CHAPTER ELEVEN: EMOTIONS UNLEASHED
The Tsirran ship was odd, to say the least. It was a nearly equal mixture of organic and non-living materials, interacting together in ways New Republic engineers had probably never even dreamed was possible. The Yuuzhan Vong would spit at such an abomination and cry blasphemy, before throwing it into a flaming pit. Tahiri had spent enough time among the Tsirran to know they were not technophobes. Their studying of different cultures in this galaxy, taught them they would be foolish not to implore a certain amount of technology into their everyday lives. They were not nearly as closed minded as their cousins when it came to infidels and their machines. They had learned to integrate the best of two cultures and use them to their advantage.
On a quick glance, it would pass as a Vong frigate, but a closer observation would reveal the living technology mixed with the non-living. But the ship was their best hope for landing on Belkdan without drawing too much attention to themselves.
Even with the Tsirran technology, it would still take nearly a day to reach the Vong colonized planet. If she could hold on for that long…
Cilghal had gone through various Jedi meditation trances and mind-blocking techniques in the hours before their scheduled departure. The Jedi healer had emphasized the importance of keeping her thoughts to herself and cautioned Tahiri to do her best not to project them to the others onboard. The rest of the group had been warned to keep their own mental shields up at all times. Cilghal had not appeared overly confident that the shields of the other Jedi would hold if the time came when Tahiri had another breakdown. Tahiri herself, was skeptical the others would make it to hyperspace before they started jumping down each other's throats.
Cilghal had not been oblivious to the marks on Tahiri's arms when she had examined her. Even the densest person would have a name for the condition her lower arms were in.
Tahiri had begged her not to say anything, and they had settled on a compromise: Cilghal would not tell Master Skywalker or anyone her secret until she got back.
Her arm was bandaged up now, but no one was likely to suspect anything. She could get away with telling them it was due to all the blood they had taken from her to run tests. She disliked lying to her friends, even more so because of what they were willing to risk for her, but her situation was complicated enough without going and making it worse.
"Hey," Anakin greeted her, joining her in the enclosed space known as the storage hold of the ship.
Speaking of complications…
She nodded to show she had heard him and busied herself with storing the last of her belongings.
"You're allowed to talk to me, you know,"
"We're still grounded, remember?"
It was a feeble attempt to get him to go away, even though she knew Anakin would never go for it.
He nearly laughed. "If that were true, do you really think they would have let us go un-chaperoned?"
She didn't have a response for that one. He was probably right. In light of recent circumstances she figured their parents had lifted their punishment early.
"Ha'rnn and Bivv say we're good to go," he told her.
"Mmhmm,"
They were two of the three Tsirran accompanying them. Ha'rnn seemed to know a great deal about the scientists and Anakin had been successful in convincing him to come along. Since the ship would fly much better under Tsirran control, Ha'rnn had enlisted one of his fellow comrades, A'ern to act as co-pilot. The third Tsirran, Bivv, was along to provide additional muscle to an already powerful group.
"I wish you would stop doing that,"
She picked up on the irritation in his voice, and wondered if it was her doing or if he simply felt that way.
"Doing what?"
"Shutting me out and pushing me away like I'm a complete stranger. How can I help you – "
She was barely able to restrain her anger. "I never asked for your help," she practically shouted at him, pointing at Anakin square in the chest. "You just assumed I needed your help like you always do. Since we were kids, you've always treated me like I'm some helpless little girl who needs her knight in shining armor to rescue her at every turn,"
"If you're trying to make me angry so I'll leave, it's not going to work," he said, though his tone suggested otherwise.
She was tempted to open up her mind to him and prove him wrong, but she still had enough common sense left to keep herself from doing just that. That did not mean however, she had to act like his mere presence wasn't annoying the hell out of her.
"You don't get it, do you? You can't be my knight. You can't save me from everything,"
"I can try," he said boldly.
"And you'll fail,"
Anakin took a deep breath. Maybe this wasn't the best time to say it, but he pushed his uncertainty aside and said, "I love you,"
Her response was worse then silence in return. "I don't want you to. You deserve better,"
Anakin was more than caught off guard by that response. "What kind of nonsense is that?"
"You deserve better then someone who would rather be dead than alive," she confessed, unable to look him in the eye when she said it.
He reached out to touch her face. "Tahiri – "
She shoved him away from her, shaking her head, and took off down the nearest deserted junction. She couldn't do this with him right now. It was hardest to keep her thoughts under control when she was near him – and his latest revelation wasn't helping matters. Trust Anakin to pick the most inopportune time to tell her he loved her.
