Author's Notes at bottom - Enjoy!
@~~~~~
No Greater Love
Chapter 11 - Life Goes on
By: Bethany
Editor: Meara
Rated: PG
@~~~~~
Steam rose up slowly, caressing my face with it's long, warm
fingers. I stared at the mug in my hands, down into the depths of the
liquid that gently released small waves of heat. But it wasn't so much
the liquid I was comtemplating, rather I focused on my thoughts. My
heart felt heavy in my chest as I thought of the baby I had lost. No! I
told myself, I need to move on.
But I couldn't. It had been five long months since the day I had
heard my baby's heartbeat for the last time, and still it echoed
painfully in my mind.
I sighed, feeling my chest ache. Shingo was doing okay in school
and Chibi-Usa was beautiful and so smart, especially since I had
enrolled her in a mother's day out program on to feel so sad all the
time. But even those thoughts didn't stop me from hurting. I longed to
feel my baby in my arms, longed to hear the cries of a child Mamo-chan
and I had given life to. Don't get me wrong, I love Chibi-Usa with all
my heart. But she was the baby we had lost a thousand years ago, our
miracle child that had been reborn into a life were we could take care
of her. But this child... this child was to be mine and Mamo-chan's. A
normal pregnancy, so much unlike my first but even that was denied to
me.
"Usagi-chan?"
Liquid; dark liquid like blood. Steam rising up to my face. I
blinked, shaking my head free of the thoughts that haunted me. "Hai?"
Minako was in my face, her head cocked to the side as she stared
at me. "Whoa, you spaced out big time," she said, sitting back.
Across the table, Makoto sat her cup down and smiled at me.
"Dajibou, Usagi-chan?"
I emptied my own cup and sat it down on the table. The smile I
produced was a shaky one, forced up to try and reassure my friends that
surrounded me. "I'm fine. Just thinking, that's all. What were you
saying?"
"Konnichi'wa," we heard another voice say, causing us to all look
up and saving me from answering.
"Haruka-san, Michiru-san - what a surprise!" Rei exclaimed, all
of us nodding our agreement. Since the first of November Michiru and
Haruka had been gone from Japan, saying they wanted to see some of the
world leisurely, and not while on tour. We hadn't expected them back
for another six months or so, making this a true surprise.
We all scooted over in our booth, making room for the two. They
both looked tanned and extremely rested. For a brief moment, I envied
them. I wished often Mamo-chan and I could just take the kids and get
away for a couple of months, but we were both tied down by school, jobs
and house mortgages. Especially with Mamo-chan just taking up residency
at the University, a paid vacation was a while off.
"Earth to Usagi-chan, you're doing it again!" Minako complained,
waving her hand in front of my face. I snapped back to attention
quickly, feeling guilty for getting lost in my own thoughts so often.
"Gomen, Minako-chan, minna. I'm feeling tired today. Perhaps I
should go home and rest a while." I stood up, waiting for Haruka,
Michiru and Makoto to let me out of the booth. I didn't want to leave
them there, but I couldn't focus my attention to them at the moment.
Sighing, I turned around just before leaving. "Haruka, Michiru,
please forgive me for running out on your like this. I would like if
you could come to dinner at my house tonight. I do want to hear about
your trip and visit with you for a while."
"Sure," Michiru replied, smiling in her way that made everything
seem okay. "Don't worry about it, we understand. What time do you want
us there?"
"Seven sound okay?" At least that left me six hours to come up
with something that wouldn't gross them out too much. God knows I've
never been a gourmet chief.
"Great, see you then," Haruka replied and I left quickly, waving
back at them.
I nearly ran all the way home, passing by people and knocking
into some as I passed. As I rushed up the sidewalk to my house, my
neighbor called out to me, but I paid her no attention as I went into
my home and shut the door behind me.
I leaned against the cool, wooden door; trying to catch my
breath. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel like I was running from
something? Shaking my head, I took my shoes off and walked into the
kitchen. The refrigerator was full of lunch meats, and frozen dinners-
all easy fix meals that even I couldn't screw up.
Why hadn't I ever learned to cook? Even after I was married,
Mamo-chan was the only one of the two of us that knew how to fix
anything more complicated than scrambled eggs. Pancakes in my skillet
became burnt frisbees that could break windows. Cookies were one forth
their original size by the time I was done, and just about any other
food I had tried to make ended up setting the fire alarm off and
sending fire trucks out to our house.
I sat on one of our bar stools, staring at the contents of our
cabinets. No matter how many times I looked, it was all the same.
Peanut butter, canned pasta and vegetables. And that's when it happened
- the Food Fairy showed up, carrying a beautiful assortment of
appetizers, main dishes and desserts.
In reality? I began crying. Not like I didn't do this a lot, mind
you. But I couldn't help it. I sat at my kitchen counter, bawling my
eyes out over... what? The fact I couldn't cook? That I had rudely ran
out on my friends? I just couldn't put my finger on it. It just seemed
that everything in my life had gotten to the point that all I wanted to
do was cry about it.
In my sorrowful mind, I once more turned to the baby I had lost.
Somewhere in my warped way of thinking, I just knew that if I hadn't
lost that child, I wouldn't be so messed up right now. Perhaps I would
even be able to cook. I could see him, so plainly. A little boy with
blonde hair like spun gold and eyes as deep blue as the ocean's bottom.
Perhaps he would have been a doctor, like Mamo-chan, or a lawyer, a
policeman. The more I thought about it the harder I cried.
