Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

70. Leaving Earth - ME3

Mass Effect 3

"The Northern Cave" (World Map) from Final Fantasy VII / "Tenth Chapter - On the Ground" from Drakengard / "Leaving Earth" from Mass Effect 3

LXX. Leaving Earth

(Shepard)

This menacing feeling had gripped me today, growling through my senses and instincts both.

Close to the end of November, and the easy, carefree vibe had dissipated from my hometown. The everlasting golds lighting my neighborhood had dimmed to a drab darkness. Even at this hour during the daytime, the brightness from my television screens couldn't cut through the midday drear. A constant weight rumbled through the earth itself, bringing down the mood and the atmosphere. Something in the ether had reached everyone else. Everyone else, so strangely aware: I stared out the windows of my bedroom, looking far down below to the street outside my apartment complex. So far down, I spotted that same weight pulling everyone down. They wandered and worried. As rainclouds started to form above, the people of my homeworld seemed to know. They knew enough without knowing anything.

Once the rain poured down, pounding against my windows, I stayed rooted to this spot in my bedroom.

This unusual darkness permeated from the rainclouds in the sky. Raining hard, storming. Shorter days as the wintertime neared, inviting the night sooner. But it shouldn't have been like this. Never in my life had I seen a darker day at this hour. Sharp lightning shined bright, briefly, though this strange end-of-day dark at midday. Rolling thunder growled deeply in the distance, crossing over these shadowed skies.

Just breathing near my window as normal, I had already fogged up the glass.

Not quite the same—another fog emanated from the bathroom, as Aria showered in there. Something of the day's chill had sent her searching for more warmth. Something other than the heater we'd kept on almost all the time. She had also been rather quiet lately. Reserved. Aria must have known what awaited us. Or she had suffered through a lot more, elsewhere, and she didn't want to talk about it.

Aria had assured me we were all systems go for the next mission.

No mention of the details. She wanted to make them seem irrelevant. "Don't worry about it, babe," she had said. Yet I knew her better than that.

Ever since then, though, I hadn't felt the same. Not quite myself anymore. I had this strange, uncharacteristic bloodlust most of the time. A bloodlust without violence. More potent than regular lust. Usually a strong, overwhelming craving for Aria herself. To ravage her, to fuck her, to make her mine. I had given her this strange strength of mine, and she loved it. It drove her crazy in the best way possible. Except I didn't like the loss of control. I didn't like giving in to this feeling, only to turn into that same fiend Aria had pulled out of me on my birthday. The main problem—I didn't always feel this for her. Not exclusively. Always one specific person involved. Always her as that measure of my self-control.

The one I had the hardest time resisting, even before this shift had happened.

The only one who could have snapped her fingers, and brought me to my knees before her.

I wished I could've moved on from this issue. Or outgrown it somehow. Seemed impossible for me.

Not wanting to push the issue, or talk about it at all, I had instead shifted to my own responsibilities.

Staring out the window at this rain, I opened up my omni-tool. I noticed that the crew still hadn't finished everything with the Normandy. Tali continued taking her responsibilities seriously. As my chief engineer, she wanted to be thorough. She had directed the crew to check and double-check and triple-check everything. They would ideally finish later tonight. I checked over the final thing I'd needed to do on my own: finalizing the Normandy's crew manifest. I looked the list over one last time, proof-reading:

SSV NORMANDY – SENIOR OFFICERS

Captain and Commanding Officer of the Normandy – Commander Sol Shepard

Reserve Captain of the Normandy – Aria T'Loak

Executive Officer – Dr. Liara T'Soni

Marine Officer – Major Kaidan Alenko

Chief Engineer – Tali'Zorah vas Normandy

Chief Medical Officer – Major Karin Chakwas

Supply Officer – Lieutenant Steve Cortez

SSV NORMANDY – JUNIOR OFFICERS

Flight Officer – Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau

Flight Officer – Enhanced Defense Intelligence (EDI)

Communications – Specialist Samantha Traynor

Gunnery Officer – Garrus Vakarian

Science Officer – Dr. Liara T'Soni

Propulsion Engineer – Lieutenant Gregory Adams

Propulsion Engineer – Lieutenant Gabriella Daniels

Power Engineer – Legion

Armory – N/A

Shuttle Pilot – Lieutenant Steve Cortez

Liara and Cortez had the most responsibilities, taking on dual roles. They had both promised me they could handle it. Even though Aria had this special role, acting as the captain if I wasn't around, she technically had no other responsibilities aboard the ship. Checking over Specialist Traynor's specific job description, the higher-ups had apparently assigned her as my admin assistant, too. That definitely wasn't going to happen. I didn't need her to do that for me. And I still needed to deal with the situation in the armory. Until then, I did plan on handling the work myself. All of this left both Jack and Samara to their own devices aboard the ship, just like during our last mission. Everything looked solid to me.

As I uploaded the crew manifest to the ship's database, I heard an unusual, panicked sound.

An SOS went off from Aria's omni-tool in the shower.

Cursing over the inconvenience, Aria shut off the warm water.

I heard her grumbling and fumbling around in there. Dripping wet with nothing on, Aria rushed back into our room. She moved right behind me to use the holo-closet. Not meaning to, I widened my eyes at her body, how her soaked skin almost glowed in this darklight from outside. Still a bit playful, Aria pushed at my jaw, turning my head the other way. She quickly put on her usual outfit and hurried out to the living room. She then went straight to the QEC to give Bray a call. Whatever this was, it didn't sound good.

Gazing out the window again, I held onto this recent nostalgia. This nostalgia so close to slipping away. The nostalgia from living here, sharing this space with Aria, Tali, and Liara every single day. I had lived on my own for so long before this. But now I had already gotten used to seeing them all the time. Tali and Liara would wake up at dawn every weekday. I would be in the kitchen, cooking breakfast for them with love. On their way out to the ship, they would accept my meals for them with smiles and gratitude and hugs. Then they would come home later, telling me how jealous everyone was of their special treatment from me. During the day, of course, Aria and I would spend time together—outside or inside in bed. On the weekends, I would take all three of them out to the beach or wherever else. We had that comfort.

On a few occasions, Aria would take either Tali or Liara out with her for the day. Just one or the other. Never both of them at the same time. Aria had actually taken Tali shopping one time, getting a new suit for her. Something darker, harder, sleeker—gold trims with violets so dark, they looked black. Form-fitting around every curve of her. Rounded, armored boots, and some normal violets, mostly covering down her hood and the opacity of her mask. The whole ensemble made Tali look wiser, more mature.

I really liked it on her. I liked it a lot. Maybe too much, as much as I kept thinking about her like this.

The longer I stared out at this rainstorm, the more I felt our comforts disappearing.

Especially once I heard Aria raging in the living room—"What do you mean we lost Omega?!"

Had the Reapers already hit her station? I thought they were supposed to invade Earth first?

An SOS from my omni-tool stopped me from going to Aria's side.

Heart racing, I checked and found the caller—Admiral Hackett with Councilor Anderson patched in.

"Admiral Hackett," I answered. "Anderson, Sir. This is Shepard."

Hackett's low, gravelly voice barely concealed his worries. "Commander. Hackett here. It's urgent."

"Shepard," said Anderson, equally troubled. "I've returned to the Alliance base in your hometown. We've received some disturbing reports. Even the lack of reports in some cases are cause for concern."

I almost didn't want to know—"How bad is it?"

"Bad," confirmed Hackett. "We just lost contact with two of our deep space outposts. There's something massive on the long-range scanners. This is it, Shepard. I'd stake my life on it."

"How long do we have?"

"Not long. I've sent word. The fleets are mobilizing."

"God help us all."

All these years, all this work, all these hours.

None of it had prepared me for this sinking feeling in my core—a black hole devouring my spirit.

Nevertheless, Anderson told me, "Commander, meet me at the Alliance base as soon as you can. I'll brief you and your team on our plan to take on the Reapers. Admiral Hackett will join us on a vid call. It'll be best for us to get to the Normandy's new war room. What's the status on your ship? Is she ready to fly?"

"She's not ready yet, Sir. The Normandy's going through the final checks as we speak."

"Understood. I'll continue monitoring the situation with our allies. We may need to send you to help one of them ASAP. It's all but assured we'll lose Earth within a few minutes. A full counteroffensive simply won't be feasible. Not this soon. And not without help. But I'll save the details for when you arrive."

"I hear you, Anderson. How will I know when we're out of time? Or are we just supposed to wait?"

Hackett informed me, "The Council managed to record a PSA. They'll ask everyone to hurry to the Citadel for shelter. Once that vid goes live across all channels, all systems in the galaxy, our days are numbered."

"It's going to be a madhouse getting to the base. If the Normandy can't pick you up, you'll need to quickly get here on foot. I can't recommend driving your car, Commander. The Reapers will be out there."

"I understand. I need to call my team; give them a heads-up. Then I'll make my way to the base." They both went oddly quiet for some reason. "Anderson? Admiral Hackett? Was there anything else?"

