Requiem of the Goddess Chapter 87: Deep Azure, a mass effect fanfic

"Deva" by Zwirek / "Chongqing Requiem" from Hitman 3

LXXXVII. Deep Azure

(Liara)

Freedom had found us in abundance over these past few weeks.

After our time on Noveria, the Alliance had given us new types of assignments to handle. Instead of our usual massive operations against the Reapers, we focused on smaller-scale missions. Smaller-scale, yet still important in the grand scheme of things. We accompanied groups of seasoned N7 soldiers for special ops. Rescuing civilians under attack by the enemy on Benning, and getting them safely off-world to the Citadel. Assisting with relief efforts on the ground on Horizon. And flushing out scores of brutes causing trouble for Wrex's forces on Tuchanka. These lower-stakes operations reminded us of the larger scale of this ongoing war. With so many affected by the war—fighting in the war, or fleeing the war—our team embraced these many reminders. The entire galaxy fought against the Reapers. Not just us.

Following these weeks of work—traveling from colony to colony, world to world—we needed a break.

So at the beginning of February, Shepard had us set a course for Illium at long last.

She had purposely chosen for us to wait a while after Noveria. A certain someone who lived here on Illium would've gotten the wrong idea, had we showed up too soon. Shepard confirmed her ex had made it back home by now. But she still hadn't decided on the matter of paying her a visit. There was technically no need, as the Alliance had officially dropped their concerned probing into Cerberus' affairs.

I hadn't spoken to Shepard about it.

I had done my best not to mention her ex at all.

The matter felt too much like walking on eggshells. Or wandering a field of landmines. Though not because of Shepard. Because of me. Because she knew I still hadn't let this problem go. I really should have by now. I couldn't help my obsessive mind weaving and spinning these unending scenarios. Even as the Normandy pulled into Illium's orbit, I couldn't stop worrying. Even as the ship gleamed and glittered in Nos Astra's eternal sunset's dream at midday, reminding me so much of home. The beauty and ingenuity of this place had always captivated me. The tall towers never ended, iridescent before the Normandy as we pulled into dock near the trading floor; the expanse of the burning sky went on forever; and the headlights and brake lights from the many skycars went on for miles past the horizon.

From where I stood on the bridge, staring out at this view, I missed Shepard so much.

Even though she wouldn't say it, I knew how she truly felt. My endless obsessions had exhausted her.

Hoping to give Shepard a break from me, I left the Normandy that afternoon with the rest of the team. She chose to stay behind while I went shopping with my friends. We had all agreed to go out together later that night. Shepard had promised to come along as well. Until then, she needed some time alone.

Walking through the trading floor with Tali and the guys, we took stock of the damage from the war. Nos Astra hadn't suffered too terribly—unlike other locations throughout the Terminus Systems. With Thessia still untouched these days, Asari High Command had sent our military forces to protect Illium during the initial attack. After Shepard had helped defeat Beelzebub on Omega, my homeworld's military had successfully driven the Reapers away, leading to a number of military and civilian volunteers assisting with repairs. Aside from the visible scaffolding propping up the Eternity bar and other venues, not much seemed out of place compared to before. Illium would heal soon.

Ever enchanted by this garden world, I marveled over the many stores and shopping centers around.

We eventually settled on a large enough indoor mall to peruse: a tall tower in the heart of Nos Astra, its violet windows housing hundreds upon hundreds of stores, all together in a single hive of capitalism. It all reminded me of Illium's reputation for cutthroat corporate competition. Even these simple advertisements for asari beauty products held the sinister suggestion of something else. These products instilled impossible beauty standards in my people. An entire economy revolved around self-loathing:

"…your skin looks amazing! You're not using biotics to touch things up, are you?"

"Actually, I just tried Exoderm! New Exoderm moisturizing cleanser. They'll never know you've been through the matron stage."

How strange.

"Hey, Liara," said Garrus as we perused the mall. "Do you use stuff like that? Those kinds of products?"

"Never. I only use regular soap to wash my face. Then again, I am too young to be the target audience."

Wrex complained, "Pretty sure we've heard this ad ten times by now. Wish we could shut them off."

Joker joked around, "I doubt you'll ever need it, Liara. If Samara still looks smoking hot for her age, I'm pretty sure the same thing'll happen with you."

Tali snorted. "Is this your way of reminding Liara how attractive she is?"

"No-no-no! Not that again. I'm only trying to be nice. Promise!"

"Mm-hmm. If you say so."

Kaidan vowed, "We've learned our lesson, Tali. Nothing to worry about from us. We're harmless."

About two weeks ago, Kaidan, Garrus, and Joker had apologized to Tali for their behavior. They acknowledged they had been acting strangely around her. Treating her differently. Making awkward attempts at flirting with her. Vying for her attention when there was no need for any of that. They had finally gotten the hint on New Year's Eve—after we had iced them out from joining our celebrations with Shepard. We had brought Wrex, EDI, and Legion along instead. But not the rest of our usual group.

Shepard had noticed the schism, choosing to lightly scold them over it on Noveria.

The situation could've gotten much worse. Hence why Tali hadn't wanted Shepard to get involved.

Thankfully, everything worked out in the end. Now the guys had promised to join us tonight at Deep Azure. Treading these brand new waters with their first real exposure to BDSM: they wished to do this as more reconciliation for before. Even Garrus, who suffered from extreme shyness over these things.

Cortez and Legion had politely declined to come along. The direct exposure to unbridled exhibitionism at Deep Azure seemed like too much for them. I'd assumed Traynor would feel the same way, yet she had pledged to join us tonight. EDI as well. Jack would be there, too, out on the prowl for a one-night stand.

The only remaining question mark was Samara. Again, I had my assumptions, but we still needed to ask.

As we all wandered around together, I took special note of Tali's new companion following her around.

She had gotten her automaton working this morning. Chatika vas Paus, as Tali had decided to name her. I enjoyed this sight of the little one right at Tali's heel, that ornate frame shining in the lights from these stores. Chatika attracted a great deal of attention, with many people wondering what she was. Not a combat drone. Not a mech. Certainly not a regular toy. They had never seen anything like her before.

"Tali, are you concerned?" I asked her. "People won't stop staring at your automaton."

"Oh, it isn't a big deal. I figured this would happen. I've already taken the necessary precautions."

"That's good to hear. Is Chatika combat-ready?"

"Yes, she is!" said Tali, proud of her handiwork. "I spent a lot of time configuring her functions. She only has so much armor to work with. I had to choose carefully where to focus her processing power, trying to make up for the weaknesses in her construction. I really don't want her to get blown up in combat. She's not replaceable, as you know… So I decided to enhance Chatika's personal shields. This way, she'll be nearly indestructible. The main downside is she doesn't have much offensive power for a firefight."

"I can't imagine her tiny hands and arms wielding any sort of gun."

"You're right. She wasn't designed for it. Automatons on Rannoch predate any type of firearms. My ancestors created machines as companions before they ever thought to use that technology for weapons. I've made her into a dedicated saboteur and support unit instead. I got the idea from the automaton that supported us back on the homeworld, during our Nyzul Isle climb for the mythic gun."

"I am not surprised that was your inspiration. What else is she capable of?"

"You can think of her as an extension of my omni-tool. For example, if I'm working to get through a computer's local network, Chatika can hack the door next to me. She can shut down enemy engineers or tech users by overloading their neural pathways. More importantly, she recognizes everyone on our team as friendlies. She can administer medi-gel in a pinch without me needing to ask. Or she can act as a mobile shield pylon, restoring and boosting shields in the heat of battle. I'd say she's pretty versatile."

Chatika gave me a preview, using this moment to boost my kinetic barriers, violets glowing around me.

What a difference! I could have survived just about anything with this temporary enhancement.

Tali praised her, "Good girl, Chatika."

Curious as well, Wrex wished to know, "You bringing her to the club with us?"

"No, I don't think I should. She can stay on the ship for things like that."

"So she's like your mechanical pet, huh?"

"Yes, and she's my friend," supplied Tali. "I see her as both. It's nice to have her company. Chatika is quiet; she can't actually speak. Her presence keeps me calm. She reminds me of Rannoch, you know?"

Observing this automaton walking along, her footsteps clanging as steeled jewels, I wondered:

"Tali, do you believe she has a soul?"

Tali glanced down at her pet in pensiveness. She did not have to think about my question for very long.

"Yes, Liara," she whispered. "Yes, she does."

We all decided to buy some interesting outfits for our outing at Deep Azure tonight. Or rather, Tali suggested it, and the guys went along with her idea—again, for their wonderful attempts at reconciliation. So we spent most of our time browsing the clothing stores, looking for something appropriate to wear. Appropriate for the consensual impropriety we expected to run into later on.

Browsing a dark, alternative clothing store, we soon found a nice combination for Kaidan to wear.

He tried on a set of suspenders hooked to his leather trousers. A shirtless look to show off his muscles.

Tali giggled over the novelty. "Okay, you're wearing this for sure. It's too cute on you, Kaidan."

Kaidan tried to be a good sport, even as his face burned red in embarrassment.

"It's really, uh…freeing!"

"I bet," teased Wrex. "You still look like a boy scout even with fetish clothes on. How's that possible?"

Garrus agreed, "That's never gonna change, Wrex. Think we all know that."

"Well thanks, guys," soured Kaidan. "I'm gonna wear it tonight. This is supposed to be our chance to try something new, right? We could've gone to Deep Azure back when Shepard recruited Samara. Except we chickened out back then. Not this time! I promised myself we wouldn't."

Then Joker returned to our group carrying only an unremarkable black shirt in his hands.

"Think I'll just wear this," he muttered, making a point to not look in Kaidan's direction. "And I'll keep my cap off, I guess. Doubt it'd work for me tonight. Way too unsexy."

"Good choice, Joker," encouraged Tali. "Garrus, what about you?"

"Err… I should be fine. I've got plenty of black outfits to choose from back on the ship."

"Same here," said Wrex. "Not too many krogan stores around here, anyway."

After paying for Kaidan and Joker's new clothes, we left the store together.

Tali wanted to look for a new outfit for me. But we didn't know how this would work: having the guys follow us around while we went shopping for dresses and lingerie. Speaking in this code of ours, we expressed our silent agreement to wait. Wandering around the mall some more, we hoped something else would catch our friends' attention, giving Tali and me enough room to sneak off elsewhere.

As we passed by numerous stands filled with Valentine's Day items, Wrex teased me this time:

"Got any plans with Shepard for Valentine's Day, Liara? It's coming up in the next couple weeks."

