Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

71. Die for the Cause

"A Frozen Soul" from Final Fantasy XV: Episode Prompto

LXXI. Die for the Cause

(Liara)

"Ashley only waited five years for you. I will wait for a thousand, if that's what it takes—until I die."

After leaving Earth, the Normandy departed the Sol System, heading to Palaven for our first battle against the Reapers.

The point of no return.

I had spent our entire break before this mission, preparing. Preparing for another woman to be Shepard's forever. Preparing for another woman to be the successor. Preparing to sit on the sidelines and watch someone else rise atop this succession of women. I had promised to support Aria, after all. I had diminished myself, and declawed myself, and made myself so insignificant that I struggled to understand the meaning of my existence. Little Liara. A meaningless existence. A constant cycle I suffered under. I loved Shepard. I loved her. I loved and loved and loved and loved and loved and loved her to death and back, unconditionally, yet it didn't matter. Not enough to affect any significant change.

I had to be her executive officer. Her second-in-command.

Shepard had her more immediate concerns. Her unusually comfortable relationship…barring the secrets her partner kept hidden away in the dark. Her barely-controlled lusts for my best friend. Not for me.

Shepard could resist her feelings for me, her lusts for me. As long as I never presented the issues to her face—directly—she could look the other way. As long as I never said a word about it. Out of sight, out of mind for her. She could conquer her urges for me. She could run away. She could let me suffer alone.

Shepard could ignore my heart crying out for her, not even an hour after she had nearly died again! That terrible scene of watching her plunge underwater aboard the monorail… I never wanted to relive it.

So much had happened since then. We had lost Councilor Anderson. We'd at long last had our detailed briefing about the Reapers, our strategy against them. We had our orders to get to Palaven. Nothing else mattered. Not even this precipice I stood on, careening far too close to stopping time itself. Stopping time to stop everything. Stopping this point of no return. Stopping my emotions—unprotected, unnoticed, and uncared for—from spiraling out of my control. I had to keep my pride. I had to wait.

Waiting.

Waiting for this forever to begin and to end. Waiting for this eternity to begin and to never, ever end.

I wished I could have told this to Shepard back in Old Armali, during our wonderful vacation together. That one taste of paradise we'd had for those three fleeting weeks. I wished I could have told her that I had, in fact, resigned myself to waiting for her. Even as I told myself that the two of us could never be. Waiting to exhale—this was what I had meant. Waiting for her to come back to me, and never letting go.

Waiting and waiting and waiting for these next thousand years—for some miracle to come around.

Some kind of miracle to reward me for my loyalty. My faith unwavering. My loyalty toward Shepard; my faith in her, and in us. However misguided. However pathetic it seemed. Foolish. Pointless. Meaningless. However much my frozen soul ached, alone and forgotten out in these cold winds, I endured for her.

For what, exactly, I did not know. All I knew was, the alternative of letting her go…it pained me too much. I couldn't let her go. I could not. I lived on and on like this, living through the expected. The same thing every day. The same, the same. Not getting to place my own needs first. Playing this jester to the Queen, to the Empress both. She sat atop me as this throne I was. An enduring throne. Unmoving. Taken for granted, perhaps. Unable to move. Unable to be anything other than stout, reliable, and permanent.

Impermanence simply didn't exist with me.

And so, after saying our goodbye-for-now to her homeworld, I expected the same. I stood here in the cargo hold with Shepard, and with our teammates, expecting the usual. Joker made mentions of an unusually snowy weather forecast on Palaven, namely in the capital of Cipritine, our destination and Garrus' hometown. Very uncommon for the turian homeworld, as they rarely experienced snow at all. As they left, the others offered more condolences to Shepard over Councilor Anderson. She thanked them quietly as they went on their way. Everyone left the two of us alone. Completely alone down here.

This warehouse of space around us in the shuttle bay:

I gazed up at Shepard's troubled expression, hearing my own voice echo to her—"Will you be all right?"

"I will be, yes," she assured me. "Thanks for asking. Think I'll be fine after I take a shower. That water from the bay feels like it's still stuck to me." Shepard observed me in her own concerns. Something of her attentions warmed me. "What about you, Liara? A lot's happened today. How are you holding up?"

Each time she asked me this question, I never knew how to answer her.

I could never tell her the truth. Yet whenever I withheld my sincerity, my response felt as a lie.

I really did need to stop lying to her. Even if it was to keep the peace. Maintaining our professionalism.

After all, I remembered the perilous dangers of lying to the commander. If she were to find out…

"I am not doing well, Shepard. But I am prepared for the mission ahead. Please don't worry about that."

So tender and gentle, unexpected. Shepard brought her hands to the bends of my arms. She used her thumbs to caress me. Not my skin directly, as I would have preferred. Only this dull shine of my lab coat, sticking to the shape of me in a shimmering black. I had hugged myself around my waist without meaning to. All for this self-care. This physical comfort she could not always give me when I needed it. Even though her hands felt cold, I enjoyed this. A frozen cold from the storm outside that had ravaged her world. Cold from nearly dying again. Cold from her proximity to yet another ice queen I could not compete with. She froze me more, yet I willed myself not to shiver. I soon found her truest warmth:

Her eyes.

Her eyes lit up more from the lights shining over the guns in the armory.

Always this softness of her eyes, helping me feel at home again. As if we had never left her apartment.

Shepard asked me, "What's the matter? Something on your mind?"

"I wish I had been with you earlier. Back on Earth while you made your way to the Alliance base. I wish it had been me protecting you from that chaos. Not merely watching you through your optical camera."

"You were already here on the ship," she justified.

Always this hard logic of hers crushing me back down to reality.

I simply wanted a genuine, romantic moment of honesty with her. Even knowing it couldn't last forever.

Shepard understood enough. Her inelegance with these things only spoke to her state of mind. Nowhere near mine. She pulled me closer to her as an apology. Unable to stay stubborn, I relented, unfolding my arms and wrapping them around her back instead. Shepard soon managed to comfort me, mollifying. A full head taller than me as she was, I basked in this feeling. This protectiveness of her hold. How small she made me feel, so submissive and serene; as if I didn't have to worry about anything anymore.

Such a terribly fleeting moment—

Feeling something against Shepard's chest, my eyes shot open. Still nestled in her hold, I stayed still. Perfectly still. Still as a statue as I surveyed this feeling beneath her N7 hoodie, her sweater underneath. This feeling beneath the side of my face pressed to her beating heart. Almost irregular now as she sensed my sensing. Sensing these…outlines. The outlines of…something hanging from her dog tags.

Rings.

Engagement rings.

Multiple rings. Possibly three. Two regular-shaped wedding bands.

The jagged richness of a bejeweled ring stabbed me—as a thick, rusted stake piercing through my heart.

"Liara…?"

Infected, diseased with emotions volatile and violent:

Time finally stopped for me. But now for all the wrong reasons. Slowed down, dilated. Time slowing down in this fight or flight moment, of me deciding—involuntarily—what to do. Involuntary as my heart surged in anger. Surging and burning from the infection from that stake through my chest. Pouring, bleeding nothing at all for anyone to see. I couldn't handle this. I couldn't accept this. I couldn't see anything, blinded behind these tears! Thick and blurred, I could've lashed out. I could have yelled and screamed for everyone aboard the Normandy to hear this sudden shattering of my heart, all broken!

I forced myself out of her hold.

I pushed Shepard away from me to get that much farther away from her.

Stumbling in this teary blindness, I rushed to the elevator. Pounding my hands against the elevator controls, indistinct, I willed myself to find the right buttons. Bringing the elevator down here. I needed it to get here. I needed to escape! I needed to go back to the safety of my room. My room away from her!

"Liara, hey!" Of course Shepard charged after me anyway. "What's going on?! Why are you doing this!?"

Miraculously, the elevator arrived.

I quickly boarded and mashed more buttons. Quickly trying to close the door. Quickly.

Shepard dashed inside with me anyway. The elevator took us both up to the crew deck. I didn't want anyone to see. I didn't want anyone to overhear us. I didn't want to have a meltdown for all to see!

"What's wrong? What's happening!?" she kept asking, over and over again. As if she didn't know. As if she had no clue whatsoever! "You're scaring me! Tell me what's going on, please!" No clue! "Liara!"

Furious.

Utterly furious.

Furious and foolish and forgotten.

She hadn't thought to warn me… Or even to ask for my blessing; how I felt! So callous! So careless!

I needed to be alone. I needed my space. I needed to let this out by myself, as I'd always had to do.

Nauseous. Sick. Bile brimming in the pit of my stomach. This sudden shock to my system. The more Shepard tried to pull me to her, the more seasick I felt. Nearly throwing up the otherwise-wonderful breakfast Shepard had cooked for me this morning. My last meal on Earth for quite some time. Those measures of her love and care for me, as all I could taste and swallow. Didn't she know what else I wanted to swallow? Deepthroat so deep I could have felt her hardness dangling down to my stomach. Right now I did. Right now I felt her callousness fucking me down. Right down my throat and more.

Every scrap of my willpower it took for me to move my legs away. Bolting from the elevator as soon as we arrived to deck three. Rushing to my room. Thanking the goddess that the mess hall and the hallways appeared empty. No one around to hear us. Maybe. I hurried to my office with Shepard at my heel.

The one time I didn't want her to come after me, and she refused to leave me alone!

"Liara, talk to me!" she begged, pulling at my wrist. "What do you need? Will you hold on—?!"

"No," I snapped, yanking my hand from her. "If you haven't gotten the hint by now, then allow me to be perfectly clear! I need space! Please leave me be! I need to be alone right now! That is what I need!"

She sputtered as I slipped inside my room. The door closed right in her face. I locked the door behind me. That red of my non-permission.

My automated sensors continued picking up Shepard's presence outside my door. Out in the hall. No doubt someone had overheard our explosive drama. I hadn't been as quiet as I should have back there.

I couldn't even wait and linger to see how long Shepard would wait and linger for.

Bubbling and churning in my stomach. Violence curdling up my throat. So close. Clamping my hand over my mouth did nothing. Nothing as this mess churned more with my running, rushing to my bathroom across the way. Past my office space. Past my bedroom area. This too-recent, half-digested food snaked up to the back of my tongue, acidic. In the bathroom, I collapsed at this rounded steel. I shut my watering eyes. I heaved only air, coughing out this harsh, acrid acid of my saliva. Only that. Nothing else.

Sick. Just sick. Sick and alone. Sick and sick and sick with no release. Coughing and coughing. Coughing with this bile still creeping in my throat, uneven and pulpy as a revolting mush. This molded making of Shepard's love for me stayed in my system. It stayed put as I cried and coughed in this violence, hearing these louder echoes from crying and coughing into this bowl. The cold of this heartless steel chilled well through my gloves. It was all I could do to swallow this back down. Swallowing everything down. Taking it raw.

Exhausted. Spent. Drained.

I forced myself to the floor, slowly curling into my own body. Another false comfort of self-care.

I lay down here. I used the towel from my earlier shower as a terribly flat pillow. My earlier shower had also drained me, emotionally. The combination back-to-back left me with little energy left. My showers always left me emotional, exhausted. Because, every time, I would lower myself to the shower floor. I would sit there and spread my legs, open to the rush of water. I would touch myself and pretend that rush was Shepard herself, taking me over and over again. Her body, her perfections had turned formless over these months, over these years. Whenever I didn't dream of her, I visualized her as this water. This flow. This shapeless, amorphous idea of her. As shapeless and formless as she herself was in many ways.

Breaking out in a cold sweat from my lingering nausea, I raged alone.

Flighty, fickle. Unreliable! How many years had I spent, watching her chase after other people? After everyone except for me! That beautiful face, that curvaceous body; that pampered hairstyle, those feral facial markings; that fiery determination, that abnormal intelligence, that technical and mechanical savant, that brilliant entrepreneur; all of them, every single one of them lied to her! I lied and kept secrets from her in the past, and still she gave me no recourse to fix things! I had anchored my heart to someone who could so easily shatter me. Who already had just moments ago! Always flying off to serenade other women instead of me. Always going with her logic, where the facts led her in her principled bouts of anger and feelings of betrayal. Always skipping off to greener pastures, quickly moving on from whoever's legs she had just been between not even hours ago! Always justified, always so self-righteous, always willing to give everyone a chance! Attachment and abandonment issues always, always lulling her into a false sense of security with these women—enough for Shepard to proclaim her love for them, to go out and buy rings to propose to them with; all never, ever for me!

