(A small public school classroom. Chairs are arranged in a circle. Everyone is wearing nametags. The Group Leader walks to the door takes down the sign that says "'Helping Friends' General Support Group", then sits down and adresses the group.)
Group Leader: All right everyone, now that we're all here we can start the session. I know, for most of you, this is your first support group meeting, so let's start by introducing ourselves. Since this is a general support group not specific to one problem area, each of you should say your name, the reason you are here, and any other relevant information.
Psycho # 1: Hi, my name is Rupert, and I'm an alcoholic.
Psycho # 2: Hi, my name is Bob, and I took horse steroids, so now I have cancer, and I'm recently divorced, and my kids won't talk to me anymore.
Psycho # 3: (Is wearing a blank name tag.) Hello, I have a brain parasite, and my name is ... my name ... I'm here because I can't remember my name anymore. Group leader lady, if my name is on your clipboard ?
Group Leader: (Pretends to look for name on clipboard.) No... I'm sorry dear. Who's next?
Me: Hi, my name is ... uh (looks at name tag.) Anna. I'm here because I'm panicking. Let me explain: I go to Swampscott High School (thunder and lightning. Shocked gasps from the group.) There's a little more than a week left until school starts. I just got my schedule in the mail. There are classes I didn't choose, teachers I don't know, studies at weird times during the day, and it's all so confusing! (Starts babbling something unintelligible, while the rest of the group looks at her funny.)
Group Leader: Now, clam down honey. It will all be all right. I'm sure we can help you think of something. Does anyone have any advice for Anna?
Rupert: This actually worked pretty well, until I started coming here: You can go out, and get really drunk, and just forget all your problems. This is also a good time to write thesis papers, until the liver cancer kicks in, of course.
Blank Name Tag: Actually, I had the same kind of problem. There's a very quick and easy solution. It works really well, I know from experience. All you have to do is ... (falls down on the floor and starts having a seizure.)
Group Leader: Oh my god, somebody call 911!
Rupert: I have a cell phone, but it only works outside. Lets go! (Rupert and Group Leader run outside, and take the unconscious woman with them.)
Bob: Well, now that those three are gone, I can tell you the real solution to your problem.
Me: (still kind of scared from what I just saw) : Umm, ok. So what is it?
Bob: It's this new group I found. Except, I can't talk about it.
Me : (already kind of sees where this is going.) Why not?
Bob: That's their first rule.
...
And their second rule.
And this is how I met . . . somebody.
Some nights, you just really need to beat the living crap out of someone. And some nights, you have to sleep in a small, uncomfortable hospital bed, the kind where you wake up at night, and panic, because you don't know where you are, or where, but you go back to sleep once the morphine kicks in. The key thing you learn in this situation is not to scream. You learn fast, because if you scream, the next time you wake up, is two days later. You don't know what time it is, because they took away your watch. Your next thought is, that even if you had your watch, you wouldn't be able to look at it, because you hands are tied behind your back. You try to knock on the wall, or the door, anything, but it doesn't help, because everything is covered in thick white padding.
Damn it, they got me again.