Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

83. Starlight and Black Velvet

"Starlight Celebration" from Final Fantasy XIV / "Opulence" by OVXX (ContraPoints)

LXXXIII. Starlight and Black Velvet

(Shepard)

Sleeping with Liara in her bed after sleeping with her the night before—this dream came to me on Christmas morning. Maybe at a strange time. A dream ill-fitting for these joyful holiday times. Sanitized.

Unsanitized, the dark of this deep dungeon conjured within my mind. One as a prison for non-consensual corporal punishment, and as a lair for the consensual non-corporal kind. Both as one indistinguishable. The stone, the echoing, the lost light. The bottomless abyss at the end of this drop. This drop I shouldn't have been anywhere near. A steep cliff, hanging off the edge of nowhere.

Hanging here, I had Liara with me in this strangeness. This dual function. I lay face down over the freezing stone cold of this ground. Right at the edge. I grabbed onto Liara—as she should have fallen, without my support. She would have, should have. She stayed on with me. Easier to keep this grip with the uncharacteristic leather she wore. The structure of my desires shaped over her body, draped as pure sex appeal. A subconscious fetish to see her like this. Liara only existed as I wanted her to, hanging from this thread, this rope with me carrying her, gripping her body in my hands and in my arms. I should have just lifted her from this precarious state. But the surreal quality of this place had removed any urgency.

The only emergency left: gripping Liara like this as if I existed as a ceiling for her. Hanging here from my hold, she needed me to love her, to adore her. I didn't know why I obliged like this. I didn't know why I gave her this gift of my love in precariousness. The promise of constantly holding her up and never letting her go: Liara seemed to get off to it. She couldn't get enough, overwhelmed by my attention and my devotion at a time and place like this. Because my instinct should have been to let go. To let her go; to let anyone go. To cut this rope and cut my losses instead of struggling, putting in the effort. Trying.

Committing to her instead. Committing to Liara, even as I felt this tension growing and growing. I adored her now, knowing she needed far more from me in the future. Not even just in the future. Right now. Right then and there, she wanted me to do more. She wouldn't pressure me. She wouldn't dare compel me to let her go. She wouldn't take my attention away from her mouth, from my breaths over hers, from this slight of wetness shaped of her lips glossing into mine. Liara wanted and needed far more from me.

She wanted, needed me to commit right this second.

She wanted the future with me in the present.

She wanted me to be her everything to her—when all I had was a history of being nothing to everyone.

Every strand of my genetics, my blood, my history pushed me toward dropping Liara. Letting her go.

Except I couldn't do that. I couldn't do it to her. But I somehow lacked the strength to pull her up. Our mission against the enemy had taxed me, sapped me of my usual resolve. I could only be here and support her. I couldn't get her out of this dangerous situation. I could protect her, but I couldn't save her.

All we could do was exist like this, loving like this, until I found the strength to pull Liara up again.

Until then, she would somehow lose herself in my devotion. The only devotion I could give to her like this.

---

Barely dawn, and Thessia's vermillion skies shone through Liara's bedroom windows.

No more rain, no more storms.

The intensity of those memories stayed in this room regardless. The intensity from Liara, from the way she moved to me, needing me. Still unclothed from the night before. Still ridiculously alluring and beautiful and wanting. She wanted me and she didn't stop herself. She moved on top of me, pressing her lips to mine and to my face and my neck and any part of my skin she could reach. Sweating and heating, this insulation from beneath her sheets and blanket nearly baked us alive. Not just that heat, but from Liara herself. Her insistence. Her possessiveness again and again. This one continuation.

Urgent, clinging, needing, Liara stayed with me just like this. Like this was our last day together. Like she didn't even want the rest of her room to have a hold on me at all. Not her bed, not anything. She wanted to be the only one surrounding me. Especially after last night, after we'd gotten back from the mall. Liara wouldn't let me go. She had barely let herself fall asleep after the time I gave her last night. Now she wanted to keep that going. And she did—she kept on and on, as such a real fire of craving.

Barely breathing into her breathlessness, Liara made me dizzy like this.

Then she pulled away for a moment.

She stopped, keeping her face right in front of mine.

Just looking at me.

Not doing anything.

Just observing me, even as my omni-tool went off with received emails. This focus in Liara's stare: she tacitly asked me to ignore them for now. We both knew what day it was today.

I saw the uncertainty of my expression reflected in the diamonds of Liara's eyes.

She smiled at me, kneading another kiss over my lips before saying, "I love you, Shepard."

How she needed this moment with me. This affirmation.

Not at all uncertain: "I love you, too, Liara. Good morning…?"

Giggling over my confusion, how overwhelmed I was, she replied, "Good morning to you as well. Did you actually get some sleep?"

"Yeah, I did. Had a weird dream, though."

"Hmm, what was it about?"

I explained everything in detail. Everything except for my interpretation of what happened.

Liara listened in a mix of shock and amusement.

"What?" I asked her, thrown by her odd enjoyment.

"Nothing," she claimed. "You have an active imagination, that's all."

That lack of her immediate understanding blunted me a bit.

I didn't know if I felt like speaking the rest. My interpretation. Then again, maybe it was just that—an interpretation.

"Are you upset?" asked Liara. "What is this look in your eyes?"

"I don't know. It's not like I have dreams all that often since I don't need to sleep."

"Are you reading into something?"

"Maybe I am."

Liara paused for a moment. Deep in thought. She gave me a chance to elaborate, to tell her more.

Not wanting to ruin the mood—or ruin the day—I stayed quiet instead.

Liara hummed in a bit of knowing, smiling at me anyway. That tease, that glint in her eye. Such a good mood she was in. A wonderful mood that I didn't want to ruin for her.

"Well, if you'd rather not talk about it, I won't force you. I'm going to take a shower now. Will you join me? Or will you wait until I'm finished? It sounds as if people are starting to wake up downstairs."

"I'll take my turn after you. I should see what these emails are about."

"Probably from your adoring fans. I'll be back soon, then."

Sealing this brief goodbye over my lips, Liara left for the shower. I watched her go. I watched everything about her. The shape of her body; the way she looked at me over her shoulder as she went, as if to tease me more for not coming with her. Only once she disappeared inside the bathroom did I collapse back down onto the bed. I could've had her again and again in there. There beneath the stream of the warm shower water. This strangeness of my own character just had to get in the way one more time.

Even more strangeness: I could've just gone to my room downstairs. But with the whole team here, having spent the night in their guest rooms, I thought twice about it. I had no idea how everyone would react to Santa's extra gifts under the tree. Avoiding it for now seemed best. I opened my emails instead.

From: Kasumi – Hey again.

Shep,

It's been a while, huh? Sorry for being MIA. Guess it's not so out-of-character for a thief like me. Still, we've been through a lot. I'll never forget how you helped me deal with Donovan Hock, letting me get my partner's greybox back safely. I still have it, by the way. Keiji's memories. They've helped me a lot lately.

I know I left the team because I couldn't handle your current mission. Fighting Reapers on the frontlines. I said it's not my thing. And it isn't. So I've been focusing on 'my thing,' which is sneaking around and stealing valuables. These days, I'm mostly snooping around the intel that leaked about the salarian dalatrass. The shady business deals she made with Sur'Kesh. Maybe you've heard about it on the news.

I'm just taking advantage of the fallout from all these rich people, honestly. Finishing off anyone who was dumb enough to trust in a crazy idea like that. It's been pretty fun. But there's someone who was smart enough to avoid the whole mess altogether. Dr. Eva Coré, the Illusive Man's old war buddy. I've been keeping an eye on her, too. She's in Bekenstein handling her company these days. Something always seems to bring me back to this colony. I'll probably be here for a while, finding out what I can.

I thought of asking you to say hello to Jack for me. She still isn't answering my emails. Can't say I'm surprised, really. I'm sad I've lost a friend like her. I hope she's doing okay. On the bright side, I'm glad you got back together with Liara. On the last mission, it seemed to me like you were avoiding something. Avoiding her. You didn't even want to think about her most of the time. I know what it's like, so seeing it in you was pretty recognizable. The two of you remind me of the old Japanese mythology about Amaterasu and Tsukuyomi. Amaterasu, the sun goddess, and Tsukuyomi, her husband of the moon. You're obviously the sun. Liara's more like the ocean, but the moon does control the sea's tides. She's always been as devoted to you as the ocean waters are to the sandy shoes of any beach out there. I hope you'll take care of her.

-Kasumi

.

From: Sha'ira – Checking in.

Commander,

I wished to thank you for your service on the Citadel. You and your team helped avert another calamity here on the station. Your efforts are felt by everyone. Many of my clients have spoken more of you in these recent days. Know that they are grateful for your work, even if they cannot reach you directly.

It will take some time before things settle down here. I understand it will also be some time before you return to the Citadel. I do hope our conversations have proved useful for you. I can tell a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders lately. Even as your mission exerts these new physical trials upon you. I am confident you will weather these storms with strength and grace. And should you need any further assistance, know that my door will always be open to you.