She never cared enough about me. She didn't give a damn about me. The one person who had been here and loved her through the fire and the rain and the joy and the agony as one. One continuous dream and nightmare, my obsessions growing in Insomnia with no other recourse, no way out. I had watched Shepard for months while I was dead, and only after those months did Shepard think to mourn my death. The reality had hit her later. Always with the delay. Always with other women as those timely distractions. I knew she would not think of me sexually without prompting. These recent, obvious changes in her libido were for other women. Not for me. For my best friend, and for my egotistical rival.

Never for me.

I hated this mess.

I hated this sickness.

I hated being in my bathroom.

I despised these reminders of my monthly times. Those times when I would always curse being on time. Every single month, with maybe a fluctuation of a day or two here and there. I would tend to this time, forever wishing I would be late instead. Delayed. Constant, invasive fantasies of melding with Shepard with that specific intention. Erotic in meaning, romantic in seeming, melding with her as that seeding. Not just once in our lifetime. Twice at least. Maybe three times, if she could handle us having that many together. Unprotected for those times, ripe for her flowering me in mind and in spirit for my body to reciprocate. Except now, my body remained in this sickened stasis. Shepard remained on this bleeding knife's edge, so close to tipping over with this other woman. She could've had that with her instead!

I needed Shepard more. More than anyone else did. More than anyone could ever conceive or imagine.

I needed her most. I craved her the most. The most panic, the most desperation.

I needed to be her one and only. No arrangements. No more unrequited pining, longing. One relationship. One set of eyes for one another. Two hearts finally beating as one. Our eternity together.

This requiem of me as her goddess had gone on long enough. I couldn't take this anymore. I couldn't…

I couldn't watch her marry someone else instead of me. I couldn't survive if she fathered someone else's child instead of mine, ours. I couldn't live anymore if she dedicated her life to someone else instead of me. I couldn't exist anymore if she left me behind for good. I couldn't go on if she told me to move on from her once and for all. I couldn't be anymore if Shepard never returned with me to our one paradise.

My only defiance:

Feebly, I reached up to my holo-closet on the wall above my head.

I changed out of my lab coat. I changed into my black N7 shirt. Just this shirt. Nothing on underneath. Typical for me while alone, while sleeping. Spending time in this room by myself. Ever since the retrofits, I had found my fetishes alone. Touching my thighs; imagining Shepard's hands over mine. Stimulating.

As much as I couldn't stop touching my bare legs, I couldn't let her go.

I could never let Shepard go.

I had let go of my scheming from before. All those calculating calculations that had gotten me killed in that hotel room on Earth. No, that was my mistake for going against my nature. I now had faith in my own system, of the long view. As any asari should have believed in. As any asari should have had faith in.

If Shepard didn't love me enough because I chose not to rush her, then she did not love me as I was.

Shepard needed to love me for my values. She needed to, just as I did for her.

Another shock to my system—

I realized this other danger. Time ticking. A time-ticking bomb. Shepard's girlfriend kept a grave secret from her, hoping to profit from it. Aria had returned to her worst instincts at the worst possible time. She had taken the dangerous, yet expedient option. She had conspired with Ashley, with the enemy. She had allowed our enemy to manipulate her. She had compromised herself. She had jeopardized the mission. Aria had exposed herself to blackmail or worse. If Ashley decided to take advantage further…

Checking a file in my omni-tool, I opened the invite I had received. The digital invite to Shiala's memorial service on Thessia in about a month's time, on Christmas Eve. This gathering put together by my colleagues at my alma mater, the University of Serrice. The news in asari space reported the vague details of Shiala 'mysteriously' dying in her sleep some weeks ago. Shepard hadn't heard about it from her preferred news waves. The onus had now shifted to me to reveal the truth to her. The whole truth.

Because if Shepard found out that I had kept this secret, too? Unintentional or not, she also would have made me the source of her ire. Her principled, unrelenting ire. From the moment Miranda had showed up at HQ, searching for the culprit, I knew this day may have arrived. Yet I had chosen to give Aria a chance to tell the truth. From the sounds of things, she had instead settled on silence. Radio silence.

Lying by omission was still lying.

Needing some encouragement, I returned to an old document on my omni-tool. A file I'd kept for years.

Right before my death, I had located this particular list among Shepard's files. I had read this list over in the hotel room before Ashley's fateful visit that night. Shepard's list of ideal qualities in a woman. This list she had created during her young adult years, over a decade ago now. I skipped over the sections that described other people, other desires. I fixated on these specific qualities:

Unrealistic, unattainable – but I want her anyway – the perfect woman

-I want her to be gorgeous, too. In a different way, though. I don't know how. Just…different.

-Someone who is everything at once. The whole universe in a single woman.

-Soothing, calming, gentle, with a quiet strength. No obnoxious ego, no pointless pride. I want to be able to chill with her. No drama.

-I crave a woman who's incredibly intelligent. Someone who can keep up with me on a mental level. Surpass me. Teach me something new every day. Challenge me to think more. Get in my head and control me, my psychology. Really pull out who I am as a person. Push me out of my comfort zone in creative ways, all the time. Keep me guessing. Don't let me figure her out or know what to expect.

-I want her to be obsessed with me 24/7. It sounds weird. I get a rush out of it. I don't know why.

-She should know exactly what she wants from me. She should expect me to give it to her at all times. She shouldn't settle for anything less. That type of needy, clingy confidence is really hot to me.

-Someone who won't hold back with me. Not for anything. Kind of goes with the obsession, too. It's about not having to deal with guesswork. I hate when people are fake with me. I will respect her more for being honest about who she is. I want her to be brave enough to show me her dark side.

-Someone who would do anything to have me. I need her to be ruthless about it. The more ruthless she is, the better. Contradicts how I feel about justice, playing by the rules… I guess in this case, the timing would have to be right. Fight for me, make me fall in love, and then she can do her worst. It's a fantasy.

-Even if we break up, I still want to be in love with her. I still want her to be in love with me. I don't want us to let each other go. I don't think we could ever really break up, either. Maybe that would turn into an unending, toxic relationship. I'm not sure. I would need the security with her more than anything.

-The most important thing: I want her to take care of me. I want her to be older than me, too. I want her to be mature enough, and caring enough to heal me. I know that I'm more or less falling apart. I get that I'm barely holding myself together on my own. I hate having to admit that. But I need these qualities in a woman.

-Going back to what's important, if I trust her like this, then I need to know that she'll always be there for me. I need her to be vulnerable in that way—open, kind-hearted, tender, and so sweet, not minding how mean I am at all. If she is, then I can take the next step and reciprocate. I'm too proud to take that step first. Too paranoid. Too scared that I'll do it, and then she'll abandon me. So I want her to be selfless enough to do it first. I want her to be fearless in this way. I want her to have the courage to love me completely, no matter what. Then we could have our eternal peace together.

Flowing down my face, these tears of nostalgia pained me.

My commander, my captain.

Deeply, my sun.

I remembered before, when Shepard and I were together, the team had noticed a certain detail about us. An undeniable spark of attraction whenever the two of us were in the same room. I had since taken to viewing Shepard fondly as my little spark. Like how my own mother would call me her little wing. To me, Shepard felt as my brave little spark. So brave to have achieved all that she had, with still yet more on the horizon. Burning brightly as a star—the strongest star in this galaxy and well beyond, into infinity.

I was honored to serve her. Yet I couldn't ignore or deny my feelings. I had promised her this wouldn't get in the way of our professional relationship. Except I couldn't go on like this anymore. I wanted to be loyal to her. I wanted to stay true to her. I needed to hold her in my arms and never let go. I needed to nurture her as she needed. But I very much feared Shepard reacting badly to my uncontrolled displays of emotions. And so I had chosen to keep my pride whenever possible.

Yet keeping my pride wouldn't gift me with the miracle I wished for.

Holding on to my pride wouldn't get me any closer to holding her to my breasts, locking us together.

What if I was too late?

What if I had waited too long?

What if Shepard could never fall back in love with me?

What if I told her the truth, and she could never love again as a result? Including with me?

Then, a partial miracle arrived.

The sounds of knocking on my office door.

I recognized that cadence. That terse rhythm. That strength of hers.

Deep breath. Composure. I forced myself to my feet. Not too fast to avoid getting dizzy or blacking out. I hurried to brush my teeth. Getting this vile taste out of my mouth, I hoped for a better taste of tomorrow.

---

Heading to the door now, I knew what I had to do. This couldn't be about Shepard and me. This had to be about loyalty. Speaking the truth, no matter the consequences, for our principled commander who valued honesty and loyalty above all else. This could have ruined her relationship. This could have left her terribly vulnerable to the Reapers for our mission just a few hours from now. Yet I had no choice…

I had to remember my faith.

I had to believe everything would work out after this.

I had to trust that the love of my life wouldn't end up indoctrinated because of me.

When I opened the door, I found Shepard standing there before me. Stern and severe, she wore the fine blues and golds of her Alliance uniform. Honoring the fallen; honoring her own honor. So well-groomed and put-together. This look in Shepard's eyes as she looked at me: intensely intense and attractive. Even in my anger toward her, I spotted this unforgettable palette of her radiance. These familiar, honeyed sunrays of her eyes, raying me in a quiet heat and confusion. Those mixed browns and golds of all shades, drawn as this downward slant of her scowl, her persistent perplexity. That brightness toned down the length of her face, her skin the same tones as her sight, toning me to her preferences.

I watched Shepard swallowing down her lustful reactions. Seeing me in only this shirt again. That swallowing tensed her temples. The roots of her hair, her edges shimmering in this perpetual blue of the Normandy, and from the lights in my office, from my computer screens. She belonged in here with me.

I could have fallen to the floor at her feet, and kissed the ground she stood upon.

But I couldn't throw myself at her. Not now. I needed to have more pride at a time like this.

I needed her to take my concerns seriously—this once in a blue moon, crepuscular as my private space.

"Shepard," I finally spoke, terse. "Can I help you?"

Pained and baffled, Shepard could not respond right away. She didn't know how to gauge me anymore.

Throwing her off-balance certainly worked wonders for my ego. As I needed right now.

"I don't know, Liara," she challenged anyway. "You tell me."

She knew I wouldn't respond to that.

Still a gentleman, Shepard stepped inside my room—if only to prevent anyone outside from seeing me in what little I had on. The door closed, locked behind her. Her radiance absorbed my room's aura.

She herself absorbed far more as she took a look around. These persistent glares of blues and soft reds from my many computer monitors along the wall: they wrapped a halo of brightness between us, around us together. Almost as if willing us to return to one another. If this could have been enough, then I would've brought Shepard into my office months ago. For now, I had to settle for her observations. The hardware in my room hummed at a low frequency, too, keeping this silence from chilling us over. Especially once Shepard glanced at my bedroom area on the far side of the room. I'd left the door to my bathroom open. Could she have possibly imagined what I'd suffered in there? Maybe.

Something else caught Shepard's attention. Just as it had when she'd entered my old room for the first time—she ambled over to my computer. My main monitor. My work there. I had begun putting together a not-so-brief paper on Shiala's findings while at the University of Serrice. I planned on publishing my work in time for Shiala's memorial service on Thessia. Mostly as a way to celebrate her life and achievements. Notably, Shiala had spent her time researching the links between our current perceptions and that of a higher consciousness out there. How everything in the universe was indeed connected as our people believed. Shiala had found the evidence linking our philosophical beliefs as asari: the rippling effects of change, and how a single event could trigger a staggering amount of consequences, far beyond our intentions or understanding. Whosoever affected the most change would go on to achieve a special form of immortality.

This mass effect was the source of all meaning in our lives.

Focusing on Shepard's eyes, I saw those specific words reflected there over her irises. Mass Effect.

Thankfully, she didn't see my mentions of Shiala's passing. Not on this page of the document I had open.

I still didn't want to have this talk with her. But I now understood it would have been inevitable. I would have had to explain why I wished to return to Thessia for Christmas Eve. I could've used the excuse of celebrating Janiris at the New Year—the fertility ritual we asari celebrated by making and exchanging flower wreaths with friends and loved ones. Yet that wouldn't have been enough. Shepard would have wanted to know the rest. Maybe she would have even offered to join me at Shiala's service. Thinking on it now, I suddenly wanted, needed her with me for the occasion. I had planned on asking Tali instead.

