My lovely readers, sorry it took longer than usual to upload but I was on vacation and had little time and mental availability to write.
I forgot to contextualise this inside canon timeline. This is happening about two months before Jiraiya goes to Amegakure and fights Pain. (I'm taking a little liberty with the time gaps between arcs.)
We're pass 50 followers, that's amazing! As always thanks you for accompanying me through this story, please review and stay safe!
Part V | Chapter 3
Nothing stirred along the avenue. The stillness of death had settled over the devastated the wind of Snow, cold and ghostly, made the overgrown grass sway, and yet it didn't wash away the still and quiet that drenched every little crevasse of Bukigakure.
It hit her as a chakra blow to the front, her breath caught against the ache in her chest. Gohama's fingers tightened around the wooden beam of the gate, as her legs faltered under her. Still she didn't let herself fall. For too long minutes, she stayed still, afraid that any movement would break the faltering balance that kept her from crumbling completely, just as her village had crumbled and was crumbled at her feet.
Climbing over the hill, the wrecked houses precariously held themselves. On the highest point of the city, the silky blue curve of a palace's roof lurked through the chaos. It had been the Yukikage's working building. She had used to wait on the roof, tenderly enjoying her village's scenery, for Father to come home.
Gohama knew it would bring the waves rocking against all her sides, she had steeled herself for it, anticipated the wreaking blow, and yet she felt ready to fall and never pick herself up again. She wanted to, she couldn't, but in those few minutes where she tried not to shatter again, she really wanted to just let herself be nothing.
Her hand moved to wrap around the handle of her tachi, sheathed on her back. The skin of her palm pressing against the silk wrapping, feeling every dent. Her weapon. Gohama couldn't forget, especially not as she finally saw what the massacre had meant. She couldn't forget how she was nothing but her weapon. Only when her duty would complete and she would lay it back at her Village's feet could she be nothing.
A step forward and it reminded her of the ones she had taken towards Uncle just the day before. The image of his blooded body and his cold dressed up corpse branding into her pupils. She had never seen the bodies of her compatriots ready for a funeral. She would bury now every body she could find, even if they were nothing but bones now.
Another step forward through the avenue that Gohama had walked upon when returning home from a mission, when strolling around the shop stalls; when stopping on the festival stands with lights around her, stones under her feet, and so many people bumping into her, noisy and moving and alive.
It was empty now.
She searched Bukigakure in Bukigakure and yet she couldn't find it there, in the broken, dirty stones of fallen houses, in the still grave of a life that was no longer there. What had she expected? Definitely not life, but not this emptiness either.
She could recognise the façade of Izumi's Pastry Shop, where she had used to buy two scoops of lemon ice cream after the most ruthless team trainings. Haku always went for strawberry and chocolate, Hiashi for green tea and Katsuo-sensei for coffee and vanilla. She could recognise the holed roof of the Academy, where Gohama and Isune would lay on during Inoki-sensei's classes and giggle when he couldn't find them. She recognised the mountain slop around which Buki spread, the narrow streets snaking around it.
Now, they were nothing but fallen rocks and empty houses. Everything they had brought with them during her childhood was gone and not even the empty carcass held something of Bukigakure, except for the faint, cold memory of what had been and would never be again.
The glory and beauty had ceased with the life of the village and if left nothing but void and stone.
She stopped over the Deiji Bridge. What remained and lasted was the river, as it had before, cold, distant and running. It would remain through years until there was nothing but weeds around him and the stone remains of Buki where buried under brown earth and deep roots, forgotten and gone.
Gohama had used to meet her friends there. Isune, Haku and Kunimaru. Now they all lay dead somewhere.
Worse than the devastation of the buildings was the abandonment, the despairing silence. Where once was life, death's mute presence ruled. A land of no man.
Gohama stopped before the white wolf crest carved into the stone of the Kyura compound gate. She was nothing but a lone wolf now, with no pack. It shouldn't matter, because she still had her obligation to them and through her, through her duty, they remained.