Anderson hesitated before saying, "It's—it's nothing. See you soon, Shepard. Be careful out there."

"Godspeed, Commander," said Hackett, something weighing on his mind, too. "We're counting on you."

As soon as I hung up with them, I worried. I fretted and I agonized.

My first instinct was to call Tali or Liara. But I knew, the second I told either of them, they would freak out. At least until I arrived safely at the Alliance base. I didn't want to coddle them. I didn't want to rile them up. I didn't want our final days of peace to end like this. This sudden need to panic. With Aria still raging over her call in the living room, I struggled to make up my mind. I didn't know what to do.

Such miraculous timing:

Tali had decided to call me instead.

She used our regular line through the team's radio frequency. But she had switched this to a private call. Everyone on the team could see our call. They couldn't join in, yet they had this knowledge nonetheless.

"Tali."

"Shepard," she said. "I know this is a surprise. Sorry. Something told me to call you. Intuition, I suppose."

Shutting my eyes, I tried my best to sound normal, "It's okay. I'm glad to hear from you."

"That's a relief. I worried you might've been busy. I'm in the engine room right now. Legion, Engineer Adams, and Engineer Daniels are coordinating with the drive core. I'm at my own station going over their checks. It's been such a strange day. Everything should be normal. Things don't quite feel that way."

"Yeah…I had the same feeling earlier."

"Hmm, so it's not just me?" pondered Tali. "I asked Joker about it over breakfast in the mess hall. He insisted I was making a big deal out of nothing. Then he started teasing me again about you cooking for me every day. Joker really isn't the best person to ask about these things. He lacks a certain insight."

"Joker's not the most intuitive person in the world."

"You can say that again."

Why was I wasting time?

Why was I trying to hold onto this notion of peace? This notion slipping through my fingers like water.

Opening my eyes again, I faced this storm. This same water from the rain. Piece by piece. Our peace tearing up into smaller and smaller pieces. Smaller than the jagged raindrops tearing through the winds.

Veiling my concerns, still, I asked her, "How's everyone else doing? Are they all aboard the ship?"

"Oh, everyone's here for once. Usually we'd have a few people exploring the city. Even Jack and Samara are helping the rest of the crew with the ship. I guess we can blame the cold and rainy day. It's not exactly the best weather for going out. Then again, I know you love the rain. You'd catch a cold today."

"Is Liara okay?"

Tali hummed in thought. "I suppose she is. For the most part. She's all settled into her new office now."

Unable to keep stalling, I finally got dressed.

This warmth of a nice sweater, with a collar high enough to scarf my neck. This comforting layer of my N7 hoodie on top of it. Rugged jeans to withstand the rain. And combat boots with plenty of traction. I had attached a decent layer of shielding to this outfit. Mostly to guard against any threats outside, against the rain, or stampedes of panicked crowds. Specifically this set of clothes for this specific day.

Tearing at this peace even more—violet stalks of lightning flashed through the skies now, bolting down from the rainclouds. Through Tali's silence, I felt a similar tearing. Something began to rip at this normalcy with us. This ongoing normalcy from long before today. She and I had spent so much time setting this aside. Trying to be normal. Trying to keep the peace. Even with this danger rumbling beneath the surface, deeper than the thunder growling outside on this day. So much deeper than that.

Tali had picked up on my thoughts, however obscure.

Breaths thinning, worrying, she hesitated to speak up first.

Something of her voice through her breaths had haunted me already.

"Tali," I whispered.

"Yes…?"

What I should have told her months ago—

Long before this end barreling toward us, nearing:

"I love you, too."

Tali sniffled thickly, agonizing, "Why are you saying this to me, Shepard? Why are you telling me now?"

I couldn't answer her.

I couldn't find the words, or the right reasons.

All because this felt like so much more. More than one single mission to prepare for. More than one simple operation to complete to the end. One at a time. One by one. Except I couldn't separate this, or sequester anything into pieces. This all felt like one giant panic and terror and anxiety. A singular horror hanging over my head, and I couldn't escape it. Something greater than me, something larger than me—larger than life—and I couldn't hope to face it down by myself. This truest measure of my insignificance had put so much into perspective for me. So much, too much, and not enough. These eternal regrets.

Tali started digging at my psyche: "Fine. If you won't explain yourself, then I'll be the one to say it. I woke up with a terrible feeling today. The absolute worst. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to leave home without you, either. Except I had to do it. I needed to finish this work on the ship. With the way things are now, it's getting harder to hold back with you. To stop myself from being completely honest."

Molten, melting.

This center of me, and my confidence, had both fallen to pieces, smelted and igneous in a nervous heat.

"What are you trying to say, Tali?"

Breaking the levee at the worst possible time—

"You don't really need me to explain myself, do you? Aria was the one who specifically picked out my new suit, you know. She said it would leave very little to your imagination. Seems like it's working."

I inhaled harder, feeling dizzy all of a sudden. "…why are you telling me this now?"

"Because, Shepard. I am too young to have this many regrets. When I first came here years ago, it was around the holiday times. Christmas and New Year's. That's when we lost you—and then Liara shortly afterward. I still have nightmares about it from time to time. It's not because I refuse to move on from that pain. It's more about what it represents. That idea of losing you forever. Not having you with me."

"Do you mean that in a specific way?"

"Of course I do. You know exactly what I mean. You don't even have to ask."

Tali had shifted her tone with me. Not holding back. Not censoring herself anymore. All as she shared this sense with me. Everything we knew was about to end. And so she had chosen to do this. Even as I felt my own fears throbbing within me. Higher up, they clawed at me. Clawing at my willpower; shredding it piece by piece. The same pieces from before. The same that I had always feared with us.

"Tali…the Reapers are almost here. They're minutes away from us. I can't—I can't focus like this."

"I know, Shepard," she soothed. "I know… That's the only reason why I'm not saying everything. If you were in front of me, in-person, things would be different. Much different." Tali finally gave me a moment to breathe. She let me off easy for now. I still felt my thoughts and emotions going haywire—for reasons I didn't understand. "You and Aria need to get here. It isn't safe for us to get the Normandy in the air at the moment. We won't be finished with everything until tonight at the earliest. I can't rush our checks."

"Don't worry about that," I told her, shuttering my bedroom windows. "I'd rather have the Normandy fully-functional. Stick to the schedule." Fortifying the furniture in my room, shielding the bed. I made sure to bolster my space as much as I could. "Anderson wants to send us to help one of our allies ASAP. We might have to leave the ship behind. I'll need you and the others to finish up while we're gone."

"Okay, we'll do our best. I'd rather not have to be separated from you. But I'll follow your orders."

Before leaving my bedroom, I picked up one last thing.

These mysterious rings from my not-so-mysterious sender. I placed them back around my dog tags. I needed my so-called lucky charms. And I needed to make up my mind on what to do with these rings.

I still wanted to propose to Aria.

After everything she had done for me, it was only a matter of when instead of if. Even as my vices had thoroughly exposed my worst sins. Aria already knew this. And she already understood my struggles. I could recall talking to her about them. Or at least trying to. She had merely smirked and said she did, in fact, understand. "I'll take the blame for this one, babe," she had said. "This bloodlust shouldn't belong to you. We can blame my new influence over you and call it a day. For the record, I don't mind these things. Even if you do. But I still expect you to be on your best behavior. That's never going to change."

Tali gasped in horror before telling me, "Shepard, turn on the news! It's the Council. They're speaking."

Already on my way to the living room, I went to the vid screen with the Alliance News Network on.

Aria had switched to seething at Bray instead of outright yelling at him. Even still, she paused her anger to listen to this broadcast. This pre-recorded message, without a doubt, showing Anderson with the turian, salarian, and asari councilors together at the Citadel Tower. The four of them stood in a somber silence before the towering window, those familiar cherry trees blooming in the brightened background.

"Citizens of the Milky Way," addressed the salarian councilor. "We, the Council, have interrupted your regular programming to deliver a dire, urgent message. It brings us no joy to send this message. We understand, in giving you this information, that it will disrupt all order in the galaxy. Yet it is unavoidable, for the threat that nears us already intends to do the same. We cannot escape what the future holds."

The turian councilor hastened to the point, even as he opened with an outright lie—"We've just received word of an imminent invasion. It is a vast army of destructive, sentient beings. These beings, these 'Reapers', seek to kill us all. They will upend our civilizations. They will level our countless worlds and colonies. They will wipe us out—if we do not fight back. They will weaken us, but still we must fight."

"You must evacuate," urged Tevos. "Leave your homes. Flee with your families, your friends and loved ones to the Citadel. This great station will open its arms to the needy, providing safe shelter in the Zakera Wards to all who seek it. Anyone who is able to stay where they are and fight—we implore you to do so. The Council sends our deepest prayers to the mighty militaries spanning the galaxy. Only their combined might can defeat our enemies. We ask you to place your trust in their capabilities while you seek refuge."