So many gifts for sale. Red, white, and pink-colored explosions of celebrations: balloons of all sizes, adorable toys, assorted candies, and an endless amount of flowers everywhere. Noticing the Valentine's Day-themed sales going on in various stores, I remembered Shepard's words from before. About the galaxy's many corporations winning at holidays with this increased spending. Even still, I knew she cared about Valentine's Day. She cared for me. I wanted to experience the day with her…as her girlfriend.

"I don't know," I replied, my face reddening this time. "Am I missing something? This is a human holiday. I am admittedly ignorant about these things. Maybe I should have researched. Should I make plans?"

"Probably not," supplied Joker. "Pretty sure Shepard's got it taken care of. Don't you two have that kinda relationship? Where the commander's like…like…"

Kaidan asked, "Like the guy? Those traditional gender roles? Aren't those kind of antiquated?"

"Well, yeah, but you know how Shepard's old-fashioned or whatever."

Tali sounded skeptical, "Are you putting her in a box?"

"No! I just mean—I've never seen the commander as that typical woman, you know? I know I sound super out-of-touch right now. How feminine someone is doesn't automatically mean they wear the pants in the relationship… Ugh, I'm totally putting my foot in my mouth, aren't I?"

"You are."

Garrus prompted him, "Joker, be honest. Do you see the commander as a man instead of a woman?"

"I don't see her as either one. She's like, in this in-between space. Don't get me wrong, though. I'd kill to see her play up her feminine side for once. Not to be a perv. I just get the feeling Shepard's way more…flexible than she lets on?"

I offered, "You mean she is a chameleon."

"Yeah! Shepard's secretly a chameleon. That's what I meant to say. Good looking out, Liara."

Socializing at one of these stands, we found EDI and Legion together. They seemed to contemplate buying some of these balloons, candies, or flowers. They stopped once they noticed us approaching.

"EDI, Legion?" asked Kaidan. "You two shopping for Valentine's Day?"

"Hello, Kaidan," said EDI. "Legion and I were considering the possibility."

Joker wondered, "Seriously? We all know about EDI's love life. Legion, you have a crush on someone?"

Head flaps jutting, lights reddening, Legion claimed it had, "No data available."

"Oh, c'mon! You gotta give us more than that. You do like someone, don't you? Who is it?!"

Spotting Legion in clear distress, Kaidan attempted to make a rescue.

He picked out a cute teddy bear from one of the stands. "Joker, what do you think? You want one?"

Suddenly flustered, Joker caught himself. He deadpanned, "That's funny, Kaidan. Tell another one."

"Aww, I'm serious. Hey, when's the last time you got presents for Valentine's Day?"

"Never. I've only ever had sex with women. Not the whole relationship thing. It's not for me."

Wrex wisely pointed out, "If that's true, why do you complain about being forever-single?"

No response from Joker.

Then I spotted a familiar face emerging from the nearest sweets shop. Jack had a bag full of recent purchases from the store. With everyone else distracted by their conversations, I went over to her.

"'Sup, Blue!" greeted Jack. "Didn't think I'd run into you. You and your crew hanging out at the mall?"

"Hello, Jack. We were just buying a few new outfits for Deep Azure tonight. I saw you leaving the candy store. Were you…grocery shopping?"

"Yeah, I got some stuff to bake with. It's my new hobby!"

I could not imagine Jack baking as a hobby.

But now that she mentioned this, I suddenly had a sweet tooth. A specific taste for chocolate. Smelling the many sugars and sweets from this nearby candy store wasn't helping at all…

Jack didn't notice, asking me in excitement, "You're going to the club with us? Can't imagine you on a kinky night out. Then again, you're Shepard's girlfriend. You're probably into some freaky shit. It's like you're living this double-life. You're all sweet and innocent one minute; a sex fiend the next minute."

"I won't confirm or deny that."

"Oh damn, and you're a tease? Yeah, I get why the commander's into you. You're a real cutie, Liara."

I had no idea what that meant coming from Jack of all people.

Jack went on, "Think we picked the best time to get here. It's trap night at Deep Azure!" Trap…night? "It's a style of music, Blue. A rap, hip-hop beat that plays over whatever else. Like a sampled track or something. It's sick as fuck. They're gonna be playing trap music all night long." Oh, that. The tangible texture, the deep bass. That clicky-type of sound I had heard across Shepard's library of music. Perhaps too excited now, Jack danced up against me a bit. "I wanna be on one tonight, having a damn good time. You better be ready to go all-out! Leave that shy girl shit at home. We need to turn it up and turn out!"

I noticed Jack had been in a very good mood over these past few weeks. Did something happen…?

Tali approached us in disapproval. "Jack, you're a terrible influence. I hope you know that."

"Hell yeah I know! Same goes for you, Tali. You gonna do more than just dance with me this time?"

"Who said I'm going to dance with you at all?"

"Uh… Don't tell me you're moody again. I'm just trying to have a good time with you, sexy girl."

"I'm not moody. I'm looking out for my best friend. That means I'm warning you—don't do anything to get Liara in trouble. Don't put her in any kind of danger. Otherwise, you'll have to answer to me. If you ignore my warnings, you won't think I'm so sexy. I promise you won't like me anymore, either."

Jack sighed in defeat. "Okay, okay! Fine… I'll go find someone else to have fun with."

"I'm sure you will."

In the middle of all of this, I couldn't help this feeling. This irksome feeling of my intuition spiking up:

I had the distinct feeling of someone following me in this moment.

Watching me.

Observing me.

Studying my every move.

I knew this person wasn't Shepard. Because honestly, if it was her, she wouldn't have given herself away. I wouldn't have known unless I decided to cheat by sensing her location through our bond. No, this had to be someone else. Someone watching me in spite, not love. Someone stalking me on Illium for reasons unknown. What did they want with me? And why did I sense their presence so acutely? This couldn't bode well for the future. But, seeing as I couldn't spot them in this crowd, I resigned myself to waiting. Waiting until they revealed themselves; or waiting until they ideally gave up and left me alone.

After going out to dinner with our group—Jack, Legion, and EDI included—we all returned to the Normandy together. Jack had raced back to the ship before us for some reason, claiming she had more to do to get ready for Deep Azure later. The afternoon had already passed to early-evening, and so the rest of us also decided to get ready for our outing at the club tonight. Shepard had let me know she would be ready in time for us to leave. I hadn't asked her what she planned to wear, or if she had any suggestions for my outfit. Hopefully she would enjoy the new dress I had bought earlier today. I wanted to surprise her more than anything.

But after dinner, I still had a sweet tooth. I wasn't the only one, either. Kaidan and I found ourselves heading to the kitchen together. On the way there, he chatted with me in excitement.

"I'm looking forward to having some fun tonight! Are all the ladies getting ready in your room? Except for Shepard, I mean. Tali, EDI, Jack, Traynor. Maybe Samara…?"

"Yes, we all agreed to gather in my room. They should be on their way soon."

As I said that, my senses picked up on a wonderful aroma in the air.

Warm, sweet, and freshly-baked—I could've sworn I smelled…

"Hey," said Kaidan, sniffing around. "Liara, do you smell brownies? Is it coming from the kitchen? Did we get lucky and hit the jackpot?"

"I think so."

Allowing my sweet tooth to rule me, I went with Kaidan toward that smell.

There on the center countertop, we found a rectangular pan of brownies out in the open. Fluffed in fondness, the chocolate there tempted me. I had no idea who'd made these treats, but they looked absolutely delightful. I wanted to try one for myself.

Kaidan figured, "Someone must've left these out for the whole team! You know, to celebrate for shore leave." He peeled one of the brownies from the pan: moist and spongy in texture, the chocolate melted in his mouth. He mostly hummed his words out with his mouth full: "Wow! This is great! So good! Liara, you gotta try these!"

As soon as I took this bite, I felt myself smiling.

Just what I needed. Although I wished I didn't have a sweet tooth in the first place. A single brownie didn't seem to be enough. I still wanted more, and I felt selfish over it.

Then Joker turned the corner from the elevator. He paused for a moment. Pausing, seeing Kaidan here with me. But he soon decided to come over, sounding normal enough:

"Liara, Kaidan? You're eating brownies?"

Still munching on the treats, Kaidan insisted, "Joker, these are the best! Try one!"

Joker lit up once he tasted a brownie of his own. That smirk shaped clear through his beard. As much as I wanted to, I avoided eating another one for myself. So much sugar and chocolate… I would need to brush my teeth soon. Hopefully I wouldn't have too much energy tonight. Shepard would no doubt notice and comment on it.

Adding to this accidental gathering, Tali and Garrus found us next.

Garrus asked us, "Something else for dinner?"

"More food?" wondered Tali. "Still hungry after the restaurant we went to earlier?"

Joker explained, "Kaidan and Liara found these awesome brownies sitting out for us!"

"Random brownies? They must not be for us. Garrus and me. We probably shouldn't try them."

Kaidan muttered in dismay, "Wait a minute… If the mystery chef didn't make any for Tali and Garrus, then maybe…maybe these weren't for the whole team after all…"

"Oh, crap!" exclaimed Joker, pushing the now-empty pan away. "And we just ate all of them! It's not like there was a ton anyway… I had two, Kaidan had three, and Liara had one. Shit, this probably was for one person. They didn't make enough for everyone on the ship! We'd better get out of here before—"

Then Jack rounded the corner from the hall leading to the women's restroom. Her tattooed skin glistened from her recent shower. Jack had fully dressed herself again in her usual motorcycle vest, baggy pants, and combat boots as before. But once Jack looked up and saw us here, I spotted a new type of rage glowing in the crimson of her eyes. She stormed over in our direction, raising her voice—

"What the hell?! You fuckers ate all my edibles!"

Joker tried to make excuses, "Jack, you left them out in the open! We thought they were for everyone! How were we supposed to know?!"

"No, you idiot! I was letting them cool off while I took a shower! I made enough for like a two-week stash! Now they're all gone?! Goddamnit!"

Suspicious now, Tali asked her, "Why did you call them edibles instead of brownies?"

"Because that's what they are, Tali. Edibles. Well, yeah, they're technically brownies, too. That's not the point. There's drugs in them! I literally made them with black velvet inside! They're not just chocolate."

I didn't understand.

How could someone make such delicious brownies with…black velvet inside? Was this magic?

Kaidan dismissed her. "That's crazy-talk, Jack. Brownie-drugs?! I don't feel any different. None of us do!"

Jack's anger vanished once she looked to me. "Oh, fuck. Don't tell me you ate one, Blue."

I told her, "I did. But as Kaidan said, I don't feel any different. Nothing tasted out of the ordinary."

Completely disregarding what I said, Jack suffered a mini-meltdown—"Oh, shit—oh, shit—oh, FUCK… Damnit, Shepard's gonna kill me!"

Joker had a belated reaction, seemingly realizing the dangers, "Crap, these are edibles? Those kinds of edibles!? You literally made them with black velvet?! The drug from Thessia that's like weed? DUDE!"

