"Home Sweet Home" from Final Fantasy XV: Episode Prompto
LXXXI. Journey's End
(Shepard)
A much-needed rest, a respite. A brief end to our journey, as a break, before starting anew next week.
We had so much to look forward to. Spending the time at Liara's house in Armali, her same childhood home from before. So much…and yet it all seemed so fleeting after Apollo's failed suicide mission on the Citadel.
Liara had led the charge admirably. She'd stepped up as my second-in-command, pulling off an incredible victory—not only for the Citadel, but for all of our allied forces. Apollo's defeat had met our expectations. We already had reports coming in from the turians, from the resistance on Earth, and even from the salarians about the enemy's lowered morale, making their battles much more manageable than before. Everyone across the galaxy felt hopeful. Hopeful that we could win this war.
Except I stood here in the med bay, back aboard the Normandy, devoid of hope.
Maybe I shouldn't have felt this way. Dr. Chakwas had given me plenty of reasons to hope.
I just couldn't find those feelings right now.
Not as I stared down at Liara's unconscious form, in such a deep sleep over this bed. Exhausted after the battle. Physically drained, needing to recover. Even most of the color had drained from her face. As peaceful as she appeared in her sleep, Liara's expression had lost most of her natural hues. Lighter and lighter blues from what I remembered. Only some of those colors had returned to her in this time. This time of our flight from the Citadel to Thessia in asari space. We would reach Armali in the next hour.
I still couldn't help the way I felt.
This strange, potent mixture of confusion and pain. A cognitive dissonance. I had always known I could count on Liara for anything. Our ups and downs aside, she had always been there for me. Liara had always been right by my side. So to see her like this, knowing I couldn't just call to her and she would wake up again… I felt myself blinking back these tears. I choked away these emotions burgeoning in my throat. I had to, because I wasn't alone. Eve and Mordin still resided in the med bay—at least over there, on the other side. They watched me, seemingly sympathizing with me, worrying for me. And Tali stood by my side. She worried for Liara, and she worried for me. Dr. Chakwas had tried to remind me of those reasons from earlier—"Liara will wake soon, Commander. She will not be out for too long"—but I hadn't really listened. Dr. Chakwas had even placed her hand along my back, rubbing along my shoulder blade in support. Even then, I couldn't take my eyes from Liara's sleeping form. I couldn't look away from her.
I ignored this burning pain searing through my limbs. The same effects from the overstimulation. Taking down two Reapers back to back. Beelzebub and then Apollo only a few hours apart from one another.
I shouldn't have been able to stand at all.
Yet here I stayed at Liara's side, beyond anxious for her to wake up again.
"Shepard," sounded Tali's voice, somehow getting through to me. "I know you're worried. Are you keeping Dr. Chakwas' words in mind?" Not really… "Listen, I can tell you're hurting, too. Physically, I mean. After the Reapers, you must be in some kind of pain. You should at least take some meds."
"Okay, Tali…"
Blinking back more of my confusion, I searched through the meds in my omni-tool. Liara couldn't give me another one of those hot-cold treatments just yet. So I settled for taking some painkillers. Anything to hold me over for now. I knew it wouldn't last long. This pain would catch up to me soon enough.
Too determined, I put the rest to the back of my mind.
I kept my focus on Liara as the Normandy touched down on Thessia.
I wanted to get her home. I wanted Liara to rest in her own bed. I wanted her to recover in peace.
Knowing I still had permissions to unlock Liara's home, I brought her with me. I carried Liara in my arms as we left the Normandy. Just the two of us for now. The rest of the team would drop by later on. And as I passed through this docking bay, heading outside to Armali's late evening, I fought against this weakness of mine. This urge to stop, to drop, to kneel to this pain everywhere. Clutching Liara closer to me, I refused to give in. I passed through Thessia's eternal sunset's dream, the blaze and haze of vermillion raying through the skies, as if isolated. Isolated without Liara's consciousness. Isolated on her homeworld—as it seemed so empty here. No one else around. No one else I could see. Like the other asari on this planet had all departed, leaving Liara and me as the only ones around. Just us, alone.
This solitary journey, I took back to Liara's home. Walking through the city. Out to the peaceful park area, with only her childhood home standing between the acres of grass and trees. This painful, comforting relief of our brief end. Coming back home after such a long journey. Even though I'd been to Liara's house before—recognizing the rise of the large glass mansion across the horizon—this somehow felt like the first time. The first time I'd really come home with Liara, ever, and yet she couldn't wake up.
Not yet.
Not yet.
Soon, Dr. Chakwas had said. Maybe a few more hours. Liara's natural resilience would pull her through.
Until then, I pulled at the last of my strength, pushing onward to the front door of her home.
Maybe mine, too, from these lingering permissions.
Recognizing my credentials, the door unlocked for me. For the both of us. Escaping the faint sunlight from outside, I retreated inside with Liara still in my arms. This clean, neutral smell surrounded us. Such an impossible space untouched and untainted by visitors for the months since our last visit—just before Project Overlord, before our suicide mission against the Collectors.
Laboring, loving, I carried Liara through. I dragged my legs through this entrance room. Down the hallway. Past the smaller living room, my memories fresh: my conversation with Kaidan there during our first mission, assessing his mental fitness; ultimately deciding to get him to the hospital back on Earth in my hometown. Past the larger living room, my memories hazy and frazzled: spending time with Ash in there. Sitting on the couch, playing video games as she'd watched. Past the guest bathroom just across from the living room: vaguer memories of Ashley shoving me out to this hallway, of me laughing in delight over her frustrations with me. Why did I laugh that day? I couldn't remember anything else. Probably for the best. Anything else would've pissed me off; caused me too much pain. More pain. More laboring, struggling, forcing—step by step—as I considered stopping in the living room. Setting Liara down on the couch to rest with me. But that didn't seem good enough. Not in my eyes. She deserved to rest in her bed. Not to settle for the couch because I wasn't strong enough to get upstairs to her room.
Rounding from the hallway, I reached these stairs.
This flight of stairs leading up to the next hall. Liara's bedroom awaited up there.
Setting my foot over the first step, I sucked in a breath. This simple bend of my leg. And no more. I couldn't move. Frozen, fractured. The intensity of these forces working against me, against my own limbs. A harsher gravity pushing down on me. It took everything I had to not drop Liara to these stairs. To not let her slip and fall. To not let her out of my arms. I grit my teeth and pulled from my willpower. Deeper than ever, I had to. After everything, I couldn't let these fucking stairs defeat me like this.
Leaning against the nearest wall, I forced a compromise. Leaning my weight there, sliding and forcing myself along by my shoulder, I used this leverage. Full-body motions up the steps. One step at a time.
Forcing and forcing, pushing and pushing, I focused past the pain.
I promised myself, and promised, each step of the way:
If the Reapers ever made it to Thessia—weeks from now, months from now—then I knew I'd have to do this. I'd have to push through whatever agony had vined through me by then. I would force myself to press on. As I did now. One step at a time. One step, the next step, and the next. Anything for Liara. Anything to save her, to protect her homeworld. Anything for her comfort. For her own peace of mind.
Reaching this goal, I reached her bedroom.
The door again unlocked and opened for me.
These last efforts. Getting Liara over to her holo-closet. Walking, stepping. An eternal difficulty. Too much of my strength needed just to do what should've been normal. Changing Liara into the comfort of her N7 shirt. And then reaching her bed. A few more steps. A few more choking breaths. Her weight.
Cradling her in one arm, I reached down to her bed, moving her duvet aside. Gentle, with the utmost care, I set Liara down within her sheets. I settled her head over her pillow, glad that some of the color had returned to her gorgeous face. Somehow she smiled in her sleep. Uninterrupted. Unbothered.
Needing some of the same, I crawled in bed with her.
Or I collapsed there beside her. I couldn't tell. Wiped out.
Resting beside Liara now, listening to her deep breathing, I thought over everything that had happened.
I should've known the Reapers would try to pull something while I was gone. I'd been too focused on getting in and out of Omega for Liara's sake, I hadn't considered the real possibility. The only possibility.
