Dance
Chapter Ten: Resolutions
***
res·o·lu·tion
1 : the act or process of reducing to simpler form: as a : the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones b : the act of answering c : the act of determining 2 : the subsidence of a pathological state (as inflammation)
3 a : something that is resolved[made a resolution to mend my ways] b : firmness of resolve
4 : a formal expression of opinion, will, or intent voted by an official body or assembled group
5 : the point in a literary work at which the chief dramatic complication is worked out
synonym see COURAGE
***
she screams in silence
a sullen riot penetrating
through her mind
waiting for a sign
to smash the silence
with the brick of self-control
-She, Green Day
***
She watched the sun sink slowly behind the dense curtain of trees. Its dying rays of light streaked across the dimming sky. Swirls of gold, light purple, rose, and blue mingled with the mellow orange. The cotton candy clouds were colored purple and pink where the filtered light reflected. Gradually, the sky dulled. The orange muddied to a deep purple. It darkened further as the pale moon rose and the first stars of the night twinkled cheerily like heavenly beacons.
The artificial light from her desk lamp ricocheted off the surface of the window. She caught her faint reflection in the glass, barely recognizable in the bright glare. She was sitting glumly, with her chin resting in the palm of her hand. Her face was burdened with stress. She dreaded night now. She hadn't slept well in over a week and it was beginning to show.
During the day she could pretend that everything was okay. She had chores and classes to keep her occupied. When the sun was shining, it was easier to ignore the quiet whisperings of discontent in her tormented mind. But at night there was nothing. The whispers became screams and the screams kept her from peace of mind.
She was a walking contradiction. She longed to reveal her secret even as she desperately concealed it. Her lips smiled while her eyes cried. She pushed him away even though she wished she could pull him closer. The constant inner conflict was tearing her apart. She didn't understand why everything had to be so complicated. Every day was a struggle. Come night she received no reward, except more torment. Why couldn't anything be simple?
Daisy had become her confidant. Shelby was grateful for that small blessing. In Daisy she had gained an invaluable support system. Not only that, but she could always count on Daisy to give her the cold hard truth no matter what. The truth was that she could no longer hide from her past. It was eating her alive. She slogged through each day, eating, breathing, existing, but never living. She wanted to live again.
For the first time since her innocence was so cruelly stripped from her, she resolved to end the lies. It was time to stop lying to herself. Maybe then she could stop lying to everyone else.
***
Every time he saw her he tried not to flinch. It was hard. He had been given an intimate glimpse into her life and now he didn't know how to deal with it. Luckily, she didn't seem to notice his skittishness. She was too busy ignoring him.
He was ashamed of himself. He was a horrible friend. At the first sign of trouble he had withdrawn, while she had understood his pain. She had heard the most sordid details of his life and could still look at him like he was her whole world. But he couldn't bring himself to return the gesture. He was beginning to think that he didn't deserve her friendship. Maybe she was right to pull away from him.
He spent his days trying to understand her. Still, she was an enigma. It frustrated him to no end, but it was one of the quirks he liked best about her. Just when he thought he had her all figured out, she would throw him a curve ball and knock him on his ass. The deeper he delved the more layers he discovered, and he was no closer to the heart than he was when he had started out.
He started to think that maybe he was going about this the wrong way. Maybe it wasn't important that he learn to understand her reasons. He could never do that, since he had never been put into her situation. Perhaps all she needed was acceptance. At the end of the day, all anyone ever wanted was to be accepted, regardless of his faults. And that much he could offer her. Whatever had happened in her past had made her the person she had grown to be. He was willing to do anything to let her know that he would never let her down, because she meant that much to him.
***
you got a choice
to leave your place
your lonely place behind
be true to yourself
now and let it go
it's better than you think
-This Lonely Place, Goldfinger
***
She resolved to come clean that night. Not only to him, but to everyone. Despite what popular opinion said, Shelby didn't hate the Cliffhangers. She just didn't trust them. She didn't trust anyone but herself. But if she was going to put the past behind her, then she needed support. And if she couldn't trust her own group, then who else could she turn to?
When she approached the lodge, she stopped at the steps. She stared down at her feet and prepared herself for impending doom. An overwhelming sense of dread crept over her like a shadow. This was it. There was no turning back now. Except she couldn't bring herself to take the first step up the wood stairs. Apprehensively, she took a tentative step. It was the hardest step of her life. But the higher she climbed, the easier it became. Finally, she stood at the top. The only thing she had to do now was go inside. She took a deep breath. She quickly crossed the threshold before she could chicken out.
She was the last to arrive. Muttering a soft apology, she sank down on one of the cushy armchairs and hugged a pillow to her chest. Kat, Juliette, and Auggie were squeezed together comfortably on the couch. Auggie's arm was casually draped over the back of the couch, ever so slightly brushing Juliette's shoulders. His finger tips absentmindedly toyed with strands of her dark hair. They were sitting closer together than usual, but it was a subconscious gesture. A small smile of contentment swept over his face while Juliette and Kat exchanged knowing glances and giggled. Daisy, an expression of boredom on her face, sat on another armchair waiting for group to be over. Her fingers rapped an irregular cadence on the cushioned arm of her chair. Ezra was by her feet, his back leaning against the edge of her chair. He was sitting silently as his eyes watched the dancing flames of the fire. Scott was fidgeting where he stood behind the couch. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, mimicking any five-year old's 'I-have-to-go-to-the-potty-NOW' dance.
