Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

78. The Heir-Apparent

"Black Steel, Cold Embers" from Final Fantasy XIV: Endwalker

LXXVIII. The Heir-Apparent

(Shepard)

Starlight from the black lake above my bed shone down on me. Alone in my private cabin, I stared out the window above my bed. Lying down over my back, I felt my attention drifting as the Normandy did, making its way to the Citadel after Sur'Kesh. We still had the salarian dalatrass in custody. Our marine detachment had already prepared to hand her over to C-Sec as soon as we arrived. After all the news pouring in about the Salarian Union, the galaxy needed to see a guilty face. The other Council races needed to pin the blame on this one person—instead of blaming Sur'Kesh as a whole, as if they'd all kept this secret. We couldn't afford to let this divide us. Not in the middle of this war with the Reapers.

For now, I needed to get out of bed.

I had lost track of how long I'd spent here.

Gazing up at this view of the Normandy's kinetic barriers rushing past my windows. Thinking about Liara.

But after Belphegor and Lucifer, I felt my body rebelling against me. Just out of pure exhaustion. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to leave my room. I didn't want to do anything. Listlessness as living and breathing. Except I had my obligations today. I'd made another appointment to speak with Sha'ira. The asari councilor had also asked me to pay her a visit. Before that, I wanted to make the rounds on the ship and speak with everyone. Checking up on them. I hadn't had the chance since the mission started.

I felt Liara's intentions to do the same with me. Even as she worked in her office downstairs, I sensed her clearly. She wanted to be up here with me. Yet Liara also understood I wasn't ready yet. I needed a bit more time. Our previews from before had definitely helped with my decision. I still needed to deal with this unfinished business on Omega. Not to talk with Aria. Not even to see her directly. Just helping to get her station back, as I had promised I would do. I had to figure out how to make this plan a reality.

It would've been nice to avoid all of that.

It would've been nice to just stay here. Hidden in my room. Staying in bed, my head in the clouds.

Anything to keep from remembering this pain. This physical pain I felt each time I moved. A persistent soreness, as if my limbs wanted to lock themselves up. Only in my early-to-mid thirties and I felt so much older. Like my body had somehow aged on its own, leaving my mind and my perspective behind. I didn't look any different. But I didn't feel like myself. Lazing around seemed like the only antidote to this severe soreness in my back, my arms, and my legs. As if it would somehow go away if I stayed in bed for several days at a time.

Forcing myself out of bed, I clenched down on my teeth from this grueling pain. Just pushing my hands down on the mattress, and lifting myself up—the same as pushing down against an impossible roadblock, immovable. I somehow managed to power through. Getting to my feet, even if it cost me my dignity while alone in my own room. Getting dressed, I covered up this shame of mine, hiding the rest.

Taking the elevator, I went down to the crew deck first.

The sounds of conversation and the smells of cooking—I heard some of the guys talking and laughing in the kitchen. I couldn't help pausing at the Normandy's memorial wall. These names of the ones we'd lost. And one name in particular I'd decided against memorializing. I remembered her anyway. I reflected on what she'd warned me about before. Her warnings seemed more and more relevant by the day. Everyone did seem to be out for themselves. The turians had mobilized their forces well before humanity, and now they were on track to retake their homeworld and colonies. The salarians had attempted to evade the Reapers altogether without sharing their technology with us. The quarian admirals except for Shala'Raan had basically told us to fuck off. And the asari had already betrayed us in the first place. Even still, I couldn't let this get to me. I couldn't fall into that dangerous line of thinking.

I followed the sounds of talking over in the kitchen. Wrex, Garrus, and Kaidan had gathered there, telling stories about their homeworlds. Listening to Kaidan tell anecdotes about Earth made my heart ache. So unexpected. I had spent most of this time not thinking about Earth. To hear him basking in nostalgia, sharing his memories about the good old days up in Canada, I wondered why I didn't feel the same.

Wrex noticed me first, grinning as he said, "Shepard."

"Wrex," I acknowledged. "What are you guys up to?"

Garrus explained, "Trying to take a break from the news about Sur'Kesh. It's been pretty bad."

"Yeah," agreed Kaidan. "We couldn't stop talking about the salarians who turned on each other. Then we started reminiscing about home. Looking on the bright side helps when everything's gone to shit."

Wrex added, "Any excuse not to think about salarians is good in my book. Hell, we were talking about the dalatrass earlier. How she probably had some master plan to screw over my people with the genophage. She was awfully calm back at the STG base. Wouldn't put it past her to sabotage the cure."

I had the same feeling. "Probably. Have you spoken with our guest in the med bay with Mordin?"

"About thirty times now. She's not too friendly, though. The kind of crap she's seen, I don't blame her for not wanting to chat with me. The thing is, she's part of my clan. She's one of Clan Urdnot. I promised her a long time ago that I'd get our people out of this mess. Don't think she believed me back then."

Kaidan asked, "Why not? Is she just a natural skeptic?"

Wrex clarified, "She's a shaman of my people. She gave up her name and chose to live a life of suffering and sacrifice. I usually went to her whenever I needed advice about how to handle our female clans. Took a while for her to believe I was serious about this. Reforming our clans. Making Tuchanka a better place. Improving our standing with other races. I could never tell if she liked me or not, but she also never insulted me to my face. She likes to keep her cards close to her chest. Had to learn to deal with it."

Garrus understood. "I think you should keep trying, Wrex. She might respect you more than you know."

Kaidan also knew. "I'm thinking the same. Maybe you should check on her again. Who knows? She may just appreciate your attention after all. Could be she's too proud to tell you how she really feels."

"That's true…"

I announced, "I'll leave you to think this over, Wrex. I'm heading to the med bay now. Whenever you want to stop by, feel free."

"Yeah, I'm sure I'll be in there soon. You go on ahead, Commander."

Leaving the guys to continue their conversation, I went to the med bay next. Dr. Chakwas sat at her desk, smiling at me as I entered. She gestured to Mordin and the krogan shaman just nearby, meaning for me to speak with them first. So I walked ahead, finding Mordin going over a few checks with his patient. She sat on one of the beds—normal-sized for most of us, but comically small under her large and imposing frame. The krogan sighed as Mordin went over an exhaustive list of potential candidates for—something. Something she had no interest in whatsoever, given how grumpy she sounded, completely over it. She insisted Mordin change the subject, and so he did.

Then Mordin began thinking out loud about, "Maybe an inhibitor? No-no-no, entire catalyzing process would fail. Severe neurological damage. Never mind."

"What are you talking about?" she questioned.

"Method to extract functional cure without killing you. Many variables. Your immune system compromised. Considering options."

"And you have to do it out loud?"

"Yes!" said Mordin. "Auditory learner. Need to hear self think. Simulate conversation to promote new ideas. Maximize productivity."

"But you're talking about me dying."

"Oh. Apologies. Medical details causing emotional distress. Hadn't considered effect on patient."

"No, you do this all the time," said the krogan. "So between you and Wrex visiting every five minutes, I can't get any sleep."

"Doing best to keep you alive. Will avoid…sensitive subjects." Mordin lit up once he saw me. "Shepard, timely arrival! Blood work complete. Indicates significant stress on Eve's system. Maelon's data thorough. Fortunately detailed as well. Have used notes to improve her condition."

Eve?

She gave me such a hard, unreadable look from behind her head garb. Not out of malice. Out of habit. I saw the old creases along her eyes, how her frown had followed those same paths from years of pain and misgivings. Something in her eyes seemed much softer than her old habits. Much more respectful.

"Hello, Commander," she said. "Thank you for bringing me aboard your ship. Had we stayed on Sur'Kesh, I surely would have met an early end. Your teammates were quick to get me here safely."

"We're glad to have you with us, Eve." I asked Mordin, "How is she doing?"

"No fever currently. Heart rate elevated. Likely stress. Eating appropriately. Could use another blanket. Something soft. Already put in request with Liara as XO. Prefer to let Eve recover fully before synthesizing cure. My medical recommendation."

Eve objected, "My people don't have time for that."

Mordin remarked, "Her opinion somewhat different. My patient. My responsibility. Found her at STG base. Three doctors injured trying to restrain her. Undid arm restraints. Didn't resist when she grabbed me. Promised to help her. She said, 'Please.'"

I wondered, "Then were you able to figure out why she's immune?"

"Genophage targeted hormone production during pregnancy. Modification project used same modality. Her 'immunity' totally different. Targeted glands now obsolete, like human appendix. Other glands mutated to produce proper hormones, enable viable birth. Also explains her weakness. Gland substitution imperfect. Health trouble. For cure, will use Eve's tissue to produce mutagen, alter gland function across entire species. Must improve mutagen as well; tune hormone production. Long-term illness for all krogan otherwise. Need to do what is best for species survival, prosperity."

"You know, I remember you defending the genophage back in the day. What changed your mind?"

"Never changed mind," he insisted. "Genophage proper decision at time. New circumstances necessitate course correction. Political climate. Turians need krogan assistance for war. Cooperative symbiosis." Convenient pawns? As I narrowed my eyes in disbelief, Mordin relented, "Getting old, Shepard. Not many years left. Still best candidate for project. Few salarian scientists interested in genophage. None with my expertise. Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."

