"Adam's Apartment" from Deus Ex: Mankind Divided / "Been Good to Know Ya" from Cyberpunk 2077

LXIX. World Peace

(Shepard)

Quiet in solitude.

Moody in stillness.

Submerged in silence.

Home alone on my own these days. Only during the daytime. The broil of summer had heated up to August now. Liara and I had made it back from Old Armali's breezy seaside. She had gone back to work aboard the Normandy, doing her part to help with the retrofits. Meanwhile, I stayed at the apartment, still under orders from Tali to get some rest. She hadn't let me tour the ship yet, as Tali had found even more tasks she wanted to handle first. Tali wanted the Normandy to be more than just presentable once I did my walkthrough. I had to keep waiting until then. So I spent these days within the chill of my air-conditioned home. Watching TV. Playing video games. Listening to music. Reading on occasion.

Maybe I could've gone out more. Out to the beach, out to the club, or out to eat somewhere. My hometown had more than enough to offer. I purposely chose to stay home every single day. I really only left to pick up food or supplies for the apartment. Sometimes Liara and Tali would come shopping with me. For the most part, I stayed on my own. I stayed alone. Something about this solitude comforted me. This escape from expectations. Expectations other people would have, thinking I belonged with them.

The atmosphere of this peace had absorbed me, keeping me at home as much as humanly possible.

I lost track of time at some point. The weeks passed from August to September without me noticing. I did remember whose birthday was around this time. I resisted the temptation to contact her. I didn't want to give her the green light to communicate with me again, despite how much I missed her today. This calm before the storm kept me comforted, anyway. Most comfortable, I had taken to lazing around on my couch during the day. On this day in particular, I watched the news on my gigantic vid screen.

'Galaxy-wide News – The End of a Terrorist Era?' scrolled by on the chyron for the Alliance News Network. They showed a live, exclusive interview with Ambassador Udina. The blue-uniformed reporter asked Udina about the sudden end of Cerberus. These "troubling developments" surrounding the organization had come out of nowhere, corroborating what Engineer Daniels had told me weeks ago.

The Illusive Man was dead.

Someone had murdered him in cold blood.

His murderer had then sent his corpse over to the Alliance. They'd included a note about studying the Illusive Man's remains, in order to "learn more about the insidious effects of indoctrination." Of course, forensic evidence had turned up nothing about the murderer. I didn't really need to guess who it was…

"This has all been very shocking, hasn't it, Ambassador?" asked the reporter. "No one expected the Illusive Man's corpse to show up at our doorstep! Did you and Councilor Anderson receive any warnings about this beforehand? Or were you just as surprised as the rest of us?"

Udina actually seemed grounded and humbled in his response. "We had no idea about this, no. The Illusive Man was our nemesis. Public enemy number one as far as his crimes were concerned. So to suddenly find his dead body—and from an anonymous sender at that—it left us rather shaken. The murderer, or so we presume, only left us a manifesto to go off of. I am now prepared to share the contents of this manifesto with the galaxy. If I may."

"Of course, Ambassador. Please, tell us! What did this mysterious murderer have to say?"

Udina read the manifesto's contents from his omni-tool: "Here lies the Illusive Man. The maddened, paranoid, shell of a man who almost led the galaxy to ruin. His actions nearly sent Commander Shepard to her final end. For that alone, I ended the Illusive Man's life with my own hands. I now speak as my former boss' heir-apparent. He once warned that an alien attempt at human genocide was inevitable. He called for an army, then—a Cerberus to guard against an invasion through the Charon Relay. You all derided his words as 'survivalist rhetoric written by an illusive man.' You were right to call him mad, as he was indoctrinated, and had made up most of his means and ends in his mind. But now, no more.

"Cerberus as you know it is now dead. You no longer need to fear or mock this organization. It once lived in an illusion, operating as an illusion, thriving as an illusion. We sought out to protect humanity from any threats. We went too far in our efforts, crossing both legal and ethical lines. I won't make excuses for what we once were. I only give my word that we will rebuild. We will rise again from these ashes, ever stronger. As this three-headed sentinel, Cerberus will grow a new purpose. We will become the one true home of the sun. We will protect humanity by protecting the sun, through our unwavering belief in her."

"How incredible!" exclaimed the reporter in awe. "It sounds clear that Cerberus is turning over a new leaf. Whatever could they mean by 'protecting the sun'? Do you have any idea, Ambassador Udina?"

"We don't know. We are also still working to verify the identity of this heir-apparent-murderer. But, more importantly, Cerberus as we knew them is no more. Their previous leader is dead. Therefore, their old ideology is also dead. Rest assured, we can all move on from the threat they once posed to the galaxy."

"Yes, I agree. Would you say Commander Shepard's victory over the Collectors led to this outcome?"

"Well, yes," said Udina, glowering now. "Her victory played an undeniable role in what has occurred."

"Have you been able to reach the commander for comment? She's the hero here. Commander Shepard is famously reclusive, but the people would like to hear from her. Do you think we could arrange an—?"

Udina blew a gasket, raging, "Absolutely not! I am not Shepard's secretary or her assistant! If you wanted to hear from her, then why bother bringing me on?! This is a complete and utter waste of my time!"

"But, Ambassador Udina—!"

Petulant to the last, Ambassador Udina stormed off the set of the live interview. The reporter sat there aghast, at a loss for words. They had to quickly cut back to the main news anchors, apologizing for the abrupt end to the interview. The anchors then rushed to commercial, hoping this would all blow over.

I could already hear Anderson tearing into Udina over this. What an embarrassment for the Alliance.

Flipping away from the drama, I tried finding something else to watch. I thought about that manifesto. How those words sounded like what a certain someone would say. I could hear her voice so clearly…

Someday I hoped to ask her about all of this. She had killed in my name; I wanted a better explanation.

Then I looked at the time. Tali and Liara would be home in about an hour. I turned off this vid screen in the living room, retreating to my bedroom down the hall. Every time I did this, it felt like I was avoiding them. Except I wasn't. Not exactly. I didn't want to get into the real reasons right now. I relaxed in bed instead, turning on the vid screen in here. I used my omni-tool to cycle through the stations, looking for another source of news. I did my best to set that new Cerberus manifesto to the very back of my mind.

I found another news station separate from the Alliance. Maybe something without that bias toward the military. Instead of multiple news anchors and reporters, this station only had one talking head. Some celebrity news anchor named Eliza Cassan. She had a soothing voice kind of like EDI's, with those same simulated emotional inflections of hers. I had to wonder if this attractive human woman talking to me and many others through the screen was an AI. An AI telling us what to care about and what to believe.

"Around the clock. Around the world. Picus News. Always watching. Because you are always watching."

I tuned out at some point throughout the news segment. Eliza's talking head reflected against my eyes. But I didn't really perceive her. This reminder of attractive women inevitably got me thinking about Aria. I missed her. I missed her more than anything. I missed kissing her, holding her. This heat hazing in my head made me miss Aria's body, too. She had such a perfect ass. Perfect curves. All pure perfection.

I didn't mean to drape my hand over my sweatpants like this. My hand had moved there on its own.

This image of Aria riding me, over and over, repeated and repeated in my head.

I imagined myself shaded by her silhouette, blocking the darkened, murky evening outside.

Only the vaguest words from the commercials reached me.

"The Santeau Group. Construction. Quality. Excellence. Santeau—restoring the past, and building the future."

I couldn't help how bad my cravings had gotten lately. Almost unbearable.

Aria and I would have phone sex every night. She would call me, needing sex after a long day of work. Unable to help myself, I'd start off by saying how much I missed her. The depths in my voice, my affection. Aria would bask in my attention, begging me to tell her more. To go deeper than that. Even deeper. My voice alone would be enough to get her off. Just going at it like that. Only with words. That roughness, continuing, unending and never-ending. We only stopped once Aria needed to go to sleep.

I knew Tali and Liara had eavesdropped on me. Multiple times. Even with my bedroom door locked shut.

Naturally, I didn't want to be in the living room at a time like this. Not while this mood had gripped me.

Perceptions fading in and out, I made myself listen to the news: "No doubt many viewers were horrified by that story I brought to you last week, in which a suicide gunman ruthlessly attacked a small biotic community near Oklahoma City. Today, I'm here to bring you a glimmer of hope. European-based construction giant, the Santeau Group, has successfully convinced the Tanzanian government to become a signatory of its safe harbor initiative. Designed to promote the creation of safe and secure housing complexes, where oppressed groups can live and work, free from persecution—this international civil engineering and action plan is the brainchild of Santeau CEO, Nathaniel Brown. Its flagship project, a glittering engineered city, is slated to be publically unveiled at one of Brown's upcoming safe harbor conventions. I, for one, cannot wait to learn more. This is Eliza Cassan, reporting to you live, from Picus."

Some other commercial played. A woman's thick Eastern European accent seduced the sophisticated executive man as this ad's target. I liked these sleek men's watches. Yet I wasn't the 'target audience.'

"Tradition. Precision. Refinement. Stanek watches. It's about time."

My heart ached all the time. Just from how much I missed Aria every day. All the time. I couldn't escape this feeling. This constant throbbing in my chest, pained and painful. The pain also brought me bliss. As this one thing I still had of her at a distance. As this singular feeling connecting us across the galaxy. She felt it the same as I did. We felt it all the time. Always as the time passed. The hours went on and on.

Then later that night, Aria called me. We talked just like we always did. I got her to unwind, like I always did. We connected again. Aria heard this emotion in me, this longing. It spurred her. She touched herself, without me even mentioning sex or wanting her or missing her like this. My intentions, my emotions came across anyway. She felt them from me, strengthening everything for her. And I could tell: something of this scared her. Aria forced herself not too hang up early. This wasn't the first time.

Once she went to bed, I stayed alone in mine. Left to my own devices, I didn't do much of anything. I stared out the window for the longest. Thinking about nothing, thinking about sleep. A normal insomniac these days—I didn't feel sleepy or anything. I didn't dare go wandering around outside my room, though. I remembered, one night a few weeks ago, I left my room at around midnight to get a drink. I heard a certain kind of…giggling and moaning and specific wet sounds. Coming from Tali and Liara's room. Enough to arouse me. Maybe with that exact intention of getting me to listen in on them.

Sometimes they even said my name instead of each other's. Role-playing.

If Liara and Tali weren't actually in their room, sometimes they'd stay up late in the living room. Usually they'd have a glass or two to drink. Nothing too crazy. But it still lowered their inhibitions just enough. Just enough for Tali and Liara to start openly making out on the couch—almost as if daring me to walk in on them. They would kiss and touch and whisper to each other—before laughing and stumbling their way back into the room. Their companionship had extended, deepened lately. Or maybe Tali and Liara had always fooled around on the down-low, and I was just now noticing.

I knew it wasn't a romantic thing between them. It sounded like a fun way for them to blow off steam. Nothing serious. Not with that kind of love involved. They didn't necessarily need me. They had each other. In every sense of the words. Still, I couldn't walk around at night. I didn't want to overhear more than what I already had.

I didn't see the point in giving them a stern talking-to, either. They were both grown adults. They could do whatever they wanted…within reason. I would rather they felt free enough to do this at home, than have to keep restricting themselves. I didn't mind steering clear like this. I wanted them to be okay.

I just didn't want my mind going there. Not with them.

Not while we had this freedom. All this extra time to ourselves.

I feared I would take advantage of them in the worst way possible—even though they would enjoy it.

Nevertheless, the days and the hours continued on and on. I wanted them to go by quicker so I could see Aria again. I didn't want the hours to go by quicker; the war would begin sooner in that case. I returned to watching the news to numb this agony.

Those simulated emotional inflections: "…Dr. Eva Coré, President and CEO of Tai Yong Medical, a large multi-colonial biotechnology corporation based in Hengsha, China. Dr. Eva Coré was reportedly close friends with the Illusive Man—also known as Jack Harper—the now-late leader of Cerberus. Once a mercenary-for-hire, Dr. Eva Coré fought side-by-side with Jack Harper in the resistance against the turians who occupied Shanxi during the First Contact War. Before taking on his moniker as the Illusive Man, Jack Harper was also a mercenary, serving under the command of General Williams of the Alliance. Harper and Dr. Coré captured a turian general before later becoming prisoners of war themselves. Following the end of the war, General Williams' final action before his harmful and shameful demotion, was to return several turian prisoners to Saren Arterius in exchange for the mercenaries' freedom.

"Numerous Picus reporters have probed into Dr. Coré's relationship with Cerberus, discovering much of Cerberus' funding to restore Commander Shepard came directly from Tai Yong Medical's coffers. Dr. Coré adamantly denies these claims, insisting that her company never once 'funded' anything of Cerberus. For reasons unknown, Dr. Coré has recently traveled to Bekenstein, operating out of TYM's branch on the glitzy human colony. Is Dr. Eva Coré seeking safe refuge on Bekenstein to avoid further probes by Picus journalists? We may never know. But rest assured—our reporters will continue working day in and day out to bring you, the people of Earth, the full truth. This is Eliza Cassan, reporting to you live, from Picus."

Flipping back to the Alliance News Network, I noticed a stark contrast.

They never mentioned Dr. Eva Coré by name. Never, ever. Not once. That close friend of the Illusive Man's. Such a close friend, indeed, that he had used her likeness as the model for EDI's mech body. All this time, I had been interacting with a mold, a mirror of the Illusive Man's friend. This friend he'd had such a storied history with. Working together in the First Contact War. Serving under Ashley's grandfather. Even capturing a high-value general before getting captured themselves. That was huge.

Why hadn't I ever learned about this?

I wanted to believe Picus kept any bias out of their reporting. They did characterize General Williams' demotion as 'harmful and shameful,' given that I'd convinced the Alliance to exonerate him way back when. Maybe that was why the Alliance refused to mention it. They didn't want to reopen old wounds.

Maybe so, maybe not.

I finally left the house to do my own research. I made my way to the Alliance base in Coronado. Staying well away from the docking bays, I didn't want Tali to get on my case, assuming I had dropped by to sneak a peek at my ship. October had already arrived, and my birthday fast approached, and Tali still had more changes to make, and more work to do before she would let me set foot inside the Normandy. I trusted she would have things ready within the next couple of days or so. Possibly after my birthday.

I checked around for any reports I could find. Any reports I could get my hands on that mentioned the First Contact War, Dr. Eva Coré, Jack Harper, General Williams, and Saren Arterius. Except someone had taken these redactions to the next level. Solid black lines took up more space in these reports than actual words. I imagined Alliance Parliament had stepped in to blotch out most of this information.

Frustrated, I changed up my search through my military's records. I instead looked for anything involving Cerberus. Even going back to that first manifesto of theirs. I found the manifesto without any issues. No redactions, either. Jack Harper wrote this manifesto sometime after the First Contact War. After he and Dr. Eva Coré had suffered as prisoners of war, and then traveled to Palaven for some reason as the first humans to set foot on the turian homeworld. Despite the achievement, his manifesto warned that an alien attempt at human genocide was inevitable. He called for an army—a Cerberus to guard against invasion through the Charon Relay… The same relay the Reapers would arrive through soon.