"That's what I'm saying! And you fatasses ate them all!"

Kaidan spoke more in defiance, "We're really sorry, Jack. We didn't know. But, aren't you supposed to get high from these things? I don't feel that way at all. Joker doesn't; Liara doesn't. We all feel fine!"

Garrus knew enough about these things. "There's a difference between eating and smoking. If you eat the drug, like in a brownie, it takes longer to kick in. The high lasts longer, too. Should be more intense."

Listening to Garrus' expertise from his time in C-Sec, reality began to sink in for me.

Not to mention Tali's deepening suspicions. She couldn't stop glaring in Jack's direction.

I had never smoked anything in my century of living. I had only ever ingested second-hand smoke from the rare occasions people had smoked black velvet around me. Now I had somehow eaten this drug?!

What were the side-effects? How would this affect me? What if I lost control of myself tonight?

"More intense?!" asked Kaidan, panicking now—sweating, pacing around, breathing harder. "B-But I've never eaten one of these things in my life! Haven't done drugs in years…and for good reason! You're telling me this is gonna be even worse than if we'd smoked the black velvet like normal? Is that it?!"

Jack warned, "Give it about an hour, Kaidan. I promise you're gonna be fucked up. You, Joker, and Liara. All of you. It'll change your life. Might even turn you into a stoner! Trust me—once we're at the club later, you'll be so shitfaced, you won't recognize yourself. Better get ready for a wild ride!"

We quickly decided we could not tell Shepard about this. If she knew, we would get in trouble. I worried the most about disappointing her. I was her executive officer. Her second-in-command. Shepard expected better of me. I could not get caught using drugs like this—even if it was completely accidental.

So we swept this under the rug.

For now.

Getting ready for tonight, Tali, Jack, EDI, Traynor, and Samara congregated in my room. Samara had been hesitant to join us. She had her apprehensions about revisiting Deep Azure—the place where Morinth used to prey on the vulnerable. But we had convinced Samara to accompany us, providing security for the group. Tali and I knew that Shepard would be concerned about our security. This way, we could all enjoy ourselves without worrying about strangers. So Samara agreed to act as our guardian for the evening. She would watch us from the shadows, intervening in case something happened.

Traynor and EDI soon claimed the space near my computer. They sampled Shepard's music collection I had stored there, playing a few tracks as we all got dressed. Meanwhile, Tali joined me in my bathroom. She hadn't yet let go of her suspicions from earlier. Like me, Tali didn't know enough about these things. If she did, then she likely would have gotten angry. For the time being, she resigned herself to a wait and see approach. Tali hadn't forgotten about her warnings to Jack—her strict warnings about harming me. Without knowing enough, she couldn't enforce those warnings, shifting them into real action.

Trying to set all of that aside, I focused on getting ready.

I had already slipped into the new dress I bought for tonight. This leather felt a bit—tight—in certain areas… But I knew Shepard would enjoy it. I hoped she would like this light makeup: I applied it now, staring at myself in the mirror as I did. Tali stood next to me with her arms folded. Still worried.

Yet she at least complimented me, "You look nice, Liara. Very sexy. This is a wonderful change of pace."

"Thank you, Tali." I brought up a distant topic to avoid discussing the obvious: "You haven't mentioned the Flotilla in a while. Is there any news from Admiral Raan?"

Tali's mood dimmed to darkness. "It isn't looking good. Raan always sounds worried whenever she emails me. Things never get any better. I'm expecting the worst to happen. Maybe not tomorrow. At some point, I'm sure we'll have to return to the Migrant Fleet. And not to say hello to the admirals."

I could not imagine what Tali meant by the worst happening.

Judging by her silence, she didn't want to elaborate. Perhaps for the best on a night like this.

Then Jack bravely decided to pay us a visit. Bravely indeed, because Tali refused to back down.

"Hey!" said Jack, still in a good mood for some reason. "You two look hot."

"Thank you, Jack," I replied.

"Not feeling it yet, Blue? Everything's all nice and normal so far?"

"I still feel perfectly fine."

Tal asked, "Jack, didn't you say black velvet is only a lightweight drug? That's what you told me before."

"Yeah, lightweight for someone like me who's done everything under the sun! I put a pretty high dosage in those brownies. So think about it. I have a high tolerance, right? I made the edibles with a high dosage for me. How do you think it'll affect a real lightweight like Liara? It's gonna hit her like a truck for real."

I didn't want to believe that.

After about half an hour since eating those treats, nothing had changed with me.

Nothing had changed at all.

Even though it hadn't been an hour yet…I believed I would be fine. Just fine. Perfectly fine.

Once our group had all gotten dressed, we assembled in the CIC together. Talking, laughing—we waited for Shepard to come down from her private cabin. This unusual sense of excitement buzzed through us. Mostly because of Shepard, her mystery. We had no idea what to expect. Jack, Wrex, and Joker wanted to make the most of this night—but they had no idea if Shepard would shut down their efforts. They asked me for advice, but I could not predict her mood. Would she allow everyone to go all-out tonight?

By the time she exited the elevator, Shepard made an entrance without meaning to at all.

Perfection shaped over Shepard's long, long legs as leather. A dull shine from the CIC's lights ran the length of her fashion—all the way down to her boots. Her tall boots: platforms and long, thin stiletto heels. The type I hadn't witnessed Shepard wear in-person. Not since I knew her. Not since I used to spend my days perusing her old fashion magazines: her photoshoots, her runways, her editorials. Illusory: her boots seemed to be part of her leather pants. As if they ran the length of her legs without interruption. That seamlessness only changed from the white of her shirt. Long and plain. So effortless compared to the buckled-up, controlled sexuality of her leathers. Paired with her long hair running down her back, Shepard had pulled off yet another shocking display of her fluidity. And again, I knew she hadn't meant to at all. She simply chose to put these pieces of clothing on, not thinking much of them.

An unintentional transformation back to her modeling days.

Unintentional, certainly, because Shepard couldn't believe our shock. The way we all stared. Every last one of us—perhaps save for Samara. Not noticing just yet, Shepard strode over to me. She bent down—more than she normally needed to—and settled her lips over this side of my face. This burning of my face, and this heat, all from seeing her like this. Then Shepard took note of our team around us. How they couldn't take their eyes off of her. Shepard narrowed her own eyes, raising her brow in suspicion.

"What's with you people?"

Somewhere behind me, I heard Traynor groaning under her breath, "Good lord, she is so sexy…"

Kaidan tried to play it off, "Nothing, Commander! You kinda—err, well, you surprised us?"

Shepard looked down at herself. "What, because of my clothes? You already know this is how I dress."

Tali had a clear lilt to her voice: "Shepard, he means this is more on the feminine side for you."

Scoffing in irritation, Shepard couldn't hide this attitude from her expression.

Her attitude that had also changed, shifted, transformed. Not her usual grumpiness. Indignant or stuck-up or—bitchy as anyone else would've called her. Yet I found her completely captivating like this.

"Whatever. Let's get going."

Shepard then held my hand, guiding our team as we left the Normandy together.

Jack couldn't help laughing. "Commander, aren't you like seven feet tall in those heels?! Damn!"

"Not quite," said Shepard, needing to bend down once more as we exited the airlock.

This time, as we returned to Nos Astra's trading floor, the mood had certainly changed. After nightfall, after close of business for these kiosks—everyone around here made their way to the Eternity bar nearby, not minding the ongoing reconstruction efforts to the venue. Or they headed for the rapid transit consoles in search of a taxi to take them elsewhere across Illium. Regardless of which group these people fell into, they made way for us. They gave our group this express permission to have our space.

All because of Shepard, of course. Her confidence paired with her height made others think twice about crossing her path. They instead walked around her, leading them to walk around the rest of our group. And I kept staring up at her without meaning to. Staring, observing; canting my head up to her starlight in this night. I noticed everything I could about her. How she chose not to wear a binder to flatten her chest to a more androgynous appearance—instead, she wore a regular bra underneath her shirt, and her regular tank top beneath that. I had no idea if she had brought a strap-on with her; or if she had it on beneath her leather pants, and farther still beneath her long shirt that billowed down to her thighs.

Shepard would glance down at me on occasion. She would raise her brow again and smile. Smiling over my curiosities; over my strangeness. Then she would return her attention back to the crowded path.

Soon enough we found a rapid transit vehicle. One that would take us to the Eclipse territory where Deep Azure awaited. We all filed into the skycar—Kaidan, Garrus, Joker, Wrex, Jack, EDI, Traynor, and Samara. Always a gentleman, Shepard held Tali's hand as she helped her inside. Then she did the same for me. This darkened space and tinted windows acted as our limousine for the ride. Shepard and Tali sat on either side of me, here all the way in the back, while the others sat adjacent to us. We had nowhere to look except out the pitch black windows…or at each other.

Draping her arm around my shoulders, crossing her leg over the other, Shepard reclined in her seat a bit.

She had this power about her. The same power that had drawn me to her years ago. This authority exuded from her, effortlessly so, all as Nos Astra's cityscape blazed past us. Those illuminated impressions impressed themselves in Shepard's eyes, sparkling as controlled fireworks in her stare.

As she avoided everyone else staring at her, Shepard failed to notice the signs showing:

Joker and Kaidan had started giggling already. They kept elbowing each other. Ribbing and ribbing. One lighter tap, and then a stronger jab in return—back and forth, back and forth. The scattered rhythm of their movements seemed enough to entertain them, causing Kaidan and Joker to laugh more over time.

I hoped I wouldn't end up the same way…

Leaning closer to Shepard, I whispered to her, "Will you relax a little tonight?"

"Relax?" she repeated, intrigued now. "In what way?"

"You are understandably uptight from all this attention. I am asking you to set that aside. Lean into the attention. Give them a reason to keep staring. I want to see that side of you. Will you indulge me?"

Shepard laughed in lightness. "All right, babe. If that's what you want."

After leaving the rapid transit taxi, we walked the rest of the way to Deep Azure. Only a block away.

During this short walk, we passed by several armed Eclipse mercs patrolling the streets.

Those humans and asari in their yellow and white armor seemed to glow in the night. Especially compared to everyone else around us in their leather, their fetish gear. Much more so than my night out with Shepard at that party on Thessia. Emboldened by this safe space, the people around us put themselves on display. Just from their loud conversations and laughter, drawing attention from everyone else—or their light exhibitionism, using collars and leashes to walk their partners as pets, or simply making out against the side of a building. Overall, nothing too intense… Not yet, anyway.

Samara had already disappeared into the shadows. She promised to keep an eye on us from afar.

Traynor couldn't help squeaking over these sights, making Wrex laugh over her innocence.

