Hello there, lovely readers.
This is going to be a A/N about the Kyura OP'ness (basically making some things explicit).
Thank you for your review, Calimbali. I really do appreciate it and you are absolutely right (I admit that I got a little carried away when creating the Kyura, but the worldbuilding kind of justifies it).
The Kyura bloodline limit is very OP, I made it so, because I shaped it to what I wanted Gohama to be: an OP character. There are some things I regret, but the basilar bloodline is their "totipotent" chakra, as I called it, and it branches to a series of other powers. (One thing I find a miss in Naruto is the lack of Hyuga medics, they have great chakra control and can literally see people's organs. This is one of the reasons I made Kisamaru a medic.)
Maybe I didn't make it explicit, but few Kyura actually had the kekkei genkai (about 1/8). That's why Kyura Hideki, one of Gohama's uncles, wanted her to marry his son so they could have children with the bloodline (referenced in I,C4). The people that didn't have it, did have some characteristics, like a more fluid and mouldable chakra (hence why they made great medics and fuinjutsu masters), being a sensor type (this was made in the image of the Uzumaki clan), easy to learn other chakra nature releases.
No Kyura was a master in everything and few in anything at all. Gohama's mother was specialized in fuinjutsu, father in fighting with the tachi and chakra moulding, her great-grandmother in medicine. Also the bloodline limit is incredibly difficult to master, Gohama's is so great with it because at the monastery she spent every single day for seven years doing nothing but train. (What else could a girl do in a place like that?)
About Gohama, she is an incredibly OP character. She is not supposed to be taken as a common Kyura. She's supposed to be the epitome of what the clan was trying to achieve with their inbreeding, culture and education, a perfect weapon. And she wants that for herself too, so her entire life has revolved around that, in an unhealthy prideful and obsessive way.
The story is starting to delve deeper into her OP'ness.
One thing I have regretted was making Gohama a sensor type, since it only adds to her OP'ness. But, hey, what's done is done, and I truly have fun writing how her impressions of people translate into her perception of their chakra and vice-versa.
Things related to the ten tails will be explained later in the story.
About the kage bunshin being a secret Konoha justsu, thanks for the reminder Calimbali. I took the mizu bunshin has an indication that were similar jutsu to the kage one that other ninja knew and used. I'm correcting the same kage bunshin to tsuchi bunshin (made of earth), as Gohama used in the chunin exams.
I hope this was useful for anyone interested.
Any constructive criticism is highly appreciated, from little things like "there shouldn't be a comma there" to a major point in my worldbuilding.
Anyway, as always, stay safe and thanks for reading!
Part IV | Chapter 7
Her gash went from her ribs pass her navel. She was on the floor, forcing her breathing, her lungs to fill and drain out. Forcing her wound shut. But the blood kept flowing out, her life kept drifting away. She tried getting up but couldn't. She had a bitter taste in her mouth. She could smell the blood and the death. It was coming. Her entire body shivered, her fingers were numb and cold. Where were the enemies? She could only sense a chaotic mass of unfamiliar chakra.
A spike of Hansuke's chakra and her view from the dark sky through the trees was blocked. She was inside one of Hansuke's earth domes, muffling the sound of the eager enemies, as they tried to break in.
She could still sense Nikato's dying chakra, almost no feel came from him. She could sense Kisamaru's chakra running away, trying to heal his friend.
"I'm sorry, Hansuke. It's my fault."
"No. It's okay. We'll be okay."
A merciful lie to a dying woman.
"Nikato? Kisamaru?"
"They're okay."
A merciful lie to a guilty woman.
"I don't want you to be alone. If we die…"
He was desperately trying to stop her bleeding. She could smell his fear, but his face was soft and tender, his words caring and kind. There was no hope and yet he exhaled it through his expression.
"I'm not alone. Even if you die, if I die, I'll always carry you in me. Isn't that what the Kyura believe in? That the living carry the dead in them?" It was, but Gohama had stopped believing in it a long time ago.
His dome cracked, the fissures spreading like spider webs through the earth. His chakra was almost done.
"I want to stay with you." Her muted and raspy voice energized by despair. Her frail hand held onto his arm
"I'll always stay." He brushed her damp hair away from her face, but her cold skin could barely feel his touch. "Remember? I'll always be yours, Gohama, even in death."
The dome crumbled. He stood above her, covering her from the worst of the debris. The two were open to attacks now, there was no hope for them. At least, Nikato and Kisamaru were inside her sealed chakra dome, it would fade away, but if Gohama died first the missing-nin would probably leave them alone and take her body for the bounty. They would take Hansuke too, the Void of Konoha, his price was high, especially in Kumo.
"Kunai" she hissed.
He didn't listen, he was too slow. The kunai broke through his flesh. She heard the stabbing rip. He fell onto her body. There was still life in him. She pushed him to his side, so they could lay next to each other. Hazel on green.
"Promise you won't leave me."
His chakra started fading away, he was leaving. The despair settled on her heart with rage and anguish. She couldn't let them die. She had to fight. She had to bring them home. The pain was too great. She couldn't move. Hands took her away from Hansuke. She heard the swish of blades settled for her and him. Instinctively, she rose her hand for him to form a chakra shield. It didn't form. Only a second now. She screamed, one ignited deep inside her that spread through her veins. Dark blue energy erupted from her pathways and skin. The enemies were thrown away. She felt the raw power flow and burn. They would live. She wouldn't let them die.
The terrifying feel of her protective seal breaking woke Gohama up. Her eyes snapped open and she winced at the sudden light. There was nothing worse than drunk dreams based on fresh memories with a hint of Seiryu's chakra resurfacing. Memory nightmares were always the worse because they were real, or had been real.
At least, her physical sickness was enough to subdue the fear still lingering from the nightmare. Gohama's head was throbbing hard. The light barging in from the window left her to wish she was blind. The snores coming from next to her sent angered chills through her spine. But it was somewhat nice, not that she could feel the niceness in her smashed up state, but it was nice. She was alive. The infuriating idiot next to her was alive. And with life came headaches and maddening thirst and annoying sounds. She poked the passed out naked man next to her. His piercing harmony was not interrupted.