Catching me off-guard, Liara entered the med bay.

She carried a fresh, folded blanket in her arms. A soft blanket meant for Eve, at Mordin's request. As Liara walked over this way, I felt myself staring at her. I had faced myself toward her completely. Following her every movement without realizing. Liara kept her eyes to mine, smiling in gentleness. She found this other softness about me—reserved and tended for her now—and she seemed to enjoy it. Mordin and Eve certainly noticed, warming over the sight.

"Here you are, Eve," said Liara, offering the blanket to her. "I hope this will be enough for you."

Eve accepted the offer. "Thank you, Dr. T'Soni. This should be more than enough. You're too kind."

"Yes, thank you," said Mordin. "Will do nicely. Stress levels should drop in short time."

Liara worried, "What about your stress, Mordin? We never got the chance to speak about the dalatrass."

"Ah, Dalatrass Linron… Heard whispers about her schemes. Didn't want to believe them. Too naïve. Also too focused on work to care for politics. Then learned schemes were more than politics. Ultimate betrayal of allied forces. No, entire galaxy! Grappling with shame. Should have seen this coming."

"Even if you had, what could you have done about it?"

"Hmm, don't know. Feel responsibility for government as salarian. Helpful to know galaxy won't blame all of us. Wondering if maybe pariah status would be best. Deserved for ignorance or enabling, depending on person, levels of knowledge about scheme. More pressure to achieve results with cure. Ending genophage resolve bad will of my people? Unclear. Too many variables. Still worth trying."

Then Wrex barged in, immediately making a fuss over Eve's health. He wanted to know if she was okay, what all these tests were for, if she'd gotten enough sleep—everything. While Eve groaned over Wrex's well-meaning but overbearing attention, Liara smartly pulled me away. Crowding around Mordin's patient wouldn't help at a time like this. Liara and I moved closer to Dr. Chakwas, who seemed entertained by the whole drama over there. She also seemed used to Wrex's antics with Eve by now.

"The poor thing," said Dr. Chakwas. "He must've paid her a visit at least a dozen times since yesterday. I understand Wrex is anxious, but he isn't helping matters. He'll end up living in the med bay at this rate."

Liara agreed with her, "Yes, Wrex hasn't been able to focus on anything else since she arrived. We should probably expect this to continue for a while. Other than that, how are you doing, Dr. Chakwas?"

"Oh, I suppose I'm all right. Still grieving for Anderson from time to time. I can only wonder how he would've reacted to all that's happened these days. Most especially a certain someone's victories."

"My victories?" I repeated. "What about them?"

Liara praised me, "Commander, I don't believe we've said this enough. What you've achieved so far is nothing short of remarkable. You really have done the impossible—twice so far. And we do still have a long way to go. No one else could have pulled off what you've done with the Reapers."

"And on your own, no less. After all this excitement, Shepard, you're overdue for a brief checkup."

Standing to meet me, Dr. Chakwas scanned me with her omni-tool, checking my diagnostics. Already I felt and heard her concerns. The readings she found couldn't have been good. Liara shared in those concerns, settling her hands over my arm, my shoulder in protectiveness. Suddenly I felt just like Eve over there, still dealing with Wrex's attentions and Mordin's exasperated attempts to shoo him away.

"I see your arms, legs, and back are inflamed today. Have you been in any pain, Commander?"

"Nothing I can't handle," I promised.

"Hmm." Dr. Chakwas didn't sound too convinced. "I'm concerned this will grow worse over time. As you take down these Reaper ships, they'll continue to affect you. Even though your mind is nearly impenetrable, the same cannot be said of your physical form. My medical recommendation would be to stop these military operations against the Reapers immediately. Although I understand this isn't feasible…"

Liara asked for me, "How exactly is this affecting her?"

"From what I can tell, the process of disabling the Reapers is overstimulating Shepard's body. The excess stimulation is much like over-exercising. The body will react and shut down in the same ways—as if the commander has suddenly sprinted an entire marathon or more, when she is nowhere near trained to do so. Or you could compare it to overclocking mechanical hardware. The hardware will work in overdrive for a time before malfunctioning. You may be fine for now, but this is fundamentally unsustainable."

I had to point out, "Dr. Chakwas, I can't just stop. Too many people are counting on us."

"Yes, I know… I would instead recommend spacing out your operations. Interacting with the Reapers too frequently—one after the other—will cause more physical damage. I'm aware you can't control when it is time to leave for the next battlefield. This is at least a possible workaround that might benefit you."

Liara still wanted me to get better. "Is there anything we could do for her as preventative care?"

"Yes, actually," assured Dr. Chakwas, checking her omni-tool's programs. "We could try a hot-cold therapy, most commonly used for athletes. It helps to prevent injuries by increasing blood flow with heat, and reducing inflammation with the cold. The program I have allows for direct hand-to-skin contact with the heat and cold. The initial touch would only be a moderate temperature, heating up or cooling down internally beneath Shepard's skin. This would also require the commander to lie down."

With Wrex, Mordin, and Eve all crowding the med bay, I couldn't possibly have the treatment here. It also sounded like I'd have to strip my clothes off… I didn't want my crew seeing me vulnerable like that.

"I could give her the treatment," volunteered Liara. "If Shepard doesn't mind, that is."

I nodded in acceptance.

Not that I wanted to be vulnerable in front of Liara, either. But we had already gone over this subject—about me learning to lean on her. I wanted to make progress with this instead of pushing her away.

And this sudden, enflamed throbbing in my lower back wouldn't let me say no.

"Then take this program," said Dr. Chakwas, uploading it to Liara's omni-tool. "Use it while giving Shepard a full-body massage. I recommend repeating this after she takes down another Reaper ship."

"I'll certainly do that. Thank you, Dr. Chakwas."

"Thank you, Liara. Please take care of our stubborn captain. She needs you more than you know."

What did she mean by that?

I couldn't ask because Liara soon ushered me out of the med bay.

We hovered outside in the mess hall for a bit. Garrus and Kaidan had left the kitchen, probably returning to the main battery together. Quiet, empty space. Only the faint hum of the Normandy's inner-workings surrounded us. Surrounding, just like this feeling. How much Liara had missed me since yesterday. How much I had missed her, too. We still existed in this in-between state of together-but-not-together. She didn't seem to mind it. Liara seemed to encourage it, regarding me in this natural serenity of hers.

"Commander, what did you have planned for today? Once we reach the Citadel."

"The asari councilor asked to meet with me. After that, I have another appointment with Sha'ira."

"Mmm, I see. Something tells me you were in the middle of something before I arrived."

"Yes," I replied. "I wanted to speak to the team on the ship. You know, to check up on them."

Liara smiled more over my intentions. "That's very sweet of you, Shepard. But you know I'm going to have to object now. You can speak with everyone later. I'd like us to get started with this treatment."

"Now? I thought you were busy finishing up your paper."

"I'll finish it later. I don't want you to be in any pain. Come with me to my room."

Leaving me no room to protest, Liara moved directly behind me. She placed her hands over my shoulder blades, gently pushing and shepherding me along to her room. The care and the love in her touch, her movements made everything clear for me. This reminder of Liara's emotional labor, toiling for me without toiling at all. Always this eagerness of hers to please me, to keep me together. Her willingness to drop everything for me—whether I asked her to or not. Especially when I didn't ask her myself.

Liara brought me over to her bed. She had me sit down while she changed into her usual N7 shirt for me. I watched this transformation of hers, enraptured. Enraptured by the professionalism of her lab coat—changing to the indulgence of her bare legs, the tease of her low-riding shirt around her thighs. Then she knelt down in front of me. She bent her knees at my feet, her legs brushing along the pant legs of my uniform. Non-sexual in her intent, but turning me on anyway. Especially from the simplicity of her gaze. The way she looked up at me in patience. Always this patience of hers, molding herself around my needs. Architecting anything and everything just for me—crafted and custom-made in consecration.

"Shepard, have you eaten today?" she asked, rubbing her hands along my legs.

"Yes… I ate earlier. I'm fine."

Liara averted her eyes in a bit of shyness. "I worry for you whenever we're apart. I am always wondering if you're taking care of yourself. You aren't the best at asking for help. At the same time, sometimes I hesitate when doing these things. Making myself completely available for you. I know you wouldn't take me for granted. Things like this are special to me. I want to be this for you more often. All the time."

I didn't know how to respond.

I didn't know how to say I wanted the same things.

Liara gave this to me anyway. She took off my shoes, setting them aside in the neatness I preferred. She undid the jacket of my uniform, taking it off for me. Liara did the same with my undershirt, and then my uniform pants, leaving me as I had been for her yesterday. Just my binder and my boxer briefs. Just this while she combed through my hair with her hands, straightening these strands back to normal. When she kissed me, I tasted a raspberry flavor from her lips over mine. Liara had probably indulged in the fruit juice to remind herself of me. Those little things. Delicate as she touched me, her palms over my bare shoulders. The same care as she eased me down to her bed. Then she maneuvered me face-down, over my stomach. I had to keep adjusting myself to get all the way on her bed. Liara had to keep helping me, moving my legs and somehow getting this full lank of me over her blanket. She just laughed over it.

"I'm convinced you're still growing each day."

