Useful Waste
By Vera Priscaleth
Disclaimer : Elena, the Turks and Midgar belong to Squaresoft, not me. This is FANfiction, just a tribute.
A/N: Final chapter of my Turks-trilogy called "Brothers And Sisters". I do consider this series the best series I've written and all of these stories one of the best pieces of fanfiction and fiction in general that I've written. I'm proud, but I do understand I can evolve, so send me thoughts and ideas, comments and constructive criticism. This chapter is from Elena's POV. You don't need to read the other parts of "Brothers and Sisters" in order to understand "Useful Waste", but if you liked this, you'll like those as well. So do also read Insane Healthy and Veracious Lies.
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I could feel the heat that night. The smoke, the talk, the clinks of the glasses hitting together. It was a calm, yet aggressive environment and I felt like it was home. No, I didn't know everyone in this lousy joint they dare call a bar. I didn't know a single person here. I didn't even know myself. Still this was my home, my place and my unfortunate playground. I didn't think I'd end up here, but hell, I ain't judging anyone. It's like Rude taught me; there's underground and the common folk and the rich bastards. The underground and the rich bastards play the same game, dirty rules and it could cost you your life, but you play it anyway. The common folk know, but they stay away. For their own safety, naturally. I could've stayed away too, you know. I could've become a shopkeeper, a showgirl, a cleaning lady, anything.
And I don't know why I decided to come here, among the sly underground people and the vicious rich folk. We're in between, working for the rich folk and interfering the underground. It was exciting. Maybe that's why.
I was slightly hyper again that night. It happens when I take a little alcohol. I always decide I'm not going to drink, but then Reno offers me one and since I love this cheery, happy state of mind alcohol always gets me to, I take another, and another. Before I know it I'm giggling, cracking up jokes and poking at my fellow Turks. I'm taking it day by day and today it's my day and I'm living it to the limit. At least I hope I am.
Leaving aside all negative thoughts, I glance at Reno smoking a cigarette, glaring at Rude, who is a million miles away. Rude is so distant at times, you just can't tell what he's thinking. But he is a wonderful person, I just know it. And he has so much faith in me. He's like a big brother to me, a truly special person.
They both are. I am a part. And I love being a part of this. I can't do some things, but we can do anything. Together. Yet we stand alone, we carry our own burdens and we cannot rely on each other on everything.
I love to mess with Reno. I try to stub out his cigarette and throw it to his beer, but I fail miserably as he notices my actions. I giggle and he gives me a sarcastic smile. For a second there I detect some kind of sadness in his eyes, but then it's gone and his eyes are empty again. He looks at Rude and takes a sip of his beer. The moment is swished away. And I feel lonely.
"Another one, please," I tell the waiter and she glances at me with pity. The story of my life seems complete now. I have sunk deep down and I have no one. No friends, no family, no lover. I gulp down my shot. Reno glances at me, I grin at him. I'm disappointed of him, of Rude, of the whole goddamn system and mostly, of myself. My head weights a ton and I feel sleepy. What if I'd just die here, huh? How would you like that? How would you? Rude has his arms folded on the table, behind his glass and his face doesn't let me know anything. I'm still giggling, sometimes silently, sometimes a little louder. What am I faking? Why am I faking? Suddenly I don't feel like it anymore.
I think of myself as a ship. Fuck no, of course I don't look at myself and see a ship, I'm just fucking drunk and need a half-decent metaphor. Alright, so here goes nothing. I sail from an island to another. I ran into storms, I get off-course. I sail to an odd island. But while on the dock, I fall in love with the strange isle so much I decide to stay. And while I stay, my ship slowly submerges in the dock.
While thinking about the ship-thing, my vision turns blurry and I decide it's best if I close my eyes. Soon I'm knocked out by my own pathetic, drunk state. And I loathe myself so deeply. I let things get out of hand, because I wish someone would be there to say something. Elena, stop it. Elena, don't do that. Elena, let me help you. The reasons I left home in the first place are the reasons I want back. I can't handle it out here. I'm weak. Someone save me. Anyone.
Reno carries me. Well, sort of. He supports me. But not for long.
I fall, the ground is damp and cold and hard. I moan, and once again my vision is blurred, this time by tears. I curse and whine, Reno ignores me, I want to kill him, I don't feel like that often, but right now I really could.
All the sickness is released on the ground. I just keep throwing up and my eyes are pouring as well. It's embarrassing.
