It has been a year since I first started publishing this fan fic! A year and 50 chapters later (a small coincidence) and what better way to celebrate it than with smut?
Thank you, my amazing readers, and especially everyone that followed, favourited and reviewed!
Part V | Chapter 10
Strong fingers held onto her wrist, and Gohama just stared at them, trying to understand what had brought her out of her daze, the fogginess taking a long time to wash away from her mind.
"Gohama… what are you doing…" A low smooth voice asked, close, right beside her ear and it opened her awareness to the familiar feel of that chakra tingling around her skin, warm and trembling.
Her eyes made a slow path from those gloved fingers, up the corded length of his forearm, to his covered bicep, his masked neck and face, to settle on his eyes, as they hovered above her. It forced her to tilt her head back, grey eye staring at her with a quiet hidden emotion behind it and the red eye sharp and unyielding.
Kakashi.
"What are you doing?" He asked with more force behind his tone, his fingers tightening around her wrist. It made her gaze lower back to her hand, to the hold of his fingers around it. She noticed how they shook, imperceptible, but enough for her to catch it. Her own fingers were tight around the handle of her tanto, its blade testing the distance and aim to her heart.
That same heart jolted inside her chest, painfully so, it made her hold falter as she tried to pull away from the weapon, pull away from the realisation of what she had been pondering on doing. How long had she held onto the tanto, staring at its sharp blade, weighing the possibility of wedging it deep into her heart?
Gohama fell back, her knees raising and she threaded her fingers through her hair and hid her face against her arms.
"Where you going to do it?" She heard Kakashi ask, his voice muffled by the raging in her mind. "Gohama, where you going to do it? Gohama."
"I don't know! I don't know! I don't fucking know. I don't know anything…"
Her muscles shook and her heart thundered around a black void as the realisation of her fucked up mental state settled. She didn't know how long she stayed there, just letting herself feel the instability wavering inside her, the crumbled pieces she could never hold together. She also hadn't known how long she had mused on fucking killing herself.
She finally had the courage to lift her face and watch the beacon of the tanto, fallen onto the earth, next to the graves of her family, Mother, Uncle, Father, Yukine. All around her, all around the tanto, were the graves of her people, the people that had died to keep the vessel of Seiryu alive.
"I'm ridiculous…" Gohama whispered as she stared down at her tanto on the ground. The tanto that had belonged to Mother, that her parents had gifted her before her genin graduation, the tanto she had given to her Yukikage as a symbol of her warrior duty. Her weapon. She was going to kill herself with her weapon.
"What…?" Kakashi asked beside her, but it was a mere murmur of the wind as she stared down at her weapon.
Her hand reached for it, but, in shame, at the last second, her fingers buried in the earth, grasping onto it, instead of the handle. "I'm weak… I'm so weak…"
"Gohama." Kakashi called and his hand held onto her wrist. He had to turn her head himself, so she would look at him. But she wasn't truly looking, with wide unseeing eyes, and she wasn't listening as he said. He talked and all she could think was that she couldn't kill him. She was weak and she couldn't kill him, not even for Mother and Father. Not even for the Yukikage. Weak.
"…even with everything you've been through, you've never crumbled. All the loss, the pain, the death, and you've never let them take you down…"
She watched his steady gaze, trying to drink in the reassurance he tried to give her, but she couldn't when it was bitter as a lie. "I've crumbled so many times, Kakashi… so many times…" Her voice was broken and pitiful as she spoke, a mere rasp in the air around them.
"But you got up, you pulled yourself together."
No, she hadn't. Uncle had been there to help her pick up the pieces and then it had been Hansuke. Her rough monster hands only made them shatter more. Gohama raised herself on her knees, the anguish igniting in her veins, the same loathing that had led her into such a dark path, stirring turmoil inside her guts again. The daze was lifting and the realisation was sinking, with force and solidity to bring her life back.
"Don't idealise me, Kakashi. Stop it. Look at what you're seeing now." Her hand grabbed her tanto and she waved it between them, forcing him to see what was so clearly marked into that weapon. "I was thinking of fucking killing myself. So stop trying to find any saving grace in me."
His hand stopped her frantic movements, taking the blade away from her hold and sticking it on the ground beside him. "Almost everyone has thought that at least once."
"No, Kakashi, you don't see it." Her hysterical voice pleaded, trying to convey what she couldn't with the meaning of her words through her gestures. Her hands pushed against herself, pointing to the ever growing void in her, the ever growing weakness. "Look at me! Look at me, Kakashi! Please, Kakashi, I need you to see me for who I am. I need you to see me..."
His hands reached out to hold her face, his thumbs brushing away the tears she hadn't realised had fallen from her eyes. "I see you, Gohama." He answered softly, his calm, drawled timber trying to reassure her.
Kakashi's dark eye and sharingan marked her with what she didn't want to see, because she didn't deserve it, she had never deserved it. It wasn't difficult to understand the name of the motions behind his gaze, she had seen them before, and now in Kakashi, so unique and so him, made her heart ache and tremble. So warm and so beautiful and so so cruel.
"I see you. I see you."
His gentle loving hold of her face, the quiet ministration as he wiped her tears that would not stop falling broke all of her last strength, all the last pieces of her pride and her lying thick bones, which held her up, which helped her push through. Gohama could not push through anymore.
Her forehead fell onto his shoulder, as her hands gripped the front of his vest in a frail begging hold. The sobs made her own shoulders shake and her voice waver with each shared word, each burning confession. There was no need to pretend, she didn't need to pretend with Kakashi.
"It's too much… I'm not enough and they can never see that… they could never see me… they always ask too much of me…"
Kakashi shifted their position, cradling her into the warmth of his chest. His mouth pressed to the top of her head, forcing a lump to close around her throat. She felt his warm breath against her hair as he whispered softly, "Then don't do it, Gohama, for anyone... you don't need to give what you can't give."
