Part III | Chapter 8

Warning: This scene had depictions of violence and gore (there is an important plot point in this scene. So you won't miss it, i'll signal for the gore with *gore* if you can't read it)

A rebel single tear fell from her eye, down her nose onto his sheets. The first tear in five years. Not because of her dead Village. Not because of her dead clan. Not because of her dead family. A tear because of her target. There was no other word for him. He wasn't an attacker, he wasn't a rapist. She had consented. She was consenting even when a tear fell from her eye. She wasn't a victim, if there was a victim it would be him. She was here to kill him.

She was a whore. She was selling her body for a kill, no not for a kill, Konoha was selling her for a kill. She was selling her body for an S-rank mission. One she would probably never finish. For the prestige, for the full envelop of money, for her own pride. And all of that tasted of self-loathing now. Regret. Even if she knew she would do it again.

A tear because of her target.

He finished with the same fucked up boasting words as always, grunted between heavy pants against her ear. He fell onto her back. She couldn't breathe with his weight crushing her down. There was nothing else to do. She didn't move from the same position. Her eyes were fixed on her own in the mirror next to the bed, the mirror he had forced her to watch him fuck her, as he pressed her twisted neck into the pillow. Her arm was still warped around her back. He hadn't needed to pin it so hard against her ribs, it was locked there now, maybe forever, she was in too much pain to know if she could ever move it again. There was nothing else to do.

He rolled to the spot next to her and sighed contently. The bed shifted beside her and she could see he was looking at her reflection in the mirror, but her eyes never moved from her own. He harshly pulled her arm away from her back with her wrist. His clammy hand slid the length of her spine.

"My doll."

Not that word. At least, let him not ruin that word, the one Hansuke loved to irk her with. The annoyance at his teasing seemed so sweet, so stupid now.

"My Kyura doll."

Could she tell him to shut up? Could she rip that coarse tongue? She had never felt so weak as when her mouth didn't speak the words her mind was shouting. Weakness had always been her weakness.

When he fell asleep, she could finally move away. She almost vomited when she saw her body in the mirror. It wasn't particularly gory, she had seen herself much worse. But the marks were deep under her skin, deeper than she had ever felt them.

"Where are you going?"

She almost screamed from the shock at his voice.

"To my room."

He gave a visceral amused laugh. "There's none of that tonight, my doll. None of that for any more nights, you're my doll."

Fuck, he was sick. Gohama went to pick up the fallen kimono and he appeared behind her, gripping her wrist to her back. Her front hit the mirror with a loud thud.

"What part of «you're my doll» didn't you understand?" he growled "You're not leaving."

"Kakashi" she felt sick for using him as a shield "won't let you keep me."

"He'll be too dead to have a choice."

Gohama flung her head back hard against his nose. His grip loosened and she twisted around quickly enough to hit him with her chakra shackle to his throat. He stumbled back slightly and she took advantage of that time to try to bust her shackles. Without her chakra she was dead.

She threw her wrist against the sharp corner where two walls met. A groan escaped her mouth at the pain from her already damaged wrist. The cuff didn't even crack. Another wrist and the same useless result. He was still trying to breathe while leaning against the bed.

There was nothing in the room she could use as a weapon, so she lunged towards him and hoped her body was enough. Again she used the metal of the cuffs and, with the highest strength she could conjure, aimed for his head. His hand caught her arm before she could hit him.

An instant where they glared at each other spread for an eternity. The instant that served as a line between two moments. The quiet, looming instant bursting of threat and peace. A cold war. Then a click sounded. A click of two chakra shackles unlocking. The air was filled with mingled fire and water chakra, raging, boiling. The line was cut and the next moment ran under the order of time.

Gohama was swung against the mirror. It shattered along with her skull. She saw her bleeding head reflected back at her in a thousand pieces. She almost chuckled at how dumb she had been. After four fucking nights, there was her weapon, her glass kunai.

She grabbed two shards, throwing one against him, which he evaded and using the other to stab him. He managed to dodge slightly and it pierced the side of his lower stomach. His hands clamped together and she threw herself at him, if he did a hand sign she was dead.

Not caring if her hands were burning from the cuts, she grabbed another shard and frantically tried to tear her way into his throat. He somersaulted over the bed and landed on the other side from her, fumbling with his bedside table. He picked it up and threw it towards her. Gohama ducked down and a sharp pinch hit her thigh. A syringe.

He smiled victoriously at her, a wild madness behind his eyes. "It will work soon enough."

She went to stab him again but he caught her wrist and unarmed her. Then he hit her with the back of his hand. The blow had chakra and she fell onto the bed from the force. He didn't waste time before straddling her and grasping her throat with his hand, the other pinning both her hands to her stomach. She squirmed around with every ounce of strength in her and soon gave up.