"Maybe."

Liara straddled my waist, careful where she set her weight. She combed through my hair again, brushing it off to the side of my shoulder. All while she read her omni-tool's scans, finding every spot of inflammation over me. While she hummed in worry over the readings, I spotted something out of the corner of my eye. Liara's nightstand. She had a few picture frames there. That one we'd taken with the original team on the Citadel, back when Wrex joined us for the Armax Arena. One with her and Tali, the two of them smiling together. Another of Tali and me. And the third of Liara with me. I hadn't seen any of these before. Tali looked much younger in the one with her and Liara, making me think they'd taken the picture some time ago. This one of Tali with me…was that Freedom's Progress in the background? Had Miranda taken this without us realizing it, and then sent it to Liara later on? The picture of Liara with me—we sat across from one another in Old Armali at the Last Stand, that restaurant we'd dined at several times during our summer vacation together. The only one who could've snapped this…was Sol.

Pressing her hands to the slopes of my hips, Liara asked me, "Since you already have several spots of inflammation, would you like me to start with the cold first? Then we can switch to the heat afterward."

"Yes, I'd like that," I responded. "Thank you, babe."

That little smile in her voice. "You're very welcome, Shepard."

Gradual temperature sinking in:

Liara pressed her hands near the center of my back, at either side of my spine. Starting there, massaging there, she steadily made her way up and then back down again. This application of cold spread from her touch, bit by bit. Not as overwhelming as I'd expected. More like a normal recalibration of my own internal temperature. Perfectly normal, easily adaptable. She did the same to my upper back, slipping her hands beneath the elastic fabric of my binder. By the time she applied heat to those same spots, I felt more of my relaxation kicking in. I almost started to doze off. At least until Liara spoke to me again.

"We should wind down for the holidays," she suggested. "I don't want you to push yourself too hard."

"…I still need to go deal with Omega."

Liara paused.

We had already gone over this yesterday with Admiral Hackett. That didn't mean she had to like it.

When Liara continued massaging me, I noticed an unintentional force in her touch. Accidental.

"Are you going soon?" she asked, rather tense in her jealousy.

"I have to, yes. That's my other plan for the Citadel. Finding out what Aria's up to. What her plans are. I don't want to involve the rest of the team with this. I'll have to go deal with the devil ship on my own."

Liara remembered, "Beelzebub, right. The name of the ship. The sin of gluttony. Oddly fitting."

"Why do you sound like that?"

"You know why."

I tried turning my head to regard her properly. "Babe, this isn't a social call. I'm not going to Omega because I want to. I'm not going there to talk to her, either. I just have to disable Beelzebub. Aria's mercs will deal with the rest. The Alliance will spread out across the Terminus Systems to help out."

"Shepard, I know that."

I repeated, "Then why do you sound so pissed off?"

"Because I can't stand your last relationship. Or anything else you've had outside of me. Don't you think it's understandable that I feel this way? Especially now after you've given me the best sex I could ever imagine. Now that we're on this unbreakable track to having our own relationship. I don't want you anywhere near your exes ever again. I don't want you putting yourself in harm's way for them, either."

I was about to fight back, reminding Liara this was about the civilians in the Terminus Systems. The people stuck on Omega or other colonies, desperate for help in their homes turned into warzones.

But then Liara sniffled in emotion, redoubling her efforts to massage me. Continuing this treatment.

She couldn't focus on the bigger picture. Not with this writing on the wall. These signs of my own limitations, how my physical form could only get me so far. In my mind, every encounter with the Reapers brought us one step closer to the end of this war. Yet in Liara's mind, every encounter with the Reapers brought me one step closer to physical ruin. Because that was the risk now. My body shutting down from this overstimulation. Not being able to walk, to get out of bed, to do anything by myself.

"I'm sorry," offered Liara, sniffling again. "I know I am being selfish. Go ahead and deal with Omega as you need to. Just please promise me you will take it easy after that. It will be some time before Mordin is ready with the cure. The Reapers will likely be on Tuchanka by then. You'll have this window to rest."

Not wanting to argue with her, I gave my word instead: "I promise." This emotion from her, still. The way she heaved her breaths ever-so-slight. Constant draughts through our silence. "What's the matter?"

"This entire month so far since Palaven. Our ups and downs since then. These past few days since Rannoch… I've never been happier in my entire life. And then this happened." Leaning her weight over me, Liara palmed the healed areas of my back in longing. "Your scans terrify me, Shepard. Even though you look the same, it's as if you've suddenly aged forty years. Twenty years for each Reaper you've taken down… You are only thirty-three years old! You're supposed to be in your prime! Not…not this."

"Liara…"

"Remember, I told you what I know. I know how this will all end. The visions I had—after winning the war, you were exhausted. Nearly broken. I had assumed this was just an isolated event. The aftereffects of our most difficult battle awaiting us on Earth. But now it looks like it will be…a gradual decline. Your condition will continue growing worse and worse over time. I can't stop it. I can't save you on my own. I can't make this go away. All I can do is briefly soothe your pain. And still it won't be enough…"

Defeated in her powerlessness, Liara settled her body over mine, holding me close. She buried her face into the slope of my neck. Nuzzling me, needing me. I brought my hand to hers over my shoulder, thumbing the ridges of her knuckles. Liara tangled her fingers through mine: through this heat of her, the heat from this hot-cold treatment, and the warmer heat of her possessiveness clutching me closer.

Suddenly the past seemed so far away.

My past justifications for ignoring her, avoiding her—all pointless, irrelevant.

Any other time, we wouldn't have gotten this far. Our conversation wouldn't have reached this boiling point of sincerity. I would've argued with Liara over her jealousy. I would have pulled away from her unintentional smothering. I would have resisted her pulling me and pulling me in, locking me away from any reminders of other people. Yet none of that mattered anymore. None of those impulses of mine held much weight with me. Instead I felt myself blushing and sweating, just from the shared heat of Liara breathing this close to my face. I felt her torrent of emotions as my own, wracking my insides.

Buried underneath Liara like this, I stared at our picture on her nightstand. This memory of Old Armali.

I remembered all over again that my life wasn't just mine to live. Liara had gone above and beyond, earning this place in my heart and in my life. Right by my side. She deserved everything I had to give her. Including this continuous effort. Lowering my pride for her. Loving her day by day. Forgiving her, always.

---

As we reached the calm comfort of the Citadel, I had stared out Liara's window the whole time. The dense lavender of the Serpent Nebula hazed through our dark, lighting our view of the goings-on out there. So many other ships we passed by, coming and going between the mostly-open arms of the station's embrace. Seeking sanctuary as they fled the war, or heading off to join the fight. The massive scope of the Council's vessel, the Destiny Ascension, flagship of the Citadel—how it dwarfed the Normandy in size as we flew past, returning to the one place in the galaxy we could always count on.

Liara and I then got dressed, finding Kaidan and our marine detachment ready to go.

Before arriving to our usual docking bay, C-Sec met us about halfway in their shuttle. With the public outraged over the Salarian Union, we couldn't possibly hand the dalatrass off in the middle of a busy docking bay. Not without the risk of someone outright assassinating her during the perp walk. Our guards handed over the dalatrass during this covert exchange instead. C-Sec thanked us for apprehending her, promising to go after the facts during their investigation with the Council. Then they made their way to the C-Sec academy, while the Normandy continued on to our expected docking bay.

This collective anger brimmed through the area. Everyone huddled around the vid screens, listening to the Alliance News Network retell the tale of Dalatrass Linron's betrayals. As Liara and I passed by them, I listened to their rage, their despair. How the salarian government had nearly gotten away with something on this scale. Their government, their government. Not the people themselves. The few salarians in the area stayed discreet, keeping a low profile, but no one harassed them. Just like Admiral Hackett had said: our news networks had thoroughly put the spin on this already. The Alliance had made the dalatrass the fall guy as a way of letting the salarians off easy.

As we made our way to the asari embassies, we found this display on the Citadel. Artificial snowflakes trickled down from the false sky. A giant Christmas tree populated a crowded corner of the Presidium, attracting crowds of joyful observers. All these people here had forgotten the politics of the moment.

I watched Liara smiling at the tree we passed by. I remembered our own promises to spend the holidays at her place on Thessia. Speaking of occasions, I also recalled hearing about Liara's birthday a while back. The tenth of March. Still a few months away, but I needed to make sure I had the right date. I'd have to ask Tali about it later. She would know.

While I went in to meet the asari councilor, Liara waited for me outside.

Inside Tevos' office, I found her at her desk. She went over a series of reports about the salarians. The aggrieved look of shock upon her face, growing worse and worse as she read through each datapad. She'd had no idea about any of this. No longer able to predict the future with any certainty, again I found the asari councilor's discomfort. She barely set her feelings aside, greeting me in relief.

"Hello, Commander," said Tevos, gesturing to the seat across from her. "Thank you for stopping by."

"You said this was urgent. Is it about the salarians?"

"No, not the salarians. Although I would like to clarify the Council's stance on the matter. Rest assured we will take swift action against Dalatrass Linron and her cohort. Our Spectre agents have already hunted down the likes of Esheel and the others. Valern has offered to step down from the Council, as a punishment for this scandal having caught him unawares. Sparatus and Udina agree with me that this won't be necessary. We must all move forward."

