by Fivi/ Vera Priscaleth
A/N + Other Crap: The title clears up when you read the story.. As for my portrait of Reno, I admit, it is a little wacked up and weird than the usual fanfic characterisation of him. The Turks belong to Squaresoft, this story using them belongs to me. Feel free to send feedback, review or just comment.
Rating/Pairings: PG-13 and not gonna tell ya =)
The smoke fills the air and I'm used to it. In fact, this smoky, stinking air that lacks of oxygen is easier for me to breathe than the fresh air that breathes in the summer mornings, fresh sea breeze. But nevermind the poetic ways of speech, it's lost among these drunk fools. We never respect a man who comes to a bar to preach about our worthless lives, it's a lost cause. This is our way to live, our way to be. Fuck anyone who thinks different. There is no other way.
All my life my feelings and thoughts have been shadowed by people who have put me down. I'm not offering the usual tragic childhood, rebellious teenager-pattern. I'm just saying. My family, what a waste they were. Never giving me the chance to decide for myself, never supporting any ideas of my own. My so-called friends were the same. I don't mind, they've only made me me, but it's a waste of thought thinking what I could've become. There's no real drama, there's just a bunch of broken hearts, broken promises, broken dreams and a puppy, that bled in my hands. You do the math of what I have become. I've always lacked of imagination, besides on the "101-ways-to-kill-a-person-with-a-spoon" type way.
Speaking of talented killers, Rude seemed all gloomy tonight. The poor fucker's been thinking too much. He just gets so caught up with himself. That never happens to me. And Lane, our rookie-Turk, our blonde bitch, our giggling sidekick, the sweet sugar in our bitter morning coffee. Elena, I curse her name. She's pissed as hell, sitting next to, trying to stub out my cigarette in my beer, laughing, teasing me. I bet she'd love to know how much it really makes me suffer. I glance at Rude. In his own world, thinking, pondering. I bet Rude's got a million characters inside his head, talking, arguing and discussing. He has a hard time. Just alone with himself, I guess. He drowns it all in alcohol, as do I. Neither of us give a shit.
Otherwise, well, I think Rude needs me. More than anyone else. He think he's all strong and that, but he never talks about his feelings or his pain or about anything. He just tells me the name of the bar and we go. And I shut up, yet my mouth speaks words and he laughs and we're vulgar and absurd in our own patheticness, and we're loving it. Booze, women, gambling, drugs, sex, our job.. The circle seems never ending, but I know someday it will break and we will all lose our touch.
Elena orders another shot. I wish I could just tell her to stop, but I was the one suggesting this, so if she's going down, I'm going done with her. I'm a loser, I can't stop myself from being this sad actor, numbed my other peole's ignorance, now never wanting to reveal the person inside. She can never hear what my mind speaks. I am a human, but what I really am is scum. I know it, I put up with it, I live like it. I kill, I murder, I blackmail, I have no morals and yet my morals require me to live like this. Elena giggles at me loudly, but then her smile turns into a frown. She says nothing, but I know it is time to go.
Rude stares at her blankly. I try to tell him to wipe his face, a casual joke, come on, man, get it? But nothing in his expression changes, he doesn't hear me. Elena orders another drink. I ignore her for a while now. It's a decision I usually make when I see I can't control things. Only a few minutes after my mind started to repeat blank thoughts as I began to not pay attention to her, a slack body begins to rest up against me. She hasn't gone to romantic slumberland, she's passed out, alcohol poisoning, irrigation, death, panic. Definately time to leave this place behind for tonight. I put her arm around my neck, she stands up on her own, probably sobering up.
I began to carry her. It's not that difficult, but it's difficult enough without Rude's help. The-- fucking bastard.
"Rude, come the fuck on and help me. She's not a bloody feather, y'know." I shout.
My mind doesn't reflect back every curse word I use now. I'm glad. I don't need----- my stupid sub-conscious mind telling me anything right now.
"For fuck's sake, Reno! Would you look at her now!" I shout at him. He ignores me, stares at the sky. What the hell is the---- motherfucker thinking about now? Wake up from your goddamn fantasy world, brudda, we need to get things done. I'm getting so angry I happen to drop Lane on the ground. She moans from pain and curses under her breath. What the hell is her----- problem? I feel like beating up Rude, the fucker's ignorant and------ distant at the moment. I hate people when they get like that. I hate people who get all pathetic when they're drunk. I look down----- on Elena, I feel like spitting on her. She's throwing up, puking inches away from my shoes.