"I'll be worthless then… and I'm terrified, Kakashi… I've always been terrified of it… of losing the little worth I have… of probably not having any at all…"
Kakashi pushed her closer to him, his hand cradling the back of her head while his other arm tightened around her back. She could hear a small choked up breath from Kakashi, almost sounding as a sob.
"Gohama… I know I don't deserve your trust, but trust me when I say you have worth, so much worth. I know sometimes it's difficult to feel it, but please trust me, please…"
Gohama pulled the zipper of his flak jacket down, her hands glided under it, so she could press herself closer to him. Her chin tucked into her chest, her ear over the soothing beat of Kakashi's heart, the soothing and safe feel of his chakra, of his warmth and his scent.
"Please, hold me…" She needed Kakashi to help her hold her crumbled pieces together. Her eyes closed and she let herself be cared for.
"I'm holding you, Gohama, as long as you want me to, I'll hold you."
His fingers were still shaking, his heart still thundering with the fresh memory of her staring at her tanto, the blade hovering, only the length of her arm distancing it from her heart. Behind his eyelids, it mixed with the old burning memory of his father dead in a pool of his own blood, his sabre still between the stiff grip of his fingers.
Seeing her smile with Seiryu had made his fear ease and his caution drop. Kakashi had realised how unstable Gohama's psychological state was that morning, the day before, and yet he had let that smile appease what he had seen so clearly. She had been right, he hadn't seen her then. Only a cold unsettling feeling had made him search for her when she didn't come back for hours after Seiryu dropped her in Buki.
Kakashi would be forever thankful to every kami out there, whether they existed or not. That was not the point, the point was that for once he had reached her in time, for once he didn't have to see another precious person take their own life. He was surprising himself with his firmness. Kakashi wasn't sure how he hadn't freaked out already, wasn't sure how his heart beat steadily while everything inside him crashed against the walls of his soul.
His eyes dropped to watch Gohama's face, her eyes closed, silent tears still sliding down her cheeks. Maybe it was for her. She needed him steady, she needed him safe. All he needed was to let her presence in his arms sooth him too.
He couldn't not feel the softness of her breasts pressed against his chest, or the tantalising scent of her, feminine and salty from tears and clean sweat. It didn't stir heat in his belly, it spread an all-consuming warmth. It wasn't erotic, it was intimate.
Intimacy. He had run away from it for so long, and this small taste where they were both vulnerable and true with each other, unveiled how much he had craved for it, brought the hunger from where he had hidden it deep inside of him right onto his skin. His arms wrapped tighter, almost desperate around Gohama, and his nose buried in her lemon-scented hair. He felt like crying from the overwhelming emotions swirling inside of him. He felt like crying from the awareness that this was fleeting.
"Gohama, my love, are you calmer now?"
His eyes widened and his heart stopped, mind frantically doing a double take of his own words. His lips parted and closed as if the memory of the words were still locked on them. One thing he didn't use were terms of endearment. Never had they left his tongue and yet here it pronounced the strangest of them all, the most profound of all, the one that unveiled all that his heart silently said.
He had forgotten to halt the connection between his profoundness and his mouth, he had been careless, he had forgotten there was even the need to be careful. Those words were not meant to be said by him. Hansuke yes, her teammates, Genma, anyone but him.
His heart was pounding, expecting any sign of his words to seep and smother around them, as a large wave, as an erupting explosion. Nothing changed, no great destruction or great transformation. Gohama didn't even seem to have heard it.
Kakashi soothed his hand through her short, silky hair. "Gohama?" The only sign that she had listened was the little wiggle she gave as she scooted closer to him, her forehead pressing deeper into the crook of his neck. "Gohama?" He tried again.
"Sorry…" She whispered, her voice rough from crying and breath hot against his masked neck.
"Don't be."
She pulled back to look up at him, her eyes heavy between wet thick lashes. Her green hit him like a punch, incredibly striking from reddened eyes. "We should go back." She started. "It's really cold tonight."
Gohama took hesitant steps into the kitchen, where Kakashi was preparing their dinner. She leaned on the countertop, her forearms supporting her beside him, fingers holding onto the sleeves of the sweater.
"Yo."
"Hey…"
"You can go wait under the kotatsu while I finish here."
"Don't you want any help?"
"Just waiting for the water to boil."
Still Gohama stayed, the pad of her finger ran over the gaps between two tiles, her eyes following their path. Her wet hair was felt cold against her neck, as it dampened the fabric of her sweater. Well, Kakashi's sweater, which he had given to her weeks ago when the weather had turned colder, as she had come to Buki without her pack and the scrolls on her back pouch were meant for emergency supplies only.
Baths were great places for overthinking and even if Gohama, in her emotionally exhausted state, had tried to keep herself from it, there was only so much she could control. Kakashi's presence beside her was comforting, his chakra tingling up her senses, and his unwavering steadiness grounded her back, onto the floor under her feet, the tiles under her hands and the life that ran through her veins.
Her eyes didn't lift from the patterns her fingers made as she spoke, "I'm sorry, Kakashi… I'm sorry you have to put up with me…"
"This is not putting up with you, Gohama. It's caring for you, or at least trying to."
"You shouldn't."
"It doesn't matter if I should or should not. It's not why I do it."
"Why do you do it?"
"Maa," Kakashi started, his tone turning lighter. "now that's a rather complicated question, isn't it, Hama? Why do we care for people?"
She tilted her head to the side, watching him with a sidelong glance. "I'll pretend you didn't just avoid the question with another question."
He gave her one of his eye-crinkled smiles, the fabric of his mask shifting with his lips. "And I'll pretend you didn't do the same."
A small smile upturned her lips at his natural easy-going attitude. It wasn't aloof as he made himself be so many times, it was open and soothing.
"What's that smile for?"
