"The Ewer Brimmeth" (Old Sharlayan Day Theme) from Final Fantasy XIV: Endwalker

LXVIII. Insomnia – Commander Voidpunk

(Shepard)

Sometime after escaping the Omega 4 Relay, I set a course for Illium.

We reached the asari colony on the edge of the Terminus Systems.

I allowed Miranda to leave the ship. She gathered all her belongings from her room. But I didn't allow her to simply make that walk of shame down the bridge and out the door. I volunteered to carry Miranda's belongings for her. Because I felt something of her. Something ominous, something terrible. I couldn't allow her to stay on with us for the next mission. I also couldn't allow her to go on, thinking that I had stopped caring. Aria, Tali, and Liara all disapproved. They basically wanted me to kick Miranda to the curb. They wanted me to flip that switch; to all but toss her out the airlock and leave her behind.

I couldn't do that.

I just couldn't do it.

I chose not to wear my Alliance uniform, either. I wore one of my usual, regular outfits instead. Normal.

My unyielding sense of honor led me to walking alongside Miranda through the colony. Past the marketplace. On our way to the nearest rapid transit station. All while I carried her belongings. Everything of hers that couldn't fit in her holo-closet. Everything that had existed in that office of hers, hers no more. Miranda stayed close by to me. Walking slowly. She couldn't match my long strides, normally, but this felt much slower today. Much slower than I remembered us walking together before. Miranda kept her head down. She wouldn't say anything. She wouldn't look up at the view around us: the perpetual twilight of Nos Astra's sights, the brights of the scarlet skies, the lengths of violet towers.

We eventually reached the tower of her apartment complex, looming over the nearby buildings. Through the lobby, and up the elevator we went to the 60th floor.

Something of Miranda's sorrows changed by the time we arrived to her front door.

I didn't step inside her apartment. I only handed Miranda her belongings. She thanked me, setting everything down on the floor, out of sight. Then she spent a few moments staring up at me in silence.

I glanced at her kitchen behind her. Those bottles of bourbon on the counter.

Clenching down on my jaw, I asked her, "Will you be okay?"

Miranda actually smiled a bit. "Yes, Shepard. I'll be fine." She watched me glancing at those bottles again. "I already know what you're thinking. But I've done my fair share of thinking on the way here. I might've given into that despair…if you hadn't done this for me. If you chose not to be such a gentleman—one last time. Your choices truly speak to your humanity, Commander. I admire that."

I sensed an unusual determination brimming through her, blazing in her eyes as fire and brimstone.

She had a plan. A definitive plan. A plan to do what, I didn't know.

Whatever she'd decided on, this plan of hers would keep her alive. Nothing else mattered.

Too curious for my own good, I tried prodding, "What'll you be up to until the war starts?"

"The usual," she chatted, oddly pleasant. "You remember my old contact, Tela Vasir. The asari Spectre who helped us find Thane and Samara here on Illium. Before Mars happened, Vasir emailed me. She mentioned recruiting me for a special line of work. I hadn't considered her offer before. I'm taking it now. It'll be just like old times for us both, working together again. I intend to make the most of it."

This time I glanced at her uniform. "…what about Cerberus? Are you done with them?"

No response.

Miranda simply gave me an unassuming look. Blank, stoic. Betraying nothing of her thoughts, her plans.

I remembered thinking I wanted Miranda to find her sense of purpose again. Away from me.

Apparently, she had found it already. Except the actual details seemed to be none of my business.

Not yet.

I knew it was a big deal once Miranda extended her arms out to me, asking, "Aren't you going to say goodbye to me, Shepard?" She didn't want to linger. She didn't want to mope. She wanted to get a move-on already. My confusions only kept Miranda from getting down to business, separate from me.

Leaning down to her, I didn't want to let this moment pass me by.

I wrapped Miranda into my arms. I held her, knowing this likely wouldn't be the last time. Nor would it be the last time we saw one another, for that matter. Miranda and I both seemed to know this. Despite those words I probably shouldn't have said—about never wanting to see her again—I still knew better. This fabric of our futures interwoven: it stuck to me, just as I kept Miranda in my arms, maybe overlong. I felt her smile of gratitude against my shoulder anyway. Even after everything she had put me through, I couldn't quite let her go. Not emotionally. Not now. Now that we wouldn't see each other every day aboard the Normandy or elsewhere. Still, I could hold on to her if it meant she would hold on to her life.

"Shepard," she murmured to me, stroking my back in comfort. "I know it isn't much… But if you ever happen to be in town, you'll have full access to my apartment. And my car as well in the building's garage. Even if I'm not here, you can come and go as you please. It's the least I can do for you."

I didn't mean for this single emotion of mine to slip down my face.

Right away it dried itself in the pampered, shimmering darkness of Miranda's hair, remembered there.

"All right," I said, trying to sound normal. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

Once I pulled away, Miranda found this remembrance over my skin. Smiling gently, she brought her gloved hand to my face. She brushed away this wet streak down my complexion reddened in embarrassment. The rest of my team would've probably thought me weak for doing this. Except they couldn't see me right now, thankfully. I would have regretted too much if I hadn't done this. Maybe Miranda knew that, empowering the serenity of her smile. We at least had this last thing to share.

Then she said to me, "You're an angel, you know that?" I didn't know. Miranda laughed to herself anyway. "I really do want you to know. From here on out, even if our goals don't always align, I need you to understand. Everything I do is for you, Shepard. I might have failed at this recently. You may have told me there's nothing I can do to make things right. I'm aiming to prove you wrong. It's all I have left. I will always protect you. I'll always take care of you. In any way I can. No matter how futile it may seem."

That did sound futile to me. And yet, I couldn't take this away from her. This hope she had found.

I simply told her instead, "Okay. If that's what you need to do. I won't stop you." She smiled again, radiant; taking in all the inspiration she could from me. "I should go. Take care of yourself, Miranda."

"I certainly will. I'll see you around, Commander."

Again, in defiance of those words I regretted, Miranda knew. She knew our goodbye was only for now.

Just like she knew to do: patting this specific part of my chest. Ever so knowing, Miranda set her hand over my shirt. This collection of my dog tags. The rings I still had secured there, hanging from my chain. She must have felt those shapes while I'd held her. But this joyful glint in her eyes… It felt to me like she knew exactly what they were. So she found herself overjoyed, learning that I had kept them on me.

Was she the one who'd mailed these to me back home…?

Had she tracked these family heirlooms down from France, and decided to send them to my apartment?

Miranda had to know I wasn't going to propose to her. Why would she do something like this?

Whatever her mysteries, this lingering smile over Miranda's face told me enough. She had no plans to answer my obvious concerns, just as I had no plans to ask her to marry me. We both seemed to find our peace with this outcome. And so I made my way back down the hall; she watched me as I went, until I disappeared around the corner. Only then did I hear her door close. Yet even once I rode this elevator back down to the lobby, these many questions continued to flit about my head and my heart both. Flying and flying, soaring and soaring; and I raised my shirt to wipe my face clean, too many more emotions falling from me, diving in deep waters. I made myself dry it all away by the time I returned to the lobby, and back out to Illium's normal day. Such a normal day as this parting nearly tore me in two.

Back aboard the Normandy, I prepared myself for another temporary farewell.

I had Joker set a course for Omega next.

With this lull in between missions, Aria had time now to return to her station. She especially wanted to spend time with Liselle, who was already on her way home to see her. It hadn't occurred to me to ask Aria to stay with me instead. I couldn't ask her now, now that we had already set off for Omega. She deserved to chill out with her daughter for a while. I never wanted to take that chance away from her.

Selfishly, once we reached her station, I felt this tearing again, but for more proximal reasons.

Aria and I hung around in the docking cradle. This manmade space between my ship and her station. We had enough of our privacy here, anyway. Each of Aria's lieutenants—Jarral, Bray, and Ahz—all stood outside, waiting to welcome her back after a mission success. The team had already said their goodbyes to Aria as well. We had this quiet moment to ourselves. Except I didn't know how to make the most of it.

Sensing my struggles, Aria gladly took the lead on this. She relaxed into me. She leaned me back against this makeshift wall behind me. Calm and composed, Aria rested her head along the slope of my shoulder. Every now and then, I'd feel the curl of her smile through the straightened sheet of my hair. This power about her, so subdued for this extra time. These stolen minutes swelling my heart to the sky.

Maybe because Aria and I were the same height: she didn't appear to feel those rings along my dog tags.

Hopefully she would continue not to notice. I still needed more time before I made up my mind on this.

"So," she said after a while. "What's the plan? Are you going straight back home after this?"

"Yes, that is the plan," I replied. "I'm turning the ship in to the Alliance. I've mentioned this I don't know how many times over the months. Finally getting to do it—this feels surreal. It's a good thing, though."

"I can imagine. You've been looking forward to this for a long time. I'm glad we actually made it here."

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll sink in later. Other than catching up with Liselle at home, what'll you be up to?"

Aria sighed from the weight of her responsibilities. "Quite a lot, really. I need to get my fleets ready to defend Omega once the war starts. The Blue Suns, Eclipse, and Blood Pack will have their hands full defending the Terminus Systems as a whole. And then there's our ground forces to prepare. Jarral's already whipped them into shape for me. It's only a matter of ironing out the logistics at this point."

"Sounds like you'll be busy," I noticed.

"Not too busy for you," corrected Aria, smiling more. "You're still free to call me at any time. I'm also giving you my promise now. I'll be back on Earth with you before your birthday. After that, I'll stay with you until the war's on. Then we'll all be off on the Normandy again. I want you to fully relax until then."

"I'll do my best, babe."

"Mmm, I'll hold you to that."

This goodbye-for-now, Aria sealed over my lips, all in such an unexpected sweetness. And this sweet darkness of her laughter humming through my lips. She knew she had taken me aback. Only in joy, and only in satisfaction. We had both unlocked this potential in one another. This potential to just be free.