Tali kept a close watch over me. Neither of us knew what to expect whenever my dessert kicked in.

Garrus stared at the people around us. Their displays. Not in shyness. More entranced than anything.

Meanwhile, Jack decided to walk on Shepard's other side. Grinning, keeping up with her stride, Jack appeared to want to say something. Shepard glanced at her, waiting for the inevitable conversation.

"What is it, Jack?"

"You know it's trap night at Deep Azure?"

"Yeah, I know," said Shepard. "What about it?"

"Don't you like trap music? Liara said you did. Your girlfriend knows all about you, huh?"

"Mmm, there's a difference. I don't like regular trap music. International trap is where it's at for me."

"No shit? Like from different countries back on Earth? What kind?"

Shepard listed: "West Asian, Middle Eastern, Egyptian, Indian, Japanese, and Slavic trap. Those are my favorites. Their traditional instruments work well with hip-hop. I like those underground-type sounds."

"Those are real?! I guess people can make rap and hip-hop out of almost anything."

"That's why I like it. It's a nice blend of unusual extremes. Definitely not something you'd expect."

"Yeah, I get what you mean. You're such a hipster, Shepard. You got that eclectic taste."

Shepard humored her, "Maybe."

"Hey, if you like that mix of different sounds, isn't it because you're mixed? Everything's better when it's two extremes put together. Just like you, right?"

Airy in her mystery, Shepard claimed, "I don't know. Depends on what you mean by that."

Jack actually flirted with her, "Oh, c'mon, you know what I mean. You're looking mighty fine tonight, Commander! You brought your alter ego out to play, didn't you?"

Shepard rolled her eyes in amusement. "You're always doing the most. Don't push your luck, Jack."

"All right, all right! I just had to say it 'cause no one else would. Even though we're all thinking it!"

Then, all of a sudden, Kaidan and Joker began losing their minds. Excitement boiling over, they started screaming and cheering. Cheering like young, reckless spectators at a sports game. They both faced each other, jumping into the air and colliding their fronts together. They somehow remembered not to roughhouse too much with Joker's condition. Instead, they kept yelling and cheering for no apparent reason. Sweat dripping down their faces, highs peaked, they couldn't control themselves anymore.

Shepard widened her eyes at them in shock.

"Joker and Kaidan are turnt the fuck up… What the hell did they take before we left the Normandy?"

She knew.

And I couldn't stop this…this euphoria creeping through me.

An oddly persistent high. One that I kept trying to clamp down on. Internally, I made myself resist this. I shoved these beginnings down as best as I could. Shoving and pushing and clamoring—like scattering to drown several items underwater, only to have everything naturally rise back to the surface again. I felt this now even as my intuition grabbed me again. This same feeling of someone watching me. Following me. Specifically me and no one else. But maybe this time…maybe now, I could blame this on paranoia.

We made the most of Tali and Shepard's Spectre permissions, skipping the long line to enter the club.

By the time we entered the building, I lost track of so many details around me.

What did this building look like again? I only saw the darkness, the shadows everywhere. The constant smirks and smiles from the people around us. I couldn't remember much from having witnessed Deep Azure before through Shepard's eyes. Back before she had found me in Insomnia. All I saw now were these shadows, and the exhibitionism and music and dancing and drinking interspersed over it all.

I stayed as close to Shepard as I could. Not quite hanging off of her, but also refusing to let her go. Shepard held me around my waist, quietly enjoying the tightness of my leather dress. The sheer size of her hands seemed that much larger tonight. How her handprint fit across the length of my back.

Like gliding over the winds: I allowed Shepard to bring me over to a set of couches.

Our entire group sat down together. Sounds of alcohol bottles and short glasses and tall glasses over the glass of the center coffee table. More laughter. More banter. More sounds blending into one. So many extremes joining together, fusing as these noises I had never heard before in my life. A slight dizziness and a slighter light-headedness—I felt myself heating and heating from the neck-up. But I could at least sit here as normal. I could lean against Shepard, reclining against her relaxed stance, watching her enjoy herself for once. She had let go. She had done as I asked. I wanted her so badly…

Then Joker shouted out—

"Let's play truth or dare! None of that weak shit, either. EVERYTHING IS ON THE TABLE! Got it?!"

Jack cheered, "Fuck yeah! Hey, get that empty beer bottle! Spin it to see who goes first!"

Much to my surprise, Shepard did not have us get up and leave.

She decided to stay and play this game. She even lounged over me, letting the longest length of her legs hang off the side of the armrest on her side. Shepard even arched her back over my lap, graceful as ever. Seeing this, Tali giggled a bit, bringing Shepard's head over her own lap. Our commander lounged over the both of us like an absolute goddess.

Wrex wanted to know, "And what if someone chickens out? What do they have to do?"

EDI set several shot glasses on the table, each one filled tequila. "I propose the person must take a shot. Unless they are unable to, like myself. I believe one mere exemption is still fair to the group."

Kaidan laughed a little too hard. "Oh, God, you're HILARIOUS! Did anyone ever tell you that?!"

"Okay, great!" said Joker as he bounced in his seat. "Just for that, EDI, you're going first! Truth or dare!"

EDI paused for a moment. Then she decided, "I would like to select truth."

"Perfect! Spill your mechanical guts, EDI! What do you think of Shepard?! You're attracted to her, aren't you?"

Everyone looked to Shepard, who had started smiling at EDI now.

From this lounging position she lay in, she looked especially mischievous. All as a pure coincidence.

Not a drop of alcohol in her, and she'd somehow found her enjoyment with this.

EDI could barely return Shepard's eye contact. Next to her, Traynor seemed equally dismayed. But, given the rules of the game, we all deserved an answer. The most obvious answer to the least subtle question:

"I think…the commander is very attractive. Tonight, she is exceptionally beautiful. Shepard has chosen to give off a different energy than her usual, indifferent gender expression. I find it—highly distracting."

Shepard laughed a little. Not to show surprise. More of a smooth acceptance and understanding.

EDI still could not look at her.

Joker cackled. "I knew it! I KNEW IT!" Then he sighed in delight. "But for real, so did everyone else. That one was kinda easy. Spin the bottle, EDI! Whoever it lands on, you get to ask them truth or dare."

Following instructions, EDI spun the empty beer bottle atop the center table.

The spinning seemed to go on and on.

Like a constant sphere of flickering lights. The reflection of the glass against the room's dull lighting.

Then the raying and lasers eventually did stop—pointing in Tali's direction.

Absolutely mortified, Tali sunk into her seat as quicksand, still keeping Shepard's head over her lap.

"Oh, Keelah…"

Optimistic mood restored now, EDI returned to her usual smile. "Tali, it is your turn. Truth or dare?"

Suddenly uncomfortable with these prospects, Garrus turned his attention elsewhere. He focused on the group of people in the near-distance. Those couples having sex together, barely veiled behind the screens there. The mere suggestion of their behavior kept Garrus fixated on them. An accidental voyeur.

Tali stared at the shot glasses on the table. She contemplated 'chickening out' ahead of time.

But then she went with the easier option. Supposedly.

"Truth," decided Tali.

Joker complained, "Ugh, really? EDI just told the truth. Now you're picking that one again?"

EDI's question ignited our entire group: "Tali, over our summer break following the suicide mission, is it true you and Liara pursued a sexual relationship?"

Oh, goddess…

Kaidan nearly spat out his beer. "WHAT?!"

Joker rushed to his feet. "Are you frickin' serious?! Tali and Liara!? No way! NO WAY!"

Wrex burst out laughing. Traynor laughed as well, but out of shock and confusion. Jack went deathly quiet. Garrus pretended not to have heard anything, still watching those exhibitionists across from us.

Buying some time, Tali began stroking Shepard's hair—perhaps as a nervous habit.

Shepard knew to say nothing. Staring at the ceiling, she feigned ignorance, acting as if she'd had no idea.

Backed into a corner now, Tali sighed and said, "Yes, we did…"

The sheer cacophony of everyone's reactions nearly broke my hearing.

Shepard still stayed silent. No doubt she recalled all the ways we'd turned her on that summer. That was all Tali and I cared about at the time. Clearly, our efforts had paid off. No one else needed to know.

"Whatever!" declared Tali, spinning the bottle now. "It's someone else's turn now. Let's see who it is."

This spinning again.

This reeling again.

I felt myself spinning and reeling, somewhere. Somewhere off in the middle of nowhere.

What a wonderful, wonderful feeling…

Feeling Tali's shoulder against mine—she kept me grounded. The squared hardness of her shoulder guard. The relative softness of her shoulder underneath, plushed and pressed between us. And Shepard's light weight over our laps. The way she kept looking between us. What was on her mind?

I couldn't ask, because the bottle had landed on Traynor this time.

Now it was her turn to sink into the couch cushion beneath her.

"Oh, God… Oh, no… Tali, please go easy on me."

Tali did her best not to laugh. "We'll see about that, Sam. Truth or dare?"

"Truth! Please, truth! Something easy! Something I don't even have to think about!"

Joker mentioned, "You know what? I can't even complain about all these truths! EDI dropped a bomb on us. Tali's gotta have something up her sleeve, too."

"Hmm…" This mischief in Tali's tone: "Something you don't have to think about? Okay, then. We all know you're a lesbian. But I just have to ask. Have you ever wanted a man to have sex with you?"

When Traynor didn't immediately tell her no, the reactions exploded again.

Shepard did her best to stay quiet once more. I had a feeling it wouldn't matter in the end.

Traynor raged, "Tali, you little minx…!" She felt the need to explain herself: "You already know the answer to that! Damnit, it was that guy at the party! The Christmas party! The sex party on Thessia! Need I remind you: I wasn't the only one who wanted him! You were right there beside me, questioning your sexuality, too! Or do I have to tell everyone you almost let him take you home?!"

"You can tell them all you want," said Tali over the noise. The noise of our group's hysteria. "I thought it was funny, that's all. Don't you remember how handsome he was? How sweet and smooth and thoughtful he was. That pretty boy was such a gentleman, wasn't he? Do you still think about him?"

"Ugh, I do! I still do! I wish he hadn't had that stupid mask on so we could've seen his face…"

Even with this upside-down view of Shepard's face over Tali's lap, that was enough.

Horrified, Traynor stared at our gorgeous chameleon, finally putting two and two together.

Her delayed realization:

"Wait a minute… B-But that can't be right… Commander, was…was that you? Were you at that party with Liara? Did you dress up as a drag king that night, telling Tali and me how beautiful we were…?"

Technically, Shepard was not obligated to answer Traynor's questions. It wasn't her turn for the game.

Even if she did respond with words, Shepard knew no one would've heard her. Not with everyone laughing wildly the way they did. Everyone except for Garrus, who only smiled, more than entertained. So with all of this attention on her, anticipation brimming, Shepard did the only thing she could.