I don't know how long I laid there, dreaming about things that
would never be, but the next thing I knew the front door flew open and
the sound of Shingo kicking his shoes off was followed by him running
full force into the living room. "Mom?! Mom, where are you?!"
I blinked my tears back, wiping my face with the back of my hand.
What was Shingo doing home so early? Usually I met him at the school
and we walked home together. Concerned, I stood up and walked to the
kitchen door just as he swung it open, racing in. "Mom!" he gasped,
stopping to catch his breath. "Are you okay?"
"Sure I am, why wouldn't I be?" I lied, smiling although I'm sure
my face and eyes were blood red. "What are you doing home so early?"
Shingo's eyebrow rose, just as my father's always did when he was
confused about something. "Mom, it's three o'clock. I waited for you
for fifteen minutes before..." he stopped, looking around. "Where's
Chibi-Usa?"
"I..." It was three o'clock? Surely I hadn't been sitting there
for two hours. And Chibi-Usa... where was Chibi-Usa? Still at the
church? "Oh no! She must still be at the church!" I exclaimed, grabbing
my purse off the counter. "Come on Shingo!"
My oldest looked scared as I ran out of the house and into the
garage. I hadn't driven the car Mamo-chan bought me but a couple of
times, insistent that I could walk wherever I needed to go. But right
now I was thankful for it.
I sped all the way to the church, pulling up to the front and
squealing my tires. Sitting in front of me was a familiar red car and I
found myself actually scared of what was going to happen. Trying to
catch my breath, Shingo and I walked into the main office. The first
thing my eyes fell on was Mamo-chan talking to the director - and
holding Chibi-Usa.
"Mama!" Chibi-Usa squealed as I walked in, holding her arms out
to me. I took her from my husband, and hugged her tightly.
Mamo-chan cast a glance at me out of the side of his eye and then
smiled at the director. "Again, I'm sorry about this Junse-san."
"Oh, it's no problem. We were worried that something had happened
to your wife, usually she is here to pick up Chibi-Usa-chan on time. I
didn't mean to pull you from your job," Junse explained, looking
nervous. I'm sure it had something about the tension that was between
Mamo-chan and I.
Mamo-chan walked out the door, leaving me to grab Chibi-Usa's bag
and follow. "Thank you," I called to the director as I went out the
door, Shingo in tow. I put Chibi-Usa in her car seat and told Shingo to
get in and buckle up. Mamo-chan had went to his car, but hadn't got in.
I walked up to him with my head down, feeling another gush of
tears well up behind my eyes. I couldn't believe I had forgotten to get
her. Mamo-chan had his head bowed, his black hair falling lazily over
his forehead. He didn't even look up when he started talking. "Where
were you?"
"I was at the house," I mumbled.
"Usako, Junse said she tried to call you four times before she
called the hospital for me."
"Mamo-chan, I swear I was at home! I left the fruit parlor at one
o'clock and came straight home. I--" I was cut off in mid-sentence by
Mamo-chan opening his car door and getting in.
"Look, go on home, I have to get back to work. We'll talk about
this when I get home. Be careful, I love you."
Tears did start to fall as he pulled off, leaving me standing on
the sidewalk. Since the death of our child, I had felt a small tear in
the relationship between myself and my husband.
I feared I had just ripped it again.
@------
Dejectedly I stared at the clock as it struck five. Mamo-chan
would be home in about fifteen minutes. I don't recall ever dreading
the time he came home, but today I was. In our recently fenced in
backyard, I watched as Shingo pushed Chibi-Usa on a swing. Her feet
kicked in joy as he pushed her higher and higher and higher...
And then, before my astonished eyes I saw her fall, down to the
hard Earth, her body crumbling as her neck broke. "NO!!" I screamed,
dropping the plate I had been washing. The porcelain crashed to the
hardwood floor, sending pieces flying everywhere that cut into my legs
and feet.
Screaming, crying, howling in fear, I half ran and half dragged
myself to the back door and shoved it open. "NO! CHIBI-USA! NO!" The
pain in my legs was intense, but nothing like my heart that beat so
fast. Dear God, please, no... please!
I fell to my knees on the concrete patio, not wanting to lift my
head up to see--but I had to. I had to look. Slowly I forced the dead
weight of my head up, so that I could lay eyes on my broken baby.
Another child, dead by my hands.... another...
"Mom?! Are you okay?!" Shingo gasped urgently as he ran up to me.
"Mom? What happened?"
Behind him, another voice... who's? Small feet running as fast as
they could without tripping, white sandals incased on little feet with
pink toe nails. "Chibi-Usa!" I gasped, feeling my chest ache.
"Mom, Chibi-Usa is fine. She's right here," Shingo said gently,
pulling my toddler closer so that I could see her. I propped myself up
on one arm and pulled her close with the other, hugging her so tightly
I feared I may crack her ribs. The scent of baby shampoo tickled my
nostrils and I felt relief flood my body.
Shingo had gotten on his knees at my legs and was currently
looking them over. "What happened to your legs and feet, Mom?" he
demanded in a worried tone. "You're bleeding from a dozen places! And
it looks like there is glass in some of them..."
"I--"
At the same moment, as ironic as it seemed, Mamo-chan came
through the front door. Shingo shot up, and before I could gasp out a
muffled resemblance to words, ran in the house to get my husband.
In two seconds both father and son came back out onto the patio.
Any remaining anger from earlier was banished from Mamo-chan's face
when he saw me sprawled out on the concrete. "Usako! What happened?"