So it only made sense that I let her go for now. I let Aria go, watching her meet up with her people on Omega's docks. Each of her lieutenants acknowledged me, still standing near the docking tube. I returned their nods and gestures, before returning my attention to my girlfriend. Aloof to the last, Aria refused to get swept up in the moment, even as her people congratulated her. She merely got straight to business, asking for reports and updates and the like. Enraptured, I watched her go, admiring the golden spectacle of lights shining over her from outside the windows. Of course, Aria held onto my admiration as she went. Right as she rounded the corner, she stopped to give me another smile. The purest expression I had ever seen from her. Untainted by the struggles that had cut her into this shape of her strength, so distant and regal. The brightest light from my dark goddess disappearing to Afterlife.

Already I missed her this badly. Badly bruising my heart, beating much slower as my ship took off again.

I spent the whole trip to Earth alone in my private cabin. Alone, thinking about her.

Of course Aria and I had spent time apart before. But never like this. Not after all we'd been through.

By the time the Normandy arrived back home, I couldn't enjoy things as much as I should have.

The Alliance base back in San Diego welcomed us anyway, just as it had the other day. The expanse of the docking bay's kinetic barriers protected us from the weather today. Light drizzling from the warm summer rain pattered against the violet barriers overhead. A faint gloom from the darkened clouds held that rain—maybe as an omen, maybe not. My team and my crew filed out to this day all the same, joining in celebration over our job well done. Though I did notice a gap in the celebratory mood. The members of my team who physically accompanied me during the final assault: they had the biggest glow about them, chatting easily with one another. The ones who didn't join me: they looked noticeably more subdued, staying quiet for the most part. I knew I would have to speak with them soon enough.

For now, most of the team left to the city with my blessing, officially starting their summer vacations. At least until the Normandy's retrofits began in earnest. But I noticed my crew had all stayed behind. The Cerberus crew from my ship. They hovered around the docking bay, moping; looking down and out.

I went up to Engineer Daniels at the fore of the group.

"Hey there, Commander," she mumbled. "Um…well, this is awkward. After everything that happened with Cerberus, we're not sure where we stand now. You're turning the ship in to the Alliance, right?"

"That's right," I confirmed. "We're getting rid of anything to do with Cerberus. It'll be a fresh start."

"D-Does that mean you're getting rid of us, too?"

I looked around at each of my crew. The people who'd manned the bridge, the CIC. Our marine detachment under Kaidan's command. And Gabby herself who'd helped Tali and Legion down in the engine room. I'd never spoken much with them. Yet they'd stayed loyal to me throughout the mission.

I still wanted to know, "Is returning to Cerberus not an option for you all?"

Engineer Daniels scowled darkly, sharing in everyone's sentiments: "Not in a million years, Ma'am. Not after what they did to you. Besides, even if we did want to go back, it's just not possible. The Illusive Man's gone radio silent. No communications from him whatsoever on official channels. There are some weird rumors going around that he's missing these days. No idea what the upper brass are doing, Miranda included. The organization's practically up in flames now. We don't have anywhere to go…"

The decision seemed simple enough.

"Then I want you to stay on with me," I settled. "But only if you're willing to enlist with the Alliance."

"Of course, Commander!" said Daniels, as excited as the rest of the crew. "We'll do whatever it takes!"

"Glad to hear it. Follow me. I'll get you where you need to go."

My people all saluted me in thanks, and then we set off inside the base.

After getting everyone to the correct administrative office, I found another surprise waiting for me.

Councilor Anderson strolled over. My old commanding officer had the proudest smile on his face. He met me here in the doorway of the office, where I had decided to watch over my crew during this initial onboarding process. He didn't look at all surprised that I had made this decision, likely agreeing with me.

"Shepard," he said, offering his hand. "Mission accomplished. I can't express how glad I am to see you."

"Thank you, Sir," I replied, clapping my hand in his larger one. "Didn't expect to find you here, actually. I assumed you'd still be drowning in paperwork on the Citadel."

"You know I had to drop by. All that paperwork can wait. Plus, I was beside myself when the news broke. When we heard the Collectors had stolen you away. Then about half a day later, the whole galaxy sighed in relief once you and your team made it back. You pulled off the impossible, just like we knew you would. Though I understand you suffered a few sacrifices on the way."

"Yes. We lost two of our team while heading through the Omega 4 Relay. Zaeed Massani and the Prothean, Javik. Their pods are waiting on the Normandy. I also had to shake up the chain of command."

Anderson nodded in a solemn understanding. "I'm sorry to hear about your team. We'll make sure their pods get to where they need to go. The Alliance will honor their sacrifice. Since Dr. T'Soni is your XO and second-in-command, we'll coordinate any relevant details through her. And there's Aria T'Loak, too."

"They're both highly-reliable, Sir. We wouldn't have succeeded without their leadership."

"Absolutely, Commander. I look forward to working with both of them in the near-future. Speaking of the future, let's hold off on any briefings about the Reapers. The Alliance has a plan to take them on and defeat them. With you at the tip of the spear. Still, let's put a lid on this for now. After all you've been through, you need some time to rest up and recharge. Why don't we save the rest for another day?"

"That's fine with me, Anderson. I should take your advice. If we brief now, I'll spend this whole time thinking about the war. It's better if I try and relax instead."

"Agreed," he said with a smile. "I'll help out with your crew. We'll get them situated and reassigned to your command aboard the Normandy. Now go on and get back home. You deserve it, Commander."

"Thanks again, Sir. I'll see you around."

I could have left for the monorail. Taken the public transport back home sooner.

Something told me to check on my ship one more time.

When I arrived, I found Tali and Liara talking together, outside on the docking bay. They immediately lit up once they saw me.

"Commander?" asked Liara. "You are still here? We thought you went home already."

"I had to get the crew settled with the Alliance. They had nowhere else to go. I couldn't kick them out."

Tali hummed in amusement. "How generous of you, Shepard. It'll be good to have the same people around. It should make the retrofits go much smoother. I'm already working on getting things started."

"Do you need me for anything?" I asked.

"Not right now. In fact, you really should go home! I'm forbidding you from working any time soon. You've done more than enough. I'm ordering you to get some rest, Captain. Take Liara with you, too."

Liara nearly sputtered, "What? But Tali, I thought—"

"No," scolded Tali. "I want you both to get some R&R. I'll need the next three weeks or so to get the ship to a presentable state. Then you can do a walkthrough while we handle the rest. It'll take months for us to finish everything. So why don't you two head off somewhere? You can come back after three weeks."

"Do you mean taking a vacation?"

"Why not? It could be fun. You can tell me all about it once you return. After three weeks!"

I knew Tali wouldn't budge on this.

So I decided to cooperate with her instead. "All right, Tali. We get your point. I'll give you clearance to freely come and go from the apartment. The front door will unlock for you automatically at any time."

Tali beamed at me. "Thank you, Shepard. I really appreciate it. Now off you go! There's so much to do!"

Accepting my mandated time off, I walked with Liara to the monorail station. I almost didn't know what to do with this freedom. Liara seemed just as clueless as I was. We resigned ourselves to figuring this out together, making our way home beneath the drizzling summer rain.

As soon as we made it to the apartment complex, the rain started pouring down. I'd already had my umbrella equipped, putting it to use during the trek to my neighborhood. Liara and I quickly escaped into the luxury of the building's lobby. She stopped for a moment to marvel over the drenching outside the glass doors. I watched that reflection of her eyes' gaze through the glass, lit up by the chandelier above our heads. For some reason, it just now hit me that we had made it home safely. Just from something as simple as Liara taking the time to admire the rain, when we'd barely had this kind of time before.

Liara also seemed to have something on her mind.

I flicked the rainwater off of my umbrella, and then closed it, holstering it snugly. A few grumpy people hurried in and out of the lobby, caught unawares without an umbrella of their own. They somehow didn't notice Liara and me at all. So when I went up to her, it took Liara a moment to realize it was me.

"It's been a long time," she mused. "Hasn't it?"

I stopped myself from asking what she meant.

She certainly didn't mean the most recent time we were here, from the other day.

The first time I had brought Liara home with me, it was during our first mission. After our shore leave on Thessia, we'd stopped here on Earth for a few more days. I technically hadn't had a girlfriend at the time. Technically. Yet bringing her home with me, sneaking around, almost having sex again—it had felt like cheating to me. I couldn't go through with it. Liara hadn't blamed me at the time. But I still wondered.

"Yes, it has," I agreed, holding my hand out to her. "Come on, Liara. Let's get upstairs."

Liara settled her hand in mine, letting me bring her to the elevator.

Already this quiet found us. Quieter still, the elevator brought us up to the 34th floor. As we passed through the hallway, I opened up my omni-tool. As promised, I gave Tali the necessary permissions to access my apartment whenever she wanted. I did the same for Liara as well. They both deserved it.

Liara gasped in surprise when the front door unlocked and opened for her.

I gestured for her to go ahead first.

She stopped just past the entryway once my VI greeted us, soothing: "Welcome home, Dr. T'Soni. Welcome home, Commander Shepard."

I didn't have to ask why this brought up so many emotions for her.

As the door locked behind us, I pulled Liara into my arms. I gave her this moment, this release. All while the rain continued pouring outside. The motorized sounds of the windows' blinds turned and churned, opening our sight to that pouring. Just as well, Liara nearly did the same to my shirt. Not that I minded.

"I'm sorry, Shepard," she whispered anyway, sniffling. "I never expected to hear those words from your VI. Of course you mentioned doing this for Tali. For some reason, it didn't compute that you would do the same for me. Even though I've wanted this for so long. And now I've gone and ruined your shirt…"

"It's okay," I told her. "Don't worry about it."

"I don't deserve your patience. I am still grateful for your kindness. I should go clean my face and change into something more comfortable. Will you be in the living room? After changing your shirt, I presume."

"I'll be here, yeah. We can watch some TV when you're ready."