After the mission, I didn't get the chance to speak with Solheim. To thank her for helping Liara out. Without her, Liara wouldn't have lasted as long as she had. I figured I owed Solheim a thing or two now. A favor. I didn't want to be indebted to her. But she had stepped up and made the necessary sacrifices. The team had been able to count on her again. Cerberus or not, it seemed like we could trust her now.
I looked over at Liara sleeping soundly. Then I swallowed my pride and opened up my omni-tool.
To: Miranda – Thank you for your help.
Solheim,
I really appreciate what you did. Helping the team out with the Reapers. You didn't have to do that for us. Liara's recovering just fine. She wouldn't have survived without you. I can't thank you enough.
How are you holding up after the attack? Are you okay?
If there's anything I can do to pay you back, please let me know.
-Shepard
.
From: Miranda – Re: Thank you for your help.
Shepard,
I appreciate your message. But you don't need to thank me. It was the least I could do. Certainly better than hanging around on the Citadel in that chaos. That uncertainty. I still remember how powerless I felt. Not having any information, any reports or intel. Apollo had caught me completely off-guard. I despise feeling unprepared, as I'm sure you know… It's given me a lot to think about as I plan my next move.
Aside from that, I suppose I'm doing just fine. As well as I can be, all things considered. I'm glad to hear Liara's recovering as well. Sounds like she'll be back on her feet in no time. I can only imagine how you're feeling after Beelzebub and Apollo back-to-back. Please be sure to get some rest while you can.
As for your offer, I can't come up with anything right now. Let me consider it. I'll get back to you on that.
Maybe this is inappropriate. I miss you, Shepard. You're constantly on my mind…and I'm officially being ridiculous. I should end this message and get myself another drink. I'm sorry for bothering you with this.
-Miranda
.
Drinking her troubles away.
Not a good sign.
As much as I worried for Miranda, I stopped myself from reaching out to her again. From asking more questions. From telling her the truth that I still cared, and that I wanted her to be okay.
Opening up that dialog didn't seem wise to me.
Even in her deep sleep, Liara found a way to get my attention. She turned over and curled up against me. Holding me around my neck, wedging the bend of her leg over my knee, Liara needed me closer. A clear sign that she felt safe with me—no matter what. Endless heat misted from my face; my heart melted in my chest. I settled my arm around her shoulders, and I held this bend of her leg over mine, adoring the smoothness of her skin. A comfortable arousal. Slow and simmering enough to let me sleep.
Sometime the next morning, Liara's movements pulled me out of my dream. That same white-colored forest I kept seeing. No one else around, although I'd sensed someone else's presence. Before I could find them, Liara had drifted me from my dream. Fully awake now, she pressed her smile to my face, nudging me to open my eyes. Pleased and contented, I felt Liara's gratitude through her every move, her every touch. Thanking me for getting her here; thanking me for saving her back against Apollo, too.
"Shepard, are you awake now?"
Locked up in my own body, isolated with this pain, all I could do was groan.
Fainter and fainter Liara's voice sounded—her concern, her alarm. I couldn't open my eyes like she wanted me to. I felt the gracious warmth of her palms over my face. She kept turning my head this way and that, asking me questions I couldn't hear. A muffled sound of her voice; vague measurements of her tone, her emotions. Something-something—"breakfast;" "everything's going to be fine;" "I love you."
I didn't realize Liara had hurried downstairs to make breakfast for the two of us.
I felt my heart throbbing as much as my head did. Pressurized by love and this laboring as I lay in place.
Drips of taste in my mouth, along my tongue. Vaguer realizations of Liara feeding me. A rich taste of a salty, seasoned broth slipping down my throat—the welcome warmth of a liquid fireplace. I would only swallow once she settled her trembling hand along my throat. Such a vulnerable part of my body. Anyone else could have asphyxiated me, killed me like this. Not with Liara's frightened touch. Her concern for me, always. She had her hopes, though. Hopeful enough to keep caring for me, even after my fed meal from her. Liara asked for my permission first—to give me another one of those full-body massages, as a hot-cold treatment. Somewhere, I managed to nod in acceptance, not entirely present enough to do much more. I didn't mind at all once Liara started removing my clothes. Not everything.
Eventually, Liara turned me over on my stomach. I soon felt the soft consideration of her weight straddling my back, my waist. This sex of her uncensored, gently soaking along the elastic band of my boxer briefs. The heat of her body temperature, her legs wrapped around mine. The effort from Liara putting her back into her every move; the softness of her breasts beneath her shirt pressing along my shoulder blades. She shouldn't have aroused me like this. Not with this constant pain assaulting me all over. The pain started to subside. Replaced by the gentleness of Liara's focus, her care for me. Chilled or heated depending on her program's settings. Kneading down the length of my back; encircling those elements, those temperatures deeper into my skin. The hot and the cold settled down into my muscles.
Sensing my gradual recovery, Liara soothed me more with her words.
"I meant to tell you before. Thank you for the flowers you sent yesterday. And the lovely letter you wrote for me. They were such a wonderful surprise. I had to stop myself from crying in front of Traynor when she delivered them to me. I could tell she was jealous." I hadn't planned on Traynor making that delivery. "Your style of romance is very practical, you know. Before I met you, I found it hard to take romantic displays seriously. It all seemed like a fantasy. Escapism. Nothing I could actually rely on. Your certainty moves me the most. The safety and security you promised. I need to know you'll be here."
I wanted to tell her I wasn't going anywhere.
Liara seemed to sense my intentions, anyway. She smiled more, moving to massage my arms this time.
"You have a high tolerance for pain, Shepard. Maybe that is what makes it easier for you to diminish your condition. Writing it off as minimal, or not a big deal. You have long mastered the art of appearing as the infallible hero to everyone else. You should know by now that I know you better than that."
Yeah, I did know…
More convalescence throughout the morning—Liara took care of me, using her magic touch to rid me of my pains. She spoke to me more, this time about the team. They planned on visiting today. They wanted to get a Christmas tree for the living room and decorate it together. The tree would act as that center-point for everyone's Secret Santa gifts. Listening to her easy excitement, I couldn't help wondering how strange this all felt. How surreal it seemed to me. Actually getting to spend the holidays with the team…like family. I'd never had that family-fantasy of waking up on Christmas morning to a bunch of gifts under the tree. Well into my adult years by now, and this would be my first time. Strange…or sad.
At some point, Liara got me in the shower with her. But it was time to wash and re-do my hair, and I couldn't deal with it on my own. So Liara volunteered to handle it for me. Sitting me down on the floor of her shower, she angled my back toward the running beads of warm water. Liara knelt down behind me, kneading her touch along my scalp this time as she groomed me. She knew my routine down to a science, just from having watched my mundane memories of doing this over and over. The exact herbal oils I used on my hair, I smelled in this misted heat as she massaged everything into my roots. The addictive comforts of her movements: how Liara used her nails to rub in these small circles along my scalp, pebbling my skin and soothing me to sleep. I felt her smiling against me as she did this, knowing my exceptions. Knowing I had never allowed anyone to do this for me. This exception meant something.
More and more it meant as Liara blow dried my hair, priming for the rest. Then flat ironing straight, again with my own accuracy, somehow managing to not burn me with this scalding heat. She had turned into this extension of myself, handling these tasks as I would have. And she adored every second of it.
Then she got me dressed for bed in the mid-afternoon. I lay back down, immersed in this scent of Liara within her sheets, listening as she readied herself for the day. As she got dressed, she chatted to me about her plans for the day. She would go out with the team to get the Christmas tree they wanted, giving me a chance to sleep on my own. No one other than Tali knew about my condition—why it was I really needed to rest like this. They just thought I was tired after dealing with the Reapers yesterday.
Mostly true.
By the time Liara made it back later, I would have enough energy to move around again. Maybe she and I could spend some normal time together. She had the same idea, kissing me goodbye with that feeling.
