PART II | Chapter 5

The "around" turned into weeks. Gohama had missed most their team trainings. Each day she had decided whether to go or not and each day she had left Hansuke a note on his kitchen counter, right beside his coffee. The thing about being able to sense people's chakra from hundreds of meters away was that it was easy to avoid them. When any of them, including the Jonin group that hanged around Hansuke, entered her sensorial camp, she could simply walk in the opposite direction and they would never know.

Why had Gohama been avoiding her team for a week now? She had to make a decision and for that she needed to distance herself, to be able to look from an outsider's perspective. Otherwise, she wouldn't be able to make a rational, objective decision. Her sentimentality was already meddling with things emotions should not pry in. Like duty. Duty was certain. Duty was clear. Duty was right. Gohama had been raised for duty, her life had been edified for duty. Nothing she had ever done or had ever decided had been out of the path of her duty. And it terrified her to feel vulnerable and manipulated by her feelings. It made her weak. Weakness always bred in her bursts of deep self-loathing. So, she moped around Konoha, between the Hokage Mountain, a secluded training field, her bedroom's window sill or her bed. And this moping made her feel even weaker. Then, she would train until exhaustion and feel even weaker because she couldn't reach the skill she aspired to. Then, she would drink just enough to numb. Then, she would feel pathetic for such a lowly escape and even weaker. Moping, training, drinking. Then, by the end of the first week, the drinking had started getting heavier and the next days a wave of loathing and tiredness had pinned her to her bed, her bathtub and her couch.

Gohama was pathetic. She felt so shameful, so unworthy of being the Kyura's heiress, the Arms' survivor. But it was never enough, it was never enough to give her the much needed push to break out of the cycle. It only seemed to suck her deeper into her own misery. At the monastery, Uncle helped her get back to her senses. Even when she wouldn't let him, he always seemed to be present, beside her. She missed him so brutally, a part of her had stayed back with him, in Snow. A too big of a part. She had promised herself to leave and leave fully. This was one of the reasons she had broken contact with him. Writing would only bind her more to what she had to leave behind. Why had such large piece of her stayed without permission? Why couldn't she find it back and glue it together to the other shards. There were too many holes in her, too many lost shards. Nothing filled them and she didn't want them filled. Filling was replacing and replacing was forgetting. Her duty was too remember and her love was to keep on loving. It hurt too much. But that was her duty, that was her burden.

Gohama felt the bouncy chakra signature walk towards her apartment building. It was time to hide her chakra. She brought the glass of scotch to her lips, one side of it warm because of the fire. The temperatures weren't low enough for her to feel cold, but she enjoyed the heat from the fireplace seeping into her side, while she sprawled on the couch. The ceiling was always the same white and still she couldn't stop staring. By now, it was starting to spin a bit. There was a darker little splotch of dirt and Gohama just stared at it, spinning around in the blurry white paint.

A knock came on the door. They had been coming for the past days now, always alone, Nikato, Hansuke and even Kisamaru.

"Hey, Gohama! Gohama!" Nikato called cheeringly "Me and Kisamaru are going to Ichiraku's for lunch. Wanna come?"

When she didn't answer other knocks sounded. "I guess you're not home…"

The sound of something sliding down the door on the wooden floor filled the empty room. He always left notes for her, even if he knew she was there. The chakra signature moved down and away and Gohama didn't bother releasing her chakra again.

Another knock came on the door. Gohama opened her eyes. She must have fallen asleep because the white ceiling was now greyish from the night's dusk. The stain kept on spinning. It was Hansuke this time. It really hurt her to feel his steady earthy chakra.

"Gohama… please… please just answer, just talk to me. One word. Or maybe your chakra." he must have leaned his head on the door because there was a thud hitting the wood "Why did you stop coming to training? I thought you needed space, but this is different. You even stopped warning me about it… I just need to know you haven't made the deal with Danzo and left for ANBU or Root, or haven't gotten yourself killed. So, just say something or I'll break in." they both knew he couldn't unlock her seals "I'm really worried, Gohama. And I'm trying… What do you want? I'll do it. Just open the door, please. I asked you not to disappear and you're disappearing…"

If he would just shut up, maybe things wouldn't hurt so much and she wouldn't hate herself so much. Maybe if they just stopped coming and forgot all about her, she could leave for Danzo peacefully, without any of her weak, spoilt, childish shit.