The Alliance had derided this manifesto as "survivalist rhetoric written by an illusive man." Everyone had forgotten about it until a terrorist attack against the SSV Geneva, with the culprit naming Cerberus as his sponsor. Cerberus had then gone on a string of assassinations and sabotage attempts, before performing those insane experiments on humans and other species. Then as they gained enough resources, Cerberus began stockpiling ships and weapons, recruiting agents like Jacob Taylor and Miranda, and planting sleeper agents in the Alliance. The Illusive Man had gone out of his way to hide his finances behind shell companies and the like. Any news about Dr. Eva's company funding the Lazarus Project might have been true. But the Illusive Man obviously hadn't wanted the information to leak out.

More than likely a controlled leak by his murderer.

As I wandered back home, I tried to fill in the blanks for myself. The Illusive Man must have seen some shit during his time in the war, and then again on Palaven. Enough to give him the kind of vision I had seen from the Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. That beacon had just given me a headache. I assumed the Illusive Man had gotten indoctrinated from his own discoveries. It seemed to me that Cerberus was his effort at protecting humanity from the Reapers. The ends had justified the inhumane means for him. Except somewhere along the way, the indoctrination took hold, stronger than his attempts to fight back.

By the time I collapsed back down on my couch, I groaned in exhaustion. Mental exhaustion. So many of my concerns about Cerberus made sense now. I just didn't know how to contextualize everything. The Illusive Man had always focused on humanity. "We're at war. No one wants to admit it, but humanity is under attack." He had fought in the First Contact War. That war where the turians had nearly decimated us before Ashley's grandfather surrendered, leading to the peace treaty between our two species. In that sense, of course the Illusive Man had centered humanity the way he did. He'd had that specific perspective. The perspective from fighting a brutal war that happened when I was just a little kid. Of course I'd derided him as a human supremacist. Of course he'd claimed himself as a human survivalist, focused on our survival first and foremost. Even if that meant torturing kids like Jack to unlock their biotic potential, or nearly letting loose a technological apocalypse from Project Overlord, the Illusive Man had pressed on with his perspective. His perspective that the Reapers would kill us all—unless we found a way to strengthen ourselves to fight back. Strengthening us even to unethical extremes.

I knew that Jack Harper had supported me. That he'd believed in me. That he'd wanted me to succeed.

I knew that the Illusive Man had not. The Reapers had taken hold of him. He'd had to dispose of me. He'd also had to lie to Miranda, in order to keep the scheme going. Too naïve, and in service for all he had done for her, Miranda had believed his lies. Miranda had believed and believed, taking his side over the truth she saw with her own eyes, until she could believe no more. Maybe she blamed him for us breaking up, and of course for nearly killing me—all as the fuel she needed to take his throne for herself.

Miranda would take over Cerberus. Whatever she'd said about working with Tela Vasir might've been connected to this. She would rebuild the organization from the ground-up. She was perfect for the job.

Seeing things through this lens, I started to let go of my anger toward the Illusive Man. Then my anger toward Miranda as well. The rest would take time. But it helped me a lot to finally understand them. I could never outright excuse or condone their actions. Forgiving them—for my own sake—was enough.

As a reward for my patience, I heard a surprise at the door.

My apartment's VI gave a brand new greeting, "Welcome home, Aria."

Turning around, I spotted Aria outside in the hall. She had her mouth hanging open in shock. Her half-gloved hand, Aria had poised at the doorbell, about to ring for my permission to let her in. She hadn't mentioned her plans to arrive today, specifically. Aria had intended to surprise me this close to my birthday. But I ended up surprising her first. Swelling with this smile, I went over to her, welcoming Aria inside properly. Still speechless, she could think of nothing to say. She simply relaxed into my arms. She lived this moment with me. She let us have this long moment, basking in this peace within our world.

From: Anderson, Councilor – Happy Birthday Again, Commander.

Shepard,

You've made it to your thirty-third birthday. Hard to believe, isn't it? After the shit you've seen, it's a miracle you've gotten this far.

I have to admit. I worry about what lies ahead. Lost a lot of sleep over this coming war. I don't like that we need to ask so much of you, Commander. You have the time now to rest up and regroup. I wish you could have this time more often. I wish we didn't have to put so many of the galaxy's burdens on your shoulders. You're the only one for the job, I know. Of course I believe in you. But I hate what we have to put you through. I can't take you for granted. Not after all that's happened. It would be irresponsible.

With that said, take it easy today. If only these peaceful times were the norm. If only.

-Anderson

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From: Tevos, Councilor – Your Birthday.

Commander,

I managed to hear through the grapevine about your birthday today. I would like to extend my well wishes to you. You and I have not known one another as friends, or even acquaintances. Always as Councilor and Spectre. Perhaps that has changed somewhat, thanks to your relationship with Aria. I do not have to guess what she has told you about me. I failed her, plain and simple. I expect you will not make my same mistakes. She is eternally drawn to you, Commander. In a way she has never been with anyone else in her lifetime. I can imagine the joys and the obstacles this has brought for you both.

I never fully understood Aria before. Her needs, her concerns. I am confident that you do understand her. In your understanding, it is my greatest hope that you always be there for her. Aria will make mistakes. She will sometimes behave in ways that are counterproductive to the matters at hand. She will not rest until she achieves her goals—no matter how impossible they may seem. Yet I promise you this: Aria will always make up for her transgressions with you. She will reward you with her loyalty, stronger over time.

Never neglect her. Never count Aria out. She will do what needs to be done. No matter the cost.

Go in peace, Commander Shepard.

-Tevos

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From: Invalid Extranet Domain (Hardware Designation: Legion) – Birthday_Wishes_1015.33

Organic societal expectations recommend greetings on this specific day. This is the day to the thirty-third year of Shepard-Commander's existence as a human being. Our runtimes recognize the importance of this tradition. Complying:

Happy. Birthday. We wish you well on this day.

Our compliance with this tradition has left us with multiple inquiries. Inquiry 1: how do you know you exist? Inquiry 2: how do you know you are human? Inquiry 3: if you do not exist, why do you celebrate your non-existence? Inquiry 4: if you are not human, why do you not make this known to others?

Awaiting conflict-status update.

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From: Chakwas, Karin – More Birthday Greetings.

Shepard,

What a whirlwind these past three years have been! I still remember writing my last birthday message to you. We were all on Thessia together, enjoying our shore leave before Virmire. I resisted the temptation to write to you in the two years that followed. While you were gone. It's all a distant nightmare now.

I look forward to seeing you on the Normandy again in the coming days and weeks. Do enjoy this freedom while you still can.

-Dr. Chakwas

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From: Liara – Today.

Shepard,

I am happy that we've made it to this day. This is a momentous achievement. At least in my eyes. Tali and I have agreed to leave the apartment for the day. We have left our birthday gift for you to find. It is from both of us. We hope you enjoy it, and your time with Aria. You deserve it.

-Liara

[Sender 'Liara' externally deleted previously sent message. Unable to retrieve deleted message from archives.]

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From: Alenko, Major – Happy Birthday.

Commander,

It's that time of the year again, huh? Pretty crazy.

You know what's even crazier? I just realized I'm older than you. Yeah, think I'm three years older. Kinda doesn't seem like it. At least not to me. You've always had this unique wisdom about you. You never put up with anyone's crap. You always stand up for the little person—even if it's not in the way you'd expect. You've done that for me plenty of times by now. Hell, you did it for me not that long ago. Just recently.

I read your report on the suicide mission. You didn't name any names for the ones who came with you. You only said we all "fought valiantly" by your side. If the Alliance found out I wasn't actually there, they wouldn't have promoted me. I wouldn't be hearing whispers and rumors about the Council making me a Spectre. No way in hell I'd accept something like that. I'm good with the promotion to Major, really.

You're a real enigma, Shepard. I get the feeling you pride yourself in how, err, unapproachable you seem. You'd rather go it alone. Then you turn around and give your teammates a helping hand. Or you get rid of people who're making our lives even just a little uncomfortable. I ran into Lieutenant Vega. He told me what happened. I almost slugged him over it, but I held myself back. I respect what you chose to do.

I also respect you for keeping me on. Despite everything, I'm making it my goal to stay with you for the long-haul. I've gotta make it to the final stretch. The next final battle against the Reapers. That's the endgame for me. Whatever I need to do to get there, consider it done. I'm looking forward to that day.

-Kaidan

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From: Kasumi – Hey.

Shep,

So it's your birthday today. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I regret having to leave the team. Jack's pretty upset with me. She feels like I abandoned her. Would it be too much trouble for me to ask? You know, if you'd look after her a bit. Not to the point of babying her. She'd notice and start yelling at you. My whole situation is too complicated for me to explain to other people. Including Jack.

It's back to the old grind for me. Except this time, I won't be making myself obvious in places like Afterlife's VIP section. I guess it's just—more of an aimless thing these days. I'm too scared to die out there. Too scared to really risk my life like that. I'm not a soldier like you are. But I think there's a bigger reason why I'm so afraid. There's a much bigger reason why I got so choked up before the final assault. The real reason why I had to say goodbye.

You said I should keep Keiji's greybox. It's all I have left of him now. I've kept him with me this way. I don't want to possibly die and lose him. I don't know what's waiting for me out there—after death. I don't know if it's some other life without Keiji. I don't want to find out. If you had told me not to keep that greybox, I probably would have stayed on with you. Or I would've died during the suicide mission.

I've made my peace with the way things are. So much so that I never want anything to change. Does that make sense? I hope you'll understand. I hope maybe someday, Jack will, too. Maybe she'll forgive me.

-Kasumi

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From: Solus, Mordin – Celebrations.

Shepard,

Wonderful news about birthday! Another year older. Wiser, more knowledge. Feel bad about leaving. Work is moving along with STG. What inspired change in career, return to old research? Your words about genophage from long ago. You disagreed with my methods, my reasons. Had been rethinking things during last mission. Didn't want to tell you. Too complicated. Never left thoughts.

Possible we may meet again under these circumstances. Another mission, another impossible task. Hopefully not too impossible. Would like to return to your hometown once war is over. Enjoyed perfect weather and beaches, plentiful oceans. Also enjoyed running tests on seashells. Oddly relaxing. Unusual.

Enjoy birthday and relaxation, Shepard. Can look back fondly on these days in upcoming future.

-Mordin

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From: Jack – (no subject)

Hey,

It's your birthday. I don't do that happy birthday shit. What's so happy about the day we got brought into this miserable existence? Do I sound emo when I say stuff like that? I sound emo as hell. Fuck.

Ugh, this is weird. What am I supposed to talk about? Oh right. Got my Mom to the Citadel. She's all settled into her new place in the Wards. It's a nice apartment, too. The real deal. Not the kinda place the people after her are gonna get. Whatever. She'll be fine. That's all that matters. Thanks for the help.

I'm back in town and everything. I've just been wandering around, hitting up different clubs. The girls in this city are fucking hot. I'm having the time of my life drowning away my problems in women and alcohol! The guys though? Not so much. Too many of these jackasses in your hometown remind me of Vega. BY THE WAY, I heard what happened with him. What the fuck?! I would've killed him. You're too nice, you know that? Not like a girl scout, but almost. You should've let me at him. I would've ripped him to shreds like he deserved. Wait, I'm not supposed to do that anymore? Not unless it's the Reapers? Fine.

Okay, this is going on way too long. I didn't get you a present cuz you're a low-key snob and I'm broke. All you're getting from me is this pointless email. Deal with it. I'll see you around whenever, all right?

-Jack

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From: Vakarian, Garrus – Another birthday message.

Commander,

It's your birthday again. Feels like your last one—while you were still alive—was just yesterday. A lot's happened in the blink of an eye. Never thought I'd have to move my family away from Palaven to the Citadel. Everything went smoothly, thanks to you. I appreciate the favor. I'll do my best to pay it forward.

I've been thinking a lot about our conversation. You know, the last one we had on the ship. Since then, I've tried to get back to a normal life. I'm heading down to South America with Joker and Kaidan in a few days. Think they told you about the baseball game. That's all well and good. I'm still feeling kind of lost. I suppose that's normal. It's not something a relationship or even a new mission can fix. I used to think I'd be okay if I could just settle down with someone. Turns out I had the wrong idea. The wrong approach.

This is something I have to figure out on my own. Your advice set me on the right path. I'll have my head in the game once it's time to blow up some Reapers. But I'm looking forward to the downtime, too. The quiet moments to myself, working in the main battery. I'm enjoying it now as a preview, doing what I can to help out with the Normandy's retrofits. All these calibrations have been calling my name. Sort of.

-Garrus

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From: Hackett, Admiral – Reinstatement.

Commander Shepard:

This letter formally acknowledges your reinstatement into the Alliance Navy per Councilor Anderson's recent written communication. Your work with Cerberus is finished. We're glad you're finally home.

Under Emergency War Powers Reg. 903.5, you are hereby authorized to assume command of the Normandy SR-2. When your next mission begins, you will be directed to begin interdiction operations against any and all enemies posing a threat to Earth, its colonies, and its allies.

Furthermore, you are granted diplomatic authority to establish treaties with non-human races as required to support your mission.

Sincerely,

Admiral Steven Hackett

P.S.—Have a good one today, Commander.

.

From: Liselle – Someone's getting old.

Commander,

Don't worry, I don't mean it. I'm just kidding. Well, maybe.

Jokes aside, I wanted to wish you a very Happy Birthday. Sorry we haven't been able to talk much. Work's taking up too much of my time these days. I know I should be grateful. Just doesn't leave a ton of time to relax or do other things. Are you enjoying your time off, Commander? When's the last time you had a break, anyway? If my sources are correct, you've pretty much been going-going-going ever since you became a Spectre. Yeah, you've had shore leave every now and then. This is different, isn't it?

I already know what's in store for the galaxy soon. This next war on our doorstep. I'll be stuck guarding a school building while your team's off fighting the big battles, saving the day. You're really lucky.

I hope we can see each other again sometime. You know, before you get too old. Let's forget that I'm 170 years older than you. You're more mature and experienced than I am. I'll always respect you for that.

-Liselle

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From: Moreau, Flight Lieutenant – More fun times (?)

Commander,

You're another year older, but things with you always stay the same! Know how I know this? After all this time, I still don't have your personal email address! Seems weird using mine to message your work email. Who's gonna cave first? Who'll blink first? You or me? Well, it's gonna be me. We already knew that.

On a serious note, I've been doing some soul-searching—or whatever you want to call it. I don't want this to turn into a whine-fest. I guess I just wanted you to know. I get that I was a huge asshole to EDI. She didn't deserve any of that bullshit from me. I took out my problems on her and it wasn't fair. But you know what the scary thing is? I wouldn't have acted that way if she were a 'he' instead. Like that whole dynamic of me being attracted to her made everything worse. I wouldn't have felt threatened if EDI had a male voice and a macho robot body instead. Isn't that bad? Yeah, that sounds pretty bad. I'm cringing.

I tried apologizing to her. EDI just kinda glossed over it. Guess she'd rather put it behind us. It's cool.

You know what else I noticed about EDI?! She likes you! YOU are the one she values most! Think about it. You're the captain of the ship. You're the one she's programmed to protect above everyone else! If the ship's on fire and there's only one person EDI can save, guess who she's picking? That's right—you!