Chibi-Usa took this moment to look to where Mamo-chan was gaping
and saw the blood. Instantly she let out a blood curdling scream, tears
falling down her plump cheeks. "Mama hurt!! Mama hurt!" she howled over
and over. "Papa fix Mama! Onegai!"
I shook my head, feeling foolish. Mamo-chan helped me to my feet,
but my left ankle gave out when I put weight on it, sending a sharp
pain up my leg. I would have kissed the pavement again if Mamo-chan
hadn't scooped me into his arms and carried me to the sofa. Shingo
picked up Chibi-Usa, trying to calm her as he followed us into the
living room.
Stupid, stupid, stupid! I thought to myself over and over again.
What more are you going to do to make everyone's life miserable? While
I silently cursed myself, Mamo-chan sent Shingo out to the car for his
doctor's bag. A few minutes later he declared I had sprained my ankle.
"We need to take you on to the hospital for x-rays, though. Just
to make sure you haven't broken anything," he said as he wrapped my
foot and ankle in an ace bandage.
I rolled my eyes, turning to stare at the back of the sofa. I
felt hot tears burning behind my eyelids, but I determinedly pushed
them aside and swallowed. "Shingo, hand me the phone, please."
Makoto wasn't home when I called. For that matter, neither were
Minako or Rei. Ami was working tonight, so that left Setsuna or
Hotaru... "Oh no!" I suddenly cried, glancing at the clock. "Mamo-chan,
I can't go to the hospital. I invited Haruka and Michiru over for
dinner tonight!"
My husband looked at me with one of those queer looks of
puzzlement on his face, the kind I would laugh at if I weren't so
serious. He walked slowly over to the sofa I was still sprawled out on
and slid his hand down the side of my face. "Usako, my love, I think
they'll understand that you can't very well cook dinner if you can't
put weight on your foot."
"But Mamo-chan..." I had already worked out a speech about how I
had deserted them at lunch today, and they just back in town when he
placed his finger on my lips to hush me.
"No buts," he stated, leaving no room for any further argument.
"Now, call Hotaru and see if she can come over to baby-sit. Tell Haruka
and Michiru what happened, and let's go."
@------
Nearly forty five minutes later we made it to the hospital. I
felt idiotic as Mamo-chan carried me into the ER instead of going in
for a wheelchair. I insisted he let me hobble in as he swept me up in
his arms. "Oh, Usako," he whined, his eyes twinkling madly as he
carried in across the parking lot. "I thought you liked for me to come
dashing in, sweeping you off your feet and away?"
I giggled at his words, for they were the same ones I had spoken
to him the last time we had been discussing an enemy. "When there's a
ten foot monster about to kill me, yes - it's very romantic. But Mamo-
chan, we're in public!"
"So?"
I sighed and wrapped my arms around his neck. "You'll pay for
this later," I warned.
He smiled devilishly at me, winking. "I hope so."
The ER was extremely slow today, it seemed. We sat in the waiting
room with one other family that looked like they had been there for
hours. On the table next to them were discarded magazines, empty coke
cans, potato chip and peanut bags. It wasn't ten minutes later that
they called us back to see a doctor. Which felt foolish to me, since my
husband was a doctor, but then everything seemed off to me today.
The nurse took my temperature and blood pressure, jotting it down
on my chart. "When was your last period?"
My mind went blank for a moment, trying to determine exactly when
it was, since it changed by a couple of days every month or so.
Guessing, I told her about four weeks ago.
"Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" she asked, having no
idea how much pain that simple question brought me. I hesitated but
shook my head. She didn't write anything down, only stared at me a
moment. "Chiba-san, if you don't know for sure and you're sexually
active, we need to check. You'll probably need x-rays on your foot and
it could be harmful to the fetus."
Ah, the trouble I get myself into. Imagine, if you will, Mamo-
chan helping me across the hall and into the bathroom with this tiny
small cup and a lid. Ugh, I hated doing this with a passion of a
thousand angry Gods. Not the test, mind you. But how in the name of all
that is good in this life was any female expected to hit this small
cup? My aim, to say the least, wasn't perfected.
And aside from that, Mamo-chan only helped me to the door of the
restroom. After that I had to juggle the small cup of horror as I
jumped the long space between the door and the toilet on my good foot.
I tried once to put weight on my hurt foot, and immediately thought it
a bad idea as pain shot through my leg.
To anyone watching, I was a sight that triggered a good laugh.
Five minutes later I re-opened the door to see Mamo-chan standing
directly on the other side of it, waiting for me. "Well?" he asked.
I looked at him, completely dumbfounded that such a smart man
could say such dumb things. "Well what?" I inquired.
He motioned towards the bathroom with both hands expectantly.
"Well, you know..."
I rolled my eyes. He was serious, wasn't he? Men... "I peed in
the cup, Mamo-chan," I deadpanned, looking straight into his eyes. One
of the ER doctors walked by, raising an eyebrow but saying nothing.
My husband blanched, his mouth opening but nothing coming out.
The nurse was standing at the door to the exam room and despite
herself, laughed. I hobbled by him, taking great care to try and make
it look easy as possible and went in the room.
@------
The small hand on the clock seemed to last two minutes for every
one it moved. I sighed, leaning back on the rather hard bed and stared
at the light fixture above me. "I'm bored," I declared.
"Hmm," my husband responded, leaning against the wall next to the
bed I laid on. "Usako," he suddenly looked up at me, his eyes boring
into me. "What happened today? How did you fall?"