Snuggling against his chest, Gohama tucked her head under his chin. She could feel his even breaths on her hairline. His heavy heartbeat on her forehead. Heavy and pounding and regular. She sighed. Alive. His skin was warm and his heart was pulsing. Hansuke was alive. The understanding finally rushed through her guts. She pressed her hand to his stomach. His replete chakra flowing, tingling her sensitive fingers, trilling her own chakra. The earthy and wet feel of it mingling with her own universal chakra. In the quiet of the morning, his breathing, his pulse, his flow. Alive. She let them take over her senses. She renounced to all her walls and invited Hansuke's life to enter into her own. Only for that moment, when it was safe and certain.
The chirping of a bird crushed her fragile peace. She had wanted to hold on a little longer to the clear piece of crystal in her hands, but those never lasted long, something always made her fingers tremble and the crystal shatter. The fear slid back through her spine at the annoying call. That little frantic animal brought nothing but dread to her. Tsunade was summoning them.
Nikato and Kisamaru were already waiting by Tsunade's office. Their yellowed tone and purple bags vouched for their also terrible hangover. It was a team summon.
"Hey. I guess everyone's dead" Nikato said as he examined his teammates. "Is this really another mission? So soon...?"
"That or Tsunade's rage. I think I'd prefer the first." Hansuke replied.
Gohama stood before a passed out Kisamaru, oddly splayed on a chair. She poked his the cheek with her finger, but he didn't even twitch. "What's up with him, Nikato?"
"He's been like that since I got here."
"Come in!" a voice called from within the office.
Gohama shook his shoulder. "Hey, Hyuga." she called softly "Time to wake up."
He hummed and opened his eyes. A drop of drool rolling down the corner of his mouth. His clear lavender eyes snapped open and in an instant he was standing, trying to smooth down the stray hairs that had fallen off his braid. Gohama had never seen him look so dishevelled. The foreignness of it didn't allow any amusement to rise at the comic image. Kisamaru never drank himself into a hangover like this. The mission had obviously fucked him up too.
Gohama brushed his back as he passed by her to stand before Tsunade's desk.
The Godaime didn't lose time. "Good morning, Team Hansuke. I have a mission for you. Yes, I know it's soon. You all just got out of the hospital, but I don't have any other option. The client specifically asked for your team, and he is the Daimyo. Also the money is good, really good. This is typically an ANBU mission, but I think you can take it, especially with the Hyuga and Kyura together. I know, you're still recovering, but, minus the hangover, I think you all look ready. Before I continue further, we have to wait for the always late shinobi that will accompany you."
Gohama slightly snapped at those words. Hatake Kakashi.
"In the meantime, we can discuss your reports for the almost fatal last mission. I see there were thirty missing nin and bounty hunters, mostly chunin and jonin. I've read the report. My question is how are you still alive? So, Hansuke, as team leader you can start."
Hansuke cleared his throat. "We believe it was an ambush. The client must have informed them of our departure. When we were twenty miles from the border of Fire Country, we were surrounded. They were after Gohama. They offered to let us three go, if we let them take her. Obviously that was out of the question, so the fighting began."
Hansuke entered into details of the fight, her almost failure. Gohama forced herself to think of other things, blacking out his words.
"So, Kyura." Tsunade's voice broke her pitiful attempt. "Explain this adrenaline-slash-chakra release you have had four times now, if I'm not mistaken." she glanced at her waiting for confirmation.
"Three times, Hokage-sama." Tsunade didn't need to know about her second one, right after her first S-rank mission. Hansuke and Gohama had decided to keep it to themselves, as he had promised.
The door opened behind her, electric chakra prickling through her back. Hatake Kakashi entered and didn't speak, but she knew he would have that apologetic look on his hidden face.
"Good to have the honour of your presence, Hatake." Tsunade said with sarcasm "We're just finishing a report. You can stay. Continue, Gohama."
"I don't understand it myself, Hokage-sama. It just happens. I don't force it."
"Yes, but it has triggers."
"Varying ones."
"Well, Giranai's report doesn't really give us anything useful. Hatake, you were there on a mission where it happened. Elucidate us on your point of view."
She was tempted to look towards him to study his reaction. She knew he would be as impassive as before. A quick glance from the corner of her eye showed that he was looking back at her. It had been their last mission together, after all. Gohama wasn't worried, he wouldn't know anything.
"I wasn't there." He stated.
"Yes, but you saw the aftermath. Describe it."
"It was a long time ago."
"I'm sure seeing your teammate arrive with blood in her hands would have made you pull away the hitai-ate." Tsunade bit out, her tone seeping her growing impatience. Nothing beat the memory of a sharingan.
"She was disturbed and injured. She passed out from the drugs that had been given to her. Her chakra levels were normal."
"Yes, I do remember that time she was still wounded after the break out. So, maybe it had a different nature or power. Perhaps due to the trigger. What do you think about the triggers, Gohama?"
Tsunade wouldn't let this sit quiet. She was suspecting something. "I think the trigger is extreme conditions or emotions."
"I think there's something you're not telling us. It's a strange power. I can understand that the Kyura chakra in itself is strange. So, my question is, how were you almost dying of blood loss to standing up with incredible power and killing ten ninja, returning passed out from exhaustion yes, but with no scars. No visible marks of a fight."
"My theory is that the chakra heals my body on its own. I have as much question as you, Hokage-sama."
"You know, Gohama, the only time I've heard or seen this was with a jinchuriki."
There it was. Tsunade still thought she was the Buki jinchuriki. After four years, she hadn't let that hunch die. And it was right. She would give her shit when Gohama would come out as Seiryu's vessel.
"I wouldn't be able to keep the ten tails beast dormant for so long."
"Exactly. So these explosions could be the ten tails." Tsunade gave her a long, scrutinising look, which made the urge to fidget prickle her skin. Gohama said nothing. "I see I won't get anything out of you, today. It doesn't matter now. We should get back to your mission. Kakashi will accompany your team as team leader. I decided it would be best to have another strong shinobi with you." she glanced towards the silver haired man with a pointed glare. "Kakashi was the only available option. You are to deactivate a criminal cell in a town of the Fire Country, near the western border. They have been bothering the Daimyo's commercial routes and sites. Your most important part of your mission is to kill the leader. An S-class criminal, Furuta Chin, known for his connection with Akatsuki. Everything concerning Konoha's intel on their compound and additional information is in this scroll." Tsunade threw it towards Kakashi. "Any questions? Good. Now off my office. You leave tomorrow."
