[New Haven Airport : 2:00p.m.]
Dan walked off the small plane into the airport, barely able to see what he was doing. In the three hours since Isaac had told him, Dan had done nothing but think. He'd thought more in the past three hours than he'd probably thought in the past year. All that thinking and it all came down to one thing: His father could have died, and his father could still die. Lost in thought he didn't hear his name being called, he didn't even realized he'd sat in the nearest chair he'd stumbled to. All he knew was that his father had a heart attack and the last words he'd spoken to him had been yelled in bitter bursts and angry lashes.
"Danny, hey, you alright man?"
Dan looked up and blinked several times at the man standing before him. "Davey?"
David Rydell sat beside his younger brother and put his arm around him. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
Dan let out a half laugh. "I'm a little shocked is all." He mentally shook himself and looked at David. Smiling widely he hit his brother in the leg. "How've you been man? What's it been, five years?"
David smiled sadly. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that… London's far away, you know?"
Dan nodded, standing. "Sure, yeah. That's no problem."
David smiled and put his arm around Dan. "I watch you every night though."
Dan laughed. "In London?"
David nodded. "I have a lot of money, little brother. I have my ways."
Dan laughed. "Yeah… I forget."
David stood. "You know I love you… even though I'm not here, right? You know that right?"
Dan nodded and felt his own tears come to his eyes. "I know Davey." He said, hugging him. Pulling back he took a deep breath. "So? How is he?"
David shrugged. "I'm not sure… I've been avoiding it."
Dan nodded. "How'd you know I was going to be here?"
"Your boss called the hospital and told Mom the flight information. She called me at the house, where I was hiding out, and told me." David smiled. "You've really got a family back there in New York don't you?"
Dan smiled. "I really do."
"I guess I've avoided him long enough… we should go." David said a little reluctantly.
"Is Jen here? Was she able to get out of work?" He asked about their middle sister who lived in San Francisco.
David nodded. "Yeah, she'll be here tonight. She said seven."
"How long has it been since you saw Dad?" Dan asked him as they started walking out of the airport. Danny hadn't packed any bags so they just headed straight out to the garage.
David shrugged. "The last time we were all together, man. The Chanukah after Sammy died."
Dan looked down. "I'm sorry."
David looked at him strangely. "Sorry for what?"
"For pushing you away from Dad."
David shook his head. "Dad did that on his own. One, he was never that nice of a guy, Danny. Never, not before Sammy died and especially not after. Two, I saw the way he treated you about Sammy… and Three, well… I don't know, he's never accepted me, and I just decided forget that, you know? Just forget him." He smiled slightly and laughed sarcastically. "And now he's lying in a hospital bed and I'm supposed to go say 'hey Dad, I love you, get better' when I haven't spoken to him in thirteen years."
"You haven't even spoken to him?" Dan asked, slightly surprised.
"No. Not really, not well. Only a happy birthday here, or a 'Did you catch the Orioles?' type of question. No, the only real conversations I've had with the family has been to Mom… and you and Jen."
Dan shook his head. "I can't believe I never realized."
"Well, Danny, it's not like it's something I talk about too much. And, it's not like he'd ever talk about it. It probably didn't even faze him. He was probably glad to not have the hassle. One less son to have to make idle chatter with."
Danny laughed slightly as they stepped into their parents' Suburban David had driven. "He's always had a way about him that makes you feel like a business associate, doesn't he."
David nodded, looking at Dan. "So, how are you… with this? I mean, you were always more sensitive about him."
Dan nodded. "I don't know… I saw him two days ago, and man, did we have it out."
David smiled. "Really man? You finally gave it to the old man?"
Dan nodded, uncomfortable. "Yeah, I told him that he had to forgive me for Sam, and if he couldn't then…"
"God Damnit Danny, there's nothing to forgive." David said vehemently. "That's why I fucking hate him, Danny… he's really made you think you're responsible for Sammy, and that was Sammy! You were as responsible for him as I was, as Mom was, and as Dad was… and actually, Mom and Dad are more responsible cause hey, they're his Mom and Dad!"
Dan laughed slightly. "Alright man, calm down."
"So, what else did you say? What'd he say?"
"Well, he kept telling me to calm down, and 'we'll talk later' and I was like, when are we EVER alone for us to talk? Anyway, I told him if he couldn't forgive me for whatever he hated me for, then I was just going to have to let go of whatever it is I've been holding onto for thirteen years. I said he needed to let go of Sammy, that I knew he wished it were me that died instead of Sammy, but that I'm still here and that I'm still his son." Dan smiled sadly.
"Fucking A Right Danny!" David said, smiling. "I'm so proud of you kid! He must have had a heart atta…" David's voice trailed off as he realized what he said.
Dan nodded, his eyes filling with tears. "And Dan strikes again."
David looked at him in concern. "Danny, that's not what I meant." He said quietly, putting hand on Dan's knee and squeezing.
"You know what the last thing I said to him was Davey?" Dan said, closing his eyes and leaning his head against the seat. "You're as dead to me as I am to you." He laughed hollowly. "And now I just might be right."
[NY : Casey & Dan's office : 2:30p.m.]Casey was sitting at his desk typing his script for that nights show, taking on Dan's half as well as his own until Bobbie Bernstein arrived. He looked up, startled, as Natalie barged in. "Casey," she said, out of breath. "Come have lunch with me."
He closed the laptop computer and looked at her, his head cocked to one side. "What?"
She sat down across from him. "Come have lunch with me."
"Why?" He asked, her tone telling him something was bugging her. "Are you alright, Natalie?"
She shook her head. "Not really.. Casey, I need to talk… I want you to come have lunch with me."
