Part IV | Chapter 5

Spring had bloomed in the overlooked, almost abandoned, training ground Gohama had chosen to make her own relaxing spot. Wild flowers and tall weeds covered the soil throughout the clearing, but thinned next to the stream where they were laying. Hansuke had his flak jacket serving as a pillow and Gohama had her head resting on his shoulder. He played with the ends of her nightly hair, as they fell midway through her back.

His arm was starting to get numb as it snaked around the weight of her neck. Still, he was enjoying her distant smoothing of the fabric over his stomach too much to move.

"Your arm's numb." She stated, he could feel her eyes narrowing, even if she was looking down at her own hand.

"You couldn't know that."

"But I do know it." She said smugly as she lifted her head and propped it on her fist instead. With a defying tilt to her eyes she neared his face. "I can feel your chakra flow, Suke, it weakens when people have a numb arm or leg."

"Ah, I'll remember not to underestimate your freaky Kyura sense next time."

She swatted him at his banter, her expression mirroring the playfulness in his. Until she turned serious. "Why didn't you say something?"

"It didn't bother me."

"Of course it did, Hansuke, everyone is bothered by a numb arm."

He was confused at why Gohama was troubled about something so insignificant. "Is this about a numb arm?"

"Will you just tell me next time?"

"Okay, Gohama, I will."

Her expression lightened and she smiled and Hansuke smiled back. Her gaze focussed on his mouth and she bit her lip. He didn't know if she had done it on purpose to entice him, Gohama had to know how that look went straight to his lower body. He brushed her hair over her shoulder, so it would fall through one side onto the grass next to his face. The pale column of her throat was exposed to him, and how he would love to run his lips and tongue through the soft skin, graze his teeth against her pulse and collarbone. He settled for a small and gentle caress from his fingers.

Gohama had pulled herself closer and hovered above him now. Her fingertips brushed a path from his chest, through his neck onto his face. They traced the skin of his cheek gently and her thumb brushed the stubble on his chin. Her green eyes were clear and warm, so warm he couldn't move and he let her do what she had set herself to do.

The smell of her, the feel of her, the warmth of her. Gohama was making his heart speed away from his chest and all she was doing was look at him and cradle his face. Could he even bear it if she kissed him? Hansuke had waited so long for it, the memories of their one night together always fresh in his skin.

Uncertainty flickered in her gaze and he was afraid she had finally caught up with her moves. Instead Gohama let the soft pad of her thumb brush his lower lip. A shiver ran down the length of him. He could already feel himself harden and his mind cloud with heat.

"Don't move." Her commanding breath tingled his warming cheeks.

His eyes moved from her moving lips to her eyes. Their starkness filled them as it hadn't done in so long and his heart fluttered. Hansuke didn't move. She slowly, painfully slowly, lowered herself to him, into him. And he would catch her and hold her and he would also fall into her.

Her lips brushed hesitantly against his and he focussed all of himself on not moving as Gohama had asked, not kissing her with all the passion bursting through his chest. The sweetness of it, so soft and quiet, and so unlike Gohama, was enough to make his stomach twist in giddiness and delight. He wanted more and still he followed her slow lead.

Soon, her tongue glided over the seam of his lips and he opened himself to her. The taste of her made a rumble rise from deep in his throat as his unruly hand gripped her hip more firmly, in return Gohama moaned. The hesitance had given place to eagerness and Hansuke's control was running away from himself.

Gohama lowered her soft and supple body onto his, her leg moving to straddle him. It brushed against his lap and the jolt of pleasure had almost sent him over the edge of his restraint.

"We should stop." He breathed out in between kisses.

Gohama held back a little and, with every last sense in him, he turned his lips to kiss her cheek instead and then her jaw. She pulled away and slid from him to lay on the grass. Hansuke turned to his side to look at her. Her lips were swollen and red, her eyes still clouded with craving, but also affection. And she smiled at him, Gohama was especially beautiful when she smiled. Her hand continued to cradle his face, while his fingers twirled lightly over her hip.

"You're always so patient with me, Hansuke." She said softly. "Thank you."

"Of course I am, my dear Gohama. I love you." Her eyes turned down and he cupped her cheek with his large hand. "You don't like it when I say it. Why…?"

"It's not that I don't like it, Hansuke… I just… It's not fair to you."

"Why wouldn't it be fair? I want to say it and I want you to accept it, accept me. Even if you can't give me all of you back. So, please, Gohama," he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear "don't turn away from me just because you think it isn't fair."

"I won't, if you promise to tell me when it stops being enough."

"Why wou—"

"Hansuke." She said sharply "I may not know a lot about this type of things, but I know it's not enough when one gives more than the other…"

Gohama sat up and pulled her knees against her chest, hiding her face away from him, towards the stream. The tips of his fingers traced the white wolf's crest embroidered into the back of her sage-green haori, as he pulled away some weeds that had caught there.

"What are we even doing, Hansuke…?" Why did she have to overthink everything? They just needed to move slowly and patiently, to wherever they felt like going. "I don't want to hurt you and I will… I know I will…"

"You won't." He sat up too and pulled her against his chest. "There's no pressure for you and for me. We're going to be the same. Maybe with a lot more kissing." he added lightly and was relieved at feeling her chuckle against his skin "When you're ready to, of course. Don't overthink it, Gohama. It's simple. I want you and I want to be with you. That's more than enough."

She lifted her head to look at him. "And I want you, Hansuke, and want to be with you." She smiled and it rose from deep inside her into her eyes, full of heart-warming affection. "It's simple." A cheeky light flickered in her green. "Now kiss me."

It wasn't simple at all, Gohama thought as Hansuke's fingers curled inside her and her legs trembled. She gripped the sheets with one hand and his hair with another. Her pants were fast and a long soft moan left through her open mouth. But Hansuke's rhythm faltered sometimes from tiredness and he lowered his mouth to one of her nipples. And still the lightning of pleasure that shot through her was not enough to let her fall over the edge. It never was. Neither with his mouth nor with his fingers could he make her come.