Liara smiled up at me. "I'd like that. I'll only be a few minutes."

The lighted gloom from the rainy day had lit my apartment just enough. Enough for me to not bother turning on any lights or anything. In my bedroom, I changed out of my clothes in this lighting, eternally comforted. I really felt at home now, wearing whatever I would usually wear in the privacy of these walls. As I brushed out my hair, I considered the one strangeness left, lingering. Liara and I still needed to talk about this…thing with us. Not an official thing. Not something we'd swept under the rug. Yet a particular thing nonetheless.

I messaged Aria, though, just to let her know I'd made it back to the apartment. She quickly messaged back, letting me know Liselle had arrived to Omega a few minutes ago. We agreed to speak later on.

I also hid away those rings of mine. I removed them from my dog tags, putting them away for safekeeping. The last thing I wanted was for Liara to notice. I knew she would get upset if she saw them.

Then I settled on returning to the living room. I turned on the vid screen, finding that I had left it on the history channel. This time, they showed a documentary on Ancient Greek mythology. I figured Liara would probably like it. I plopped down on the couch, waiting for her to emerge from the guest room—now the room she and Tali shared together as theirs. I glanced over at the kitchen, wondering if I should cook something for us. Liara hadn't seemed all that hungry. I wasn't, either. I still needed to ask her.

Before long, Liara wandered out of her room. She found me here on the couch. I found myself surprised again, seeing her in that black N7 shirt of hers. Last time, this was all she'd had on when I visited her room on the ship. This time, she wore some black leggings, if only to prevent that same shock of mine from before. It took her a moment to settle down next to me. Almost as if she wouldn't let herself relax.

"You hungry or anything?" I asked her.

Liara shook her head, answering, "Not yet. Thank you for asking. Then again, you really shouldn't need to cook for us. Why don't we wait until Tali returns home for the evening? We can order in."

"Sounds good to me."

"Okay, then." Liara watched the vid screen in great interest. "How fascinating. This documentary seems very informative so far. Humans seem to truly admire the Ancient Greek myths. I have heard much about them. This particular god sounds familiar. Isn't he named Apollo, the god of the sun and light?"

"Yeah, he is," I replied. "Apollo represents a few other things, too. Archery, music, healing, and medicine. He's mostly known for the sun."

"His name sounds so familiar… Oh! Apollo's Café on the Presidium! It is a lovely place to enjoy a meal."

The last time I'd eaten there, Miranda had taken me out on a date.

That conversation we'd had about Apollo…

A couple of hours passed as we watched this documentary. And then another about Sol, the Roman personification of the sun. Liara had her simple reasons for absorbing every tidbit of information. She seemed so innocent in her enjoyment, chatting with me about her learning and what I knew already. After a while, I lay down over the couch, still watching the vid screen. Liara stayed nestled in my hold, no doubt adding to her enjoyment of this whole thing. As these hours passed, the rainy night cascaded through the living room. Glowing golds from the city brightened our surroundings, as the screen did—as Sol did, my namesake. I couldn't even remember the last time someone had called me by my first name.

Somewhere far away, I heard a voice. Echoing, reverberating. A faint, faraway voice. So beautiful, ethereal. A woman's singing voice. An aria echoing, reverberating, and resounding with such a brightness of unknowns, like a light shining through the dark. Except I couldn't make out the actual lyrics, the words. This definitely sounded like the asari's native language. Like a water nymph reaching me from those faraway depths. Heavenly, sublime, angelic. Like a motherly goddess healing my wounds.

I could've easily drifted away at any moment, listening to this soothing sound…

Completely oblivious, Liara's translated voice pulled me out of my reverie:

"Shepard," she whispered, as the credits rolled on the screen. "I have been thinking about what Tali said to us. Her suggestion that you and I take a vacation together. Could we really do that?"

"Of course we can, Liara. Let me do some research first. I want to take you someplace you'll enjoy. Not just some random resort or tourist attraction. It has to mean something, you know?"

"That sounds wonderful. Feel free to surprise me."

Aiming to surprise Liara turned out more difficult than I'd expected. I spent these next few days researching, researching, and researching. But nothing caught my eye. Nothing stood out to me. I knew I wanted to take Liara someplace special. Ideally somewhere involving history and academia. Libraries, museums, peaceful parks. Something reminiscent of her home on Thessia. I remembered Peru, how the World Series was supposed to be there later this year. That didn't quite line up with what I had in mind.

I honestly wished I could've turned back time, taking her to Ancient Greece somehow.

In between this ongoing research, I met up with members of my team. I mostly touched base with them, asking if they planned on staying for the next mission, or if they would go their own way instead.

Mordin expressed more guilt about not joining me for the suicide mission. He confided in me that he'd been thinking things over these past couple of days. So he decided he would leave, returning to his work with STG back on Sur'Kesh. He gave vague words about working with something related to the genophage. I didn't want to see anyone go, least of all Mordin, who'd contributed to the success of our mission in his own right. But his decision was also his right. I chose to respect his desire to leave. With the Normandy undergoing repairs and changes, Mordin said he would take another transport back to the salarian homeworld. I wished him well, knowing this wouldn't be the last we saw of one another.

Kaidan received a promotion to Major for his involvement in the mission. But he also felt guilty about this, repeating over and over that he hadn't actually accompanied me for the final assault. He didn't feel that he deserved the promotion, or to even stay on with me as my marine officer. I promised Kaidan that I did want him to stay. This was enough to calm his frazzled nerves. He needed more time to accept how things had turned out. Yet I could expect to see him back aboard the Normandy soon enough.

Jack had no question in her mind about staying. She did want to head back up to Los Angeles soon to visit her mother. Jack asked me about those refugee houses in the Wards on the Citadel. The Council had sectioned off a good deal of housing for the refugees who would eventually flock to the station. Jack wanted to know if I could make sure her mother had a place there—ideally ahead of time, before the rush began. I promised I would ask Councilor Anderson for the favor. She thanked me and headed up north to spend some time with her mother.

Kasumi, meanwhile, had no question in her mind about leaving. She felt terrible about parting ways with Jack and with me. After everything that had happened, Kasumi couldn't justify to herself the cost of staying. She no longer felt like she had a place on the team. Not after losing Javik and Zaeed. And especially knowing that this upcoming war would take us to more open battlefields, and more frontal assaults. Like with Mordin, I respected her decision to leave, hoping we would meet again someday.

Garrus wanted to return to Palaven to spend some time with his father and sister. But he promised he would return in a couple of months or so. He also asked me about moving his family to the refugee housing on the Citadel. I gave my word that his family could move in sooner. He thanked me profusely, letting me know he would be back after helping them move. He planned on joining Joker and Kaidan at that World Series game sometime after my birthday. So I could expect to see him around that time.

Wrex had already emailed me about his plans. He had promised me he would return to the Normandy for the war. Without a doubt, he intended on keeping his promise. Wrex had taken this extra time to solidify his rule of Clan Urdnot on Tuchanka. No concerns about his brother Wreav getting the wrong idea and staging a coup while he was away. I looked forward to seeing him again in the coming months.

Joker, Legion, and EDI had every intention of staying. They each worked with Tali, handling the Normandy's retrofits together. I did wonder faintly if Joker would consider leaving. If not because of his shame over our losses, and possibly EDI as well. But he promised he would continue working on himself throughout this time. He had my encouragement, and so he found enough reasons to stay on with me.

I didn't need to ask Tali to stay. I only wanted to see what else was going on with her. Tali mentioned the admirals from the Migrant Fleet asking her to return. They'd offered to make her an admiral, to replace her father's spot on the Board. She had already declined in favor of staying with me.

Aria and Liara of course wanted to stay as well. I didn't have to formally ask them, either.

I met up with Samara last. She asked me to meet her at a peaceful spot in Balboa Park, a part of my hometown dedicated to gardens, museums, and our city's zoo, the largest on Earth. I found Samara at one of the quiet parks surrounding a few natural history museums. On the way over, I considered bringing Liara here. This place didn't fit the bill for the actual vacation she had asked for. I needed to keep looking.

Meeting up with Samara, I sat down next to her on one of the park's benches. She had changed her skintight outfit—no longer that red, Samara switched things up to pitch black lined with gold. I thought it looked nice on her. I only wondered why she'd decided on this change. She must have had a reason.

"Good day, Shepard," said Samara, eternally pleasant. "Thank you for agreeing to meet me. I have discovered a small paradise within this area. I understand these parks are massive. It is unlikely I will discover all of their secrets within a short time. I am glad to have these extra months to go exploring."

"I'm not surprised you found your way here. Have you just been walking around, or meditating?"

"Yes to both. I have had the pleasure of clearing my mind even further. These verdant paths and cultural settings have opened a great wisdom within me. You could say this location has enlightened me."

I wondered, "Does your enlightenment have anything to do with the mission?"

Samara didn't want to answer me right away. "Before we get to that, there is something I must explain. I have already pledged my loyalties to you. For the record, I am fully-committed to staying on with the team. But I do hold my own personal concerns. I have not seen my surviving daughters in some time."

"Where are your other daughters, then? Back on Thessia?"

"No… Like Morinth, they are ardat-yakshi. Unlike her, they chose to cooperate with the law. They now reside within an ardat-yakshi monastery on one of our distant colonies. Rila and Falere have done quite well for themselves within the monastery. I would like to go and visit them some time during our next mission. I believe it will help me keep things in perspective. If we could make time for such a visit in the future, I would be extremely grateful."

"We can do that," I promised. "Whenever you're ready to visit your daughters, just let me know."

"Thank you, Commander," said Samara with a smile. "As for your previous question, about my enlightenment. I have been reconsidering a thing or two. The last time we spoke, I explained I could tell you nothing of the future. I could give you no warnings, and no clues as to how our story will play out. But as I have spent time here, I'm beginning to notice a possible exception. It is rather confusing."

"An exception? You mean there's something you can tell me?"