Enjoy the holidays with your friends and loved ones. Until next we meet.

-Sha'ira

.

From: Aria – (no subject)

Shepard,

Yes, it's me. I know you blocked my other email address. I'm using a different one.

I don't need you to respond to this message. Well, I do, but I know you won't reply. Just read it.

I heard you and your team are on Thessia. I'm also aware you were on Omega recently. Beelzebub couldn't have suddenly fallen and made itself vulnerable if not for you. You couldn't be bothered to speak to me while you were in town. Again. So I suppose we're back to old times now. The old status quo of you not giving a fuck about me, too focused on other people. I really don't know why I'm surprised by this.

It scares me. How good you are at erasing the past. Forgetting it. Deleting everything. Like it never even happened in the first place. Feels like I don't exist anymore. I can't explain how much I despise you for it.

I still have to live with this. Even if you don't. I have to live with my daughter on her birthday today, constantly referencing you and asking about you. She still doesn't understand what happened. I'm not sure if I can have that real conversation with her. I don't need her to see me any worse than I already am.

Regardless of anything, I want to see you again. At some point. So, perhaps against my better judgment, your team has permission to come back to Afterlife. For shore leave—if that's what they want to do. I'm still cleaning up the mess left behind on Omega after the coup. I'd rather not get into the details. All you need to know is that the situation with Nyreen has been dealt with, partly thanks to you. I figure I owe you some kind of gratitude for keeping your promise to me. About helping me get my station back. But there's a catch. There's always a catch with me, isn't there?

You and your team can come and go as they please. But she had better not show her face on my station. I'll never accept that I lost to her. Little Liara. Except I should've known better. I always knew there was something about that girl. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I never wanted to believe she was scheming behind my back, pretending to be this goody little two shoes to my face, all while secretly plotting to get back together with you. Even if she didn't do it on purpose, that is what happened.

If it were anyone else, I wouldn't care this much. I wouldn't hate this strongly. It's just because it's her. The one person I know you can actually commit to—fears and hesitations and flaws and all. No matter what she does, I know you'll always go back to her. No matter how far you run away, she will find a way to bring you back again. Every time. Every fucking time. That's what's killing me. So don't bring her here.

I understand Liara isn't the root of the issue. I'm the one who lied and kept secrets. I fucked up. I went right back to my worst instincts at the absolute worst time. And this is my bitter reward. It's…easier to put someone else's face to my mistakes. I'm asking you to let me have this. This one thing. Just this once.

-Aria

.

Not knowing how to gauge this last email, I stared at her message for a long while.

I couldn't imagine a scenario where we would go to Afterlife for shore leave again.

I replied to Kasumi and Sha'ira, anyway. For Aria, I didn't know what to say. Saying nothing seemed best.

Besides, I felt like one other person meant to message me as well. Such a conspicuous silence from her.

After I finished with my shower, Liara had plans for me. Plans to take my mind off of the rest. She brought me a wrapped gift. Bundled and weighty in her hands, the box looked quite substantial.

"I bought this for you, Shepard," she said, offering the present to me. "Will you open it now?"

Taking it in my hands, I asked, "You don't want me to open it downstairs with everyone else?"

"Not in front of everyone. I wanted you to relax with this first. Then we can head downstairs."

"Well, okay. Thank you, babe. I'll open it now."

Liara watched me unwrap this gift from her. Taking my time, not wanting to rip or tear the wrapping, I felt a bit self-conscious. Just from the focus, the intensity of her stare. While unfolding this intricate paper, I started wondering what this box was. What was in it. Felt like it had a bunch of separate parts placed together. Mechanical parts, maybe. I almost felt them shifting around in my hands. Not loose, not unaccounted for. Something sturdy and organized. This tactile puzzle had left me puzzled.

Then I unveiled the box. The logo, the cover.

Such a surprise: Liara had bought me a set of model ships. Alliance ships and dreadnoughts like the SSV Orizaba. Ships I could assemble and put together myself. Beginner-friendly with instructions included.

"A new hobby?" I asked her, grinning over the suggestion.

"Maybe," she said, smiling right back. "I figured you might find it relaxing. You have time to learn now."

Overjoyed by Liara's thoughtfulness, I couldn't wait to get started.

She accommodated my excitement. Giving us more time before we went downstairs, Liara guided me to open this box. I sat down on the floor of her room, spreading everything out around me. As I dove into the provided instructions, making sure I had everything, Liara kept watch over me. She sat at her desk just nearby. While she typed at her computer, going over a bit of work, she would glance at me on occasion. Checking on my progress. Making sure I was doing all right. She let me have this quiet task. Every now and then, she would come over to me. Kneeling down, stroking my hair. She would ask me:

"How is everything going, Shepard?"

And I would reply, "Think I'm getting the hang of it."

Enthralled by my enthrallment, Liara would kiss the top of my head before returning to her work.

Learning, tinkering, creating. I enjoyed this more than I thought I would. The small details, the precision. I felt much calmer doing this. Much more prepared to face the rest of the day; our next social hours. Our many social hours for the rest of the day, and later on that night for the debauchery that awaited us.

---

Liara and I finally went downstairs for the morning.

We found everyone in the living room, talking and laughing and practically bouncing up and down with excitement together. In their own ways. Right away I heard Joker cackling, those echoes reaching us down the hall as we approached. Wrex and Garrus laughed along with him. By the time we rounded the corner, everyone else came into view. EDI, Legion, Tali, Jack, Samara, Traynor, Cortez, Dr. Chakwas, and Kaidan. This sight of them sitting near the Christmas tree, waiting on Liara and me to get down here. Joker and Kaidan had on their ugly Christmas sweaters again. Legion wore that cute Santa hat, and EDI had on her festive, colorful outfit. Mordin and Even had promised to stop by later on in the day.

Some of my awkwardness crept through, taking in everyone's excitement. They couldn't wait to unwrap their Secret Santa presents—and these so-called extra gifts under the tree from Santa. I supposed I would never get used to this kind of thing. Existing with my team as equals, as normal, on a holiday. Sitting on this couch with Liara and Tali, looking on at everyone fighting not to tear off their wrapped presents. How they smiled, how they expressed their surprise—and even confusion—over their gifts.

Wrex blurted out, "What the hell?! What are these, boxing gloves?"

He tried and failed to put the human-sized gloves over his hands, to no avail.

Joker couldn't breathe from laughing so hard. "Dude, they don't even fit you!"

"Not this again…"

I tried my hardest not to laugh. I didn't want to give myself away.

Hopefully later, Wrex would notice I'd had that workout equipment installed on the Normandy for him.

Then Liara opened her Secret Santa gift. She wasn't supposed to know it was from me. By the pleasant little smile on her face, she probably had a hunch. I did my best to not seem too invested as I watched her. Even still, seeing her eyes light up at the sight of this gift: it warmed me beyond measure. I couldn't tell her, and I couldn't express this. I hoped that my presence right by her side proved to be enough.

"Is this…a mod for my biotic amp?" she asked, turning over the device in her hands.

Garrus chimed in, "That looks familiar. It's a specialty mod, I think. Boosts your kinetic barriers against marksman shots. Sniper shots specifically. This one looks pretty strong."

"Sniper shots, hm?" wondered Tali. "Who could have thought of that for Liara? I have no idea!"

Glancing at the ceiling didn't seem to be enough to conceal me.

Liara latched onto me with a hug anyway, amusing everyone who saw.

"What are the odds?" she whispered in my ear. "You ended up picking me after all. Maybe it's a sign."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Mmm, I'm sure you don't. Then don't mind me finding another way to surprise you later tonight."

I used to think no one could surprise me all that easily.

Liara had really started to change my mind these days.

Then Kaidan opened his Secret Santa present. The smallest box out of anyone's, his gift was the most deceptive. The smallest, but not without meaning. His person had managed to find a recording from his parents on Earth, fighting for the resistance against the enemy. A message from his mother and father, wishing him well for the holidays, and urging him to enjoy this time; to not worry about them.

Tearing up, he wiped at the corners of his eyes.

"I can't believe this… They're doing okay out there. How did my person get this for me?! It's incredible! I wish I could thank them properly. Wow!"

Such a thoughtful gift. I wondered if Liara had picked Kaidan's name. Of course she wouldn't tell me.

Some of these other secret gifts left me wondering. Samara received a voucher for free gun purchases on the Citadel, a perk someone in C-Sec would've had access to at some point. Legion opened its present and found a self-help book on picking up organic women, written for the everyday manly macho man. Garrus got an IOU for tequila shots at a club of his choice, but who was he supposed to charge without knowing their identity? Someone gifted Jack a batch of colorful lingerie and assorted sex toys, making her crack up over how stupid it all was. Wrex got…a krogan-sized maid outfit, making the entire living room erupt in laughter. Joker opened his box and found a collection of handwritten postcards, each written to him anonymously and collected over a period of several months. Traynor found herself with a series of informational vids about programming and cybersecurity. EDI received a new set of attachments and upgrades for her shotguns and her omni-tool.

