Hello there, lovely readers. It's been some time since I've updated but with the end of the semester I've been busy (mostly procrastinating. I'll regret it later). Thankfully it's only one more week. Maybe I'll come back and edit this chapter a bit.

Thanks for reading! Be careful and be safe!

Part IV | Chapter 2

The ochre robe broke away from the green scenery of the park. Gohama stopped for a second as she saw it, taken aback by the hit to her chest. Maybe she shouldn't have agreed to meet Uncle, it would make going back to Konoha even more difficult. At least they were meeting in some town still in the Land of Fire.

When on her last mission she had used the Fire civilian mail post to send a coded letter to Uncle. And, after a week, he was there, sitting on a bench, his monk garb so familiar, his pose the same as always, tranquil and steady even from a far. His chakra was masked to seem as a civilian one. Gohama would have to ask him to flare it once, just so she could sense its comforting fluid feel again.

She didn't hide her own as she approached him from behind. Uncle didn't even turn to acknowledge her presence. When she was finally in front of him, he raised his head to meet her eyes with a peaceful smile. Her heart swelled and she gave him a smile in return, a tear sliding down her cheek.

"Uncle." She greeted with a broken voice.

His brow twisted lightly in concern, but his smile didn't falter. He quickly stood up and hugged her, patting her hair gently. "My dear Hama-chan." He greeted back with his fatherly tone "Good to know you're capable of crying, not that a tear can actually be called crying." He joked tenderly. He had always urged her to cry when her grief was weighing too much, but she never could. Now, her tear rolled quietly from her eye.

"Shut up, Uncle." She sniffed and cleaned her wet cheek.

He rocked her from side to side somewhat roughly and pecked her hair before letting go. The both of them sat on the bench.

"I see Konoha is good for you, I don't think you've ever let me to hug you before."

She glared at him without seriousness. "And I won't again if you keep annoying me about it."

They stayed silent. Uncle Tsukate had his eyes pinned on her face, she could feel them shedding her of every barrier, every layer of concealer. She turned her face away from his gaze, pretending to look at the lake in front of them.

"You haven't been sleeping." He stated. Of course he would see right through her. "Do you want to talk about it, Gohama-chan?"

A blush crept over the skin of her neck and face, its redness full of shame. Gohama brought her knees to her chest and supported her chin on them. Uncle would be disgusted if he ever found out about her first jonin mission.

"I see." He hummed in understanding and turned his eyes to the lake as well. "Congratulations on making jonin. I knew you would." He pinched her cheek mockingly "And Rogue Bingo Book and all. So grown up, Gohama-chan!"

She could see the fear behind his eyes and all she did was lightly swat his hand with a both annoyed and caring glare. "Good to know your informants are up to date." Uncle may be a monk, but the ninja life rooted too deeply to wash away completely.

He chuckled and settled back against the bench. She could feel the solemnity taking over him. Gohama already knew the words that would leave his mouth. "I'm proud of you, Gohama. And they are proud of you. Your father and mother. All of Buki."

She let a bitter scoff rise from her throat. "I know why the Arms was destroyed." Uncle tensed, his concealed chakra flickered. "They were after Seiryu. Aka-tsu-ki. Some clandestine syndicate after the biju. They hired the missing-nin. They… Because of me. The Village died because of me."

"Gohama, don't blame yourself, please. You had nothing to do with it."

"They were looking for me. People died for me. If grandfather had been the jinchu—"

"But he wasn't. You didn't choose to have Seiryu sealed in you. You were a child. And I thank the kami every day that you're still here."

Gohama didn't. There was nothing to thank for about being the only survivor. Or maybe she was being selfish, maybe she should thank for there being someone who could carry on Bukigakure's spirit. Maybe she should thank being the only way the Arms could restore its honour.

"At least now I know who to go after." Uncle didn't speak, but his silence showed his censure "Shut up."

"I didn't say anything."

"I can still feel you disapproving. It's my duty, that's why I was left alive."

"That's not your duty. The Village doesn't ask that of you. My brother would never ask that of you."

"The Yukikage would, he did. That's why I'm alive."

"My brother would always put his snowdrop above his weapon."

"Then he was a terrible Yukikage."

She regretted her words the moment they had left her mouth. Uncle didn't say anything, he knew she had said them without believing them. These few weeks after the mission had been tearing at her deeper than she had realised. Only when finally seeing Uncle did she understand how deep.

Even with the weight of their conversation on both of them, it was so relieving to see Uncle again. Still, the missing was sharper with him right next to her. She would have to go back to Konoha. No matter how much she wanted to stay with him, how much she craved for breathing Snow's air, her path was in Konoha.