"For fuck's sake, Rude! Would you look at her now!" Reno's disgusting voice says. I feel like passing out, letting go. I struggle, for this one time only, I promise myself.
"Elena, I told you not to drink that vodka, it's your own fucking fault." Reno couldn't be more right, I have to admit. And I feel so pointless being there. I'm convinced my life will end so very soon and he'll be there to witness it and he'll be so sorry he ever said that to me, he'll be so sorry he never…
"…loved me." I sob out the last words of the sentence on my mind. I feel even more pathetic. He doesn't hear me. Naturally.
And I wonder where Rude is. But no, of course he wouldn't care. Why should he? I'm so disgusted by myself I decide to get up and kick Reno's balls in. Just for fun. The ground is shaky and my vision is a little blur, but I can see the smoke from Reno's cigarette and his navy-blue suit and Rude's dark glasses and his big figure in the background, staring into the starry sky. I feel close with him, but right now, I just want to punch the both of them.
"Damn you!" I shriek and direct my punch somewhere close to his face. I don't hit him, I just happen to loose my balance and fall on the ground again. Reno laughs. Yes, it is kind of funny. I am a mess up. A screw up. He helps me up.
But I have to let it out. Suddenly, at the most inappropriate moment, I burst into tears. And I feel so useless again. Just like before. Nothing has changed, I'll still jump off a cliff and I still have that nasty way of seeing myself in the mirror and I'll still… Still…
"We should do this another time." Reno's words struck me and I take my hands off my face. He's looking at Rude, who's staring into the night sky. For a moment I look at the sky as well. It feels wonderful, promising. Out there, out there somewhere, there's everything and anything and we're just down here. And I want to be away. Just be away. I sniffle.
"We do it too many times," I say and move closer to Reno's comforting form. His cigarette is slowly burning between his fingers and his expression is soft. I wrap my arms around his waist and just hold him like that. It feels comforting. We're one right now. Not just us two, but Rude also. The three of us. Against anything. He puts his arms around me as well. The warmth.
"Lane, are you coming onto me?" he asks, grinning. A small part of me begins to shake nervously. The rest of me is calm. Concerned maybe, but calm.
"You wish," is my automatic reply. I'm unreachable, the ice-princess, the ball queen without her king. She needs no king. She wants no king.
But I look at Reno and for a moment, a second maybe, there is something. A connection, a bond, a click. It's almost frightening, but it's also strangely wonderful. I don't feel like such a stranger anymore. I smile a little. His eyes widen; this sharp look that cuts through me. I'm nearly scared. I love this man. With a huge contradiction.
We let go, it's what we have to do. I clear my throat and give him a look. Business is business. We do business.
"Hey Rude, let's go. Got some work to do tomorrow." Rude doesn't seem to notice Reno's words, but still Reno decides to walk away. I follow him, silent, small steps into the unknown. Rude doesn't follow us. I don't look back on him, I just can't. I try to ease the tension.
"You don't work, Reno, you bum around."
An obvious mistake I was willing to make. He'll hate me for it and I don't care.
"Your tongue is so sharp, slashing me so hard I'm bleeding, Elena," follows Reno's sarcastic response. I wasn't in the mood, neither was he. Topic discussed, time to retire. A thought of eternal retirement, letting go, slipping away, crossed my mind… I shake it away. Fast.
"Thank you. Bum." And that is the end of that conversation. My biggest concern was nine feet behind us.
"RUDE! C'mon!" Reno shouts at him. Rude wakes up from his long trance and they share an intense look. Reno seems to feel chills going down his spine, and he shakes a little. I stir and take action. Rude needed to come with us. Now. I feel fragile and scared. My vision is blurred by tears and my voice is only slightly louder than a whisper…
"Let's go, Rude.. Come on.." I beg silently. We had to leave, didn't he understand?
He takes a step forward, another. On six feet we continue our journey towards nowhere.
Brothers and Sisters. Turks 'til the end. And we'll encounter others and they will not understand. No one will. We don't understand either, that's what's so strange about it. We think too much, we think too little. We fight and try to settle ourselves, make peace with our own raging minds. Life is not a battle, we don't know what life is. We destroy ourselves, we save each other. So maybe that's why we keep going. We fear.
No need to worry I am just another monster. In you, I'll see me, in the secret show…
AFI ~ of greetings and goodbyes