"Elena, I told you not to drink that vodka, it's your own fucking fault." ---I say.
Rude glances at her and warmth radiates from his eyes. The poor gorilla, if you love her------ so much, why don't you just shag her right away? ----Huh?
Lane's sobbing out words.. I can hear one or two, but I'm upset and decide to ignore-- everything she says. I light up a cigarette, maybe it'll calm------ me down, because right now I feel like shooting this--- whole lot. My hands.. I don't need my gun right now.. I don't.. Lane...
I'm feeling closer to earth now. It was just a phase, no, more like a seizure, it goes by, don't worry.. I wouldn't really do anything like that to anyone, I swear, I wouldn't. It's just not me, it isn't, it goes by, it's gone now, I'm alright. Elena, I wouldn't do that to you, Rude.. I'm sorry...
"Damn you!" her nearly-sober voice shrieks and her small fist waves somewhere close to my face, but in the end she's down again. I laugh and pick her up. She smiles a little, humiliated. She cocks it up, once again. Way to go, Lane, you're the screwed up queen of my world again.
Then she burts into tears, her big eyes glittering with water. I feel something inside me move. I wish it didn't move like that. I wish I could just...
"We should do this another time." I say. It was a stupid thing to say, I know. Rude's still staring at the star-filled sky. He looks like he wants to go far away. I know how he feels. I just know, and it hurts.
"We do it too many times", Lane says. She moves closer and puts her arms around me. It comforts me. I hope it comforts her as well. I want to care. I wish to be there. I really do. And she's right. We do this too often. It had made us sore, vulnerable, yet rough and ragged. Walked through hell and still walking on.
"Lane, are you coming onto me?" I ask, as a joke. I wish she was. I wish we could, just for once, throw it all away and just fuck. Get it out of our system. Do what we want. For once.
"You wish." is her reply. Yeah, bitchy as usual. Not cold, though. Teasing, provocating.
She looks into my eyes. I look into hers. A smile, a mild one, her shyness coming through. I guess it was supposed to be a touching moment, but all of the sudden it got all awkward and we let go of each other. There is no time for affectionate emotions. Elena gives me a strick look. I nod. Work comes first. I'm still a little drunk, I think. All humour is drained away.
"Hey Rude, let's go. Got some work to do tomorrow." I turn away. My body stiffens up as I walk. Lane follows. I hope Rude does as well. He's caught up in his emotions again. Rude's eyes glued to the sky, I'm too afraid to look back at him.
"You don't work, Reno, you bum around." Lane shoots at me. I glance at her - challence emanates from her eyes. I don't really feel like putting up with her shit right now. She can be annoying, so very annoying.
"Your tongue is so sharp, slashing me so hard I'm bleeding, Elena." I shoot back at her. I don't give a shit, I wish she'd just see that. Stupid--- bitch.
"Thank you. Bum." she says, seeing she won't find her bashing-opponent tonight from me. The little-- annoying.. Sweet Christ no, don't let me do anything hazardous or hurting to my dear little blond sweetness... Goddamnit, Rude..
"RUDE! C'mon!" I shout. He moves his eyes away from the sky, right at mine. We stare at each other, his eyes are telling me something, but mine won't reply. For a moment I feel like a hollow shell, an empty core, with no use. We don't see things the way we used to, we don't, Rude. Neither of us. Elena's eyes seem to be watering.
"Let's go, Rude.. Come on.." she begs. I sigh. Yes, Rude, come with us. We have no hope left here, we've got no hope nowhere. So let's go. Let's just leave.
He takes a step forward, then another. I feel relieved. I glance at the sky, the stupid, huge, dark sky and keep walking.
Brothers and Sisters. Turks 'til the end. I know I won't live for long, I know none of us will. But we don't care. We just want to go on, try to hold on to our small shreds of life. Insecure, fucked up, insane, unsure and carrying our weapons like they were the most sacred possesions to us. We dream awake.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The ---- markings mean that this is when Reno's, err, another, more violent, less human, more cruel version becomes the dominating part of him. Just wanted to clear that out. Anyway, comments, suggestions..? Elena's POV will be coming up. Be patient.