And her team too. Even if she had been distant with them, she couldn't just disappear. They had truly grown on her. Maybe her heart did have a little space for them between the crannies meant for her Village. She wanted to give them more, but couldn't. Gohama didn't know if out of duty or because she wasn't capable of it. She didn't know… Could she love them? Anyone who wasn't her dead Village?

Uncle Tsukate's voice shattered her wonderings. "Tell me about Konoha." He asked lightly.

She gave a small smile against her knees as she remembered her team. "I'm on a team. Have been for about two year. One of my teammates is a Hyuga." She turned her eyes to Uncle to gauge his reaction, he just smiled at her. "Kisamaru. He's always calm and poised, what you'd expect really. He doesn't talk much, but is always attentive to everything. We get along really well. All of us do. Nikato is a mess, a cheerful, overly excited one. We compete over stupid things, but it's just for fun. Hansuke's the team leader. A great shinobi." Gohama blushed slightly.

"Just a great shinobi?" Uncle asked with an amused quirk of his eyebrow.

"Hansuke's a good man." She turned her eyes back to the lake. The best man. "He knows about Seiryu." She added gravely "He found out last week. I had one of my sleeping breakouts. It's just him and I know he won't report."

Gohama was glad she had had a small breakout. She had wanted to tell him about being the jinchuriki since her stay for a couple of nights at his home. But she couldn't compromise Seiryu and she couldn't ask Hansuke to go against his duty to Konoha, she couldn't ask him to also take the burden. He had offered, he had asked himself. She would try to relieve him the best she could.

"They're my team. I trust them with my life."

Uncle settled a hand on her head. "Good. I'm glad you went to Konoha." He ruffled her hair leaned back on the bench "How's my friend Kakashi doing?"

Her chest squeezed painfully at the name. She dismissed it and hoped Uncle was too enraptured by the ducks flying away from the surface of the water to notice. "Not sure. Haven't seen much of him lately, he's probably on a long term."

Uncle only hummed in response. They stayed silent, just enjoying each other's presence, for long minutes. Gohama had truly missed him.

They talked about random things and the monastery as they ate. One of the older monks had died, it wasn't unexpected, a long time had passed since she had left. It seemed longer. After years of living in a fitted routine at the monastery, the past almost two years had been so full of changes and people and missions. Gohama was glad to know old monk Yamato was still too stubborn to leave his roses unattended with his death.

Uncle had brought bento boxes with a traditional stew from Snow. Gohama hummed in delight and her heart tightened heavily, ready to burst with the overwhelming taste of home. She had needed this, this small, and because of that, almost cruel piece of home.

Gohama handed to Uncle Tsukate her empty, scrapped off bento. "The ANBU will probably find us any moment now."

"I was surprised they'd let you stroll all alone without supervision." Uncle mocked with a bitter tone to his words "Turns out you just ran away."

"Will probably get grounded by Tsunade when she finds out." Gohama mocked back. She gave a long suffered sigh and added seriously, "She could be worse, though. The Council is much worse. I doubt they even know I'm here with you. They would never let me leave my room."

Uncle stuck his hand inside his monk robes and took out a scroll, handing it to her. "Then I should give you this before the ANBU arrive. I managed to put everything inside of that one."

Gohama took the scroll and put it in her back pouch. She looked back at him with grateful, slightly concerned, eyes. "Uncle, I don't know how to thank you… I just… I couldn't go there…"

"It's okay." He laid his hand on her head again and smiled kindly at her "I know."

"Uncle, one more thing… Can you flare your chakra, please?"

He chuckled softly and ruffled her hair. In that moment, Uncle Tsukate had never looked so much like Father. His deep green eyes so Kyura like. His tender expression so fatherly. So, so fatherly Gohama had to look away. Then his fluid chakra slipped into her awareness, engulfing her in its familiarity, in its safety, in its homeliness. A Kyura chakra. Uncle's chakra.

Fuck, it was both painful and comforting.

Shortly after two ANBU chakra signatures loomed in the trees around them.

"Before you go, Hama-chan, let's walk a bit."

So, they walked unhurriedly, side by side, through the green fields of that Land of Fire park. Uncle had always enjoyed his pensive walks around the monastery gardens.

"I can't help but tell you again, Hama-chan, that is not your burden to take. You can let it go. You have a team you trust now, a place as a village kunoichi in Konoha. You can do good and you can be happy." His gaze moved to the sky "You can be free. Your father and mother always wanted that for you, even when they couldn't give you that. But now you can. You're no longer stuck in a monastery with some old monks, you have other people that care about you, that you trust. You owe nothing to the dead." Before she could lash out on him for his words, Uncle asked, "Please, don't answer, Gohama. Just take what I said with you. I know I could never stop you from doing what you set your mind on."