Tali's reaction to her secret gift stood out the most to me. On the verge of tears, she couldn't believe it.

"This can't be real," she said, taking the familiar-looking machine in her hands. "Is this…an automaton?"

The same automaton model that belonged to her ancestor Tahlia back on Rannoch.

I had a strong feeling about who'd picked Tali's name. Because if I had picked her, I would've found a way to get her the same thing. I knew someone in particular had gone out of their way to do this for her.

As for the other secret presents from me, I had no idea if the team had figured this out or not. That they were from me. Dr. Chakwas smiled over her Serrice ice brandy and medi-gel booster. Her gift and everyone else's proved popular enough. Traynor wouldn't stop gushing over the old-fashioned chess board I bought her, apparently a huge fan of the game, and Cortez got a little emotional over the ship trinket I got for him, not having expected anyone to get him anything. Joker and Kaidan wouldn't stop talking about the baseball merch I bought them. Garrus tried on his new visor right away, excited to take it for a spin during our next mission. EDI also shared her excitement over the upgrades I picked out for her. Samara had a fine joy about her as she flipped through the book I gave her about different types of warriors across the galaxy. Legion spent a long time analyzing those new dating sim video games. Jack talked up the new biotic amp I got her, wondering aloud why she never thought to get one for herself.

Tali and Liara spent a long time hugging their new plush gifts. That penguin for Tali, having reminded me of the qiqirn people on Rannoch. And the baby blue Yoshi plush for Liara. From the way she smiled at me, she knew. I tried not to smile back at her, but I couldn't deny how much I loved her reaction.

For some reason, Joker came over and handed me my Secret Santa gift. The box looked pretty thin.

"Hey, this one's for you, Commander! It's definitely not from me, though. Promise."

"Thanks for giving that away?"

"No problem!"

Okay…

Opening this present, I tried not to look around at anyone. Whoever picked my name for this might've given themselves away. Maybe by looking nervous or something as I did this. I couldn't imagine who'd had the misfortune of getting assigned to me. I knew I was probably a difficult person to shop for. But as I turned this gift around in my hands, still unwrapping, it didn't seem too high-maintenance to me. Light and compact, it didn't feel like an actual item to use or anything like that. Was this just a datapad?

Too preoccupied with the team around us, Tali and Liara next to me didn't notice what I opened:

This really was just a datapad.

A datapad—a letter from the person who picked my name for this.

Even from glancing, skimming over the words, I felt an unusual amount of meaning here. Sentimentality.

Commander,

Forgive me. I'm trying to disguise my writing. You're not supposed to know who I am. That's the fun part.

I figured I should get you something different. Something outside the box. Buying you something didn't seem feasible. You have all the money in the galaxy. You can buy anything you want. I'm not sure if you know how lucky you are. Not only because of your wealth. But because of who you are, what you've accomplished. At the same time, I can't imagine the pressure you must be under every single day.

You're very inspiring, you know. I'm honored to serve with you. My honor's also keeping me from saying everything I want to say. Everything I want to tell you. Some of it is a bit silly. The rest is insanely personal. I don't know how you'd even feel about it. Maybe you can already guess what it might be.

Whatever happens out there, Commander, I want you to be happy. I want you to be okay. I'll be doing my best to help you in any way I can. Any way I know how. This is all I can do, and I treasure it.

All the best,

Anonymous

.

Anonymous?

Thinking it over, maybe they weren't so anonymous after all.

I fought not to look over at who I thought this was. Despite the disguises, it seemed painfully obvious.

Their letter was cute, anyway. Edging on that verge of something more. But still cute nonetheless.

As these non-secret presents, I gave Liara and Tali the new weapons I'd bought for them. The sleek Paladin pistol for Liara, and the hefty Wraith shotgun for Tali. Both N7-grade, promising to do some real damage out on the field. They fawned over my gifts to them, thanking me profusely. Liara had already given me that present earlier—those model ships I wanted to keep working on. Tali surprised me with this gift she'd gotten for me. The Death Penalty mythic gun from Rannoch. The one that meant so much to her. I'd had no idea she intended on giving this to me. I admired the craftsmanship of this gun, already imagining where I could put it on display in my private cabin. Didn't seem like something I should physically use. I wanted to keep this safe with me: a memory of our time on her homeworld.

Once the excitement from gift-giving settled down, everyone separated into smaller groups, talking together and sharing breakfast. Liara got caught up playing host here at home, making sure each person had something to eat. I noticed Tali had disappeared somewhere. So I went down the hall to her room.

There I found Tali lounging over her bed, checking her omni-tool. She had her Christmas gifts spread out nearest her pillows. Including that automaton with all the necessary attachments. It didn't look active at the moment. I assumed she still needed to do some tinkering before she got it working properly.

"Tali?" I asked, knocking on the wall by the door. "Can I come in?"

"Sure!" she said, beckoning me over. "How's everything going, Shepard? Enjoying Christmas so far?"

"I guess so. It's not as awkward as I thought it would be."

"Hmm? Why would it be awkward? It's been fun seeing everyone's reactions to their presents. Especially Wrex. He's got quite a few gag gifts today. Those were too funny."

"I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with you being in here. Instead of with the team."

Laughing to herself, Tali didn't seem to have a real response to that.

Sounded to me like there was more to this story. This story of her avoiding the others out there.

So I sat down with Tali over her bed. She remained pleasant at first, leaning against me for comfort. Then reality began to settle in. She knew what I had picked up on. We couldn't avoid this conversation.

"Tali, what's going on? Is there something you need to tell me?"

"There's something going on," she confirmed, oddly vague. "But I don't want to tell you about it."

"Why not? You know I'm here for you. If there's anything you need me to do…"

Amused again, Tali clarified, "That's just it. I don't need you to do anything this time. Let me handle it." But… "I know, I know. You want to help. You want to do anything you can for me. And I love you for that. I really do. I'm dealing with it in my own way. You don't need to worry about me, all right?"

I didn't like hearing that.

Tali knew and took pity on me. She pinched my cheek in fondness, making me suddenly aware of how deep my scowl had gone. I wanted to step in and help, but then again:

"I'll stay out of it, then. I respect whatever you need to do, Tali. But if the situation changes…"

"If the situation changes, I'll let you know."

A suitable compromise.

"Anyway, enough about that," she declared. "I've been trying to figure out how to get this automaton working. It's another reason why I escaped in here. I didn't want any distractions while I did my research. Looks like there's an animator I have to install in my omni-tool. That'll give life to the automaton itself. Then I'll have to arrange the various attachments to get the motors and other functions started. It's really complicated, even for me. Mostly because the technology is so old."

"Have you been able to find any resources?"

"Yes, I'm checking around Rannoch's intranet. They aren't connected to the galaxy-wide extranet. Not legally. Quarians being quarians, the people hiding on my homeworld found ways to get around those barriers. It's how they've kept anyone from tracking them or spotting their presence online. I was able to find my own loopholes, getting access to their intranet. I sadly haven't been able to find much about these old automatons. I was starting to get distracted by everything else they have on their websites."

"Like what?" I wondered.

Tali showed me her omni-tool's browser: "Look here. This is one of their top news sites. See all the headlines about events outside of Rannoch? They're keeping close track of us beyond the Perseus Veil."

From all the recent headlines, this looked like any other news website from Earth or Palaven or Thessia.

"Here's the thing, though. This site is from the Empire of Aht Urhgan. Other countries on Rannoch have similar information. Except for the Isle of Thavnair. They only have local events on their news pages."

"Why's that?"

"From what I can tell, there's a clear divide between Thavnair and the rest of Rannoch. The people of Radz-at-Han resent the rest of the world for leaving behind their roots and culture in favor of us outsiders. See how they have all these celebrations of their music, their fashion, their dance, and their language? Looks like they want to keep it that way."

"Strange," I mentioned. "The empire and the rest of Rannoch hate outsiders. But they stay up-to-date on what we're up to. Or do they really just not like the Migrant Fleet?"

"That's probably it," agreed Tali. "The Hannish people want to keep their isolation, just like everyone else. They're realizing the Reaper invasion won't spare them. When I spoke to her before, Empress Nash'Meira hinted at something like this happening. I wonder how she'll get Radz-at-Han to coordinate with the empire against the enemy. Thavnair's crown prince probably doesn't even want to speak with Nash'Meira. The divide between Thavnair and Aht Urhgan runs very deep these days."

"Sounds like you might have to get involved. You know, for your mission as a Spectre. Whenever the Reapers attack Rannoch, we'll need Radz-at-Han's leaders to work with us, too. Not just Empress Nash'Meira."

"You're right."

I asked her, "When do you want to head back there?"

"Hmm… Unless the empress calls us back, we should probably wait. Admiral Raan will call on us at some point. You know, to help with the Flotilla. They're dealing with their own internal issues as well. We promised to help them. I'm trying not to think about it, though. The whole thing makes me anxious."

"Sorry," I offered. "I shouldn't have brought it up."

"No, it's not your fault. This is just the way things are now. It'll be over eventually."