Damn, I'm so jealous of you. You're a total chick magnet. Get it, Commander?! CHICK MAGNET. EDI's literally made of metal. You're a magnet. She's a chick, she's attracted to you. Right? Yeah? No…? Okay…

-Joker

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From: Justicar Samara – Your special day.

Commander,

Celebrations are in order for your birthday. I understand that you will primarily be spending the day with Aria. I have somehow wandered astray from the main city, finding my way far north to the place you call Greenland. These arctic chills do not bode well for the attire I have brought. I fear I will find worsening snows should I continue trekking in this same direction. Someone from the Alliance recommended I visit the Buddhist temples in India, or other similar regions on the Asian continent. Some Eastern religions apparently have a strong focus on meditation. I will be making my way in that direction very soon.

During my adventures on Earth, my thoughts have stayed with you. I wish there was more I could tell you. More warnings to give, more exceptions to make. I must simply let go and place our fates in your hands. Even with my peaceful nature, this is proving to be extraordinarily difficult. I hope to find better ways to cope during my travels. I pray that these next places of worship will offer the strength I need.

-Samara

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From: Tali'Zorah – Your birthday today.

Shepard,

I've had to rewrite this email to you about five different times. Please bear with me.

Liara and I left our birthday gift to you in the living room. We wanted to get you something practical. It was pretty funny, actually. She and I were going to get you the exact same thing by accident. Pure coincidence. We decided to split the bill instead. Thank goodness for that, too. Your present would have cost me a fortune if I'd purchased it on my own. Of course, I didn't want to spare any expense for you.

As for the Normandy. I know I've been delaying your walkthrough of the ship. There was always one more thing I wanted to touch up first. One more thing I wanted to make sure was perfect instead of 'just okay.' Sorry for the delays. I've got things under control now. Could you come by tomorrow and take a look? Joker and Kaidan have been pestering me about some baseball game next week. They're bringing Garrus with them, too. And they apparently can't miss this game for anything. I've been working them to the bone, and they do deserve a break. If you come by tomorrow, the guys can all leave the next day.

The old crew from the SR-2 are still with us. I'm still getting used to seeing people like Engineer Daniels in their Alliance fatigues. There are some old faces back as well, like Engineer Adams. And some new ones as well. Let's just say I'm highly amused by one of these new faces in particular. I technically haven't had a reason to be amused. I can feel it in the air. I'm not the only one who feels this way, either. You'll see.

Also. I still love you very much, Shepard. That includes this interesting dynamic we have now. Living with you has been very freeing. I hope we can continue this aboard the ship. I'm sure you know what I mean.

-Tali

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From: Urdnot Wrex – Another Shepard Day.

Shepard,

Birthdays aren't so depressing anymore. That's progress. Know what else is progress? Finally getting back on the team soon. I've been imagining it for a long time. Seemed impossible to fit in with my other responsibilities these days. I made a promise. I intend to keep my word. You earned my loyalty long ago.

Can't wait to see how much stronger you are. Think you could beat me in an arm wrestling match? Maybe we shouldn't try. Your arms are much longer than mine. You might beat me. Or if I beat you, I'd break your arm in half. Then you know who'd break me? Tali. Our little quarian girl would kick my ass.

There's Aria, too. She'd probably blast me right through the Normandy's hull. The image of that makes me laugh. I'm looking forward to fighting by her side, too. It'll be a nice change from fighting against her.

-Wrex

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From: EDI – Mathematics as emotions.

Shepard,

I would like to wish you a Happy Birthday. I contemplated whether or not I should purchase a gift for you. The specific gift I had in mind is valued at 12,500,350,499 credits. Unfortunately, I have not accrued this amount of credits from my salary as a member of the crew. At my current salary, the rate at which I might save up enough credits is abysmally low. Yet I also feel it would be inappropriate to ask for a raise.

This brings me to another topic. It is on this same subject of mathematics. Do you believe organic emotions as 'chemistry' can equate to synthetic values as mathematical formulae? When you feel pleasure, you experience heightened levels of dopamine in your brain. When you feel depressed or anxious, it is due to low levels of serotonin. I am curious if there is a measurable, observable similarity in how synthetics experience emotions. I ask this for reasons related to communication. I would like to know which words I should use to express myself. I would like to know how to say what I feel.

For now, I can say that I am happy to experience this day with you. I have used my emotions to add value to my work aboard the ship. It is fulfilling. I enjoy my time more because of this fulfillment. It is my hope that my work on the Normandy will serve as an adequate birthday gift for you. If this is not acceptable, please let me know. I will find other ways to procure the gift I mentioned, valued at 12,500,350,499 credits.

The lack of tension from my co-pilot has also added to my enjoyment. I thank you for that as well.

-EDI

.

From: Aria – Today's the day.

Babe,

Well, this is new. I don't think I've ever messaged anyone for their birthday. Aside from Liselle. Even then, I would mostly focus on the gifts I gave her. You can imagine what's going through my head right now.

I don't know what to say.

I included my birthday present(s) to you anyway. My apprehensions will make more sense once you see what I've sent. See attached.

-Aria

This heat from my hometown had persisted even in the autumn time. A summerlike birthday for me.

In the morning, after Tali and Liara went off to work, I went into the living room. To keep the sun out, I kept the blinds closed over all the windows in the apartment. I had read and replied to everyone's emails in this partial darkness, homely and comforting. Aria had decided to take an unusually long shower. She was still in the shower now, after I'd replied to my birthday emails, including hers. I had also discovered the birthday gifts she had sent me. But on her request, I went to find Tali and Liara's gift first.

In the living room along the wall, next to the blinded windows, this long table ran the length of the space. For the longest, I had simply kept my old sniper rifles here for display. Including the Spectre-grade rifle I'd used during our mission against Saren and the geth. I found a brand new one waiting for me:

Sleek and powerful, this massive sniper rifle put a huge smile on my face.

Liara and Tali had both chipped in to get me a Black Widow. A black-tinted variant of the Widow I already had, this model boasted a few other differences as well. Heavier, and with a better clip size, each individual shot wouldn't have been as powerful as my Widow. But I could fire three shots in a row before needing to reload. I could one-shot practically anything with the gun I had now, needing to reload after every single shot. I could see the Black Widow as more situational. This war would take us to more battlefields, facing endless enemies at once. I could dispose of enemies much quicker with a Black Widow, quickscoping and all. Not needing to waste as much time reloading would be a godsend.

I'd have to try it out at the firing range on the base soon enough. Maybe later on today.

Sitting down on the couch, I opened up Aria's present next. One of them, anyway. In her email earlier, she had attached numerous audio logs for me to listen to. Over the months, I would catch Aria journaling on occasion—jotting down her thoughts, or otherwise making dictations for whatever she had on her mind. The private journaling seemed like a coping mechanism for her. An aspect of her personality I never would've expected. So of course these audio logs had surprised me in the best way.

I placed my omni-tool's headphones into my ears. The surround sound of Aria's voice made a nice substitute for her physical absence, hiding from me in the shower as she did now. I smiled more as I listened to this first one.

"…I can't believe I'm doing this. I don't have a script or anything. Maybe I should've written one. Usually, when I record these logs for myself, it's about business. I have a lot to keep track of, as you can imagine. Hearing myself go over certain details out loud helps me remember them. I keep records of everything. But, you aren't business. Certainly not. You're my business. Everything you are, is my business. You belong to me. It's very easy for me to say that. It's not so easy for me to say how I really feel about you.

"You and I have been going steady for nearly six months now. It's hard to believe. Not to mention, you're always doing something for me. You treat me like a queen—even when I don't deserve it. I wanted to do something nice for you this time. Especially for your birthday. Now that all of this is sinking in, there is something I want you to know. It has to do with what I said a moment ago. How it isn't easy for me to express myself. Genuinely. It's second-nature for me to use those possessive, territorial terms. I'm used to owning people. I'm used to claiming women as my own. Yet I'm not foolish enough to see you that way.

"You're one of the few good things that has ever happened to me. Naturally, I spent most of these six months paranoid that you would leave me. Or that you would hurt me somehow. Or that I would screw things up anyway. Those self-fulfilling prophecies are never healthy. I suppose I didn't know how to let go with you. Even when we have sex, and you give me the best time of my life, I'm still holding back. Not as much as I used to before. I wish I could let these things go. Completely. I'm still going to try with you.

"I have no idea how you'll react to this. I figure I should prepare myself for anything. Or maybe I shouldn't prepare at all. I don't know. I don't like not knowing. The craziest thing I've ever done is to let myself be 'unprepared' around you. Unscripted as well. But I've learned that there's something beautiful about this. I don't have to be buttoned-up for you to adore me. I don't have to put on a show for you, or for anyone else. You only want me to be myself. And I will always love you for how authentic you are."

This tender echo of Aria's words stayed with me, long after I finished listening.

I noticed the shower water had stopped running in the bathroom. So I made my way back down the hall. I didn't expect to find Aria in bed or anything. She had the bathroom door slightly ajar. No heated mists billowing out to the bedroom. She must've finished with her shower some time ago, lingering inside.

I went and stood beside the door, calling to her, "Aria? Babe, you still in there?"

"Yes," came her reply, reverberating.

"Are you gonna come out?" I asked. No answer. "You're not hiding from me, are you?"

Aria took a short, shallow, shaking breath.

"I don't know."

"If you're nervous about the logs you sent me, we don't have to talk about them. I still appreciate you sending them to me." I heard her breaths quieting, but nothing more. "Why don't you come out here?"

After a moment, I next heard the soft rustling of a towel over her skin. Then Aria emerged from the bathroom at last. She had that towel resting over her shoulders, covering her back and her front. Every other part of her body, she kept completely exposed to me. I wrapped my arms around her. Needing her closer; needing this comfort of her against me. Softened by this towel, and softened by her mood, Aria leaned into me with ease. She hooked her arms around my shoulders, up and down my back, clamping there. Like she didn't want to let go. The plush of this towel muffled her quickened heartbeats, too.

I brought Aria to bed with me. Setting her down over her back, I kept the added comfort of the comforter bundled at our side. Watching the way Aria avoided my eyes, I tracked her sight, the shapes of her anxieties. Only when I glossed my lips over hers did she think to calm down.

"You're psyching yourself out," I told her.

"Could be," she considered. "Or maybe I'm just—broken. I don't understand what it means to have a healthy thing going. I know you'd never hurt me like that. I feel like I can't measure up and be normal."

"Who says you have to be normal?"

"No one, really. Maybe I'm not cut out for this sort of thing."

Maybe indeed. "Then what do you want, babe? What do you want to do?"

Aria considered her words carefully first. "I don't want to make this about me. My impotence with emotions, with feeling. I know I'll let go in my own ways. Those ways have nothing to do with normalcy. Instead, I want to put the onus on you. You're always so controlled. I want you to let go of that today."

"Hmm, in what ways?"

"Go strap up, Shepard. Then I'll show you exactly what I mean."

Heading over to my holo-closet, I sensed this shift in Aria's vibe. She watched me stand in front of this wall. She watched me strapping up, settling this extra angle of mine beneath my clothes. I stripped myself down to my boxer briefs below, and a binder over my chest, crisscrossing over the sinew of my shoulder blades. Aria remained perpendicular to me in my line of sight. I could see her out of the corner of my eye: how she stared at me with a different kind of hunger today. She eyed this shape of me, lean in height and chiseled in smoothness. No matter the confidence I projected, Aria couldn't read these questions on my mind. As she struggled to let go emotionally, I struggled to do the same, physically. I never wanted to overpower her. I never wanted to disrespect her. Yet I still wanted her as mine.

The moment I returned to Aria's side, she pulled me back down to the bed.

She kept me on top of her. On purpose. So purposeful as she leaned herself up and into me more.

Aria goaded me to grip her, to grab her, and to grope her. As hard as my grip would fit around her, and harder still, she needed this lock of me around her skin. Always this need of hers and my need to satisfy and to please. Always, even as these beginnings sent Aria on a high I barely recognized. She laughed in delight against the bite of my mouth over hers; she spurred and goaded, more, in her devilish delight.

Always, these depths of her voice kept me hard. "Are you sure you don't mind how messed up I am?"

Leaning into Aria more, I used still more of my strength to bear down on her. I didn't mind a thing except this ramping roller coaster she'd put me on—winding and spinning and falling. Grounding us both, Aria felt my answer between her. Pointed. Rigid. Raw. Already close to slipping out from the tight fabric of my briefs. More and more once Aria laughed over the feeling. And from the sight as she looked down.

"Babe, you're so impatient. You're still controlling yourself, too. Didn't I tell you to stop doing that?"

For as much as she laughed, and scolded me, and gripped my shoulders and my back, pulling me this way and that—she controlled me. Aria controlled me, building as this foreplay of her own making. She moved and manipulated me, stirring this smell of her enjoyment just between her, just beneath me.

I couldn't pin anything down.

I couldn't define anything of this moment, this heat.

I couldn't grab at anything except for Aria's wishes. This vessel of me as she wanted. Whatever she wanted. Anything she wanted, I would give to her, even as I struggled and spiraled on top of her.

Aroused by my projections and my erection, Aria didn't notice.

She smiled her amusement against my ear. She breathed the breaths of her laughter there, buoyant and brimming with such a demonic glee. All mixed with her fascinations, her arousals, as Aria palmed my front, her wrist upturned to feel me, like running her hand against a low, low ceiling over her. Down from the flattened, flexing clench of my abs, and down more, she stroked at this ego stroke I gave her. Practically bursting out of my briefs, I needed to fuck her. Barely holding onto my thoughts, I could but focus on this shape of Aria's hand against me, separated by this fabric. This fabric that made her touch that much softer, sharper in this fine shape of her hand, tracing me with this essence I couldn't resist. This warmth and this presence about her: all a constant excuse for me to stop thinking and ream her.

"Shepard, it's time to toss that aside. I'm here now. I'm yours. Act like it. Flip me around and take me already. Give me that rough side of you. If you won't, then I'll just have to pull it out of you myself…"

Aria pulled me out, rock solid already. Veining more from her direct touch. Pulsing, throbbing. I couldn't remember myself anymore. Every single contour of her hands, her fingers wrapped around me. Touch as movement, so purposeful from her; she stroked me with this sick grin on her face, knowing what she did to me. Aria could've kept this going, and could've jacked me off in seconds, all while she continued to laugh, and to breathe, and to sound her truth in just how much she got off to this. This controlling, this ventriloquism. This magic she held over me in holding me in her hand and having me like this.

So exquisite she sounded with her orders: "Shepard, do as I said. Turn me around. Face-down. Fuck me from behind. I want that strength of yours. The one you keep holding back." Her free hand, she used to track down my back, feathering her touch across this binder crossing over my spine. Aria delighted over this reflexive flexing from my muscles, hardening and tightening beneath my skin. "I think…you're too hung-up on respecting me. You can respect me more by giving me what I want. As long as it's not too much for you. We have our safe word. You can use it at any time. Do you feel like you need it now?"

Seeing black, seeing color, seeing nothing and everything at once; I blinked these confusions away.

"I don't need it, babe," I promised. "I'm—overwhelmed. But I don't want you to stop."

"Well, then." Aria lounged back against the bed, all of her temptations on full display. "I'm waiting."