It wasn't because of him. They both knew it, even if Hansuke felt it was him lacking. They had a night together long ago to know that he had had no trouble then and neither had she.

His chest and brow were glistering from the heat of a Fire Country's summer night. His dark hazel eyes drank her in, as his tongue, that amazing, gorgeous tongue, darted through his swollen lips from kissing her. The image came only second to when she was the one touching him, and still she couldn't come.

They had spent three months slowly learning each other. During the first times, he had let their attentions fall only on her. Hansuke had been the sweetest, kindest, most patient man. With every gentle and loving touch he showered her with compliments and praise, with double-checks on her comfort and pleasure.

He had dismissed himself and couldn't understand that she wanted to touch him too, she needed it. He dismissed himself in everything for her sake and Gohama had already explained to him how she hated it. But he was stubborn and he was so blind sometimes. A fool. When finally he had listened to her, an entire other, marvellous side of their intimacy revealed itself to her.

Gohama loved kissing his skin, tracing his scars with her lips and tongue, dragging her teeth across his throat. But most she loved wrapping her hands around his hardness, loved learning what made him fall apart in her hands and mouth, the sounds he made, his beautiful furrowed brow in pleasure, the salty taste of him.

At first, she had been afraid of taking him into her mouth, but everything was different with him. She had control, she was the one carving his pleasure, either teasing him, or taking him as farther as she could. There was never an unwanted, violent grip on her hair or intrusive, painful shoves against her throat. Hansuke was even careful with his involuntary thrusts, but she loved them.

Gohama had never felt more loved in her life. She was not nothing anymore and the world was not nothing. Sometimes she felt like a child back in Snow, her stomach fluttering with the up and down wave of a swing, her hand reaching for the pale blue sky and it was there. She felt the relief of shedding cold, wet socks from snow once finally home, of wiggling her toes under the kotetsu. Relief, more than joy it was relief and giddiness. There was still the dark night outside closed doors, looming, ready to crash back inside, but the warmth of home kept it away.

Gohama had never realised how she had hungered for love, physical and there, until Hansuke had given it to her so freely. Yet she couldn't give it back. She couldn't even come for him.

"Hansuke…" she breathed between pants, as she held his wrist. "It's not going to happen…"

His fingers stopped and he gave her a long, painful look. Then he started again and she couldn't help but let out a moan. Hansuke lowered his head again, spreading open-mouthed kisses to her neck and shoulders. "You're almost there, Gohama... Come for me." Her walls tightened around his fingers at his desire-filled voice. He was good at hiding his frustration.

And still she was at the edge, never able to fall.

This time, she pulled his hand away, softly. "I'm sorry."

He kissed her lips. "Hey… no, Gohama, don't be sorry." He brushed his hand through her damp hair. "We'll get there. Remember, patience, no need to rush."

Her throat closed and she let out a shaky breath. "No, Hansuke, this is not normal… I don't know why I can't… I… What's wrong with me?" she whispered, her self-disgust seeping through her tone. "With you… why can't…" she buried her face on her hands, her voice came only as a small whisper "when with him…"

"Hey, Gohama…" he called softly, but his urgency was clear. He brushed her arm in an attempt at comfort. "Talk to me. What's going on?"

She pressed her face to his chest, too ashamed to look at him. "I'm sick, I'm so sick…" she explained through a pained whisper "he hurt me and I still… oh gods… I still came for him… I'm disgusting. I'm a whore…" She sobbed dryly against his chest.

"Hey, hey" said firmly and cupped her cheek, coaxing her to look at him. His gaze was stern and compassionate, hurting too. Hurting for her and with her. She hated that she did this to him. "That doesn't make you sick. That doesn't mean you enjoyed it, Gohama. It was your body's natural reaction, nothing more. And that mission doesn't make you a whore. Never say that about yourself again, never. Never think it." He pressed his forehead to hers. "Promise me, Gohama."

"I can't…" she whispered weakly.

"You trust me, don't you?" She nodded. "Then trust me when I say you're nothing of those things. Trust me and promise me, okay?" She nodded again and he held her tighter and pressed his lips to the top of her head, whispering "Okay."

They just lay there in the soaked sheets from their sweat, but Gohama hardly noticed it. She hardly noticed the scorching heat of Hansuke's arms around her, that the night's breeze did little to sooth. All her heart was fixed on his words, trying to print them into itself. She needed to believe it, she wanted to, for the both of them. Hansuke could deny it, but she knew this was taking a toll on him. Why couldn't he admit it? It wouldn't break her, it would help her not to feel alone. But he never could.

"Talk to me about what happened. I know you don't want to, but try, Gohama. It helps, it really does." He murmured against the top of her head.

"I will, but not now, please." Her voice became smaller. "Maybe if we have sex, if it's you inside me—"

"We talked about this. That won't solve anything. I know you want me, I don't doubt that, but it's different once you feel me."

"How could you know, we never tried it." She answered dryly.

"It will be the same as how it was with my fingers. It's normal, it takes time. I know this, Gohama. Please don't try to rush things, I'm happy as it is."

"I know you want more."

"Of course I do." He said tenderly "I want all of you, Gohama, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy or pleased." His lips twisted into a cheeky smirk. "You know how to please me."

She chuckled a little and he smiled, a deep, beautiful smile. Why couldn't she love him?

The three were stumbling out of the training grounds, after a tiring spar. Hansuke was on a mission so they had decided to train at night and it had been a nice change of routine and good for their heated selves from this year's unforgiving summer. Now, they were too tired to make sense and just laughing their way through the trees. The adrenaline had taken away their sleepiness, but wasn't enough to give their heads any energy to make sense.

