What We Let Pass By
Ch. 3
Jealous Hearts
When I told Squall to make the words come from his heart I thought that his heart would be leaning towards me. Instead, and deep down without surprise, it was leaning right at Rinoa the way it always has.
When Squall walked out of the crowd I knew he needed his space so I waited until the SeeD's from other garden had performed before I went to go speak to Squall. As I was leaving the band begun to play and people started dancing I hadn't taken more then a few steps when a student from the Trepies came up to me and asked for a dance. Feeling too awkward to say no I accepted his offer and we danced for one song. Thanking the student for the delightful dance I hurried along looking for Squall. It took several tries before I found him on the balcony, but Squall wasn't all I found on that balcony Rinoa Heartilly was there with him. Once again finding my self cut out by Rinoa I left the balcony back down to the infamous party that I had no desire for. As I stepped back to the quad and watched all the happy people that surrounded me I realized that the only thing that I desired was on that balcony. * * * * *
It was extremely difficult imagining me going back down to the ceremony. Feeling lost I stayed on the balcony looking out into the stars. The night sky at first glance seemed so chaotic and complex, but when you looked close and broke it all down you could somehow see a path through the crazy mass of stars. That's how you made your way through the night sky.
That's what singing the song back in the quad felt to me. With so many emotions going on inside of me I picked a few and made them into my own path. I didn't realize this while I was singing, but when I had finished I had a came into a startling realization to what I had just done and got the hell out of there.
Sighing I looked one more time into the sky I saw a star fly across the horizon. Smiling at the thought that the star brought I turned around. I stepped back with surprise at the sight of Rinoa right there in front of me. Neither of us said anything we just stared right into each others eyes I was surprised at the emptiness that filled her usually vive rant eyes. Having a few more moments of silence pass us by Rinoa was the first to speak.
"Hey, there handsome."
I didn't say anything I was to overwhelm being that close to Rinoa again. She stood there impatiently waiting for me to say something. Finally breaking down Rinoa began to plead with me.
"Squall please I need to hear you say something." For the past three years I needed to hear Rinoa say something too, but now that she was right in front of me and speaking to me I didn't know what I wanted to hear. Having the same feeling I had little while ago back on stage I knew I had to say something. After searching for the perfect words I irritably settled for.
"How are you?"
At my question Rinoa didn't say anything, but instead looked like she was going to brake down. A tear began to roll down her cheek ashamed Rinoa turns away. I not knowing how to react stood there lamely as I always do. She turned back at me wide eyed and angry she asked me in a tone that sounded something like a hoarse whisper.
"Why didn't you come for me?"
Something struck me that I never had thought of before. she didn't know that I did come back. Why would Caraway or Seifer ever tell her I did? In deep thought I didn't give Rinoa an answer which only irritated Rinoa.
"Dammit Squall; I deserve a word from you." Looking at her I knew that I had a great amount of words for her. Unfortunately only the cruel ones came out.
"Why did you never come back?"
"You knew I had obligations."
"You could have gotten away for a day or two?" Rinoa didn't say anything to this. Breaking from our glare at each other I went back to leaning over the ledge and looking up into the stars. I could still feel her penetrating stare. Taking a deep breathe I asked the question that had been tugging at my heart for the past three years.
"So. you and Seifer?" Was my way of asking why? Rinoa walks to the ledge standing next to me not staring at the sky, but at me she says.
"He was around." Not knowing in her answer if her intent was to hurt me or not I said. "Well that's something."
"I suppose." She sighs I could tell she was aching to tell me something, but I felt that it wasn't my place to ask what it was so I waited. She went on "Things don't always turn out the way you thought they would."
"Life sometimes plays like that," I told her.
"I thought life didn't play that it was us that played life." Her tone was sarcastic and the truth behind it was so real. We went quite again not knowing where to take the conversation. I had so many things that I wanted to tell her, but felt too ridiculous to say anything. Speaking of ridiculous Rinoa brought up the song I sang.
"I liked your song," She says.
"It was stupid."
"No, it was really, really good."
"I'm not the one with the musical talent here." Rinoa didn't say anything to my reference to her mother and I wished I didn't say it. After another awkward moment Rinoa lets it pass by and says.
"I thought you would never go up there."
"It wasn't exactly by choice." She smiled at me. I began to ask "So how long are you going"- I was stopped by a familiar arrogant voice.
"Nice performance Squall," Seifer joked, but he couldn't hide his note of resentment. I didn't say anything only looked at Rinoa who seemed ashamed at her fiancée's sudden appearance. Seifer turning to Rinoa says "Cids looking for you in the quad," Rinoa with one last glance in my direction turns and leaves. Seifer and I where left on the balcony alone. Seifer didn't move he seemed to be thinking unusually hard and when he was done he looked like he came to a conclusion that he didn't like. Once this process was done he says to me.
