[New Haven Airport : 2:00p.m.]
Dan walked off the small plane into the airport, barely able to see what he was doing. In the three hours since Isaac had told him, Dan had done nothing but think. He'd thought more in the past three hours than he'd probably thought in the past year. All that thinking and it all came down to one thing: His father could have died, and his father could still die. Lost in thought he didn't hear his name being called, he didn't even realized he'd sat in the nearest chair he'd stumbled to. All he knew was that his father had a heart attack and the last words he'd spoken to him had been yelled in bitter bursts and angry lashes.
"Danny, hey, you alright man?"
Dan looked up and blinked several times at the man standing before him. "Davey?"
David Rydell sat beside his younger brother and put his arm around him. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
Dan let out a half laugh. "I'm a little shocked is all." He mentally shook himself and looked at David. Smiling widely he hit his brother in the leg. "How've you been man? What's it been, five years?"
David smiled sadly. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that… London's far away, you know?"
Dan nodded, standing. "Sure, yeah. That's no problem."
David smiled and put his arm around Dan. "I watch you every night though."
Dan laughed. "In London?"
David nodded. "I have a lot of money, little brother. I have my ways."
Dan laughed. "Yeah… I forget."
David stood. "You know I love you… even though I'm not here, right? You know that right?"
Dan nodded and felt his own tears come to his eyes. "I know Davey." He said, hugging him. Pulling back he took a deep breath. "So? How is he?"
David shrugged. "I'm not sure… I've been avoiding it."
Dan nodded. "How'd you know I was going to be here?"
"Your boss called the hospital and told Mom the flight information. She called me at the house, where I was hiding out, and told me." David smiled. "You've really got a family back there in New York don't you?"
Dan smiled. "I really do."
"I guess I've avoided him long enough… we should go." David said a little reluctantly.
"Is Jen here? Was she able to get out of work?" He asked about their middle sister who lived in San Francisco.
David nodded. "Yeah, she'll be here tonight. She said seven."
"How long has it been since you saw Dad?" Dan asked him as they started walking out of the airport. Danny hadn't packed any bags so they just headed straight out to the garage.
David shrugged. "The last time we were all together, man. The Chanukah after Sammy died."
Dan looked down. "I'm sorry."
David looked at him strangely. "Sorry for what?"
"For pushing you away from Dad."
David shook his head. "Dad did that on his own. One, he was never that nice of a guy, Danny. Never, not before Sammy died and especially not after. Two, I saw the way he treated you about Sammy… and Three, well… I don't know, he's never accepted me, and I just decided forget that, you know? Just forget him." He smiled slightly and laughed sarcastically. "And now he's lying in a hospital bed and I'm supposed to go say 'hey Dad, I love you, get better' when I haven't spoken to him in thirteen years."
"You haven't even spoken to him?" Dan asked, slightly surprised.
"No. Not really, not well. Only a happy birthday here, or a 'Did you catch the Orioles?' type of question. No, the only real conversations I've had with the family has been to Mom… and you and Jen."
Dan shook his head. "I can't believe I never realized."
"Well, Danny, it's not like it's something I talk about too much. And, it's not like he'd ever talk about it. It probably didn't even faze him. He was probably glad to not have the hassle. One less son to have to make idle chatter with."
Danny laughed slightly as they stepped into their parents' Suburban David had driven. "He's always had a way about him that makes you feel like a business associate, doesn't he."
David nodded, looking at Dan. "So, how are you… with this? I mean, you were always more sensitive about him."
Dan nodded. "I don't know… I saw him two days ago, and man, did we have it out."
David smiled. "Really man? You finally gave it to the old man?"
Dan nodded, uncomfortable. "Yeah, I told him that he had to forgive me for Sam, and if he couldn't then…"
"God Damnit Danny, there's nothing to forgive." David said vehemently. "That's why I fucking hate him, Danny… he's really made you think you're responsible for Sammy, and that was Sammy! You were as responsible for him as I was, as Mom was, and as Dad was… and actually, Mom and Dad are more responsible cause hey, they're his Mom and Dad!"
Dan laughed slightly. "Alright man, calm down."
"So, what else did you say? What'd he say?"
"Well, he kept telling me to calm down, and 'we'll talk later' and I was like, when are we EVER alone for us to talk? Anyway, I told him if he couldn't forgive me for whatever he hated me for, then I was just going to have to let go of whatever it is I've been holding onto for thirteen years. I said he needed to let go of Sammy, that I knew he wished it were me that died instead of Sammy, but that I'm still here and that I'm still his son." Dan smiled sadly.
"Fucking A Right Danny!" David said, smiling. "I'm so proud of you kid! He must have had a heart atta…" David's voice trailed off as he realized what he said.
Dan nodded, his eyes filling with tears. "And Dan strikes again."
David looked at him in concern. "Danny, that's not what I meant." He said quietly, putting hand on Dan's knee and squeezing.
"You know what the last thing I said to him was Davey?" Dan said, closing his eyes and leaning his head against the seat. "You're as dead to me as I am to you." He laughed hollowly. "And now I just might be right."
[NY : Casey & Dan's office : 2:30p.m.]Casey was sitting at his desk typing his script for that nights show, taking on Dan's half as well as his own until Bobbie Bernstein arrived. He looked up, startled, as Natalie barged in. "Casey," she said, out of breath. "Come have lunch with me."
He closed the laptop computer and looked at her, his head cocked to one side. "What?"
She sat down across from him. "Come have lunch with me."
"Why?" He asked, her tone telling him something was bugging her. "Are you alright, Natalie?"
She shook her head. "Not really.. Casey, I need to talk… I want you to come have lunch with me."
"Why can't you just tell…"
"I can't tell you here, Casey, cause this is something no one else can hear. The rumor mill at CSC works way too overtime to tell you this here. The next thing I'd know was that Kim overheard, told Elliot, who told Dave, who told Jeremy, who told Dana, who told…"
"Okay, okay…" Casey said, laughing slightly. He stood and put on his jacket. "Okay, Anthony's?"
She nodded. "Yes, I'll meet you there in fifteen minutes."
Casey watched her with an odd expression on his face as she fled out of his office and wondered what it was she had to tell him that was so important and so secretive. Shaking his head he decided that he would find out soon enough and he headed to Anthony's.
[NY : Tony Anthony's : 2:50p.m.]
"Sorry I'm late." Natalie said, out of breath as she joined Casey at the tall tables in the middle section of Tony Anthony's.
He nodded, taking a sip of his ice-cold beer. "Sure, what's up?"
She smiled, sitting down. "So, how are you Casey? We never hang out enough, do we?"
He looked at her. "I'm fine, but that's neither here nor there… Natalie…."
"Jack… Bud Light please?" She called to their faithful bartender.
"Sure thing Natalie…" He called back, disappearing in the back.
She turned back to Casey. "Okay… Okay, Casey… can I talk to you please?" She asked, her face uncharacteristically screwed up in a nervous expression.
Casey took a deep breath. "Are you okay, Natalie?"
She laughed and touched his hands. "Sure, I'm fine Casey. It's not that. I'm not sick, I'm not in trouble… You're not in trouble…"
Casey's nerves calmed slightly. "Then, of course you can talk to me Nat… what is it?"
"It's about Dan…"
Casey choked a little on his sip of beer. "Uh, Nat… wouldn't you feel more comfortable talking to Dana…."
She shook her head. "No, no Casey, I really wouldn't feel more comfortable talking to Dana on this particular matter. She'd make judgments and decisions… and I know that Dan's already told you, so…"
"Dan's told me nothing of the…"
Natalie gave him a reproaching look. "Oh, please Casey… he tells you everything."
"Well, it could be said that you tell Dana everything, and you obviously haven't, so…."
"Okay.. okay, you're right, I haven't told Dana, and normally I would have, but… these are extenuating circumstances…" She looked at him. "But you know."
"I don't…" he said, unable to look at her.
She laughed. "You do know, I know you know. I know you know for three reasons. For one, you can't even look at me. For two, we've been able to skirt around the issue without you getting confused for one second. And for three… I can read you. I can read you and I can read Dan, and he told you the day after it happened. I know that as surely as I know my own name."
