The Eighth Deadly Sin…Late Night Infomercials!
Author Chick's Notes: I have only one thing to say for this…Blame Annie O's mate who thought we were docile! (obviously never read any of my shite has she? ^^) Rating would have to be at the very least R just for the crude-ness of the thing. (cackles her way off to the nut house) And yes, I am this bad when I watch telly too…we all are admit it!
The Eighth Deadly Sin…Late Night Infomercials!
It was well past the time when any normal human being should be asleep. Well most people, normal was seen as an objective term at best, around the base. And for once the one person notorious for not being able to sleep, was sleeping like a baby, unfortunately for his sleepless roommate.
"Dude's normally a friggin' insomniac, but Nooooooooooooooo! Takes one Tylenol PM and he's sleeping better then Michael Jackson's career!" Sci-Fi groused as he stumbled into the rec room with a steaming cup of coffee. After placing his coffee down on the table he flopped down on the couch and turned on the television.
"Crap…Crap…Crap…More crap…Oh hello!" He said as he flipped through channels. On the screen was a barely dressed woman, who appeared more then familiar with silicon and all of its benefits for the human form. "Oh please babe, sneeze." Sci-Fi begged the image on TV. Of course she didn't, but he was content to watch her bounce every time she ended a sentence…then he started to laugh, he had heard enough of the program to know what it was about.
"…That's right Jennifer! My guy used it and oh my god! Our relationship hasn't been this good since, well ever really!" The bubbly silicon enhanced brunette chirped. The scene then switched to 'Jennifer', and Sci-fi got really interested.
"Oh god…let me introduce you two to olive oil and wrestling!" He laughed when he got a good look at the blonde that was now doing her plug for whatever they were selling.
"That's great Misty." 'Jennifer' said in an artificial way, before turning to face the camera and promote some miracle product that could save all of mankind..
"Fake!" Sci-Fi said at the screen. "The dialog blows but then the 'Bodies by Frankenstein' ain't to bad." He added as he listened to the sterile pitch.
"You heard the wonderful, amazing results Misty got when her guy used this fabulous product, now here are some testimonies from actual customers, who have also been amazed by the results they've seen from using 'Attention'." Sci-Fi was about to switch channels when the first 'satisfied customer' came on.
The man bragged like a high school jock, about how he had his woman pleased for hours on end with his newfound prowess in bed. A few others came on and Sci-Fi could see their eyes dart to the side as if reading from a cue card, when the last one came on. Dressed in military fatigues, the buzz-cut dude grinned like a maniac as he too told of how wonderful the stuff was. It was the catch line he used that got the gears grinding in Sci-Fi's head. "Yes Ma'am, they should call this stuff 'Atten-HUT!', because you are for hours on end by using it!"
Sci-Fi counted off on his fingers before grinning at the TV. "There are well over a hundred people stationed here, and I have enough fingers to count how many of them AIN'T men." He laughed as he picked up the phone. "We haven't had a good ruining of inspection in ages!" He laughed as he waited for his call to be answered. A nasal voice answered the call and Sci-Fi placed his order. "Yeah I'd like two of the bargain specials for 'Attention' please?"
He grinned as he gave the operator his name and credit card number, which he had memorized for just such an emergency. "Oh! I'm currently working away from home could you please send it to another address?" He asked as his idea fine-tuned itself in his head. The operator obliged and he gave her the address of his sister. "Yes I'd love to have it shipped today." He answered when the woman on the other end asked if he'd like it within two days.
After confirming all of the information, he hung up then dialed his sister's cell phone number.
"Mmmm hello?" He heard a very groggy woman answer.
"Hey Ava? I have a massive favor to ask of you." Sci-Fi replied.
"Sea? It's like two in the morning, what the hell is so important that you need to call me now?" His sister asked, sounding a little more alert. Sci-Fi told her about the infomercial and his plans and how he had the operator send the order to her. "You are gonna get so busted you realize this right?" She laughed after he had told her his idea.