"I didn't set my mind on it. My life was set on it and for it. Always has been."

He stopped under the tree one of the ANBU was hiding in.

"Anytime you need, know you can come to me, Hama-chan." He pecked the top of her head "Even if it's best you don't. Your life is in Konoha now." He took a step back "Say hello to your team for me. Goodbye, Gohama. Stay safe."

"Goodbye, Uncle, stay safe too."

He bowed and turned around with the quiet acceptance of a monk whose life wasn't with the common. She watched his figure walk away towards north until it was just a dab of ochre against the green.

She slumped on the chair and looked at Toshi, tapping the glass bowl lightly. He did what he always did, he just swam around and caught the few pieces of food Gohama let fall into the water. Hansuke had probably fed him already. She had come there to get her fish, hoping he would help her through the night, and leave. She should never have slumped on the chair. Now she couldn't get up and Hansuke's chakra was sliding right under her skin. It still wasn't enough.

It was one of those nights where everything was heavier. So unbearably heavier. And still she could always pass through them onto the next day. Even if the day didn't bring relief with it, she would pass through onto the next night. And so on, until one day the weight lifted a little and the colour of the sky didn't look so flat. It was always the light and the sky. It was always small, just a little seed of appreciation in her heart. And it would grow until she could feel things as good again.

For now, on that long night, everything was flat. She could even be thankful the anguish didn't have the drive to hurt anymore, but she wasn't. Tonight she was nothing and the world was nothing. It was heavy and it was dull. It was tiring. She was so so tired, it had settled in her bones.

Hansuke's chakra flared slightly from his bedroom. It would not do well for him to find her in his dining room staring at a fish. She would make them fight again. It was so easy to fall into rage was she felt so empty.

She picked herself up and the bowl and left his apartment for the Hokage Mountain. It was obvious she wouldn't sleep that night and, honestly, she was too scared to try. Her nightmares hadn't been kind and she was doing her best to keep her mind from everything stacking up on top of each other, suffocating her from inside.

Not to think and push through. Always push through.

Maybe the sunrise would give her a flicker of something.

"Gohama!" She continued to properly order the items in her paper bag, but Nikato called for her again. "Gohama!"

His chakra signature moved towards her beside a gentler and small one, a civilian. Seeing she couldn't escape from meeting him, Gohama looked at him over her shoulder, feigned recognition flashing in her eyes. They both knew she had already sensed him before, but people still enjoyed the sentiment of faking surprise.

Her gaze focussed on the little girl taking wide steps to keep up with her brother. Her straight auburn hair didn't have her brother's vibrant colour Gohama had learned to treasure, and her big childish eyes were light, not the coal of Nikato's. She was a cute girl, even more with her crunched nose and glower. She didn't seem like Gohama.

"Hey, Gohama. I want you to meet my little sister." He pointed towards the girl with the hand holding his ice-cream, brown melted drops ran down his fingers. Realising this, he absentindly licked it from his skin. Both girls stared at him with disgust pouring from their features.

"Enjoying that ice-cream, hmm, Nikato?" Gohama joked.

He stopped mid movement and his eyes turned up towards her own. Nikato jerked away from his hand as if burned and brushed his forehead with his thumb. "Sorry…" He muttered and cleaned himself properly with a napkin.

Gohama turned to his sister. "Nice to meet you, Mime-chan."

"You know my name…" she said warily, her expression so unlike Nikato's usual openness.

"Of course, your nii-chan loves talking about his little sister."

"Really?" She asked with a smile that lit up her big blue eyes.

It was the truth. Nikato loved to boast and share stories of his siblings. Gohama liked to hear the affection in his voice, even when he complained about them being spoilt or exasperating. The pettiness and banality of some of his grumbling was what gave every story life. The fights over the remote, the fights over the last piece of cake, over who helped their mum, over nothing at all.

Gohama knew she wasn't supposed to agree with his venting, that would insult him by insulting his siblings. Kisamaru had been the one to teach her that when Nikato had still hated her. She had agreed with his description of his brother as a spoilt brat and he had went on a rant about how good of a person he was and how she was a horrible person for judging him without knowing him. At that time, infuriating him was always entertaining, still Kisamaru had warned her not to talk about his family again. And Gohama had respected that. Family was family.

"Yeah, he said you're great at playing the xylophone."

Her smile turned a little cocky. "What about Akio?"

"Most of the times he just complains."

Mime laughed and Nikato joined her too. "Want to come to the park with us?" He asked her.

That was too much. Gohama didn't want to intrude in their brother and sister fun and she wasn't in the mood for something so… normal.

"Come, please, Gohama-san." Mime asked her with those big puppy eyes. "You can play with us."