Councilor Anderson closed the message with gravity and strength: "We know you're scared. Uncertain, panicked, and worried for what lies ahead. As the asari councilor said, our militaries will bear the brunt of the attack. For humanity, the Systems Alliance will protect Earth, its colonies, and its allies. The asari, turians, salarians, and all other friends of the Council can count on the Alliance to aid their worlds. We ask you to believe in the Alliance, in your own military, and in the collective power of these ties that bind us. Even with the destruction the Reapers will bring, they will never sever these ties between us. For it is these ties, these connections that will bring us to our eventual victory over the enemy. Until then, hurry to the Citadel—or contribute to your world's resistance. Stand fast. Stand strong. Stand together—"

The recording suddenly faded to black.

The screen fogged to static. The news broadcast itself had cut out. The entire network had gone down.

No signal.

Not to Earth.

Not anymore.

One of my neighbor's shrill screams pierced through from down the hallway. Another followed, and then another, and then a few children started wailing. Those screams and wails turned into footsteps stomping down the hall. Running for their lives. Fleeing to the elevator and outside to the rainstorm.

Why had the Council outright lied like that? They shouldn't have said when they found out about the Reapers. If anyone got wind of the lies, things could've ended badly. The entire galaxy would turn on the Council, and the Citadel itself, snowballing into a catastrophic crisis. What the hell were they thinking?!

Aria's QEC call with Bray persisted. By the hardened look of alarm in her face, she wished her call would have cut out, too. Meanwhile, I heard panicking from our people on the Normandy, through Tali's end of our call. I resumed shuttering windows in the living room, covering my vid screen with a protector, and doing the same to my massive video game collection. My sentimentalities showed. Aria ended her talk with Bray, telling him they would continue this later. Then she hurried to help me fortify the kitchen. My VI would keep our apartment secure from intruders. I worried the most about stray explosions—or direct ones taking out the apartment complex completely.

I ordered Tali, "Get Liara on the line. I need you two to keep things under control aboard the ship."

"Bringing her on now!"

"Shepard!" cried Liara. "I just saw the news. Why did the Council lie? Did you know anything about this?"

"They didn't tell me anything," I replied, moving to her shared room with Tali now. "Never mind that for now. We'll deal with it later. Liara, make the rounds on the Normandy. Tell everyone I'm on my way. Aria and I are leaving soon. Tali, make sure the crew sticks to the plan. Focus on those final checks."

"I'm making the rounds," promised Liara.

"And I'm making sure we all stay focused," added Tali.

"Good. I'm fortifying your room now. Once I'm done here, Aria and I will…"

I trailed off, spotting this towering sight far outside the window:

Blaring loudly as brazen brass, those tall, skyscraper-sized ships descended in the far distance. Multiples of Sovereign, of other ships shaped just the same, crashed down to my homeworld. They clawed their way between the city's vistas. They crashed and ruined every single technological advance we'd made. They started destroying our civilization, piece by piece. Even as the Alliance's fleets quickly descended upon them, the largest Reaper ships shrugged off our dreadnought fire. Our military hardly made a dent.

Tali implored me, "Shepard, please turn on your optical camera for us. We can't see anything from here."

Solemn, I did as she asked, listening as Aria locked the appliances shut in the kitchen.

I stared out the window again, my irises glowing an omni-tool orange from my sight's camera.

Liara and Tali's frightened reactions spoke for me in this moment.

Continuing on anyway, I secured the window. I secured the adjacent bathroom. I locked their drawers shut and shielded their bed. On the desk, those pictures remained. The photographs of Tali and me, of Liara and me. I kept them there, undisturbed, ideally to look after their bedroom until we got back.

Liara's pained whisper: "Will you stay on the line with us? At least until you reach the base."

"Yes," was all I could say right then.

Returning to the living room, I found Aria waiting for me. Already she had her shotgun holstered over her back. Aria gave me a hard-edged stare, ready to go; ready for us to face this storm together. The rest of the apartment surrounded us in security. Yet only for these fleeting moments. Satisfied with this impenetrable fortress of our home, I brought Aria back to our room with me. Part of me needed to waste a little more time. I still heard those loudening screams and shrieks from the hallway. My neighbors on this floor had all made a beeline for the elevator. I wanted them to hurry on their way.

I really didn't want anyone to recognize us.

If the civilians recognized us, they would expect help and protection.

If the civilians expected help and protection, then Aria and I could've ended up entrenched somewhere.

We needed to get to the Alliance base, and then to the Normandy. Nothing else mattered right now.

Back in our now-darkened room, I brought Aria with me to the holo-closet. Searching for a jacket for her, those blaring sounds from the Reapers burned into my senses. I almost couldn't focus. Couldn't see outside. Couldn't see how near or how far those Reaper ships were. Judging from how far they still sounded, I knew we had our continued safety here. Nothing like that closeness I remembered of Sovereign from the Citadel Tower, hovering up to its backdoor after dealing with Saren. We had time.

"Here, babe," I said, finding this comfort of my all-white hoodie. "Put this on. I don't want you to be cold out there. Our shields will at least keep us dry. But the storm will be going non-stop the whole time."

Knowing Tali and Liara listened and watched, Aria tried to save face—"Shepard, that's the least of our…"

Knowing her better than that, I held out this hoodie anyway. I even curled it up properly. Enough to place it over her head myself. I adored her, and I loved her—and in this moment, her possibly catching a cold meant more to me than the blood-curdling screams from our neighbors out in the hall. Aria saw my emotions in my orange-tinted eyes. Stubborn and shy both, she couldn't fight against me anymore.

Gentler now, Aria let me place the hoodie over her. I brought it down her other jacket properly, covering, warming. She wouldn't quite look at me. She had turned her gaze away in embarrassment. I didn't mind, though. So long as we stayed together and didn't get separated, we would be okay.

"There's going to be a stampede," I stressed. "The whole neighborhood's on their way to Central Station right now. It isn't safe to drive in the air, but I'm sure people are going to try anyway. We just need to get to the Alliance base. Anderson's waiting for us."

"All right," said Aria. "Let's gear up and get going. We'll try and make it to the monorail. Are you ready?"

"No…but we have to leave anyway. Come on."

We rushed back to the living room. Aria double-checked to make sure she still had her shotgun. I only had my sidearm with me. Not the Black Widow that Tali and Liara had bought for me. I'd already sent it to the armory on the ship, not wanting anyone to recognize me as a soldier for this. Hurrying toward the front door, Aria placed her hood over her head, and I did the same with mine. We opened the door to the madhouse in the hall. I held Aria's hand, steadying myself. She gave me her strength in return.

No point in using my tactical cloak for us yet. Not with so many people bumping into us. Hopefully later.

In this split moment before leaving, before going, I looked inside my apartment one last time. This singular place that had held me, kept me safe for so long. Practically my entire adult life by now. So many memories here, all across the spectrum of memorable and terrible and delightful. I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want to leave home. I felt every part of my heart pulled back inside, urging me to stay.

Incomprehensibly powerful, the destruction mere miles away motivated me to fight back.

Gripping Aria's hand now, I made sure the door to our home locked shut behind us. We hurried outside.

---

Leaving the apartment building, Aria and I had no choice but to follow the herd around us. We blended in as much as possible. Even as these people, so helpless, sobbed and commiserated with one another. I had to keep pulling my hood down, just to make sure no one recognized me. Aria did the same. As we rounded the corner to the Pantheon-like bank, I glanced back at my apartment complex one last time.

The tall stature of the building still stood strong beneath the pouring rain. Even as errant wreckage from the sky had clawed at a number of signs and billboards in the area, hanging by a thread. I felt its every intention to remain standing, as my home's promise to still be there in one piece once I got back.

Every shop, every restaurant we passed had been abandoned. But the police station nearby had fully activated. Fleets of police cars zoomed off in every which direction. The cops had set up a perimeter around the neighborhood. None of the Reaper ground forces had pushed through to this area. Still off in the far distance, those gigantic enemy ships misted in the rain. So much farther out: their forms had considerably fogged, indistinct. And so the logic was that we had time. We had time to safely escape.

Blaring sounds from the Reapers, all the police and ambulance sirens in the area, and everyone's continuous screams, panicking, crying, shouting, rushing. Every layer of noise drowned out whatever space I'd had in my mind to think clearly. Each added layer made it harder for me to focus. The Reaper ships beamed down everything that moved in the larger, central areas of the city. Flying harvesters zipped through the skies, gunning down the panicked civilians in their skycars. Constant starfalls blazed on overhead, from destroyed Alliance ships falling from the sky and from orbit. The collective psyche of my homeworld had collectively fractured, collecting the fragments and throwing them everywhere, chaos abound, and with no hopes of stopping. Everyone's minds had shattered.

