CHAPTER TWO: HIDDEN PAIN
Tahiri Veila stepped into the private 'fresher in her chambers and locked the door behind her. It wasn't that she expected anyone to walk in on her, but it was better to be safe then sorry.
She took a long, hard look at herself in the mirror. She felt a lot older than her fifteen years. She no longer saw herself as the same naïve and adventurous teenager, whose big mouth had so often gotten her into trouble during her childhood. Now, when she looked at herself, she saw someone forced to endure a lifetime of happiness and pain in such a short span of time. She felt hollow on the inside. Empty. A feeling she had been fighting ever since her resurrection from the dead close to four months ago, but it never completely went away. The closest she ever came to escaping it was when she was with Anakin. She could not imagine a life without him. He was her everything – her anchor – but not even that seemed to enough these days.
There had to be something wrong with her for wishing the Yuuzhan Vong had left her dead. How could she not be happy to be back with her friends and family, who mourned when they thought they had lost her? Others would kill to be in her position, to have her life, when all she did was sit around feeling sorry for herself.
Some religious groups in the galaxy would call the place she had visited briefly after death, Heaven. Not being religious herself, she had looked up the meaning of the place in the New Republic databanks. Each culture she had referenced shared basically the same viewpoint of what Heaven was, even though their beliefs on how to get there differed. The most accurate definition she found was it was a state or place of extreme happiness one hoped to reach when they passed into the afterlife.
By all accounts, Tahiri had been there. It wasn't something you could explain in a physical sense. It was more of a feeling – a feeling of being at complete peace with yourself and everything around you. There was no hatred, only love. There was no jealousy, only contentment. You felt whole and somehow knew that no matter what happened to the one's you loved, they would be safe and one day you would meet with them again. There was this certainty about it that was unshakable – until the Vong had ripped her away from it.
The experience had been more painful then the amphistaff that had plunged through her midsection to send her there. They tore her away from her parents, and for a second time had never gotten the chance to say good-bye to them. That was what hurt the most. Her short time spent with them was still fresh in her mind, no matter how hard she tried to forget it; they continued to haunt her by refusing to fade.
The Yuuzhan Vong brought her back to a galaxy full of vengeance and deception. Where people acted as if they possessed no conscience and a war of the galaxy was raging on, continuing to slowly suck the life out of the New Republic.
She had grown up with these factors and situations, but never before had they had such a profound impact on her. That was because before she had never known what it was like to live without pain or fear, to know nothing but complete bliss. She would give anything to have that feeling back.
She wanted desperately to forget about her time in heaven. It was the only way she could be normal again. The only way she could go back to being her old self, without having the knowledge – or rather the burden – of some wonderful place she was no longer a part of hanging over her head.
No one would ever understand because no one could relate to what she was going through. She was a special case. Tahiri certainly did not feel special. That was what had drove her to such a disgusting habit.
She rolled up the sleeve on her left arm, revealing a gauzed wrapped forearm covered in patches of dried blood. She unwrapped the bandage and threw it in the wastebasket beside the sink. Her bare arm was a mass of crisscrossed cuts, each no more then five centimeters in length. Some were in the process of healing, while others looked more recent. She examined the self-inflicted wounds on her skin. It looked infected in spots. Some of the cuts were swollen and red around the edges. She probably should get it looked at before it got any worse, but not even a medical droid was completely clueless. After running through its programming of possible explanations for the injuries, it would not take it's mechanical brain long to figure out that she had inflicted the injuries upon herself and would proceed to tell Master Skywalker what she had done to herself. There was no doubt in her mind that the Jedi Master would put her under constant surveillance and expect her to tell him why she was doing this when it was really nobody's business but her own. She could imagine the rumours being spread about how she was trying to kill herself. People whispering behind her back, avoiding her in the halls, not wanting to be the one to set her off, and the long, pitying stares she would get when walking into a crowded room. If she thought Master Skywalker would keep her under close watch, Anakin would be a million times worse. He would be ashamed of her, but being the noble person he was, probably refuse to let her out of his sight, even though the sight of her would disgust him. She did not want any of those things to happen. She wanted to keep her terrible secret from the rest of the galaxy.
She looked at her arm again. It really did not look all that bad when she examined it more closely. It might hurt more when she made a fresh cut, but she could handle the pain just fine.
