Part III | Chapter 1

A graceful hand dropped to the wooden bench, settling between her naked thigh and his fabric covered one. Her knee kept brushing his knee and the fingers supported on the bench became bolder, the knuckles stroking the fabric of his pants from time to time. Gohama took her scotch to her lips, the glass forgotten against them after she sipped. The hand trailed with resolve onto his leg, the fingers pressing seductively too his inner thigh, fondling a few times and then letting them rest there. Hansuke gave her a charming smirk as response, which only encouraged the hand to move higher up. He left his glass on the table and, with that hand, traced the length of her bare shoulders with small circles and twirls, until his arm was draped around her, pulling her closer to his side.

Gohama could see a few knowing smiles at the couple coming from the jonin in the corner table. Genma was too busy with his own woman, but Kotetsu and Asuma were rather amused watching them. Kurenai had to give each one a kick under the table so they would leave them alone.

Hansuke's mouth neared her ear, the line of his jaw perfectly visible to Gohama, as it slipped onto his corded, lean neck. She had always liked his jaw. Especially after a couple of months of kenjutsu training with him, when she ended splayed on the ground and him hovering over her. The bottom view perfect for appreciating the v-shaped bone and the movement of his adam's apple as he corrected her mistakes. Now, she had a side view as he whispered into her ear, his fingertips trailing paths on her naked thigh, her own hand sliding inconveniently higher on his thigh.

"Gohama? Did you hear what I said?"

She snapped her head back to her company and put her glass back on the table. "Hm, sorry, what did you say?"

Blue eyes tried to follow the path hers had deviated from, but found nothing to settle on. Then they turned back to her with a smile. "I was asking what you are doing this weekend."

Oh no. He had finally gotten the courage to go straight to business. Gohama had gone for drinks with Kisamaru's and Nikato's friend group for a few times now. They were mostly the same people that had been on that dinner in Yakiniku Q, except for the blonde, who had been invited back then with the sole purpose of Nikato trying his luck, which had worked for a couple of weeks. The guys were nice, but Ryu had been trying his own luck with her and it was mostly annoying. He was pretty, too pretty for her, and charming. Only it was that type of cocky charm that didn't charm her. His eyes were stunning, a clear blue framed by thick lashes. Still, not enough to pull her in besides a detached appreciation of beauty. And now, he was finally asking her out and she didn't want to. He was trying too hard to please her and that made him boring. He always agreed with her and laughed at her dry jokes, there was no challenge and no warmth. It was flat.

"A mission probably."

At least, he wasn't dense. He quickly took the hint on her lack of enthusiasm and changed the subject to his own training. Gohama turned her eyes back to Hansuke and the woman he was clearly trying to go home with. She was basically sitting on his lap, now. Didn't Hansuke have any decency? They were all touchy with each other in front of everyone. It was obvious both were interested, why didn't they just leave? It was annoying her, very deeply, indeed.

She turned to Kisamaru, who had probably already noticed her looking. He kept quiet and attentive to everything, which was also annoying. She could always feel his scrutinizing gaze on her, on everything. Byakugan brat.

"Who's that woman with Hansuke there?" she forced her casual, indifferent tone.

"I think she works in Archives at the Jonin Headquarters."

"Hm. They're together or is it just a fling?"

Kisamaru assessed the fondling couple and turned back to his glass of sake with a blush on his cheeks. "Probably a fling. I've never seen Hansuke-sensei with anyone and he has a reputation."

A reputation. Gohama had never seen him leave a bar with a woman and had never heard of it, not even from his usual group of friends at the corner table of Ippon. Maybe in the women's gossip ring it would circle around, but she never did make any connection with any woman. She kept only to her team, who were all boys, and the people who sat at the corner table, who were mostly men, except for Kurenai and Anko. Still, she didn't get along with them enough for gossip.

Maybe she was losing something by being out of the women's circle. Was it weird to only get along with guys? Back at the Arms, she had had no trouble being friends with girls, one of her best friends had been a girl, but she always did prefer to play and train with boys. Maybe Gohama had always neglected her feminine side. She hadn't enjoyed dressing up as a kid because that usually was reserved for boring diplomacy dinners. At sixteen, she enjoyed putting on heels and a pretty dress, but that was also reserved for missions. There was little need to wear fancy, feminine clothes with her social life, or lack of it, in Konoha.