He watched her intently as he choked her. She didn't know if he was trying to kill her or not, because he could have broken her neck in a second. But where would his enjoyment be in that? He relished on her gasps and fading light like a starved man.

And in Gohama's desperate heart, ruled over by her dying body, grew the hope of being saved. Kakashi, her heart called and her heart waited for him to burst through the perfectly sealed door, her heart waited for his gloved hand to slid a kunai through the neck she was eyeing, her heart waited for him to take her away from that room, that bed, those hands. Her heart waited but she knew he wouldn't come. Still, she waited.

"The Kyura… You fucking bastards." he grunted as his gawking gaze grew more avid "I was there, you know," he started laughing in amusement "the day your little fucking Village was destroyed."

Gohama's fading conscious opened wide awake. Was he mocking her, taunting her as she died? No. She knew that boastful tone of his. It wasn't a lie.

"I was one of the rogue that helped Akatsuki. You know them? Good guys. They were after the Jinchuriki."

Her already tattered heart wept more achingly, its cries tore through her veins, but the tears for her Village wouldn't come.

"They just said do what you want and we pay you, just don't kill any Kyura. The fucking amount of missing nin that appeared that day! We brought your fucking Village down!"

Gohama's guts started burning. Her eyes stinging. She had to move. Move! Her mind screamed to her muscles, but they wouldn't obey. Move! She repeated desperately, with the force of a monk chanting his litany with all the faith inflaming his body. She shouted and shouted to herself, and maybe if she believed enough she would move. Gohama could fail her mission, she could fail Kakashi, she could fail Konoha, but not the Arms, never again could she fail the Arms.

"It was a fucking glorious night when the Arms was destroyed!"

A burst of rage flooded through Gohama's blood. Hate, so much burning hate, she could feel the scorching heat in her skin, in her bones, in her veins. The energy buried deep inside her, the energy that had meant the Arms' end shoved into her core. The dark seal on her forearm flowered around her flesh. A terrifying, murderous chakra flooded every pathway in crashing waves. It was too powerful for a girl as her and yet she thrived with it. She wasn't weak anymore, she was the purest, rawest power in the world. She ruled and dominated.

A ragged, muffled chuckle tore from her crushed throat. Dark blue power circled around her body. It had broken free with her hate and pain.

The beastly chakra cloaked her in reigning power. It was hers. Finally, Gohama could be the Kyura jinchuriki.

He screamed in pain burned by it. He swiftly rolled away and fell onto the floor. Gohama could move. The raw power ignited her insides. The previous emptiness had been filled with lust for blood and revenge. She was maniac, she could feel it in her boiling blood and shivering skin. She welcomed it in every cell of her body, the sadistic beast rejoiced in it.

Gohama overruled him now. She dominated him now.

Gohama followed him to where he had fell. Her majesty hung over the shrieking man.

*gore*

His frightened eyes watched in disbelief. He tried screaming, but she stuffed his mouth with her obi. He tried making hand seals. She quickly summoned a sword and cut off his hands.

"Your hands for touching me."

He started laughing and spit out the obi. He was hysterical and amused. There was no longer horror in his disfigured face.

"Your eyes… Your chakra…" he laughed again "You're the lost jinchuriki! I fucked the ten tails fucking jinchuriki!"

All she felt was hate and pity at his insane outburst. He knew he would die and his scared mind tried to find victory in anything it could grab onto.

"And now you'll die by the ten tails jinchuriki." she stuffed her hand in his mouth and pulled his tongue out "Your tongue for licking me."

She cut off his tongue. She crushed his vocal cords to make him quiet. He was hard. She almost threw up at her revulsion over him. He was a sick man and he had fucked her. She held his length in her hand.

"Your cock for fucking me."

She cut off his penis. The hardness made blood spurt out from the wound. It landed on Gohama and the floor and walls and bed. There was now only pain and defeat in his eyes. She held him by his hair and pulled his torso out of the ground. First, she absorbed some of his chakra. Then, she brought more dark blue chakra on to her hand. How it suited her skin perfectly, how she moulded it as if belonged to her cells.

"Your heart for slaughtering my Village."

She thrust her hand into the place where his heart was pounding. The ribs shattered. The heart burned and crushed at her merciless grip. She pushed her arm into his back and she felt and heard his ribs shatter again. The sharp bones melting in contact with her blue energy. Her hand came through the other side. She let the body fall onto the floor again and it left its embrace on her forearm. A hole in his chest.

*gore*

"I win, Dazai." she said to the dead body.

