Hey there kids! It's you old buddies at Soiled Robe Productions here once
again to be sadisticly spooky and nauseating! We love making you ppl
squirm, so we've now brought you the complete version of what promises to
be our sickest fic yet! Well, it's time for our various disclaimers.. This
will take up a few lines since we rip off so much. We do not own or are
affiliated with Dragonball Z, Dragonball Z's characters, Grand Union (Stop
N Shop), Cocoa Puffs, Kool Aid, Windex, Jiffy peanut butter spread, The
Andy Griffith Show, Don Knots, Porky Pig or any Looney Toons, the book Lord
of the Flies, the Bill of Rights, the Pope, Peewee Herman, Lucky Charms,
Count Chocula or it's character Frankenberry, Gatorade, Life Savers, Sports
Center, ESPN, John Madden, Marvin Gaye, George Michael, Malaysia, Shake 'n
Bake, Burger King, Toys R' Us, Mattel, Irwin, Capcom, Nintendo, Disney,
Sony, Conan O'Brian, ACE Hardware, Anarchy Online/Funcom, K-Mart, Walmart,
or Jay and Bob's Secret Stash.. Now on with the show.
One day at Capsule Corp. Vegeta was just sitting down with a drink about to watch the football game. "Ha! I do so love this 'football,'" he said as the quarterback got sacked, "But look at those pitiful hits! Why if I were there right now I'd show those weaklings a thing about-"
Interrupting Vegeta's monologue screamed Bulma, "VEGETA!! I need you to go shopping! Now!"
"Blast you woman!" Vegeta replied in his haughty voice, "Can't you see I'm watching 'the game'!? You wanted me to be more socially acceptable, and I have heard Humans do this! Now fuck off!"
"What was that WORD!? How many times must I tell you not to curse in front of our already desensitized son!" she yelled as Trunks look up at her confused.
"Mommy what does fuck mean?" said the 5 year old innocently.
"Great, Vegeta! You accomplished the task of fouling our 5 year old's mouth!" Bulma said even angrier.
Trunks looked smiling at his father instead, "Daddy, what the fucking fucky does fuck mean?"
Vegeta smiled maliciously, "Well, son, you see when a man gets inebriated at a party and finds a sexy woman-"
Bulma's veins on her head bulged, "GOD HAVE FUCKING MERCY VEGETA! JUST GET YOUR ASS TO THE STORE AND BUY SOME FOOD!"
"Well! Excuse me, Ms. Uptight! I'll go shopping as soon as you learn to relax! Geeez! Take a pill, woman!" Vegeta said as he blasted through the roof and flew off to the market.
Within a few seconds of high speed flight, Vegeta had made it to the food store. Glancing scornfully at the people around him, Vegeta made his way through the crowd, until he heard a semi-familiar voice behind him, "Hey there, sir! Spare some change?" Vegeta spun around to face the beggar, and found Krillin in a tattered gi.
"Hey Vegeta! Fancy seeing you here, mondo cool buddy!" said the homeless bald man.
Vegeta was gasping "K-K-Krillin? What the hell are you doing here and a hobo none the less?"
Krillin began explaining, "Well, ya' know, ever since the Cell Games I've been a bit down on my luck. I lost my wife and all my money because I had to pay off the U.S. government because I soiled the original Bill of Rights on a trip to the capitol."
Vegeta even more confused "Soiled it with what?!"
"Well, I'll just refer to it as formula PeeWee Hermanium." Krillin said after a long, uncomfortable silence. "So anyway, to repay that little incident, I had to rent out my testicles to the Pope's pet lemur! See, the funny part was that the lemur had elphantitus, so basically, we switched balls, and now I have the grotesque elephantine nuts! ..ya know it's a wonder with the ladies and gents." He continued as he put his arm around Vegeta "In fact, if you'd like a gander... But anyway, I know you'll help me outta this rough spot, right, mondo buddy?"
Vegeta yelled as he grabbed Krillin by his shirt front "You little fucking sicko! It's no wonder your wife left you!" With that Vegeta threw Krillin down the street and into a tractor trailer filled with a family of endangered pandas on their way to the zoo.
From inside his hole in the zoo truck, Krillin mumbled, "It's no wonder you've got no friends..."
After a moment of thought and a solemn look on his face Vegeta moved on into the store. "What is the meaning of this! No food carrying devices? Ah! There's one now!" He said as he saw Krillin pushing a cart with his crutches. "You! Baldy! Give me your food trucking cart!" He said as he sifted through the bottles and cartons emptying it out. He pulled out a carton labeled Soy Milk, "What is this 'Soy Milk'? What makes it so special?! I demand to know!"
"Well," said the enfeebled man, "I'll be frank, the real milk could KILL me!"
"Fine!" yelled Vegeta, "You be 'Frank' and drink your WUSS milk, and I will be the almighty Saiyan Prince kicking your ASS!!" Vegeta said as he doused Krillin with whole milk and tossed him through the window.
"Wait!" he yelled as he flew out the store window, "I need that medication TOOO LIIVVVVE!!!!"
"And that's that," he smirked as he dusted off his hands, "Now to go shopping!" then he laughed maniacally and grabbed the cart. Everyone in the store looked at him cock-eyed. "WHAT? DO YOU ALL WANT ONE WAY TRIPS TO THE OTHER WORLD, TOO?!" with that said, they went about their business or left in a panic.
Chap. 2
Strolling down the aisles, Vegeta tried to remember what the boy and woman ate. "I do remember," he muttered, "Trunks eating something out of a colorful box with a bird on it raving that he's cookoo, or something, for co..coa. nuffs. Crazy earth people." He stopped as an announcement appeared from the loud speaker "GRAND UNION.. RADIO! CEREALS: AISLE FOUR. INCLUDING LUCKY CHARMS AND COCOA PUFFS."
"So," He said aloud, "the bird's sanctuary is in the aisle four. well, perhaps he will get a visitor and then when he doesn't expect it, his sugar coated doom will be upon him!" After a brief walk, Vegeta made it to the 4th aisle without injuring another person.
Then he spotted the box, "There you are, you illusive raving bird! Now you will meet your match!" With that he grabbed the box! But stopped when he heard a rattling from the box. "What is this? This is bird seed! So. I see. the bitch has been feeding my son, a PRINCE, bird seed! He is not some irregular bird child! OH! She WILL hear of this!"
He replaced the box and moved on, "Ah, what's this? Count Chocula? He seems to have some nobility. He is a count. I like his style! But that menace Frankenberry had better watch his back!" As he returned to walking he saw nothing that looked sufficient, so he kept going. Then something caught his eye.
"I do remember the boy drinking a blue drink, something called Kool's Aid. I shall find this 'Kool' and ask for his aid in this matter!" Looking around for the blue drink, he spotted a bottle marked Windex. "Well, Windex looks somewhat like the Kool's Aid. It is blue.. Meh.. what's the difference. And it does have Win in it's name, perhaps it is a performance enhancer!" He said as he placed his one item in the cart.
Strolling further Vegeta kept thinking of what he needed to buy. He would never here of the end of it if he only came back with an imitation of Kool's Aid. "This looks interesting," he said as he lifted a jar of Jiffy, "What is this Jiffy?" with that he looked at it inquisitively, and turned it over to where it said 'peanut butter', "BLAST YOU! What is the purpose of combining butter and peanuts! Butter serves no purpose other than toast, waffles, and spreading on the woman while she's naked! This must be another trick by Grand's Union's spy, the raving, cookoo bird!" he said as he squeezed the jar and the contents shot out.
After a rather disastrous trip to the deli and then the bakery in which he stole the attendant's hat, he returned to the checkout counter, "You! At the 'ringing' contraption!" he yelled at the cashier, "I am done! I wish to leave!"
The cashier looked up at him sarcastically having not seen Vegeta"s previous display, "Well, great, why don't you get in line."
Vegeta smirked at him, "Obviously," he said as he lifted up the cashier, "You didn't understand! I said that I was done and wish to leave! Now I will have my items rung up!"
The little 16 year old gasped, "Y-Y-Yes. sir.. It would be m-my hon- honor.." he said as he took Vegeta's 7 items out of the cart: The windex, Count Chocula, the bakers hat, a squash because he liked it shape, three grapes, tampons, and doilies. The boy then gave the items to the bagger, who began placing them in a bag.
Vegeta scowled at the "thief", "What the hell do you think that your doing stealing my goods!? Listen here! You must be another spy for the cookoo bird! Well, my son may be cookoo for cocoa's nuffs, but I am cookoo for kicking bitch ass!" he bellowed at the frightened bag boy.
Then the cashier spoke up, "Uh, sir. That comes to $15.24."
"Well," Vegeta said "Isn't that nice for you!"
Looking confused the cashier said, "Okay. Have a nice day. And by the way," he said looking at Vegeta's Saiyan battle armor, " I like you outfit, sir."
Vegeta scowled at the insolent fool, "I will have you know that this is an authentic Saiyan battle fatigue and chest plate! NOW THAT IS THE LAST STRAW! FIRST YOU TRY TO TRICK ME WITH PRODUCTS THEN TRY TO STEAL THEM BACK! AND NOW! NOW YOU DARE MOCK A SAIYAN WARRIOR PRINCE! NOW YOU MUST PAY!" he said as he powered up to Super Saiyan 1. After the yellow energy had been crackling around him for a moment, he extended his hands in either direction and area blasted most of the store.
Next he powered down and walked to the semi-charred rack of cassette tapes. He picked up two miscellaneous tapes and then picked up the bloody, burnt cashier, "And, my friend, I am taking these." He said over-threateningly. Then, he picked up his bag which was on fire a little bit, dropped the tapes in, blasted a hole in the roof, and flew off.
About a quarter of the way home, he decided to take his time, and slowed down. After all, he couldn't be missing anything important. That is of course unless he felt like training now. But he had already done that before he started watching football.
Since the Cell Games, he had really upped his training. Now, whenever he trained in the gravity room by himself, he trained in 700 times gravity normally. And once he got tired, he would go down to 400 times gravity, but before going back up to 700 he would do 10,000 push ups and sit ups at that level. It was intense, but even now, he was wondering about what one thousand times gravity would be like..
Looking up, he saw the Capsule Corp. building just a few hundred yards away. Not interesting to him, he decided to speed up a bit in another direction and after a moment he saw that he was near Kami's look out. What the hell, he thought. He turned upward at the last minute and zoomed skyward. Seeing Korin's place up a little higher he slowed down until he got there and then landed. Since the Cell Games Vegtea had also become much less sensitive about Senzu beans and now used them in his training. The way he saw it, it was now just another way to get more powerful. He had promised himself, though, that if a battle came around he would not willfully use them. That was not a warrior's way of recovering. When Piccolo was around, the Namek often made the comparison to the beans and the Saiyan regen tanks, as well as the time he had Krillin nearly kill him and then have Dende heal him, back on Namek.
Looking around for Korin or perhaps Yajirobe, Vegeta spoke up, "Korin! Are you here? It's me! I've run out of Senzu beans!"
Then, a voice came from behind him, "Is that you? ..Vegeta?"
Turning around, Vegeta came to face a boy of 16, scrawny, but still muscular, and having spiky black hair. The boy's raspy voice sounded slightly familiar, "Go.. Han.? Is that really you?"
Gohan smiled, "Yup! Hi Vegeta! I haven't seen you in.. like 2 years! Wow! Has it really been that long?"
"Yes," Vegeta said, semi-smiling, "It has been awhile. So, how's your mother doing? Got her hands full with Goten?"
Gohan started to leave, "Yeah, I guess. Anyway, I have to be leaving. I need to help make dinner."
Vegeta raised a sarcastic eyebrow, "So, your mother's got you whipped and doing her work for her? Tsk, tsk. If Kakarott could see you now." Turning away, he flew up towards the lookout. Perhaps if he was lucky, Piccolo would pick another fight with him.
Chap 3.
"Oh! And look who finally decided to show up with the groceries!" bellowed Bulma as Vegeta walked in the door at 7:30 slightly scuffed up. "It would seem that a certain someone had a bit of fun on his seven hour trip! Just where have you been today? Hmm? I have a starving five year old boy here, in case you forgot!"