"Do you think it's weird I only get along with guys?" she asked Kisamaru while playing with her glass on the wooden table.

He kept silent for a moment and let out a pondering hum. "I'd never thought about that before. But now that you mention it, I think it's mostly due to the circumstances. If there was a girl in our team, I'm certain you both would get along well." he turned to her with a reassuring smile.

Except it didn't reassure her much. Gohama wouldn't change her ways just to have more girl friends, but there was still the feeling she was missing out on something, something important and natural. Well, now that she thought better, there was nothing to worry about. She was missing so many things considered natural, one more thing wouldn't matter anyway. With that thought, she downed her glass of scotch and asked for another one.

The movement of two chakra signatures, one of them very familiar, made her focus back on the corner table. There was now need to look, she knew well enough where they would be going and so they did, out of Ippon's door. She had thought watching the two publically fondling themselves had made her uncomfortable and, because of that, irked. However, a bitter clench of her guts, as they left together, too close together, had outdid every part of her previous irritation. She had been wrong, them leaving hadn't helped her at all. The loud chatter of the bar muffled the sound of a closing door.

"Yeah!" Nikato yelled with a clumsy fist bump to the air "Hansuke-sensei just got lucky!" Gohama physically winced "Good to know he finally broke his dry spell."

So, Nikato also knew about Hansuke's reputation.

"Kato-kun." she called "It's rather disturbing that you know of your sensei's sex life. And he knows of yours." she added the final comment with a provoking smirk.

Nikato, however, was too drunk to take her bait, unfortunately for Gohama. "Everyone knows." he slurred and looked at the people around their table for confirmation, which they gave promptly "A few years ago Hansuke-sensei was like Genma, maybe more discreet, still everyone knew. Even as genin we knew. It's Konoha, everyone knows everything about anyone's sex life, we're ninja and we live for duty and gossip."

The amber liquid swirled inside her glass. She raised it carelessly, with her elbow propped on the table and her wrist twirling the glass. "Then let's drink to a broken dry spell."

They all downed their drinks. Gohama was ready to hear the challenge burst out of Nikato's mouth, as he filled her glass with sake. "Come on, Gohama. I'll beat ya tonight."

He certainly wouldn't, considering the splotches of red around his cheeks and the slur of his words, still, she wouldn't back out from a challenge. Certainly enough, she ended up dismissing Kisamaru home at the door of Ippon and carrying Nikato home.

The cold night air would help her sober up, along with the physical effort of sustaining the weight of a seventeen-year-old muscular ninja. His feet either stumbled every few steps or dragged through the dirt of the unpaved streets. The civilian district was still a few blocks away from the main night area of Konoha.

For the most part, he was silent, but then he started mumbling as they neared his house. "I'm glad… yo...you're on'our team."

Then he went into a rather sweet rant about her doings in the team, from helping him pick up a girl or beating sense into him or accepting his drinking challenges, he liked when she accepted any type of challenge. She was nice in her own weird, slightly rude way. Then, the speech took a darker turn. He became emotional when he explained how relieved he had been when they found she was okay. (The whole team had chosen to pretend her kidnapping hadn't happened, much to Gohama's relief. Constant pestering about her well-being was tiring.) How he didn't want her to die too. Then, he made her promise she wouldn't die. And she promised. He told her she could talk to him, if she needed to. He was there, if she needed him. Gohama thanked him silently in her heart.

"I ho-hope you'r 'kay… Ya never told us wha' hap...happened. Wha' they… I h-hope you're okay, 'hama."

"I'm okay." she reassured him with a smile, even if he couldn't see it.

She had had some heavy nightmares that had scared her deeply, mostly because her chakra could turn uncontrollable during her sleep. She was used to nightmares, so that hadn't bothered her more than usual. The worst part had been her fidgetiness. Every sound, every movement, every change in the chakra signatures around her made her jolt to attention and summon a kunai. One time, after her morning sword training with Hansuke, they had been resting by a tree. Her eyes closed against the frail warmth of the sun, almost drifting into that state between being awake and asleep. When he had moved slightly beside her. His knee had brushed against her thigh and, instinctively, in an instant, a kunai was in her hand and pressed against his throat. She quickly retreated when realisation dawned on her and turned away from him, shame painting her cheeks red. Hansuke, as always, had been understanding and hadn't pushed her too much, only saying the same as Nikato was slurring now. If she needed, he would be there.