The power began fading away. Her confident and dominant state vanishing with it. Her body started aching and her hands trembling. The pain brought comprehension. The mission was done. Her first S-rank. There was little victory or relief. She felt exhausted, disgusting and defeated. She realised she was naked. Her only clothes were the kimono under the fallen body. She had to take it and go back to Kakashi. They had to leave that place quickly.

Her steps were heavy and her legs aching. The realisation of what had happened plunged into her ruthlessly. She started losing control of her lungs, her breathing heavy and frantic. This was no time to freak out. She had to leave.

Quickly she brought his stolen chakra onto her hand and opened the window seal. The cold air of the night did nothing to quiet her raging mind and body. She started stumbling towards the railing. She just had to get to Kakashi.

It had been almost two hours since Gohama had left him to go with Dazai. All his blood was telling him to go to her. He already regretted allowing her to leave. He gripped Tsunade's letter tighter, letting it crunch up in his fist. It arrived soon after he had entered their room. Too late. In everything Kakashi was always too late.

The scotch was seducing him, but he couldn't be reckless. Gohama might need him, he had to be sharp, even if it meant taking on the full aching fear and concern breaking through him. This fucking mission. He couldn't bear it anymore.

He had to be there for Gohama. He felt so ridiculous. She was the one getting fucked by Dazai. She needed him strong and stout, she needed him there like the night before. She had finally freed herself from some stones of her proud walls, she trusted him. He couldn't fail her. He would be miserable if he failed her.

The night before… she had shown her despair for a tender touch after Dazai. She had asked him, she had chosen him. If it had been any other kunoichi, he wouldn't have let it happen and that frightened him. His care burst so wildly now, so sorely. He had forgotten what it was like. But he hadn't forgotten the pain it always brought him.

He couldn't allow himself this. For him and for Gohama. His guilt would never leave him and his care would always be nurtured out of it. And he couldn't let Gohama trust him. It would break her. He had hurt her and he would hurt her again, it was inevitable.

After this mission, he would have to distance himself. She was already suspecting something. She made him careless and hasty. He would end up showing something away or even letting it slip. It tore on him not telling her the truth, but his loyalty was still above all to Konoha.

He pushed these thoughts away. The after-mission didn't matter now. Gohama was still with Dazai. She would come back, she had said so herself. She had come back every night, this one would be no different. It couldn't. He had to stay there. That's what broke him more, having to do nothing. He would wait. She would come.

And she did. The relief that flooded him quickly washed away when he saw blood on her torn kimono. He rushed towards her, she had fallen from the top balcony and was having trouble getting up. He held her arms.

"Don't touch me." she hissed, pushing him away and threw herself onto the railing, away from him.

"Gohama, what happened? You're covered in blood…"

"It's not mine."

She managed to get up and started walking inside. He couldn't see her face, covered by her dark hair. Her movements were frantic and clumsy.

"Gohama, talk to me, what happened?" he calmly asked while following her.

"I just need a shower. It's okay. It's done."

"What?"

"The mission it's done. It's done. I did it."

The news that this fucking mission was complete didn't relieve him. She was hurt and she was frantic, the bastard had done something to her. He just didn't want it to be true. She fell. He didn't manage to catch her before she hit the ground. He turned her over and saw a deep gash on the edge of her hairline. Blood tainted her pale white skin. Her eyes were blurred, the pupil dilated, almost black. There was relief and pain and something else in them. He was careful not to touch her as she had asked.

"I need you to talk to me, Gohama."

"It's done. I did it. We have to go back."

"Is this his blood?"

"Yes. He's dead. I killed him. I killed him…"

"Gohama, where did he hurt you?"

"Fuck… I'm drifting…"

Her eyelids were closing and speech blurring.

"What?"

"He drugged me… I'm going out…"

Her eyes closed and her body was limp.

"Gohama. Stay with me." he shook her a little "Gohama, how did he hurt you?"

It was useless. She was out. His fear and concern didn't change. She had come back but in what state. He already knew how he had hurt her. He prayed, he begged for his suspicions to be wrong, but he already knew. Gently opening her bloody kimono he saw what he already knew, what he had already smelled. No… please no… There was no denying it. Her body had the marks to tell.

The red light pierced her eyes. She tried forcing her lids shut, but it didn't seem to help. There was someone beside her, she could sense the familiar chakra signature, but couldn't remember who it belonged to. Her head was still throbbing. There was the weight of sheets on her and a nauseating smell of disinfectant. She was probably at a hospital. She just didn't remember getting there nor what had happened before. Was it a mission? Did she almost die? Maybe it was Hansuke next to her. No. This wasn't his chakra, this one was wild and contained and its base nature lightning. Lightning… Kakashi. But what was Kakashi doing there?