A man flung himself from the 40th floor of a nearby building. Other civilians panicked and ran out of the way. He screamed at the top of his lungs about Armageddon as he fell to the ground, bones shattering. He somehow survived. Lying in a pool of rain and his own blood, he sobbed over the asphalt in that near life-ending pain. A few police officers in the area ran over to help him. They quickly called for their paramedics. Everyone else focused getting out of here. They prioritized their own families. Their own loved ones.

Absolutely everyone—Aria and myself included.

Liara and Tali groaned in recoil from the other end. Yet still they needed me to hurry to them.

Aria's heated breaths brushed against my hooded head, my ear—"Babe, talk to me. I need a refresher. If we take the monorail, it'll bring us directly to the Alliance base. It's only taking us over the water, right?"

"Yes," I replied to her. "The monorail just takes us above the water, straight to Coronado. The Reapers are focused on hitting downtown. We have to cross over now before they start moving outward. I don't think we have much of a choice, either. If we walk all the way around to the Coronado Bridge, that would take hours. There's no telling what the city will look like by then. We could end up in trouble."

"If that's the alternative, then we'd better go now."

Central Station stood in that corner between the bank and the police station, still holding strong. Errant destruction from the air had cut away at a few pieces. The nearby ad for the Alliance News Network had almost fallen off the hinges. That image of the before-times continued to smile down on us, broken, as we all hurried inside the station.

Pitch black, pitch dark, and pitch perfect all the same—we rushed through the near-darkness of the inside. Just enough light poured through from the broken windows, from other people having broken the windows themselves to jump through, cutting past the crowds. Our footsteps pattered over the tile floor in a cacophony of rushing, rushing, rushing. Aria and I could hear every single conversation from the crowd around us. Every single scream, whimper, bout of crying. Every single person from the back pressuring the ones in the front to hurry the fuck up. A handful of police officers ran around, armed and armored. Their shouts echoed through the tiled station, all in a vain, useless effort to maintain order.

"You need to pay the fare!" shouted one of the officers, thundering. "Get in line! GET IN LINE! Pay the fare with your metro cards! You can't board the monorail all at the same time!" He jumped in fright as people started jumping the fare meters, right past him. "Damnit, I said get in line! You can't bulldoze—"

The screaming, panicked crowd kept on stampeding past him. The lone police officer grabbed his assault rifle, threatening to shoot if no one stopped. No one stopped anyway. They bulldozed past him, shoving him to the ground. He shouted and screamed as those non-stop footsteps crushed him in his armor underfoot. His agony grew higher pitched by the moment, echoing all through the building. The sheer weight from these desperate humans had killed him in minutes. Only the parents helping their children jump the meters had slowed down. People started rushing past them, too, gathering and gathering until they ran them over. Aria and I at least tried to jump another meter, away from the struggling families. Even if we couldn't stop to help them, we didn't pile in on the madness. No one else thought to do the same. They trampled over the children already crying on the floor. Other, older children hesitated to push past the maimed kids and dead police officer, their stubborn, uncaring parents pulling them along.

Any other time, I would have tried to help.

Except I knew how helpless I was against this terrified mob.

Along the tracks, we found a lone monorail waiting for us. The digitized signs along the top displayed the chyron, reading—North Island Naval Air Station, Systems Alliance, Coronado. Screaming in salvation, the crowd all rushed board the transport. Aria somehow maneuvered us both near the front of the group. We ran through the open doors, headed for the back of the monorail. Everyone else hurried through right after us. Families, children, pets, single people. The business owners from my neighborhood. The guys who owned the liquor store down the street from my place. The sex workers who worked the street outside my apartment. People who had clearly left the house half-dressed, or pulling along the stuff they had managed to fit into a bag quickly enough. They took their seats or otherwise hovered in the aisles, gripping onto the railing for dear life. Friends and neighbors reunited with one another while aboard, hugging and crying and thanking their gods for this relief. They spoke in horror about the stampede, about the children and the police officer. They spoke the most about reaching the Citadel.

Even more people from this initial stampede straggled along, trying and trying to get in. The doors closed. The other people outside wailed and pounded on the doors, on the bulletproof windows, begging to get inside. The monorail's VI politely sounded out over the intercom, "The vehicle is now filled to capacity. Please clear the area and wait for the next arrival. The next vehicle will arrive in approximately 6,444,871 hours and 33 minutes. Next stop, Systems Alliance Naval Air Station."

The people sitting nearest to the windows on that side screamed louder than ever before. The people outside clawed and clawed at the doors, even as the monorail pulled out of the station. The people ran and chased after our vehicle. The people gripped onto the windows, hinging their bleeding nails over the thin steel wrapped around the glass, keeping it in place. The people out there screamed as the monorail picked up speed, leaving them behind. The people out there hollered and yelled as they held on, only to go flying off into the water once the monorail began crossing over the long tracks leading to Coronado.

On the other end, I heard Liara's sudden gasp. She muffled her mouth to stop herself from crying. Tali had muted herself. Liara quickly did the same. Knowing they still heard my surroundings, seeing through my eyes, I only blinked and looked away. Aria and I sat in silence as the monorail zipped along. She sat on the side nearest to the window. I sat right beside her in the aisle seat, gripping her hand. Trembling.

We listened to everyone's conversations, quieted now that we all had this false, temporary calm.

I just noticed who stood beside me in the aisle. A group of police officers who had already abandoned their posts. They had left behind their identifying rifles and armor. The under armor they wore—drenched from the rain outside—and their shameful expressions, gave everything away to me. None of the civilians noticed. They carried on their conversations, blissfully unaware of these officers who'd deserted the force. The ex-officers simply huddled together, shuddering from the cold, the biting fear.

The oblivious civilians stared out the rainy windows, out at the carnage the Reapers wreaked on the downtown area—the gaslamp. From here I spotted the convention center rising up into the skies, glittering as glass several stories high. Normally people would go there to attend trade shows or expos. I still remembered going to Comic-Con there when I was a kid. I watched a single destroyer ship beam through the convention center, blasting the building to pieces, and my memories of that building with it. All along that harbor, the Reapers repeated this same story. This same destruction they wrought down on the hotels, the small boats buoyed along the waters, along Seaport Village; that restaurant I had taken my ex to for our first date, completely crushed beneath the weight of a Reaper landing near the historic USS Midway along the water; farther north along the winding harbor, the Waterfront Park, the fountains and the once-safe playgrounds for kids, collapsed to violence; winding farther northwest along that harbor in my view, the old, old Coast Guard building bustled back to life, the Alliance using it as a temporary shelter for civilians, shuttles flying to and fro with terrified people aboard; westerly close to the waters, the San Diego International Airport had devolved into total madness, the civilian transports decimated by Reaper ships moving outward already from the downtown area, exactly as I had feared. I knew they would rain down the same fate on La Jolla Shores and the Marine Room, the mall in Fashion Valley, the 94, and Mission Beach. I had no idea if my neighborhood, my home would be safe after all.

Nearer and nearer, Coronado awaited us across these waters, along with the Normandy on the base.

The Alliance base covered the entire north part of the island. The birthplace of naval aviation for humanity. Another heart of the Alliance, next to our headquarters in Vancouver, and Arcturus Station.

Shuttles and civilian transports and frigates and cruisers and fighters and dreadnoughts all departed from the base. Soldiers and marines prepared to fight, prepared to die. Regular people just needing to get away safely to the Citadel. Canon fire from the Alliance rained through the rainy skies hardest from this center point, from the strength of our base. Focused fire from our fleets fired against destroyer ships and turrets from the Reapers, taking them down. Those larger ships, though. Not quite Sovereign-sized, but similar in shape. Those, the Alliance shot against in vain. Those we couldn't take down with regular dreadnought fire. The Alliance still fired and fought. They defended Earth as hard as they could.

Not wanting to look out at the fighting, Aria lowered her head. She pulled her hood lower down to cover her eyes. I glanced around, noticing a group toward the center of the train. They had looked back here, outwardly wondering about the lone asari with us. I could read their lips as they wondered if this was in fact Aria, as they had recognized her. They then assumed it couldn't have been her, figuring she was out there with me, somewhere, defending the city. For that reason alone did they finally look away from us.

Something more than that had pricked at Aria's self-consciousness.

Gazing into the cold chill of her iced eyes, I spotted her deepest emotions. Faced with this invasion, Aria also faced her own insignificance before the Reapers. They could have easily crushed her. Even though she had the strength to protect against a single beam from a single ship. That was really all she could do.

Something else bothered her, too. Something else I could fully discern.

I muted my call with Tali and Liara, asking her, "What is it, babe?"

Shame simmering, Aria nevertheless leaned against me, against my shoulder.

Then she muttered out, "You may have heard me yelling earlier in the living room. I lost Omega. The station isn't under my control anymore. But it's hardly Bray's fault. None of us had seen this coming."

"I did hear you say that," I mentioned. "Was it the Reapers? This soon?"

"No," she admitted. "It's Nyreen. She finally took advantage of my absence…at the worst possible time."