"Why can't you just tell…"
"I can't tell you here, Casey, cause this is something no one else can hear. The rumor mill at CSC works way too overtime to tell you this here. The next thing I'd know was that Kim overheard, told Elliot, who told Dave, who told Jeremy, who told Dana, who told…"
"Okay, okay…" Casey said, laughing slightly. He stood and put on his jacket. "Okay, Anthony's?"
She nodded. "Yes, I'll meet you there in fifteen minutes."
Casey watched her with an odd expression on his face as she fled out of his office and wondered what it was she had to tell him that was so important and so secretive. Shaking his head he decided that he would find out soon enough and he headed to Anthony's.
[NY : Tony Anthony's : 2:50p.m.]
"Sorry I'm late." Natalie said, out of breath as she joined Casey at the tall tables in the middle section of Tony Anthony's.
He nodded, taking a sip of his ice-cold beer. "Sure, what's up?"
She smiled, sitting down. "So, how are you Casey? We never hang out enough, do we?"
He looked at her. "I'm fine, but that's neither here nor there… Natalie…."
"Jack… Bud Light please?" She called to their faithful bartender.
"Sure thing Natalie…" He called back, disappearing in the back.
She turned back to Casey. "Okay… Okay, Casey… can I talk to you please?" She asked, her face uncharacteristically screwed up in a nervous expression.
Casey took a deep breath. "Are you okay, Natalie?"
She laughed and touched his hands. "Sure, I'm fine Casey. It's not that. I'm not sick, I'm not in trouble… You're not in trouble…"
Casey's nerves calmed slightly. "Then, of course you can talk to me Nat… what is it?"
"It's about Dan…"
Casey choked a little on his sip of beer. "Uh, Nat… wouldn't you feel more comfortable talking to Dana…."
She shook her head. "No, no Casey, I really wouldn't feel more comfortable talking to Dana on this particular matter. She'd make judgments and decisions… and I know that Dan's already told you, so…"
"Dan's told me nothing of the…"
Natalie gave him a reproaching look. "Oh, please Casey… he tells you everything."
"Well, it could be said that you tell Dana everything, and you obviously haven't, so…."
"Okay.. okay, you're right, I haven't told Dana, and normally I would have, but… these are extenuating circumstances…" She looked at him. "But you know."
"I don't…" he said, unable to look at her.
She laughed. "You do know, I know you know. I know you know for three reasons. For one, you can't even look at me. For two, we've been able to skirt around the issue without you getting confused for one second. And for three… I can read you. I can read you and I can read Dan, and he told you the day after it happened. I know that as surely as I know my own name."
Casey finally sighed and conceded. "Yes, Natalie, I know. I know that you and Dan slept together."
She nodded. "And you know that he claims he loves me."
Casey nodded. "He did mention that too."
"And you know that he told me in the park last night after you left."
Casey sat his beer down. "Yes, Natalie… I do know.. I know all that. Why are you telling me if you know I already know."
She bit her lip. "Cause, Casey… I'm confused."
He shook his head. "You're not. Everything you just said, it's true. And you said it, so you know it, just as well as I do."
She shook her head and took the beer that Jack brought over at that moment. "Except for how I feel… that I don't know."
Casey shrugged. "That's the one area I can't help you in, Natalie. I don't know how you feel. I only know that Dan loves you."
She nodded, her eyes glazing over slightly, as though she were in another world. As though she weren't speaking to Casey even… like she was speaking to herself. "Yes… he claims he loves me… he thinks he loves me…"
"No, Natalie, he loves you. He doesn't claim it, he doesn't think it… he does." Casey said confidently. "That I know as surely as I know my own name." He said, echoing Natalie's earlier statement.
She looked up then, catching his eyes. "Yeah?"
Casey nodded, taking the last swig of his beer. "Natalie, I've seen Danny in love. I know what it looks like… I've been in love, and the expression on his face when he's thinking about you, or talking about you, over the past two days… it's love Natalie. It's plain as day. Dan's always worn his heart on his sleeve, Nat… I don't know how you've missed it."
She looked away again and took a big swig of her own beer. "Yeah," she said, mumbling to herself. "Okay."
"Natalie? I gotta ask… do you feel the same?"
She looked at him again, uncertainty in her eyes. "Two days ago I would have said no. I would have laughed at the absurdity of it. I would have thought you were insane."
"And now?" He asked.
"Now?" She shrugged, tears coming to her eyes. "Now I don't know… but I'm not laughing… and I'm not thinking you're insane."
"Now it doesn't seem so absurd, does it?"
She shook her head. "No… now it seems… I don't know, but it doesn't seem absurd."
[New Haven General : 3:00p.m.]"Danny?"
He turned to see his mom a few feet away, holding herself up against a doorframe. "Mom," he stated, striding over to her and hugging her to him.
"Where's David?" She asked as he pulled away.
"Parking the car… Mom.. how is.."
She took a deep breath. "He had a massive coronary… he's in ICU and they won't let me see him yet.. but they said that he's temporarily stable, and that he drifts in and out of consciousness."
Dan took a deep breath. "Okay… so that's good huh?"
She nodded and turned around to stare once again down the hall where Dan's dad apparently occupied a bed. "Yeah, I guess."
"Mom… what happened?"
She shrugged. All I know is that he got home yesterday, didn't speak to me all day, and then, at four o'clock, I'm waking up to him…. Panting and… and…."
He pulled her to him in a hug and tried his best to reassure her. "Mom, he'll be okay… he's to ornery to die on us…"
She laughed slightly and leaned into him. "Yeah, you're probably right. He'll survive if only to give us more grief."
Dan laughed and followed her gaze to where David had shown up, his arm around a brunette, walking towards them. Dan smiled the easiest smile he'd smiled in days and went over to them. He opened his arms and she fell into them, smiling. "Hey, