"Noveria" from Mass Effect 1 / "White Snow, Black Steel" from Final Fantasy XIV: Endwalker

LXXXVI. Little Spark

(Shepard)

Another one of these dreams again.

This white-colored forest again.

This overbearing gravity pulling me down again, keeping me from waking up as I wanted to.

The pure white of these colorless acres felt as snow to me. Extremes of contrast after the hellfire on Tuchanka yesterday.

Purity, clarity, transparency.

I saw everything. Every single detail of this void that had followed me for years and years.

Every ridge on every tree. Every blade of grass beneath my feet. Every crinkle of the clouds in the painted skies. Nothing shadowed, nothing obscured to me. I witnessed everything within this void in truth. The truth for what it was. Not the typical darkness—that fear of the unknown. No, this void showed everything to me. Everything in completeness—as far more terrifying than the details hiding in the dark.

I wandered through this clarity. Wandering aimlessly. Wandering and waiting and watching. Watching for anything around. Only these vague voices reached me. The sounds of ghosts whispering my name. Ghosts of the past. From the last mission. From yesterday, even, as I heard Mordin somewhere, calling out to me most clearly. The other voices jumbled into one another. Memories of so many yesterdays. The people I had lost and failed. I'd had a responsibility to protect them. They had all died on my watch.

I didn't hear Liara's voice anywhere.

I shouldn't have. The one true reincarnation of the goddess. She defied all reason.

No one could ever replace Liara. Trying and trying, I had tried before. Failing and failing, I had failed myself as well as her—and everyone else who'd came and tried before. Yet we continued on today with our blank slate. Our tabula rasa—a complete absence of preconceived ideas. Almost as pure as newborns, having no deeply-held beliefs; ready to imprint and be imprinted upon. As much as I enjoyed what we had now, the past continued to creep around this corner. Just around this tree from afar:

I approached this clearing, spotting a bench in the near-distance.

A bench with two people sitting there.

Two familiar faces.

Someone in a set of N7 armor. Someone else in a Cerberus uniform.

Ashley and Miranda sat there on that bench across from me. Standoffish and stubborn, Ashley had her arms folded. Not because she didn't want to sit next to Miranda. For a different reason. Miranda had her long legs crossed, the tightness of her uniform wrapping around her in tautness—all wound-up, uptight.

As I approached, they kept their intense stares locked onto me.

So much so that I stopped about halfway.

Stopping with this invisible barrier between us.

Stopping with this unseen line drawn in the sand, separating us.

They both had their comforts, sitting on that bench. Over there. Away from me. And I felt as if I shouldn't dare approach them. Even as their intensity appeared to dare me anyway. Daring me to defy them now.

Nervous system flaring, my fight or flight responses shot into preparation.

I felt myself balling my fist at my side. Gripping tightly. Grinding my short nails into my sweating palm.

Ashley smirked at this sight.

Miranda chuckled to herself, high-and-mighty.

If I stepped over this invisible line, I'd never be able to go back. They would know they had provoked me. They would know they had won. But if I did nothing, what would that get me? I needed to stand up for myself. I needed to prove my honor. Even so, the other unseen dangers around threatened to end me. Hidden behind the trees of this forest, the consequences loomed. The consequences of me standing up for myself. The rifles aimed at me, ready to fire. The batons wielded up high, ready to strike. The dogs restrained by their handlers, snarling and ready to attack. The rest in warning—hanging by a thread.

Saving me from this no-win situation, a mechanical weight sounded above my head.

A skycar flew up there. Hovering up high before it descended down to me. Landing just nearby.

The chocolate brown luxury of this vehicle looked too familiar.

Wasn't this my car? My car from back home.

The person sitting on the driver's side…

"Liara?" I asked.

"Shepard, get in!" she urged, gesturing to the passenger's side. The door opened automatically.

Not wasting any time, I rushed around to the other side of the car. I slipped into this seat without thinking. All the lights from the control panel distracted me for a moment. Enough that I barely felt the car moving as Liara lifted us to the sky. She drove us away from this forest. Away from that strangeness.

Leaving these outskirts, Liara drove us back to the city.

All these glittering harbors and ships traveling through the bay. The bustle of nightlife from my hometown. I spotted the Alliance base somewhere in the distance. We were on our way back home.

Back to—our apartment in San Diego.

Like normal again. Earth remained untouched by the Reapers.

Sitting in this passenger seat, I couldn't help staring at Liara as she drove along. She navigated this moderate traffic with ease. Except I couldn't remember her ever driving me anywhere in real life. Did she even have a driver's license? And why was she driving my car? Or was this…our car, too? Just like home.

Eventually she asked me, "How was your day? Aside from that encounter in the forest."

I didn't remember anything from this dream before that.

"Fine, I guess."

Eyes focused on the sky-road, Liara smiled in fondness. "You guess?"

"I don't know. Everything's a blur for me."

"Hmm. It isn't like you to forget things. Was your day truly 'fine', then?"

"As fine as it could be," I replied, covering up my unknowing.

"Okay. And what about the rest?"

"The rest?"

Liara reminded me, "What we've been arguing about lately. Don't tell me you've forgotten this, too."

Rubbing my aching forehead, I said, "Sorry… Could you refresh my memory?"

Somehow not annoyed, she explained in patience, "You keep claiming you don't have any girlfriends. And yet you've been different lately. I hear the way you toss and turn at night. Or should I not say anything?"

What…?

"You should say it."

Liara shied away from the words. "Shepard, it's inappropriate."

"Tell me anyway."

The blue of her face reddened more from those brake lights up ahead.

Almost like she didn't want me to see this reaction of hers.

Respecting Liara's wishes, I stayed quiet. I said nothing as she pulled up to the apartment complex.

She parked in our usual spot in the underground lot beneath the building. We took the elevator up to the 34th floor—with this marked difference between us. Liara wouldn't let me hold her hand. She kept shying away from my reach. Even once we made it home, and the apartment's VI greeted us in soothing.

"Welcome home, Dr. T'Soni. Welcome home, Commander Shepard."

Despite this strangeness, I enjoyed being back here again.

Back home where I belonged. This rare space that gave me unconditional comfort.

Liara existed as an extension of this feeling. She always had and she always would, no matter what. So I gravitated toward repaying the favor to her. I found this blue blanket for Liara, and a set of pillows, handing them to her. She let me give her this space on the couch to relax and unwind. While she watched a documentary on the history network, I handled these chores for the both of us. Cleaning the kitchen; sorting the few unorganized pieces here and there in the living room. Liara and I tended to stay naturally organized. Just these exceptions. A datapad here, a video game controller there. No real stress about it.

Then I noticed these snowflakes falling outside the windows.

Snow in my hometown?

It never snowed here.

Another sign of this obvious dream. I must've had Noveria on my mind. On our way there in real life.

Liara curled up more beneath her blanket, shivering a bit. So I turned on the heater for her. A cozy warmth hovered through our home in minutes, settling in as I finished these chores. Cleaning Tali's room—clearing the dust that had settled here from our time away. Cleaning…Liara's bedroom. Our bedroom? The dust here. The dust. The disuse from our time away… How long had we been gone for?

"Shepard?" called Liara from the living room. "Could you come here please?"

Finishing up my task early, I headed back down the hallway.

I heard the calming tones of the documentary's narrator, waxing poetic about the splendor of underwater ecosystems on Earth.

Standing at Liara's side, next to the couch, I watched the screen reflecting along her face. The refractions of the ocean's water. The brilliance there. All the same color as her eyes, as her concern and care for me. I felt her staring up at me with the same wonders. So many questions in her gaze. Easy and innocent.

"What is it?" I asked her.

She didn't know how to speak her mind.

She didn't know how to just—let it out. Whatever this was she needed from me.

Liara relied on me reading her mind. And I did, however intentional or accidental or not. I saw the truth.

Before I could make my move, she warned me, "You shouldn't be here, you know."

"I shouldn't?"

"You are safe here," added Liara. "But you shouldn't be here. I should have realized it sooner."

"Then why am I here if I'm not supposed to be?"

"Dreams are dreams. A hunter's dream is never safe. I think it is time for you to wake up now."

Lucid as I was, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't open my eyes. They stayed shut, shuttered like lead doors, locked together over my lids. This weight paralyzed the rest of my body in real life. The gravity kept me down, locked in this non-reality with this lookalike of my girlfriend. Liara kept looking up at me in concern. Like she'd expected this. And she didn't want to act, knowing she needed to take this last resort to make me wake up. Because I couldn't do this on my own. I couldn't end my lucid dreaming.

Liara stood up, guiding me along by my arm. "Let's go over here."

To the vid screen.

The vid screen showing this view of the endless ocean. The depths of the water there.

"You want me to go through the screen?"

"Yes," she confirmed. "Take the leap of faith. Then you will wake up."

This water again…

"It will be fine, Shepard," she promised. "You are my brave little spark. I know you'll make it to the other side. Please trust me."