The shinobi left the office and gathered by the waiting room. Hansuke laid a heavy hand on the Copy-nin's shoulder, his expression gleaming with a wide grin. "Good to work on a mission with you, Kakashi. It's been a long time."
"Nothing like working with the only true ex-ANBU." he turned towards her. "And also with you, Gohama."
Gohama spun on her heel and walked down the circular corridor. Nikato sped up to meet her pace. "So, Gohama, that was tough with Tsunade questioning. Do you actually believe she thinks you're the Jinchuriki?" Nikato laughed, his hands coming up to support his head while they walked.
"It's good for the ego to have people think I'm that powerful. Well, I'm out for a nap."
"Hey, you two!" Hansuke yelled, they could no longer see him. "Dinner at my place."
Her fingers twirled the chopsticks around, letting them stop from time to time, to hit the table with their back end. Gohama could feel that electric chakra creeping up her side, prickling her skin. No matter how much she focussed on Nikato's input, her awareness picked up every little nuance, shudder, spike, of Hatake Kakashi's chakra with all the nature release he had managed to develop during his long old life. Not that he was truly old, it was just the grey hair, but that didn't matter to her now.
Why had they made him take the seat at the head of the table? That was Hansuke's place, now he was at the farthest spot from her. She had had to endure an entire dinner with Hatake Kakashi beside her, and their discussion about the mission had barely started.
"Something bothering you, Gohama?" The Copy-nin asked her. It was the first time that evening he had directed a word to her and she wished he had kept that mouth of his shut and quiet behind his mask.
"Yes." She answered curtly, forgoing the twirling for only poking her chopsticks fast against the table.
"What?"
"I'm sure you can guess what it is."
"We have a mission, an S-rank one, I can't really go anywhere."
"I know." She tilted her head with a sweet smile. "You only ever disappear after them."
"Gohama…" he said between a sigh and a breath. "I thought we could—"
"There's nothing we could do. I won't force my presence on you and you won't force your presence on me. Why change how things have been for two years?"
He sagged a little on the chair and let go of whatever he had wanted to say before. Gohama put down the chopstick, her nerves a little eased now that the awkward tension looming through them had been addressed and dealt with.
"What do you think, Kakashi?" Hansuke's question brought Gohama back to their discussion.
"I agree," His voice gaining his authority tone reserved for leading a team. "Nikato's owls can lay out the compound's surveillance schedules first and Hyuga's byakugan can try to take a look inside. A 2km range should be good enough. The rest we can decide after that information. For now, I think two squads should break in. Outside surveillance won't be enough to bring the compound down. So on the first time, mostly for information gathering, it should be Hansuke and Hyuga together and me and Kyura." He had completely ignored the understanding that they had reached a few minutes ago. "When we take down the compound Nikato can join your squad."
"Don't you think two teams are easier to find?" Hansuke asked.
"Yes, but harder to catch and quicker to act."
"I think it would be best if we go solo then. Less of us exposed." Gohama shared.
"No one is going solo." Hansuke cut in with a pointed stare at her.
"I can go solo. I don't mind. Another person would only get in the way."
"With the amount of missing nin that want you dead, you're not going solo, Gohama." Hansuke voice was harsh. It was his definitive statement tone that she couldn't argue against, unless they entered a fight that would lead them only to saying things they didn't mean.
"Then you team up with me. I work better with people I trust." she said matter-of-factly.
Shinobi never admitted that they didn't trust a teammate. Trust was fundamental in any squad, newly formed or with decades of work together. Even if there wasn't any trust, they kept it quiet to themselves, not to let doubt gnaw on the rest of the team. Doubt led to hesitance and that led to mistakes. The issue was so ingrained in shinobi that it had turned into superstition. Gohama had jinxed their team right after an almost-deadly-mission.
Hatake was the only on the table to have no reaction to what she had said. She knew he would keep that infuriating blank droopy eye of his, but it still annoyed her. Nikato choked on his sake, Kisamaru widened his eyes, his back straightening even more than before, Hansuke sent her a chastising gaze.
The air was tense. She knew she was being childish, but she couldn't control her resentment. She hated herself for how much he was affecting her, but she couldn't tame it. He had broken her trust and she was broken with it, only now that she couldn't avoid him could she truly feel it.
"He has worked with you. It makes sense for you two to team up." Hansuke reasoned with the same unyielding voice as before.
She turned towards the Copy-nin. "Continue, Senpai."
Nikato coughed the sake that again had slid down the wrong pipe.
"Each team gets one side of the building. Nikato, you will continue the vigilance with your owls. After the information gathering, we'll know the best way of exterminating the compound. But most important is assassinating Furuta Chin. We'll determine the method later. Any questions?"
"If we don't gather any information about Akatsuki, can we interrogate the target?" Gohama asked.
"No. Our mission is to assassinate him."
"But he might have valuable information for the Leaf."
"The information you want isn't for the Leaf."
Gohama studied him, a long defiant look steady against his indifferent dark one. "Weren't you Uzumaki's sensei? He's a jinchuriki, Akatsuki is after them. You should want to get as much information as me. But I suppose now that you don't have any duty towards him you don't really care."
For a second, silent expectation spread across the furniture, the walls and floors, weighing on the people. It was getting to him, she could see it in the lonely patch of face that he showed, still it wasn't enough. He didn't react.
"How many Konoha shinobi have to die before you'll care? Wasn't Asuma enough?"
"Are you going to provoke me again until I choke you?" His tone was as impassive as his pose, but it had to have affected him if he was bringing up that episode during the Jonin pre-admission. One he had wanted to bury and forget.
"Hey, Hatake!" Hansuke scolded.
"Why not?" Gohama continued. "It earned me your yes and Genma's boner. Maybe even yours."