Casey finally sighed and conceded. "Yes, Natalie, I know. I know that you and Dan slept together."
She nodded. "And you know that he claims he loves me."
Casey nodded. "He did mention that too."
"And you know that he told me in the park last night after you left."
Casey sat his beer down. "Yes, Natalie… I do know.. I know all that. Why are you telling me if you know I already know."
She bit her lip. "Cause, Casey… I'm confused."
He shook his head. "You're not. Everything you just said, it's true. And you said it, so you know it, just as well as I do."
She shook her head and took the beer that Jack brought over at that moment. "Except for how I feel… that I don't know."
Casey shrugged. "That's the one area I can't help you in, Natalie. I don't know how you feel. I only know that Dan loves you."
She nodded, her eyes glazing over slightly, as though she were in another world. As though she weren't speaking to Casey even… like she was speaking to herself. "Yes… he claims he loves me… he thinks he loves me…"
"No, Natalie, he loves you. He doesn't claim it, he doesn't think it… he does." Casey said confidently. "That I know as surely as I know my own name." He said, echoing Natalie's earlier statement.
She looked up then, catching his eyes. "Yeah?"
Casey nodded, taking the last swig of his beer. "Natalie, I've seen Danny in love. I know what it looks like… I've been in love, and the expression on his face when he's thinking about you, or talking about you, over the past two days… it's love Natalie. It's plain as day. Dan's always worn his heart on his sleeve, Nat… I don't know how you've missed it."
She looked away again and took a big swig of her own beer. "Yeah," she said, mumbling to herself. "Okay."
"Natalie? I gotta ask… do you feel the same?"
She looked at him again, uncertainty in her eyes. "Two days ago I would have said no. I would have laughed at the absurdity of it. I would have thought you were insane."
"And now?" He asked.
"Now?" She shrugged, tears coming to her eyes. "Now I don't know… but I'm not laughing… and I'm not thinking you're insane."
"Now it doesn't seem so absurd, does it?"
She shook her head. "No… now it seems… I don't know, but it doesn't seem absurd."
[New Haven General : 3:00p.m.]"Danny?"
He turned to see his mom a few feet away, holding herself up against a doorframe. "Mom," he stated, striding over to her and hugging her to him.
"Where's David?" She asked as he pulled away.
"Parking the car… Mom.. how is.."
She took a deep breath. "He had a massive coronary… he's in ICU and they won't let me see him yet.. but they said that he's temporarily stable, and that he drifts in and out of consciousness."
Dan took a deep breath. "Okay… so that's good huh?"
She nodded and turned around to stare once again down the hall where Dan's dad apparently occupied a bed. "Yeah, I guess."
"Mom… what happened?"
She shrugged. All I know is that he got home yesterday, didn't speak to me all day, and then, at four o'clock, I'm waking up to him…. Panting and… and…."
He pulled her to him in a hug and tried his best to reassure her. "Mom, he'll be okay… he's to ornery to die on us…"
She laughed slightly and leaned into him. "Yeah, you're probably right. He'll survive if only to give us more grief."
Dan laughed and followed her gaze to where David had shown up, his arm around a brunette, walking towards them. Dan smiled the easiest smile he'd smiled in days and went over to them. He opened his arms and she fell into them, smiling. "Hey, Jen." He mumbled into her dark tendrils.
She leaned back and kissed him on the cheek. "Hey buddy." She said, a sad smile on her face.
He looked at her and lowered his voice. "How's Sarah?"
She smiled widely that time. "Sarah's great…we're great." She said, referring to her girlfriend back in San Francisco.
He nodded and let her go to their mother. He sat down next to David, who was sitting stiffly in one of the uncomfortable blue hospital chairs, tapping his feet impatiently on the floor. "I fucking hate hospitals." David said quietly.
Dan nodded silently, looking around. The last time he'd been in this waiting room was the night Sam had died. He would venture to guess that he was definitely not the only one thinking about Sammy at that moment as he looked at his family. His sister and mother talking quietly, heads bent together, arms around each other. He and David sitting on the aforementioned blue chairs from hell. He looked at David and raised his eyebrows.
"You too huh?" David said, smiling slightly. "Yeah, I've been thinking about him all day."
Dan nodded, blinking. "It was the last time I was in here."
David nodded. "Me too… I've made it a habit to not come back here."
Jennifer made her way over to them and sat next to Dan. She looped her arm through his and rested her head on his shoulder. "How've ya been?" She asked.
He shrugged. "I've been alright."
She smiled. "You look good, Danny." She frowned slightly. "Aside from the bags under your eyes."
He laughed slightly. "Yeah, thanks."
She laughed. "Hey, I'm just saying…"
"Yeah, I know."
David leaned over to her. "So, did you tell Dad about Sarah? Is that why he's here?" He asked with a slight smirk.
She gave him a mock loathsome look. "Fuck you."
He laughed. "I was just wondering."
"You know, he called me yesterday afternoon. It was very strange." She said, sitting up.
"Yeah?" Dan asked. "What was so strange about it? He calls you a lot more often than me… or David apparently."
She frowned. "Yeah, but what was so strange was that he called me from a plane."
David looked at Dan and then back to Jennifer. "Oh yeah? What'd he say?" Dan looked at her, wondering that himself.
"He asked me if he ever made me feel like he didn't love me."
Dan barely contained his gasp at that. "What?"
She nodded. "I said I always knew he did, but yeah, sometimes he did make me feel like he didn't love me." Tears came to her eyes. "I was kinda thinking maybe that had something to do with…"
Dan put his arm around her, heaving a big sigh. "No, Jen, if anyone was the cause of this, it was me."
"No it wasn't, man. He did this to himself." David said adamantly.
"You?" Jennifer asked Dan, looking at him. "Why?"
"He finally told the prick off Jen." David said, smiling at Dan.
Dan looked at him, not sure just how to react. "Dude, he's laying down that hall right now, at deaths door… do you have to call him a prick?"
David shrugged. "He is what he is Danny. I didn't make him that way, he did."
"Well," Jennifer said, ignoring the argument. "For what it's worth Danny, I'm glad you did. It was way too long in coming."
Dan looked at her. "Yeah? You thought so too?"
She nodded. "Yeah, he treated you like shit." She smiled and squeezed his arm. "What made you finally do it?"
Dan shrugged. "I guess I'd just finally had enough." He looked at their mother standing a few feet away and became distinctly uncomfortable. "Can we not talk about this right now? Right here?"
"Sure baby." Jen said, resting her head back down. "That explains the call at least."
David stood up and started to pace. "Okay, this not knowing is fucking killing me…." He said, laughing shortly.
Dan watched him, wondering exactly what was going through David's mind at that moment. One minute he looked and talked like he hated him, and the next he was pacing the floor, looking like he was going to burst from tension. But maybe Dan could identify with that myriad of emotions. In fact, yes, Dan could definitely identify with that particular myriad of emotions, for that was what he was experiencing at that very moment as well.
[NY : Dana's office : 5:00p.m.]
"Dana?"
Dana looked up from her pile of paper work and smiled at her friend. "Natatalie!" She said playfully.
"Natatalie?" Natalie asked, laughing.
"What can I say, I'm punchy from so much damn paperwork!" Dana said, motioning to her couch. "Sit! Converse with me, mon frere… no wait… mere? What is sister?"
"Souer."
"Converse with me, mon souer…" Dana crinkled her nose. "Are you sure?"
Natalie laughed. "Dana, I'm sure."
"I could have sworn it was an –ere word."
"No… no, frere is brother, and mere is mother… pere is father if you'd like to know. And voulez vous couche avec moi, se soir, is will you sleep with me tonight!"
Dana frowned. "Natalie, are you hitting on me?"
"No, Dana, we're just having one of our more ridiculous conversations."
Dana nodded, propping her feet on her desk. "And have I told you lately how much I enjoy those?"