She heard him slid down against the door. "You can sense my chakra. So I'll just stay here. Maybe you'll open the door."

And he stayed. Each wave of his chakra both piercing and comfortable. Gohama went to her room, but even there she couldn't run from the sense of his life's energy. His company made the night more unbearable. She didn't understand why, but it did and she was tearing apart. She took small, hesitant steps towards the door and slid down against it. Now he was soaking into her. She picked up the small note Nikato had left.

«We're waiting for you at Ichiraku's!» With a sketch of Kisamaru devouring ramen, noodles flying everywhere. She flung it in the air and it landed beside the other ones on her coffee table.

"Go away."

She scorned at her hoarse and frail voice from the alcohol and being silent for so long. A voice perfect for her.

"Gohama…" he called with relief.

"Just leave me alone."

"Let me come in. Just for a second."

"No."

"Gohama. Just indulge me." when she didn't answer he added "It's been weeks, Gohama. I'll have to report it to Tsunade-sama."

"Hansuke…" she pleaded.

"Then let's talk. I at least need to understand what's going on."

"Okay. Talk."

"Like normal people." he repeated the words from that day "Face to face."

She stood up and pressed her hand against her door, sending a small pulse of chakra. The seals unlocked and she opened it, careful to leave and close it again behind her before Hansuke could walk inside. Gohama focused on the zipper of his flak jacket, with crossed arms, and waited for him to start the talk. Instead, he took a step closer to her and tucked one of her braid's loose tresses behind her ear. Then, he cupped her cheek with his large, warm and painful hand. He coaxed her to look at him. Why did his eyes had to be so achingly caring? Her chest was tightening until she couldn't hold it anymore.

"Stop. Please." her throat could barely make the words sound.

Hansuke offered her an understanding smile and let his hand fall away. "You stink of whiskey, you know." he said lightly, no judgement in his voice. "What's going on, Gohama?"

"Nothing."

"This is not nothing."

She shrugged. "It'll go away. It always does."

"Can I help it go away?"

She silently pleaded for him to take her back to Snow, to Uncle Tsukate, to her dead family.

"I don't think so."

"Maybe I can. But you'll have to let me stay the night." he said with an alluring smirk. When she didn't joke back at him, his smile disappeared. It pinched her. "So will you?"

"So you can take advantage of me? I don't think so." she tried.

His expression lit up slightly. "Then I'll take you to my place."

"How is that supposed to protect my virtue?"

He smiled at her. "Now seriously, Gohama. I'll sleep on the couch, just le—"

"No. You'll snoop around."

"Then I'll really have to take you to my place."

"I'm good here."

"Just for one night, please. Now that I got you out of the house, I can't let you back in."

If Gohama accepted it, then maybe he wouldn't come around anymore. Honestly, she was too exhausted to fight with him. The constant feel of his presence would be wearing, but he'd probably camp outside her door, if she said no. Then, even her neighbours would start bothering her.

"It's already like 1 am, so it's not too bad. Only half a night really."

"Only if I can take the bed."

Hansuke's lips widened in a childish grin, the same a kid would make when allowed to eat sweets before dinner. He grabbed her by her waist and then they were at his place.

When she left the steamy bathroom for the bedroom, there were some clothes laid out on the bed. In his haste to get her out of her house, they had forgotten about a change of clothes. Gohama only needed a new shirt, it felt too intimate to wear anything else, especially because she wouldn't be wearing underwear. She pulled Hansuke's jonin uniform sweater over her head and brought the collar to her nose. It smelled like him.

"Hansuke?" she called through the crack of the door.

"Yeah?"

"Do you have a comb or a brush I could use?"

"Bathroom vanity."

"Where do you want me to put the towel?"

"Just leave it on the bed."

Gohama went onto the challenging task of untying her hair knots. She sat down on the bed and started the painful pulls. Hansuke decided to lean against the door and entertain himself with her struggle.

"You need conditioner." she whined, which was followed by a wince.

"Why? Do you plan to stay here long, Gohama?" he teased her.

"Your lady friends would appreciate it."

"If I had any."