A step forward on the cracked pavement stones, on each side of her the white façades of her clan's home. There were weeds and trees overgrown, but most of the buildings persisted, only the sings of time and abandonment marked into them, but not of battle. They had all died quietly with no chance for defense. One of the strongest shinobi clan's erased from existence with no trace, no greatness.
Why didn't she feel rage? Why did the injustice translate into desolation? She wanted to cry but the tears behind her eyes wouldn't fall. Images of the fatal night rushed into her mind, of her running through those streets, away from the battle, away from her people. She forced herself to remember, to relive it. It didn't change. Her memories brought only more quiet, empty despair.
It didn't matter. Gohama would fight for the Kyura now and she would revive their greatness.
And suddenly she was standing her home's gate. Her eyes fixed on the ground as she crossed the threshold onto the wasted front garden. They were heavy as she tried to lift them, following the path of stone, to settle on the manor.
Hansuke. Her heart jumped inside her ribs at the sudden image of him. He was sitting at the entrance steps, his face hidden in his hands as he supported them on his knees. As she stood there, staring at him, he raised his head and, after surprise lightened his expression, he smiled and stood up too.
"Gohama."
"What are you doing here?" Her voice leaving with a biting edge she hadn't intended to show.
"You obviously know why I'm here. I'm glad you're safe."
She moved then, her feet dragging through the stoned path, the small ponds had drained out and the grass spouted through the stones. She didn't answer as she moved pass him, forcing herself not to hesitate in front of the two steps.
"I won't go back, you should leave now."
Her eyes were pinned to the front door of her family home, the front door she hadn't passed through for eleven years. It seemed smaller now, the handle staying at her waist height, everything looked smaller. Her hand rested on the handle and she breathed in, trying to force herself to slide it open. Why was it so hard? What was she afraid of? Whatever was behind that door it couldn't be worse than the devastation she had seen moments before.
The door rammed a little, forcing her to pull it hard and making it smack to the other side. Gohama jumped at the sound, her stiff muscles snapping from the noise. Another deep breath and she was standing inside the genka. Her eyes flew over the shoes that were still saved there, waiting to be put on again. One more image of life crystallised in time, rotten and dead.
Out of habit, a habit that even after eleven years was still ingrained in her body, Gohama took off her sandals. Behind her, she heard Hansuke do the same. She had almost forgotten he was there. Again, she just had to move forward, just keep walking inside.
The tatami floors were ruined, with dark mould stains and threads of straw ripped apart. The pungent musty smell was enough to make Gohama's eyes sting and she pulled her shirt to cover her nose. She would have to take them out if she were to live there during her training.
Her feet averted the stains as she walked through the main divisions of that floor, keeping away from Mother and Father's offices. The sparse decoration was as she remembered. A few vases had fallen off their spot and were shattered on the floor. The tables and furniture were covered in a thick layer of dust and dirt, but other than the typical signs of abandonment and of the passage of time, her home was the same.
Her mind focussed on the different tasks needed to make the house liveable, as long as she thought of them, she wouldn't let the weight settle in her heart and ache. Her eyes never lingered on the personal objects scattered around the house, from toys to books and scrolls, to Father's favourite cup.
With another rough push, Gohama opened the doors that lead to the engawa and the garden. The barriers of practicality that she had built around herself almost crumbled. It was ruined. Mother's pride and joy was nothing but a barren patch of land with overgrown weeds and a drained out pond.
Gohama stopped on the engawa, her gaze stuck to the stone wall at the end of the garden. She wouldn't go upstairs, where a puddle of Mother's blood was sure to have marked the floor. Her arms wrapped around herself as a cold wind swiped through the ragged edges of her hair, the same way the twigs and grass outside swayed without any direction.
Gohama thought Bukigakure would feel like home. It felt like crumbled stoned and the grief of desolation.
Her nerves fired with a jolt at the feel of Hansuke's fingers on her chin. "Who died?" He was touching the remains of the red powder.
"I forgot I still had this on…" Gohama mumbled as she shook his finger off and wiped the powder from her face.
"Gohama, who died?"
"Uncle Tsukate." Her eyes finally turned to his as she answered. They shouldn't have, his hazel eyes had deep purple circles around them, and he had the most miserable expression she had seen mark his face.