The sneaky kid, she had known Gohama was going to refuse and was trying to manipulate her with that cute little face of hers. "Okay. And just Gohama."

They walked towards the park in the civilian district. Gohama never went there except for Hansuke's home, but usually she took the least crowded route. There was little difference in the streets here from the more ninja neighbourhoods. The most noticeable one was the lack of people jumping around rooftops. Still, a cosier air moved through the stores, the homes, the people.

Everyone seemed to know the two siblings as they greeted them and asked after their family. They looked warily at her, their eyes focussing on the hitai-ate at her waist. It wasn't Konoha's and they probably didn't recognise Buki's shuriken.

Once they reached the park, Mime ran towards a group of kids playing in the monkey bars. Nikato steered her towards a wooden bench in front of a group of trees. She listened to him talk vaguely as she watched the children play. They were playing ninja with kunai made of cardboard or sticks. That made her smile. Their heads or arms tied with bandanas with drawn Village symbols. Konoha were the good guys and all the others the bad ones. Their deaths were incredibly dramatic, with loud cries and gruts, and they squirmed on the floor for ages until finally going still. The death was all child's play for them. They didn't know what it truly meant and hopefully never would. Shinobi made sure they wouldn't.

"Why do you like children so much?"

Gohama turned her head towards Nikato. "I do?"

"I think you do." He answered with a cheeky smile.

"Well…" she started uncertainly "…they're the future of any village, that's what we fight for, isn't it?"

"It is." His tone had a solemn tilt to it Gohama had never heard before. "But that doesn't mean you have to like them."

She chuckled. "They're also really cute with those tiny hands and big eyes, so that helps."

"I miss it." Nikato commented quietly, almost on energy behind his voice. "Playing games about surviving and not knowing how terrifying it really is. How scary death can be…"

His face was turned away from her, towards the children playing, and Gohama couldn't see the sorrow she could hear. Her chest twisted in knots at Nikato's rare words. They had talked of death before, but he had never taken it with the defeated attitude he had now. He had always been hopeful, stubborn even. What had happened to his fire?

"Nikato…"

He finally turned to her, his eyes wide, almost childish. "Aren't you scared of dying, Gohama?"

Even if she knew he wanted her to, she wouldn't lie. "Not really…"

He chuckled lightly. "You're so noble. Kisamaru's the same. Maybe it's about both your clans, I don't know… I just… I became a shinobi because of the Will of Fire. I wanted to serve my Village, protect my people, be strong and do good. Most of the times when I'm out there I forget about all that. I just think, I don't want to die, I don't want to die. That's what gives me strength…" He supported his elbows on his knees and hid his face in his hands. "Does that make me a bad shinobi, Gohama?"

An awkward hand reached for his back and stayed there, brushing up and down. She didn't know how to comfort him. She had no idea how to comfort people. Only honesty was left for her.

"Of course not. I also think that and I'm also scared." Terrified. Gohama was always terrified on their missions, especially after their last one. "But we still get back there and do our duty. That's what makes a good shinobi, not what drives them on during battles, but what makes them go back to them."

Nikato took a shaky breath and straightened back up. "That was wise." He said with a frail teasing smile.

"I am wise." She answered back lightly. "Are you okay, Nikato?"

"Yeah… The last mission just shook me up a bit."

That was taking it lightly. Gohama had been thoroughly fucked up from their almost-deadly mission. Nikato and Hansuke had stayed in the hospital for five days. After Kisamaru and she, were certain their friends had survived, Gohama had gone back to her apartment and spent two hours in the shower shaking and cleaning off her teammates' blood from under her fingernails.

Tsunade had given their team a leave for two weeks. She never let them rest idly in the Village for more than one. Bad intel always resulted in unprepared teams and fucked up missions.

"Me too."

Gohama had had a week of sleepless nights, perfect for fuinjutsu study. Seiryu's chakra had started to stir with her fear, it had almost broken free again on that mission. In that despairing moment when both Nikato and Hansuke lay motionless and bloody, enemies moving to finish them off, she had welcomed it without hesitation. Luckily it never spilled past her chakra core.

On some nights, she had woken up with the consuming power of Seiryu's chakra lingering in her bedroom and in her pathways. The sheets weren't burned nor the windows shattered which meant it wasn't as bad as when Hansuke found out. Still, it worried her.

The breakout in her first jonin mission had awakened the beast's energy. Gohama could feel it looming over her own chakra core, messing with her balance. The seal seemed intact, but the unconscious mind was always dangerous. She could subdue it down while awake, she could hold her emotions from rousing it, but the nightmares…

"I don't want to die without at least knowing what falling in love is like." Nikato commented sheepishly, after a few moments, and laughed. Gohama laughed with him.