"Nyreen?! But how? Why?"

"I don't know. And it's pissing me off."

"We can leave to Omega right away," I offered. "We'll get your station back. Whatever you need."

Aria declined, "We can't, Shepard. We need a plan first. We shouldn't just go in guns blazing. But I do appreciate the thought. The Reapers will be there soon, if they haven't already invaded. Surely that will make things simpler and more difficult when the time comes. I'll let you know once I'm ready to go."

"All right, then. We'll go as soon as you're ready. What about Liselle? Do you know if she's okay?"

"I spoke with Liselle this morning," she said. "My daughter is already on the Citadel. She'll be fine."

"The Citadel?" I asked, recalling the last time I had seen Liselle with Shiala. "Why isn't she on Thessia? Isn't she supposed to be guarding the University of Serrice? Or is she getting stationed someplace else?"

No response from Aria.

Accepting her wishes, I unmuted my radio call. I glanced out the window again. We would arrive at the base soon enough. The monorail's railing began wrapping around the north part of Coronado, still taking us over the water. Staring up at the stormy skies, I spotted the Alliance's Fourth Fleet flying right over our heads. The ships crossed eastward to the city's downtown area. Not even once the Reapers fired at them did they break formation. The dreadnoughts fired back, weakening the destroyer-type ships, while the others finished them off. The destroyers toppled over in the middle of the city, crashing down against the skyscrapers and other buildings next to them. One of the larger Reaper ships retaliated. Its blood red beam cut right through the dreadnoughts, detonating them in seconds. The dreadnought nearest to the monorail exploded as a giant flashbang grenade in the sky, wreckage shooting outward.

The impact from the blast and the wreckage hit straight through the monorail's tracks, destroying our path.

No time to stop or even slow down—our ride plummeted down into the bay's waters, crashing through.

The sudden, unwanted plunge from a roller coaster: the people at the front of the monorail screamed hardest before submerging underwater. Cracks in the windows from the explosion rushed the water in. This nosedive drowned every single person up there—down below—without warning. Acting on my own instincts, I grabbed hold of Aria, needing to protect her. She cursed in a helpless, panicked rage, needing to stop this, needing to end this. The monorail swiftly tilted more. This abrupt whiplash made me hit my head hard against something, I didn't know what. I blacked out as Aria, Tali, and Liara called out to me.

All I remembered of the present: submerging underwater. Trapped inside this monorail. No escape. These drowning sounds of Aria's biotics. My own unconscious breaths bubbling out underwater. Water filling my lungs. Unclear, underwater images of Aria using her heeled boots to kick the window next to her. She rammed and rammed and rammed, cracking the glass moment by moment, forcing herself to not breathe. Holding her breath while exerting herself over and over again. Holding me to her chest, holding me, gripping me tightly while nearly everyone else screamed and drowned. All of those people…

"Hey," called someone else's voice. A woman's. "Come here. We need to talk."

"Come here?" I wondered back. "Where's here? Who are you…?"

"You know who I am, Shepard. Did you forget my voice or something? Are you that out of it already?"

"I don't… I don't know. I don't trust you."

"I know you don't. Doesn't matter now, though. We can't avoid this conversation. It's non-negotiable."

Waters, darkened depths. Darkened skies, lighted in part, darkened below.

Lying over my back, I opened my mind's eye to an ethereal otherworld. Higher consciousness. Somewhere so far above the material, above reality; above anything I could have perceived in my waking hours. I found these immeasurable heavens before me. Gazing up at the skies, thick clouds of pure white smudged to black higher up. Pitch black, the black of the starry sky. The paint continued, so surreal, as lavenders fluffed with more white. Watercolors of light and dark and the purples in between. On the ground, on this horizon, an inflorescence of lotus flowers bloomed along the walkways. No civilization. Just these white flowers, glowing as blue from the inside, some of them. Others simply bathing in the everlasting light of this landscape. Shallow, elegant, all-black waters covered the ground, watering the flowers, watering me. The shallowness barely disturbed me. Like lying in a puddle of water in the rain.

Hanging on by a thread, I somehow stayed in Aria's hold. She had kicked open the window. She kept me with her, swimming through the opening. Right before she could get away, someone grabbed at her ankle. One of those deserters desperate for help, desperate to stay alive. I felt my own body weakening in Aria's arms. On that verge. Aria knew the same. She forced her breath to hold, kicking that coward away. She left him to die with everyone else. She swam upward, powering us back to the safety of the land.

"Hey, Skipper," said the woman. Ashley. She stood over me. "You can't leave yet. We need to talk."

I hardly believed she deserved her N7 armor anymore. Why did she keep me captive like this?

Maybe captive, maybe not. The captain remained here with me, too. She sat behind me. Nearest to my head where I lay on this shallow watered ground. Sol sat with her legs crossed. Perfectly calm. Perfectly at peace. Perfect Zen. She stared down at me. Upside-down from my position. The lights of her eyes reflected my own, but in complete strength. Strength of mind. Unbothered. Unburdened. Undying.

Ashley knelt down by my side, advising, "You can always stop here. Stop while you're ahead, you know?"

Disoriented, confused. "What…? Why would I want to stop? We just…we just started."

"I know, right? You just started, and look at the mess you're already in. If you think things won't get worse, then you're in for another rude awakening. But if you give up now, no one will blame you."

"I can't do that, Ashley… I can't. People are counting on me. I have to…keep going. No matter what."

Ashley smiled at me. As if she had expected this answer. The heavenly skies above also seemed to smile. That perfect balance of dark and light. Fearing neither. Believing in neither. Assuming the purity nor the danger of neither. Both of them together, blending, bleeding. Both that should not have belonged as one, existing as one beauty. One calming vista. One companion for me on this long verge.

For no apparent reason, Ashley pushed down on my chest. Or…someone else did. Aria in real life? Ashley simulated the same. She pressed down and down. Simulating CPR on me. All as this blended dream and not-dream; living and not-living. Aria's frantic love reached me even here. Even so far away from her.

"You're taking this pretty seriously," noticed Ashley. "Preserving and protecting the universe. That's your role, isn't it?" She held onto my jaw. She could have leaned down. Breathing into me. "There's still another part of you, though. That other half that's sick of everything. The other half that needs to destroy. Because she doesn't believe in the same things you do." I glanced up at Sol sitting behind me. "Two gods. Two separate goals. One Mind, One Master. Only one gets to win. Who'll take it home in the end? We might find out. Or we won't—if you decide to give up."

"I told you, Ashley. I'm not giving up. I have to keep going. I have to finish the mission."

Leaning down now, Ashley brushed her lips over mine, heating. "You say that now, Skipper. But something else might happen. You might not make it to the finish line. By that point, you won't really have a choice. If you're that exhausted…the decision will be much easier. I'll support you in that case. One hundred percent. Even if no one else does. Because you deserve better. You deserve better than to suffer like this. All for a bunch of faceless people who don't matter. And even the ones with faces that you can't stand."

"I'm not suffering for them… I'm not. I'm a marine. I'm a soldier. I'm doing my job. I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do. I'm protecting the galaxy."

"A flawed galaxy filled with flawed people who'll never change. People like me who will lie to your face. People like your other exes who will let you down, every single time. People like your former teammates who will turn on you in the end. People you can't rely on. They're everywhere. They're all over the place. You can't escape them, no matter how much you keep justifying your white knight quest to protect the galaxy. If you wanna keep repeating your worst nightmares, be my guest. But I'm telling you now, Shepard. You'll end up getting sick of it. You'll get so sick of it that you'll want to throw up your own humanity. Trust me."

Jolting awake, this water in my lungs couldn't hold anymore. I sat up and leaned over to one side, coughing up this water onto this cracked pavement. Coughing so hard that my eyes watered beneath this storming rain. My shields had somehow kept me dry. My hood still covered my head. My N7 hoodie still held me, comforting. But my hands trembled as I struggled to get up. I sat here, useless. Weak and useless and inept as the rain poured, as these nearing sounds of moaning, groaning husks ran my way.

Aria shouted in a rage behind me. She fired off her biotics at those husks, her Flares as constant explosions of violet. Other Alliance soldiers held the line down this street. I looked up for a street sign. Only to spot the Alliance base across the way. The Normandy took up the skies in size. Emergency-only: Tali had decided to forego the usual plans, getting the ship into the air anyway. My ship landed just nearby, the winds unsettling debris everywhere. The gangplank from the cargo hold dropped down, extending. Out hurried Liara and Tali over my way, both of them armed and panicked and worrying.

They quickly found me, sitting on the ground at my side, checking me over. Councilor Anderson emerged from the Normandy shortly afterward. He looked to me, only for Aria to stop him in his tracks.

"What the fuck is going on?!" she demanded. "You and the Council needed to do something sooner! You sent out that PSA when the Reapers were minutes away from Earth! Are you that incompetent?!"