As if baptizing me, Liara eased my head through the screen. Through to this water, through to this endless flow of ideas. The unknowable unknowns of this heart of the ocean. Somehow, someway, I felt myself swept up in the current. Swept away without the water really touching me. Adrift only for a short time. Shielded, above all, by Liara's affinity for these waters. Her love for me protected and shielded me from these elements, bringing me to the correct current. This leap of faith—I believed in her, and I found my way back to the waking. Back to where I was supposed to be: asleep in bed with her in my arms.

After back-flipping through that water in my dream, I awoke on my back as normal.

Here in the safety of my private cabin on the Normandy. With Liara sleeping soundly in my hold. Too hot beneath this heat of my comforter, I fought the urge to throw this fabric off. Normally I would have—if I was alone. Liara seemed to enjoy sleeping like this. The black of her N7 shirt tossed aside to a corner of the bed somewhere. Thrown off after last night. This layer of sweat had settled over her back, too. Most of it from last night. She'd kept me going for her for a long time. Hours and hours. Insatiable as ever.

She still smelled like last night, too. This specific scent of her hormones had stuck to our body heat. The same way she tasted when I ate her out—I scented that aroma all around. Exaggerated from the heat.

The sweat of my palms shaped around Liara's bare shoulders. And the freedom of her back undulating down my hold in waves; all as she lay over me, over the white of my sleeveless tank, the cotton as the pearly white of this shore she'd settled on. Liara's deep breathing blended in with the gentle sounds of the Normandy's inner-workings. She had a little smile on her face, too. Her head rested at this intersection of my shoulder and my chest. She found comfort in the fit shape of my thin frame.

I stared up at the window above our heads. The ship's kinetic barrier glossed along as that transparent violet, tinting the view out there. The black lake of the stars looking down on us. The same as the infinity of Liara's emotions in my arms.

I wanted to make breakfast for her.

But how was I supposed to get out of bed without waking Liara up?

Then I felt the feathering brushing of her eyelashes against my chest. She steadily opened her eyes, regaining awareness. Liara felt especially aware that I hadn't let go of her. I'd kept her in my arms this whole time. Stretching in place, she moved into me more, finding this comfort. A unique comfort that shined in her eyes as she looked up at me. This innocence about her gripped at my heart. Not in any pain or strain. But as a firm reminder of her essence. How I needed this from her, uninterrupted.

Liara brought her lips over mine, lingering. "Good morning. Did you get any sleep?"

"I slept enough, yes."

Smiling more, she asked me, "Why do you sound like this?"

"Like what?" I questioned, taking note of how stiff my voice felt.

"You sound stiff. Are you in any pain, Shepard?"

"No, it's not that… I'm still getting used to this. To you."

Giggling now, arousing me, Liara wanted to know, "What is there to get used to?"

"Waking up to you in the morning. I don't mean that in a bad way. I just mean—you've always been with me. So to have you with me like this, in my bed, it's another reminder. Another reminder that you'll always be here. I don't know if this will ever sink in. It still gets to me. Emotionally. That's what I mean."

"Well, I'm not going anywhere," she whispered, clasping this softness of her mouth over mine again. "I do love it when you get emotional. It shows me how much you care. Or are you too embarrassed?"

I was embarrassed. But I didn't want to say it.

Liara knew anyway. She kept on smiling, not minding my strange stubbornness.

"That reminds me. There is something I wanted to speak with you about. About us—our relationship."

"Oh, okay," I replied in surprise. "Is there something wrong?"

"No, nothing is wrong," promised Liara. "It's because nothing is wrong that I want to bring this up. Do you think we could move to the couch? If we stay in bed, I'll be too tempted for you to take me again."

If she wanted to talk, I had to assume she wasn't hungry. Liara never seemed to have much of an appetite right when she woke up. So I figured I could cook for us after we had this talk of ours.

Liara just moved—slowly.

Still weary from the mind-breaking pressure on Tuchanka, protecting us alongside Samara. I hadn't helped much—last night—tiring Liara out even more, as she wanted. I probably would've been the same, if not worse, if I'd had to manually disable Satan as usual. I still worried for her health anyway.

I guided Liara to sit on the bed. I walked around, getting her shirt that we'd tossed aside hours ago. Liara waited in place for me. Still smiling, still peaceful. I found myself enjoying this small act. Fitting Liara's shirt back over her head; rolling the fabric down her torso after she fit her arms through the short sleeves. I wrapped my arms around the small of her back, picking Liara up with ease. She laughed from this wind of momentum. And from how I doubled my hold beneath her thighs, too, for extra support. Marveling over her willowy frame, enjoying this moment, I brought Liara over to the couch with me.

Just like in my dream, I settled her with this blue blanket and pillows. She curled up there in a quiet joy, more so once I sat down with her.

As Liara thought over her words, I felt this worry cropping up again. Worrying over her health. Ever since the other day, I'd had these concerns nagging at the back of my head. How responsible I felt for Liara these days. Keeping her above-water and on solid ground. It seemed like she was okay, but I sensed how easily that could change. She could've spiraled and drowned again.

Worse than before.

Any kind of co-dependence would've made things worse. But if I didn't let Liara lean on me—as much as she needed to—then I knew how she would react. She would take it the wrong way. She would get offended. She would get upset, leading to that same spiraling and drowning anyway. Inevitably so.

So what was I supposed to do?

"Shepard, before I share my thoughts, I was wondering… What are we doing after Noveria? Any plans?"

"I figured we'd head to Illium," I answered. "Solheim lives there. If there's any leads to follow after Noveria, the safest bet is to follow her home. But not right away. I don't want her to get suspicious. I already know someone will tip her off about the Normandy docking at Port Hanshan later on today."

Liara agreed, "More than likely."

"Why? Did you have something planned for us?"

"Not necessarily. If we are going to Illium, then perhaps you could bring me to Deep Azure. That nightclub you visited before, when you first recruited Samara to the team."

I asked, "The BDSM club where Morinth was?"

"Yes, that one. I'm sure you could show me a good time, couldn't you?"

I remembered Liara shying away from too much sexual PDA back on the Citadel.

Now she wanted to try out some exhibitionism at Deep Azure?

"I'll take you out," I promised anyway. "We'll see what kind of trouble we can get up to at the club."

"Good," said Liara, smiling in excitement. "I am looking forward to trying something new with you."

"Honestly, babe, that's surprising. We didn't get the chance to mess around at that party on Thessia. You're telling me you want to fuck out in the open? Or are we just going to do some window shopping?"

"You make it sound so…crude."

"Well, it is," I justified. "If you want a romantic night out, we could go to the vanilla Azure instead. I heard they have some nice escorts working at that hotel. That's about as racy as it gets over there."

"That isn't what I want, Shepard."

"Then what do you want?"

Making this point, Liara wrapped the blanket tighter around herself.

Then she lowered herself to the floor. Down on her knees, gazing up at me as I stayed on the couch.

On reflex, I reached down to move her back up. This power imbalance struck me harder than ever.

But Liara only shook her head. She stayed in place, all with this slavish expression on her face. So needy.

"There is something I want with you," she breathed, soft enough to arouse me again. "I want this dynamic with you." Liara lay her head over my legs. Indulgent, restful, blissful. She deferred to me in physicality. "I need this with you…so much. Except I know how conscientious you are. You never want to risk disrespecting me. So much so that you tend to hold yourself back. I wish you would let go with me."

"Are you…asking for a total power exchange? A 24/7 situation."

"Yes."

Choking up, I almost didn't know what to say.

Controlling her all the time.

Dictating what she could and couldn't do all the time.

Keeping a predatory watch over her habits and behaviors all the time.

Twenty-four hours a day; seven days a week.

Obviously, we couldn't have a full 24/7 dynamic because of the mission. Liara knew this already. So she wanted the next best thing with me. She knelt on this floor in total esteem for me. She knew I didn't need my ego stroked, yet she chose to do this anyway.

Absolute trust from her.

Liara trusted me completely.

That alone swelled my heart and sealed my regard for her. This high in my head spun as silk wonders.

Liara reminded me, "There is only one real complication."

"What do you mean?"

"You and I tend to be…rather fluid with our power. Sometimes you let me have the upper-hand—even though you are always the one fucking me. Would this still work if you allowed me to be in control?"

"Yes, it would. We could let the mood change. I'm into it."

"I'm glad to hear that, Shepard. Let's discuss it some more once we are on Illium. For now, I only want you to think things through. We don't need to rush. However long you plan on waiting for us to visit the colony, that should be plenty of time for us. I am doing my best not to pressure you."

Doing her best seemed like code for something more.

Even as Liara and I took a shower together, washing off from the night before, she kept me wondering.

She still wanted everything with me right away. She wanted everything and she wanted it now.

If she didn't keep in mind this logical need to slow things down—how far would she have taken this?