"Again, I am not supposed to tell you this. My reasons will become clear soon enough. I understand you are researching possible vacation spots. Someplace you and Liara would both enjoy. I believe I have a recommendation. The place I have in mind, however, is not located on Earth. It is far beyond."

With the Normandy out of commission, I had limited my research to Earth only.

Yet it sounded to me like Samara had something more interesting in mind.

"Then where is this place? And what is it called?"

"The city is called Old Armali. This should give you a few hints. It is located within Insomnia."

"Insomnia?" I repeated. "I thought I couldn't go back there for a while. Isn't it under reconstruction?"

Samara explained, "The main headquarters is still inaccessible, yes. You won't be able to visit that particular building just yet. You should be free to explore elsewhere. As a benefit of the reconstruction, you are no longer limited in how long you can stay in Insomnia. It will be safe for you to stay within the virtual environment for as long as you'd like. It will take quite a while for you to reach Old Armali."

"Old Armali… Is that some older version of Liara's hometown?"

"Yes, it is. I can imagine Liara enjoying the history aspect. The city also holds a number of other secrets for you to discover. But I must warn you. You will not be allowed to reach Old Armali by normal means. The asari matriarchs have no desire for you to learn of their political business in the city. You will need to find a way to sneak in undetected. Now that I have made you aware of Old Armali's existence, the help you need will make itself available to you. You won't need to search for answers on your own."

"Sounds useful," I noted. "Thanks for that. Do you have any other suggestions?"

"I recommend arriving to Insomnia during the afternoon. During this time, Liara's mother, Matriarch Benezia, will be at work, and not at home. Benezia will not notice your activities while she is preoccupied elsewhere. It will be best for her to avoid confronting Liara about your travel plans."

As ominous as Samara's warnings sounded, I took them to heart.

The next day, I asked Liara if she would come to Insomnia with me. I didn't really mention our vacation spot, or even the name Old Armali for that matter. I wanted to surprise her—whenever we arrived, and however we got there. So I used my omni-tool to access the VR game, while Liara simply went back to sleep, dreaming of the world as normal for her. With HQ still under construction, I arrived at Liara's underwater home within the Flotilla, there in her aquamarine-tinted bedroom from before.

"This is rather strange," she commented. "I am not used to being here during the day. Not anymore. It became routine for me to find my mother Benezia arriving home from work."

"Do you know where she works? Or even what she does there?"

Liara went blank.

"…I have no idea. Only that she has never set foot inside Insomnia's headquarters. My mother tended to avoid discussing her work with me. She also did the same while she was still alive. We kept our lives separate. Perhaps that is why I never thought to ask too many questions. It all seemed normal to me."

I didn't want to give specifics, or even any hints about where her mother worked.

Besides, I still had no idea how to get to Old Armali in the first place. Samara had mentioned I wouldn't need to worry about it. I was supposed to find the answer soon—or the answer would instead find me.

A solid few knocks on the bedroom door sounded.

Surprised over the suddenness, Liara went to answer the door.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, blushing and breathless. "Captain! Is that you?!"

I heard that echo of my own voice reply, "Yeah, it's me. Good to see you again, Liara." The captain stepped inside the room, decked out in her Alliance uniform. She also carried a few sets of other clothes folded over her arm. After giving Liara a confident smirk, she nodded to me. "Good to see you, too."

All I could do was smile, at once confused and entertained by this returning novelty.

"Captain," said Liara. "What are those outfits you're carrying? They look rather expensive."

"That's because they are," replied the captain. "By the way. The two of you don't need to call me captain anymore. Not exclusively. We're on better terms than that now. My real name is fine."

Liara brightened over the permission. "As you wish, Sol."

"You must know what's going on," I pointed out. "About taking Liara on vacation somewhere."

"Somewhere, yes," riddled Sol, smirking again. "It'd be simpler to fly to our destination with the car. Except it belongs to Aria now. Even then, it would be too conspicuous to fly. People would spot us too easily. The location we have in mind is on a different continent. We'll have to take a ship overseas."

Liara asked in excitement, "You are coming with us, then?"

"I do have to show you the way, yes. Unless you don't want me around."

"Don't be silly. I would be happy for you to join us. I am mostly curious about this need for secrecy."

"It's complicated," explained Sol. "We're technically not allowed in the city we're going to. I didn't even know about it until the commander learned of its existence. Then I did some research of my own. Something's not right over there. I'd like to go investigate while you two enjoy your vacation together. It'll be best to do this undercover so no one recognizes us. That's what these disguises are for."

Sol handed me my disguise first: something of a different military uniform. Then Liara's. Then she took her own disguise and went in the other room. Liara disappeared inside her bathroom, giving me this privacy alone in the bedroom. I went to her holo-closet, placing these new clothes inside my profile. The information about the uniform automatically named it Allegiance, definitely related to the military. Once I put the outfit on, I stared down at myself in wonder for a long while. Nothing at all to do with the Alliance: an officer's longcoat made of a sturdy, durable, black-blue material, accented with gold down the front. The longboots came up to my knees, and these dark pants fit me like my stealth suit did. This uniform seemed of a different time, of a different era, transporting me vicariously to the past.

Liara had already opened her door, letting me come in and see her. She stared at herself in the mirror in a muted shock. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen Liara wear white. Mostly pure white with the stylish cloth robe she wore, stopping just at her longboots like mine. Such an excruciating detail of the chains over her shoulders, and the hints of biotic blue. Liara looked like a high-society doctor, or maybe a sage of otherworldly knowledge—again, from the past. More than that, she appeared to recognize her sagely clothes, and my uniform, even though they looked foreign to me.

"Liara?" I asked. "You have any idea where these are from? Sol must've picked them for a reason."

"She certainly did… Our garbs do feel familiar to me. I cannot place where I have seen them from."

Sol returned to Liara's room, also dressed appropriately. She had replaced her Alliance uniform with a distinguished scholar's garb similar to Liara's, only darker in color. A masculine fit of a marine medic, she had those medals, chains, and ribbons set over her chest in pride. Apparently, I didn't get the memo about sages and scholars. I felt like the odd one out, dressed as a military officer and not an intellectual.

"Is there a reason why my disguise is different?"

Sol answered in amusement, "You're supposed to be our guard. Our escort. It'll make us more believable. As for the high-society angle, I can't say more. You'll understand when we get there."

Together we left Liara's house within the Flotilla, exiting to the Rayya proper.

Underwater awaited our first submarine transport, which we took to Insomnia's main transportation hub. On the way, Sol mentioned having changed our credentials, preventing anyone's scans from picking out our identities. The Captain and Vice President of Insomnia couldn't just roll up to Old Armali like it was no big deal. So once we arrived to the harbor on this continent's edge, we passed through customs with ease. Our digital passports claimed Old Armali as our proper homes. We boarded the massive ship of steel, setting off across the ocean to the next continent. Due to arrive the next morning, we had time until then.

Liara and I spent the day exploring the ship with Sol: admiring the view from the deck, getting lost below-deck, and getting used to our shared room. Most of the time, Liara wracked her brain, trying to remember where and when she had seen our disguises from. I could assume by now she had learned about them from a few textbooks on Thessia's history. These seemed to me like outfits from a period piece vid about her homeworld. Maybe from a time long ago, before the asari had fully industrialized.

Late into the night, Liara had tired herself out trying to remember. She eventually retreated to our room to get some sleep. Sol had chosen to escort her there. In the meantime, I wandered around the ship some more, making my way back to the main deck. Completely alone now, I leaned against the ship's railing, staring out to the mild roar of the sea. This pitch black of the night held the fine glimmering of the stars up above. Darkened clouds spanned over the horizon, blending to the deep blue of the waters. This calming sound of those waters brushing against the ship: they helped me think, feel, hear.

That music, that aria still played in my head, all as a constant echo, so beautiful. So very beautiful.

The song had grown steadily louder throughout the day, as this ship brought us closer to Old Armali.

This didn't seem so strange to me. Yet I wondered how such an unknown could comfort me like this.

Staring out to this seawater, I found a similar unknown in the depths below. More still in the idea of that void. The void that had recently, formally introduced itself to me. I couldn't explain why I felt so at home in places, with ideas like these. As if my actual home on Earth didn't quite compare. I felt a real sense of belonging like this. Just like this, gazing out to these unfathomable depths that should have scared me.

Disconnected from myself, I almost didn't hear Sol approaching me.

"Hey," she said, joining me at the railing.

"Hey," I said back.

Sol laughed a bit. "This still feels pretty weird. Talking to myself. Except you don't really feel the same."

"That's true," I agreed. "You feel like another person. Separate from me. We have so many different experiences. You see a lot that I don't. Maybe your perceptions made you grow away from me."

"Could be. I just don't think we want the same things. Some things, yes. Not everything."

"Really?" I asked. "How do you know that?"

Sol already knew what had been on my mind before she arrived.

So it made sense once she said, "I can play up a certain persona. Being kind to Liara. Taking care of Tali. At the end of the day, though, I'd much rather be on my own. Aria's the only one who understands this feeling. This alienation, this disconnection. To be honest, I'm seriously fucking tired. I'm exhausted. And I know you are, too. We press on for the sake of the mission. We can't get anything done without other people. We can't thrive on our own, even though isolation is our best survival tactic. Life and other people have beaten and battered this lesson into our head. I'm emotionally exhausted from all of this."

"Then what would you rather do instead?"

"What you found me doing the last time you were here. Chilling at home. Ignoring everyone."

The sad truth: "We're not allowed to do that. Not all the time. There's too much at stake, you know."

"There's nothing at stake when we feel more at home in an unknown void. The galaxy doesn't matter."

Some part of me agreed with her.

Another part of me dared to disagree—"You sound like such a nihilist."

Sol smirked, knowing. "Well, you sound like an apologist. When you dropped off Miranda at home, you chose to be kind to her. Even after everything she did to you. I didn't want you to do that. You went against my better judgment, and you showed her some love one last time. So guess what? She's going to find another way. She's going to worm herself back into your life. Eventually. She's never going to change. Miranda knows she can exploit you, even if it's with the best of intentions. She's a liability."

