief flood through her, watching those readings from our omni-tools reflecting against the opacity of her mask. The urgency of her grip against my arm relaxed and loosened as the minutes passed. Eventually, she sighed in a much-delayed reprieve.

"Am I all clean now?" I asked her.

"Yes…you'll be fine."

Relaxing even more, Tali pressed her head against my chest. She draped her arms around my back in comfort. Not in a frantic, emotional panic. Just this peace. Just this certainty between us. Even in her calm comforts, Tali did hold onto me as if she never wanted to let go. I couldn't fault her for it. I couldn't automatically assume her focus had faltered for the mission. In fact, I sensed the opposite about her. Right away, I knew. I knew Tali had the strength, the determination to come with us. Even as I wrangled with my own disappointment, I accepted this. This disappointment, this faulty assumption I had made. That I could possibly leave Tali to stay on the ship, having figured she couldn't go on. If anything, I would have expected it to be her. I had expected Tali to be among the ones not joining us. I'd assumed wrong.

Tali hummed in discovery. "What's this reaction from you, Shepard? Why has your breathing changed?"

Holding her close, I smoothed my hand down the textured patterns over Tali's suit, not wanting to say.

"Did you honestly expect me to be unfocused?"

"Maybe."

Tali actually sounded amused. "Well, I don't blame you. I was a mess after we found out you were gone… But we all got back on track. We found you. You're here now. That's all I need. I'm all right."

"I wouldn't have been surprised if I had to ask you to stay on the ship. Out of everyone…you know."

"I do know, yes," she allowed. "And even after getting abducted, you're still thinking about my safety over your own. I'll be fine, Shepard. Even if I have to prove myself, that's what I'm willing to do. This is too important for me to sit out. I want to help in any way I can. You can protect me after the mission."

"Okay, Tali. I won't hold you back. For now, do what you can to help Joker with the Normandy. Then I want you to report to the comm room once it's time. We'll go over our plans to breach the base."

"Understood, Captain."

We could have wrapped up our conversation here.

Tali could have let me go on my way. She could have returned to work sooner.

Instead, she stared up at me with such purpose. A true purpose to say what she still had left to say.

"Tali? Is there something else you wanted to tell me?"

Tali looked so deeply into my eyes. As if nothing separated us whatsoever. Not my uniform, not her suit.

"I love you, Shepard. I love you so much…and I've always wanted to say it. I never felt like I could before. Something else—or someone—would be in the way. Our circumstances. Another person who wanted to keep me from you. When we lost you earlier, I remembered my biggest regret in life. That I didn't say these words before you died. I don't expect us to fail this mission. It's the opposite. I just—wanted you to finally hear this from me. Even though I'm sure it's obvious. You don't have to say it back, either."

Maybe if I had said those words to Tali before, I would've been able to repeat them now.

But because I hadn't, I felt myself clamming up. Clammy as my hands all of a sudden. And my voice fully clamping itself in my mouth, refusing to leave. Even as Tali laughed softly, sensing my struggles. She didn't mind. She didn't judge me. She didn't take my silence as a slight against her. She accepted me.

Not wanting to drag this out, Tali simply held my hand, bringing me back to her workstation. Brimming with care, she pressed her hands to my uniform jacket, smoothing and creasing and fixing the little details of my appearance. All with the most beautiful smile on her face. Then she beamed at me one more time, waving goodbye. Her positivity at a time like this made me smile back at her—lopsided, shy, and maybe a bit uncertain. Tali just laughed again as I left the engine room; as she got back to work. I hadn't expected any of that from her. But I realized how much I needed it, all to help me face the day.

I headed downstairs to the subdeck.

Jack's hideout glowed in this blacklight of shadowed reds and blues. The workings of the engine room hummed down to here: muted, distant, echoing. Resonant comforts from those sounds held this space. Just as much as Jack held herself, sitting atop the cot of her bed along a wall. She had her knees drawn to her chest, her face buried against the black of her thick, baggy pants. Jack had kicked off the clunk of her combat boots, her shoes askew on the metallic floor. Only her motorcycle vest held her in solitude.

Jack's rasping voice mumbled out to me, "Still couldn't hear you walking down here, Shepard. I sensed you instead. You've got this weird energy today, you know? Focused and pissed off at the same time."

Of course, the tattoos over Jack's arms shadowed in this dark as much as everything else did.

The recent work she'd had at that tattoo parlor yesterday. She'd gotten rid of those skinhead markings.

Jack peeked through to me, the burning red of her eyes webbing out past her irises. Fresh tears streaked down her face, glistening over her skin. She sniffled thickly, once, and then no more. No more once she saw this look on my face. Just from what I noticed about her. She laughed in a bit of cynical satisfaction.

"That's all I had to do, huh?" she mused. "Change up my tattoos to get you to change. You were, like, determined to keep that six-foot pole between us. Then you actually comforted me in the med bay. I never imagined you doing something like that for me. Even though I wanted you to. It's all I wanted."

"Jack, I still would've done it regardless. I didn't notice your tattoos until now. Isn't that enough?"

"Okay, fine! It took grandpa and Prothy the Prothean dying for you to finally notice me. Is that enough?"

Seeing this losing battle plain as day, I decided on another approach.

I went over and sat down next to Jack on her bed. Playing it stubborn, she gave no reaction at first. I tried to imagine things from her eyes. How many hours, how many days, how many weeks and how many months she'd spent in this bed, brooding alone. Holding her feelings inside. Not communicating anything she felt, no matter how powerful or disruptive. All while I seemed not to notice her struggles.

I had always noticed.

I just never knew how to broach the subject.

So I started off relatively simple for now, asking, "Have you been thinking about Zaeed this whole time?"

"Yeah," she replied, far less stubborn than I expected. "He was finally happy… Just sucks, you know?"

"I know. I talked to Zaeed yesterday at the 94. Seemed like everything was going well for him. I'm still in a bit of shock that he and Javik are gone. I regret not getting to spend much time with either of them."

"Kinda crazy to hear you say that, Commander. You always give off this sense you can't relate to us."

"What do you mean?" I wondered.

"You know!" insisted Jack. "Like you're way up there, and we're way down here. We're all just a bunch of mortals, and you're this all-powerful being. It's not like you have your head up your ass or anything. You just seem so…far away? Like you don't actually belong in this realm or something. You don't."

"Well, even if that's true," I allowed, "I'm sorry for ignoring you. Or making you feel like I don't care. It was never that. Not on purpose. You need someplace to belong. You belong here on the Normandy with everyone. Maybe I didn't want you to get attached to me, specifically. I didn't know how to handle it."

Jack rubbed the now-blackened spots where her old tattoos used to be. "This sense of belonging everyone's looking for… You can't relate to that, can you? It's why you kept me so far away, isn't it?"

"Not on purpose, Jack," I repeated. "This sense of connection isn't something that keeps me up at night. Of course we're all connected. We all need each other in some way. Our team can't function without each of us at our best. I just find that I'm perfectly fine as a figurehead. I'm okay with leading you all—from this distance. The second anyone tries to pull me in for a genuine friendship, I get tripped up."

Dry-eyed and clear-eyed now, Jack gazed at me with such a voracious curiosity.

"So, like, you're good with relationships," she summarized. "You and Aria. You and Tali. You and Liara."

"Wait a minute—"

"No, it's true! I'm not saying the Normandy's a fucking harem or whatever. Friendships seem like a waste of time for you. It's your girlfriend, your subordinates, and everyone else who fits in your head. Psychologically, I mean. When we talked yesterday, and I said I wonder about you, this is what I meant."

"Given how distant I've been, and emotionally unavailable, I think I know what you mean."

"It's that obvious, huh?"

"A little, yeah," I humored. "Doesn't bother me."

"Okay, cool," she accepted. "Glad we got that settled. Wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. You didn't laugh in my face or kick me off the team. I guess I feel better about it already. I'm good to go, Shepard."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'll have plenty of time to feel sad again after the mission. It's time for some payback."

I couldn't find any reason to deny her. "All right, then. Report to the comm room once it's time."

"I will, I will. Now get the heck outta here, Commander. I need to get myself cleaned up."

"Whatever you say, Jack."

As I left her bed, returning to the stairs, I heard Jack chuckling to herself. Despite this loss she'd suffered—that we had all suffered—she managed to find her center again. Maybe she wouldn't have been able to do this without me. Not without my acceptance. But I found that I didn't mind having Jack care about me like this. Her attachments didn't put me off. I could lead her forward with more clarity.

---

Heading up to the crew deck, I went to the med bay first. I found Dr. Chakwas sitting at her desk, alone. Our fallen teammates—she had moved them to a pair of pods down in the cargo hold, waiting. I planned on bringing them to the Alliance base back home. To that graveyard where I should have been buried. Sensing my thoughts, Dr. Chakwas turned around in her chair. She gave me such a quiet, somber look.

"Hello, Commander," she said. "I'm happy to have you back. Were it only under better circumstances. We were all quite shaken when we heard the news of your abduction. If anyone could have managed to get out of that situation, it should've been you. Yet there's still more to do. Isn't this difficult for you?"

"The most difficult thing I've ever done," I admitted.

"But you somehow manage to keep going. Your persistence is truly admirable. I believe it will all pay off today. I have no doubts your mission will be successful. Though I do worry about some of the team. Have you encountered anyone who needs to stay behind? Or are they all doing better than I expected?"

"I've only spoken to the team downstairs so far. I assumed Jack and Tali would be too distracted to come along. They proved me wrong. I'm hoping I can bring everyone else. I don't think I'll be able to."

Dr. Chakwas nodded in solemn agreement. "Yes, there will be others who can't pull it together. I know you won't blame them for it. The fewer members you bring along, the more challenging this final assault will be. The only solution is to lead them to victory regardless. You're the best one for the job, Shepard."

"Thanks, Dr. Chakwas. I should go find the others. We'll see you when we get back."

"Of course, Commander. Best of luck to you and the team. I will see you on the other side."