"Many, many times," Natalie said, sitting on the black leather couch and turning to look at Dana. "But seriously Dana, can I talk to you?"
Dana frowned and extracted her feet from her desk. "Of course, Natalie." She stood and walked over to the couch. Sitting she added, "Of course you can."
Natalie took a deep breath. "Okay," she said, shaking her head and trying to sort out her thoughts before plunging hip deep into them for Dana to hear. "Okay, but first I need you to promise that you won't judge me. That you won't make judgments about the person I'm about to speak of or me … okay? Can you promise me that?"
Dana nodded. "Of course. Natalie, you're scaring me."
Natalie laughed slightly, deciding to just dive on in. "I slept with Dan."
Dana sat there for a moment, shocked to her core. "You.. o-okay."
Natalie nodded. "Monday night.. after the show."
"You just.. you just… did it? Just like that?"
Natalie shook her head. "Of course we didn't just do it, Dana. It wasn't like I just said, 'Hey Danny, wanna have sex now?' It wasn't planned, it just happened."
Dana nodded slowly. "I'm gonna need more to go on here."
Natalie nodded. "I was about to… So, he was upset Monday right?"
"Uh huh…"
"About his Dad."
"Right, I remember."
Natalie sighed and leaned into the couch. "Well, I forced him to take me to Waffle House so I could cheer him up. We talked a little bit about it there, but he didn't really open up that much until we got back to his place…" She covered her heart and tears sprang to her eyes. "I've never seen so much pain in my life Dana. Never."
Dana nodded, sad. "Parents can do that to you."
Natalie shook her head. "No, it was so much more than that though! He… he blames himself for Sam… for his brother…"
"Oh… Oh, poor Danny…." Dana said, sympathizing.
"And he just.. it's like he broke, right there before my eyes…" Natalie closed her eyes, capturing the heartbreaking image of Danny that night. "He just, broke down.. he was crying, and he couldn't breath… I was scared for him Dana… I didn't know what else to do so…"
"You kissed him…"
Natalie nodded. "I kissed him… and it helped…. So… well, brilliant me decided that if a kiss could help, then maybe sex could heal…"
"Oh god, Natalie…"
"So I slept with him."
Dana shook her head. "Was he upset?"
"I left before he woke up."
Dana shook her head again. "Well, you shouldn't have done that." Dana put her hand on Natalie's shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "Is he terribly upset with you?"
Natalie laughed slightly. "Quite the contrary."
"Oh, no." Dana said, jumping to conclusions. "Is he being an asshole about it? Like, expecting more sex?"
Natalie shook her head adamantly. "He's been the perfect gentleman… he's been Danny."
Dana nodded. "I have to admit, I woulda been surprised at anything less."
"But here's the thing, Dana."
"What's the thing?"
Natalie looked at her, her eyes filled with sadness and confusion. "He loves me."
Dana was shocked for the second time that night. "He… loves you?"
Natalie nodded. "He loves me.. he told Casey, and last night, he told me. And then he kissed me."
Dana shook her head. "Natalie, where is all this going…."
"I don't know!" Natalie yelled, standing up. "Dana… Dana, the way he kissed me… it was like… it was so soft, so… so sweet… and yet, so passionate…" She looked at her again, her eyes wide and wild. "Dana, I've never felt a kiss like that before." She closed her eyes. "And the way he looked at me… Dana, his eyes have always floored me, but that night… that night his eyes did things to me I never knew eyes could do."
Dana leaned forward, entranced. "What did they do?"
Natalie searched for the perfect words. "They stripped me… and I don't me in a pervert, let's see what her tits look like sort of way… I mean in a soul bearing, soul searching… straight through to my heart sort of way."
Dana smiled. "Natalie are you saying…"
"I don't know what I'm saying Dana!" Natalie said, frantically pacing back and forth. "I'm so confused right now… but I do know this.. I will never be able to look at Dan the same way again."
Dana nodded. "I have noticed that he's got incredibly soulful eyes."
Natalie nodded. "Incredibly soulful, incredibly sexy… incredible period… he's got the kind of eyes that just make you fall in. Like, if you look for too long, you might get lost." She shook her head. "I've never looked at him that way before though, Dana? Why now?"
Dana shrugged. "I don't know, Natalie. Maybe it's cause it's fall.. maybe it's cause he was in pain.. maybe it's cause it was a Wednesday…. I don't know."
Natalie suddenly stopped pacing. "Oh my god." She said, covering her mouth.
Dana smiled. "Yeah?"
Natalie covered her heart. "Oh my god, Dana…" She smiled then, looking at Dana. "I'm in love with him, Dana… I feel it right here." She said, tapping her chest where her heart lay beneath.
Dana smiled and nodded. "It's about time."
Natalie cocked her head. "What?"
Dana laughed and stood, taking Natalie and hugging her. "I've been knowing for quite some time that you and he had something."
Natalie looked at her. "Why didn't you tell me?!"
Dana laughed. "Cause, it's something you have to realize on your own."
"But I always bugged you about Casey…."
Dana shrugged. "That's different… I knew I loved him, I was just in denial."
Natalie watched Dana calmly return to her desk. "For a while though?"
Dana nodded. "Natalie… who do you go to when you need a pep talk, besides me?"
"Dan..."
"Uh huh… and who do you go to when you're upset, besides me?"
"Dan…"
"And who do you go to when you…"
Natalie raised her hand. "I get the point." She shook her head. "How was I so blind?"
Dana shrugged. "It was only a matter of time, Natalie… when was the right time."
Natalie sank onto the couch. "Huh…" she said, biting her lip. "I guess it's now then, huh?"
Dana nodded. "I guess so."
[New Haven General : ICU : 6:15p.m.]
###
My shadow's shedding skin
and I've been picking
scabs again
I'm down,
digging through
my old muscles
looking for a clue
###
He sat beside his bed, deciding whether to take his hand and prey for his recovery or to get up and run out of there and hop the next plane to New York and back to CSC, where everything made sense and everything was right. He was so torn, sitting next to his father's hospital bed. He looked down at Jay Rydell, sleeping silently in that white hospital garb in the stark white room. He looked so innocent, so peaceful, so un-Jaylike to Dan right then. Not at all like the man that had caused nothing but pain to Dan for the past twelve or more years. Right now he looked almost like an angel. His face was a little pale, a little drawn. Ashen almost. If Dan didn't think about it, he looked dead. And that scared him. Of all the things he felt for Jay Rydell right then, the last thing he wished upon him was death.
###
I've been crawling on my belly
clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
and insecure delusions.
for a piece to cross me over
or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
###
He blinked roughly and took his hand then, unable to look at his face. "Hey, Dad…" he said, mumbling. "So, you are such a god damned bastard you know that?" He laughed slightly then, as much as you can really when you're trying your damndest to keep from crying. "I can't decide if I hate you right now or I love you." He took a deep breath, squeezing his hand. "Don't you fucking die on me man.. not now… not like this…"
"Such language for someone that's a distinguished sports reporter."
Dan looked up with a jerk. "Dad…"
Jay smiled and lifted his hand, looking at their hands intertwined. "I thought I was dead to you…"
"Dad…"
"I thought I was as dead to you and you were to me?" Jay looked at Dan and he was floored by the sadness mirrored in Jay's eyes.
"Dad, I'm sorry…"
###
My shadow
change is coming through my shadow
my shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
my scabs again.
###
Jay laughed slightly. "Don't be."
Dan looked at him. "What?"
"I deserved it."
Dan swallowed several times. "What are you…."
"What a prick I've been to you, Daniel… what an asshole." Jay said, trying to sit up, groaning at the effort.
Dan was unable to speak, only watching his dad's eyes tear up for the first time that he'd ever witnessed. "I…"
"I'm sorry Danny. I'm sorry for the way I've made you feel. I'm sorry for the way I've treated you… and most of all.. I'm sorry I made you doubt my love for you." Jay smiled then and gripped his son's hand. "I never stopped loving you, I just stopped being able to feel it or show it." He took a deep breath. "I was never that good with emotions son… but when Sam died… a big part of me died with him."