Nikato spilled his sake all over Kisamaru, who was too shocked to react.
"Will you two stop acting like children? We have a mission. A difficult one. Gohama you better pull yourself together or we'll return home half-dead again. Or maybe not even at all." Hansuke blurted out, a reproving finger pointing at her.
Gohama sipped his words like acid. He knew how to hit the spot and that he did it only hurt her more. She stood up impassively and said, "I'll meet you by the gate at six."
She left in a swirl of snowflakes.
They all stared at the empty chair. Hansuke hid his face on his hands.
"You shouldn't have said it, sensei. You know she blames herself." Kisamaru said, his accusation clear in his voice.
Hansuke got up, hand brushing through his hair. "I didn't mean it… it just… Fuck." he composed himself "You should go home. We have a mission tomorrow." he left for his bedroom.
The dark Village spread in little, crammed houses onto the heavy forest. Streetlights drew bright threads of streets and alleys. The moon was almost new and there were many visible stars. A cold breeze shuffled the leaves and grains of dirt. Gohama had always preferred the Leaf at night, when the people slept and the warm quiet spread through the streets. Up in the mountain, it reminded her of home. Not that it was alike, but it awed. The Arms had always awed her. She sat at the edge of Fourth's spiky hair, her legs swinging, her elbows supporting her weight. She tilted her head to look at the sky. Stars.
If she were to stay a few more years, she could have called it home. She would always stand at the shore, one feet in, one feet out, but here was where her newfound snowdrop was and she had to cherish it, protect it while she could. The guilt hadn't vanished since she had first admitted it to herself, but, at least her first snowdrop had deeper, burning roots and that was why her weapon would always come first. That was why she had to leave Konoha.
When the blue light of dawn rose on the horizon, Gohama picked up Toshi's bowl and, careful not to jostle him around, started walking towards the civilian district. Nikato's family always welcomed her goldfish in their home when she had to leave for missions.
Gohama entered the home with the stealth of a ninja and made a beeline for the kitchen. The silence was cosy and warm and she smiled at the five chakra signatures still sleeping. She dropped Toshi on the kitchen counter next to Nikato's own goldfish that he had also won on the festival three years ago. Gohama had that night as one of her most fond memories from Konoha.
Bending at the waist to be at eyelevel with her fish, she whispered, "See you later, Toshi-kun." No one knew if she would, but Gohama always said the same words to him before a mission. After a soft tap to the glass she left the house. Gohama could trust Chizue-san to take proper care of him.
Next she jumped onto Nikato's window and knocked. With a groan to the pillow, he rolled around and signalled her that he was awake. Gohama knew he would go back to sleep if she left, but today she didn't want to wait around for him. It had become a habit to drop Toshi off on the kitchen balcony and force Nikato to wake and hurry up so he wasn't always late.
One more knock and she jumped onto the rooftop, one hand securing her backpack to her shoulder. Kisamaru was already there when she reached the gates.
"Good Morning." he greeted with a hand wave.
"Morning." She gave him a little frail smile. "Get ready for hours of waiting, Kisa, Hatake is even worse than Nikato."
"That's why you decided not to bring him with you."
Today there was no need to bother herself with hurrying someone who didn't want to hurry. "Yup."
He reached for his pack and took out a container. "Then, good thing I brought some of my mother's miso soup."
Gohama could kiss him and his mother for that. The both of them delved into the hot, heart-warming soup. "You have to introduce me to your mother some day so I can properly thank her and praise her for her delicious food." Gohama wouldn't want to leave Konoha before meeting his mother. Her spoon stopped halfway towards her mouth. "Unless she doesn't want to meet me, with all our clans' hatred and stuff like that."
Kisamaru gave her own of the most sincere and deep smiles, his Hyuga eyes disappearing behind two happy slits. "Mother would like that very much." They continued onto their delightful breakfast, until he cleared his throat and Gohama knew what he would want to talk about. "Can I ask you what happened between you and Kakashi-senpai?"
"It's not a big deal. After my first Jonin mission, I needed his support and he disappeared on me."
"Asshole." Gohama's eyes widened at the rude language coming out of always proper Kisamaru. When she looked at his sheepish expression, she broke into laughter. He chuckled with her, until those Hyuga all-seeing eyes fixed on her, peeling every little layer behind her. "I thought the mission had gone well. What happened?"
"Well… how do I… My target… hurt me… before I killed him, I only did because of my chakra bursts. He was the one that told me about the Arms and Akatsuki. It was a tough mission."
"Are you well now?"
"I am." she gratefully squeezed his arm.
Shortly after Hansuke appeared. "Gohama, can we talk?"
They moved to a secluded alley. Hansuke's head was down and he shuffled between his feet, until he moved his pained gaze to hers. Any resentment she might have had washed away.
"I'm sorry about what I said last night. I didn't mean it… I just…
"You were right I was being childish. I won't be anymore."
She knew he had been right. Hatake Kakashi was just another teammate now. She shouldn't be so affected, two years had passed, and she especially shouldn't let her resentment get in the way of their mission.
He pulled her against his warm body and pressed his lips to her hair. "I know he hurt you when he disappeared. But why are you so mad still? I never thought you cared about him that much."
"It wasn't about care. It was about trust. I trusted him." Hansuke stayed silent at that. He knew how important trust was to her.
He pulled away to look at her. "I know you're scared about the mission."
"Aren't you?"
"No more than usual."
"I jinxed us."
Hansuke chuckled. "Never took you for the superstitious type."
"I'm open to anything at this point. We're fresh out of the hospital. I know it's important for Konoha but still inconsiderate of Tsunade."
"She did apologise." he joked "and we have Kakashi."
"Oh, yes. The great genius of Konoha." she mocked. "Why don't you see each other more?" she asked as she studied a scar on his wrist with her eyes and fingers.
"It isn't from lack of effort on my part. Kakashi hasn't really been around lately, always on missions, always brooding to himself. But it's all the same when we meet again."
She gave him a small smile and he followed the creases on the corner of her mouth with the pad of this thumb. "Good. I know he's important to you."
"Yes. He's a good man and he's always been there for me. He made a great taicho."