Vegeta looked up and scowled, "Oh, shut up already! Even if it took me 17 hours I still got the food! Second, that boy is perfectly fine!" he said as he motioned to Trunks flying around the ceiling in the next room at break- neck speed. "And I also must tell you that after the ammount of trifling I went through today, I do not appreciate coming home to be yelled upon by you!"
"Now," he said as he stepped into the kitchen and placed the bag on the counter, "There are your groceries!"
Bulma looked into the charred bag. Then after a moment, "Honestly, Vegeta. You are impossible! I tell you to go out and get groceries and you come home with miscellany! I appreciate you remembering my time of the month and bringing home tampons, but. Doilies? A squash?"
Vegeta pointed to the squash, "Hey! I happen to like that squash's style! I mean, just look at it!" he said with more giddiness than his son had shown on Christmas. "It is called a squash. But it clearly is not! It does that to lure you into a false sense of security, I'd wager! It's tricky like me. Funny thing though. Very quiet. Didn't say a word the whole flight home."
Bulma sighed, "Hun.. A squash is not a living thing. It's a vegetable. It isn't capable of speech, much less thought, and much, much less deception. Anyway, since you cannot shop, I'm ordering out. Trunks sweety!" she yelled into the den. "Daddy is a failure so mommy is ordering out. What would you like to have for dinner? As if I didn't already know.."
Trunks ran into the kitchen smiling and jumping up and down, "Chicky parmy! Chicky parmy! That's what I want for dinner! What about you daddy?" he said as he climbed up his dad's back.
Vegeta smiled and looked at his son's eyes, "Well, same as you Trunks! Chicken parmagean is one of the only things that could keep me on this planet if Frieza hadn't blown up my home. I'll tell you about that someday.." Ever since Bulma had taken Vegeta and Trunks out to an Italian restaurant last year, that was almost all that they ate. Vegeta would never admit that he liked a food because of mere taste. According to him such things were not of a warrior's concern. His excuse was that it was a "moderately priced dish that represented four of the major food groups".
Bulma couldn't help but grin as she looked at her husband and son smiling and laughing together. She could have never pictured Vegeta this way in a million years. She'd also thought he would treat Trunks like a recruit in the royal army as soon as he was old enough to walk. But to her amazement it was more than the opposite. Vegeta was a totally different person around Trunks. He never yelled at him directly. He hardly ever applied a punishment. He always used positive reinforcement no matter what. She guessed it was because Vegeta had never really gotten to know his father and he grew up in a family of prestige where fun was basically irrelevant. He must not want the same for Trunks. He also knew that if another evil came, that his days might very well be numbered.
Chap. 4
Vegeta narrowly dodged a blast that had been deflected, and then launched his own more powerful back at it, destroying it and slightly charring the walls of his gravity chamber. He sprang up into the air and began to execute a series of high speed punches and kicks. Then exhausted, he suddenly collapsed to the floor face down. As he lay there breathing heavily, Vegeta felt something jab his chest. Wincing in pain, he reached inside his armor and found that it was the cassette tapes he had stolen earlier in his inside pocket.
"Ah, yes." he muttered sitting up, "I had forgotten about these things. I should have left them in the bag. Ow. Let's see what they are." Vegeta stood up and walked with some effort to the grav machine's controls. As he reduced the gravity to normal, he turned off the red light and flicked the switch for a normal light. His eyes adjusted to the new brightness, he read the first tape's title. It was called "The Art of Making New Friends" by Dr. Demetri Goyle. That's a queer thing, Vegeta thought silently. He proceeded to look at the next tape, which was even stranger. It's title was "Lose Your Evil Saiyan Lisp in 30 Days".
"Wha-WHAT?!" Vegeta stuttered skocked, "That's.. not quite right.. Ah.. Okay.." After he was done with his bepuzzlement, he was about to place in the first tape, when the holographic vid-screen popped up with Bulma's head on it. "Vegeta, it's time to- Hey, what are you doing? Whatever. Anyway the food just came." In the backround Trunks was eating fast as lightning, all the while raving about the chicken parmagean.
Vegeta hid the tapes behind his back like a child concealing a bad report card, "Uh.. Okay.. Honey.." He smiled nervously, "I'll be down stairs.. in a flash." He let out a sigh as the view screen blipped out of vision. Phew, he thought, that was kind of uncomfortable.
After dinner, Vegeta snuck away to one of the out door gravity chambers to listen to his new contraband. As an extra precaution, he had snagged a pair of head phones to take with him. He knew it was more than a little paranoid seeing as the walls of the chamber were 8 inches thick and soundproof, but he wasn't taking any risks. He quickly dashed across the lawn and opened the door to the bubble-like gravity chamber. He wondered as he stepped in, why all of these chambers had tape decks and CD players. Maybe it's because SRP has lazy ass writers!!! But he let that thought pass.
Vegeta plugged in his head phones to the jack and slipped in the tape and hit the play button. Personally, he couldn't believe that he was actually denying his Saiyan heritage just to please Bulma. Hmph, he thought, the things that I do for that woman. Right before the tape started, he turned it off. "Hmmmmm, should I go through with this, Alec and Mike?" SRP boys
"Well," Mike said as Alec whooped out a camcorder, "I kind of like your accent, but we do need to follow the plot line and the title. so yes, do it!"
Alec focused the camera on Vegeta, "And could you do me a favor? Just throw this on over your armor." He said as he handed Vegeta a Gatorade t-shirt.
Vegeta held it up in front of himself disgusted with a bewildered look imprinted on his face, "I most certainly will not!"
Alec then held up the camcorder and hit record, then spoke a voice reminiscent of a commercial, "You see, kids! Vegeta, the co-star of Dragonball Z, loves Gatorade!!! Isn't that right, Veggie, old buddy?!"
Vegeta's bewilderment turned quickly to anger, "You two are the worst fanfic writers ever! I'm not putting on this ridiculous shirt!"
After a long pause Alec improvised, "That's right, kids! Because it's not what's on ya', it's what's in ya'! Drink Gatorade!"
Vegeta sighed exasperated, "Alright, that's enough. I'm going to kill you now."
Alec looks at Mike worried and whispers, "Mike! Do something!!!!"
Mike gets an idea and reaches into his pocket to find Life-Savers, "Uh. Vegeta! Would care for a delicious mint? Yum YUM! Mints!" he said as he popped one in his mouth.
"Well," Vegeta said stepping toward him, "A mint would be just the thing to tame my breath."
Alec whispered to Mike, "B! Next time we should do a spot for Life Savers!"
Mike then reached into his pocket to grab his spectacular Double Mint Life Savers, and what did it say on the wrapper? Only $.25! What a bargain! But anyway, out with the mints fell a small card, which Vegeta bent over and picked up.
"What's this?" he said as he read it and Mike looked on terrified. "National Cookoo Bird Lovers Society??? Is this an ID card of some sort?" Mike shook his head 'no'. "Then why exactly does it have a picture of you dressed in a brown bird suit?"
Mike looked like he would die from shock, "Aaaah!!! Here, Vegeta, my good old pal! You can have all of my Life-Savers, just because I like ya'!" he blurted out hesitantly as he forked the package of candies over to the confused prince.
Vegeta looked at him strangely, but then grinned and took the half-a- package, "I will take these mints without hesitation!" As Vegeta went to take one of the mints, he felt something fuzzy stuck to the pack. Holding it up to the red lighting of the gravity chamber, he discovered that it was indeed a brown feather
"So." Vegeta said looking angered yet calm, "You are in cahoots with the raving cookoo bird and his minions of Grand's Union. Is this a true fact, as I have just stated it?"
Mike tried to keep his cool, but it was to no avail, "Uh.. No! I mean. Y- Yes! Wait.. Is this a trick question? So! I got it! The answer is NO! Yes, that's the ticket! No, I'm most certainly not."
Exasperated, and in tradition with cheesy anime, Alec fell straight back onto the floor with his legs sticking straight up in the air.
Vegeta cocked one eyebrow, "I see. You aren't.. well, my mistake. I guess I was wrong. Then it's a pity that I'm about to kill you for no reason!!!" he yelled as he stuck both his hands out in front of him and charged a Final Flash attack.
Alec freaked out and grabbed Mike by the arm, "NO! QUICK, MIKE! I'VE GOT THE CAMCORDER AND THE FILM! GRAB THE MONEY! SAVE THE LOOT! LET'S GOOO!" he yelled as he grabbed his camera and ran for the window, with Mike close behind carrying a briefcase with a Gatorade logo on it.
"FINAL FLASH!" Vegeta screamed just as Alec and Mike jumped out the window and ran to a waiting limo.
Chap. 5 (cut to the set of Sports Center, with John Madden and Piccolo)
Madden: Welcome back to Bad Fanfic Center right here on ESPN. Tonight's guest is a long time Z-Warrior. I'd like to welcome, former king of the underworld, Piccolo. Hello Piccolo and welcome to the show.
Piccolo: (not pleased to be there, with arms crossed) Hi.. John.
Madden: Well, Piccolo. So far, what do you think of tonight's fanfic?
Piccolo: (gradually growing more accustomed and comfortable) Hmph. I can tell you, John, that as of now it really just sucks.
Madden: Interesting.. Interesting.. And, also, what do you think of the writers and idealists behind this?
Piccolo: (stroking his chin) Oh, Alec and Mike? Yeah, well, there nice guys. Some of there work is nice. They're very creative... But..
Madden: (looking curious) Oooh.. Do I sense some deeper emotion? Perhaps a little bit of hostility even?
Piccolo: Well, you know, it's like I said. They are good guys.. Creative.. But they're also a pair of raving sadistic lunatics. And I like them. but it's gonna be a shame for me to have to, uh, well, beat the living hell out of them for putting me in this fucked up little fan fiction of theirs. Sick kids, John.
Madden: (understandingly) I see. Oh! And what about Alec and Mike putting themselves in this story? The whole 2 page Gatorade add scenario. Did that work for you?
Piccolo: NOW I TELL YOU, JOHN, THAT JUST DIDN'T MAKE A LICK OF SENSE!
Madden: We'll be right back. And after the break, Interviews! First, with Tien and Krillin: What are they? And why are they such losers? Then sexy bitch, Bulma: What's she been up to? What's it like being married to Vegeta? Are those breasts real? And how does she feel about how Alec fantasizes about her while he slowly pleasures him self and rubs scented oils on his body by candle light. All next, on Bad Fanfic Center.
Chap. 6
Bulma's head flickered into existence on the view screen inside of the gravity room, "Vegeta?"
Vegeta turned around with a start quickly pulling the headphones off his ears. He had been listening to the tapes for the fourth time that week, "What is it, woman!? Can you not see that I am busy training?" This remark seemed a bit out of place seeing as he was not wearing his armor or bodysuit, but rather yellow slacks and his pink Badman shirt.
Vegeta's "mate" took notice of this, but said nothing. She only cocked one eyebrow suspiciously, "Alright.. Relax. I just wanted to remind you about the party later so that you'd have time to shower, shave, get dressed and help me get Trunks ready." Finding only a typical what-the-hell- are-you-talking-about look coming from Vegeta she sighed, "Remember! Earth to Veggie! I told you that I invited Yamcha, Puar, Tien, Chaozu, Piccolo, Gohan, ChiChi, Oolong, Ox King, Krillin, and, unfortunately Master Roshi.. Fucking pervert.."
Vegeta shuddered at the mention of the old coot, "If he touches you I'll do the same to him as I did to the bald monk-like one last week!" Then he chuckled to himself softly in remembrance of the scuffle at the foodatorium as he called it.
Bulma looked at him strangely, "Oh.. Well, I really don't want to know what malice occurred between you and Krillin, do I?" She took his still devilish grin as a definite yes. "Alright. Just come in and get ready." Her face then disappeared.
Phew, Vegeta thought to himself, that was a close call. But on the bright side, this party will be the perfect opportunity to test what I have learned from these recordings.
Vegeta placed his headphones in a cabinet and walked to the door of the gravity room.
Chap. 7
The party was in full swing by the time Vegeta had actually finished getting ready. After he had gotten dressed he stood in front of the full lenth mirror practicing his new accent and distinctly American ways of moving.