After a couple of months from her torture, her fidgeting had eased and her nightmares about that were almost gone. It was part of a shinobi life to push through. She was okay.

When they reached his home, she jumped onto his bedroom window with Nikato in toll. His parents were civilians and it was easy to leave them oblivious to any of his drunken arrivals. She took off his shoes and his jacket and laid him on his bed, careful to tuck him just how he liked. He had a weird habit of asking her to tuck him in during missions, to both irk her and his own comfort. She only did when feeling particularly indulgent. A few times Hansuke had cast a henge as her and done the job. Nikato's sigh of delight had quickly turned into a yell of horror when Hansuke dispelled the jutsu. It had been followed by their laughter and a series of accusations against their team leader's perversion. Soon after, the requests had become sporadic.

On her way back to her apartment, she glanced over her shoulder to the street that led to Hansuke's home. She hoped he wouldn't forget about their training tomorrow morning.

Training ground nine, at nine in the morning, and Hansuke still hadn't arrived. Gohama had flopped down under the shadow of a tree, trying to ease her headache with the twirling pressure of fingers on her temples. Had she really been that drunk for this much of a hangover headache? Maybe it was because of the sake she had drunk. The mornings after were always worse than with whiskey.

Hansuke was an hour late, which probably meant he had forgotten. His own teammate forgotten over some one-night-stand. She could pull him out of his bed, but there was always the possibility she would see something permanently blinding. The nerve on that man. She remembered quite a few months ago how he had said he didn't have any lady friends. Why would he lie to her about his reputation? It was not as if she wanted anything with him back then. As she still didn't want now. Gohama could admit she was attracted to him, but there was a great leap between that and wanting something. Whatever that something could be.

These stupid, deceiving, highly productive sword trainings. She actually groaned at them. Gohama thought she had sensed a mutual pull, an exciting tension between them as their blades clashed together and they twisted around each other. She thought she had seen affection, chest-filling affection, in his smiles and eyes. Those beautiful, hazel eyes, with full eyelashes drawing her in into that mix of dark green and light brown. Those sensual and challenging smirks, or kind and devoted smiles.

Another load groan. She sounded like a teenager with a crush. It was just typical appreciation of a fine male specimen. Her heart was so empty with grief and pain. Her resolve overflowing with duty. There was no space for anyone for her to carry inside. Her whole Village was fulling enough, sometimes too much. Gohama felt herself drown, she had always felt herself drown, with the weight of the Arms, of the Clan, of her family, shoving every crevice of her being. It was her burden and she accepted it with purpose and care. Her Bukigakure was dead, but the bursting of devotion and love didn't die with it, could never die with it. She traced the lines carved on her hitai-ate. She was an Arms kunoichi above all. Her life belonged to the abandoned stone streets, the amalgam of blue roof tile, the wide cedar forests, the mountains and the rivers and snow and all her dead countrymen that lived now through her. In her memory, in her devotion, in her duty.

Gohama raised herself up, brushing the soil and grass from her bottom and picking her Kyura cloak that had served as a pillow. The spring weather in Konoha was warm, but airy. She would go to Hansuke's house, they had agreed to train every Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. She would drag his hangover ass to that training field.

As she turned on his street, limited by white stonewalls on both sides with entrance gates in between them, Gohama could already sense the woman's chakra signature in his house. So, she had stayed the night. She brushed the dust and dirt out of her sandals in his entrance mat before taking them off, flared her chakra so he would know she was there, in case the couple was in a compromising position, and entered his home as she always did – a b-line towards his kitchen. The presences were in the bedroom, with a reasonable distance from each other, meaning they were only sleeping. The coffee pot was empty and she set out to prepare some for him, without any care for the clatter of tableware and pounds of closing cabinets.

Soon enough, his steady signature rose from the bed and moved to the bathroom. She watched him sneakily slid through an inch opened door.

"You do know I can sense the person in your bed, there's no need to hide her." she commented while leaning her back on the counter with crossed arms.

"What are you doing here?" he whispered while cradling his head.

That irked her. He truly had forgotten, and wasn't just too hangover to wake up.

"What am I doing here, Hansuke?" she hissed "We have training!"