Did Liara actually want to be logical?

Or had she only chosen this logical path for the sake of avoiding an argument with me?

Maybe I could argue with myself that it didn't matter. So long as Liara chose to be considerate, and reasonable, then we could get along like this. But I also couldn't help this feeling that things would spill over at some point. Liara's mask might slip at the worst time. She would go after what she wanted, setting aside her self-conscious consideration for my feelings. Right now, I had no idea how I'd react.

I didn't want to find out, either.

We still had a couple of hours before we reached Noveria.

After making breakfast for us, I tucked Liara back in my bed. She needed to get some more sleep. Our mission to Noveria was an informal one—just like our first visit—so I didn't expect a ton of activity out there. But I still wanted Liara to rest up while she could. She deserved it after that insanity with Satan yesterday.

Dressed in my Alliance uniform, I made my way to the crew deck.

The memorial wall awaited right outside the elevator.

I set this newest nameplate into one of the slots. Dr. Mordin Solus. I remembered the times we'd spent speaking during the last mission. Toward the end, nearing our run on the Collector Base, I had felt my regrets. My regrets over not speaking with some of the team enough. Mordin had been one of the people on that nebulous list of mine. I knew if I'd brought him with us to the suicide mission, he wouldn't have made it. So I had asked him to stay behind, trying to spare him from the pain of death. Only for him to face it now, like this. Sacrificing himself for the krogan. Correcting his people's mistakes.

I kept Mordin on my mind as I went upstairs to the comm room.

Admiral Hackett asked me to debrief with him about Tuchanka.

As his holographic form appeared at the QEC, I gave him the rundown from yesterday. And the conclusions: successfully curing the genophage, and Wrex mobilizing his troops to send to Palaven.

"We're headed for Noveria now," I continued. "Solheim made her way there after our last mission."

"Good move," approved Hackett. "I already sent you the reports on Cerberus' activities. Like I said, they're moving a lot of equipment from their labs on Noveria. Presumably to their headquarters. We can't get an ID on the type of equipment they're hauling around. I'll need you to scout around and take a look. Get as close as you can without being spotted. They can't know we're on to them."

"Understood, Sir. What's the major concern here? Do you have any solid suspicions?"

"Nothing solid yet. Only theories. We have to make sure Cerberus isn't preparing some type of army."

"An army?" I echoed.

Hackett reminded me, "During the Lazarus Project, if you recall, Cerberus helped the Alliance with a few projects. Mainly some light technological enhancements to our fighting forces. We're seeing some success with those already. The resistance on Earth is making valuable pushbacks against the Reapers. It's not enough to sustain us forever, but it's more than enough to hold on until the Normandy gets there for the final battle. Things aren't as bleak as we witnessed in the initial days of the invasion."

"So you think Cerberus is taking that technology and running with it?"

"It's possible. They have the means to create supersoldiers. Dangerous ones. Cerberus could completely undermine us with something like that."

"Admiral, that doesn't sound like something Solheim would do. She just wouldn't. That's not her style."

Humming in thought, Hackett seemed to agree with me. "You know her better than we do. But we have to make sure. Some of our departments are paralyzed, assuming the worst about whatever Cerberus is up to. If you can find evidence that this army isn't Solheim's MO, I'm willing to let bygones be bygones. We'll leave Cerberus to their own devices, viewing them as more of a rival instead of our direct enemy."

"Cerberus will stick to the shadows. Solheim's pride is with her information network and science divisions. Corporate espionage, too. That's what she believes in. But if you need evidence, I'll find it."

"That's what we need, Commander. I trust you to handle it from here. Keep me updated. Hackett out."

With this extra time, I decided to go speak with my team and my crew. Checking up on them.

I headed down to the engineering deck first. I could've gone down to the cargo hold instead, making my way up from there. Cortez was down there—and speaking to him seemed to be out of the question. Not necessarily because I didn't want to. From what I could tell, Cortez still hadn't gotten over his fears of me. Still scared to death of having a normal conversation with me. After our first meeting when I shut down his light attempts to gossip with me about Traynor, about her obvious crush on me, things had never recovered from there. He had every right to only see me as his hardass commanding officer. Not someone to hold a non-work conversation with.

Except I knew Wrex and the guys were down in the cargo hold, too. They took this time to try out the workout equipment I'd installed down there. I'd catch up with them once we made it to Noveria.

Once I made it to the engine room, I heard the conversation going on. Engineer Daniels, Engineer Adams, and Legion went over their latest assigned work for the ship. They each acknowledged me as I walked past, looking glad to see me. I admittedly had my attention on Tali over there. Off on the other side at her usual workstation. She stood in place, typing at the console with a mood about her.

The same grumpy mood from the other day.

No matter her instincts to protect me on Tuchanka, this one thing persisted.

I went up to her anyway.

Tali glanced at me from the corners of her eyes. It didn't take long for her to set her work aside. She kept her hands over the console. But she had stopped working, waiting for me to say something.

"How are you doing, Tali?"

"I don't know, Shepard. I'm getting by, I suppose."

I offered, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Maybe not. I feel selfish for being angry. We just lost Mordin, and I'm too busy focusing on myself."

"Well, it wouldn't hurt to let this out. Instead of letting it fester. You and Liara are okay. I'm glad you are. I can't say the same about you and me. Not that I expect you to automatically forgive me."

Some suspicion, some disbelief: "How are you able to be so gracious about this?"

"Gracious? What do you mean?"

"You're so considerate. Understanding. Even at the party, you spoke to me the same way. You were such a gentleman. Once my mood changed, you didn't change at all. Not once did you fight against me. You never said I needed to get over it, or that I was overreacting. Why haven't you done those things?"

"Because they never crossed my mind," I shared with her. "If you're mad at me, then you're mad at me. That's your right. You're going to feel how you're going to feel. Telling you to get over it isn't helpful."

Tali laughed softly. She almost sounded surprised by me.

"Well, that's very sweet of you, Shepard. For what it's worth, I don't have it in me to hold a grudge against you. Not forever. We've been through a lot. My emotional side doesn't want to let this go."

"I don't blame you for that."

"I blame myself."

I asked her, "How do you feel? Honestly. Deep down."

"I shouldn't answer that," she whispered, not wanting the others to overhear. "This is still too much."

"Okay. I understand. Should I leave you alone, then?"

"For now. I need to think. I'll be fine once we make it to Noveria. Will you buy me a drink at the bar?"

"Of course, Tali," I promised. "If that's what you want."

"Good. Thank you. I should finish cleaning this drive core. I'll see you later, Shepard."

Leaving the engine room, I set my hand over Tali's shoulder as I went. Just a brief touch from me—instead of the hug I wanted to give her. I felt her mood lighten a bit as I left. Far better than nothing.

I headed downstairs into Jack's lair. Her private, isolated area in the engineering subdeck. The lights from the rest of the deck quickly fell away. I never realized how much I envied Jack for this space. So moody and quiet. The comforting hum of the drive core acted as the perfect background noise. And I found Jack basking in this moodiness as she lay over her bed. Arms folded behind her head, leg crossed one over the other, she stared up at her ceiling in silence. Then she noticed me approaching in the dark.

"Hey, Commander," said Jack. "Doing the rounds? Checking up on everyone?"

"You could say that. What's on your mind, Jack?"

"The usual. Sucks Mordin's gone. Kind of miss him. All his science babble would put me to sleep. But he was good to have around."

"We'll all miss him. I have to admit—you surprised me on the last mission."

"What, with Miranda? Or—Solheim? Whatever."

"Yes," I confirmed. "Who else?"

Jack snorted in derision. "I mean, let's look at it this way. No one really said a word to her on the Citadel. Maybe the cheerleader expected the same thing would happen back on Tuchanka. That blew up in her face. The thing is, she said sorry to you. She even said sorry to me. Isn't that enough? Shouldn't it be?"

"More or less."

"Okay, so why's everyone else pissed off at her? Like they're mad for you or something?"

I explained, "I can't control that, you know. The team also can't help how they feel."

"I guess. But don't they realize how dumb it is to make Miranda their enemy? Maybe it's just me, but she got way stronger since the Collectors." So I wasn't the only one who noticed that. "Hell, and she's smart, too? I gotta respect that about her. Hate that she's still with Cerberus and all, but it sounds like she's turning things around over there. They're not evil anymore. Or am I talking out of my ass?"

"No, I agree with you. I can't see Solheim following in the Illusive Man's path. We're going to Noveria today to find some evidence. The Alliance needs to know that Cerberus isn't the same anymore."

"Oh, yeah. Good luck with that shit. I'm staying on the ship. No way I'm going out in that fucking blizzard. That fire yesterday was the worst. Had enough 'outdoor extremes' to last me a while now."

"That's fine, Jack. What do you plan on doing instead?"

"You know. Stuff. Like I always do."

"Uh-huh," I deadpanned. "I'll leave you to it, then."