Once Liara left the room to go downstairs, that brief open-and-close dash of her door let in the noise from downstairs. The general chatter from the rest of the team out there. Energetic, oblivious. Excited to be back at Liara's place; excited for this next week or so of our break from the mission. All I could do was lie here in Liara's bed. Face-planted over my stomach. Weighed down by my gradual recovery. I had these repeating thoughts in my head—these memories of the process, of taking down the Reapers. Running through the maze of their insides. Reaching those handles, and pulling at them, and feeling that invisible process of the devil ship creating a connection with me. And then the mad dash to escape the ship before its destruction. Those memories kept transposing themselves over my thoughts, so invasive.
Everything stopped once the door to Liara's room opened again.
Opening and closing, with someone else stepping inside.
I almost thought I'd slipped into a dream or a hallucination. Until I listened to the person's footsteps. Long and wide, and a little loud, a little impatient. Then I felt her touch along my back. Three fingers of her gentleness, her concern. The only one Liara would've allowed in her bedroom to see me like this.
Tali whispered her concern through her trembling voice:
"Shepard? Are you awake?"
Worrying for her, I made myself turn around. Or I tried to, anyway. Just pressing my hands to the mattress, and attempting to push myself to one side. Shaking, weak. What little space I did make, Tali placed herself there. She sat on the bed, sitting up against the pillows, the headboard. Then she guided me to rest, to lay my head in the fullness of her lap. I let myself relax with her. I quickly found this peace with Tali, my earlier thoughts having drifted away by now. I felt these changes, these differences about her. How her care felt similar to Liara's. Similar, but colored differently as she stroked my hair, so quiet.
We both understood that everyone else had left the house already. Off to go shopping for that Christmas tree, or whatever else they had planned. We would have this time to ourselves for a while.
Tali seemed to barely hold something back. Burgeoning emotion, incredulity. Like she couldn't believe things had reached this point with me. Where Liara had taken comfort in comforting me, invigorated by her hopes and idealism, Tali had diverged somewhere in the middle. I couldn't tell exactly how or where. Not until I felt her quivering control. Not until I heard the sharp inhales from the inside of her helmet. Then the hard thuds of her frustrations dripping down as drops over her mask. Tali had tilted her head down, down to look at me properly. And I adjusted as best as I could, tilting my face to regard her. Her bottled anger, leaking out to the open like this. Even more once she took off her mask, breathing freely. Feeling freely in her frustrations. Those light cascades fell down to my face, slipping down to my neck.
"Tali…? What's the matter? What's wrong?"
Sniffling in harshness, Tali sounded just the same: "I'm angry for you. I don't think you understand."
"Then talk to me about it," I requested.
She only shook her head in more frustration, forcing her tears to stop in abruptness.
"Why not?"
"Because it isn't my place," she insisted.
I knew what she really meant by that.
So I asked her, "Don't you think we're past that by now?"
"I don't know, Shepard. Am I allowed to speak freely with you? Or will you get angry with me?"
Tali said these things, even as she kept smoothing down my hair, her touch adding to my natural shine.
"I want you to speak your mind. Where's this coming from? I thought we were closer than this."
Tali corrected me, "We are close. I just know you won't like what I have to say."
"That shouldn't stop you," I corrected right back. "Be straight-up with me. Holding everything in won't do you any good. Let's talk about it."
"Okay, fine," she conceded. "Except there isn't much to talk about. I have an objection. And I need you to take my objection seriously."
Caught off-guard by Tali's resolve, I could only nod my head in her lap. Nodding in acceptance.
Then she came out and said it: "I know what this war is doing to you. Liara explained everything to me. I picked up enough hints from Dr. Chakwas earlier, the way she looked at you. I see the writing on the wall, as your people say. I don't want you to go through this anymore. I don't want you to keep hurting, to keep risking yourself like this. I don't…want you to sacrifice yourself for the mission. This has to stop."
Something of Tali's objections both calmed me and harmed me.
I loved that she cared this much.
But it all seemed like…a tacit admittance that I couldn't get the job done. Like she didn't believe in me.
"I can already tell what you're thinking," she gauged. "This is why I didn't want to tell you. Exactly why."
"I don't understand what you're asking for."
"Yes, you do. I want you to call the mission off. None of this is worth losing you over."
Scrambling in a mental panic, I couldn't wrap my mind around this. Around Tali making this demand.
"You can't see this from my eyes. I've watched the news, how they praise you. Like you're everyone's savior. Except they have no idea what goes on behind-the-scenes. No one else sees how this has been affecting you. This will only get worse over time. Because even if we do finish this mission, there will be more. The asari councilor said our team will be immortal once you take down Harbinger. We'll always have the next thing to face down. The next overwhelming challenge, the next galaxy-ending threat. For the rest of eternity. I can't stand the thought of putting you through this forever. I can't do that to you."
Some part of me agreed with her.
Somewhere in the far reaches of my mind, off along the edge of reason.
But I could never say it. I could never discuss it. I could never give it credence, give it the light of day.
I tried reasoning with her, "Tali, you're not the one doing that to me. It's just our mission. That's all."
Tali sighed in helplessness. "I knew you'd say something like that."
There was nothing else I could say. Not without giving the rest away.
"Well, it's true," I insisted. "I need you to believe in me. As much as I understand where you're coming from, we can't let ourselves think that way. As much as I'd love to stay here and rest forever…I don't have that luxury. We can come back home once the mission's over. You'll be with Liara and me. That's our dream to look forward to. Can you accept that instead?"
"It's difficult to accept when you can't even get out of bed right now."
Looking up at Tali properly, I asked her, "Are you going to force me to stay here?"
"No," she stated. "I can't force you to do anything. I already know: once you order us to get back to the ship, I'll do as you say. I'll only be in charge again once it's time for us to revisit Rannoch. That isn't the case here. I will always be loyal to you, Shepard. The rest will just end up hurting me. For a long time."
As much as I wanted to, I couldn't abide by Tali's demands.
I couldn't end up like everyone else who'd betrayed us, turned their backs on us, or ran away.
Resting or running for me could only ever be temporary. Convalescing enough to get my strength back. And then on to the next thing. On to the next fight, the next battlefield. On and on forevermore.
I felt this obligation to do as Tali wanted. I wanted to take her anger away. I didn't want to hurt her.
But I had already placed the mission above everything—even our relationship.
"I'm sorry, Tali…"
"I know, Shepard. I know."
Somehow not taking offense, Tali went back to smoothing me, preening me. She seemed a little lighter as we spent this time in silence. She at least accepted that I accepted her. I hadn't outright shut her down, or argued against her feelings. We had this understanding now. This soft, sweet understanding as Tali smiled through her pain. She smiled through hers and mine both, appreciating this moment. She soothed me back to sleep.
Within the ambiguity of my dreams, I felt a similar flow, a similar movement.
That same white-colored forest I'd seen in my dreams, time and time again.
I lay down in this same position. Instead of my head in Tali's lap, I lay in someone else's hold.
Someone else saying and feeling the exact same things. Upset and crying over me for the same reasons:
Ashley didn't want me to go through with this. She didn't want me to suffer like this. All for nothing in the end, in her view. All for reasons that didn't really matter. She wanted me to give up. She wanted me to refuse my current path. She wanted me to embrace this refusal, and set aside the work of this constant effort, one day after the next. One foot in front of the other, barreling toward my physical doom. For the mission. For the people I cared about. For the promises I had made to myself.
"You shouldn't have to suffer like this, Shepard… I refuse to let this go on forever. Not for them."
None of those things mattered to Ashley, as she saw this through the same lens as Tali. Always putting me first. Even to the point of extremes—going behind my back, working against me. Or really working side-by-side with my worst instincts. My deepest needs to throw this all away. Yet I somehow found this inner-strength again every time. Sleeping for now, resting for now as my resolve restored itself anew.
Later that night, I managed to get back on my feet. I could walk around again, but I wasn't back to a hundred percent. Not quite yet. Not to the point where I wanted the rest of the team to see me. Liara made a convenient excuse to get them back aboard the ship. They would stay with us tomorrow on Christmas Eve, and then Christmas Day, letting everyone wake up in the house together to open presents in the morning. I still needed to find a way to sneak everyone's gifts beneath the Christmas tree down in the living room. I'd probably have to wait until Liara fell asleep tonight. Whenever that was.