Cutting herself was not something she had planned, it had just happened one day. A few weeks before, she had been out in the jungle practicing Jedi battle techniques when she had slipped and cut her arm on a jagged piece of rock. It wasn't that deep, but her instructor had told her to go the med ward to get cleaned up. The uncompassionate med droid had thoroughly cleansed the wound, slapped a bacta patch on it and sent her on her way. That was when her whole obsession with pain had started. At first, it had scared her. She had felt ashamed of what she was doing, but gradually the cutting became normal and the sight of her own blood flowing freely down her arms no longer bothered her. It was the only way for her to release the pain she was feeling inside.
She was careful to make sure no one caught onto her ill-formed habit. She didn't go and run to the 'fresher every hour. She did it when she got up in the morning and sometimes before she went to bed. She left her wrists alone for fear that if her sleeves went up too high people would start noticing the constant bandages there. Wearing long sleeved shirts would go unnoticed when most of the Jedi went around in their heavy robes even in the sweltering heat. She had everything under control.
The more she did it though, the less pain she would feel. Was it because her body had gotten so used to it? She didn't know. But it wasn't just when she cut herself. The other day she had stubbed her toe on the corner of her desk and started cursing like a wild bantha before she realized she felt only the faintest sensation coming from her injured toe. When Tahiri thought about it, strange stuff like that had been happening to her for a while now. Back when she had first injured her arm, the cold manner in which the med droid had scrubbed disinfect over the wound, had not been nearly as painful as past experiences. Could it be that she was getting tougher? She seriously doubted that. But somehow, as impossible as it sounded, she felt she was developing an unusually high tolerance for pain.
She pulled out the utility knife she carried in her back pocket and pulled it open. She held it over the dozens of crisscrossed scars on her arm and looked at herself in the mirror again. Before her ill-fated encounter with the Yuuzhan Vong, if someone had told her she would doing this, she would have called them mental along with a few other choice words. But there was no denying what she was about to do – what she had been doing in secret for weeks now.
The first cut burned briefly and then subsided. Then she made a new slash. She used to hold her breath when making the cuts but had gotten so accustomed to seeing a blade cutting through her flesh she no longer saw the need to do so. She made another cut and then another. She continued like that for another minute. When it was over, she turned on the faucet and let the cold water run over the scarlet colour flowing down her arm. She wiped off the remaining blood and wrapped her arm up in a fresh bandage.
She left the 'fresher, catching sight of the chrono sitting on her night table. It was nearly ten hundred hours. She was going to be late for her class – again.
Master Skywalker had wanted her to participate in some of his more advanced dueling classes, and having classes meant he still didn't think she was ready to be a real Jedi Knight. While the rest of her friends were enjoying knighthood, she was still stuck at the level of trainee, having to attend classes with kids younger than her. It wasn't fair. She had been on more adventures and missions then most of the students ever would. She could take care of herself if the need arose. She was ready for the next level, but until Master Skywalker thought along the same lines as her, she would remain a Jedi-in-training.
Forcing those thoughts out of her mind, she hurriedly snatched her lightsaber off the nightstand and rushed out into the corridor. It was time to start another day.
Jaina looked down at her tray of food and tried to prevent the disgusted feeling that was growing in her stomach from showing up in her expression. Apparently, she didn't do nearly as good a job of it as she thought.
"You do not agree with the chef's choice of cuisine?"
Tenal Ka did not sound anymore enthusiastic about the meal. At least she was able to keep from scrunching up her face in repulsion.
"I don't mean to sound picky," Jaina said, examining the contents of her tray with a fork, "but I like to know what it is I'm eating before I ingest it,"
She assumed the lack of appetizing meals in recent weeks was due to the food shortage in the Outer Rim. With so many worlds under Yuuzhan Vong control, it was difficult for supply ships to make runs out this far without running into a Vong blockade. The Yavin system was still relatively safe, but the New Republic's resources were so thinly spread with sending supplies to the countless refugee worlds, one moon that usually had less than sixty people on it, was not a big a concern as say, one that held sixty thousand.
They weren't starving at the Academy – they got their share of supplies too. They just got whatever happened to be left by the time the supply shuttle got out their way.