"If it makes you feel better it probably isn't as amazing as everyone says it is."

"It has to be, it's what everyone ever talks about."

"What about the one with brown hair… the civilian. I thought you liked her."

"I did, until I didn't. I don't know why I just… It's not like I only date girls to… you know… I actually like them in the beginning, but then I get…"

"…bored?"

"Yeah, bored." He dropped his head back and exhaled long and loud. "I know it sounds awful."

"It's not awful. You just need to find a girl that can keep up with all that energy."

"What if there isn't one?"

"Kato. You're eighteen. Why do you even worry about that?"

"I've just been thinking about the future, you know…"

"I know." Both friends watched one group of children cheer and boast because of their victory and the others sulk and argue. "I have your back, Nikato… on missions… I'll keep you safe."

He smiled openly at her. "I have your back too, Gohama." His arm reached around her shoulders and crushed her against his chest. She fell into his comfortable hug without letting it show. He'd never stop teasing her for it if he noticed. He spoke quietly to the top of her head. "Thanks for the talk. You can talk to me, you know… maybe I can help you. I want to. You've been… down."

That made her pull away. "It's nothing. I'm just tired. I started studying fuinjutsu and it takes a lot of hours out of my night, so I'm not getting much sleep."

"Fuinjutsu really? How's it going?"

Gohama went into the technical detail of her learning, sure that it would make Nikato bored and space out from their conversation. He ended up falling asleep and Gohama decided to stay to watch Mime-chan for him. Now that she was finally paying attention to him, she could see the dark circles under his eyes and how his cheeks looked leaner. How had she missed it before? So caught up in her own fear, her own worries piling one above the other, she hadn't even considered how he was doing. But those were petty excuses. Nikato was her friend, her teammate. Gohama should have seen it before.

When the streetlights turned on and there was almost no more light in the sky, he woke up from his nap with a self-slap to his forehead. He called for his little sister and they both rushed out of the park, Nikato throwing comments about how his mum would kill him for being late for dinner.

Gohama stayed longer. There was no one to be late for.

Gohama watched the twirling liquid of her drink clash against the glass as she circled it on the wooden table. The hairs on her arm were standing and a few shivers continued to speed through her skin. There were thirteen people in Ippon. She could make out every single chakra signature to the finest detail of flow. Never had her senses been less overwhelmed in that bar and yet she couldn't relax.

The prickly gaze of a man a few tables away from her made her muscles tight and rigid, her stomach spiral and icy. It was just a man looking, as they often did, but she couldn't fight the uneasiness out of herself.

Gohama had chosen this evening because it was Monday and less people went to Ippon on Mondays. None of her teammates could make it tonight and she had wanted to take this step alone. The rundown bar she went to nowadays had officially kicked her out after she beat one of the regular patrons for a lewd comment. It had been out of impulse and definitely excessive, but Gohama didn't regret it. Now, she had to find a new bar, and good old Ippon was the best option. Someday Nikato would drag her in there whether she wanted it or not. It was best to be mentally prepared for that.

However, as that heavy, stabbing stare scrapped the skin out of her legs, she was regretting ever coming there that night. She definitely wasn't ready. This time she couldn't even lift her eyes from her drink and give the guy a threatening look. What was wrong with her?

The door opened and a familiar chakra signature washed over her. Her joints loosened around the warm glass in her hand.

"So, my darling Kyura," Genma greeted as he fell on the bench beside her "I guess tonight it's just you and me." His tone was flirty, but there was no intention behind it, as always.

"Not looking for a girl tonight, hmm, Genma?"

"I've got the perfect girl right here." He slid his arm around her shoulder.

That how Genma was, touchy. But just the same as with his flirting, it had no true intention behind it. It wasn't meant to comfort her, show her affection, seduce her, nothing. It was how he was with people, it was neutral and weightless, so it had never bothered Gohama. It didn't bother her now, it helped the restlessness drip away from her muscles.

He looked around a scarce Ippon. "Nothing like a slow night, sometimes."

"Why not just go to another quieter bar?"

"I suppose the sake tastes different in cleaner cups." He joked.

Ippon had its cleaning problems, but it was usually limited to sticky floors and stained tables. The bathrooms were surprisingly acceptable. The dump she had been kicked out of was a true dump, with the stale smell of old men, musty wood and every piece of glassware stained. Gohama only chose it because no one she knew would ever venture going there.

She understood what he had meant. After probably a decade of coming to Ippon, the familiarity ranked higher than any quietness.

Gohama didn't think she had ever been alone with Genma. Contrary to most guys, with alcohol his flirting lessened, he was less teasing but more friendly. They talked about random, light things as the cups kept being emptied and filled again. Gohama didn't know who it was that kept the alcohol running. Soon they had quieted down to a drunk stupor.

