Chapter 6- Reminiscing and Memories
The first few hours of the night were restless and I tossed and turned upon the ground. The dreams were disturbing and gave me thoughts of things I forgot long ago. They screamed and yelled at me. The dreams told of past events.
As I lay with my eyes open staring up into the moon, thinking of today and of course, Keith. My mind replayed a song I once dedicated to him (which I regret):
Dear Lie
You suck
You said you could fix anything
Instead I'm fucked
You made things even worse for me
If I had walls
I'd tell you get away from me
Guess I'm not smart
I let you un-nerve me
I let you control me
Afraid the truth would hurt me
When it's you that hurts me more
Get out of mouth
Get out of my head
Get out of my mind
Stop putting words in my head
Get out of my life
Tears began to trickle from the ends of my eyes along with the words sung. It reminded me of all the pain that teased at my fragile glass like heart.
"I love you." It all seemed to play continuously. All the things he said then the remembrance of him breaking it to me. The, "I think we should break up. I want to see other people." Repeated non-stop in my head. It was amazing that after all this time it still affected me.
In the middle of my thoughts a face appeared over me saying, "Are you asleep?"
I shuttered and sat straight up as if seeing a ghost. I look behind me and see Keith bent on his knees staring at me with a grin across his face.
I look shyly down and whisper, "Yes I am. I guess it's pretty obvious now."
He giggles light hearted and speaks, "Yep, it is. Couldn't sleep?"
I smile wondering how he read my mind and answer, "Yep. You too? I have too much on my mind."
He looked at me quite puzzled and sat a little too close for comfort, "What's bugging you so bad?"
I twiddle my fingers and stare down at my palms, "Eh, just something. No need to worry."
I can feel his stare burning down at me and he gets closer to say, "Look at me Sarah and tell me. Can't you just accept all this? Start over."
I search for the right words and finally respond overly upset, "You make it sound so easy! It's not Keith! With how much pain you put on me." I didn't want to be so harsh but I couldn't hold it back.
He moves a bit away and crosses his arms protesting, "Argh Sarah! Why do you have to be so complicated! Can't you just get over it all?"
I look with angry straight into his eyes and quietly in an maddened filled tone saying, "I loved you Keith! I LOVED you! You teared my life and me apart. You destroyed everything about me. Do you have any clue how much I cried, how much you hurt me? No one can describe how much everything you did impacted me. You killed my soul and till this day you still haunt me. And you're telling me just to get over it? You have no clue how I feel!" My voice decreases as I finish the sentence and I turn my eyes back on him, which by now I can only see sympathy.
He looks downcast and fails to stare me in the eyes as he speaks, "I'm sorry Sarah. I don't know how to make it up to you. Can't you just trust me? You didn't think I was hurting either. I never got over you. A year later I was still jealous of you. Remember at homecoming your ninth grade year? I don't know why but I wanted to tear that Kyle guy apart. It bruised me seeing you with him. It used to be me. I never admitted it but you hurt me just as much."
I felt a little bad but past memories made me react opposite of how I feel, "You were hurt?!? YOU! You were so hurt that you dated girl after girl and treated me like crap. Explain why you did all that Keith?!"
He looks bedazzled and lost for the choice of words. He finally stumbled out with, "Look, I was fucking thirteen! I didn't know how to react or what to do. It's the only reaction I could figure to do. God!"
I become aggravated by his words and begin to speak, "I see you are still an asshole." I cross my arms pouting.
He smiles for some odd reason and whispers, "And I see you're still so cute when your mad."
I look over stunned and speak annoyed, "How dare-"
Yet before I can speak, I feel wet warm lips pressed against mine. The world melts around me before I can react. From my head to toes, it slowly tenses up and I feel the soft slip of a tongue into my mouth. I start to press into, banging at his tongue. But as soon as that starts reality kicks in. My eyes spring open and I push him away remembering the memory of New Year's Eve.
He doesn't seem to want to stop and I yell ripping him from me extremely pissed. I look into his passion filled eyes but only return a devil look. He grins but my mind yells in return of his sweet kiss, "How dare you kiss me! I'm not in eight grade anymore Keith! You can't just kiss me and expect everything to go away!"
I stood quickly as he tried to talk and sauntered off into the cloak of the night. I turned looking back on his face. In my mind I thought, Why do I still love you?