Gohama straightened herself up and turned to face him, her hip leaning on the countertop's edge. "I'm glad this didn't make you act any different around me."
"Now I'll just overthink everything I say or do."
"Well, there's a pretty simple solution for that, just don't."
"Ah, when you put it like that." He mocked light-heartedly and Gohama didn't try to find anything to quip back at him, satisfied with letting the quiet settled between them.
His hands rested above the tiles, without gloves, and Gohama let her trembling fingers reach for the one closest to her. She traced the veins that popped out of his hand and arm, in an attempt to distract herself from the uncomfortable weight of shame and weariness and a quivering stomach. She could see and feel the little, almost faded, nicks and scars. There was so much skill locked in those hands, so much history, violent and gentle and warm.
His pale hairs broke through the warmer shade of his skin, as he liked to wear his sleeves rolled up. Gohama had never noticed the enticing contrast of it, as the hair faded away in his wrist. She smoothed his relaxed hand against the countertop and passed her fingers through his extended knuckles, his long, slender fingers.
Then she turned it around, pressed the tips of her fingers to the chakra points there, wide and burned with the use of such an offensive jutsu as the raikiri. The flow fluttered against her pads, tingles raising up her arm from the feel of it. Gohama wondered what it would feel like to have his hand grab her waist, no leather gloves or cotton shirts between them, to have him cup her brea—
Her eyes widened and her cheeks flamed even more at the dangerous path her thoughts were taking. And still the image was there, the ghost of a burning, electric touch against her naked skin. Slowly, she slid her hand away from his strong, promising one, and let it rest on the cold tiles. It was staring to be the same as the past days, where her every nerve ending was sensitive to the man beside her. It was excruciating, tantalising.
"I like your hair short." Gohama would have self-consciously touched it, if it weren't serving as a barrier between them. Which had been wishful thinking, as Kakashi chose to take the strand encasing her blush and tuck it behind her ear. "It makes your habit of hiding behind it much more difficult."
"I don't hide behind my hair." Gohama countered, trying to keep the shiver out of her voice, as his hand, that damn hand, played with the ends of her hair, his fingers brushing against her shoulder and neck.
"Oh, but you do. Why hide that pretty face?" There was a tone of clear playfulness in his compliment.
Gohama rolled her eyes. "Now you sound like Genma."
"It works. You're blushing."
The on point comment made her swat his hand away. "I never blush with Genma. And you're one to talk, Hatake." She threw a derisive glare at his mask.
"I'll just take it off."
"No, don—" Before she could finish it was already down and his beautiful, so human, so Kakashi face, was open to her again.
He chuckled. "It's just a face."
"Not just a face. It's Hatake Kakashi's face."
"Mm, what's so unique about it?"
A smirk twisted the corner of her lip. "Well, he has a mole—"
"Beauty spot."
"—just under the left corner of his mouth." As she spoke, her hand reached for it. Gohama hesitated for a moment, as she realised what she was doing, before committing to her impulse once Kakashi didn't jerked away. Gohama cupped his jaw and her thumb brushed softly over the beauty spot.
Her small smile washed out from her lips and he mirrored her, as they looked at each other. His damp hair fell over his sharingan, but Gohama could see the red speckles hidden behind the silver strands. Without the mask his face showed so much of his inner motions. Only after more than a month of living together had she learnt to read his eyes. Yet there was still more for her to learn and she wanted to learn it.
But now it was enough for her to see in his intense look the same pull she felt at her heart. Kakashi didn't lean in, as she knew he wouldn't, no matter how much his dark grey eye craved for it. Gohama was tempted to break the distance he wasn't willing to. Instead her hand fell down from his face, eyes never wandering from his, and rested above his own. It was distant enough and Kakashi didn't hesitate when intertwining his slender fingers between hers, calloused pads resting over the back of her hand.
Her smile returned, but with no mirth behind it. "Thank you, Kakashi, for pulling me out of it."
"But you're not really out."
The turn of her lips turned sadder. If only it would be so easy to pull her out of the dark long hole she had been falling into for more than half of her life. "No, but it's not your job to do drag me all the way up."
"I know." Kakashi answered with a gentle smile of his own, before bringing her hand up to his masked lips and pressing a light kiss on her fingers. "It's yours. But I'm here for whatever help you need."
Fuck. Gohama felt her eyes burn with as much annoyance as surprise at realising there were still tears behind them. Gently, she pulled her hand away from his hold, so she could turn around, her side propped on the countertop as her arm wrapped around her middle. With fast blinks and deep breaths, she tried to stop herself from letting the emotion take over.
Kakashi understood it so easily, as Uncle had before him, and it was so cruel. Gohama had never asked for someone to walk the path for her, only to support her through the way. It was her job to do that, not anyone else's and that was something Hansuke had never understood. In his love for her, he had wanted to make her better all alone, but that could never lead her anywhere, could never lead them anywhere.
Kakashi's hand brushed up her arm. "Gohama… should I have overthought a little harder?"
She chuckled, the rumbles wet sounding, as she leaned her back on the edge and looked at him with a tilted head. "Have I ever told you that I hate it when you're right?"
"That has to be annoying. I'm right a lot of times."
Gohama smiled and rolled her eyes and still it wasn't enough to shed her of the feeling of injustice souring her spirit. Kakashi noticed as his hand slid up her back and settled on her nape, coaxing her to rest against his chest.
"Why did it have to be you…" She whispered against his collarbone, her hand grabbing the fabric above his ribs.
Kakashi didn't answer, it wasn't a question meant to be answered. And matters weren't black and white. If it hadn't been Kakashi, then they wouldn't be here, him holding her to his chest, her breathing his familiar scent, fresh and soapy from his bath. No one could know if things would even turn out for the better between them, if it hadn't been Kakashi and if it hadn't been Gohama.