Gohama sent him a sceptical look that only made him more amused.

"Here, let me help you." he went to take the comb out of her hand.

"What? No. You're not combing my hair." she said as they fought for it.

"Don't be difficult, Gohama."

He won over the combing piece and carefully started unlacing her dark locks. Except one or another harsher pull, for which he was fast to apologise, it felt soothing to have him brush her hairs, feel the gentle movements on her scalp. She closed her eyes.

"Did your mother brush your hair?" The sudden personal question made her tense. "I'm sorry I di—"

"No, it's okay. And no, usually it was my nanny who brushed my hair, helped me get dressed, things like that. Koroko-san… she was the only one besides my parents that could get me to behave."

"So you've always been this cheeky. You're hopeless then…" he joked.

"Utterly." She whispered quietly.

Hansuke brushed a few final times and patted her head with playful condescending. He didn't get a reaction out of her so he simple added that there was tea waiting for them in the kitchen. She drank hers quickly and he followed her pace. The exhausting tiredness was settling in her spirit again. The bath had been refreshing, but it was not enough, it never was. She hoped she would fall asleep fast and have a dreamless night.

Back in his bedroom, Hansuke started laying a futon on the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm not sleeping in hardwood floor."

"Good thing you have a bed then."

"Gohama, I don't thin—"

"We share a bed in missions all the time, we even shared a bedroll."

"It's different."

"Why? Because it's your bed? Don't be such a prude, Hansuke. I'd feel bad if you took the floor in your own house."

So, they lay down as they always did. Hansuke on the left side, because that was the side he liked to sleep in. His back turned towards Gohama, because she couldn't sleep face to face with people. Neither one of them tussled much in their sleep. He fell asleep in instants and had a trained sense that would only wake him up in dangerous circumstances. Otherwise, he was dead to the world. Gohama took a long time to fall asleep and woke up easily, especially due to variations in chakra signatures around her. She had become used to her team's after the first month of sleeping bunched together inside a tent, so she no longer sprung up with an alarm startle with every movement.

She was laying on her back, motionless, letting the weight fully crush her. The time before falling asleep was always the worst. Her mind ran freely and dangerously with nothing to focus on except the white spinning ceiling. She was still drunk. This time it decided to fall on Hansuke. Now, Gohama could understand why he had been reluctant about sharing his bed with her. It was intimate. She was smelling of his shampoo and soap, wearing his clothes, with no underwear, rolled up in his sheets, with him sleeping next to her, in his tight shirt that glued to the relief of his broad back. Everything was Hansuke, from the smell of his bed to the sound of breaths, to his chakra piercing through her. The same ache from when he had come to her apartment, or when he had cupped her cheek was now clenching her chest. Gohama felt foreign. She felt like a burden.

Gohama turned on her side to study the darkened contour of his back. Why did Hansuke want her here? Maybe he didn't even want it. He was probably doing this out of duty for a teammate, or to convince her not to accept Danzo's deal. Or did he care? Could he actually freely care about her? What did he think of her? How did he see her? Since when had she cared so much about what Hansuke was to her? She had never questioned it, he was her teammate, her team leader and was there. But it was different from Kisamaru and Nikato, from Kakashi. It was different and, as she lay on his bed, in his home, with him next to her, watching his back, that difference had never unfolded itself so relentlessly, so terrifyingly. And again that new ache and familiar foreignness.

She had an urge to lay her hand on the space between his shoulder blades. His chakra was already overwhelming her senses, but she could have it running through her own pathways. Steady, earthy and wet, with a touch of burning warmth. Comforting and aching. It had never ached before to sense it, so why now?

Gohama turned back to stare at the ceiling. She needed to stop and blank her thoughts, will her mind to sleep. She should never have accepted coming with him. Her misery was better wallowed in isolation. Loneliness was more tolerable when alone. She was too aware of the abyss separating the both of them. An abyss she would keep on digging because it was safe and reasonable, even if every cell in her hand wanted the warmth of his skin pressed against them.