Dan nodded. "A big part of me died with him as well, Dad…"
###
I've been crawling on my belly
clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
and insecure delusions.
###
Jay nodded. "I know that.. I knew that… a bigger part of you died than should have, and that is my fault." He closed his eyes. "I know I took it out on you… I made you feel like you were to blame, and I knew that I made you feel that way. It wasn't my intention, but I never saw fit to correct it."
Dan's mouth worked open a few times, nothing able to come out. He felt the tears streaming down his face, and his heart literally felt like it was going to explode. "Dad, I…."
"Let me finish, please, son. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say this again, and I want it to come out right… I need it to come out right."
Dan nodded. "O… Okay…"
"I love you Daniel. As much as I am capable of, I love you." Jay said, his eyes finding Dan's and holding them. "The truth is, I blamed… no.. I blame… myself. For Sammy's death… for… for being so hard on you kids… If I hadn't been so tough on you kids, maybe none of you would have ever turned to drugs and…"
"Dad…"
Jay raised his hand and continued, his voice gruff and raw with unshed tears. "I knew… I knew you were smoking pot.. I knew and I never stopped you. I knew he was smoking pot, and I never stopped him either… I did it myself when I was your age, and frankly… I guess I never put enough stock in it. I guess, I thought… it's a phase.. They'll grow out of it like I did…" He blinked and Dan watched amazed as a tear fell out. "But then it was too late, and I didn't know what to do."
###
I wanna feel the change consume me
feel the outside turning in
I wanna feel the metamorphosis
and cleansing I've endured within
My shadow, my shadow
change is coming
now is my time
Listen to my muscle memory
contemplate what I've been clinging to
forty-six and two ahead of me.
###
Dan swallowed. "Why then… why did you… I mean…"
Jay nodded and squeezed his hand. "Why did I treat you like I did? Because, Danny… I didn't want to be close to anyone ever again. The pain and the guilt that losing Sammy made me feel… I never wanted to have to feel that again… and as wrong as it is.. looking at you, you most of all, made me remember that. You were always the most sensitive kid I ever knew…" He smiled. "And the pain that you were in…selfishly enough, I couldn't handle that… so I just turned it off… Somehow I managed to just turn off all my feelings…" He shook his head angrily. "I don't know how I did that, and I wish to God I hadn't… but I did."
Dan nodded, looking away. "Do you know? Do you know how much that hurt me? How much it hurt to think that you hated me?"
Jay shook his head. "I can imagine… Danny… I can't change that now, but… I'd like to try to start over…"
Dan shook his head. "We can't start over Dad… it's too late for that." He took a deep breath. "We can't take it back, we can't take away twelve years of pain… twelve years Dad! Twelve years of thinking you hated me… twelve years of blaming myself for Sammy… twelve years of thinking… of actually thinking…'it should have been me'…"
Jay looked down and extracted his hand from Dan's. "I'm sorry." He said quietly.
"It's too late to get it back…" Dan shook his head and took in a deep breath. "But we can try to build it back up. We can try to take it from here."
Jay looked up, hope in his eyes. "I'd like that."
###
I choose to live and to
grow, take and give and to
move, learn and love and to
cry, kill and die and to
be paranoid and to
lie, hate and fear and to
do what it takes to move through
I choose to live and to lie, kill and give and to
lie, kill and give and to
die, learn and love and to
do what it takes to step through
###
Dan nodded, breathing in deeply. He looked at his dad and tried to smile. "So, are you okay?"
Jay waved his hand in the air. "Eh… I'm fine."
"You're not fine… you had a heart attack. A massive coronary."
Jay nodded. "I'm aware."
Dan nodded. "But, you're not in pain or anything? You.. I mean, you're gonna be okay?"
Jay nodded. "The doc says I will be. He says if I take it slow, try to eliminate stress… if once I recover I get in shape, I eat well…"
"So basically, not much…" Dan said, laughing slightly.
Jay laughed along with him. "I'm glad you came Danny… thank you for coming."
Dan nodded. "Mad at you or not, I'll always love you Dad."
Jay smiled. "Yeah, I know that much about you."
"May I come in?" Dan's mother said, popping her head in.
Dan smiled at her. "Yeah, Mom, come on in."
Carol stepped in, looking oddly between Dan and Jay. "Did I hear laughter?"
Jay smiled and took Dan's hand again. "Yeah, you did."
Carol smiled and sat down on the bed, looking at Jay. "Well, it's a bout god damned time you stubborn jackass."
Dan looked at his mother in surprise and all three started to laugh.
###
See my shadow changing,
stretching up and over me
soften this old armor.
hoping I can clear the way
by stepping through my shadow
coming out the other side
step into the shadow
forty six and two are just ahead of me.
###
# "46-2" by Tool
Monday[NY : Conference room : 12:10]
"So he's coming back tonight?"
"Yes." Dana said, smiling. "His Dad's out of the hospital and he's doing well, considering."
Natalie sighed with relief. "Good, I'm glad."
Casey shook his head. "Yeah, I don't know what he would have done if he'd died…"
Dana sighed. "Let's try not to think about that."
Casey nodded. "One more thing, Dana, I need to knock off at about 8 to go pick him up at JFK. I'll be back for the show."
Dana nodded and the resumed their work-related meeting then.
[Casey and Dan's office : 4:00p.m.]
"Casey?" Natalie said as she entered his office.
Casey looked up and smiled at her. "He's fine, Natalie… he told me he was fine when I talked to him this morning."
She smiled and sat down before his desk in Dan's roll-around chair. "That's not it."
"What then?" Casey asked, smiling wider.
"Can I go pick him up Casey?" She asked.
Casey nodded. "Sure, if ya want to…"
She nodded, unable to wipe the silly grin off her face that had risen at his affirmative answer.
"What's up Natalie?"
She tried to look nonchalant. "What do you mean, Casey?"
He put his pencil down and leaned forward, "What's up?" he repeated.
Natalie broke out in a grin. "Not a thing, Casey.. not a thing except… well… turns out that I love him."
Casey sat back quickly, slightly taken aback by her blatant admission. "Turns out that way huh?"
"Yep," she said, laughing. "How bout that!"
He laughed. "That's great Natalie… truly, I'm glad."
She nodded, standing. "I love him… and I'm going to tell him, tonight."
[JFK : 8:45 p.m.]
Natalie tapped her feet repetitively against the cold white linoleum in front of gate 23, the very same gate Dan was scheduled to come out of approximately ten minutes ago. They were late, but Natalie had just seen a plane land on the tarmac and turn towards gate 23 and now she was officially nervous. Swallowing she tried to calm her nerves. There really was nothing to be nervous about. Above all things, they were friends, and very deeply so. She adored him and his sense of humor. She loved the way his eyebrows showed his thoughts before his mouth could even begin to wrap itself around the words. These are all things she'd always loved, not just since the realization that she actually loved Dan had surfaced. And besides, a little over five days ago he'd professed his love to her in Central Park at 2 o'clock in the morning… that couldn't have changed in six days. Could it?
She smiled immediately as she saw his familiar form round the corner. He was wearing a dark gray sweater over a white dress shirt. She could tell because he hadn't tucked in the shirt and it stuck adorably out beneath the sweater. His blue jeans were light blue and obviously habitually worn. And, she decided, he'd never looked more adorable.
"Danny!" She called out when he didn't notice her. She smiled widely and waved her hand over her head, picking up the package beside her and standing. "Hey, over here goofy."
He looked tired, exhausted even, but he managed a warm smile that made her heart skip a beat. He trudged over to her and took her in his arms, squeezing her to him tightly. "Hey, you." He said, leaning back and letting her go.
She cleared her throat, momentarily taken over by the emotion he invoked in her as of five days ago. "Uh, oh, so how was your flight?" She said, putting a hand on her stomach, trying to settle it.
He smiled and put his arm around her shoulders amicably. "It was good, let's go… Danny is tired."
"Are you referring to yourself in the third person? Cause, I find that…"
"Annoying? Yes, that's why I did it."