"See you around, Captain!"

Captain?

Jack never called me that. She must've been in a chipper mood today. Probably from her unwinding with that black velvet a few times. It had to have been her smoking that substance back on Rannoch before. As long as she wasn't under the influence during our missions, I didn't mind looking the other way.

I made my way back upstairs.

Checking around the crew deck again, everything seemed pretty quiet around here.

Samara had her door locked. I assumed she still needed some rest after yesterday. Garrus didn't seem to be at the main battery. Definitely downstairs in the cargo hold, then. Dr. Chakwas took some time to reflect alone in the med bay, drinking some of that Serrice ice brandy I'd bought for her. No one in the lounge. Liara was of course still asleep in my room. So I took the elevator back up to the command deck.

Here in the CIC, I found Traynor at her usual spot. Working at her computer there, she seemed oddly focused. I didn't want to disturb her. So I went around, heading to the bridge. I didn't see Joker at the helm. He also must've been in the cargo hold with his friends. EDI flew the Normandy on her own.

I went up to her seat, asking, "How's everything going, EDI?"

"Hello, Shepard," she greeted with a smile. "Everything is going well—or falling within normal parameters. There is only one small concern with our destination. Aside from the dreadful weather."

"What's the concern about Noveria?"

"Their flight control systems have been tracking us for an unusual amount of time. We are less than an hour away from Port Hanshan. Normally, they would not be able to spot the Normandy until we reached Noveria's orbit. I am unable to tell if they have upgraded their systems, or if they have outsourced manual surveillance to a third party. Due to the ongoing Reaper threat, I am willing to believe the former option."

The Reapers had no reason to attack a place like Noveria. Their only population included the shady businesspeople at Port Hanshan, and their scientists in the labs spread across the snowy mountains. But if the executive board wanted to keep things that way, then they should have upgraded their systems.

Then again, I couldn't help feeling there was more going on here.

"I wouldn't worry about it," I said anyway. "We'll find out the answers eventually."

"Very well, Shepard. I will continue monitoring the situation as necessary."

"Well, aside from work, how's everything else going? Are you doing okay?"

EDI paused in that telling way of hers. So familiar to me by now.

"EDI?"

"I apologize," she offered. "There is—'a lot going on' with me. I considered asking for your opinion. During our holiday break on Thessia, I spoke with Jack about numerous scenarios I've been running in my head. Her advice opened up new avenues of thought for me. May I tell you about them?"

"Sure, I'm listening."

EDI stood up from her seat now, explaining in-earnest, "Jack coached me on the various stages of romantic and sexual courtship with organics. She apparently prefers to skip the romantic aspects altogether, keeping her relationships purely sexual. She claims there is value to this style of unattached, carnal rewards that forsakes the emotional expectations of monogamy. My question to you is—have you ever lived a similar lifestyle? One where you do not engage in monogamy, or rather, actively scorn those expectations? Is this a more rewarding path compared to committing to one person?"

"EDI, are you asking if I've ever been a player?"

"Yes," she confirmed. "If that is the colloquial shorthand, then I will begin using it appropriately. Have you ever been a player in the past, Shepard?"

"I haven't."

Still curious, EDI requested, "Then how would you qualify your relationships from previous years? Perhaps from a decade ago."

"Those times were a real mess. I was really angry back then."

"Were you also unhappy in your relationships?"

"I don't remember the last time I was happy with them. Aside from the honeymoon stage. I thought that was how relationships were supposed to be. Toxic and dysfunctional."

"I see," said EDI. "So because of your limited understanding, you didn't believe change was possible."

"Honestly, in those years, I was just trying to keep myself above-water. I had no business being in a relationship with anyone. But if I hadn't had those experiences, I wouldn't be where I am today. You could say it's a double-edged sword. I just wish I didn't have to go through that drama in the first place."

Quieting in contemplation, EDI absorbed my words as best as she could.

Then she explained to me, "I am beginning to see just how different Jack's experiences are to yours. She has a strong romantic and sexual attachment to Tali. But she chooses to shield herself from those emotions through her robust sex life with multiple partners. Often strangers. Jack recommended I manage my own unfulfilled attachments in a similar way. I disagreed with her."

Dodging this giant elephant on the bridge, I asked, "So what does that mean for you and Traynor?"

"She understands my dilemma. She also understands that I would like a relationship with her, regardless of my so-called emotional baggage. I discussed the issues with her on New Year's Day. This was only a few days ago. I am giving Specialist Traynor additional time to decide our next course of action."

"Makes sense. How've you been dealing with the wait?"

"I have been contemplating numerous scenarios that might play out. During these past few days, I have enjoyed a substantial amount of feedback from my imagination. It has helped me pass the time."

I asked in a vague concern, "Will all this new feedback be too distracting?"

EDI gave me a deceptively serious look, somehow smirking at the end: "Do not worry, Shepard. I only forget to recycle the Normandy's oxygen when I have discovered something truly interesting."

Taking a step back, I couldn't hide this look of horror on my face.

She wasn't serious…was she?

Were we really breathing in old oxygen because EDI couldn't stop fantasizing about women?!

"That was a joke."

…

Oh, so she had jokes now, huh?

I was about to make a sarcastic comment—until my omni-tool went off with an alert. A new email.

Narrowing my eyes at EDI's sudden, stone-faced expression, I merely said, "Carry on, EDI."

"Understood," she replied. "Since Jeff plans to explore Port Hanshan with the team, I will remain here aboard the ship. Specialist Traynor will likely want to visit the bar. She may engage in emotionally-charged consumption of alcoholic beverages. I would appreciate it if you 'kept an eye on her' for me."

"Noted."

As I wandered back down the bridge, I opened up my omni-tool. When I saw who'd sent this email, my veins went cold. Colder than the imminent snow on Noveria.

From: Miranda – Your visit to Port Hanshan today.

Shepard,

My sources tell me the Normandy is approximately half an hour out from Noveria. After Tuchanka yesterday, your communications specialist, Samantha Traynor, tracked my ship to this location. Now you're following me. Did you honestly think I wouldn't notice you anywhere? As if you and your team could waltz through the port without alerting me! You clearly don't know what's changed around here.

I would have written this message to you yesterday. Some part of me gave you the benefit of the doubt, hoping you would come clean on your own. Since you obviously have no intentions of announcing your visit, I have to make the worst assumptions. The Alliance has already been sneaking around on Noveria, trying to snoop on my people and what we're up to. And lo and behold, you're following their orders!

I'm already livid with you for failing to update me on your status with the Reapers. You don't need anyone's protection anymore. Least of all mine. So to see this is like a stab in the back. I hate that this is what we are to one another now. I'm digging in my heels now. You and I need to fix this.

Come speak to me in my office at Port Hanshan. We'll go over (almost) everything I'm up to with Cerberus. Full transparency. I'll explain the exceptions to you as well. I've already scheduled your appointment for shortly after the Normandy's approximate arrival time. Afterward, I'll take you on a tour of our labs in the mountains. You'll get the complete view of our operations for yourself. This is all very last-minute, so there's no danger of my agents sabotaging things or hiding any undesirables from you.

If you refuse to cooperate, Noveria's flight control will ask you to turn around.

Barring that, they'll impound the Normandy until further notice.

So that means I'd better see you in my office—on time. No exceptions. You were always punctual with me. I do hope that hasn't changed.

-Miranda

As the Normandy pulled into Port Hanshan, a thick sleet of snow brushed coldest atop the hull. The covering of this docking bay shielded us from the worst elements, shadowing as a temporary blackout in this perpetual winter. I left the ship with some of my team, walking along the frozen stone of this bay. And as this icy air filled my lungs, I couldn't help feeling the blast from the past. Transported in nostalgia.

The snow always reminded me of Noveria.

Snow on Thessia, snow on Palaven. Snow anywhere else in the galaxy. It brought me back to this place.

But now, today, as we walked along this docking bay, I reached for Liara's hand on instinct. Automatic.

I held her gloved hand in mine, careful to position myself in thoughtfulness. Careful to walk on this side from whence the wintry winds blew. I acted as this shield for Liara, keeping her from freezing too much in this cold. She huddled against me in gratitude, wrapping her other arm around mine closest to her. A swell of closeness and emotion from her: no doubt the past swept around in her mind, too, as strong as these winds sweeping against me. Even with these thoughts, everything felt much clearer with us now.

We had this commitment instead of our old ambiguity and open boundaries.

Liara had her clear possessiveness, too. She knew about my appointment with Solheim today. And she wasn't happy about it.

I also felt my mood changing. Naturally moody as I was, this still didn't bode well. This whole beef between Liara and Solheim didn't sit right with me. I felt myself waiting. Waiting for it to blow over. Waiting for Liara to leave her darker obsessions behind; to decide they weren't worth the trouble. I felt myself checking out because of this. Mentally, emotionally checking out. Didn't mix well with my growing concerns over Liara's well-being. This co-dependence I felt from her, needing me so very much.

