What We Let Pass By
Ch. 2
The Sixth
As a star shot across the star filled sky my mind shifted to a ballroom, fireworks filled the sky along with the stars and I looking at Squall Lionheart for the very first time. With a heavy sigh I close my window and lied down on my bed. I asked the heavens how I got to where I was. It felt like yesterday that I was reading headlines like "Incompetent Child," and "A Sorceress or a Joke?" I remember how hard the first few months where here all the criticism and all the pressure that went along with it were awful. This wasn't at all how I wanted to live my life. I waited and waited for him to come, but he never did. In the back of my mind, when I had left for Galbadia, I thought Squall would come rescue me and for the first time he didn't. I shouldn't blame Squall for I could have just as easily have gone to see him, but I didn't do that either, the fates where against us or maybe our tenderness for each other for each other wasn't what I thought it was.
I heard he went to live with president Laguna, his father. When I heard it I thought that so wasn't something that Squall would do, go running to someone, even if it was his father. I remember the smirk that Seifer gave when I told him it.
"Yeah I bet went running to daddy," I wished I hadn't told Seifer that president Laguna was Squall's father. With a heavy heart I answered.
"I'm sure he has his reasons."
"I'm sure he does too and I'm sure the reason was he couldn't cut it as a SeeD after all."
"Seifer," I pleaded hating it when he bashed on Squall.
"Rinoa when are you going to realize that Squall wasn't the guy you thought he was." I didn't answer I didn't know how to answer.
"Squalls not here for you, but I am." Seifer puts his arm around me I quickly shook it off. Over the next couple of years Seifer kept putting his arm around me and less quickly each time I shook it off until eventually I didn't shake it off anymore.
My thoughts returned to the present when Seifer barged into my room. I wasn't surprised at his entrance for this was how he always came in.
"It's done", Seifer announces to me standing up tall with his burly chest sticking out. "I just delivered all the invitations." I take a moment hesitating before I ask.
"Did you send one to Quistis and everyone?'
"No, why would I?" he answered like my question was ridiculous. "Because I want them at our wedding," I told him.
"Well I don't," Seifer says firmly taking off his cloths and putting on his pajamas.
"What about what I want!?" I cried out hating it when he regarded me the way he was. Seifer softening but not giving in says.
"I just be awkward for me Rinoa and I think it would me for you too, your just not thinking it through," he climbs in bed with me and tries to cuddle I jerk away getting out of bed.
"Oh, come on Rinoa don't be like this," Seifer protested.
"I think I'm going to sleep in a spare room tonight," I told him. Turning to leave I heard Seifer say.
"Don't think that I don't know that you still think about him, Rinoa." Feeling guilty I take a step back towards Seifer.
"Theres no harm in just thinking," I told him trying to justify myself.
"I'm your fiancée. I'm the one that was there for you." Seifer's voice rises violently. "You damn well better remember that!" Without either of us saying another word I left the room.
Next morning I was eating my breakfast when Seifer came down he sits next to me without saying a word. The butler serves him his breakfast and he begins to eat. There was that uncomfortable silence that surrounded us all too often. Seifer when he felt ready broke the silence.
"I think that marriages need to have compromise"- I broke in.
"You think?" I said to him sarcastically. Seifer gives me s grim smile then continues.
"I don't want them there, but obviously you do so as a compromise instead of them going to our wedding we'll go to this," Seifer hands me a piece of paper which was an invitation. I read the invitation out loud.
We are all one, Balamb, Galbadia and Trabia gardens are to have a ceremony honoring the SeeDs that so gallantly strive to protect our country. It's also a chance for the three gardens to get to know each other after all where all SeeDs.
Where: Balamb garden When: May, 16 5:00pm
Till then, Quistis Trepe General of Balamb Cid Kramer Headmaster of Balamb
I look at Seifer. "That's in one week," I said astonished.
"Yeah," he says not seeing my point.
"Were you not going to tell me about this?" I could feel my anger from last night coming back. Seifer just shrugs his shoulders. "And this is your idea of a compromise?"
"Rinoa, your going to see them isn't that what you ultimately wanted? So please just lay off."