Avoiding that anxiety, I insisted to Tali that she continue her research. Focusing on her new automaton seemed like the best use of her time. I left her to her own devices, returning to the living room. I spotted Wrex flexing his muscles in Samara's direction, offering to give her a more hands-on lesson about krogan battlemasters, as a nod to that book on galaxy-wide warriors I gifted her. Samara blunted his attempts, suggesting that maybe Eve would be more susceptible to his charms. Everyone else had their own conversations going elsewhere. But as another sign of strangeness, I found Joker sitting by himself on the couch. He had hunched over his omni-tool, checking feverishly for something there.

"Joker?" I asked. "What's going on? You look upset."

"Oh… Hey, Shepard. No, I was just—err, checking for news."

"News?"

"Yeah, about my family. The vid Kaidan got of his parents made me think of them."

"Right, your Dad and your sister on Tiptree. You didn't evacuate them to the refugee housing?"

"They didn't want to go," he explained. "I tried. Kept asking them. Begged a few times. Everything was fine at first. I mean, Tiptree's out in the middle of nowhere. Why would the Reapers go invade some random colony? The thing is, I haven't heard from them in a few days now. Starting to think I should've hauled them aboard the Normandy when I had the chance."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine, it's fine. I shouldn't have been checking around like this. Driving me crazy. Not thinking about it is kinda my only coping strategy. I'm sticking with it for as long as I can."

I pointed out, "You know that's not sustainable, Joker."

"Yeah, I know. Don't worry about me, Commander. I've got it under control. I'll lose my mind about it later on when it's safe. Or maybe it'll buy me some time until I hear from them again."

Always joking around, even in this kind of situation.

"If that's what you'd rather do, I won't mention it again."

Putting on that brave face of his, Joker chatted with me a bit more as he left to the kitchen. I followed him as we talked. Just to make sure he would be okay. He seemed fine enough, but I could never be sure. He insisted he was fine, shifting his attention to food for some reason. Needing to cook something.

Needing some space to breathe, I left outside through the sliding glass doors.

I wasn't surprised to find Samara out here in the park. She sat in the shade of a tree, looking peaceful and at ease, just as she always did. Smiling over my presence, her calmness seemed to beckon me over.

"Good morning, Commander," greeted Samara. "And Happy Holidays as well. Won't you sit with me?"

"Sure, Samara," I said, kneeling at her side. "Were you meditating again?"

"No, not this time. I was simply contemplating. The book I received from our mysterious benefactor piqued my curiosity. I will have to read it at a later time—once things settle down here in the house. With so much excitement around, concentrating on a single task can be difficult."

"I know what you mean. What were you contemplating about?"

"Before Apollo's attack on the Citadel, I had gone exploring in the bookstore there. I managed to find various spiritual texts from Earth. Most notably the Bhagavad Gita, translated from Sanskrit. It details various matters surrounding reality and the mind. How the body may be temporary, but the soul is eternal. That energy returns to other lifeforms once a person passes on. Does this not sound familiar?"

"Yeah, it does," I agreed. "I had no idea you'd take such an interest in human spirituality."

"Nor did I. My excursions on your homeworld over our break proved most enlightening. The many tales and myths from Buddhism and Hinduism in particular have stayed with me. I enjoy learning what I can."

"You should tell me more about it when you get the chance. I've always liked those myths."

"Certainly," said Samara. "Another time. Are you well, Shepard? This mission has already tested us."

"Yeah, it has. I'm doing okay. For the most part. Getting used to these changes."

"I would imagine so. You do seem—different these days. Have you felt any growing pains from your changes?"

"Growing pains," I repeated. "That's one way to put it."

"You are not used to occasions such as these. Being present with the entire team. The emotional toils of our mission calls for a gentler touch with each of our teammates. Much of their morale hinges on you including yourself as you are now. I can tell you find it exhausting. Although you wish it were not so."

I deflected, "The joys of being an introvert. I'll have to go recharge after this."

"Yes, I sympathize. You may find a good opportunity to do so soon. Everyone has broken off into their own smaller groups. They will not notice if you slip away for a little while."

"Good idea. I think I'll head to my room, then. I'm guessing you won't be at that party tonight?"

Samara smiled over the thought. "I'm afraid not. I would not want to bring the mood down. I will stay here in the room Liara generously provided for me. Do not let me keep you any longer, Commander. The park will keep me company until nightfall."

"All right, Samara. Take it easy. I'll see you around."

All I had to do was sneak through the living room and get back to the hallway. Then I could get to my room. Distracted by the vid screen now, finding something to watch, the team didn't spot me entering back through the sliding glass door. But as soon as I was about to pass the kitchen, someone found me.

Knowing I was trying to sneak off, Joker didn't say anything.

Instead, he held out the baking tray in his hands. Freshly-baked gingerbread cookies.

"Are these for me?" I asked. Joker smiled more in his hideous Christmas sweater. "But I thought these were for Santa."

The quiet gesture of him easing the tray just a little closer to me. Emphasizing this gift, this meaning.

I glanced over at the team, how they each interacted with those presents I had bought for them.

Not knowing what else to say, I accepted the tray from Joker's hold. He knew not to make a big deal out of this, leaving me to enjoy these treats. I brought the cookies with me to the empty kitchen. Leaning over the counter, staring out the nearest window, I noted the flavor of these treats. How Joker and the others had used extra cinnamon while making these. If they knew anything about me, they knew I liked cinnamon. I took a bite out of this treat, keeping my watering eyes to the window. This scratching in my throat and this stinging in my eyes stayed with me the entire time. I listened to everyone just next door in the living room. And eventually, I heard Liara's footsteps over the kitchen floor, coming over to me.

I couldn't make myself turn around. Too exposed. She rubbed my back with that knowing touch of hers.

---

Later that night, Liara brought me back up to her room. Everyone else had already left for the so-called costume party. Everyone who planned on going, anyway. Hoping to throw them off the trail, Liara and I claimed to be staying home tonight, not to be disturbed. The team easily bought our story for the night.

In these brighter lights of the bathroom, I felt the heat bearing down on us. The heat from the night so far—from our growing anticipation, not knowing what to expect. And this extra heat from Liara herself. How she had surprised me: putting on this dark bodycon dress and heels. Something a bit more revealing than the dress she'd worn yesterday. The tight hem of her dress hugged right at that perfect spot of her thighs, shaping Liara as I knew her. This strong scent of her new perfume hovered through the room, sitting in the air as this aroma of spring rain. Bolstering her cleavage, I stared down at the beads of sweat shadowed there over her skin. From this heat in the lights. And maybe something else.

Liara actually smirked at me. "Shepard. You're staring."

"Yeah…can you blame me?"

"Not at all. I enjoy it. Are you ready for your costume now?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"Put this on," said Liara, transferring a program to my omni-tool. "I made it just for you. For tonight."

A glamour program? Some kind of high-end disguise. Government-grade. Not remotely for common use.

Checking what Liara had crafted for me, it looked like this would change my whole appearance.

"Cross-dressing?" I asked. "Wait, no. This is straight-up drag. This program would make me look just like a man."

"Only temporarily," she clarified. "Even with a mask on, anyone would be able to spot you. You're very distinctive. I figured it would be best to change some of those characteristics. Otherwise, where is the fun in going to a costume party? Everyone would recognize you. Wouldn't that defeat the purpose?"

"That's true…"

Looking a bit further, this thing seemed pretty advanced. The illusion would change almost everything about me—except for my hair and skin tones. Practically a twin brother of myself as I existed now. Different bone structure. Flat chest. A deeper voice to help disguise my own. And…a shorter hairstyle. Already I felt myself touching my own hair, stressed about not having this anymore.

Liara reminded me again, "It is only temporary, Shepard. You won't feel any difference from your perspective. Other people will simply perceive you as the program enables. Nothing more than that."

Only temporary. Just for the party.

I could live with this for one night. For fun, for the novelty.

Once I enabled the program, I didn't feel any different. Exactly as Liara had said. I stared at myself in the mirror, shocked and not shocked at the same time. This stronger, more defined structure to my jaw, my broader shoulders, thicker wrists and hands, and the straight-and-narrow shape of my hips stood out the most. Somewhere, the length of my hair still ran down my back, and yet this illusion persisted. This illusion of my shorter hair, buzzed along the back and the sides, and finely combed back at the top for a sharp, professional look. This outfit Liara had picked out for me gave off the same energy. The button-down shirt, the nice trousers, the fine pair of dress shoes. Blue and black this time instead of all-black like yesterday. She even made sure to throw in some rebellion for my look. The silver of this dog-collar-like chain around my neck. The boyish, silver rings adorning my hands, to throw people off even further. People knew I didn't wear jewelry.

To top it all off, Liara included a strap-on for me already. Tucked and packed away within the tightness of my boxer briefs.

Surprised by her handiwork, Liara took her turn to stare at me this time.

"Now you're staring," I teased, knowing I didn't quite sound the same.

"This is—more than what I expected."