"Then what is it? You sound worried."

Tevos carried on, "In the interest of not keeping secrets from one another, I would like us to keep these lines of communication open. I am taking the rare step of discussing one of Thessia's most valuable secrets. Have you been briefed about my homeworld? Something about a mystery there?"

"Not exactly briefed. Admiral Hackett didn't have much information about whatever the mystery is. Just that it's a valuable asset, or a paradise. I'm guessing it has something to do with the Temple of Athame." The way she gave pause seemed to confirm the Alliance's intel. "Do you know what's back there? Through this entrance in the temple. Something to do with flowers as a paradise. Her Inflorescence. What is it?"

Quiet, thinking, Tevos chose her words with great care.

She then spoke in tenderness: "It is…patience."

"Patience?"

"Yes."

"Councilor, I'm not seeing the full picture. What does that have to do with anything? Flowers? Waiting?"

Tevos smiled and said, "A flower always takes its time to bloom. Once it does, its effect lasts forever in the minds of its observers. Those who witnessed its soil, its seeds and watering; its petals, its fragrance, its life and existence. Even those who scrutinize the flower as nothing but thorns, or who only see wilted petals and bruised stems—they, too, will remember what they held in their hands. That memory will last forever. This forever-effect is what makes certain flowers everlasting. They are eternal in the eyes of their beholders. This is the essence of what it means to be an asari, Commander. Patience and planning and preparation before payoffs as love. This is what awaits you within the temple's hidden paradise. You will be able to reach this place once the time is right."

I imagined what she meant, finding enough clues in these visuals.

So far-off in actuality. So close to me in this dream.

I wouldn't find out the truth for myself until that far-off time. Probably a while after Tuchanka. But this imagery still calmed me somehow. An everlasting mystery to look forward to as time went on.

"As for the present day, Shepard, you do have other business. What are your plans for Omega?"

"I should make my way over there soon. We need to help the Terminus Systems. I'm just not sure how to pull this off. I don't want Aria to find me. That means I can't bring the Normandy along."

"Fortunately, I have a solution. I offered Aria one of my personal fleets. They will follow her to Omega to assist in her fight. While waiting for you, my fleet has conveniently been undergoing defense upgrades. All to withstand the heavy fighting surrounding the station. You are free to board one of my vessels—without Aria's knowledge—and leave to Omega. Make your way to Beelzebub and disable the ship. Aria's mercenaries will provide assistance in taking the Reaper down once they see it is weakened. Then evacuate with my ship and return to the Citadel. Aria will be none the wiser."

"Well, that works. It'll save me a lot of trouble. Thank you, Tevos."

"Thank you as well. When you are prepared to leave, please let me know. I will give Aria the green light to leave the Citadel. My crew will ensure your safety on the way there and during your return flight."

"I'll let you know. I'd like to get this done soon."

"Yes, that would be ideal."

Sharing this rapport with Tevos, having this support from her, and remembering my interactions with the dalatrass before. It all somehow reminded me of the past. I had never liked politicians, no. Their penchant for lying or 'overpromising' usually put me off. Often power-hungry or secretive. As secretive as Tevos had been before, what with her need to protect her people in that roundabout way. Yet I would always do my due diligence and vote in every election back home. I had never given up on my country's democracy. And I remembered when my democracy had surprised me some years ago, rewarding me in unexpected ways. Ways I had desperately needed without realizing it.

"Commander?" asked Tevos. "Our discussion seems to have brought back memories for you. Would you care to share?"

"I've talked to other high-profile politicians before. Not counting Anderson, Udina, or the salarian dalatrass. I mean back on Earth."

"You are from the United North American States. Have you interacted with anyone in particular from your home nation?"

So many memories from this era of my life: "When I graduated from the N7 program, I…had the chance to speak with our President at the time. I've just never been the patriotic type. Serving in the Alliance has always been about the mission. Not necessarily serving my country's politicians or the people there."

"I understand," she sympathized. "It is not easy to feel patriotic toward a country that failed you in your youth. And yet you miss it now. Your nation, your homeworld. Don't you?"

Missing home.

Actually identifying with the places I came from.

When all my life, I had dissociated myself from them. Never wanting to link myself to any one place. Never risking the weakness of blind patriotism; or even binding myself to a land, to a populace where I was supposed to belong. Knowing I had never belonged there.

But now I suddenly belonged. Now that the Reapers had taken my home from me, it felt like home. Now that the enemy had taken my world from me, I felt this pang in my chest.

Tevos warmed to the sight of my revelations.

Somehow, this must have made me…more human.

"I will leave you to make your preparations before Omega. Thessia awaits us both within the coming days. We will welcome you home while Earth cannot. Happy Holidays, Commander."

After leaving the Citadel Embassies, Liara walked with me to the consort's chambers.

Once we made it to Sha'ira's place, I still had a few more minutes before my appointment. So I stayed outside the building with Liara, waiting for a bit. She leaned her back against this wall. I leaned into her, the two of us secluded out in the open. No one wandering around this side of the Presidium. Only the silence of the day; the false snowflakes hovering down to the ground. Liara smiled up at me in a similar silence. Pure and free. Completely unconcerned with the concerns of our days. We had left those behind, even just for these few moments. Enough for me to stare into her eyes, finding my reflection outlined through her irises. This mockup of seeing myself through Liara's eyes—how she saw me in blue.

When she reached her hands up, holding my face, I felt my complexion heating between her palms. This softness about her, always, mixed in with something more. Several years of dexterity from Liara's hands. The decades she had spent poring over dig sites in solitude. Turning over artifacts in her hands. Admiring them, observing them as they shaped her hands in learning and knowledge. Just as she did to me now.

"How are you feeling, Shepard?" she asked me. "Are you still in any pain?"

Not physically.

"I'm okay. The massage you gave me helped a lot. You're pretty good."

Liara smiled more in her gratitude. As I remembered that massage, I also remembered our almost-argument. Her displeasure over me having to leave for Omega. Her general distaste for these unknowns. Not having total control over me. Or really just not having enough power in our almost-relationship. Almost, almost, almost. I wanted to make it official. I wanted to ask her right now. I wanted to seal us together, all with these reminders of our closeness. Liara's need, her duty to be there for me. Her commitment and her care. Her constant promise to always be what I needed.

She brought my face down to hers, reminding me of our potential together. She let me be this for her, making out with her here and now, right outside the consort's chambers. Liara still gave me this feeling. The one constant in my life. The one person I could never escape. The only one I could see myself forgiving no matter what—no matter my principles, no matter my conscience, no matter my logic. Out of control or not. Following the rules or not. Liara knew how to pull me in to her, feathering my face and loosening my lips over hers. Turning her tongue underneath mine; jolting me from this closeness, tasting her and replacing everything of mine with everything of hers. Her breath, her taste, her touch as mine.

Falling in with her, I felt myself giving up this influence.

I let Liara have it. I gave her everything I could, feeling her enjoyment echoing into my mouth. I could've given her these words, too. This question for her to be mine. This question I felt nearly bursting from my heart. Quickened palpitations; perspirations over my head. More nerves electrocuting, setting me on-edge as I walked up to this edge, this cliff. This close to taking this leap of faith with Liara, emotionally, because of everything I couldn't possibly predict with us. Whatever my fears about the past repeating itself, they didn't matter. I needed her more than I knew. But then she opened her eyes, sensing me.

Liara brushed her fingertips over my lips, sealing. "Not yet," she advised. "Even though I was upset earlier, your words were compelling. You do need to settle things on Omega first. Ask me after that. Let's wait until we're at home together. Home on Thessia at my place. We'll have the time to ourselves."

Stepping back from this edge, I took a steadying breath. "Okay…if that's what you want."

Liara laughed in a bit of mischief, pleased by me.

"It's more that I am hoping you will bring things full-circle. That is the only hint you will get from me."

She then took my hand in hers, gesturing to the nearby entrance to the consort's chambers.

Understanding her hint loud and clear, I let Liara guide me inside the building.

As we walked through the lobby, we passed by Nelyna at the front. She smiled at us as we went along. Liara and I found these familiar faces everywhere. Sha'ira's other acolytes assisting other clients. Some of these clients, I had seen before, having made themselves regulars during their months-long wait to speak with Sha'ira. I saw the same volus complaining about his dating life. I saw the same turian in a suit admitting to how much money he owed and couldn't pay back. I heard everyone else's same old stories about business ventures gone wrong, or failed marriages, or general tales of loss and mourning with the war on. As long as these other clients kept visiting, the war hadn't found them. They would survive this.

Liara's same seat from before remained open, available. Sha'ira stood at the top of the staircase over there. She smiled and waved at us from up there, waiting for me. Liara didn't regard Sha'ira with any jealousy or suspicion. She simply returned that politeness, brushing the fake snowflakes from my hair. Then Liara watched me head upstairs, making this loving choice to wait for me again in patience.