His eyebrows shot up and he grimaced slightly. "Yeah… I…" he moved to the pot of coffee and filled an entire cup with it. "Gohama, I'm sorry…" he said not looking at her "I forgot."

"I can't believe you ditched me for some woman you already fucked last night."

"I didn't ditch you, I forgot." he justified more firmly "And I'm really hangover so please keep your voice down."

"We've been doing this for two months, how could you possibly forget?"

"I imagine alcohol had a big part on that." he said with a shrug and a sip of his coffee.

She scuffed bitterly. "We still have training. So drink that already and go put on your clothes."

He put his cup on the counter harshly and glared at her with a pointing finger. "I'm your team leader." he reminded her with his angry sensei tone "You don't get to order me around much less with that disrespectful tone of yours."

"Then maybe you should be a fucking team leader and train me like you promised me to."

"I have a hangover and it's one day, Gohama, one fucking day!"

She shoved his chest with two fists. "I gave up on being an ANBU captain for you!" she accused with another shove and he caught her wrists roughly.

"Oh no, you're not playing that card on me." he pressed her against the counter, using his weight and height to hover her. "It was your choice, Gohama!"

"Don't touch me!" she growled, twisting and pushing him away, but he was still stronger than her without her chakra.

"Just because you're the last Kyura that doesn't mean you have the right to be spoiled." he growled back at her "I already spoil you plenty."

The tough grip on her wrists and the lock he had with his weight was disturbing her. Her heart had sped away from her chest and it was becoming harder to breathe. Gohama knew Hansuke wouldn't hurt, but she was freaking out.

"Get off me, please, get off me, Hansuke."

He was too focused on reproaching her to realise she couldn't stop shivering. "You're not going to run, you'll hear what I have to say. Do you think I would do this with Nikato and Kisamaru? No, I wouldn't. I only do this for you, Gohama, and you still have the nerve to force me, your team leader, to tr—"

"Get off!" he kept trying to speak above her demands. The cold tile of the counter felt like the smooth metal of a chair, his hands over her wrists the chakra shackles containing her in. She clenched her eyes shut, forced her mind to blank out his voice, forced her lungs to take in the air they couldn't hold in.

"Why can't you value, even recognise, what I do for you! Huh, Gohama?" he shook her "Look at me!" he moved his hands from her wrists to her head, forcing her to look up at him. "Why can't you see that I—"

"Don't touch me!"

In her mind, the fingers holding her hair and head were too smooth to be from a true shinobi. In her mind, the remains of a wave of burning, tearing, cutting and crushing pain spread from her temples through every cell of her body. But this time she had chakra. And this time she let it flow from her core through her pathways and burst out of her from her pressure points. The body caging her in disappeared and with it the pain. She slid down onto the floor, the relief not easing her tremors. She held her hands in front of her, trying to control the shivering, but behind them was Hansuke, looking back at her in fear. Any relief was slaughtered by raging horror and guilt. Every muscle in her was shaking.

"What the fuck is going on?"

Both of them looked at the forgotten woman dressed only in an oversized shirt. Gohama couldn't talk, she was still trying to make her lungs work back again.

"Get out." Hansuke demanded, while trying to get up. The woman just kept staring at them in confusion "I said get out!" he shouted with all the threat of an ex-ANBU.

The woman jolted in fear and scurried away to the bedroom. Hansuke started crawling towards Gohama, from where he was leaning on the opposite counter. Dread began boiling in her guts, she really had hurt him this time.

"Don't…" she said thorough a dry sob "Stay away from me…"

His expression was miserable, she hated it.

"I won't hurt you, I promise, Gohama." he told her calmly. He didn't understand.

"But I will…" she buried her face on her crossed arms over her knees "Oh fuck… what did I do…"

Her body was still freaking out, but she couldn't control it. She tried, she forced it to be rational, but her shudders wouldn't stop and her erratic breathing wasn't enough to fill her lungs.

"Gohama." he called gently. It broke her even more "Can I touch you? I won't hurt you, I promise."

"I know. But I-I…"

"You won't hurt me, either. I know."

Hansuke leaned against the counter beside her and pulled her into his lap carefully. He cradled her head against her chest, one hand stroking her hair while the one circled around her shoulders, traced feather-light circles with his calloused fingers on her cheek. His steady chakra pressing against her flesh, smoothing her shivers. Why didn't his touch freak her out now?