Smiling with that boyish charm of hers, she winked at Traynor instead.

The louder, louder explosion of reactions shattered my hearing this time. But I couldn't even care! Tali leaned on me, the two of us laughing together. Because it only took Traynor over a month to find out. Traynor collapsed deeper into the couch. Suddenly faint, she had no words. Stifling her amusement, EDI fanned Traynor's face, somehow procuring a bottle of water for her. Everyone else screamed, shouted, laughed. Kaidan downed an entire shot of tequila—cringing in pain, the whites of his teeth showing, yet still falling over himself with laughter. Joker almost broke a rib from this whole thing. Everything, everything, everything—so much higher and far more intense for me than it normally should have been.

Then everything slowed back down.

All the way down…

Chopped and screwed, as if their voices and laughter had been modulated by music equipment, changing the pitch of the sound. The production of my senses felt off. Completely off. My mind moved so quickly. But I perceived everything so much slower than it should've been. Even just moving to the side, as I did now, made me feel as if I was about to tip over.

Shepard focused on me. Somewhere through this haze of mine, I felt her acute attention, her concern. She looked at that bottle of water in Traynor's hands. Then she looked to me again. She snuck me away from the group—though Tali did look to us, nodding at Shepard in approval.

We made our way to the bar. Slowly. Very slowly. Another bottle of water for me this time. I suddenly felt my mouth filled with cotton. My tongue had dried out. Shepard helped me sip from this water, helping with the problem. Then I felt her escorting me away from all of this. We left for a private room somewhere down these shadowed halls. I needed a moment to sit down. Then I would be fine again. Or so I assumed.

In the privacy of this dark room, Shepard and I had this silence together. Relative silence, anyway. Much of the bass from the music throbbed through the walls, through the locked door. I felt it thrumming beneath me as I sat on this bed. Shepard had given me this moment to myself while she checked around the room. She used her omni-tool to search for any hidden cameras or other devices. Nothing came up.

This simple act of her sitting down with me:

It all somehow felt as if Shepard had returned home.

She wrapped me in her arms, filling me with a second and third and fourth wave of euphoria. I swayed a bit in her hold, giggling. Giggling and giddy to be with her like this.

Shepard smiled over my forehead, asking me, "What's so funny?"

"I was thinking back to earlier," I explained. "With EDI and Traynor. They are obsessed with you."

"I don't think much of it."

"Hmm, why not?"

"It's like you said. They're obsessed. Infatuated. They're not in love with me like you are."

Curiosity meandered through me as another, steadily increasing high.

"How do you know that, Shepard?"

She made it clear: "I've seen the signs. They both have this idealized version of me in their heads. They want Commander Shepard. They don't know enough about me to want me as I am. The way you do."

"Yes, that is true," I agreed. "It is all too easy for anyone to grow infatuated with you. I was at some point as well. In the early days. Things have certainly evolved since then. I'm attached to you now."

The way those last words left my lips—

The way I looked at her, how I couldn't look away from her—

Shepard moved me a bit to get a better look. She held me by my shoulders. Glancing me over, her face heated in this rush of surprise. Because of this look in my eyes. How my irises had glazed over, glassy as this absolute reflection of her. This drug messing with my mind felt too much like Shepard's normal effect on me. My oldest obsessions melding with my newest attachments to her—how I craved Shepard and couldn't get enough of her, while also desiring her for her, down to the fundamental levels of her being, her DNA. I knew exactly who she was. The paragon of her humanity; the renegade of her demons.

Both as one, balanced into the blend of her strengths and achievements and failings and contradictions.

And I still loved her. I was so madly in love with her, far past the boundaries of my own being.

Maybe that was why Shepard tempered her worries. Because she knew, to an extent, this was still me.

She brought her lips to mine in this same knowing. Soft, broiling, intimate. Gently she lay me down over the bed. I couldn't remember her giving me this feeling before. Shepard had ever kissed me and handled me with her natural power. Never overwhelming. Always the right amount. Enough to inspire me and send my imagination wild in eroticism. But this time, she simply met me as she was. The purest essence of her as a woman. Pleasure only she could give me, making the most of her as a chameleon tonight.

Shepard paused to look me over again.

Laying over me, her hair flowed down in my favorite ways, blocking me from seeing anything but her.

I had this outsized focus of her eyes on me. How she studied me again, gaze darting across my face.

"Liara," she breathed. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," I told her. "I have been meaning to speak with you. Maybe now…is a good time."

"All right. Is this about what you mentioned a few weeks ago? A 24/7 dynamic."

"That's it. I'd like us to take our relationship to the next level."

Even as I said that, it was only half-true.

I wanted everything with her. I had told this to Shepard before. I couldn't help it.

I felt self-conscious about her not going at this same pace. Not being on this same level as me.

I'd hoped to nudge her in the right direction with this dynamic.

Caressing my face with her hand, Shepard requested, "Tell me what you're thinking. I want to know."

"Well, I should emphasize… In my mind, it is not about you 'controlling' me. It's more of a way for us to feel safe with one another. Perhaps that is a contradiction for you."

"A little bit," she admitted. "I'm trying to understand your point of view. Where's this coming from?"

"My upbringing," I replied. "They say we learn what love is in our childhood. From our parents, our families instilling those patterns and examples in us—both good and bad. Benezia was always so…hands-on and watchful with me. She rarely left me alone unless I was in my room. And even then, she would often check up on me. Somewhere along the way, I learned that this is what love is. A constant, attentive gaze in warmth and care. I enjoy my solitude as you know. I would not have chosen my career otherwise. Some of it was to get away from her. At the same time, those lessons stayed with me."

When Shepard hummed in understanding, without judgment, she made me smile so much.

She made me feel comfortable explaining a bit more:

"There was more to it than that. How my mother didn't want anyone to ruin my purity. We are past that now, but…with you, it is more about your protectiveness. You don't treat me as a damsel in distress, yet you also appreciate how sensitive I am. I want more of that from you. I want it all the time, every day."

Putting it all together, Shepard asked me, "Is this why it upsets you so much whenever I get distant?"

Remembering the past—those old, painful memories dully glimmered in my eyes as I nodded to her.

Heart melting for me, she suggested, "Then let's start there. Let's keep it slow at first with this watchful eye. We can always add more later. How does that sound?"

"That sounds wonderful. Thank you, Shepard."

Starting slowly, exactly as she said, she observed me one more time.

Even as this high started to expose me. I couldn't hide my face's redness anymore. Lidded eyes and the drifting euphoria I felt. She kissed me anyway; kissed down my body in just the way I needed. I wrapped my arms around the slopes of Shepard's shoulders, and then gripped her here for support. Through my palms and my fingers, I felt her every move on me—the origin, the shape of her physicality. The way she loved me filled me with adrenaline. Too much adrenaline. Too many sentiments collided in my heart. Not only from Shepard's willingness to explore this dynamic with me, but from so much more. Oddly acute, I sensed this feeling running through Shepard's body. A change in her attachments. They had matured over these weeks. Considerably so—in ways they'd never developed with anyone else before.

I took the chance of asking her, "Shepard, do you want anyone else?"

A passionate and compassionate love—only for me.

And then she said the words, confirming everything—"I only want you, Liara. No one else."

This explosion of emotion in me detonated that much harder. Especially once Shepard lifted up the skirt of my dress. She smiled over this lace of my new lingerie for her. Smiling such a wet smile, soaked from me wanting her this badly. Soaking more from the words she'd just given. And more and more as she used her teeth to gently set the lace aside. Intensity, needing, unending, and a constant bliss. Her mouth over me, I couldn't get enough of. Her hands on my thighs and her constant attention on me, pleasing and pleasing. Spiking too much higher—the shape of her tongue, she shaped exactly as I wanted. She knew me so much, so well, and I couldn't stop these detonations in my mind and my heart both.

I had embedded myself in Shepard's psyche—in all the ways I once dreamed about.

Absolutely magical—just like the way she made me feel now. Hidden in this dark room, eternally safe with one another. But this excitement caught me off. My heart started beating out of control. Beating and pumping and thundering as all I could perceive; even as these far-off fantasies of conceiving filled me, filling me from Shepard's focused attentions on me. Scatterbrained and sexualized. And Shepard, so attractive. The center of everyone's desire, yet she only desired me. She finally, only wanted me.

A beautiful blending of extremes whenever that time arrived for us. Wanting everything and anything, especially this. Someday I wanted her to take me with this specific intention again—intentional, intending. Impending someday… Not like the past. Not like with me. Not the pureblood I was with two asari parents. Drive-by memories of those bullies at school calling me pureblood. Not with us. I couldn't stop imagining it—all as Shepard sent me higher than I should have gone. Higher and so quickly; I usually lasted longer than this, but I couldn't.

This high had sent me too high.

Higher than Nos Astra's night sky. Much farther up past Illium's entire stratosphere.

My heart wouldn't stop pounding and rattling against my chest—

I couldn't breathe—

I couldn't feel Shepard's love on me anymore—

Panic and fear and darkness and anxiety spiraling out of control;

Breathless, I scattered for our safe word—"Shepard, turn it off!"

Immediately she stopped.

Immediately she moved back up to hold me.

Somewhere in this darkness, I heard her calming words. How she comforted me, so sweet and gentle. Keeping my eyes closed, I still saw the lights of her sunrays splaying over my sightlessness. So many colors and sensations and movements, all spinning and winding and roaming on their own…

Then I heard her curious tones: "Babe, you're on one, aren't you?"

On one…

On a what?

On—on drugs?

On a trip, on a high?

She knew, again. "You are so busted."

I couldn't hide this from her after all…

"How long ago did you eat the food?"

Drifting off somewhere, I managed to ask, "How did you know…it was food?"

"It had to be an edible. Tali and Garrus are sober. That means whatever you ate wasn't for them."

Absolutely miserable, I hated and adored Shepard's sharp mind. Nothing ever got past her.

"How long ago did this happen?"

I tried to remember. "About…two hours ago."

"And you only ate one?"

"Yes… It was an accident. I promise you. If I had known what they were, I wouldn't have touched them."

"Hmm. Well, either way, that's too bad. You have a long way to go. You're gonna have to ride it out."

"Oh, no…"

This sudden descent.

A complete nosedive.

My euphoria had already begun to decline, descending into these dangerous depths.

"Shepard," I mumbled, trying to leave the bed now. "I…I need to use the restroom. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she forgave. Somewhere through this dark, she helped me to my feet. "Come on. Let's go."

Wandering through the dark, stumbling down this hallway—

Shepard held me up. She supported me. She walked me through the beginnings of this descent.