Pulling me out of my thoughts, Shepard clearly stated: "Liara, I don't know what's going on with you. But I'm worried. Whatever it is, I wish you'd tell me. I want to protect you. I need to. No matter what."

"I don't believe that, Commander. Honestly, at a time like this, your words only sound like platitudes."

"At a time like this?" she repeated in anger. "What's that supposed to mean? What are you talking about?! Did I do something to you? Is that it? If you're pissed off at me, then just say why! Fucking tell me instead of blowing up the way you did, pushing me away! Don't you think I want to work this out?"

Taking that as a challenge of my own, I moved closer to her.

I began undoing her uniform jacket. Shepard recoiled a bit, but otherwise allowed me to continue. This top of her collar and her decorative chain. The recent starch from her manual ironing. That honor of hers that she had locked into her choice of clothes. I moved them each aside as I made this opening. Underneath, Shepard had on a simple white T-shirt. Beneath that, the boyish cut of her white tank top. Under that final layer, just over the slender length of her neck, I found the chain of her dog tags.

As soon as this chiming unraveled between her chest and mine, Shepard went dead silent.

Her veins had iced over. Her skin blued a bit. Not nearly as much as mine. Or my deadened eyes.

Hanging from this chained thread, those three rings. The two wedding bands. And a violet diamond ring.

Violet. Violet. Violet for Aria!

"Liara, wait," stalled Shepard. "Listen, I thought… You and Tali—I thought you didn't need me like this anymore. I thought the two of you—"

I raged, "Shepard, that isn't true! You know good and well we only did those things to get your attention! It was never about love! It was never about a relationship with her! We only chose to fool around to keep us on your mind! Why else would we have been so obvious about it?! You know why!"

For all of her intelligence and capabilities, Shepard could only afford me a blank stare.

She never planned on telling me. She never planned on warning me, asking me for my blessing. Nothing!

I had caught her red-handed, and she couldn't even come up with a better response! A better reaction!

A full-blown, nuclear reaction; a nuclear meltdown; nuclear warfare—

I removed those forsaken rings from Shepard's dog tags. I took them in my hand. All three of them. I crushed them in my grip, skin merely undulating over this metal, this jewel. As natural as breathing, as letting out a scream from my very veins—I disintegrated these fucking rings with my biotics. I destroyed them. I reveled in this blued mist wafting from my hands after the fact. The smolder of my atomic bomb.

Shepard couldn't even muster a reaction. Still.

No anger. No confusion. No retaliation. As if my heartbreak had at last superseded all else for her.

"How could you, Shepard?! How could you? Why would you go out and buy an engagement ring for her—without bothering to warn me first?! Or did you think I wouldn't care? That I would be perfectly fine with all this? I had to find out while you held me in your arms?! This is unforgivable!" Wincing in guilt, Shepard lowered her head. Not because I had assumed right, but because she hadn't prepared for my wrath. She had not anticipated my reactions at all. "When did you plan on proposing to her?"

"…I didn't have a definite plan for that."

"That doesn't make any sense," I fought back. "Why would you buy the rings if you didn't know?"

Shepard had to stop herself from crying. "Because I didn't buy the rings myself. I swear to you, I didn't."

I softened a bit over her genuine honesty. "Then how did you get the rings if you didn't buy them?"

"Miranda sent them to me. Anonymously. On the day of the suicide mission. But I know they were from her. She gave them to me. I only kept them on me…as good luck charms. They saved me a few times."

"Miranda…? Why would she do such a thing? She knew you weren't going to ask her to marry you."

"I don't know, Liara," breathed Shepard, belabored over not knowing the answers. "I know I should've just asked Miranda myself. I regret not doing it when I had the chance. She's so calculating. I can't imagine why she would do something like this. It's almost like she wanted you to find the rings and—"

The sudden shock of our revelations.

Of course Miranda wanted this outcome. This incredibly specific outcome.

Of course she had planned for this. And for everything that was bound to happen after this moment.

Shepard pressed her clenched fist to her mouth, stifling her frustrations. She paced around. She paced and paced in this open space of my office. I could hear and feel the wheels spinning in her mind. I could sense and imagine the valves pumping in her heart. Anxious in anticipation, I watched her. I waited for her. I watched and waited for her reactions. I wondered what she would do. How she would decide to handle this fallout. Was I supposed to apologize for destroying those rings? Were we supposed to go back to the way things were, the status quo, as if nothing had ever happened? What did she want now?

I knew what I wanted.

I knew exactly what I wanted.

I wanted Shepard to finally put me first.

I wanted her to place my concerns above anyone else's. Even her partner's. Maybe even her own.

I needed her to prove to me that I had made the right choices. That I didn't love her in vain. That I hadn't chosen the wrong person to anchor my soul to. That I had dedicated myself to a true exemplar. A paragon of excellence—even in her mistakes, in her indecisions, her imperfections. Not an exemplar for others. Shepard held the highest honors in the eyes of the galaxy. I really only meant this for myself. For selfish reasons. I wanted her to protect me in the ways she would always claim. I wanted her to be my knight. I wanted her to heal me. I needed her benediction to cleanse my sickness of heart without her.

The same benediction I felt during our last mission. Whenever she inspired me. Whenever she pushed me to push my limits, breaking boundaries. Whenever she helped me make the impossible possible.

Soon my health returned to eukrasia, as Shepard faced me once more.

This desperation in her stare. Heated, apologetic. Startled in the best way possible, I took a few steps back. Back toward the nearest wall. Back by the window closest to my office door. I stepped over the chill of this hard steel floor, my bare steps freezing up to my equally bare legs. Only this shirt hugging down to my waist, my thighs, and Shepard's nearness served to warm me. Nearing and nearing, she stepped toward me, seemingly more in control with actual shoes on. Not really in control. She had set aside the status quo for this. She had thrown away her control, her composure to plead with me:

"I'm sorry, Liara. I'm really sorry. I didn't consider your feelings in the middle of all this. I was too focused on keeping you from finding the rings in the first place. Now that you have, and we're at this point, I want to make things right. Tell me how to make this right. Whatever you need. Please…"

Breathing harder, I simply stared up at her for a while. I waited. I waited for Shepard to take her words back. I waited for her to apologize again; to say she shouldn't have said those things. I waited, and I gave her a chance to recant. I gave her one last chance to walk away. But she chose not to. Shepard merely chose to wait for me in return. She waited and watched as I pressed my back against this wall, and against the window just higher up. Shepard didn't expect anything from me. Nothing specific.

How innocent she appeared before me, towering over me as a gentle giant.

Oblivious. Naïve. Yet so very sincere. She had no idea what stormed through my mind.

That she did not expect anything from me—not even my forgiveness—emboldened me to do this.

Fearless: I reached up to Shepard's shoulder, easing her down to me. I glossed my nails through her long hair and over her scalp, soothing her softly. Shepard allowed me to draw her in. She let me pull her closer to me. She accepted me as I breathed her in, finally tasting her lips as real again. Authentic. Hers.

Shepard widened her eyes in shock.

Only briefly did I worry she would pull away from me. Scolding me. Reminding me this could never be.

She muffled her moans over me; I wouldn't let her go. I couldn't possibly let her walk way. Never again.

Easygoing under her light, I gazed at her through lidded eyes. I stared into hers, still going. Not stopping. Still clasping my lips over hers as she did mine, mirroring one another in emotion. Still simmering in this nostalgia of her habits and her hygiene—the crisp cinnamon of her toothpaste, lingering. The pampered softness of her lips, wide and succulent enough to overlap mine, so comforting. Shepard found this fearlessness in my eyes and she couldn't look away. Even as I continued stealing her breath away. Even once I closed my eyes again, basking in her touch and presence and weakness and apprehensions all.

Acceptance slowly settling in, Shepard moved into me more. Taking her time. Taking this time to remember me again, to get to know me again. Everything she had suppressed and repressed for so long. That erotic heat she had described to me over the summer, I felt through Shepard now. Balanced and mixed with sentimentality, her truest feelings for me shuddering through. She gave this hidden devotion to me through her touch, her hold around my waist. She made me feel so safe…despite these dangers.

Only the black lake beyond passed by my window as the Normandy traveled to Palaven. Our budding affair remained completely open to the stars outside, watching us, as they always had. Instead, something else pulled me out of the moment. This freeze of the wall and the window against me. My shirt and Shepard herself weren't nearly enough to insulate me. I whimpered without meaning to, reacting to this chill. And again, softer, once Shepard brought me closer, already sensing the problem.

The depths of her voice hummed in my mouth—"Come here, baby. I got you. Let me take care of you."

She picked me up in her gentle attentions. She carried me with such care away from the cold. I hiked my legs around her waist, and held her around her neck, swept away in this dreamlike state. As if the floor moved underneath me all on its own. More so once Shepard brought me to bed on the other side. She bent down as she needed, setting the comforter aside. She opened my bed to the warmth of my sheets, inviting us both. Shepard lay me down over this plush comfort. I settled my legs beneath the blanket and the sheets, warming back up. Without needing me to ask, Shepard had already taken off her shoes, her uniform jacket. She set them aside for this. She set everything aside for me. Needing her closer than close, I pulled her back down to me. Down to my bed. Down and over me.

Shepard submerged herself into me again. Only her mouth, her lips, her tongue. Only this mist of her sweetened breath that I had spent so long dreaming about. Underwater above-water, Shepard pulled me further into this flow. This flow of her strength, her confidence, her gentle movements. The joy that burst forth from my heart wouldn't let me stay still. The joy as she forgot herself and forgot to think at long last. The joy as she slipped my shirt off from me, pressing herself against me fully. The ample release from feeling her on top of me; her chest over my breasts; her shirt over my bare skin; her hair that smelled of herbal essences, brushing down to flow in this graceful length next to my face. The emotional expression of my body moving underneath her, reacting to her, to everything she did to me.

I opened my eyes again.

Wanting, waiting.

Shepard stopped just long enough to observe me, calm and patient.

I wanted her. I wanted more with her. I wanted us to take that next step. No matter the consequences.

"What is it?" she worried. "You're hesitating about something."

Terrified as I was to find memories of others there within her mind, I did hesitate.

I hesitated so much that I began trembling beneath her.

Shepard held me tighter, warmer, firmer.

There in her eyes, I found the promise I needed. The promise to see this through, no matter what. Besides, even if she didn't give this to me, I still would have… I still would have wanted to do this. I still would have trusted her, as I did now. Eyes blackening to the universe, I held her stare for the longest time. Shepard refused to look away from me. She refused even to blink in the face of this discovery. No doubt she found my intentions here in my sight. She knew, and she wanted the same. She knew, and she allowed me to take this chance. Only a chance. A low probability at this time of the month for me. I had spent far too long fantasizing about this—in secret, even from myself in conscious desire. I would shove the thoughts away whenever they surfaced too high, pained by how impossible they all seemed. I hadn't done it earlier, when thinking about time. And I couldn't do it now. I couldn't let this pass me by.

Giving in, giving in, giving in.

Embracing eternity, I embraced the paradise I longed for with her. Melding with her, merging with her. Two as one and one as infinity. Romance and convalescence and true love everlasting, moving me to move her back to me. Insomnia's farthest reaches bloomed before my eyes, of the collective unconscious I had created in my devotion to her. Shepard finally, finally understood my creation through this lens with me, crossing over the seas and the sights and the stars of my love for her given shape, given form. In the physical, in the here and now, Shepard coveted me more with her understanding. She kissed me more, worshipped me more; she angled her lips down my body as this parallel, of what she could create with her own hands, her own emotion and soul for me. Only for me.

This possibility. This intention.

I melded with Shepard with this intention. I gave myself to her with this desire in mind. If we could never have this moment again, then I wanted to give her my all, and I did. I did and I did and I did, opening us to this beauty of creation. New life centered between us, flowing from this bloom I had kept in stasis for her, patiently and impatiently waiting for her. Waiting for her to finally do this. To sear me with her lips, suckling my breasts one at a time, in patience. She gave me this love of hers, latching on and lapping me, gently, gently. Imprinting upon me again after so long. Returning to me after far too long. Letting me take over this role in her life, filling this void and this need in her…perhaps in ways I never could before.

I wasn't ready back then. Neither was she.

We weren't ready for one another in the past.