Kisamaru had said something stupid and Nikato and Gohama were laughing like mad people. Gohama was grasping onto Kisa's arm, using it as a way to smother her raging, rocking, too exhausting laughter. Her other arm was wrapped around her stomach, but it did little to ease the sore pain. Nikato had stopped all together, supporting his hands against his knees.

"I'm crying!" Gohama whined between laughs, her words barely articulated, "You made me cry."

As proof, she wiped the moisture from the corner of her eyes with a finger and shoved it onto Kisamaru's face, whipping it on his cheek. He made an expression of disgust and pushed her hand away.

"You made the impossible!" Nikato exclaimed somewhere from behind them.

"Shh." Kisamaru whispered, his tone serious, but they couldn't stop laughing. "Someone's praying."

Still trying to keep their giggles down, the both of them glanced up to the figure standing in front of the cenotaph. The rumbling of mirth quickly died out in her throat. Only the ginger was left giggling behind his arm.

That had sobered her up. With that wild silver hair, it had to be Kakashi. But everything about his posture screamed defeat and the worse was his chakra. Gohama hadn't even recognised it, only now as she saw him could she see the underlying likeness. There was nothing to contain, because his wildness was flat and dull. She could sense the seven chakra natures, with lightning standing out, but instead of the tingles it used to leave behind on her skin there was only a quiet, shy whisper to her awareness.

It was one of those days, then. Gohama felt the impulse to stand beside him, but they hadn't talked in a long time and she was sure he still didn't want to be around her. Now she would impose her presence to a frail man. Because that was what he was that night, in front of the cenotaph. Not the great Copy nin, but a frail, grieving man.

"It's okay, it's just Kakashi-sempai, he's always there." Nikato dismissed with a still breathless voice.

But it wasn't okay. Nothing about his posture was okay and no matter how rooted her resentment towards the man was, her heart still tightened at the lonely sight. Even if she went there, as something inside her was calling her to, what could she do? There were no words that could sooth.

Nikato started walking away, but Gohama still wasn't certain she should leave. With her, stayed Kisamaru, stuck to her strong hold of his arm. Stronger now as she was watching Kakashi than when she had been laughing. She could feel Hyuga's attentive eyes on her. He had known something was off with her after that mission so many months ago and that she had fallen out with Kakashi. It wasn't difficult, they never talked to each other, they didn't even stay on the same room. But no one had asked about it, not Kisamaru, nor Gai, nor Hansuke, only Genma.

Kisamaru pried her hands away from his arm and went to meet Nikato. He was giving her the space to do whatever she wanted to do. He probably had realised Kakashi wasn't okay too. Scanning the earth at her feet, Gohama caught sight of a black pebble and picked it up. After a few hand signs it morphed into fragile, white flowers, snowdrops.

And fuck it.

"Wait for me here." She asked her two teammates.

Then she walked carefully towards the slouching man. Her chakra flaring as not to startle him. He never acknowledged her presence, he just kept gazing into the stone, his hands shoved inside his pockets and his shoulders so much more slouched with the weight. Gohama kneeled down in front of the memorial stone and laid the flowers at its bottom. The pure, frail white sharp against the darkness of the obsidian cenotaph.

She lowered her head to greet the dead. "I honour and thank your sacrifice for the life of the Village. In memory and spirit, you live through us."

She let the silence settle for the dead, whether they would listen or not, whether they remained with them or not, whether they seized to exist or not. The rituals had always been mostly for the living. Then she rose, still facing the stone.

Kakashi turned to her, his bloodshot eye stabbing into her own, not because of the disgust or aversion she thought would be there, but because there was none, there was nothing. His gloved hand reached towards her, all the way to her face and she watched it, frozen, as it hovered next to her cheek. And then it fell without ever touching her.

"You shouldn't be here." He whispered, more of a warning than a demand for her to get away.

His arm extended to her and she could hear the sloshing of liquid inside a bottle. She took it mostly out of sympathy and sipped. Her throat burned and eyes stung, not used to such strong sake. It explained his red eye and his indulgence towards her presence, he was wasted.

"Not only the dead need flowers, you know." She told the quiet air.

Kakashi asked with a muted voice. "Do you leave them to the living too?"

She glanced over her shoulder to her two teammates and friends and touched the snowflake neckless at her chest, the one Hansuke had given to her more than a year ago on her birthday. "I try." Finally, she looked down to the white, pendant petals of the flowers. She had brought them for him, hadn't she? How could her resentment quiet itself so readily?

"Good."

With that, she left him to mourn alone and towards her waiting boys. Spinning back around suddenly, she said, "That's just a henge on a stone, by the way. So, don't wonder when you see only a stone there."

A week later there was a bouquet of snowdrops outside her windowsill - he still had his chakra on her seals, and yet had chosen not to enter her apartment. Ones that withered and died, as everything always did in the end.

Nikato's screams of pain were breaking through his skin, muscles and ribs, stabbing right into his heart. Hansuke had seen so many exposed fractures, on himself too, but seeing his student's white bone ripped out of his flesh made him blank and sick. He knew he would be okay. Kisamaru was already by his side, trying to heal the damage, but the screams and the wound triggered right into his panic.

"It's okay, Nikato. You'll be okay." He tried to ease him. Very poorly.

The boy looked down on his leg and whimpered, quickly turning away. "It hurts so fucking much."

Hansuke let him grip his hand with a crushing force. Kisamaru had entered his blank medic mode and Gohama was finishing off their enemies. There was no one to comfort the boy except for him. He let out more empty words that did nothing to relief the fear and pain from Nikato's dark eyes.

He heard Gohama's quiet and hesitant footfalls against the dried leaves that covered the soil. When she finally reached them, her face had turned a dead like shade of paleness, the tint sharper against autumn's oranges and reds. She fell onto her knees beside Nikato and gently pulled his head onto her lap and let him rest there. One steady hand searched for his, so he could hold it and the other brushed Nikato's wild ginger hair.