"It's okay. We're okay. Just breathe. Breathe."

"I hurt you."

"No, you didn't. I was the one that—I was violent with you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Gohama. You should have pushed me away with your chakra sooner."

She pressed her hand against his chest and let her medical chakra flow into him. "I can see you have a broken rib. You didn't break anything in me."

"But I did…" he said guiltily, with a bitter disgust he continued "I made you think I was the ones that tortu—hurt you. I should have seen it sooner, but I was furious and… I'm sorry." before she could argue, he hummed against her hair "Shh, it's okay."

Hansuke had always known how to calm her down. Her breathing was still fast and shallow, cut by a few dry sobs, her heart was mimicking his own, steady and calm against her ear and her shivers only remained in her hands, holding onto the hard muscles of his chest. Only then did she notice he was shirtless, his skin warm and soft. She absently traced his scars and twirled the hairs of his chest.

"You can talk to me." he started "I want to you to talk to me."

He had a deep, but small scar on his right pectoral. The skin was ragged and poorly healed, she wondered how he had done it and if the wound had been as deadly as the memento seemed. She soothed it down with her fingers.

"The first were common nin thugs. They only beat me and I managed to kill two of them, because they were sloppy. There was a medic nin making sure I wouldn't die, but he never did bother healing any of my injuries. Then, the guy you first killed showed up. He seemed almost empty inside, a machine. His fingers were smooth like a civilian. I think he had only learned that genjutsu." she gave a bitter chuckle "The fact that it was genjustu only made it worse." she settled her fingers gently on his temples "He probably messed with my pain receptors through his touch on my temples. Then he drowned me to make sure my survival instinct wouldn't fade."

"That scream you… I still have nightmares about it."

"That level only happened when you got there. He even had to ask the medic permission."

"Did any of them touch you… were you…?" there was fear now in his eyes.

"No, they didn't." she reassured him.

Gohama kept her hands on his temples, massing them with pressing circles. He was still suffering from a raging hangover and being thrown into a kitchen counter with chakra couldn't help. Hansuke did look miserable, with a tired and droopy expression and dark circles under his eyes.

He closed his eyes and sighed. "That's nice…"

She watched his strained look soften slightly. Her chest pinched, when she thought of the things he had said that she had managed to catch. Her hands slid down to cup his face. He had the beginnings of stubble and she rubbed the back of her fingers through it. The coarse feeling had always delighted her. Absently, she wondered what it would be like to kiss a man with stubble, to kiss those, now dry, lips of his.

"Hansuke."

When he looked down on her, his eyes were so tender her guts twisted.

"I do value what you do for me. You're… You're like a rock in my fucked up life. I'm sorry for all the things I put you through."

He smiled adoringly at her. "I'm not." he pressed his lips to her forehead, and laid his cheek on the crown of her head "What I do is because I want to."

Gohama continued to trace his scars as they sat comfortably, at least for her, in each other's arms. Her fingers landed on a ragged, deep one marked into the skin of his bicep. The place where she knew his ANBU tattoo was. She had never seen it, Hansuke's shirts had always covered it. Now, that she thought about it, probably on purpose. Either to hide the red swirl or the scar that slashed his ANBU tattoo in two.

He must have felt her frown. "I was young and lost and it was on an impulse when I got out. Don't worry about it."

But she did worry. The mission that had made him leave must have really fucked him up.

"…now we're mostly training dodging. Shisho says that as a medic nin it's essential to know how to evade attacks so we don't end up dead. A dead medic is a dead team."

"Hm."

Kakashi would hum in agreement to Sakura's descriptions of her training with Tsunade. He had been away for a month on a long-term mission and, just as he was leaving the Hokage Tower, he ran into his former student. It was lunchtime, and he was rather hungry, so he asked if she wanted to come with him to Ichiraku, for old time's sake. Now, he had someone to ditch his tab with. He was still interested in hearing about Sakura's progress. She sounded genuinely passionate about her apprenticeship under Tsunade. It was good to know she had found her path as a kunoichi independent of pleasing Sasuke.