Her head tilted back so she could look at him. "If you'd known what I'd be to you would you have done it?"
His expression twisted into such gut-wrenching pain, she regretting ever asking such a thoughtless meaningless question, but the cut was already made. "Gohama…"
"That's good, Kakashi. If there's one person who understands duty it's me. I don't want you to ever put me before your duty, as I will never put you before my duty."
In her mind, Gohama had already decided she wouldn't kill Kakashi, a decision made by her heart a long time ago. But Kakashi didn't need to know that, as he also didn't need to know that Gohama would be gone before the sunrise.
She would leave him, this dinner of theirs a silent oblivious goodbye. Gohama knew Kakashi wouldn't try to stop her, but she dreaded a moment where one of them would walk away while the other watched. It was best if she just disappeared while he slept, so the weight of his gaze wouldn't pull her back or hold her heart captive as she walked away.
"The truth is that I don't know. I was a different person then."
She smiled an encouraging smile but her worn out heart didn't let any actual weight show through it. "But now you know for when you have to make the choice. Duty is always above bonds."
"When…"
"We both know it's a when, not an if." With one last smile, Gohama pulled back. "I'm pretty sure the tea has evaporated by now."
Their dinner was as light-hearted and normal as any other they had had before, except for the novelty of Kakashi's face. He teased her every time he caught her glancing at his bare face as he ate, watching the new movements of his jaw and expressions of his cheeks and mouth. She was unused to actually seeing him chew and it fascinated her, especially because that cocky smirk of his was so stubborn at disappearing after finding her looking so many times.
Still it wasn't enough to keep her from whirling down the rabbit hole of thoughts as Kakashi had called it yesterday.
Gohama looked down at the steam lifting from her cut of tea, as her fingers wrapped around the warm ceramic. Her mind was caught on the simple words he had spoken in an attempt at soothing, which, in her turmoil, she hadn't even considered. Only now did they ring as an ominous hiss through her head. It didn't surprise her, but that didn't mean it did not fill her with dread.
"Kakashi…"
"Hmm?" He hummed, showing that he was listening, as he swallowed his tea.
"You said everyone has thought of… killing themselves at least once." Her eyes finally lifted to his, as her voice left in a quiet whisper. "Have you?"
"In the past. Sometimes I'm afraid it might come back. But they're just thoughts, I know I'll never do it."
"How can you be so sure?" Gohama had always been afraid of the day her endurance would snap and her thoughts would poison her actions, before she could fulfil the purpose of her life. Today had been worryingly close, her mind muddled with emotion, not realising the true and wide range of a simple swipe of her tanto.
"Because I know what it is like to be on the side of those who stay."
Even through his levelled tone, the words cut her as the sharp edge of a blade. "Rin…?" She asked softly.
"My father… I found him."
It sank then, what she had done, and her heart with it. She had been entirely focussed on her own anguish, her own absolute ruin to realise that he would have found her body, if she had gone all the way, her dead body. The desperation she hadn't seen then, unveiled itself, quiet and pending under his eyes, as Kakashi looked away from her, to the nothing in front of them.
Her hesitant hand held onto his forearm in a petty attempt of showing her recognition, her regret for forcing such cruel thoughtlessness onto him. Her own eyes, too heavy to lift up to him, watched the spot where her cold hand met the skin of his arm.
"I'm so sorry, Kakashi, I didn't realise… I… I didn't even think. And you… I'm so sorry…"
"I don't blame you for it, Gohama, even if I was furious at you when I found you." Gohama felt her cheeks burn with a blush of shame as she continued to look down at his arm below her fingers. "But it was out of fear, not actually anger. I really don't blame you, Gohama, and neither should you."
How could she not blame herself? Kakashi had lost so much and when he was so young and Gohama had been so selfish in her own self-pitying, as if she were the only one to suffer in the world.
"It's why you said that, isn't it…? about wanting to be like your father as a kid and then…" Being shoved into complete disillusion. "How was your father? You don't have to answer if you don't want to… "
"He was a great father and a genius shinobi. He was kind and demanding at the same time, loyal. I admired him, as a person and as a ninja, above anyone else. It's why I wanted to be like him, until... He disgraced himself by choosing to save his teammates above the mission and he couldn't take the shunning…" Kakashi shifted his eyes away from the table, far away, beyond the swirl of the grass outside. "I didn't understand it then, why he would make that choice. For years I was all about the shinobi rules until I met Obito, he was the one that first threw the teammates speech at me on the mission he...
"Most of all I didn't understand why my father would… leave me behind. I understand it a little better now, but I don't think I've forgiven him. Not yet, at least."
Gohama tried to imagine a little Kakashi with big grey eyes and chubby cheeks, walking around the unpaved streets of Konoha hand in hand with his father. It didn't seem real and it hurt her how it didn't seem real. "How were you as a child?"
He chuckled at that, his lips moulding into a small, lopsided smile. Her attention stayed on the movements of his mouth as he talked. "Cool and cocky, a little shit basically."
She smiled too, how couldn't she smiled back? "Oh, I can definitely see it. Probably the type that had all the girls swooning over you."
"That's the only thing that didn't change."
"Not the only one, you're still cocky. And Nikato—" her mind caught up to the weight of his name. How she had thrown both of her friends against a cliff as if they were nothing to her, no more than ants crawling up her leg. "…thinks you're cool." She added mutedly.
Kakashi pressed a comforting hand on her knee. Her uncovered knee. The rough callouses, soaked in lightning chakra, trailed tingles up her thigh and her muscles twitched, she couldn't stop them from twitching. Those damn hands. He felt it too, how well the coarseness of his palm brushed against the smooth skin of her leg. He took it away as if he had twitched himself. There was no faking, only ignoring it. And so they did, Gohama looking at her cup on the table and Kakashi by talking. He had to be flustered if he chose talking over silence.