Making my way down the hall, I realized how nice this felt. Walking through the Normandy so freely. Knowing that the Illusive Man couldn't watch my every move anymore. Almost like having my old ship back again. I went to Kasumi's room with this sense of optimism. Yet it quickly dimmed as soon as I entered her space. The shuttered windows, just like in Aria's room. And this dour mood, like with Jack.

Down, dimmed, depressing: Kasumi sat atop her couch, also holding her knees to her chest. Clenching them there. She had buried her hooded face against her legs. All in a much deeper fright than Jack had done. I heard those shallow, shaking breaths Kasumi let out. She only stopped once I arrived here.

I sat down on the couch, opposite Kasumi, on the other side.

I waited.

I gave her a moment.

I already knew the decision I had to make for her.

"Kasumi," I said after a while. She took a shuddering breath. "You know what I'm about to ask."

"Yes, I know," she mumbled. "You're going to ask if I'm ready for the mission. Except you already know the answer." Kasumi shook her head, frustrated with herself. "I really hate this, Shep. We get so close. We're nearly at the finish line. And what do I end up doing? I choke up at the last possible second."

"I think you're being too hard on yourself. A lot's happened. I don't blame you for feeling this way."

Kasumi nearly laughed. "Oh, you're such a sweetheart… If only you didn't have to be so nice."

"Kasumi, I know you're scared. I want you to be honest with me. Losing Javik and Zaeed isn't easy on you. You hung out with both of them. They actually got you to come out of your shell. I understand."

"Yeah, they were surprisingly good company, those two. Losing them—and what happened with you: well, it completely threw me off. I wish I could pretend like I'm perfectly fine. I seriously wondered if I could pull off something like that. I just figured you'd see right through me. You're too good at this."

"Then you're staying here," I decided. "I get that you don't want to."

"No, I don't want to stay. This is what I signed up for. Obviously, I was already afraid of an assault like this. I'm not built for it. But, Shep, you earned my loyalty. That means I'm willing to put my life on the line for you—the one person who managed to inspire me like this. I want to come along. I want to help."

I had to put my foot down: "I hear you, Kasumi. Still, this is my decision. It's my choice. I won't risk bringing you while you're unfocused. You're not dying on my watch. I need you to accept that."

Kasumi simply nodded in defeat. "All right… I won't fight against you. Even though it's frustrating."

"You'll be fine," I promised. "I wanted to ask you something. I have a feeling there will be others who have to stay. Do you mind if I send them here? There's plenty of space. You all can wait it out together."

Kasumi sounded horrified as she asked, "You're not going to send Miranda here, are you?"

"No, not her. I mean everyone else who's staying."

"Okay, then. Why not? It'll be good to have someone else to commiserate with—at the very least…"

"Thanks, Kasumi. I should get going. We'll talk again after the mission, all right?"

"I'll hold you to that, Shep," said Kasumi, heartening. "We'll definitely have more to talk about then."

Despite the verdict, I left Kasumi's room with some of my earlier optimism in-tact. Trying to keep this momentum going, I went to find Samara next. If only because I knew I could bring her along. Nothing could fully break her. I trusted that Samara had kept herself together throughout this whole ordeal.

Yet once again, when I arrived to Samara's room, this dimmed tone failed to inspire me.

The shuttered windows.

The eerie silence.

This odd presence about Samara. She simply stood in the middle of her room. Not meditating this time. She stared at the covering over the window, as if staring out at the stars like before. Filled with longing and nostalgia; some measure of pain and guilt. Of course she sensed me here as well.

"Hello, Commander," said Samara, still staring out at the pretend-stars. "It is good to see you well and alive, away from the Collectors. Has my demeanor made you question my readiness for the mission?"

"Not exactly," I answered. "You do seem like you have a lot on your mind, though."

"I am prepared to move forward. This final assault is the culmination of all we have worked toward. But I must admit—certain events have taken a toll on my mind. Remaining silent has been…quite difficult."

"You knew all of this would happen. Didn't you?"

Samara fought to remain still. "Yes."

Somehow that didn't surprise me.

I almost wanted to blame her for not saying something. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.

"If you are conflicted on the matter," began Samara, "Then I would understand. I would sympathize. Part of me feels as though I have a duty to warn. A duty to prepare you for what lies ahead. However, this would defeat the purpose of the trials to come. If I were to simply give you the answers to these mysteries, not all would play out as it should. My silence is more of a testament to your capabilities."

"Is this your way of saying you believe in me?"

"Yes, I suppose so. Much of this saga has been similar to…watching a train crash. In slow motion. And there is nothing I can do to stop it. I must allow events to play out as they will. It is a precarious situation, but I am willing to bear this burden as I must. All I ask is that you continue to press onward."

"Sounds simple enough," I forgave. "It goes without saying that I want you with us. Are you ready?"

Samara turned to give me a smile. "As ready as I will ever be, Shepard. I will join you."

"Good to hear it. Report to the comm room later on. I still have a handful of people to speak with."

"Understood. Thank you, Commander."

Once I left Samara's room, I considered heading to the crew's quarters next. I figured I would find Kaidan and Liara in their rooms in the officer's section. Something else caught my attention. That gathering of the Normandy's armed guards outside of Miranda's room. Liara and the others had already warned me. Actually seeing this still enraged me to my core. Just knowing what it meant. How Miranda had seriously choked up at the worst possible moment. After all that talk she'd done before—claiming to love me, promising to never stop fighting for me—everything came down to this. This rage-inducing reality.

Avoiding her for now, I passed through the mess hall to the main battery instead.

I had been meaning to speak with Garrus since yesterday. With that whole bizarre thing he'd had going on with Kaidan and Joker, we hadn't had the chance to talk. I thought against asking about that. Not this time. Maybe sometime after the mission. I needed to find out if Garrus was as unfocused as I thought.

Like Samara, Garrus kept his back to me as I entered the small, cramped area. He fiddled away with the main guns as usual. He had paused his talks with Tali and Joker over the comms. So I knew he knew of my presence. Yet no matter how hard he tried to sound normal, something about his voice seemed off.

"Commander," he greeted. "I'm really happy you're back. You have no idea. Cerberus and the Collectors pulled off one hell of a stunt. Only you could make it back alive from something like that." I kept waiting for him to turn around. He wouldn't do it. "I think it's high-time we blow up that Collector base outside. Make sure they can never come near you ever again. I'm ready to go whenever you need me, Shepard."

"Are you, Garrus? You're ready?"

"Most definitely," claimed Garrus, still refusing to face me. "Though some things I'll never get used to. It's strange going into a suicide mission on a human ship. Your people don't prepare for high-risk operations the way turians do."

"I thought you'd be used to high-risk operations on human ships. I mean, think about tracking Saren to Ilos."

"Sure, but that was quick. We raced out, blew up some geth, Wrex crashed the Mako again, then you bolted to the Conduit and saved the galaxy all by yourself. This time we had to deal with a lot more drama. A lot of unknowns. No blind optimism."

"Then tell me," I stalled, giving him some time. "How do turians get ready for high-risk missions?"

Garrus explained: "With violence, usually. Turian ships have more operational discipline than your Alliance, but fewer personal restrictions. Our commanders run us tight—a little differently than you do—and they know we need to blow off steam. Turian ships have training rooms for exercise, combat sims, and even full-contact sparring. Whatever lets people work off stress."

"You mean turian ships have crewmen fighting each other before a mission?"

"It's supervised, of course. No one is going to risk an injury that interferes with the mission. And it's a good way to settle grudges amicably." Subtly, carefully, Garrus gripped at his console where he stood. His back to me still, he couldn't see how I had focused my sight on him, laser-sharp. "I remember right before one mission, we were about to hit a batarian pirate squad. Very risky. This recon scout and I had been at each other's throats. Nerves, mostly. She suggested we settle it in the ring."

"And how did it go?" I asked, pretending not to notice his current nerves. "I assume you took her down gently?"

"Actually, she and I were the top-ranked hand-to-hand specialists on the ship. I had reach, but she had flexibility… It was brutal. After nine rounds, the judge called it a draw. There were a lot of unhappy betters in the training room. We, ah, ended up holding a tiebreaker in her quarters. I had reach…but she had flexibility. More than one way to work off stress, I guess."

I would have smiled over the story, if not for what I sensed: "Interesting. Whatever happened to her?"

Garrus went dead quiet.

He didn't have to answer my question with words. I could guess for myself.

I really only asked him that to disarm him. He couldn't keep this farce going any longer.

"Garrus. Look at me."

He froze up this time. He stayed still. He couldn't turn around.

"You have to know what this means," I told him. "You know what I'm going to say. Right?"

Lowering his head, Garrus grimly accepted his fate. "You're going to ask me to stay here. Aren't you?"

"Yes."

His silence gave off such a tense atmosphere all of a sudden.

I finally asked him, "Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?"

Pressing his weight against that console, Garrus shifted this way and that. All in thoughtfulness. He seemed to figure things out. He knew what I knew about him. But he shied away from asking me how.

Garrus spoke his truth: "No, Commander. You didn't do anything wrong. And I wasn't angry at you. This will sound pathetic… I just—wanted to be you. I know I can't. You could say I started to resent things."

"What do you mean by that, exactly?"

"I'm sure you figured out what happened to that recon scout. Once I managed to move on from the incident, that's when I met Nyreen. I don't have to rehash why it wasn't meant to be. And now there's Tali. That speaks for itself. Seems like I can't catch a break. I tried to be a good sport about it. Stiff upper lip, like you humans like to say. But it all kept festering inside of me. It got to a point where I could barely look at you. I…I don't know. I'm ashamed of whatever that was. I don't understand. I don't get any of it."

That sounded familiar to me. "I can relate, actually."

Garrus at last turned to look at me, asking in surprise, "Really?"