As Shelby made herself comfortable in her chair, she became aware of his gaze resting on her bent head. An unreadable expression crossed his face, but as she looked up at him, his eyes softened. She smiled at him slightly. Her heart lifted as he crossed behind the couch and came to sit on the arm of her chair, the way he used to before the rift had formed between them. Her eyes were sad as she focused her attention on Peter. What she was about to do was probably going to destroy him.
Peter and Sophie were talking in hushed whispers in front of the fire. Peter's head abruptly snapped up. He looked around and saw everyone expectantly waiting for group to start. He stood up and smiled at them. "Okay, great, everyone's here. Before we start, does anyone have an issue to address?"
He waited for a signal from anyone. His eyes swept over each of their faces briefly. His gaze lingered on Shelby. She opened her mouth. No words came out and she shut it. She tried again. Open, shut. Once more. Open, shut. She gave up.
Peter was not so easily dissuaded. "Shelby? Is there something you'd like to say?"
Her face flushed. She felt like she had when she was thirteen, when her chemistry teacher had called on her to answer a question and she had not known what the answer was. Her palms began to sweat. Her neck felt unnaturally stiff and she was minutely aware of every tilt of her head. She cleared her throat self-consciously. "There's something…" She winced as her voice quavered. She swallowed past the lump in her throat and started again. "There's something I need to say to all of you." Her voice was firm and resolute.
She looked at Peter and Sophie for encouragement. Their eyes plainly showed support as they silently urged her to go on. She took a deep breath and addressed the two adults. "I know that you're bound by law to report everything that I'm going to say to you. But I don't care. Do what you have to do." She paused, as she mentally went over everything she wanted to say.
Scott took a deep breath. The moment of truth had arrived. Or maybe not. Maybe she was just going to tell them about her stepfather. Was he ready to hear the whole truth? He guessed he would find out in a few minutes.
Daisy looked at Shelby sympathetically. She had finally arrived at the breaking point. She had finally realized that she didn't have to face her demons alone. Good for her. It was about time.
She turned in her chair to face her group. She still clutched the overstuffed pillow to her chest. Scott had slid from the arm of her chair to the floor, so as not to block her from anyone's view. He sat Indian-style on the floor and waited patiently for her to continue.
She pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. Enough stalling, she thought. "When I first came here, you all annoyed the hell out of me, because you kept asking me what I was here for. Well, here it is. When I was fourteen, my stepfather started physically abusing me. By the time I was fifteen, it had turned into…he was raping me." Her voice dropped to a whisper.
Sophie looked horrified. Not Shelby, she thought. God, why Shelby? Is this what had driven her to prostitution? She felt tears sting to her eyes in sympathy.
Juliette felt low. Lower than low. She hadn't known. How could she have? All this time she had been calling Shelby a skank, slut, whore, and every other name in the book when she had been raped. She regretted every time she had started a fight with Shelby by invoking those names. And all this time she had thought Shelby was just a jealous bitch with a drug problem. Kind of like how Shelby thought she was a pampered princess. Juliette resolved to try to work out her differences with Shelby. Who knew? Maybe they could eventually end up friends.
Scott exhaled slowly. He knew how hard that had been for her. Would she go on? He didn't know if he was prepared for her to tell him the rest.
"There's more," she said resolutely. "I couldn't take living at home anymore. My mom refused to believe what was happening. So I ran away. I ran out of money fast. I was scared and alone and I started…I…" Her eyes flickered over to Scott's face. Her voice turned as cold as steel. "I started turning tricks," she said flatly. "I became a prostitute."
Dead silence.
"My mom tracked me down and brought me here." The last sentence was said in a rush. The words bled together in a torrent of sound. "That's my story. Now you know." She spoke with an air of finality. On the outside, her features were as cold as marble. Her expression betrayed nothing. But on the inside, the butterflies in her stomach melted away. An unfamiliar feeling began to work its way up from the pit of her stomach to her skull. She was hesitant to give into the dizzying joy of that feeling until she knew if they were disgusted with her.
Daisy gave her a small reassuring smile. I'm proud of you, it said. Daisy was the only one who had known about everything. Even if everyone else hated her forever, she would still have Daisy.
Scott looked at her, really looked at her. He was certain that he'd never seen anyone so beautiful in his entire life. Her lip was trembling slightly. She was struggling to keep up the charade. But he knew now what was beneath the surface: beauty, courage, vulnerability, and countless other things he had yet to discover. He would eventually. All he needed was time.
He stood then. She remained sitting, her eyes looking up at him apprehensively. Without hesitation, he grabbed her hands and pulled her to her feet. He pulled her into a tight hug, wrapping his arms around her fiercely. He bent his head and pulled his lips close to her ear. "Thank you for telling me."
She was shocked. She felt like she was viewing the world from underwater. The sound was distorted and she only caught flashes of what was going on around her. Her warped perception caught up with reality, and the long repressed emotion finally burst and flew out from her soul. Relief.
The rest of the Cliffhangers could hold themselves back no longer. Wordlessly, they stood up and became entangled in one big group hug. And for the first time in her life, she felt safe. She would never be alone again.
End
Thanks to flamingteen for the information/opinions and Austin Powers quotes.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to review.
I think this is the end of the road folks. It just seems to me that this fic has reached a resolution. (See above definition). I'm sorry I didn't work in any big S/S romance, but that kinda thing isn't my expertise.
Well, what can I say. It's been real.