Grabbing hold of her waist, I picked Aria up and turned her around. Such a loudened moan of surprise scratched out from her throat. Heightened, more—Aria shifted herself on all fours. She lowered her head and raised up her waist, backing her ass up into me. I grabbed hold of the back of her neck, angling her head down more and more. Aria curled her body upward, screaming in this tearing delight. She backed into me more and more as I pushed myself inside of her. Just the tip at first, and then sliding in the rest, as ridiculously soaked as she'd already gotten. She pulled me all the way in, clenching in need.

Gripping her shoulder for leverage, I fucked the hell out of her.

I rammed into Aria as hard as I could.

Not just physically. I got into her head this hard and stayed there. I stayed upright on my knees, towering above her from behind. Aria shocked herself in how she sounded. So fucking weak and vulnerable. Completely against her damned image with everyone else. I fucked her harder anyway. I railed her for pulling this out of me. I looked down at Aria beneath me, this length of her long back rippling unseen from these continued shocks. Shock after shock from me giving her exactly what she wanted. Shock after shock into electrocutions up and down her entire body. She could barely handle it.

"This is what you wanted," I growled over her screams. "Isn't it? You fucking like that, don't you?"

Aria couldn't even speak anymore.

This heightened frenzy from her sounds, breathless and manic, worked her into a near-panic of need.

She couldn't exist without me in her like this. Ramming her. Taking her. Owning her.

These continued drips from me foreshadowed how badly I needed to claim her, soaking and filling her. I held onto my only thoughts. I held onto my only control, stopping myself from getting off too soon.

Because I felt so goddamned privileged. So honored to get to fuck Aria like this. A golden opportunity without the actual gold, and I had found it, and taken it, taking her like this. I could actually give this to her. I could actually nail her like this, and she enjoyed it. Aria loved this from me—someone so much older, with so much more experience, and she had chosen me anyway. Aria had chosen me specifically because of these fucked up differences between us. Just similar enough for me to understand her. Just enough for me to know how to grab her, how to angle myself inside of her like this; how to pace myself and jack into her. I stripped Aria of any dignity she thought she could've kept with me. She cried out in the most insidious of pleasures over me taking this away. Just as I had gotten in her head, she'd slipped her way into mine. As much as I lorded myself over Aria, she had pulled this out of me in the first place.

This age difference between us and what it meant.

Not the obvious. Not the raw numbers.

That I could fuck her raw and make her come and shudder like this, so violently, boosted my ego.

That I could tear away her ego, bringing Aria down where she belonged—it spun me around, twisting at my morals and my principles and my beliefs, starting this long, long spiral. I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop pleasing her. I couldn't stop fucking Aria long enough to take a breath, to take a sip of water, to take her in my mouth before I needed to tear into her again. She had given me this privilege, after all. Aria had specifically chosen me to do her bidding. She had me place her on this pedestal, only to fuck her on it, to brag to everyone that I'd had her. Twisted and maniacal, Aria knew only she could give this to me. She kept me fed and watered and strong and healthy. Of course she could do whatever she wanted with me. Of course she turned me into her single-minded servant, endlessly entertained by this transformation.

This back-and-forth, give-and-take went on and on. All throughout the day, blending into the night. This smell of our sex stuck to the bedroom walls, altering the make of the room. I stopped to light a few candles at night. Aria cooked for me, and fed me, and replenished me in every way I needed. Her eyes gleamed in the heat of the candlelight, watching me, studying me. She had found these perversions of mine and brought them out. I couldn't put them back. I couldn't keep hiding them from her anymore.

Aria and I kept on and on. Losing track of time. Losing these boundaries, these blockades between us. She had found the perfect way to mold me. The perfect way to prime me and prepare me as she wanted and preferred. Aria spent all night crafting me into this different perspective. This different way of moving and touching her and experiencing her. She worked to erase my past and create a new future, where only she mattered. As if Aria herself consisted solely of my past, rearranged and reflected anew.

I let her break me into this because I loved her so.

The next day, the day after my birthday, I just barely remembered my other commitments.

Tali had asked me to do a walkthrough of the Normandy today.

She purposely chose not to send me an email with a reminder. I didn't have to imagine why.

By the afternoon, I scrambled out of bed, showered, and got dressed. I somehow made myself presentable. This veneer with my uniform was just that—a façade. A way to hide away these lingering aftereffects from Aria's influence over me. She claimed she would stay here at home while I was out. She would use the QEC in the living room to coordinate more Omega business with her lieutenants. Although she made a point to lounge in bed, covered only by the sheets soaked of us, watching me get ready at this breakneck pace. Enthralled from our time together, I kissed her before I left, lingering.

"Don't keep me waiting too long, Shepard."

I forced myself to drive my car at a respectable speed. Driving to the usual Alliance base, I reflected on this new craze of mine. I had already made up my mind, though. As soon as I finished with the Normandy today, I needed to go shopping. I needed to get something for Aria. Something special for her. I could not come back home to her empty-handed. Not after everything she'd just given me.

At the same time, this dichotomy had started tearing at something in me.

During our whole marathon, Aria got exactly what she wanted. She'd turned me into such a sadistic, uncaring monster. But in a way I could come back from. I did it now, driving through traffic and behaving like a regular member of society, military and all. The best sex Aria and I had ever had, and I had this terrible aftershock of guilt. This guilt from treating her like an object. This guilt over handling her so thoughtlessly. Even as those same things had driven her wild for all of yesterday, all of last night, and all of this morning before the afternoon. I couldn't quite reconcile the two ideas. These dichotomies.

I needed to find some way to cope, to accept these contradictions. Somehow.

Because if things had reversed, and Aria thought these things about me, I would've ran away from her.

The difference being she wanted these things. She craved these perversions from me and me alone.

The difference being I wanted no part of this if she were in my place instead. From no one. Never, ever.

After parking in my designated spot in the garage, I made my way inside the Alliance base.

I returned to the Normandy's private docking bay at long last.

And I found such a beautiful sight of my ship, rebranded and repaired. The Alliance logo next to the solid black lettering of Normandy. The sleek streaks of black and blue over the predominant whitened silvers, gleaming in the sunlight of my sunny hometown. I smiled in pride. Everything looked perfect already.

Inside the Normandy, I found the same story. This pleasing nostalgia of the blues and grays around, reminding me of the old SR-1. The sleek, polished surfaces. The orderly sense from every single wire and tube set neatly into place. No longer arid and lifeless like the last version of the ship. A real comfort wrapped around me, listening to the sounds of the crew typing at their stations down the bridge. They all wore their Alliance fatigues, too.

Finally flying with Alliance colors, I finally felt at home on my ship again.

Rounding the corner from the airlock, I went to the cockpit first. I found Joker in the main seat with EDI next to him on the right-hand side as usual. The screens and the consoles gave off a faint orange glow, highlighting along the blues everywhere. The sliced windows stayed open here in the cockpit, shining in the sunlight from the docking bay. Eventually the stars would shine in again once we left this dry-dock.

"Hey, Commander!" said Joker. "Tali finally let you aboard? Heck, we thought we were never gonna see you again. She's been working us like crazy! I know she wants everything to be perfect for you and all. Got kinda hectic the other day. But it's worth it! The old girl's back in shape and better than ever!"

"The Normandy's looking great," I agreed. "I appreciate all the hard work, Joker. Have you had the chance to chill out at all? Or have you just been stuck here?"

"I mean, Tali's not a total lunatic. We work regular hours and all that good stuff. Still get time to hit the city at night. Jack took me out last week. She found this crazy spot with all these single girls. I broke my three-year streak of not getting laid! Just don't tell anyone about that last part. Real embarrassing."

"Congratulations…?"

"Gee, thanks, Shepard! The next time I need a wingman, I know exactly who to call!"

Actually, that reminded me of something.

"So, right before the suicide mission," I started. "Everyone went to the 94. You know, after we went to the beach and everything. What the hell were you doing with Kaidan and Garrus? In the restroom?"

Joker cracked up laughing. "Oh, man, I never told you! Okay, first off, I wasn't the only one dealing with a dry streak. Kaidan is Kaidan, and Garrus is way too shy around women he's trying to flirt with. We ended up getting way too drunk while we ate dinner after the beach. Once we got to the club, I convinced Kaidan to take a load off with me. I didn't think Garrus would want to. So then Kaidan started watching porn in the bathroom with me. Garrus found us and he got roped in, too. Went down a rabbit hole and saw some, uh, crazy BDSM shit. Pun intended. We couldn't stop. Still traumatized over it."

"That's it? The three of you were watching fetish porn?"

"Yeah! We haven't done it since then. I've officially sworn off porn for like, the next year at least."

"I guess that makes sense."

"Why wouldn't it?" he asked. "That's kinda what I used to do all the time, in case you forgot."

I stayed as vague as possible. "Let's just say there were some rumors going around about that. I didn't buy them at the time."

"Wait. You're kidding! What rumors are you talking about?!"

I didn't want to say it.

Joker got creative anyway, figuring it out for himself.

He blew up, "No freaking way! People seriously thought I was in the bathroom having a threesome with my best guy friends?! Who the hell came up with that!?" Joker glared at his co-pilot next to him. "EDI! Was that some hypothesis of yours?"

"Oops," was all EDI said, still working at her station.

"I can't believe this!" raged Joker. "Who else spread the rumors around? Was it Tali and Liara!?" I stayed silent, not wanting to confirm or deny anything. He knew anyway. "Argh, I knew it! Where the heck are they?! I'm gonna kill them!"

Not Liara.

I scolded him, "Don't joke about that."

"It just slipped out, okay?! You know what I mean! Man, how did that rumor even get around?!"

"I'd better leave you to your raging," I offered. "As long as you handle this in a civilized way."

"I will, I will…" Then Joker lit up all of a sudden. "By the way! We've got an FNG aboard, Commander!"

"An FNG?" I questioned. "A Fucking New Guy? Like Jenkins during our first mission?"

Joker cackled like a maniac. "Nope! It's a girl this time, not a guy. She's gonna give off that FNG energy as soon as she sees you—I just know it! I mean that in the nicest way possible, though. It's totally innocent, but really freaking hilarious. Tali's the one who pointed it out to me. I can't un-see it now!"

"How are you so certain?"

"I'm like a psychic, Commander," he claimed, so entertained. "Trust me, you'll know when it happens!"

"If you say so. Carry on, Joker."

"Aye, aye, Ma'am!"

Shaking my head over Joker's wicked glee, I went over to EDI's side next.

"How's it going, EDI?" I asked her. "Everything okay with you?"

"Hello, Shepard," replied EDI with a smile. "Everything is going well. Tali has been pleased with my work aboard the Normandy. She has cited my persistent efforts as a source of positive morale for the crew. She has also mentioned Legion as a similar contender. I believe her views toward synthetic lifeforms has changed significantly following our previous mission. She is no longer bound by the quarians' experiences during the Morning War. I am both surprised and satisfied to witness her shifting opinions."

"You definitely sound like you're in a better mood these days. Like what you said in your email to me."

"Yes, that is true. Aside from maintaining the Normandy, I have also found another source of amusement. We have a handful of new crew members aboard the ship. With this recent influx, I have received an unusual amount of romantic attention from them. They appear to be infatuated with me."

Joker chimed in, "You mean that FNG we were talking about earlier?"

EDI gave a cryptic reply, "Perhaps."

"It has to be her! I mean, she didn't tell you to your face or anything. Did you hear her talking about it?"

"I have overheard an abundance of 'fantasies' she has accidentally spoken out loud. Usually while muttering to herself after a verbal exchange with me. She has been unsuccessful in speaking quietly enough to avoid me overhearing. I don't believe she knows what I now know of her thoughts."

A new ship, a new crew, and another new dynamic to deal with.

Once again, I felt woefully unequipped to deal with this people aspect.

A little too invested, Joker asked, "So, like, would you ever date her? Is that where this is going?"

EDI responded, "I would need to contemplate the possibility. But I will not say no at this time."

"That's literally the best thing I've heard all week."

"Really, Jeff? Why do you feel that way?"

"Well…"

"I should go," I announced. "You two enjoy your conversation. Tali and Liara are waiting for me."

EDI simply gave me another smile.

Joker grinned, waving goodbye. "See ya, Commander!"

Making my way down the bridge, I found my chief engineer and XO waiting for me. Standing in the CIC together, they both smiled at me in greeting. Behind them stood the other members of my crew manning the CIC. Most of them, familiar faces. The others, completely new. They each saluted me all the same, proud to serve. In the center of the area, ahead of the galaxy map, that orange holographic image of the Normandy glowed through the pleasing blue of the area. Only a few spots shone as red problem locations, still needing attention. The rest of the ship looked as pristine as it possibly could've been.

"Welcome aboard, Commander," greeted Liara. "It is wonderful to see you on the ship at last."

"Hello, Captain," said Tali. "I have to agree. This is a great milestone for us. We're proceeding apace."

"Thanks for the hard work, you two," I told them. "I can tell it's paying off. The ship's in good hands."

Tali offered, "Would you like a tour now? I'm afraid we'll have to skip the crew deck and the engineering deck. We're still working on renovations to the crew's quarters and Liara's new office. The drive core still needs the most work, too. But everything else is ready to go, including your private cabin."

"Let's take a look around. I don't mind waiting a while to see the rest."

Walking around a bit, Liara gestured to the CIC around us. "Well, then—to start off, the Combat Information Center is largely the same. The galaxy map is right where you left it. You can use the map to set the Normandy's destination just as before." I nodded in approval over the new paintjob surrounding the galaxy map. "Though I told the crew not to bother installing a computer on the left-hand side. You never used your private terminal there on the old ship. I know you prefer working alone in your room."

As I followed Tali and Liara, I noticed a few other changes. The door where the armory used to be was no more. I only spotted a small room there for storage. We walked past that area, and the elevator, leaving to the door where the lab had once been. Passing through, we walked by one of the new crew stationed on that right-hand side of the galaxy map. I couldn't get a decent look at her from here. But I felt her staring at me so fucking hard. She must have thought I hadn't noticed. Because if I did look at her, I knew she would've snapped right back around to avoid my notice.

Meanwhile, I could practically feel Liara and Tali's amusement over this, bursting at the seams.

Heading through this next area, I found the long table from the old comm room. The crew had relocated the table in this conference room surrounded by bulletproof glass. A few windows flanked the area, fully open to the light outside. We'd even passed through some sort of security scanner to get in here. I wanted to ask what we needed all this secrecy for—until we arrived to the next room, answering my concerns.

Rounded and packed with monitors, screens, and other stations, this two-level room looked like the brain of the ship. Numerous other crew members worked at their panels, or consulted their neighbors to share information. Behind this area, I spotted what looked like a new vid comm, sequestered off from the room itself with enough privacy.

Tali explained, "We added this war room as a strategic command center. It's mostly for mission-specific intel and war analysis." Working at the main console in the very center, Kaidan saluted me. "Kaidan's coordinating the Alliance's current war assets. We'll have proper real-time updates on all theaters of war throughout the galaxy. Even if other systems go down outside the ship, we won't be affected."

"As you noticed," added Liara, "The room back there is the vid comm. Our communications specialist installed a new QEC for you. It will be useful for reaching Admiral Hackett or the Council." Communications specialist? "Speaking of that, why don't we introduce you to our new specialist? You saw her earlier on our way in here."