The first few hours of the night were restless and I tossed and turned upon the ground. The dreams were disturbing and gave me thoughts of things I forgot long ago. They screamed and yelled at me. The dreams told of past events.
As I lay with my eyes open staring up into the moon, thinking of today and of course, Keith. My mind replayed a song I once dedicated to him (which I regret):
Dear Lie
You suck
You said you could fix anything
Instead I'm fucked
You made things even worse for me
If I had walls
I'd tell you get away from me
Guess I'm not smart
I let you un-nerve me
I let you control me
Afraid the truth would hurt me
When it's you that hurts me more
Get out of mouth
Get out of my head
Get out of my mind
Stop putting words in my head
Get out of my life
Tears began to trickle from the ends of my eyes along with the words sung. It reminded me of all the pain that teased at my fragile glass like heart.
"I love you." It all seemed to play continuously. All the things he said then the remembrance of him breaking it to me. The, "I think we should break up. I want to see other people." Repeated non-stop in my head. It was amazing that after all this time it still affected me.
In the middle of my thoughts a face appeared over me saying, "Are you asleep?"
I shuttered and sat straight up as if seeing a ghost. I look behind me and see Keith bent on his knees staring at me with a grin across his face.
I look shyly down and whisper, "Yes I am. I guess it's pretty obvious now."
He giggles light hearted and speaks, "Yep, it is. Couldn't sleep?"
I smile wondering how he read my mind and answer, "Yep. You too? I have too much on my mind."
He looked at me quite puzzled and sat a little too close for comfort, "What's bugging you so bad?"
I twiddle my fingers and stare down at my palms, "Eh, just something. No need to worry."
I can feel his stare burning down at me and he gets closer to say, "Look at me Sarah and tell me. Can't you just accept all this? Start over."
I search for the right words and finally respond overly upset, "You make it sound so easy! It's not Keith! With how much pain you put on me." I didn't want to be so harsh but I couldn't hold it back.
He moves a bit away and crosses his arms protesting, "Argh Sarah! Why do you have to be so complicated! Can't you just get over it all?"
I look with angry straight into his eyes and quietly in an maddened filled tone saying, "I loved you Keith! I LOVED you! You teared my life and me apart. You destroyed everything about me. Do you have any clue how much I cried, how much you hurt me? No one can describe how much everything you did impacted me. You killed my soul and till this day you still haunt me. And you're telling me just to get over it? You have no clue how I feel!" My voice decreases as I finish the sentence and I turn my eyes back on him, which by now I can only see sympathy.
He looks downcast and fails to stare me in the eyes as he speaks, "I'm sorry Sarah. I don't know how to make it up to you. Can't you just trust me? You didn't think I was hurting either. I never got over you. A year later I was still jealous of you. Remember at homecoming your ninth grade year? I don't know why but I wanted to tear that Kyle guy apart. It bruised me seeing you with him. It used to be me. I never admitted it but you hurt me just as much."
I felt a little bad but past memories made me react opposite of how I feel, "You were hurt?!? YOU! You were so hurt that you dated girl after girl and treated me like crap. Explain why you did all that Keith?!"
He looks bedazzled and lost for the choice of words. He finally stumbled out with, "Look, I was fucking thirteen! I didn't know how to react or what to do. It's the only reaction I could figure to do. God!"
I become aggravated by his words and begin to speak, "I see you are still an asshole." I cross my arms pouting.
He smiles for some odd reason and whispers, "And I see you're still so cute when your mad."
I look over stunned and speak annoyed, "How dare-"
Yet before I can speak, I feel wet warm lips pressed against mine. The world melts around me before I can react. From my head to toes, it slowly tenses up and I feel the soft slip of a tongue into my mouth. I start to press into, banging at his tongue. But as soon as that starts reality kicks in. My eyes spring open and I push him away remembering the memory of New Year's Eve.
He doesn't seem to want to stop and I yell ripping him from me extremely pissed. I look into his passion filled eyes but only return a devil look. He grins but my mind yells in return of his sweet kiss, "How dare you kiss me! I'm not in eight grade anymore Keith! You can't just kiss me and expect everything to go away!"
I stood quickly as he tried to talk and sauntered off into the cloak of the night. I turned looking back on his face. In my mind I thought, Why do I still love you?