A descent into partial madness. Down a rabbit hole in my mind—but in real life, all Shepard did was walk me to the women's restroom. Fractured realities, split perceptions. I didn't know which was which. I felt myself moving slowly. I felt Shepard controlling and supporting my body's motor functions. I had lost most of my own control. I had lost control of what I saw down these halls, too.

Somewhere along the way, we spotted Traynor and EDI together. They'd hidden themselves from the rest of the thoroughfare passing from the restrooms to the rest of the club. They whispered to each other. Whispering, whispering. They didn't notice us walking by.

Traynor's grievances whispered over to us, "EDI, I don't want us just settling for each other, you know? I'm still madly in love with her. And I know you are, too. How in the hell would this possibly work?"

EDI had no words to give.

She kissed her instead. Lips softened for Traynor's pleasure—EDI copied Shepard's manner of taking control. That weakened, breathless satisfaction. Shocked at the gesture, Traynor quickly gave into her. They escaped into a room together.

Even Shepard seemed shocked—"Oh. Wasn't expecting that…"

I would have laughed—if this darkness hadn't warped me, still throwing me off again and again.

And then, door-to-door, moment-to-moment, this horror terrorized me.

Through these open doors, I saw constant hallucinations.

Hallucinations of Shepard with someone else. Fucking someone else in every room. Miranda, Miranda, Miranda. Always Miranda-Solheim-Miranda in all of her painfully beautiful glory. Even though those open doors opened the way to other people, to their exhibitionism, I saw these warped images instead. What should have been some strangers making out together, I saw as Shepard doing that to Miranda, making her moan in satisfaction. What should have been some stranger penetrating a woman in there, I saw as Shepard doing that to Miranda. What should have been some stranger venerating his dominatrix, I saw as Shepard kneeling on the floor at Miranda's feet, kissing and worshipping her fuck me boots.

As these walls began closing in on me again, deeper and deeper, these visions bent to my demise.

Someone approached me.

Was it her…? Was it really her? Her wearing the black of a corset and those boots. Those damned boots.

Did she plan on berating me? How I could never pull off this same look. How I could never be the same for Shepard as she had been: a picture perfect dominatrix, skillful enough to use my biotics as a whip. I could never give Shepard that angle to work with. Dominating the dominatrix. Turning those expectations on their head. How Shepard had lost her mind over the idea, lust burning out of control.

But then the person actually came into view.

The sharper colors of Samara's blue skin came into focus.

The black of her skintight outfit lined with gold—I had confused it with Miranda's look.

Worried for me, Samara asked, "Liara, are you well?"

Shepard answered for me, "She's going through it. After I get her to the restroom, I'll bring her back to the bar. She needs to drink some more water."

"Yes, I agree. I managed to shepherd Kaidan and Joker there as well. It will likely be some time before their symptoms begin to wear off."

"Probably… Do you know who did this? Was it Jack?"

"I believe so. She began baking as a new hobby some days ago. I assume the victims were fooled by the allure of delicious brownies. Only to discover that the treats were not, in fact, what they expected."

"Damnit. All right. Thanks for the information, Samara."

"Of course, Commander. I must report back to Tali about Liara's condition. She won't be pleased. I will continue patrolling the building afterward to keep an eye on our teammates."

More darkness found us in this restroom. A sudden chill from the tiles of the décor around us. All-black and reflective. Several heavily-tattooed women in leather and chains and fishnets and dark makeup stood near the stalls, or at the sinks. I spotted Jack among them. She leaned against the wall, chatting up a human woman. That woman smirked with ease as Jack flirted with her. Spotting me right back, Jack gave me a similar smirk. She knew what I went through now… Then she noticed Shepard with me.

I blinked, once, and then Jack disappeared with that other woman.

Only the loud clattering of the restroom's door sounded in their wake.

More noise sounded as I stumbled into a free stall. I couldn't close the door. I couldn't lock it behind me. My hands, fumbling; my breaths, shortening and thinning and ceasing to exist. I felt myself about to collapse to my knees. I could have died like this. I felt myself screaming out Shepard's name, but my voice refused to work at all. Nothing sounded from my throat. Nothing. Yet Shepard knew, once again.

"I know, baby. I know. You'll get through this. I've got you."

She helped me, sitting me down and moving everything out of my way. But I seemed to black out temporarily. I couldn't open my eyes. The next thing I knew, Shepard had escorted me to the sinks. She tried to wash her hands. Except I kept clinging to her. Not so disruptive that other people turned to stare. But I couldn't let her go. So intensified from the drugs. Shepard supported me as I needed anyway. She brought me back out to the hall, getting me back to the bar…eventually. For water. For more water. More sustenance for this cotton-like feeling persisting in my mouth, refusing to leave.

Shepard refused to leave, too.

If she felt any frustration with me, she didn't show it. Not at all.

I had already let go, giving into her care like this. In some hypothetical future, I imagined myself in a different, but similar situation. Similarly indisposed, but not for the same reasons… I had no doubt in my mind that Shepard would take care of me again. She would step up and protect me. Shepard would do anything I needed without complaint. She would have fed me, sustained me, and carried me wherever—across mountains and deserts both. I saw everything in this scattered sense. How it moved me so.

Even without me asking, Shepard picked me up now. I didn't know why. Maybe I couldn't walk anymore. I didn't know; I didn't know. She carried me the rest of the way to the bar.

Along the way, I heard Tali's voice, her rage—

"Get away from me, you bosh'tet!"

Voice cracking in desperation, Jack tried to diffuse the situation, "Hey, Tali, come on! I told you, it was a freaking accident! I didn't do anything to Liara on purpose! What the fuck?!"

Tali didn't care. "Didn't I warn you not to hurt her?! Can't you imagine how sensitive I am to losing my best friend again!? Then this happens! You're a reckless idiot! I can't stand you anymore!"

"You…you can't stand me anymore?"

"I said what I said, Jack. Run to your drugs and get over it. The same thing that started this in the first place."

"Seriously?! I fucking love you and you don't give a shit! You're completely heartless, you know that?! A real pain in the ass! Of course I need drugs and sex to deal with this! What else am I supposed to do!?"

"No—I don't want to hear your excuses. I'm sick of them and I'm sick of you. Don't ever speak to me again. Have fun fantasizing about me while you screw some stranger tonight. You're pathetic."

Stunned and hurt, Jack had nothing to say in response.

Tali stormed off to the exit in a huff. Wrex noticed and followed her, not wanting her to leave by herself.

Too focused on me, Shepard didn't notice this time. But she would certainly hear about it soon enough.

Shepard sat me down at the bar, just next to Kaidan. He and Joker had their foreheads plastered over the surface of the table. Not quite sleeping, they weren't all there, also dealing with these horrible aftereffects from our dessert… In her everlasting kindness, Shepard helped me drink this water. I couldn't quite get the straw working on my own. I felt the gentle brushing of a napkin along my face. Light patting to dry my skin from my failed attempts at this one simple task. I managed to get it eventually…

Looking around, Shepard asked, "Where's Tali?"

Joker groaned out, "Oh, she left with Wrex… Happened right before you got here."

Kaidan somehow knew as well, "Think she was yelling at Jack. God, they were so loud…"

They knew exactly why Tali had gotten so angry, but they feared telling Shepard the truth.

Shepard hummed in a bitter acceptance. She didn't need to ask anything more.

Desperate to change the subject, Joker seemed to have a revelation. He shared his revolutionary findings with us, slurring with most of his beard stuck to the bar table: "You know what?! I just remembered! With everything that happened tonight…? How baked out of our minds we are? How seriously far-gone we are? We're totally screwed! There's gotta be a surprise mission coming up!"

"A surprise…mission?" asked Kaidan. "You mean something else is gonna come up? How do you know?"

"Look at the patterns, dude! Every time we get shitfaced—and I mean REALLY shitfaced—that's when shit hits the fan! First it happened with Virmire, when the Council called in the middle of the night and told us to get our asses over there. You weren't there, but it was rough, trust me! Then it happened with Project Overlord, with that VI virus infecting the whole damn extranet! Now this! It's happening again!"

"Wow, I never thought of it that way… You sure have a good eye for these things, Joker."

Joker sounded so sure of himself. "Well, whatever it is, I'm ready for it! No surprise mission is catching me off-guard again! That damned Yoshi won't get away with it this time! I'll get sober…really, really soon! In like a minute, I swear!"

Kaidan sounded lost now. "Yoshi? You mean that cute little dinosaur plush Liara got for Christmas?"

"Yeah, that thing! That toy is secretly a huge villain! The toy's toying with us, Kaidan! Look at everything it's put us through! All the people we lost; the crap we've dealt with?! It's literally the Illuminati!"

"The Illuminati, huh? Maybe you're on to something here…"

How ridiculous. I couldn't believe them.

Why were Joker and Kaidan spouting nonsense about my precious toy?

Their conspiracy theory distracted me from reality all over again. Hearing those echoes in my mind, I failed to realize what went on. Shepard had asked me something. I didn't remember answering her. Because I didn't answer, she concluded that I definitely needed rest. And I did… So she brought me back to the Normandy, dragging Joker and Kaidan along with us.

I lost track of time, of distance…of everything except for Shepard's enduring care.

I felt awful about my silence now. Not telling her. I'd had no idea this would all get so bad. So out of hand. If she hadn't found out, anything could've happened to me. Anyone could have come up to me. Taken advantage of me. And Shepard wouldn't have known a thing. I should've learned my lesson years ago about keeping things from her. Apparently, I still hadn't learned enough.

Even so, Shepard brought me safely back to my room on the crew deck.

She helped me wash my face, removing the light makeup I still had on.

She helped me out of my dress and into the usual shirt I always wore to bed.

She tucked me in with this unending patience of hers.

Shepard sat by my side for a moment. She leaned down to kiss my forehead. Caressing my crests, forgiving me over and over again, she somehow hadn't gotten angry with me yet.

Out of it, I mumbled, "I'm sorry, Shepard… I promise—I'll never…never eat anything ever again."

This smile from her shaped over my forehead. Adoring amusement.

"We'll talk about it in the morning. Sleep this off for now, okay?"

"Okay… Thank you for taking care of me. And for dealing with this mess. This isn't like me at all."

"Don't worry about that, Liara. You want Yoshi or your little wolf to hold while you sleep?"

"Both, please…"

So sweet and thoughtful, Shepard handed me the plush toys from the nightstand. I cuddled them in my arms, warmed by their softness, their certainty. These tactile lullabies—as soon as Shepard kissed me once again, I closed my eyes. I hear her whisper how much she loved me. I fell into a deep sleep, drifting off, off, and away.