I challenged, "Are you saying I'm weak for doing what I did? Even though I kept her from killing herself?"

"Basically."

"Then how do you know she's going to exploit me? How do you know she won't change for the better?"

The single repeating point of my longest-held wisdom, repeated back to me:

"We are who we are. People don't change."

Sol also knew I couldn't argue with her. Not against that point.

She went on, "No one ever strays from their worst instincts. No one ever stops their worst behaviors. If they get in trouble, they'll just find another way to keep doing it. Miranda's not the only culprit, either. Liara's the same. She doesn't like suffering your disapproval when she gets too dark, too controlling and too calculating. She covers that up in an effort to keep pleasing you. Tali's the same, too. Your instincts to stay away from her—romantically and sexually—are on the money. She's very demanding. Selfish, petulant. As much of a people-pleaser as you are, she has the power to turn you into a monster. That's all part of the allure with her, isn't it? She won't pull that trigger because she knows she would suffer certain consequences. Tali's found other ways to satisfy her cravings. It's the same for everyone."

I didn't understand why she felt this strongly. "How are you so cynical about these things?"

"I'm not cynical," claimed Sol. "I'm only telling you what you already know. Maybe you think of our name as the sun, and you imagine a benevolent light guiding the way for others. I mainly see it as shining a light on the darkness we don't like. The darkness we don't want to face. Or anything else we would rather sweep under the rug for the sake of convenience. You always try to see the best in people. Then you get crushed once they show you who they really are. And yet none of it ever surprises you."

Then I remembered all of a sudden: "And what about Ashley? Isn't she still living at the apartment with you? Didn't you give her another chance? Why else would you keep her around after what she did?"

"I only kept her around for one reason. Ashley's keeping something from us. Something big. She's disguising it under the veil of 'helping us.' I wanted her to come clean on her own. She chose not to. So I confronted her about it. Ashley decided to lie to my face instead. I kicked her out. She's still the same."

Yeah, I did get that impression when I last spoke to Ash here in Insomnia…

"Okay, fine," I conceded. "We are who we are. People don't change. Doesn't that apply to us, too?"

"We're not people, Shepard. You are not a person. I'm not, either. You and I are not human. You and I are an idea. We are a vessel for others to project their hopes onto. You are a powerful figurehead, a respected commander. That is your 'brand' for them. But in reality, you're too nebulous to pin down."

On some instinctual level, her words made sense to me.

Even if I didn't want to accept them.

Sol gave me her final words on the matter: "When we last spoke, this is why I said what I did. Remember who you are. You are a marine. You're an infiltrator. You're a leader. Despite everything I've told you tonight, this is more important. The act of remembering. Making choices that are consistent with your brand, with your identity. We can't give in to our exhaustion because it goes against who we are. We can't give in to our worst instincts, because again, those go against who we are. Not everyone has this mindfulness. Not everyone can resist these temptations. When you can stand above the cynicisms I talked about, and choose to act in the greater good, that is the mark of true honor. It's a principle of ours completely removed from the galaxy, from the people themselves, where you do what is right because it's right, and for no other reason whatsoever. It's not an easy contradiction to balance. This war will test us—maybe even break us at our core. Even still, I don't want you to worry about that for now. For now, we're on vacation. For now, make the most of this time we have to relax and unwind."

So many contradictions.

So many confusing perspectives.

Distrust of other people. Needing to trust them. Getting crushed, getting broken by reality. Needing to act in the greater good. Feeling compelled to do so. Actively repelled by exhaustion, nihilism.

I didn't understand. Luckily, I didn't need to today. Not for the next few weeks, either.

Our ship had freshly arrived to Old Armali: this shining city of knowledge by the sea. Nestled atop an archipelago, we had traveled to the far northern region of the world's waters, forever expanding with more people and more lands over time. Several buildings of an ivory white stone dotted the landscape, rising exponentially higher over the hills. Regal, imposing, statuesque. Already I could feel a grandiose sense of both wisdom and pride from the city awaiting us. The asari's specific sense of culture, politics, and knowledge emanated from the ivory stone ahead, living on as Thessia's home away from home.

Lighting the way through this late dawn, an endlessly tall statue hovered along the city's nearest edge.

A lighthouse, a beacon for new arrivals: a grand work of art depicted an idea of me. I recognized myself, shaped and sculpted as white, the same as any Greek or Roman sculpture that had lost its color over the centuries. An image of Sol lit the way, her arms extended up and out—praising the sun—and looking up at the light without repercussions. A long, draping, dramatic artistry of my hair stretched out behind the statue, extending down to the harbor of the same ivory white. That imagery made me look like a deity. A patron deity, maybe. Standing at the southernmost tip of the city, the work of art still stood as the main centerpiece. This constant sun reminded me of the eternal sunset's dream ever-present in Thessia's sky. As Liara had created this whole world, she had made me the imagined source of her homeworld's light.

Liara had woken up just in time. She emerged from our shared room below-deck, coming up to see the sights. Still in her white sage's garb, she hurried between Sol and me, getting a better look. Bright-eyed and excited, she nearly cried over the sight, no doubt recognizing this place from her history studies.

"I can hardly believe it! This is my hometown! My hometown from the past! Oh, it's breathtaking…"

As breathtaking as the city, that aria in my head sounded clear. Clear and strong and full at last. That unknown woman singing to me, as if spurring me on and wishing me well. She helped me press on.

Making landfall at this far south point of the city, our ship docked at the Scholar's Harbor. We left for the easternmost part of the ferry docks. As soon as we set foot to the white of the ground, the bustle of the harbor swept around us. Our disguises helped us blend in with the other asari and humans around. They each dressed similarly, with groups of engineers mixed in with the sages, scholars, and military officers. The docks themselves looked more as a series of rounded walkways, raised up from the waterbed. These walkways led to the tall stairwell to Old Armali proper, past this single, flat level of the harbor.

Out in the city, several paths of water ran through the layers of elevation everywhere. Those regal buildings gazed out at the sea, propped up over the mountainous hills of the terrain. At the very top of Old Armali stood the largest building, likely of great importance. Such a stately façade of ivory stone.

Back down at the ferry docks, these smaller boats scattered around the area. My group passed through to Worldly Affairs, a specific part of the docks that specialized in open trade. The asari harbormaster kept track of everything entering and exiting the smaller boats and the larger ones. People came and went from those boats, carrying traded goods from all across Insomnia. A number of engineers carted around pieces of technology with them. Mass effect technology. A near endless amount of mass effect generators the engineers pulled around, bringing the items to different buildings everywhere.

Still in awe, Liara needed a moment to stop and look around some more. We paused in place: a rising structure of a circular, stone colonnade that supported a roof, but with no walls. This chilled shade opened out to the Peristyle right in front of us: a row of columns surrounding the open courtyard there, where artists peddled their works and wares for money. A lot of those paintings looked like depictions of that Sol statue behind us. I did spot a walkway leading to the statue. It led to the Sol Stoa, a covered colonnade with the shadowed pillars looping along the path. People could go directly inside the statue if they wanted to.

"This is unbelievable, Shepard," said Liara, overwhelmed. "How did you know to bring me here?"

"Someone gave me a hint about the city. I figured you'd like it. You know, that historical perspective."

She smiled at me with such ease. "You know me very well in that case. I also noticed: our clothes match everyone else's. The people in my homeworld dressed like this in the past. It is all historically accurate."

Sol announced, "I'll let you two enjoy the sights. I should go check us into our hotel. Feel free to look around; spend the day however you want. I think I'll get started on my investigation."

Liara frowned in disappointment. "Oh, all right… Good luck with everything, Sol. We will see you later."

Waving goodbye to us, Sol left the harbor, disappearing into the crowd.

On our own now, Liara and I explored the docks some more. We rounded around the walkways to the westernmost side. There awaited a watchtower within range of the Sol statue. This blue tower, named Liara's Sight. Not quite next to the patron deity, but just close enough. Still at a distance, and still separated by water, so filled with longing and love and regret.

"This also feels familiar," noted Liara, staring up at the tower. "I did not craft this world with my own two hands. Although I might as well have. So many ideas and concepts of mine took on these real forms. I am inevitably a product of my peoples' history. I see much of myself in our oldest habits and histories."

"Which habits do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, for starters, I can imagine why we are not allowed in this city. The asari matriarchs have always operated in a predictable manner. They would voraciously gather knowledge, but also hoard it. During these times, sharing knowledge without sanction was considered treason. Some of these principles still hold true in the modern day. Although, as a species, we asari pride ourselves in sharing knowledge. My people have been rather picky about this. They were often choosy in what they decided to share with others, and what they decided to keep to themselves. Ideally, we would avoid war by walking in the light of diplomacy, religion, and philosophy. We then explored and colonized parts of the galaxy, seeking to expand this pacifist mindset to others we considered 'lesser' or 'barbaric,' hoping to enlighten them."

"So the matriarchs are hoarding knowledge for themselves? And they don't want us to find out."

Liara confirmed, "Yes, I have gleaned as much already. I can simply tell from Old Armali's layout. The impressive building at the top of the city? That is the Rostra, our oldest seat of government. It no longer exists in this form back on Thessia. Long ago, our politicians met there as members of the Forum. We have always operated as a democratic republic, with elected officials representing the people. But these officials on the Forum have usually only been asari matriarchs. This created a deep schism between asari of different ages, where we maidens and matrons often resented our elders. The matriarchs would inevitably hoard knowledge to themselves, believing we couldn't be responsible with the information…"

Maybe Samara broke her silence on this place for that reason. She might've disagreed with the process.

Still, one other thing kept bothering me:

"But Liara, aren't you hoarding knowledge, too? You're Vice President of this entire world, this collective unconscious. You must know more than you're letting on. Like even how this whole story will end."