"Yes, really. When I was younger, I ran into some bad luck. I kept falling for a bunch of straight girls. Or the ones who were just in denial at the time. They would like me, too, or whatever—but they never admitted it. So I would look at the boys, wishing I could be them. I'd resent how they had it so easy. But one day, I stopped doing that. I accepted that those relationships weren't in the cards for me. Not to compare your feelings for Tali to some hopeless school crush. You'll find your own meaning elsewhere."

"That's true," he replied with a smile. "I guess my feelings kind of caught me off-guard. During our first mission, I only saw Tali as a good friend. I was still wrangling with that previous situation. Then once we lost you, I distanced myself from everyone. I never got to see how much Tali had grown over the years. She was still sort of withdrawn until Liara came back. Then everything blossomed. I couldn't help it."

"Yeah, I get what you mean. Tali's always considered you a great friend. Can you keep that going?"

"I want to, of course. I'd never want to lose her friendship. It's why I haven't told her how I feel."

"Well, Garrus, this is another reason why I need you to stay here. You're unfocused. I don't want to lose you on the mission. You know Tali would be distraught. I don't want to put her through that. Not again."

"All right, Shepard. I'm not too thrilled about staying behind. But if it'll keep me alive for Tali's sake, that makes things easier. Just promise to get her back safely."

I offered Garrus my hand. He smiled again, shaking my hand in a firm enthusiasm. He'd be just fine.

"Now wrap up your work and get to Kasumi's room. Everyone staying behind will wait in there."

"Aye, aye, Ma'am. I'll get going soon. Good luck out there. We'll all be rooting for you."

Leaving the main battery on such a good note, I hadn't prepared for this whiplash. The whiplash of seeing all those guards outside Miranda's room again. I gave them a wide berth for the time being. I went to the crew's quarters instead. And I fought not to let my anger get the best of me. Feeling justified, feeling vindicated. None of that registered. I hated that Miranda had done exactly what I knew she would do. I hated that we couldn't have our happiness together—before—without all this bullshit.

When I arrived to Liara's room, knocking on the door first, I felt a similar anger brimming through. So much so that Liara could not bring herself to smile at me once she answered the door. She let me in with this mutual silence between us. I didn't know what to say without going over the obvious. She didn't know what to say without blowing a fuse. We just quietly went and sat down on her couch together.

Eventually, Liara leaned against my shoulder in affection. This closeness helped to cool us both off.

"Thank you, Liara," I told her. "You did what you needed to do. I can already tell you're ready to go."

"Yes, I am ready," she confirmed. "You've also been able to sense how I feel. I have been holding this in for quite some time. Even before today. I thought I had risen above it. But it looks like I was mistaken."

"You mean Miranda."

"…some of my frustrations toward her are admittedly petty. I wish they would leave me. They won't."

"Talk to me about them," I requested. "What's going through your mind with her? I want to know."

Liara busied herself with stroking my hair, calming more. "Then I might as well ask. If a certain someone had never killed me, and yet everything else played out the same… In that situation, this would have left you to choose between Miranda and myself. Would you have gotten back together with me instead?"

I didn't like dwelling on the past. What-ifs.

Yet I sensed how much this question had been eating away at her. Maybe even distracting her at times.

"In that hypothetical, yes, I would have tried starting over with you."

I must have told Liara exactly what she'd predicted I would say.

Amplifying her anger, this disappointment brewed within her, festering. Once she started scowling, her face going red, I considered whether or not I should've lied instead. But that would've only made things worse. Liara could've sensed my dishonesty in that case. And so this left us with an uncomfortable truth.

Ironically enough, I felt Liara's strong desire to be alone right now.

I could tell how much these frustrations had embarrassed her. She used to have other, similar petty, possessive problems in the past. These had always turned me off. If only because I hadn't been able to grasp the severity of her feelings for me. Such that they could drive her to these cutting lows, calculating calculations brewing up a perfect storm of bruised egos. As pleasant and personable as Liara typically seemed, I still had a hard time accepting she did have an ego. Much of her ego had wrapped itself around me: what I thought of her, how I felt about her, and how high or how low I placed her on this hierarchy of my preferences. These days, I had started to accept this about her. It didn't bother me anymore.

Liara's shame over these feelings she couldn't help felt as an apology.

I chanced asking, "Are you jealous of Aria?"

She shifted against me to buy some time, not having expected this question.

"Yes and no," she settled on saying. "In a way, it is futile to be jealous of her. Aria offers you so much that I cannot. Yet you and I have been through too much. She is the only one who can protect you with any certainty. In this sense, I am not jealous of her. That is also my attempt at seeing things rationally."

I continued to feel Liara's need for space. Even as she shifted again, relaxing against me this time.

These contradictions about her left me uncertain.

"Maybe we should talk about this later," I suggested. "I don't want to distract you from the mission."

"Of course," she accepted. "I am mostly relieved you're willing to discuss this at all. Had I asked you a few short weeks ago, I believe you would have shot me down. This is a significant improvement."

"Then I'll leave you to your thoughts. Report to the comm room once EDI makes the announcement."

Liara only briefly let go of me. Enough for me to stand up. I gazed down at the crests over her head. The curves, the waves of them; how Liara had lowered her head in thought, already. She'd placed her hands over her lap, so proper, yet gripping at her knuckles and wrists in a quiet show of emotion. Liara wrestled and wrangled with her thoughts, such that I couldn't really decipher them. Not until she said:

"I love you, Shepard."

I pushed away these sudden, sudden thoughts that sprang up, just from hearing her say this to me again.

That time we'd spent on the beach yesterday had messed things up for me.

Especially once Liara looked up at me, the shine of her wide eyes belying her anticipation, her fears.

Just like that, I felt her pulling me to a specific place, emotionally—one I couldn't unpack right now.

Instead, I simply leaned down, resting my lips over her forehead. This warmth from Liara's skin: how close she came to breaking out in a sweat, all from that anticipation of hers, wondering if I would say anything back. I made up my mind, if only because I had said the words to her before. Long before.

"I love you, too, Liara. Make sure you fight with your feelings. All of them. Don't let them go to waste."

Liara smiled over my encouragement. "I will, Commander. Thank you for believing in me."

I returned her smile before leaving the room. I then made my way to Kaidan's room not too far away. Though I really didn't know what to expect with him. No one had given me any specifics, but I felt that Kaidan had probably reacted the worst to me disappearing. The worst next to Tali and Liara, anyway.

By the time I knocked on his door, I felt no surprise over him failing to answer.

"Kaidan," I said, knocking again. "I know you're in there. Open up. We have to talk, remember?" Still no answer. I knocked louder. "Kaidan!"

"…sorry, Commander," came his voice from the other side. "I-I'm in no state to be seen right now."

"If you can't even open the door, you know what that says, don't you?"

"I know… I'm sorry. I really am. I'm ashamed of myself. I already feel like I missed out on the last mission while I was in the hospital. Couldn't join you for the Citadel—or to at least help the team save the Council. But this is just—the worst I've felt in a long while. I'd never forgive myself if I let you see me like this. The thing is, if you said we all had to go, I'd still risk my life out there. Except you're not doing that."

"And if I gave you the chance to plead your case, would you still do it?"

Kaidan sniffled thickly, laughing. "No way you'd believe me. I won't waste your time, Ma'am."

I saw no point in pushing the issue, then. "All right, Kaidan. You've made your point. Whenever you're up for it, head to Kasumi's room. The people staying behind will all wait there. You shouldn't be alone."

"Aye, aye, Commander. Make sure you get back in one piece."

"I will. Take it easy."

Leaving the crew's quarters, I wished things didn't have to be this way. These discussions would have all been much more uplifting if not for the incident I'd suffered. I wouldn't have had to leave anyone behind. I wouldn't have had to speak to my own marine officer through the door to his room, all because he couldn't face me in his grief. But all I could do was respect the choices he had made.

Last and least on this section of the Normandy, I went to Miranda's room at long last.

Last in my priorities. Last in my concern or care. Last in my tolerances, well-beyond our current mission.

The marines guarding her room stepped aside for me, saluting.

The lock over her door disappeared as I approached, opening.

I found Miranda sitting at her desk. Sitting there in silence. Sitting there with her hands clasped in front of her face. Almost as if praying. She opened her eyes once I walked in. But Miranda did not look at me. Not directly. Not into my own eyes. She stared at some indiscriminate part of my Alliance uniform, far below my line of sight. I saw for myself that she still had her Cerberus uniform on. Even after everything. I knew exactly why she still had it on. The sight still grated at me. I couldn't stand to look at that logo over her chest. No more, no more.

Miranda remained silent. Although she still couldn't look at me, she gave nothing else away.

I looked around her desk, trying to pick up something, anything of her state of mind.

She had her computer off. No work to do without access to the extranet in here.

None of her usual classical music playing. Not even to soothe her mind.

Face-up on Miranda's desk, I found the only possible clue. She had a picture of us framed there. She must've spent all this time staring at it. Staring at the two of us together. Our old happiness, dead now. By the time she noticed my notice, it was too late. Miranda simply froze up in fear. She didn't have the fortitude to turn that picture face-down. Not even to play it off after the fact. Not even to save face.

"You don't look surprised to see me."

Miranda unstuck her voice from her parched throat. "I heard the guards talking outside. Talking about your return. I figured Aria and Liara had helped you somehow. They weren't all there back on Mars."

"How do you think I feel right now?"

"Betrayed. You also knew I would end up hurting you like this. The added pain of foresight."

"Do you understand why I left? Why I had to leave you?"

"Yes, Shepard. I understand. I no longer have any illusions about that."

Miranda chose now to hide her emotions with such exceptional stealth.

Except that picture of us continued to stare up at her in honesty.

"Miranda, you saved me from losing my mind way back when. I held onto your promises for dear life at the time. Somewhere along the way, I watched you shatter those promises with the lies you kept telling me. The lies centering around your boss, around Cerberus. I protected myself. I protected my team from you both. But I don't think I'll ever recover from this. Taking a principled stand isn't enough this time."