The canvas of Ichiraku was already in sight, with its big and bright red characters. His stomach growled at the delicious smell. Unconsciously, he started pacing faster, which forced Sakura to speed up in order to keep up with him. His eyes caught the sage green of a cloak with the crest of a white wolf embroidered in it. That was interesting. In the Jonin common room, the only chatter that morning was about how Gohama and Hansuke had tried to kill each other. The wages on the reasons varied between a lovers' dispute and hateful vengeance. Lunch would be fun.

"Sensei." Kakashi turned back around with an eyebrow raised. "Can we go somewhere else?"

That was weird, Sakura had been excited about eating their memory packed ramen. "And why, may I ask?"

"I… I'm…" her cheeks blushed into the same pink as her hair and she looked down at her feet "Kyura Gohama is there and I don't feel comfortable around her."

He couldn't let Gohama disappear before milking her embarrassment over whatever fight she had had with Hansuke. It was always so difficult to make her embarrassed.

"Are you scared of her?" he asked with amusement.

"No… it's just… Well, today Ino told me there were rumours going around about her trying to kill her team captain. And I… I don't know… she kind of reminds me of—"

So, the gossip had already reached the rookie 9 generation. That made him even more curious.

"I'm really craving some ramen." he gave her an eye-crinkle "Don't worry I'll protect you, Sakura."

They made their way through the canvas of Ichiraku, a grinning Teuchi and Ayame welcomed them. He was careful to casually leave a stool between him and Gohama, while Sakura sat to his left. His uncovered eye perfectly positioned to study her reactions. She had a half eaten bowl of ramen and a bottle of sake in front of her.

"Ah, Gohama," he greeted while sitting down "fancy finding you here."

"Did you miss annoying me while you were away?" her tone was dragged and quiet.

That wasn't good. He had dismissed the gravity of the rumours too quickly. Maybe embarrassing her wasn't a wise option.

"You know me so well." he mocked with feigned appreciation.

Her chopsticks lazily twirled around the noodles, her chin propped on her palm. She never did answer him back. He was at a loss for keeping up a conversation without making things worse.

"How are your missions going?"

"Great. Tsunade is giving us a lot of A-ranks now. Our captain" that nomination wasn't a good sign "is going to recommend us for the Jonin Exams selection." before he could hum in response she tilted her head towards them "Are you going to apply for the Chunin Exams this year, Sakura?"

The girl on his left choked on her noodles. After a few awkward coughs and the growth of a full face blush, she finally spoke. "You remember my name."

"The hair helps. And my teammates told me you helped them a couple of months back, so thanks for that."

Sakura tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "You're welcome. Kisamaru-sempai has been helping me with chakra pathways' healing." she shared with a small smile "Sempai actually told me about this time you completely tattered yours on a mission saving his butt. After that, he focussed on learning how to heal them and, now, is passing that on to other medics."

"Yes, he told me a few weeks ago he's helping with a new study on pathways' healing and recuperation rate in patients."

Sakura's eyes lit up. "Shizune-san decided it was worth it when he brought her his findings. Now, it's clear overexertion of chakra usually means injured pathways. As a Hyuga, Sempai is perfect for that."

If Kakashi hadn't heard Sakura complain earlier, he would have thought the two of them got along well. Despite what the gossip mill spread, Gohama could be pleasant if someone actually got to talk to her. It was sad that simply being an outsider from a powerful clan mixed with her distant air would affect someone's reputation so deeply.

"Maybe that will help you, Sensei," Sakura nudged him with an elbow "when you end up completely depleted and a dead lump in a bed."

The comment seemed to bring a sparkle of amusement to Gohama's tired eyes. She pulled her chin away from her palm and turned around to fully face him with a teasing smirk. "Don't tell me the great Copy nin has a genin level stamina."

"Maa, Gohama, if I didn't, missions would be too easy."

"Well, if you get bored of easiness, I'm more than happy to beat your ass."

"You do seem to enjoy beating jonin asses a lot." he joked.

Green eyes narrowed on him. He could feel her trying to decipher what he had meant. Her face became blank and she twirled on her stool to turn back to her ramen, that was probably cold by now. Kakashi slurped his in an instant and stared at his empty bowl.

"You never did answer my question, Sakura."

"Yes, I am taking the exams. Tsunade-shisho says I'm ready."

"If you can put up with Kakashi as your sensei and Tsunade as your shisho, I'm sure you can handle anything."

It was a generic Gohama answer, but her teasing tone was faltering. Kakashi was regretting making that comment just to gauge her reaction.