"Hi there, Kato-chan." Gohama called, her voice the softest Hansuke had ever heard.

The boy's screams calmed into grunts, but his expression was still twisted in agony. Gohama continued her nurturing of Nikato's hair. It wasn't just her tone that was soft. Her entire face had changed into a tenderness he had never seen in her. A tenderness so calm, so full of hope and care, Hansuke had never imagined she could pull it off. But she did. Gohama slipped into the role with a naturalness that spoke of an entire side she hid inside her heart. Gohama could still surprise him.

She talked with her teammate of banal things. The barbeque they were going to devour after the mission, a new brand of sake she had found, a girl Nikato had set her eyes on before. And, even through the pain of setting back bone, muscle and flesh, she had soothed him from screams to grunts and whimpers. He even answered her sometimes, chuckled shortly.

Hansuke watched her motherly care with a full heart, almost aching. It made his affection burn deeper, made him want to jump over to hold her and kiss her. She was beautiful, even with the weariness, sweat and blood of a fight, her expression exuded grace. He could admire her forever.

The future he imagined with her had gained a new substance, realness. He could see her holding their child in her arms, admiring them with devotion and tenderness. Two big green eyes smiling up at her. The picture shone with such intensity, Hansuke could feel his eyes sting. They could be happy, they would be happy together. Hansuke was already hers.

In her gaze as she comforted her teammate as a woman comforts her son, Hansuke saw the promise of their shared life, full in love and happiness and life.

"… yeah, you're right, that cute nurse would be great for our Kisa-chan. When we get back to Konoha, we have to find a way of getting them together."

"The first date could be in that teashop near the hospital, do you know the one, Gohama? There are always couples there, a bit on the expensive side."

Gohama was ready to add her own opinions on the matter, when Kisamaru interrupted them. "This is all I can do for now." He informed while packing his medic utensils in his back pouch. "I'm afraid you'll have to leave your machinations over that lovely nurse and me for later. Hansuke-sensei?"

Gohama lifted her gaze towards his own with a small smile. Hansuke smiled back, his head still far away, in some place where the two of them were alone and together. Where he was free to love her with all the overflowing love he had for her.

Her smile turned into an amused smirk. "Hansuke?" She raised her eyebrows expectantly.

What could she want from him? "Yes, Gohama?"

"Your instructions." Her voice was dripping in amusement "Taicho."

His brow bunched together. Taicho? Was she playing some game with him, maybe trying to tease him? She only called him that with a mix of mocking and seduction, but that was usually reserved for their intimate moments. Oh, she was teasing him for later, she loved doing that around the boys just to get him flustered. It wouldn't work this time. He had a provocative private quip ready to roll of his tongue, when Kisamaru called his attention.

"Sensei, are you okay?"

His head snapped towards the Hyuga. "Of course, why—"

"We've been asking for your instructions now that Nikato is healed."

His eyes widened in realisation and his cheeks burned. From the corner of his eye, he could see Gohama biting her lower lip to keep herself from laughing.

He looked down at the ginger. "Good to see you okay, Nikato." Standing up quickly and with determination, he turned away from them and started walking towards the fighting perimeter. "I'll take care of the down enemies, Gohama with me, you two wait for us. We'll leave for the small town south of here and spend the night in an inn."

Pleased that he had managed to salvage the leftovers of his dignity, Hansuke continued with his task of assessing the fallen bodies. Gohama crouched in front of him with that self-satisfied smirk of hers he really wanted to kiss away. "What happened back there? Got lost in some naughty fantasies?"

"Gohama, please spare some of my wounded pride." He pleaded.

She reached across their distance to grab the collar of his shirt and snatch him towards her. Her breath teased his ear and a trill ran down his spin. "I'm more than happy to turn them into reality."

It was the lamest of lines and there was a fucking dead body between them and still his cock was gladly incited by her provocative tone. To add up to the twisted scene, his heart was singing at her words, even if she hadn't meant them. She didn't know his fantasies had been of them building a family together, of her as a mother and him as a father and husband.

Hansuke was mess, torn between taking her right there and holding her while whispering promises to the top of her head. And the worst was he couldn't do any of them in that moment and probably until they reached Konoha. Instead he pressed a soft and discreet kiss to the crook of her neck.

She pulled away to look at him, the teasing had washed away from her face. "Are you okay?" She stroked his cheek and he couldn't help but lean into her touch. "Is it Nikato? He's fine now and will be completely healed in a few weeks."

A pinch of guilt took over him. His former student had had his tibia ripped out of his leg and all he could think about was Gohama. It was dangerous how she could become his only thought so easily, especially on a mission, especially when another teammate, one he also loved, was injured. So dangerous. He was the fucking team leader.

He pulled away from her hand and started rummaging through the body between them. "Go comb through the others." Her hand fell to her knee and she walked away to obey her team leader's orders.

The inn was a slightly better and costlier one that what they usually got. Considering Nikato's injury, they wanted him to be comfortable. Hansuke had wanted to stay in a room alone with Gohama, but his leader's duty spoke louder. It had been enough to overlook his teammate so shamefully while he was scared and in pain. With Nikato wounded and Kisamaru's chakra almost depleted, Hansuke and Gohama were the ones able for proper vigilance during the night.

Their room was a small one with two double beds and a bathroom. When he left the bathroom, the boys were already sound asleep and Gohama nestled in the bed next to the window. The shower had done some good to calm his thoughts and unruly emotions. He slipped inside the covers, farther from her than it was normal. His mind already set on taking control over whatever urges he always had when it came to her.

However, Gohama wasn't privy to his mental resolve and promptly curled up against his back. The warmth of her breathing against his neck and of the arm that had wrapped around his chest was tantalising. He had to force himself not to turn around and kiss her with all the affection building up under his skin ever since he saw that look of hers.