"Danny!" She cried out, hitting him in the stomach as they walked towards baggage claim where the exterior doors were.
He laughed and looked at her oddly. "What's that? A bomb?"
She looked at the small brown package in her left hand. "A bomb Danny? It's a little small for that."
He shrugged. "I dunno… I've seen movies where bombs big enough to explode a building were the size of ping pong balls."
She snorted and rolled her eyes. "Okay, stop…" She said, jumping in front of him and holding her hands out to stop him from continuing walking.
"Geez, Nat, I was kidding… please don't explode me!" He said with mock fright.
She giggled and pushed the package into his chest. "Take it," she said, and he reached up to take it from her. As he did their hands brushed slightly and she had to literally stop herself from jumping at the electricity he gave her with that one touch.
"Ouch!" He said, jumping back. "Static electricity, God what a bitch!"
She started giggling at that and she knew it would be a while before she'd be able to stop. "Open it, Danny! It's a present from me to you." She said, trying to stop laughing.
He smiled and hugged her to him. "You're so adorable." He pushed her slightly away and tried to hand her back the package. "But it's not my birthday yet… so…"
She became serious for a second. "No, but you've, I'm sure, just had a very stressful and taxing weekend, and I want to help… so I got you a present to cheer you up." He smiled again, but this time she saw the tears forming and that almost broke her heart. "Was it bad, Danny?"
He sniffed slightly and shook his head, obviously opting to do the guy thing where you ignore the urge to cry instead of the Danny thing, where your honest with your emotions. And, him being Danny and doing the Danny thing 90% of the time, Natalie decided to let that pass this one time. "Oh, it wasn't that bad…sure, it was stressful, and I thought he was going to die… but all in all, just your average four-day weekend."
"Danny," she said, a doubtful tone in her voice.
"Okay, alright, yes… it was the longest four days in my life, Natalie." He said, sighing heavily and sitting in one of the chairs in the airport bar that they happened to have stopped by.
Natalie sat down next to him and motioned for the waitress to come over. "You want a beer, Danny?"
He nodded his head. "Yeah, you know, that might just hit the spot."
"Two Bud Lights please." She said, smiling at the waitress.
She turned her attention back to Dan and took his hand in hers, smiling supportively at him. "Wanna talk about it?"
He sighed and rolled his head back. "You mean, aside from the fact that I spent the first twenty-four hours worried that he was going to die?"
She sat back slightly. "Hey, if you don't want to talk about it…"
He sat forward and covered her hand that was on his and smiled regretfully. "I'm sorry. Well, first of all… it was a massive coronary… in other words, the class five hurricane of heart attacks…"
"Oh, Danny…"
"But, he pulled out of it, by the grace of God, or whatever.. I don't know." He took a deep breath. "And then, my father cried for the first time in my life."
She looked at him, wide-eyed. "What?"
He closed his eyes then and she knew that he was trying to keep his tears at bay. "He said he loved me… that he was sorry for having treated me the way he did… and that he wanted to try with me this time around." He opened his eyes and smiled widely through his tears. "He said he loved me…" he repeated in a odd mixture of laughter and tears.
She blinked her own tears away and clasped his shoulder in her tiny hand. "That's wonderful Danny, I'm so happy."
"You're happy.. I'm glad your happy… cause you know what you are…" He took a deep breath. "And at first, yeah, of course, I was ecstatic… but then, about the second day… I started thinking. One night he has a heart attack and decides he's been wrong… after twelve years of pain, it seems to me that he's getting off easy."
"Oh… Danny…"
"I know!" He said, shrugging. "I feel like a shit for thinking that, but it's what I thought."
She shook her head. "No, Danny, you're not a shit… he hurt you. I understand that. And I would completely understand and support you if you decided that you never wanted to speak to him again…" She paused until he met her eyes. "The thing is, Danny… you wouldn't be okay with that."
He nodded. "I know." He laughed. "That would kill me."
She nodded. "So.. what happened then?"
He smiled at the waitress the best he could and accepted the beers. He took a long swig from the bottle before continuing. "Well… I stayed at my parents house right… and I was up late, tossing and turning… this was Friday…you know me… eternally beating myself up, right?" He laughed self-deprecatingly. "I mean, how can you think that way… your Dad says he's sorry! He says he loves you! What else can you ask for, you selfish bastard… but late, like, 4a.m, I hear this noise and I have to get up and see what it was, cause it sounded like somebody sobbing, and I can't let Mom cry, not alone…"
"Sure." Natalie says.
"So I get up and it's David, sitting at the kitchen table, head buried in his hands, five empty beer bottles sitting in front of him, and he's crying like he did when our puppy died when he was 10 and I was 6…" He shakes his head, looking confused. "David's crying? David doesn't cry… David is a rich computer-game designer who lives in London, he doesn't cry in his beer… and yet, there he was, crying in his beer."
"Why was he crying?"
"Of course, I think, Dad's worse…something's happened. So I feel like the wind's just been knocked out of me as I sink into the chair beside him…"
***flashback***
[Rydell House : Early Saturday : 4:13a.m.]
"Davey…" Dan says, putting his hand on his brothers shaking form. "Davey, what is it?" He asks quietly, almost not wanting to know the answer.
David looks at him and makes no attempt to wipe at his tears. His eyes are swimming and it's impossible to know if it's from the tears or the beer, but they can't focus and Dan can smell the alcohol on his breath. "We almost lost him, Danny… he almost died…"
Dan takes a deep breath and sits up straighter, visibly relieved. "But, we didn't, Davey…"
David covers his face again, rubbing it roughly. "Okay, but Danny, we almost did… and I hated him… we almost lost him and I hated him."
"Oh, Dave, I'm sure you didn't hate him…"
David looked at him. "No, I did hate him, Danny… I'm there with you at the airport, talking bad about him, calling him a prick, an asshole, good for nothing… and this is nothing I haven't said a zillion times before… and he's lying near death in a hospital…" He shakes his head unbelievingly. "And this is my father, Danny! How can I… How could I DO that?!"
"Hey, shhhh…" Dan says, looking at his mother's closed bedroom door. "Listen man, you're not alone in that. The last words I said to him were you're dead to me… how could I do THAT?"
David looked at him. "You did that cause he deserved it… and when you found out he was sick, you said nothing bad… yet I continued on, spewing words of hate toward the man who's loins I sprang into creation from."
Dan laughed slightly, shaking his head. "Pretty complicated grammar for a drunk man there, my friend."
He was glad he said that though for David smiled then, laughing the slightest of laughs as well. "Don't ever be like me, Danny."
Dan cocked his head to the side. "What do you mean?"
David shook his head, picking at the foil around his beer. "I'm hard, Danny… I'm hollow. I'm not good with feelings, with emotions. I poke fun at the things that most people get offended at… I laugh at inopportune times… I have no tact… I don't know how to love, Danny… don't be like me."
Dan pulled his brother over to him and hugged him to him, kissing the top of his head and smiling at him. "You did a pretty good job there of sharing your feelings, just now." He took a deep breath and continued on. "You're not hollow, man, because you love me, and I know that."
David smiled. "How are you so great Danny? How have you managed to stay the same sweet, sensitive kid I left when I went to London?"
Dan shrugged. "I don't know… I've just not changed I guess… that, and I have good friends." He glared at David then, "And could you quit calling me kid, you're only four years older than me."
He laughed and ruffled Dan's hair, smiling at him. "Thanks Danny… I think I just needed to get that outta my system."
Dan nodded. "No problem, you ever need to do that, don't hesitate to call me, man. If you ever need to talk…"
David nodded. "Be careful, do too good a job of convincing me of that and I just might!"
***end of flashback***
"Neither of us slept that night, but it was alright." Dan said, smiling. "Cause I feel like I understand him better now."
Natalie nodded. "Good."
"So, it wasn't that it was that BAD of a weekend, it's just that it was that emotionally draining of one."
They were quiet for a moment, drinking their beers and ordering another pair. "So, how was your weekend?"