"Joke all you want, Gohama, but I do seem to remember you asking to put up with my sensei skills." his hand was brushing his chin in exaggerated wonder.

"What?" Sakura asked "Then, why—"

"He rejected me."

Sakura scoffed. "I very much doubt that. You're totally Kakashi-sensei's student type."

"And what is my type, Sakura?" he asked lightly, but still slightly offended by her comment.

"Troubled genius."

Gohama chuckled dryly and threw a few coins onto Ichiraku's counter while getting up. She stopped, one hand parting the canvas to leave. "Not anymore. Sasuke traumatised poor old Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi gave a long pained sigh. That Gohama… saying shit like that in front of his former student, with that condescending tone. He almost couldn't admit that to himself, much less to Sakura. She really was taking vengeance on that comment of his.

"Sorry, Sakura, have to feed the dogs. See you around."

He gave her a careless wave and moved after Gohama, before his student could stop him. At least, he had managed to lunch for free. She was taking heavy and fast steps down the street, a cloud of dust rising up at her ankles. He quickly caught up to her.

"I don't care." she started right away, her eyes fixed on the road ahead "You deserved the comment."

"What happened between you two?" he didn't need to explain anything else.

"I hit him with a chakra burst."

He almost rolled his eyes at the rumours over imagination and Gohama's overreaction. He knew Hansuke wasn't dead nor in the hospital.

"Everyone gets carried away during spars."

She laughed. It made a shiver run down his back. He was familiar with Gohama's dry chuckles, but this one was disturbing. It creeped through his skin with bitterness, the vibrations full of venom and disgust.

"Did he hurt you?"

She stopped and he almost ran into her, which she took advantage of by shoving him away. "What the fuck is wrong with you? How can you ask that about him?"

Oh, she was mad. And rightly so, Kakashi felt ashamed for considering that about Hansuke. Then there was only one more reason. He hadn't seen Gohama in some time, but the last time he had sensed how jumpy she was.

"So you're down with the shinobi common cold."

That's how it was known. The name almost taboo. Every ninja had suffered from PTSD episodes at least once in their lives. It was never discussed and never admitted. There were help programs in the hospital, but few shinobi sought them and always in secret. Because of some irrational code of shame, psychological instability was considered weak. Nowadays, especially with Tsunade as Hokage, the programs were gaining funds and recognition, still, the stigma was deep and looming.

He had often wondered that, had Sasuke received medical assistance after the Uchiha massacre, maybe he would have stayed in the Village. Maybe live a full shinobi life, retire and live long enough to see his grandchildren grow, teach his kids how to use the sharingan. Had he fallen too far to ever reach that? Kakashi felt a deep resentment towards him, after abandoning his teammates and friends, betraying Konoha. However, he knew the kid was innocent in some ways. Watching his clan die, slaughtered by his brother, would always fuck someone up.

Kakashi was fucked up, but at least he deserved it. Sasuke didn't, neither the girl standing lost in front of him. No matter how much she obsessed about duty, no matter how much she fought for the path sealed into her, Gohama was lost. He could smell it and it made him sick.

An overwhelming need of protecting her boiled inside of him, soon, followed by a smothering helplessness. She was a kunoichi and he was just himself. There was a long and heavy list of failures inked into his heart and her name was already written there. With every heartbeat, he felt it spread through his body from his veins.

He had to look away from her oh so Kyura eyes. And so he watched a cat hop around some orange roof tile as he laid a hand on her shoulder.

"It'll be alright." he spit, as if the lie burned his tongue. The same lie he had promised to Sakura. The same lie he would promise Gohama, because, even if he couldn't find hope for himself, there always seemed to be hope for the ones he cared about. And with that burning realisation, he squeezed Gohama's shoulder. "I promise."

Then, he walked away from her, too coward to witness the disbelief she must have had in her porcelain white face. Gohama wasn't Sakura, she had suffered too much of life's cruelty to be naïve.

If he couldn't not hope for Gohama, it meant he cared about her. It was no longer just a promise to a friend, or guilt. A dirty, stained care. Kakashi lifted his eyes to the cloudy sky, the scent of lemon vanishing through the one of rain. Maybe the rain would wash away his filthiness, maybe it could make the blood forever melted in his hands fade. It wouldn't, but he liked rain all the same.