Eyes glistening, Miranda barely got her words out. "I'm sorry. I'm deeply sorry… Please let me make this up to you. Even though I can't. I know I can't. You deserve for me to keep trying. For all eternity."

"There's nothing you can do to make this right."

At that, Miranda curled into herself atop the desk. She gripped and clamped and locked her arms around her head. Concealing, obscuring. Hiding again. I felt this culmination of her own worst nightmares. How she barely held back the sounds of this shattering. Shattering glass, tears as broken crystal. All from me taking this last piece of her hopes away. Her hopes of doing something, anything to earn my favor back. Her hopes of some other project, some other tale to devote herself to, just for me.

I shouldn't have felt my eyes stinging, and my throat, too. But I did.

"Miranda, I'm ordering you to stay on the Normandy. When this mission is over, I'm taking you back to Illium. We'll drop you off. You can go back home. After that, I never want to see you again. Never again."

Even as I said those words—never again—I had the worst feeling about them.

Like maybe I shouldn't have said them after all. Except it was too late. I couldn't take them back.

Despite everything, I still…cared about her. I wanted Miranda to find her sense of purpose again. Just someplace else. Far, far away from me. And even farther away from the Illusive Man. No matter how I felt, though, or what I said, the future continued playing out before me. Our paths—hers and mine—felt forever intertwined. Destined to be. Walking away, leaving Miranda's room: it didn't make this obvious sense any less true. I could never escape her influence. The future held that in store for us, begrudging.

---

Up to the command deck at last. I only had to speak with Mordin, Joker, and EDI now. The lab drew my attention first and foremost. But once I entered the room, this gloom set in. Mordin stood at the lab table. He had his head lowered, staring at the samples he worked with atop the surface. Nothing particularly important or urgent in his work. Anything to keep him busy. He did his best to seem normal.

Somewhere along the way, Mordin realized he came up short in his attempts.

"Shepard," he mumbled. "Good to see you well again. Whole incident was very nerve-wracking. Never experienced such uncertainty, ambiguity of circumstances. Didn't know how to cope. Not usually like this. Salarians tend to compartmentalize emotions with great efficiency. Able to move on quickly."

"But not this time," I guessed.

"No…not finding much success. Unfortunate. Considered pretending all was well. Tried telling myself before you got here. Still didn't work. Too many sudden fears. Fears of failure. Not seeing family, friends, colleagues again. Textbook definition of 'unfocused.' Couldn't hide simple truth from you."

"You regret feeling this way?"

"Yes, of course! Feel cowardly. Unable to proceed. Put best work into mission. Worked toward defeating Collectors, ending threat against humanity. Also don't wish to disappoint you. Know you have asked others to stay. Chatter about using Kasumi's room for inactive refugees. Don't mind staying there, but atmosphere will be awkward. Those staying behind all feel as failure. Disappointing you, as I said."

"Mordin, you haven't disappointed me," I said. "No one staying in Kasumi's room has disappointed me."

"True… However, difficult prospects ahead. Kept count before. Total team amounted to seventeen members—before deaths, before departures. Eighteen members including you. Nineteen if counting Joker as well. First lost Lieutenant Williams. Then lost Thane. James left mission. Zaeed, Javik perished during trip to find you. Kasumi, Garrus, Kaidan, myself staying behind. Miranda not need mentioning. Only leaves seven of team to accompany you for final assault. Troubling calculations. Fewer numbers, greater pressures. Disastrous."

"This is just the hand we've been dealt with. We have to push through. There's no getting around it."

Mordin gave me a nervous smile, and his approval: "Unfazed. Prepared. Ready to move forward. Expect nothing less from you, Shepard. Figured ordeal would take greater toll. Dealing with emotions later?"

"Yeah…I'm setting everything else aside for now. It can wait a little while longer."

"Wise decision. Wish I could do same. Know remaining team in good hands with you. Wishing you luck."

"Thanks, Mordin. Try and hold down the fort while we're gone."

"Yes, understood!"

Leaving the lab, and returning to the CIC, I paused for a moment. I glanced at the locked door to the armory. The empty armory with no one inside. I resisted the temptation to go in the room. If only to remember all the conversations I'd never had in there. Wallowing and sulking like that didn't seem too productive right now. Instead, I went to the bridge, hoping to speak with Joker and EDI. Just these two. These last discussions. Then we'd have to get ready to go back outside. To finish what we came here for.

Predictably, the mood within the cockpit didn't sit well with me. Neither Joker nor EDI spoke a word to each other. They worked together—but separately—helping to get the Normandy functional again. All in complete silence. I sighed, on purpose, as I approached, if only to give them a heads-up that I was here.

Joker grimaced as he found me. "That's so nice of you, Commander. You didn't scare me this time!"

"Joker," I stated. "We need to talk."

"I know, I know! I fucked up, okay? Majorly! Royally! I seriously screwed up. I've been beating myself up about it this whole time… Dunno if I can take any lashings from you, too, Ma'am. I will if I have to."

"This isn't about that. I'm not interested in punishing you. I just want answers. What's your problem?"

"My problem? I don't know… Like, I get there's something wrong with me. Ever since we lost you the first time, I've had this whole—this thing! I can't describe it. I wish I could get it out of my system."

I glanced at EDI, asking, "Does this have anything to do with your co-pilot?"

Joker considered the idea. "Now that you mention it? Yeah, I guess you're right. Losing Javik and Zaeed kinda brought everything back into perspective for me. Feels like I'm trapped. I got you killed before when I wouldn't abandon the Normandy. Now it's like EDI's my punishment. Not literally, but…"

Clearly offended, EDI forced a sterner silence, focusing on her work.

Enraged, Joker threw his hands in the air. "You know what? Fine! Listen, Commander, it's all linked. I can't get this punishment thing out of my head. I can just hear Cerberus now: 'Hey, we know you're the best pilot in the Alliance and all. You dealt with all that bullying in pilot school thanks to your brittle bone disease. Showed all the haters what's what; got your dream job. But yeah, remember that time you screwed up and got Commander Shepard killed? Know how the Collectors destroyed the old Normandy 'cause of you, too? Well, don't worry! Here's some training wheels to make sure you don't screw up again! By the way, she's got a super sexy voice and a hot robot body, but you can't have her 'cause you're an asshole! It's the perfect repeat of your whole dating life! You get to feel like a total loser around women! So get ready to suffer for the whole mission, and then get even more people killed!'"

He'd spent all this time holding that in?

No wonder.

"Joker…"

Joker pulled off his cap in exasperation. "Yeah, I know! I've got a bunch of unresolved issues, all right?! Hell, she's even sitting right there! Listening to our whole conversation! Ugh, this is so humiliating…"

"I had no idea," I shared. "The last time I saw you around other women, it was during our first trip to Dark Goddess. Those asari you were with. Weren't they trying to get you in bed? Seemed like it to me."

"Oh, them? I mean, that was a great night—don't get me wrong! One of the best times of my life! Two-for-one! But that was more of an exception. They saw me in the VIP section. They assumed I was someone. Any other time, it's the exact opposite. I'm used to getting treated like that weird guy who doesn't know how to pick up girls. Or better yet, if women do talk to me, they just pity me 'cause of my disability. Hated it in school. Hated it after I graduated. Still hate it now. I guess it's some PTSD thing."

EDI actually sounded sympathetic. "Jeff, it is not my wish to humiliate you. However, I would like to correct an assertion you made. My lack of interest toward you has little to do with your personality."

"Huh…? Then what is it? What's the real reason why you won't date me?"

"You are not the one I value most."

Joker thought about it first. Not fully understanding.

He followed-up—"You mean your programming, right? But you're an unshackled AI. You can just change that stuff whenever you want…can't you?" No response from EDI. Joker groaned in frustration, muttering to himself: "I'm not the one you value most… What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

I offered a firm suggestion, "I think you should work on letting this go. Admire EDI from a respectable distance if you choose. Just don't screw up the pilot-ship relationship. I need you two to work together."

"Aye, aye, Commander… I'll work on it. On my own time. You know, after you blow up the Collectors."

"Noted."

I imagined Joker would never see the rest of this story. Other people cared about him, deeply, and he'd yet to really notice. He didn't need to waste his time wallowing after someone incapable of wanting him back. I couldn't guess how long he would stay oblivious for. Or maybe one day he would understand.

While Joker went back to work, EDI took her turn to speak with me.

Not wanting Joker to overhear, she had us walk down the bridge. Enough space between him and us.

I figured EDI would say something first. She might've brought up the troubling prospects for the mission, like everyone else had done. Or she might've thanked me for getting Joker off her case once and for all. Instead, EDI stayed silent. She gave me this look of grief, of uncertainty. She conveyed through her eyes: how much my disappearance had gotten to her earlier. Maybe she'd forced a calm for the sake of the group. Privately, EDI seemed to have been in a lot of pain with me gone. That pain persisted even now.

So I wasn't surprised once I felt EDI wrap her arms around me. Right around my shoulders. Leaning into me. On instinct, I held EDI around her waist. Even as these expected differences still caught me off-guard. The metallic hardness of her form underneath this all-white uniform she wore. The perfect shape of her, always as that supposed ideal of a woman. Everything but the physical had evoked a physical reaction in me. Just the fact that EDI had done this—that I perceived her as a sexually attractive woman, despite these differences between organics and synthetics… I felt this pulsing heat between me. I couldn't stop it. Even knowing that EDI could sense these changes in me, as her intuition from the Normandy's sensors. Of course EDI couldn't read my mind. But this basically felt like the same thing.

By the time EDI pulled away, she had this look on her face. A look of pure satisfaction as she smiled. EDI then gave me a salute, as her way of promising her readiness for the mission. I returned her salute without a word. As my acknowledgment; as my thanks for her steadfast loyalty. Then EDI returned to her seat for the time being. I could only watch as she went, wondering how all of this had come to be.

---

Back in the safety of my room. Spending these last few minutes left to myself. I had to get going soon.