"I'm sorry…" He whispered, his voice small and broken. "Was it Akatsuki?"
"Who else would kill a monk in his own monastery?" She bit out.
"They're searching for you. You should come back, you'll be safe in Ko—"
"Don't say it. Don't dare fucking say it!"
Her jaw clenched and her hands trembled. Hansuke seemed to be trying to exasperate her, with his heartbroken expression he had no right to show and his comments about coming back to the place that had lied to her for four years. He had lied to her for four years.
"Where are the bodies? I want to bury them."
"You don't know? Come, I'll show you."
The Black Pine Park stood at the southern edge of Bukigakure, blending from wide grass fields, now filled with overgrown weeds, into the forest around the village. Civilians had mostly frequented it, as it stood next to the civilian district. Gohama had went there only for the firefly festival in summer, where all villagers would gather to watch the yellow lights glide around the air and pines.
Even before crossing the tori gate that hadn't been there before, Gohama could see the grey gleam of stone break through the overgrown weeds. It scared her how just that thin sliver of an image made her heart sink inside her chest. Still, she bowed before the gate and still she walked across the rows of gravestones all around them, spreading through meters of grass, thousands and thousands of gravestones to mark every single countrymen that had died. And here Gohama was, alive. Her heart thrumming through her ears, fast and burning and strong, and so alive it made bile rise to the back of her throat and her head dizzy.
Her eyes followed the blank and written stones, trying to mark every name, most of them she didn't even recognise, into her skin. She needed to feel the full meaning of the massacre, of the death of every single person, of all of her village. It was so painfully tangible now, so heavy and glistering in her skin. Gohama had grieved all of them before and yet it hurt with the same gut-wrenching intensity again, as if taking poison to a still open wound.
"Konoha arranged this memorial site." She flinched at the sound of Hansuke's voice, having forgotten he was there. "They were all buried by their clans' traditions and grieved as heroes, including the civilians. Konoha couldn't discloser its own involvement, but we tried to honour Buki as an allied nation. Some people were identified, others were not."
"Where's my family?" She whispered and winced at the roughness of her voice as it left her throat.
Hansuke's hand reached for hers, but, before he could touch her, he pulled back and nudged her shoulder instead. "Come."
It shouldn't have surprised her that he wouldn't hold her hand and still she found herself frowning at his, as he moved through the graveyard. He was stopping himself from touching her more for her benefit than his. Did she want him to touch her? Gohama wasn't sure.
They stopped at the front row of the memorial. Her eyes brushed through the four names carved into granite, beside them blue and white wildflowers carefully placed. What did people do in front of memorials? Gohama had never had one to honour. They prayed perhaps, they talked to nothing but a cold stone, they left offerings like food and flowers, yes, flowers…
"There are flowers…" She whispered. It seemed her voice had lost all its energy too.
"I put them there."
She wanted to reach for his hand, to see as her pale fingers intertwined in his dark ones, squeeze once and then let go. She wanted him to know how much she cherished the flowers he had left for her family. But she couldn't do it. Gohama didn't know why, but she couldn't.
"Who received and gave them the mark?"
"For most Kyura, any Leaf shinobi or citizen that volunteered. Sandaime" The Hokage's name made her frown. How could he have given the order to assassinate so many allied shinobi in their own home, a Yukikage in his own bedroom? "decided that the ANBU agents would mark and be marked by… the target they killed…"
Her gaze snapped to his hazel and mellow one, mellow for his friend. "He didn't even have to be ordered. Kakashi volunteered to perform the ceremony on your entire family. Even you…"
That was why he knew for how long to leave the red powder. Could he even grasp the significance of the mark between dead and living? That it was believed they now lived through him? And did they…? She looked down at the graves of her dead family, Father, Mother and Yukine. Did they live somewhere, anywhere? Or had they just vanished as she felt they had, leaving nothing but a hole inside of her?
Did he care about the people he had killed? Did he feel guilty? She hoped so, the beastly side of her hoped he was suffering with it.