Even though I was happy I was going to see everyone I was mad at how Seifer presented this to me. Leaving him at the breakfast table I went into my office collapsing into my chair I began to cry. I cried about a lot of things at that moment, but mostly about the dismal future that awaited me.
* * * * *
The Five of us spent the night talking. So much had happened in the past few years it made me sad that I missed it, but that was the choice I made and now I had the chance to make up for that choice. It scared me that I was ready to put myself in that position where I'd be so vulnerable. I guess that just signified how much I really care and love these guys.
We where all still on the balcony. Sitting down we where all listening to Selphie's account on how the Trabia garden recovered from the missile attack.
"It made me so sad rebuilding the place where I grew up. My home was destroyed, people that I cared for where hurt or killed and that only Trabia was left with the pain that the missiles brought. That's what I at least thought when I first got there. I then saw the power of people working together. It blew me away BOOM I suddenly realized how much I wanted to be part of that."
"And that's why you never came back," Quistis said. Selphie nods.
"I'm super sorry guys it's just what I had to do for myself."
"Selphie, we understand," Zell sympathized then asked. "But when did Irvine come back to the picture?" Irvine stands up all dramatically.
"With my heart stripped away from not being with Selphie I left Balamb garden to go back to Galbadia, but even there I couldn't bear not being with my Selphie." Irvine puts his hands on his heart. "The pain became so much that I decided to go see Selphie." Irvine kneels down next to Selphie giving her a big hug.
"Irvine surprised me at Trabia. It made me so happy because I missed him so much." Selphie gives Irvine a quick kiss. "We've been together ever since. We've made trips to each others garden to see each other."
Irvine and Selphie made the effort to be with each other. That's what Rinoa and I could have done. Once again I had brought up the "What If." Putting the thoughts once again to the back of my mind I listened to Selphie ask Quistis and Zell.
"What have you guys been doing here?"
"Well being general keeps you busy," Quistis told her. "But honestly staying busy made me miss you guys less so always tried to keep busy.
"Yeah it's not the same without you guys, but we made do. I mean at least we still have the hotdogs." Everyone laughed at one of Zell's rare funny jokes. Irvine then turns to me.
"So Squall how was Esthar treating you?"
I shrug my shoulders. "Alright," I told him.
"Ah, come on Squall you haven't said anything about Esthar since you've been here." Zell exclaimed.
"There honestly isn't much to tell. I was an Esthar soldier, but there wasn't much to done as one. I ended up spending most of my time with Ellone."
"Oh, how is Sis doing?" Selphie asked.
"She's good."
"We don't want you to go into detail," Quistis said sarcastically. With a sigh I went more in depth on the subject.
"She's made lots of friends with the Esthar citizens," I gave a little smile to my self. "All the guys seem to like her," everyone smiles. We went on to talk about headmaster Cid and Edea also Laguna and his two best friends Karos and Ward, but thankfully they didn't make me go in to much detail with them. I wouldn't have even if they had asked. Eventually the subject of Seifer was brought up. Still with great bitterness and anger towards the man Zell asked Irvine.
"So what is it like working under Seifer?" We all waited for Irvine's answer. Irvine was looking real uncomfortable the guy never really held well under pressure. After clearing his throat several times he finally said something.
"Seifer is.well Seifer's actually rather that is he's good at the command." At Irvine's words we where all silent none of really knowing what to say Irvine not liking what he created tried to fix the silence. "That is he doesn't hesitate and stuff like that and" - I cut Irvine off in effort to save him.
"It's alright Irvine you don't have to justify what you think. I always knew Seifer was good at command. I'm sure becoming a general came naturally for him."
"I still think the guy is a jerk, but." he fades off. Another uncomfortable silence approached us. This being too much for Selphie to handle she burst into action.
"Hey, enough of this today's a happy day why don't we all give the training center a go." Not even Selphie's quirkiness could help the uncomfortable ness, but it did help the silence.
"It's been a big day," Quistis rationalized. "Why don't we call it a night?" Everyone agreed. While Zell went straight to bed Quistis brought Irvine and Selphie to their dorms which where next to mine. Once Irvine and Selphie where situated Quistis walked me to my dorm we stopped at the door way.
"I'm sure this has been a lot for you in the past couple of days," Quistis says to me.
"Sure, but I haven't had anything in the past few years so I was due."