Now we had met again in these perilous circumstances. Sinking deeper and deeper in our calm embrace. This loving tide from me had swept her in; this rising responsibility had arisen in her, boundless and overflowing, well past anything she'd had before this moment, before this secret hour with me. Needing her and needing her and needing her—Shepard had curled me into pure submissiveness beneath her, and I couldn't hold it back any longer. She touched me where I needed, she stroked me where I needed. She loved me so far between, with nothing between us except for her clothes, her uniform. Her uniform, her honor that I couldn't remember to shed, to remove, having fallen so deeply for her all over again.

She had transformed her honor unto me.

Shepard protected me from all else. She kept her chest over me, let me quiet my sounds against her. This cotton of her shirt heated with my breaths and voice silenced in safety. Silenced from anyone possibly overhearing, eavesdropping as our voyeurs had done years ago. The same that I had done to her in recent times, finally reversed and returned back to me. This release with her, this release she had given me, Shepard kept bundled in our privacy with one another. The love between fluttered in my stomach, replacing that sickness from earlier, healing. This flavor I remembered from long before, of the one position and energy my insides had shifted into, engraved into the shape of my feelings for her. And every word on her heart, she had engraved for me, too, whispering as I cascaded down from this high.

When I came to, I wanted to keep going.

Shepard had taken to resting over me, having settled her head over my chest.

This all felt so perfect to me. So natural. I couldn't even fathom that we had made a mistake.

I stroked her hair in a weakened relaxation. Weakened in ecstasy, but also worn down in other ways. Reality slowly began creeping back in. I had spent so long convincing myself that I would be fine. That I would survive my waiting. But my patience had since taken its toll on me. At last living in this magical moment, I feared the fallout. I feared Shepard would set everything aside. I feared she would only tell me to forget what we had done; that it was in fact a mistake we could not repeat. Or that we would repeat the mistake in private. She would warp me into the other woman with no recourse, no way out.

If that was truly all that could happen, then I…

"Liara?"

Shepard shifted her head enough to look up at me in worry.

I could not bottle up my fears and process them into mere words to explain.

I couldn't replicate my breaking in any tangible sense.

I couldn't cope without her. I couldn't live without her. Not after this. Not after everything we'd shared…

"You're not okay," she surmised. "I know you aren't. You don't have to pretend with me anymore."

I admitted to her, "No, I am not… I'm not okay. I really won't be if you decide to leave again."

Shepard gave no response, but not out of guilt. Not in contemplation. Not as a negative for us.

At the same time, I didn't want to linger on this. I didn't want to give her the chance to think about it.

"Shepard, there's something else you should know instead. Something's happened. I need to tell you."

Sitting up now, she asked in concern, "What is it? What happened?"

Not-so-hypothetical: "How would you feel if one of our team decided to conspire with the enemy?"

"The enemy? The Reapers?" Vague understanding flashed through her eyes. "Or do you mean…Ashley?"

"I mean Ashley."

Shepard willed herself to say, "If they had a good enough reason—and they explained it to me—then maybe… I don't know. It depends on what it is. It's taken me a long time to accept that Ashley isn't on our side anymore. She came to me in a dream after I had blacked out earlier, underwater. The whole thing pissed me off. So if someone worked with her knowing she's the enemy, then it's a problem. Then again, it's hard for me to say. What you and I did… I'm not sure I have the authority to judge anymore."

"Our indiscretions don't matter," I urged, desperate to keep her favor. "You are the one who controls the law on this ship. You are the one who decides what is and isn't allowed for the mission. The main reason I'm saying this is because I know you would not allow this to go to your head. I also know you and I couldn't help getting into trouble again. This is past what we got up to in the old days. Still, no one has to know what we did. I'm willing to keep this a secret if you are. I won't tell a soul. Not even Tali."

"All right, Liara. I won't tell anyone, either. If this got out, Aria might hurt you. I can't let that happen."

"Thank you, Shepard…"

Tentatively, she pressed on, as if she already knew—"Now what else happened? Who worked with Ashley behind our back? What did they do? Sounds like they're compromised. Open to blackmail."

Her inevitable reaction once I told her…

"Yes, I would say they are in fact quite compromised. Severely. Blackmail is a strong possibility."

What if she couldn't handle the actual truth?

What if she decided to forgive anyway and carry on with her?

"Then I need to patch this hole," stressed Shepard. "Who was it? You can tell me, Liara. It's okay."

Again, and again, and again—

What if I was too late?

Taking this deep breath, I remembered myself. I had promised earlier: this couldn't be about me. This had to be about the truth. The difficult truth of the matter. Shepard deserved to know. I had to tell her.

I told her everything. Everything I knew, everything I could glean. How her partner had had the choice between this dangerous, yet expedient option, or choosing patience instead. I explained Shiala's disappearance in Insomnia, and then the news of her complete death in this life. I speculated how it was Aria could have gained access to Shiala's school building in Insomnia, through Liselle. Now, Aria was compromised. She had access to the most vulnerable parts of Shepard's mind, her identity. Ashley could have taken advantage at any time. She could have ruined Shepard in any number of ways. All through our 'reserve captain' who should have placed her loyalties above expedience; who in the end could not help chasing after her bloodlust for power, no matter the cost.

She had already found the worst point on her own.

Repeating this long cycle that had begun with me:

Aria had no intentions whatsoever of telling Shepard the truth.

Hollow, Shepard stared off at nothing. Some distant part of her seemed to have known already. Enough to simply take me at my word with no additional evidence. Enough to have noticed Aria's silence and taken it as a negative. I couldn't tell whether this had broken her or not. If I didn't know any better, she appeared to have expected something like this to occur. Something of her beliefs in other people—how we always devolved into our worst habits—had protected her from any true spiraling. Even so, I worried for her. I worried for myself in almost having kept this from her. I worried for the both of us, how we would deal with these consequences, together and as individuals. I feared the worst for us so badly.

"Liara," said Shepard. "Thank you…for telling me this. I have a lot to think about. You've been under too much stress because of me. I don't want you to keep going on like this."

"I appreciate your concern, Shepard… But I have not had a choice in the matter. I am used to stress."

"Well, with everything going on now, do you think you should speak to someone?"

Surprised by her suggestion, I still told her, "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should. I would much rather not speak with Dr. Chakwas, however. She is too close to the situation. I would be too embarrassed to tell her enough relevant details. That would defeat the entire purpose of speaking with her at all."

"We'll figure something out," she promised me. "Sooner instead of later."

I didn't know how literally to take her words.

Instead, I showed her my invitation to the memorial service. "About Shiala. I hoped you could join me on Thessia for this. As my plus one. I can have my colleagues at the university send you an official invite."

"I'd like that, actually. I should pay my respects to her. Christmas Eve works just fine. Maybe we could all stay at your house in Armali for the holidays. I'm sure we'll need a break by then."

"Okay, let's do that. I am looking forward to the occasion. As much as I can, anyway."

Normal as normal could be, we heard Joker's grounded announcement over the intercom, "Hey folks. ETA to Palaven is twenty minutes. Admiral Hackett and the Fifth Fleet are already waiting for us by the turian homeworld. It's a huge mess out there with the Reapers. Better get ready for anything."

"Do you need to leave now, Shepard?" I asked. "To get ready. Or to see her before we arrive."

"I don't have to do that," she reassured. "We can take a few more minutes before gearing up together."

Normally, I would have smiled at her. Perhaps thanked her again.

Not entirely normal now, I could only stare at her for a while. Shepard had already begun thinking. Thinking and thinking and thinking. Something of this painful truth had indeed confirmed her biases about other people, her partner included. More than that, I knew her. Changing her mind all too often changed her heart. Shepard would always go wherever the facts led her. Even if they led her to romantic ruin, she would forever stand by her deepest, ingrained habits. To some extent, this made her predictable. However, at a time like this, I needed her predictability. I did not want Shepard to keep me guessing with any of this. I wanted to rely on her again. Or for the first time after these three years.

The exact same circumstances that had pushed her away from me had brought her back to my side.

For how long, I did not know.

Depending on how much damage I had done, maybe we didn't have long at all.

Palaven awaited. Mere minutes away. And I had just ruptured a significant tear in her mental defenses.

For some reason, that reminded me:

"Shepard, you mentioned having a dream about Ashley. While you were blacked out underwater. What exactly happened in your dream?"

Resting in my arms again, she remembered: "I think I went to some higher plane. There were black and white clouds in the sky. Shallow water on the surface like Thessia. Lotus flowers lighting and blooming everywhere. Maybe a higher consciousness? Ashley basically offered me a chance to give up. She said I was bound to get tired on this mission. Tired of people; tired of everything. Tired of the same old cycles repeating themselves. I turned her down in the end. I didn't only see Ashley there. Sol was nearby, too."

"Sol… Was she weakened in any way? Tired or exhausted, in the way Ashley tried to warn you about?"

"No, she was pretty strong. Resolute. Nothing could faze her. Do you have any idea what it means?"

Endlessly relieved, I shared with her, "This means you have transcended, Shepard. Much sooner than we expected you to. Do you recall the reconstruction efforts in Insomnia? Tali's unconscious self is creating a stronger tower for your mind. It looks as though Sol has already made it to the very top of the tower."

"Then how did she get up there so soon?"

"I'm not sure. But this could be our one salvation. Our hope for you to survive this mission and the rest."

"I don't understand, Liara. What's at the top of this tower? How did I transcend, like you said?"

How to sum up Shiala's research in only a few words…

"After this mission is over, if you defeat Harbinger, then you will become immortal. The Reapers have a certain immortality. They will live forever—until something or someone willfully brings about their end. You will inherit the same. You will never grow old; you will never die of natural causes. And we will earn those same privileges, as your teammates, as we live through you. The galaxy will always call upon us to solve the next apocalyptic threat, and the next, and the next. You have transcended, meaning your mind awaits this transition, giving you the strength and will to see nearly anything through. All on your own."

Shepard couldn't quite wrap her head around everything at once.

But she immediately grasped the implications. How she did not need anyone protecting her to proceed.

Shepard did not need us, but we needed her. I certainly needed her.

Untested and uncharted territory, she wished to believe in her power as an individual. Because if she could do that, then she did not need to hold herself back anymore. She could finally spread her wings away from these ties that bound us. She could always choose to go her own way…if she so decided.

I only wanted to pose this final scenario to her:

"I wonder, Shepard. Now that you know what she has done, can you see yourself staying with Aria forever?"

For once, I basked in the silence of her answer.

No response. Just as no news was good news.

---

Finally, after all this time, Shepard had chosen to protect me. Exactly in the way I needed. No more platitudes. No more empty words about wanting to do this, to keep me safe from anything. Shepard had at last decided to back up her wishes with action. After all, her partner could have reacted in any number of ways upon discovering what we had done together. Yet I trusted Shepard to handle things the right way. This love from her felt palpable, tangible. Even though Shepard herself had withdrawn into her thoughts. Even as she had stayed on my bed as I geared up, I stayed in-tune with her emotions.

Dressing warmly for the snow, I layered up beneath my lab coat. Palaven's harsh sun wouldn't get in our way. I made sure to at least bring my breather along. We could never be too careful out in the field.

Shepard set aside her stealth suit in favor of her N7 armor. As she lacked my form of powerful kinetic barriers, I preferred her to wear something more durable for this mission. I watched her secure her armor, thinking of the mission. Thinking of the snow out there that awaited us. These reminders of Noveria didn't sit well with me. That was where I had made the mistake of letting Shepard go, whether I had realized it or not at the time. I wondered if we could ever return there someday…perhaps to heal from the past. These reminders also made it clear that I did need some additional help. I needed to speak with a mental health professional. Even only for an hour or two.

I had been holding so much inside.

So many words, feelings, wishes, and pains. Things that I had never shared with Tali for that matter.

Shepard had promised to help me with this. But she could not stop time itself. She could not stop our mission from proceeding. She could not stop everything and get me the help I desperately needed.

I imagined going to the Citadel after this. Maybe finding someone to speak with there.

For now, Shepard and I headed down to the cargo hold together. She had asked me to gather a few members of our team there. Most of the team would stay behind to help finish the work on the Normandy—the work we had all scheduled to complete by this evening. If not for the Reapers arriving on Earth earlier that day, we would have gotten everything done on time. Extraordinary circumstances.