Gohama read their names. Inaku, Misaka and Yukine. They had been dead for eleven years, yet, in that moment, they died again. The rush of grief shoving into her front as it had on Uncle's funeral, but this time her eyes stung and all the pent up anguish was ready to wash out with the tears. She didn't let it. Hansuke's chakra was pressing to her side and she was acutely aware that he was here, that he had been here on the day her village had been slaughtered and on the day of their funerals. Gohama would have cried before, but now she held back her tears, only letting her chakra tremble and a shaky breath ease the ache in her chest.
Kyura Gohama, she read her name carved into the stone between Mother and Yukine's. Her body should have been in there too, beside everyone else. She should have been there, lifeless and rotting, nothing but bones. Why had she made it out alive? Why had she run away? Gohama knew why. In her weakest moments, she had wished secretly in her heart that she hadn't run away, that she had died with her Village on that day.
She reminded herself that she needed to feel all this again. She needed to know the full, cruel and degrading, meaning of what had happened to the people of Bukigakure eleven years ago. How every name was carved into stone because of her. Thousands of people, her people, all lying dead under feet, nothing but earth or ashes, because of her, because of that miserable power inside of her. Was there a purpose for her? She couldn't feel it… They had died for nothing and she had lived for nothing… The purpose of the jinchuriki was to protect the Village. She had failed that.
Gohama read her name. In her heart, they had died again. But this time it was different, this time she felt herself die beside them. She tried to quiet down the cavernous anguish that she had been enduring for so long. She tried to embrace the faintness of the breeze and the smooth light from the sky, but her heart didn't change. It would never change, she had accepted that a long time ago.
"Can we pretend… for just a moment… pretend you didn't…"
"Yes…"
He moved towards her, his arms opened, and Gohama waited until his body wrapped around hers and she could let her legs falter under her, knowing that he would hold her up. Her chin rested against her chest as she shrank deep into his hug. Still there were no tears, just shaky breathless puffs and a closed stinging throat.
But there was something missing in Hansuke's embrace. His chakra was the same but if felt different as it seeped into her skin, the earthiness was still there and the steady flow, but it didn't sooth as before. She hated it. She hated it so much.
There was no pretending. Still it was better than falling alone on the ground.
Kyura Gohama, the stone marked. And she renounced to everything that she had been in the eleven years after the massacre, everything she had been in Konoha, everything she could have been there. She renounced to all things past and future. There was no doubt anymore, no hesitance, nothing or no one to hold her back from the purpose of her life. There was no self, there ought to be no self, only blood, name and duty, only the sharpness of a blade ready to pierce and kill. The Gohama from the past eleven years erased and dead.
She was the jubi jinchuriki, she was the shuriken of Bukigakure.
Gohama sat on the roof of the Yukikage Palace, watching the devastated village under her. She had sat there so many times before, waiting for Father to leave the office, trying and failing to sneak up on him. Now, she just let the soft breeze ruffle her hair and tried to breathe through everything she had seen today. It had been hours, maybe, the sun was already dipping behind the west flank of the mountains. Hansuke hadn't talked or even moved for all the time they were there.
It was time to push forward, now. Gohama stood up and behind her Hansuke did too.
"Are you just going to follow me around?"
"Until you are ready to leave."
Her fingers moved to rub circles against her temples. "How hard is it for you to understand that I'm not going back."
"There's nothing for you here anymore, Gohama… At least, in Konoha you have friends and—"
"There's nothing for me in Konoha." She bit out as she spun around, her back facing him.
"What about our team? Kisamaru, Nikato, me, you… We've already lost Ayame, a teammate, not you too…"
Her hand rubbed down her face at his words. He was using the dead teammate card to force pity out of her.
"I'm no longer your teammate."
"Turn around, Gohama. Say that to my face."
She obeyed, her eyes sharp and cold as she pinned them to his. "I'm not your teammate. And I'm definitely not a kunoichi working with Konoha."
Instead of countering her harshness in the same manner, Hansuke's face fell into a soft, almost disappointed, sadness. "You know what the life of a missing nin means. You're seriously going rogue, Gohama?"
"You don't understand, do you…? I'm not going rogue! I've been rogue since the Arms was killed! I have no Village, Konoha is not my Village, and it's definitely not my home… It never was."