Even when Liara smiled up at me, snuggling closer in this cold, my emotions churned more. She was so sweet. So adorable in gentleness. Seemed hard to believe she had this darkness festering in her. These wild extremes made her endlessly alluring to me. I stayed mindful, accepting the good with the bad.

We found a familiar bunch of guards standing at the port's entrance.

Captain Matsuo and her merry band of human and turian officers. Along with all of these drones and scanners lighting up the space, invading our personal space.

"Welcome back, Commander Shepard," said the captain. "Despite all that's going on, it's good to see you and your team again."

"You still work here, Captain Matsuo?"

"Yes," she replied with a weary sigh. "Even with the Reapers attacking the galaxy, our services are still needed here at Port Hanshan." Unwilling to speak of her personal losses with the war, Matsuo kept things professional: "I understand you have an appointment at the Cerberus offices to visit with Solheim-sama. She already cleared you to bring your weapons through the port. No argument from us."

Just what kind of power did Cerberus have on Noveria these days?

First Solheim threatened to impound my ship—now she gave permission for us to bring our weapons in?

Matsuo also called her Solheim-sama. Like how she called the last asshole administrator Anoleis-sama. A formal, respectful Japanese suffix for people of higher status. Except I knew Solheim wasn't the new administrator for Noveria's executive board. She would've scheduled my appointment for the administrator's office in that case. The Cerberus offices were mixed in with the other corporate suites.

That same hating ass blonde guard had to chime in, "Visiting your ex-girlfriend, huh, Commander? Solheim's been pretty damn cranky lately. Think she needs a pick-me-up from you. Must be why she scheduled all this crap at the last minute. Try not to make too much noise fucking her on her desk."

Biotics flaring, Liara scowled at the guard, ready to charge if she stepped out of line again.

The blonde held her hands up, rifle and all. "Hold your horses, Doc. The whole galaxy knows you're Shepard's girl, not Solheim. It was a dumb joke. Nothing to get all riled up over!"

I snarled at her, "Mind your own business. No one asked you anything!"

Captain Matsuo continued on as if nothing happened, "Commander, you may be surprised to learn what's changed on Noveria in recent times. With the Great Corporation Crash, we have seen a lot of reshuffling of offices and ownership across our properties. Many companies such as Binary Helix and Synthetic Insights were forced out of business. Cerberus was one of the few organizations who went untouched by the corporate reshuffling. They have greatly benefited from the new market landscape."

"So does that mean Cerberus is the one calling the shots these days?"

"Yes, that is accurate. They are not a publicly-traded company. No one except those in Cerberus' upper-echelons knows the exact valuation of their business. However, it is safe to say they are among the new juggernauts of the Milky Way's economy. Thanks to their incredible scientific divisions, they have successfully diversified their portfolio, expanding to fill gaps where other companies have failed due to corruption and lack of oversight. Cerberus is not expanding too aggressively, either. They are leaving room for small businesses to grow as well. Solheim-sama appears to value healthy competition."

Despite the mess going on between Miranda and Liara, I enjoyed learning this about her.

Already I could tell she was in her element here. Solheim belonged in this space. If she had somehow remained on our team, I only would've ended up limiting her potential. She had managed to spread her wings without me—and without the Illusive Man, too.

"Anyway, your team is clear to enter the port. We were never able to figure out that unfortunate incident between Parasini-san and Anoleis-sama. Some of the remaining executives still associate you with the altercation. I recommend not taking their suspicions personally. Please enjoy your stay."

The 'unfortunate incident' with Gianna Parasini and Administrator Anoleis killing each other. Shooting the other at the same time during their so-called altercation. Because I'd accidentally set them up to fail. All to get that damned garage pass we needed at the time.

How convenient that no one figured out my part in the whole drama.

"Thanks, Captain Matsuo. It was good seeing you again."

I brought my team inside the lobby, finally escaping the frigid cold outside. Joker, Garrus, Kaidan, and Wrex hurried up ahead to the warmth. These heated fountains cascading from the stone decorations: hazing in a comfortable fog, they raised the temperature in here to much more acceptable levels. Then the guys took the elevator ahead of us, leaving to the mezzanine. Tali stayed nearest to me, warming up as well. She didn't seem quite as tense anymore. Maybe she'd found her peace again. And EDI mentioned Traynor would want to visit the bar. I assumed she would make her way over there a little later on.

Tali and Liara joined me for this elevator ride to the mezzanine.

This same emerald coloring to the glass around us. This slideshow of lights and shadows blinked through as we passed by the other floors. I kept Liara's hand firmly in mine. On my other side, Tali had already wrapped both of her arms around my forearm, palming up to my bicep. I glanced down at their heads—how my girls had each curled against me somehow. Maybe the memories of this moment had gotten to them.

As we passed through the mezzanine, our new reality reflected itself in a few ways.

The executives avoided us, as usual. They gave Tali and me the widest berth, hoping to avoid us specifically. Spectres, the two of us. Amused by this change, Tali laughed to herself. Even though she'd become a Spectre a while ago, this experience solidified her status. She got to experience the thrill of obviously-guilty people telling on themselves like this.

We also spotted someone heading to the administrator's office. The new administrator himself:

A well-dressed human with a Cerberus logo over the breast of his sharp suit.

I noticed Joker and the other guys hanging out nearest the windows down there. Those giant windows opened to the sleet of Noveria's relentless blizzard, the white of that snow spattering against the glass in stubbornness. And I was about to lead Tali and Liara down with me. I just assumed they would want to hang out with their friends. But then they stopped, with Liara announcing to me:

"Shepard, Tali and I will go on ahead to the bar. Will you meet us there soon?"

"Okay," I accepted in confusion. "If you need anything before that, you know how to reach me."

Tali waved goodbye to me. "See you soon, pretty boy."

Leaving me dumbfounded in their wake, Tali and Liara giggled as they left together. Holding hands, whispering to each other in closeness, they headed to the other elevator across the way. Off to the bar—that same one next to the entrance to Port Hanshan's hotel. I figured no one would bother them over there. Just the usual corporate customers enjoying a three-martini lunch. Nothing to worry over.

I walked down these steps, past the armed guards near these rows of fountains, and the decorative rocks and stones around.

Then I found Joker, Garrus, Kaidan, and Wrex mingling by this window. Joker had on a coat, but he still had his arms wrapped around himself, shivering madly. Garrus wasn't any better off, grimacing in his heavier armor today. Wrex seemed all right, and Kaidan had a big grin on his face.

"Oh hey, Shepard," greeted Kaidan. "Great to be back here, huh? Or, well, it's our first time anyway."

"Yeah," recalled Wrex. "We never got to go last time. Stuck in the med bay after Feros. Remember those Thorian creepers? Sure did a number on us. You and the ladies had to handle Noveria on your own."

Garrus asked, "How was that, by the way? I mean, we read the reports. I know you and the girls trekked out to the Binary Helix labs on your own. You couldn't get the Mako over to Port Hanshan's garage. Wasn't there drama with that Anoleis guy and his secretary getting killed? Captain Matsuo mentioned it earlier at the entrance. What really happened with that incident?"

"Long story," I grumbled.

Teeth chattering, Joker moaned, "And now I'm remembering why I stayed on the ship that time… This place sucks! I'm freezing my ass off! Commander, you wanna lend me your temperature implant-things? Could sure use some help over here!"

"Sorry, Joker. You're on your own."

Kaidan sounded so pleasant by contrast, "I really love this place. Reminds me of home. It's usually snowing up in Canada where I'm from. Pretty sure they're in a snowstorm now that it's January. I miss sitting by the fireplace with a warm drink. Wish we could do that here somehow."

Wrex wanted to know, "Hey, Garrus, is it still snowing on your homeworld? Forgot to mention us krogan don't do snow too well. Don't know how helpful our reinforcements will be for the war."

"I haven't heard of any problems," reported Garrus. "The krogan are just now arriving to help out with the resistance. Things had already been going well after Lucifer and Apollo went down. Everything's going much smoother now. From what I can tell, the snow won't be an issue. We just need bodies."

As the group chatted some more about the war, I felt my thoughts speeding up beyond my control.

Something wasn't right with this picture.

Something didn't add up.

Why did Tali keep avoiding her friends? Why did Liara keep supporting this, siding with her over the others? Wrex was the exception. He had joined us when we hung out together on New Year's Eve with EDI and Legion. But this had all started before that. I started feeling these vibes not long after Rannoch…

Rannoch, once Tali had showed her face to everyone. Her gorgeous face that had sent the guys' hormones into overdrive. This realization made my protectiveness flare, burning me up in this cold.

I had the choice to intervene, dialing this problem up to one hundred. Because I had no fucking chill.

Or I could say nothing.

Nothing, while respecting Tali's wishes for me to stay out of it.