"Your lonely Squall," I lowered my head not saying anything. Quistis grabbed my hand the way that Rinoa used to. "So am I," she says then letting go of my hand she walks away. She quickly turns back to me and says "Squall," I look at her looking at me. She seemed to be at a lost for words gaining her senses she says to me. "Since the notices to the students and SeeDs are going out tomorrow I should tell you. Next week our garden is holding a ceremony for all SeeD. It was the headmaster's idea he said it give the gardens a chance to communicate with each other. You can be part of the ceremony if you want since you never technically quit being a SeeD. I just wanted to tell you before you heard it walking around the halls tomorrow." I stood there thinking about what Quistis had just said I ask her.
"All the gardens will be there?"
"Yes," Quistis said knowing what my concern was. Turning to my dorm room I say goodnight to Quistis. In the corner of my eye I saw her still standing there as I closed the door.
I almost left that night. Galbadia garden was going to be here which meant Seifer was going to be here too and with him was going to be Rinoa. I didn't want to see either of them, but I was tired from hiding from them. I hated who I was for the past three years and I wasn't going to run back to that life.
The next morning Quistis told everyone about the ceremony at breakfast. Selphie was ecstatic.
"You mean there's going to be a big party here with all the gardens in less then a week!?" Quistis nods watching Selphie jump up excitingly.
"What's the ceremony going to be like?" Zell asked getting just as excited as Selphie.
"Some people are going to talk like headmaster Cid, Edea and the generals. Mostly it will be people just being silly. People are going to vote for SeeDs to go up and sing and of course there will be dancing." The event sounded like a ball to everyone, but to me it sounded like a night of hell. Not wanting to ruin everyone else's excitement I kept quite and nodded along with everyone anticipation of the big night.
By the end of the day the ceremony was all the garden was talking about. "This is the biggest thing ever to happen to this garden," I heard one girl chirp to a group of her friends. I frowned at that, what about the time that Galbadia attacked us or when we discovered that the garden could fly? Those things where big this was just stupid.
The next week past extremely fast. It was the night before the big day and everyone was out getting ready. I had stayed in my dorm sharpening my gunblade irritated by the commotion that was going around the garden when I heard a knock on the door. Answering the door I was surprised to see Quistis.
"You're the last person I expected," I told her "I thought you be busy getting ready for the big day tomorrow."
"I decided that I needed a little break," she said stepping into my room and sitting down on my bed. Closing the door behind me I leaned against the wall looking at her. Quistis had always been something like a sister to me. When Sis was taken away Quistis came through and took care of me. Even when I hated it I always appreciated it. I wonder if she knew that, I made a mental not to tell her. Quistis sat there in silence for awhile I didn't say anything I stood there in the silence with her till Quistis was ready to talk.
"So are you going to go?" She asked suddenly from no where.
"I think," was all I said.
"I hope you do I know its going to be hard with all whose going to be there, but everyone really wants you to come. I really want you to come." Looking at Quistis' face I saw how much she meant the words she spoke. Nodding I tell her.
"I'll be there."
"Wonderful," she gets up from the bed and heads to the door. Hesitating for a moment she pulls up to me giving me a quick kiss on the forehead. Turning red Quistis quickly leaves I watch her go standing there shocked.
Madness was spread over the garden by the next morning. People from other gardens started coming. The five of us hung around the cafeteria prior to the event. We where all dressed in our SeeD uniforms. Headmaster Cid handed me my SeeD uniform earlier this morning. The feeling of pride and contentment that went into putting that uniform on was beyond words.
A half- hour before the ceremony was to start we took our seats at one of the front tables that were reserved for us. We watched as the quad filled with SeeDs from all over. It amazed me how many SeeDs there really where all risking there lives for the sake of others. As we stared through the crowd nobody said anything, but we all where looking for the same two people. Five minutes before the ceremony we see a crowd of people part as two figures walk to the front table next to ours and sit down. My heart started beating fast and my mouth grew dry. One of the figures that sat down was Rinoa who had walked hand in hand with Seifer to the table that they where now sitting at. My heart burned with a pain of jealousy at the sight of them together.
The quad began to get real dark and I had to force myself to turn away from her not knowing if she saw me.