'Well, it's now or never,' he thought. And so Vegeta walked into the party reborn as a 'human'.
ELSEWHERE, ANOTHER CRAZY MISADVENTURE WAS ABOUT TO OCCUR.. The cell phone rang and Goku answered it. If you ask why he has a cell phone, I'll come to your house and slit your throat while you are dreaming, then throw your ragged, bloodied corpse into the river!
Anyway. "Hello?" said Goku.
On the other end he heard the familiar old voice of Grandma Baba, "Oh, greetings, young Goku! I have favor to ask of you!"
"Oh, sure, Baba! Whatever you need." replied Goku.
"Oh.. I was hoping.. You'd say that..." she replied as she breathed heavily. For the next five minutes all Goku heard was her ever-provocative panting coming from the earpiece.
Finally Goku snapped out of his trance with a puzzled look upon his face, "Uh.. Baba? What is it.. That you needed?"
"Ah.. Yes.. I was hoping you could bring me over some of your meat." She replied and made licking noises.
Goku was only more confused by this, "Huh? Well, what kind of meat do you want... I have a bunch of cold cuts.."
She laughed lowly and replied, "No, no, no.. I need your sweet, man- made, marinading MEAT! The one in your.. Pants!!!"
Goku practically died (no pun intended) laughing, "Hahahaha! Meat in my pants! Why on Earth would anyone put meat in their pants!? You're a nut!"
Exasperated she said, "JUST COME OVER WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON! And bring a fine lubricant."
"Wait a second.. What kind of meat do you wa.." He started, but she had already hung up.
About a half hour later Goku was standing at Baba's front door. Noticing that it was open a crack, he decided to walk inside. "Hey Baba! Are you here?! It's me, Goku!" He walked in farther and then she spook. "Oh. I was wondering when you'd get here. Come on in! I'm in the bedroom.." Her voice sounded slightly.. seductive. As Goku neared the bedroom he noticed it was dimly lit, and Marvin Gaye's soothing music could be heard. So he went inside..
"Hello there, Goku. I hope that you remembered to bring your delicious meat." She said as she laid on the bed covered in rose petals, wearing nothing but a bath robe.
"Actually," he said looking disappointed in himself, "I couldn't find any meat. But I did find this filthy copy of Lord of the Flies in the street on my way over!" he said as he held up a tattered book.
"Oh well.. You know Goku Son, I've always had my eye on you and your meat... I bet it is deeelicious! Yum.. And now that you've savored the moment... Get a look at my goods!" with that she sprung up and opened her bath robe!
Goku's jaw dropped and he immediately lost his goofy expression... and proceeded to projectile vomit on her nightstand. By sheer chance some of it hit her infamous crystal ball, and electricity began to fly from it. Some of it shocked him and.. He blacked out. Then to Baba's surprise, his body disappeared.
Chap. 8
So far Vegeta's new personality had gone widely accepted among everyone he had spoken to. And just speaking to anyone at a party was a big step up for him. Right now he was speaking to Yamcha.
"So, Yamcha. How is the professional baseball business treating you?" he said with his obvious covering up of his Saiyin accent. "You know, the NY Mets are my favorite squadron. What team are you on?"
Yamcha looked nervous at this question, "Well, I play for the.. Uh.. South.. Daygowap.. Yamchanators! Yep. We're third in our division."
Vegeta looked at him quizically, "Strange.. I have not ever heard of the Yamchanators.. Or South Daygowap.. Where is it?
"Well," Yamcha said sweating, "It is just south of.. North Greesyginnee. But! You can be sure of one thing! I AM a pro baseball player, and I certainly don't steal children from the park, lock them in my basement, and make them play baseball naked and write bad fanfics! Yup" Then Yamcha's gaze turned to a young Korean kid walking down the road, "I have to go.. I need to do some. baseball.. Korean. kid. yeah. Nice talkin' to ya' Veggie." Then he lurked into the shadows.
Finally he was alone to contemplate, 'Well, this seems to be going rather well,' Vegeta thought. 'But these child-snatching oddities are strange. I'm not sure if I want friends like that molestor Yamcha.. I think I'll go guard Trunks..'
Walking through the crowd, Vegeta noticed all the people from his past on Earth, and a few new ones. No one was missing.. Except for the most obvious.. Kaka.. Go.ku.. Finally, he spotted Trunks standing near his mother. Finding a chair nearby, he sat down to keep watch. While Vegeta was looking away, Krillin walked up beind Trunks and started rubbing his shoulders as he grinned.
"So, Trunksy-boy." Krillin began. "Wanna go for a nice romantic dip in my wet pool?"
Trunks looked up at him quizically, "Huh? Romantic? Since when do you have pool Kril- I mean "Big Uncy K-Spice"? the child said as he remembered Krillin's previous instructions to call him by a special name.. But only when they were alone.
"Ah, that's a long story," the rapist began, "It all started long ago in a magical land called the George Michael tours East Malaysia '58.." Krillin then cut in his mind to a flash back of him in a meadow dancing with a horse under a traffic light suspended from a tree. Then the horse put on a monicle and was heard to quote in a strange British accent, "I do say, Blueberry, let me see your cock!"
Krillin blushed, "Well, it is my first time with a rambunxious steed of your high caliber..."
"Oh, come on, you old whippersnapper. I want to see that leathery whip of yours SNAP!... IN MY ASS!" the steed commented as he licked his chops and neighed.
Cutting back to reality.. "And that's how a saved planet Yardat from Cell, Freeza, both Androids, and the entire Ginyu Force.. Without even breaking a sweat and replaced Goku as the guardian of the Earth and then directed, wrote, and starred in the blockbuster movie Titanic. Good story, huh Trunks? Trunks?" to Krillin's great chagrin, the boy was gone. Then he felt a sharp tap on his shoulder, and turned around to see Trunks holding the hand of a cop.
"That's him!" Trunks said, "He's the pony lover!"
"Alright," the cop said seizing Krillin, "You're comin' with me, 'K- Spice'!"
"Where?" Krillin asked pleadingly.
The cop grinned at his squirming, "To a place where you'll never touch a little boy again.. EVER! JAIL."
Krillin tried to hold back his smiling, "Oh.. But there'll be lots of grown homosexual men, right?"
The police officer who was ready with his cuffs chuckled, "In jail? There's more gays than a highway rest stop!"
"Oh, and will you be joining me?"
"What? I'm a police officer! And a straight police officer at that, freak!"
Krillin grinned 'seductively', "Oh.. Role-playing is your game, aye? Kinky.. Well, I guess you caught me and'll have to take me away, 'officer'" he said in a low voice as he put out his hands more willingly than a Californian to an anal gay gangbang!
The cop hit Krillin across the face with his nightstick with massive force, then slapped the handcuffs on him strongly and threw him into his cruiser. "Oh, I see your into bondage.." Krillin said as he passed out.
Chap. 9
Everyone was having a great time wining and dining and dancing at the party. With the exceptions of the missing Yamcha, and the currently incarcerated Krillin. Then Bulma emerged from the house, and Mike and Alec poked up from under one of the table cloths. "Here it comes, Mike! Here it comes!" Alec said anxiously as he whooped out the infamous camcorder.
"Everyone! Can I have your attention for a moment!" Bulma announced, stepping onto a podium. "Well, it's the moment you've all been waiting for.. The unvailing!" Alec breathed heavily and pressed record as he waited.
"The unvailing.. Of... ME!" the sexy vixen said as she tore off all of her clothes, leaving her bare and susceptible to Alec's touch.. Yeah.. That's it.. Oh.. Hell yeah.. I want it now... OH SORRY! I was splooging for a sec there.. Anyway...
Master Roshi gasped for air as he fell back: the result of 17 concurrent heart attacks. He died a very, very, very, extremely, awesomely happy man.
As Alec neared going platinum, Mike interrupted with his goofy antics, "Hey, why on Earth would she do that?"
Alec groaned, "Uhhhhmmmgg.. Shut up!.. you're. ruining. the magic!"
Unfortunately for all, this moment was halted by a flash of light. And this time it wasn't the flash on Alec's camera! Suddenly, for reasons unkown to the party, Goku appeared from nowhere. He gazed in Bulma's direction, "Hey, Bulma. You've got some nice melons," he said entranced, "But I sure would love a nibble of your delicious peach! I bet it is sweet as honey!"
The hypnotized Goku walked blindly towards the naked woman. "Wow, Bulma! Yep.sweet. firm.. Young. tangible." Everyone gasped or giggled, and veins on Vegeta's forehead strained as he attempted to hold back his anger.
Bulma stared at him in horror as Goku walked up to her, and then past her to the fruit on the catering table. Needless to say say, in cheesy anime tradition, everyone sweat-dropped. And Vegeta gave out a sigh of relief, since he wouldn't have to kill Kakarott in front of all of these people.
Suddenly Mirai Trunks' time machine appeared and he hopped out bruised, battered, and a bit worse for the wear. Bulma quickly closed her robe. Then Alec's crush, Big T spoke, "Guys! I need help. I have to warn you... It'll be the end of both our dimensions if we don't .."
Goku swallowed his 97 shishkabobs and replied, "SUUUURRE, TRUNKS...SHUT THE FUCK UP.. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID LAST TIME! AND WE'RE ALL STILL ALIVE!" then after a moment of people staring at Goku's halo, "Alright. Well, I died. but not in the way THIS loser said!" Several guests muttered in agreement.
Trunks was in a state of disbelief, "BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE SHEAR POWER OF.."
Zipping up his pants Alec sprung up from the table and threw Trunks into the time machine! ..A few seconds later it exploded and the crowd cheered with approval.
"Hey! Wait a second," Vegeta yelled, "Alec and Mike!? You! I never did get a chance to kill you!"
Mike had seen this coming and had arranged for a helicopter to pick them up. The dynamic duo climbed the rope ladder and threw wave after wave of coupons upon the frightened guests, "BUY SHAKE 'N BAKE!" they screamed as they flew away. Unfortunately the wind from the helicopter's rotors blew coupons at top speed into Oolong.. The pig flew across the yard and into the side of the Capsule Corp. The crowd rushed forward to see a pile of coupons with a hand sticking out.
Then, Krillin rushed forward with a child's toy stethoscope, "Back away everyone! I'm a doctor with a PhD in sexual healing! I need to operate on his body! Naked and alone!" Then a real doctor came forward and shot Krillin in the shin. The doctor took the hand that was protruding from the pile and took a pulse.
The doctor frowned, "He's dead.. That's the eighth Shake n' Bake related death at Capsule Corp. this week. DAMN YOU SHAKE N' BAKE! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!" Then the doctor walked away whistling the theme to the Andy Griffith Show, just as a mysteriously familiar man in a police outfit parachuted in.
"Holy crap!" said Vegeta, "That's fucking Don Knots from The Andy Griffith Show!"
"That's right!" said Don Knots, "And now.. Th-the-the-th-the that's all, folks!" Just as the red ribbon circles were closing around him Babidi came from behind Vegeta and draped his arm around the Prince.
"Hey, Vegeta!" the drunk, swamp-like creature said as he grabbed a beer, "Pretty nice party ya' got goin' on. Reminds me of back in--- AAARGG!!" suddenly an animorphous blobbish creature burst from the magician's chest and began to take shape. Everyone gasped as they saw the monster's final form... It was. PORKY PIG!
After a long uncomfortable pause, the cartoon spoke, "Th-T-Th-That's r-right, bi-bitch! P-Porky' b-back, and better than ever! And I-II'm here to put a stop to this cop-co-cop-copyright infringement!" as he spoke he loaded a twelve gauge shotgun. "T-T-T-Tell Sa-S-Sata-S.. The devil I said hello, Knots!"
Don Knots didn't have time to react as half his body was blown away with buckshot and somehow he was cast into the Dead Zone. If you ask me how, I will slaughter your miniature poodles!!!.. if ya' have them. Then, in a cartoonish display of all irregularity, Porky reached off screen and pulled in the thought-to-have-escaped dynamic duo! You know 'em! You love 'em! Or you hate them. er.. They have polluted this fic with strangeness. the dynamic duo... Batman and Robin!