Aria, Kaidan, and Garrus awaited us down in the cargo hold. They each stood in the armory together, selecting their weapons for the fight ahead. Tali also waited nearby, but not to join us on the mission. Shepard simply wished to relay her orders to our chief engineer before we set off. Lieutenant Cortez had already suited up in his own armor, preparing the shuttle for takeoff momentarily. Rather nervous all of a sudden, I followed Shepard to the armory, glad to have Tali by my side for this.

"Liara," she said, watching me pick out my guns. "I wish I could go with you. Duty calls elsewhere."

"It's all right, Tali. Shepard needs you here. If only we managed to complete everything ahead of schedule. You'll just have to join us next time."

"Count on it. Here's hoping you all make it back in one piece." She and I both observed Shepard's selections. The commander had settled on her Black Widow this time. Our gift to her. "Liara, wait… Is it just me, or does something seem strange? Or not strange. I don't know. There's a feeling in the air."

"I am not sure what you mean," I lied, catching Aria's distractedness out of the corner of my eye.

Tali's girlish mischief: "Hmm, is that so?"

"Yes, it is so," I stressed, signaling enough to her. "Palaven is burning right now. We'll discuss this later."

Plummeting back down to reality, Tali respected my wishes.

Shepard gestured for Kaidan, Aria, and Garrus to go ahead and board the shuttle. They did so in silence, thankfully not having noticed Tali's exchange with me. I still didn't plan on telling her the full story. I never could, no matter what. But I at least appreciated that she cared enough to spot this change.

Approaching us now, Shepard addressed Tali: "With the people I'm taking, this leaves you as the ranking officer. You're in charge while we're gone. If there's an emergency, try and contact me if you can."

"Understood, Captain," said Tali, saluting Shepard with her left hand. "I won't let you down. We'll have the Normandy fully operational once you're back. Please be careful out there. I'll be thinking of you."

Shepard returned Tali's salute, also with her left hand.

She and I then boarded the shuttle together. Tali watched from the cargo hold as Cortez took off, plunging us into the sheer chaos surrounding the turian homeworld.

Scores of turian fleets engaged with the Reaper forces near Palaven's orbit. Those ships dotted the expanse between stars, polluting this once-peaceful space with all-out war. Our shuttle crossed past dreadnought fire from the turians, and devastating beams from the Reaper ships. Some of that gunfire took out other aircraft just near to us, with Lieutenant Cortez maneuvering us out of harm's way. No longer safe aboard the Normandy, our lives depended on his skillful reactions. The Alliance had arrived alongside the Fifth Fleet, assisting their allied forces. Once mortal enemies during the First Contact War, the humans and turians now fought side-by-side, locked in this shared struggle as a single, united force.

Palaven itself burned on as I had warned Tali. The great silver metropolises across the planet had turned into large piles of lava and flames. I couldn't imagine how many lives the turians had already lost.

I stared out at those sights displayed on a monitor screen. These screens from inside the shuttle, relaying countless conflicts as a cacophony of information. Sitting here in my seat, I took careful note of this silence among the team. Kaidan also stared at the monitor nearest to his seat, unable to tear his eyes from all the fighting out there. Garrus stayed in a perpetual sense of determined mourning, this conflict ever inspiring him to push his hardest once we landed. I felt awful for him. I knew that my own homeworld remained completely untouched, and would probably remain that way for quite some time.

Aria's silence felt more like consternation. Dread and dismay. Distractedness, as I had sensed from her just moments ago. I had managed to read her lips before about Omega, having lost control of her station. But her distractions seemed far too pronounced to only concern Omega. If I had to take a guess: Aria knew she needed to tell the truth. Yet she had chosen not to. I could even see how she tried to diminish herself. Not drawing too much attention. She could not avoid the consequences of her actions.

Looking to Shepard standing in the center of our shuttle, I wondered about our own consequences.

Standing steady and strong in her N7 armor, the notion of consequences seemed so far-removed from her. Perhaps from myself as well. From the both of us. Even while getting shipped off to war, Shepard's energies still felt linked to mine. Intimately so. The time we had spent in my room earlier continued to glue us together. I would've given anything for us to return to that time. But I also saw the precariousness of our situation. If we simply fell back into something—an arrangement, a relationship—I feared we would only repeat our past mistakes. Or if someone else came along, I worried that Shepard would immediately go to her once the two of us had our share of problems. Trust issues on my end.

I shouldn't have been thinking about this right now. I should not have allowed this problem to consume me. Not while our shuttle arrived to Palaven, pushing through to Cipritine's downtown area. My lingering obsessions no doubt spoke to my own problems. I needed to speak with someone about this.

Sudden turbulence from outside thrust our shuttle into a rattling struggle. Shepard grunted to keep her footing, gripping harder onto the overhead railing. I stood up automatically, holding on to her arm to steady her. She placed her armored hand over mine in a wordless thanks, before asking our shuttle pilot:

"What's with all the chop, Cortez?"

"Apologies, Commander!" said Cortez, struggling against the winds. "The snowy tundra outside's causing issues. We had the forecasts ahead of time. Still didn't expect the weather to be this bad. It's a hazard."

Garrus commented, "It almost never snows like this on Palaven. We turians hate the cold because we rarely have to deal with it. And if we do, it doesn't last for long."

Kaidan asked, "You mean you never get the usual winter storms around here?"

"Not like on Earth. I've never seen this much ice and snow before. We've already lost about a million people so far. Must be worse with the cold cutting off power and access to resources in some areas."

Taking a look at the monitor, Kaidan noticed, "Think that's the Kingsglaive. The hotel we stayed at during our last visit to Palaven. Every other building in the distance is burning in the snow. But there's that mighty hotel, standing strong against it all. Looks surreal…"

The Kingsglaive. The hotel where I had reappeared once Shepard and Miranda brought me back from Insomnia. In a way, it felt like I had been reborn again, today, with the way things had changed between Shepard and me. So much and so drastically.

"Commander," called Cortez. "Got Admiral Mikhailovich from the Fifth Fleet on the line for you."

Shepard walked over to the vid screen nearest to the lieutenant, bringing me along with her.

The admiral's grizzled features appeared there on the screen. Donning a similar cap and uniform to Admiral Hackett, Mikhailovich saluted Shepard in a mix of respect and resentment, setting the tone.

Formal, distant, he introduced himself: "Admiral Mikhailovich, SSV Gettysburg. Fifth Fleet."

Shepard returned his salute. "Commander Shepard, SSV Normandy."

Mikhailovich scoffed in a wry humor. "You're not too familiar with me, are you, Commander? In another universe, you would know exactly who I am." He narrowed his eyes at me. "That asari behind you must be your executive officer. Dr. T'Soni. I've heard of her. As I recall, you forcefully evicted Navigator Pressly from the SR-1 because of her—not to mention your other alien teammates. Was it worth it in the end?"

"Keep bringing up details irrelevant to the mission, and I'll have no problems forcefully evicting you from this call."

"Hmph. I'm not surprised. Your reputation precedes you, Shepard. Believe it or not, I lobbied Admiral Hackett for you to join us. I command the 63rd Scout Flotilla with the Fifth Fleet. The 63rd is responsible for reconnaissance and infiltration, which is why I want you to join our ranks. The Normandy's primary objective is to infiltrate the Reapers' devil ships. Naturally, our goals align. No matter how I feel about you or your ship, the fact of the matter is, you're the best infiltrator in the galaxy. We need you with us."

"I still need to think about the offer," admitted Shepard. "Tell me more about yourself, Admiral. I'm aware that the Normandy came close to joining your flotilla three years ago. But that's all I know."

Admiral Mikhailovich responded in sourness, "Yes, before the Council got their hands on you once you became a Spectre. My flotilla and I were nearly wiped out during the Battle at the Citadel. However, your heroism in disabling Sovereign managed to save our ships in the nick of time. I patched our ships back together, and then received a promotion from Rear Admiral to Admiral in the time since."

"Speaking of ships, I hear you don't exactly approve of mine. Why should I join you in that case?"

"I'll admit it—I often disparaged your frigate as an overdesigned piece of tin. However, that piece of tin co-developed with the turians may end up winning this war for us. I'm willing to hold my tongue on the matter from now on. As you've already reminded me, you aren't one to mess with, either. I have no desire to ruffle feathers any further. Certainly not in the middle of a warzone."

A wise decision from the admiral.

Shepard wished to know, "If the Normandy does join you, would she be under your chain of command? Or would we stay as an independent vessel with the Alliance?"

"The Normandy is free to break off whenever you please, Commander. But when flying in formation with the Fleet, you would be with me. I wouldn't have any say over what goes on with your ship. I wouldn't have power to inspect your bird, for example. Everything would remain functionally the same."

"Good to know. I'll keep that in mind. Now, about Palaven. What's our plan? How do we reach Lucifer?"

Mikhailovich briefed us, "This is a job best completed on the ground. The Reaper forces are struggling with visibility thanks to the weather hazard out there. The turians aren't faring much better in the cold, but they know the terrain, and a slim advantage is better than none. You're to locate one specific turian by the name of General Adrien Victus. Victus has a stronghold in the heart of downtown Cipritine, defending the Prothean artifacts housed in a natural history museum. He's coordinating with another turian general stationed on Palaven's moon, Menae, to figure out the best approach to our target."

"Victus?" I echoed. "That name sounds familiar to me. I have heard of his victories in Council Space."

Garrus added, "I'm also familiar with the general. Lifelong military. Gets results, popular with his troops. Not so popular with military command—has a reputation for playing loose with accepted strategy."

Shepard asked, "What do you mean?"

I relayed, "On Taetrus, during the uprising, his squad discovered a salarian spy ring about the same time the turian separatists did. Rather than neutralize the ring, he fell back. He even gave up valuable fortifications, which the rebels took."

"Then the rebels attacked the salarians," continued Garrus. "And when both groups had worn each other down, Victus moved back in. Didn't lose a man."

Kaidan noted, "Bold strategy. Can't wait to see how General Victus throws us at Lucifer out there."

Admiral Mikhailovich carried on, "We have a visual on Lucifer now." He pulled up a few live feeds of the massive devil ship. Standing taller than every building in the desecrated city, Lucifer loomed near the Kingsglaive, firing down on the turian ground vehicles. Those tanks and rovers couldn't possibly breach its defenses. "Every Reaper in Cipritine's radius is energized by their commander's presence. Its influence has rippled out to the entire system. Commander Shepard, we need your team to find General Victus. Carry out his plans, whatever they may be. That will lead you to the devil ship. Then get in, disable Lucifer, and escape ASAP. The Alliance and the turian military will handle the rest from there."

"Understood," said Shepard. "Send us the coordinates for his location. We'll land as close as we can."

"Sending the coordinates now. The natural history museum isn't far from the largest military hospital in the city. Or it used to be the largest. That building was one of the first to fall when the Reapers arrived. The hospital's staff has set up a makeshift tent city in the area, just a few blocks away. You can't miss it."

---

After ending our call with the admiral, Cortez found a suitable landing zone in the city.

Kaidan opened the hatch, exiting first to the frigid freeze of Cipritine's downtown hub. Blasted craters and pockets of flames had eaten into the commerce that once thrived here. Sheets of snow gathered atop the cracked skyscrapers of silver, trickling down to the white below. White stained by the cerulean blue of the turians' blood, drying into dense layers atop the snow. Down the street from us huddled a contingent of allied soldiers, taking cover behind several fallen skycars and trucks. They pushed back against an enemy line of Reaper ground forces: dozens of husks and cannibals emerging from the hollowed-out shopping center across the way. And those marauders, Reaperized and converted, just as the Protheans had suffered as Collectors—their quick-firing weapons threatened to destroy the allied forces out here. Yet the turians and humans together persevered, invigorated by mentions of Shepard's presence on Palaven. They willed themselves to push onward with the promise of Lucifer's defeat.

Heading toward the general's coordinates, Shepard led us down these few blocks to the natural history museum. Or at least she appeared to at first. We skirted around the fighting in the area, just in-view of the long boulevard: dozens of different museums, indoor parks, and other tourist attractions rose along the icy horizon. From here we had a view of the makeshift tent city Admiral Mikhailovich had mentioned before. Several medical tents propped up along another boulevard adjacent to the many museums. Just nearby, that hospital building had halved in destruction, smoking flames billowing in the winds. Ambulances and other vehicles rushed to the tents, their medics carrying fallen soldiers on stretchers.

Somewhere out there, I could've sworn I heard music. Perhaps from a radio in an abandoned building.