The ceremony was long and a bit tormenting. Even though headmaster Cid and Quistis' presentations where touching Seifer's was just torture. After talking about his soldiers in Galbadia he concluded with talking about his beautiful fiancée.
"Without you nothing else would matter," I painfully noticed as Seifer was giving out these loving words he wasn't saying them to Rinoa, but to the crowd. I forced a look to Rinoa as Seifer went back to his seat. Her face was looking down towards her lap and even though her eyes where closed there was a strong hint of sadness to her that it made my heart stiffen.
When the Trabia general was finished speaking Headmaster Cid went back up. He beamed down at all the SeeDs. Without loosing a hint of his smile he talks out loud to the crowd.
"It's time for a little fun!" I hear the people all around me cheer. "Now we had each garden vote to have someone from their garden come up here and sing. Since the Balamb garden is hosting this ceremony we'll start it off." Reading from a piece of paper he says "and starting it off for us will be Mr. Squall Lionheart." Eyes fell on me as I sat there not moving for all the gil in the world.
"Come on Squall it will be fun!" Selphie tried to encourage me. I sunk deeper into my chair imagining the arrogant smile across Seifer's face.
"No way," I whispered to everyone. I heard the crowd start chanting my name. Squall, Squall, Squall. Quistis turns to me and says.
"Go on up."
"I don't know any songs," I persisted.
"Then make some up from the heart," I saw something in Quistis' eyes that I had never seen before. I didn't know what to make of it, but I did stand up and walk up to the podium. After an encouraging handshake from the headmaster I stood there alone with hundreds of pairs of eye staring at me. I first made a quick glance toward Rinoa who was still staring into her lap and then to Quistis who gave me an encouraging smile. I hear music start to play behind me and the beat of the music going into my heart. I grabbed the mike and stepped away from the podium. My heart was racing, but I felt something inside of me. With my heart going crazy from so many different emotions running around in me that it made my head feel like it was going to split. I realize I was still standing up there without making a sound I had to do something. Taking a deep breathe I began to sing the words that where living in my heart.
Hidden from actions was what it was. Needed to be someone to you that I never lived up to. I wanted to be your rock. I wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to be your everything, because you already where to me. I guess I wanted too much.
Believe me when I say that I regret and that I look back. When I do look forward I see you so rich in love. I wanted to be somebody. I wanted not to be alone. But above all else I wanted to be that somebody that wasn't alone with you I guess I discovered that I blew my chance, didn't take the shot. But above all else what I discovered was how much I was in love with you.
After my last word I dropped the mike and without a look into the crowd I walked out of there.
* * * * *
My heart sprung with a kind of joy that I hadn't felt in awhile at the sight of Squall. His handsome features had not changed except for his eyes which had seemed to grow even sadder then they where known to be before.
During the ceremony I believed I gave an admirable attempt of not looking at him, but being so close to Squall I discovered that after all this time I really still ached for him. The ache grew so much worse when Seifer went up to speak, not a word he said was for his soldiers or me they where only for the better of himself. Which wasn't a surprise to me, but it didn't stop it from hurting me.
When Squall sang his song his words cried into my own heart. Squall's vulnerability at that moment and the way the words seemed to pour from his soul it made me discover something too and that was that I still loved him. Seifer laughed as Squall walked out of the quad. It took me every ounce of strength and sense that I had not to run after him. I was engaged to Seifer and for damn appearance sake alone I didn't go after Squall.
Galbadia and Trabia performers went as I remained seated. Once the garden performers where finished the band came out and started performing their own songs. The couples in the quad got up and started dancing sitting there I saw my opportunity. With everyone's attention occupied I told Seifer I was going to the ladies room. Giving me a suspicious glance he didn't say anything and I not waiting for an answer left.
As if in auto-pilot I went directly to the gardens balcony. There I found Squall with his elbows hanging over the ledge. His light brown wavy hair was blowing with the cool breeze of the night. I stood there watching him with great pain binding to my heart. Why didn't he come for me three years ago? Now I was to marry Seifer and live a life that I didn't want. Before I said anything to him Squall turned around our faces met and I saw the expression of surprise take over his face. I looked again at his eyes they did look sad, but they had not lost their tenderness. After a few emotional silenced moments I say to him with a deep sigh.