"So you came back."
I looked at Seifer he was trying to pull me into his trap, the same way he used to when we where little. I wasn't going to let him get to me. "Eventually we all go back to something," I told him.
"Wasn't daddy taking good enough care of ya?" Not feeling like I had to justify anything to Seifer I went to leave the balcony Seifer grabbed me by the arm and snarled.
"This is the big stuff Squall. I need her so stay away." I stared at Seifer I needed Rinoa too, but from the look in Seifer's eyes he needed her in a different way. Pulling my arm from Seifer's grip I left the balcony.
* * * * *
I saw the two of them talking and I could feel the jealous serge run through me just like the way it did three years ago.
I interrupted them and after Rinoa left I tried to play with Squall's mind as always it didn't seem to penetrate him, but inside I knew that I must have snagged something. Squall soon after mirrored Rinoa and left the balcony I remained there and did some thinking.
I needed Rinoa, I needed her popularity, and I needed her for my big picture. I did feel something for the girl, but not enough to get in the way of my ambition. The only obstacle I saw in my eyes was Squall. The girl loved that guy, somehow. Squall still had it for her too and that could be dangerous.
I gave in to a deep laugh that echoed into the night air. I'll take care of that obstacle and reach my ambition. Squall Lionheart will never get the best of Seifer Almansy.
* * * * *
I didn't go back down to the ceremony I instead went straight to my dorm where I spent the rest of the night in sanctuary.
The next morning I went down to the quad where I found everyone one cleaning up from the night before. I joined in there efforts setting my thoughts on Rinoa aside. Irvine the first to notice me asked.
"Hey, man where did you go last night? Did you get lucky with some lady?" Everyone laughed except for Quistis and I. I simply replied to Irvine.
"I needed to be alone." No one said anything for I'm pretty sure they knew my reasons. We continued to clean a little later I asked them.
"Are the other gardens still here?"
"Galbadia's garden is still outside ours, but Trabia left early this morning." Quistis told me. I looked at Selphie.
"You're staying?" I asked Selphie who smiles.
"Yap, is that alright?" I let my lips curve into a slight smile and nodded to Selphie. This was my home and these people are my friends I came to the realization as I was throwing something away. Dammit I hate it when Laguna's right.
* * * * *
I enjoyed seeing everyone. Headmaster Cid is such a kind man, but I could feel everyone else's uneasiness towards me. I didn't think it was because I'm a sorceress or even because I'm engaged to Seifer. I think they all held some level of resentment towards me because of what happened between Squall and I. It wasn't only me, but they felt a high sense of loyalty towards Squall. Time had not changed that with them where I think it did towards me. I didn't hold it against them it just made me sad.
That night in bed Seifer and I didn't say anything to each other. I wasn't sure what he was thinking that was making him abnormally quiet, but I sure knew what was keeping me silent. How many times had I thought of Squall? Now he was only 10 minutes away and I yearned to go be with him, but the chains that bound me to Seifer kept me away. I didn't truly understand why I stayed with Seifer. I know why I got back involved with him two years ago, but now I was so miserable and I knew he couldn't be happy either. It burned me that I only was staying for political reasons it made me no better then my father or maybe it was because of him that I was staying, I suppose it didn't matter either way. I felt as if I had to marry Seifer for the people not because I wanted to. I use to care about him very much and I still do done on some level, but the loving feeling faded awhile ago and spite had filled that void. It shouldn't be like that. I shouldn't marry someone for someone else. I needed to talk to Seifer gently I shook him calling out his name.
"What!" he snapped turning to face me.
"We need to talk." I told him.
"Not now we don't." he says and turned back over. I didn't try to turn him towards me again, but I talked anyway.
"Seifer, this isn't the way things should be. This can't honestly be the way you want it." Seifer without turning to me replies.
"It's sufficient enough."
"Love shouldn't have to be sufficient it should be whole."
Seifer getting angry sits up. Not looking at me, but rather the wall he says. "Things are different for us. We have obligations and ambitions that other people don't have."
"That doesn't change what love is and we just don't have that love anymore," I protested.
"Did we ever have it!?" Seifer was yelling now. "Wasn't I always to play second to him!?" I sat there quiet. "Love isn't part of the equation for us. What we have to do is go on and finish what we started and you damn well better stick to it!"
Even though Seifer's tone was frightening I asked him anyway. "Can you live like that?"
"Whatever means I have to do to reach the end I can live with," was Seifer's answer.
Outraged I asked "Is all I am to you is a means?" Seifer didn't say anything he just laid back down. "Seifer!" I persisted, but he remained quiet.
I cried myself to sleep that night. I had made my mind set that tomorrow I was going to talk to Squall.