"N-n-now," the swine said glaring at the dark knight and his hot. I mean faggy sidekick, "W-w-where I-in the f-f-f-fu... hell are Mike and Alec!?"
Just as curly-tailed villain finished his stuttering sentence, the real dynamic duo tunneled up through the ground. And I don't mean the Green Hornet and the Flash, goddammit!!!! I mean Alec and Mike! The people you hate!!!
"So, Porky-orky. I heard that you wanted us?" Alec said, holding a sack of Whoppers and a miner's hat on his head.
Porky swiftly turned his maniacal gaze from the tights-wearing-gay boys to the other gay boys, "I've gotta b-b-bone to pick with you! I have b- b-been sent here on behalf of all the people you are infringing upon! So far in this miserable piece of literature, you have.."
The pig was cut off as Piccolo popped up, "Miserable? Yup. I'll second that motion!"
In an uncharacteristic fit of rage, Mike stormed up to green-boy and grabbed him by his cape, "Shut up you fuckin' green queerball! Why don't you haul yourself back into the backround of all those pictures where you are always leering behind all of the other charcters! We've noticed it! Always in the pictures of the Super Saiyans, we find you looming and leering over them in the backround and probably staring at Gohan's ass and planning on raping him with Recoome! What are ya' gonna do? Recoome-Boom him in his underaged ass?! Ya' like boys size twangers, don't ya'?!?"
Insert comically long silence ...
Piccolo sweatdropped and couldn't think of a better idea so, "Makankosappo!" A huge spiral like beam shot right past Mike's face and into oncoming traffic down the street! "Oh shit!" Piccolo said under his breath. "Recoome!" the green oddity yelled. "Get the goods; our covers been blown!" As everyone gawked at the Namek, Recoome smashed through Trunks' window holding teddy bear under pants and pictures of the purple haired wonder. Trunks cried as the duo "Recoome Boomed" away. Running past a dumpster, Piccolo spotted the unattended Bat-mobile. As they raced away, a half dressed Batman stumbled from behind the dumpster holding an naked, unconscious Robin. "No!" pleaded Batman. "Alfred's gonna rape me again! Last time I came home late with a scratch on the fender, he took me to see Godzilla 2000! No..no!" the dark knight sobbed as he knelt to the floor. "Ah heh heh heh. It's ok big guy!" Krillin said as he walked over to the crying Bat. "Just hush, and let Big Uncy K-Spice handle everything. as well as your Bat-stick." Krillin and Batman stood up and walked away.
"A-a-a-anyway.! Alec and M-mike!" Porky said pointing his gun, "I am s-s-sick and tired of y-you two running off of the p-plot line! N-now the people d-d-demand that you get back to V-Ve-Veg-V-Ve.. The saiyan Prince!"
"That's it? That's all you wanted? You came here and murdered millions just to say that?" Alec said in disbelief as he climbed from the hole. "Geez, Porkster... If that was all you wanted. Ugh.. That kind of wasn't necessary.... at all..."
Then Mike jumped forward.... AGAIN! "Hey! You thieving cahorter! Murdering a million is MY job! And I do it with pizzazz!!!" Mike snapped his fingers and a fat trucker pulled up in a pickup that said Porkchop Express on it. He got out and threw a burlap sack at Mike's feet, and drove away.
Mike untied the sack to reveal a battered and bruised, tied up King Kold gagged with a tennis ball. He mumbled incoherently and Mike loosened the gag. "MMMMM..... Michael, I knew you'd want me back.... You can't resist my leaky treats, as you call them....mmmm...."
Mike let him out of the sack and whispered, "Later...." and flicked his tongue at him, "But first, do to Porky, what you did to Bob Sagget!"
Kold put on a purple robe and grabbed a glass of wine. On the back of the robe it read "CHIX WITH DIX". Kold advanced toward Porky in a seductive matter with a cahorting grin on his face. "C'mere piggy.... I wanna see why they call you porky...."
Witnessing this, and realizing that his doom would be slow, arduous anal pain and bleeding, Porky turned the acclaimed shotgun on himself, and that was all, folks.
"God damnit...." Kold moaned as he swiveled his wine glass, "lost another pig to suicide.... Come on, scuzz-bucket, let's go to Fred's house." he continued as he left with Mike.
Alec got out of his hole, "Yeah, and I lost another friend to Kold's critically acclaimed leaky treats... Hey, Goku," he said taking out his camcorder and a sack of Whoppers, "How would you feel about selling out and eating some Whoppers from Burger King on camera?"
"WOULD I EVER!!!" Goku screamed as he dove at the sack and went down on them like Alec on a rooster.... And by rooster, I don't mean an animal.... Who's into bestiality...hehehe.... NOT ME!!! QUEER!!!
Alec started recording, "Look at him go, kids! Your hero loves those beefy goods from BK! And after you're done at Burger King, make your moms take you to Toys 'R Us and buy you some fine Mattel, Irwin, Capcom, Nintendo, Sony, and Disney toys and games!"
Goku layed back on the lawn moderately satiated, "Oh, man... that was better than screwing Conan O'Brian.... Oh, I gotta do something." Big G, proceeded to get up on the stage that happens to be there and got a microphone from a miscellaneous hand.
"Hey... listen, everybody..." he began, "I'd like to dedicate this party to a great guy... Vegeta! Yeah, we've been through good and bad... Especially BAD, though!"
"Oh, God.... No, no, nonnonononono!!" Vegeta panicked, "Don't let him do this.... No!!!"
Goku continued, "Yeah, a lot of you probably didn't know Vegeta 12 or 13 years ago.... or maybe it was last week, I DUNNO! BUT HE WAS CRAZY! HOOOOLLYYY SHIT, VEGETA! REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU AND NAPPA CAME TO EARTH?! YEAH! YOU KILLED A FEW HUNDRED CIVILIANS AND THREE OF MY BEST FRIENDS, THEN YOU WERE GOING TO KILL MY SON AND ENDED UP SLAUGHTERING PICCOLO?!!? YEAH! THEN WE WENT TO NAMEK, AND YOU GOT KILLED, SO I WAS MOTIVATED TO FIGHT FRIEZA AND ENDED UP LOSING TWO YEARS OF QUALITY TIME WITH MY FAMILY, BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO WEAK TO FIGHT YOUR OWN BATTLE!!! AND YOU WERE STILL MEAN TO ME!! YEAH, YOU'RE A BIG FUCKING LOSER AND A MEAN SONOVABITCH! .....Do you know how many times I cried to myself at night, just wondering WHY? Wondering why the only other man I love hated me?"
-Insert crowd "Awwwww....."ing-
Crowd complaints- "Yeah, you really suck you bastard!" "Eat shit and die, monkey!" "My dad was in that city!!!" "That's disgusting!" "I can't believe you!" "I just met you and already I want to dance on your grave!" "You're on the top of my crumb list now!"
I am Vegeta's mental breakdown.......
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
"Hehehe!!! Try to catch me, Trunks!" giggled Goten as he ran through the yard..... and into Vegeta's line of sight.
"Mini Kakarott!" he screamed as he grabbed the dearly departed Mirai Trunks' sword. He rushed Goten, and the child didn't have time to react as Vegeta sliced his left arm clean off. As the youth's innocent gore splattered on his face, the Saiyan's blood lust grew. He thrust the blade inside of Goku's second born and tore it out at a sideways angle as to rip out his entrails. Just as Goten's eyes went blank and sweet death was gripping his veins, the prince incinerated him with energy, leaving his young corspe charred and smoking on the freshly mowed lawn.
Trunks began weeping as he clutched his mother, and the last of the crowd was fleeing. Goku stood on the stage engulfed with fury.
The gentle savior gritted his teeth as tears rolled down his cheeks, "Isn't there any hope for you!?!! You HEARTLESS BASTARD! AFTER ALL WE'VE DONE FOR YOU! YOU DESERVE TO BURN IN HELL FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"
"Ka..... me...."
Vegeta merely stood awaiting his impending death, reflecting on everything that had lead up to this moment.
"Ha.... PREPARE TO DIE, VEGETA! I'm so sorry it had to end this way...."
Vegeta dropped to his knees and nodded, accepting fate as it manifested itself.
"Me....."
BLIP
Goku was gone. Vegeta was to live. Vegeta passed out and his weeping wife ran forward.
Elsewhere.... Goku appeared from where he'd left from.
"Oh, Goku!" Baba said at his abrupt appearance, "I fixed the ball! Now, I can get down to YOUR balls!"
Still filled with primal rage and eager to kill something.... anything, he released his wrath on Grandma Baba, effectively destroying a great deal of the Other World civilization.
7 Months later..... at a Mexican farm
Vegeta sat listlessly eating the dandelions in his field, wearing overalls and a straw hat. After the incident, Vegeta was deemed mentally unstable by every country except for Mexico, so Bulma thought a farm would be good "Happy Time". She skipped out to him giddily.
"Hi, Vegeta baby, you're up early this morning," she said as she kissed him on the cheek and put some packets on his lap. "Those are some seeds. I thought they might be better to eat than dandelions."
Vegeta grinned at the seeds dumbly, reading the name's of the plants outloud to himself, "Tom...ate..toes... Tomatoes.... Pot.... ate... those.... Potatoes..... Potatoes...... Car...rot..... C... Ca.... Carrot.... Ka.... Carrot...... Ka...carrotto.... KAKAROTTO!!!!!!"
Back to the BadFanfic Center set..... With Alec, Mike, and Friendly Mr. Pic.
Alec: Hi, folks, and welcome back to BadFanfic Center. In the house tonight with me, I have my fellow cahorter, Mike. And of course, the ever vigilant Piccolo.
Piccolo bound to chair and unconcious: Unnnnghhhhh....
Alec: Mike, get the jabbing pole.
Mike gets long pole with searing hot needle on the end and prods Piccolo, who then awakens.
Mike and Alec look at each other and nod. Then Mike prods the now conscious Piccolo another 7 times to satisfy his own sadistic pleasures.
Alec: Hello Piccolo, what's happening. I'm glad you decided to join us this evening.
Piccolo: groan DECIDED!?! YOU DRUGGED ME AT THE END OF THE PARTY AND TOOK ME TO A REMOTE LOCATION! I don't even know if it's evening... or morning.. or afternoon..... ah! Up is down, left is right, black is white, flaccid is erect! IT'S ANARCHY!!!!
Alec: Alright! Shut up you stupid leper! Get 'em Mike!
Mike pokes Piccolo with an Honest Bob's multi-needled, gyrating castration rod with dual prostate milkers. High quality and available at ACE hardware, K-Mart, and Wal-Mart, as well as Jay and Bob's Secret Stash.
Piccolo: Ungh! Do it again, Recoome! I mean, STOP!
Alec: So.... What did you think of this terrible fanfic? The Goten dramatic gorey death scene, to be specific...?
Piccolo: I'm still in dire need of antacids! You sick bastards! I rape boys, and that fic makes me vomit like Mike! I used to be the fucking devil! comical projectile vomiting from Mike and Pic
Alec: Yeah, well, that about wraps up our fanfic.... we slaved in my basement for months..... Here's a small list of what actaully went on in the making
1. Mike whipped me 2. I licked the caps lock light 3. At least five inside jokes were formed 4. Mike masturbated with a green St. Patrick's day horn, while I goosestepped 5. I begged Mike to "just touch it a little" 6. Mike gave me the cold shoulder 7. Kold gave us both the cold penis 8. We learned the technique from King Kai, which basically involves him raving while he snorted coke off of his picnic table. 9. We made many references to "Clerks" 10. We pissed out of my sliding glass door, becuase we're too damned lazy to get the 100+ cans of coke out of out systems using the bathroom that is "all the way" upstairs. 11. Discussed the French tickler..... I know... it sounds obscene and it is.
Alec: And now we're going to post this and go upstairs to watch my video from the Frieza saga where Vegeta says, "Kakarott, you dog...." and that is actually the only reason I spent 15 creds of my hard stolen money. I belive Mike has something to add.....
Mike: Yeah, and by the way Darryl, Goten is rotting in hell and getting gang raped by the Ginyu Force....
Alec: Even Jeice?
Mike: Oh, yeah. Especially Jeice.... Like you wouldn't believe!