Genma had slumped on his seat, his arm still around her, and Gohama had laid her head against his shoulder, not for emotional comfort, but because she was too tired to keep her head up by herself. Now they were just silent, letting the buzz flow through their numbed minds.

"I know one more!" He let out so suddenly Gohama jolted "I used to wear a choker as a kid."

She took her head away from his shoulder to look at him fully. His glassy, bloodshot eyes glinted with amusement. She turned her eyes to his neck. "That's not embarrassing, you probably looked cute," she pinched her fingers together "maybe slightly girlish, but cute."

"Of course I looked cute, I was cute. Doesn't mean I'm not embarrassed when I think back at my style choices."

"You should go back to it, maybe with a thing to put a leash on."

"My darling Gohama, were you always so kinky?" He gave her one of his flirtatious smiles, his senbon dangling from the corner of his mouth. "Who corrupted you?"

She settled back against the booth. "I'm as pure as snow."

He snorted. "Of course you are, sweetheart."

They continued in between throwing some detached comments they forgot about a few moments later and long moments of silence. Genma had a flair for amusing people with the most irrelevant things. It made him great with livening up parties.

She remembered Izumo's birthday party a few months ago. Who knew what had happened there? No one really, everyone had ended up too drunk for it, but it had been a great night. Gohama remembered three moments, Hansuke forcing her to dance with him, the disturbing image of Nikato making out with a girl near the bathrooms and having fun with Genma. Doing what she didn't know, only that she had had a great, almost happy time.

Now that she thought about it, Nikato was also like that. Maybe that explained why the older jonin had a soft spot for her teammate. Genma usually expressed it with condescending banter, a few punches, and life lessons about women. She supposed that was how older brothers dealt with younger ones, violent affection. From what Nikato talked, he was the same with his brother.

Yukine had been only a toddler, too young for Gohama to really know how they would have gotten along. Still, from what she remembered, there was only tender and loving care for him.

Why did her mind always fall into depressing holes? Gohama still felt like filth and shit, but things were moving forward, she was being surprisingly productive in her misery. Her studies in fuinjutsu were showing results. It was like solving a puzzle mix of language, characters and chakra. So absolutely exhausting that she could actually sleep without remembering her dreams.

"Hey, Gohama." Genma called, his head was leaning up against the wall, but she could feel his attentive gaze on her. What kind of inappropriate question did he want to ask now? Hadn't the elbow jab to his stomach half an hour ago been enough to break his curiosity?

"Hmm."

"What happened between you and Hatake?"

He just had to ruin one of her most pleasant nights in months with his stupid mouth.

"Nothing." She said lightly and promptly fetched her glass from the table.

"You used to get along well and now he's avoiding you. He's been avoiding you for months."

She huffed. "He doesn't avoid me."

"Yes, he does." He said transparently. One thing Genma was was frank, almost painfully so. "We were coming here for a few drinks and he left when he sensed you inside." That fucking bastard. He couldn't even stay in the same room as her. "He gave one of his stupid excuses. It's not the first time, either. And I haven't seen you talking to each other in a couple of months. He used to talk a lot to you."

"A lot?" she laughed.

"A lot by Hatake standards." She downed her glass and filled it again. "Did you sleep together?"

"What? No. Absolutely not. Never."

"All I know is that Hatake would only take the trouble of avoiding someone for so long if he cared about them or seriously hated them. And I know he doesn't hate you." He gave her his cocky, amused smirk "Did you break his heart?"

She scoffed. "Hatake Kakashi doesn't have a heart."

"You know that's not true." He said softly. She knew. "I miss when we used to mess around, you know, just sitting here until last drink, only saying shit."

"We're literally doing that now."

"Yeah, but not with him. It's like having divorced paren—"

"Genma, you're so drunk you're seeing shit where there isn't shit. Nothing happened. You just thought we got along better than we did."

"I know him, darling, I've known him for too long."

"What do you want me to say, Genma? It's Hatake, I have no fucking idea."

He offered only an unconvinced grunt and she asked for another bottle of sake.

"Where's your home, Gohama?"

He was dragging her through the streets, one hand snaked around her waist, the other holding her arm propped on his shoulders.

"North…" she mumbled.

"More specific, please."

"Across the Heji Mountains," she started with a rough voice and dragged out tone "where the snow that never melts and the birches make the land white."

He stopped suddenly and her head stumbled forward. "Fucking gods… are you actually singing?"

She leaned her head back against his shoulder and smiled at him, while giving a semblance of a shrug. "It's a beautiful song."

"Where's your apartment?"