"Of course I am, Shepard," said Liara with ease. "However hypocritical I may sound, my case is different. I do not know every single detail. Only how things will end, as you pointed out. Whether or not we'll actually make it there, well, that is up to you. Only our commander can lead us to the final word."

Continuing on to the city, we left the harbor. Liara admired one of the outdoor taverns by the seaside, packed with people enjoying tea, wine, and pastries as late breakfast. The sign over the building of ivory and wood read The Last Stand—an oddly militaristic name for such a peaceful and scholarly people. Especially considering Liara's history lesson from a few minutes ago. Past the tavern and the Peristyle, we climbed more sets of stairs, soon reaching the very center of the city. Old Armali Plaza acted as a wide open courtyard, with paths branching off to the rest of the districts north, south, east, and west.

Right next to this plaza, I spotted a dignified-looking hotel named the Baldesion. I imagined this as the hotel Sol had checked us into. Not wanting to retire to our room yet, Liara had us explore some more.

"Let's head through here," she suggested, as we arrived to another courtyard. "This district is called the Matriarchs' Design. I recognize the Agora over there. It is the open marketplace filled with colonnades. I believe agora translates to a very specific word for you. It is a Greek word related to shopping, as the people are enjoying all these goods for sale. I wonder how your translation program knew to make the change from my language, even without knowing of our similar histories beforehand."

"Doesn't sound like a coincidence to me. Our histories seem more connected than I would've imagined."

Liara smiled in approval. "That is true. These connections have revealed themselves in such unexpected ways." Southwest of the marketplace, we found one of the city's larger buildings. "And that is the Confluence. In years past, it is where our engineers and scholars would harness the power of our academic discoveries. It looks like all those mass effect generators are entering this building. Those generators essentially keep Insomnia running. This entire world is powered by mass effect technology."

"Wait a minute," I said. "You knew that off the top of your head? I thought you've never been here?"

"I know how things work, Shepard," she gently reminded me. "But again, the exact specifics eluded me for some time. Our operations at HQ are entirely separate from what goes on here. I believe the matriarchs would rather keep this separation for as long as possible."

"They're basically running their own government here. Their own rules, their own secrets."

"Maybe… I cannot imagine they would be open to alliances. We will see how Sol feels about this."

Farther north, we passed through the Nymphaeum, where more people had gathered together out in the open. Students and professors alike shared in lively academic discussions and debate. Most of them argued about the mass effect phenomenon: whether or not it was actually a sustainable form of power.

Liara stopped to listen to the debates for a while.

During this while, we stared up at the Rostra looming up above. Way at the top of the tallest set of stairs and ramps. Those ascending walkways, flanked by perfectly-trimmed trees and other fauna, gave the building this sense of arrogance. As if the Rostra itself looked down on the rest of the city and its inhabitants. None of it sat right with me. Liara frowned over the sight, sharing my thoughts. Holding her hand, I led us away from that distraction, drawn next to the east part of Old Armali: the residential area.

Liara calmed as soon as we reached these grassy walkways paved with old, darkened stone. Grass sprouted out from these stone paths. Gorgeous flowerbeds of all different colors sprouted in the yards of everyone's extravagant, ivory-stone homes. Tall trees shaded over the area, and more stairwells led farther and farther up, taller and taller, higher and higher north through the city, away from the seaside.

"I remember this district," mused Liara. "We called it Journey's End. This is actually where my family's home exists today in Armali. The one you visited with me a few times. All these other homes were eventually moved around, in favor of expanding the parks and the fountains around us even more."

I wondered, "You think your house is still here? From years ago?"

"Yes, it should be… Like the Rostra, I believe it is to the far north of the area. Up at the very top."

Just as Liara predicted, we found her old home in that exact place. An older, more distinguished version of her family's home. Palatial and massive in scope and size, unlike the more modern, glass-sculpted mansion I remembered on Thessia. A wide veranda sat atop the second floor, hovering above the tall, gilded doors of the entryway. The T'Soni Estate had clearly undergone several changes over the centuries. More obvious than ever, I felt this reminder that Liara came from old money. Old, ancient money—much older than the newness of my own. Her family had been in power for many generations, owning wealth and property of this level of importance, dating back to the founding of Old Armali.

Liara grimly pointed out, "It doesn't look like we can go inside. The building is too well-guarded. Besides, I don't want Benezia to discover we were here. I can already hear her unending lectures about it."

"Kind of messed up, though," I told her. "Your own mother hasn't even told you about this place?"

"When you put it that way, it is difficult to deny the situation. I have always felt disconnected from my family. It is consistent that my mother has never mentioned this city, let alone our old estate. Aside from the generous amounts of credits in my accounts, I have no sense of belonging to my family. Even then, money is a poor measure of these types of things. It's almost as if there is no meaning with them…"

I caught the undeniable sadness in Liara's tone.

Feeling like such an outsider; staring at her own ancestral home with loneliness instead of belonging.

I gave her my sincerity: "That's what you have us for instead. The rest of the team plus me."

Cheering up right away, Liara beamed in her gratitude.

"Thank you, Shepard. I will always treasure this connection we share. Come on, we shouldn't linger here. I'm most excited to explore the west part of the city! You'll know exactly why once we arrive."

Liara and I made this next trek to the westernmost side of Old Armali. I hardly kept track of the time we'd spent walking around together, hand-in-hand; soaking in this shining seat of knowledge. The midday had already passed us by hours ago. Must've been late-afternoon once we reached this coveted side of the map. Coveted, and most exciting for Liara, even as we found an unyielding tranquility. Such a relaxing park with bridges spanning over the nearby waterfalls. This wooded area led away from the Matriarchs' Design we'd passed through earlier. We walked by several university students chilling out on their time off. They sat around the park alone or in pairs, lazily leafing through their books, or napping beneath the cozy shade of the trees.

I noticed all of the students walking by had on sage garbs similar to Liara's. Their robes seemed to bear certain designations over the fronts. Liara only had one blue line over the front of her robe. Most of these students had at least two or three lines—some of them five or six. Never any more than that. Almost like a ranking, or some way to denote the group they belonged to. Did it denote their age?

"As you can see," explained Liara, still smiling. "This part of the city is called Tranquility. The students will eventually return to their classes indoors. Their university is just down this path to the northwest." I spotted the massive building past the clearance of trees. "That is the Studium. It was once the most prestigious academy in all of Thessia, filled to the brim with labs and lecture halls. Graduates went on to become the most respected members of asari society, rising to high-ranking politicians or professors. The students there discovered the secrets of spaceflight and mass effect travel, guiding our species to become the 'first' to reach the dormant Citadel in the year 580 BCE. Within the Studium, students initially arrive to a location called the Phenomenon. A phenomenon is of course an observable event we can perceive with our known senses. That leads us to the next area right across from the school!"

This contagious excitement of hers had me smiling, too. Liara could barely keep herself composed as we headed down this next path. In the far west of the city, we passed by tall, yellow-leaved trees, flanking the paved pathway to the building. We passed through the massive doors to the brilliant space of the first floor. Hanging lanterns of pure white light. Comforting wooden hues lining the walls. And countless books and books and books upon books atop the shelves, everywhere. This gigantic library for so many books, each of different colors cutting into one another, creating a mosaic of unique experiences within their thick pages. The marble flooring beneath us glimmered as white and sea green beneath the lights, with short bridges of a translucent, biotic blue extending out toward those shelves on the perimeter.

Countless asari and human researchers populated the place: reading, learning, and exchanging ideas.

Liara spoke with such pride, "Finally, this is the Noumenon. This was once our most prominent library. There are innumerable books around us. And this is just the first floor! There are endless more floors beneath where we are now." Glancing over the nearest handrail, I saw the deep plunge down below, shadowing down there. Repeats of this current floor echoed and echoed well past the limitations of my sight. "Rumor has it that the lowest floors contain legendary knowledge. Forbidden tomes of sacred, or even dangerous knowledge are hidden down there. We unfortunately wouldn't have permission to go exploring. We can at least see what this first floor has to offer."

"You know what you're looking for?" I asked, as she practically pulled me along by my hand.

"Not at all," said Liara. "Let's check with the front desk. Perhaps the clerks there will have a few recommendations. Oh, I almost forgot to mention! The word noumenon is a philosophical term that contrasts with phenomenon. It is a theoretical object or event—something that happens beyond our sense or perception. It is an admission that not everything happens within our range of understanding."

At the main desk, we waited in the short line to speak with the Noumenon's clerk. Liara again could barely contain herself; she didn't notice what went on around us. Several older asari—or at least, they seemed older—gave Liara these looks. These fond looks of condescension, like—'Oh, look at her. What a sweet little thing. Is she here with her escort on a field trip?' They must've spotted that sign over her garbs marking her age as around one hundred years old. By contrast, no one gave me those same looks. They honestly assumed I was Liara's personal guard, charged with protecting and supervising her.

As starry-eyed as Liara had been this whole time, maybe I couldn't blame these older ladies for their assumptions. At the same time, they knew nothing about her. Nothing of her accolades and accomplishments. Something told me this ageist dynamic would only end up getting worse. And soon.

"Next," droned the grouchy old asari clerk, as the group in front of us went on their way.

The near-hostile look of boredom on her face put me on-guard.

Then again, I got this strange feeling. Like I had seen her around somewhere before.

I glanced down at the nametag over her uniform. It read: Aethyta – Noumenon Admin.

None the wiser, Liara happily strolled up to the front desk with me. "Good afternoon. This is our first time visiting. Do you perhaps have any suggestions on where we could begin our search—?"

"We don't do suggestions," drawled this Aethyta person. "Better yet, this isn't the place for a field trip, little girl. This is the Noumenon. The best damn library in the whole city. You young kids can't appreciate what's in these tomes, let alone read what's in 'em. Now take your military human and scram."

Beyond offended, Liara shot back, "Excuse me…? Don't you work here? You're being exceedingly rude to your guests. You also have no grounds to make such assumptions about me. I am not a child!"