She seemed to have much more energy now. More energy to spend time with me, to get back to some semblance of normalcy for us together. Meanwhile, Tali had exhausted herself. She hadn't slept last night after the mission, having stayed up worrying about Liara and me both. So Tali retreated to one of the guest rooms downstairs, finally getting some sleep. Liara had us stay downstairs in the living room, just as the rain started pouring down outside. I thought she would ask if we could watch those cheesy Christmas vids playing at this time of year. Then again, Liara had no point of reference for those kinds of things. Instead, she asked if she could watch me play one of my video games tonight. Just like old times.
A torrent of rain scattered through the winds outside, carving as wet scars along the windows, and the sliding glass door leading to the park beside Liara's home. The newly-decorated Christmas tree sat in the corner of the room. The prickly pine tree held up all sorts of baubles and lights glittering through the night. Maybe too decorated, but a group effort nonetheless from most of the team. Everyone had already set their Secret Santa gifts along the base of the tree. Liara smiled over those decorations as I set up my video games at the vid screen. The dominant biotic-blue lights from the tree helped me sort out my peripherals. Vague memories had inspired me to play a different sort of game tonight. One with a mouse and keyboard instead of my usual controllers. I hadn't played this game since my days in school.
Once I finished, I went over to Liara at the tree. I stayed just behind her, holding her around her waist. I leaned down enough to settle my face along her temple. Such a calm, quiet peace from her. Liara smiled more, wrapping her arms atop my hold. We both stared at these decorations, the details. The hard pelleting from the rain along the windows somehow seemed much softer. As soft as Liara breathed, imprinting this feeling in her mind, in my own. Making these new memories together as she'd promised.
"This is nice," said Liara after a while. "I wish time didn't have to pass. I want to stay here with you."
Too many sentiments came to mind. Words I wanted to give; promises I wanted to make.
Liara felt the need to remind me: "This is your home, too, you know. I had given you the keys already. Years ago when we visited before. Things are different now. I think you know quite well what I mean."
I did know. And I wanted to thank her. The words had clogged themselves in these nerves in my throat.
Liara turned around, bringing her smile over my lips anyway. She understood enough of how I felt.
Then she brought me with her to the couch. She settled herself behind me, letting me rest my head over her chest as I played. Liara took special note of my mouse and keyboard, watching me navigate through my virtual console on the vid screen. She probably expected me to pick my N7 game. I had already decided not to play that one. The latest patch had made the Reapers a new enemy faction. After the Collectors, this was just a step too far for me. I didn't want to think about the Reapers during this break.
Liara asked me in interest, "What are you playing this time? I am assuming it will be a different game."
"Yes, it's a different one. I haven't played it in years. It's a grand strategy game set during World War II on Earth. You take control of a country and lead them through the war. You manage the army, the navy, the air force, general logistics, and a bunch of politics. Our war probably made me remember it again."
After I launched the game, Liara picked up on what I meant. The loading screen's picturesque artwork of a warzone had set the tone. Scenes of naval battles on Earth with old-style naval carriers launching fighter jets and other aircraft across the seas. Infantry soldiers shooting from cover at the enemy across a battlefield. Historical depictions of a couple sitting for a meal outside, with the massive size of a warship passing through the sea, bearing the Turkish flag of red with a white star and crescent. All while an old-timey song played through the in-game radio, bringing us to the title screen for Hearts of Iron.
Liara took special note of this novelty. Especially while I browsed through my save files. The countries I had played as, the times and dates. Seeing these relics from years ago made me a little nostalgic. I felt myself remembering where and when I was on these exact dates. The problems I had going on at the time. Whatever else. None of it really mattered anymore. Not like it used to, so long ago. Definitely not now as Liara sat with me, watching me. She focused on the here and now, enjoying these moments.
"Are you starting a new game?" she asked me.
"Yeah, I was just looking through my old saves." Mousing over the New Game button, I figured I should give some more context. "How much do you know about World War II?"
"I have heard of it. One of your greatest wars on Earth, as the name implies. Could you tell me more?"
"Well, basically, a radical faction in Germany came to power in the years following their losses in World War I. Their fascist leader stoked those resentments enough and became Germany's chancellor. Then he led the country into the next war. Nazi Germany, Fascist Italy, and Imperial Japan formed the main powers of the Axis faction. The United Kingdom led the charge against them with the Allies, bringing in countries under attack by the Axis, like China, Poland, France, Belgium, and the Netherlands. The United States and the Soviet Union joined the Allies a couple of years later, forming the Big Three with the UK."
"Yes, that sounds familiar. The Allied powers then went on to form the United Nations. In this game, do you simply play out history as it was?"
"You don't have to at all. There's an option for the AI opponents in the other countries to play non-historically. It's really unpredictable. For now, we can play historically. But as the player, you always have the option of going against history: winning battles that your chosen country lost in real life. Or you could have countries like Japan and Germany go democratic and avoid the Axis altogether. You could plunge the Soviet Union or the United States into civil war. It just depends on what you feel like doing."
Intrigued, Liara watched me open up the new game menu. The list of major countries there with their flags and the portraits of their leaders, along with written descriptions of their situations at the time.
I asked her, "Which country do you want us to play as?"
"Can we only choose the ones listed here?"
"We can technically play as any country in the world."
"Really?!"
I opened the world map, showing Liara the entirety of Earth's nations from the late 1930s. This initial view of the map centered on Western Europe. The German Reich featured there, painted on the map in a dark, foreboding charcoal gray between France, Switzerland, Luxembourg, Belgium, the Netherlands, Denmark, Austria, Czechoslovakia, and of course, Poland. The United Kingdom and Ireland loomed just to the northwest across the English Channel. Just east of Poland, the Baltics, and Finland, the Soviet Union towered over Europe in a bold crimson red, spanning north over all of the Middle East and Asia.
Zooming out some more, we saw more of the nations in Southeast Asia, down to Australia and New Zealand. Across the Pacific, the Americas lined down from Alaska and the Dominion of Canada, farther to the United States, Mexico, and the Caribbean nations, all the way south to Peru, Chile, and Brazil. And back across the Atlantic again, almost the entire continent of Africa had been carved up as colonies belonging to European nations, most notably France's dominion over most of West Africa. Then up across the Aegean Sea and the Mediterranean awaited Greece with the Balkans, just next door to Italy and Turkey. Finally, Spain and Portugal had seemingly sequestered themselves to the southwest of France.
Liara asked in shock, "You can play as Germany? That is actually allowed?"
"Yeah, but those mechanics aren't part of the game… Like I said, you don't have to stay fascist as Germany. You can bring back the monarchy, or you can go democratic. Either way, they have one of the strongest, most overpowered armies in the game. I'm assuming you still don't want us to play as them."
"No, let's choose something else…"
Liara found herself naturally drawn to the blue-colored countries on the map: France, Sweden, Greece, and the United States. She fixated on the US, noticing how Canada and Mexico remained separate from my home country at this time. The sheer size and land mass of the Soviet Union caught her eye, too.
"Shepard, what is the situation in Greece? Would that be a good place to start?"
"Hmm." I furrowed my brow over what I remembered: "Greece is wonderful, but starting off in this era, the country isn't in a great place. They're deep in debt, they don't have a lot of industry to work with, and they're dealing with a bunch of political unrest between their different factions. They're already a small country, so they don't have a ton of manpower for soldiers. We could fix the issues, eventually restoring the Byzantine Empire if you want us to. We'd have to annex Turkey right here to the east."
"That does sound difficult. But it seems as though Greece is not terribly involved in the main conflict."
"No, not really. Central Europe is where the action starts in 1939. It's tough to recommend a starting place there. Germany will take out most of these countries. Even if we take control of Belgium, or Denmark, or whoever, it's an uphill battle to mount a defense against the Nazis."
"What about the United Kingdom?" asked Liara. "You said they are the leaders of the Allies."
After the thousands of hours I had logged in my save files, I suddenly realized:
"…I've actually never played as the UK in this game."
Giggling now, she wondered, "Why not? I imagined such a powerful nation could make a difference."