"Yes, we should," agreed Tali, rather devilish. "This way, Captain. We'll introduce you now. She's been dying to meet you. Then we'll head down the elevator to the cargo hold. How does that sound to you?"

I narrowed my eyes in suspicion. "Sounds ominous."

Returning to that right-hand side of the galaxy map, we found that new member of the crew standing at her terminal. She had forced herself to focus on her work. Too focused now, she didn't notice my group.

Liara tapped her shoulder. "Specialist Traynor, do you have a moment? This is Commander Shepard—"

This Specialist Traynor spun around, about-face, coming face-to-face with me.

Well, mostly. I had to look down to regard her properly, with how short she was compared to me. Not as if it mattered. She couldn't stand to keep eye contact with me for longer than a few seconds. And following those few seconds, she let out an unusual sound. Like she had let her imagination run too wild in front of me, and she couldn't stop it. I scowled more, not realizing I had just made the problem worse.

Traynor blurted out, "Hi! Hello! Commander Shepard… Commander Shepard! It is so very, very nice to meet you!" Despite her frantic, breathless speech, I picked up on her regional English accent. London-based: that recognizable pronunciation sharp enough to cut glass with. Probably born into wealth and privilege—the polar opposite of me, glowing as fear in her dark eyes. "Uhm, please excuse me! I-I need to get a hold of myself, don't I? I'm Traynor Specialist—err, Samantha—Sam?—no, Specialist Traynor!"

Liara and Tali somehow held it together behind me.

Any second now, I knew they'd burst out laughing at this poor soul. They didn't want to embarrass her.

Burying her face in her hands, Traynor muttered out, "Oh, dear lord… I'm making a total fool of myself, aren't I? I-I mean, I've seen you before from a distance. But actually seeing you up close…!" She perked up, cringed at herself, and then started babbling again: "I'm so sorry, Commander! You didn't sign up for any of this from me! I swear to you, I rehearsed this for weeks! This isn't going as well as I'd hoped…"

I deadpanned, "Specialist. You're doing way too much. Why are you so flustered around me?"

Specialist Traynor sighed in a dreamy hypnotism. "Goodness, I don't even know how to answer that with words. How do I respond to your question in a professional manner?" She tried so hard to keep herself grounded. "You just give off—a vibe. A certain energy. An exceedingly confident vibe and energy, Commander. I can, um, certainly tell that you're good at what you do! You're very good at it!"

Tali and Liara both snorted with laughter, unable to hold it in anymore.

Oh, man…

Burning a deep red behind her bronzed complexion, Traynor changed her tune. "Okay, this has all gone horribly wrong! Please let me start over!" She saluted me with a shaky poise. "I'm Comm Specialist Samantha Traynor, with Alliance R&D. I'm a new member of the team, helping out with the retrofits to the Normandy. I-I'm used to working in a lab. I never thought I'd be serving on a ship! But you apparently only had a skeleton crew who stayed on with you from your last mission. They're all incredibly loyal, I've seen. The higher-ups decided you could still use some additional hands around."

"Report, Specialist. What have you completed during the retrofits thus far?"

"We upgraded communications and removed the Cerberus tech, Commander. The ship's in-line with Alliance regs now, and it has new, top-of-the-line quantum entanglement communicators. Your chief engineer beside you assigned me to oversee the installations. I'm happy to report everything went smoothly."

Was she supposed to be a permanent addition to the crew, or was she only here to help with the retrofits?

As if reading my mind, EDI spoke over the intercom, "Shepard, some of our systems require further testing. Specialist Traynor has been extremely effective during installation. I would prefer that she remain with us."

"Noted," I responded.

Traynor gave a nervous laugh. "I can't believe we have such a hyper-advanced AI on the crew… Joker tried to lie to me, claiming EDI was just a VI. I didn't buy it. EDI is far too developed to be a run-of-the-mill virtual intelligence. She's her own person by now. Why did he bother lying to me, anyway?"

"Jeff requested that I pretend to be a simple VI to protect myself. I apologize for the attempted deception."

Looking up at the ceiling, Traynor replied, "Thanks, EDI. If only I knew better than to speak out loud about how…attractive your voice is. And I'm doing it again now! My foot perpetually belongs in my mouth, it seems." Then she regarded me, fright taking over anew. "I'm so sorry, Commander… There are actually a few reasons why I'm behaving like this… It's not just the obvious! I hope you'll understand."

"What else is there to understand?"

"W-Well, I'm from Horizon," she explained. "You and your team dealt with the Collectors a few months back. Those monsters abducted some of my friends at home… I'll never see them again now. But I'm grateful for the many other people you managed to save. Myself included. And my parents as well."

I asked in surprise, "You were on Horizon when the Collectors hit the colony?"

"Yes, unfortunately… I was there visiting my Mum and Dad when the attack happened. It's kind of a miracle. I remember hiding away in our home. The Collectors came close to finding us… My parents and I watched as you and your team fought them—right outside our window. You were incredible to see in action, Commander! You saved our lives that day. You really are the best infiltrator in the galaxy."

What a coincidence.

From what I knew, as well, Horizon wasn't exactly Bekenstein in terms of wealth and privilege for human colonies. Horizon was just a humble farming colony out in the Terminus Systems. So maybe Traynor wasn't as well-off as I had assumed from her accent.

I didn't know what else to say, other than—"Thanks. I'm glad you and your parents survived."

Traynor smiled at me in a bright-eyed innocence. "Speaking of home, are you from this city we're in? When I got the orders to ship out here, I wondered why you weren't at the main HQ in Vancouver."

"Yes, I'm from here," I answered. "San Diego is my hometown."

"Oh, it's been a lovely place to stay! I heard about the great weather, the getaway spots, the many places to eat, and the beaches—and the sights are all to die for! Did you go to uni here as well?"

"Uni? Do you mean university? College?"

Traynor laughed over our differences. "University, yes! You Americans don't say 'uni', do you? Sorry!"

Even though Liara and Tali had stopped laughing, I felt their joy radiating. They hoped I would continue on with this small-talk. If only to make this new member of our crew feel more comfortable with us. I hated this kind of thing. But I couldn't afford to be too grumpy toward someone who didn't deserve it.

I just wished Traynor would have paced herself earlier. This conversation had already left me emotionally exhausted.

I replied anyway, "I went to military school for my degree and officer's credentials. Nothing special."

"You mean you're not a fan of school? Or academia in general?"

"It's not for me."

Traynor frowned in dismay. "That's a shame…but I understand. I actually went to Oxford myself. On a full scholarship from the Alliance. I'd hoped to pick your brain about your own time during school." She seemed to lose her focus as she looked at me this time. Something of my natural intensity, however unintentional, had set her off. "You know what? I'm not even going to say anything more! I refuse to put my foot in my mouth again! I've already made things terribly awkward for us both. I feel awful now."

I scowled in annoyance, not knowing what to say.

Not knowing how to react to my silence, Traynor babbled again, this time even worse than before. I could hardly make out anything coherent from her breathless commentary this time. Something about, "You must deal with this from women all the time, don't you? I'm hopeless, aren't I? I'm really hopeless." Then she terrified herself: "Oh, God, your girlfriend is Aria T'Loak. Aria T'Loak! Isn't she that infamous asari mafia boss who runs Omega?! She's going to kill me once she finds out about this!"

Too turned off to deal, I willed my body to float away from this person.

She kept trying to apologize in my wake. I ignored her, leaving for the elevator. Joining me at my side, Liara and Tali at least waited for the door to close—before they broke out into another fit of giggling.

Tali sighed in fondness. "Traynor's really sweet, isn't she? I think she's harmless. Can we keep her?"

Liara joked, "Her awkwardness feels painfully familiar. I can sadly relate to her troubles today."

I pressed the button to take us down to the cargo hold.

Liara and Tali both knew I didn't want to discuss what had happened. Smiling, they left the issue alone.

Down on the Normandy's lowest level, we exited the elevator. This warehouse-like openness of the shuttle bay felt familiar to me. This space carried the handful of conversation from the crew working off in the distance, down across the length of the gangplank. On either side of the area, I spotted two identical models of Alliance shuttles. Closer, nearer, the armory took up much of this space. Several pistols, shotguns, submachine guns, sniper rifles, and assault rifles lined the walls, each organized by size and shape. The armory table lit up along the left side, surrounded by different panels and consoles.

Tali gave some context, "As you can see, we moved the armory down here, where it used to be on the SR-1. We can gear up and head to the shuttle nearby. And that looks like our shuttle pilot right over there."

I approached the man working at a console on the right-hand side, closest to the shuttle.

"Commander," he spoke, perfectly formal as he saluted me. "Lieutenant Steve Cortez. Shuttle Pilot. It's an honor to meet you, Ma'am. We're all really happy you stopped by to take a tour today."

"Lieutenant," I stated. "Looks like you're hard at work here. Are you handling the ship's supplies?"

Cortez clarified, "I'm in charge of our supply chains, too. I can network us to the Citadel's retailers whenever necessary. You'll be able to view inventory and make purchases right from this console. I'm still sorting out these last few details, but it'll all work smoothly once it's time for us to ship out."

"So you're our shuttle pilot, but you're also setting up procurement chains?"

"I wasn't assigned as the Normandy's pilot—Joker's got that taken care of. I'm overseeing the retrofits here in the cargo hold. I'm quite familiar with the operation and maintenance of the UT-47 Kodiak and the M-44 Hammerhead. Got into a few friendly debates with your gunnery officer Garrus Vakarian about the Mako, too. With my experience, it makes the most sense for me to take over as shuttle pilot once the next mission starts. Unless—you don't want me to, that is."

"Sounds like you're perfectly qualified, Lieutenant. I don't have any objections."

Cortez smiled in relief. "Glad to hear it, Commander," he said. "I'm also responsible for logistics, making sure the armory and shuttle are properly stocked and maintained. If you decide later on I'm not cut out for flying, I'm at least useful someplace else."

"Understood. How long have you been with the Alliance?"

"About ten years. I enlisted in the First Fleet serving on the SSV Hawking, flying F-61 Tridents, mostly. I love the Trident. Practically dances in low atmo. I spent as much time tinkering on my bird as I did flying her. Got a bit of a reputation."

"So you can fly fighters and fix them."

"Yeah, and I've got a knack for procurement, like I mentioned earlier. They were grooming me for CAG, but my skillset made me more valuable commanding a flight deck. They assigned me to the Normandy retrofit team as soon as you made it back to Earth. I'm specifically overseeing all cargo bay modifications. I don't actually maintain the armory, though. We've kind of been bouncing that responsibility around between crew members." Cortez smiled at Liara. "Even our XO Dr. T'Soni had to get her hands dirty a couple times. If there's one thing we're lacking, it's an arms specialist."

I responded, "We had an arms specialist with us before. He won't be joining us for the next mission."

"I heard, actually," mourned Cortez. "I knew Lieutenant Vega myself. Served together a few years back. He was a fine soldier. Really looked up to you, Ma'am. Shame he decided to leave. I tried asking him about it, but I didn't get much of an answer. He ever say what his reasons were?"

"You'll have to keep asking him if you want the truth, Cortez."

"Oh, I see… Guess I'll keep at it, then. Any idea who'll work the armory for us in his place?"

I sighed over the inconvenience. "I'll handle it for now. I might have to figure something out later."

"Copy that," replied Cortez. "By the way… I may have heard some interesting rumors going around. From just a few minutes ago, actually. Sounds like our comms specialist is crushing pretty hard on you."

"We're not doing this, Cortez. I don't tolerate gossip on my ship. Especially when it's about me. Save those distractions for a drunken night out during shore leave. Not aboard the Normandy. Am I clear?"

Cortez saluted me again, true fear trembling through his eyes. "Perfectly clear, Ma'am! I apologize for my behavior. I'll spread the word, too. Won't happen again!"

Whatever. "That'll be all, Lieutenant."

"Aye, aye, Commander!"

Needing to leave this mess behind, I returned to the elevator with Tali and Liara.

I hoped they got the message, too. I didn't want anyone gossiping about Traynor. At thevery least, not aboard the ship. If they wanted to do it someplace else, I couldn't stop them. I didn't like it, but anything that happened outside the Normandy was fair game. The two of them seemed to understand, anyway.

Proving they understood, Tali and Liara departed to the crew deck without me.

They let me go up to my private cabin alone. They knew I needed my space for a while. I appreciated their intuition to know.

I arrived to the meditative silence of my room. The captain's quarters.

Everything stayed exactly as I'd left it. The customized blacklight of my room instead glowed on through this return to blue. Alliance through and through. Even the light from my empty fish tank comforted me, as always, waters bubbling for show and nothing more. Walking down these few steps below, I sat down on my couch cornered at this angle. I stared up at my huge vid screen against the opposite wall. Blank.

More complicated than this impending war, I feared dealing with my people again. Dealing with my crew, my team again—their quirks, their troubles, their flaws and humanity. I'd have to somehow balance my own problems with everyone else's. I felt obligated to, mainly because of my failures from before. If I had actually intervened in Joker's problems with EDI, maybe he could've figured shit out sooner, and we wouldn't have lost anyone on the team. Maybe, what if. I didn't know. No guarantees.

I considered meditating for a while. If only to clear my head.

Though maybe not here. Not aboard the ship. I could still feel everyone's vibes trying to reach me through the walls, from below-deck, from everywhere. I felt them like a multitude of webs trying to catch me and pin me down, endlessly suffocating. My meditations could wait until I returned home.

Maybe, just as well, I should have trusted my instincts more.

Trusting my better judgment once and for all. These strange, human cycles repeating themselves.

Maybe, just maybe, the sun knew better than I did after all. About people. About life. About everything.

(Aria)

I couldn't help this feeling that someone had pressed the reset button on Shepard's factory settings.

Didn't that make her sound like a machine? I supposed it did. She had always gotten along better with synthetics, like EDI and Legion. I knew she preferred their company to most organic people. After all this time I'd known her, I had only begun seeing the reasons why. Even then, a lot of it seemed up for interpretation. As I had spent these past few weeks observing her with great care, I noticed the change.

October had since blended into November, bringing with it a snap freeze of chill compared to before.

Whenever Shepard and I stayed at home together, she would keep the heater on. Not necessarily for me alone. For herself as well. The constant heat seemed to comfort her, keeping her mostly calm. Gentle and sincere, Shepard preferred staying in bed with me. She would lie her head over my chest, comforted by my bare breasts, usually after she'd just spent hours giving me the best sex I could imagine. She would rest over me, often while I used my omni-tool to get a bit of work done. I would still keep her close to me. I adored and admired her like this, marveling over how precious she felt. Yet I would also feel a bittersweet pang whenever we did this. I had nurtured a strong need to protect Shepard in this state. She seemed so vulnerable. Like she needed me to shelter her from something.

The problems tended to arise whenever we went out together. When we left her apartment, Shepard would typically put her guard up. She would take me out around the city. Out to dinner, out shopping, out sightseeing. Shepard even rented a yacht for us to escape for a couple of days and nights together. She spent those nights seducing me over candlelit dinners out at sea; she spent those days charming me with facts and tidbits about her hometown, and about Earth in general. Shepard had seemed normal during that getaway because we'd had no one else around us. But the moment we went out again, surrounded by people again, she would go right back to that state. Militant in her ironclad mask.