THE END
Ah, can it be the end already.. Nope!!!! YOU MOTHER FUCKERS STILL HAVE 2 SEQUELS COMING AT YOU IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS!!! YA LIKE THAT SHIT YA FUCKIN QUEER??? GOT GUYS GOIN' DOWN ON ME LIKE CIRCUS SEALS!!! Please remember to review this fan fiction, flames are not only welcome, not only encouraged, but if you don't write one. Oh, boy, your whereabouts will be unknown for the next 3-5.. J/K, you ain't gotta flame if ya don't wanna. Just remember, though... UNKNOOOOOOOWN!!!
One day at Capsule Corp. Vegeta was just sitting down with a drink about to watch the football game. "Ha! I do so love this 'football,'" he said as the quarterback got sacked, "But look at those pitiful hits! Why if I were there right now I'd show those weaklings a thing about-"
Interrupting Vegeta's monologue screamed Bulma, "VEGETA!! I need you to go shopping! Now!"
"Blast you woman!" Vegeta replied in his haughty voice, "Can't you see I'm watching 'the game'!? You wanted me to be more socially acceptable, and I have heard Humans do this! Now fuck off!"
"What was that WORD!? How many times must I tell you not to curse in front of our already desensitized son!" she yelled as Trunks look up at her confused.
"Mommy what does fuck mean?" said the 5 year old innocently.
"Great, Vegeta! You accomplished the task of fouling our 5 year old's mouth!" Bulma said even angrier.
Trunks looked smiling at his father instead, "Daddy, what the fucking fucky does fuck mean?"
Vegeta smiled maliciously, "Well, son, you see when a man gets inebriated at a party and finds a sexy woman-"
Bulma's veins on her head bulged, "GOD HAVE FUCKING MERCY VEGETA! JUST GET YOUR ASS TO THE STORE AND BUY SOME FOOD!"
"Well! Excuse me, Ms. Uptight! I'll go shopping as soon as you learn to relax! Geeez! Take a pill, woman!" Vegeta said as he blasted through the roof and flew off to the market.
Within a few seconds of high speed flight, Vegeta had made it to the food store. Glancing scornfully at the people around him, Vegeta made his way through the crowd, until he heard a semi-familiar voice behind him, "Hey there, sir! Spare some change?" Vegeta spun around to face the beggar, and found Krillin in a tattered gi.
"Hey Vegeta! Fancy seeing you here, mondo cool buddy!" said the homeless bald man.
Vegeta was gasping "K-K-Krillin? What the hell are you doing here and a hobo none the less?"
Krillin began explaining, "Well, ya' know, ever since the Cell Games I've been a bit down on my luck. I lost my wife and all my money because I had to pay off the U.S. government because I soiled the original Bill of Rights on a trip to the capitol."
Vegeta even more confused "Soiled it with what?!"
"Well, I'll just refer to it as formula PeeWee Hermanium." Krillin said after a long, uncomfortable silence. "So anyway, to repay that little incident, I had to rent out my testicles to the Pope's pet lemur! See, the funny part was that the lemur had elphantitus, so basically, we switched balls, and now I have the grotesque elephantine nuts! ..ya know it's a wonder with the ladies and gents." He continued as he put his arm around Vegeta "In fact, if you'd like a gander... But anyway, I know you'll help me outta this rough spot, right, mondo buddy?"
Vegeta yelled as he grabbed Krillin by his shirt front "You little fucking sicko! It's no wonder your wife left you!" With that Vegeta threw Krillin down the street and into a tractor trailer filled with a family of endangered pandas on their way to the zoo.
From inside his hole in the zoo truck, Krillin mumbled, "It's no wonder you've got no friends..."
After a moment of thought and a solemn look on his face Vegeta moved on into the store. "What is the meaning of this! No food carrying devices? Ah! There's one now!" He said as he saw Krillin pushing a cart with his crutches. "You! Baldy! Give me your food trucking cart!" He said as he sifted through the bottles and cartons emptying it out. He pulled out a carton labeled Soy Milk, "What is this 'Soy Milk'? What makes it so special?! I demand to know!"
"Well," said the enfeebled man, "I'll be frank, the real milk could KILL me!"
"Fine!" yelled Vegeta, "You be 'Frank' and drink your WUSS milk, and I will be the almighty Saiyan Prince kicking your ASS!!" Vegeta said as he doused Krillin with whole milk and tossed him through the window.
"Wait!" he yelled as he flew out the store window, "I need that medication TOOO LIIVVVVE!!!!"
"And that's that," he smirked as he dusted off his hands, "Now to go shopping!" then he laughed maniacally and grabbed the cart. Everyone in the store looked at him cock-eyed. "WHAT? DO YOU ALL WANT ONE WAY TRIPS TO THE OTHER WORLD, TOO?!" with that said, they went about their business or left in a panic.
Chap. 2
Strolling down the aisles, Vegeta tried to remember what the boy and woman ate. "I do remember," he muttered, "Trunks eating something out of a colorful box with a bird on it raving that he's cookoo, or something, for co..coa. nuffs. Crazy earth people." He stopped as an announcement appeared from the loud speaker "GRAND UNION.. RADIO! CEREALS: AISLE FOUR. INCLUDING LUCKY CHARMS AND COCOA PUFFS."
"So," He said aloud, "the bird's sanctuary is in the aisle four. well, perhaps he will get a visitor and then when he doesn't expect it, his sugar coated doom will be upon him!" After a brief walk, Vegeta made it to the 4th aisle without injuring another person.
Then he spotted the box, "There you are, you illusive raving bird! Now you will meet your match!" With that he grabbed the box! But stopped when he heard a rattling from the box. "What is this? This is bird seed! So. I see. the bitch has been feeding my son, a PRINCE, bird seed! He is not some irregular bird child! OH! She WILL hear of this!"
He replaced the box and moved on, "Ah, what's this? Count Chocula? He seems to have some nobility. He is a count. I like his style! But that menace Frankenberry had better watch his back!" As he returned to walking he saw nothing that looked sufficient, so he kept going. Then something caught his eye.
"I do remember the boy drinking a blue drink, something called Kool's Aid. I shall find this 'Kool' and ask for his aid in this matter!" Looking around for the blue drink, he spotted a bottle marked Windex. "Well, Windex looks somewhat like the Kool's Aid. It is blue.. Meh.. what's the difference. And it does have Win in it's name, perhaps it is a performance enhancer!" He said as he placed his one item in the cart.
Strolling further Vegeta kept thinking of what he needed to buy. He would never here of the end of it if he only came back with an imitation of Kool's Aid. "This looks interesting," he said as he lifted a jar of Jiffy, "What is this Jiffy?" with that he looked at it inquisitively, and turned it over to where it said 'peanut butter', "BLAST YOU! What is the purpose of combining butter and peanuts! Butter serves no purpose other than toast, waffles, and spreading on the woman while she's naked! This must be another trick by Grand's Union's spy, the raving, cookoo bird!" he said as he squeezed the jar and the contents shot out.
After a rather disastrous trip to the deli and then the bakery in which he stole the attendant's hat, he returned to the checkout counter, "You! At the 'ringing' contraption!" he yelled at the cashier, "I am done! I wish to leave!"
The cashier looked up at him sarcastically having not seen Vegeta"s previous display, "Well, great, why don't you get in line."
Vegeta smirked at him, "Obviously," he said as he lifted up the cashier, "You didn't understand! I said that I was done and wish to leave! Now I will have my items rung up!"
The little 16 year old gasped, "Y-Y-Yes. sir.. It would be m-my hon- honor.." he said as he took Vegeta's 7 items out of the cart: The windex, Count Chocula, the bakers hat, a squash because he liked it shape, three grapes, tampons, and doilies. The boy then gave the items to the bagger, who began placing them in a bag.
Vegeta scowled at the "thief", "What the hell do you think that your doing stealing my goods!? Listen here! You must be another spy for the cookoo bird! Well, my son may be cookoo for cocoa's nuffs, but I am cookoo for kicking bitch ass!" he bellowed at the frightened bag boy.
Then the cashier spoke up, "Uh, sir. That comes to $15.24."
"Well," Vegeta said "Isn't that nice for you!"
Looking confused the cashier said, "Okay. Have a nice day. And by the way," he said looking at Vegeta's Saiyan battle armor, " I like you outfit, sir."
Vegeta scowled at the insolent fool, "I will have you know that this is an authentic Saiyan battle fatigue and chest plate! NOW THAT IS THE LAST STRAW! FIRST YOU TRY TO TRICK ME WITH PRODUCTS THEN TRY TO STEAL THEM BACK! AND NOW! NOW YOU DARE MOCK A SAIYAN WARRIOR PRINCE! NOW YOU MUST PAY!" he said as he powered up to Super Saiyan 1. After the yellow energy had been crackling around him for a moment, he extended his hands in either direction and area blasted most of the store.
Next he powered down and walked to the semi-charred rack of cassette tapes. He picked up two miscellaneous tapes and then picked up the bloody, burnt cashier, "And, my friend, I am taking these." He said over-threateningly. Then, he picked up his bag which was on fire a little bit, dropped the tapes in, blasted a hole in the roof, and flew off.
About a quarter of the way home, he decided to take his time, and slowed down. After all, he couldn't be missing anything important. That is of course unless he felt like training now. But he had already done that before he started watching football.
Since the Cell Games, he had really upped his training. Now, whenever he trained in the gravity room by himself, he trained in 700 times gravity normally. And once he got tired, he would go down to 400 times gravity, but before going back up to 700 he would do 10,000 push ups and sit ups at that level. It was intense, but even now, he was wondering about what one thousand times gravity would be like..
Looking up, he saw the Capsule Corp. building just a few hundred yards away. Not interesting to him, he decided to speed up a bit in another direction and after a moment he saw that he was near Kami's look out. What the hell, he thought. He turned upward at the last minute and zoomed skyward. Seeing Korin's place up a little higher he slowed down until he got there and then landed. Since the Cell Games Vegtea had also become much less sensitive about Senzu beans and now used them in his training. The way he saw it, it was now just another way to get more powerful. He had promised himself, though, that if a battle came around he would not willfully use them. That was not a warrior's way of recovering. When Piccolo was around, the Namek often made the comparison to the beans and the Saiyan regen tanks, as well as the time he had Krillin nearly kill him and then have Dende heal him, back on Namek.
Looking around for Korin or perhaps Yajirobe, Vegeta spoke up, "Korin! Are you here? It's me! I've run out of Senzu beans!"
Then, a voice came from behind him, "Is that you? ..Vegeta?"
Turning around, Vegeta came to face a boy of 16, scrawny, but still muscular, and having spiky black hair. The boy's raspy voice sounded slightly familiar, "Go.. Han.? Is that really you?"
Gohan smiled, "Yup! Hi Vegeta! I haven't seen you in.. like 2 years! Wow! Has it really been that long?"
"Yes," Vegeta said, semi-smiling, "It has been awhile. So, how's your mother doing? Got her hands full with Goten?"
Gohan started to leave, "Yeah, I guess. Anyway, I have to be leaving. I need to help make dinner."
Vegeta raised a sarcastic eyebrow, "So, your mother's got you whipped and doing her work for her? Tsk, tsk. If Kakarott could see you now." Turning away, he flew up towards the lookout. Perhaps if he was lucky, Piccolo would pick another fight with him.
Chap 3.
"Oh! And look who finally decided to show up with the groceries!" bellowed Bulma as Vegeta walked in the door at 7:30 slightly scuffed up. "It would seem that a certain someone had a bit of fun on his seven hour trip! Just where have you been today? Hmm? I have a starving five year old boy here, in case you forgot!"
Vegeta looked up and scowled, "Oh, shut up already! Even if it took me 17 hours I still got the food! Second, that boy is perfectly fine!" he said as he motioned to Trunks flying around the ceiling in the next room at break- neck speed. "And I also must tell you that after the ammount of trifling I went through today, I do not appreciate coming home to be yelled upon by you!"
"Now," he said as he stepped into the kitchen and placed the bag on the counter, "There are your groceries!"
Bulma looked into the charred bag. Then after a moment, "Honestly, Vegeta. You are impossible! I tell you to go out and get groceries and you come home with miscellany! I appreciate you remembering my time of the month and bringing home tampons, but. Doilies? A squash?"