It was the same as before, after her first jonin mission when he had been scared of touching her. He still shivered at the times his control had almost slipped through his fingers, his restraint had almost shattered. Hansuke was smart enough not to dwell on those what-ifs. Now, he no longer had to hold back, and neither did she. After half a year together, patience and steady steps, Gohama had taken back what Dazai had stolen from her. It came back to the surface from time to time, but it always did.

Then his fear had been for how he could hurt her, now it was for how he could hurt their team. There was a reason Konoha prevented couples, not that they were a conventional couple, from being on the same team.

Her hold grew tighter and she let out a shaky breath. Something wasn't right. There was almost desperation in how she tried to merge herself to him. Taking a deep composing breath, Hansuke turned around to face her. She didn't even let him see her expression, before she was pressing herself back into him, her face settling in the crook of his neck. Hansuke was worried now.

"Gohama?" he whispered not to wake the others.

"It was awful." She puffed "Nikato… it was awful."

Hansuke had been so reassured by her firm presence, he hadn't even thought how it might have affected her. Of course, it had taken a toll on her, to be the rock of the team, to bury her own dread and only ooze calm and safety. Kisamaru had shut himself off into his medic role, Hansuke had been useless, only showing worry and empty support.

The same admiration full of love as before burst to him again. Hansuke held her impossibly closer to him and nuzzled her hair with his cheek. Gohama didn't care for hollow words of comfort, so he just held her. If she wanted to talk, she would talk.

Gohama pulled herself away, so she could look at him. "It reminded me so much of Yukine."

Hearing of her brother surprised him. She talked little of him, less than she talked of her parents. Hansuke suspected it was because his death had been the one to cut deeper. Her parents had been both shinobi, Yukine was only a child, not even in the academy yet. As an older sister, her role had been to protect him.

"I took him to the park one day. He was probably three at the time and fell from the swing, twisting his wrist. I freaked out, his hand was all bent the wrong way. He cried so much. I had to sooth him while the medic healed him. I knew it wasn't a bad injury, I certainly had suffered much worse, but I was so scared." Gohama was sharing while staring at his collar, her fingers smoothing the fabric there. When she finished, she looked up at him with a shy smile. "It's the bone injuries. They freak me out." Her tone with playfulness now, an attempt to mask her true worry.

"You were amazing, Gohama. You made me fall in love with you all over again." He pressed his forehead to hers. "I wish I could show you how much I love you."

"You can."

"No, Gohama, I can't. I fucked up. Today my teammate was hurting and all I could see was how beautiful you were and the future we could have together. It's dangerous..."

She pulled away from him, her lips pursed and eyes sharp. "Hansuke..." she warned, "I need you as my teammate first."

"Either way, even if we're not together, I could never stop loving you more. On a battle I'll inevitably run to you."

"Hansuke, no, please."

"Our team is fucked up and they don't even know it. I'm the team leader and my subordinates, the people I'm responsible for, are not equal."

"I need you to promise me you'll always choose the boys over me."

"Gohama, I can't."

Her hand fisted in his shirt. "Promise me. If it's between my life and one of theirs choose them. And yours, always your life over mine too. Always. I need you to promise me."

"I can't promise you that. I don't know what I'd do in the moment."

"I'd never forgive you. For the rest of my life I'd always resent you if you ever choose me above them. Now promise me, please."

"I promise if you promise me you'll choose them over me."

"I promise."

"Okay. I promise."

"Now let's sleep, so we get back to Konoha fast and I can fuck your brains out."

Hansuke growled, his body reacting instantly to her words. But he wouldn't let her slide untouched. Nearing her ear, his tongue teased the sensitive skin of her earlobe. "And I'll fuck those teasing words out of that pretty mouth of yours, until all it can do is scream my name, Gohama."

Her body had tensed up at his words, her breath caught in her throat. He finally felt her relax against him again as she breathed out. "Fuck, Hansuke… Now I won't sleep."

He chuckled lowly, proud of his effect on her. His hand slid down her back onto the back of her thigh. Grabbing the supple flesh there, he brought it over his own leg. His fingers brushed the inner skin, up and she grasped the material of his shirt. Gohama threw a warning glance over her shoulder to their teammates.

"Taking care of you is fine, just don't scream my name now." He whispered with a bantering tone while brushing the tip of his fingers, so very lightly, over her slit. Gohama's pretty lips parted in a silent sigh and she pressed them to his shoulder.

Hansuke would definitely have to take care of himself in the privacy of the bathroom.

A freezing breeze from late autumn's air hit Kisamaru's back as he studied in his room. He raised himself to close the window, when Gohama's crouching figure on his windowsill made him halt.

"If the clan finds you here, we will both be punished."

She waved her hand dismissively. "Don't worry, having to come here is punishment enough." That typical glint of teasing took over her eyes "Your compound stinks of Hyuga chakra."

"Surprising." He answered dryly, while turning around to sit by his medical book again.

"Come have a drink with me, Kisa." He could feel her childish pout through her voice. "You know, your chakra is the only Hyuga one that feels like a summer night..."

He snorted. "I'm lightning."

"…in a summer storm."

"You should know well enough that compliments only work with Nikato. Why do you even want to have a drink with me?" Kisamaru knew why. It was not the first time Gohama had come to his room in the middle of the night, asking for a drink.

"I'm rescuing you. No one studies on a Friday night."

"It's Tuesday."

They already knew that Kisamaru would come. He never admitted it to her, but he certainly preferred her company to the one of a medical book. Still, for some reason, they both enjoyed their little pretend game, where Gohama made excuses for why she wanted to be with him without seeming a needy person and Kisamaru made excuses for why there was no reason for him to come, when he actually wanted to. It was easier to pretend they didn't depend on one another, even if both of them clearly knew they did.

"It's happy hour at a rundown bar on the civilian district."

"Will you pay for the first two rounds?" She nodded and he raised himself, going for the sandals stored in his closet. "How do you even know of a place in the civilian district?"