"Why did you leave ANBU then?"
His fingers stopped. "It wasn't because of my team, it was because of what the Leaf asked of us."
"Tell me about the mission that made you leave."
"Gohama…" he exhaled as he leaned his back against the wall, head tilted upwards.
Gohama followed him and rested her hands on his chest. Hansuke wasn't the type to be secretive to the people he cared about. He believed they should see him as he was and, if they didn't like that, then he shouldn't waste emotional energy on them. So, this mission had always gnawed on Gohama.
"You've told me about others. What is so secret and terrible about this one?"
"You don't want to know."
She cradled his face, so he would look at her. "You don't have to worry. It wouldn't change what I think of you."
"It would."
She truly didn't believe any ANBU mission could change the way she saw Hansuke. She had conjured every possibility and none seemed terrible enough to influence her. She knew he was a good man, one of the kindest. Missions were missions, especially in ANBU. They were to be completed because it was their duty, no morality involved.
"How can you be sure?"
It worried her how much it had scarred him and she just wanted to be there for him, listen to him, just as he always had been for her.
"I just am. Let's go. I can sense their chakra."
Gohama took the first steps out of Konoha, her legs felt weak under herself and her stomach was cold and twirling as she watched the wide dusty path narrow into a dot in the distance. It was too soon for another mission, too soon for an S-rank where they would have to infiltrate and destroy a compound with at least fifty nin. This was where their team excelled. Stealth, infiltration and attack. They had done this dozens of times. Yet, after that last mission, fear had started creeping out from where she usually kept it well contained and now it had fully overflowed, until she couldn't hold it down, closed and silent.
There was a fine balance in Gohama, the last mission had almost ripped it away. They had stayed for her and they had almost given their lives for her. She couldn't take more sacrifices on her shoulders. She was not worth it, she would never be worth it. Already her Village's life hung on Gohama, she couldn't take more weight. The guilt was too great, the repay unachievable. It was too much for her weak self. Too much. Her heart couldn't afford losing anyone else, it would crack and shatter, she with it.
With each new step doom hovered above their team. And she had jinxed them yesterday. Why had she fucking jinxed them? Seeing her team dying, feeling it through their fleeting chakra had plunged her with terrified despair and it still lingered now, as both an aftertaste and the foreboding of what could come. Their deaths would steal the remaining balance Gohama had set for herself. All the ordered movements, emotions and thoughts would crumbled down and she with them. They were shinobi, death had settled in their lives since they had taken the hitai-ate. More than anyone, she knew that reality and maybe that was what made her so aware of it now, as it shook and screamed through her insides.
A heavy warm hand brushed her back and gently pushed her forward. Hansuke was smiling caringly at her. She gave him a soft unsure smile. She just wanted to wrap herself in his arms and stay there until she felt was safe to live, for them to live. But all she could do was smile her doubts out and let him ease them with a smile of his own.
There was no half term for him. She couldn't give him what he wanted of her and she knew how difficult it was for him to accept half relationships: half subordinate, half teammate, half lover, half partner. She could only give him halves and he had only given her fulls.
Her feet took initiative and before she realised, she had drifted away from the group and was walking a few steps behind them. Nikato was talking Kisamaru's ears off and Hansuke Kakashi's, even the Copy-nin was chattering away. He went back to ignoring her with the easiness of an indifferent person. Hansuke didn't hide his happiness at taking a mission with Hatake Kakashi again, amity and admiration gleaming through his clear hazel eyes. Gohama smiled to herself.
Gohama could understand the admiration. Who wouldn't admire the shinobi that had mastered the sharingan when it wasn't his own kekkei genkai? Hatake Kakashi's name was a symbol of skill, intelligence and power through the recesses of the shinobi world and part of the civilian one. He had a prowess to match his fame.
Since the first time she had sensed his chakra, she had felt it tremble through her veins with the eeriness and disquiet of power. It had been intimidating and fascinating. All seven chakra releases mastered, but above all earned. Gohama had been born with them, she had never trained for it or fought for it. The same with Seiryu's power. She was a great ninja, Nikato had called her a genius once. But that wasn't her, that was her bloodline limit, powerful in itself.
All her life, Gohama had been aiming for the greatest of greatest, for a prowess that could honour and protect her Village and people. And she had failed. The power contained in her cells hadn't been enough, not because of itself, but because of her. This was why she still wasn't ready to harness the jubi's chakra. Gohama needed to be a great kunoichi independent of being a jinchuriki. Bukigakure had failed to see her essential weakness when they settled their expectations on Gohama.
Here her admiration for the Copy-nin toyed with her insecurities. It mocked her how fully aware she was of it and how powerless to fight it. She craved his approval, because it was a way for self-approval. If Hatake Kakashi recognised her worth, then it meant she was worthy. Worthy of her clan, worthy of her Village, worthy of Seiryu's chakra.
And that's why it hurt so deeply to have him ignore her, to have him walk away and stay indifferent for two years. He had broken her trust in a time she had depended on it and he had shown she wasn't worthy of his attention.
What did all the power locked in her matter if she was weak? The Kyura blood and Seiryu's chakra withered inside her.
Gohama pushed the door of the boys' inn bedroom open with her hip, her hands occupied with takeout boxes. Nikato let out a squeak as he saw them, his eyes shining as if he were watching the love of his life walk through the door. After a full night of spending chakra on his owls as they examined the compound, his excitement over food was understandable.
She passed by Hatake Kakashi first and carelessly let the plastic bag slide down her finger to land near him. "Kisamaru." She called as she handed him his food. "Kato."
Nikato squealed again. After assaulting the carton open, he pulled her down, and kissed her cheek. "You're definitely my favourite."
"What about your poor old sensei?" Hansuke whined as he slid down the wall to sit next to the Copy-nin on his futon.
"My poor old sensei isn't a pretty girl that brings me breakfast."
Hansuke answered with a defeated sigh. "I guess I can't fight with that."
"Definitely not." Gohama said with a cheeky smile as she chewed her food. "It's why I'm everyone's favourite."
"Even senpai's?" Nikato asked.