Then, her merciless memory resurfaced with all its pain and repulsion and shame and loathing. The last thing she remembered was being in some lost forest on their way to Konoha. It had been better not to remember anything at all.

Gohama started feeling her hands tremble and her heartbeat quickening. The machine beside her showed it too, so clearly for anyone to hear and see. She pulled out the clamp stuck around her index finger. At least now the machine wasn't boasting her freaking out to the room. She couldn't give in to weakness, not with him there. She forced stillness and indifference before opening her eyes.

Gohama could recognise that white ceiling anywhere. Moving herself to sit up, the soreness in her ribs and the cruel throb of her head made themselves clear.

"Why am I in a hospital bed in Konoha?"

Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "Ah. Well, you see..."

"Did you drug me so you could carry me?" Gohama also remembered how relentlessly she had fought for her independence in walking back to Konoha.

"No, you passed out from a concussion."

"Concussion, huh? That explains the headache and dizziness." It had been a harsh journey through uneven terrain and the still warm weather of Fire's autumn.

"And I did carry you, but only for an hour until I found an ANBU team and asked them for a teleportational scroll."

She scoffed. "Like they would give it to you."

Gohama brought her hand up to her head and the bandage on her hairline. She remembered how that wound had happened perfectly. There was nothing like being thrown into a mirror for both a nasty gash and a concussion.

"They did after I paid them a great amount." he said with playful accusation.

"Why are you looking at me? It was your choice. I was passed out if you remember. How many days out?"

"Just a few hours."

That was not so bad. Her sharpest pain was between her legs. It was a constant aching reminder of what she passed through. Every pulse of pain forced her memories and emotions into reliving. Her hand moved to her stomach and she sent a small pulse of medical chakra to assess her injuries. There was little to feel.

"Pass me my file." She asked with an extended hand. Kakashi hesitated "File."

Gingerly Kakashi gave it to her.

She had an almost masochistic need of knowing what he had done to her. She couldn't ignore what had happened on that mission.

The written pages said it themselves. It was written now, it would be filed and it would be stored between all the other medical files. It was marked on those white sheets and it was marked in her aching insides and beaten up heart.

Gohama had always secretly lamented not being able to form scars because of Seiryu's beast chakra. Scars were a reminder of the sacrifice of a ninja, of the battles won and almost lost, of survival and duty. Gohama had none, not even callouses on her hands. She could pass by as a civilian and she was a full kunoichi, especially after this mission.

Yet, now she thanked the tailed beast locked inside of her for keeping away the marks of Dazai's touch. Even if she felt them deep inside her flesh, at least she wouldn't see them when she showered or looked in a mirror.

Seiryu, the ten tails dragon. If she hadn't been a jinchuriki, Gohama would be dead by now. It had been the first time since the massacre his chakra had leaked when she was awake, and then she had had Father to reinforce the seal. Only asleep did her seal falter, which made everything more dangerous. Gohama would have to be careful with the nightmares she knew would come.

All the raw power that had ignited her had vanished completely, leaving only weariness and emptiness in her.

"I bet I look like shit. Have you read it?"

The list was long. Concussion, trauma to the head, laceration to the lip, cheek, bruises, internal bleeding, vaginal laceration…

"Yes."

She could no longer feel most of her injuries, they had been healed by medic nin, but they were still marked on that piece of paper and on her crushed self. …, broken wrist, broken rib...

"A broken rib, so that's why it hurt when I breathed." she commented nonchalantly.

"You're starting to sound like me." Kakashi chuckled a little, no amusement behind the sound.

"It's better to put me down before the misery starts then."

"Good to know you're feeling good enough to insult me." he joked lightly.

"I'm not good enough for anything." she lashed out on him, before she could catch her words.

Kakashi jerked slightly at her reaction, and then his eye softened. It was such a pained, gentle look, almost vulnerable, so new in his features, she had to turn her head away from him, to the window.

"You're wrong." he added, his voice the same as his eye.

Gohama clenched her teeth and closed her eyes. "Stop it. I don't need your reassurance." she told him and she told herself.

There was only Kakashi there. It was strange that none of her teammates were there to see her. Had they hidden the fact that she had arrived? Maybe they were on a mission. It was best this way, though. She didn't want them to know what had happened. She felt so deeply ashamed it seemed to mix with her self-disgust. She could hardly tell which was which.

How could she face them now, looking like a tattered broken doll? Dazai's broken doll. That's what he had called her and he had been the one to break her while he played with her. Was it really his fault? Gohama knew what she was signing in for. She had used it against him. She had killed him.

It didn't feel enough. There was still so much hate for him, so vivid it couldn't be for a dead person, a person she had ripped the heart out. Was the hate because of what he had done to Buki or to her?