"Don't the past years mean anything to you…?"
"They were what they were."
"What about us?"
"Us, Hansuke? You're seriously going there? You're seriously asking about us?" A bitter chuckle ripped through her throat as she shook her head. "You asked me to marry you! It may have been pillow talk but you meant it. You knew you were deceiving me in what matters the most in my life and you fucking asked me to marry you! Can't you see how fucking disgusting that is?"
His eyes glazed over and Gohama could see the raise of his jawbone as he clenched his teeth. "I know…"
"Then how could you…?"
"I couldn't tell you, I couldn't leak the information… and…"
"And what? You thought it didn't matter if I never found out? That we could have this perfect little life being all happy and shit even though you'd lie to me every single day."
"I didn't want to lie to you, Gohama. I… I…" He brushed his hand roughly through his hair, as his eyes turned redder and his voice shook with every word. "I don't know, okay? I don't fucking know! It just happened. I was stupid, trying to ignore what was so clearly a hole I was getting us into… One day we were suddenly in too deep and I was scared…"
"And now I finally understand why you never resented me. Of course you never resented me for not loving you. You probably felt you were lucky enough that I let you touch me."
"That's not why. I knew I could love for the both of us. At least, until you could love me too. I can love for the both of us still, Gohama."
"Can't you see how wrong that is? You're an even bigger fool than I ever thought you were!"
"It's not me being a fool! It's me wanting to love you, to make you happy!"
"It was always about that, wasn't it? You trying to make me happy. You trying to make up for never curing your depressed mother."
As soon as the words were out, Gohama pushed her hand against her mouth, with wide eyes. She tried to see the effect her cruelty had had on him, but Hansuke had his head cast low and face turned away from her. With a hesitant step, she moved towards him, but stopped before she could get close to him.
"I'm sorry, Hansuke, I didn't mean…" But she had meant to say it, she had always believed he was like this with her because of what he felt was a failure to his mother when he was a child. She just hadn't meant to be cruel to him.
He never acknowledged her.
"You made me better, Hansuke…" She started, her voice softer and quiet. "you did, but I can never be this idea of a happy person you wanted for me. And I wanted too. I wanted to be happy for the three of you. I tried, I really did, but I never could. And it's not your fault, it's not because you're not enough, Hansuke. You were always so much more than I deserved… It's just who I am, who I'll always be. And I know you could never accept that because you care about me and want the best for me, but the best for me just isn't what you think it is…"
Hansuke finally moved. His head tilted back as he looked up to the sky. He didn't change his position for what seemed to be minutes, uneasiness fluttering through Gohama's stomach at his silence. Then, he shifted on his feet to face her. His eyes were still red and sadness swam in the glaze, but a new resolve broke through as he stepped towards her.
"Being unhappy isn't a personality trait, Gohama. You can get out of it, you just have to fight for yourself and stop fighting for dead people."
"I don't want to fight for myself. I want to fight for my people, even if they were dead or alive."
"What about Kisamaru and Nikato? Genma? Aren't they your people too?"
The names pierced right where her regret hurt the most, her guilt. She didn't let her mind piece the full meaning of leaving them after nothing but a cold shove against a cliff and a usual drink at Ippon.
"Don't use them." She hissed. "Don't get them in the middle of something they don't belong."
"They do belong, Gohama. They are your friends and they care about you. Kisamaru and Nikato, your teammates."
"No they're not. Not anymore. There is no place for you in my life. Only my duty."
His hands grasped her arms, his fingertips denting into her skin. "It will destroy you."
"There's nothing left to destroy."
His voice rose as his hold tightened. "Don't lie to yourself, Gohama!"
"I've accepted my burden, you should too."
Hansuke freed on of her arms and his hand moved to his pouch. "If you've accepted your burden then do it." He place a kunai in her hand, as his fingers wrapped around her fist and led it to press the blade against his throat. "Kill me. I killed Kyura Itake, honour his life and kill me."