There was already light coming through his wooden blinds. Hansuke carefully turned his head to his right side. Gohama was still sleeping. He knew it had probably taken her a long time to fall asleep, it always did. At least she looked rested now, even if the skin under her eyes was an angry purple, the most he had seen in her. She was beautiful. He had missed her these past few weeks. It felt natural to have her sleeping next to him on his bed. Very intimate, but he liked that, even if he knew Gohama wasn't really there. She rarely was. Her being stretched between the past and the future, but never the present. She was either trapped in her life in the Arms or her mission of avenging the Arms. Was it selfish of him to want her here?

A smile formed on his lips, he was glad she had let him at least try to take care of her. Still, he had forgotten how much it hurt to see someone he cared about go through this. Just looking at Gohama both warmed and tore at him, there was such affection he thought he might burst from it, and at the same time a compassion that wounded deeply. But he didn't mind it, he would take all her weight with him if she let him.

This was it. It had to be it. Hansuke could now understand how his father had left Kumo so promptly. The men from the Harada clan and their devotion to their women. It filled his heart and rushed into all of him, it was chaotic and calm, fierce and tender.

He silently gave himself to Gohama. Hansuke was hers.

He fought the urge to trace the arch of her cheek and softness of her lips. She would startle awake even before he could touch her. So, he stayed beside her a few moments, just to revel in her presence, and carefully got out of bed.

There was a new wonderful purpose in his life that filled him with a joyful, almost giddy, energy. He finished his report and left for the Hokage Tower.

Iruka was thankfully the one receiving the reports.

"Hansuke…" he complained "this is very late."

"Come on, Iruka, can't you help a fellow teammate?"

He extended his hand with a displeased expression. Hansuke gave him his best apologetic smile and promised he would buy him a round of drinks next time. He was ready to leave when Iruka called behind him. "Have you seen Gohama, lately? She hasn't come to Ippon for some time now or anywhere really." his tone betrayed his worry.

Why did Iruka had to be so soft-hearted sometimes? Gohama wouldn't want people to pry around, even if with a good intention, but they did. Starting with himself.

"She's been going hard on her training."

"Um, okay. Then tell her we're waiting for her this Friday."

Iruka obviously hadn't fallen for it. After two years on the same team, they knew each other too well.

"Who's we?"

"Mostly me, Kotetsu and Genma."

Hansuke now understood what that stabbing pinch in his chest was whenever his friends became too friendly with Gohama, jealousy. A proud wave made him slightly irked with his unreason. Iruka was just friendly, Kotetsu he had no idea, and Genma just liked to mess around. Hansuke doubted the last one actually meant most of his flirting, it was only his way of interacting with anything non-male. Still he was jealous, but at the same time glad the guys enjoyed Gohama's company. And why wouldn't they? She could hold her liquor better than any of them, she had a sharp tongue that was fun when directed to others, and was uncomplicated with them.

"I'll tell her."

With this, he turned around and left the room. He was on his way out of the Tower to get some take-out breakfast. The day was cold and pale. Hansuke knew Gohama liked those days best. Cold with a pale blue sky. Maybe it would make her feel better.

When he arrived home, he sensed her still on the bed. He dropped the food on the kitchen counter and went to the bedroom. He leaned against the doorframe, watching her with a pillow over her head and pretending to be sleeping.

After a few moments, a muffled groan came from the lump on the bed. "I can't sleep with you staring at me." she mumbled.

"You're not sleeping, Gohama."

"With you there I'm not."

"Breakfast is getting cold."

"I'm not hungry."

"You can make me company."

"Hansuke…"

"Gohama…"

"Just let me sleep…" she begged "please…"

Her pleading tone was the same as the night before, when she was asking him to go away. Gohama never pleaded. It was tearing at him. Maybe if he could push her a little it would help. Let him take her on the first step. Hansuke went to her side of the bed.

She groaned again. "What do you want?"

The worst that could happen was a bruised face. He lowered himself to her and grabbed her by the waist, hosting her onto his shoulder. Now he had to move quickly. Gohama broke in a series of outraged demands and hits to his back. He didn't answer, he just kept on striding towards the bathroom. His grasp tightening on her thighs, as she was almost getting loose. But before she could, he dropped her on the shower and opened the tab. Now she would definitely have to shower. She glared at him with murderous eyes, while the running water dampened her hair and clothes. But they were dull, a stale green. There was nothing behind the glare, no substance and no colour.