She knew I'd kick their asses out the airlock over this.

No wonder she kept acting like nothing was wrong.

But Joker picked up on my seething rage. He gaped at me, asking, "Commander? What's going on…?"

Kaidan and Garrus stopped to stare, too. Wrex cringed, already having figured me out.

Curling my lips to dangerous degrees, sucking on my teeth dry to my fangs; I considered. I compromised.

All I said was, "You owe Tali an apology."

They immediately understood. This guilt over their faces. Worse than these Spectre-dodging executives.

As the innocent one, Wrex promised me, "I'll sort this out, Shepard. Let me handle it."

"Fine," I settled. "This is the only warning you'll get from me. Pull this stunt again and I won't be as forgiving. The same goes for Liara, too. If I catch any of you making them uncomfortable, you'll have to deal with me. They're your friends, so treat them like your friends. Nothing more than that. Am I clear?"

Garrus, Kaidan, and Joker mumbled their words of affirmation, of understanding.

Without knowing the exact details, I couldn't say anything more. I needed to stay at this distance.

"I should go."

Leaving this behind, I went to the other end of the mezzanine. Off to the elevator leading to the bar.

The place still had that same low-key music playing as before. A handful of executives standing around the taller tables, chatting about this and that. All of them doing everything they could to avoid my stare. Only Tali and Liara sat together at a regular table. They had picked that same location closest to the snowy windows. I strode over to them, again transported to the past. Liara and Tali had their closeness, their joy together, evolved from their years of friendship, how they had grown since those early days. Nothing could tear them apart. Not me, not the guys, not anyone. They would always be best friends.

Tali and Liara had also chosen to wait for me.

They could've ordered their own drinks by now.

Too caught up in their discussion together, they had settled for letting me treat them. As I wanted to.

But they made sure to stop and smile at me as I approached.

"Hey," I greeted, settling myself between their seats, so close together.

"Hello again, Shepard," said Liara, beaming as I leaned down to kiss the crown of her crests.

Tali did the same, blushing as I kissed her helmet—just as the side of her face.

I asked them, "Did you still want me to get you a drink?"

"Yes, please. Do you think you could get us something warm? The weather outside is still dreadful."

"All right. Something warm. I'll be right back, then."

Making my way over to the bar, I found the same salarian bartender from before. The same guy who'd messed up Tali's order that time, giving me a non-dextro-friendly drink. I'd thrown the drink back in his face, enraged over his carelessness. Because if I hadn't scanned the thing myself, the drink could've killed her. So I didn't blame the poor guy now, jumping in place once he saw me. Stammering, he did my best to take my order. Two warm drinks for the ladies sitting at the other end. One dextro, one not.

Scanning the effervescent drinks, low on alcohol, I checked them over for posterity's sake.

Nothing wrong. Followed my requests to a T this time.

I thanked the bartender, then brought the cups back to the table with me.

As Tali and Liara glanced at me, I found another familiar sense about them. This old lustful suspicion they aroused in me. How they had clearly been talking about something secretive before I returned. Because they kept on smiling at me. Smiling in that special way. The twinkle in their eyes forevermore.

Tempering myself, I set their cups in front of them.

"Two warm drinks for you."

"Thank you, Shepard," said Tali, sipping through the straw right away. No scan of her own, again.

"Yes, thank you," added Liara, warming up her hands with the cup. "Won't you sit with us for a bit?"

"Okay. I still have a few more minutes."

Tali asked, "A few more minutes until your appointment? You never mentioned that before."

As I sat down, I explained the situation. Needing to speak with Solheim at the Cerberus offices; going for a personalized tour at their labs in the mountains. Not quite the same spying I'd had in mind before. I also showed Tali the nastygram Miranda had sent me, explaining this change of plans for the mission.

"I see," muttered Tali, not approving at all. "Well, this is probably better than sneaking around and only getting half-answers. Hopefully Solheim will give you some substantial information. I doubt Cerberus is going around making a bunch of supersoldiers. The Alliance won't have to worry about her anymore."

Liara added, "And hopefully we won't have to worry, either. She has taken up enough of our energy."

"We'll see what happens," I settled.

"How much time is left until your appointment?"

"About twenty minutes. Solheim gave me just enough time to hang out with you for a while."

Tali soured, "How generous of her." Sipping her drink, warmth fogging her mask, she spotted something behind me. "Hmm, there's Traynor. She's ordering a drink. Is it just me, or does she look kind of down?"

"It isn't just you," said Liara. "She and EDI must be going through some growing pains."

EDI did ask me earlier to keep an eye on Traynor.

As if knowing the same, Tali suggested, "Shepard, why don't you go and speak with her? Something tells me EDI isn't the only one she's concerned about."

Liara agreed, "You should. Traynor is constantly seeking validation from you. It would not hurt to hold a real conversation with her."

Validation…? But why?

Then again, Liara and Tali had something going on. They wanted to continue their conversation—without me around. This seemed like a convenient excuse to shoo me away from them sooner.

Not putting up a fight, I did as they asked me to do.

I went over to Traynor sitting by herself at a table. She'd ordered herself some kind of colorful cocktail. Stirring that straw, lost in her thoughts, Traynor didn't notice me at first. I didn't want to scare her again.

So I walked around, making sure she could see my approach in front of her this time.

Traynor snapped her head up once I made it to her spot.

"Commander…? Is that you? A-Are you here to speak with me?"

"Yeah, it's me," I replied. "It's not a big deal. You can relax, Traynor."

Chuckling to herself, she murmured, "Not a big deal, is it? Maybe for you, it isn't."

I pretended not to hear that last part. "Do you mind if I sit?"

She smiled, gesturing to the chair across from her. "Sure, thank you. I must look miserable, don't I?"

Taking this seat, I didn't know if I should bother holding my tongue or not.

"You look depressed. Is there something going on?"

"Oh, I suppose I'm going through a bit of a time. Now that our holiday's over, and we're back to work, I can't ignore these struggles anymore. You could say I'm having difficulties adjusting to the mission."

"What do you mean?"

"I-I'm used to working in a lab. Not aboard a special operations frigate. Or did I tell you that already? I honestly don't remember. We haven't spoken in ages. Not about—um, non-work matters, I mean."

I had to stop myself from saying, "That's what you think."

Then Traynor insisted, "I really don't mean to complain! For example, Christmas was wonderful. I got a beautiful new chess set, some programming resources, and even a brand new toothbrush!" A toothbrush…? "I really felt like a part of the team with you all. I'll never forget our time on Liara's homeworld. I've just had these other silly concerns. Nothing that's worth your time, Commander."

"Worth my time? What's that supposed to mean?"

Embarrassed now, Traynor squeaked out, "Well, I feel kind of insignificant—next to you."

"Traynor, I'm not a monarch," I reminded her. "You don't have to put me on some pedestal."

"…from where I'm sitting, it certainly seems like you're on a throne. Not in terms of your ego! I only mean—the way you hold yourself. How confident you are. I don't know how else to describe it."

Pausing for a moment, I thought carefully about what to say next.

I found an opportunity for reconciliation here. Because I could've walked away; acted like I didn't care about Traynor's problems. But aside from EDI, I was the one contributing to her confusions these days. Partly my fault from my shenanigans at that party the other night. Traynor wouldn't say 'that guy' was on her mind. I could still tell I'd left her rattled and emotional, thoughts spiraling. I had a responsibility.

"Traynor, why are you always so anxious around me? What's going on?"

She quietly admitted, "I don't want to disappoint you, Commander. But it seems like everything I do only annoys you. You could say it's…demoralizing. It's really getting to me these days. Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. It's not my intention to come off that way."

"No, I know. I don't blame you or anything. It's just how you're wired. I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of nothing. No news is good news with you. You seem to be pleased with my work so far. Otherwise I would've heard about it. Or you would've terminated me from my position. Right?"

"That's right," I confirmed.

"Well, that's a relief. I've just felt like I'm this close to setting off a landmine with you. It's difficult to pin you down. I-I'm not trying to put you in a box or anything! I'm only trying to understand you as my commanding officer. I know you have a heart in there. Even if the outside is made of iron. Otherwise, Liara and Tali wouldn't love you as much as they do. I've seen how sweet you are with them, too."

Something of her words reminded me of the past.

So long ago when my old drill instructor had pointed out something similar about me.

I explained, "I'm not the best at making people feel welcome. That's my fault, not yours."

Accepting my implied apology with ease, Traynor managed to smile at me.

"That's okay, Commander," she forgave. "As long as you don't hate me, I can live with the rest." Then she sprang to life with this sudden idea: "By the way, do you happen to know your personality type? I've been meaning to ask you for ages! I really love comparing and contrasting whenever I meet someone."

I felt myself resisting Traynor's need to overanalyze me.

Trying for the sake of the team, I remembered, "Yeah, I think I'm an INTJ. Forgot what the actual letters mean aside from the I. Introvert."