Gohama could feel his heartbeat beneath her fingers. It thundered, strong and fast, and echoed all through her body and head. How many times had she fallen asleep with her ear pressed to his chest as the lively beat of his heart lulled her to sleep? How many times, after an almost-deadly mission, had she savoured the rhythm of Hansuke's heartbeat shouting to her that he was alive, alive? Again it shouted and again, even after everything, she relished on it.
Her duty thrown to her in a silver platter, her purpose under her hands, waiting and willing, for her to complete it, and just having a kunai against his neck made bile rise to her mouth and her fingers tremble. She couldn't do it and they both knew that.
He took the kunai from her and Gohama lowered her shaky fingers, as they rolled into a fist against her leg. His hold on her arm eased and she shook his hand off her.
"I know it seems the only way to honour your Village. But I also know it terrifies you what it asks of you. You don't have to do it. A killing spree won't honour your village, it will only bring you more despair and pain."
"That doesn't matter. Whatever it takes, whatever amount of unbearable suffering…"
"Then why didn't you kill me?"
"It would be too easy for you. I'm letting you live that guilt and that pain. But that is just the beginning, I want you to see your Village burn and vanish, your friends fight and die. If I killed you now, your pain would be over in a second. I want everyone to feel what true loss is, true loneliness."
"This is the tailed beast darkness… This is not you…"
"Not me! Not me! I've lived all my life with Seiryu inside of me, I am only with him! But you could never understand that…"
"Then help me understand! Please, Gohama! Just don't shut me out like this! I want to help you."
"I'm a Kyura, the last Kyura. I belong to the Buki alone and no one else. That's all you need to understand."
"You're so much more than a Kyura, Gohama. And I know you let yourself be trapped in it because of grief, but there is a whole new world outside of the Kyura and that doesn't take anything from the beautiful values they taught you. It only enriches them."
"Oh, yes, there's nothing like Konoha's values. Talk about peace and teamwork and all that pretty shit, and then invade and massacre an entire Village! I should have seen through the deceiving. I should have left a long time ago."
"I'm sorry, Gohama…"
Her hand moved to cover her mouth as she chuckled dry and bitter and sardonic, while watching the crumbled ruins of her village. "We're past any type of apologies."
"I still want to apologise."
"It's useless."
"I don't fucking care if it's useless!" She jolted slightly his shout, the first he had thrown at her. "Now look at me. I want you to look at me while I apologise." His voice lowered to a whispered begging. "Please, Gohama… please…"
She turned towards him and his eyes were impossibly red now, the tears gathering at his waterline until she wondered how they hadn't fallen yet.
"I'm so sorry, Gohama. For everything I've done, for every time I failed you in any way. I'm so sorry, but I can't bring myself to regret being there with you. I knew you needed me, because you did, Gohama, you needed me, and I stayed. I would have done it again and again. I shouldn't have lied to you, but I didn't deceive you, I was never deceiving when we were together. There was nothing I could have done differently that would have made things better… The only thing I would have changed was that fucking mission. I would have sabotaged it, even if it meant being a traitor to Konoha, even if it meant never meeting you…"
That was what it meant to have her Village, her clan, her family alive. To never meet and know any of them. To have the last eleven years of her life erased, including the people in them. Gohama knew if she had the choice, she would choose saving Bukigakure. If not for herself, for her Village. Everything for her Village.
"There's no need for you to be a traitor now." Gohama spoke, calmly and blankly. "Go tell your Hokage to send the hunter nin."
"You know I won't."
"It's your duty."
"I also have a duty to you, Gohama."
"No, you don't."
"Of course I do, I love you." His voice so tender it ached.
"You shouldn't."
"I promised myself I'd let you go when you told me to. I just had no idea how difficult it would actually be. But I guess I can't really let go of you, Gohama…" There was a cheeky smile lighting up his face as he said the last words.
"It's not something you can have a say on, Hansuke. I won't go back and don't want you here."
"I'll leave, but I won't let go."
"You have to, Hansuke."
"And I know Nikato and Kisamaru won't too."
Again he was using them and it prickled her deep in her guts. "You don't belong in my life. I don't need you and I don't want you. I want nothing to do with you."
The wet rim above Hansuke's waterline finally spilled and she watched the tears run down his tanned cheeks and fall over his jawline. Gohama wanted to turn away, but kept her gaze pinned on his sad smile and away from his eyes.