Gohama didn't know. She was too tired to discern it now. The crushing emotions of the mission were too speckled and chaotic for her to drain herself with arranging them. Feeling them was enough.

It was awkward now, their silence. If Kakashi would just take his book out and pretend to be reading, maybe it would have been less noticeable. This time he decided to lean his chin against his palm and offer only the most bored expression he had while looking at nothing but the fabric of her bedding. Why was he even here? He hated hospitals, why wouldn't he just leave her alone and in quiet?

"You should go."

"So you can run away? I see the way you're eyeing the window, Gohama."

She leaned her head back on her pillow. "I'm not eyeing the window."

"Waiting for someone, then?" He raised an amused eyebrow and she answered with an unimpressed glare. "Your team is on a mission. They should get back today or tomorrow."

"I don't want them to know." But Hansuke… She wanted to see him. He was always the one that comforted her with his presence alone. It seemed she didn't mind him knowing if it meant he would be there sitting where Kakashi was. "Well, Nikato and Kisamaru, at least." She added quietly. "You were right, Kakashi." A whisper now.

"Maa, I'm right a lot of times." He propped his back against the chair, more alert, and put his fists in his pockets. "What about?"

She looked down at the small roll she was making with the bed sheets. "The mission. I don't regret accepting it. But it... I hate it when you're right."

"I hate it too."

He put his hand on her knee and she shuddered at the sudden intrusion. He quickly pulled it away from her.

"I'm sorry."

She felt stupid with her impulsive reaction. She couldn't control it. Now Kakashi had the same guilty look he always seemed to have, but boosted into a level that made him look like a kicked puppy.

"No, it's okay. It's just... I don't know..."

Gohama had promised herself not to be vulnerable again. In her mind, when she held his hand, it was because she didn't want him to feel guilty, not because she needed his safe warmth.

She laid it on her stomach. The energy that flowed from his hand directly into her chakra core mingled with her own. After the mission, Kakashi's buzzing chakra had gained a new feel to her. The tingling sensation his lightning nature had always given her was still present. And yet, it felt different. It no longer made her hairs rise in alertness. It was familiar and more than soothing, as Hansuke's earthy and warm flow, it was safe, even in its contained wildness.

Maybe that was what made it safe, Kakashi's ability of dominating the unruliness of lightning that flowed through his pathways. The raikiri was the embodiment of this into a jutsu. It was a sign of prowess and power. How would his chakra feel if he let it run freely?

"You can talk to me, you know."

"I know." She offered him a small smile as response.

"Don't smile like that."

"What's wrong with my smile?"

"It's the same you gave me when you left for his room."

Kakashi complained about her, but his expression wasn't any better, it only seeped deeper against her wounds.

"And you. Don't look at me like that. I hate pity."

"It's not pity. I don't pity you, Gohama."

"I don't care just stop it. And the guilt too. I know you're kicking yourself over this. I know you're either thinking you shouldn't have let me take it, or shouldn't have let me go with him the last day or should have killed him before. Or maybe all. You did your mission well. I was the one that chose to go. I was the one that almost got ourselves killed that night."

"What I said, Gohama... when he threw you into the table, I didn't mean it, okay? It was..."

"I know. It's fine." She said a little too harshly. "I'm going to try and sleep a little. If you notice me moving or mumbling wake me up, okay? It's serious."

Kakashi nodded. With Kakashi there to wake her up if she had a nightmare, sleep seemed a saving idea.

She turned as much to the side as she could. Her right butt cheek was sore and aching, the other one too, but not as much. She pinned his hand to her stomach with her own. The heaviness and presence of his palm against her skin were easing her to sleep.

Kakashi had sent Pakkun to wait for Hansuke. He was still sitting beside her, his rough and worn hand on her waist. Why Gohama could ever want it there, he couldn't understand. He was waiting for Hansuke to come and take his place, he was stretching the last sweet moments, cruel for their fleeing seconds, their leaking finality.

He watched her sleep, she seemed calm, but there was latent weariness. He smelled her, but there was still the lingering scent of Dazai and it enraged him. He listened to her, the deep and even breaths, but there were strained fall and rises from her pain. He felt her, the warm and matching movement of her stomach, but there was a slender restlessness in her chakra. He couldn't taste her. Her red lips, slightly parted, obliviously tempting him.

When had he started wanting her? How did he want her? He couldn't understand what she was to him. It terrified him. The need of her. It wasn't tangible, he couldn't pinpoint what he needed of her, or if he even needed her. For him, to know she just existed was enough. He wanted more, he was greedy. But her life, whether it laced with his or not, was enough.

Gohama.