Anderson held his hands out, entreating, "Aria, please! This was out of my hands! I wanted to say something sooner. I wanted to mobilize our fleets. Get our people safely to the Citadel earlier. Much earlier! The other councilors tied my hands. They voted against me. I couldn't act against them—"

Aria grabbed him by his collar, snarling, "You think I give a shit about excuses?! Shepard and I could have died out there! That fucking dreadnought exploded and hit the monorail! Everyone drowned except for us! That wouldn't have happened if you had fought harder—or at least given us a heads-up! We could've finished with the Normandy and gotten out of here by now!"

"Aria!" cried Kaidan, hurrying from the cargo hold. "Aria, hang on! This wasn't Anderson's fault! Come on, let's not do this! Not in the middle of a Reaper invasion! We'll hash out our differences later!"

Aria shoved Anderson away from her. He stumbled back, winded, but otherwise stayed on his feet. She paced around, putting plenty of distance between them.

Tali muttered beside me, "I can't really blame her. This was a colossal mistake on the Council's part. They should have listened to Anderson. We all knew the Reapers would hit Earth first. They should have warned us."

"They should have," agreed Liara. "I can't believe they had to nerve to lie in their message. If anyone found out…"

"I know," I groaned. "Come on. Let's get back to the Normandy. Unless Anderson needs a minute."

"I think he does," said Tali. "Aria, too. Let's at least get you out of this storm and into the cargo hold."

We watched Kaidan attempt to go to Anderson's side. Only for Anderson to hold his hand out, signaling that he did in fact need a minute. Aria continued pacing around down the block. I knew approaching her at a time like this wasn't the best idea. So I resigned myself to boarding the ship with Liara and Tali. We kept the gangplank down, staring out to the street. Kaidan started walking back to the Normandy. As he boarded the ship, something in the sky caught my eye. The eye of a storm thickened and spiraled there. Like the center of a hurricane.

A long, powerful, reddened Reaper beam lasered through, cutting down from the clouds. Entirely by chance. A strike of lightning. A strike from a Reaper. That strike, that laser cut through the area. A constant chainsaw of heat and energy, the beam uprooted the cars and the street and the buildings. Far enough away to not hit the Normandy. Too close for us to see clearly. Way too close for comfort.

Not in Aria's direction.

I still saw her down the block. She had whipped around, staring in horror at that destruction.

The dust quickly settled in the rain. The truth played out so clearly before me:

His Alliance uniform showed beneath the rubble. His head. His expression of shame, contorted that way on his stressed, aging face as he died under the collapsed wreckage. Completely by chance.

"Anderson…?"

Kaidan ran over to him. "Sir! Councilor Anderson! Councilor, Sir! Just hang on!" He knew better. He knew better than that. Kaidan grabbed at the rubble anyway; bled his hands anyway, pulling. "Come on! Come on! This isn't happening… This isn't happening! Anderson, you can't leave us! We need you!"

A few other Alliance soldiers in the area heard his shouting. They rushed over to help.

I steadily walked toward them. All in this strange trance. Disbelieving.

Back on the street, watching Kaidan and the soldiers rescue his corpse, I couldn't breathe. Only when I felt Aria's hand on my shoulder did I remember where I was. She felt partially responsible. She whispered, "I'm sorry." Aria chose to apologize. Her willful apology grounded this reality for me.

The collapsed building had crushed Anderson in half. Right down his core. Kaidan and the other soldiers had to pull Anderson's corpse in two. Just to get him free. His bloodied uniform. Disfigured and disrespected. I leaned down, carrying Anderson's head, his torso still connected as one. Holding back his emotions, Kaidan brought our leader's other half along. We safely brought Anderson's body to a pod. We brought him back together. As we set him inside, Joker's solemn voice sounded over the intercom. He asked me if we should at least get the Normandy to a safer location. Still on Earth. Still somewhere nearby. Just away from the brunt of the attack while we decided what to do next. I gave him the go-ahead. Giving out these orders by sheer force of will, possessed of what Anderson had left behind.

---

Everyone assembled in the war room with me. Silent at first. So silent. The only sounds: from the occasional emotion, private realizations. Losing Anderson signaled a true transition for us. This sudden wakeup call about the war, about what this all meant. Aria stayed with me, vacillating between her own confusions. She didn't know whether to blame herself or not. I didn't blame her. She felt as much from me. Maybe she needed time to believe it. Kaidan grappled the most with Anderson's death. The Alliance, the symbolism. The others like Jack, Legion, EDI, and Samara had never gotten to know Anderson all that much. But they still understood the gravity of this situation. Liara, Garrus, and Tali no doubt remembered our first mission against Saren, how Anderson had risked his career to help us then.

The only other sounds came from Specialist Traynor at the vid comm. She worked in a mournful quiet, doing her best to connect us to Admiral Hackett. I needed to tell him what had happened. Joker had already moved the Normandy to the city's outskirts, a safe distance away from the Reapers. He shared a lot of my feelings, and Kaidan's feelings. Dr. Chakwas, too. She had asked me to head to the med bay once we decided on our first destination. Until then, I knew she needed some time to process this.

I needed some time as well. A lot of time.

But I didn't have that luxury right now.

"Commander?" called Traynor. "I've got Admiral Hackett on the QEC for you."

Heading over to the side room, I found Admiral Hackett's holographic form waiting for me. True-to-life, if only tinted in blue: I could still see hints of stress and fury reddening his face, and veining his eyes.

"Admiral." I saluted him. "You look tense. Did you…already hear the news?"

"I did, Commander," grunted Hackett, still saluting me back. "The rest of the Council confirmed Anderson's loss of life via omni-tool within seconds. They sent out an emergency memo to the heads of Asari High Command, the Turian Hierarchy, the Salarian Union, and myself as the head of the Alliance. I'm tremendously sorry for your loss. For the Alliance's loss, and for humanity's. This is truly a dark day."

"Did they not notify Alliance Parliament?"

Hackett's forehead veined as much as his eyes. "They should have been notified. Except all of Alliance Parliament abandoned us a few days ago. We had lost contact with them. We assumed the worst. After a detailed scrubbing of Arcturus Station, we found out the truth. They knew ahead of time that the Reapers were coming our way. Alliance Parliament ran for the hills to save their own hides."

"They deserted the Alliance?!"

"I'm afraid so… They did their research. Found out that the Prothean Empire suffered crippling losses on day one of their Reaper invasion. The enemy wiped out all Prothean leadership before anyone could realize what happened. That one move gave the Reapers a significant advantage. I'm guessing Alliance Parliament didn't want to risk history repeating itself. Except we've lost Councilor Anderson instead."

Fucking cowards.

Already I felt the rest of my team congregating nearby. Liara especially had perked up upon hearing about the Protheans. Her interest led everyone else to listen in, some paces behind me.

"How are you holding up, Admiral? Is the Fifth Fleet still near Arcturus Station?"

Admiral Hackett pained himself to admit, "We did our best to hold the station. But we were forced to retreat. A large contingent of Reapers made a mad dash for our location as soon as they hit Earth. We're currently en route to the Arcturus Relay. Just had to sacrifice the entire Second Fleet. They gave their lives so that we could run away safely. It's all a mess, Commander. We were massively unprepared."

"We knew about the Reapers ahead of time. Before he died, Anderson said that he wanted us to mobilize sooner…except the rest of the Council shot him down. Do you know anything about this?"

"Absolutely," he scorned. "I understand your team's listening in. A lot of this is security-sensitive. Can I trust your people to keep this under wraps? Especially the asari on your crew—and I mean no offense."

Baffled, I looked back at Aria, Samara, and Liara. They each nodded to me. Though Aria and Liara looked admittedly more confused than Samara did. Samara already knew. And she didn't look happy about it.

"It's fine, Admiral. What happened? Why are we reacting as if we had zero intel before the invasion?"

"Long story short, the Council hamstringed us. Hard. Councilor Anderson joined me in vying for a more planned approach. We wanted to put out that PSA one week ahead of time. This would've given our civilians more time to safely evacuate. Not just human citizens, but everyone else as well. We wanted to mobilize our fleets. We wanted to put the word out. We wanted our soldiers and our marines and the entire galaxy to be prepared for this war. At first, the rest of the Council listened. They acted like they gave a damn. But once they put it to a vote, the asari councilor, the turian councilor, and the salarian councilor each said no. They shot us down and swore us to total secrecy—or else."

"Is that why you couldn't even tell me ahead of time?"

Admiral Hackett sighed in regret, replying, "That's correct. I knew you were getting some R&R at home. We had intel that the Reapers would hit your hometown before any other city on Earth. We at least wanted to tell you, so that you could prep your team and your ship. The asari councilor made some strange gambits to ensure we stayed quiet. She threatened to strip Earth of Council resources if you got wind of the information. I'm telling you now because goddamnit, I should've said something sooner!"

"Why the hell would she do that…? Sounds nothing like her."

Aria let out a sour laugh, somehow not surprised by her ex's machinations.