"In any other outfit, I'd have been playing rock hockey in Leavenworth ages ago! However there are people here who make me look sane." He explained. "Besides, that's why I had it sent to you. You repack it and send here to me, that way no one is the wiser. There's a hundred bucks in it for you too, if you do this." Sci-Fi offered in an effort to get his sister's complete cooperation.
"Oh don't worry baby bro, you don't need to sell me on the idea, I just want to hear how bad it turns out." She laughed over the phone. "But you screwed up bro. They can always check phone records and see who called any 1-800 numbers." She said.
"This is true. However, they don't get my cell phone bill, so they can't check it can they?" He retorted.
"You are so bad!" She laughed. "It's okay Mom it's just your son being a pain in the ass." Sci-Fi heard his sister say.
"Hi Mom!" He said over the phone.
"He says 'Hi'." He heard her relay. He then heard a shuffling sound and the voice of his mother.
"It is late as all hell you realize this right?" Sci-Fi's mother chastised her son.
Sci-Fi rolled his eyes. "Yes mother. However I am planning evil and I need your daughter's, not to mention my twin's help." He said, he could hear his sister telling the plan to his mother in the background.
"I knew you were bound for hell kiddo, but damn! At this rate you'll own the place in a week!" Sci-Fi's mother laughed over the phone. The two talked for a few more moments before hanging up. Sci-Fi yawned and decided to try for sleep again. Provided Low Light wasn't snoring as loud as he had been earlier.
A week later, a package arrived for Sci-Fi from his sister. Sparks didn't notice the wicked gleam in the laser trooper's eyes as he tucked it under his arm and went to his quarters to set part two of his plan into motion. Inspection was coming up in a week. A full dress one no less with other brass attending. Hawk was in a slightly bragging mood and wanted to show off the troops to some of his peers. The general's attitude of late was rubbing more then a few individuals the wrong way and Sci-Fi saw the perfect opportunity to deflate the good general's ego a little.
Grateful that 'Attention' came in capsule form, he a bottle of them open and began collecting the powder together. He had a small sandwich bag full of it within a half hour and he began planning how to slip it, unsuspectingly on his fellow male Joes. After going through a few different ideas, one hit like a freight train. "Butter!" He grinned, knowing it was the only substance on base that most if not all of them consumed on a daily basis.
It was easy to get KP duty for a minor infraction, the evening before the inspection. Sci-Fi took his time with the dishes until he was the only person left in the cafeteria. Quickly finishing off his chore, he reached into his pocket and got out the powder he had collected. Knowing how the cook always went through an entire container of butter-like substance, with just breakfast alone, he blended the powder into the first container he saw. He took a tiny taste afterwards and was thrilled that it hadn't affected the overall taste of the butter. Grinning, Sci-Fi placed the container back into the refrigerator where the cook would no doubt grab it in a few hours.
Revellie was answered with more then a few muttered curses the following morning. Sure enough for the inspection, it had been called an hour earlier then normal. Plenty of time for the Joes to get breakfast, and then get ready to impress the brass. Sci-Fi had already decided to be a willing participant in his own prank, as he lathered his toast with butter. "Best not to look obvious." He said to himself as he dived into breakfast along with the rest of the team. He noticed a few of the women glaring into their coffee cups and was grateful that the stuff supposedly had no effect on them. His fellow males however were in for a nasty surprise, judging by the way they all devoured their food.
Back in their shared room, Sci-Fi and Low Light were getting dressed in their dress uniforms for the inspection. Sci-Fi was making sure there was no hint of dust on his jacket when he heard Low Light muttering from the bathroom. "What the fuck?" Sci-Fi grinned knowing full well what Low Light was swearing about. He fought to wipe the smirk off his face when Low Light came out. Low Light looked over at him and thought better of changing in the room, instead he took his uniform back into the bathroom and got dressed there.
Sci-Fi meanwhile was mentally praising himself for his poker face as he too got dressed. Fifteen minutes later the entire Joe team were present and accounted for on the main Parade Grounds. Sci-Fi saw more then a few embarrassed blushes as well as some who seemed to be taking everything in stride.