"They have a massive navy, that's for sure. An endless amount of ships. And they have colonies all over the world. The thing is, they're stuck on that island across the sea. We'd have to move our armies to enemy territory through naval invasions. Those take time and they're annoying to set up. I was never in the mood to bother with all of that. I would always end up picking another country to play as instead."
"Okay, then. I am still curious about your home nation. Why didn't they join the Allies sooner?"
I explained, "We had to deal with the Great Depression at the time. President Franklin Roosevelt helped to get us out of it with the New Deal. But the US generally tried to stay neutral. We wouldn't commit troops anywhere, but we would send raw materials like steel to the Allied nations. We were essentially a sleeping giant for a few years. Everything changed when Japan attacked Pearl Harbor in 1941. There's a lot of preparation we'd have to do as the US to make them a true force in the war. It would take longer."
"Of course. Back to Europe, then. What about France? What is going on there?"
"They're on defense, too. If we play as France, and we fail, then historical events will follow. The Fall of Paris and Germany's occupation. The nation ends up with fascist leaders under Vichy France. Even though France has its political and economic problems, they're not as bad as Greece. It's possible to turtle up and hold the line against the German Reich. Takes some prep work, again, but we could do it."
Liara decided: "Then let's play as France. I'd like to see how you defend against such a powerful enemy."
From the gentle tone of her voice, Liara had more sentimental reasons for choosing this country.
Had she watched a few French vids? Or did she just like my explanations of their history? I didn't know.
Starting the game in 1936, this would give us a few years to prepare before the war broke out in 1939.
Pleasant in her observations, Liara watched me play. She kept track of my every move, learning and absorbing the gameplay and the historical elements everywhere. I sifted through menus, tracking the logistics of France's weapons, planes, and ship productions. I constructed new buildings for manufacturing and industry. I set France's national focuses to steadily get them out of their political violence and flattened economy. I prepared new divisions for the army, assigning generals and field marshals for our infantry units; sent my navy fleets to nearby waters to protect our seas; and placed planes at our air bases ahead of time for the war. I built land forts along the borders to Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, and Italy. All of this while researching new equipment, industries, and technology over time. Overall, France had a lot of setbacks in the way, but I gradually overcame them.
As I did this, Liara engrossed herself in this bygone era. She would read the newspaper-style popups, explaining events like the Spanish Civil War between the Nationalists and the Republicans, the formation of the Chinese United Front, the remilitarization of the Rhineland in Germany, and Italy's attack on Ethiopia. The old timey, catchy music from this era played on the in-game radio. Patriotic tunes in German and Russian. More regional music in French, in Spanish, Hindi, Japanese, Polish, and in all languages across the world, thanks to a mod I installed. Allied speeches from famed leaders like the British Prime Minister Winston Churchill. Every sound and look and feel reminded me of what it would've been like, living as a soldier in the war.
It all made me wonder how people would remember our war against the Reapers. Once this was over.
Liara commented after a while, "There are a lot of moving parts to this game. It seems far more complicated than what you played in the past. You are more of a manager here, or a master strategist."
"I've always liked that about it. There's a steep learning curve. The in-game tutorial only covers the basics of the basics. I had to spend a lot of time reading the tooltips—and watching outside tutorials. This prep work isn't very exciting, though. Everything will be quiet until Germany acts against Poland."
"I enjoy watching you so far. You know I like seeing the way you think. But I can make us something to eat in the meantime."
"All right, babe. We should be ready to get started soon enough."
"Good. I'll be back shortly."
After kissing my forehead, Liara made her way to the kitchen just behind the living room.
Every now and then as I played, I would glance behind the couch to the kitchen. I couldn't see Liara in there, but I heard her in there, somewhere. Going here, going there, sifting pots and pans around. Liara seemed oddly focused on her task of just making us something to eat. By the time she came back, she had everything cooking in the oven. I tried not to give away what I noticed, staying quiet as Liara settled herself back on the couch with me.
"The year is 1939 now," she noted. "Is the war imminent?"
"Yes, Germany has its troops on the Polish border. They're heading in."
"Shepard, what was the point of this war? What were the Axis powers trying to achieve?"
"Well, the important thing to know is this Second World War happened only a few decades after World War I. The winning side of the first war drafted the Treaty of Versailles. Germany suffered the most from that treaty, leading to those resentments I mentioned earlier. They had to accept blame for World War I, pay reparations, and limit their armed forces. A lot of Germans felt humiliated by the whole thing. Some myths formed in the country that they could have won World War I—if their Jewish population hadn't stabbed them in the back. This wasn't true, but people were angry. They needed someone to blame, someone to hate. Especially once the world's economy started to tank. People felt powerless. Then there was the League of Nations who were supposed to act as peacekeepers. They didn't always step in when they should have, so the Axis saw an opportunity. Nazi Germany turned to genocide against their Jewish population. Italy invaded Ethiopia. Japan attacked China. Everything spiraled from there."
Liara absorbed that information as she watched me play some more. I could tell she disagreed with the whole conflict. As she should have, culturally speaking. Her people had always leaned on their diplomacy and knowledge, rarely devolving into full-on war throughout their history. But she at least appreciated my own knowledge about the situation.
Still sitting behind me, Liara had wrapped her arms around my neck, my shoulders, keeping her lips close to my face. She kept her eyes to the game on the vid screen. She kept her affections on me. The softness of her lips. The texture of them, pressed right along my skin, the shape of my jaw. I felt this other heat between her legs—this arousal from her, from listening to my history lessons, from watching me play out this modified history of my homeworld. I tried not to get distracted. I didn't want to lose this war.
Germany attacked Poland. They quickly capitulated the country with the Fall of Warsaw. Then the Germans turned westward to the Netherlands and Belgium. They would come after us in France shortly afterward. I had already mobilized my troops at the border, holding hardest along the borders to Belgium and Luxembourg. Our direct border with Germany, France had the advantage of a mountainous region to help keep the enemy out, namely with the old defensive Maginot Line the French had installed for this specific purpose. I sent troops to hold the line at our southern border with Italy, also very mountain-heavy, helping with our defenses. I prepared France's air force ahead of time, ensuring we had air superiority and close ground support for the army. I garrisoned France's entire coastline, and used my ships to gain naval superiority in the region alongside the United Kingdom. They invited us to join the Allies. I had buffed my army's defensive stats with every modifier I could find. I was ready.
Liara watched Poland, the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, and Denmark get wiped off the map, replaced by the German Reich's ever-expanding borders. Then the time came for Germany and Italy to attack us in France. After all this build-up, all this suspense, I felt Liara wondering what would happen. Countless enemy soldiers rushed at us. The German Reich's red-colored flag filled the border. Italy's flag did the same on our southeastern front, with poor Switzerland stuck in the middle as a neutral force.
But the blue of France's borders didn't change at all. Every soldier in my army's divisions held the line. They didn't let the Germans or the Italians through. Not a single inch.
The enemy would end up throwing bodies at us, bleeding out equipment and resources over time. Once they ran out of equipment and manpower, we could push ahead into their territory and defeat them.
"Everything looks promising," praised Liara. "This is very inspiring."
"Inspiring?" I asked. "What do you mean?"
"Your people have a lot of experience with war. At least compared to my own species. I don't remember the last time we had a major conflict like this. I've started worrying about Thessia more and more. There is a possibility the Reapers will invade our home later. I don't know how my people will handle it."
Letting the game run on its own now, I looked up at Liara. This upside-down view from my angle.
"I'm sorry," she offered. "For bringing up the Reapers. We're supposed to be relaxing."
"No, it's okay. I want you to talk to me about these things."
"I know… Just—not now. Not during our break. Let's save this for another time."
As she said that, a new song started playing through the game's radio. An old fashioned love song. A woman's singing voice. A scratchy, canned quality to the sound, as if taken straight from a vinyl record. I realized whenever one of these songs would start up, I'd immediately think about Liara. Just the character of this sound, so whimsical and idealistic, even in these turbulent times with the war. A message of hope. Through anything and everything, this would all really would work out for the best.
"I enjoy this a lot," mentioned Liara. "Do you have more songs like this?"
"Somewhere in my music library. Why? You want to hear more of them?"
"While we eat dinner, yes. Could you make a playlist for us?"