Awaking some time later, I opened my eyes to the dark of my room. Only the few blue lights along the walls blurred through to my senses. Rubbing my eyes, I couldn't help this strong feeling that haunted me. I needed to heal these outstanding problems in my relationship. I needed to take the initiative and cut out the root of this problem. My never-ending problem with other people getting in our way. My fears of Shepard abandoning me, still, even after she'd told me all I needed to hear recently. I couldn't get rid of this feeling. Not on my own, and not with time. I needed to do something about this soon.

I needed to, but I also needed to sleep.

I knew I wasn't myself tonight.

I knew I shouldn't have done this.

But I made myself get out of bed anyway. With only these nightlights to guide me, and the omni-tool orange of my holo-closet, I found my way. I got dressed, changing back into the comfort of my black lab coat. I should have sent Tali a message, at least. Or communicated with Shepard, as I knew she was still on the Normandy at this very moment. I couldn't find my common sense anymore. I left the ship without it.

Delusions and delusions.

Convincing myself of this constant threat I needed to deal with.

I convinced myself and convinced myself, returning to Nos Astra's empty night streets. Empty from the prophetic rain that had begun to fall sometime during my nap. As I walked along, the city reflected itself along my footsteps. Those many violets brimming and brimming, nearly effervescent in this stubborn rainfall. They reflected strongest along my back, outlining me as another kinetic barrier for me on their own. Stubborn and solitary. I somehow had a feeling of walking past no one even on this busy night.

Their voices sounded as another requiem, warning me to turn back. To turn back now—or else.

Such a beautiful night chilling my lungs; my very sinuses in this cold.

Maybe I should've worn my raincoat…

Yet another lapse in judgment. I should have kept count. I should have turned back. I should have realized all was not well, and talked myself out of this crusade. These remnants from my earlier trip held this dominance over me. My obsessions had sprung obsessions of their own, forcing me to obsess and obsess and obsess and obsess over absolutely nothing.

I kept walking.

I continued further on to this taxi taking me where I needed to go.

I allowed this vehicle to take me to the heart of my obsessions. The one person I couldn't get away from.

I couldn't help remembering our time together in Insomnia. How I had served at her side, forever a heartbeat away from her power. She and I had somehow worked well together. We'd understood each other. We'd existed as these reflections of one another—with certain details fogged here and there. A crack in the mirror on one side; outright discolorations in the glass on another. She had always existed as an ideal for me to strive for. Her competence, her ruthlessness. The special combination that only existed in her: so attractive, and so alluring, I completely understood when Shepard had fallen for her.

So many similarities between us. So many differences.

Least of all our penchant for the occasional lie, however damaging. Lying to Shepard by omission about being wasted at Dark Azure; lying to Shepard on purpose about loyalties to Cerberus. Lying to Shepard by omission about her childish girlfriend who was destined to ruin everything; lying to Shepard on purpose about Cerberus. Ever had I feared the consequences from telling her my awful, ugly truths. Only to create even worse consequences from lying to her, not trusting her, not communicating with her.

Shepard only found these lies tolerable from one of us.

She accepted me. She didn't condone my flaws…but she accepted them. She'd chosen me in devotion.

So why did I do this?

Why had I approached the lobby of Solheim's apartment building?

Why did I stare up at this penthouse-like tower, flinching from these raindrops falling on to my eyes?

I didn't even have the necessary permissions to get in…

As I thought that, a group of asari approached the front doors. Talking, laughing, they looked to have returned home from a night out together. Too busy telling war stories about their excursions that night, they didn't notice me follow after them. Or perhaps they had noticed me escaping into the dry warmth of the lobby, and they didn't mind. Maybe they assumed I was another tenet who lived in this building.

Knowing to remain cautious, I didn't follow them aboard the elevator.

I waited for the next one to arrive.

Pressing the up button, I blinked that much harder in impatience. Blinking this rain from my eyes; waiting for this warmth to dry me off. The rain from my clothes slipped off the slick material of my lab coat. Drying over this carpet, leaving a faint puddle behind me—alone I boarded the next elevator.

Up to the 60th floor.

Up to this old boundary, broken at a lagged speed of light.

Treading down this hallway, everything seemed normal enough. Standard peace and quiet for an apartment complex of this quality. Not many doors opening or closing. Most of the residents still must have been out on the town. I followed my recollection of Shepard's time here before. When I finally did hear voices, they stood out to me.

Peeking around this corner, I knew to stop here for a moment. I stopped to listen:

I heard Miranda speaking to someone else. A man whose voice I recognized. I remembered him from the vids Shepard had watched last year—with this man as Miranda's client. Jacob Taylor, working with Cerberus as Solheim's subordinate now. I overheard what must have been an argument from them.

The pair stood in the doorway of Miranda's apartment. They hissed at one another, trying to be discreet.

"Not now, Jacob," snapped Solheim. "I'm doing this on my own. You don't need to be involved!"

"I have to insist otherwise, Boss," said Jacob, quite professional even in his frustrations. "Your safety is my priority. I had no issues with you going to Tuchanka on your own. I knew the commander would have your back. There's too many unknowns with this operation. What if this all goes sideways? What then?"

"Jacob, I appreciate your concern. But now I'm suspicious. You're right—you didn't make a fuss the last time I went off on my own. I already told you I'm handling the unknowns. What's changed this time?"

"This time, it's that partner of yours I have objections about. Call me paranoid, but I have a bad feeling about this. We can't trust that asari Spectre for shit. I get she's one of your best contacts. She's given us some damn good intel for Cerberus over the years. She's not the same these days. Something's off."

"Yes, I know that. I don't care! I'll get what I need from her and terminate our partnership afterward. This is too important for me to play it safe. Everything's at stake! I have to do this. Do you understand?"

"Ma'am, I…"

"Jacob," scolded Miranda. "Don't coddle me. Do not follow me, either. If I happen to need you for backup, then I'll call you myself. Until then, you're to remain on standby at your station. Am I clear?"

Military-sharp, Jacob saluted her. "Loud and clear, Boss. I apologize for my objections. I didn't mean to undermine you."

"It's quite all right. It helps to know you share my concerns. I'll be more careful with Vasir than I'd originally planned for. I should get back to my preparations. Thank you for your hard work. Good night."

"Much appreciated. Have a good night."

Jacob then made his way in my direction. Headed for the elevator, head fogged with concerns; he didn't notice me as he passed by. Or rather, he didn't think to look twice at me. Like the group from before, he also assumed I was one of Miranda's many neighbors. Successful social stealth or mere coincidences.

Taking this chance, I walked the rest of the way to Solheim's apartment.

I had no idea what to expect. I didn't even know why I was here. What was the reason for my visit? Surely Miranda would ask me. And I would surely have no response for her. It sounded as though she was busy with something. Preoccupied with something very important indeed. Would she allow me to disturb her with my non-reasons for visiting? Especially at this dreadful hour of the night? I had no idea.

Was I supposed to say—"I am partially drugged out of my mind, and highly delusional, and I am here to verbally take out my frustrations on you"? Absolutely not. She would've called security on me.

Even with my wobbly logic, I knocked on her door anyway.

Miranda answered the door. Still dressed in her uniform, she certainly looked as if I'd disturbed her. She was in the middle of something. Glaring at me, looking me up and down, she wound up her ire with me.

"Liara," she welcomed in fakeness. "To what do I owe the pleasure? You do realize what time it is, don't you?"

"I'm aware," I said. "I apologize for the rude hour. I was in the neighborhood and decided to stop by."

"Spare me the white lies. I have my agents posted all around Nos Astra. They warned me about you ahead of time. You snuck through the lobby downstairs. Then you overheard my argument with Jacob when he took too long to leave. I should've warned him. You've compromised us. What do you want?"

So she knew all of that, did she?

Then did her Cerberus agents stalk me earlier, or was that someone else entirely?

"I'd like to speak with you, Solheim."

Rolling her eyes, Miranda turned on her heel, heading back through her apartment. I took her silence—and the continuity of her open door—to let myself inside. The door slid shut and locked behind me.

I entered through this entryway to the grander space of Miranda's home. The sheer size and luxury of this place, so cold and calculating and professional. The rich, dulcet tones of classical music played through the sound system, adding some life to the area. The immensity of the tall ceiling, and the light colors of these walls reflected the ion storm of the rain and lightning outside. There outside the full pictures of those windows wrapping along the left side of the apartment. Next to those windows sat the living area with the vid screen, the couches, and the general lack of entertainment. Likely unused since Shepard's time here last year. The reminders existed along the walls—those walls flanked by the living area and Miranda's office space. Those many framed photographs of Shepard—or Sol, really, from her time as a fashion model.

Miranda's oldest obsessions. She refused to let these go.

More colors of orange glowed from her office. The many monitors there upon her desk. Stacks of books and reports lined the wall—orderly and well-maintained, habitually so. I could imagine Solheim pacing there and ordering and re-ordering her items as a way to destress. I glanced at the academic diploma she had on her wall as well. A master's degree from the University of California in the city of Irvine. I wondered why she'd never pursued a doctorate. She certainly had the aptitude to earn one herself.

The winding staircase between the office and the kitchen led to Miranda's bedroom.

Completely open. No walls, no doors for separation, sequestering. An aquamarine getaway from the aquarium posted behind her spacious bed. Immaculately clean up there as well. As if she didn't even sleep.

I couldn't help this feeling all of a sudden.

The distinct feeling that this place should have belonged to me instead.

Perhaps the apartment had belonged to me in another life, another timeline. Far, far away.

I'd had this feeling before. Whenever I would visit Miranda as the boss back in Insomnia. Those feelings had mangled with my envy, my jealousy at the time. It all felt so much different tonight. So pointed.

At the well-lit kitchen, I found Miranda standing in place, waiting for me. Moored at the island of sparkling countertops, she watched me approach. Sipping from a cup of tea, she had a kettle nearby on the surface. As she sipped, those bursts of light from the storm brightened the dark of her expression. Dark in questioning, dark in curiosity. Yet still so sophisticated. As sophisticated as the string instruments weaving through this song playing in our background. The elegance of the violins; I saw the same in Solheim's manners, however guarded. She did not trust me, yet she'd still allowed me into her home.

"Well?" she asked, expectant. "What do you think, Liara? Do you like the place?"

"Yes, I do. It's very—sanitary."

"Force of habit. I clean whenever I get stressed out. As you can imagine, my stress levels have been astronomical lately. In large part thanks to you."

Even as she said that, she procured another empty teacup, making an offer:

"Would you like some tea? It must've been freezing outside. I don't want you catching a cold."

"That's kind of you."

Taking my awkwardness as permission enough, Solheim poured me a cup. Straight from the kettle, steaming in warmth, the herbal-scented tea filled that volume. As she handed me the teacup, I muttered my thanks to her. Then Miranda watched me carefully as I drank—or sipped this tea. I quickly balked at the taste. Such a potent tart mixed in with this herbal flavoring! Was this yet another trick?