I shrugged as best I could while lying down. "I was going outside
to where the children were and fell," I said, telling only half the
truth. Which, by the way, never works with your soul-mate.
"And the cuts in your legs?" he drawled, leaning forward. "Did
they come from the broken plate in the floor?"
I sat up, looking exasperated. "You don't miss a thing, do you?"
He sat on the small doctor's stood with wheels and rolled towards
me, grasping my hands in his. "Sweetheart, I'm worried about you. You
don't eat well or sleep well. You can't stay focused, avoid your
friends and even forget to pick Chibi-Usa up? I've stood by, hoping
you'd come out of this on your own. But it's been five months, is this
still about the baby?"
"No," I whispered, shifting my eyes away.
"What happened today?" he asked, quietly this time. Without the
pressure, I felt once more like this was my husband, my best friend
again. He would understand. I wasn't going crazy. I wasn't. And our
baby's death, it wasn't my fault... was it?
I watched, nearly in a trance, as he rubbed his thumbs over the
palms of my hands. I swallowed, reminding myself my vision was not
real. "I was washing dishes, watching the children play outside. Shingo
was pushing Chibi-Usa on a swing, her laughter rang so loud I could
hear her. And then... and then I saw her fall to the ground, her neck
broken...." Tears broke free from my eyes, zigzagging in hot trails
down my cheeks. "I screamed, thinking I had to get to her. That's when
I dropped the plate and ran to the back door. I don't remember
tripping, just laying on the ground.
"But Mamo-chan, she didn't fall. Shingo was scared to death as I
ran outside, but Chibi-Usa was fine. I don't know what made me see it,
but it was so real... so real..." I cried, burying my face in his
shoulder while he comforted me. "Mamo-chan, what's wrong with me? Am I
going crazy?"
"No!" he protested urgently, cupping my face in his hands. "We'll
find out what's causing this. But you're not crazy, I know you're
not." He brushed the tears from my face and kissed my lips so softly it
felt like a feather had brushed against them. "I love you."
I closed my eyes, basking in the warmth of his love, and sighed.
Confessing just a small part of what had been going on in my head for
the last three months felt like I had lifted fifty pounds from my
shoulders. We kissed again just as the doctor knocked on the door and
then, without waiting for a response, walked in.
"Dr. Mizuno!" I gasped, surprised to not see the ER doctor come
through the door.
Ami's mother nodded, smiling as she flipped through the chart she
held in her hand and then placing it on the counter. "Konnichi'wa," she
greeted. "Sorry to have taken so long."
"Not a problem. I didn't even know they were calling you." I
paused, the curiosity too much. "Um, not that I'm complaining, but why
are you here? I think all I've done is sprained my ankle."
She sat down on a stool, retrieving the chart from the counter
again. "Well, it wasn't necessary for me to come down here, no. But I
was in the lab when they brought in your urine sample for the pregnancy
test."
I felt my breath catch in my throat, even as my heart began
pounding in a nervous manner. Mamo-chan looked at me and then back at
the doctor expectantly.
Removing the glasses from her face, she folded her hands in her
lap and smiled warmly at us. "I wanted to bring this to you, not only
because you are my patient, but a close friend of Ami's and mine." I
waited for her to continue, but that breath she took seemed to last ten
minutes. "Usagi, Mamoru - I suspect in about eight months you will be
parents again."
"You're serious?!" Mamo-chan asked, jumping up with a grin that
lit his face from one side to the other.
"Quite," Dr. Mizuno replied, smiling almost as much as Mamo-chan.
I just stared, dumbfounded. I was pregnant? I wanted to laugh,
cry, jump for joy. But I did none of that. I felt a sickening feeling
in the bottom of my stomach as I stared at the doctor and my husband.
"Are you sure?" I asked quietly. "Because, I just had my period a
couple of weeks ago, and I've had no symptoms."
Dr. Mizuno smiled at me blankly, confused by my behavior. "Well,
yes, I'm very sure. These tests are ninety-nine percent accurate. You
won't have any signs, yet. Usagi, are you okay?"
I felt a weak smile tug at my lips. I was pregnant. But... but
what if I lost this one, too? I didn't think I could handle another
loss, so close to the other one. "Mizuno-san, is it safe for me to be
pregnant after my miscarriage?"
"Perfectly safe. You had no complications from it, and it's been
nearly six months. I don't see any reason for you to have problems with
this pregnancy. Usagi, women have miscarriages and then go on to have
two, three or more children," explained Dr. Mizuno in a soothing,
understanding voice.
Mamo-chan wrapped his arms around me and squeezed tightly. I felt
a rush of joy flood my mind and heart as I squealed with delight. In
the mist of all the excitement, I jump up to be in Mamo-chan's arms...
completely forgetting my sprained ankle. I squeaked in pain and nearly
fell to the floor.
"Oh dear," Dr. Mizuno laughed, propping my foot up. "I had nearly
forgotten about that."
Even as happy as I appeared, a darkness lurked in my heart,
telling me I was doomed to miscarry again. And all my children would
die at my hands. I shut my eyes tight and blocked out the voice. I
wouldn't allow my mind to do this any longer. I had to have control
over my life, now seemed a good as time to start as any.
It would hurt to let go of the past, I knew. But was the past
worth living in and forgetting my future? Was this baby my sign from
God that it was time to let go and move on? Hard times would break you
or make you stronger.
I was determined to be stronger.
--End Chapter 11.