"No more talk about the past." His tone was lively.
"What will we talk about, then? Your mole?" she reached for it with a finger and poked it.
"Beauty spot." Maybe it had been a little intrusive, but Kakashi didn't seem to mind, as he grasped her wrist, the playfulness lighting up his handsome face. It was definitely much nicer to tease him without the mask. "You do seem to like it a lot."
"I do, it gives you character."
"So I normally look boring." He asked with a tug to her arm.
"You normally look bored."
"Maybe it's the company."
Gohama gasped in feigned outrage and twisted her wrist away from that damn hand. "So mean, Copy-nin. I said I liked your mole."
"I would have complimented you back, but we've seen how badly you react to those, Hama."
Gohama lowered her chin onto her opened palm and gave him a deviously sweet smile. "Compliment me now."
She had expected him to follow on her playful tone, make an exaggerated comment that copied Gai's speeches about youth, but his expression turned serious, his uncovered mouth only marking it more clearly for her to see. His fingers reached for her face, gliding softly down the side of her cheek and making her stomach flutter.
"I admire your fierceness, how it shows in your eyes, in how you protect everything you care about. And it fascinates me how while you're so fierce you're so soft-hearted too. So soft-hearted that you let me touch your cheek now."
Gohama held his hand on her own and pressed her lips to his knuckles. "After everything you've done for me, Kakashi, since the beginning when we first met in Konoha until now, how could I pull away?"
There was the guilt, hitting her full force through his entire face now. Kakashi had managed to bury it for so long, but it had to come out now. It was only worse when he pulled the mask up and lowered his eyes to his cup of tea.
"We both know how. And why."
Gohama raised herself to her knees, her hands cradling his face. She kissed him, short and sweet on his forehead, her nose pressed to his hairline as she whispered, "Please don't hide from me, Kakashi."
"I'm not." He exhaled and she felt him pull the mask down. "It's just… I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be on the end of your soft-heart."
One of his hands held his cup and the other bunched around the fabric of his pants. Gohama coaxed him to tilt his head back so he could look up at her. She was so close to him. Her dark hair falling on the space between them. All Kakashi had to do was lean up and he would finally kiss her. Gods, how much he fucking wanted to.
There was no redness in her eyes, even if they were still puffy from her crying, and the light bared their wet gleam. They searched his own, a bottomless intensity making a stinging ache thunder in his heart. Kakashi let himself show anything she wanted to see. It had been stupid to pull his mask up before, he hadn't meant it as an attempt at hiding, it had been out of shame.
He wouldn't say the words etched in his heart to her, because it was not his place to do so, but if Gohama wanted to see it in his eyes as he looked at her, the guilt, the brokenness, the longing, the love, then he would give it freely.
"Please tell me guilt isn't the only thing you feel for me…"
Her words hit him as a kunai to the chest, his lungs failing him and his heartbeat freezing. There was so much hurt in her voice… Gohama had seen it all wrong, she continued to see it wrong, as she looked down at him, a silent plea in her eyes.
His forehead fell onto her shoulder and his hand tightened around his cup until he could hear a thin crack. It was pure unadulterated torture and Kakashi's control was slipping through his hands like smoke.
He wanted, no, needed, to show her the burning, beautiful chaos he felt for her and Kakashi had always been a man of few words who put everything into his actions. His body was screaming at him to touch Gohama with all the love bursting through him, his heart pounding with the fury to reach out to her, even his mind needed it. Kakashi felt that all his person would crumble if he didn't press his lips to hers.
Gohama's hand buried in his hair, making a shudder spread through his scalp and spine, a heavy choked sigh tear through his lungs. She pulled his hairs gently to coax him to straighten his neck, but Kakashi knew that, if he looked at those green eyes of hers, there was no life long honed self control that would persist.
"We can't…" He whispered, but still his treacherous lungs breathed her scent in and his nose brushed sideways across the skin of her shoulder.
"Why not? I want to and I think you do too."
"Gohama… I can't." His head shook at his words, only so that his lips could brush through her shoulder. "I have no right—"
Gohama's other hand reached up to press against his mouth, trapping the words she didn't want to hear from him. "Don't, Kakashi. No more talk about the past." She almost pleaded, repeating his own words to him, they mocked and teased him at the same time.
His lips trembled under her palm, fast hot breaths teasing her skin there. Her hand glided gently down, until only the pads of her fingers rested against the soft flesh of his lips. He didn't even need to look at her eyes to feel the yielding spreading through his veins.
"I don't care about any of that now… Let's forget about that now, please."
She cupped his jaw and pulled him up, closer to her face, closer to her lips, her fingertips pressed against the speeding throb of his pulse point. Kakashi let himself be led, his reliable ninja strength deserting him now.
"Only this matters to me now." Her lips brushed against his as she whispered and Kakashi knew he was gone, Kakashi knew they would end the night melted into each other.
Gohama didn't drift closer. She waited for him to break the distance between them and he did. His lips pressed to hers, light and hesitant, as they moved tenderly against her own. She met his tentative pace with a more eager one and Kakashi followed, his hands leaving their tight confines away from her and wrapping around her back, fingers playing at the nape of her neck, arm pulling her closer to him.
His tongue darted first to meet hers, brushing gently at the seam of her mouth, while his need showed through the desperate hold of his arms. Gohama parted her lips and they tasted each other, pulling a groan out of Kakashi at her taste on his tongue. He felt himself burst, her touch burning him, her lips searing him, as finally he kissed her. Why hadn't they done it before?
Gohama moved to straddle him, her chest flush against his, her arms desperate around his neck, mirroring his own on her back. He tried to pull her closer still, her wanted to feel every inch of her pressed to him. Gohama's soft moan trembled through him when she felt his growing hardness between her legs, their contact igniting their pace into a violent impatient one. They kissed until their lungs burned and still it wasn't enough. Kakashi felt he would never get enough of Gohama.