"Oh, that's you! It's a very rare personality type for women to have. The Architect or the Mastermind—the ultimate planners of the galaxy. The Mastermind makes you sound like a proper villain, doesn't it?"

Uh…

"Sorry!" she corrected. "That…wasn't the best thing to say. A terrible joke on my part. Please forget it."

"It's fine."

"When a woman says it's fine, she never means that, you know." Traynor knew I didn't want to get into this. "Well, anyway, thanks for the information. This will help me a lot. I'll look into it on my own later."

Helpful for more than just work, I assumed.

"I should go," I told her, standing now. "I have to get to my appointment with Solheim."

"Right, your ex-girlfriend, Miranda Lawson… You're meeting her in her office? The two of you, alone?"

This brand of curiosity from her didn't sit well with me. Invasive. Just like that guard from outside.

"Enjoy the rest of your drink, Traynor. I'll see you back on the Normandy."

As I left the bar, I felt her eyes on the back of my head, watching me go. Even more than that. This near-invasive energy from her—checking me out, memorizing everything about me. The way I walked, the way I held myself, and every other detail I couldn't imagine right now. I felt myself regretting that entire conversation now. I did not want to give anyone this tacit permission to get closer to me—or to invade my space, from a distance or otherwise. Tali and Liara had these permissions, watching me with the same desire simmering in their stares. I didn't want anyone else to have this. Not Traynor, not anyone.

Once I reached the general office space, I realized how difficult this would've been if I'd snuck in here.

After leaving the elevator, and arriving to this drab gray of the lobby area, I found the place well-guarded. Several Cerberus agents roamed around with drones hovering beside them. Those drones had state-of-the-art scanners working to spot any threats. Like a lone infiltrator cloaking around the offices. Those scanners would've picked up my tactical cloak with ease. And they should have, considering Solheim herself had boosted this tech for me during the Lazarus Project. She knew me inside and out.

As I walked by these agents, nothing appeared out of the norm.

They each greeted me by my rank, by my name, saying hello; saying good afternoon; asking how I was.

I didn't feel anything strange from them. Nothing seemed off. No bad vibes or anything.

I found Solheim's personal office upstairs. Upstairs and across a bridge, secluded in this corner with nothing else around. She had a series of panels over these lobby-facing windows, preventing anyone from peeking inside. Yet another barrier that would've stopped me from spying on her. I would've had to hack the door to get in. Only to find Solheim working at her desk, waiting to bust me in the end.

Not knowing what to expect, I knocked on the door.

Soon the door slid open, granting me access inside.

The soft cadence of classical music drifted to my senses. These sounds played over the fury of the blizzard outside the tall windows. And they concealed the softer chimes of Solheim's hand along her wine glass, bringing the rich burgundy liquor there to her full lips. She kept her eyes to me the whole time. The narrow slants of her eyes, glaring. Just glaring at me. Even as I walked from the doorway over to her side. The music seemed to keep her mood from getting any worse. I remembered she would listen to classical music before. The bottle of Pinot Noir next to her computer jogged my memory, too.

"Hey."

Sighing over this situation, Miranda didn't know what to do with me.

She wanted to stay angry. But she somehow decided against it.

Working against her mood, Solheim stood up to greet me. She draped her arms around my shoulders. Her gloved hands I soon felt splaying down my back, gracing through my hair. I held Miranda's waist as my embrace. This encounter alone seemed enough to dispel my suspicions. My suspicions over her work, over possibly trusting her again. Solheim had proven everything she needed to, personally, on Tuchanka yesterday. The rest was only a matter of opening my eyes. Seeing everything else for myself.

"Thank you, Shepard," she murmured as I pulled away. "Thank you for being here. Please have a seat."

I took this seat across from her, on the other side of her desk.

Transported back to the past yet again:

This time, sitting with Miranda in her office on the Normandy. Inundated by her loyalty to Cerberus.

Solheim procured another wine glass. She poured from that bottle of Pinot Noir. Only about a quarter of the way full. Then she offered the glass to me.

"Would you like a drink?"

Despite feeling myself coming around now, this was a bit much.

I stared at the burgundy islanded within the glass.

Miranda sighed over my trained suspicions. She took a sip of her own, and then sat the glass down in front of me. Shared germs there over the barely-visible ring of the glass. The shape of her glossed and wined lips, the kiss there, stained in love and tolerance. Nothing new. I sipped the wine anyway.

"So," she said. "You're here. I almost can't believe it."

"How are you liking Noveria?"

"I don't like it at all. This frozen world is miserable. It's barely inhabitable and there's nothing going on. If Noveria didn't have the facilities we needed, I never would've considered setting up shop here."

I asked her, "Why do you need these facilities, anyway? I thought Cerberus had more than enough equipment at your headquarters. Or even the other labs and stations you have around the galaxy."

"That's true. The thing is, Cronos Station is out in the middle of nowhere. This makes it difficult for us to trade with our partners. They need a more convenient location to do business with us. Besides, we've made good inroads here. With all the business Noveria has lost lately, Cerberus is making the rounds. We already have a sizable influence over Noveria's executive board. I plan on extending this influence soon—with the right resources. Despite my reservations, Noveria's become a nice playground for us."

"How did all this happen so quickly?" I wondered. "The Great Corporation Crash only happened a few weeks ago. Did you have some kind of insider knowledge to get Cerberus to this point?"

"Well, yes," revealed Solheim, pleased with herself. "Our corporate espionage pursuits predicted this crash would happen: that many major businesses would get caught up in the scandal. This is how I brought our remaining agents on board, ensuring they switched their loyalties to me from the Illusive Man. Under my new leadership, we began diversifying our portfolio months ago. By the time everything blew up, we were prepared to jump into the market, filling in where our competition had failed. All of our hard work has finally paid off. My agents are completely loyal to me. Everyone's fully onboard."

Intelligent, ruthless, and effective.

I expected nothing less from her.

I also remembered, "Did you speed things up by tipping off the salarian councilor? You were the one who let him know what the dalatrass was up to."

"Indeed. Everything went according to plan. Though I didn't expect you would arrest the dalatrass on Sur'Kesh. I figured she would end up dying in the fray, and the rest would come to light after her death."

"And what about Dr. Eva Coré? The Illusive Man's old friend. The one in charge of Tai Yong Medical."

"Oh, her? Dr. Coré had the same idea as me. Tai Yong Medical is our biggest competitor. Their biotech niche overlaps with many of Cerberus' offerings. Once I took over the organization, I had to make an immediate decision. I could have continued the Illusive Man's long friendship with Dr. Coré, making good use of her as an ally as he had done for several years. Or I could have iced her out, cutting off those dependencies, and had Cerberus stand on our own two feet without her. Obviously, I chose the latter."

"So while she had her hands full dealing with reporters in the media, you clawed your way to the top."

"Exactly."

I questioned, "As clever as that is, don't you think it'll come back to bite you someday?"

"That's always a possibility," allowed Solheim. "I just have to be smarter. Though it does explain how I was acutely aware of your arrival. And the Alliance's presence in general. I can never be too careful."

Duly noted.

"Speaking of the Alliance, Shepard. Why have they been poking around so much these days? They practically left me alone before. I haven't positioned myself as a threat to anyone. What's this about?"

"You could say the upper-brass hasn't forgotten what your old leadership did."

"Hmm. I didn't consider needing to prove my goodwill any further. I assumed sending my old boss' fresh corpse to the Alliance would be enough. Oh, well. I can prove enough to you today during our tour. We'll head to our labs out in the mountains. Peak 15. The same labs you visited before. Surely you can vouch for Cerberus once you're satisfied with what you've seen."

"If everything goes well, yes. I don't mind doing that. What's the main project you have going on?"

"I'll show you at Peak 15," replied Solheim. "Aside from what I can show, I'm working on a few contingency operations." Contingency operations? "What I mean is: if you ever find yourself unable to complete your duties with the Reapers, then Cerberus would step in."

"What? How is that possible?"

Solheim refused to explain herself.

Instead she only said, "Let's hope we never have to find out." Taking this deliberate sip of her wine, she studied my confusion carefully. "This is the biggest project we're working on. I don't want to give any details because it's still very early-days. Think of it as a support system. There's nothing to be afraid of."

I still didn't like the sound of that.

Setting work aside for the moment, Miranda asked, "So, did you ever plan on telling me? About the Reapers; about your incredible transcendence. Or did you intend on keeping me in the dark forever?"

I admitted, "I didn't know how to bring up the subject. Didn't seem like we would carry on again. I never expected us to be on speaking terms like this. I wouldn't have had a reason to share anything with you."

"Mm. I can understand that. As long as it wasn't malicious, then I'm willing to leave this behind us."

"I have no ill-will against you, Miranda. But you apparently can't say the same about Liara these days."