Another name already etched onto the list of those Kakashi had failed. But Gohama wasn't branded into some cold stone he visited every day. She was still there next to him, the flesh under his hand warm and her chakra flowing. He was grateful this hadn't been a mission that engraved the characters of her name onto the dark stone of a memorial. A memorial was meant only to remember and honour the dead ones and Gohama was still there.

Kakashi found himself hoping Hansuke never came. He found himself hoping he could just swell this moment where she was there and he was with her. And that was the problem. His red tainted hand, the one scarred with raikiri burns, pressed to her stomach. The one that had pierced through flesh and bone like hers.

Like a jerk from a burn, Kakashi pulled his hand away from Gohama. It didn't go far, in an instant, she had his wrist locked in her fingers and her tanto summoned to the others. Her deep green eyes, sharp and sad. They had always been sad and they had always pulled him in. Recognition flickered through them and a soft blush cut through her now yellow paleness. They made her look healthier.

"Force of habit." She explained with an apologetic wince and freed his wrist. The weapon disappeared in a cloud of smoke. "Why did you pull away, are you leaving?"

There was only curiousness in her words. They tore at him. He was leaving.

"My hand was numb." He made an act of stretching his fingers.

Kakashi no longer knew if his resolve to stay away was selfish or selfless. It felt selfless because selfishness didn't hurt, did it?

At the same time, he was also protecting himself, running away from this terrifying new motions bursting and lightning inside. Protecting himself from the agonizing care for someone once the person was no longer there to care for. But the care always remained in obsession and guilt over a dead and still shadow.

Loss. He was afraid of losing her life. What he needed was her life not her presence. Knowing she existed was enough.

But that would change. He would give himself space and his need would fade away. It was easier to let living people fade than dead ones.

Why was he selfish? What would she ever need him for?

Kakashi was being selfless. Everything about Gohama trusting him made him sick. He was deceiving her and it made him disgusted with himself.

Kakashi had allowed himself to forget who he truly was, what his hands had truly shattered, what his raikiri had truly pierced. This mission had brought it back to him in a crushing wave and he welcomed it. He welcomed it because he deserved it. The guilt was so much heavier now and he didn't want to ruin anything more of Gohama.

If he were to disappear now, her trust would also fade, but not break. The danger was a crushed trust. She didn't need him. She had her team.

He had promised her uncle and himself. He would keep an eye on her and hoepefully wouldn't fuck things up for her.

"Is something wrong?"

"Why would you ask?"

"You look terribly miserable." she described with amusement in her tone.

"Maa, I just read a very emotional part of Icha Icha."

"It has things other than sex?"

"Yes, very deep things."

"Have you tried other genres besides porn, like classic novels or poetry? Poetry… I think you'd like it."

"But I don't think it would help."

He was so fond of Icha Icha because it let his agitated mind rest, but the story wasn't just shallow entertainment, contrary to popular belief. Jiraiya-sama was a man with a well-lived life and that wise, even jaded in parts, experience seeped into his writing. His skill settled on not making his books overwhelming for a tired, not entirely mentally healthy, shinobi, as Kakashi.

"Maybe."

"Do you know any?"

"Some." She shrugged.

"Can you tell me one?"

He watched her hesitate, as she studied her mindless bunching of the bed sheets. Kakashi thought she wouldn't answer him. It was an awkward request. He could certainly imagine himself evading a request of quoting Icha Icha. Now he felt a little silly for asking her that, even if this weird curiosity bubbled in his chest.

His own self-consciousness washed away when he heard her voice fill the hospital room, as when a ray of sun lightens a cloudy day.

"The cicada hides

from the cold snow.

Misses the clear sky."

She smiled timidly when her calming voice went quiet. Gohama had crept under his skin and she knew him. She didn't seem to know she did but she knew him. The poem continued to echo through the silent room. It wedged under skin and left a heaviness in his chest. Gohama had said a few words and suddenly there was no ground under his feet. Kakashi felt so vulnerable but he welcomed it, because it was all for her. So this was what poetry was all about.

"You're staring, Kakashi…"

He was staring, wasn't he?

"One more…" he whispered. Just one more moment. Loss was loss.

Her eyes lit up and her head jolted towards the window. Hansuke. She had sensed him before he appeared. Kakashi left his place beside her, so he could sit there. He rushed over her, ready to touch her, make sure she was there, safe, and quickly drew out his invading hands.

"It's okay, Hansuke. You can touch me."

"When Pakkun told me, I thou—" Hansuke cut himself off and shook whatever scenarios he had imagined from his thoughts. They didn't matter. "You scared me. I'm glad you're safe, Gohama."

He sat beside her. He held her hand and she held his back. He laid the other over her head and tenderly stroked her forehead with his thumb. She smiled for him, a smile that reached the depth of her green eyes with care and admiration. So different from her weary, blank expression before.