Aethyta sniggered in cynicism. "Says the little girl who's barely a hundred years old. If you wanted to cover that up, try changing the marks on your robe. Then again, it's illegal to lie about your age here. You know that, don't you? Hell, I'm practically ten times your age. You're a kid to me and that's all that matters. The books around these parts are just too advanced for you. It is what it is. Take it or leave it."

"That is absurd! For the last time, I am not a little girl! I earned my doctorate in anthropology of the Prothean era! I have an expertise in archaeology! Nothing is too advanced for me to understand!"

"You did what, now?" questioned Aethyta, utterly baffled. "You got your PhD? You? A freaking kid?"

I had to stop myself from snapping, if only to stand up for Liara.

This was her fight. She needed to handle this on her own. If she couldn't, then I would step in.

Liara blew steam through her nose, forcing a calm. "Yes… I did. Several years ago."

"Is that so? Where'd you graduate from, kid?"

"The—" Before she could misspeak and say the University of Serrice, I squeezed Liara's hand. "…the Studium. I still remember entering to the Phenomenon every morning. Coveting the falls of water from the ewers in the halls. Attending lectures, studying in the labs. I went on numerous sponsored digs where I studied Prothean ruins. I eventually learned the Protheans were not as benevolent as we once assumed… They were far more imperialistic in nature. I was then forced to relearn all I once knew."

"Well I'll be damned! You sound like you know what you're talking about. I don't know shit about Protheans or ruins or what's-it-calleds. I just work here. Sounds like you need to take my job, huh?"

Liara threw a cool day's worth of shade her way—"I'm afraid I am overqualified to work as a librarian."

Aethyta grew red in the face, fuming in shock.

The people standing in line behind us all roared with laughter.

I bit down on my tongue, hiding my laughter behind the collar of my overcoat.

"You know what?!" exploded Aethyta. "Take your human and get the hell outta my face! Since you're so damn smart, you can find your own books!"

"Thank you for the recommendation at last," said Liara, curtly cutting. "We'll be going now. Take care."

While Liara brought me to the nearest bookshelf, that clerk almost lost her mind. She stormed off from her desk, ranting at the top of her lungs about arrogant know-it-alls. One of her co-workers had to hurry to cover her shift, quickly greeting the next visitors as if nothing had even happened.

Liara disapproved, "How unprofessional of her. And she had the nerve to call me a child. Very ironic."

I had to tell her, "You're one shady lady, Liara. I wasn't expecting that."

"Thank you—I think," she said, smiling. "I don't know what that means. I assume it's a compliment?"

"In this case, it is. You found her weakness and exploited it with words. But you weren't too obvious."

Liara giggled over the lesson. "I see. I believe I understand now. I'll do my best to keep this technique in my arsenal, then." Peaceful once more, she plucked out one of the books from this shelf. "Oh, Shepard, look. This is about the types of pets my people once had. Most of them were marine-based: different fish and so on. We never had anything all that similar to cats or dogs. Your human pets are much cuter."

"Yeah, we domesticated wild animals into the smaller ones we have today. Speaking of that, I haven't seen Major in a long while. Guess we couldn't bring her with us. Someone might've recognized her."

"That is true… I was fortunate enough to see Major at HQ just yesterday. She has been living there with us for quite some time now. It would seem she is avoiding her master for some reason… I wish I could ask her what happened. Our limited range of communication likely wouldn't give any real answers."

After kicking Ash out of the apartment, I assumed Sol had brought Major to headquarters with her.

Good to know she hadn't kicked poor Major out, too. The pup would be safe and happy at HQ.

Picking out another book this time, Liara lit up in more excitement. "How incredible! This text contains a full account of how our ancestors interacted with the Protheans! When the Protheans arrived to uplift our species, they brought unending sources of knowledge with them. The Protheans didn't necessarily attempt to colonize or subjugate us. They witnessed our potential first-hand—even in our primitive years—and decided to teach us how to grow crops, how to wield our natural gift of biotics, and so on. This is a more accurate retelling of Athame and her guides Janiri and Lucen. Unfortunately, I can't make out every single detail. Much of the text is written in our oldest form of writing. It is similar to reading your hieroglyphics or cuneiform—"

All of a sudden, a group of asari researchers surrounded us.

"How adorable!" cooed the first. "Look at the little one, reading about the Protheans and our species!"

"Why hello, little one," said the second researcher. "Come to the Noumenon to track down any knowledge in particular? Are you an aspiring researcher? Do you need any assistance? Oh, but I do worry that you will struggle to grasp the concepts within these tomes, due to your sprightly young age."

"This one's quite the prodigy," praised the third. "Do forgive us for disturbing you. It is fascinating, is all. Why, when I was your age, I could hardly juggle my classwork, let alone comprehend anything within these dusty old books! You have obviously earned your sage's robes. Yet you still have a ways to go. If you need an example to follow, Matriarch Benezia is an excellent leader and orator. If you follow in her footsteps, you will reach higher heights in no time, I'm sure!"

The dripping condescension.

Liara had no words. Too pissed off from her last encounter, she couldn't find the energy to fight back.

Especially not after they'd mentioned her mother like that.

Instead of wasting my breath, I quickly got Liara out of there. We left the Noumenon, returning to the peace and quiet of Tranquility's forested walkways. I brought her over to the nearest monopteros: another one of those tall, circular colonnades with no walls. We sat together on one of the benches, the roof above shading us from the glaring light of the sunset. Quiet at first. So quiet. I gave her some space.

This seemed way more intense than Aria calling her Little Liara on occasion.

After a while, Liara sighed in defeat.

"How frustrating," she muttered. "This is the same sort of discrimination I have always faced due to my age. I even had the context of how much worse things were in years' past. Yet I still wasn't prepared to face something like that." Liara toyed with that single blue line emblazoned over her front. "It is apparently illegal to change these. Of course Sol wouldn't want to break any laws by fabricating my age. We had already faked our credentials to get here in the first place. Why couldn't she forge this as well?"

"I don't think it occurred to her," I explained. "Neither of us have your same cultural perspective."

"Yes, that makes sense. I am sure if she knew, she would've changed this for me. Still, it is a shame that it's even necessary. This whole situation has been very—dehumanizing. All my life, before I met you, I was so used to this. People dismissing me, othering me because of factors out of my control. So I would distance myself. I found my safety away from other people, enjoying the solitude I had found. Only to then suffer gossip and strange looks over my social anxiety that followed. It felt as if I could never win."

I knew this feeling all too well. Only in a different context.

"Sorry, Liara. I feel like this is my fault. It was my idea to bring you here in the first place."

"No, don't say that," she forgave. "You can simply blame my people's culture. This is how things have always been. Of course, that doesn't make it right. I would much rather move on and forget about it."

"All right," I accepted. "I think I see that tavern down the hill. The one we saw when we first arrived, called the Last Stand. Seemed pretty nice. Why don't we get dinner there?"

"Okay. Thank you, Shepard. Let's get going. I am looking forward to seeing what they have to order."

The Last Stand acted as the last bastion of Liara's hopes for this city. Much to my surprise, we didn't run into any issues getting a table. The staff at the outdoor tavern treated us just like anyone else. By the time we found a table, and I pulled out Liara's chair for her to sit, I felt the immense relief pooling over her. Sitting in a chair adjacent to her, only the corner of our table separated us from one another. We had the perfect view of the seaside at dusk, the waters burning in the reddened paints of the sunset. So close to the water, we had no trouble ordering Old Armali's take on seafood: something similar enough to buttered, lemon-spritzed lobster. No one made a fuss over us ordering white wine with our meals.

As we ate together, Liara easily held a conversation with me, musing about the food and the differences from what we both knew. We talked and laughed, having already forgotten about the friction from back at the library. Such an eternal delight brightened Liara's eyes. So idyllic and serene: as idyllic and serene as this aria still playing in my head. She enjoyed her time with me—maybe more than I could ever know.

Once I noticed, it suddenly occurred to me:

I had never taken Liara out like this before. Wining and dining by the sea especially.

I'd always meant to. Back in the day. Too much had gotten in the way. But not anymore.

Liara seemed to realize this, too.

She went quiet for a moment, staring out to that Sol statue gracing the harbor's edge.

I already knew what had taken over her thoughts. Even before she vocalized them:

"Shepard… This has been such a magnificent day. Struggles at the Noumenon aside, I have truly enjoyed our time together. Your idea to bring me here was incredibly thoughtful as well. But there is something else. One other topic of conversation we have yet to go over. I wasn't sure if you wanted me to bring it up. I can't exactly help it now. I have noticed a change in you. It is subtle. Yet I still picked up on it."

"What change have you noticed, then?"

Face as red-blue as the sunset-sea, Liara couldn't meet my eyes. "…I get the feeling you are still attracted to me."

Buying some time, I sipped on this olden, honeyed white wine, choosing my next words carefully.

"Liara, you've always had my attention like this. I could only ignore it whenever I was mad at you."

Liara then asked, so sheepish, "Was it simpler for you to stay angry at me? Less complicated?"

"Yes, it was. I think it's why I held onto that for so long. Why I refused to forgive you for the longest."

"Would you…rather return to that?"

"That isn't what I want. Not at all. I've learned to adjust. You don't have to worry."

Parched in nerves, Liara took an unwise gulp of her wine. She regretted it as soon as she swallowed, souring over the blast of taste. She made herself stay sober enough for the moment. This faint breeze from the harbor feathered over her awkwardness and mine. If not shaped and bent differently.

"Tell me what's on your mind," I entreated. "Whatever it is. I want to know."

"Very well, then. I will just come out and say it. I have done my best to stay logical with you. For a long time. A very long time. Yet I can't help the way I feel. I put my heart and soul into creating this world for you. And then, once you did set foot within Insomnia, and you learned that this was my creation…you still punished me for my mistakes. Nothing I did would ever be enough for you. I never imagined you would decide to reward me for my loyalty… Until you finally did."