This sudden fluttering of nerves. "Okay, if that's what you want…"
Liara pulled me into her arms before leaving to the kitchen one more time. I understood her not-so-hidden message, asking me to pause the game for now. Getting this playlist together, I listened to Liara's activity again. So quiet. On purpose. Like she didn't want me to hear her. What was she doing in there?
Then once Liara came back, she smiled over my confusion. As if she had planned on this reaction from me. Floating above it all, on top of the world, Liara held her hand out to me. I set aside my mouse and keyboard, heading with her to the dining room table. The music from my playlist played over the home system, following us at a soft enough volume. Liara had left the lights off in here. Another source of light awaited us on the table. And once we made it there, I stopped breathing. All I could do was stare in awe.
Liara had set the table for us. The plates, the utensils, the wine glasses. The rich bottle of Thessian wine. She'd placed candles atop the table, lighting them in a gentle scent. The food awaited us, cooked and ready and steaming on the kitchen counter nearby. A full-on romantic dinner.
"Babe, this is…"
Settling her fingertips over my lips, Liara shook her head.
"You don't need to say anything, Shepard. I wanted to surprise you."
I was so used to being the one to do these things. Surprising someone in this way.
I didn't know how to react now that Liara had done this for me instead.
And then I did a double-take, looking down at my clothes. All I had on was what I usually wore around my apartment, or in my private cabin on the ship. Liara and I both just had on whatever. Not like when we went to brunch at our hotel on Rannoch.
"You know I don't mind any of that," she insisted. "Here, come sit down."
I had that automatic instinct to pull out Liara's chair for her. To let her sit first. Again, she seemed to decline this, wanting to serve me tonight. Literally—the food waited to be put on my plate. Our wine glasses waited to be filled. Liara waited for me to sit down, or to at least react in some other way.
Not knowing what to say, I pulled her into my arms. Close and tight and filled with my gratitude. Even holding Liara like this, I felt her every reaction. How she smiled against my shoulder. How the skin along her neck had changed in this texture, pebbling as shivers. I had noticed how Liara tended to feel whenever I held her. Whenever I surrounded her in my hold. This same pleasure, this same gratitude right back from her. Giving this to her again, I remembered my relief—that Liara was okay again after the last mission. I wouldn't have wanted us to miss out on a night like this.
Then she looked up at me, her eyes glowing in this light from the candles.
I asked her, "Don't you ever get tired of having to look up at me?"
So sweet as she spoke, "Not at all. I love that we always have to look up to see the stars."
Eternally in love with me.
I saw it in her gaze. How she couldn't take her eyes off of me. The absolute depths there as I held her.
Then Liara sat me down at the head of the table. This specific spot she had designated for me. She brought me my food first, setting it lovingly on my plate. As she did this, I picked up on every little detail around us. The familiar aroma of this home-cooked meal—a perfect recreation of the Thessian seafood we'd eaten together on Rannoch not too long ago. Liara had replicated the same inky blue succulence dripping as moisture along the plate. A lighter blue, she poured in as that wine in my glass, and then in hers.
I watched her the whole time. Maybe self-conscious in the face of her pleasant vibes. Sitting at a dinner table like this in my regular clothes. In any other circumstance, I never would've done something like this. I would've worn something else. Something way more appropriate.
Meanwhile, once Liara sat down nearby, she gazed at me again. Absolutely enamored with me. The candles again reflecting in her eyes. The embers there. This charming vanilla scent of the candles. Maybe an inside joke about how our relationship wasn't always vanilla. Farther out, the lights from the Christmas tree had hovered in here, tinting this occasion with a festive spark. And as Liara kept looking at me, I could hardly look back at her. Just from how hard I felt my heart beating in my chest. I couldn't eat, couldn't sip the wine she'd given me. I couldn't even pick up my fork or the glass, because I knew my hands would shake and tremble, and I didn't want Liara to see. I hadn't prepared for this at all…
Rich and smooth, Liara prompted me, "Won't you at least try the wine first?"
Flexing my hand, forcing this stiffness to control the shaking, I reached out to the stem of my wine glass.
I took enough of a sip, filled with these reminders of the taste. The sophistication of Thessia and the asari people blended into this one drink. I could tell Liara had had this bottle saved for a while now. A pretty long time. Maybe she'd bought it during our first visit here three years ago. Saving it until now.
I managed to find my voice again: "Did you ask the team to leave us alone tonight for this?"
"Yes, I did," she replied. "I wanted us to have at least one night to ourselves. A romantic dinner seemed like the best way to celebrate." Liara glanced behind me with a specific smile. "Tali was the only exception, of course. She is in her own room. She likely won't be out for a while. Not until tomorrow."
I knew Tali was behind me somewhere, having peeked in on Liara and me just then. I also knew Tali had done the same on Rannoch during that brunch date. She thought she was so slick, like she could actually hide from me. I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise, or to scold her over it. Besides, I couldn't blame Tali for being protective of her BFF in this sweet way. The whole thing helped break up this awkwardness for me, letting me eat the food Liara had prepared for me, and for us both.
Then I asked, "What's the plan for tomorrow, anyway?"
"Well, tomorrow is finally Christmas Eve. In the morning, I will wake up at nine or so. We can get ready for Shiala's memorial service. It starts at eleven. They are holding the event near the University of Serrice. I know many of my colleagues will be there. They've already been in contact with me, expressing their condolences and thanking me for writing that paper on Shiala's research. Once we arrive, we should expect some small-talk here and there. I know you don't enjoy it."
"I don't mind. The service is more important than my personal feelings. Should I wear my uniform?"
"Hmm, not this time," settled Liara. "I'd like us to attend as regular civilians together. For a change."
"That's fine, babe. What else is on the agenda?"
"Afterward, we will head to Labyrinthos, the once-secret dome city beneath Armali. Many of Earth's refugees have already made it there. The government expects to welcome a few more transports from other countries. Perhaps we could go and meet the newest refugees once they arrive. We could take a closer look at how everything is going for our guests."
I agreed, "We should. It'll be good to see the whole process for ourselves."
"You know the asari councilor will be there as well. She will be present for the memorial service, after all. I get the feeling she will want to speak with you. Most likely about political matters between my people and yours. I wouldn't be surprised if she engages you in some kind of diplomatic discussion."
"True. I hadn't thought of that."
Liara explained a bit more, "Tevos will want to ensure Thessia's security somehow—with you as our most important ally. But then again, maybe we shouldn't get into this right now. Not tonight…"
Respecting her wishes, the two of us fell silent for a little while.
I glanced around some more as we kept eating. This deeper realization sunk in, of being in Liara's childhood home. I realized it not from our surroundings, but from Liara herself. How comfortable she seemed here. Not that she wasn't comfortable on the Normandy or the Citadel or wherever else. Liara just gave off a certain air about her. Like she knew this space well, and she enjoyed it. Right at home.
"Liara, why don't you tell me more about your childhood. Something else you haven't told me."
Smiling in reminiscence, Liara admitted, "Honestly, Shepard, there isn't much I haven't already mentioned. You know I was always happy as a child. I would get lost in my studies, going off on my adventures in the park out there. Or I would stay in my room, reading each of my books from cover-to-cover. For the longest, everything was blissful for me. Like a paradise. My mother was so kind and patient with me. She also never took my obsessions seriously, as I'm sure you recall."
"Yes, I remember. You wanted to be a Prothean researcher. Except your mother wouldn't allow it."
"No, she wouldn't… She humored me for the longest time, assuming I would just grow out of it. Benezia wanted me to go into politics or religious studies. She wanted me to follow her path. Always with those expectations. And then everything fell apart once I decided to go my own way. My mother insisted my ambitions were nothing but childish fantasies…as if there was nothing to be gained from studying the Protheans. But in reality, Benezia knew about the asari government's secrets. Their reliance on old Prothean technology and knowledge. I know now that the matriarchs had purposely downplayed Prothean studies. Most likely to prevent anyone like me from discovering the matriarchs' secrets."
"Targeted propaganda from your government?"