Natalie paused for a moment, deciding what to tell him. Shaking her head she decided that she would tell him her realization later on. "It was fine.. it was good, but we missed you.. I… missed you."
He smiled and kissed her hand. "I missed you." He said sincerely.
She felt flushed and looked away, embarrassed. She noticed the unopened package on the table. "Your present!" She squealed, smiling and picking it up. "Open, now!"
He laughed and took it from her outstretched hands. "Alright, if you insist…" he smiled at her and repeated what he said earlier. "You're so adorable."
"I know," she said impatiently. "Open!" He began to unwrap it and she bit her lip nervously.
"Tom Waits?!" He exclaimed, his eyes dancing, holding up the brand new CD and looking at the back cover.
She hurried to explain. "I know that you love Tom Waits, and it was probably a stupid gift to give you cause I'm almost positive that you probably have it already, which is why I left it in its cellophane and I have the receipt in my purse still so…"
Hew laughed and leaned over, kissing her on the cheek. "Natalie, I love it!"
She smiled, calming slightly. "Yeah?"
"Are you kidding, Nat?! Tom Waits!"
"So, you don't have it yet then?"
He looked at the CD. "Beautiful Maladies.. no I don't… this is a compilation right?" He looked at the back, getting even more excited. "Oh man, this is great, Nat… I kept telling myself I had to get a CD burner so I could burn my favorite Wait's songs onto one CD so I wouldn't have to keep switching them… Wow… Clap Hands, Underground, Way Down in the Hole, Innocent when you Dream, Temptation, Downtown Train… Time?! Natalie, this is so perfect!"
She laughed at his childlike glow. "I'm glad."
"This is like… all my favorite songs! Seriously… except it's lacking Hold On, but still…" He looked up at her. "I LOVE YOU!" He yelled, kissing her again, only this time on the lips.
She was taken back and touched by his unabashed show of affection but he didn't notice because he was too busy ripping open the cellophane to look inside the case. "Oh man…" he was mumbling, "the words and everything…"
She almost laughed but instead she felt a tear slide down her face. Wiping it quickly she looked at him to make sure he hadn't noticed. The fact of the matter was that seeing him so happy and excited was so beautiful that it just affirmed the notion that she was in fact in love with him as well. Deciding she couldn't sit on it for one more second she decided to do something about it. She took a deep breath. "Danny?"
He was biting his fingernail, reading the words to Hang On St. Christopher and singing quietly to himself, but he looked up when she said his name. "Truly," he said, "I don't have it, I love it. Natalie, thank you…"
She leaned forward and took hold of his sweater. She pulled him forward until their lips met and she kissed him. She kissed him slowly and tried to tell him with that kiss how she felt, trying to pour her heart into lips on lips. She felt it wasn't enough, but it was all she could do at that moment. Finally pulling back she closed her eyes, licked her lips, and tried to breath.
He was silent for a moment and in his confusion dropped the booklet of lyrics on the floor. "N… Natalie?" He asked, looking at her, his eyes raw and open.
She smiled and took his hand again, splaying his fingers with hers, intertwining their fingers together. She took a deep breath and sighed. "I've been doing some thinking, Danny…"
"Uhuh…" he said, still dazed and overwhelmed from the unexpected kiss.
She laughed slightly at his adorable expression and reached out to touch his face. He leaned his head a little bit into her hand and she cupped his cheek. "I've been thinking… and talking a little too… about my feelings for you…" She looked at him, feeling slightly insecure again. "Danny… what you said at Central Park… did you… do you still…"
He nodded, slowly able to come into focus. "I love you Natalie… I did then, and I do still."
"Okay," she said, nodding, laughing a little easier this time. "Good… that's good." She looked up again and squeezed his hand. "Cause I love you, Danny…"
He shook his head. "Natalie, don't do this… don't play with me right now… Please, don't do this because you know I'm upset, or because you feel obligated to be the person that cheers Danny up…"
"What did I tell you about talking about yourself in the third person!" She scolded slightly, with a smirk.
"Natalie…"
She scooted her chair over to where it was right next to his and her face was only a foot from his. "Danny… I love you. I like you, I always have. I adore you, I always have.. and now, I've come to realize… that has either grown… or been violently shoved… into love." She smiled and kissed him quickly, lingering for only a second. "I don't know when it happened, but when I was talking to Dana, and I'm sorry if you didn't want me to, I just realized, like a rush, like a surge… that I love you." She brushed back his hair with her hand. "I love the way I feel when your mouth touches mine…. I love the way I felt when I saw you walk out of that plane… and I love the way you look at me… I love they way you're looking at me right now."
He blinked. "Natalie… you mean this?"
She nodded and started to explain more but his mouth was on hers and his hands where mashing her face closer to his. She wound her hands around him and surrendered herself to the kiss, reveling in the feeling of total peace in her heart. She'd never felt this way about anyone before. She'd come close with Jeremy, but even that relationship had left her feeling lacking. It doesn't happen this way, she thinks to herself. You aren't supposed to meet someone, love someone, know someone like this, so well and so long that there's nothing left unsaid when you finally come to this. It doesn't really happen like this, she thinks, especially not to Natalie *Love-em-get-left-by-Them* Hurly. Danny, she thought, you shouldn't let me have something so good.. I'll break it, lose it, take it apart and not know how to put together again…
She doesn't know she's crying until he pulls back slightly and looks at her, wiping her tears away. "What's wrong, Nat? Why are you crying?"
She blushes and looks down, wiping at her tears. "You're too good for me, Danny… you're too sweet, too nice… too perfect."
He shakes his head, totally confused. "I'm not perfect Natalie, I have many, many flaws…"
She shakes her head. "None that really matter, Danny…"
But he's not hearing her, he's shaking his head and smiling. "But Natalie, don't you see? You're perfect to me too… You're too sweet, you're too nice… you're too good… To me, you're all those things and more."
She smiled as he cupped her face in his hands and raised her hands to cover his. "Thank you." She whispered.
"No," he said, "thank you Dana, for whatever she did to convince you that you loved me back!" He laughed at that, kissing her again.
"Dana did nothing but listen… but talking about it forced me to look at it.. and it just occurred… hey, this feeling I have right here…" she said, tapping her chest, "that's love."
He nodded shortly and closed the gap one more time, his lips lingering on hers until they opened to let his tongue slip out and ask her lips for permission to enter Natalie's mouth. Permission granted they answered, parting and welcoming the intruder with ease. So wrapped up in each other were they that they didn't even see their waitress come over and serve them with their bill. He moaned slightly and ran his finger across her cheek, and she ached for him then. She ached for something more than some chaste kiss in an airport lounge where there were ten people sitting sporadically spaced, drinking various concoctions of alcohol, either waiting for their next flight or their family to show up to whisk them home.
As if he read her mind he pulled back slightly, resting his forehead against hers. "Can I take you home, Natalie?" He whispered gutturally, breathing choppily.
She giggled and met his eyes. "Sure, except for that you don't have a car and I'm the one driving."
He smiled and hooked his finger into a piece of her hair, winding it around his finger. "Well, then, Natalie, will you come home with me?"
She felt her breath catch at the prospect of just what might happen if she were to accompany him home. Not that it would be their first time, their first time being what started this whole thing that had consumed her life for the past week. Smiling she tried to keep her hormones in check as she nodded. "I will, Danny." She said, putting her hand on his chest, letting it slide down gently and feeling his taut muscles beneath the thin sweater and shirt combination.
He grabbed her hand and stood, never taking his eyes off of her as he threw a twenty down on the table from his pocket. He bent down again and kissed her, once again at the end having to literally to tear himself away. Grabbing his Tom Waits CD in one hand, and clasping her hand in the other, he smiled, completely unimpeded, for the first time in six days and strode towards the exit doors of the JFK Airport.
Natalie happily bounded along beside him, pausing only long enough to bend down and pick up the lyrics booklet lying forgotten on the floor. "You really don't already have it?"
He laughed and dropped her hand, putting his arm around her instead. "I don't, and don't worry, I will be subjecting you to the throaty, raspy wails of one Tom Waits all the way home…"
Sixteen Months Later…[Central Park : Information Center : 3:00p.m.]
