Part I | Chapter 8

They were now in the Land of Wind. After the fight, they had decided to keep moving for the rest of the night and following day. The sun had already set; the rest of the team was still finishing their dinner while Hansuke kept vigilance. His gaze continued to flicker between the night's sky and the tent below him. Gohama hadn't woken up yet. Kisamaru explain there was nothing they could do except wait. The burst had completely crumpled her chakra pathways, which frightened the medic. However, after an hour he was surprised by how quickly they were healing without his help. Still, Hansuke couldn't help but be worried about her health and linger on his own guilt. Knowing he probably wouldn't have acted any differently, if he could go back, made everything worse. He would never have allowed the exchange if it was Nikato offering. His bonds with his students had clouded his judgement as a team leader. All his teammates should be equal and they weren't. He was failing as a team leader. Luckily, things turned out okay, but what would happen in another similar circumstance?

"Since when have you become so shy all of the sudden, Hansuke?" Kakashi asked playfully while clasping his shoulder and giving him a painful squeeze. He sat next to him on the rock.

"Have you been talking to Anko? I wasn't shy, I was more than reasonable."

"You missed a great educational night on snakes."

Hansuke snapped his head towards Kakashi, eyes wide, assessing if he was joking. He was serious. What could the animals even do? He banished the terrifying images out of his mind.

"You're fucked up, Hatake…" he whispered.

"Well… It was during ANBU." as simple as that it was justified.

"Good think we both got out."

"You got out. I'm literally still wearing the uniform."

"You don't have to."

"I do what Konoha asks me to."

"There are things that shouldn't be asked."

"And there are things that shouldn't be said." Kakashi warned him.

"Well, you were the one that disrupted my peace and quiet." his tone was carefree, not accusatory.

"You understand, though…?" Kakashi asked quietly, almost shyly. He did understand. "It's Gohama. That says you're shy."

"What?" Hansuke asked genuinely surprised.

He couldn't understand how she ever thought he was shy. Yes, he had been slightly awkward and uncomfortable around her, but not shy. He tried to be friendly and welcoming.

"She said she couldn't understand the deal about you not making eye-contact. Except when sparring. So she assumed you were shy. Shy." he stressed.

Both started chuckling in amusement. When it died out, a serious quiet settled. Hansuke had had trouble looking into her eyes. They reminded him of things he had tried to move on from for years now.

"They're just… so Kyura…" his rebel voice came in a pained whisper.

"I know…" they let the heaviness of what was said linger. "The team is getting along well." Kakashi joked.

Hansuke gave an exasperated chuckle. "I thought Kisamaru would be bad, but Nikato is even worse. Gohama doesn't care about it, which doesn't help."

"They'll get there. You saw how the Hyuga was concerned about her."

"I hope so. I don't need another dead student. One is too much already."

Kakashi patted his shoulder as a try on comfort.

"I can't see why she did it. Kisamaru has been terrible for her and he's a Hyuga. It would probably be indifferent for her if he died for the mission. Or maybe it's some twisted way of making them respect her."

"Or maybe she did it to save a teammate."

"She doesn't care about us. Why do you think she chose Konoha?"

"Kyura Tsukate maybe. I don't know."

Hansuke turned his eyes to his two students sitting by the fire. Nikato was entertained with Bear's boasting stories. Kisamaru was more quiet than usual. He had those typical too straight, too still pose and too stern expression of when he was dealing with his inner turmoil. Hansuke knew how disturbing the position he had been was. Being used as a bargain chip by the enemy meant death for a village shinobi. Konoha wouldn't surrender the success of a mission for a ninja. Ninja were supposed to give their lives. Also, it put his teammates in the worst dilemma of a shinobi's career. Konoha wouldn't change its priority, but the shinobi that made its military were fallible. If there had been no other option, Hansuke would had given the scroll in change of Kisamaru's life. He was certain of that.

What he wasn't certain of was if he would have surrendered it for Gohama's and that uncertainty was gnawing on him. She deserved more than dying on a mission for Konoha. He chuckled bitterly to himself. That was wistful thinking, if Lin had taken Gohama he wouldn't kill her and every scenario where she wouldn't die was even worse. He turned his eyes back to the tent. When Hansuke had heard Lin's disgusting threat, rage had boiled from his guts onto his skin. Seeing Lin pressing a kunai to Kisamaru's throat, there was mostly dread that froze inside, lingering even when Gohama had taken his place. But those sickening words had stirred something visceral in him, different from the protectiveness over his two students. He now understood what was said about male shinobi being biased towards their female teammates. Biologically men had the role of protecting women, they would always lean towards kunoichi's safety, sometimes in a patronizing way. Reason and training prevented this, but that day he had understood how rooted the instinct was in him. And how foolish it made him. If Kakashi hadn't grounded him, Hansuke would probably have fumed into battle and gotten himself and Gohama killed.