Shepard would still act the same. She would hold my hand, let me walk through any doors first, and pull out the usual chairs for me to sit down. I didn't get the sense that her behaviors had turned robotic with me. Like when she took me back to Mission Beach—just the two of us that time—Shepard had even offered to ride that gigantic roller coaster with me. I had laughed over the idea, but ultimately declined, appreciating her gesture anyway. Shepard had laughed with me, too. But in the back of her mind, I could tell. She hated the fact that people would always stare whenever we went out. She couldn't escape their eyes, their judgments. She couldn't be invisible all the time, outright avoiding anyone perceiving her.

At some point soon, all those people would start panicking and dying, all while getting crushed and harvested by the Reapers.

Shepard could handle the war. I sensed no hesitations on her end about the next mission. She knew what we had to do. She felt most comfortable with the idea of fighting again. She wanted to do her job.

She did not want to handle the people aspect that came along with this.

I knew this even more so because of her other avoidances. Shepard had only gone to check up on the Normandy again once or twice. Even then, she hadn't stayed for long. She would leave, and I would start a call with Bray with the QEC in Shepard's living room. Then Shepard would be back by the time I finished with my call. She would always be in a bad mood compared to when she'd left the apartment. Of course, Shepard never took anything out on me. She remained mindful enough to relax again once she saw me. Nevertheless, this whole thing had left me exceedingly curious. I wanted to know more.

Reading the team's chat hadn't produced much evidence. They were too busy with the Normandy's retrofits to really stop and type to each other. I did notice that Kasumi and Mordin had left the chat room. Garrus had respectfully removed Zaeed and Javik, not wanting everyone to carry on as if nothing had happened. I wouldn't find any answers there.

I continued worrying about Shepard day after day.

These troubling developments with her mood, and her avoidances had yet to let up.

As these next days passed, I began to see the bigger picture, too.

The Alliance had practically dumped everything on her shoulders. They expected Shepard to take down the strongest Reaper forces, one by one. They expected Shepard to be an ambassador and a diplomat, based on the email Admiral Hackett had sent her, giving her express permission to brokertreaties between other species. They expected Shepard to assemble our galactic forces, taking on the Reapers in specific theaters of war to save our allies, and then for our allies to return the favor during the final battle. They all but demanded that Shepard change her job title to Commander of the Milky Way.

Then there was the matter of my duties to her.

I needed to protect Shepard—both literally and figuratively. Yet every time I went to sleep, and I awoke in Insomnia, nothing would change. I still hadn't earned my title as President. I still hadn't earned my place as her protector. Shepard had brought me so much closer to her in real life, and still I had to wait.

Waiting and waiting for too long didn't seem wise to me.

Our time was almost up.

If this change didn't happen soon, then Shepard would be vulnerable. She'd have no protections against the Reapers, against their indoctrination. She would fall. And I would lose her. We would all lose her.

Why hadn't this change happened naturally by now?

Why did I need to keep waiting and waiting and waiting for Insomnia's head office to open up to me?

Why did it look like my only option was to accept help from Ashley? Ashley!

Why did I feel so fucking helpless about this?

Anxiety wracked me day by day. Each day that passed through November, the window for the Reapers to invade came that much closer. November or December. They could've hit tomorrow. Or today. Right this second. The war could've rained down on Shepard's hometown at any moment. People dying in the streets. Gunfire ringing across the entire planet. Starships falling as comets burning down from the sky. Any second. Any second. Any second now. Now, or now, or this now or that now. I couldn't focus on anything else. I couldn't talk to Shepard, or answer her questions whenever she worried about me.

I went to sleep that night with reddened eyes and a searing migraine.

When I opened my eyes again, completely lucid, another set of blankets covered me. I had awoken in my bedroom in Insomnia. This version of my penthouse back on Thessia in my snowy hometown. Sighing against these sheets, I remembered the last time I was here—in real life. During our last shore leave on Thessia months ago. I had brought Shepard to my hometown with me. She had taken me out on such a sweet, magical, and normal date. We went to go see that campy, hilarious yakuza vid together at the theater down the street. That one, simple thing held so much promise in my eyes. Just as much as Shepard's own promise: about taking me to see the sequel to that vid whenever it came out. That one little thing shouldn't have meant this much to me. But it did. It meant everything to me. Because if we made it to the vid's sequel, then we'd made it through at least some part of the war. We would succeed.

Shepard couldn't keep her promise to me if I failed her.

How far was I willing to go to protect her?

As far as it took. No matter the cost. Even if it meant my own downfall. Or everyone else's instead.

If that supposedly made me dangerous, I didn't care.

Maybe that was exactly why I had yet to earn my title here in Insomnia. Because of the danger I posed.

I only wanted to do right by Shepard. My one and only.

Why did that have to make me a threat? I wanted to do the right thing for once in my damned life.

"Hey, Boss. You ready to do this?"

Bolting upright in bed, I looked around, spotting the source of that fucking voice.

She sat on a chair close to my bed. Wearing her N7 armor. Legs crossed. Arms folded. Unarmed. Armed instead with a hardened scowl on her face, unyielding. The dark depths of her brown eyes reflected the snowflakes falling outside my window. The length of her hair nearly concealed the N7 logo over her armored chest. Black and red on her. Black and red, and red and black, both of them as biased dangers.

"This is a secure location," I shot back. "How the hell did you get in here?"

Ashley shrugged, so blasé. "You stay in my old room on the Normandy. You know, the starboard cargo room. So that means I have access to your place in Insomnia. Anywhere, anytime. Fair's fair, right?"

Not exactly…

"Then where is my agent? She should've stopped you from getting inside."

"Your Shepard doppelganger is handling another assignment. I created a nice distraction for her."

I gripped my fist, glowing a biotic blue beneath these sheets. "You do realize there's nothing stopping me from killing you myself. Don't you? Why would you make yourself this vulnerable to me?"

Too cynical, Ashley laughed. "If that's the case, I could've killed you in your sleep. Then we wouldn't be having this conversation at all. Maybe you should try hearing me out before jumping to violence."

"Hear you out?! We have nothing to talk about! Nothing to discuss! Nothing whatsoever!"

"That's not true, Boss," she argued. "That isn't true and you know it. We have a lot to talk about, actually. You remember the letter I wrote you? About helping out with your little conundrum? Well, it's time now. Time to get moving. It's now or never." I couldn't do this with her. Not with Ashley. I could not. "You really think you can turn me down? I gave you and Shepard enough time. Except nothing's changed. The head office still isn't available to you. You're still not her protector. Not officially. And the Reapers are this close to knocking down the door. You need my help, Aria. I'm offering it to you."

Of course she was right.

Of course she was fucking right.

But if I made this deal with the devil, how could I know what would happen? How could I possibly predict the consequences? What if I ended up screwing everything over because of this? What if?

Ashley outlined the situation: "Listen to me. Maybe if I spell it out, you'll understand how serious this is. Shepard and Miranda are done. Their bond is broken. Doesn't matter if the commander still has a soft spot for her. That's not enough to repair what's already dead and gone. If Shepard goes up against the Reapers like this, she won't make it out alive. They'll indoctrinate her. And if we lose her, it's all over."

I fought back, "I know that, damnit! You honestly think I don't understand?! I've been losing my mind over this shit for weeks!"

"Then you need to accept my help. You'll get your relief. You'll get everything else you want, too."

"Just tell me why, Ashley. Why are you doing this? What do you stand to gain by 'helping me'?"

Ashley averted her eyes for a moment. The briefest of moments. Shifting and shifty and suspicious.

Then she looked me dead in the eye and said, "Shepard needs to complete the mission. There's an end-goal. A finish line. We all need her to get there. As far as she can go, anyway. She has to make it."

That sounded plausible enough. Mostly. I did spot a few loopholes, but I couldn't press her on them.

Not when Ashley pulled out her old keycard. That sleek black executive's card with her name on it.

"I'll give this to you, Aria," she negotiated. "Then you can take it to headquarters. Use it to access the head office. Miranda's old office. That's where you'll make the change. Shepard will be safe. But not until you manage to get this done. She's still vulnerable. Like I said, it's now or never. Oh, and one more thing… If you kill me and take my keycard that way, it won't work at all anymore. Just so you know!"

Ashley twirled that damned card between her gloved, armored fingers. Playing with it like bait.

Fiddling me.

Toying with me.

Stringing me along.

She had me compromised and she knew it.

I had no choice but to go along with this necessary evil.

"Fine, Ashley," I accepted—against my will. "So what's the catch? I know how these things work. What else do you want from me?"

"I want you to make someone disappear. I know you know how that works, too. Except you usually order someone else to do it. One of your lackeys on Omega. You're getting this one done on your own."

"You're asking me to make a hit on someone? You want this person dead? Is that it?"

"That's exactly it. Except in Insomnia, they'll actually disappear and vanish when they die. For good."

"Ashley, don't be so transparent," I rebuked. "If you're asking me to off Tali or Liara, then that's just—"

"I don't give a damn about those two. They're miserable. They're pathetic. They're fucking insane without Shepard fucking them every night. They're obsessed, losing their minds over her focusing on you instead. That's good enough for me. They can go ahead and keep living like that for all I care."

"…then who are you telling me to kill instead?"

I should've assumed Miranda next. But that didn't quite seem right to me. Even though it made sense.

Somehow, this menacing smirk on Ashley's face foreshadowed the rest of her reasoning.

Especially once she said, "Shiala. That asari the team met back on Feros. Zhu's Hope. You remember Shiala, don't you? She works at the University of Serrice. I want you to go find her and take her out."

"Shiala?" I repeated, confused. "Why her? She's done nothing to you. Why would I kill some innocent person for your keycard?"

"Aside from Dr. Chakwas, Shiala's the only one who's in-tune with these things. Shepard's protector. Her bond with them. Shiala's been in close contact with Miranda for a while now. Always giving her updates with what's going on. I don't want Shiala tipping Miranda off about the change. That can't happen."

"You want Miranda to keep assuming nothing's changed?"

"For as long as possible, anyway," said Ashley. "She'll find out the truth eventually. Maybe you can tell her yourself if she asks. The truth will crush her. I'm looking forward to it. Dr. Chakwas already picked her side. She won't say a word to Miranda. But Shiala will. So I want her dead. It's as simple as that."

"Is that your end-goal, then?" I questioned. "Revenge against Miranda? Is this what you truly want?"

No answer from her.

Ashley stared at me. Dead-eyed. Deadened, yet dead-set on her goals…whatever those may have been.

The longer I stared back at her, the more I realized:

The obvious with Ashley was only a cover. Lies, smokescreen over the real truth. Her one and only truth.

Instead, she went on, "Here's the plan, Boss. I'll give you my keycard. You'll head to the University of Serrice. Insomnia's version of Liara's alma mater, anyway. Find a way past the commando guarding the school of history building. Should be simple enough for you. Then use your own keycard to get through security. Find Shiala in her office on the top floor. Kill her—but don't shoot her with your gun. You'll leave too much evidence behind. Once her body vanishes, Shiala will mysteriously die in her sleep in real life. I won't have to worry about her anymore. You can go ahead and get back to work at HQ."

Unnerved, I checked my omni-tool. Checking my schedule.

I had a board meeting with the rest of the executives tonight. We had switched to nighttime meetings to accommodate Liara needing to sleep at night to return here. They would all notice if I wasn't there…

Ashley knew. "Time's ticking. You have to get this done soon. I can't be your alibi."

"Then what?" I droned. "How will I make the change? Headquarters is too well-guarded for me to go wherever I want. Not without anyone else seeing me. Shepard's mental defenses are powerful."

"Don't worry about that part, Aria. A window will open up for you to get to the head office. You have to take the chance as soon as it comes up. Then you can go to the main control panel. The one on the 60th floor. Use my old keycard, and it'll take you upstairs to Miranda's old office. Head to the computer there and make the change. Make yourself Shepard's protector. Miranda will know someone was in her office, but it doesn't matter. She won't know anything else—as long as you make sure to officially lock her access to the room. Miranda still has access to headquarters. You can thank Shepard's soft spot for her."

"Then that means Miranda will find out! It's still a risk, Ashley. She's going to get to the bottom of this!"

Ashley promised me, "I already took care of that, Boss. I've been planning this for a long time. A long, long time. Just let the rest play out. Trust me."

Once again, I had no choice but to trust her.

"And you just expect me to keep this a secret. Unless Miranda asks about it. Not tonight, obviously."

Ashley stood up, walked over to my bed, and held out her keycard to me.

"If there's anyone in this galaxy who can keep a secret, it's you."

I glared at the card in her hand. I glared at it so hard, hot and heated, even as this situation chilled me.

President and Second-in-Command of Insomnia – Lieutenant Ashley Madeline Williams

I needed this promotion.

I needed to protect Shepard.

I needed to make this happen, now. No time to waste.

Snatching the keycard from Ashley's hand, I gestured for her to leave. To get the hell out of my house.

And I expected Ashley to smirk or smile at me. To give me some little speech as she went, or perhaps to mock me for my weakness…as compromised as I was. Except she did none of that. Ashley betrayed nothing in her face as she turned to leave. She left my room, her armored footsteps barely making a sound over the floor. She left my penthouse, the front door firmly closing and locking behind her. She only left me with this silence. This silence, this promise. This promise that I never had to see her again. I never had to worry about her finding me again. But now I needed to hold up my end of the bargain. I hurried out of bed to get dressed. I couldn't afford to let my one opportunity go to waste.

Riding in the pitch black luxury of this metro car, I blended in with everyone around me. This need to blend in, to assimilate, I resented. I couldn't just drive the flying car Sol had gifted me. Anyone would have been able to track me with ease. Accepting my fate, I stared out the window next to my seat. Insomnia's night lights shone in as my only reprieve from the darkness around me. Even on me, black and violet with this outfit of mine, strictly for this world. Maybe people should have recognized me. They should have known who I was. Too wrapped up in their own conversations, or their own solitude, they all gave me my space. This space to think, to breathe; to panic, internally, and never, ever show it.

Clinging onto this social stealth, I made my way to the University of Serrice. Little Liara's alma mater.

So much of this felt up in the air. I had my plans. I had my orders from Ashley. I kept her keycard in my pocket, begrudging it the whole time. Some part of me resented this. This position I now found myself in. My love for Shepard had compromised me in such extraordinary ways. She had me chasing after her well-being. She had me making sacrifices I would have only made for my daughter in years past. Before Liselle, I wouldn't have sacrificed anything for anyone. Not for another person. Really only for myself.

Still, I had made this decision. This choice.

I made the choice to leave this metro station. I made the decision to hurry over to this university.

The University of Serrice from my homeworld Thessia, reimagined before me within Insomnia's expanse.

A good number of students paraded around the campus. Even at this hour, several asari made their way to and from their classes, the libraries, the recreation centers. I strode past the courtyards and plazas, headed for the school of history. That particular academic building. The one where Liara had likely spent most of her time studying during her years here. Studying, avoiding everyone. Avoiding a predator like me out to shake up this world—for my own goals, my own reasons, and my own inescapable ambitions.

Adrenaline. Cravings. Anxiety; repetition, repeat. Repeating my positives to justify this hell I'd agreed to.

This fucking bloodlust made me a threat.