"And what did you expect, babe?"

Liara smoothed her hands down my shoulders, my biceps. This tighter fit of the fabric from the larger girth of my muscles. Not too large. Not as if I had suddenly started working out. Noticeable enough. She did the same to my chest. The same differences. Lean and defined and ambiguous. The slight thickness of my neck: muscles as stronger weaves beneath my skin. Until she reached my face, cupping me here.

"I honestly couldn't say. Seeing you like this puts things into perspective for me. You are unusually attractive regardless of your gender. Almost like a chameleon."

Unusually attractive. What did that mean?

"No beard?" I wondered. "Clean-shaven?"

"I couldn't imagine you with a beard. Besides, I figured it would be too much." Liara then handed me my mask—a golden cover for my eyes down to my nose. "Here, take this. I wanted it to match your hair. If only to make some people look twice at you and wonder. The mind games should prove interesting."

Liara had clearly put a lot of thought into this. And I loved her more for it.

Once she collected her own mask—a black and silver one shaped like mine—we left the house together.

Thinking ahead, Liara had ordered a rental car for us. She didn't want us to waste time with public transportation on a night like this. Driving straight to the party proved convenient for us. Offering to drive, I guided Liara to her seat on the passenger's side, holding her hand up as she sat down inside. Heading around to the driver's side, already I felt myself basking in this novelty. The gleam of Thessia's nightlife seemed to hone in on us, shining brighter and with more extravagance for our sake alone.

Gathering with those sights, the brights of the car's dashboard illuminated the interior of this car. The smell of artificial cinnamon, ordered by Liara on purpose for me, for the both of us. An eternal reminder of my own car back home on Earth. With those reminders came these other comforts. The freedom to buzz my music through the car. Not quite blasting—I wanted to have a conversation with Liara as I drove along, as I held her hand. This contented bliss about her spoke wonders.

Driving past these other skycars among the high-rises, following these directions, I had a few questions:

"So, where exactly is this place we're going to? Looks like it's on the edge of town. Out of the way."

"Yes, this is one of my old classmates' vacation homes. It technically belongs to her parents. They are out of town at another one of their vacation spots. So my classmate thought to throw a party."

"And this classmate of yours just invited everyone?"

"Mostly other asari our age. The location is called the Odyssey. It is similar enough to a palace, as this family is among the wealthiest across Thessia's republics. Some people judge them for having such an extravagant home. My classmate's adult party is meant as a joke. A scandal to bother our parents with."

"How well do you know this classmate?"

"I hardly know her," said Liara, rather indifferent. "She used to bully me back in school. The usual reasons. How awkward I was. Not being part of the 'cool club' or whatever they called it. But now that so much has changed, our school history has been set aside. She asked me to bring you. 'Please bring your girlfriend Commander Shepard.' Those were her exact words to me."

I felt my hand over the controls tensing, flexing. "If she used to bully you, then I should speak with her."

Liara laughed softly, pleased by my protectiveness. "Oh, she'll be locked away in her ivory tower. A separate VIP area we won't have access to. We may have set aside our history, but she won't be foolish enough to show her face to you. Not even with our disguises on. We won't see her at all tonight."

"Figures."

"I wouldn't worry about it. That's all in the past now. You are rich and powerful. My peers have finally recognized my own personal accomplishments. This is our reality today."

"Yeah, but you've always been someone, Liara. Just because you're with me, or you have their approval, it doesn't change anything. We have this going on now, sure. The clothes, the opulence, the lifestyle. None of this matters in the long-run, though. It doesn't define you. It doesn't define me, either."

"I know," she said. "Not everyone is as wise as you are. These surface-level details mean everything to certain others. So we'll pretend to indulge them tonight. As long as I'm with you, I am happy to do this."

The near-palace of her classmate's vacation home soon came into view.

Edging the shore of a beach, the massive property dazzled between the moonlight, and the ebb and flow of the sea. The Odyssey boasted an ostentatious blend of new and old: the ancient high-brow architecture of a Thessian estate, mixed with the boisterous modernity of the upgraded façade. Driving toward the building from the top-down, the infinity pool along the roof glazed beneath the stars, the deceptive edge falling off the side of the building as a thin, sleek waterfall. Countless windows gave a glimpse of the many rooms inside the palace. Endless people massed outside, dressed in their upscale masks and costumes as they headed in.

From this outside view, I might not have been able to tell there was a sex party going on inside.

Maybe some type of black tie event. A fundraiser, or any expected high-brow soirée. Definitely not this.

Once we landed and parked the car, I brought Liara to the entrance with me. We passed by a series of knee-high lamps lining the pavement, guiding us where we needed to go. We also passed these crowds of people. Apparently, not everyone had permission to go inside. The parking lot and the entryway had turned into an impromptu gathering. All these asari, humans, and turians stared at Liara and me from behind their masks. Their elegance and suggestiveness. Some of these upscale disguises had that skimpier slant to them. Some more overt than others. Fuck me boots. Skintight latex skirts. Shirtless human guys with collars and leather pants on. Maybe some of them were refugees from Labyrinthos.

Some of the twisted smiles on those masks reminded me to be more alert.

Everyone eyed Liara and me both—how I held her waist in my arm, how I kept her close to me. These subconscious gestures I made whenever we would round a corner: turning my shoulder toward Liara, just enough to guard her from anyone else walking by. Or even from anyone staring at her body too much for my liking. Liara had this little smile on her face the whole time. The mask she wore sat on the bridge of her nose, accentuating the visible part of her expression. She enjoyed this for so many reasons. Most of all the hints of my own reactions. How my heart would beat harder whenever I moved closer to Liara, catching this nearer scent of her new perfume. The tight fabric of her dress sloping down her back. Even just this natural warmth from her skin, from her sleeveless arms, her shoulders would get to me.

More than that, no one could figure out who we were.

They speculated, anyway. Those whispers and louder conversations breezed through the night, creeping just underneath the music blasting from indoors. The irony of this trip-hop screwing with the classics.

Already I noticed this difference in how people perceived me.

They would pass me by, giving me little platitudes:

"Hey, handsome. How's it going?"

"Look at this king. He deserves her."

"She's lucky she found him first. I would've been all over him."

No one judged me for my natural scowl. Usually, people would see me like this, taking my seriousness as something to be intimidated by. Something to be frightened of, scared of. But now, as a man, no one made a big deal out of it. They shrugged off my seriousness—even found it more attractive on me. Because if they still perceived me as a woman, they'd expect me to smile and be pleasant for them. I couldn't be myself and mind my own business without someone imposing their fucking entitlements on me. I wasn't allowed to just be a grump without someone accusing me of having resting bitch face. The same expression on the same person of a different gender engendered these polar opposite reactions.

The double-standards pissed me off.

Whenever I entertained the idea of transitioning in the past, this exact scenario came up.

In the end, I decided I couldn't enjoy my life as a man because of this. Because of these double-standards, this injustice. I would've felt like I ran away. Chose an easier path by forsaking my perspective. I could enjoy the fantasy with Liara for one night. But anything more was off the table.

At the entrance, an asari attendant checked for everyone's digital invitations. The brights of her eyes showed somehow even behind her mask: the twinkle there, knowing what these people would get up to once they made it past her checks. Liara and I waited in the relatively short line. Relative compared to the sheer mass of people hanging out just behind us. We watched as the attendant gave each of the guests the usual ground rules, careful to point out the various security guards standing watch and around on patrol. She then changed their omni-tools to always-visible, displaying a certain color. The colors appeared to mean something on their own. I couldn't decipher them at first glance. Only that she would give couples the same color. Probably as a signal to other people about their relationship status.

The whole time she worked, though, the asari kept looking at us. Liara and me.

She would check me out. Then she would check Liara out. Not at all subtle about it, either.

So by the time we made it to the front of the line, her flirty tone jumped out at me.

"Well hey there," she greeted, impish smile and all. "I take it you two are together? Not interested in spending time with other people tonight?"

"Yes, that's right," replied Liara. "Here are our invitations for you."

"Good, good. Everything looks great! Let me give you these colors for your omni-tools. They'll help you pick each other out in case you get separated. It'll also let other people know to keep their distance. Some might come up to chat. You know, to be polite. They'll understand anything more is off the table."

She changed our omni-tools to constantly glow a faint golden hue. Enough to shine through the darker halls and sitting rooms I spotted across the way. Those other colors gathered from the guests inside, lighting the areas as a gentle rave. Soft and unintentional, adding to the masked, faceless mystery abound.

"You're all set! If anyone does happen to bother you, there's plenty of security around. You won't have to wait long for help. No means no. Our guests are expected to respect that. Have fun and stay safe!"

Following the group who entered before us, we walked up the nearest carpeted staircase. Regal and ceremonial in scale, this place still couldn't fit all the egos in here. Liara and I reached a larger gathering area upstairs, filled with this meshing of status and prestige. People stood around or sat on the couches talking, laughing, drinking, smoking. They all had sex on their minds. Out in the open, they kept things decent enough. Light touches here, soft eye contact there. Those dangerous smirks on their faces; how they whispered to their friends and fuck buddies from behind their glasses of alcohol, or obscured by the glittering smoke of their drugs.