He pulled a bottle from his pouch and threw it to her. "Your conditioner. I'll leave some clothes on the bed."

Then he left before Gohama could turn that frightening gaze into actions. The worst that could happen now was Gohama leaving and completely shutting herself out again. She could choose to go with Danzo. Not Danzo. Not ANBU. Why would she listen to them? It was hard fulfilling duty when dead. Maybe, Hansuke hadn't thought his little push through. With a growing apprehension, he laid a sweater and shorts with an adjustable elastic on the bed. Gohama hadn't put on his pants yesterday, so she probably preferred shorts. He then went into the kitchen to set a table for two and Kakashi was waiting for him there, sitting at his dining table, Icha Icha in opened in one hand.

"Is Konoha being attacked?" Hansuke deadpanned, while taking two plates from his cupboard.

"Not that I'm aware."

"Smelled a free breakfast all the way through the Village?"

"Already ate."

"I see." he hummed with fake pondering and couldn't help but smile. "She's taking a shower."

"Who?" Hansuke gave him an unimpressed glare and Kakashi turned his eye back to his book "How's she doing?"

"Not great."

"Do you think it's because of Danzo's deal?"

"It may have started like that, but I think it's more now."

"I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. I'm surprised she can even be functional."

"Yeah… she's strong…"

Hansuke didn't need to glance towards Kakashi to know the expression twisting his one visible eye. It was the same as his. They didn't need to look at each other to let their complicity strain them. Hansuke had tried to escape it. He couldn't, he wouldn't escape anymore. He stared at Kakashi, forcing him to look back. He did for a second, his weight was even heavier than Hansuke's, no matter how much he tried to hide it. Then, he was gone in smoke. Hansuke supported his head on his hands, brushing through his hair like some useless cathartic gesture. The breakfast was getting cold and Gohama was taking too long. He confirmed if it was her chakra he was sensing. It was. She was still here.

Gohama had her feet propped up against the wooden post of the porch, her right arm dangling over the edge of it and sliding through the overgrown weeds. It was a beautiful winter day, in Snow it would have been borderline autumn weather. A soft cold with no wind and a clear sky. All that was missing was snow covering the ground and rooftops and it would be perfect. But she couldn't feel it. She loathed when she couldn't feel the beauty of things. They became bland and empty, bringing nothing with them. Gohama desperately needed the sky to bring her something, anything to mask the hole eating her inside. Not even the timid light of the sun could warm her skin.

She was growing worried. Even her chakra had become flat. How could she be a genius kunoichi with flat chakra and no drive? She couldn't, but she also couldn't break away from it. It was becoming gradually heavier, but that was it. There was no burst, no release, just the infinite build-up of void. And it was never alone, there was always grief and guilt. Neither working on making her break out. She should have stopped the cycle when it started. Gohama always knew when it was starting, but could never stop it in time. Weak, pathetic her.

"How aren't you freezing?" he asked with almost outrage.

"This is picnic-weather."

"Of course." he chuckled "I brought tea."

He handed her the mug and sat down behind her head. After a few seconds of hesitation, he lifted her head up, scooted closer and laid it on his thigh. It was more comfortable than the wooden floor, also warmer. His closeness wasn't so painful anymore.

"So you have picnics with this cold in the Land of Snow?"

"Mm. Also hunting."

"Hunting?" Hansuke asked with genuine interest "Is it common?"

"For shinobi. It's good for training awareness and stealth. Wild animals are very sensitive to sound, smell, light and chakra more or less. Today would be a perfect day actually. Snow hunting is better for training chakra control to the feet."

"Did you do it alone or with a group?"

"I prefer hunting alone, by far. Well… except with Father, when he had time. Father was the one that taught me…"

It wasn't as aching to share that with him anymore. Hansuke started brushing her hair with his fingers. The touch soothed her and she closed her eyes.

"What weapon do you use?"

"Bow and arrow, always."

"We can go one of these days. You could teach me."

"That would be nice." she hummed.

Hansuke continued with his gentle strokes through her hair until the sun was down and he started shivering from the cool night air. They went inside through the living room's doors. Gohama stopped and let her eyes study the scarcely furnished room. There was a couch and television on the farthest end, on this end there was a low table with cushions.