She pulled apart from his lips, her breathing heavy and she could feel the warmth of his puffs against her mouth. Her thumb brushed his cheekbone, right over his scar, and she opened her eyes to find him looking back at her, the sharingan spinning and the grey one both soft and burning. She pressed her forehead to his and closed her eyes again, just being like this, straddling his lap, his hardness pressed to her, as she caught her breath was making Gohama burst, her stomach coiling and twirling, all her skin tingling, begging to feel his touch on her.
"I really want this…" she whispered quietly and his hands tightened on her hips.
"I want this too… You, Gohama, I want you so badly, it's been driving me crazy."
She laughed. The giddiness flowing through her veins bubbled up her chest in a light giggle. "I've noticed that."
"You loved making it worse." He growled and it rumbled through her belly and reached right into her core.
"Only because you were so stubborn and looked so cute all flustered." She let her lips slide through temple, down his cheek and rested them near his ear. "So fuckable." Gohama breathed at the same time as she rolled her hips against him.
Kakashi shivered under her and let out a strained groan. She loved it, all the little contained sounds he made, the small or harsh wavers of his chakra, the tight grip he had on her as if he could not let go, as if he wanted to merge into her.
Her hands glided down his chest, finally feeling his warmth and packed up power in lithe and firm muscles, which twitched under her touch. Kakashi pressed his lips to her throat and she couldn't hold back the soft moans at the feel of his warm wet tongue. She grabbed the hem of his shirts and pulled them roughly over his head, her eyes following the path of newly discovered flesh, flushed into a soft pink, so many scars for her to kiss.
Gohama pushed her hands onto his shoulders and forced him to lay back. Her lips clamping down on his bared throat. It was the first time she was seeing and she would take her time discovering all the little ways she could make Kakashi shiver and groan. Her tongue lapped at the bead of sweat on the dip of his collarbone and with open mouthed kisses, she continued to move down his body, her hands touching every inch her mouth could not.
She would ask after the most interesting, fascinating scars and through a breathless low voice, which stirred deep in her, he would give her absurd five-word stories of things she was sure had never happened. He was trying to speed her up, but never falling into begging and it only made her enjoy more every little detail.
As she brushed her teeth over a ragged, long scar over his lower ribs, Kakashi whimpered. Gohama pulled herself up, her eyes taking in the narrow strips of chakra burnt skin around it, as her fingers glided feather lightly over the rough skin. It was an old scar, but it had been poorly healed and clearly almost fatal.
"How did you get this one?" she asked as she dipped back to place soft kisses over it.
He lifted his head slightly so he could look at her with dazed, burning eyes. "W-what?"
"This one…" Gohama asked again as she followed it with her fingertip.
"Gohama…"
Kakashi tried to stand up as his eyes shifted from the smoldering desire to the guilt he couldn't hide from her. Why had she asked that stupid question? And why hadn't she seen it right away? The mixture of a stab scar with a chakra burn one. It was clearly a mark of Father's tachi, an almost deadly mark, as her fingers felt its twin marked into the skin of his back.
Her hands held his head firmly so he couldn't not look at her as she placed her eyes in line with his. "I'm sorry, but please just forget about it. I really really want to fuck you." Her hand glided down his torso to stroke him through his pants, as she whispered. "And I'm sure you want to fuck me too." She pressed her forehead to his, speaking seriously now. "Remember, Kakashi, no masks, no restrains, no guilt, please…"
She kissed him, her lips moving in a languid deep rhythm, urging him to follow her. He did easier than she had thought, and Gohama couldn't stop the smile against his lips. Her hips rolled against his and Kakashi didn't hesitate on grabbing her butt and guiding her movements over his erection.
He pulled apart, panting, his chest heaving up and down to brush against her own. "Futon?"
"Futon, wall, table. I don't fucking care, Kakashi."
He stood up with the graceful easiness he had in everything else, his hands squeezing her butt with a cheeky smirk. "Futon, then."
Gohama wrapped her legs around his waist and buried her hands into his messy hair, pulling it. "Need something soft for how hard you're going to fuck me?"
"Woman, if you start quoting Icha Icha I won't last very long." Kakashi said a hint of playfulness in his voice.
His mouth crashed onto hers in an attempt at wiping off her cocky smirk and even through the ferocity in their kiss, Kakashi laid her gently on his futon. Her fingers ran over the dips and rises of his back, the valley of his spine, as his mouth spread wet kisses over her throat, hand pulling at the collar of the sweater. His other hand dipped under the fabric to brush the skin of her stomach, Gohama let out a breathless sigh at the shivers making her muscles twitch and the tantalising electric feel of his touch.
Kakashi pulled back, his cheeks and chest flushed as he looked down at her, eyes burning and intent before he smirked. "I really like seeing you in my shirt."
"You'll like it much better seeing me out of it."
His hands grasped the end of the shirt as he pulled it up, the cotton fabric tingling her eager over-sensitive skin, as it slid up her front. When it was finally out, Gohama let her hands rest above her head, her skin burning under Kakashi's gaze, the tomoe of the sharingan spinning. His hands held her hips feather lightly, but even through the gentle hold there was the latent violence of passion, seeping through his tingling gaze.
"You're beautiful."
And those whispered words made her face blush bright red, but Kakashi, already expecting a shy reaction from her, trailed his fingers over the valley between her breasts down onto her navel and he watched as her back arch into his touch. It worked, a gasp broke through her parted lips and she didn't linger on her awkwardness at his compliment.
Fuck, she just wanted him to touch her fully, spread open-mouthed kisses to her skin. Her hand circled around his nape, as she whispered his name, begging him to lower himself to her, to feel the skin of his chest against the skin of her chest.
He obeyed, her heaving pants making her nipples brush over his warm chest, as his weight settle over her, safe and steady. His lips brushed over hers, teasing her, before he kissed her, moving slowly and deeply with hers before her tongue pushed past them.