* * * * *
Irvine was who started it; of course I had to retaliate. I threw the sponge back at him hitting him right on the back, when the sponge dropped you could see the wet mark that it left. From that point it was war everyone was rolling on there backs with laughter. Even I found myself smiling. We finished actually cleaning up later that afternoon. Planning to catch everyone for dinner we all separated except for Quistis and me. We went for a walk around the garden we had just passed the library when Quistis asked.
"How can you tell me you didn't miss this?"
"I never said I didn't," I told her.
"You never say anything. It's only through your actions that anyone can tell anything from you and through your actions you made it seem like you didn't, at least at first."
"I never mean to seem like anything."
"I know. I also know it must have been hard to come back to all this and how hard it must have been to see her again." Quistis' words brought a moment of silence between us which was broken by Quistis when she asked.
"Do you still love her, Squall?" I was taken back by her question. I was too scared to even ask that question myself to have Quistis ask it blew me away. I didn't reply to her questions not necessary because I didn't want to, but because I didn't have an answer. Quistis feeling the awkwardness that her question brought said to me.
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked. I just had seen you guys on the balcony last night and it left me curious." After Quistis explaining herself I still didn't say anything right away. Gathering my thoughts I finally said something.
"It's alright you don't have to apologize."
"It's none of my business I shouldn't have asked." I shook my head at her words.
"No, I finally realize that I'm glad just to have who care enough to ask."
Quistis smiles "You've changed and I'm not just talking about last week."
"That's another thing I realized," I told her "I'm sick of being lonely. I might not be Mr. Socialize yet, but I'm working on it."
We reached the entrance to the garden. Quistis was right on my side we where shoulder to shoulder. I felt extremely uncomfortable being that close to her, but I didn't want to say anything that would come off wrong so I decided not to say anything.
Suddenly I saw someone come charging into the garden. It was a woman who was soaking wet her drenched jet black hair covered her face. When she brushed the hair from her face revealing herself facial feature I discovered that the woman was Rinoa! She was shaking from head to toe and her eyes looked lost as she looked around the garden before spotting me. She didn't move toward me, but remained where she was shaking, she must have been freezing. Tired of waiting for her to come to me I jogged to her.
"Rinoa what do you think your doing?"
"I need," she began then stopped.
Hardly hearing Quistis say "I'll leave you two alone," I studied Rinoa. She was staring hard at me and once again she started to say.
"I need." Once again she had stopped there.
"Rinoa," I said trying to find out what she was wanted to say.
"I can't," was what she said next. I hesitated before rubbing her shoulder in effort to warm her up. With my gesture she collapsed into my arms. I held her tight surprised that it didn't feel uncomfortable at all, but natural.
"Come on," I said nudging her along. "Let's warm you up."
* * * * *
Whenever anything got close between Squall and I she always got in the way. The only person presently who brought him any pain was the person that he loved. He did love her too, the look in his eyes when she saw her, there was no denying it.
The resentment that filled my heart was turning bitter. Maybe I missed my chance with Squall, but I didn't believe that. It was Rinoa who missed her chance and what made me resent her the most was she was the one who was getting the undeserved second chance.
Like we planned we all met for dinner in the cafeteria when Squall didn't show up Zell asked.
"Where's Squall?
"With Rinoa," I told them getting in line for a hotdog.
* * * * *
I laid Rinoa down in my bed covering her with my blanket. She was still shivering with the warm covers on her and I was starting to think that she wasn't shivering because she was cold.
She looked beautiful with her wet hair hanging from her face. I sat down on the side of the bed waiting for her to talk. The first thing she said to me was.
"It was raining."
I smiled swiping my hand through my hair. Rinoa looked at me intently.
"It's been along time since I'd seen you smile," she continued to say "even before." She stopped there turning the conversation around she said. "Thanks for the blankets and everything."
"Not a problem." After I said that we went quiet again. Why was it always like this? When you want to say something so bad, but you can never find the words. Damn words!
"Squall, it was good seeing you last night."
"You too," was all I managed to reply.
"I haven't.I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, have you?
I didn't know how to react towards this. No, I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her, but.
"I have to."
She turns away from me. "I suppose you have to and so do I. I hate the things I have to do!" She cried.
"Being sorceress isn't easy," was all I could think to say. She looks back up at me.
"Squall," Rinoa said her voice was uneasy.
"Yeah?" I asked
"Despite what has happened do you ever wish that things didn't turn out this way?" What I wished was I wish she didn't ask that question. Everyday I wished things would have turned differently, but now she was engaged to Seifer. To me that was it regardless of what I felt.
"At times," I told her then went on "But I know what that would lead to so I try not to."
"Squall, things can't be like this."
"Be like what?" I said confused. She looks from me down to herself.
"Seifer, and I.it's not what it should be." I stand up looking away from her leaning my hands against my door.