He was being a fucking disaster of a team leader in this mission.

With one final pained sigh, he got himself up and jumped from the rock. It was time to check on Gohama.

The forest was crying. No one was around her but the sound of weeping and shrieking. It smelled of smoke, but nothing was burning. A boy called, one of the voices she had forever saved in her. It filled her with warmth, even with the eerie feeling of the night. She turned to it. She gasped. Fear and pain tearing her. Lin had a kunai pressed to the boy's neck.

"Let go of him!" she shouted.

"If you come to me. I want what you have. Not him."

"No! Gohama-chan, run! Your father told you to run away, your Yukikage ordered you!"

"I can't leave you, Kuni-kun! Not again…"

Gohama started running towards the two. It was too late. When she reached Kunimaru, he lay on the soil, three kunai piercing his young chest. Face blank, ashen dark eyes with no remainder of the humorous glint they always held. Gohama started yelling for someone to help, she turned her gaze from her friend's dead body to her surroundings. She was back at her destroyed Village. Ash falling like a layer of snow. She had let him die again…

"Gohama…"

A man's voice called. But she was alone. The boy that had traded his life for hers, dead beneath her arms and she cried for him as she hadn't cried the first time.

"Gohama."

She woke up with a startle. Her eyes settling on two brown ones.

"What?" she asked urgently, ready for a fight, even in her confusion.

"Everything's fine, you were just having a nightmare." Hansuke whispered.

Gohama tried sitting up but her body was still too sore. Instead, she took a hand to her head and rubbed her temples, trying to make sense of things. She remembered the fighting, the trade and the chakra burst, which had been much stronger than with Inuzuka as to make sure the missing nin died. Considering Hansuke was alive, he had used his earth dome to enclose the Konoha shinobi and protect them from the blast.

"Is everyone alive?" she asked, her voice hoarse.

"Yes, don't worry. The rogue group was terminated."

Those words resonated in Gohama's head. She brought her hands in front of her eyes, examining them carefully. "There's no blood…" she muttered.

"Yes. We cleaned it. I also had to change your clothes." He explained with an apologetic tone.

The words never reached her thoughts. She kept staring at her pale hands, trembling from the aching effort of having them raised above her head. She could still smell the blood and the burning, hear the slicing of flesh and bone, feel the fading chakra signatures until there was nothing left but an empty carcass. She had killed six on the trees and another seven with the energy explosion. Thirteen people in less than an hour.

"…Gohama?"

"Did you say something?"

"I asked if you were in pain."

"No." she lied.

"You did what had to be done." Hansuke reassured carefully.

"I know. I just hadn't killed anyone for a long time." since she had been nine to be exact, during the Massacre. Recovering from the sombre tone, she lightly added "The monastery was rather peaceful."

"We're a day's journey from Suna now. Can you run by tomorrow?"

"Yes. When do we live?"

"It's night already and we'll move out at dawn."

Her brain finally caught up. If they were a day's journey from Suna that meant they had covered about a third of the way while she was out. It was following day's night.

"What?!" she asked "I was out for an entire day?"

"Yes… The chakra burst really took a toll on your body. For a moment, we actually thought you had went kamikaze. Kisamaru was worried about your chakra pathwa—"

"That happens. They go back to normal." she brushed her hands through her face. She turned her head to him "I hope it wasn't Bear carrying me." she joked with seriousness.

Hansuke chuckled. "Don't worry. It was Kakashi and me."

"Not much better then." she teased.

For a moment, they continued lying in their bedrolls, staring at each other. Gohama could see he wanted to say something, but hadn't found the will to do so. She studied his eyes, now brown from the lack of light inside the tent. It was nice to finally be rewarded with eye-to-eye contact.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have let you trade places with Kisamaru. I froze. I couldn't stop you."

"It's okay, I had a plan and it worked."

"But I didn't know that… I… I'm sorry."

There was such shame in his expression, it made Gohama uncomfortable. He was too open for a shinobi.

"What was her name?"