"Hey, there handsome."
As a star shot across the star filled sky my mind shifted to a ballroom, fireworks filled the sky along with the stars and I looking at Squall Lionheart for the very first time. With a heavy sigh I close my window and lied down on my bed. I asked the heavens how I got to where I was. It felt like yesterday that I was reading headlines like "Incompetent Child," and "A Sorceress or a Joke?" I remember how hard the first few months where here all the criticism and all the pressure that went along with it were awful. This wasn't at all how I wanted to live my life. I waited and waited for him to come, but he never did. In the back of my mind, when I had left for Galbadia, I thought Squall would come rescue me and for the first time he didn't. I shouldn't blame Squall for I could have just as easily have gone to see him, but I didn't do that either, the fates where against us or maybe our tenderness for each other for each other wasn't what I thought it was.
I heard he went to live with president Laguna, his father. When I heard it I thought that so wasn't something that Squall would do, go running to someone, even if it was his father. I remember the smirk that Seifer gave when I told him it.
"Yeah I bet went running to daddy," I wished I hadn't told Seifer that president Laguna was Squall's father. With a heavy heart I answered.
"I'm sure he has his reasons."
"I'm sure he does too and I'm sure the reason was he couldn't cut it as a SeeD after all."
"Seifer," I pleaded hating it when he bashed on Squall.
"Rinoa when are you going to realize that Squall wasn't the guy you thought he was." I didn't answer I didn't know how to answer.
"Squalls not here for you, but I am." Seifer puts his arm around me I quickly shook it off. Over the next couple of years Seifer kept putting his arm around me and less quickly each time I shook it off until eventually I didn't shake it off anymore.
My thoughts returned to the present when Seifer barged into my room. I wasn't surprised at his entrance for this was how he always came in.
"It's done", Seifer announces to me standing up tall with his burly chest sticking out. "I just delivered all the invitations." I take a moment hesitating before I ask.
"Did you send one to Quistis and everyone?'
"No, why would I?" he answered like my question was ridiculous. "Because I want them at our wedding," I told him.
"Well I don't," Seifer says firmly taking off his cloths and putting on his pajamas.
"What about what I want!?" I cried out hating it when he regarded me the way he was. Seifer softening but not giving in says.
"I just be awkward for me Rinoa and I think it would me for you too, your just not thinking it through," he climbs in bed with me and tries to cuddle I jerk away getting out of bed.
"Oh, come on Rinoa don't be like this," Seifer protested.
"I think I'm going to sleep in a spare room tonight," I told him. Turning to leave I heard Seifer say.
"Don't think that I don't know that you still think about him, Rinoa." Feeling guilty I take a step back towards Seifer.
"Theres no harm in just thinking," I told him trying to justify myself.
"I'm your fiancée. I'm the one that was there for you." Seifer's voice rises violently. "You damn well better remember that!" Without either of us saying another word I left the room.
Next morning I was eating my breakfast when Seifer came down he sits next to me without saying a word. The butler serves him his breakfast and he begins to eat. There was that uncomfortable silence that surrounded us all too often. Seifer when he felt ready broke the silence.
"I think that marriages need to have compromise"- I broke in.
"You think?" I said to him sarcastically. Seifer gives me s grim smile then continues.
"I don't want them there, but obviously you do so as a compromise instead of them going to our wedding we'll go to this," Seifer hands me a piece of paper which was an invitation. I read the invitation out loud.
We are all one, Balamb, Galbadia and Trabia gardens are to have a ceremony honoring the SeeDs that so gallantly strive to protect our country. It's also a chance for the three gardens to get to know each other after all where all SeeDs.
Where: Balamb garden When: May, 16 5:00pm
Till then, Quistis Trepe General of Balamb Cid Kramer Headmaster of Balamb
I look at Seifer. "That's in one week," I said astonished.
"Yeah," he says not seeing my point.
"Were you not going to tell me about this?" I could feel my anger from last night coming back. Seifer just shrugs his shoulders. "And this is your idea of a compromise?"
"Rinoa, your going to see them isn't that what you ultimately wanted? So please just lay off."
Even though I was happy I was going to see everyone I was mad at how Seifer presented this to me. Leaving him at the breakfast table I went into my office collapsing into my chair I began to cry. I cried about a lot of things at that moment, but mostly about the dismal future that awaited me.