---

Later that night, I wandered around the Citadel on my own. I decided to go Christmas shopping for everyone on the team. Seemed easier to do it now with them asleep on the ship 'at night,' even though the sun on the Citadel never stopped shining. The Citadel itself never slept, with the stores on the Presidium and the Wards employing enough workers for this graveyard shift. I passed through the Presidium to my first stop of the night. Still these artificial snowflakes continued to fall, with the soft sounds of Christmas music playing from the speakers I passed by. Softer at this late hour; not as obnoxious as I'd expected. I walked past a few other holiday shoppers sneaking around at this time, carrying bags around and checking the lists on their omni-tools. A lot of these sneaky shoppers looked like refugees to me—an air of discontent mixed with a visible gratitude to be on the Citadel. Extra incentives to make their friends and families happy with this situation going on.

I made my way to the Citadel Embassies. The Spectre Office there. Checking the special shop here, I found the list of high-powered N7-grade guns. I picked up a Wraith shotgun for Tali, and a Paladin pistol for Liara. I'd thought of the idea the last time we were all here—after our meeting with Udina. Something told me to hold off on buying them just because. This seemed like a better occasion to me.

The real challenge: buying something specific for everyone else. Everyone. Even Traynor and Cortez, despite not knowing much about them. The rest of the team had been warming up to them both. I didn't want to leave anyone out. I also didn't plan on revealing myself as the bearer of these gifts. I preferred giving these to the team in secret. I would give Tali and Liara these N7-grade guns as my normal Christmas gifts to them. They would expect something like this from me, seeing as this was my way of repaying them for the Black Widow they'd gifted me for my birthday. But I also needed to get them their own secrets gifts. The anonymity helped me to not feel so awkward about this whole thing.

Checking over my list, I decided to get Dr. Chakwas' presents first. I wanted to get her two things. If I only purchased one or the other, it wouldn't have been enough for some reason. So I went to Huerta Memorial, the hospital here on the Presidium. I hadn't been here in a long time. Not since the day after Virmire, when Dr. Chakwas had restored Ashley's broken omni-tool. I found the hospital in a strange sense of order at this time of night. Peaceful, not too crowded. Mostly military people coming in and out. I stayed in the quiet lobby, finding this kiosk for Sirta Supplies. I found the best tech to increase personal medi-gel capacity, hoping Dr. Chakwas would appreciate it. Then I returned to the elevator.

This second gift for Dr. Chakwas stumped me. She had vaguely mentioned liking Serrice Ice Brandy, so I wanted to find a bottle for her. Where was I supposed to find one outside of Serrice on Thessia? I searched the Citadel's extranet site, digging around. Then I found some available at the Dark Star lounge down on the Wards. I made the external purchase, sending it to my room on the Normandy.

For Cortez, I found a hand-sized, customizable fighter jet for him to tinker with. Something to do in his spare time, maybe, instead of always hanging out in the cargo hold.

For Traynor, I really didn't know what to get her. She seemed like a huge nerd. As I wandered around these shops on the Wards, I eventually found a suitable present. An actual chessboard. Not one of those holographic ones. Did Traynor like chess? I could only assume she did. I went ahead and bought the chessboard, still feeling uncertain. Maybe I should've asked EDI for some help with this one…

For Joker and Kaidan, I went to a sporting goods and merch store. They both liked baseball, having gone to the last World Series on Earth around my birthday. Garrus had joined them, but I wasn't sure if he liked the game as much as they did. I soon found a nice collection of brand new baseball caps. They had the logos for the teams Joker had mentioned liking in the past. I picked these up for him. Then I found a nice set of vintage jerseys for Kaidan in his size, also of the same teams he liked.

For Garrus, I got him a sleek visor to sharpen his sniping accuracy. Not that he was a bad shot at all. He seemed like an easy person to shop for. I didn't really have to think about his present too much.

For Samara, I bought her a series of books showcasing powerful warriors across the galaxy. Old tales about rune fencers and paladins on Rannoch. Hand-drawn Japanese manga about samurai on Earth. More niche and obscure information about krogan battlemasters like Wrex. I could've found more books about other warriors across my homeworld, like medieval knights and the Mongols, but that would've given me away. Too many stories about Earth and I would've been the obvious culprit.

For Jack, I didn't know what to get her, either. She never talked about her hobbies. Aside from killing people. She had left that life behind. I just knew she wanted to get stronger. She wanted her biotics to be on Liara's level, on Samara's level. So I found a kiosk for the Serrice Council consortium. I picked up a Savant biotic amp. I knew Jack only had a trash-tier amplifier. Some little thing she had bought with her first paycheck from Cerberus on our last mission. This Savant was fully-upgraded. The best of the best.

EDI proved another challenge. I knew she would appreciate hardware upgrades. But which ones? Maybe an equivalent to a biotic amp. An improvement to her omni-tool. These omni-blades caught my eye. A retractable dagger attached to the user's omni-tool. A hidden blade. EDI specialized in frontline combat with her shotgun and tech abilities. So this seemed like a good fit. I was tempted to get an omni-blade for myself, too. Something for emergencies. But now wasn't the best time. Maybe I'd pick one up later.

After checking Legion's gamer tag, I knew exactly what to buy. It had all these competitive games in its history, like Galaxy of Fantasy and N7 Code of Honor: Medal of Duty. It had also recently played a curious title called Fleet and Flotilla: Interactive Cross-Species Relationship Simulator. Legion had logged several hours in this relationship sim, but with a very poor score to show for it. So I bought a few easier dating sim video games, all of them featuring quarians in some way. Multiple-species sims, quarian-only sims, human and quarian sims. All of them with simpler learning curves than that Fleet and Flotilla game.

For Wrex, I also had a good feeling about his gift. He'd made a few off-hand comments about the Normandy's facilities, wishing we'd had more of a gym for working out. So I bought Wrex a cheeky pair of boxing gloves, just to have something to wrap him as a gift. For his actual present, I found a nice punching bag and other equipment to send to the Normandy. We could put these down in the cargo hold. Since Wrex worked in the armory, he could easily go work out during his breaks. I knew this would probably give me away. I still decided to take the risk. A practical gift seemed like the best idea for him.

Lastly, I had these secret gifts to get for Tali and Liara. I got something practical last time for Tali's birthday over the summer. And I had never really given Liara any presents before. Maybe since this was supposed to be a secret, I would get them both something cute. Cute things for my girls. So I went to a plush toy store and searched around. This near-life-sized emperor penguin caught my eye for Tali. Those qiqirn merchants on Rannoch had reminded me of penguins. This toy I picked up looked about the size of my torso. At once firm and squishy to the touch—it looked just like a real penguin, too. I went ahead and bought this for Tali, hoping she would like it. Maybe she'd add it to her huge collection of stuffed toys.

Then I wandered over to the gaming merch section of this store. Searching around, I tried to find something Liara would enjoy. Not that Liara played video games herself. She used to watch me play them. Those memories had brought me over to this part of the plush toy store. The Nintendo area caught my eye. Mario plushies, Donkey Kong plushies, Bowser plushies. I hadn't played any of these games since I was a kid. The most nostalgia found me again when I spotted the Yoshi plush toys. So many different colors of these kind and adorable dinosaurs. Most of them were green and white, as Yoshi's usual signature colors. Smiling wide, I managed to find a white and baby blue one just for Liara. I picked up the Yoshi plush with care, holding it in my arms for a bit. Again, about the same size as my torso. Soft and huggable. Liara could search through my memories, finding me playing Yoshi's Story as a kid. She would know this was from me. I just had to get this for her. I couldn't picture anything else.

Besides, the stroke of a pen had sealed the deal on this gift for her.

As I left this store, I considered getting something for myself. Something from Santa so no one suspected me. I couldn't really decide on anything…

After I sent everyone's presents back to my private cabin, I walked around the Citadel some more. This nostalgia had hit me again. I started missing home, missing Earth. I had never valued my homeworld that much before. I had every reason to feel detached from that place. After my talk with Tevos earlier, I started wondering if I had taken it for granted. Even though my reasons seemed justified, none of that mattered anymore. Not with the Reapers destroying everything I knew. Liara's home on Thessia felt more inviting than ever.

Walking around the Wards, suddenly I felt my eyes drawn somewhere.

Over to a specific place. A specific person there among the thin crowds this late at night.

Two people, really.

Almost like twins.

Twin sisters.

The three of us all stopped in our tracks at the same time.

Those two stared at me in shock.

Miranda and her younger sister Oriana. Ambling along for a late-night walk before they'd spotted me. Well, not Miranda. Solheim as she preferred to call herself now. The same Solheim that had helped me solve that mess with the salarian government. She had on a familiar outfit. That all-black getup like her old Cerberus uniform, with a half-dress that trailed down to one of her heeled boots. The same stylish look she'd had in Insomnia before. A purposeful change of wardrobe as the Illusive Man's heir-apparent.

Just as purposeful, I checked the full extent of my reactions. My reactions to seeing Miranda again.

Such a strangely calming feeling. No suspicions, no reasons to feel alarmed. Just these diluted, muted and physical reactions to seeing my ex again. Tame and acceptable feedback to her attractiveness. But I questioned these reactions of mine. After all, Udina had warned me not to assume anything about her.

Just seeing her again felt insane to me. Like getting on some ridiculous ride. Boarding this crazy, unending train ride of the Cerberus Express. A one-way ticket to her destination.

Not knowing what to believe, I went up to her anyway.