He understood her question right away. "Fukui Ayame. She was fourteen. Too young… It was a B-rank mission. She took a poisoned kunai to the leg. She died when we passed through the gates of Konoha. At least she died at home." he offered a small pained smile.

Dying at home. Gohama hoped she would die in the Land of Snow, however unlikely now that she was a Leaf kunoichi. Her people had died with their home. That was a nightmare to any shinobi.

She kept gazing Hansuke. He now looked like his chakra felt, steady and warm. But there was something more. The way he had shared his grief, so simple and so exposed. His eyes were full of honesty and vulnerability and he accepted them, he had wanted her to see him like this. Gohama marvelled at his easiness. How had he shared this so openly with her?

"I'm sorry." she offered. What could she answer to that? "Thank you for telling me."

"Thank you for saving Kisamaru." he said, giving her arm a gentle squeeze with his large and warm hand.

The physical contact made Gohama even more uncomfortable.

"Night." She turned her back to him and willed herself to go to sleep again, even if it meant another nightmare.

"Goodnight, Gohama."

Her skin could still feel the shadow of a touch. She really wasn't used to people touching her out of spars and battles.

The sun was setting right in front of them. Gohama could hardly keep her eyes open, but at least they would reach Sunagakure during night time. The Village was insufferable during the day. They had been running nonstop since seven in the morning. The sun was as unforgivable as she remembered. Her skin was boiling from the burns and her dark clothes were glued to her from sweating. A month was too soon to go back to the world's furnace. Especially when her pathways were still recovering from the burst. Every movement made her insides prick and her high stamina had been cut to half. She could finally distinguish the camouflaged contour of Sand. That damn dusty brown. Hadn't dozens of kilometres of that boring colour been enough?

When they arrived, someone escorted them to their rooms. Four in total. Bear made an unnecessary joke about sharing his with Gohama. Nothing the group wasn't already expecting. After witnessing her chakra burst, he seemed even more interested and provocative. He was trying to rile her up, that masochistic nut job. He wasn't ANBU for nothing. She ended up sharing the room with Hansuke, since Kisamaru or Nikato were inseparable, especially for her.

"Kazekage-sama requested a meeting with the team leaders tomorrow." their escort informed "And he would like Kyura-san to be present too."

The group turned to her in surprise, expecting some explanation. Gohama had no idea what the boy could want out of her after their last meeting. She shrugged it off, being too tired to give it any thought. Tomorrow she would know. She was leaving for a very desirable bath, when Kisamaru called for her. "Gohama-san."

"Gohama." she corrected and raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"I can heal your sunburns. "

Her skin was scorching, making the heat from the desert even more unbearable.

"No, I'm fine. There's no need to waste your chakra." she waved them off and went to her room.

Unfortunately, Hansuke had beaten her to the shower. She flopped down on the bed, feeling and smelling disgustingly. Her chakra flow was regularizing but still stressed against her damaged pathways. Gohama had learnt this last resort trick with Uncle. Back at the monastery, she had trained for a whole three-month period until it was perfected. It was difficult to push out chakra from every chakra point with such force. The Hyuga had a similar technic, however, due to the different nature of both clans' chakra, the Kyura's came out has a deadly explosion instead of an energy wave. In the beginning, it had been challenging to control the amount of power bursting out of her body. That had caused her to learn her limit by almost killing herself. Uncle had forbidden her to use the technic again. Obviously, Gohama ignored the order and trained in secret until she mastered it. Now, regulating the explosion's potency was no problem for her. However, it was still a ruthless, last resort jutsu and her aching body was all too aware of that. Nothing a relaxing bath wouldn't ease.

"Hurry up, princess." Gohama called, pounding on the bathroom door, which gust open and her fist ended up clashing with a damp naked chest.

"All yours, heiress." he replied with a playful smile.

Gohama pulled her hand onto her pocket and turned to fetch her clothes and bath products. As she searched through her pack, Hansuke leaned on the wall, a hand securing his towel, while the other arm was crossed through his chest. His front and arms graced with scars from a shinobi life.

"Are you going to stand there half-naked?"

"I can get dressed in front of you, if you want."

Gohama stood up and turned to him. "I'm good, thanks."

He placed two fingers under her chin and tilted it up. "You have freckles."

She was quick to swat his hand away, uncomfortable with his touch. At least the sunburn was efficient at hiding her blush. He was strangely cheeky.

"It's from the sun." she left for the bathroom.

"Why didn't you accept Kisamaru's healing?" she stopped by the doorframe "The colour suits you, but it has to be painful."