Distorted, I heard the old time static of this song. Die for the Cause. The turian imperial anthem.

I recalled Garrus listening to this anthem on occasion while working in the main battery.

The intimidating, patriotic tune played on as a symbol of hope for the turians, fighting back against the Reapers.

Stopping at my side, Shepard ordered, "Garrus, bring Aria and Kaidan with you to General Victus. I have to take Liara someplace else for a while. This is a private situation. It can't wait."

"Oh, sure thing," said Garrus, admittedly confused. "Any idea how long you'll be gone for?"

"A while," she repeated. "Go ahead and do whatever the general needs. We'll meet up with you later."

"Aye, aye, Commander. Good luck with your situation."

Following orders, the three of them left together, with Garrus leading the way ahead.

Going the opposite way, Shepard brought me in this other direction. Toward that makeshift tent city. We passed by other soldiers in the field. Wounded, dying. Trying to make their way toward what had become of the hospital. Closer now, we spotted several paramedics and soldiers evacuating injured patients from the remains of the hospital. Shepard paid them little heed. She and I walked a fair distance away from that misery, grounded in these changes between us.

Still, I had to ask her—

"Commander, are you certain about this? I don't wish to be a burden. We have our mission…"

"Liara, if you'd had a serious physical injury right now, don't you think I would do the same thing?"

Well, when she put it that way…

Entering this small village of tents, Shepard bade me to go inside first. She settled her hand along the small of my back, supportive. With her support, my senses adjusted to these new surroundings. No lights shining anywhere, only able to see and look around from the daytime and the daytime alone. Several heaters used up the electricity instead—alongside the various medical equipment everywhere—at least keeping the freeze from overwhelming the patients and medical staff. Such a buzz of activity all around, with bleeding soldiers carried around, and dying soldiers shouting out in pain, and doctors and nurses hurrying from one tent to the next. Nevertheless, I felt a sense of solidarity from within these tents.

No one suffered alone.

No one suffered without knowing why.

They might not have understood the Reapers, or why they had shown up. Yet these soldiers wanted only to protect their people, their homeworld. Even while their best chance for victory had paused our mission—stopping time, stopping the world—in order to bring me to this place. Just like somewhere outside, they also played the turian imperial anthem inside these tents. That symbol of hope again.

Shepard asked me, "Are you comfortable speaking with someone here?"

"Yes, it should be fine," I replied. "I do not have the luxury of going through the usual process. Finding someone on my own who matches my needs. I am willing to take a chance on whoever is available."

"All right." Shepard found someone who seemed to be in charge. "I need to find a doctor. A specialist. Can you help us?"

The turian physician set aside his datapads, observing us. "Things are rather hectic at the moment. But yes, we should be able to help. Is there any particular type of specialist you're looking for?"

"A therapist, if you happen to have one around. Just to talk."

"Ah, I see. And would this be for you, or your partner?"

"My partner," said Shepard, keeping her hand over my back in support.

"Of course," he replied, addressing me. "We have a handful of licensed therapists. No need to worry about medical insurance. Our services are free to all. We do have the usual paperwork, but signing it is impossible right now. With the hospital building up in flames, all of our databases are down. Any doctor-patient confidentiality will have to fall under an unwritten agreement. I can assure you our staff are all willing to go above and beyond during these trying times. Are you still willing to speak with someone?"

"Yes, please," I answered. "I am not overly concerned about the factors beyond your control."

"Thank you for understanding." He stopped one of their social workers rushing by. "I know you're busy. Do you have time to help a new patient? She needs a session."

The social worker snapped, "Clearly I'm busy! I don't have time to babysit some little asari girl! There are dozens of pregnant mothers bleeding out in ward five! We need to get them more supplies!"

So much for going above and beyond.

Shepard snapped right back, "Watch your fucking mouth. We didn't come here for this!"

Recognizing her voice, the social worker nearly jumped in fright. "Spirits! Commander Shepard? I-I had no idea that was you! I apologize! Please forgive me! I'll provide any help I can for your partner!"

"Whatever. You already blew your chance. Is there a better professional around here somewhere?"

A different doctor—a tall, older turian woman in a lab coat—approached us this time. "Excuse me. I overheard you shouting. Could I be of assistance somehow?"

The first physician explained, "This is one of our finest clinicians who's also a licensed therapist. She wore quite a few hats for the hospital we just lost hours ago. I daresay she's best-suited to help you."

"You're too kind," said the clinician with a smile. Then she noticed what seemed to be the problem. I had withdrawn into myself during this chaotic exchange. Shepard remained fiercely protective of me. "Mmm, I understand. Why don't we head to another room? Someplace quieter. We can speak there."

Following the doctor's lead, Shepard and I stayed close together behind her. As close as we could with the madness of these medical disasters all around us. I felt my guilt creeping up. With all of these soldiers in mind-contorting pain—undergoing emergency surgery, having limbs cut off—I felt as if I didn't belong. Or that I didn't deserve to take up the valuable time of an equally valuable doctor here. Despite what Shepard had said before, I wasn't sure if my mental and emotional plights were the same as these physical ones around me. No doubt these soldiers also suffered immense internal pains in their hearts and minds. Their very spirits.

I was not foolish enough to believe that a single session would magically cure me. But hopefully, it would set me on a better path.

A far better path than constantly immolating myself day in and day out.

Farther away from those sounds of pain and suffering, the doctor brought us to two joined 'rooms' within this tent. Two identical, quiet areas, separated by a transparent, tarp-like material. The doctor herself gave me a simple look. The kindness in her eyes, the patience: "I see you." This feeling she gave off helped me feel comfortable with her. As if I didn't already, given how she'd handled things so far.

"Before we get started," she began with a smile, "Might I clarify something first? You are Dr. T'Soni, aren't you? Dr. Liara T'Soni. Seeing you with Commander Shepard here, it's a bit hard to deny."

"Yes, I am," I replied, shaking her hand. "Please, call me Liara. This is…a complicated situation."

"I can imagine. My name is Dr. Aerie. Despite the situation, I'm happy we had the chance to meet today, Liara."

Aerie?

Why did that name sound familiar to me?

I could've sworn I had encountered a woman named Aerie before… From somewhere within Tali's genetic memories. I couldn't remember any details at the moment. But I knew I wasn't mistaken.

The coincidence passed me by once Dr. Aerie asked, "Commander, would you like to wait in here? I'll take Liara with me right next door. Or did you intend to drop her off before returning to your mission?"

"I'm staying," stated Shepard, removing her helmet. "I'm not leaving until Liara's ready to head out."

Dr. Aerie gave a knowing smile now. "Understood, Commander. Please try and make yourself at home."

Passing through this wrinkled sheeting for a doorway, Dr. Aerie guided me to this quiet sitting room. Not until the doctor and I sat down did Shepard move to take her own seat, over on that side of the tent.

Even with this physical separation between us, I felt Shepard so clearly. I watched her settle into a state of timelessness. How she did not mind or care how many minutes or hours passed by anymore. Melding with her earlier in bed had re-harmonized me with her emotions, her state of being. Even if I could not physically see Shepard next door, I could at last pinpoint her location again—and without needing to stress, searching and searching as I had done when the Collectors had abducted her. Before, I could only find this accuracy at work in Insomnia, managing her emotions within the lab at HQ. Even then, my sight had been limited by Aria's meddling, sealing off most of my empathies. Still, I did my best to limit my sight, not getting too invasive. I remembered she didn't always enjoy my nosiness in the old days.

I could at least exhale again—partially—with this security:

The security of always knowing where Shepard was at any given time; and the melody of her emotions.

"So, then, Liara," prompted Dr. Aerie. "Could I ask what brought you here today? I get the feeling your visit is a long time in the making."

"Yes, I suppose you could say that," I allowed. "I am sure you've heard that I am a Prothean researcher. I am obsessive with my work. I am also very obsessive in my personal life. I do not know how to let things go. Even perhaps when I should. This has not always worked out in my favor. Maybe not until recently."

"Hmm, what changed recently?"

I fought not to glance at Shepard in the other room. "I am deeply in love with someone. She is the subject of my life's work. But the two of us are not together. We have not been involved for a few years. During these years, she has been with other people. I haven't been able to let her go. I would consider it sometimes. Briefly. Only to remain stuck on her, unequivocally. We recently managed to…reconnect."

Dr. Aerie surmised: "I'm assuming your involvement together before was strong. Incredibly powerful. Enough to keep you attached to her throughout these years. And enough to help you reconnect again."

"…very much so."

The doctor took such careful note of my reticence. "While she was with other people—did you get the sense that she still harbored feelings for you? Or had she moved on during this period of time?"

"Well, I should explain first. When we were involved before, I made a mistake. A childish, petty mistake. She didn't approve at all. Things eventually—snowballed—into bigger problems for us. We decided to call off our involvement with one another. A few months later, she entered into a new relationship. But I knew this person was not right for her. I knew that this person would betray her, hurting her beyond repair. So I waited for her to come back to me. This other person enjoyed pressing my buttons, bothering and provoking me. I tortured this other person in response. Mentally, emotionally. I nearly…"

Much to my surprise, Dr. Aerie remained patient with me: "If you'd rather not say, I won't force you. Is it safe to believe this other person posed a legitimate danger to her? To the one you love."

"That is correct, Doctor."

"Did you attempt to alert her to the danger? Or did you proceed with this torturing in secret?"

"This was the second mistake I made. Or perhaps the third. I had lost count by then. I didn't alert her. I didn't warn her. I assumed she would not believe me; that she wouldn't take my side on the matter. Yet I also knew their relationship would not last. I was convinced that the two of them would burn out—which they did, eventually… I had become arrogant in my steadfast beliefs. I spiraled into my obsessions as my only anchor, my only comfort at the time. I did not realize that my obsessions had warped me, twisted me into someone else. Someone I didn't recognize. Once their relationship ended, and even more time had passed, She—… She didn't know who I was anymore, either. That darkness about me only terrified her. We couldn't reconnect. It took months before we could even speak normally again."

"Yes, that makes sense," replied Dr. Aerie. "After these months passed, I am curious. Was it not possible for the two of you to return to one another? Or was she already in a different relationship?"

"She was already in another relationship. There was one other person after that danger. And then there is the person she is with now. Today. The two of us getting back together seemed impossible. I had betrayed her trust back then. I had lied to her by omission. I had changed too much. Watching her be with other people felt much like self-flagellation. Some kind of deserved punishment for my many sins."

"I can see why you felt the need to do that. She must have also still felt something for you. Somewhere."

"She did," I confirmed. "Somewhere past her anger and resentments. Somewhere beyond the connections she shared with her other girlfriends. I would sometimes wonder why she felt the need to jump from relationship to relationship. She would always move on very quickly from her exes. She fell out of love with each of them almost overnight. No regrets about leaving, either. Except with me."

The only truth: "You are the one she will always forgive, Liara. In due time. She will always love you."

"I began to see this for myself some time ago. It made me feel special in her eyes. Yet it did not help me believe we could return to one another. I would simply tell myself that we were no longer meant to be. Focusing overmuch on the here and now, it was all too easy to believe she and I were a lost cause. But there was also the long view. I felt myself…waiting for her. Every day, I would wait for her to be single again. Every day, I would wait for her girlfriend at the time to betray her. Every day, I would imagine the two of us together. I want so much more than a relationship with her. She knows exactly how I feel."

"And when the two of you reconnected recently, did she reciprocate your truest feelings?"

Breathing harder over the memory, I merely said, "She did that and more, Doctor. A lot more…"

Dr. Aerie allowed me to fall into this solemn silence.

Barely disturbing our quiet, the snowy storm outside blew on across the tent. This illusion of our normal room in a normal hospital: disturbed for only a moment. Faint sounds of gunfire and aircraft munitions rang out in the distance. The powerful call of a squad leader's rallying cry, rising atop the winds; the joined unison of affirmations from the squadron, charging headfirst into danger for their commander.

All as I sat here, wallowing in my own personal problems. Giving a voice to them. Letting them out.

Letting them go.

Shepard's presence persisted in the other room. Again, I did my best not to look at her. I didn't want to give myself away to the doctor. I sensed her instead. I sensed her unusual sense of calm, even in the midst of our circumstances. She felt me here in this place again. I felt her slight, startled reaction. Yet I did not feel any resistance from her. No desire to kick me out or push me away. Shepard instead breathed on in her emotions. She welcomed my attachments to her. She allowed me to feel this essence within her—the shape and the scent and the substance of her feelings for me. These specific, incense-like fumes misting her chest down to her core. The exact same she felt for me years ago. Only stronger.