Vegeta pointed to the squash, "Hey! I happen to like that squash's style! I mean, just look at it!" he said with more giddiness than his son had shown on Christmas. "It is called a squash. But it clearly is not! It does that to lure you into a false sense of security, I'd wager! It's tricky like me. Funny thing though. Very quiet. Didn't say a word the whole flight home."
Bulma sighed, "Hun.. A squash is not a living thing. It's a vegetable. It isn't capable of speech, much less thought, and much, much less deception. Anyway, since you cannot shop, I'm ordering out. Trunks sweety!" she yelled into the den. "Daddy is a failure so mommy is ordering out. What would you like to have for dinner? As if I didn't already know.."
Trunks ran into the kitchen smiling and jumping up and down, "Chicky parmy! Chicky parmy! That's what I want for dinner! What about you daddy?" he said as he climbed up his dad's back.
Vegeta smiled and looked at his son's eyes, "Well, same as you Trunks! Chicken parmagean is one of the only things that could keep me on this planet if Frieza hadn't blown up my home. I'll tell you about that someday.." Ever since Bulma had taken Vegeta and Trunks out to an Italian restaurant last year, that was almost all that they ate. Vegeta would never admit that he liked a food because of mere taste. According to him such things were not of a warrior's concern. His excuse was that it was a "moderately priced dish that represented four of the major food groups".
Bulma couldn't help but grin as she looked at her husband and son smiling and laughing together. She could have never pictured Vegeta this way in a million years. She'd also thought he would treat Trunks like a recruit in the royal army as soon as he was old enough to walk. But to her amazement it was more than the opposite. Vegeta was a totally different person around Trunks. He never yelled at him directly. He hardly ever applied a punishment. He always used positive reinforcement no matter what. She guessed it was because Vegeta had never really gotten to know his father and he grew up in a family of prestige where fun was basically irrelevant. He must not want the same for Trunks. He also knew that if another evil came, that his days might very well be numbered.
Chap. 4
Vegeta narrowly dodged a blast that had been deflected, and then launched his own more powerful back at it, destroying it and slightly charring the walls of his gravity chamber. He sprang up into the air and began to execute a series of high speed punches and kicks. Then exhausted, he suddenly collapsed to the floor face down. As he lay there breathing heavily, Vegeta felt something jab his chest. Wincing in pain, he reached inside his armor and found that it was the cassette tapes he had stolen earlier in his inside pocket.
"Ah, yes." he muttered sitting up, "I had forgotten about these things. I should have left them in the bag. Ow. Let's see what they are." Vegeta stood up and walked with some effort to the grav machine's controls. As he reduced the gravity to normal, he turned off the red light and flicked the switch for a normal light. His eyes adjusted to the new brightness, he read the first tape's title. It was called "The Art of Making New Friends" by Dr. Demetri Goyle. That's a queer thing, Vegeta thought silently. He proceeded to look at the next tape, which was even stranger. It's title was "Lose Your Evil Saiyan Lisp in 30 Days".
"Wha-WHAT?!" Vegeta stuttered skocked, "That's.. not quite right.. Ah.. Okay.." After he was done with his bepuzzlement, he was about to place in the first tape, when the holographic vid-screen popped up with Bulma's head on it. "Vegeta, it's time to- Hey, what are you doing? Whatever. Anyway the food just came." In the backround Trunks was eating fast as lightning, all the while raving about the chicken parmagean.
Vegeta hid the tapes behind his back like a child concealing a bad report card, "Uh.. Okay.. Honey.." He smiled nervously, "I'll be down stairs.. in a flash." He let out a sigh as the view screen blipped out of vision. Phew, he thought, that was kind of uncomfortable.
After dinner, Vegeta snuck away to one of the out door gravity chambers to listen to his new contraband. As an extra precaution, he had snagged a pair of head phones to take with him. He knew it was more than a little paranoid seeing as the walls of the chamber were 8 inches thick and soundproof, but he wasn't taking any risks. He quickly dashed across the lawn and opened the door to the bubble-like gravity chamber. He wondered as he stepped in, why all of these chambers had tape decks and CD players. Maybe it's because SRP has lazy ass writers!!! But he let that thought pass.
Vegeta plugged in his head phones to the jack and slipped in the tape and hit the play button. Personally, he couldn't believe that he was actually denying his Saiyan heritage just to please Bulma. Hmph, he thought, the things that I do for that woman. Right before the tape started, he turned it off. "Hmmmmm, should I go through with this, Alec and Mike?" SRP boys
"Well," Mike said as Alec whooped out a camcorder, "I kind of like your accent, but we do need to follow the plot line and the title. so yes, do it!"
Alec focused the camera on Vegeta, "And could you do me a favor? Just throw this on over your armor." He said as he handed Vegeta a Gatorade t-shirt.
Vegeta held it up in front of himself disgusted with a bewildered look imprinted on his face, "I most certainly will not!"
Alec then held up the camcorder and hit record, then spoke a voice reminiscent of a commercial, "You see, kids! Vegeta, the co-star of Dragonball Z, loves Gatorade!!! Isn't that right, Veggie, old buddy?!"
Vegeta's bewilderment turned quickly to anger, "You two are the worst fanfic writers ever! I'm not putting on this ridiculous shirt!"
After a long pause Alec improvised, "That's right, kids! Because it's not what's on ya', it's what's in ya'! Drink Gatorade!"
Vegeta sighed exasperated, "Alright, that's enough. I'm going to kill you now."
Alec looks at Mike worried and whispers, "Mike! Do something!!!!"
Mike gets an idea and reaches into his pocket to find Life-Savers, "Uh. Vegeta! Would care for a delicious mint? Yum YUM! Mints!" he said as he popped one in his mouth.
"Well," Vegeta said stepping toward him, "A mint would be just the thing to tame my breath."
Alec whispered to Mike, "B! Next time we should do a spot for Life Savers!"
Mike then reached into his pocket to grab his spectacular Double Mint Life Savers, and what did it say on the wrapper? Only $.25! What a bargain! But anyway, out with the mints fell a small card, which Vegeta bent over and picked up.
"What's this?" he said as he read it and Mike looked on terrified. "National Cookoo Bird Lovers Society??? Is this an ID card of some sort?" Mike shook his head 'no'. "Then why exactly does it have a picture of you dressed in a brown bird suit?"
Mike looked like he would die from shock, "Aaaah!!! Here, Vegeta, my good old pal! You can have all of my Life-Savers, just because I like ya'!" he blurted out hesitantly as he forked the package of candies over to the confused prince.
Vegeta looked at him strangely, but then grinned and took the half-a- package, "I will take these mints without hesitation!" As Vegeta went to take one of the mints, he felt something fuzzy stuck to the pack. Holding it up to the red lighting of the gravity chamber, he discovered that it was indeed a brown feather
"So." Vegeta said looking angered yet calm, "You are in cahoots with the raving cookoo bird and his minions of Grand's Union. Is this a true fact, as I have just stated it?"
Mike tried to keep his cool, but it was to no avail, "Uh.. No! I mean. Y- Yes! Wait.. Is this a trick question? So! I got it! The answer is NO! Yes, that's the ticket! No, I'm most certainly not."
Exasperated, and in tradition with cheesy anime, Alec fell straight back onto the floor with his legs sticking straight up in the air.
Vegeta cocked one eyebrow, "I see. You aren't.. well, my mistake. I guess I was wrong. Then it's a pity that I'm about to kill you for no reason!!!" he yelled as he stuck both his hands out in front of him and charged a Final Flash attack.
Alec freaked out and grabbed Mike by the arm, "NO! QUICK, MIKE! I'VE GOT THE CAMCORDER AND THE FILM! GRAB THE MONEY! SAVE THE LOOT! LET'S GOOO!" he yelled as he grabbed his camera and ran for the window, with Mike close behind carrying a briefcase with a Gatorade logo on it.
"FINAL FLASH!" Vegeta screamed just as Alec and Mike jumped out the window and ran to a waiting limo.
Chap. 5 (cut to the set of Sports Center, with John Madden and Piccolo)
Madden: Welcome back to Bad Fanfic Center right here on ESPN. Tonight's guest is a long time Z-Warrior. I'd like to welcome, former king of the underworld, Piccolo. Hello Piccolo and welcome to the show.
Piccolo: (not pleased to be there, with arms crossed) Hi.. John.
Madden: Well, Piccolo. So far, what do you think of tonight's fanfic?
Piccolo: (gradually growing more accustomed and comfortable) Hmph. I can tell you, John, that as of now it really just sucks.
Madden: Interesting.. Interesting.. And, also, what do you think of the writers and idealists behind this?
Piccolo: (stroking his chin) Oh, Alec and Mike? Yeah, well, there nice guys. Some of there work is nice. They're very creative... But..
Madden: (looking curious) Oooh.. Do I sense some deeper emotion? Perhaps a little bit of hostility even?
Piccolo: Well, you know, it's like I said. They are good guys.. Creative.. But they're also a pair of raving sadistic lunatics. And I like them. but it's gonna be a shame for me to have to, uh, well, beat the living hell out of them for putting me in this fucked up little fan fiction of theirs. Sick kids, John.
Madden: (understandingly) I see. Oh! And what about Alec and Mike putting themselves in this story? The whole 2 page Gatorade add scenario. Did that work for you?
Piccolo: NOW I TELL YOU, JOHN, THAT JUST DIDN'T MAKE A LICK OF SENSE!
Madden: We'll be right back. And after the break, Interviews! First, with Tien and Krillin: What are they? And why are they such losers? Then sexy bitch, Bulma: What's she been up to? What's it like being married to Vegeta? Are those breasts real? And how does she feel about how Alec fantasizes about her while he slowly pleasures him self and rubs scented oils on his body by candle light. All next, on Bad Fanfic Center.
Chap. 6
Bulma's head flickered into existence on the view screen inside of the gravity room, "Vegeta?"
Vegeta turned around with a start quickly pulling the headphones off his ears. He had been listening to the tapes for the fourth time that week, "What is it, woman!? Can you not see that I am busy training?" This remark seemed a bit out of place seeing as he was not wearing his armor or bodysuit, but rather yellow slacks and his pink Badman shirt.
Vegeta's "mate" took notice of this, but said nothing. She only cocked one eyebrow suspiciously, "Alright.. Relax. I just wanted to remind you about the party later so that you'd have time to shower, shave, get dressed and help me get Trunks ready." Finding only a typical what-the-hell- are-you-talking-about look coming from Vegeta she sighed, "Remember! Earth to Veggie! I told you that I invited Yamcha, Puar, Tien, Chaozu, Piccolo, Gohan, ChiChi, Oolong, Ox King, Krillin, and, unfortunately Master Roshi.. Fucking pervert.."
Vegeta shuddered at the mention of the old coot, "If he touches you I'll do the same to him as I did to the bald monk-like one last week!" Then he chuckled to himself softly in remembrance of the scuffle at the foodatorium as he called it.
Bulma looked at him strangely, "Oh.. Well, I really don't want to know what malice occurred between you and Krillin, do I?" She took his still devilish grin as a definite yes. "Alright. Just come in and get ready." Her face then disappeared.
Phew, Vegeta thought to himself, that was a close call. But on the bright side, this party will be the perfect opportunity to test what I have learned from these recordings.
Vegeta placed his headphones in a cabinet and walked to the door of the gravity room.
Chap. 7
The party was in full swing by the time Vegeta had actually finished getting ready. After he had gotten dressed he stood in front of the full lenth mirror practicing his new accent and distinctly American ways of moving.
'Well, it's now or never,' he thought. And so Vegeta walked into the party reborn as a 'human'.
ELSEWHERE, ANOTHER CRAZY MISADVENTURE WAS ABOUT TO OCCUR.. The cell phone rang and Goku answered it. If you ask why he has a cell phone, I'll come to your house and slit your throat while you are dreaming, then throw your ragged, bloodied corpse into the river!
Anyway. "Hello?" said Goku.
On the other end he heard the familiar old voice of Grandma Baba, "Oh, greetings, young Goku! I have favor to ask of you!"
"Oh, sure, Baba! Whatever you need." replied Goku.