She had wanted more than anything to be able to say it back to him, but a sudden intense wave of fear had prevented her from doing just that. It wasn't him she was scared of – it was herself. She was slowly turning into a monster with no conscience. She had herself convinced it was better she be cruel to Anakin now, so it would hurt less when he finally realized she could not be saved. In her own opinion, she wasn't even completely human anymore. How could anyone love her?
The ship had a peculiar smell to it, but that was not what kept Zekk from moving from one compartment to the next. As impossible as it sounded, he found himself on edge from the moment they had left Courscant's atmosphere. A mild case of paranoia would set in if he spent too long in one spot. It took him awhile to come to the conclusion that maybe he wasn't going crazy; that maybe his whole mindset had something to do with what Tahiri was going through.
He kept his barriers up as he had been instructed to do, but blocking other people's emotions was never something he had been very good at.
Ganner Rysode was approaching him now and Zekk wished he had reached out just a little further with his force senses so he could have avoided Rhysode altogether.
When Zekk tried to get by him, Ganner purposely sidestepped to the left to prevent him from passing. Clenching his jaw, Zekk moved to the right, and Ganner again quickly sidestepped to keep him from getting by.
"You're in my way," Zekk growled at him.
Ganner calmly folded his arms over his chest. "That's too bad,"
Growing annoyed, Zekk said, "I don't have time for this," and went to shove past him, but Rhysode pushed him up against the living wall.
"You better make time," Ganner shot back. "I don't know where Jaina got that mark on her face from – she wouldn't tell me – but I know it has something to do with you,'
Zekk kept his guilt from showing up on his face. But he could not help but be secretly happy that Jaina had not told him about the incident at the bar. "Jaina can take care of herself. She's an adult, but maybe she doesn't seem that way to you since you're nearly twice her age. You know, they have a name for people like you – "
"Just stay away from her, Zekk, and you won't get any more trouble,"
Zekk picked up on the unspoken threat. "I think Jaina can decide for herself who she does and doesn't want in her life,"
"Not when it comes to you. She just keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. Do I look blind to you, Zekk?" His voice continued to rise in volume as he went on. "I know she still has feelings for you and that you're still in love with her,"
Ganner took his silence as confirmation, but before he could say anything further, shouting, coming from the other end of the corridor drew the two of them away from their own confrontation. Much to his disbelief, Zekk recognized the shouting voices as Jacen and Tenal Ka's.
Jacen was not sure how it had started. He had been having a perfectly normal conversation with her and the second he mentioned Belkdan was when the argument had erupted.
"If this conversation is leading towards the issue of my health, I suggest you move onto a new subject,"
"It wasn't," in fact, the thought had not crossed his mind. "Even if it was, I don't understand why we have to argue about it every time it's brought up,"
"Because you're obsessed with my health, that's why,"
"One of us has to be, and it certainly isn't going to be you,"
He had only seen her angry with him a few times, and each of those times their arguing had turned into a full-fledged shouting match.
"If I wanted a constant reminder of my condition I would have stayed on Hapes," she retorted.
"Maybe you should have. It's not like you're really here anyways,"
Once the shock of his words had worn off, he felt his own shock as her hand came up and belted him across the side of his face.
Her normally calm composure was gone now as she said, "how can you say that?"
"Because it's the truth," he said it as if it were the simplest answer in the galaxy.
At that point, their arguing voices had clearly carried throughout the ship because now the quarreling couple had an audience watching them. For the moment, they appeared too preoccupied to care.
"It's not my fault our relationship is falling apart,"
Falling apart? Jacen knew things weren't the way they used to be, but had they really gotten that bad?
They both were calmer now, having spoken their minds. But the damage was done. It was not the actual argument that left them shaken but the words that had been spoken. Both had revealed things that they had been hiding from the other for some time now. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing. Now they both knew they had been feeling the same way. It was just a matter of what would happen next now that what they had been feeling was out in the open.
They both suddenly became aware of everyone around them. Their friends that had witnessed the entire argument unfold.
Tenal Ka couldn't bear to face any of them at that moment. She needed to collect her thoughts before she and Jacen said any more things to each other that they would regret.
Wordlessly, she walked away from him and the others. Jacen started to go after her, he couldn't just leave things like that, but Jaina caught his arm.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," she warned him. "She needs some time to cool off – you both do,"
He stared at his sister accusingly. "You think she's right,"
"I think everyone's emotions are running a bit high – actually a lot high – because of what's happening with Tahiri. We all need to calm down and get a grip before we reach Belkdan,"
As usual, his sister was right. With Tahiri running on emotional overload and her mental barriers breaking down, it was affecting them all. They were supposed to be able to block it out, which meant her condition had to be getting worse. That must have been what had helped provoke his fight with Tenal Ka. But like Jaina had said, they needed to keep their composure and start getting along with each other on the ship or they would meet their end on the Vong infested planet.
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