When I regarded Dr. Aerie again, she met my stare with another sense of knowing.

"I have to ask now. Is this act of 'reconnecting' with your lover a euphemism for something else?"

I didn't know how to respond to that.

Dr. Aerie glanced at Shepard across the way. "I can understand your hesitations. No one would want to assume such a thing. That the commander would choose to be unfaithful. But it is the truth, isn't it?"

"…you are not fooled by any of this, are you?"

"I'm afraid not," she gently said. "Though I can continue playing along if you'd like."

I smiled without meaning to. "No, that's all right. I suppose I wasn't expecting it. How did you know?"

"There was something about Commander Shepard's energy back there. The energy she gives off around you. I've seen this many times before, Liara. Husbands deeply concerned about their spouse's well-being. Wives who express the same. Bondmates. For as long as I've been in this profession, it's instantly recognizable. You get the sense that they may hurt you if you don't provide their partner with the best care."

Terribly shocked, I promised, "Shepard is not a danger to you. We are not even together like that!"

"And yet you want to be. The feelings are mutual between the two of you. Although your circumstances won't allow for you to simply move forward."

"Well, yes… This recent situation began over human customs with marriage, engagement."

I paused.

I worried about sharing Shepard's personal details. Any more than I already had. She was such a private person. I had always known this about her. I had also promised her that I wouldn't tell a soul about our affair. Besides, Dr. Aerie had already figured that out by now. Would Shepard view this as an exception?

"A reminder, Liara," said the doctor. "You do have my confidentiality. My spoken promise, anyway. Even though you and the commander are in the public eye, I have done my best to stay impartial. I will continue to do so regardless of anything else. I am bound to not share these details with anyone."

"Thank you for your reassurance. I appreciate it. Earlier today, Shepard held me in her arms. This was normal for us. What wasn't normal…was when I felt something underneath her clothes. Over her chest. A gathering of rings she'd kept over her dog tags."

"Do you mean…?"

"Yes. At least one engagement ring. Shepard intended it for her current girlfriend. Not for me."

Dr. Aerie had already guessed: "You didn't take this discovery very well, did you?"

"Not at all. I was emotional and let out my anger on her. Though Shepard did listen. She apologized."

"And then you—reconnected."

This growing redness in my face answered everything for me.

"Then, her current partner," she continued. "Do you imagine Commander Shepard will stay with her? If she had an engagement ring, her intentions were serious. Or is there more to this story as well?"

"It is indeed a long story. Not all of it is relevant to our discussion. What I will say is that Shepard did not go out and buy the ring of her own accord. But, in the end, it might not matter. Her partner ended up betraying her as well. She is keeping a terrible secret behind Shepard's back. I was forced to tell the commander what happened. Shepard seemed to know about it already. Maybe that is why she allowed herself to fall back in with me. She no longer feels completely bound by her relationship. In her eyes, their honor had already been broken. If this betrayal hadn't happened…then things would be different."

"So the commander is a creature of habit," figured Dr. Aerie. "Without this betrayal, and without her intuitive sense, then she would have remained on the same path. She would not consider returning to you. As painful as that may sound, I only want to make sure I understand the situation. Is this correct?"

"Yes… One hundred percent. Except I still worry about the possibility. The possibility of Shepard staying with her. They had such a wonderful relationship together. Before I went and ruined everything. I was the one who made the first move. She followed my lead and gave into me. I feel like this is my fault."

"Given all that you and Commander Shepard have been through, as well as her habits and tolerances, is that really a grave concern? Or a concern at all? You know the commander extremely well by now. The moment you discovered those betrayals, Liara, you should have already known what would happen."

I couldn't deny that.

There was also the matter of Shepard's promise to me. Her promise to keep Aria from finding out.

If Aria were to meld with her again, then she could have witnessed the memory of us in my room.

Yet Shepard had already sworn to protect me from that outcome. I needed to trust in what that meant. Everything—meaning Shepard's potential path to stay with her girlfriend had already been sealed off.

"That is true. I suppose it isn't a concern, then." Such a weight off my chest. I still had another weight: this matter of Shepard's safety from indoctrination. But I could not begin to explain everything to Dr. Aerie. I simply had to believe that Shepard would persevere on her own from now on. "With all of that in mind, I would like to know how to proceed from here. What do you feel my next steps should be? I have been wandering in the dark for far too long. I cannot see the right answers."

"For your first steps," advised Dr. Aerie, "It is abundantly clear to me. You must speak up for yourself. You need to give a voice to your feelings and concerns—instead of suffering in silence as you have done. I sympathize with your need to punish yourself over the past. Yet the past is done. It is behind you now. The commander has already forgiven you. Yes, you're having an affair with her. I am certain you don't wish for the affair to continue as it is. You would like to move forward with her in a meaningful way."

"Of course," I agreed. "Your suggestions are all reasonable. Except I am not sure how to do those things. I also don't want to re-add myself to the revolving door of her relationships. That would ruin me."

"Then resist the temptation to jump back into something with her. Be firm about your boundaries and your expectations. Show the commander that you are serious about the two of you. She will take this just as seriously in return. I strongly feel it is up to you to set the tone of your reconciliation together."

"Okay. I will have to think on this; choose my words carefully. Shepard responds well to diplomacy."

"And what about you, Liara?" she asked. "What do you respond well to from the commander?"

Getting my mind out of the gutter, I replied, "I respond best…when I can rely on her. When I am confident that she will be there for me, no matter what. You have probably gathered by now that I am an anxious person. Constantly worrying about every little thing. I am often embarrassed when I need reassurance about something or another. Years ago, I was overconfident in my bond with her. I did not believe she would leave me—until she did. Then I believed she would come back to me—until she didn't. Thinking on it now, I have never been able to rely on her. Not like this. Not in the way I need. Not beyond our professional relationship. This issue has greatly piled on to the mountain of my anxieties."

"You should also communicate this to her. These are part of your boundaries and expectations. I know you love her. You love her more than anything. But this can't be a one-way street. She must provide for your needs as well. Your feelings for one another carried your involvement together before. If you are truly going to start over, then this should go further than that. You have both matured, haven't you?"

"I believe we have matured. I did not expect her to meet my needs in the past. I was more in love with us as an item. Now, actually relying on her, having her provide for me…the possibilities fill me with joy. A beautiful joy I have never felt before. Especially because I know she is capable of giving me what I need. I would have doubted this not long before. Yet the one thing holding me back is her history. Her storied history with other women. Shepard's relationships were always so deeply involved. In comparison, what she had with me was more similar to a fling than anything else. No matter how deeply we had fallen for one another, she did not give us nearly enough time to enjoy it. You could say I am insecure over this."

As before, Dr. Aerie had the golden answers I needed—"Then allow me to challenge your perspective. Consider the positive side of her other relationships. The commander did learn something from those connections. They were not enough to make her stay with these other women. Yet she did take away her own positive lessons from those experiences. These experiences helped her grow into someone you can rely on—despite your current affair. Perhaps one person taught her the value of being reliable—in ways you were unable to. Perhaps another opened her heart to the idea of marriage and children. Shepard is imperfect, but she has grown into a more perfect partner for you with each of those lessons."

I had never considered things from this angle…

I was always so caught up in wanting to possess Shepard for myself. Not wanting her to have other experiences, as if they would invalidate what we had. Hating the idea of her having loved someone else, and someone else, and someone else other than me, as if that would diminish our bond. Fearing the possibility that she would forget all about me in favor of another. Always needing to be her one and only—as a form of controlling her. As if the past no longer existed, the present only had room for us gazing directly at one another, and the future had already been written with our names in the stars.

That possession wasn't love.

That control wasn't love.

That gazing wasn't love.

What we had now, today, at this very moment—this felt like true love to me.

Only moments later did I notice these tears welling thickly in my eyes. All from how foolish I had been.

"It's all right, Liara," soothed Dr. Aerie. "I believe we've made a breakthrough. If you don't mind, I would like to ask a few more questions. I have every confidence you will know where to go from here."

Sniffling a bit, I responded, "I am listening, Doctor."

"Be honest with yourself. You don't need to speak the answers out loud. Would you have preferred Shepard to stay with you in the past? Years ago. While the two of you weren't ready for one another."

Honestly?

Honesty.

Honest.

I wouldn't have preferred that.

Shepard and I would have probably argued all the time. If not all the time, then often enough. We wouldn't have learned anything productive from the experiences. We would have only built up more unresolved issues, more toxic pain. Our bond would have sadly, inevitably died a death by a thousand cuts.

"Or is the current situation preferable? That the commander was with others, while learning and growing away from you—and ultimately becoming the woman you need. The woman that you want to marry and start a family with someday. The woman that she might not have been while the two of you were involved before."

I absolutely preferred our current situation.

Shepard had grown since then. I had grown since then. Again, we had both matured.

No matter the suffering, the waiting, and the uncertainty…today felt different. This dawn had arrived after a long and painful night. Some part of me did scorn this day's timing. Our sun had decided to rise in the midst of the galaxy's suffering. Their waiting for peace, salvation. Their uncertainty about the future.

The future—once dark and depressing—now seemed ripe to me with possibilities.

The most beautiful possibility of them all now felt within my grasp:

The possibility of Shepard stepping up with me as well. In the way I needed. In the way we both needed.

Dr. Aerie smiled at me, sensing my revelations. She had given me such powerful guidance. She had given me such transcendent answers I never knew I'd needed before today. For as transcendent as I felt, I held no doubts that Shepard felt the same. Enough to rely on herself, unbound and unburdened by any outside expectations. She could move freely through the universe once more. That freedom could bring her back to me. Stronger, deeper, and far more meaningful than we could have ever imagined before.

---

After saying goodbye to Dr. Aerie, I returned with Shepard outside the hospital tents. Quite a lot of time had passed during my conversation with the doctor. Already the city's snowy skies had darkened to night, the winds blowing with a much harsher chill. We stopped just inside the remains of an abandoned electronics store: broken screens and hardware lay scattered about our surroundings. The bright orange of Shepard's omni-tool lit up along her helmet as she brought up General Victus' coordinates, and the directions to that natural history museum. I fought not to shiver beside her. Yet it did not take long for me to feel the comfort of Shepard's arm around my waist. Already I felt so much better. Much more secure with her. I could not guess everything that the future held. But this was an encouraging start.

"Liara, are you okay?"

"I am, Shepard. Very much so. Apart from this dreadful cold, I am ready to continue on with the mission. Thank you for setting aside this extraordinary time for me. Though there is something I should tell you."

"What is it?"

"I admitted to Dr. Aerie several details about us…including our affair. I had intended to keep things anonymous. Not referring to you by name. She had already figured everything out. There was nothing I could do to take back what I had already said. I know we promised we wouldn't tell anyone…"

Shepard held me closer, resolute. "Don't worry about it. It's an exception. I'm just glad you got the help you needed. I couldn't stand seeing you go on like that anymore. Sorry it took me so long to do this."

I smiled against her shoulder plate, insulated in the warmth of her armored, physical affections for me.

For safety's sake, Shepard activated her tactical cloak with me. Our forms faded to this illusory invisibility together, just like old times. I had once believed she could no longer do this with me. Seeing the contrary for myself, I couldn't help my mood from surging even more. Shepard held my hand as we passed down these boulevards to the natural history museum. We stuck to the beaten path, so as to avoid too much snow crunching beneath our boots. Only some did, quietly as we snuck past a few enemy patrols in the night. Those growling sounds plummeted my heart to my stomach the moment I heard them. Footsteps in formation from those marauders touting their rapid-fire assault rifles. The bloated hunkering of the cannibals in the streets, crouched down and consuming the dead turian bodies abandoned in the snow. In the far distance, those Sovereign-style ships clawed through the city, their blaring noises echoing through this freezing expanse. All as the snow gently fell through this otherwise silent night. Patience in these snowflakes fluttered in the winds, carrying these contradictions with them.