"Whatever trouble there is between you and Seifer is none of my business." Rinoa moved so she was standing next to me putting her hand gently on my arm I jerk it away.
"I can't deal with this," I said leaving the room.
* * * * *
She was no where to be found. As much as it disappointed him it didn't surprise him, but nor did it suppress his jealousy or anger. It only gave him the ambition to further his plans of the attack.
Seifer went to the control center in the Galbadia garden his SeeD's where waiting his orders.
"Set course for Balamb garden," he ordered. The Galbadia pilot gave Seifer a queer look.
"What business do you have with Balamb?" The pilot asked. Seifer glares at the pilot.
"Who are you, a pilot, to question my command?" The pilot fearing Seifer's menacing glare set the Galbadia garden for Balamb. With the pilot doing so Seifer walks to the loud speaker clicking it on he announces to his garden.
"SeeD's of Galbadia garden be prepared for battle, where attacking the Balamb garden."
* * * * *
I couldn't let her get to me. Not only could it destroy the world, but it would for sure destroy my heart. Either way I couldn't let it happen. This time Seifer you win.
Somberly I walked down to the cafeteria where I joined everyone in eating hotdogs. I was sure Quistis told them about Rinoa's arrival. Being the fantastic friends that they where they left me alone. I thought to myself as I watched them chatter away that I never told them how truly great people they are. Three years never changed that. I knew they deserved to hear that I just wished I had the open enough heart at one time to tell them. I continued to listen to there laughter.
"Then Irvine thinking the woman was me gave her a great big kiss smack dab on the lips." With Selphie finishing her story everyone roared with laughter. Irvine jokes with Selphie.
"Who said anything about me thinking it was you?"
"Unless you have a thing for fifty-year old Liberians that I should know about..." Selphie put in making everyone laugh even harder and having the effect of making Irvine turn a bright shade of red. Irvine trying to take some of the embarrassing attention off him asked me.
"What are you pondering so hard about over there?" Everyone knew perfectly what I was thinking about so I lamely answered.
"This and that," Irvine gives me a mischievous grin.
"Cheer up old boy things aren't always going to be this complicated." Glaring at Irvine I say under my breathe.
"They are for me." Just then the garden furiously shakes. If we weren't hovering I would have thought it to be an earthquake. A voice suddenly came from the loudspeaker it was headmaster Cid.
"Everyone please remain calm. We are under attack by the Galbadia garden," we all looked at each other while continuing to listen to the headmaster. "I want all SeeD members with even ID numbers to report to the quad. Evens go directly to the front entrance. Students remain in your classrooms. Squall and Quistis report immediately to my office." There was a pause then we heard the headmaster's finishing remarks. "Will the strength of Bahumat be with us all." When we heard the click of the loud speaker turning off Quistis says to everyone.
"Squall and I will catch up with you guys later." She runs towards Cid's office I, however, ran the other way. Quistis turning in my direction yells at me.
"Where the hell do you think your going!?" I didn't answer I only continued my way to Rinoa hearing Quistis' words of frustration as I ran.
"Damn you Squall!" Maybe Quistis' words would be true in the end, but for now at that moment all I knew was Rinoa.
* * * * *
What was I thinking? Squall wasn't one to make the same mistake twice. I was probably his biggest mistake. Squall had once told me the reason why he was afraid of getting close to anyone or thing was he was afraid of loosing it. Afraid if putting himself too much into something and then loosing it all, looking back at the past three years I thought maybe Squall had it right in the beginning.
I had my hand on Squall's doorknob about to leave his room when I felt a great jolt. Falling down on the ground I got back up a little shaken. "What In the world could that be?" I said right before Cid's announcement came on. After hearing what Cid had said I fell back down on the ground and not because the ground was shaking, but at my own devastation.
Galbadia was attacking the garden; Seifer was attacking Squall, both where because of me. This couldn't be happening I was sorceress I wouldn't allow it. Realizing suddenly how little I could do about it made me feel small and powerless.
The doors to Squall's room suddenly flew open and Galbadia soldiers stormed in.
"You're coming with us Sorceress," one of the soldiers said, but just then another voice spoke broke in,
"Over my dead body," It was Squall. After quickly taking out the soldiers Squall runs to me.
"Squall"- I began, but was interrupted by the man whose name I just called.
"No, time for kind words I got to get you out of here!" Grabbing my arm he pulls me to the doorway of his room. Peaking around both corners he indicates to me with the glare of his eyes that it was clear. We continued forward making it all the way to the main entrance when an all too familiar figure broads over us.
"Oh aren't you two a darling couple," the voice of Seifer snarls. Before Squall even had time to react Seifer throws a sleeping powder on the both of us. With my last sight before I fell asleep being the struggle of Squall trying to stay conscious long enough to draw his gunblade I let the blackness of sleep overcome me.