She sent him a glared that could freeze water in the heat of a Suna desert. He lifted his hands in a surrendering, innocent gesture. He had known exactly what he had said, that ginger bastard was trying to mess with her, to bring the drama back.
"She brought me food, didn't she?"
Her eyes shifted to watch his eye-crease smile and Hansuke sagging back in relief against the wall. It had been a pacific, uncompromising answer, so typical for the Copy-nin it was almost disappointing.
Gohama turned to him, her face a blank veil. "No. Hansuke did."
"Then I guess Hansuke is my favourite."
"More into pretty boys, then." Gohama countered with a challenging glare.
Honestly it was irrelevant to her if the Copy-nin was gay or not, but usually straight men tended to be offended by that. And she was leaning into the straight spectrum for him, considering he had stolen her first kiss and had become hard on that regretful moment on their mission while they were doing nothing besides innocently touching each other's upper bodies and faces. The night she had told him she trusted him. A great mistake for her deprived judgement.
She had trusted him and he was doing his duty. There had been no connection besides that. She had invented care and safety from him because she needed it on that mission. Once they had completed it, there was no reason to continue in each other's lives. He had been disgusted with her, so he stepped away. She could understand that, no matter how much it hurt.
"I'm more into food."
"And low tier written porn."
That small comment about his precious books was the one to get to him. It was petty and it made her chest bubble with a twisted sense of victory.
"Erotica, yes, that could rival most classics." Gohama had heard this dissertation of his before, after Danzo's commissioned torture session. It had reminded her of Mother then, and now it only made her ashamed for linking Mother to the pervert.
It had always been in her vulnerable moments that he had crept in. When she had been blinded and stupid enough to think he was trustworthy, that it had meant something.
"We always think that what keeps us company on lonely nights is better than it truly is." Her words had been meant to be a biting quip, but they fell on everyone's ears with a heavy weight.
Hatake Kakashi's dark eye was as unrevealing as his mask. "Is that so bad?"
"It's a lie."
"And? If it makes people less miserable…" He answered with a shrug.
"Until they find out the truth."
"And if they don't?"
"It doesn't matter. Now amount of happiness comes first to the truth."
"That's a miserable way of living."
Pulling her back away from the wall, Gohama stood straighter, her hands clutching the takeout box in her lap. "But it's real."
"You're being naïve, Gohama." Of course, Hatake would never shed his patronising when it came to her. "Truth doesn't make things real. The shinobi world is proof enough of that. All of us are living in a multiple lies set out by the Villages and all of us make them real because we believe in them."
"But you wish it wasn't like that."
"What does it matter? It won't change. It's just how things are."
Irritation was prickling at her skin from Kakashi's dismissive, elusive answers. "It matters to me. 'Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth'."
Something heavy floated in the dark shade of his eye, Gohama grasped what it was, before it could disappear. Sorrow. "Quoting western thinkers won't help you in the real world." For a man that only read porn Kakashi was well acquainted with other writers. "Things are messy. Not everything is all black and white as you make it seem. You should know that."
"Truth is." Maybe that was why Gohama supported herself so much on it. Truth was stable, unchangeable, and secure. "One thing is either a truth or not. We may never find it, we may be so deep in lies, so deep in our own limitations, that it becomes blurred, but it's there."
"And why does it matter if it's there if you can never find it?"
Kakashi had her there, and the corner of Gohama's lips upturned against her will. "I don't know why and I know it's stupid, but it does." Her green eyes pinned on his grey one, trying to shed away the blankness of his stare. She had seen sorrow, for a fleeting instant he had let it escape. "And it also matters to you, Kakashi."
He confirmed it when his chakra fluttered against her skin and his eye moved away from hers to Nikato. "Unsummon the howls, Hayashi."
Nikato did as he was ordered and he braced himself against Gohama due to the rush of information reaching him from his summons. When he opened his eyes, they were serious and determined, so unlike the usual easiness and playfulness swimming in their black. He always changed into a grave focus when his abilities and action were called to take an important role on a mission.
He spoke, tracing lines along the drawn blueprints to better show the dynamic of the compound and everyone scooted closer to the paper laid out on the floor. "The wall is guarded by two towers, each with only a shinobi. The front entrance has two shinobi. Inside the wall there are about fifty meters until we reach the building. Four squads of two shinobi circle this perimeter. Possible entering spots are the windows, probably sealed, so you would have to take care of that Gohama; and the back door."
The fine hairs on her arm stood straight in the air with the prickly sensation of a heavy stare. Gohama turned her eyes up from the blueprint and fixed them on Kakashi's one. He didn't avert them, as a normal person at being caught staring would do. She wouldn't yield first, so she kept her gaze sharp and piercing on his, which studied her with his perfected aloof droopiness. Once Nikato finished talking, Kakashi finally gave up and looked towards the print.
"This is going to be delicate. We don't even know what expects use inside." He commented in his team leader tone. "We'll invade right after the 22:00 shift change Nikato talked about and leave before the end of it. That will give us more than enough time. Both teams will go through the back door and separate once inside. Gohama, if the door is sealed can you open it?" He didn't look up as he addressed her.
"I can't be sure. It depends on the complexity of it. Nikato, did you see the door open at any time?"
"Some would exit from there to smoke."
"Then, you should put an owl there and see if you can watch them work on it and describe it to me."
"Summoning after tonight took a lot of my chakra, I can't afford to—"
"I'll give you mine."
Nikato didn't seem pleased by Gohama's generous offer. She knew it was uncomfortable while her chakra entered other people. He gave her a compliant nod and pulled his shirt up. Gohama laid her hand on his stomach, concentrating on moulding it into a viable energy for Nikato's own chakra system. Light blue energy involved her hand and flowed down Nikato's skin.
"How do you give chakra to people?" Kakashi asked.
When she looked up to answer him, Gohama could see the black tomoe of the sharingan swirling, his hitai-ate raised to unveil it. "It's sort of like blood and a universal donor. Because I have every nature, my chakra is very fluid and most people can mould it. I manipulate it so it's more similar to the receiver. In this case, I'm only giving chakra with wind nature."
"Could I do it?"
Gohama snorted, as she stood up and Nikato arranged his shirt back down. "You're stamina is bad as it is."