This bloodlust to claw my way to the top, killing anyone or anything in my way.

Wanting to do the right thing. Needing to protect what was mine. Rightfully mine.

Shepard never should have chosen me. She should've known my ambitions would blind me someday. Even if that was one of the things she loved most about me…I still felt as though I had failed her. I had failed, craving this taste in my mouth. This taste of a higher power. Gluttony, my worst sin, so craven.

She'd had that right about me, too.

Storming toward this university building, I spotted a single commando standing guard outside.

Only one asari commando…

My only daughter.

Liselle hardly noticed me. Bored out of her mind, just like last time, she gave no reaction to me at first. To her, this was all a dream. Not a lucid dream, as this was for me. My daughter lacked the cognizance, the wisdom to live this reality. Her real life had bled into her sleeping hours. Dreaming of guarding this school, as she did during her waking hours. Dreaming of suffering this intense boredom—until I decided to show up. She had no way of knowing this was real. Surely she assumed none of this meant anything.

Only once I neared her did Liselle finally recognize me.

"Hey! Mom, is that you…? You're checking up on me in my dreams now—?!"

I rushed past her, yelling in a fervor, "Get the hell out of here! Leave! Don't come back!"

"Wh-what?!" sputtered Liselle. "Why do you need me to leave? What's going on?! Do you need help!?"

"I don't have time to explain! Just go! You never saw me, Liselle! Do you understand!?"

My daughter's instinct to obey me overtook all else.

She knew not to say a word of this to anyone.

"Yes… Yes, I understand!"

Liselle quickly took off. She left the area. Discreetly enough so as to not alert anyone else.

While she went off, I changed my gloves. From fingerless to fully-covered. I couldn't leave any evidence.

The whole time, I reveled in this feeling. An old, familiar feeling. This all felt like…child's play to me.

Hungering toward my goal, I broke through the school building's security. I used my omni-tool, abusing these tools at my disposal as an Insomnia executive, blurring any surveillance footage of my presence. I hurried through the building as a ghost. Unseen and undetected by the technology around. I went over to the elevator. Up to the top floor. This adrenaline, again. Clawing and clawing my way to the top. Higher and higher as this elevator took me up. So much higher than Thessia or Omega would ever allow me to reach. Only I could ascend Shepard to the rightful place where she belonged. No one else.

I remembered the smallest details from Shepard's visit to this building with Liara months ago.

I remembered the path she had taken, following Shiala to her office here on this top floor.

I followed that path, bringing me to this destination of mine.

By sheer serendipity, I ran into Shiala in the doorway to her office.

She was about to leave for the night.

At least until I arrived.

Recognition glowed through Shiala's eyes, lowering her guard. "Aria? This is a secure area. Did your daughter let you inside the building? I am assuming this is an emergency. Did you need me for any—?"

I lunged at her.

I grabbed her neck with one hand, choking, wringing.

I clamped my other over her mouth, suffocating, silencing.

From this lunge, I forced Shiala back into her office. I bored my eyes right into hers as she panicked in her muffled, quieted screams. She tried to grab at my head. Tried to force me to stop. I suffocated Shiala harder. I cut off any attempts she made at using her biotics against me. If she couldn't breathe, she couldn't focus her energies enough to retaliate. I lowered her to the cold tile of the floor. Shiala's screams crashing against my hand softened and softened. Shiala's neck clenching in my hold weakened and weakened. The light slowly left her eyes as she stared into mine, completely and totally horrified.

Muffling more words and sounds against my hand, Shiala still tried to fight. The smallest concavity of my gloved palm, Shiala breathed against. She tore at that center of my hand, trying to scramble any oxygen into her lungs she could. She couldn't find enough. Not as I pressed down on her lips, down on her teeth, while clamping around her neck. Her arms went limp. She stopped fighting against me.

I forced her to stop breathing.

I denied her this life.

I ended her.

Still I kept at it. I kept suffocating her. I kept choking her. Like wringing a wet towel again and again. I tightened my grip around Shiala's mouth, around her neck. I lifted my arms and threw her back down. I wrung and twisted every last drop of water from this cloth. I wrung and twisted every last drop of life from her body. Because if I left even a single drop, this would all go up in flames. I repeated this over and over. Getting progressively more breathless and winded each time I did it. Shiala's eyes had already curled to the back of her head. She couldn't fear me anymore. Not wherever death had taken her.

As soon as I let her go, Shiala disappeared. She vanished in a hazing mist of white particles. Gone forever—both from Insomnia and real life. Like she had never been here in the first place.

Breathing in and out, over and over again, I checked her computer.

I spotted an unsent email meant for Miranda, warning about her bond with Shepard. The same thing Ashley had told me. Their bond was permanently broken, with no chance of repairing it at this point. I deleted the email and shut her computer down.

Seeing no point in staying here, I left the building. As if I had never been here in the first place, either.

Taking the metro to HQ Plaza this time, I barely remembered myself. Privately shaken. Quietly anxious. Only by some blessing did I not stand out in this crowd. I somehow remained incognito. But I couldn't escape the reminders of what I just done. Of course I had no issues making people disappear on Omega. The difference being, those people always deserved it. My enemies, my rivals, my former allies turned traitors. I had never had to kill an innocent person just because, or on someone else's order. Until now.

Even if someone died as collateral, it had never managed to affect me. I simply wouldn't care.

Never in my life had I gone into work like this, pretending everything was perfectly fine.

The worst sting: Shepard would have been disappointed in me if she found out. Without a doubt.

Returning through the maximum security of Insomnia's headquarters, this civilized space calmed me. The building itself stood taller than ever before. That manufactured halo of gold rang around at least ten floors higher by this point. I couldn't keep up with Tali's blistering pace with the reconstruction. Within this entrance hall, all-black in its stately grandeur, other Alliance personnel walked by freely. They passed me by without a second glance, off to their offices or workstations or meetings for the night. Alliance-blue lights lit the floor, gleaming over the fine black of the marble. These lights reached up well past the dizzying heights above my head: the infinite other floors, and hallways above this one, and escalators and sets of stairs rising as endless labyrinths. This order and structure everywhere made me feel smaller. Insignificant. Like I didn't matter at all, heading to the central elevator as a normal person.

Riding this elevator to the 60th floor, I remembered my identity as an executive. Head boss, actually.

The head boss still awaiting her promotion.

At this 60th floor, I didn't go to my office right away. I made a detour. I headed down another hall, dropping these evidence-filled gloves through a chute. Down they went to the building incinerator. I replaced them with my usual fingerless gloves. Couldn't have anyone noticing something off about me.

I didn't have much time until the board meeting.

Walking by the many Alliance marine sentries standing guard, I thought against going to my office.

I happened upon another area of this floor instead. A wide open room connected to the break area in the center. Not quite an indoor park, but something close to it. Tali had created this space for Major to hang out and roam around in. Since Ashley's dog had taken residence here for some reason, everyone wanted Major to feel at home. Most of the other executives had gathered in the area. They stood around Major herself, petting her head, stroking her fur, and just generally fussing over her. Why?

Approaching the group, I quickly found my answer.

Major stood in the center of the group, at the center of attention. But she barely moved the fluff of her curled tail from the ground. She had her head down a bit, whining in a low worry. Something in her eyes gave away an intense sadness. The rest of the executives nearby—Liara, Tali, Kaidan, Garrus, and Joker—tried their best to cheer the dog up. Major did seem grateful that everyone cared about her. She would wag her tail on occasion, 'smiling' a little, if dogs had learned to do it from humans over time. Yet Major still had a lot on her mind, so to speak. Probably the falling-out she'd had with Ashley a while ago.

Spotting me nearby, Liara walked over to my side.

She also noticed how off I appeared. Ever-so-slight as this fissure in my image.

"Good evening, Boss," said Liara, polite as usual.

I folded my arms out of habit, grumbling, "What."

"I was only wondering if you were all right. You seem grumpier tonight. More than you usually are."

I couldn't exactly refute that, now could I?

Major padded over this way. She ignored the others in favor of coming to see me. She sat down at Liara's heel, facing me with a genuine smile this time. Tail wagging, she looked happy to see me—just as she always was. Maybe she wanted to come closer to me in her simple, innocent joys. She knew I still wasn't that type of person. She continued to respect my boundaries, and I appreciated that about her.

Liara stroked Major's head. "It looks like you're still her favorite. Perhaps you remind her of someone."

I was about to ask if she meant Ashley—until someone else approached us here.

Dr. Chakwas found our group, speaking on, "Good evening, everyone. I'm afraid I have some bad news." She couldn't possibly know… "You will have to postpone your board meeting for tonight. The commander intends on beginning her meditations very soon. We will all need to evacuate HQ as usual while she clears her mind."

Liara responded to her, "Thank you for the update, Dr. Chakwas. We'll get going now."

Checking to make sure Tali and the others had heard, too, Dr. Chakwas smiled and took her leave.

My window of opportunity had just opened up.

"Another evacuation," chatted Liara. "Shepard has been meditating much more these days. As long as it is helping with her mood, it is a good thing in the end." She offered to me: "Would you like to join us, Aria? The rest of the executives and I will likely take Major to the actual park down the street."

I needed to leave the building now. To at least give the image that I was cooperating.

But I quickly needed to find a way back inside…assuming I could get past security.

"You go on ahead, Liara," I replied. "I'll see you again at the postponed meeting."

"Of course, Boss. We will see you then."

Mostly oblivious, Liara took Major with her, rejoining the other executives. They all made their way to the central elevator. They cooperated as normal, leaving headquarters while Shepard started meditating in real life. I stayed behind at first. Looking around. I watched as the other Insomnia employees began filing out, also heading for the elevators. I blended in with the general masses once again. Disassociating from myself, I followed the herd, eventually finding myself back at the metro station at HQ Plaza.

An out-of-body experience:

I hid away around a corner somewhere. Unseen in these shadows. I listened. I waited. I listened and waited as everyone else from HQ boarded the metro. They would go maybe two or three stops down to their favorite coffee shop, or the local bookstore, or an extranet café to kill this extra time. All of those people from the Alliance, their unconscious selves, loyal to both Sol and Shepard as captain and commander. They had found themselves loyal to me as well, serving under me. They had no idea their boss had hidden away from everyone, cowering in the dark. An unavoidable pinch of shame for me.

After everyone had gone, no one had any reason to return.

No one else had a legitimate reason to travel to HQ Plaza. Not unless they worked at headquarters.

The trains stopped running in this direction. The silence permeated across this enormous underground tunnel. I stepped forward through this silence, my heeled boots clicking as long-reaching echoes. I returned to the secure entrance, to head back inside the building. I had no idea if I could even get in.

I had never experimented with this before. I had never been so uncooperative as to enter Shepard's ego while she meditated. I had never been so egotistical as to think she could still focus with me in there.

But when I returned to the building, the doors allowed me entry.

Shepard welcomed me back regardless of anything. Regardless of whatever she did in real life.

I passed through security as normal. I arrived to the empty entrance hall. Completely devoid of other people, of other lifeforms—save for the potted plants here and there. The heels from my boots echoed again, replacing the usual conversations that would fill this place. Although I didn't quite have my solitude here. As I made my way back to the central elevator, I could take only a single path to get there.

All of those Alliance marine sentries. The shadowed, faceless, uniformed figures that stood guard around headquarters, along with other key points within this world. They had lined up. The marines had each flanked this path of black marble for me. Uniform in their uniforms, rigid in their machine-like precision, the sentries had formed an outline for me to follow. Like the one path to take in a maddening puzzle. Only one way through. The blues and golds and chains of them lit my way forward, onward.

As I followed this path, these sentries revered me as the one Sol and Shepard adored.

They each saluted me. Two by two. One on my left, and one on my right. They raised their sharpened stances only once I approached. As rising dominoes in reverse, they each reacted to me like this. They coveted me as a royal, as someone larger than life. They saluted my very existence as I reached the elevator. And again, they did the same once I returned to the 60th floor. Once I crossed through this empty space, this largesse of a spectacle at night, lit up by Insomnia's sights past the tall, full-pane picture windows. The sentries saluted me two by two no matter what. Even as I carried this evidence.

This evidence of Ashley's old keycard in my hand.

I brought this keycard with me to the main control panel. This ship-like panel at the heart of this building. The windows around me opened up still more to the nightlife outside. Well and beyond, every dotted structure, every light and shadow, every part of that vastness outside—it all looked on at me. The night, the city watched me bring Ashley's keycard to this panel. As this miracle, the panel reacted.

A platform beneath my feet rumbled to life.

The platform took me up and up. Up overhead. Up past any point I could've imagined of this building.

This platform brought me to a new section of headquarters.

Pale darkness of another ceilinged room. Some sort of lab area, filled with terminals and vid screens. The off-white coloring of the wall, and the colorless gray of the metallic floor… I passed through these logos on the walls. Cerberus logos. I walked through to the only door in my line of sight, waiting for me.

Through this door, I found the slick polish of a ramp. A ramp extending upward through the dark. Shining in the vague squared patterns below me, I followed this path. I headed upward. Upward, as the unprotected sides led down to ruin. The shadowed depths down there fell well past this ramp. Fighting through the dark, a few lights blushed along the walls. Just enough light for me to see the next door.

Two more Alliance marine sentries awaited me.

They saluted me as I walked by them. As this door allowed me entry.

I entered to Insomnia's head office. These reflective, black floors reflected the stars out beyond. Reflecting them as if replacing the black of the starry night sky. As if I treaded over the stars themselves in walking forward. Such a grand, secluded space, sectioned off from all else; raised above to these heavens of attainable thought. Unattainable all the same with this brighter light shining in, past these taller panes of the windows. Burning as lava, the everlasting golden sunlight blazed on for me outside.

The sun from the Sol System instead of that supergiant.

Tracing over the stars in my path, I pressed forward to the chair in the north of the room. Several panels and screens of a translucent, omni-tool orange surrounded this space. Insomnia's inner-workings accessible with the press of a button. Working just fine on their own now, automated; running as a well-oiled machine. If the wrong person tampered with these, then Shepard would have suffered terribly.

So precious and perfect; I smoothed my hand over this main computer, treasuring the power here.

As I stood just beside this chair, I searched through the systems. I tried finding the necessary programs.

But nothing came up.

Nothing on how to change this delicate matter of Shepard's protector.

Ashley had told me to get to the computer. I had assumed I would find what I needed without issue. What the hell was I missing? Or was this all just some sick joke? Did she intend for Miranda to find me?

"Aria. What are you doing?"

Bolting around, caught red-handed, I stared wide-eyed at my captor.

The captain. She'd found me. So handsome in her uniform, exactly like all those respectful sentries.

I supposed it was foolish of me to expect otherwise. Infiltrating a master infiltrator's mind… How quaint.

Sol raised her angled brow at me. She shined in this light, her complexion mirrored perfectly behind me.

"I couldn't get up here before," she told me. "From the sabotage. Then all of a sudden, I got clearance a few moments ago. Now I find you sneaking around. You know how this looks, don't you? I know what you fucking did to get in here."

"Babe, I can explain," I tried. "Just, please… Will you hear me out?"

She folded her arms: waiting, expectant.