There was something gut-wrenchingly affectionate about the way he touched her. The lust dominated it, but under all that, his handling was tender, as if he were afraid of hurting her. There was more than straightforward pleasure running through Gohama's veins from it, that resonated into the deepest corners of her being and she liked it, she shouldn't but she loved it.
"Don't be so gentle." She begged, this time she didn't mind begging. There were things worthier of protection than her pride, things that were being unburied, unprotected, vulnerable and the danger was almost terrifying.
Her hands ran down his chest, searching for his hands, which were still stubbornly holding onto her hips. A playful smirk upturned one corner of her mouth.
"Spring is short. What has eternal life?" She whispered against his mouth, citing the poem he had told her liked.
Gohama moved both his hands up her stomach and ribs until they were cupping her breasts, mimicking the rest of the verses. Her breasts pushed into the electrifying feel of flicks of chakra that leaked through his touch.
Kakashi chuckled, his nose nuzzled her cheek and he laid soft kisses to her jaw and neck. "You're such a dork, Hama, I can't believe you role-play to poetry."
His path continued down, tongue lavishing on her skin and thumbs flicking through her nipples. Gohama couldn't stop the heavy pants tearing through her lungs or the oblivious waving of her hips against him. The swirls, hot and cold, inside her belly, matched the throb between her thighs.
"I can role-play to any—ah." Kakashi cut of her words as his tongue brushed around her nipple and his lips tightened around it. Gohama's hands held onto his hair as she moaned, her back arching to push against his hot wet mouth, and her legs widened so he could fit better against her. His hardness was pushing against her stomach when she wanted it between her legs.
His mouth made the path between her breaths, so he could latch onto her other nipple as his hand glided down her body, under the waistband of her shorts. Gohama whimpered as his fingertip teased her slit through the damp fabric. Her hips pushed against his hand as he slipped under her panties to cup her. She continued to undulate against his palm, which was stubbornly still, her legs stretching as wide as she could.
"Kakashi." She growled and he chuckled.
His hand finally moved, fingertip brushing her clit, and Gohama muffled a moan against the back of her hand in an attempt to ground herself.
Kakashi pulled himself away from her breasts, his laboured breathing fanning across her heated face. "Gohama," He rasped her name and it was so sexy she felt her walls tightened against nothing. "remember no restrains. I want to hear you."
His fingers wrapped around her wrist and moved her hand away from her mouth. Before he locked it beside her head, Kakashi brought her forearm to his lips, scattering tender kisses over her jinchuriki seal. The gesture made her eyes close as her heart squeezed.
"And see you. Look at me, Gohama."
Gohama opened her eyes into his desire-filled ones as he slipped a finger inside her. He pushed another finger inside her, undulating them in a slow rhythm as the heel of his hand mirrored the movement against her clit. She fought against the impulse to clench her eyes shut at the spark of pleasure.
"Fuck, Gohama…" Kakashi groaned as his forehead fell onto hers.
After days of pent-up desire for him, the pleasure was building up all too fast even with Kakashi's languid motions, but Gohama didn't want the first time he made her come to be around his fingers. Her hand snapped down to grasp his wrist and he stopped his movements immediately, confused eyes searching her own.
"I want you inside of me, Kakashi."
His hand left her throbbing as he pulled it away from her. Kakashi kissed her, not gently anymore, the eager passion she felt boiling in her own veins reflected through the movements of his tongue as it brushed hers, and she met his passion equally, hand burring in his hair, arm around his back pushing him against her, until they melted into each other.
His mouth spread wet deep kisses down her neck, sucking and nipping at her skin, as he trailed lower, his hands grasping the waistband of her sorts and panties and dragging them down the over-sensitive skin of her legs. Kakashi groaned as he looked at her fully naked body, his cheek pushing against her inner thigh, rumbles vibrating right into her core. His hands brushed up and down her legs as his lips brushed up her thigh.
No matter how much her body was begging to feel his tongue on her clit, Gohama knew she wouldn't control herself before coming. Her palm pressed to Kakashi's damp forehead, stopping his path.
He looked up at her between her legs, with burning pleading eyes. "You're killing me, woman."
"Not now."
Kakashi respected her wishes, but not before gliding a finger over her slit with a smirk and slipping it into his mouth, his tongue darting out so she could see it.
Gohama groaned, her head falling down onto the futon. "Just fuck me, Kakashi..."
She had wanted to drag this between them, take the time and care to linger on every detail of him and he on every detail of her, but now all Gohama's body craved was to feel him inside her.
Kakashi crawled back to hover above her, his arms shivering slightly as he held himself between her legs without actually touching her. The thinning control was clear through his tensed up muscles and lustful eyes, but still he had a carefree teasing smirk gracing his red swollen lips. He lowered himself to her and she felt the hot flesh of his cock pressing onto her, making Gohama gasp and hips jerk.
"Better?" Kakashi teased her with his smug smirk as he rubbed himself on her.
Her teeth sank into her lip, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of hearing her moan at his teasing. "Better, but not quite there yet." Gohama bantered back as she tried to keep the breathlessness out of her voice.
Her nails dragged over his back, Kakashi's shiver vibrating through her skin. She slowed as they brushed over the muscular raise of his butt, his lips parting in a silent sigh. "Mmm, the best ass of Konoha, right?" She teased as she kneaded his firm cheeks, it certaily felt as good in her hands as it looked in his jonin pants.
Kakashi couldn't quip anything back as she continued her path around his hips, changing her nails with her fingertips. He finally grunted, his eyebrows bunching together and eyes clenching closed, as she cupped his balls. Her finger dragged up the underside of his cock, her thumb circled around his tip, spreading the beads there, before her fingers wrapped around his burning throbbing hardness and started pumping, slow and languid, marking the feel of him into her memory.