"It sadly sounds that way. Perhaps my mother didn't want me to discover anything 'too soon'—before I was supposedly old enough to be worthy of the knowledge. Benezia did seem oddly resistant to my decisions. It wasn't like her. That is why we would argue all the time. That is why I had to leave, and the two of us became estranged. Yet my mother never removed me from her will. She never outright disowned me or banished me from the family. Without her, I would not have been blessed with the money and resources I have always had. I was able to live off the beaten path as an archaeologist for fifty years. I struggled to prove myself, mostly isolated as I was. Then I met you. And now we are here."
Listening to Liara's story, I found my regrets. Regrets over never having spoken to her mother properly. I hadn't had the chance before—not after assassinating Benezia on Noveria that day. Setting all of that aside, I would've wanted to have Liara's mother approve of me; of the two of us together. Even now, I watched Liara thinking fondly of the past. How she smiled. Remembering Benezia as she used to be.
Then she looked at me.
This time with a different sort of fondness.
This tender light in Liara's eyes. How the night seemed to hold her in a high esteem, exactly as I did. I couldn't remember ever seeing her like this before. So heavenly. So peaceful. So serene, like a fairy land no one else could enter. Right here at the center: just the two of us. All of our drama from before, no more. We had finally let go of that tension. This hammering in my chest again—a different kind of tension instead. I wanted to let myself get swept away. I wanted to believe we could have this forever.
Outside, the trees swayed in the winds of the rainstorm.
The mid of the night rising and rising higher, that fever close to this zenith's pitch.
Back inside, the two of our plates and our wine glasses, empty now. Liara had filled my heart with her care and court for me. I felt myself leaning over this next edge. About to take this next leap of faith.
Liara's gentle question kept me frozen on this precipice:
"What time is it, Shepard?"
Eyes focused on me, she wanted my answer. She could've checked for herself. She wanted me to say it.
"It's…almost midnight, Liara."
We could've cleaned the table, cleaned the kitchen.
Then we could've gone back to playing Hearts of Iron.
Or we could go do something else instead.
Liara's whole form glowed with that hopefulness of hers. She really wanted that something else. She wanted me to take the lead. Bringing everything full-circle. Back to our first visit here three years ago.
So I asked her, "Do you…want to go out for a walk with me?"
Trying to contain her excitement, Liara glanced out the nearest window.
"You want us to go out for a walk? Now? In the middle of the rain?"
"Yes…"
Liara did her best to compose herself. Staying calm, staying normal. She knew what this meant from me.
I helped Liara clean up after dinner. She rinsed the dishes off at the sink. I set everything in the dishwasher afterward. In the meantime, Liara asked me if I wouldn't mind having my own room here downstairs. She'd prepared a separate space from me. Even though Liara wanted us to share her room all the time, it wasn't feasible. She only had one sink in her bathroom upstairs. When the time came to get ready to leave somewhere, Liara didn't want us to have to wait on the other, or to bump into each other. She also knew I needed my space from time to time. So I accepted her offer with my thanks.
Minutes after midnight now.
Christmas Eve arrived to Thessia through this dark and rainy night.
The one day Liara and I had initially made plans for, back in those early days of the Reaper invasion. Back then, the character of our relationship had changed. Our own characters had changed. I had come too close to jumping off the ledge. Liara had talked me down from that madness, promising a better future for us together. From then on, slowly but surely, we had crafted this new status quo for ourselves.
Now I settled into this extra room Liara had set aside for me. A separate master bedroom downstairs, this place looked larger than the entirety of my private cabin on the Normandy. A king-sized bed with a mattress set to remember my softer preferences, a fine desk for my computer terminal, a massive entertainment center for the vid screen and my gaming setup, and an adjacent bathroom. All with a set of dark-colored walls contrasting with these moody lights glowing as blue and black everywhere. More and more reminders of that old money Liara came from. She had no problems spending the credits to customize a giant room for me like this. One of many, many rooms in this huge house of hers.
Plus, being downstairs would make things easier for me. I'd have a simpler time sneaking in everyone's surprise Christmas presents from me. I could slip them under the tree without waking Tali or Liara.
The gentle orange light glowed on from my holo-closet next to the bed—I sifted through my outfits, picking out a pair of jeans and my N7 hoodie. Shields built-in, so I didn't have to worry about the rain.
After getting dressed, I went back to my closet. I found this hidden gem in my belongings. The soft, well-made wolf pup plush I had bought earlier this year. I'd intended on giving it to a certain someone for Valentine's Day. That never ended up working out. Both literally and figuratively. So I'd held on to this pup for myself, convinced I wouldn't gift it to anyone. I held the plush in my arms again now. Now as I stared out this window, looking out at Armali's skyline. All of Thessia had lit up as one starlight, the cityscape glittering with Christmas colors through the night's storm. Looking out at these sights, I finally made up my mind about this gift. I wanted to give it to Liara, but not for the team's Secret Santa thing. I had already set aside a different present for that. This little one in my arms would be for something else.
Liara hadn't come downstairs. I assumed she needed some more time to get ready. Was she nervous?
We had been talking about this holiday for so long, after all. Maybe this hadn't settled in for her yet.
Taking the extra time, I brought this pup with me to my new desk. Holding the gentle, fluffy plush in my lap, I logged in to my computer, checking the extranet. I naturally found my way to the general news and goings-on across Thessia and Armali. On the front page of every Thessian news site, I found some variation of the same pictures: of Liara and me together. The two of us holding hands on the Citadel. More dynamic shots of us on Palaven together, from the drones that had recorded our operation against Lucifer out in the snowstorm. The headlines all gave Liara her props as my second-in-command and temporary captain of the Normandy, leading the Citadel to victory against Apollo's fleet.
Other top news stories detailed the asari councilor's visit to the homeworld. Tevos had graciously met the crowds of adoring citizens who'd awaited her at the docking bay. Everyone was so proud to see her back on Thessia again, praising her for guiding the galaxy through that latest attack on the Citadel. Some reporters pointed out the recent swell of appreciation for Thessia across the Milky Way. Compared to Sur'Kesh and their cruel, botched handling of the war, the asari had come out looking kinder and more compassionate, mainly with their decision to welcome my homeworld's refugees. That greater narrative encouraged Thessia's people to appreciate their representative on the Council even more, as no one more than Tevos embodied the asari's penchant for their calm, philosophical approach to diplomacy.
Most other reporters asked Tevos for comment about Liara and me, how the Normandy was in town. The asari councilor expressed her pride over our achievements. She especially praised Liara for how well she'd learned to wield her biotics defensively against the Reapers. Showing the galaxy what the asari were made of—aside from their diplomacy and enlightenment. Liara had really made a name for herself. I knew she didn't care about those things. But it was better than her own peers maligning her for her Prothean expertise, not having taken her seriously. Everyone respected her now. As they should have.
As I read through the other, smaller news stories, I thought I heard a voice somewhere. Not Liara's at the door. I assumed I was only hearing things, expecting her to be there when she wasn't. So I kept scrolling, until I heard the voice again, clearer this time.
'Commander. Can you hear me?'
I'd heard this voice before.
Calm, stately, meaningful. Familiar to me.
"Matriarch Benezia? Is that you?"
'Yes, it is. I am glad you remembered.'
"How are you speaking to me like this? I thought…"
'I have found a path through your bond with Liara. It also helps that you are in our family home. Unfortunately, I am only able to do this for a brief time. I've wished to speak with you for some time.'
"I'm listening. What do you need to tell me?"
'First and foremost, I was wrong about you. I assumed you would never wake up and take my daughter back. Perhaps you figured out my designs three years ago. I knew you were meant for greater things. I wanted my little wing to be by your side. To find her own glory through yours. Over the years, I began to lose hope. Hope that you would realize how good Liara has been for you. How no one is more dedicated to you than my daughter has been. Your union with her will bring great prosperity for the future.'
"I believe you. I'm not sure I would have accepted that before. A lot's changed over the years."
'I understand your reasons, Commander. What matters is that you have opened your heart to Liara once more. She seems much happier these days at your side. Please promise me you will take care of her. She needs you. And…if the time ever comes to defend Thessia from the enemy, please protect our home.'
"You have my word."