Jaina supposed they could be a lot worse off. At least they knew for sure their supplies and food were coming, and even if it didn't, she knew her Uncle had rations stored away in case of such an emergency. Those stranded on refugee worlds didn't know whether their next meal would arrive – or whether they would live that long.
With that thought in mind, Jaina swallowed her queasy feeling and began eating the green stuff on her plate. It looked like it had been some sort of a salad at one point.
"Where is Ganner?"
Jaina coughed and nearly choked on her food - but not because of the awful taste. Her friend sounded almost curious. Tenal Ka, nosy? She never thought she would live to see the day. The thought alone was laughable. The words 'nosy' and 'Tenal Ka' did not belong in the same sentence, let alone in the same paragraph. Jacen must be having an even more profound influence on her then even she realizes, Jaina mused.
Concerned at her friend's digestion problem, Tenal Ka said, "is there something wrong, friend Jaina?"
Yup, she definitely doesn't realize the effect my brother is having on her. Fighting off the urge to break into a grin, she said, "I'm fine. It just went down the wrong way. You wanted to know where Ganner is?"
Tenal Ka looked slightly uncomfortable at being confronted with her own question. "It is just that you and Ganner have become somewhat attached recently, that I assumed he would be joining you for lunch,"
Attached? Ha! Tenal Ka was one to talk. Her and Jacen had been joined at the hip since day one. A sudden realization dawned on Jaina.
"Did Jacen put you up to this? Is it killing him to know what's going on between me and Ganner?"
Tenal Ka looked taken aback by her comment. "I've told Jacen that if he has something he wants to ask you, he can ask you it himself,"
So he had wanted Tenal Ka to confront her on the subject of Ganner and hers relationship, but she had refused. Jaina suddenly felt guilty for thinking her friend would act as a spy for her twin brother. She should have known better.
"I'm sorry," Jaina apologized to her. "It's just – well, you know, Jacen,"
Tenal Ka nodded her head in complete understanding. "He means well, friend Jaina. He just sees it as his duty as your brother to look out for you," she was going to go on but it became evident that the young woman in front of her was no longer listening to her.
She turned her head to see what had caught Jaina's attention. Her eyes landed on a table near the mess hall entrance, currently being occupied by Ganner Rhysode and Anya Connors, a fellow Jedi Knight.
Tenal Ka was not one to pay attention to gossip, but she had heard quite enough about the young woman to know that Anya had earned herself the kind of reputation most people wished to avoid. That had to be the reason why Jaina was glaring at the two of them laughing and talking, while Anya continued moving closer to Ganner until got to the point where she might as well have been sitting on his lap.
"Perhaps Ganner does not know you are here," said Tenal Ka, attempting – but failing to make Jaina feel better.
Jaina shrugged, a feeble attempt to make it look like she didn't care. "It doesn't matter. Ganner can flirt with whoever he wants. It doesn't bother me,"
Tenal Ka raised her eyebrows at her friend. It took her about half a second to see through that lie. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. We're just friends," then in a much more lower voice, she looked down at her food and added, "who happen to kiss and make-out on occasion,"
Tenal Ka's initial reaction was one of shock, but she quickly masked it. She did not know why she was surprised. She had sensed there was something going on between them for a while now. "You should go over there," she suggested.
"Why?" Jaina said, tearing her gaze away from the other table long enough to look at the warrior girl. "It's not like we're committed to each other. We're not even really together,"
Despite her words, the sight of Ganner and Anya together was bothering her a lot more then she cared to admit.
"I'm not really that hungry anymore," she said suddenly – and that wasn't a lie. She pushed her tray away from her and stood up. "I'll see ya later, Tenal Ka,"
Tenal Ka did not try to stop her and Jaina was grateful for that. She wanted to get out of the mess hall as fast as possible. To do that, though, she would have to walk by Ganner.
And of course, he noticed her.
"Hey, Jaina – "
She never let him get out the rest of his sentence. She stormed straight past him, making sure not to look in his direction. She was already half way down the hall when she heard him yell, "Jaina, wait!"
She continued walking as though she had never heard him. She was through waiting for Ganner Rhysode.
"Jaina, would you let me in?"
Ganner knocked on the door to her room again – and again received no answer. He knew she was in there. He had heard the door slam shut two minutes before. He had been trying to coax her into letting him in, but she was refusing to even speak to him. He did not understand why she was so upset. She had just stormed out of the mess hall looking ready to strangle anyone who got in her way.