Kakashi understood now. He could see it in Hansuke's tender gaze and Gohama's leaning face. Kakashi left. She wouldn't be alone.

"Ah, my eternal rival!" Gai jumped right in front of him, that offending green leotard cut off his relaxing walk. After two weeks, he was finally caught. "Finally I found you. Where have you been hiding, my friend?"

"Maa, maa. I've been very busy. Rescuing abandoned dogs, helping the baa-san's of this Village. Being the Copy-nin and all."

His dismissive excuse only animated Gai's typical rants about beauty and youth. Kakashi's hearing only spiked back again when he heard the phrase, "Great! You agree to my fabulous challenge!"

Kakashi halted, ready to stop whatever idea of competition his rival had come up with. "I didn't agree with anything. I'm actually busy, Gai."

"Excuses, my rival! I know you haven't been on any missions. And it's been a long time. We're still tied." Gai punched the air and a little girl beside him dropped her ice-cream and started crying. An amusing picture. "I know! What about a challenge to see who drinks the most sake. Come on, Kakashi," he elbowed him "you haven't come to Ippon in a long time."

And Kakashi wasn't thinking of going for another long period. "I'm really in a hurry. Tsunade-sama summoned me, I can't let our Hokage wait." At least one part was true.

With a quick wave, he vanished in smoke and reappeared in front of the Hokage Tower. Tsunade would be less angry with him for being less late. It was all the better because he really needed a new mission and this way she might feel generous with her assigning.

An excuse already prepared on his tongue, Kakashi pulled the office door open. Tsunade was propped on the edge of the window, her arms crossed and face stern. He never did need to spill his typical justification for being late.

"Did Gohama tell you what she did to him?"

A cord of dread wrapped around his stomach. It had been two weeks since that mission. Kakashi had delivered his report a week ago and he was sure Gohama had too. Why was the Hokage talking about her now?

"No, Hokage-sama."

"There are rumours now, reliable ones." She rubbed a tired hand across her forehead "They found him with his hands, tongue and cock cut off and a hole where his heart should be."

"Nothing he didn't deserve."

"That's not the matter." The Hokage bit out. "It's her mental health. She's not the type to freak out. And she did, that's what saved her, but it's not good to be volatile. Not with her power." She narrowed her eyes at him. "You don't even know what happened in that room, do you?" He didn't answer. "Really, Kakashi, weren't you at least a bit curious of how she had broken out of those cuffs?"

He honestly had just wanted to forget about that mission and now the cord was only getting tighter. What the hell had happened besides what he already knew to make Tsunade so grave? She neared her desk and flipped through a couple of pages.

"In her report, she said she broke free from the drugs and shackles in a burst of adrenaline and chakra. No normal chakra could manage that. She's a Kyura, their chakra is something we don't quite understand. That's why they made great warriors and great medics. I learnt from one of them. Her great grandmother, both the chakra manipulation for healing and combat."

Kakashi was more interested in knowing why Tsunade had summoned him just to tell him this.

"You should tell her that."

"No great medic can ever come close to a good Kyura medic. The shinobi world died a little with their clan."

He really didn't want to hear any of that. Especially when it already burned so vividly in him.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"We messed up. Big time, Kakashi. We owe it to that girl. But" of course there was a but. "she is also a dangerous liability. What do you know about her loyalty?"

He understood now. Konoha was scared of Gohama.

"She's loyal to Konoha."

"Yes. But the Arms too…"

"It's more than understandable." Not that it mattered.

With a weary sigh, Tsunade fell onto her chair. "At least, she has a face to go with her anger now."

Kakashi couldn't stop his eyebrows for bunching together. "Who?"

"In her report, she said the trigger was Dazai gloating over being one of the rogue ninja's that were paid by Akatsuki to help slaughter Bukigakure."

Gohama had one more thing to stack on her pile of torments.

"Akatsuki. They were the ones behind it…"

"Yes. They were after the Jinchuriki. The missing nin were a distraction so they would keep their plans and organization quiet."

"What will the Leaf do?"

"For now nothing. And don't look at me like that, Hatake, we have no manpower. For now, worry about Gohama and keep an eye on her."

Kakashi certainly would, but not for the same reasons. The Hokage threw him a notebook. His black, ordinary cover familiar to him. He flipped through its pages, stopping for a second on his own case. He smirked behind his mask at the long row of numbers in a reward for his head. With his pride fed for a week, he jumped to the dog-eared page. Kyura Gohama.

"Dazai was infamous in the missing nin community. ANBU brought it to me earlier this day. She's in the rogue Bingo Book now."