That's that for this chapter, go read the epilogue!! ^_^ There's better
author's notes at the bottom of it :)
@~~~~~
No Greater Love
Chapter 11 - Life Goes on
By: Bethany
Editor: Meara
Rated: PG
@~~~~~
Steam rose up slowly, caressing my face with it's long, warm
fingers. I stared at the mug in my hands, down into the depths of the
liquid that gently released small waves of heat. But it wasn't so much
the liquid I was comtemplating, rather I focused on my thoughts. My
heart felt heavy in my chest as I thought of the baby I had lost. No! I
told myself, I need to move on.
But I couldn't. It had been five long months since the day I had
heard my baby's heartbeat for the last time, and still it echoed
painfully in my mind.
I sighed, feeling my chest ache. Shingo was doing okay in school
and Chibi-Usa was beautiful and so smart, especially since I had
enrolled her in a mother's day out program on to feel so sad all the
time. But even those thoughts didn't stop me from hurting. I longed to
feel my baby in my arms, longed to hear the cries of a child Mamo-chan
and I had given life to. Don't get me wrong, I love Chibi-Usa with all
my heart. But she was the baby we had lost a thousand years ago, our
miracle child that had been reborn into a life were we could take care
of her. But this child... this child was to be mine and Mamo-chan's. A
normal pregnancy, so much unlike my first but even that was denied to
me.
"Usagi-chan?"
Liquid; dark liquid like blood. Steam rising up to my face. I
blinked, shaking my head free of the thoughts that haunted me. "Hai?"
Minako was in my face, her head cocked to the side as she stared
at me. "Whoa, you spaced out big time," she said, sitting back.
Across the table, Makoto sat her cup down and smiled at me.
"Dajibou, Usagi-chan?"
I emptied my own cup and sat it down on the table. The smile I
produced was a shaky one, forced up to try and reassure my friends that
surrounded me. "I'm fine. Just thinking, that's all. What were you
saying?"
"Konnichi'wa," we heard another voice say, causing us to all look
up and saving me from answering.
"Haruka-san, Michiru-san - what a surprise!" Rei exclaimed, all
of us nodding our agreement. Since the first of November Michiru and
Haruka had been gone from Japan, saying they wanted to see some of the
world leisurely, and not while on tour. We hadn't expected them back
for another six months or so, making this a true surprise.
We all scooted over in our booth, making room for the two. They
both looked tanned and extremely rested. For a brief moment, I envied
them. I wished often Mamo-chan and I could just take the kids and get
away for a couple of months, but we were both tied down by school, jobs
and house mortgages. Especially with Mamo-chan just taking up residency
at the University, a paid vacation was a while off.
"Earth to Usagi-chan, you're doing it again!" Minako complained,
waving her hand in front of my face. I snapped back to attention
quickly, feeling guilty for getting lost in my own thoughts so often.
"Gomen, Minako-chan, minna. I'm feeling tired today. Perhaps I
should go home and rest a while." I stood up, waiting for Haruka,
Michiru and Makoto to let me out of the booth. I didn't want to leave
them there, but I couldn't focus my attention to them at the moment.
Sighing, I turned around just before leaving. "Haruka, Michiru,
please forgive me for running out on your like this. I would like if
you could come to dinner at my house tonight. I do want to hear about
your trip and visit with you for a while."
"Sure," Michiru replied, smiling in her way that made everything
seem okay. "Don't worry about it, we understand. What time do you want
us there?"
"Seven sound okay?" At least that left me six hours to come up
with something that wouldn't gross them out too much. God knows I've
never been a gourmet chief.
"Great, see you then," Haruka replied and I left quickly, waving
back at them.
I nearly ran all the way home, passing by people and knocking
into some as I passed. As I rushed up the sidewalk to my house, my
neighbor called out to me, but I paid her no attention as I went into
my home and shut the door behind me.
I leaned against the cool, wooden door; trying to catch my
breath. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel like I was running from
something? Shaking my head, I took my shoes off and walked into the
kitchen. The refrigerator was full of lunch meats, and frozen dinners-
all easy fix meals that even I couldn't screw up.
Why hadn't I ever learned to cook? Even after I was married,
Mamo-chan was the only one of the two of us that knew how to fix
anything more complicated than scrambled eggs. Pancakes in my skillet
became burnt frisbees that could break windows. Cookies were one forth
their original size by the time I was done, and just about any other
food I had tried to make ended up setting the fire alarm off and
sending fire trucks out to our house.
I sat on one of our bar stools, staring at the contents of our
cabinets. No matter how many times I looked, it was all the same.
Peanut butter, canned pasta and vegetables. And that's when it happened
- the Food Fairy showed up, carrying a beautiful assortment of
appetizers, main dishes and desserts.
In reality? I began crying. Not like I didn't do this a lot, mind
you. But I couldn't help it. I sat at my kitchen counter, bawling my
eyes out over... what? The fact I couldn't cook? That I had rudely ran
out on my friends? I just couldn't put my finger on it. It just seemed
that everything in my life had gotten to the point that all I wanted to
do was cry about it.
In my sorrowful mind, I once more turned to the baby I had lost.
Somewhere in my warped way of thinking, I just knew that if I hadn't
lost that child, I wouldn't be so messed up right now. Perhaps I would
even be able to cook. I could see him, so plainly. A little boy with
blonde hair like spun gold and eyes as deep blue as the ocean's bottom.
Perhaps he would have been a doctor, like Mamo-chan, or a lawyer, a
policeman. The more I thought about it the harder I cried.