Elsewhere in this house, behind closed doors, a lot more went on already.

The beginnings happened around these shadowed corners. Outside of our common view. Here around us, these people divided their attention between each other, between Liara and me. Everyone wanted to know who we were. But because of these colors of our omni-tools, they all knew to stay that certain distance away. Otherwise, this party might've turned out differently if I'd had to fend people off.

Liara commented, "This place is nice, isn't it?"

"I don't know. Just seems like a regular vacation home to me."

"A modest, humble abode."

Smelling the candy-like dust from those drugs, I asked, "What are they smoking? It's not cigarettes."

"It is called black velvet. A Thessian recreational drug. I believe it is most similar to marijuana."

I could've sworn I'd smelled this somewhere before.

"You've never tried it, have you?"

Liara looked at me in bewilderment from behind her mask. "Never, but I can't say I am unfamiliar with it. Those classmates who looked down on me at school used to smoke black velvet. Perhaps they still do. I remember them pressuring me to try it one day. As if it would somehow make me fit in with them. I declined and left to the library. They were eventually suspended for using the drug on campus."

"You know, the more you talk about these bullies, I want to do more than just speak with them."

"I know you do, Shepard. I've yet to spot anyone who went to school with me. They could be around somewhere, lurking in the shadows. I don't think they would take the chance to be seen by you. Mind you, these people are separate from my colleagues from yesterday. Those were the group of people who didn't take my expertise seriously before. I've found my legitimacy with both groups it seems."

From the sounds of things, Liara really wasn't bothered about them. She didn't mind, she didn't care.

It still hurt to know she'd had to suffer that bullshit in the past.

Not wanting to dwell on the issue, Liara mentioned finding the bar for a drink.

We walked down another hallway on the way there. Passing by these rooms, we inevitably peeked through a few open doors. The sounds of whipping and tumbling on the beds in there spoke for themselves. We did our best not to stare, catching glimpses of flesh and fluids and floggers. All that debauchery from still-masked faces.

Liara would giggle every now and then.

Maybe as more of a nervous tic than genuine amusement. I definitely felt her gauging me. How hard she checked to see if I stared at the women in those rooms. I didn't stare, even as they locked their eyes to me in this passing. The lust in their stare—all for this convincing illusion with my glamour program. But then they would see the golden glow of my omni-tool and Liara's. And this obvious vibe gluing us together by the hip as I kept my arm around her waist. So they knew to leave us be.

At the well-lit bar, we found a large group of people chatting over drinks. Not too far away was another sitting room—guests lounged on more couches and hung around near the many balconies, talking each other up and making plans to escape to a private room soon.

I shouldn't have been surprised to find some of our team among those people. Joker and Kaidan sat together on one of the couches, drinking beers and taking turns checking out the women in the area. Mostly the many asari around. Or more like Joker leading the charge and Kaidan following his lead, reluctantly so. Jack and EDI stood together off to the side, chatting about something suggestive by the looks of things. The gestures and sour laughter Jack made gave the impression their discussion was more of a lesson than anything. Maybe she was busy teaching EDI how to flirt with organics. Lastly, Tali and Traynor had found a secluded spot by one of the balconies. Like Joker and Kaidan, they looked around at the women in the room. Nothing serious, nothing pointed. Just as a light bit of fun for them.

"And there they are," noted Liara, right as we took our seats at the bar. "I don't think they've spotted us yet. I am wondering if we should go over to them."

"Soon. In a minute."

"Yes, very soon."

Trying something different tonight, Liara had me order a pair of strawberry margaritas for us. The rim of the glasses sugared as pink, we took our time with these drinks. Sweet and bombastic in taste, the alcohol had Liara smiling pretty quickly. A little stronger than I knew she was used to. She loosened up her already-loose mood tonight so far, leaning on me in delight. As much as I enjoyed her, I remembered my vigilance, too. I made sure we faced one another, looking at each other. Keeping our margarita glasses in between us in full sight. No room for anyone to slip something dangerous into her drink or mine.

The bass of this dark trance music thrummed through us as we drank together. Those vibrations had settled over our glasses, echoing through to our teeth, our tongues as we sipped and smiled. Liara had no idea that the team had noticed us now. Kaidan and Joker in particular sat over there with their mouths agape, utterly in awe of Liara with me. I couldn't tell from behind their masks: if they recognized her or not. From how hard they kept staring, as this goddess she was to us, the answer must've been no.

"Funny," I murmured to her. "Looks like you have a few admirers already."

Liara hummed in lightness. "Oh, those two. Their affections bounce around. I don't take them seriously."

"Hm? What do you mean?"

"I can't tell if they are genuinely attracted to Tali and me, or if they keep it hidden on purpose. Because of you. They know you won't tolerate them treating us any differently. They also know that neither of us are interested. This has been a long-running game. Ever since we first met, I have felt this from them."

Grumbling in thought, I didn't know how I felt about that.

But Liara really didn't want me to think about it.

"None of that matters," she insisted, taking my free hand in hers. "I'm with you now. As I always have been. Officially or not. I've belonged to you this whole time." Liara guided my hand, getting me to grab this underside of her thigh. This lock of her limbs together, so limber and lean, more so now that this shape of my hand had changed: larger, firmer. Right along the bend of her leg—inexplicably irresistible to me, burning me up. "Or should I not say things like that? Does it make me sound delusional? Crazy?"

"You're not delusional, babe."

Running her hands through my spiked hair, she dug her nails into my scalp, ever-so-slight.

"But I am crazy. You know that about me, don't you, Shepard?"

This sensuality in her soft voice, even as she said something like that.

She shouldn't have turned me on this much—not in front of so many people.

This haze overtook me anyway. This specific feeling from Liara—the one she always gave off with me. The one we always gave off together. Mixed and blended and unified as one, her energy with mine had caused this. This atmospheric rising. How it felt of her in my core, how it tasted of her so much deeper. This tension between my legs thrummed and strummed at my control. All from the way Liara looked at me. The eons of her devotion. The single-minded obsessions she reserved for me alone. No one else.

Finishing with our margaritas, I already knew. This alcohol had amplified Liara's feelings, her hormones. Whatever she'd been holding in from this morning alone: everything started to jump out. She couldn't keep her hands off of me. Already she reached to my neck with her lips, tasting this novelty of change.

If she kept this up, I'd give in to her right then and there. At this crowded bar for all to see.

Needing to temper Liara for now, I suggested, "We should find a room later on. What do you think?"

Making her think made her pause.

"Later on…? Why not now?"

"I thought you wanted to go play mind games with the team first."

"I do. Or are you only suggesting that to slow me down?"

When she put it like that, I didn't have an answer for her.

My actual answer felt far more complicated than a mere yes or no.

Liara hummed in a venomous impatience this time.

Not afraid to show her displeasure with me, she held my hand—differently this time. This time, Liara had us leave the bar together. Letting her drag me along, I expected she would take us to a private room. Hashing things out there. Instead, Liara headed toward one of the empty balconies around. We would have our privacy outside, just secluded enough from the party without abandoning it altogether.

---

As we made our way to this balcony, we walked by Jack and EDI more closely.

Too caught up in their conversation, they didn't appear to notice us. Not at first.

"This shit is easy, EDI," claimed Jack, taking on that coaching role as she smoked a blunt of black velvet. "You look at a girl from across the room. Think she's hot, wanna fuck her? Go and put on the moves I told you about. Remember I said you gotta be confident? If you're all awkward or whatever, it's a major turn-off. She won't listen to you."

"I understand, Jack," said EDI, giving no reaction whatsoever to that pixie-dust smoke drifting in her face. "But I have a counterpoint. What if I have taken interest in someone who is awkward and unconfident? Won't my directness be seen as intimidating? What if I frighten her?"

"Huh? Oh, you mean Traynor? She's a real nerd, I guess."

"That is one way to describe her most dominant qualities. I feel she would react negatively to the typical assertiveness one would expect in these settings. She is far more—delicate than the hypothetical scenarios you have presented thus far."

Jack frowned in frustration. "Is she one of those soft lesbians? Is that it? All sensual, wanting to light candles, have intellectual conversations to turn you on, and kiss down your spine in bed? Have sex in the shower with your bra and panties still on? Surprise you by showing up in your hot tub out of nowhere?"

"I believe that is a fair assessment."

"Ugh. Well, I'm stumped. I don't go for those kinda girls. Couldn't tell you how to come on to them."

EDI suggested, "Perhaps we could take an exploratory approach. There is no universal answer…"

Then she caught a glimpse of me walking by with Liara.

Going quiet, doing a double-take—EDI nearly short-circuited at this sight of my disguised appearance.

I wondered if she saw past my glamour program. Or if she just picked up on my vibes somehow.

"Hey!" yelled Jack, waving her hands in front of EDI's masked face. "What're you looking at that random guy for?! I thought you said you weren't attracted to men!"