Not knowing what to do now, Miranda and her sister kept staring at me. A pair of deer in headlights. Too much like the dozens of car lights passing by the nearby window—all those skycars crossing along out in the foreground, with the view of the Wards' metropolises in the background. Then Miranda remembered herself. She whispered something urgent to her sister. Then Oriana nodded, leaving to one of the nearby stores. She made sure to smile and wave hello to me as she went. I waved back to her.

Approaching Solheim by herself, neither of us said anything at first.

I stood in place. She stood in place. Just paces away from each other. Completely silent.

She made such a point of avoiding my eyes. Any time I tried to tilt my head in one direction, Solheim would look away. Like playing laser tag with her dark irises, her avoidant gaze. She had also folded her arms. Steel-tight, a strong grip around herself. Whatever emotions she felt, Miranda kept them sealed. And this redness building in her face down to her neck. She could've burned herself alive at any second.

Not wanting this to go on any longer, I leaned down, giving her a hug. I smelled this familiar midnight perfume of hers. The same products in her hair. The same skincare creams she used over her face.

"Hey, you," I said.

Miranda breathed hard against me, steadily unwinding her voice: "Shepard…"

"It's good to see you again."

She steadily unwound her arms, too, wrapping her hold around my back, my shoulders. Clinging a little.

Then she murmured against me, "We live in interesting times. Don't we?"

"A little too interesting," I agreed.

Solheim laughed a bit. Not because of our grand exchange. The novelty of having this again was enough.

Then she pulled away, canted her head away. Sniffling, she brought her gloved hand to her face. She took a minute to fix herself. To collect herself. Shaking her head, taking a deep breath, staring up to the unending ceiling of this section of the Wards. Miranda blinked a few times, making sure she hadn't ruined her light eyeliner or anything. Then she took another breath, finding her composure again.

I prompted her, "So…what should I call you now?"

She laughed some more. "You don't work for me, Shepard. You can call me whatever you'd like. I've never exactly hid my association with Cerberus." Then I noticed she still had that same orange and white Cerberus logo over her chest. "It's no secret that I'm the one who's taken over. But I'm not interested in doing things like my old boss did. I've shut down every single one of our projects that crossed the line. It's better for you to think of us as a regular corporation now. Like Binary Helix. Except we happen to specialize in intergalactic security for humanity, along with our usual scientific and espionage pursuits."

"I just so happen to be speaking to the CEO of a multi-billion credit business, then?"

"I'm not prepared to reveal the extent of our earnings. To answer your question, yes, you can just think of me that way. When my father suddenly passed away, I earned quite the inheritance from him, if you recall. I've taken the resources from his old businesses, shuttered those useless offices, and injected everything he had into this venture. It's his way of paying me back for all the suffering he caused me."

"Does that mean you have your own labs and offices on Noveria now?"

"We do, actually," said Solheim, proud of the information. "Though I probably shouldn't tell you that. Not even five minutes into our conversation and I'm already getting myself into trouble… Oh well."

Interesting.

"But we still have our headquarters at Cronos Station. That's never going to change. Cerberus is focused on other things now. Protecting humanity is at the core of our mission. That includes protecting you."

"What do you mean by that?"

Miranda gave me a coy smile. "I'm sure you'll see one day, Commander. We'll leave it as a surprise."

Fine. "Then what are you doing on the Citadel? Looking after your sister?"

"Yes, I'm on a break for the holidays. I moved Oriana and her family here as soon as I could. Thank goodness I did, because Illium isn't faring too well these days… We both know what happened to Earth. I'm concerned my sister's home will end up the same way. Even my own apartment. Maybe this is selfish, but I have to ask. Do you have any plans to get rid of the Reaper forces out in the Terminus?"

I stared at Solheim, blank-faced.

I couldn't give her any details about my mission with the Alliance. Not with so much up in the air between us. She may have given Cerberus a face lift. She may have chosen to give me confidential information about her own inner-dealings. But I didn't know. I just didn't know if I could trust her.

Solheim hummed in amusement. "So you're playing it like that, are you?"

"I'm not playing anything, Solheim," I emphasized.

"Then what's this about? You know me. You'd know if you couldn't trust me. It's either yes or no."

Testing the waters some more, I asked her, "What did you do to the Illusive Man?"

Such a dangerous glint in her eyes.

"You already know the answer to that, Shepard. Don't make me say it out loud."

Like pulling teeth.

What was the point of this?

Sensing my resentments, Miranda placated me: "Listen, let's not talk about that. I wanted to express my condolences…about Anderson. And Shiala as well. Her disappearance just came out of nowhere. She was admittedly a minor figure in our lives, but I did look to her for guidance before. What happened to her was awful. She never did anything to anyone. Such a senseless death…"

Knowing all she didn't know, I couldn't possibly say anything in response.

"I was very upset when I heard the news. I also understand there's to be a memorial service for her on Thessia. On Christmas Eve. Just around the corner. Do you plan on attending the service with Liara?"

…

"Oh," deadpanned Solheim, catching herself. "Another non-response from you. So clearly that's a yes."

"Damnit, Miranda, I didn't say anything!"

"You didn't have to. For God's sake, Shepard, you're acting like we're total strangers! As if I don't know everything about you! How to read you, how to predict what you'll say or won't say. Just because we broke up, that doesn't mean our knowledge about each other suddenly disappeared in the winds!"

She couldn't read absolutely everything about me.

That was all I cared about.

Solheim scoffed in impatience, complaining, "You're so strange sometimes…"

"If you really want us to be honest, then answer my next question."

"Hmm, all right. Ask away."

I needed to know, "Will you finally explain why you sent me those engagement rings?"

Curling her smile into her mouth, she replied, "Because I wanted Liara to find them. Why else?" Even though I'd figured this out already, hearing the actual answer still threw me for a loop. "Shepard, don't be naïve. You know good and well how much I despised your last girlfriend. Or did you believe I was above sabotaging your relationship? I wasn't. Call me jealous or hateful all you'd like. I did what I did."

"The thought never occurred to me either way."

"Well, something needed to be done. I wanted Liara to get her act together. To stop sitting on the sidelines and letting your ex run things. Remember, she and I were close friends for a time. I know how much of a firebrand she is, deep down. I could see her stirring the necessary drama to get you back. All she needed was a bit of encouragement. If I couldn't have you, then Liara is the only one I would accept instead. She can give you what you need. If my sources are correct, it looks like my wish came true."

Judging from Solheim's smugness, I found her state of mind.

She still operated under the assumption that she was my protector. She still didn't know the truth. And so, in her eyes, changing my romantic partner would essentially be meaningless. Miranda must have seen herself as a queenmaker in this case. Very smart of her. Calculating as ever. Ultimately misguided.

I had to ask, "Will you ever sabotage what I have with her? Or are you leaving this alone?"

"You're happy with her. I'm staying out of it. I promise my focus is with Cerberus. Building up resources. Ensuring my people remain loyal to me. Cleaning up my organization's image. You know, the works."

"I believe you."

"I hope you do."

"Then I'd like your professional opinion on something."

Solheim obliged, "I'm all ears."

I posed a Very Plausible Scenario: "So about Omega. In the event Aria ever lost control of her station…"

"Shepard, spare me the hypotheticals," she scolded. "I have my reports on the situation. Nyreen Kandros and her Talon mercs seized control of Omega—along with a large contingent of Aria's previously-loyal fleets. Except Nyreen and her people are running out of supplies. The entire station will starve within the next week if they don't get out of there. No one banked on the Reapers showing up."

"How are they running out of supplies so quickly?"

"Well, Omega is an extractive economy with its various mining stations around every corner. They don't grow much locally. They rely on food imports by trading with colonies across the Terminus Systems. Obviously, no one is trading with them while the Reapers are causing havoc right outside. But even then, they do have several emergency storage locations for food and such. My guess is that Aria is the only one who's able to access these emergency stores of supplies. Nyreen either has no clue where they are, or she can't open them herself. A clever failsafe against someone usurping Aria's rule. But a cruel outcome for the regular people on her station. Everyone is starving. Not just Nyreen and her people."

"Then let's assume Nyreen was blindsided by these logistical issues. Why do you think she took over?"

Miranda speculated: "Aria certainly brought many positive changes to Omega. She improved the citizens' standard of living across the board. Petty crime disappeared. Homelessness dropped to near-zero. But Nyreen may have suspected Aria would take everything back in a heartbeat one day. More than likely, in the event the two of you broke up. She assumed Aria wouldn't care anymore, seeing as those changes were clearly inspired by you—not wanting to repeat the terrible conditions of your childhood. Taking over Omega was a preventative measure to help the citizens. Nyreen knows Aria perhaps better than you ever did. If I had to bet a large sum of credits, I'd point to these exact reasons."

That made sense to me.

"You know, Shepard, this isn't unlike my own reasoning years ago. With the Lazarus Project. I reasoned that Ashley couldn't be trusted with such a grave responsibility. Protecting you in that way. So I took over the job myself. It's likely Nyreen made a similar calculation. Just with Omega's people instead."