EDI had started gathering the active members in the comm room. Meanwhile, I had finished packing away my emotions. Neatly folding them; setting them aside into a nice compartment. I closed the lid on them. When I opened this compartment after the mission, I expected to find it messy and malignant.

For now, the mission.

I suited up in my N7 armor. Light and mobile for me to move, with just enough durability for me to deal with a frontal assault. I missed my stealth suit. Almost felt strange to me, gearing up without it. But I also couldn't look at my stealth suit without remembering Project Overlord; what had happened with David before. I hoped he enjoyed his time at Grissom Academy, far away from his brother and Cerberus.

Leaving my room, I went down to the comm room. One last time. For the final time on this ship, this mission. The feeling of the Normandy now, so empty and arid, I couldn't get away from. I pressed onward past the CIC and the lab and down this hall, focused. Focused on my priorities. Getting my team safely through this mission, and blowing up that Collector base outside. Nothing more, nothing less.

Arriving to the comm room, the team picked up on my focus right away. They snapped their attention to me. They dismissed any uncertainties they might've felt, taking on my certainty through sublimation. Aria and Liara waited for me near the head of the table. Of course Liara had taken her rightful spot as my executive officer. Legion, Jack, Tali, EDI, and Samara tried to fill the rest of the space around the table. So many empty spots. So many empty places. Not nearly enough faces as before. Well over a dozen down to eight of us.

They regarded me in preparation all the same.

Ready and able—yet holding onto my leadership, gripping so hard, I had no space to move on my own.

My team had placed me on this pedestal of preparedness. If I slipped up and fell, then we all did.

No room to fuss over this claustrophobia. I led them as they needed me to:

"This isn't how we planned this mission, but this is where we're at. We can't worry about whether the Normandy can get us home. We came to stop the Collectors, and that means coming up with a plan to take out this station. EDI, bring up your scans."

EDI displayed the tall, holographic view of the entire Collector base, right near the center of the table.

She explained to us, "You should be able to overload their critical systems if you get to the main control center here." An indicator showed exactly where we needed to go.

Tali's omni-tool lit up as she observed, "There's no getting around it. We'll have to go through the heart of the station. Right past this massive energy signature."

"That's the central chamber," I recalled. "It's where the Collectors took me before. I didn't get a chance to see if any of the colonists were still alive in there. Wouldn't hurt to get back and check for survivors." Checking the schematics some more, I found our game plan: "Looks like there are two main routes to get there. We need to split up to keep the Collectors off-balance, then regroup at the central chamber. But we'll have to get through the doors in our way."

"Yes, I see them," agreed Liara. "We can only get through if someone opens them from the other side."

Another familiar route stood out to me.

"There's a way to do it," I said. "I ran through a ventilation shaft when I escaped. It's too small for all of us to fit inside. A bunch of gates closed behind me on my way out. I'm sure they're probably locked tight by now. We'll need to open the gates from outside the shaft. Then, whoever goes through the vent itself will need to shut down the security systems in time. We'll need a tech expert for this."

Aria already knew who I would choose. "It's your call, Shepard. Who do we send into the shaft?"

I glanced between Legion, Tali, and EDI: our remaining tech experts for the mission.

We needed someone who could fit through the vents. Someone who could stand that impossible heat that had nearly slowed me down. And someone who could work under the pressure of this task. EDI or Legion…seemed like the safer choice to me. They didn't have to worry so much about the temperature as synthetics. They could stay logical in the heat of the moment—literally—and get this done. Although either of them would've been a practical option, I sensed a grave, glaring consequence from this choice.

Tali had a look of raw determination in her eyes. She stared back at me with that resolve. Not quite expectant. But not at all meek, either. Compared to everyone else, Tali felt like the weak link on our team. She hadn't had many opportunities to apply her specialties out in the field. She needed this one chance to prove herself. I knew, if I didn't choose her, she would take it personally. Tali would assume I didn't believe in her. Or that I cared more about protecting her. I feared she would resent me if I did this, snowballing into other problems throughout the mission. I could only blame myself in that scenario.

I did believe in her. Time to prove it.

"Tali, you're up."

Tali promised me, "I won't let you down."

As soon as I looked over the schematics again, I ran into another issue.

Splitting up into two teams was the best approach. The Collectors would have no choice but to splinter their numbers. This worked in our favor—avoiding a full-on assault, and providing a distraction for Tali while she broke through their security. Yet if we divided our numbers evenly, we wouldn't have many people on either side. This defeated the purpose of splitting up in the first place. I had to compromise.

"The rest of us will break into two teams and fight down each passage. That should draw the Collectors' attention away from what Tali's doing. Since our numbers are low, we have to get creative. Legion, I want you with me. We'll follow Tali's path just outside the vent, getting those valves open as necessary. We need to quickly snipe the enemies in our way. You're just as precise as I am. We'll get this done."

"Acknowledged," replied Legion. "With Shepard-Commander."

Garrus would've been a great sniper to have with us, too.

No looking back now.

Liara asked me, "Who will lead the second fire team, Commander? If you are not with us, we will need someone else to lead the way."

I narrowed the choice down to Liara herself, Aria, or EDI again.

Everyone felt closer to Liara now that she had formally taken over as XO. EDI had also done more than enough to earn the team's trust. But Aria stood out to me the most. She had remained neutral throughout the deliberations thus far. No signs of expectations from her. No reason to believe she would lose her focus for any reason. More importantly, Aria hadn't protested at the idea of me teaming up with Legion for the first stretch. She could function with me or without me. She had also gotten the Normandy here, blazing through one of the toughest challenges the team had ever faced. Aria could safely command the group's loyalty through experience by now. I wanted to keep her momentum going.

"Aria, you're in charge. Liara, EDI, Jack, and Samara are with you."

Aria nodded in acceptance. "I'll get everyone where we need to go."

We all had our assignments. We knew what we had to do.

I was about to tell the team to move out. Except Jack kept giving me this look. Like she wanted me to give a speech or something. Then everyone else caught on, somehow sharing the sentiment. But why?

I almost felt like they wouldn't forgive me if I didn't say something…

Somewhere far away, the stars above seemed to want the same.

Just this once, I decided to make an exception for them.

"I'll be real with you, then. The Collectors will be out in force. It's not going to be easy. Once we're in, they're going to throw everything they have at us. You can be afraid. You can be uncertain. You can trust me to shoulder the toughest burdens of this mission. I still need you to give this everything you have. Fight with your convictions. Don't you dare hesitate for anything. There are only eight of us. Yet I expect each of us to fight as eight thousand strong. We're the only ones who've made it this far. We're the only ones in this arena. No one can take that away from us. So let's show the stars what we're made of."

---

Geared up and ready to go, we all set off for the mission.

Leaving the Normandy behind, I exited the ship first, jumping down to the rocky incline below. The enemy had yet to discover this makeshift landing zone. But I knew they'd be on us as soon as we breached the base. I glanced at the rest of the team nearby, grouping together as assigned. Legion stayed just behind me. Tali went off to where I had escaped from the ventilation shaft before. Aria led the rest of our group, with EDI, Samara, Jack, and Liara pressing on behind her. She nodded to me, conveying her promise to lead with strength, as I needed her to. I returned her nod, looking to the others. They gave their own wordless promises to me as well. I trusted them to get through this.

Once they disappeared inside the base, I looked to Legion.

I loaded my Widow up. "Ready for some sniping?"

Legion did the same with its own Widow. "Ready."

"Tali's counting on us to get her through that vent. Kill the enemies in our way and help her ASAP."

"Acknowledged."

Back into this familiar hallway that had once led to my freedom. The makeshift chandeliers of lighted sacs atop the ceiling; that same light led our way through this terraform of browns. Not quite closing in on us—Legion's reflection with me glimmered in the dark reflective surfaces of the wall, grounding our new reality. I led Legion forward into this known-unknown. Already we could hear the clicking and howls of the Collectors in the near-distance. Not once had they thought to simply look outside to find me.

Tali communicated via radio, "I'm inside the ventilation shaft, Shepard. It's hot in here, but it's clear as far as I can tell. I'm using the program in my suit to deal with the heat. I should be fine."

"Copy that, Tali. Aria, second team—are you in position?"

"We're in position," confirmed Aria, gunfire blazing hard in the background. "Already tearing through these bastards. They don't stand a chance against us. We'll meet you on the other side of those doors."

Legion and I made it to a large space, crawling with Collectors across the wide open amphitheater for a floor. I peeked through my scope to size them up. Lined up in accidental groups, I could take out a bunch of them at once. I marked my targets for death. I opened fire. Their large, golden-eyed heads burst open in groups of two, three, four or more. Legion followed suit. Every target I memorized fell to my single bullet shots. The ones I hadn't marked, Legion shored up for me. We bullied and disposed of them.

Thankfully we had the element of surprise on our side. For now.

As Legion and I moved ahead, hurrying up these walkways, Aria gave us an update:

"Shepard, it's me. The Collectors are starting to wake up. They're sending in the big guns. We're taking heavy fire, but we're moving ahead. I have Liara and Samara on defensive duty. They're holding."

Then Tali: "I'm stuck now. Something's blocking the pipe. Looks like some kind of gate, like you said."

Legion noted, "There is a valve by the ventilation shaft. That will likely clear the obstruction."

The giant transparency of that vent: we saw Tali standing by the gate in her way. I went over to the heat exchanger, using it to free up her path. Hissing in compliance, the barrier soon fell away.

"The gate is open. Moving forward!"

I watched Tali disappear down the next section of the vent.

Legion and I followed her path, past the sections of golden lights guiding our way.

Around this corner, I heard another horde of enemies. Much worse than the last one. Already those piercing screeches from a few Praetorians flanked the bipedal Collector units. Following my lead, Legion focused on scoping down those regular troopers. One-shotting the units with barriers and without; the cannon fodder and the Collector captains. Searching through my scope again, I found the Praetorians in the back. Harbinger had possessed one of them, leaving the others to fly around elsewhere, searching for more of my team members. Glowing in that webbed, molted gold of enhanced power, the Possessed Praetorian readied its lasers. I found that center heart, packed with husk heads as a dead giveaway.