Samara stepped forward. "Admiral Hackett. Pardon me. This is Justicar Samara, a member of Shepard's team. I would kindly advise your crew to move more quickly. If you do not react in time, the Reapers giving your fleet chase will catch you unawares. The asari councilor expects for you to die out there."

"God Almighty, this is chaos!" His face contorting in anger, Admiral Hackett turned around, bellowing at his crew. "Kick it into high gear! We can't assume we're in the clear! The Second Fleet went up in flames for us! Do not let their sacrifice be in vain!" The background noise on his ship went into overdrive. Hackett's crew scrambled to follow his orders. "Commander, I don't know how else to say this. But Justicar Samara ended up saving our asses. We had a Reaper right on our tail. Last minute evasive maneuvers managed to get us in the clear. We're approaching the Arcturus Relay as we speak."

"I need you to make it out of there, Sir," I told him. "I don't know if I could handle losing you and Anderson on the same day. Where's your fleet headed now?"

"The first friendly system we could think of on short notice. We're on our way to Palaven." Hackett briefly removed his officer's cap—enough to wipe the sweat from his forehead—before placing it back on. "How did your teammate know that? Then again, if Tevos expected me to die out here, that certainly explains her tactics. Something's afoot with the asari, Shepard. I don't know what. I don't know how. Seems to me like they're angling for a serious advantage for their people—even at our expense."

"If you and Anderson died, then the information would've died with you. Did Udina know?"

"No, the ambassador had no idea. He started getting suspicious of our efforts over the summer. Then the whole fallout with Cerberus happened. Ambassador Udina was happy to pivot to that issue instead. He stayed out of our hair after that. If not for the timely Cerberus distraction, he might have found out. Udina's next in line to take over humanity's seat on the Council. We'll need to decide whether or not to apprise him of the situation. Honestly I'm more interested in figuring out what the asari are up to."

What was the asari councilor's angle on this?

She and the other asari matriarchs knew about these horrors ahead of time. They had expected Anderson to die. They had expected Hackett to die—and for the information about this gambit to die with them. That would have left me in the dark…if not for Samara choosing to go against everything.

Thessia's top politicians no doubt wanted to make inroads for their own people—at humanity's expense.

All of a sudden, Samara's recommendation for me to visit Old Armali before made total sense now.

Admiral Hackett pulled my attention back. "We can't worry about that now, Commander. Let's shelve this problem for a bit. I can report that the Fifth Fleet is officially safe. At least for the time being. Since Anderson's no longer with us, I'll brief you on the Alliance's plan to win this war. Are you prepared?"

"Yes, Admiral. I'm all ears."

"Good. Now listen carefully. Our strategy is simple. The goal is to assemble the galaxy's forces for the final battle on Earth. Our allies will need help before that happens. Their own worlds will be under siege. We help them, and they return the favor when we need them most. We'll need to retake Earth with as many of our allies as humanly possible. This is essentially a game of assembling war assets. We focus on our allies, hitting the Reapers on their respective homeworlds. They'll be indebted to us afterward.

"This narrows things down to key conflicts on individual planets. During our years of research into the Reapers, we discovered a few surprises. For all their strength, the Reapers are strikingly similar to us. They operate on a scale of morale, just like normal soldiers. If we lower their morale, it'll be easier for our ships and soldiers to take out the enemy. The best and most reliable way to lower the Reapers' morale? We take out their leaders. Frankly the Reapers will be lost without their commanders. Exactly like the Protheans were when they lost their own leaders on day one. Exactly like we all would've been if I had lost my life alongside Councilor Anderson—or even worse, if we'd lost you, too, Shepard."

"Makes sense," I accepted. "Explains why they used that tactic against us and the Protheans right out of the gate. And probably countless other civilizations before ours. Using their own weakness against us."

"We're in agreement," said Admiral Hackett. "Out there on Earth, I'm sure you noticed the Reapers of different sizes. There are the destroyer ships: the ones that pack significant firepower, but can be taken down by a coordinated assault. The next largest units, the capital-class ships modeled after Sovereign, are doing the most damage to our homeworld. They're impervious to dreadnought fire. But there's a stronger tier above those capital-class ships. We call them devil ships. These devil ships are the Reaper commanders, with Harbinger as their most powerful general. We expect one devil ship will lead the assault against each of our allies' homeworlds. If we take down the devil on one world, this frees us up to kill the rest of their units by conventional means—including those Sovereign-style capital-class ships. We rinse and repeat this until Harbinger finally makes its appearance on Earth for the final stretch."

"And I'm assuming these devil ships work like Sovereign? I'll be able to enter them via a backdoor, and take out their defenses from the inside?"

"That's correct, Commander. It'll be exactly like the Battle at the Citadel. You go in while immune to the ship's indoctrination signal. You take out that mass effect generator, and we kill the devil ship. Once that devil goes down, the capital-class ships will fall. The rest is a domino effect of entrenching the enemy until they die by our hand. By this point, they'll lack the morale to resist our combined firepower."

"Is there any particular reason why we named them 'devil ships'?"

Hackett explained, "They're functionally capital-class ships. Only stronger. The Alliance came up with this strategy. Human military. Seemed fitting to use human mythology to put our stamp on things." He brought up a holographic image of Harbinger's glowing-red form. "We'll need to draw Harbinger out. It won't reveal itself until the Reapers start getting desperate. As I said, it'll show up on Earth for the final battle. Until then, we make critical strikes against the enemy, keeping the focus on assisting our allies."

"Understood, Sir," I responded. "Do we have a definitive list for who we plan on helping?"

"Yes, Commander. Although at the moment, things are…subject to change with a few of these. I'll go over the ones we're locked in on first." Admiral Hackett brought up an image of Palaven—the turian homeworld under attack by the enemy. "The Reapers have already branched out to the turians. Their commander is leading the charge. We've named this devil ship Lucifer for the sin of pride. I think we can agree the turians are a prideful people. Thankfully not too prideful to accept our help." Next he pulled up an image of Tuchanka's war-torn world. "The krogan are safe for now. But we're already hearing reports of Reaper scouts in the area. The krogan are a powerful people who could turn the tides for us, and they have the enemy spooked. We've named their commander Satan for the sin of wrath. The krogan have never let go of their wrath over the genophage. And for good reason." The lush jungles of Sur'Kesh covered the salarian homeworld. "We're not clear on how the salarians will react to the war. Their military operates differently than ours. The salarians prefer to end wars before they even begin. That's just not possible this time around. We suspect they may try to sit this one out. It's possible they'll expect you to take out their devil ship anyway, and then proceed to provide little to no aid to the Alliance. With that said, we've named their eventual devil ship Belphegor for the sin of sloth. Not to mention their resistance against getting rid of the genophage for the krogan. It's idleness all the same."

I summed up: "So Palaven with Lucifer, Tuchanka with Satan, and Sur'Kesh with Belphegor will likely go according to plan. I bring in my team and take out the devil ships, and our combined forces deal with the rest. What about our other allies?"

Admiral Hackett continued, "This is where things start to get complicated. Most notably with Omega. Your partner Aria T'Loak happens to control the capital of the Terminus Systems. As such, Omega's fate is the fate of the Terminus. The Reapers haven't wasted any time in heading over that way." Hollow-eyed, I stared at the holographic image of Aria's station surrounded by Reaper forces. "We're setting aside protocol for whether or not the Alliance belongs out in the Terminus. There are innocent people on Aria's station. There are plenty more civilians on the other colonies out there, such as Horizon and Illium. We can't save any of them until we take down Omega's devil ship. We're naming their commander Beelzebub for the sin of gluttony. Just from how we'd characterized Aria's reign before."

Aria sounded dully amused, "I'm touched, Admiral. But I suppose that isn't too far from the truth."

"Of course," he humored, briefly. "Furthermore, Aria, I'd like to offer the Alliance's assistance with Omega. This isn't simply a matter of Omega's tactical significance for securing the Terminus Systems. As a show of our appreciation for your relationship with the commander, we're extending this invitation to you. Should you decide you require our military's aid in retaking Omega from the Reapers, then you have my promise now. The full might of the Alliance's Fifth Fleet will stand with you in that endeavor."

"Interesting," declared Aria, always with that twinkle in her eye. "Well, I'll certainly consider your offer. Give me some time to figure things out first. I'll let you know if I need you."

"Understood. Returning to our strategy: this is the first wildcard we'll have to contend with." Hackett pulled up a holographic image of the Migrant Fleet staring down the geth fleets—with Rannoch right below them. "The quarian homeworld is a serious question mark for us, Commander. We have solid intel about the quarian flotilla. We understand their admirals intend to go to war with the geth. They want their homeworld back. I can't blame them for it. Especially not after what's happening to Earth."

Tali panicked, "The admirals plan to go to war?! We're in the middle of one right now!"