She added with a soft voice. "…so leave me. As I left you."
Those words were final. They both knew it and failure etched onto Hansuke's face, and this time she couldn't stop herself from turning her eyes to the scenery beside them. She was going to add to his trauma. All the women in his life left him. His mother, Yugao, his teammate and the first girl he loved, Ayame, his student and the girl he had been responsible for, and now Gohama, his teammate and the girl he loved as a Harada loved.
Gohama had never believed in soulmates or loves of people's lives, but Hansuke did. He had a distant but strong tie to the belief of his father's clan that every Harada belonged to the love of their lives, even above their Village. It had made his father defect from Kumo and follow his pregnant mother. Maybe it was a way of connecting to his dead father, to believe he should do everything for his woman as he had done for his wife.
Gohama had never been Hansuke's woman and had never tried to be. She loved how he loved her and had only taken what he had given freely. But Hansuke always gave too much. He had given her his love and she had given him her trust and now they had ripped apart their most guarded parts. Why had she let him give her too much? He was fool and she was too selfish.
Her eyes dared look towards his face. The lines of his mouth were marked deep on his tanned skin, the corners of his lips drooping now. Worse were his eyes, the striking hazel that always shone brighter through the wet and red tint of tears. It was sad how beautiful they looked, and painful. The misery in them pressing into a lump inside her throat and making her guts tremble with fear.
Would she make him break? Hansuke was one of the strongest people she knew. He had never let loss hinder his love and empty his kind heart. He had Kisamaru, Nikato, Iruka, Genma, and so many other friends and people that cared about him and to whom he could return. Konoha was his home.
For a moment, they had shared a wonderful thing, but now their lives would follow different paths. Hansuke could understand that. He wouldn't break. No, she wasn't going to make him break.
"Can I kiss you goodbye?" He tried to smile again, but his lips quivered and she had to close her eyes only nodding.
His warm hand glided across her jaw, the feel the same as before. But his chakra wavered and prickled as he moved closer, the frantic waves so different from the usual steady feel of its earth nature release.
She had expected his mouth to meet hers, but instead she felt the soft touch on her cheek, her heart clenching at it. When he parted, his forehead pressed to her temple and she felt his pained mix between a sigh and a sob brush across her face.
Her eyes didn't open until he had pulled away completely, only cold air brushing through her skin. She could feel his chakra drawing away from her, leaving as she wanted him to leave. And still the coldness that was left bit her cruelly.
Her thoughts fell onto what would expect her back in Konoha if she were to go, as if returning from another common mission. She would greet Kotetsu and Izumo as her team passed through the gates and she would smile as they bickered with each other. Then, because it had been an S-rank mission, they would go straight to the Hokage Tower to report directly to Tsunade. After that she would go with Nikato to his house so she could fetch Toshi.
Her heart jumped at the thought of her goldfish. She would leave him behind, after three years of a steady, oblivious presence in her house, with whom she talked when the nightmares became too unbearable to go back to sleep. He would have to stay in Konoha and she would have to leave. Gohama always said goodbye to him with a "See you later.", but this time she wouldn't come back, and not because she was dead.
Her mouth opened and closed, as she shifted on her feet. Gohama could feel her cheeks reddening as she finally called, "Hansuke." He turned back with a fast swirl on his heels, the sole clinking on the roof tiles, and that foolish hope shining through his eyes. She hated herself. "Toshi. Ask Chizue-san if they can take him, if not please take care of him."
His expression fell and her stomach quivered at it. "Of course, I'll take care of him until you come back." He said with a small smile.
"Hansuke." A warning call.
"Gohama." A cheeky call.
And just this little exchange between them, where they did nothing but say each other's names, made the hole in her chest suck and ache so much harder than before. "Just go." She whispered.
Another watery smile. Hansuke always smiled too much. "Be careful, Gohama. Please. And know that you can always come to me."
This time he didn't let her see his back fade away. He shushined and there was nothing but a gust of wind where he had left. He wouldn't break, no, it was Hansuke, he wouldn't break.