He stood in front of the mirror and tried to control his breathing. He breathed in through his nose, breathed out through his mouth. Just when he thought he'd contained his nervousness another bout would come and he'd have to start all over again, and the fit of giggles would overcome him again. He started at himself in that mirror and grinned at the face grinning back at him in the mirror. "A little ridiculous huh?"
Casey laughed and tousled his hair. "No, seems normal to me.. I did the same thing."
Dan laughed and turned, raising his eyebrow. "Yeah, but in your case you had a right to be scared."
Casey laughed. "As horrible as Lisa ended up being, there was a time she was the love of my life, Danny."
"This is Natalie man… why am I so nervous?" He said, laughing at himself.
"Because you're you."
Dan turned to his brother. "And that would mean?"
David stood and crossed the room to stand directly before Dan. He smiled and straightened his bow tie. Touching Dan's face he gave him a little smack. "Come on, man, admit it."
Dan turned again to face himself in the mirror. "Admit what?"
David stood behind him and looked into his eyes. Their eyes were the same, only Dan's shone with nervous tears and David shone with proud ones. "You're a Rydell, Danny. You grew up doubting all love. You're scared… You're scared your not good enough, you're scared you'll screw it up.. you're scared someday she's gonna find out something horrible about you, like you leave the toilet seat up after you take a piss… and she's gonna realize, hey, I don't love this guy…"
Dan closed his eyes and sat down on the ottoman just to his left. "Yeah.. yeah, that's exactly it, Davey.. what if I'm not good enough for her? I'm.. I mean, I can't be… nobody is…"
"Danny…" Casey started.
"You know how I know that's not true?" Came a voice from the other side of the room.
Dan looked up as Jeremy came in the room, shutting the door behind him. "Hey, Jeremy."
Jeremy sat down beside Dan and bumped shoulders with him. Dan laughed and bumped him back. "I know it's not true, because it's always been you, Dan."
Dan looked at him. "What?"
Jeremy nodded. "Dan, it was always you for her.. she never told me or anything, but aside from you, I believe I am the person who knows her best.. with the possible exception of Dana…. And it was always you."
Dan looked at him for a moment. "That's not true, Jeremy, she loved you."
Jeremy nodded. "Yes, she did."
"Then what are you…" Dan tried to interject.
Jeremy shrugged. "Because Dan… I just know." He thought for a moment. "Dan, it was always you she went to for comfort. It was you who she looked for when she wanted to bitch, to whine, to cry… It was you who she befriended first here, it was you who she wanted approval from on her audition tape… It was always you. Yes, she loved me.. but never as much as you."
Dan blinked several times. "Jeremy…"
"Hey," Jeremy said, smiling. "I never blamed her.. you're a great guy."
Dan shook his head, amazed once again at just what a great guy Jeremy Goodwin truly was. "Thank you Jeremy.. that… that means a lot."
"Besides…" He laughed. "It never occurred to me until you were together… Something just told me, wait a second… this is the way it was supposed to go."
David crouched before him. "You know, you deserve this. You know that right?"
Dan nodded. "Most of the time.. yes. Most of the time I think, I've never been happier.. never before so in love… And most of the time, I look at her, and know.. I just know, this is the person I'm meant to be with.. this is the person I am spending the rest of my life with… but… Sometimes… like now…I just…" he hung his head. "think to myself, I don't deserve her…"
David shook his head. "That's not you, Danny."
Dan looked at him. "What?"
"That's not you talking, Danny. That is Dad. That is Dad talking."
Dan shook his head. "What…"
"Dan, you've spent your whole like blaming yourself for Sammy. You've spent your whole life with that on your shoulders.. and that is his fault." David said, propping himself up by Dan's knees. "And that is why you can't let yourself be totally happy… you've spent your whole life thinking you need to be.. you deserve to be… punished. That you deserve to be the loser… I know that it's been better now… it's been better for over a year, that you and Dad, and hell, even me and Dad, have been actually getting along.. actually having actual conversations… But Danny, after a lifetime of thinking some particular way… it's hard to break out of that habit."
Dan took a deep breath. "So.. I'm just being stupid then." He stated.
David smiled and squeezed his knee. "Basically? Yeah."
Dan smiled slightly. "And I deserve this…"
"Yes," all three answered.
"And I deserve her…" he said with a little more conviction
"Yes" was the simultaneous answer.
"And I deserve to be happy.." he said with a even more conviction.
"Yes."
He nodded, standing, taking a deep breath. He faced the mirror again. "Yes…"
"Yes, Danny…" Casey said, standing and clasping Dan's shoulders in his hands tightly. "You deserve all that, and more."
Dan cleared his throat. "Right…" he smiled tentatively. "Okay… okay…" He turned and face the group again. "Okay, let's go get married."
~*~
He stood next to the Priest, breathing deeply. David was right behind him, Casey behind him. He looked across the walkway and smiled at Dana warmly. Dana returned the smile, happy tears already flooding her eyes.
A collective sigh made Dan turn and look down the isle to where Natalie was standing with her father. "Oh, my…" he said under his breath.
"She's gorgeous man…" David whispered in his ear.
It was in that moment… that look in her eye, the way her dress pooled at her feet, the way she smiled at Dan like they had some sort of secret, the way she walked, the way she tilted her head towards his Mom with a small smile…it was in that moment that he knew, with a certainty, that this was it for him. This was 'til death do they part for him. This was the love of his life. This was his soul mate. And in that moment, any doubts he'd had, any fears he'd had, were squashed, obliterated, and swept away with the next gust of wind.
They had opted to have a religion-less wedding outdoors. The person wedding them was a justice of the piece, and their chapel/synagogue was Mother Nature, specifically Central Park. It had cost a pretty penny, but with the combined efforts of both the Rydell's and Hurley's they'd had more than enough money to accomplish it.
As she joined him he took her hands and felt one single tear fall from his eyes. She frowned at him. "Are you okay?" she whispered.
He nodded. "I have never in my life been more okay than I am at this very moment." She smiled up at him and he thought to himself that if there were such things as angels, she certainly must be one. He looked at the Justice of the Peace. "I know that I'm getting this backwards, and that this comes at the end but…" he looked at Natalie. "I have to…"
He lifted the veil from her face and looked in her liquid brown eyes. "Hello." He said softly.
She smiled shakily, trying to bite back tears. "Hey yourself."
He leaned down slightly and kissed her briefly. Breaking away he leaned his forehead on hers. "You ready?" he asked, his eyes closed, just breathing in the scent of her hair.
She nodded. "I am." She stated simply.
He took deep breath, smiled the widest smile he'd ever smiled, and turned to the justice of the peace. He nodded.
"Dearly beloved.. we are gathered here today to join the hands of Daniel Jacob Rydell and Natalie Elizabeth Hurley…"
[Tony Anthony's : 6:00p.m.]
Dana came running over, having changed from her heels into tennis shoes, yet still wearing her black maid of honor dress. "Danny, Natalie.. stand stand!" She yelled.
"Geez…" Dan said, laughing but standing. "What's the hurry?"
Dana suddenly started crying and hugged Dan to her. "Dan, I'm so happy…"
Dan laughed and looked at Natalie over Dana's shoulder. "Okay, then please don't cry."
"I'm just so.. I'm so… I'm just so happy…" She said, extracting herself from Dan's arms and turning to embrace Natalie.
Casey came over, grinning. "Has the crying game begun?" He asked Dan, looking at Dana, amused.
Dan nodded. "Apparently so."
Casey hugged Dan and pounded him on the back. "Congratulations man."
Dan hugged him back and turned to kiss him on the cheek. "Thanks man.. Thanks for being my best man…"
"One of your best men…"
"One of my best men.. and for being my best friend." Dan corrected, stepping back. "Now, when do I get to be your best man?" He asked, looking at Dana and then back at Casey.
Casey cast a longing look at Dana. "Well, first we'd have to date…"
"First night of the rest of your life, Case.. make it tonight."