I don't know how long I laid there, dreaming about things that
would never be, but the next thing I knew the front door flew open and
the sound of Shingo kicking his shoes off was followed by him running
full force into the living room. "Mom?! Mom, where are you?!"
I blinked my tears back, wiping my face with the back of my hand.
What was Shingo doing home so early? Usually I met him at the school
and we walked home together. Concerned, I stood up and walked to the
kitchen door just as he swung it open, racing in. "Mom!" he gasped,
stopping to catch his breath. "Are you okay?"
"Sure I am, why wouldn't I be?" I lied, smiling although I'm sure
my face and eyes were blood red. "What are you doing home so early?"
Shingo's eyebrow rose, just as my father's always did when he was
confused about something. "Mom, it's three o'clock. I waited for you
for fifteen minutes before..." he stopped, looking around. "Where's
Chibi-Usa?"
"I..." It was three o'clock? Surely I hadn't been sitting there
for two hours. And Chibi-Usa... where was Chibi-Usa? Still at the
church? "Oh no! She must still be at the church!" I exclaimed, grabbing
my purse off the counter. "Come on Shingo!"
My oldest looked scared as I ran out of the house and into the
garage. I hadn't driven the car Mamo-chan bought me but a couple of
times, insistent that I could walk wherever I needed to go. But right
now I was thankful for it.
I sped all the way to the church, pulling up to the front and
squealing my tires. Sitting in front of me was a familiar red car and I
found myself actually scared of what was going to happen. Trying to
catch my breath, Shingo and I walked into the main office. The first
thing my eyes fell on was Mamo-chan talking to the director - and
holding Chibi-Usa.
"Mama!" Chibi-Usa squealed as I walked in, holding her arms out
to me. I took her from my husband, and hugged her tightly.
Mamo-chan cast a glance at me out of the side of his eye and then
smiled at the director. "Again, I'm sorry about this Junse-san."
"Oh, it's no problem. We were worried that something had happened
to your wife, usually she is here to pick up Chibi-Usa-chan on time. I
didn't mean to pull you from your job," Junse explained, looking
nervous. I'm sure it had something about the tension that was between
Mamo-chan and I.
Mamo-chan walked out the door, leaving me to grab Chibi-Usa's bag
and follow. "Thank you," I called to the director as I went out the
door, Shingo in tow. I put Chibi-Usa in her car seat and told Shingo to
get in and buckle up. Mamo-chan had went to his car, but hadn't got in.
I walked up to him with my head down, feeling another gush of
tears well up behind my eyes. I couldn't believe I had forgotten to get
her. Mamo-chan had his head bowed, his black hair falling lazily over
his forehead. He didn't even look up when he started talking. "Where
were you?"
"I was at the house," I mumbled.
"Usako, Junse said she tried to call you four times before she
called the hospital for me."
"Mamo-chan, I swear I was at home! I left the fruit parlor at one
o'clock and came straight home. I--" I was cut off in mid-sentence by
Mamo-chan opening his car door and getting in.
"Look, go on home, I have to get back to work. We'll talk about
this when I get home. Be careful, I love you."
Tears did start to fall as he pulled off, leaving me standing on
the sidewalk. Since the death of our child, I had felt a small tear in
the relationship between myself and my husband.
I feared I had just ripped it again.
@------
Dejectedly I stared at the clock as it struck five. Mamo-chan
would be home in about fifteen minutes. I don't recall ever dreading
the time he came home, but today I was. In our recently fenced in
backyard, I watched as Shingo pushed Chibi-Usa on a swing. Her feet
kicked in joy as he pushed her higher and higher and higher...
And then, before my astonished eyes I saw her fall, down to the
hard Earth, her body crumbling as her neck broke. "NO!!" I screamed,
dropping the plate I had been washing. The porcelain crashed to the
hardwood floor, sending pieces flying everywhere that cut into my legs
and feet.
Screaming, crying, howling in fear, I half ran and half dragged
myself to the back door and shoved it open. "NO! CHIBI-USA! NO!" The
pain in my legs was intense, but nothing like my heart that beat so
fast. Dear God, please, no... please!
I fell to my knees on the concrete patio, not wanting to lift my
head up to see--but I had to. I had to look. Slowly I forced the dead
weight of my head up, so that I could lay eyes on my broken baby.
Another child, dead by my hands.... another...
"Mom?! Are you okay?!" Shingo gasped urgently as he ran up to me.
"Mom? What happened?"
Behind him, another voice... who's? Small feet running as fast as
they could without tripping, white sandals incased on little feet with
pink toe nails. "Chibi-Usa!" I gasped, feeling my chest ache.
"Mom, Chibi-Usa is fine. She's right here," Shingo said gently,
pulling my toddler closer so that I could see her. I propped myself up
on one arm and pulled her close with the other, hugging her so tightly
I feared I may crack her ribs. The scent of baby shampoo tickled my
nostrils and I felt relief flood my body.
Shingo had gotten on his knees at my legs and was currently
looking them over. "What happened to your legs and feet, Mom?" he
demanded in a worried tone. "You're bleeding from a dozen places! And
it looks like there is glass in some of them..."
"I--"
At the same moment, as ironic as it seemed, Mamo-chan came
through the front door. Shingo shot up, and before I could gasp out a
muffled resemblance to words, ran in the house to get my husband.
In two seconds both father and son came back out onto the patio.
Any remaining anger from earlier was banished from Mamo-chan's face
when he saw me sprawled out on the concrete. "Usako! What happened?"