* * * * *
The Five of us spent the night talking. So much had happened in the past few years it made me sad that I missed it, but that was the choice I made and now I had the chance to make up for that choice. It scared me that I was ready to put myself in that position where I'd be so vulnerable. I guess that just signified how much I really care and love these guys.
We where all still on the balcony. Sitting down we where all listening to Selphie's account on how the Trabia garden recovered from the missile attack.
"It made me so sad rebuilding the place where I grew up. My home was destroyed, people that I cared for where hurt or killed and that only Trabia was left with the pain that the missiles brought. That's what I at least thought when I first got there. I then saw the power of people working together. It blew me away BOOM I suddenly realized how much I wanted to be part of that."
"And that's why you never came back," Quistis said. Selphie nods.
"I'm super sorry guys it's just what I had to do for myself."
"Selphie, we understand," Zell sympathized then asked. "But when did Irvine come back to the picture?" Irvine stands up all dramatically.
"With my heart stripped away from not being with Selphie I left Balamb garden to go back to Galbadia, but even there I couldn't bear not being with my Selphie." Irvine puts his hands on his heart. "The pain became so much that I decided to go see Selphie." Irvine kneels down next to Selphie giving her a big hug.
"Irvine surprised me at Trabia. It made me so happy because I missed him so much." Selphie gives Irvine a quick kiss. "We've been together ever since. We've made trips to each others garden to see each other."
Irvine and Selphie made the effort to be with each other. That's what Rinoa and I could have done. Once again I had brought up the "What If." Putting the thoughts once again to the back of my mind I listened to Selphie ask Quistis and Zell.
"What have you guys been doing here?"
"Well being general keeps you busy," Quistis told her. "But honestly staying busy made me miss you guys less so always tried to keep busy.
"Yeah it's not the same without you guys, but we made do. I mean at least we still have the hotdogs." Everyone laughed at one of Zell's rare funny jokes. Irvine then turns to me.
"So Squall how was Esthar treating you?"
I shrug my shoulders. "Alright," I told him.
"Ah, come on Squall you haven't said anything about Esthar since you've been here." Zell exclaimed.
"There honestly isn't much to tell. I was an Esthar soldier, but there wasn't much to done as one. I ended up spending most of my time with Ellone."
"Oh, how is Sis doing?" Selphie asked.
"She's good."
"We don't want you to go into detail," Quistis said sarcastically. With a sigh I went more in depth on the subject.
"She's made lots of friends with the Esthar citizens," I gave a little smile to my self. "All the guys seem to like her," everyone smiles. We went on to talk about headmaster Cid and Edea also Laguna and his two best friends Karos and Ward, but thankfully they didn't make me go in to much detail with them. I wouldn't have even if they had asked. Eventually the subject of Seifer was brought up. Still with great bitterness and anger towards the man Zell asked Irvine.
"So what is it like working under Seifer?" We all waited for Irvine's answer. Irvine was looking real uncomfortable the guy never really held well under pressure. After clearing his throat several times he finally said something.
"Seifer is.well Seifer's actually rather that is he's good at the command." At Irvine's words we where all silent none of really knowing what to say Irvine not liking what he created tried to fix the silence. "That is he doesn't hesitate and stuff like that and" - I cut Irvine off in effort to save him.
"It's alright Irvine you don't have to justify what you think. I always knew Seifer was good at command. I'm sure becoming a general came naturally for him."
"I still think the guy is a jerk, but." he fades off. Another uncomfortable silence approached us. This being too much for Selphie to handle she burst into action.
"Hey, enough of this today's a happy day why don't we all give the training center a go." Not even Selphie's quirkiness could help the uncomfortable ness, but it did help the silence.
"It's been a big day," Quistis rationalized. "Why don't we call it a night?" Everyone agreed. While Zell went straight to bed Quistis brought Irvine and Selphie to their dorms which where next to mine. Once Irvine and Selphie where situated Quistis walked me to my dorm we stopped at the door way.
"I'm sure this has been a lot for you in the past couple of days," Quistis says to me.
"Sure, but I haven't had anything in the past few years so I was due."