He swept a careful eye over the information there. The stats weren't accurate, they underestimated her, which was a good thing. The alive bounty five times the worth of the dead one. The ninja world still hadn't forgotten the price of the Kyura bloodline limit.

"I'm sure she will actually be pleased by it."

"Every village shinobi is. But this makes her field work more dangerous."

"She has Hansuke and herself."

"Well, and you. You two work well together."

Kakashi closed the Bingo Book and threw it back to Tsunade. "I was actually going to ask you not to give us any missions together."

"Why?"

"Our relationship is tense. You saw how it was when you briefed us. It would be a problem on a mission. I ask you to trust my judgement on this, Hokage-sama."

"You sure enjoy making my life more miserable. It's even worse with that Kyura brat." She flipped her hand carelessly in the air. "But okay… You never asked me this so I suppose it must be serious."

"Thank you. Do you have a mission for me, Tsunade-sama?"

"Only long term ones. Four months, solo S-rank."

He nodded in acceptance and Tsunade gave him a scroll.

"Everything is in there. Be careful. Off my office now."

Kakashi slowly wandered towards his apartment. He glanced over the direction of the Ninth Training Ground. Gohama should be there with her team, training. He had successfully avoided her for two weeks now. He didn't even know how she was copying with the mission and now he had learnt it was a deeper source of disquiets.

Akatsuki. A trembling fear lodged in his guts. She would try to go after them. She wasn't at their level. The association had some of the most powerful shinobi. Naruto had left the Village because only a Sannin could protect him. She would die if she were reckless. She usually wasn't, but he was afraid she would succumb to her rage and hate. Their mission had shown how frantic and ruthless she could be when it came to Buki. He should warn Hansuke.

Kakashi took his sandals off and his vest and laid them on the genkan's bench. He mindlessly dropped the scroll on the dining table, already thinking of what he should back for such a mission. A sense of unfamiliarity made him turn his eye back to the table.

There was a package there with a note. It was surprising. People didn't usually offer him things, because he wasn't the type that deserved any offerings. Now that he sniffed the air, it was obvious they were dog biscuits. He took the note.

«The biscuits are for Pakkun. He will know why I gave them.

The poem is for you because you asked.

On the path in the desolate field,

The shadows overlapped and

Parted.»

He could feel the words hitting him physically. His mouth was bitter and his chest pinched with every pulse. His hand trembled while he reread the note over and over. While he reread it aloud as a memorial litany over and over. If he had any tears left he would cry now. He wanted to cry for her, for what he had taken from her and she didn't even know. She would hate it. But he wanted to.

She knew he was walking away and she accepted it. The poem she chose told him that. She was right. He should read poetry.

A sudden tiredness made him fall on his couch. He should rest. He had a long mission tomorrow. Good thing he had taken it.

He summoned Pakkun. The cloud of smoke hadn't dispersed and the pug's tail was already shaking. "Biscuits! Good mood, eh, Kakashi?"

"They're from Gohama." his words were no louder than a whisper, dragged "She said you would know why."

Pakkun noticed Kakashi's haggardness, of course he would notice it. Instead of scavenging through the package, he jumped onto the sofa and sat on his lap. Kakashi's hand automatically went to rub the fur on his head.

"Yes, I do. But it's between me and her. Biscuits and massages..." He sighed dreamily "I like her. I hope you keep her around."

"I won't."

"Why?"

"Because I killed her parents."

Kakashi dropped his forehead protector to cover both his stinging eyes and continued to stroke Pakkun.

Where you expecting it? Gohama being the Kyura jinchuriki is probably somewhat expected as she is the protagonist. (I consider her a constant sway between anti-heroin and heroin)

What about Kakashi? I wanted to keep the reason he always felt so guilty a mystery, so I just let out very obscure signs.

Please leave a quick review about it, I'm very curious to know what you suspected or if it came out of the blue.

Now, onto a little rant about seduction missions. Obviously, being a a manga/anime also meant for kids, Naruto doesn't touch that theme. Being mercenary killing machines for a Village, aka a ninja, is fucked up by itself. But I also thought it was interesting to explore how fucked up seduction missions can get. In some cases, like the one I described in Gohama's mission, the lines are completely blurred. Who really is the victim? Who is the predator? (I'm not defending Dazai's case in any way, I was sure in making him a sick pig.) It may leave the psychological marks of rape, but was it truly rape?

I don't have answers to these questions and am also interested in hearing what you think about it.

As always, thanks for reading! :)

Ps: I wrote the first poem, because I couldn't find any that fitted what I wanted to portray. The second is a haiku by Hisajo Sugita. It was probably written with a different meaning in mind, but the great thing about poetry is that you interprete it however you want to interprete it (within reason, of course).