When I told Squall to make the words come from his heart I thought that his heart would be leaning towards me. Instead, and deep down without surprise, it was leaning right at Rinoa the way it always has.
When Squall walked out of the crowd I knew he needed his space so I waited until the SeeD's from other garden had performed before I went to go speak to Squall. As I was leaving the band begun to play and people started dancing I hadn't taken more then a few steps when a student from the Trepies came up to me and asked for a dance. Feeling too awkward to say no I accepted his offer and we danced for one song. Thanking the student for the delightful dance I hurried along looking for Squall. It took several tries before I found him on the balcony, but Squall wasn't all I found on that balcony Rinoa Heartilly was there with him. Once again finding my self cut out by Rinoa I left the balcony back down to the infamous party that I had no desire for. As I stepped back to the quad and watched all the happy people that surrounded me I realized that the only thing that I desired was on that balcony. * * * * *
It was extremely difficult imagining me going back down to the ceremony. Feeling lost I stayed on the balcony looking out into the stars. The night sky at first glance seemed so chaotic and complex, but when you looked close and broke it all down you could somehow see a path through the crazy mass of stars. That's how you made your way through the night sky.
That's what singing the song back in the quad felt to me. With so many emotions going on inside of me I picked a few and made them into my own path. I didn't realize this while I was singing, but when I had finished I had a came into a startling realization to what I had just done and got the hell out of there.
Sighing I looked one more time into the sky I saw a star fly across the horizon. Smiling at the thought that the star brought I turned around. I stepped back with surprise at the sight of Rinoa right there in front of me. Neither of us said anything we just stared right into each others eyes I was surprised at the emptiness that filled her usually vive rant eyes. Having a few more moments of silence pass us by Rinoa was the first to speak.
"Hey, there handsome."
I didn't say anything I was to overwhelm being that close to Rinoa again. She stood there impatiently waiting for me to say something. Finally breaking down Rinoa began to plead with me.
"Squall please I need to hear you say something." For the past three years I needed to hear Rinoa say something too, but now that she was right in front of me and speaking to me I didn't know what I wanted to hear. Having the same feeling I had little while ago back on stage I knew I had to say something. After searching for the perfect words I irritably settled for.
"How are you?"
At my question Rinoa didn't say anything, but instead looked like she was going to brake down. A tear began to roll down her cheek ashamed Rinoa turns away. I not knowing how to react stood there lamely as I always do. She turned back at me wide eyed and angry she asked me in a tone that sounded something like a hoarse whisper.
"Why didn't you come for me?"
Something struck me that I never had thought of before. she didn't know that I did come back. Why would Caraway or Seifer ever tell her I did? In deep thought I didn't give Rinoa an answer which only irritated Rinoa.
"Dammit Squall; I deserve a word from you." Looking at her I knew that I had a great amount of words for her. Unfortunately only the cruel ones came out.
"Why did you never come back?"
"You knew I had obligations."
"You could have gotten away for a day or two?" Rinoa didn't say anything to this. Breaking from our glare at each other I went back to leaning over the ledge and looking up into the stars. I could still feel her penetrating stare. Taking a deep breathe I asked the question that had been tugging at my heart for the past three years.
"So. you and Seifer?" Was my way of asking why? Rinoa walks to the ledge standing next to me not staring at the sky, but at me she says.
"He was around." Not knowing in her answer if her intent was to hurt me or not I said. "Well that's something."
"I suppose." She sighs I could tell she was aching to tell me something, but I felt that it wasn't my place to ask what it was so I waited. She went on "Things don't always turn out the way you thought they would."
"Life sometimes plays like that," I told her.
"I thought life didn't play that it was us that played life." Her tone was sarcastic and the truth behind it was so real. We went quite again not knowing where to take the conversation. I had so many things that I wanted to tell her, but felt too ridiculous to say anything. Speaking of ridiculous Rinoa brought up the song I sang.
"I liked your song," She says.
"It was stupid."
"No, it was really, really good."
"I'm not the one with the musical talent here." Rinoa didn't say anything to my reference to her mother and I wished I didn't say it. After another awkward moment Rinoa lets it pass by and says.
"I thought you would never go up there."
"It wasn't exactly by choice." She smiled at me. I began to ask "So how long are you going"- I was stopped by a familiar arrogant voice.
"Nice performance Squall," Seifer joked, but he couldn't hide his note of resentment. I didn't say anything only looked at Rinoa who seemed ashamed at her fiancée's sudden appearance. Seifer turning to Rinoa says "Cids looking for you in the quad," Rinoa with one last glance in my direction turns and leaves. Seifer and I where left on the balcony alone. Seifer didn't move he seemed to be thinking unusually hard and when he was done he looked like he came to a conclusion that he didn't like. Once this process was done he says to me.