"I know I can't be stubborn with you anymore. It's too late for that now."

"Then…would it be fair for you to say how you feel?"

"You're asking me how I feel about you?"

Liara could only nod, too tongue-tied to say anything more.

I didn't want to say too much. But I also didn't want to leave her hanging, either.

I found a decent balance. "I think a lot of it is a sensual attraction. You heal me in so many ways. If I catch myself imagining you, you fill my senses with an erotic heat. It's never overwhelming. Yet I can't ignore it. You exist in this in-between space. I can't let you too close. I also don't want you to be too far."

Breathing, inhaling my every word, Liara couldn't mask her cravings.

Such a long drought of stubborn silence from me. Now my honesty had candied her, probably addictive.

She still remembered where we were.

Out in public. Not too far from other people eating their dinner.

Liara remained composed for that reason, and that reason only.

Her obsessions reflected through her eyes anyway. Her love and her care, too, dialed up to dozens.

She quietly admitted, "I almost regret having this conversation in public. Finally hearing you say that… It's—overwhelming. Unlike your own feelings. If we were alone right now, things would be different."

Brow raised, I sipped the last of my wine. "How different do you mean?"

"I would have easily kissed you by now. Or asked you to have sex with me. Even though I shouldn't."

Liara spotted my quickened breathing. These thicker veins greening over my hands, blood pumping harder. This gnashed set of my jaw. Controlled and controlled and controlled.

She smiled as bright as the day's end.

"Is that wrong of me?" she asked, so leading. She already knew the answer. "You would never stray. It is not something you're capable of. I'm certainly not asking you to cheat on the one you adore. But I do need you to know. I still want you, Shepard. I still need you. Not once have I ever stopped imagining you and me. I've suffered so much guilt over this. I've spent too much time hating, despising the other women you were with. Because I always felt like I should have been them. It should have been me."

"Maybe," I conceded. "That's not how our lives turned out. I don't want you dwelling on the past."

"I know. I feel like I'm lying whenever I don't speak my mind. Maybe I'm saying too much. Maybe I'm making a fool out of myself. I'm afraid I can't help it. At least with this, I've been waiting to exhale. Now I'm finally getting to breathe through you."

Liara breathed in and out. In and out. And in and out again. She scented the sea around us—and through me. She couldn't be anything else other than this. This focus of my perception. Even if not the sole object of my affections. Yet I couldn't help this discomfort of mine. From how strongly I felt Liara's desires: how she would have reduced herself to an object for me, if I would let her. Or if I did it myself.

I couldn't let my mind go there.

I couldn't let this conversation stray too far.

I remembered, specifically, what Sol had told me yesterday:

"It's a principle of ours completely removed from the galaxy, from the people themselves, where you do what is right because it's right, and for no other reason whatsoever."

…

"Liara…why can't you just let me go?"

"Because I'm scared, Shepard," she breathed out. "I'm afraid. I'm terrified that if I let you go, you'll end up slipping away somehow. This is why I started crying on the beach when you wouldn't wake up. It's why I panicked so much when the Collectors took you away, and you wouldn't wake again! I feel as though I am a powerful anchor, keeping you tied down to this reality. Do you see what I mean?"

"I know exactly what you mean. Somewhere, I already knew that. I probably resented you for it. All without really understanding why. There's something about this that scares me, too. I don't get it."

Liara suggested out of concern, "Then perhaps you should do some more research. But this time, it needs to be about this particular issue. This specific problem. I imagine you won't have trouble exploring the Noumenon's halls on your own. The library should be empty after-hours. And if anyone does happen to be there, they won't attempt to harass you like they did to me. Why don't you return later on tonight? After I fall asleep."

I kept her suggestion in mind as we finished our dinner.

We spent the rest of the evening strolling through the city. Looking around some more. Talking even more—but not about us. Nothing like that. Liara could tell I had too much on my mind. She also understood she wasn't equipped to guide me through this. The promise of endless knowledge within the Noumenon's shelves held a certain allure for me. That allure held me, held my attention all through the night, until Liara decided to retreat to our hotel. I went with her to our room out of consideration.

Showering for the night, getting ready for bed: Liara seemed much lighter than I remembered of her.

Knowing we would have our peace here in Old Armali for the next few weeks, this tranquility blanketed her all the more. Blanketing, comforting as she curled up in bed. The only bed in the single room Sol had booked for us. I knew why she did this. I felt compelled, and so I lay down over the bed, listening on as Liara fell asleep. Every now and then, I glanced at her from under the moonlight. I waited until her breathing had deepened, steadied. I waited these patient minutes, needing her to be safe in comfort.

I did still want to go back to the Noumenon.

I wanted to find answers to this peculiarity about me. This particular, relaxing unknown.

Right at that moment, Sol unlocked the door to the room, stepping inside to this moonlit dark.

She nodded to me in understanding.

We exchanged places, changing shifts—Sol went to lie down with Liara, watching over her in my stead.

I left the hotel on my own, returning to that path through Tranquility, leading me to more knowledge.

Returning through these heavy doors of the Noumenon, my mind stayed just as heavy. Deep in thought, I considered my past; how I had arrived to this point in my life. Far from dwelling or brooding. I only wanted to make this make sense. As I wandered through the darkened library, only the moonlight guiding me forward, I remembered my earlier days. Well before this tale today. How I never really had anyplace to fit in. How the people around me would end up killed, or taken away from me somehow. Or I would push them away. Never any stability. Never anyone I could count on, except for myself. Just me.

Passing by these endless bookshelves, searching and searching, I searched my memories even more.

This pattern with me. How my values had shaped and shattered and broken over the years.

Because of too many factors outside of my control, I couldn't fit in.

Too many people had too many reasons to avoid me. The system had got me down as a kid. I grew up angry. People were always afraid of me. They didn't want to understand. They only saw the scowl on my face, coupled with the color of my skin, and then decided it was safer to run away. Outside of my military uniform, no one had any reason to respect me as a person. No one wanted to look deeper; to understand that my scowl had formed as a slashed smile. That shredded innocence of mine. Bleeding-heart-kindness hemorrhaged, as I slowly realized my ideals could never come true. Justice and fairness for all. Basic dignity for every person. Equal access to knowledge, to great opportunities. World peace.

I learned that too many in power thrived on keeping others down.

I learned that others cared too much about holding onto their power at any cost.

I learned that the power to look down on someone would always mean more than helping someone up.

So I looked at those human values, and observed all the humans excluding me from their groups, and heard them all calling me subhuman for some reason or another…and I decided I didn't care anymore.

I didn't want to fit in.

I didn't want to play their games; to stoop to their level.

I didn't want to be human if that was what being human truly meant.

So by the time I'd met Liara, I was completely gone. Disconnected. Far-removed from humanity. I did my job as a commander. But I refused to let anyone in. I kept up my walls. I didn't want to give anyone any reason whatsoever to think—to think they could possibly get to know me. There was nothing to know. Just a void. An empty void performing a duty. Nothing mattered except for my missions. Not the people.

Of course, Liara pulled me away from all that.

She returned my humanity to me. Whether I'd wanted it back or not.

And then there was Aria.

A mirror's image of myself. Practically the same person, suffering the same dichotomies, the same contradictions. But just different enough to appreciate one another. Loving her felt so much like righting these wrongs done to me. As if I had finally found someone else who could relate. Someone else, and I could still give her what I had left. I could keep Aria from devolving into my worst cynicisms, my worst nihilisms. I could keep her from that path, because I had been there, and I knew how bad it was. I didn't want her to suffer the same thing. I wanted to show her—someone who struggled through these same struggles—that things could turn out okay. She felt safe with me because I protected her like this.

I protected her from the darkness I knew. The same she also knew, if not colored in the same lines.

Shadowed and darkened more, I had wandered deeply through this library. Down more floors. Down as many as I could go, to where I had permission to go. One bookshelf in particular stood out to me. This section on various types of philosophies. I narrowed it down to ontology: the many questions over existence and being. How we knew what we were, who we were, and why.

I found in textbook form the ultimate rejection of widely-held beliefs.

The book itself bore a simple, elegant title over its white hardback cover:

Voidpunk.

As I read these pages, I found the words that described my experiences, and my state of mind. How years of dehumanization could simply lead someone to feel like they didn't belong. Like they didn't belong anywhere. Constantly suffering others calling them subhuman, or nonhuman, or any specific insult or slur meant to remove them from an in-group. Maybe the battered person would try to fight back. Maybe they would attempt to insist they were human, or that they were not those insults or slurs or other words meant to exclude. They would fight and fight and fight, never getting anywhere of note.

But one day, the person would stop fighting.

They would shift to acceptance instead. Radical acceptance that they didn't need to belong.

"You know what? Fine. Maybe I'm not human. And I'm at peace with that."

As for where this person actually belonged? It could have been anywhere. The sky. The ocean, the sea. Some other planet in another galaxy. An indistinct, inconspicuous location made-up in their imagination. Or even a void, far away from this mortal plane. An unknown void where nothing made sense anymore. Or a void where everything made sense, frightening and fascinating. No one could argue with something like that. No one could take that away. No more power structures to keep them down. No more discrimination. No more unfairness. No one could possibly tell them they didn't belong there.

They instead belonged here. Here in this subgroup. This counterculture. This strange place that felt right.

Reading and reading and reading, I found my rawest feelings spelled out in front of me.

So I spent this long night absorbing more information. I consolidated and compartmentalized all that I could. I braced myself for the darkness of the unknown up ahead, using this knowledge as my brace, my support, and my comfort. Hopefully now I could stop agonizing over these questions once unanswered. A clearer head, a clearer perspective: I could enjoy the rest of this vacation, restored and renewed, before returning back to my apartment. The one place where I felt closest to home, wherever that may have actually been.

Never alone, never truly on my own, I would press on—even if it meant going against what the sun believed.