Too tongue-tied as it were, EDI didn't have an explanation for her.

Liara made a quiet sound of amusement. Terse and annoyed as well, yet still intrigued by the scene.

We found a single lounge chair out here, facing this view of the city from the balcony. Liara stared out at her hometown with a strange wistfulness. Only for a moment. She seemed to remember something. Something of a similar view from high-up. I couldn't help thinking back to Dark Goddess, the balcony there. We had purposely not mentioned going back to that club. Too many other memories lingered.

Liara took her time lounging over this chair. Proud in her mood, this liquid confidence had changed her. Like this chair was the most opulent piece of furniture in the entire palace. This regality about her. Like she knew her worth and she wouldn't let anyone take it away from her. Not the shy bookworm all the time. Endless layers. This dynamism about her was what had initially attracted me in the first place.

Reclining there, folding her leg over the other, Liara took this time to get off her feet. The arch of her heels slanted in that feminized way, keeping my attention. She had left enough space for me to sit next to her. Maybe even hold her for a while. But I made myself kneel instead. Kneeling over this concrete of the balcony, this floor cold with the footsteps of those who'd walked here before. I couldn't mind any of that dirt collecting along the knees of my trousers. Liara glanced at me, at my gesture. How I kept this soft patience of my gaze on her. She would never expect something like this from me. But she loved it.

Enough to temper her, speaking normally: "It seems we have some unresolved issues from earlier."

"I wouldn't call them issues."

"Really?" asked Liara, raising her brow at me. "Then what would you call them?"

"It's only a situation. No malice behind it."

"Okay, then. Do you think I am moving too quickly?"

"No, I don't think you are. I know you want to move faster. You're holding that part of yourself back."

This piercing in her stare—

The reminder that I knew her just as well as she knew me.

"That is true," she conceded. "I want everything with you. And I want it now. I shouldn't be so brazen. Forcing those things on you before you are ready. That wouldn't be fair. I would only scare you off."

"Liara, I wouldn't run away from you."

"No, you would never make the conscious decision to run from me. We already established that back on Palaven. Still, I have to wonder. Are you having doubts about us already? Should I be worried?"

"You have nothing to worry about," I promised her.

Liara didn't believe me.

Out of fear, she wanted to pre-empt the worst. She wanted to be prepared. But she didn't need to.

Making this point, I moved down to kiss her legs. The slight chill over her skin from this cold of the late night. So smooth, still smelling of her body wash, her perfume, and whiffs of that black velvet smoke from earlier. And Liara's essence, inexplicable, joined everything else beneath my lips. Concentration, pressing these stamps in the shape of my mouth, breathing her in. Completely conscious, I looked up at her as I did this. Up at this horizon of her body reclining in her chair. Up at this exact angle, so close to eating her out. The way she breathed, her chest heaving up and down. Euphoric, Liara saw the innuendo clear as the stars above. She saw it in my eyes, and she felt it in the strength of my grip on her. She reached down and combed her nails through my hair again. She couldn't resist me like this.

I made her another promise: "Babe, listen to me. On New Year's, right at midnight, you are the one I'll have in my arms. I'll kiss you in that tradition. We'll have that together."

Smiling now, Liara asked me, "You've never done that with anyone before, have you?"

"Never. This will be my first time. With you."

"Mine, too. Though I'm sure you knew that already." Satisfied now, Liara knew what she wanted next. "Why don't you go speak with Tali and Traynor? I'll watch you from afar. This should be interesting."

Anxiety flaring—"Liara, I don't want to leave you alone. Not in a place like this. Anything could happen."

"Don't worry about that, Shepard. I can handle myself. I won't be far behind. I've learned from you."

Learning my stealth after all these years?

I still didn't like the idea. Liara didn't seem interested in letting this go. She wanted the mind games.

Committing myself to her entertainment, I did as she wanted.

I left the balcony in search of Traynor and Tali together.

I found them at that same spot. They stood out, Tali most of all, being the only quarian in the whole building. Traynor's distinctive accent gave her away, despite the modest mask she had on. Not knowing what to expect from this, I cleared my mind, resolved to treat this as a normal encounter. Hopefully they would assume I was a stranger. I didn't want to give myself away. I didn't want them to figure me out.

As I approached them, they both noticed me.

Stopping mid-conversation, mid-sip of their alcohol, they didn't quite know how to gauge me.

Had no one else come up to speak to them tonight? To say hello; to offer to buy them a drink?

"Hey, there," I said, keeping their attention with ease. "I saw you ladies from across the room. I wanted to stop by, see how you were doing. Enjoying the party so far?"

Ranging from a mix of confusion and deer-in-headlights, Tali and Traynor couldn't respond to me.

I smiled anyway, making sure to show my teeth. Smooth, laid-back. My boyish charm.

"Is there something wrong?"

"No!" blurted Traynor. "No, no—no, no, no! Nothing's wrong! Nothing's wrong at all…!" She struggled to breathe. Maybe she had an inkling this was me. But this program worked wonders to fool her, make her think twice and thrice. "We just—ehm… Well, we've more or less had this place to ourselves now. You're the first person who's come up to speak with us. We weren't expecting anyone to stop by!"

"Then everyone else is missing out. Two beautiful women like you shouldn't go ignored like that."

Tali placed her free hand over the mouth of her helmet, somehow shocked by my words.

Meanwhile, Traynor looked like she was about to pass out.

"I'm sorry," I offered. "Am I coming on too strong? You both caught my eye, that's all."

Traynor tried to do damage control. "Goodness, I'm sorry. It isn't you, I swear! This is just…all a huge surprise, as I said. For more reasons than you might think. I don't even remember the last time I've had a man flirt with me? Um, that is what you're doing, right? You're…actually interested in us?"

"Well, yes. When you put it that way, maybe I've overstepped. You're not interested in men, are you?"

As the mother of all reactions in this moment, Tali and Traynor went quiet again.

They couldn't answer me.

Trying to save face now, Tali pointed at my omni-tool. "You have a golden color. Doesn't that mean you're here with someone? Why are you chatting us up if you're in a relationship?"

Damnit.

"My girlfriend doesn't mind who else I speak with. If that's an issue, I don't mind bowing out. Seems like I've made things awkward for you both."

"Hmm, not awkward," reassured Tali, giving me such a saccharine smile now. "You caught us off-guard. But I have to say, I'm interested in you, too. You're very handsome. Such a beautiful man even with your mask on. And you actually have manners, which is a plus. What did you say your name was again?"

…

Remembering someone had called me king earlier, I went for the nearest substitute.

"Duke," I told her. "The name's Duke."

Traynor looked at Tali as if she'd transformed into someone else. Just from her admitting she liked me.

She still hadn't gotten the memo, apparently.

"Well, Duke, my name is Tali. This is my friend and teammate, Sam. Maybe you've heard of us."

"Maybe I have. Came to this party to get away from your mission for a while?"

"Yes, for a nice while. We weren't expecting someone like you to come and shake things up. You're making my friend and me question our sexualities, you know. Or was that your goal all along?"

"Not at all, Tali," I tried. "My goal was to come say hello. Offer to buy you a drink. You're giving me mixed signals about whether or not I should stay."

"Mixed signals, you say?"

She was too fucking smart for her own good.

How did Tali figure me out already?

"You say you're not attracted to men. And yet you're interested in me. What's up with that, hm?"

"I don't know, pretty boy," flirted Tali. "Why don't you tell me? You seem to have all the answers."

Man, I really should've thought this through some more…

Still not getting it, Traynor suddenly announced, "Okay, this is getting way too weird! I feel like a third wheel now. Tali, I'll let you have this one. Will you…tell me about it later?"

This sexed cadence in her voice: "You'll be the first to know."

Aghast and distraught, Traynor took her leave. She went to find Joker and Kaidan at their same spot.

Tali kept on staring up at me. This intensity in her focus threw me off more and more.

Then she held my hand, ordering me, "Come here. I need to see this for myself."

Leading the way, Tali brought me over to a shadowed corner of the room. Closed-off, secluded. No one had any reason to walk by this area. Hidden in this darkness, Tali positioned herself at the bend of this corner. Sectioning herself between the sharp angle of the joined walls. She faced me directly. Head-on.

This soft glow from my omni-tool reflected within her mask.

There in that reflection, in the only light around us, I saw that image.

That image of Liara somewhere behind me. Watching us. Stalking us both. Observing.

Not noticing or not caring, Tali gestured to my mask. "Take that thing off your face. Right now."

Trapped in this literal corner with her, I did as she wanted.

I removed my mask. Only for her to see. I kept my back to everyone else—to the rest of the party.

As soon as I did, Tali's entire demeanor changed.

Glaring at me now, she demanded to know, "Just what do you think you're doing, Shepard?"

"Trying something new," I admitted.

"Well, maybe you should have reconsidered. Did you honestly think you would fool me with your little disguise? It doesn't matter what gender you are! Everything about you is unique. You're too special."

"I guess you're right. Why are you so angry with me?"