"So you came back."
I looked at Seifer he was trying to pull me into his trap, the same way he used to when we where little. I wasn't going to let him get to me. "Eventually we all go back to something," I told him.
"Wasn't daddy taking good enough care of ya?" Not feeling like I had to justify anything to Seifer I went to leave the balcony Seifer grabbed me by the arm and snarled.
"This is the big stuff Squall. I need her so stay away." I stared at Seifer I needed Rinoa too, but from the look in Seifer's eyes he needed her in a different way. Pulling my arm from Seifer's grip I left the balcony.
* * * * *
I saw the two of them talking and I could feel the jealous serge run through me just like the way it did three years ago.
I interrupted them and after Rinoa left I tried to play with Squall's mind as always it didn't seem to penetrate him, but inside I knew that I must have snagged something. Squall soon after mirrored Rinoa and left the balcony I remained there and did some thinking.
I needed Rinoa, I needed her popularity, and I needed her for my big picture. I did feel something for the girl, but not enough to get in the way of my ambition. The only obstacle I saw in my eyes was Squall. The girl loved that guy, somehow. Squall still had it for her too and that could be dangerous.
I gave in to a deep laugh that echoed into the night air. I'll take care of that obstacle and reach my ambition. Squall Lionheart will never get the best of Seifer Almansy.
* * * * *
I didn't go back down to the ceremony I instead went straight to my dorm where I spent the rest of the night in sanctuary.
The next morning I went down to the quad where I found everyone one cleaning up from the night before. I joined in there efforts setting my thoughts on Rinoa aside. Irvine the first to notice me asked.
"Hey, man where did you go last night? Did you get lucky with some lady?" Everyone laughed except for Quistis and I. I simply replied to Irvine.
"I needed to be alone." No one said anything for I'm pretty sure they knew my reasons. We continued to clean a little later I asked them.
"Are the other gardens still here?"
"Galbadia's garden is still outside ours, but Trabia left early this morning." Quistis told me. I looked at Selphie.
"You're staying?" I asked Selphie who smiles.
"Yap, is that alright?" I let my lips curve into a slight smile and nodded to Selphie. This was my home and these people are my friends I came to the realization as I was throwing something away. Dammit I hate it when Laguna's right.
* * * * *
I enjoyed seeing everyone. Headmaster Cid is such a kind man, but I could feel everyone else's uneasiness towards me. I didn't think it was because I'm a sorceress or even because I'm engaged to Seifer. I think they all held some level of resentment towards me because of what happened between Squall and I. It wasn't only me, but they felt a high sense of loyalty towards Squall. Time had not changed that with them where I think it did towards me. I didn't hold it against them it just made me sad.
That night in bed Seifer and I didn't say anything to each other. I wasn't sure what he was thinking that was making him abnormally quiet, but I sure knew what was keeping me silent. How many times had I thought of Squall? Now he was only 10 minutes away and I yearned to go be with him, but the chains that bound me to Seifer kept me away. I didn't truly understand why I stayed with Seifer. I know why I got back involved with him two years ago, but now I was so miserable and I knew he couldn't be happy either. It burned me that I only was staying for political reasons it made me no better then my father or maybe it was because of him that I was staying, I suppose it didn't matter either way. I felt as if I had to marry Seifer for the people not because I wanted to. I use to care about him very much and I still do done on some level, but the loving feeling faded awhile ago and spite had filled that void. It shouldn't be like that. I shouldn't marry someone for someone else. I needed to talk to Seifer gently I shook him calling out his name.
"What!" he snapped turning to face me.
"We need to talk." I told him.
"Not now we don't." he says and turned back over. I didn't try to turn him towards me again, but I talked anyway.
"Seifer, this isn't the way things should be. This can't honestly be the way you want it." Seifer without turning to me replies.
"It's sufficient enough."
"Love shouldn't have to be sufficient it should be whole."
Seifer getting angry sits up. Not looking at me, but rather the wall he says. "Things are different for us. We have obligations and ambitions that other people don't have."
"That doesn't change what love is and we just don't have that love anymore," I protested.
"Did we ever have it!?" Seifer was yelling now. "Wasn't I always to play second to him!?" I sat there quiet. "Love isn't part of the equation for us. What we have to do is go on and finish what we started and you damn well better stick to it!"
Even though Seifer's tone was frightening I asked him anyway. "Can you live like that?"
"Whatever means I have to do to reach the end I can live with," was Seifer's answer.
Outraged I asked "Is all I am to you is a means?" Seifer didn't say anything he just laid back down. "Seifer!" I persisted, but he remained quiet.
I cried myself to sleep that night. I had made my mind set that tomorrow I was going to talk to Squall.