Gohama messily turned her head around the street and looked back at him with another goofy smile. "I have no fucking idea." Then, she giggled.

The sound, so unlike the usual Gohama, bubbled through his chest. Genma couldn't help but chuckle. "I don't think I've ever seen you this drunk, Kyura."

He dropped his arm to swirl it around the back of her knees and lifted her up. Even if he was drunk himself and slightly wobbly on his feet, it would be faster to take her to Hansuke's. Genma didn't think it was a wise decision to bring a drunk pretty woman back to his apartment. He would never take advantage of a helpless girl, but it would be too tantalising to have her sleeping in his sheets. Even if it was difficult to place Gohama in the helpless bracket – a mumbling deadweight mess or not, Gohama was Gohama. Still, if she didn't know where she lived then maybe he should accept that she was at least in the mere mortal bracket that night.

Gohama let out a little yelp as he fixed his hold on her by flinging her a few millimetres in the air. She quickly snuggled against his chest, an arm wrapping around his neck as she nuzzled his collarbone with her cheek. Definitely a good idea to leave her with Hansuke.

"You're so warm. It's nice, you know"

He was sure she was taunting him on purpose. "Don't say things like that when I'm carrying you to another man's house."

"And you're very comfy." And she decided to show her appreciation by wiggling impossibly closer to him.

He tightened his grasp on her thigh as a warning. "You're so fucking drunk, Gohama."

"It's because you brought up that bastard." Her glassy gaze focussed on the movement of her hand as it played with his vest's zipper. "I know he's avoiding me, I disgust him."

"That kinky, huh?"

"Worse, I'm a whore. But shhh," she tried to clasp her hand against his mouth, fortunately for his mental health, she whimpered when his senbon pricked her palm. "Shhh," she repeated, "don't tell Suke, he'd never let me say it, or think it. If he knew the things I think about he'd be so mad." Then, she giggled again.

Now she sounded like a child. "Then, shut up, because I'm bringing you to his house."

This drunkest Gohama was the most bizarre thing he had ever witnessed. He had seen much weirder people, yes. Asuma high on shrooms at the end of the Third Ninja War was certainly the top one. But the contrast between her normal, composed self, and the woman giggling and confiding with him made it so much weirder.

Especially when she called herself a whore. Gohama was definitely not one, unless she was the sneakiest one in Konoha. Still, as slut number one, Genma knew about most of the women who slept around and he wasn't even sure she had slept with anyone in the Village. Unless she had lied. Whatever had happened between her and Hatake, they had most definitely slept together. And it seemed Hansuke knew something about it too.

She brought her other arm around his neck and pressed her forehead to the crook of his neck. "Genma-chan," he chuckled at the honorific "are we friends?"

Definitely, the most bizarre thing he had ever witnessed.

Genma had never consciously put a tag to their relationship, but yeah, friends felt right. He got along with two women besides Gohama, Anko and Kurenai. And maybe Shizune, even with their shitload of problems.

With Anko it was based mostly on stringless nights, it was messy companionship, always swinging between fights, avoidance and pretending they didn't actually care about each other.

Kurenai had always kept a certain distance from him, probably because she found his way of handling any woman obnoxious. They were all girls he had grown up with, gone through a war with, seen death with, and that complicity was mostly what made them friends.

With Gohama it was different. They had known each other for a year and he could already admit he had a soft spot for her, at least to himself. They got along really well and she was so romantically uninterested in him that his senseless flirting didn't bother her at all. His manly ego would have been more offended if he didn't enjoy her company with this particular, harmless teasing. It was a nice touch that kept her apart from the guys.

He was fully aware of how much of a woman she was, but somehow she was different from the others. He had only tried his luck with her once after the pre-selection to the jonin Exams. After an outrageous tab in whiskey for a sexless night, he had learned his lesson. And good thing he had, Genma enjoyed having her around as a friend.

"Of course, we are, my darling Kyura, who could say no to being friends with a gorgeous face like yours—"

She swatted at his shoulder. "Hey, you only like me for my looks." Her tone wasn't serious, she knew it was just his way of speaking.

"I wasn't finished. You're also really good company, and who can say no to that?"

She giggled again. "A lot of people."

"They're not very smart then. Especially that Hatake, for a genius prodigy he can be so fucking stupid." Her eyes turned back to his zipper. "I can put some sense into him, if you want to."

"And I'm the drunk one? Kakashi is the Copy-nin."

"Ouch," he would have taken his hand to his chest in a mocking gesture, if any were free. "my pride."

"It was a nice offer, but I don't need it. And please don't pry around, it's nothing. Okay?" He nodded. "Promise, Genma?"