Duke stepped forward to the front of the group. "Atten-HUT!" He ordered. Sci-Fi's shoulders heaved forward as some of the more comedic members of the Joe Team started howling in laughter. The more reserved members of the team blushed profusely instead at Duke's bellowed command. Duke himself shifted a little every few seconds from discomfort. It became obvious to him that he wasn't the only one suffering from the double meaning of the command. He knew then that someone had pulled the mother of inspection pranks, one for the history books for sure.
Looking over his shoulder to see Hawk in the distance greeting several other generals, he turned back to the team and muttered just loud enough for them to hear what he as saying. "I find out which one of you assholes did this and I'm going to personally skin you alive!" The women all had shocked looks on their faces when they heard Duke. Scarlet narrowed her eyes and made a mental note to have a little chat with him in private later.
Lady Jaye was about to question Duke when she heard Cover Girl giggle beside her. Making sure Duke couldn't see her she leaned over and asked what Cover Girl found so funny. Cover Girl quickly whispered in her ear what she had noticed, and Lady Jaye found herself looking at the few men near her. She knew she had smeared her lipstick a little when she bit down on her lip to keep from bursting out laughing.
It took the two no time at all, to let the rest of their sisters know what Duke was furious about. Jinx nearly blew their cover when she snorted a laugh but she managed somehow to keep it in. She also made a mental note to herself, find out whoever did it and thank them profusely.
Airtight was struggling to keep his laughter under control when he saw Hawk coming towards them. He noticed Hawk was behind the small gathering and doubled over in laughter. Short Fuze elbowed him to get control of himself but Airtight was gone. The generals approached the team and ordered them to stand at attention. Airtight, who had resorted to holding his breath, struggled to remain motionless as the generals walked the ranks and inspected each Joe.
The brass had only gotten to the second row of ten, when the highest ranking one turned to Hawk. "I'd like to see you in your office…NOW!" He bellowed as he led the other generals away. Hawk had uttered a small 'yes sir' and turned for the main building, but not before shooting a deadly glare at some of the practical jokers in the crowd.
Duke assumed command of the team again at the front of the gathering and dismissed them. "Get out of my sight!" He ordered as he stormed off to his own office. Airtight lost complete use of himself and was folded down on the ground in hysterics. Tunnel Rat, who had done a much more admirable job then his teammate, finally succumbed to laughter as well.
Doc turned to them and spoke up. "I swear! I find out what and who and Duke's going to have to take a number because I'm gonna kill you deader then dead!" He vowed as he stormed off to the infirmary.
Meanwhile in Hawk's office. Hawk had held the door open for the other generals to enter before him. It was a mistake, a fatal mistake. Sci-Fi had slipped in with an empty bottle of the arousal stimulant and had placed it on his desk the previous evening. At least now the generals all knew why the Joes had been so fidgety. "Mind explaining this Clay?" The top ranking one asked, holding up the bottle.
Hawk raised his gazed to the ceiling and swore under his breath. "I'm gonna kill 'em, I am gonna fucking murder 'em." Lowering his gaze back to his fellow officers he explained his unit's tendency for practical jokes. "My only problem is, they're a) very good at it. And b) cover their tracks better then a ghost.
The top ranking general laughed as he put the bottle back down on the desk. "Yes I've heard of this bunch." The portly man snickered. "I'd give the whole unit hell for a while…"
"Won't work, I've tried it." Hawk interrupted, knowing what the man was going to suggest. "They won't cave no matter what. Guess that's why they're so good at what they do." Hawk explained. "I swear if I ever find out which one of them pulled this stunt I'm going to eviscerate them." He muttered under his breath.
While Hawk was getting let off the hook by his peers Low Light was attempting to use every method possible to calm himself down. Sci-Fi heard him swearing through the bathroom door and smirked to himself. "Yep. Damn television just rots the brain it does." He laughed as he patted his pillow where the rest of the 'amazing must have product' was hidden.
The End.