* * * * *
Irvine was who started it; of course I had to retaliate. I threw the sponge back at him hitting him right on the back, when the sponge dropped you could see the wet mark that it left. From that point it was war everyone was rolling on there backs with laughter. Even I found myself smiling. We finished actually cleaning up later that afternoon. Planning to catch everyone for dinner we all separated except for Quistis and me. We went for a walk around the garden we had just passed the library when Quistis asked.
"How can you tell me you didn't miss this?"
"I never said I didn't," I told her.
"You never say anything. It's only through your actions that anyone can tell anything from you and through your actions you made it seem like you didn't, at least at first."
"I never mean to seem like anything."
"I know. I also know it must have been hard to come back to all this and how hard it must have been to see her again." Quistis' words brought a moment of silence between us which was broken by Quistis when she asked.
"Do you still love her, Squall?" I was taken back by her question. I was too scared to even ask that question myself to have Quistis ask it blew me away. I didn't reply to her questions not necessary because I didn't want to, but because I didn't have an answer. Quistis feeling the awkwardness that her question brought said to me.
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked. I just had seen you guys on the balcony last night and it left me curious." After Quistis explaining herself I still didn't say anything right away. Gathering my thoughts I finally said something.
"It's alright you don't have to apologize."
"It's none of my business I shouldn't have asked." I shook my head at her words.
"No, I finally realize that I'm glad just to have who care enough to ask."
Quistis smiles "You've changed and I'm not just talking about last week."
"That's another thing I realized," I told her "I'm sick of being lonely. I might not be Mr. Socialize yet, but I'm working on it."
We reached the entrance to the garden. Quistis was right on my side we where shoulder to shoulder. I felt extremely uncomfortable being that close to her, but I didn't want to say anything that would come off wrong so I decided not to say anything.
Suddenly I saw someone come charging into the garden. It was a woman who was soaking wet her drenched jet black hair covered her face. When she brushed the hair from her face revealing herself facial feature I discovered that the woman was Rinoa! She was shaking from head to toe and her eyes looked lost as she looked around the garden before spotting me. She didn't move toward me, but remained where she was shaking, she must have been freezing. Tired of waiting for her to come to me I jogged to her.
"Rinoa what do you think your doing?"
"I need," she began then stopped.
Hardly hearing Quistis say "I'll leave you two alone," I studied Rinoa. She was staring hard at me and once again she started to say.
"I need." Once again she had stopped there.
"Rinoa," I said trying to find out what she was wanted to say.
"I can't," was what she said next. I hesitated before rubbing her shoulder in effort to warm her up. With my gesture she collapsed into my arms. I held her tight surprised that it didn't feel uncomfortable at all, but natural.
"Come on," I said nudging her along. "Let's warm you up."
* * * * *
Whenever anything got close between Squall and I she always got in the way. The only person presently who brought him any pain was the person that he loved. He did love her too, the look in his eyes when she saw her, there was no denying it.
The resentment that filled my heart was turning bitter. Maybe I missed my chance with Squall, but I didn't believe that. It was Rinoa who missed her chance and what made me resent her the most was she was the one who was getting the undeserved second chance.
Like we planned we all met for dinner in the cafeteria when Squall didn't show up Zell asked.
"Where's Squall?
"With Rinoa," I told them getting in line for a hotdog.
* * * * *
I laid Rinoa down in my bed covering her with my blanket. She was still shivering with the warm covers on her and I was starting to think that she wasn't shivering because she was cold.
She looked beautiful with her wet hair hanging from her face. I sat down on the side of the bed waiting for her to talk. The first thing she said to me was.
"It was raining."
I smiled swiping my hand through my hair. Rinoa looked at me intently.
"It's been along time since I'd seen you smile," she continued to say "even before." She stopped there turning the conversation around she said. "Thanks for the blankets and everything."
"Not a problem." After I said that we went quiet again. Why was it always like this? When you want to say something so bad, but you can never find the words. Damn words!
"Squall, it was good seeing you last night."
"You too," was all I managed to reply.
"I haven't.I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, have you?
I didn't know how to react towards this. No, I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her, but.
"I have to."
She turns away from me. "I suppose you have to and so do I. I hate the things I have to do!" She cried.
"Being sorceress isn't easy," was all I could think to say. She looks back up at me.
"Squall," Rinoa said her voice was uneasy.
"Yeah?" I asked
"Despite what has happened do you ever wish that things didn't turn out this way?" What I wished was I wish she didn't ask that question. Everyday I wished things would have turned differently, but now she was engaged to Seifer. To me that was it regardless of what I felt.
"At times," I told her then went on "But I know what that would lead to so I try not to."
"Squall, things can't be like this."
"Be like what?" I said confused. She looks from me down to herself.
"Seifer, and I.it's not what it should be." I stand up looking away from her leaning my hands against my door.