"Your lonely Squall," I lowered my head not saying anything. Quistis grabbed my hand the way that Rinoa used to. "So am I," she says then letting go of my hand she walks away. She quickly turns back to me and says "Squall," I look at her looking at me. She seemed to be at a lost for words gaining her senses she says to me. "Since the notices to the students and SeeDs are going out tomorrow I should tell you. Next week our garden is holding a ceremony for all SeeD. It was the headmaster's idea he said it give the gardens a chance to communicate with each other. You can be part of the ceremony if you want since you never technically quit being a SeeD. I just wanted to tell you before you heard it walking around the halls tomorrow." I stood there thinking about what Quistis had just said I ask her.
"All the gardens will be there?"
"Yes," Quistis said knowing what my concern was. Turning to my dorm room I say goodnight to Quistis. In the corner of my eye I saw her still standing there as I closed the door.
I almost left that night. Galbadia garden was going to be here which meant Seifer was going to be here too and with him was going to be Rinoa. I didn't want to see either of them, but I was tired from hiding from them. I hated who I was for the past three years and I wasn't going to run back to that life.
The next morning Quistis told everyone about the ceremony at breakfast. Selphie was ecstatic.
"You mean there's going to be a big party here with all the gardens in less then a week!?" Quistis nods watching Selphie jump up excitingly.
"What's the ceremony going to be like?" Zell asked getting just as excited as Selphie.
"Some people are going to talk like headmaster Cid, Edea and the generals. Mostly it will be people just being silly. People are going to vote for SeeDs to go up and sing and of course there will be dancing." The event sounded like a ball to everyone, but to me it sounded like a night of hell. Not wanting to ruin everyone else's excitement I kept quite and nodded along with everyone anticipation of the big night.
By the end of the day the ceremony was all the garden was talking about. "This is the biggest thing ever to happen to this garden," I heard one girl chirp to a group of her friends. I frowned at that, what about the time that Galbadia attacked us or when we discovered that the garden could fly? Those things where big this was just stupid.
The next week past extremely fast. It was the night before the big day and everyone was out getting ready. I had stayed in my dorm sharpening my gunblade irritated by the commotion that was going around the garden when I heard a knock on the door. Answering the door I was surprised to see Quistis.
"You're the last person I expected," I told her "I thought you be busy getting ready for the big day tomorrow."
"I decided that I needed a little break," she said stepping into my room and sitting down on my bed. Closing the door behind me I leaned against the wall looking at her. Quistis had always been something like a sister to me. When Sis was taken away Quistis came through and took care of me. Even when I hated it I always appreciated it. I wonder if she knew that, I made a mental not to tell her. Quistis sat there in silence for awhile I didn't say anything I stood there in the silence with her till Quistis was ready to talk.
"So are you going to go?" She asked suddenly from no where.
"I think," was all I said.
"I hope you do I know its going to be hard with all whose going to be there, but everyone really wants you to come. I really want you to come." Looking at Quistis' face I saw how much she meant the words she spoke. Nodding I tell her.
"I'll be there."
"Wonderful," she gets up from the bed and heads to the door. Hesitating for a moment she pulls up to me giving me a quick kiss on the forehead. Turning red Quistis quickly leaves I watch her go standing there shocked.
Madness was spread over the garden by the next morning. People from other gardens started coming. The five of us hung around the cafeteria prior to the event. We where all dressed in our SeeD uniforms. Headmaster Cid handed me my SeeD uniform earlier this morning. The feeling of pride and contentment that went into putting that uniform on was beyond words.
A half- hour before the ceremony was to start we took our seats at one of the front tables that were reserved for us. We watched as the quad filled with SeeDs from all over. It amazed me how many SeeDs there really where all risking there lives for the sake of others. As we stared through the crowd nobody said anything, but we all where looking for the same two people. Five minutes before the ceremony we see a crowd of people part as two figures walk to the front table next to ours and sit down. My heart started beating fast and my mouth grew dry. One of the figures that sat down was Rinoa who had walked hand in hand with Seifer to the table that they where now sitting at. My heart burned with a pain of jealousy at the sight of them together.
The quad began to get real dark and I had to force myself to turn away from her not knowing if she saw me.