"Oh, that… Honestly, Shepard, it's nothing to be concerned over. It's humiliating that she was the one who broke the news to me. I couldn't hide my reaction. Now it feels like Liara's holding something over me. I can't stand it. I also can't tell if she's changed—or if she was always like this and I never noticed."

"Liara's always been like this," I reminded her. "She hasn't changed."

"And you just accept this about her? You love and adore her for who she is? One hundred percent?"

Miranda already knew the answer to that.

Huffing in disapproval anyway, she stood up from her desk. She muttered something about leaving for Peak 15 now, and to follow her. We left her office and left for the garage together. In total silence.

When we arrived at the entrance, Solheim didn't have to show a garage pass or anything. The guard simply let us pass through. After getting in a rover, Solheim began this drive. She took us out to the whiteout snow, heading to the Cerberus labs. Formerly the Binary Helix labs.

Again, during this drive, Miranda wouldn't speak to me.

I didn't need to worry about activating my temperature plants, anyway. She had the heater running, keeping our vehicle warm enough.

I just couldn't understand why she resented Liara now.

Solheim had always known Liara was this person. If she had somehow forgotten, then that was on her.

At this next garage, Solheim parked the rover in this large, spacious area. As we got out, leaving for the elevator, I saw these telling displays from her Cerberus agents. How they saluted her as the two of us walked past. Or more like, her agents saluted us both. Pure dedication from everyone around us.

As we explored the labs, I listened to Solheim's explanations:

"Our goals at Cerberus have remained the same. Like I've told you, we're still focused on the advancement of humanity. Our current focus is on achieving economic and scientific dominance across the galaxy. It's important that we do this as a human organization. We need to solidify our species' value to the galaxy. We've made great strides with this in recent weeks. I'm very pleased with our progress."

We continued passing through these corridors and hallways of the labs. These Cerberus scientists passed us by, showing the same respect as Solheim's other agents. Equally as dedicated.

"Once we succeed, the other species will respect Earth even more than they already do. The Alliance has locked down humanity's influence militarily. Cerberus aims to garner that same influence from a corporate angle instead. We're doing this by creating valuable tech to sell and lease to others, maintaining a specific dependence on Cerberus' human creations. This empowers us to do the work that matters: mainly researching the trailblazing technology for operations like the Lazarus Project. We do our best to go where no one else dares to dream. To achieve what no one else has the resources for."

The larger workspace of this lab showed Cerberus' inner-workings.

Hauling in from the white of the snow, the black of these ships brought in piles of tech and machines.

Out of everyone else's dedication, I spotted someone who seemed to stand out. I zoomed my attention in on an agent on the other side of the room. She frowned at the production line coming in. Muttering under her breath, shaking her head: I read her lips, how she thought the tech in front of her was "weird" for some reason or another. The woman caught my attention because I nearly mistook her for someone else. She looked like Traynor in a Cerberus uniform. Similar features. Not the same personality.

Then that Jacob guy showed up. He seemed to have overheard the agent's complaints over there.

"What was that, Agent Lilium?" he challenged, his voice carrying across the room. "Did I hear you badmouthing our operations here?"

"No, Sir!" claimed this Agent Lilium, saluting him in a hurry. "I-I didn't mean it like that—"

"Bullshit. This is what the boss wants. Either get used to it or get the hell out of here. Understood?"

"Yes, Sir. Won't happen again, Sir!"

Then she scurried off.

Jacob sighed in frustration as he made his way over here.

"Interesting," muttered Solheim. "Agent Lilium. I'll have to look into her later."

"Hey, Boss," said Jacob. "Glad you made it back okay." Then he offered his hand to me. "Commander. You've never met me. Maybe you know my name. I'm Jacob Taylor, one of the boss' top officers. It's an honor to finally meet you in the flesh. I've heard great things about you."

Clapping my hand with his, I stopped myself from repeating the same platitudes back to him.

I couldn't stop picturing that footage Miranda had sent me. Of Jacob as her client during her dominatrix days; of him bare-assed on the floor, with the stiletto heels of her fuck me boots digging into his back.

Jacob asked his boss, "Want me to give her the rundown? I'll keep it short and sweet like you said."

"Please do," replied Solheim.

"Okay, so what you're seeing is the production line for our proprietary technology. We had some other builds using borrowed tech from other companies. We managed to iterate and improve on those, getting to these models you see around us. They're mainly for our cloning machines."

"Cloning machines?" I echoed. "Who are you cloning?"

"You," clarified Miranda. "Who else?"

What?!

"Shepard, listen. This is extremely valuable. If you're going to be immortal, there will be times when you can't make it out into the field. Or maybe you'll need someone to act as a body double for security purposes. We'll always have a lookalike around to get the job done."

Right, and what were these clones supposed to do in the meantime? Just hang out at Cronos Station?

Jacob went on like it was no big deal, "We also have a growing AI division, piggybacking off of our successful work in creating EDI. Then there's our genetic modification division, using the boss' own improvements as a baseline. Just about anything you can think of from the big companies that went under, we've got our fingers in the pie. We're filling in all the gaps they left behind in the industry."

Touring some more, listening some more, I made my judgments on this whole thing.

Cerberus seemed above-board. Mostly respectable. Aside from Solheim's shadowy maneuvering in taking down her competition, I couldn't spot any red flags around. She did what she needed to do. Solheim was a natural corporate hustler. Savvy enough to know where to invest, and where to improve. Each one of her agents had her back—whatever they might've complained about personally. And now, thanks to Solheim, Cerberus had begun shaping up as a true empire under her leadership.

By the time we wrapped up this tour, my feelings about Miranda felt clearer than ever.

I was proud of her.

I couldn't tell her. I couldn't say the words. So I carried this feeling with me as we returned to the rover.

As Solheim drove me back to Port Hanshan, she seemed in a better mood.

Showing off her projects to me had helped her forget about everything else.

"By the way, Shepard," she said. "I hope you'll keep the specifics of these projects to yourself. I value competition. But I don't want everyone knowing what Cerberus is up to. Especially Tai Yong Medical."

I promised her, "I'll be discreet."

"Good. Thank you." She let herself smile, then. "I'll be making my way home to Illium soon enough. They're already dealing with repairs after the attacks on the Terminus Systems. I'll need to make sure it's safe to bring my sister and her family back home. You haven't been back there, have you?"

"I haven't."

"Do you plan on stopping by any time soon?"

"I don't know. Maybe. Why?"

"Well, you do still have access to my apartment. And my car. Remember I gave you access before?"

When I'd brought her back home after the suicide mission. I remembered.

She went on, "If you do drop by, and I'm not home, you're free to let yourself in. Have some wine. Use my computer. Sleep in my bed. Drive around Illium like you own the place. Whatever you want to do."

That sounded awfully generous of her.

I couldn't help thinking back on what she couldn't tell me. For all of Cerberus' transparency, I still didn't know everything. I'd come away from this tour feeling satisfied enough. But I didn't have all the details.

Then this sincerity she gave me: "Shepard, I know how all of this looks. It's clear now that I have other projects I can't discuss. It's not that I'm trying to hide them from you. It's more about me not wanting to count my eggs before they hatch. Or not making a fool of myself if I brag to you about a venture that ends up not panning out. I'm not looking to keep secrets from you…or lie to you like I did in the past. I hope our time on Tuchanka, and now on Noveria, has lessened your fears about trusting me again."

After these past couple of days, I did see us on a better path.

The rest would take time.

We soon returned to the garage. Solheim stopped the rover without parking. She only meant to drop me off before heading back out to Peak 15. She knew I would return to my team after this. Returning to the Normandy after this. We would both get back to our normal lives.

Miranda leaned closer to me, emphasizing: "However long it takes, I'll keep reminding you. I'm still here if you need anything. Whatever you need. All I want is for you to be safe and happy. If that's with Liara…then so be it. As long as she leaves me alone, I have no reason to get involved with her. I hope that doesn't change. I hope you and I can focus on healing, on repairs. Even if it takes us years."

She held her arms out to me, hoping for a goodbye hug.

I returned her care, embracing Solheim one last time. Even as she held her emotions back, I felt everything from her. This broad spectrum of confusing delights; and this specific control from her.

I knew she wanted to kiss me. She knew I wouldn't let her.

So she settled on telling me, "I love you, darling. Now please tell the Alliance to stay out of my business."

"I will, Miranda. Don't worry about that. You take care of yourself, all right?"

After getting out of the truck, I still had this view of Solheim in the driver's seat.

She winked at me, seemingly all-knowing as she said, "See you on Illium whenever you make it there on the Normandy. Something tells me we'll have a wonderful time together!"

Shaking my head in disbelief, smiling at her; I went ahead and left the garage.

We would follow Miranda home to Illium, yes. But I still wanted to wait a while first. Going right away seemed like a terrible move. I didn't want to give Solheim the wrong idea by following her home ASAP.

Nonetheless, our next stop on the Cerberus Express would eventually be Illium.