"Whatever trouble there is between you and Seifer is none of my business." Rinoa moved so she was standing next to me putting her hand gently on my arm I jerk it away.
"I can't deal with this," I said leaving the room.
* * * * *
She was no where to be found. As much as it disappointed him it didn't surprise him, but nor did it suppress his jealousy or anger. It only gave him the ambition to further his plans of the attack.
Seifer went to the control center in the Galbadia garden his SeeD's where waiting his orders.
"Set course for Balamb garden," he ordered. The Galbadia pilot gave Seifer a queer look.
"What business do you have with Balamb?" The pilot asked. Seifer glares at the pilot.
"Who are you, a pilot, to question my command?" The pilot fearing Seifer's menacing glare set the Galbadia garden for Balamb. With the pilot doing so Seifer walks to the loud speaker clicking it on he announces to his garden.
"SeeD's of Galbadia garden be prepared for battle, where attacking the Balamb garden."
* * * * *
I couldn't let her get to me. Not only could it destroy the world, but it would for sure destroy my heart. Either way I couldn't let it happen. This time Seifer you win.
Somberly I walked down to the cafeteria where I joined everyone in eating hotdogs. I was sure Quistis told them about Rinoa's arrival. Being the fantastic friends that they where they left me alone. I thought to myself as I watched them chatter away that I never told them how truly great people they are. Three years never changed that. I knew they deserved to hear that I just wished I had the open enough heart at one time to tell them. I continued to listen to there laughter.
"Then Irvine thinking the woman was me gave her a great big kiss smack dab on the lips." With Selphie finishing her story everyone roared with laughter. Irvine jokes with Selphie.
"Who said anything about me thinking it was you?"
"Unless you have a thing for fifty-year old Liberians that I should know about..." Selphie put in making everyone laugh even harder and having the effect of making Irvine turn a bright shade of red. Irvine trying to take some of the embarrassing attention off him asked me.
"What are you pondering so hard about over there?" Everyone knew perfectly what I was thinking about so I lamely answered.
"This and that," Irvine gives me a mischievous grin.
"Cheer up old boy things aren't always going to be this complicated." Glaring at Irvine I say under my breathe.
"They are for me." Just then the garden furiously shakes. If we weren't hovering I would have thought it to be an earthquake. A voice suddenly came from the loudspeaker it was headmaster Cid.
"Everyone please remain calm. We are under attack by the Galbadia garden," we all looked at each other while continuing to listen to the headmaster. "I want all SeeD members with even ID numbers to report to the quad. Evens go directly to the front entrance. Students remain in your classrooms. Squall and Quistis report immediately to my office." There was a pause then we heard the headmaster's finishing remarks. "Will the strength of Bahumat be with us all." When we heard the click of the loud speaker turning off Quistis says to everyone.
"Squall and I will catch up with you guys later." She runs towards Cid's office I, however, ran the other way. Quistis turning in my direction yells at me.
"Where the hell do you think your going!?" I didn't answer I only continued my way to Rinoa hearing Quistis' words of frustration as I ran.
"Damn you Squall!" Maybe Quistis' words would be true in the end, but for now at that moment all I knew was Rinoa.
* * * * *
What was I thinking? Squall wasn't one to make the same mistake twice. I was probably his biggest mistake. Squall had once told me the reason why he was afraid of getting close to anyone or thing was he was afraid of loosing it. Afraid if putting himself too much into something and then loosing it all, looking back at the past three years I thought maybe Squall had it right in the beginning.
I had my hand on Squall's doorknob about to leave his room when I felt a great jolt. Falling down on the ground I got back up a little shaken. "What In the world could that be?" I said right before Cid's announcement came on. After hearing what Cid had said I fell back down on the ground and not because the ground was shaking, but at my own devastation.
Galbadia was attacking the garden; Seifer was attacking Squall, both where because of me. This couldn't be happening I was sorceress I wouldn't allow it. Realizing suddenly how little I could do about it made me feel small and powerless.
The doors to Squall's room suddenly flew open and Galbadia soldiers stormed in.
"You're coming with us Sorceress," one of the soldiers said, but just then another voice spoke broke in,
"Over my dead body," It was Squall. After quickly taking out the soldiers Squall runs to me.
"Squall"- I began, but was interrupted by the man whose name I just called.
"No, time for kind words I got to get you out of here!" Grabbing my arm he pulls me to the doorway of his room. Peaking around both corners he indicates to me with the glare of his eyes that it was clear. We continued forward making it all the way to the main entrance when an all too familiar figure broads over us.
"Oh aren't you two a darling couple," the voice of Seifer snarls. Before Squall even had time to react Seifer throws a sleeping powder on the both of us. With my last sight before I fell asleep being the struggle of Squall trying to stay conscious long enough to draw his gunblade I let the blackness of sleep overcome me.