"Genma and a night of binging bars."

They were two and a half bottles of sake in when Gohama ventured through the reason she had asked him to get a drink with him. Hansuke-sensei and she had had a fight.

They hid their romantic relationship, but Kisamaru had been aware of it for months. Their connection had been different from the beginning. Hansuke-sensei had loved her almost since then. Even Nikato knew he loved Gohama. After she returned to their team, his usual posture had changed. Sensei let his eyes hold Gohama with love and openness and she smiled. Gohama smiled more at him, quiet, almost shy smiles she didn't even realise she was letting free. And giggles too. When they were talking in hushed tones to each other, a few steps behind Kisamaru and Nikato, or in front of them, as they travelled on missions, or out of the training grounds, she would giggle and he would chuckle. Hearing Gohama giggle made an odd bubbly feel rise in Kisamaru's chest.

It was almost sweet, except when it was not. And when it was not, Gohama chose to confide in him, never admitting the true nature of their relationship. He didn't give advises, as he could recognise his lack of knowledge on the matter of romance, and Gohama was not searching for them.

"You know how he is…" she slurred. "Always trying to fix things and sometimes it's just… sometimes—I don't know… He dismisses himself. I try, I really do but he wants everything to be about me." A bitter chuckle. "And yet he never listens to me."

"Hansuke-sensei is kind and wants to help us."

"I know he is." She said, her eyes softening. "But this is different. I think it's a trauma. When his mo—" she stopped herself, not knowing if Kisamaru knew about him treating his depressed mother when a kid, but he knew. Sensei was open an honest with them.

"His mother I know. It's possible that he tries to emend what he thinks is his failure towards his mother with you. But my knowledge of psychology is very limited."

"It makes sense… Everything we do it's because of what happened before in our lives." Her eye turned down, attentive to the absent motion of twirling the sake cup against the table. "He was so…" he could see the curl of her lips through her dark hair, they were twisted in what seemed like a sneer. Kisamaru readied himself for a rant about Sensei. "… so young. How it must have hurt him, to see his mother's sadness… to think he wasn't a good enough child to make his mother happy…" She hid her face between her hands and he could only hear a shaky breath, "oh Hansuke…"

Surprise wasn't enough to express the disquiet that settled, heavy and cold, in his stomach. The only crushing emotion Gohama had ever showed to him was anger. There was sadness in her eyes sometimes, she tried to conceal it, but sometimes it spilled forth. Mirth also, when they messed around as friends, sometimes it bloomed all over her face. Her care was shy, but he knew it was there.

But this raw, yet muted show paled all the other ones. It had seeped from deep inside her and it reached deep inside him as well. And suddenly, with a crashing wave, he was staring at someone he had never met. His eyes snapped away, uncomfortable at witnessing something he should not be privy with. He knew it was there, but he had never actually seen it. Compassion. It even made his own chest hurt, not only for his sensei, but for her.

"If only I could lo—" even drunk she stopped herself from saying it in front of him "if I could be happy for him." She looked up at him with a dreamy and sad smile "he'd be so happy... don't you think, Kisa? So happy."

But Kisamaru knew Gohama didn't love Hansuke, he knew she couldn't love him and wouldn't love him. She could care for people, give her life to protect them, but she couldn't love. Her love had extinguished itself with her Village. Only to the dead could she give all of herself. He didn't blame her, Gohama had worse traumas than Hansuke-sensei. No one survived a massacre alone without deep, crippling scars. But he worried for Hansuke-sensei. He loved too much and Gohama didn't love at all. It would have been balanced if the both of them didn't need to be loved, but they did. They were doomed, whether they stayed together or not, they were doomed and so was their team.

Kisamaru could say nothing and Gohama had nothing more to say. They stayed quiet and he ordered another bottle of sake. He hoped its burn could sooth the ice frosting in his guts. The corners of his vision was starting to blur and it made it more difficult for him to keep his back straight and his hands from fidgeting.

"I upset you."

He started at her voice and the quiet stare she had pinned on him. "I'm not upset."

"You always turn stern when you're upset. And you're sterner than Hyuga Hiashi." A smirk eased her expression and he eased with it. This Gohama he knew.

"I explained you before, compliments have no influence on me."

She gave him a light shove with her shoulder. "Is the Hyuga head really like that? Or is it just for outside show?"

"Hiashi-sama truly is as he seems, but he has to be."

The playfulness washed away from her face. "I can't joke about that then, even if he's a Hyuga. Father also had to be a lot of things he didn't want to be." Gohama never talked about her family. She talked of her clan, village and land, but never her family. Before he could have an internal freak out, she added, "Tell me about your parents. You never talk of them. All I know is from Nikato and the food you sometimes bring for us. I hope you've told your mother how much I love her miso soup."

He smiled, he had never known Gohama was interested in knowing of his family. "I have, she was very surprised to learn a Kyura ate other food besides fish."

She laughed and he wanted for her rumble to quiet down to start talking.

The two chunin wishing him a happy birthday left to get another drink and Hansuke could finally watch Gohama unhindered. She was dancing with Gai, but the words that best described it was being manhandled. The Green Beast of Konoha twirled her back and forth, raised her in the air as if she weighed less than cotton, and completely missed the beat of the song. At least, Gohama was laughing, her eyes bright with the effort of accompanying Gai, and cheeks a pretty red from embarrassment.

He brought his beer to his lips and almost choked himself when he saw the blur of purple that took a spot next to him.

"Easy there, Hansuke." Yugao joked as she patted his back gently.

"You came." He turned to her with a smile, her nose still red from being outside in the cold of winter.

"I even brought a present." She threw him a small box and he promptly opened it. Inside was a dark and rich silk cord used to wrap around the handle of a ninjato. "It always bothered me when you fought around with frayed ito. I bet you're not taking care of the last one I gave you. At least, silk lasts longer."