"You know why," she glowered. "You might've fooled Traynor, but not me. If not that, then let's put things into a different perspective. How many people in this galaxy exist with your features? The tone of your skin, the colors of your hair, and your eyes? You're a terrible spy without your tactical cloak!"

"Okay, Tali. I understand you're upset. I'm sorry."

"Upset doesn't even begin to cover it." Trying to calm herself, Tali took a deep breath. "If you wanted to role-play, all you had to do was ask. This is a sex party. I'm sure there are others role-playing as well." She exhaled again, waiting for me to speak up; to fight back. When I didn't—when I let her win this argument—Tali reconsidered a thing or two of her own. "…I don't know why I'm overreacting. This is stupid. Pointless."

"I think you do know. What's the matter?"

Blinking hard, staring up at this black hole of a ceiling, Tali whispered, "You made me get my hopes up. Even for a moment. Now we're back to reality." Force-drying her emotions, she refused to express them. "Like I said, Shepard, this is pointless. Let's not do this anymore. I should go back home. I'm tired."

"Are you going by yourself?"

"No, I'll bring the others with me. It's getting late. Soon enough, the only people still here will be busy in their rooms. You'll be among them with Liara, I'm sure."

That bitterness and spite bit at me like a snake's fangs, immobilizing me with this venom.

Too blindsided to react, I could only watch as she walked away from me.

Tali's own mask with this situation had finally fallen free.

Realizing the same, she dodged around me, getting the hell out of here. She told Joker and the others she was ready to go. Not questioning much, they all got up and left together. As far as I could tell, Tali said nothing to them about me. Nothing about my identity, my disguise. She wanted to forget about it.

Then Liara approached me, just as I placed my mask back on.

"How fascinating," she remarked. "Tali goes back and forth. She says she supports me one hundred percent. She acts as if she is perfectly content with the way things are. Now I know that isn't true."

"Is it, though? I put her in a no-win situation. Maybe it isn't fair to judge her."

"Our reactions in no-win situations are far more telling than normal. They reveal who we really are."

That was true, but… "Do you plan on letting this affect your friendship with her?"

"Not entirely. Tali and I will move past this. If we hadn't lost one another before, perhaps things would be different. Perhaps she and I would both hold a grudge. We have already suffered such devastating deaths in the past. We know better than to risk a figurative death by fighting over you. It isn't worth it."

Well…that was comforting to know.

The last thing I wanted was to ruin what Tali and Liara had together.

But still: Tali's bitterness had soured over any sweeter plans I'd had to have sex with Liara at this party tonight.

"Enough about that," settled Liara. "I'll deal with the rest tomorrow. For now, you and I are still here, as Tali said. I don't want us to just find a room. I have something else in mind. Come upstairs with me."

---

Taking an elevator to the topmost floor, Liara found us that ivory tower she'd mentioned earlier. Or at least something similar.

The rooftop of the building. The crown jewel of her classmate's vacation home. The infinity pool sat as a slice of aquamarine, embedded into the plane of the floor. No typical barriers or signs of a swimming pool existing there—the water naturally flowed as an extension of the area here, tapering off the side of the building as we'd witnessed before. Glowing in the dark as our night light, that blue colored the rest of the seats and tables. Just for us. No one else had thought to come up here.

All these used black velvet blunts on the ground. Empty bottles of alcohol on the tables and at the well-lit bar. Other errant belongings. Someone had been up on this roof at some point.

Getting a few ideas now, I asked, "Did you pull some strings to get us this alone time?"

"I might have mentioned you were at the party, looking for the people who were up here. They all left."

"In a hurry it looks like."

"Very much so."

Heading over to the bar, I checked the kiosk. Free drinks? Seemed like the best compromise for Liara having put up with her classmates' shit all those years ago. So I ordered us a bottle of rosé champagne.

As I did this, I heard Liara shuffling around somewhere behind me.

She made her way to the pool—after removing her dress and heels. Liara revealed a two-piece underneath her outfit. Like she had specifically planned for us to come up to this rooftop at some point.

Unable to blink, unable to breathe, I watched as Liara dipped into the water. Those colors of her blended with the pool, with even the black of her two-piece mimicking the depths below. Ever as the water nymph I imagined, Liara looked as one with the aqua blues there. So natural and so hot, alluring. The way she moved, swimming from place to place, soundless as she propelled herself along. Only the vague sounds of flying skycars in the distance reached us up here. Even the music playing downstairs barely vibrated through this rooftop as our ground. Soft enough to not interrupt our newfound peace.

Taking my mask off, I brought the bottle and these champagne glasses with me.

I went over to one of the edges of the infinity pool, kneeling there. Liara soon swam over to me. She turned herself around, somehow floating over her back. Keeping her head above-water, she watched me with an upside-down view. Piercing me again with her stare. I almost didn't know what to say. She kept surprising me tonight.

"You're so fucking beautiful, Liara."

How she smiled in a soft contentedness, hardening me right away.

I needed to know—"Where'd you find this confidence from? It's not from the alcohol anymore. The margaritas we had downstairs. This is way different."

"Oh, you know," claimed Liara, ever so coy. "Here and there. You might have left some behind for me."

"Then maybe I should be careful. You'll end up surpassing me if you keep this up."

"Would that really be so bad? I enjoy catching you off-guard. It's exciting, don't you think?"

Pouring our champagne now, I asked her, "Is that something you want with me?"

"What? The excitement?"

"Yes."

Liara observed me as I held out this glass of rosé to her.

She took a moment, thinking, before she turned herself back around, re-orienting herself normally. Reaching this edge nearest to me, Liara propped her weight there, pressing down along her forearms for support. Then she accepted this glass from me. The pink of the champagne bubbled and fizzled, tipping just so as she sipped and drank. The length of her throat bulged with her swallows, as if she imagined herself swallowing something else. Liara kept her eyes to mine the whole time. She seemed to consider her next move with care. Ever focused on me.

Setting her glass aside, Liara used that same hand to reach up to me. She wrapped her water-drenched hand around my neck, easing me down to her. Down to her level, I propped my own weight along this edge of the pool. Enough to stay sturdy for her—all as Liara surprised me again, bringing her mouth to mine, even with this rosé lingering over her tongue. Mixing, melting, she gave me this truth of hers.

The truth that tasted of her mouth and champagne. Unexpected in eroticism, she made me harder and harder. Just from this purposeful slipping of her tongue over mine, feathering these nerves of ours, together. She gave me this love all the same, no matter what I looked like on the outside. Not once did Liara recoil from me or reconsider this disguise of mine. I had expected she would've asked me to 'change back' into a woman by now. And yet her attractions, her deep need for me lived and flamed as always. But as Liara pulled me down more and more, water from her hand slipping down my back and shoulders, I felt this loss. Like I could've fallen; like she could've pulled me right into this infinity pool.

I locked my body up to stop the inevitable falling. Or so I believed.

Liara breathed into my breaths: "I won't pull you in with me, Shepard. I am making a point to you."

Trying not to tremble from almost losing my balance, I couldn't make myself respond.

I didn't understand what she meant. What point she meant to make.

"Hold me," she requested. "As tightly as you can at this angle."

Fastening my arms around her, I slipped my grip beneath Liara's arms, around her back. I somehow changed my whole position as I did this. I found myself lying face-down over this ground next to the swimming pool. Perpendicular to the water, I held Liara as she asked me to do. As close as I could.

"Doesn't this feel familiar to you?"

I remembered now.

The dream I had this morning: holding Liara over that impossible drop. Unable to pull her up the edge of the cliff, yet unwilling to let her go, either. We had existed in that limbo together without cease.

Liara continued on, making her point indeed: "I know you interpreted your dream in a negative way. As if you lacked the strength or the resolve to pull me up from the edge. I chose to see another side. You refused to let me go, despite the danger. It's all I've ever wanted with you. This is exciting to me."

"I get what you're saying, babe. I can't help but see the pessimistic side of this. The symbolism."

"Why? There is no danger whenever I'm in your arms."

"Liara, I love you. I never want you to be in harm's way—whether I'm holding you or not. I should be strong enough to keep you safe at all times. Not just when it's convenient for me. I never want you to end up hurt because of me. I never want to see you injured in the med bay again—or worse, in the hospital—because of me. Or even something less literal. You're expecting something from me that I'm not ready to give yet. I don't want you to assume that those things are impossible for us. They're not. I just…need some time. I'm sure you know by now. I wanted to make things perfectly clear, that's all."

Endless optimism brimmed through Liara's smile this time.

She gave me the same feeling as she kissed me again.

Liara always responded well to my pragmatism. My promises and assurances for safety, stability. This reaction from her served as my infinite reminder. Communicating with Liara more consistently; to avoid avoiding things with her. Every day, she taught me something new about myself. Learning and laboring and loving her, consistently, I could start to repay her for all she had given me. Someday, we would find this parity, this balance with one another. Until then, I would hold her heart in my hands, careful to never drop and shatter this fragility of hers. This trust she gave me strengthened my strength, enduring.