The ceremony was long and a bit tormenting. Even though headmaster Cid and Quistis' presentations where touching Seifer's was just torture. After talking about his soldiers in Galbadia he concluded with talking about his beautiful fiancée.
"Without you nothing else would matter," I painfully noticed as Seifer was giving out these loving words he wasn't saying them to Rinoa, but to the crowd. I forced a look to Rinoa as Seifer went back to his seat. Her face was looking down towards her lap and even though her eyes where closed there was a strong hint of sadness to her that it made my heart stiffen.
When the Trabia general was finished speaking Headmaster Cid went back up. He beamed down at all the SeeDs. Without loosing a hint of his smile he talks out loud to the crowd.
"It's time for a little fun!" I hear the people all around me cheer. "Now we had each garden vote to have someone from their garden come up here and sing. Since the Balamb garden is hosting this ceremony we'll start it off." Reading from a piece of paper he says "and starting it off for us will be Mr. Squall Lionheart." Eyes fell on me as I sat there not moving for all the gil in the world.
"Come on Squall it will be fun!" Selphie tried to encourage me. I sunk deeper into my chair imagining the arrogant smile across Seifer's face.
"No way," I whispered to everyone. I heard the crowd start chanting my name. Squall, Squall, Squall. Quistis turns to me and says.
"Go on up."
"I don't know any songs," I persisted.
"Then make some up from the heart," I saw something in Quistis' eyes that I had never seen before. I didn't know what to make of it, but I did stand up and walk up to the podium. After an encouraging handshake from the headmaster I stood there alone with hundreds of pairs of eye staring at me. I first made a quick glance toward Rinoa who was still staring into her lap and then to Quistis who gave me an encouraging smile. I hear music start to play behind me and the beat of the music going into my heart. I grabbed the mike and stepped away from the podium. My heart was racing, but I felt something inside of me. With my heart going crazy from so many different emotions running around in me that it made my head feel like it was going to split. I realize I was still standing up there without making a sound I had to do something. Taking a deep breathe I began to sing the words that where living in my heart.
Hidden from actions was what it was. Needed to be someone to you that I never lived up to. I wanted to be your rock. I wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to be your everything, because you already where to me. I guess I wanted too much.
Believe me when I say that I regret and that I look back. When I do look forward I see you so rich in love. I wanted to be somebody. I wanted not to be alone. But above all else I wanted to be that somebody that wasn't alone with you I guess I discovered that I blew my chance, didn't take the shot. But above all else what I discovered was how much I was in love with you.
After my last word I dropped the mike and without a look into the crowd I walked out of there.
* * * * *
My heart sprung with a kind of joy that I hadn't felt in awhile at the sight of Squall. His handsome features had not changed except for his eyes which had seemed to grow even sadder then they where known to be before.
During the ceremony I believed I gave an admirable attempt of not looking at him, but being so close to Squall I discovered that after all this time I really still ached for him. The ache grew so much worse when Seifer went up to speak, not a word he said was for his soldiers or me they where only for the better of himself. Which wasn't a surprise to me, but it didn't stop it from hurting me.
When Squall sang his song his words cried into my own heart. Squall's vulnerability at that moment and the way the words seemed to pour from his soul it made me discover something too and that was that I still loved him. Seifer laughed as Squall walked out of the quad. It took me every ounce of strength and sense that I had not to run after him. I was engaged to Seifer and for damn appearance sake alone I didn't go after Squall.
Galbadia and Trabia performers went as I remained seated. Once the garden performers where finished the band came out and started performing their own songs. The couples in the quad got up and started dancing sitting there I saw my opportunity. With everyone's attention occupied I told Seifer I was going to the ladies room. Giving me a suspicious glance he didn't say anything and I not waiting for an answer left.
As if in auto-pilot I went directly to the gardens balcony. There I found Squall with his elbows hanging over the ledge. His light brown wavy hair was blowing with the cool breeze of the night. I stood there watching him with great pain binding to my heart. Why didn't he come for me three years ago? Now I was to marry Seifer and live a life that I didn't want. Before I said anything to him Squall turned around our faces met and I saw the expression of surprise take over his face. I looked again at his eyes they did look sad, but they had not lost their tenderness. After a few emotional silenced moments I say to him with a deep sigh.
"Hey, there handsome."