Hansuke cheeks were starting to hurt from the wide grin he had as he stared at the gift and the woman beside him. Since they were on their genin team into their ANBU squad, Yugao had always annoyed him about his unkempt wrapping around the handle of his weapons.

He turned to look at her and pulled her into a tight hug. "Thank you for coming and for the present."

"Iruka made sure I would." She explained as they pulled away.

"I thought he'd stopped trying for some time now."

"He did, but this was a favour for Kyura." She pointed towards the dance floor with her glass.

Hansuke's head snapped to Gohama, who was now dancing with Genma. Her embarrassed blush spread all across her face and neck, as they were actually dancing. Her only carefree dancing was when it were just the two of them in his home. He had had to force her into that habit, in the beginning she would blush just as she was now.

His heart fluttered at her care for him. She had not only gone through the trouble of preparing this surprise party for him, which he would never have known if Genma hadn't spilled the beans once he got drunk. She had even been attentive in inviting Yugao, the teammate he hadn't truly talked to in years.

"You love her."

Hansuke turned to her, eyebrows raised in surprise, but a goofy grin still plastered on his face. "How could—"

She laughed. "It's definitely very obvious." She dropped her eyes to her beer and played with its label. "You have a type, you know, Hansuke. You always did like your damaged women."

"That's not why I love her."

"I hope you aren't putting the same pressure on her about being a happy little girl."

"It's not pressure. I want her to be happy. I want you to be happy."

"Do you really think she can be happy?"

"Of course." He gave Yugao a deep, meaningful look. "And I know since Hayate died it may feel impossible, but I know you can be happy too, Yugao."

Her sad and kind smile reminded him of their ANBU times. "You always were a bit of a fool." Hansuke chuckled, Gohama had always loved to call him that.

"Leave ANBU."

"You know I can't do that. I'm not like you, I'll have nothing then."

"You'll have me, Iruka, we're your friends."

"You still think we're friends?" her voice was quiet and wavered slightly.

"Of course. I love you, not the way I used to, but I still love you."

"I broke your heart." She whispered with another sad smile.

"You did, but I got over it a long time ago."

Yugao leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed. "Don't try to be a happy little boy for her too. That's not what she needs and from what I've heard of Kyura I doubt that's what she wants." Yugao let out a curt snort. "It had to be a Kyura."

"I couldn't even look her in the eyes when she first came to Konoha." His voice faltered and Yugao slid her cold hand into his. "She thought I was shy…" he chuckled, but there was no amusement in the rumble of his throat. Yugao chuckled too, but mostly out of sympathy.

"What will you do, Hansuke?" she didn't even tried to mask the worry in her voice.

For the first time, he realised the steps he was walking on weren't there, and his heart jolted from the sudden void. A wave blurred away the future he had drawn for them into a dark blotch. His eyes made a frantic search for Gohama, jumping from hazy face onto hazy face, until he found her. Her hair was a dark stain around her cheery expression as she danced with Genma, her movements light as she twirled away from him. Gohama was falling away from his fingers, but she wasn't his to keep. Gohama wasn't his and, somehow, that made things better.

"I really do hope she can make you happy." Yugao kissed his cheek and left.

Hansuke rose to get a stronger drink. He downed three shots and tore through the crowd of Ippon towards Gohama. Then, he brought her to him and started dancing, leaving Genma confused at the loss of his partner.

"What are you doing, Suke?" her reprimand warm against his ear.

"It's my birthday. I deserve to dance with the woman I want to."

The shots where making their way into his brain, but he didn't care. His hand spread across the small of her back and pulled her flush against his front. Hansuke would hold her until she chose to leave.

Gohama rolled the glass of sparkling wine between her two hands as she watched Hansuke and his friends talk loudly about nothing in particular, their drunk slurs and minds too far gone to make sense to anyone but themselves. Genma, Iruka, Asuma, Raido, Gai, even Kakashi was there, in the middle of the fuss of whatever conversation they were trying to have. The bar was full, of course. Everyone liked Hansuke and everyone wanted to appreciate his 24 years of life. People she had only seen in passing, others she never even knew existed. That was how Hansuke was, he got along with everyone, he was kind and simple to everyone.

It made her heart full to see him have fun, to see him happy with the ones he cared about. But, at the same time, it was never alone, there was always a quiet sourness looming in her. What was he doing with her? There were women out there so much better for him than she was. Women that could love him the same way he loved them. Fully. Gohama had done nothing for him. It was only Hansuke the one to push her forward, to push both of them forward. Whatever they were to each other… If Gohama could love someone, it would be Hansuke. An if would never be enough for them, no matter how much he hoped it were.

Hansuke was a fool and Gohama was too selfish. That was what kept them together, not love or care. Hansuke may love her, but even that would never be enough to make someone endure a half-relationship. Gohama cared deeply for him, she needed him, but even that wasn't enough to make her give him what he wanted.

Whether they stayed together or broke apart, they were doomed.

Kurenai slid onto the bench to sit next to her. "This is a nice party you planned. Never took you as the type."

"Why do you think it was me?" Gohama brought the cup to her lips.

"It wasn't any of the guys or his students, so that only left you."

"There wasn't much planning needed. Just rent Ippon and tell Genma, you can trust him to bring half the Village."

Kurenai's only response was a hum and then they were both silent. From the tint in those striking red eyes, Gohama suspected what her purpose in sitting beside her was. They talked little between themselves, since their relationship was mostly one of circumstance. She had always been nice with Gohama, but the age gap seemed too large to cross when with the guys its size was never there.

"You can ask."

"How long have you been together?"

Gohama turned a little on her seat to face her. "How can you be sure."

"I wasn't. For more than a year, I haven't been sure, but after tonight." She gave her a privy smile and it made Gohama blush like a child who had been found doing something she shouldn't. "Hansuke can't hide it, but you, Gohama… Only this lovesick look you had when you were looking at him just now was enough to make me certain."