Chibi-Usa took this moment to look to where Mamo-chan was gaping
and saw the blood. Instantly she let out a blood curdling scream, tears
falling down her plump cheeks. "Mama hurt!! Mama hurt!" she howled over
and over. "Papa fix Mama! Onegai!"
I shook my head, feeling foolish. Mamo-chan helped me to my feet,
but my left ankle gave out when I put weight on it, sending a sharp
pain up my leg. I would have kissed the pavement again if Mamo-chan
hadn't scooped me into his arms and carried me to the sofa. Shingo
picked up Chibi-Usa, trying to calm her as he followed us into the
living room.
Stupid, stupid, stupid! I thought to myself over and over again.
What more are you going to do to make everyone's life miserable? While
I silently cursed myself, Mamo-chan sent Shingo out to the car for his
doctor's bag. A few minutes later he declared I had sprained my ankle.
"We need to take you on to the hospital for x-rays, though. Just
to make sure you haven't broken anything," he said as he wrapped my
foot and ankle in an ace bandage.
I rolled my eyes, turning to stare at the back of the sofa. I
felt hot tears burning behind my eyelids, but I determinedly pushed
them aside and swallowed. "Shingo, hand me the phone, please."
Makoto wasn't home when I called. For that matter, neither were
Minako or Rei. Ami was working tonight, so that left Setsuna or
Hotaru... "Oh no!" I suddenly cried, glancing at the clock. "Mamo-chan,
I can't go to the hospital. I invited Haruka and Michiru over for
dinner tonight!"
My husband looked at me with one of those queer looks of
puzzlement on his face, the kind I would laugh at if I weren't so
serious. He walked slowly over to the sofa I was still sprawled out on
and slid his hand down the side of my face. "Usako, my love, I think
they'll understand that you can't very well cook dinner if you can't
put weight on your foot."
"But Mamo-chan..." I had already worked out a speech about how I
had deserted them at lunch today, and they just back in town when he
placed his finger on my lips to hush me.
"No buts," he stated, leaving no room for any further argument.
"Now, call Hotaru and see if she can come over to baby-sit. Tell Haruka
and Michiru what happened, and let's go."
@------
Nearly forty five minutes later we made it to the hospital. I
felt idiotic as Mamo-chan carried me into the ER instead of going in
for a wheelchair. I insisted he let me hobble in as he swept me up in
his arms. "Oh, Usako," he whined, his eyes twinkling madly as he
carried in across the parking lot. "I thought you liked for me to come
dashing in, sweeping you off your feet and away?"
I giggled at his words, for they were the same ones I had spoken
to him the last time we had been discussing an enemy. "When there's a
ten foot monster about to kill me, yes - it's very romantic. But Mamo-
chan, we're in public!"
"So?"
I sighed and wrapped my arms around his neck. "You'll pay for
this later," I warned.
He smiled devilishly at me, winking. "I hope so."
The ER was extremely slow today, it seemed. We sat in the waiting
room with one other family that looked like they had been there for
hours. On the table next to them were discarded magazines, empty coke
cans, potato chip and peanut bags. It wasn't ten minutes later that
they called us back to see a doctor. Which felt foolish to me, since my
husband was a doctor, but then everything seemed off to me today.
The nurse took my temperature and blood pressure, jotting it down
on my chart. "When was your last period?"
My mind went blank for a moment, trying to determine exactly when
it was, since it changed by a couple of days every month or so.
Guessing, I told her about four weeks ago.
"Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" she asked, having no
idea how much pain that simple question brought me. I hesitated but
shook my head. She didn't write anything down, only stared at me a
moment. "Chiba-san, if you don't know for sure and you're sexually
active, we need to check. You'll probably need x-rays on your foot and
it could be harmful to the fetus."
Ah, the trouble I get myself into. Imagine, if you will, Mamo-
chan helping me across the hall and into the bathroom with this tiny
small cup and a lid. Ugh, I hated doing this with a passion of a
thousand angry Gods. Not the test, mind you. But how in the name of all
that is good in this life was any female expected to hit this small
cup? My aim, to say the least, wasn't perfected.
And aside from that, Mamo-chan only helped me to the door of the
restroom. After that I had to juggle the small cup of horror as I
jumped the long space between the door and the toilet on my good foot.
I tried once to put weight on my hurt foot, and immediately thought it
a bad idea as pain shot through my leg.
To anyone watching, I was a sight that triggered a good laugh.
Five minutes later I re-opened the door to see Mamo-chan standing
directly on the other side of it, waiting for me. "Well?" he asked.
I looked at him, completely dumbfounded that such a smart man
could say such dumb things. "Well what?" I inquired.
He motioned towards the bathroom with both hands expectantly.
"Well, you know..."
I rolled my eyes. He was serious, wasn't he? Men... "I peed in
the cup, Mamo-chan," I deadpanned, looking straight into his eyes. One
of the ER doctors walked by, raising an eyebrow but saying nothing.
My husband blanched, his mouth opening but nothing coming out.
The nurse was standing at the door to the exam room and despite
herself, laughed. I hobbled by him, taking great care to try and make
it look easy as possible and went in the room.
@------
The small hand on the clock seemed to last two minutes for every
one it moved. I sighed, leaning back on the rather hard bed and stared
at the light fixture above me. "I'm bored," I declared.
"Hmm," my husband responded, leaning against the wall next to the
bed I laid on. "Usako," he suddenly looked up at me, his eyes boring
into me. "What happened today? How did you fall?"