"I've just realised I've never actually been in your living room."

"Really?"

"I guess when we come it's mostly for meals and we just stay at the dining table."

She saw that one of the walls was decorated with frames. The first to catch her gaze was their team photo that Hansuke had forced them to take after their first mission. Hansuke was squeezing Gohama and Nikato by the neck with each one of his arms. She had a self-satisfied smirk and Nikato his pre-make-up irked glare. The photo had been shot right after she had just thrown him a provoking comment. Hansuke was showing his best grin and Kisamaru stood in the middle of them, in front of Hansuke, with his perfectly poised, perfectly solemn face. Gohama never did frame it, she just kept it on her bedside table drawer. Her eyes roamed through the rest of the photos. One of their team before Gohama. She could finally match a face to the name. Ayame had been a pretty girl, with blonde curly hair and kind light eyes. That was a shinobi life: to fight and die. Another team picture caught her attention and she actually gaped.

"What? You were Iruka's teammate?"

"Yup."

"And neither of you ever made any comment about it?"

"Why would we?"

"I don't know… It's just weird I didn't know yet. Who're the other two?"

"My sensei is already retired and my other teammate is in ANBU now. Can't really share her name."

She was a young girl with dark purple hair. "Did you enter with her?"

"Yes."

"How old?"

"Barely fourteen. I could only stay two years."

That was young. Hansuke must have always been a powerful shinobi. She continued to skim obliviously over the photographs. Seeing all the life he had had before they met made the abysm separating them even deeper, wider. Then her eyes were captured by another one. She smiled weakly at it. A beautiful woman with dark golden hair held what was clearly adorable baby Hansuke. With an arm around her was a tall and strong man, clearly a shinobi, with dark skin and hazel eyes. He was looking at his child and wife with a moving tenderness and care. They were posing in front of this house.

"That's right in the backyard."

"You were a cute baby. And you're mother was a very beautiful woman."

"She was." he answered softly.

"Why Konoha? Why not stay in Kumo?"

"My mother was from a nomad merchant small family, Giranai. They stayed a few years in Kumo, and before leaving again my mother became pregnant with me in Kumo. My grandfather didn't accept that she stayed with my father, so he left with them. My parents only settled in Konoha when my grandfather died. The Village granted them asylum. They bought this house and my father lived as a civilian. He died when I was four. Kumo spies killed him and tried taking me to Kumo. We were a liability to their Village. I enlisted in the Academy at five, it made me feel closer to my father. After my graduation my mother became very ill and died two years later. I was ten.

"I'm sorry."

He gently stroked her arm through the think fabric of his sweater. It was still enough to make warmth tingle her skin.

"I was lost for a long time after that, but I found my way."

Finding one's away… Gohama had always known what her purpose was, what path to follow, and still she had always felt lost. Even in the Arms she knew what to do and was still lost. It was part of her way of being. She had accepted it.

Again that same weight settled on her chest. She was so tired. Hansuke's calming massages on her hair had actually relieved her for a moment. But it was always just for a moment until everything came crushing through her again.

"Better start making dinner." his voice interrupted her pondering thoughts.

They started making dinner together. Well, mostly Hansuke. Gohama just sat on the balcony, watching him cook, maybe chopping some vegetables. It was a simple meal and soon they were sitting on the table.

"Iruka asked after you. He said Genma, Kotetsu and him were waiting for you at Ippon this Friday."

She played around with her grains of rice. She truly wasn't hungry.

"Didn't know you were getting along with Kotetsu."

She just drank with him and offered a few comments about random things. It could hardly be called getting along.

"What do you want to do this evening?" Nothing. "If you don't feel like going out we can watch a film or something." she really didn't care, she mostly wanted to be alone and it was obvious that wouldn't happen. "Aren't you going to eat?"

Gohama looked at her tossed plate, she caught a bit of rice with her chopsticks and brought it to her mouth. It didn't taste like anything. A cold hand started gripping her throat. She was beginning to freak out for no reason. Out of nowhere terror grew wider and heavier inside her chest. Even her breathing was suffering from it. Why was she so scared? Why had night come with an eerie, dark cloak to smother her? She was fine just then, in that porch.

She couldn't keep down the overflowing anguish anymore.