As I observed our surroundings more, I began to realize:

Clearly, the turian fleets and soldiers had already mobilized for this war ahead of time. They fought, and they suffered losses, and they appeared overwhelmed. Yet this situation on the ground appeared much more contained than back on Earth. This side of Cipritine looked much like a sleepy town in the middle of winter—with monsters prowling about—compared to the devastation we witnessed on Shepard's homeworld. This must have had something to do with that inside job from the Council that Admiral Hackett had warned of before. The turians had had the chance to prepare. Sadly not so for humanity.

Nonetheless, the Turian Hierarchy had expected the Alliance to come and help. Human remains scattered across these streets in similar numbers to the turians, red blood soaking through to the snow.

Judging by this seething anger I sensed from Shepard, she had also noticed the same.

Not long afterward, we arrived to the natural history museum. The bristly, asymmetrical shape of the silver tower lit on in the night as a giant lighthouse. Several soldiers and other military personnel entered and exited the building, mostly carrying supplies with them instead of wounded bodies. This sense of normalcy from the turians, whose very bones resonated with the pangs of war, only spoke more to their preparedness. After the initial panic and devastation of the invasion hours ago, they had indeed managed to contain the situation in these pockets of the city. If not for the sheer force of the enemy, one could've assumed that Palaven had things mostly under control by now. And so soon.

Shepard and I found more and more evidence of this as we entered the museum. Heading upstairs to General Victus' location, we found organized distributions of provisions, weapons, and bedding to the troops around. Everything proceeded normally within the otherwise-pristine space of these displays, of Palaven's pieces of nature and geological history scattered around. Those soldiers also saluted Shepard as we passed by. Turians saluting a human. The one human with the power to turn the tide for them.

Arriving at the forward operating base, Shepard and I again found an organized setup. Having set aside the various artifacts and displays on this floor, General Victus and his people had filled the area with war tables, armories, intel stations, and even a decent medical bay down the hall. I heard that song again as well. The turian imperial anthem played over a radio somewhere, just as it had every other time I'd heard it today. Other radios relayed mission updates and objectives from across Palaven. That musical patriotism played on a loop throughout this area, reminding the turians of what they stood to lose. Quietly enough so as to not grow annoying, but persistent enough to serve as that constant reminder.

We found General Victus at his station near a long set of windows. These windows opened the museum up to the night, the view spreading across the rest of downtown. The general stopped his work to find us properly—and he found us with a veiled gratitude.

"Commander Shepard," greeted Victus. "Dr. T'Soni. Good to see you at last. General Victus. I understand you had other business to attend to in the city. Something more important than a Reaper invasion?"

"We're prepared to move forward now, General," said Shepard. "That's all that matters."

"You have no judgment from me, Commander. To be honest, you lucked out. We've been sitting ducks here for quite some time now. I have orders from Palaven Command to preserve the Prothean artifacts within this building. So we decided to use the museum as our operating base. The enemy hasn't made it this far without getting caught by one of our patrols."

"Where are my other teammates? Have they just been in the museum with you?"

"Yes, they have. I've asked them to stay here for the time being. They're currently in the next room."

Shepard wished to know, "Then what's the holdup, General? I thought you needed us ASAP."

Victus pointed to the Kingsglaive's general location. "Lucifer's made that site its base of operations. We have to approach the Reaper from the ground, as you may have heard by now. Our military is throwing large contingents of soldiers at the ground forces in that area. But it will take a while to clear out those marauders, cannibals, and husks protecting their commander. We are steadily whittling them down."

I had to ask, "Why have you not decided to send us to help?"

Grimly, the general replied, "I can't in good conscience send you and your people out there, Dr. T'Soni. It's a bloodbath. We're throwing bodies at the enemy. We expect every single soldier to die during this assault, and then to get quickly replaced afterward. We've had this constant cycle going on ever since the invasion began. We turians specialize in winning wars with overwhelming force. Unfortunately…this is the best overwhelming force we can scrounge up against a foe of this magnitude. It's humiliating."

"I understand. How long do you expect this assault will take?"

"Optimistically speaking, our brave men and women won't clear the area out for the next few days. In the meantime, I'm working with General Corinthus on Palaven's moon, Menae. Corinthus is responsible for overseeing the counterattack on our moon. He's helping us pinpoint the precise moment to strike."

Shepard offered, "General, I'm an infiltrator. I can use my tactical cloak to safely approach the devil ship. Why are you sacrificing so many lives for this operation? Why are you so focused on clearing the area?"

"The answer is simple, Commander," supplied General Victus. "We're not risking your life unless we have to. Period. Even I've never seen something like this before. The marauders, cannibals, and husks are swarming the area, like locusts. As it stands now, there is no room for you to infiltrate at all. Every corner, every inch surrounding the Kingsglaive is taken up by Lucifer's forces. You wouldn't be able to move without the Reapers boxing you in. We have no choice but to thin their ranks for your approach."

"I see. Never mind, then."

"I appreciate your willingness to get the job done. I wish things could be easier. That just isn't the case. Once the area is open, General Corinthus will brief me on how to proceed. Your approach will depend on the resources and opportunities we have available at the time. I can't predict what those might be. Still, I apologize for not having everything ready to go. Would you rather return with your team back to the Normandy for the time being? I won't blame you for choosing to wait this out on your ship."

"No, we'll stay here," decided Shepard. "I'd rather stick around to respond immediately to the changing situation. Do you need our help fighting in other places? Bolstering your patrols?"

Victus declined, "Those are menial tasks in comparison to your objective, Commander. I won't insult you by sending you off to handle them. Your team is our only shot at taking down Lucifer. Better to hunker down and wait here in the museum with us. We still have running water and electricity throughout the building. I've made sure our personnel brought out provisions for non-turians. We didn't want our Alliance allies to go hungry here on Palaven. Your teammates are waiting in the display room next door."

"Understood, General. We'll head over there now. I'll check back with you later."

"Thank you for your understanding. Help yourselves to our supplies whenever you'd like."

As Shepard and I left down the hall, her frustrations had only grown. Frustrations with the war, with the Council, with the preferential treatment for everyone other than humanity. Except she could not vent her feelings to me. Not here. Surrounded as we were by soldiers and medics passing by, we didn't have the freedom to speak honestly with one another. She chose to speak to me in code instead:

"The turians are pretty organized."

"You are right, Commander. They are indeed very organized."

Shepard hummed in contemplation.

She knew now that I had noticed the same as her.

No matter her frustrations, Shepard seemed to share another thought with me. That the best thing for us now was to not return to the ship. Having this extra time to think, to ruminate, to reflect would only help us. Because if we had returned to the Normandy, the temptation would surge again. The temptation to sleep together again; for Shepard to make love to me again in secret. I wouldn't have been able to wait for her to leave Aria in that case. I wouldn't have remembered to stay firm with my boundaries and expectations. We couldn't allow ourselves to fall back into that shameless uncertainty.

Remaining under Palaven's watchful eye seemed like the healthiest option for us now.

Arriving to this expansive display room, already we heard the sounds of Garrus and Kaidan chatting together. Their voices reverberated through the area, tall-ceilinged and adorned with historical artifacts all around. Some of the glass surrounding those artifacts had cracked and dusted with rubble, from the museum suffering shocks that had rippled out in the distance. Yet for the most part, everything remained in-tact, perfectly preserved. Highly valuable, one particular artifact caught my eye. An old Prothean beacon stood nearest to a wall. Old and damaged, it gave off only the faintest green glow. Even without inspecting it up close, I already knew the beacon no longer worked. It could not have still been functional, not while on display in a museum open to the public. The sight comforted me anyway.

On the far side of the room, Aria paced around over there. Glued to her omni-tool, she did not notice the two of us at all. She appeared preoccupied with planning her counteroffensive to retake Omega. Nothing else mattered to her.

Shepard asked me, "Do you want to settle down here by the beacon? I'm guessing the guys will sleep on the other side."

"Yes, that would be wonderful," I replied. "We will not have much privacy. But you and I do need to have a conversation. There is something I need to share with you… Can it wait until we are alone again?"

Glancing at Aria across the way, Shepard said, "That's fine with me. This lack of privacy is probably for the best right now. I'll go downstairs and see if I can find some bedding and other supplies for you."

"Thank you, Shepard."

Watching her leave, I wondered if she would find supplies for herself, too. Then I remembered Shepard was an insomniac. She didn't need to sleep. Meaning she would stay awake this whole time, constantly thinking on her situation. Our situation.

As I walked over to Kaidan and Garrus, I found them sitting on the floor by a portable heater. The machine hummed dimly as it worked, providing a cozy warmth for this general area. Engrossed in deep conversation, the guys did not notice me. Not at first. Well-aware of this lack of privacy we all shared, the two of them spoke in a sort of code. They mentioned something about energy and forgiveness and cycles and restarting. They could have gone on and on like this without ever noticing me standing here.

"Hello, you two," I said.

Eyes darting to me, Garrus and Kaidan scrambled to end their current conversation.

"Hey, Liara!" greeted Kaidan, with a bit too much enthusiasm. "Err, sorry—we didn't see you there. Glad you made it back."

"Same here," added Garrus. "How's everything going? You doing all right?"

"Everything is fine now, yes," I explained. "Thank you for asking. May I sit with you? General Victus already filled us in on the situation."

Kaidan patted the hard silver floor. "Of course! Have a seat. The more the merrier! It's nice and warm with this heater the turians gave us. They've all been really accommodating to us since we got here."

As I sat down, Garrus said, "So, yeah—looks like we would've had to wait anyway. No big deal. What did Shepard say about it? Are we camping out in the museum until they need us?"

"Yes, we will stay here," I supplied. "Shepard would rather remain close by to respond to any changes."

"We figured as much," shared Kaidan. "Already told Tali and Joker about it. They know not to expect us back any time soon. We've just been, uh, talking ever since. You know. Passing the time!"

Feigning ignorance, I merely replied, "Then let us continue talking. Passing the time."

Despite this awkwardness, we fell into a more comfortable discussion about Palaven's long history of wars and conquests. We needed this comfort. Because the alternative was dwelling on the turian and human soldiers dying out there for our cause—for our mission. Their sacrifices still stayed at the forefront of our minds. We would repay their efforts once the time arrived to take down that devil ship.

As another comfort, I glanced back at my claimed area near the Prothean beacon. Shepard had set out the bedding she had promised to find, along with some juice and rations for me. Humbled by her care, I assumed Shepard had gone on to speak with General Victus some more, keeping an eye on developments. Aria had also wandered off farther away for more privacy. She seemed annoyed by our conversation, as if my friends and I speaking together had somehow distracted her.

And then I noticed: the faint glimmer of Shepard's tactical cloak in a corner.

I sensed her presence there.

Shepard's figure faced toward Aria. Watching her vigilantly. Like a hawk.

Had she been there this whole time, standing vigil over me?

If so, I had to wonder what went on in her mind. So many betrayals, one after another. So many secrets and lies. After everything Aria had done for Shepard, and for the rest of our team, things had still boiled down to this. This dangerous precipice. I had to wonder if or when Shepard would lose faith in people altogether. I took this into heavy consideration while thinking about the talk we needed to have. I did want to set those boundaries, those expectations. Shepard and I needed time to sort through this. She especially needed time to be alone and grieve properly—ideally without drowning in her resentments.

I also wondered if this was Ashley's goal:

Manipulating Aria into yet another betrayal, into more secrets.

Destabilizing Shepard's relationship to the point of another breakup.

All to convince Shepard that the people around her were not worth trusting. Myself included. Therefore, in that case, the people of the galaxy weren't worth saving, either. Coming to such a conclusion would tempt Shepard to give up on the mission entirely. I would understand if she reached that verdict. But I still didn't want her to. I did not want to watch Shepard fall into nihilism and despair, helpless to stop it. I could only hope she wouldn't give into those thoughts…even though she had every reason to by now.

After a few hours of talking with my friends, I went over to the bed Shepard had laid out for me. Kaidan and Garrus soon fell asleep on their side of the room. As I drifted off beneath the faint green glow of the beacon, I watched Shepard watching her girlfriend. Aria had started getting tired over there. Yet she tried to keep working. She should have also been an insomniac as Shepard was; as Miranda used to be while her bond with Shepard had remained unbroken. I could recall Aria still sleeping normally in Shepard's room up until yesterday, the day of the Reaper invasion. She hadn't noticed anything amiss. She hadn't picked up on the severity of her failures, of her mistakes. She hadn't opened her eyes to how badly she had ruined her chances, forever lacking the foresight and the intuitive sense we asari thrived on.

She had no idea.