"A waste of chakra."

"Though you look like a lobster," Gohama snorted at the comparison "it would take almost nothing. It was peace offering. Why didn't you indulge him?"

Gohama turned towards him and crossed her arms. "It wouldn't solve anything."

"You're attitude certainly isn't helping."

Outrage started raising from Gohama's chest. She had just exploded her chakra pathways for a teammate and she was the problem.

"My attitude?" she hissed "What is my attitude, Hansuke?"

"You act superior an—"

"I am superior. I didn't chose to be superior but I am."

"We are all equal. We're a team."

"We are not a team. They pushed me here because there was nowhere else to put me. Nikato is right. I'm taking a place that doesn't belong to me, but there's nothing I can do about it."

Hansuke started taking menacing strides towards her. "That's not true. The place belongs to you." Gohama would be much more involved in the speech, if there wasn't a half-naked perfect shinobi body shoved into her vision field "It was assigned to you, Gohama. Ayame is dead, you're our teammate too. So, please, be a teammate to us."

"Say that to your other students, sensei." she spun around and shut the door.

Gohama leaned her back against the door, brushing a tired hand through her face. She wasn't used to this relationship drama, it was wearing her out. Everything was so incredibly simpler back at the monastery, back in Snow. She missed being lonely alone, she missed feeling the freezing cold, she missed the cedar forests, she missed Uncle Tsukate.

Gohama let her back slide and her bottom fall to the floor. For the first time since she left Snow, her heart yearned for her life there. She had silenced the ache of change, she had pushed through it, she would keep on pushing, but, just for a while, she let herself go. The sadness of missing was breaking through her. When it came to the absence over her dead Village, it translated in either emptiness or anguish. Now it was sadness. It felt new, paler.

Uncle would know what to say to comfort her. Even his silent presence was enough. What would he be doing? Definitely worrying about her. Taking those quiet brooding walks across the gardens. She used to tease him about that, but it helped him cope with the loss. Gohama had never learnt how to cope with it. She just took its weight head on and kept pushing through. One day she would be crushed. Gohama knew that, she accepted that. It just would not happen before she achieved her duty. Her duty. The reason why she had left the monastery. Her purpose was to be here and endure all this chaotic drama.

"Gohama…" Hansuke called through the door "I know you didn't choose to be su—I know… What I said about your attitude, it was wrong. It's just… I don't understand you. So, help me understand you. I'm trying to make the team work, to make things easier… I'm sorry."

She didn't want to be understood. She just wanted people to leave her alone while she completed her missions and trained to be a better kunoichi. Every interaction was out of pure necessity. Gohama hadn't come to Konoha for lame socialization or relationship making. Everyone she loved and would ever love was dead. The only exception was back at the Land of Snow.

She raised herself from the floor and got ready for the so desired cold bath. She couldn't take smelling sweaty any longer. Looking at herself in the mirror, she recognised she did look like a lobster. A red strip painted her cheeks and bridge of her nose, another her exposed collarbone and the last her midriff. The worst part was her arms. She leaned closer to her reflection. Yes. Freckles. Gohama chuckled to herself. Naked, the differences in skin tones made her look completely ridiculous. Damn Wind desert.

"Hansuke-san, Kakashi-san." Gaara greeted with a polite nod, they bowed. He looked to Gohama and gave her a small smile. "It's a pleasure to see you again, Kyura-san."

She smirked as the two Leaf shinobi's heads turned to her, both with a raised eyebrow.

"You too, Jinchuriki-sama." Hansuke choked on his gasp. Gohama gazed through the small round windows "I see you didn't take up on my decor advices. Everything's still a dusty brown."

Gaara's eyes also turned to his familiar Village. He gave a shy chuckle. "Unfortunately it wasn't accepted by the council. They're very traditional." he looked back at her "I see the Wind sun hasn't been kind to your Snow skin. I'll have someone give you a balm for sunburns after the meeting."

Gohama nodded in thanks.

"I asked you to be present as an appreciation for your termination of the missing nin gang. They were becoming a small hassle to communities around our border with Fire. The group expected the scroll to contain both Suna and Konoha's dealings with our borders. I will thank your Hokage as well. You are welcome to stay another resting day."

"That won't be necessary, but thank you, Gaara-sama." Kakashi answered with a small bow.

"When do you plan to leave?"

"After lunch-time."

Gaara nodded in recognition. "Kyura-san, it is good to know politics didn't leave a bitter air between us. How has Konoha been treating you?"