I shrugged as best I could while lying down. "I was going outside
to where the children were and fell," I said, telling only half the
truth. Which, by the way, never works with your soul-mate.
"And the cuts in your legs?" he drawled, leaning forward. "Did
they come from the broken plate in the floor?"
I sat up, looking exasperated. "You don't miss a thing, do you?"
He sat on the small doctor's stood with wheels and rolled towards
me, grasping my hands in his. "Sweetheart, I'm worried about you. You
don't eat well or sleep well. You can't stay focused, avoid your
friends and even forget to pick Chibi-Usa up? I've stood by, hoping
you'd come out of this on your own. But it's been five months, is this
still about the baby?"
"No," I whispered, shifting my eyes away.
"What happened today?" he asked, quietly this time. Without the
pressure, I felt once more like this was my husband, my best friend
again. He would understand. I wasn't going crazy. I wasn't. And our
baby's death, it wasn't my fault... was it?
I watched, nearly in a trance, as he rubbed his thumbs over the
palms of my hands. I swallowed, reminding myself my vision was not
real. "I was washing dishes, watching the children play outside. Shingo
was pushing Chibi-Usa on a swing, her laughter rang so loud I could
hear her. And then... and then I saw her fall to the ground, her neck
broken...." Tears broke free from my eyes, zigzagging in hot trails
down my cheeks. "I screamed, thinking I had to get to her. That's when
I dropped the plate and ran to the back door. I don't remember
tripping, just laying on the ground.
"But Mamo-chan, she didn't fall. Shingo was scared to death as I
ran outside, but Chibi-Usa was fine. I don't know what made me see it,
but it was so real... so real..." I cried, burying my face in his
shoulder while he comforted me. "Mamo-chan, what's wrong with me? Am I
going crazy?"
"No!" he protested urgently, cupping my face in his hands. "We'll
find out what's causing this. But you're not crazy, I know you're
not." He brushed the tears from my face and kissed my lips so softly it
felt like a feather had brushed against them. "I love you."
I closed my eyes, basking in the warmth of his love, and sighed.
Confessing just a small part of what had been going on in my head for
the last three months felt like I had lifted fifty pounds from my
shoulders. We kissed again just as the doctor knocked on the door and
then, without waiting for a response, walked in.
"Dr. Mizuno!" I gasped, surprised to not see the ER doctor come
through the door.
Ami's mother nodded, smiling as she flipped through the chart she
held in her hand and then placing it on the counter. "Konnichi'wa," she
greeted. "Sorry to have taken so long."
"Not a problem. I didn't even know they were calling you." I
paused, the curiosity too much. "Um, not that I'm complaining, but why
are you here? I think all I've done is sprained my ankle."
She sat down on a stool, retrieving the chart from the counter
again. "Well, it wasn't necessary for me to come down here, no. But I
was in the lab when they brought in your urine sample for the pregnancy
test."
I felt my breath catch in my throat, even as my heart began
pounding in a nervous manner. Mamo-chan looked at me and then back at
the doctor expectantly.
Removing the glasses from her face, she folded her hands in her
lap and smiled warmly at us. "I wanted to bring this to you, not only
because you are my patient, but a close friend of Ami's and mine." I
waited for her to continue, but that breath she took seemed to last ten
minutes. "Usagi, Mamoru - I suspect in about eight months you will be
parents again."
"You're serious?!" Mamo-chan asked, jumping up with a grin that
lit his face from one side to the other.
"Quite," Dr. Mizuno replied, smiling almost as much as Mamo-chan.
I just stared, dumbfounded. I was pregnant? I wanted to laugh,
cry, jump for joy. But I did none of that. I felt a sickening feeling
in the bottom of my stomach as I stared at the doctor and my husband.
"Are you sure?" I asked quietly. "Because, I just had my period a
couple of weeks ago, and I've had no symptoms."
Dr. Mizuno smiled at me blankly, confused by my behavior. "Well,
yes, I'm very sure. These tests are ninety-nine percent accurate. You
won't have any signs, yet. Usagi, are you okay?"
I felt a weak smile tug at my lips. I was pregnant. But... but
what if I lost this one, too? I didn't think I could handle another
loss, so close to the other one. "Mizuno-san, is it safe for me to be
pregnant after my miscarriage?"
"Perfectly safe. You had no complications from it, and it's been
nearly six months. I don't see any reason for you to have problems with
this pregnancy. Usagi, women have miscarriages and then go on to have
two, three or more children," explained Dr. Mizuno in a soothing,
understanding voice.
Mamo-chan wrapped his arms around me and squeezed tightly. I felt
a rush of joy flood my mind and heart as I squealed with delight. In
the mist of all the excitement, I jump up to be in Mamo-chan's arms...
completely forgetting my sprained ankle. I squeaked in pain and nearly
fell to the floor.
"Oh dear," Dr. Mizuno laughed, propping my foot up. "I had nearly
forgotten about that."
Even as happy as I appeared, a darkness lurked in my heart,
telling me I was doomed to miscarry again. And all my children would
die at my hands. I shut my eyes tight and blocked out the voice. I
wouldn't allow my mind to do this any longer. I had to have control
over my life, now seemed a good as time to start as any.
It would hurt to let go of the past, I knew. But was the past
worth living in and forgetting my future? Was this baby my sign from
God that it was time to let go and move on? Hard times would break you
or make you stronger.
I was determined to be stronger.
--End Chapter 11.
That's that for this chapter, go read the epilogue!! ^_^ There's better
author's notes at the bottom of it :)