'Thank you, Shepard. You have a long road still ahead. I have faith in you. The goddess will be with you.'
The goddess will be with you?
I thought the asari expression was—"May the goddess be with you."
I didn't have much time to think it over. Already Liara knocked on my door, ready to get going with me.
When I found her in the hallway, she looked up at me with a half-smile. Tempered and tempting.
But once we left the house, hand-in-hand through the rain, Liara loosened up a little. She'd had those cogs turning in her head, repeating the long line of memories between us. The conflicts, the departures. The time we'd lost, the uncertainties. Then as we hurried through the rain, Liara laughed with me to keep up. We shouldn't have been messing around out here. We probably should've picked a better time to go for this so-called walk. Not quite running beneath the night's storm, yet not walking, either. We found a comfortable pace, leaning into the absurdity. Leaning into it, and loving it, surrounded by Armali's starlight celebrations decorating the city, those sights lighting the way for us through the dark.
This weather smelled different on Thessia. Different than on Earth or anywhere else I could remember. A delicate scent of eezo hovered through the rainstorm. A biotic lightness lifted through me, lifting my spirits more and more as we went. And off we went, working our way through the city to the Temple of Athame. That towering, religious structure up at the top of a hill, overlooking Liara's hometown. The cold should've bitten through us by now on our way there. We had this shared, cozy warmth from my temperature implants affecting us both. The rain puddles splashed at our feet, the skycars zoomed past us overhead, and the entirety of Liara's homeworld embraced us, needing this for the both of us.
Past a long bridge, and through an open courtyard, we reached the upward path leading to the temple. This winding set of steps interspersed with leveled surfaces, leaving ample space for tables to sit and enjoy the sights, and outdoor plants adding to the scene. On this pilgrimage of sorts to the top, Liara and I had this unobstructed view of the rest of the city. All those skyscrapers in the shape of Prothean beacons: wider and rounder at the base, thinning out and elongating to the cloudy skies.
Then at the top, these decorative bodies of water flattened along the ground. All part of the path, all part of the way here. The water extended toward a cliff overlooking Armali, cascading as a gentle waterfall to the area below. The regular walking spaces bore these intricate tattoos in the pavement, shaped as exaggerated suns shining a bright light. They held this powerful base for the temple itself.
Secured. Sectioned-off. The wide entrance of the temple glowed in the blue of those restrictions.
The interior of this religious space lived on uninterrupted, past the transparency of these guard rails. Endless rows of seats to hold the masses. Sloped, rising decorations as steel-colored rays fanning up to the obscure ceiling above. Collections of ancient artifacts belonging to the goddess and Her guides, and excepts of manuscripts from the Athame Codex. Athame overlooked all, Her head canted to the heavens above, flanked by Her guides, Janiri and Lucen, mythologized to have walked among the asari in their infancy, bestowing knowledge and the gift of biotics. Those relics of asari superiority, of the matriarchs hoarding the truth. There past Athame's statue, I felt the strongest of those clues. The clues of whatever awaited me past the grandiosity of that artwork—of the Protheans, the ones who tried before.
"Though Athame does have great historical significance. We once believed our gods were separate from the world, looking down on us. But now asari see everything as a cosmic whole. There is a universal energy from which all living things are formed."
I sensed that energy, that cosmic whole there within the structure. The same as before, stronger now.
But we couldn't go in to investigate. Not unless Liara decided to open the way for us again.
Gripping my hand in caution, Liara said, "Perhaps we shouldn't risk it this time. Aside from the asari councilor, there are several politicians in town for the holidays. Asari High Command has more eyes on the temple these days."
"We don't have to go inside," I settled. "Just being here is enough."
From the way Liara smiled at me, she seemed to agree.
Knowing the truth of those myths inside the temple, we chose to sit just outside the structure.
Knowing the lies Liara's people had taught her, we found shelter beneath this building.
We couldn't measure the truths, or the lies, or the time that had brought us to this point.
Immeasurable as our history was—just as immeasurable as the heavens looking down on us for this.
I sat with my back against the surface of the building. Liara draped her legs over my lap, sitting close enough for me to hold her to my chest. She rested her head against me, letting me be this shield of safety for her. We stayed dry from the rain, secluded enough to stare out at the elements instead. And I knew I couldn't seclude myself from Liara's observations like this. How she felt my heart beating like this, again, close enough for her to hear and listen to and study. Too conscious of the history, the experiences, the bridges burned and unburned that had brought us to this point…I felt my hands shaking as I held her.
But with this decision of mine, I found my resolve.
I held Liara with this firmer touch. Tensing, tightening my hands, holding her with this decisiveness instead. As precious as she was to me, I couldn't falter. I couldn't fail her. I couldn't fall away from my promises to her or to her mother. Even beyond my sense of duty to Liara, these emotions had found me that much harder. How I could've fallen to the depths of this world with Liara in my arms—I could have, and still I wouldn't let her go. She curled into me more, feeling this extra promise from me. This promise to let go, to take this leap of faith, and to jump off this cliff. Even with so much outside of our control.
"Liara…"
"Shepard."
Keeping her head along my chest, Liara canted her head upward to look at me properly.
The endlessness of her stare made me blank out. The misty gleam shining over the blues of her eyes, somehow shaped as this blanking in my mind. From Liara reading my mind and mapping this over me.
"You've done what I wanted," she whispered. "You have brought this full-circle for us. Back here."
Back here to the Temple of Athame.
"In a way, Shepard, you have brought us back home. We have both returned home to one another. You've returned home to me…at this end of our long journey. This journey of ours was not pretty or perfect by any means. We both suffered. We both made mistakes. I am not proud of everything in my past. I know you aren't, either. Maybe we found ourselves questioning too much. Questioning the point of it all. Why even bother. Those constant, unending cycles nearly ended us. Permanently. And yet…"
Reaching up to me, Liara brought her lips to mine, deeper in this hunger of hers.
The mist from the rain around us misted into our mouths, melting with this heat already between us. Hotter and hotter—volcanic temperatures rising from my implants, from our closeness, from her intentions. The light innocence of Liara's nostalgia for me; the fragile essence of her emotions, how she needed me so and couldn't hide it; and the seriousness of her dedication to this, to us, to our future together. I felt myself sweating in these confines of my layers of clothes separating my body from hers.
"And yet you're here," said Liara, breathing the truth out. "I always wanted to believe you would do this. That you would make the decision to put me first. This uncertainty brought me the most pain over the years. I never knew if you truly would… I never believed anything I could do for you would be enough."
"It's not about what you needed to do, Liara. Everything's brought us to this point. It had to happen."
"Yes, I've begun to accept that reasoning. Everything happens for a reason, as you humans say. You would not be who you are today if not for the past. Nor would I. I am hoping now that we can put the past behind us—without necessarily forgetting it. I want to make a new future. One for us, together."
Butterflies floating, flitting, flying right in my core:
Higher and higher they lifted these words I couldn't hold back anymore.
Holding Liara's face in my hand, this focus of her attention on me, I simply asked, "Will you be with me?"
The endless joy of Liara's smile brimmed through us both. These flames in her spirit reignited.
"My only answer is yes, Shepard. Finally, yes."
And the endless relief from this tension that had wound through her for so long. Liara buried herself in my arms, needing this moment from me. The way she gripped me, clinging to me, I felt the range of her truest feelings. Elated and broken and lost, all from having wandered for so long. Wayward as we both may have been. Holding her and holding her, I gave Liara these promises over and over again. Breaking my own habits. Remembering these changes, this growth I had found through her: having learned more patience of my own. More understanding. More compassion from her, adding and augmenting my own.
This idea we'd had of one another had died for a time. Changing, shifting, flowing. A constant flow of ideas and reverences and wishes unfulfilled. Yet I had found this magic of Liara's perfections through her imperfections. Knowing and seeing and experiencing for myself that I could forgive her, no matter what—and that she could do the same for me. Not just a fantasy, not just an in-love feeling. The practice of being this landing pad for one another. The only reality I could accept, shaped with her flaws and all.
Waiting for each other in some way over years and years. Only this guarantee of our trust in each other.
A thousand years as three, and now with the two of us finally as one.