Gohama offered him a sweet smile. "Perfectly well. The people are very kind and the shinobi extremely competent."

"I see. I hope Tsunade-sama has also cleared the air after our last meeting. Things went a little overboard, wouldn't you agree, Kakashi-san?"

"There is nothing to clear. A kage must protect their Village. Wouldn't you agree, Kazekage-sama?" Gohama intervened before Kakashi could answer.

"Most definitely. But even a kage must recognise his or hers missteps. Even if a new subordinate overlooks them and the duty to her own hitai-ate."

"What's your point?"

"Fire melts Snow."

"And from this comes water, which seems to be lacking in your country." she commented nonchalantly "Have a nice day, Kazekage-kun."

Gohama made an accentuated bow and left, soon the other Konoha shinobi followed. She was fast in walking out of the Kazekage tower, but never breaking her indifferent exterior. Gaara had had the audacity of recruiting her again in front of other Leaf nin. He had bickered over Tsunade, he was trying to find weak spots on her liaison with Konoha. He was just a boy, really, playing a risky grown-up game. Leaf and Sand relationships had been strained since the Chunin exams a year ago. How could he be bold enough to disrespect the Leaf with alluring her? If Gohama decided to accept, there would be no more cooperation between Villages. Why was her Kyura name so important for influence moves? It was just a name, it held no actual power anymore. Maybe they still thought she was the ten-tailed jinchuriki. Maybe Gaara was betting on that as Tsunade had done.

A hand grabbed her arm and spun her around. "What?"

"Stop ignoring me, Gohama. What the hell was that?" Hansuke asked. She had never seen him so infuriated with her.

"Two people catching up."

"Can't you be serious? Do you have any idea of how disrespectful you were to the Kazekage?"

Gohama gave a scornful chuckle and broke from his hold. "Were you even in that damn room? He insulted your "she pocked his chest with a finger" Hokage's actions."

"I know that, but calling him Kazekage-kun doesn't help Konoha's already difficult diplomacy with Suna, with which you shouldn't be messing around."

"Gods, Hansuke, you didn't get shit of what was going on there… I defended Konoha's position, however unlikely that is for everyone!"

"Of course, it's unlikely! You're always bickeri—"

"I'm a Leaf ninja. No one recognizes it, not even the Kazekage, but I am one. It's my duty to protect the Village. It's my duty to protect my comrades. That's everything you need to understand."

Gohama disappeared in a swirl of snowflakes that quickly melted in the hot air of Suna. Hansuke watched them glide and fall. She had to reference his little speech to a muted door last night. Was that the only thing to Kyura Gohama, duty? Did she trade places with Kisamaru for duty? Could there even be blind duty without bonds? She resented the Village; how could she pledge herself to it so indifferently?

Hansuke turned to Kakashi and mumbled, "Thanks for the help."

"I wouldn't have sided with you. She is right, you didn't get shit of what was being said in that "meeting"."

"Then explain it to me…" he asked exasperatedly.

"Gaara was fishing for weaknesses."

"What? What weaknesses?"

"Between Gohama's and Konoha's relationship."

"Wh—"

"Suna wants her. They already tried to recruit her during the Exams and she declined their offer. A good offer after we, Leaf, fucked with her. She lied about us treating her well, she lied about her opinion over Tsunade's misstep, because Suna knowing these would only show weakness. She's the last Kyura. Gohama is a great political asset for us. So," he started with a playful tone "please, try not to annoy her too much, Hansuke.

That girl was wearing, intriguing trouble.

"I… I thought after she saved Kisamaru things would get better in our team. But they didn't… I honestly don't think they ever will. You should be the one training her."

"I chose your team for a reason. Give yourself a little credit and Gohama too."

"We both know why she's here. In a year, I won't be able to teach her anything more. She'll search for it somewhere else. In Konoha or out. You could teach her all your jutsu. You're the only one in Konoha that can keep up."

"My students don't seem to think so." Kakashi said with a dry laugh "I didn't put her in your team just for that. Tsukate sent her here because he thought she could find a home. I could never show her that."

"You're the one not giving yourself credit, Kakashi. You were a great Taicho to me when I was a lost boy trying to prove my worth."

"You remember things differently than I do." he sighed "I'm not the welcoming type. I'm the indifferent, aloof, entertaining type. Good for a good laugh, a good fight and a good fuck."

"Just because let yourself."

Kakashi didn't answer him. Hansuke patted his shoulder, he knew what his reasons were.