He was fed up standing there, talking to a door. "Jaina, I'm coming in whether you like it or not,"
Without waiting for a response, he used the force to pick the lock on the door and walked in.
"You can't just walk in here," she exclaimed when he was inside. "I locked my door for a reason,"
"And I opened it for a reason," he retorted. "You walked out on me back there and I'd like to know why," he said, raising his voice to keep it even with hers.
Eyes blazing, she said, "do I look stupid to you, Ganner?"
"Actually, you look quite angry,"
That comment only served to make her madder.
"Why don't you go back to Anya. I'm sure she's disappointed you left so suddenly,"
Understanding dawned on him then and he could not believe he hadn't realized it sooner. "You're jealous," he declared. He was practically gloating when he said it.
"I am not jealous," she said crossly.
"It's written all over your face – not to mention your force signature. Just admit it,"
"So what if I am? What do you care?" She snapped.
He looked at her, confused. "Of course I care. Why wouldn't I?"
She didn't answer him. She would not even look at him.
"Whatever you think you saw," he went on, "it's nothing to get all worked up about. She saw me when I entered the mess hall and cornered me into sitting with her," he tried to explain to her.
"It looked like more then just sitting to me," then, mostly because she was still angry with him, said, "but I guess it would look like that since Anya seems to be a lot more like the style you're used to,"
She had said it to get back at him – and it had worked. But the expression on his face made Jaina wish she could take it back.
She had seen him mad plenty of times – usually when he was fighting her. Not one of those times though, or any of the times when he had fought with Zekk had he ever looked that furious. For a fleeting moment, she thought he was going to hit her, but it passed and nothing happened. He stood there motionless, clenching his jaw, looking like he was fighting to keep himself from saying something he would regret later on.
She had hurt him – pure and simple. It was in his eyes and it slammed into her through the force, along with his anger.
"Ganner, I'm sorry," she said in a low voice.
"Even after all this time, you still think I'm like that," he said, ignoring her apology. "You still don't trust me, do you? Maybe I should go and find Anya,"
She caught his arm to keep him from leaving. "I'm sorry," she repeated. "I do trust you,"
He looked like he didn't believe her, but he made no move to leave. That was something. She had to make him see how sorry she was for hurting him.
"What's really bothering you?" He expected her to remain quiet or deny there was anything wrong, but she did neither.
"It's us," she admitted. "What are we?"
"Well, I think it's safe to say we've moved past the friendship stage in our relationship,"
Jaina blushed. "Is that what you want – to be together?"
"I'd say we're already a couple, but if you want to make it official…" he took her hand and led her towards the door.
"Ganner, what are you doing?"
"Making it official,"
She left her room with him, and she immediately knew where he was taking her – the mess hall.
"You're not planning on doing anything that will embarrass the both of us, are you?" She was only half-joking.
He leaned over and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. "You'll have to wait and see,"
When he pulled back she saw Jacen and Tenal Ka approaching them. She didn't know how much they had seen, but she really didn't care. She figured Tenal Ka was coming to see if she was all right after the way she had fled to her room, but she wondered why she would drag Jacen into it.
Still holding Ganner's hand, Jaina waited to see the look of relief on her friend's face, but the look never came. Tenal Ka's troubled expression mirrored her brother's. Something was wrong. That much she was certain of. She found herself gripping Ganner's hand more tightly now.
"There was an attack by a Yuuzhan Vong fleet at one of the refugee worlds," Jacen said slowly. He looked at his sister with saddened eyes. "Peckum was running supplies to it when it happened,"
Jaina felt herself go cold. "How bad is he hurt?" He wasn't dead, that much she was sure of, but the look on Jacen's face told her the news was not good.
"He's in critical condition back on Courscant. Uncle Luke says the doctors don't think he's got much of a chance,"
Old Peckum had been a friend to her and Jacen since their training days at the Academy. They used to help him unload his ship when he brought them supplies, and when they were home on Courscant, they would often run into him when they went to visit Zekk.
Zekk was bound to take the news hard. Peckum had always been like a father to him.
Jacen seemed to know what she was thinking because he said, "Zekk already knows. He took off for Courscant without telling anyone,"
Jaina did not think about what they needed to do. They had to go to Courscant. Peckum needed them – and so did Zekk.