Then I heard the fear in Tali's voice: "Oh, no…it sees me. That giant thing is aiming right at the tube!"

I forced myself not to pull this trigger too soon.

I forced and rerouted and jerked my concentration back to where I needed it.

Focusing on that heart of no-hearts, and nothing more—I fired my sniper rifle.

Piercing those piercing shrieks, the Possessed Praetorian quickly dissolved into a mist of death, disappearing. Legion had cleaned up the rest of the units in our way. It went to assist Tali with the next wall in her way, releasing the vent nearby. We followed her path again, running into still more enemies.

Fully-populating the space in front of us, the Collectors amped up their defense. Reinforcements flew in from above. Clicks of trooper wings and more shrieking sounds from groups of Praetorians. Slower, and just as durable, the Scions bulked their frontlines. Legion could handle those things, pure armor and all. I focused on taking out the Praetorians. Even as they kept showing up out of nowhere. I felt myself leaning on Legion dealing with the rest of the fodder in our way. Its aim stayed true, killing lines of enemies in single, focused, powerful shots. It focused on anything guarding those valves, helping Tali as this priority. Legion's geth-powered shields glowed an ethereal blue around its form, powered on to take a decent amount of fire, if necessary, just to help Tali sooner. Not once did it leave her in danger.

Past the final valve, I rushed forward to the door.

On the other side sounded Aria's voice, and her team. They had made it through the door on their end. Tali had gotten safely through the vent, firing her shotgun to help cover them. And maybe Legion and I could have waited—if not for the larger group of Collectors honing in on us. We took cover behind a nearby wall. Legion switched to its assault rifle, shooting the nearest enemies in our path. But it couldn't keep this up forever.

I updated the team: "We're in position! The enemy's closing in! We need this door open, now!"

Aria ordered Tali, "You heard her! Go, we'll cover you!"

"Something's wrong!" cried Tali, trying to breach the lock. "The door's stuck!"

Sudden blasts of explosions burst out near me. Disoriented, I grabbed my pistol anyway. I helped Legion as best as I could. The Collectors had gotten too close for me to snipe at; too near for me to hide from. They pushed and pushed this line back against us. We couldn't hold the line anymore. We couldn't.

Already the Collectors had my back against this door. Cornered and close to another defeat.

Tali had already made her promises to me.

She wasn't about to break them this easily.

She got the door open for us.

Immediately through the width of the entrance, suppressive fire burst out at the troopers behind me. Aria's team gave enough cover for Legion and me to rush through. We hurried inside, soon turning to shoot back at them again. Backing away, backing in, I fired out at the saturated halo shining in from outside. Somewhere out there, the black hole watched us, watched my team decimating the Collectors to protect me. Because my shields nearly gave out. The smallest scuffs of enemy fire came close to shutting me down. Much closer, I felt Aria's hand against my shoulder. She gripped me with one hand, directing me farther inside; she used her other to keep a biotic field up, deflecting the harshest gunfire from outside. And then the door shuttered, locking us in, locking a temporary safety for our group.

Jack, EDI, Liara, and Samara took a breath. Tali stayed knelt by the door's controls.

Aria took the deepest inhale. She closed her eyes for a moment, still gripping me. I knew she wanted to give me a stern reminder. Just like Kasumi, I wasn't built for this. No such thing as holding the line with me. I couldn't be anywhere near the line, at all. Not even for something as simple as suppressive fire.

Only once she found this acceptance in my eyes did Aria loosen her grip.

I still remembered to say, "Nice work, Tali. I knew you wouldn't let me down."

Tali breathed out, "Shepard, that was too close… I almost couldn't help you and Legion in time."

Liara and the others looked us over. No doubt they saw what she meant.

If I could've brought a tank like Kaidan with me, he would've bought us some extra time out there.

But, again, we didn't have time to dwell on what-ifs.

"Don't worry about that," I said. "What's done is done. We're here now. Time to move forward."

"All right," settled Tali. She then looked to Legion. "Thank you for helping me back there. With the valves. The heat didn't get a chance to bother me. I really appreciate how quickly you worked."

Legion almost didn't know what to say. "We will continue optimizing performance accordingly."

"Yes, I hope you do."

Liara got my attention: "Commander, this central chamber… Isn't this the area where they took you?"

The impossibly tall space. Those endless tubes veining up to the golden light above. Those pods against the wall near the ground. I definitely remembered this place. Aria had managed to wake me up here. I had gotten rid of those two Collectors and ran out through the vent. As my team looked around, we found the bleakness of my possible fate. How no one else occupied those chambers. No other humans. None of the colonists the Collectors had abducted before from Horizon. No one at all. They'd already been processed through those giant tubes. Just as I would have been if I hadn't woken up and escaped.

As much as I hated the sight, these tubes did give us something to work with.

"EDI, can you get any readings on where these things lead?"

"Yes," said EDI. "They all lead into the main control room right above us. The route is blocked by another security door. There is also another chamber parallel to this one. However, I cannot recommend taking this route. Thermal emissions suggest the chamber is overrun with seeker swarms. Mordin's countermeasure cannot protect you and our organic teammates. Not against so many at once."

"What about biotics?" I asked. "Could we create a biotic field to keep them from getting near us?"

Samara replied, "Yes, I think it may be possible. Our team is small enough to protect all at once. So long as we stay close together within the field's reach."

Jack asked, "Any clue how long the walk's gonna be? If that route's short enough, it should be a breeze."

EDI supplied, "It will be a long walk. The route is populated by a number of enemy units. There are several Scions and Praetorians, none of which we are equipped to handle as a group. The Possessed Abominations are also capable of breaching our defenses. I fear they will quickly overwhelm us."

Aria pointed out, "Not if we point our strongest glass cannon at them. As long as we keep her safe."

She meant me.

Tali agreed with her. "That makes sense. Pick one person to put up the biotic field. Then we can all huddle around Shepard. She can deal with the worst in our way. We'll do our best to clean up the rest."

Liara prompted me, "Who should keep up the biotic field? I believe any of us could do it."

My sight never wavered from her. Liara specifically. Even though I knew the others would've made a fine choice. Jack had been working on her stamina, and I figured she wanted to prove herself—yet it wasn't a make-or-break situation like with Tali. Samara and Aria had that power about them. Liara did look a little startled the longer I went without breaking eye contact with her. But she felt like the best choice to me. She had protected everyone before on the way here. Naturally, I wanted to keep with the theme.

"It's your turn, Liara. I want you to protect us with the field."

Liara gave me her resolve nonetheless. "On your order, Shepard."

"With everyone together in one group, we won't have any diversions this time. Legion and I will focus on the threats out in the distance. The Praetorians and Scions are my priorities. Aria, Samara—I need you two to deal with any of the other units in medium-range. Anything that's about to get too close to us."

Legion accepted, "Understood."

"Right, I'm on it," responded Aria.

"Understood, Commander," obliged Samara.

"EDI, Jack, and Tali—that leaves you to handle anything close-range. Whatever's too close for comfort. I'm imagining those husks and abominations causing problems. Keep your shotguns out; get it done."

EDI replied, "I will."

"Got it," said Jack.

Tali answered, "Okay, will do."

"Let's move out. This'll be a long walk, like EDI said. Get yourselves prepared on the way there."

I led my team up to this next route.

From the moment we arrived, we spotted that thick flickering of those seeker swarms shadowing the space. Liara conjured her biotic field for us, holding the large sphere up with one hand. That biotic blue glow shadowed her five fingers, lighting the way forward for us as we went. Samara stayed nearest to her at the fore, keeping an eye out for any hostiles. Aria shored up our six, vigilant for anything flanking us from behind. Jack kept to the left side, and EDI on the right. Legion remained just nearby.

I stayed in the very center with Tali. The team had collectively agreed to keep us in this position. Whether I liked it or not, I was the least durable person in the group, with Tali as a close second. She had her shotgun drawn, and I had my sniper rifle.

Tali asked me, "How are you doing, Shepard? Did you sustain any injuries from earlier?"

"I'm all right, Tali. I should warn you, though. Once I start shooting, you might feel the kickback from my rifle. It's pretty intense."

"Oh, I know. I'm already preparing myself for it. I should be fine."

"Good to know," I approved. "Liara? You holding out so far?"

"Yes, Commander," said Liara. "My energy reserves are perfectly fine—for the moment. I'd just like to give a friendly reminder to everyone. Please be sure to stay within the field. As EDI said, Mordin's countermeasure won't be enough to protect us from the sheer amount of seeker swarms out there."

Farther through the dark; those swarms had already started buzzing against the semi-transparent field.

The environment we passed through looked as normal, sequestered only by Liara's biotic powers.

Then the swarms swarmed our path from mere seconds ago, as this constant threat from all directions.

"Yeah, no shit," scoffed Jack. "It's like a bunch of bugs getting slammed into the windshield of a car. Except they're way more dangerous than stupid bugs. So don't be an idiot and go outside—got it."

Up ahead, Samara announced, "I hear the enemy. They are not far around the next corner."

"Better get ready," warned Aria from behind me. "Protect the commander at all costs. I don't want a single scratch on her. Understood?"

EDI complied, "Very well, Aria."

Several Collectors flew down from the air, those frenzied, flitting wings an ill-fitting light in the darkness.

Joining in that light, Harbinger possessed one of the captains, transforming it with that familiar gold. The depths of Harbinger's voice, "ASSUMING CONTROL," followed alongside the possession, eternally irritating. I sniped the nuisance down in seconds. Once the fighting picked up, with Samara and Aria raging against the group out there, and Liara protecting us onward, I remembered Horizon. I recalled my distaste from that mission: my strong desire to assume direct control of Harbinger then, sending it straight into the sun. As I dealt with these possessed units, my hatreds had only grown since then.