"I promise." Considering it was Gohama and Kakashi, even if he tried he would never get anything. "Now sleep, darling. We're almost there."

Gohama was already passed out when Hansuke opened the door to his home, dressed in only his boxers and with half-lidded eyes. Genma stormed inside, making sure he wouldn't send him away with the sleeping girl on his arms, and laid her on his bed.

"What's going on, Shiranui?" Hansuke demanded, as he followed him inside, worry strong in his voice.

"Nothing, Gohama just passed out and I don't know where she lives and neither did she." Genma passed by his friend and gave strong dismissive pats to his shoulder. "Good night."

Hansuke brought a glass of water to his bedside table and internally winced out of sympathy for the killer hangover Gohama would have in the morning. He took out her sandals and tucked her in his sheets.

"Good night, Gohama." He whispered as he leaned to kiss her forehead.

He pulled out a futon and laid it next to his bed. She wouldn't be happy to find out he had given up his place next to her, but Hansuke knew it was too early for her to share his bed with him. For the past few months when they stayed in inns, he had always asked for four different beds instead of two, claiming he was having back problems. It was a weak excuse and Gohama knew, still she didn't argue with him.

To say Hansuke was worried wasn't enough. The bags under her eyes, the getting so drunk she couldn't remember where she lived, the not fighting with him over things she would before, the flinching at his sudden movements and the avoiding their team hangouts.

The trembling of her back and her erratic breathing now as she slept. Nightmares. Even when passed out from alcohol Gohama was having a nightmare. At least she was sleeping.

That fucking mission. He should have never let her take it.

Gohama's chakra quivered and flared and Hansuke sat up to see if she had woken up. Still sleeping. With a weary sigh, he lay down again and turned his back towards the bed.

He should have kept himself awake, he should have made sure Gohama was calm. But he didn't. He went back to sleep with the easiness he always had.

With a long groan torn out from her aching body, Gohama woke up. The first thing that hit her was the smell. Blood. She opened her eyes to a cover of darkness and she thought it was one of her nightmares. The stench of blood was always in them. She brought her hands up to her gaze but they were clean this time. In her nightmares, she was always soaked in red. The glow of her pale skin made her realise it was night-time and there was an almost full moon in the sky. There was never a moon in her nightmares.

Then came the shuddering breaths, so quiet and so pained in the calm full moon night. Who was it this time? Gohama was too afraid to see them. From the low tone, probably Father. The third thing that hit her was the chakra. Why had it taken her so long to feel it? Was it the throbbing of her head? Now she knew. This time, it was Hansuke.

Gohama rolled herself and started crawling towards him. Everything felt so real that she was even more terrified of facing the tattered image her mind had constructed this time, but she couldn't ignore him. The outgrown grass was moist from the cool night and she dug her fingers into the dirt so she could drag herself forward. It was too real. In her lucid dreams and in genjutsu there was always a sense of displacement, of foreignness, of un-substance.

This was real. Real. Real.

And then she was running and throwing herself to Hansuke's torn body. So much blood. So much blood. All over him and all over herself now. Why didn't she know proper medical jutsu? What worth was it to treat scratches and scanning for injuries if she couldn't heal them?

Why? She shouted to herself and to the world. Why was Hansuke dying? Why? Then the burning of her forearm hit her and with it the feel of that raw, monstrous power she knew so well, and yet never enough to control it. It flooded the air and it lingered in her burning pathways.

Monster. Monster. Monster.

And then she cried for help. Gohama had never cried for help. No one came for what could have been seconds or hours. With a chakra pulse into her hand seal, they were jumping halfway through the Village. Reckless, it could have killed him. But Gohama was desperate and time was Hansuke's enemy now, time and herself.

Hansuke's limp body hit white clear tiles and the redness of his blood was so much real now, fatal against the fragility of his skin. She continued to scream for help until her throat was scrapped out, her lungs hurt and someone was prying her out of Hansuke.

They had to hold her and she fought to reach for him, as she fought to do something. But there was nothing she could do and Gohama didn't really know what she was fighting for and against. Hansuke was drowned in a circle of white coats and all she could see was the blood that continued to slide through the white tiles.

Hansuke left in a stretcher and what was left behind was the muddy mess of red footprints and swipes of crimson and so much of his blood. The medics and Hansuke disappeared into a room. Her body went limp against the strong hold someone had on her. They tried to keep her up, but decided to let her fall to the floor on her knees.

Throwing herself to the side, she vomited all the alcohol she had drunk that night. Even her stomach felt as if it was trying to leave her body, every gut in her wanted to run away from the monster they were locked inside of. So she threw up until there was nothing more that could leave her, but her insides were still rotten. Rotten with the stench of blood, vomit and biju chakra.