Miranda gave me a sour smile. "Drink it. The mix is harmless. It'll help you sober up."

Sober up…

"You knew about that, too?"

"Of course I did. I have my contacts with the Eclipse mercs in town. They notified me the second you and your team arrived to the club. They also sent me a comical report about your state of mind. Very funny."

If she also drank this sobering tea, what did she need it for?

Drinking some more, I glanced to one of the counters behind Miranda, off in a corner. She had an empty bottle of bourbon there. Had Solheim chosen the comfort at the bottom of that bottle, drinking and needing it so? All because Shepard was in town and did not stop by to see her?

I pointed out, "You don't sound amused at all."

"I'm not."

"Then why are you doing this? Why did you let me inside? Why didn't you send me away instead?"

Averting her eyes in furtiveness, Solheim admitted, "I suppose I still respect you, Liara. Despite our many differences these days, I haven't forgotten how I used to feel. How much I looked up to you in the past. How much I wanted to be you, to learn your patience and compassion. You represent some sort of vanity for me. We're both absurdly intelligent. We've always been ostracized by our peers because of how advanced we are. We've been damaged by society. You're even a biotic like I am. In many ways, you're the perfect version of myself—even though my father already created me to be perfect as I am."

"Miranda, I am not perfect by any means."

"It's not about being perfect. It's your combination of personality traits—your intelligence, your curiosity, your kindness, your specific weaknesses. You are…acceptable. You're not as insolent as I am."

Shepard's acceptance.

Solheim's insolence as her gravest sin.

I asked her, "Do you resent me? Is that it?"

"I resent…this situation. Not you. I miss having you as my friend. I miss the days when I was in your place. But it was never meant to be. Now the woman I've loved for my entire adult life is with you."

"Whether it was meant to be or not is irrelevant. You wasted your opportunity. It's as simple as that."

"Just as you wasted it before me?" she challenged. "Good to know. I'll take my turn and wait. The next time you fuck up, I'll find Shepard myself and seduce her. We both know she has a weakness for women like me. A sensitive ice queen. Something you're lacking in. It won't take much for me to get her back."

Setting this teacup on the counter, I emphasized, "You don't mean that."

Solheim sneered at me, "I mean every word of it. So you'd better watch your step."

"That is ridiculous! Why can't you let this go?"

"Because this isn't just about me anymore. This is about Cerberus. This is about humanity taking our rightful place in the galaxy. I've always admired your people, Liara. We still have much to learn from asari ingenuity. But you've been at the top of the chain for long enough. Earth will take Thessia's spot before long. Thanks to Shepard—and thanks to me. I'm doing all I can to get us where we need to go."

"What a shame," I pitied. "You sound like him. The Illusive Man. I thought you were better than this."

"My old boss had his sensibilities," argued Solheim. "And I have mine. We're not the same."

"Really? You sound identical to me. You've wrapped your ego in Cerberus' mission, just like he did."

"Yes, he did. He also wasn't above sullying humanity's reputation for the sake of progress. I won't make his same idiotic mistakes. My unwavering belief in the commander keeps me honest. If you must know."

I questioned her, "How honest can you truly be, operating Cerberus in the shadows?"

"As honest as Shepard is as the principled renegade. Nothing is true; everything is permitted."

Puncturing her point, Miranda collected her empty teacup, my empty one. She opened her dishwasher and placed them inside on the rack there. Then she left the kitchen, the sounds of her heels reverberating up to the ceiling. I didn't know why I bothered following her. I didn't know why I kept after her footsteps, on her way to the office area. Miranda looked to be in a hurry now. She wanted, needed to leave. She didn't want me here wasting any more of her time. Yet I lingered anyway, loitering now.

Standing at her desk, typing, she regarded me—belittlement in her stare, thinking me an inconvenience.

"How strange," she commented. "You're oddly stubborn about this. Are you painting me as the villain?"

"I don't know what you are anymore. All I know is I'm sick of this animosity between us."

"As am I. But the facts are clear. You won't let this go. I won't let this go. We're digging our heels in, aren't we?"

"I suppose we are," I conceded—in bitterness only.

"Well, since you've drawn this line in the sand, this is what we are to one another now. We aren't friends. But you don't want to be my enemy. I'd only make your life miserable. Neither of us wants that."

How quaint. "Is that a threat, Solheim?"

"It's not a threat," she claimed. "It's a fact. One I suggest you take to heart. You already lost to your previous archnemesis. You're zero for one so far. If you choose to stand against me, all you'll have to look forward to is a losing streak. We both know how terrible that would be for your pride. Don't risk it."

Standing on this precipice:

This in-between of Miranda as a repeat of my past mistakes—or as a relatively neutral thorn in my side.

Challenging me again, staring me down, she gave me this choice. Or rather, the optical illusion of choice.

When I couldn't respond, Miranda took this as a victory.

Haughty in her arrogance, Solheim mocked me with such exacting precision—

"That's what I thought, Liara. You're all bark and no bite, aren't you? Typical. You're no threat to me."

Face burning in shame, I knew I couldn't push this. As much as I wanted to—even craved to do it, if only to prove myself—I knew… I wasn't supposed to. I wasn't supposed to. But I didn't want her bullying me.

Thankfully, she knew where to draw the line.

She lowered this temperature between us, offering an unexpected olive branch:

"Take your time," said Miranda, making to leave the apartment. "Warm yourself up. Drink some more tea if you'd like. I need to go for a walk. I need to clear my head. I can't let this mess with you get in the way of my plans." Her plans—as she'd discussed with Jacob. As she knew I'd overheard. "A favor for a favor. Don't tell anyone what you heard. Not a word. Not even to Shepard. In return, you can stay here for a bit. Look around all you want. I have nothing to hide from you. Do we understand each other?"

"Yes," I ground out. "We have an understanding."

With the press of her omni-tool, Solheim cut off her classical music playing in the background.

Silence with the rainstorm.

Taking her umbrella from the entryway, she warned me, stronger: "Don't be here when I get back."

Then I heard her exit through the door.

She left me alone here.

Alone, but not defeated.

I considered helping myself to another cup of tea. But I already felt those sobering effects kicking in. I almost felt like myself once more. I didn't need to subject myself to that horrible taste again. Instead, I made my way to the living room. I spent this extra time staring out the windows. Outside to Illium's many other skyscrapers competing with this apartment complex for sky-space. The many skycars still outside at this hour blazed past, blurred from the raindrops crying over these windows. I almost felt myself getting emotional in the same ways. Frustration, helplessness. I felt like I couldn't do anything anymore.

Aside from Shepard, Solheim had everything else I wanted in life.

Respect from others. A considerable amount of power she'd earned on her own. Confidence. Clarity.

Although, I wasn't supposed to want power. It always seemed selfish to me. Corrupt and corruptible. I never wanted to lose myself to those throes. Yet Solheim didn't seem corrupt to me at all. All of that power from Cerberus hadn't gone to her head. She seemed…exactly as I remembered her from before. Just with a side of perpetual contempt for me now.

I couldn't deny this begrudging respect I still had for her, too. Even though I couldn't stand her anymore.

A ringing sound played from Solheim's office. Some kind of notification from her computer.

I wandered over to that sound in surprise. She hadn't logged out from her terminal. Had she meant it when she said I could look around? That she had nothing to hide from me? I found that hard to believe.

Too curious for my own good, I decided to answer the call.

Willingly poking my nose where it didn't belong—

This was none of my business, but…

But maybe the Alliance had it all wrong about Cerberus. Maybe we did have a reason to fear them.

If Solheim was up to something, then Shepard needed to know. I could find some valuable intel for us.

So I answered the vid call, finding a stranger on the other side. A salarian in a green and white suit. Most likely an executive from somewhere. Was this one of Solheim's many contacts here on Illium?

"Dr. T'Soni?" asked the salarian, looking surprised. "Is that you?"

"Yes, it is," I confirmed.

"Oh, I see! It's great to meet you, Dr. T'Soni. My name is Sekat. You were on Solheim's team before, weren't you? If you're at her apartment, does that mean the two of you are working together again?"

"We are," I lied. "Solheim stepped away for a while. I am answering your call for her."

"Great!" he accepted with such ease. How naïve. "Well, I have an update for her. Can't say too much over a call. You know how these things are."

Maybe not so naïve after all. "What have you got for us, Sekat?"

"It was tricky, but Solheim paid for the best. I can narrow it down to a cluster—maybe even a system."

Narrow it down?

Narrow what down?

Sekat would not give me any concrete details. I knew better than to ask him like this.

Instead I asked, "How soon can you have it?"

"Shouldn't take long. Come to my office. Baria Frontiers, in the Dracon Trade Center. Gotta say, though, Dr. T'Soni—you're making me a little nervous. Solheim's been pretty hush-hush about her reasons for this intel. Looks like you're following her lead. How big is the trouble that could come out of this?"

Trouble?

As if I needed any more reason to doubt her intentions.

"Relax, Sekat. I'll see you soon."

Ending the call, I took a moment.

Heart pounding, palms sweating, I didn't know what to do.

I paced around for a bit. Uncertain, unclear. Had I stumbled on a goldmine for the Alliance? Or had I walked straight on to a landmine instead, getting involved where I didn't need to be? Because I couldn't back out of this now. If I didn't show up to Sekat's office at the Dracon Trade Center, he would suspect me. He would tell Solheim what happened—and she would no doubt retaliate against me. I had no choice now but to jump into this all the way. I had to follow this lead on Cerberus—wherever it took me.

Sudden sound and a sudden shattering—

A precise tearing through the glass of the apartment's window—

A paused piercing against me, locking up my whole body in fear. The pain of this remembrance. They all came flooding back to me. This pain of death that I knew too well. The pain threatened to return in this split-second. Only to subside as quickly as it came. Threatened and gone; vanishing from my protections.

A sniper's bullet had pierced the window.

Solheim's installed kinetic barriers over the glass had stopped their momentum, somewhat.

What did manage to get through, my own kinetic barrier had stopped. My boosted, modified barrier.

Shepard's clever mod she'd gifted me for Christmas. Her loving thoughtfulness had saved my life.

The shock snapped me back to sobriety.

Sobriety, but not a clear mind. Nowhere near clear enough to think properly.

Why didn't I contact Shepard or Tali or EDI or the police? Anyone! Someone had just tried to kill me!

No sense, no rhyme or reason, no meaning—I ran out of Solheim's apartment.

I ran for my life. I ran away, rushing to the rapid transit station. I needed to get to the Dracon Trade Center. I needed to find a way out of this mess! I needed to escape that assassin who wanted me dead. I needed to find these answers about whether or not we could truly trust Cerberus again.