Admiral Hackett sympathized with her, "Your leaders were unfortunately pretty clear. Tali'Zorah, if there's any way you could convince the quarians to stand down, it would save us a big headache. We need your people and the geth for the final assault. The geth easily could wipe out the entire Migrant Fleet in self-defense. The quarian admirals are out of their depth here, but they refuse to listen to us."

"I don't have much political sway with the admirals… They offered for me to become one of them—to replace my father after his death—but I turned them down. I'll still see what I can do to help."

"I appreciate that. Safe to say your admirals are getting greedy. They're making a colossal mistake. We decided to name their Reaper devil ship Mammon for the sin of greed. The enemy fleets aren't anywhere near Rannoch, or the Perseus Veil for that matter. It's only a matter of time until the quarians and the geth get caught in the crosshairs together. Either they team up, or they'll both get wiped out."

I had promised Tali months ago that I would help her people retake Rannoch.

I had made my promises to the geth, too. About helping Legion's people.

This situation with the Migrant Fleet had complicated my promises beyond belief.

Hackett went on, "For our last 'ally,' we have the asari." Thessia appeared there as a hologram before us. "We're actually not certain if a devil ship will hit the asari homeworld. We have some reasons to believe the Reapers will show up at some point. If only because they're going to hit every other system and planet in the galaxy. If a contingent of Reapers decides to invade, their devil ship will follow an easy naming convention. Asmodeus for the sin of lust. We're leaning into that stereotype with the asari." The image there of Thessia changed, blooming with flowers everywhere. "Here's what we do know. There appears to be a strategic asset on the planet's surface. The asari have kept it hidden from everyone for centuries—long before humanity showed up on the galactic stage. We don't have very many details on what this asset is. Only that it involves flowers. Something about Her Inflorescence. Like a paradise."

That lined up with Javik's observations during our last trip to Thessia. The Temple of Athame.

"Shepard, if you do decide to help the asari, you'll want to prioritize finding this mysterious paradise. It could give us a significant advantage. Or it could be a disastrous unknown. We don't know. What we do know is that the asari have gone to great lengths to hide this, whatever it is. So it must be valuable."

"I'll keep it in mind, Sir. That brings us to Omega with Beelzebub, Rannoch with Mammon, and possibly Thessia with Asmodeus and this secret asset of theirs. Earth will be our last stand against Harbinger."

"There's still the matter of other locations. Kahje, Irune, Dekunna, Khar'shan and the like. We don't have strong enough ties with the hanar, drell, volus, elcor, or batarians to pursue those theaters of war. As a result, their planets will suffer. They may find out we're purposely ignoring them. But it's just an unfortunate sacrifice we have to make. I won't stretch you too thin by sending you to those extra worlds. We focus on Palaven, Tuchanka, Sur'Kesh, Omega, Thessia, and Rannoch leading up to Earth."

"Perfectly clear, Admiral," I answered. "This strategy sounds seal-proof. Good to know our preparation led to something useful after all. As long as we pull this off, Anderson's sacrifice won't be in vain."

"Agreed, Commander. He spent a lot of sleepless nights putting this together for us. We're in his debt."

"Then what's our first step? If you're going to Palaven with the Fifth Fleet, should we meet you there?"

Hackett replied, "Absolutely. Meet us near the Palaven relay. We'll coordinate our approach, ensuring you infiltrate Lucifer as you did to Sovereign before. Once we defeat Lucifer, we'll retake the surrounding nebula in due time. Getting rid of the enemy's commander makes that goal achievable."

Garrus urged me, "Commander, please take me with you! I want to help my people. I still have friends out there who're probably fighting… I need to see this with my own eyes. I need to make things right."

"You're coming along, then, Garrus," I allowed. "We'll figure out the rest of our team once we're on our way." Something in Hackett's eyes had changed again. "Admiral? Are we missing something?"

"There's actually one last thing," he disclosed. "With our strategy. There's another Reaper out there."

"You mean another commander? A devil ship?"

"Yes, and it's serious. This devil ship looks like the enemy's ace. Even more so than Harbinger. If not in raw power, this ace exceeds Harbinger in its influence among the Reapers. The thing is, we don't know if it will occupy a known planet or not. Its main focus is leading the Reapers; inspiring them to push their hardest against all odds. That manner of inspiration will have a healing effect in battle. It'll be magical for them and brutal for us. The Reapers will go through hell and back for this particular commander."

"Doesn't that sound like…?"

Hackett agreed, "Sounds like you. This one likes to stay hidden, too. The similarities are undeniable."

"Then what did you decide to name it?"

"Even though it is a devil-class ship, we couldn't find a suitable sin-related name. This Reaper seems too principled for that, anyway. We went with another branch of mythology instead. Greek mythology. We're calling this ace Apollo. The god of the sun and the son of Zeus. And more importantly, it's for the god of medicine and health. Apollo can't actually heal its subordinates. But it's still a dangerous feat."

"Are we just supposed to wait for Apollo to show up somewhere? We'd have to react in the moment."

"It's sadly all we can do," confirmed Admiral Hackett. "Could be deadly if Apollo appears during our assault on another planet. It could decide to double-team with the other commander there. We don't know. But if we manage to bring Apollo down, it'll be a monumental victory for the galaxy. The enemy's morale will take a hit across all Reaper fleets. I can't overstate how important that is for the long-run."

"Then say this Apollo does show up on Palaven. Maybe Sur'Kesh or Omega. What else can we expect?"

"Not much. Our intel suggests that Apollo will likely copy your tactics as a military leader."

"Copy my tactics?" I repeated. "How, exactly, other than staying hidden until the last possible second?"

"We don't know yet. And I'm not looking forward to finding out." Back to the mission in front of us: "Commander, for the war, I'd like you to think about this next offer of mine. I want the Normandy to fly with us, with the Fifth Fleet. Specifically as part of the 63rd Scout Flotilla headed by Admiral Mikhailovich. You were originally supposed to fly with them three years ago. Mikhailovich was upset once the Normandy was reassigned to pursue Saren Arterius. He doesn't approve of your ship's design, but he knows we need you. I understand you prefer handling your missions with just your team. But if the Fifth Fleet can provide support while you're on the ground, that'll help us retake these allied planets sooner."

"Are you asking the Normandy to join the Fifth Fleet once we make it to Palaven?"

"That's right, Commander. Mikhailovich is a real stickler, but he'd be honored to have you with us. Having you and your team close by would also be a great relief for me—personally speaking. Please consider it while you're on your way here." Admiral Hackett knew I definitely needed some time. "I'll let you recharge while all this soaks in. I'm forwarding you our internal version of the information we just discussed on the Reapers. The Fifth Fleet will meet you for Priority: Palaven against Lucifer."

"Thank you, Sir," I said, saluting him. "And thank you for your leadership. We'll see you soon."

Admiral Hackett returned my salute, eternally grateful. "Thank you, too, Shepard. Hackett out."

Once his likeness disappeared from the QEC, a strange numbness overtook me.

The rest of my team remained just behind. They waited for me to react. They wanted for me to speak. They waited, fully in service to me. They trusted me to get them through this. The first step—the necessary, unwanted step—was leaving Earth behind. I couldn't bring myself to give the order.

Joker spoke gently over the intercom, "Hey, Commander. I know we have to take off and everything. I was wondering…if you wanted to look out at the city. One last time before we ship out to Palaven. I can open up the cargo hold. I guess this could be our way of saying goodbye. You know, for now."

Goodbye-for-now.

I could do that.

Back in the cargo hold, I stared out at my homeworld one last time. One final time as Joker pulled the Normandy out from the city and up to the skies. Everything I remembered of Earth burned in flames, crumbled in destruction. The Alliance helped pack as many civilians as they could into shuttles and ships. They fought back; they brought a few Reapers down at a time. Yet still the enemy shot them down. Still those red beams cut right through too many civilian shuttles, cutting those innocent lives short. At some point I had to look away. I had to let the shuttle bay shutter itself back up. I had to leave, thinking only of the Normandy passing up to Earth's orbit at last, setting off for the Charon Relay to take us to Palaven.

I resigned myself to leaving home. Leaving for the mission. Leaving for now to return a million strong.

Sight without seeing: passing through these endless Alliance ships destroyed in orbit. Flaming in destruction, falling down to the surface from these nearby heavens. Constant flows of fallen ships fell down as endless starfalls. They all burned in the light of the sun cresting over the horizon, the day setting on that far side of the globe. I could never let my own resolve leave me as this sunset. I had to set this example for my team, for everyone. I could never fall; I could never allow myself to fail. Not once.

These heavy burdens couldn't end me.

Yet as this madness continued, I knew I would have to contend with my exhaustion.

I'd had a way out earlier that day, and I turned it down.

I turned it down to face this unending mountain, and to climb up this rough side to the unattainable, highest point at the top. All on my own terms. By my own iron will, with no one getting in my way. No excuses. No failures. No room for mistakes, or bloodlust, or cynicism. No space for weakness or my own humanity working against me on this mission.

None.