"Oh.. I was hoping.. You'd say that..." she replied as she breathed heavily. For the next five minutes all Goku heard was her ever-provocative panting coming from the earpiece.
Finally Goku snapped out of his trance with a puzzled look upon his face, "Uh.. Baba? What is it.. That you needed?"
"Ah.. Yes.. I was hoping you could bring me over some of your meat." She replied and made licking noises.
Goku was only more confused by this, "Huh? Well, what kind of meat do you want... I have a bunch of cold cuts.."
She laughed lowly and replied, "No, no, no.. I need your sweet, man- made, marinading MEAT! The one in your.. Pants!!!"
Goku practically died (no pun intended) laughing, "Hahahaha! Meat in my pants! Why on Earth would anyone put meat in their pants!? You're a nut!"
Exasperated she said, "JUST COME OVER WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON! And bring a fine lubricant."
"Wait a second.. What kind of meat do you wa.." He started, but she had already hung up.
About a half hour later Goku was standing at Baba's front door. Noticing that it was open a crack, he decided to walk inside. "Hey Baba! Are you here?! It's me, Goku!" He walked in farther and then she spook. "Oh. I was wondering when you'd get here. Come on in! I'm in the bedroom.." Her voice sounded slightly.. seductive. As Goku neared the bedroom he noticed it was dimly lit, and Marvin Gaye's soothing music could be heard. So he went inside..
"Hello there, Goku. I hope that you remembered to bring your delicious meat." She said as she laid on the bed covered in rose petals, wearing nothing but a bath robe.
"Actually," he said looking disappointed in himself, "I couldn't find any meat. But I did find this filthy copy of Lord of the Flies in the street on my way over!" he said as he held up a tattered book.
"Oh well.. You know Goku Son, I've always had my eye on you and your meat... I bet it is deeelicious! Yum.. And now that you've savored the moment... Get a look at my goods!" with that she sprung up and opened her bath robe!
Goku's jaw dropped and he immediately lost his goofy expression... and proceeded to projectile vomit on her nightstand. By sheer chance some of it hit her infamous crystal ball, and electricity began to fly from it. Some of it shocked him and.. He blacked out. Then to Baba's surprise, his body disappeared.
Chap. 8
So far Vegeta's new personality had gone widely accepted among everyone he had spoken to. And just speaking to anyone at a party was a big step up for him. Right now he was speaking to Yamcha.
"So, Yamcha. How is the professional baseball business treating you?" he said with his obvious covering up of his Saiyin accent. "You know, the NY Mets are my favorite squadron. What team are you on?"
Yamcha looked nervous at this question, "Well, I play for the.. Uh.. South.. Daygowap.. Yamchanators! Yep. We're third in our division."
Vegeta looked at him quizically, "Strange.. I have not ever heard of the Yamchanators.. Or South Daygowap.. Where is it?
"Well," Yamcha said sweating, "It is just south of.. North Greesyginnee. But! You can be sure of one thing! I AM a pro baseball player, and I certainly don't steal children from the park, lock them in my basement, and make them play baseball naked and write bad fanfics! Yup" Then Yamcha's gaze turned to a young Korean kid walking down the road, "I have to go.. I need to do some. baseball.. Korean. kid. yeah. Nice talkin' to ya' Veggie." Then he lurked into the shadows.
Finally he was alone to contemplate, 'Well, this seems to be going rather well,' Vegeta thought. 'But these child-snatching oddities are strange. I'm not sure if I want friends like that molestor Yamcha.. I think I'll go guard Trunks..'
Walking through the crowd, Vegeta noticed all the people from his past on Earth, and a few new ones. No one was missing.. Except for the most obvious.. Kaka.. Go.ku.. Finally, he spotted Trunks standing near his mother. Finding a chair nearby, he sat down to keep watch. While Vegeta was looking away, Krillin walked up beind Trunks and started rubbing his shoulders as he grinned.
"So, Trunksy-boy." Krillin began. "Wanna go for a nice romantic dip in my wet pool?"
Trunks looked up at him quizically, "Huh? Romantic? Since when do you have pool Kril- I mean "Big Uncy K-Spice"? the child said as he remembered Krillin's previous instructions to call him by a special name.. But only when they were alone.
"Ah, that's a long story," the rapist began, "It all started long ago in a magical land called the George Michael tours East Malaysia '58.." Krillin then cut in his mind to a flash back of him in a meadow dancing with a horse under a traffic light suspended from a tree. Then the horse put on a monicle and was heard to quote in a strange British accent, "I do say, Blueberry, let me see your cock!"
Krillin blushed, "Well, it is my first time with a rambunxious steed of your high caliber..."
"Oh, come on, you old whippersnapper. I want to see that leathery whip of yours SNAP!... IN MY ASS!" the steed commented as he licked his chops and neighed.
Cutting back to reality.. "And that's how a saved planet Yardat from Cell, Freeza, both Androids, and the entire Ginyu Force.. Without even breaking a sweat and replaced Goku as the guardian of the Earth and then directed, wrote, and starred in the blockbuster movie Titanic. Good story, huh Trunks? Trunks?" to Krillin's great chagrin, the boy was gone. Then he felt a sharp tap on his shoulder, and turned around to see Trunks holding the hand of a cop.
"That's him!" Trunks said, "He's the pony lover!"
"Alright," the cop said seizing Krillin, "You're comin' with me, 'K- Spice'!"
"Where?" Krillin asked pleadingly.
The cop grinned at his squirming, "To a place where you'll never touch a little boy again.. EVER! JAIL."
Krillin tried to hold back his smiling, "Oh.. But there'll be lots of grown homosexual men, right?"
The police officer who was ready with his cuffs chuckled, "In jail? There's more gays than a highway rest stop!"
"Oh, and will you be joining me?"
"What? I'm a police officer! And a straight police officer at that, freak!"
Krillin grinned 'seductively', "Oh.. Role-playing is your game, aye? Kinky.. Well, I guess you caught me and'll have to take me away, 'officer'" he said in a low voice as he put out his hands more willingly than a Californian to an anal gay gangbang!
The cop hit Krillin across the face with his nightstick with massive force, then slapped the handcuffs on him strongly and threw him into his cruiser. "Oh, I see your into bondage.." Krillin said as he passed out.
Chap. 9
Everyone was having a great time wining and dining and dancing at the party. With the exceptions of the missing Yamcha, and the currently incarcerated Krillin. Then Bulma emerged from the house, and Mike and Alec poked up from under one of the table cloths. "Here it comes, Mike! Here it comes!" Alec said anxiously as he whooped out the infamous camcorder.
"Everyone! Can I have your attention for a moment!" Bulma announced, stepping onto a podium. "Well, it's the moment you've all been waiting for.. The unvailing!" Alec breathed heavily and pressed record as he waited.
"The unvailing.. Of... ME!" the sexy vixen said as she tore off all of her clothes, leaving her bare and susceptible to Alec's touch.. Yeah.. That's it.. Oh.. Hell yeah.. I want it now... OH SORRY! I was splooging for a sec there.. Anyway...
Master Roshi gasped for air as he fell back: the result of 17 concurrent heart attacks. He died a very, very, very, extremely, awesomely happy man.
As Alec neared going platinum, Mike interrupted with his goofy antics, "Hey, why on Earth would she do that?"
Alec groaned, "Uhhhhmmmgg.. Shut up!.. you're. ruining. the magic!"
Unfortunately for all, this moment was halted by a flash of light. And this time it wasn't the flash on Alec's camera! Suddenly, for reasons unkown to the party, Goku appeared from nowhere. He gazed in Bulma's direction, "Hey, Bulma. You've got some nice melons," he said entranced, "But I sure would love a nibble of your delicious peach! I bet it is sweet as honey!"
The hypnotized Goku walked blindly towards the naked woman. "Wow, Bulma! Yep.sweet. firm.. Young. tangible." Everyone gasped or giggled, and veins on Vegeta's forehead strained as he attempted to hold back his anger.
Bulma stared at him in horror as Goku walked up to her, and then past her to the fruit on the catering table. Needless to say say, in cheesy anime tradition, everyone sweat-dropped. And Vegeta gave out a sigh of relief, since he wouldn't have to kill Kakarott in front of all of these people.
Suddenly Mirai Trunks' time machine appeared and he hopped out bruised, battered, and a bit worse for the wear. Bulma quickly closed her robe. Then Alec's crush, Big T spoke, "Guys! I need help. I have to warn you... It'll be the end of both our dimensions if we don't .."
Goku swallowed his 97 shishkabobs and replied, "SUUUURRE, TRUNKS...SHUT THE FUCK UP.. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID LAST TIME! AND WE'RE ALL STILL ALIVE!" then after a moment of people staring at Goku's halo, "Alright. Well, I died. but not in the way THIS loser said!" Several guests muttered in agreement.
Trunks was in a state of disbelief, "BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE SHEAR POWER OF.."
Zipping up his pants Alec sprung up from the table and threw Trunks into the time machine! ..A few seconds later it exploded and the crowd cheered with approval.
"Hey! Wait a second," Vegeta yelled, "Alec and Mike!? You! I never did get a chance to kill you!"
Mike had seen this coming and had arranged for a helicopter to pick them up. The dynamic duo climbed the rope ladder and threw wave after wave of coupons upon the frightened guests, "BUY SHAKE 'N BAKE!" they screamed as they flew away. Unfortunately the wind from the helicopter's rotors blew coupons at top speed into Oolong.. The pig flew across the yard and into the side of the Capsule Corp. The crowd rushed forward to see a pile of coupons with a hand sticking out.
Then, Krillin rushed forward with a child's toy stethoscope, "Back away everyone! I'm a doctor with a PhD in sexual healing! I need to operate on his body! Naked and alone!" Then a real doctor came forward and shot Krillin in the shin. The doctor took the hand that was protruding from the pile and took a pulse.
The doctor frowned, "He's dead.. That's the eighth Shake n' Bake related death at Capsule Corp. this week. DAMN YOU SHAKE N' BAKE! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!" Then the doctor walked away whistling the theme to the Andy Griffith Show, just as a mysteriously familiar man in a police outfit parachuted in.
"Holy crap!" said Vegeta, "That's fucking Don Knots from The Andy Griffith Show!"
"That's right!" said Don Knots, "And now.. Th-the-the-th-the that's all, folks!" Just as the red ribbon circles were closing around him Babidi came from behind Vegeta and draped his arm around the Prince.
"Hey, Vegeta!" the drunk, swamp-like creature said as he grabbed a beer, "Pretty nice party ya' got goin' on. Reminds me of back in--- AAARGG!!" suddenly an animorphous blobbish creature burst from the magician's chest and began to take shape. Everyone gasped as they saw the monster's final form... It was. PORKY PIG!
After a long uncomfortable pause, the cartoon spoke, "Th-T-Th-That's r-right, bi-bitch! P-Porky' b-back, and better than ever! And I-II'm here to put a stop to this cop-co-cop-copyright infringement!" as he spoke he loaded a twelve gauge shotgun. "T-T-T-Tell Sa-S-Sata-S.. The devil I said hello, Knots!"
Don Knots didn't have time to react as half his body was blown away with buckshot and somehow he was cast into the Dead Zone. If you ask me how, I will slaughter your miniature poodles!!!.. if ya' have them. Then, in a cartoonish display of all irregularity, Porky reached off screen and pulled in the thought-to-have-escaped dynamic duo! You know 'em! You love 'em! Or you hate them. er.. They have polluted this fic with strangeness. the dynamic duo... Batman and Robin!
"N-n-now," the swine said glaring at the dark knight and his hot. I mean faggy sidekick, "W-w-where I-in the f-f-f-fu... hell are Mike and Alec!?"
Just as curly-tailed villain finished his stuttering sentence, the real dynamic duo tunneled up through the ground. And I don't mean the Green Hornet and the Flash, goddammit!!!! I mean Alec and Mike! The people you hate!!!
"So, Porky-orky. I heard that you wanted us?" Alec said, holding a sack of Whoppers and a miner's hat on his head.
Porky swiftly turned his maniacal gaze from the tights-wearing-gay boys to the other gay boys, "I've gotta b-b-bone to pick with you! I have b- b-been sent here on behalf of all the people you are infringing upon! So far in this miserable piece of literature, you have.."