"But could I?"
"This isn't a jutsu you can copy."
"I think you just don't want to share your clan's abilities."
"You do seem to live off other clans' stolen abilities."
Hatake stepped towards her. "It wasn't stolen."
Hansuke put himself between the two. "Okay, enough of this talk. We have a mission to complete."
"You're chakra is too individual, as any other person. The Hyuga one is more universal and fluid but only inside their own chakra affinity. You also don't have enough chakra control to manipulate it and make it viable for donation. You could try to learn it, but I doubt you would manage, unless it was inside your family or clan." Seeing his still unmoving expression, after a reasoned explanation, Gohama's voice turned harsher. "This isn't like the sharingan where you can just patch it up and pretend it's yours. You have to be born with it. That's why the Kyura were always above in that matter."
"And look what happened to them."
Her eyes widened in surprise for his insensitive boldness, his words were a hard blow.
"Kakashi…" Hansuke whispered, as he rested his hand on her shoulder.
The placating gesture didn't seem enough to smother the anger swirling around in her blood. She could deal with insults to her person, but not to her people. Only enemies and bitter people had had the audacity to bring the slaughter of the Kyura into a fight.
"Fuck, that's low. Even for you."
She had pushed him, she had tried to offend him and get to him, but he was the one to cross the line. What right did he have to accuse her of not sharing Kyura technics? It was her blood, her power. She had the obligation to protect them from foreign hands. Didn't he believe her explanation?
"If you want you can try it on me. It will prove to you not everything can be copied and stolen away." She spat the last words at his face, her anger turning to disdain. "The great Copy-nin… that's all you are, a copy. A fake."
"Gohama…" Hansuke warned, with a squeeze as a silent plea.
The Copy-nin just stood there, still and quiet. The fight had washed away from him. Gohama turned to Nikato, instead. "Can you send that owl now?"
He nodded. The animal appeared in front of them and flew through the window, the flutter of his wings echoed through the silent room.
Hatake seemed to pull himself out of his stillness and looked towards Kisamaru, "We'll use the byakugan to see if we can learn about the inside of the compound. Have your breakfast, Hyuga. I'll wait for you outside. You three, prepare for tonight."
He left the room.
"Why can't you stop insulting him?" Hansuke asked her.
"Why am I the only one to blame? You heard what he said to me."
"Maybe we should change the teams for tonight."
"You think I can't be professional?" His pointed look was enough answer. "Same teams. We'll see who gets more information and quicker." she extended her hand towards him.
"That's definitely not professional." He answered with an amused smile.
"Oh shut up, I know you want to accept this."
Hansuke shook her hand with a tight grip. "Price?"
"Once the mission is over losing team pays for drinks for a three nights."
"Deal."
"I didn't accept to be part of these irresponsible bets you do." Kisamaru whined.
"You think you can't win, Kisa-chan?"
"We'll win."
Hansuke pulled her aside, his grip harsh on her arm and his serious gaze no less worrying. "Gohama…" he breathed out and she felt her heart freeze with dread. "What you said earlier… about the truth and it being above anything, even happiness and… love," he choked a little at the word. "is it true?"
She frowned at his question. Hadn't she made it obvious in their relationship that truth was important to her? She had always begged him to be honest, to share his doubts and admit if what they had wasn't enough. She had been obsessed with the truth behind the Massacre, searching through information circling the missing nin world, and when she had stumbled upon it in the worst of situations she had latched on to it. Gohama would never regret Dazai's mission because of that crucial piece of information, of truth.
"Of course it is. Why do you ask?"
"Nothing." he said with a little smile. "I just never heard you talk about it before… Is that what you and Kisamaru discuss when you get drunk together?"
Hansuke was lying, poorly even. It pierced right through her heart and the dread frosted all around her insides. A heavy, burning possibility tearing right through her. Gohama reasoned that Hansuke would never do that to her, that he loved her and he was loyal, Hansuke was loyal in everything, from his teammates, to his friends and his Village, he would also be loyal to the woman he was with. Gohama knew he wouldn't cheat on her, but something was gnawing on him and now it was inside her too.
Maybe it was his ANBU mission. The only thing where he wasn't open to her. He probably thought that not telling her about it meant he was lying about a part of himself. Gohama knew how ANBU missions were, it wouldn't change how she saw him.
"We do." Gohama answered with a small smile of her own. "A lot of other pretentious shit too, right Kisa-chan?"
"Hai." He answered behind her. Kisamaru had been listening to their conversation. He was another one that valued truth above anything else. It translated into his search for knowledge on the human body, into his attentive piercing eyes unveiling everything, and worst of all his quiet, almost imperceptible, nosiness.
It was Gohama's turn to grasp Hansuke's arm and pull him out of the boys' room to theirs. When the door closed behind them, she cupped his face and made him look at her. "Hansuke, you don't have to worry about your ANBU mission, okay?" At her waiting look, he gave her a reluctant nod. "I understand it's above my pay grade, so you don't have to tell me the details. But if you are ready to share what haunts you about it, I'm here to listen. Okay?"
"Okay." He breathed out. With it, his shoulders eased and he wrapped his strong arms around her and buried his face in her neck. "Just… know that I love you. Promise you won't forget it, Gohama."
"I promise."
Guilt. It was always guilt with him. It festered every single nook of his life and every little relationship he had with people, but especially the ones that mattered most. Even if Gohama wasn't one of his precious people (avoiding her for two years had made sure his traitorous heart would never fall into such treachery), his relationship with her had always been significant to him. But this time it was the other way around. Usually the relationship came before his guilt, but with Gohama it had been the guilt to build his relationship with her. That was what made it so terribly disgusting and deceiving.
Now the guilt focussed into that single cruel, malicious comment, so overwhelming and gnawing, he couldn't move. How could he have allowed it to roll away from his tongue, even to grow in his mind? She had always pierced so easily through the layers of aloofness he had set around himself. Had he wanted to hurt her back for what she had said? It seemed so. Her eyes had held anger and disgust, but the worse of all had been the betrayal. A foreshadow to the crushing one that would come one day.