Even still, I wondered if I should speak to Nyreen on my own. I knew Nyreen would end up dead if Aria found her at Afterlife. If I didn't have time to help her, then I'd just have to blitz Beelzebub like I did with Belphegor. Then retreat back to the Citadel. I'd have to read the situation; judge everything carefully.

Solheim knew. "Listen, I know you won't share your plans with me. I can already sense your preparations. You get oddly focused whenever you're making up your mind about something. It's nice."

"I should get going soon," I said. "One last thing before I do. Are you serious about this Cerberus thing?"

"I understand your concerns. Cerberus screwed you over. The Illusive Man constantly lied to us both, kept us in the dark. We nearly lost you to the Collectors months ago… You have every reason to be wary of us. I only wish you'd start associating Cerberus with me instead of the Illusive Man's past mistakes."

"So Cerberus is you? You are Cerberus?"

"Yes, that's exactly it."

"How?"

Solheim explained in patience, "For all my disagreements with him, the Illusive Man was right about one thing. Cerberus is an idea. An idea that won't die so easily. All I've done is change that idea for the better. This is about my unwavering belief in you as a beacon for humanity. It's about the advancement and preservation of humanity through you and your accomplishments. Nothing more, nothing less."

Those sentiments touched me, but I couldn't show it.

She smiled at me anyway, touching my arm in tenderness.

"I've something more I wanted to ask you about. But I know you have to get going. I'd better get back to my sister and see her home. I'll be on the Citadel for a little while. Promise me you won't be a stranger."

This implied question of whether or not I'd forgiven her from before.

I had already forgiven Miranda over the summer.

Still I told her, "I'll think about it."

Solheim accepted my distrust with grace. "Your consideration is all I could hope for. Thank you, Shepard. Whatever you decide, I'll keep watching your progress throughout the war. I've no doubts you'll continue to impress me."

Watching her go, I stared after my ex as she returned to her sister. The two of them continued on toward the refugee housing. Miranda glanced back at me as she went. She seemed much more confident now. Almost like her old confidence I remembered as she escorted Oriana back home.

I went in the opposite direction, taking the rapid transit back to the Normandy's docking bay. I needed to hide all those Christmas presents in my room. Someplace where Liara couldn't find them. And I definitely needed to shower, change my clothes. Better yet, I had to put my entire uniform through the dry cleaner. Because I already knew: if Liara smelled Miranda's perfume on me, I would have hell to pay.

---

After changing my uniform and eating a bit, I found a secluded spot on the Presidium to hang out. I climbed to the roof of one of the covered walkways between buildings. The few skycars at this hour breezed overhead in the winds. I kept my tactical cloak up, lying over this white surface raised above the Presidium's lake. I stared up at the artificial sky sleeting down this artificial snow. I spent a long time thinking about Christmas, thinking about my exes. This general lack of excitement for Christmas had followed me since my childhood. The holiday's special magic had never found me. Not even as a kid.

Having to grow up so quickly, I'd never had those freedoms. The freedoms to just be a kid.

Maybe that was why I didn't have many fond memories of Earth.

Maybe that was why I was just now homesick for the first time in my life—and only after something like the Reapers had invaded my home.

I also wondered about Miranda after seeing her again. Wondering how much I missed her. If I felt homesick, in a way, over what we'd had before. I missed her the same way I had over the summer. From this distance. Not wanting to go out of my way to speak to her, but also not keen on avoiding her forever. I would be fine with seeing Solheim or speaking to her every now and then. As a…colleague? Not strictly a member of my team. Not a friend, yet not an acquaintance, either. Not a total stranger.

I still needed to figure out if I could trust her or not.

Such a strange coincidence, too, running into Miranda right before Omega. Tying this neat little bow on my past with Aria, I had a decent contrast. Whereas I didn't mind having Solheim in my life again, I didn't feel the same about Aria for some reason. Not even from a distance. I still had my plans to leave for Omega later on today. I still had my same plans to avoid interacting with Aria during my visit. Maybe I would have to follow after her. Maybe I would have to sneak behind her for shortcuts. But nothing more. No conversations. No explanations. No continuations. Not after the way I'd reacted to our end.

By the time midday rolled around, I had nailed down these feelings and judgments of mine.

Packaged neatly, compartmentalized properly just in time. Right in time for what I wanted with Liara.

I didn't have to worry about bringing the past into my relationship with her.

But I did still need to warn her about Solheim. Liara needed to know she was here; that I'd talked to her.

'Shepard, what are you doing up there?'

Hearing Liara's bemused voice in my head, I looked around, making sure I still had my tactical cloak up.

I did.

She could still spot me anyway.

Standing up now, I looked down and found Liara down at the Meridian Place Market. She faced my general direction, standing there with her hands over her hips, clearly thinking me strange and expecting an explanation. Meanwhile, the shoppers at the market passed her by, thinking Liara was weird for staring out at nothing; they couldn't see me up here. She didn't notice them, focused on me.

I spoke out loud beneath the skycars out here, knowing she could hear me normally:

"Sorry, babe… I'll be right down."

Liara's skeptical hum rang in my head. Then she leaned against the railing by the shops there, watching the scenery. She waited for me to come and find her.

Uncloaked and back to normal now, I soon found Liara at this little spot she'd claimed. She gave me a look of bemusement from over her shoulder. So I went up behind her, holding Liara around her waist.

I nestled my face against hers, the warmth of her skin over mine. "You think I'm weird, don't you?"

Liara laughed a bit. "I think you would make a wonderful hermit. Not that I want you to be one."

"Of course you don't," I murmured, wandering my hand down her waist. "You'd miss this too much."

Shy all of a sudden, she swatted my hand away. "Shepard, don't… We're in public."

"You know what they say. It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for. You and I are both quiet, so…"

Liara laughed even more this time—probably more than she expected to. Then she turned around in my hold. She stared up at me in our closeness, trying to figure me out. I pressed my hands along the railing behind her, leaning my weight there; leaning closer to her, closer. Only a breath away now, Liara's eyes tracked every long curve, every obscure pore of my face. All while her brow kept raising up, raising up.

"You seem different today," she observed. "Did something happen?"

"Yes, but it's not related to this. I'll tell you later."

"Okay. Then what is it? What's brightened your mood?"

"Can't I just be happy to see you again?"

Thoughtful in her enjoyment, Liara replied, "You can be, yes. I suppose I'm not used to it. First I find you hiding out-of-bounds on a rooftop. Now you won't stop smiling at me. You do tend to be more serious."

"The thing is, Liara. In case you didn't notice… I really like you."

Then she giggled, still not believing any of this.

"Well, I like you, too. Especially when you manage to surprise me."

While Liara basked in this moment, I glanced behind her to Apollo's Café. The place didn't look too busy today. Despite the usual rush hour at lunchtime, maybe I could finally take Liara there for a meal.

Apparently, she had already beat me to it. "Our table should be ready now, Shepard. I ordered for us ahead of time. That is why I went looking for you. Would you like to join me?"

I held Liara's hand, walking with her over to our table.

She had found us a nice spot nearest to the lake. Relatively secluded from the rest of the courtyard and the markets. Already our plates of food awaited us, covered and freshly-made. Pleasantly surprised by this, I pulled out Liara's chair for her to sit first. She adored me in patience as I sat down next to her.

Liara had purposely ordered salads for both of us—and warm herbal tea.

The exact same thing Miranda had ordered during our date here months ago.

"Are you sending a message?" I wondered, waiting for Liara to take a bite.

"Maybe," she teased. "I know what you wanted to bring up for later. About seeing her again."

"Yeah, we just ran into each other in the late-early morning. I wasn't expecting it."

"We don't have to discuss it now. I want to enjoy this with you. Do you plan on leaving today?"

"For Omega? Yes. Later on."

Liara covered up her worries, instead telling me, "Well, when you return, we'll leave for Thessia. I've been rather anxious about it. Each time we visited my home before, your attentions were elsewhere."

"Not this time," I pointed out.

"No, not this time…"

I watched Liara take a small forkful of her salad, eating slowly. I noticed the tiniest details about her. How she'd pressed her lips together as she chewed and swallowed—iron-tight—not letting anything show. The slight petulance there in her lips, her mouth, her expression. How not even the silver gleam of the floor beneath us had reached her eyes, normally shining in beauty and freedom. Liara wouldn't meet my eyes, either. This unusual edge about her stare made her mood clear to me.

Liara expected the worst now.

Soon on my way to help Aria from the shadows—and I had bumped into Miranda earlier?

I didn't blame Liara for feeling this way. For expecting something to happen, something to change.

So I brought up a safe topic of conversation. "Do people celebrate Christmas on your homeworld?"

Liara perked up, finding comfort in my easy tone.

"We didn't before," she replied. "This year is different now that Thessia has welcomed so many of Earth's refugees. Also, when you say the word Christmas, the more literal translation for me is Starlight Celebration. That's just what my people have learned to think of it as. The religious meaning with Christianity is lost on most asari. We tend to view your holiday as more of a secular occasion."

"That's not too far off, actually. It's kind of lost the religious meaning over the centuries."

"Yes, I've noticed the same. What does the holiday mean for you, Shepard?"

"Consumerism," I droned without a hint of irony.

Liara laughed over my cynicism. "You mean Christmas shopping?"