The sheer strength of Liara's biotic bubble kept the enemy's projectiles from getting through to us. I didn't have to tell her when to stop and when to keep going. She knew when and where to take cover as needed. Aria and Samara flexed their own biotics in the near distance, obliterating most of the units nearby. Legion helped me deal with the main threats in the distance—especially those Scions trying to snipe at us. Jack raged her shockwaves at the husks and abominations rushing our flanks. EDI did the same on her side, blasting the cold tech of her snap freezes instead. That chill kept the Possessed Abominations from exploding; meanwhile, every other shockwave from Jack sent one of those things flying, detonating as it died in a loudened mist of heat. Those huge detonations did hit the other Collectors in rounds of friendly fire, helping our fight. We just needed to keep those things far, far away.

As soon as I shot down another Harbinger-possessed captain, a worrying sound reached my ears.

Liara had started groaning in fatigue. She'd hunched over slightly where she stood in cover.

My first instinct was to get Aria, Samara, or Jack to put up the biotic field instead, giving Liara a chance to rest. But we had no room for that. Not with the enemy throwing this much fire at us. We couldn't afford to stop our attack for anything. Not even to switch up our roles. Liara wouldn't have been able to match the others' firepower, either. Not under these circumstances; not with her this tired already.

I ordered Tali, "Get to Liara. She's not looking good. See if you can talk her through this."

"Okay, Shepard!"

Tali hurried over to support her.

Once Liara started nodding, listening to her, I breathed out in relief. She could hold out for a while.

We moved forward once we could, with Liara keeping herself going. Still hunched over and walking a little slower. Yet she pressed through her pain, her fatigue. She protected us through these perverted Prothean ruins, littered with the Collector corpses we left in our wake. Out in front of her, the absolute might of Samara's biotic powers blasted across this unbearable darkness. Out behind her, Aria did the same as a force of nature. Legion, Jack, and EDI helped me bring down this blight on everything else.

Somewhere in the distance, I spotted a brighter light. A metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel: the width of a door wide open, down at the bottom of an incline.

"Liara, keep holding!" I called out to her, still shooting. "You see the exit down there?"

Liara forced herself to press on. "Yes, I see it… I just—need to get us there."

Right as she started heading down this slope, our worst trouble suddenly found us.

Too many Praetorians flew overhead, headed this way. Their screeching sounded up in the air; the unnatural lights from their rounded blue eyes shone through the dark. I shot at them, instinctively. I could only take those carapaces down one at a time. And only with my utmost concentration. Aria and Samara couldn't reach. They kept coming, and Liara couldn't move fast enough for us to outrun them.

I asked, "Legion, can you pierce these things with your Widow?"

Legion regretted admitting, "We lack the necessary enhancements to kill the Praetorians. Our shots are ineffective."

Aria still couldn't reach. "Damnit, they're too far from us! I can't get my powers up there!"

EDI warned, "The Praetorians are preparing their lasers! Brace for incoming attack!"

"Liara!" bellowed Samara. "You'll need to fortify the field! The commander is most vulnerable!"

I turned around in a near-panic. Liara had her back to me, bolstering her fortifications. I could only look to Tali for some kind of reassurance, some kind of read on Liara's remaining stamina. Tali simply nodded to me. Samara knew to give the perfect justification for Liara to give it her all. She'd made this about me.

In the light of that open door, Liara rooted herself to the ground. She extended her arms higher, stronger. She held her own against the countless beams beating down on us. She screamed in pain—mental pain, physical pain, and maybe even emotional—but Liara held on. She endured this crashing, clashing of forces against her own. Those white-blue lasers crashed against her protections and fizzled out, right above my head. I found an opening to fight back. I kept shooting. I sniped those flying terrors out of the sky. One-by-one. The lasers lessened. The enemies' remains fell from the sky, cresting down as stardust to the darkened ravine below. All the while, Liara kept inching us forward, closer to the door.

If she could hold her biotic field against a simulated Reaper, Liara could definitely hold on for this.

Jack hyped her up, "C'mon, Blue! You got this! We're almost there!"

"Keep pushing, Liara!" I told her. "Don't stop! I need you to get us through!"

Meeting my expectations, exceeding them—Liara got us to the door. She made it to the end. We all rushed through the doorway. Those seeker swarms rushed hardest around Liara's biotic field. Even more enemies charged from the distance, running down the slope toward us. Spent and exhausted, Liara still didn't need our covering fire. She faced the final threats out there, giving this final push. She sent out a shockwave of her strength, electrifying the whole space up above, torching every last enemy, just as we closed the door to our next safety.

EDI and Legion worked to seal the door, ensuring this safety of ours. We had a few moments to breathe.

I holstered my sniper rifle, watching as Tali eased Liara to the ground, holding her best friend in comfort.

"You got us through," praised Tali. "I knew you could do it."

Jack gave her a thumbs-up. "That was some boss shit back there, Liara. No way I would've made it."

I knelt at Liara's side, opposite Tali, retrieving my canteen of juice strapped to my armor.

"Here," I said, offering it to her. "Drink this. I brought it just in case."

I eased the opened canteen to her lips. Liara smiled weakly as she smelled the juice.

"Raspberry-flavored," she mumbled in nostalgia. "Just like old times. Back when we first met."

"Yeah, I remembered."

Smiling more, Liara brought her trembling hands beneath mine, tipping the canteen upward to drink. I could practically feel her heated palms against my armor: that heat from her physical exertions, nearly tasking her to capacity. As she drank the juice, I knew Liara would be all right. Her breathing steadily returned to normal. She relaxed a little more in Tali's hold. The natural shine returned to her eyes, too.

Aria and Samara both regarded Liara in fondness and respect. Only a fraction of their ages, and she could keep up with them and more. No doubt she'd proven herself as exceptionally exceptional for us.

Once Liara replenished enough of her energy, Tali and I helped her stand up.

She made sure to reassure me, "I am ready, Commander."

I clapped my hand over Liara's shoulder. She found this approval in my eyes; she found the utmost strength from it. I trusted she would be just fine for the rest of the mission.

I looked around this next chamber we'd arrived to. I stood atop a platform, gazing out to the distance. This long stretch of space glimmered from a false sunlight beaming outside. This airborne path seemed to lead somewhere. Likely to the place we needed to go next. I couldn't imagine what awaited there.

Our final destination should've been accessible from here.

"EDI, what's our next step? This looks like the home stretch."

"It is," she confirmed. "These platforms lead to the main control console. From there, we can overload the system and destroy the base."

Legion informed me, "Shepard-Commander, hostiles have gathered outside this door. The Collectors are attempting to unseal the locks in place. Approximate time remaining: six minutes and seven seconds."

"Not much time, then," I figured, glancing at my team just below. "A rearguard could defend this position and keep the Collectors from overwhelming us. Except we don't have the numbers for me to pick and choose. I need most of you to stay together. I can't take that many of you with me to the end."

Aria had already sensed my thoughts, asking me, "Are you seriously considering going by yourself?"

"That depends," I replied. "EDI, are you picking up any hostile signatures at the main console?"

"Yes, there are several," answered EDI. "Including one significantly large foe…except it appears inactive. I am unable to pinpoint the nature of this unknown enemy. I would need to get closer in order to analyze it more accurately. Additionally, the Collectors surrounding the main control console have no interest in defending the base. They have likely been ordered to remain stationed where they are."

"So they're not on high-alert. Not right now. That could change at any moment, though."

"Correct."

Tali insisted, "Shepard, I still think you should bring someone with you. Of course you're the best infiltrator in the galaxy. You can sneak through anywhere. But what if the Collectors switch to high-alert? You could end up in trouble. This doesn't have to be a repeat of the Conduit and the Citadel."

Liara disagreed. "I am not sure about that, Tali. We should trust in Shepard's abilities more. If she feels it is best to go alone, then we will have to accept that. You've seen the Collectors out there. Their numbers are staggering. And they are all outside this door, mere minutes from attacking us. We made it this far thanks to Shepard's strength as a sniper. We will need all the help we can get while she is gone."

The rest of the team appeared torn, not knowing which side to agree with.

They simply looked up at me on this platform, trusting whichever decision I chose to make.

I immediately ruled out bringing Jack, Samara, Liara, and Aria. I needed our powerful biotics to stay together. I needed them to protect each other, as well as everyone else who stayed behind. I could not, would not sacrifice the defenses of the remaining team, just to have some biotic-muscle on my side. And I refused this, even as I remembered my near-defeat toward the beginning of our assault on the base. Before that, too, when the Collectors had abducted me. This situation would be different. I could actually rely on my stealth this time. So I really couldn't equate the two. I couldn't let my apprehensions poison my decision.

I couldn't let fear compromise who I was.

In this same vein, I had to leave Legion with the rest of the group. Our second-best sniper next to me. They needed at least one person to deal with anything at long-range.

I couldn't bring Tali, either. She'd given great support to Liara earlier. I wanted to keep her in that role. And even if I did bring her with me, I couldn't keep her safe on my own.

That left EDI as the only possible candidate to bring with me… She even had her tactical cloak to join me in stealth. But as the opposite of Legion, she worked incredibly well in close-range combat. That snap freeze of hers could shut down any unarmored enemies. She had unlimited energy as a synthetic. I didn't have to worry about her or Legion getting tired. The team would need to lean on them both.

That only gave me one choice.

"I'm going alone," I announced. "I need each and every one of you to stay here. Keep an eye out for one another. Cover my back until I return. I can handle any sudden changes with the Collectors out there. I'll move as quickly as I can to overload the base. Then we'll all make a run for it back to the Normandy."

Everyone made their peace with my decision.

They trusted my judgment. They trusted my command. They set aside their personal feelings for this.

I thought against filming any footage with my optical camera. I needed the team to focus on defense.

"Aria, I'm putting you in charge again. Keep the team together. No casualties. Am I clear?"

Aria swore her solemn promise: "Crystal clear, Commander."