"What type of films do you like? I have some action shinobi ones that are really funny because they're so inaccurate." he kept on talking, his voice humming in the back of her awareness, with each word a sharper bang straining her fragile mind "You should see the jutsu's they make and the missions, I don't understand how it can all look so stupid. Can't they hire a nin to instruct them or something?" she laid her chin on her hands, trying to control her erratic inner movements "I also have some heavy dramatic ones, the intelec—"

"Stop talking." she interrupted harshly and then pinched the bridge of her nose "That was rude. I just… I think it's better if I go back to my apartment now."

Before she could rise from her seat, he held her hand. "Stay for one more night."

Why did he have to look at her that way? Why did he have to make everything more difficult? She needed to be alone.

"How can you stand this?"

"What?"

"Even I can't stand myself, so how can you…"

"I like being with you, Gohama, that question never crossed my mind."

"It should."

"Okay, if that's what you want, yes, I can stand you perfectly well."

Gohama sat back on the chair, her face covered by her hands. "You're a fool, Hansuke, you don't even know me."

"Of course I know you." his tone low and wounded.

She leaned back against the chair and crossed her arms over her chest. "We've known each other for what? Six months? That's nothing. We've had whole different separate lives before."

Hansuke leaned forward and laid his hand on her knee, which she shoved away with a shake of her leg.

"What's going on, Gohama?"

His voice had a softness to it that made everything more difficult. She didn't know what was going on, one moment she was fine, the next it felt like the earth was burying her deep down and she couldn't breathe.

"I don't know…" she whispered helplessly.

He leaned into her, his strong hands on her hair and back, pushing her to rest against his chest. A lump closed in her throat at his affection. Why did everything had to be so painful to her?

"I can't take it anymore…" she breathed out.

At her words, he started brushing through her hair the same way he had done on his porch. There was little soothing this time. There were neither tears nor sobs. She hadn't been able to cry for so long now. No matter how much she pushed for it, no matter how much her shattered pieces asked for it, she couldn't. There were no comforting words from him. What could Hansuke say to her? Nothing she would hear could mend her brokenness. It was cruel, but it was true. She was beyond healing.

Somehow, they were back in his bed. Her head lay on his stomach and he continued stroking her hair. It was nice. His chakra core was right below her cheek, she could sense with the utmost precision the lively flow of it. The way it circled out through the left. How it dispersed onto his pathways, in a steady, controlled and calm rhythm. The earthiness of it, the wetness, the underlying heat.

Gohama tilted her head up to look at him; she found him looking back at her. The tenderness in his hazel eyes with underlying worry.

"How are you so good at this?" she asked softly.

"After my father died, my mother had a hard time. I learnt how to take care of her."

"You were so young…"

"We're shinobi. We have to grow up fast." His words had no bitterness for the life that had fallen onto them.

With a stable rhythm, he brushed his fingers through her hair. It reminded her of Koroko's gentle brushing of her hair, so many years ago. It calmed her into a quiet, dreamless sleep.

When Gohama woke up the next day, Hansuke was still sleeping. She carefully pushed herself off him and settled at eye level with him. As she watched him sleep, a wave of warmth filled her chest. It terrified her, but she didn't indulge in that. Gohama realised she couldn't leave him, not even for a straight way through her purpose. She would train extra hard, she would drain herself every day, so she could stay in her team. Her team. Fuck Danzo. Her family wouldn't want her to sell herself. At least, of that she was sure. And she trusted Hansuke's judgement and his skill. She trusted him. And her team. Her attachment for them had crept on her.

Maybe it was weak. But now she couldn't care, not when her heart longed as she watched Hansuke's handsome and peaceful face, felt his reliable chakra seeping under her skin. He had a light dusting of stubble. Careful not to wake him, Gohama caressed his cheek and jaw with the back of her fingers. His reddened, slightly parted, lips caught her gaze. She withdrew her hand, fighting the urge to trace them with her thumb. Her own turned into a content smile.

She rose from the bed, renewed resolve pushing her forward. She searched for a piece of paper and wrote a simple "thank you" in it. It was easier for her to leave before he woke up. Another burst in affection made her clear his tossed hair from his forehead and gently press her lips to the warm skin between his brows.