Gohama confused him and Gohama scared him. Not herself, but what she represented to him, what she meant to him. That was a strong word and it didn't ease him at all, but it was the right one. Despite the long list to devastating nouns, guilt, regret, failure, deceit, fear, she also meant this odd feeling that swirled around in his stomach when he saw her, a genuine pleasure just by being with her, a weird motion that pulled him to her, and despite it being tainted, care. Kakashi did care about Gohama and he did like being with her.
Their civil conversation about truth had only reminded him of that with biting ache. The truce had lasted little, but it had been there. The glint in her eyes, hearty and alive, as she spoke of truth stirred that odd swirl, both warm and cold, in his stomach and chest. Naïve, she was so naïve and so honest. Of course truth mattered to him too, but Kakashi had learnt to quiet that troublesome, foolish crave of his. For all the jaded appearance Gohama threw at people she could be an idealist. And she had had to shove Thoreau at him.
Again, he had been ready to blurt out the truth to her, just so he could end this gnawing guilt and perfidy, this lie. Lie and fake. Still, his loyalty was to Konoha above all else. He was scum, she wasn't his teammate, not even his friend, but still he felt like the lowest, filthiest of scums. A fake.
Of course Gohama saw through it, he was a fake. The sharingan had given him his prestige and his power, but it was also a reminder of his failure, of Obito's death. It had been a gift, but it wasn't his, not truly. The chakra it demanded of Kakashi, almost as a leech, was proof enough of that. All his copied jutsu, all his geniality weren't his. He was a powerful and talented fake, but still a fake nonetheless. And not just as a shinobi. As a person too.
The laidback and aloof disposition were only a fake. His tardiness and excuses a fake. His indifference and impassiveness a fake. His own physical mask helped him fake a little better. All he showed to people was a fake. Sometimes he even forgot that wasn't really him. He was so deep into his faking, so secure in not being himself that it had started blending with his true person. He could no longer mark a line of what was acting and what was genuine.
His fake self was different from his truthful one, but he had such strength, such reality that he had muddled him with his real one. When had this started? What was real about him? Maybe he should learn with his own words and accept that even if part of him was fake, it was still real. Maybe he had been faking so perfectly that was who he really was now. People changed and grew, maybe what had started as a conscious effort had turned into his character.
Still, real or not, himself or not, he was a fake, a liar. Gohama had seen it so well. She had uncovered him even with his mask.
Kisamaru arrived outside and he let his fake slouch cover the tenseness in his muscles.
"Senpai, you should know that Hansuke and Gohama made a bet." When Kakashi showed no signs of answering, Hyuga continued. "For tonight. The team that gets more intel and quicker has their drinks paid for three days."
A long pause. He wanted him to say something. "It's reckless."
"I know, but Hansuke said we should change the teams and Gohama was offended by it. So she made a bet."
That made him frown. Gohama had been more than eager to get as far from him. Going even to the point of jinxing their team. "Offended?"
"Hansuke doesn't think she can be professional working with you."
He kept a dry chuckle down in his chest. With Kakashi there was always guilt and with Gohama there was always pride. Self-destructive forces for the both of them. Dazai's mission was proof of how far she would go, how much she would endure for her own pride, her own need not to show vulnerability and weakness. It was no wonder things were so fucked up between them. "What do you think?"
"She's usually indifferent to newcomers. She's definitely not indifferent to you, Senpai." That answer had taken a jump Kakashi wasn't ready for and he gave a sidelong glance to Hyuga. His clear, translucent eyes pinned on Kakashi's masked face. He could feel the knowledge that they already had and still they searched for more, prickling against the uncovered skin of his face. "What happened on that mission?"
All that forced conversation to lead to this. Ibiki would do wonders with a kid as he in Torture and Interrogation. "She wouldn't want me to discloser that."
"Even Nikato could see it was weighing on her the first months. Hansuke was dismissive about our concerns. Then, she disappeared and almost died from an overdose on soldier pills."
Kakashi grimaced at that, the words scrapping and shuddering in his mind. At the time, it had come out that the Kyura heiress had suffered from soldier pill abuse. ANBU were usually the ones that fell that low. Never a shinobi with a constant team that could keep tabs on overwork and exhaustion, much less one with the stamina Gohama had. She hadn't been with her team then, Hansuke would never let that happen, neither Hyuga who seemed to catch every little detail with those perceptive eyes of his.
She had been fine, considering the circumstances, when he left her and Hansuke on that hospital room. Gohama had been surprisingly open with her team leader, letting him support her and ease her. Kakashi had seen both their gentle and caring eyes, different from what one had for their teammate. He thought that would be enough for her. There had been no reason for him to linger with his support, for him to take on what her presence gnawed on him. He didn't know how Hansuke could endure it.
"Now, we learnt she had a chakra outburst. Why weren't you there when it happened?"
The kid wouldn't let it go. It was good that he worried, but the insistence was bothering him now. Everything about this mission was bothering him deeper than what he should let it. "The mission asked of me to be away."
"Why was she drugged and wounded?"
Kakashi turned his back to Hyuga and started walking away towards their objective now. "I can't answer that."
"She was raped." Hyuga stated.
It wasn't even a suspicion, he had realised it years before. The words made Kakashi's spin snap straight with a shudder, his sharingan burn with the forever saved image that let his chest expand with rage and shrink with sorrow. Kakashi didn't answer, he didn't even look at the kid, but he could still feel his dissecting gaze on his back, more seeing than the byakugan.
"Did you ra…"
Before he could finish, Kakashi had already fisted his collar in both hands, let his height tower over him and his sharingan spin freely, hot and ready, into those pale eyes of his. Hyuga tensed for a moment, but quickly he fell back into the same scientific gaze.
Kakashi pulled him up by his shirt. "How can you think that?!" His rough hiss running with horror and violence at such a thought about him.
"Then why did you disappear when she needed you?"
He let the kid go with a disgusted shove and turned away from him. Gohama hadn't needed him, not when he had been so deep in his own guilt, so deep in his self-disgust. She had had Hansuke and her concerned teammates. She hadn't needed him.
"She doesn't understand."
"Do you understand, Senpai?"