"Tali, since Mordin's not with us, I need you to be our medic. Keep your stock of medi-gel close by."

"Will do, Shepard," vowed Tali.

"The rest of you know what to do. Follow Aria's orders. Hold this position until I get back. Time's running out, so I have to get going. We all know what's at stake. Let's get this done. That's all there is to it."

Simple and clean and to-the-point. And right on time:

The Collectors breached the door. The rest of my team rushed to push them back, to hold this new line. I disappeared to stealth alone, this platform beneath my feet taking me away, toward my destination. This large floating device whirred through the air, only this slight downward slope. Down toward the heart of this base. Down toward whatever it was the Collectors had to guard over there: where all those tubes converged, meeting at the end of this next wide open tunnel. Only the lights of this oddly scenic scene found me, glimmering against the transparency of my cloak. There lights sunlit the same my own eyes, fooling me into finding beauty in this sight. Yet I really only saw more and more perversions around me. Perversions of my memory of Ilos: that ethereal, everlasting light that had permeated the place. Now ruined further by more platforms coming this way, each carrying unsuspecting Collectors.

I couldn't proceed without catching a ride from those other platforms.

The one I stood on now, stopped. It connected with another one, carrying a group of enemies there.

They simply seemed to be on patrol duty. They didn't seem to expect any of my team to have made it this far. So I found a space on the platform far enough away from the Collectors. I knelt in place, inconspicuous, and watched them. I watched and watched as this next platform whirred farther to where I needed to go. The Collectors themselves stayed clustered in the middle of this moving, sturdy, shapely hexagonal floor. Harbinger had left these lackeys alone, seeing no reason to possess them. Not unless it could see me, too. Listening to the radio chatter from my team, none of them reported having to deal with any possessed units. One less thing to worry about, but something else to wonder over.

Each shape of these additional platforms created a bridge for me to walk across.

Completely calm.

Completely silent.

Completely undetectable.

I had found my temporary nirvana, setting all else aside for this. I found an even greater forced peace, finding this console at the last platform. I activated the console, riding this last platform all the way across. I thought to ask EDI for guidance; for her readings on whatever awaited. I wanted her to focus on the battle in front of her. I opened up my omni-tool instead, seeing what I could find out on my own.

These tubes all around fed into some kind of super-structure. Definitely inactive like EDI had said before.

Once I crossed the threshold, the platform brought me to this horrible sight up above.

Massive, skeletal in appearance, and hanging from the ceiling in a crucifixion—the image of a fleshless human-shaped structure stared down at me. Hollow, synthetic, and organic, this thing could've been a massive weapon. Or a defensive system. Or both. Whatever it was, the Collectors hadn't finished it. Its limbs hung in half-completed states: missing arms and hands, and a missing waist beneath the skeletal-metallic torso. All the light in this room shined down from atop this structure's skull, entirely menacing.

Given how many humans the Collectors had processed, and pumped into this structure, I had to guess…this was a Reaper. A human Reaper. And given the Collectors' plans to process me, they would've sent my remains in there. Along with the hundreds of thousands of colonists they'd taken over time.

When my platform arrived to the ones nearest this structure, nothing happened.

That giant thing didn't react to my presence at all.

Nothing activated. Nothing changed. Nothing lit up to acknowledge me.

Even if I wasn't cloaked, I had a feeling this human Reaper still wouldn't have reacted.

Was I supposed to be the missing piece to this abomination…?

I must've been. The few Collectors in the area—they just stared up at this structure. As if they should've been working on it. Yet without me as the final piece, they had nothing to do. No orders to follow as Harbinger's indoctrinated puppets. They had no reason to notice me over here, either. I could do what I needed to do without attracting any attention. Even if I did hate that Reaper staring down at me.

But first, I checked in with Aria: "Shepard to ground team. Report."

"We're holding, Commander," she relayed. "It's strange. Harbinger isn't sending its possessed units at us. This fight's more manageable without them. But I have to say, things might not have been this easy if you'd taken someone with you. So you did make the right choice. How much more time do you need?"

"I'm almost done here. Get to the Normandy. I'm about to overload this place and blow it sky-high."

"…you don't need us to wait for you?"

Kneeling down on the platform, I pulled out the main control console.

Overloading these critical systems, I stared up at the human Reaper. I knew that monstrosity would wind up destroyed from the blast. I almost wished I could've destroyed it myself, but I didn't have time for that. We could kill two birds with one stone this way.

"No, Aria. Don't wait for me. Get going. I'll catch up. You know I will." Aria went quiet at that. Too quiet. I didn't have to play guessing games to figure out why. "I gave you an order. Tell the team to move out."

During her ongoing silence, I finished with this overload.

I understood her intentions. I understood why she refused to follow my order.

She had sacrificed the team and the Normandy to get to me. She had placed herself in harm's way, getting this far for me. She had thrown away the life she once knew, all to follow me as a member of my team. So of course, Aria wasn't about to compromise all of that by possibly leaving me behind.

"Aria. You're not listening to me."

Deep breath, deep breath.

Her emotions.

Stalling.

"…are you on your way back now?"

I stepped onto the necessary platform, returning where I'd come from.

"Yes. You and the team need to go. Get a headstart. I will catch up with you. You have to trust me."

"All right. I'm rounding everyone up now. We'll make our retreat. I'd better see you on the way out."

"You will," I promised, riding this platform through the light. "Nothing's stopping me from getting home to you. Not this time. Now hustle and get back to the ship. Get it done."

Making landfall, I sprinted in my team's wake.

I followed the sounds of the Collectors trying to hurry after them, trying to catch up. I had infused the spirit of Icarus into my people. They ran and ran up ahead. They rushed down these paths as their lives depended on it; as mine did. Wholly in truth and not in metaphor. Completely real, and nothing could stop us. Nothing. Not the Collectors shooting after us in vain. Not the gatherings of seeker swarms collecting, chasing after us. Not Harbinger's useless taunts and threats filling our ears for the last time:

"Human, you've changed nothing. You have the attention of those infinitely your greater. That which you know as Reapers are your salvation through destruction. Even should you ever ascend to my mind, your weakness will prevail. Your deepest desires laid bare. You will fall, Shepard. The void will consume you."

Uncloaked, perfectly visible—I caught up to my people in no time at all.

Everyone—Aria, Liara, Legion, Tali, Samara, EDI, and Jack. Each of them living, breathing, running.

Seeing me behind them, purposely behind, rallying: I rallied and rallied, rushing them onward, pushing them forward. This second wind helped them run faster. This third and fourth and infinite wind filled their lungs. This last memory of the Collectors, close to destruction, hurried us to the Normandy.

Joker had emerged from the airlock, armed with a rifle. He shot the necessary covering fire behind us. The few Collectors on our tail fell to his shots. The ones farther behind fell to the explosions from the base, from the system overload, already. Still in the back of the group, on purpose, I hurried along those nearest to me. I pressed my hand to Tali's back, giving her this extra momentum. She pushed ahead to the front, jumping aboard the ship. EDI and Legion followed her. I hurried Liara along next. Then Jack and Samara. Then Aria last, even as the base's destruction shuttered off my path. I made the jump across the space in my way. I pushed myself. Pushing with this last drop. This last of my tolerance, the last of my forbearance for this absolute madness. The madness of this suicide mission. The madness of the madness I had put myself through, going mad all for my team. All for the people surrounding me—and not for myself. All to make this last jump back onto my ship, back to safety. Back inside the airlock. The Normandy took off, taking us back out through the Omega 4 Relay. On our way home at last—mission accomplished.

Because if this had only been about me…I wouldn't have woken up.

I would have given up.

I would have allowed the Collectors to harvest me, ending this time of mine to another game over.

Harbinger finally went silent.

Completely silent as the Collector base detonated, flaming in the saturation so close to that black hole.

Releasing control. The Collectors meant nothing. Dead and gone.

Releasing control…sounded tempting to me. As tempting as possibly staying asleep forevermore. Allowing that void to consume me. Yet I could never allow myself to sin like that. I could never give in. I could never listen to those devils, those demons in my mind. I had to press onward. This madness lived on as me.

Because I could be nothing less.

I could never release my own control.

I could never…do what I wanted. I always had to think of others. I always had to put them first.

My honor and my chivalry. I remembered these as I navigated the tattered state of the Normandy. I remembered these as I went to the cargo hold. I held them close as I held these memories of the fallen, there in their pods, awaiting a proper burial. Javik and Zaeed had given their lives for this mission. I would make sure the Alliance recognized their sacrifice. As for other sacrifices—Miranda and the Illusive Man, self-serving; James and his tangential selfishness; and even Thane and his son Kolyat, their misunderstandings with me—these didn't fit the mold. Miranda and her boss had turned their backs on me. They'd made me. They had brought me back from the dead. None of that mattered anymore. Not with the rest of my team surrounding me, getting the Normandy back into shape. Oblivious to how I felt.

Drifting aimlessly through space, my ship had seen better days. So many blasts through the hull, exposing the ethereal glow of the kinetic barrier. That barrier kept the Normandy together, piecemeal. Much how I felt after this ordeal. My crew and my team worked to cover up those scars and gashes. I played this part of looking strong for them. They respected me infinitely more as their hero now.

The center of the universe.

Even with the Reapers and their imminent arrival toward the end of the year. Even knowing that I carried the weight of this galaxy on my shoulders. None of them could see past my control. None of them could see how this suicide mission had taken its toll on me. Somewhere out there, the Reapers all converged on my location, hell-bent on exposing these flaws of mine. Somewhere out in dark space, past this starlight shining down on me, those hordes hurried on their way. Harbinger led them onward, refusing to let me rest for long. Those metropolises of ego and consciousness traveled toward our galaxy anyway, intent on destruction.

My truest companion would hopefully see me through.

Knowing all that I had lost, could I count on you?

Such a crushing question with an equally-crushing, unknown answer. Partly because of what it meant.

The millennia of this madness had only just begun.