"That doesn't mean we're together."

"It was the type of look you give to a partner."

Gohama didn't know what made her answer. "Almost a year, maybe longer. There wasn't really an official talk. We were just together, I suppose…" She twisted back on her seat to pick up her cup. After a year, Gohama still wasn't sure what they were doing.

Kurenai laid a gentle hand on her forearm. "If you ever need a woman's ear, you can come to me, Gohama."

She needed it, to chat away with a woman. To have a conversation with the underlying complicity of being women. To whine about periods, waxing, makeup, and clothes. To giggle over the best butt of Konoha, the best abs and arms. Gohama felt the missing as she heard the women and girls gossiping in the bathhouses, sometimes smiling to herself, always on the other side of the window, always with a pinch of regret.

Isune… she called silently in her mind. What would Isune have said of her relationship with Hansuke? Nothing. Isune would have said nothing. She had been crystallised at nine years old. What could she say to her alive friend that had lived ten more years than she had? Nothing. She was dead.

"Thank you, Kurenai." Then she turned her eyes to the group of men. "I'm glad they have someone that can put some sense into them."

It was Genma's turn. From his early karaoke performance, playfully serenated to Anko, it was obvious he knew how to sing. He rose onto the low stage, making a show out of taking his senbon – which he hadn't done before – and sticking it into the wall. With a solemn expression, he looked at them. It seemed only Gohama was out of the loop. Everyone else knew what was happening, including Nikato and Kisamaru. It was probably a Konoha thing.

Seeing her confused expression, drunk Hansuke neared his mouth to her ear. Gohama was too drunk to call him to attention. Besides, everyone was focused on Genma and the thrill at Hansuke's warm breath over her skin was too pleasurable. "Get ready for a piece of Konoha's tradition." Before moving away, he nibbled her earlobe and she clumsily jabbed him in the ribs.

"Don't push it, Suke."

He feigned more pain than the hit had caused him. "Why, Gohama? Can't take a little bite?" His teasing smirk always turned into a lopsided, droopy-eyed smile when he was drunk.

Before she could answer back, Genma called for their attention with a cough. "We could not have a karaoke night without paying respects for our fallen comrades, since the beginning of Konohagakure to today." The meaning of his words were sober, but there was a playful glint to his tone. It didn't sit well with Gohama. "But mostly without whining about our cruel life and superiors. I invite all to sing with me." He turned to the clerk on the mixer. "Hit it, my dude."

The instrumentals were that of a military campaign hymn, one an army would sing before entering battle. But when the lyrics started the tone was still calm. Genma started singing alone, his full honeyed timber echoing through the bar, clashing with the smoke fogged place and drinking night. There was an expectant glint in everyone's eyes.

They all joined in one verse "And the Anzio bridgehead was held for the price of a few hundred ordinary lives."

And they continued to sing along with Genma. The song was about the sacrifice of a company of soldiers told by the son of one of them. Everyone was singing, even Kakashi, who hadn't opened his mouth since the beginning of the night, at least not when she had been near. The song spoke of the leader's indifference towards the sacrificed lives of his subordinates and the son's pain. War orphans were common throughout the Ninja Villages. And Gohama was certain the fallen soldiers' lives were always honoured. In Bukigakure, it would have been outrageous to sing such an offensive, angered song about the Kage and generals. But here they sang it proudly and together. Here was tradition.

Then the singing turned into a full angered cry. They all stood up and sang, even if out of tune, at the top of their lungs with clumsily and wide gestures, full of emotion and history.

Gohama's drunken chest tightened as she watched this group of Konoha shinobi, of comrades, of friends singing together about the pains of their ninja duty. It was one of sacrifice and death and they all accepted that proudly and eagerly. Gohama didn't doubt they would offer their lives just to hold a bridge, but they still needed to vent out the burden of their warrior duty. And not just themselves, what made it more unbearable was that it was their precious people too.

"They were all left behind. Most of them dead, the rest of them dying."

If she had known the song, she would have joined in. But she wasn't a Konoha kunoichi, not truly. She was Buki's. This was their tradition, not hers. And still her eyes stung at the rawness of the moment. The one that came from a moving instant that tore into her and made her empty chest fill with something again, even if only for that instant. She was glad just from watching their comradery by the shore.

Hansuke glanced down at her and offered her his hand. She took it, warm and steady, and he pulled her to stand, wrapping on arm around her and forcing her to sway along with him.

"And that's how the High Command took my daddy from me." With that final word, the song abruptly ended.

The bar was silent and heavy until Genma raised his glass and yelled "To Konoha!" There was no mock in his words, only devotion. He downed his alcohol and all did the same, including Gohama.

Gohama nuzzled the crook of his neck and sank wholeheartedly into his embrace, into the feel of his arms around her neck and waist, his legs lost between hers, his chest pressed against her chest, her hand tracing every scar branded into his back, his chakra consuming all of her awareness. It was just the two of them. Gohama and Hansuke.

She brought her hand up to glide her fingertips over the skin of his cheek, jaw and brow. He leaned onto her touch, a distant hum trembling in his chest. "You're beautiful, Hansuke." she said his name and he opened his loving hazel eyes to hers. So beautiful. "When it's just the two of us. No duty, no ninja, no team. When it's just you and me, I…" her words couldn't squeeze through the lump in her throat. Gohama didn't even know what she was trying to say. It was branded into her heart in another language and she didn't understand what it meant.

Somehow, Hansuke knew. When she thought his eyes couldn't bring anything more with them, they did. They gave her all of Hansuke and they asked her to accept everything he was, all for her to take, at least in the few moments when it was just them in the world. And if his gaze wasn't enough, his voice offered again. "Gohama." And his mouth and his tongue and his fingers and his desire. "Gohama." He called as he gave all of himself inside her.

"Hansuke." She called back.

The song is called "When the Tigers Broke Free", by Pink Floyd.