The pig was cut off as Piccolo popped up, "Miserable? Yup. I'll second that motion!"
In an uncharacteristic fit of rage, Mike stormed up to green-boy and grabbed him by his cape, "Shut up you fuckin' green queerball! Why don't you haul yourself back into the backround of all those pictures where you are always leering behind all of the other charcters! We've noticed it! Always in the pictures of the Super Saiyans, we find you looming and leering over them in the backround and probably staring at Gohan's ass and planning on raping him with Recoome! What are ya' gonna do? Recoome-Boom him in his underaged ass?! Ya' like boys size twangers, don't ya'?!?"
Insert comically long silence ...
Piccolo sweatdropped and couldn't think of a better idea so, "Makankosappo!" A huge spiral like beam shot right past Mike's face and into oncoming traffic down the street! "Oh shit!" Piccolo said under his breath. "Recoome!" the green oddity yelled. "Get the goods; our covers been blown!" As everyone gawked at the Namek, Recoome smashed through Trunks' window holding teddy bear under pants and pictures of the purple haired wonder. Trunks cried as the duo "Recoome Boomed" away. Running past a dumpster, Piccolo spotted the unattended Bat-mobile. As they raced away, a half dressed Batman stumbled from behind the dumpster holding an naked, unconscious Robin. "No!" pleaded Batman. "Alfred's gonna rape me again! Last time I came home late with a scratch on the fender, he took me to see Godzilla 2000! No..no!" the dark knight sobbed as he knelt to the floor. "Ah heh heh heh. It's ok big guy!" Krillin said as he walked over to the crying Bat. "Just hush, and let Big Uncy K-Spice handle everything. as well as your Bat-stick." Krillin and Batman stood up and walked away.
"A-a-a-anyway.! Alec and M-mike!" Porky said pointing his gun, "I am s-s-sick and tired of y-you two running off of the p-plot line! N-now the people d-d-demand that you get back to V-Ve-Veg-V-Ve.. The saiyan Prince!"
"That's it? That's all you wanted? You came here and murdered millions just to say that?" Alec said in disbelief as he climbed from the hole. "Geez, Porkster... If that was all you wanted. Ugh.. That kind of wasn't necessary.... at all..."
Then Mike jumped forward.... AGAIN! "Hey! You thieving cahorter! Murdering a million is MY job! And I do it with pizzazz!!!" Mike snapped his fingers and a fat trucker pulled up in a pickup that said Porkchop Express on it. He got out and threw a burlap sack at Mike's feet, and drove away.
Mike untied the sack to reveal a battered and bruised, tied up King Kold gagged with a tennis ball. He mumbled incoherently and Mike loosened the gag. "MMMMM..... Michael, I knew you'd want me back.... You can't resist my leaky treats, as you call them....mmmm...."
Mike let him out of the sack and whispered, "Later...." and flicked his tongue at him, "But first, do to Porky, what you did to Bob Sagget!"
Kold put on a purple robe and grabbed a glass of wine. On the back of the robe it read "CHIX WITH DIX". Kold advanced toward Porky in a seductive matter with a cahorting grin on his face. "C'mere piggy.... I wanna see why they call you porky...."
Witnessing this, and realizing that his doom would be slow, arduous anal pain and bleeding, Porky turned the acclaimed shotgun on himself, and that was all, folks.
"God damnit...." Kold moaned as he swiveled his wine glass, "lost another pig to suicide.... Come on, scuzz-bucket, let's go to Fred's house." he continued as he left with Mike.
Alec got out of his hole, "Yeah, and I lost another friend to Kold's critically acclaimed leaky treats... Hey, Goku," he said taking out his camcorder and a sack of Whoppers, "How would you feel about selling out and eating some Whoppers from Burger King on camera?"
"WOULD I EVER!!!" Goku screamed as he dove at the sack and went down on them like Alec on a rooster.... And by rooster, I don't mean an animal.... Who's into bestiality...hehehe.... NOT ME!!! QUEER!!!
Alec started recording, "Look at him go, kids! Your hero loves those beefy goods from BK! And after you're done at Burger King, make your moms take you to Toys 'R Us and buy you some fine Mattel, Irwin, Capcom, Nintendo, Sony, and Disney toys and games!"
Goku layed back on the lawn moderately satiated, "Oh, man... that was better than screwing Conan O'Brian.... Oh, I gotta do something." Big G, proceeded to get up on the stage that happens to be there and got a microphone from a miscellaneous hand.
"Hey... listen, everybody..." he began, "I'd like to dedicate this party to a great guy... Vegeta! Yeah, we've been through good and bad... Especially BAD, though!"
"Oh, God.... No, no, nonnonononono!!" Vegeta panicked, "Don't let him do this.... No!!!"
Goku continued, "Yeah, a lot of you probably didn't know Vegeta 12 or 13 years ago.... or maybe it was last week, I DUNNO! BUT HE WAS CRAZY! HOOOOLLYYY SHIT, VEGETA! REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU AND NAPPA CAME TO EARTH?! YEAH! YOU KILLED A FEW HUNDRED CIVILIANS AND THREE OF MY BEST FRIENDS, THEN YOU WERE GOING TO KILL MY SON AND ENDED UP SLAUGHTERING PICCOLO?!!? YEAH! THEN WE WENT TO NAMEK, AND YOU GOT KILLED, SO I WAS MOTIVATED TO FIGHT FRIEZA AND ENDED UP LOSING TWO YEARS OF QUALITY TIME WITH MY FAMILY, BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO WEAK TO FIGHT YOUR OWN BATTLE!!! AND YOU WERE STILL MEAN TO ME!! YEAH, YOU'RE A BIG FUCKING LOSER AND A MEAN SONOVABITCH! .....Do you know how many times I cried to myself at night, just wondering WHY? Wondering why the only other man I love hated me?"
-Insert crowd "Awwwww....."ing-
Crowd complaints- "Yeah, you really suck you bastard!" "Eat shit and die, monkey!" "My dad was in that city!!!" "That's disgusting!" "I can't believe you!" "I just met you and already I want to dance on your grave!" "You're on the top of my crumb list now!"
I am Vegeta's mental breakdown.......
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
"Hehehe!!! Try to catch me, Trunks!" giggled Goten as he ran through the yard..... and into Vegeta's line of sight.
"Mini Kakarott!" he screamed as he grabbed the dearly departed Mirai Trunks' sword. He rushed Goten, and the child didn't have time to react as Vegeta sliced his left arm clean off. As the youth's innocent gore splattered on his face, the Saiyan's blood lust grew. He thrust the blade inside of Goku's second born and tore it out at a sideways angle as to rip out his entrails. Just as Goten's eyes went blank and sweet death was gripping his veins, the prince incinerated him with energy, leaving his young corspe charred and smoking on the freshly mowed lawn.
Trunks began weeping as he clutched his mother, and the last of the crowd was fleeing. Goku stood on the stage engulfed with fury.
The gentle savior gritted his teeth as tears rolled down his cheeks, "Isn't there any hope for you!?!! You HEARTLESS BASTARD! AFTER ALL WE'VE DONE FOR YOU! YOU DESERVE TO BURN IN HELL FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"
"Ka..... me...."
Vegeta merely stood awaiting his impending death, reflecting on everything that had lead up to this moment.
"Ha.... PREPARE TO DIE, VEGETA! I'm so sorry it had to end this way...."
Vegeta dropped to his knees and nodded, accepting fate as it manifested itself.
"Me....."
BLIP
Goku was gone. Vegeta was to live. Vegeta passed out and his weeping wife ran forward.
Elsewhere.... Goku appeared from where he'd left from.
"Oh, Goku!" Baba said at his abrupt appearance, "I fixed the ball! Now, I can get down to YOUR balls!"
Still filled with primal rage and eager to kill something.... anything, he released his wrath on Grandma Baba, effectively destroying a great deal of the Other World civilization.
7 Months later..... at a Mexican farm
Vegeta sat listlessly eating the dandelions in his field, wearing overalls and a straw hat. After the incident, Vegeta was deemed mentally unstable by every country except for Mexico, so Bulma thought a farm would be good "Happy Time". She skipped out to him giddily.
"Hi, Vegeta baby, you're up early this morning," she said as she kissed him on the cheek and put some packets on his lap. "Those are some seeds. I thought they might be better to eat than dandelions."
Vegeta grinned at the seeds dumbly, reading the name's of the plants outloud to himself, "Tom...ate..toes... Tomatoes.... Pot.... ate... those.... Potatoes..... Potatoes...... Car...rot..... C... Ca.... Carrot.... Ka.... Carrot...... Ka...carrotto.... KAKAROTTO!!!!!!"
Back to the BadFanfic Center set..... With Alec, Mike, and Friendly Mr. Pic.
Alec: Hi, folks, and welcome back to BadFanfic Center. In the house tonight with me, I have my fellow cahorter, Mike. And of course, the ever vigilant Piccolo.
Piccolo bound to chair and unconcious: Unnnnghhhhh....
Alec: Mike, get the jabbing pole.
Mike gets long pole with searing hot needle on the end and prods Piccolo, who then awakens.
Mike and Alec look at each other and nod. Then Mike prods the now conscious Piccolo another 7 times to satisfy his own sadistic pleasures.
Alec: Hello Piccolo, what's happening. I'm glad you decided to join us this evening.
Piccolo: groan DECIDED!?! YOU DRUGGED ME AT THE END OF THE PARTY AND TOOK ME TO A REMOTE LOCATION! I don't even know if it's evening... or morning.. or afternoon..... ah! Up is down, left is right, black is white, flaccid is erect! IT'S ANARCHY!!!!
Alec: Alright! Shut up you stupid leper! Get 'em Mike!
Mike pokes Piccolo with an Honest Bob's multi-needled, gyrating castration rod with dual prostate milkers. High quality and available at ACE hardware, K-Mart, and Wal-Mart, as well as Jay and Bob's Secret Stash.
Piccolo: Ungh! Do it again, Recoome! I mean, STOP!
Alec: So.... What did you think of this terrible fanfic? The Goten dramatic gorey death scene, to be specific...?
Piccolo: I'm still in dire need of antacids! You sick bastards! I rape boys, and that fic makes me vomit like Mike! I used to be the fucking devil! comical projectile vomiting from Mike and Pic
Alec: Yeah, well, that about wraps up our fanfic.... we slaved in my basement for months..... Here's a small list of what actaully went on in the making
1. Mike whipped me 2. I licked the caps lock light 3. At least five inside jokes were formed 4. Mike masturbated with a green St. Patrick's day horn, while I goosestepped 5. I begged Mike to "just touch it a little" 6. Mike gave me the cold shoulder 7. Kold gave us both the cold penis 8. We learned the technique from King Kai, which basically involves him raving while he snorted coke off of his picnic table. 9. We made many references to "Clerks" 10. We pissed out of my sliding glass door, becuase we're too damned lazy to get the 100+ cans of coke out of out systems using the bathroom that is "all the way" upstairs. 11. Discussed the French tickler..... I know... it sounds obscene and it is.
Alec: And now we're going to post this and go upstairs to watch my video from the Frieza saga where Vegeta says, "Kakarott, you dog...." and that is actually the only reason I spent 15 creds of my hard stolen money. I belive Mike has something to add.....
Mike: Yeah, and by the way Darryl, Goten is rotting in hell and getting gang raped by the Ginyu Force....
Alec: Even Jeice?
Mike: Oh, yeah. Especially Jeice.... Like you wouldn't believe!
THE END
Ah, can it be the end already.. Nope!!!! YOU MOTHER FUCKERS STILL HAVE 2 SEQUELS COMING AT YOU IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS!!! YA LIKE THAT SHIT YA FUCKIN QUEER??? GOT GUYS GOIN' DOWN ON ME LIKE CIRCUS SEALS!!! Please remember to review this fan fiction, flames are not only welcome, not only encouraged, but if you don't write one. Oh, boy, your whereabouts will be unknown for the next 3-5.. J/K, you ain't gotta flame if ya don't wanna. Just remember, though... UNKNOOOOOOOWN!!!