"Well, yeah. All the corporations are happy whenever Christmas rolls around. That pressure to get presents for friends and family and whoever else. I'm convinced that's the real holiday spirit."

So innocent of her: "You don't have any fond childhood memories of this time of year?"

"Honestly? I don't remember."

Catching the snow in her hand, Liara promised, "Then we'll just have to make new memories together."

"I'd like that. You have anything in mind for us?"

"On Christmas night, there's a special party going on at a very nice location. I want us to go."

"What kind of party?" I asked.

Liara gestured with air quotes. "It is a 'costume party.'"

Smirking, I mimicked her quotes. "A 'costume party,' huh? You mean for adults?"

"Yes, an adults-only occasion. We would have to wear masks as well. I think it will be fun."

"Babe, have you ever been to a party before? Aside from those little get-togethers with the team."

Liara averted her eyes in more shyness. "No, I haven't… This will be my first time. With you."

"And our first stop is an X-rated party?"

"I don't see why not," she justified. "Things will be easier with a mask on. No one will see our faces. We could invite the team to come along as well. But they wouldn't necessarily recognize either of us."

"Oh, all right. I see where you're going with this. Do you have a costume in mind for me?"

Liara gave me an impish smile. "I do. It will be a surprise. I'll give you more information on the day of."

"Hmm, okay… You seem like you have more tricks up your sleeve. Are you planning something else?"

"The team is collectively planning something. We would like to ask for your permission about it. Once we finish eating, I'll bring you to everyone. They asked us to meet them at the Silversun Strip. I am guessing you will have to leave for Omega afterward…"

I had a feeling I knew what this something was about.

Sipping my herbal tea, the warmth from the mostly-covered cup hovered up to my forehead. This comfortable haze misted my view of Liara doing the same. She seemed to mirror me. Not on purpose. I felt her assuming the worst again. She seemed to vacillate from place to place, spiritually. Liara wondered if she could show me the full spectrum of her displeasure. If I would get turned off by her deeply personal feelings with this. These personal feelings she had no control over and couldn't change.

"Liara, I'm listening. Tell me what's on your mind."

Stern, disapproving. "Do you miss her? Miranda, I mean."

"Not like that. It was nice seeing her again, but I don't want to get back on this Cerberus Express any more than you do."

"Then how did you run into her? I only sensed her proximity to you several hours ago. I could have looked deeper, but it felt wrong. I would have done it if I didn't trust you. So please, tell me the rest."

"Her sister's staying at the refugee housing in the Wards. Miranda's just staying with her temporarily for the holidays. Then I guess it's back to work at Cerberus doing who knows what. She tried to tell me what the organization's up to these days. I couldn't tell her everything about our mission. It was awkward."

Liara seemed like she wanted to ask more questions about this. Several more questions.

A harsh bout of self-consciousness kept her from saying anything more. Too aware of how she came off.

Then again, maybe she would've actually spoken her mind if she was my girlfriend. Not yet.

So I simply reminded her, "Remember back in the day when I was last here, on that date with her. This was after Illium. After we spoke with Shiala and she basically said you were waiting for me. I knew we could bring you back. And I was a nervous wreck over seeing you again. Panicking, having anxiety attacks. I hadn't properly mourned you, let alone accepted that I still had feelings about you. We both know how that went. I can never forget you. Especially not now. I've already changed my perspective."

Calmed by my words, Liara asked me, "How have you changed your perspective, then?"

"I want to be this person for you. I want us to go through life's challenges together. I need us to be a team. I know I'm not the best at compromising. I'm more than willing to do it for you when you need it."

"I believe you, Shepard," she whispered. "I have wanted to hear you say that for a long time. I suppose I kept blaming myself. Maybe things would have turned out differently…if I hadn't changed so much during the time we were separated. Once you brought me back, I wasn't the same anymore. I know I frightened you. But now I accept it wasn't meant to be at the time. We both needed to forgive one another without expectations. We couldn't do it just for the sake of getting back together. You and I needed to be friends first. Even if our friendship was romantic and sexual; restrained and repressed. Now with everything that's come up, I feel the worst parts of myself rising to the surface. I don't like it."

"I get what you're saying, Liara. That's what our stay at home is for. A chance for us to reset and unwind. We can leave this behind and make new memories together. Just like you said. I want that for us. I hate that we have to go through this first. I also think it's important. You need to see that you can trust me."

Eyes glimmering as blue diamonds; two hearts of the ocean.

Liara smiled at me in a beautiful optimism, hopeful for the future.

After our date together, Liara brought me to the Citadel's Silversun Strip. We hadn't been here in a while. Not since those rocky days of our relationship before. I had started something with someone else thinking I had moved on. I had convinced myself that Liara had changed for the worst, and that nothing she could've done would change my mind. Too caught up in my judgments, I had stopped considering her feelings. How my actions and the freezing cold shoulder I'd given had affected her.

We found the team standing around in one of the plazas. Off to the side and away from the main thoroughfare, this outdoor gathering spot didn't look too bad. Joker, Garrus, Kaidan, and Wrex stood in the center together with EDI, the five of them conspiring about something. Tali, Legion, Samara, and Jack hung out just nearby. Cortez and Traynor had joined everyone, too. I actually heard everyone speaking at a normal volume compared to the shouting from the rest of the strip. The team soon stopped their discussions, waving Liara and me over to them.

"Liara, Shepard!" said Joker. "Sweet, you made it!"

Kaidan greeted us, "Hey, glad you're here! Liara, you're amazing for getting Shepard to come along!"

Liara replied in caution, "I didn't actually tell her what this is about…"

As the rest of the group congregated around us, smiles abound, I narrowed my eyes in suspicion.

I spoke up, "What's going on?"

Tali told me, "It's this secret thing EDI and the guys came up with. What they suggested, anyway."

"Then what is it?"

Jack just came out and said it: "They want us to do that Secret Santa thing. You know, where we all get one person to buy a present for? Sounds kinda lame but I dunno. Joker and Kaidan swear it'll be fun."

Oh…

Joker begged me, "C'mon, Shepard, please?! We never got to do anything like this before. There was always some dark cloud hanging over us. The cloud's gone this year, so we should make the most of it!"

EDI chimed in, "I asked Mordin to join, but he asserted the importance of focusing on his patient. Dr. Chakwas also declined, although she volunteered to provide recommendations for gift purchases. She would have to stay impartial in order to do this."

Traynor asked in reluctance, "Are you sure you'd like for Cortez and me to join? We haven't been with you for very long…"

Garrus insisted, "Don't think like that. We're all part of the team. It's why we asked you here."

"That's really nice of you, Garrus," said Cortez. "But maybe I should sit this one out? Just noticed we have an odd number of people. I don't mind staying on the sidelines."

"Oh, you're right. We'd need an even number for this to work, huh?"

Samara gently pointed out, "This will all be irrelevant without the commander's permission."

Beaming at me, Liara asked, "What is your verdict, Shepard?"

Considering I had a scheme of my own going—having bought presents for everyone already—I didn't have much room to tell them no. Not that anyone needed to know the specifics.

"Fine by me."

Kaidan blurted out, "Really?! Just like that, you'll let us do it?"

Joker admitted, "I thought we'd have to spend all day making our case. Oh well. Thanks, Commander!"

I just glanced off to the side, knowing not to say anything.

Legion tilted its head at me in curiosity, possibly seeing past my façade.

EDI used her omni-tool to run a program. "I will randomly assign partners for each of us. The results will be anonymous even to me. When you receive your Secret Santa partner, please refrain from reacting in a way that would reveal the person's identity. If you are uncertain of what to purchase your partner, remember to consult with Dr. Chakwas for assistance."

I pondered over my fortune with this Secret Santa assignment.

Her name seemed to smile up at me from my omni-tool:

Liara

I definitely took this as a sign. A positive sign for things to come.

While the rest of the team went to hang out together, I went my own way. I knew I had to get going soon. I needed to gear up before leaving to the asari councilor's small fleet of ships. As soon as her crew brought me aboard, Tevos would give Aria the signal to head out. Liara agreed to meet me at the asari councilor's private docking bay. To see me off; to say goodbye.

After getting ready, and arranging for a few surprises for Liara, I met her at the docking bay.

She dragged her feet about this a little. She didn't want to let me go. She didn't want to stay behind.

I needed Liara to hold down the fort while I was gone. She knew the same, and so she stayed quiet about her misgivings.

Missing her already, I held Liara in my arms. She leaned into me as much as she could. She closed her eyes, savoring me. This closeness of ours; the way she felt. These waves as continuations: the crests over her head, the roundness of her back nearest to her shoulder blades, concaving into these curves of her. Unique in her gentleness, so sweet in her yearning for me.

"Don't worry, I'll be back."

Needing me closer, Liara brought me down to kiss her. Always this fragile taste of her vulnerability. This addiction of mine, unlocked and growing, soaring. Even more once she spoke her simplest feelings, all in this smooth cadence of her voice, inescapable.

"I love you, Shepard."

"I love you, too."

She wanted to say more; to give me more.

To bring me back that much sooner, Liara let me go for now. She watched me board this ship. She watched this vessel leave with the small fleet, prepared to follow Aria's ship to Omega. I had every reason to settle this mission as quickly as I could.