Casey smiled at Dan. "Are you going to be one of those annoying guys who gets married and then harasses his friends about when they are going to get married too?"
Dan made a mock shocked face. "Me? Annoying?"
"NEVER!" They both said loudly, as they both began laughing.
A 'tinging' noise could barely be heard over the den of the room and slowly the room began to quiet down. Jay Rydell stood by the table. "Could you please all sit for just a minute?"
Dan caught David's eye across the room and looked at him questioningly. David just shrugged at sat down beside his date. Dan sat down, Natalie on one side of him, his mother on the other, his father next to his mother.
"I know traditionally it's the best man that makes the speech, but…" Jay shrugged. "I'm his father, damnit, and I have the right…" Everyone laughed appreciatively.
"Go ahead Dad.. I relinquish my speaking rights unto you!" David yelled from across the room.
Jay smiled and nodded. "Thank you son…" He took a deep breath and rose his glass of wine, looking at Dan. "Well, son.. you've gone an done it. You've found yourself a sweet, intelligent, beautiful young women to dedicate your life to… and I've never been more proud to be your father." Jay faltered for a second before continuing. "I'm proud to be included, and to be wanted here… I know I've never been the easiest person to live with…" David snorted and quickly covered his mouth, hanging his head. "As David can attest to…" Jay said, smiling at him. "but I do know that you, Daniel, are one of those rare 'good guys' and I honestly don't know how you did it… you rose out of the ashes to become something I only wished I could be…" He blinked and Dan was shocked to see tears glistening in his eyes. "and I just don't know how it is that someone so wonderful came from someone like me…"
"Dad…" Dan said, reaching across his mom to clasp Jay's hand.
"I'm so proud to be your father, Daniel… May you and your wonderful bride live long, and remain as happy as you are this very day." Jay finished and raised his glass higher before tilting it to his lips and taking a sip.
Dan stood then and hugged his father to him tightly. "Thank you Dad…" he managed to choke out.
"No, thank you son…"
Dan was barely aware of the applause around him as he and his father shared a long awaited moment of serenity. Pulling back he wiped at his eyes and laughed in slight embarrassment as he noticed everyone staring at them, most of their eyes misty as well. "What? Like you've never seen a grown man cry at his wedding?!" He said with one of his trademark smirks.
Dan sat down beside Natalie and kissed her, squeezing her hand, and then noticed Casey standing. "My turn," Casey said, raising his glass.
"Crap." Dan said.
Casey looked at him quickly. "What?"
Dan laughed. "You're going to make me cry again, aren't you?"
Casey smiled. "It is my intention."
Dan spread one arm out. "Hence the crap." He laughed along with the rest of the others. "Go ahead.. I'm resolved to not."
Casey nodded, and bowed his head for a moment, collecting his thoughts. "Good evening, from New York City, this is Casey McCall alongside Dan Rydell…" he smiled. "I've been saying that for the past four years… and before that… Good Evening from Lonestar… this is Casey McCall alongside Dan Rydell…"
"Casey, are you using my wedding for advertisement?" Natalie said good-naturedly.
Casey laughed along with everyone else. "I've known Dan for over ten years… in fact," he looked at Dan. "It's almost fifteen this year isn't it?" Dan nodded. "I tell you.. when I first met Dan I never thought I'd be his best.. ONE of his best men…" he smiled at David who just raised a peace sign in his direction. "in his wedding… I never even thought we'd be friends… He started out as a pimply faced kid interning where I was a two-bit sports reporter on a local access channel in LA… and I do mean pimply faced…"
Dan smirked at him. "Thanks for that man…"
"You betcha…" Casey said, laughing. "But, alas, Dan finally annoyed me enough 'til I went to have drinks with him… and, turns out.. Danny's a pretty decent guy…" Casey paused. "Fast forward nine years and we're co-hosting a sports show at a little station called CSC and we've got another intern, only this one is most definitely NOT pimply faced.. in fact, this one is just down right knock out gorgeous…" he winked at Natalie. "So, to recap, I've known Danny for fifteen years, and Natalie for five.. and for those periods of time, I've come to know them quite well… and I must say.. I've never seen them as happy as they are when they're together…" he paused. "And that was true even before they became a them." Casey turned and faced Dan and Natalie more fully. "Danny, Natalie… I'm so truly very happy for you two.. I hope you never have a day of want in your lives, I hope you continue to prosper in each others company, and I hope you never loose that glow on both your faces right now…" Casey's calm façade begins to break then as he blinks and a tear falls. "But I also hope to god that the day never comes that you decide you're leaving me and the team… but if so…… just live the good life, Danny… live the good life, and live in love forever." He raises his glass. "To Eternal Love…"
"To Eternal Love," they all echo, drinking from their glasses.
Dan blinks rapidly and smiles triumphantly at Casey. "See? I did not cry."
Casey laughs and hugs him tightly. "I love you man."
Dan closes his eyes and tries to pull away. "Let go man, or I'm going to cry again."
Casey lets go, smiling. "It'd serve you right."
"First dance!" David yelled from across the room. "It's time for you to show us your stuff, Danny boy!"
Natalie gasps and stands up quickly. "I'll be right back!" she squeals, sprinting off.
"Man Davey… you made her run away!" Dan yelled good-naturedly.
She was back in a flash, grinning from ear to ear. "May I have my first dance as your wife, Mr. Rydell?"
He smiled and took her hand. "Why, yes you may, Mrs. Rydell…" he paused for a moment. "Um… will you be taking my last name?" He asked, uncertain.
She frowned. "I never actually thought about that…"
He pulled her close to him as they walked onto the dance floor. "It doesn't matter to me, Nat… just as long as you're my wife."
She grinned and hugged him as the opening chords on the piano started. "Right answer mister…" she smiled. "I will be known as Mrs. Natalie Elizabeth Rydell from now on.."
Oh Danny
boy, the pipes the pipes are calling,
From glen to glen and on the mountainside.
The summer's gone and all the leaves are falling,
It's you, it's you must go and I must bide !
Danny rolled his eyes at his new wife as they started dancing their first dance as husband and wife. "Why, oh why, did you request this song?!"
Natalie smiled so brightly that her eyes were mere squints. "Because! You are my Danny Boy!"
Dan laughed and put his arm around her, kissing her forehead. "Sure… but did you have to play this song?"
"It was the only one I could think of that was about a Danny.." she said, shrugging. "Besides, it's actually kinda pretty anyway."
Dan nodded, unable to even pretend to be mad. "Alright, but please.. don't tell me you want this to be our song…"
Natalie suddenly looked up at him. "Danny?"
"Yes?" he said back, smirking.
"What is our song?"
Dan thought for a second and then began to sing. "For the first time I am looking in your eyes… For the first time I'm seeing who you are… I can't believe how much I see… When you're lookin back at me… Now I understand why love is… Love is… for the first time…"
Natalie smiled up at him with tears in her eyes. "I love Kenny Loggins…only…"
Dan frowned. "Only what?"
She began to giggle. "Only, please don't sing."
He laughed then, a deep, from the belly laugh, and hugged her to him. "I promise to never sing again if you promise me one thing."
"What?" She asked, laughing along with him.
He brought one hand up to caress her face. "Never stop loving me."
She brought her hand up and covered his hand with hers. "Never.. not even if you do sing."
He grinned and bent down and kissed her, relishing in the taste of her mouth mixed with the salty tears of their joy.
But you'll
come back, when summer's in the meadow,
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow !
Then I'll be there in sunshine or in shadow,
Oh Danny Boy, Oh Danny Boy, I love you so !
And if you
come, when all the flowers are dying
And I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.
And I shall
hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my grave will warmer, sweeter be
For you will bend and tell me that you love me
And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me.
Oh Danny Boy, Oh Danny Boy, I love you so!
end…
YAY! I've finished it! I just want to give a quick thanks to those of you who responded so positively! I would not have been able to finish without you! Thanks for the praise, and if you haven't, please feel free to! Praise or no, either way… feedback of any kind is good as long as it's done nicely!
THANKS!
Zoey