Gohama loved watching his beautiful face creased in pleasure, his full lips red from kissing her. She loved the feel of his chakra as it shuddered against her and mingled with her own, making her flow tremor. She loved the sounds of Kakashi, the feel of his breath on her ear, her cheek, her lips, the low rasp of her name in his throat. She loved how he looked at her and how he touched her, the feel of them together.
Her lips reached for his chin, pressing gently against his beauty spot, at the corner of his mouth, and raising to meet his lips in a soft kiss.
Gohama led him until he was pressing to her entrance and Kakashi opened his eyes, his hand reaching for her face, thumb brushing gently over the arch of her cheek. He was being too gentle again, but she couldn't find it in herself the strength to say not to it. She craved it as much as she craved the feeling of him inside her, maybe even more. Gohama craved everything that was Kakashi.
Kakashi pushed himself inside her in a slow deep thrust. Gohama moaned as her back curved, her fingers denting into the flesh at his back, but still she tried to keep her eyes opened. Kakashi grunted a low curse, his grasp tightening at her hip, but his eyes also didn't close.
Under all the lust in his gaze was an overwhelming warmth that reached right into her heart, squeezing it and making it ache. Gohama wanted to drag this night with no what-if's, this night where there was nothing outside them, nothing behind them, nothing ahead of them. It was only this moment and Kakashi and Gohama, them, as they melted into each other.
Gohama had already been so close before, Kakashi's deep thrusts didn't take long to tear an orgasm out of her. Her head pushed back against the futon as her eyes clenched shut and mouth opened in a long moan. The waves of pleasure washed over her body and she held onto Kakashi and he held onto her.
Kakashi had to stop moving, his muscles shivering and electric chakra clashing all around her, the typical restrain wavering as he was almost pulled along with her. Once her muscles sagged under him, shudders still trembling through her skin, and her walls still clamping around him, her face pressed to the crook of his neck and with a deep inhale she tried to ease her pants, soaking in his masculine scent mixed with clean sweat and soap.
His hand cradled the back of her head as he whispered beside her ear, voice soft and strained. "You okay, Gohama?"
She pulled back to look at him, her hand sliding from his shoulder to press to his cheek. "More than okay, so move."
His mouth moved into a lopsided smile. "You're very bossy."
"Usually it's called dominant."
"I'm the one on top."
"That's easily fixed."
He lips crashed onto hers, tongue plunging into her mouth as he kissed her senseless, not letting her takeover the control. When he pulled back, her dazed mind and lungs burning, it took Gohama some time to recover.
"Still fixable." She whispered breathlessly and smiled against his lips as he gave an exaggerated feigned groan. "Now seriously, Kakashi, I won't break, you don't have to be so careful with me."
"I know."
"Do you?"
The hand at the back of her head bunched around her hair, tugging it backwards roughly, the pull biting into her scalp and tearing a gasp out of her throat. His teeth scrapped down the arch of her neck and nipped over her pulse point before sucking at her flesh. Kakashi chuckled as he felt her ripple around him at his display.
"I know." He whispered firmly and pressed a gentle kiss above the thunder of her pulse and the mark that was certainly blooming there.
His hand held onto her thigh and raised it, until her knee came near her shoulder. Gohama closed her eyes as she felt herself shift around Kakashi. And again Kakashi was thrusting into her, faster now, harder, their sleek bodies moving in harmony with each other. But his tenderness for her was still there, seeping deep into her, stirring things she didn't want to be stirred, making her heart burst with something new and overwhelming that drowned her.
Her hand slid down his back until she reached his ass, coaxing him to move deeper inside her, harder. "More." Gohama moaned, almost begged.
Gohama just wanted to feel him fuck her hard and fast and nothing more. Nothing more. Kakashi grunted as his pace changed, a hand gripping her hip harshly, guiding her movements in time with his relentless thrusts.
The hot swirls low in her belly were building and the pleasure of him plunging deep inside her shuddered from her core through every nerve in her body. Everything was starting to blur as she let herself be pulled closer and closer to the peak. All that remain was the drowning pleasure of Kakashi inside her, his movements more frantic and wild, as he let himself go and the feel of his electric chakra ignited all her nerve endings, its vibrating flow losing its control.
Her insides coiled and burst as she came around Kakashi, his name ripped out of her throat as the waves racked her body. Her eyelids flashed with white spots and her nails dug into Kakashi's skin, all her body absorbed only on the blinding force of her orgasm. Then she felt his uncontained chakra, as Kakashi followed her, thrusts as erratic as the lightning wildness that pierced though her every cell, her every sense, her every memory.
A white blank mask stared back at her, glistering porcelain white, inside a round slit loomed a sliver of red from a cold terrifying eye.
A frowning beautiful face hovered above her own, glistering with drops of sweat, lips parted as they let out a groan, grey and red eyes peeking through half closed lids.
Long gloved arms, tense with pent-up power, led to covered fingers as they grasped tightly onto the handle of a ninjato, knuckles sharp below the fabric.
That hand gripped her hip, fingers trembling around her flesh, harsh and painful and so good, as his firm muscles locked around her with his release.
A drip, red and thick and Mother's, glided down a sharp unsheathed blade and splashed onto the hardwood floor.
Warm spurts filled her from inside as she tightened around Kakashi.
Lightning wild chakra burst from the lithe packed up body of the masked man in front of her, the unmasked man above her, into her shuddering body, and into her terrified and enraged and pleasured heart.
Finally she remembered his chakra, on that night the same on this night. And finally the white blank mask merged onto his face, melting onto it as a perfect fit. And finally there was the white masked man, Kakashi, and she felt it marked into every crevasse, plane and hole of her spirit.
"Gohama."
A lone tear slid from her cheek onto her ear, the same one that welcomed the sound of her moaned name.