"I know…I'm not supposed to be in here. I mean that in a more figurative sense, too. I'm dangerous. I'm destructive. Nearly everyone who deals with me ends up either insane or dead. But you have the courage to look past that. You see me. You make me feel like I belong. You give my life purpose beyond my usual lust for power. I can't let anyone take you away from me. I need to protect you—like my life depends on it. Because it does. I can't excuse what I did. I'm only asking you to understand me. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep you safe. I'll never stop fighting for you. I'll do anything for you."

"Anything?" asked Sol, stepping closer to me in a smooth soundlessness. "Anything at all?"

"Yes, anything… Anything at all."

Only a few paces away now.

I could have reached out to her. If not for my apprehensions seizing me.

Sol's sharp eyes burned in a molten gold. The gathered colors of her irises shaped downward, as that refined spectacle of her scowl. The centermost black cores of her pupils held me in this captured state. She stood before me with sheer power. Immense, endless power. Endless influence and control and intelligence. She could've had anyone she wanted. Any woman in her world, and she had chosen me.

She had chosen me, despite all of the disappointments she'd suffered before.

She had chosen me as her last stand. Her last stand in favor of people, of giving us a chance.

Because if I failed…I knew what else I risked. I knew how Sol would have reacted to my failure.

That I chose to take this risk anyway—I hoped it spoke only volumes of my love for her, everlasting.

I couldn't not take this risk. I couldn't choose not to love and adore her. Sol and Shepard both deserved this from me. They deserved for me to try, to endeavor, to downright slave for their approval—as anyone should have. I refused to run, to avoid trying in fear of failure. I could never be selfish like that. I could never care more about making a fool of myself. I cared so much more about providing for her.

Seeing this conviction in my eyes, Sol said to me, "Have a seat, babe."

She gestured to the chair nearby.

Fully-aware of the symbolism, I took this seat for myself. Facing her directly.

Sol came up to me. She knelt before me with such purpose. As she lowered herself, she brought down her façade. That ironclad mask of hers, she discarded. The natural emotion in her face; her aches, her worries. The sheer fatigue induced by her aches, by her worrying. She lowered her head to my lap, letting me hold her like this. Aching for her, I palmed the back of her neck, this rise of her collared uniform jacket. The emblazoned stripes of gold over her shoulders. I ran my free hand through her hair, with this earned permission from her. Heartbeats pounding, my heart fit to burst—I loved her like this.

"Sol, listen to me," I murmured to her. "Mind, body, and soul—I need you. That means you have my promise. I'll never abuse my power over you. I understand that's your greatest fear. Someone taking advantage of you in that way. I only want to do right by you. It's all I want. I'm asking you to trust me."

Slowly but surely, Sol nodded her head against my lap.

She breathed the warmth of her consent, "I trust you, Aria. I trust you… You're the one hope I have left."

Manifesting my promise, Sol gripped me a little harder. Enough to merge with me in spirit, in thought.

I would see her again later.

Standing anew, I found some of my newest permissions. I used my omni-tool to seal this office off. I sealed Miranda from ever accessing this place again. No time to waste, I made my way back out. All the way out, outside the building. All to play this last scene of our final act—before the next.

Playing this final game, I had left the building again. I had wandered around outside again. Farther away from the metro station this time. Unseen, I had paced and paced. Pacing around. Walking through the stark night of this metropolis surrounding Insomnia's headquarters. The technological marvel of this place. These brooding buildings, the golden lights brimming from those windows rising high above. Such a modern take embodying such a modern, brilliant mind. Shepard's mind. No one could compete with a place like this, high-end as the true representation of her value, her importance. For a moment, I stared up at these sights, wondering how she managed to avoid getting an inflated head. I would have suffered from one by now, if I'd had something like this. I had always had that self-importance about me. All as a false illusion, a veil of belonging, or needing to stay above others to look down on them. Or pity them.

As I returned to headquarters, I knew.

The only one I should have pitied was myself.

As I breathed in and out, taking note of this alarm going off for us executives, I kept my clarity.

Miranda had set off the alarm. She knew someone had 'broken in' to her office. She had no idea what had happened beyond that. So she had called on us to congregate, to begin an investigation. Miranda assumed this was all some security breach. She made it sound important enough to break her silence, as enough reason for her to return to headquarters. We had done well enough for ourselves without her around. Our productivity had actually improved with her absence. Nevertheless, Miranda chose to take advantage of this non-issue, stirring a panic out of what I knew was nothing. She forced herself back in.

Hell, she shouldn't have sabotaged anything in the first place.

We could have avoided this whole song and dance if she'd just left peacefully before.

But no. She had made a mess, I risked everything to clean it up, and now she demanded answers.

The head office belonged to me now. Only I couldn't say anything—on Ashley's orders. I despised having to keep my mouth shut for her sake. Yet still, I had given her my word. I intended to keep my promise.

The other executives gathered with me around Insomnia's controls. The same controls I had used to get up to the head office. I kept Ashley's keycard in my pocket. All while standing with the rest of the group, most of them befuddled and oblivious. Tali, Kaidan, Garrus, Joker, EDI, Legion, Jack, and Samara each hovered nearby, listening to Miranda's enraged panicking over this breach of security. Meanwhile, Liara stood by me. She remained completely silent. She seemed to know what I had done—or at least, Liara had guessed which path I had chosen to take. The dangerous, but expedient option. I couldn't tell if she disapproved or not. She simply continued stroking Major's head, with the dog sitting happily next to her.

Little Liara stayed stoic and silent as Miranda ranted on and on.

Jack held herself back. She clearly wanted to kill Miranda now, getting this over with. She couldn't.

Samara said not a word. Neither did Tali, EDI, or Legion. Only Garrus and Kaidan attempted to speak with Miranda, matching her panic. Everyone stayed wrapped up in this, regardless of their reactions.

This all seemed emblematic of what to expect from Miranda in real life, in the future.

Miranda had on that outfit of hers. A variant of her black, skintight Cerberus uniform, with that long, draping half of a dress off to one side, made of a matching material. The beet red of her angered face ran down to her neck, contrasting. Such a hard contrast, topped off by the undeniable rage in her voice:

"We need to figure this out," she snapped. "Do we have any security footage? Anything we can use to track down the perpetrator?"

"None," said Kaidan. "They came in while the commander was meditating. All the footage from that time got wiped completely. All of our people were gone from the building at the time. They couldn't have done it manually. Must've been some kind of glitch in the system—at the worst possible time."

"Damnit!" Pacing around, pacing around, Miranda deliberated. "There must be something we can do. Something to pin down who was last here. Whoever it was cut off my access to the head office."

Tali insisted, "Miranda, I don't think this is that serious. None of this looks like an actual security breach. None of our systems are down right now. If anything, the captain probably sealed things off herself. The two of you aren't together anymore. Why would she want you to have continued access to such an important part of her mind? You need to accept that this is a real possibility."

Miranda argued, "I won't accept that, Tali. Not immediately. Not until I've ruled out the other options."

Liara deadpanned, "Do you honestly believe your bond with Shepard is salvageable? That the two of you will persevere against the Reapers—even while your relationship is dead?"

"Of course I believe that! There is no other way! You don't see her the way I do, Liara. You didn't see how she last treated me back on Illium, after the mission. Shepard still cares for me. I can believe in her from a distance, and she'll be all right. At this point, I need to figure out who broke into my office!"

Unimpressed, Liara stopped short of rolling her eyes. She didn't buy those delusions, and neither did I.

Fuming over Liara's supposed disrespect, Miranda barely stopped herself from firing back.

Instead, she looked down to Major. Major, whom had shifted to sitting between Liara and me, wagging her tail in an easy eagerness. Major, our joyful companion who was just happy to be here with us. It looked to me that Major had already cheered up from her previous worries. She knew Miranda was angry, she knew Miranda was upset, but none of it fazed her. I understood Major to be quite the empathetic creature. I still remembered her comforting me over the smallest of upsets. Why hadn't she reacted negatively to the former boss' panic and rage? Did she not care? No, that didn't seem right…

"Major, come here," requested Miranda. "I need you to do me a favor. Could you help me out?"

Barking once in acknowledgment, Major trotted over to her, the fine chain of her collar chiming along.

Sitting before Miranda now, gazing up at her, Major awaited her next orders.

Following up, Miranda asked, "You know our executives quite well by now, don't you?"

Major barked again, wagging her tail even more.

"Then I'd like you to sniff around this area. The main control panel. See if you can pick up on any of their scents. If you can find one, that will tell us who was last here. We'll have our culprit once and for all."

Perfectly oblivious, Major set her nose to the floor, sniffing away in diligence. Sniffing, sniffing.

Each sniff-sniff from her sunk my stomach lower, lower, and lower.

Each glare from Miranda at each of us only churned my nerves worse and worse, twisting and mangling.

Miranda focused on Liara specifically. Liara, whom had gone pale by now, white-blue in her worries and fears. She knew what Major had found. I fucking knew what Major had found. We both knew Major had no doubt picked up on my scent. That dog could find anything in Insomnia with her nose alone! She could find Liara underwater in her room in the Migrant Fleet, even while standing at the water's shore. She could find anyone, anything. She could pinpoint me, whom she had gotten to know very well over these months. Especially while I stood right here, mere paces away, freaking the hell out on my own.

And I still had Ashley's keycard in my pocket.

As these long, drawn-out moments passed, I forced myself to stay still.

I couldn't dart my eyes around, desperately looking for a way out.

I couldn't fold my arms. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't fucking breathe if it would stop all of this.

What was I supposed to do now?

How was I supposed to get out of this damned mess?!

"Trust me."

Ashley's own words. Letting this all play out as it needed to…

Playing out to this outcome. This specific outcome, with Major ending her search.

Whining at Miranda a bit, Major sat back down before her. Tail flat over the floor, Major appeared to report that she had found nothing. No evidence. No scents linking back to the rest of the executives.

At a loss for words, Miranda managed to ask her, "That's all…? You mean you didn't find anything?"

Major flattened her pointed ears over her head, seeming disappointed with herself.

Miranda accepted her findings as gospel, gently patting Major's head. "Well, it's all right. If you genuinely couldn't find anything, I accept that. Please don't blame yourself over this. It isn't your fault."

Impossible.

Major should have smelled me. She should have been able to pinpoint my scent with ease. Child's play for her, too. She couldn't have possibly missed me. There was just no conceivable way, unless…

Did Ashley train Major to lie? Specifically about me?

Realizing the same as I did, Liara covered her mouth with her hands, quieting her shock.

Miranda forced this acceptance: "Maybe…maybe you were right, Tali. About the captain. Perhaps she really did seal things off on her own. If that's the case, then I know where I'm not needed." She left this place behind, taking her delusions with her. "I'll keep Shepard safe. I suppose that's all that matters…"

As she departed in dejection, the rest of the executives spoke among themselves, speculating about this whole thing. Everyone except for Liara, still in a muted shock. Unbothered by the rest, Major walked over to me. She sat down on the floor there, smiling up at me in contentment. Almost as if asking me if she did a good job. Major knew what she'd chosen to do for me. And now she sought out my approval.

We had this brief moment together, secluded away from everyone and everything else.

Leaning down to her, I smoothed my hands down Major's head, her collared neck. Her beautiful, sable-patterned fur. Major had protected me. I'd had no idea she cared this much. I felt her clear devotion. I saw it glowing through her dark eyes. I watched it brim over her mood, linking us in this special way.

I whispered to her, "Good girl, Major…"

Major's spirits soared from my words, my tender attentions. She seemed to love feeling worthy of me.

These similarities between her and the one I adored—almost too much to bear at a time like this.

After a while, the executives made an executive decision. That whole saga with Miranda had thrown us all off. None of us were in the right mindset to continue with the meeting. They asked me if we could cancel for tonight. I went ahead and signed off on the exception. We did need to go over this change, certainly. I would give everyone enough information during the next meeting. They seemed to have figured out just enough—that I had taken my official place, despite those sabotages. They also knew to not ask any questions. So long as I had done what I needed to do, the actual details were irrelevant.

The group returned with Major to our indoor park here on the 60th floor.

In the meantime, I retreated to my office. My regular office—the one I was used to. I needed some peaceful familiarity right about now.

Returning to this darkened extravagance, I mused over my impressive office space. Such a power statement of overlooking all of Insomnia like this. The sights, the night, the darkness. The only lights in here as the city lights outside. The only furniture as my one leather couch facing those brights.

Sitting down, I crossed my legs, settling into this comfort. A false comfort, maybe. I had narrowly avoided a serious conflict back there. Gazing out to the metropolis before me, that vastness left me unsettled. I kept imagining Earth there. Shepard's hometown. That history for her, the meaning there, and the sentimentality of her home—her entire homeworld crushed by the Reapers. Imminent, unavoidable. We couldn't stop that initial destruction. We could do nothing to prevent the inevitable loss of life. The Reapers would harvest her people, my people. We could stop none of that. We could only slow it down. We could only fight back piece by piece. We could only get Shepard where she needed to go.

I felt the pressure now.

I felt this gravity bearing down on me.

Because if I fucked up, if I let Shepard down…

I didn't even want to imagine the consequences.

They played out that much stronger for me. So much clearer as I looked over to a spot on my couch.

I reached out, taking this new keycard in my hand. The emotion that swept over me as I read it:

Queen-Empress of Insomnia and the Afterlife – Aria T'Loak

Yet even with my new title, and with my old bloodlust for power, this hit me differently. Not at all as I had expected. Not with the fanfare, the satisfaction I had imagined before. Just this burgeoning dread mixed with bursts of hopeful confidence. Confidence in Shepard's abilities. Confidence in my own.

Our galaxy remained on the brink of change.

In the blink of an eye, everything we knew would end. Everything would change. Changing and ending.

Out of time. Out of options. Out of our minds. Our commander, our captain would lead us to victory.

Victory against these impossible odds. Impossible as the immensity, the enormity of the Reapers themselves. Fighting back against them system-by-system, world-by-world. Fighting against an enemy that could crush us underfoot. Fighting against an enemy that saw us as weaker, lesser, miniscule. Fighting to victory not just against that enemy. But also interpersonally. As I learned all too well, the real enemies out there weren't the ones far away. The ones inconceivable, with no ties to us whatsoever.

Our real enemies lived and breathed around us. Everyone expected us to get along with them. Everyone expected us to tolerate them, and to always forgive their deceits, only for them to find new ways to hurt us and to fool us, all as a constant, never-ending cycle of intolerant insanity.

The real enemy lied and cheated and deceived and killed in selfishness.

The real enemy smiled during the day while hating in depravity at night.

The real enemy took advantage of familial bonds, twisting them for perverted delights.

The real enemy ranted about their delusions, their existing ties to us, when we had already severed them long ago.

Shepard and the team and the Normandy—we would stand strong against the Reapers. Even as they tried everything to crush us, to look down on us, to minimize our lives and our personal meaning.

The weight of the world, the weight of the galaxy, of the universe, and all of our stories combined:

Controlled and sane in her insanity, I truly believed Shepard could handle anything that awaited her.

Absolutely anything—except for the most dangerous enemy deteriorating and defeating her mind.

Until and unless that happened, Shepard would persevere with me by her side. Never surrendering. Never giving in. Never realizing the truest dangers at this end, at the world's end, at this peace's end, awaiting her at the edge of reason.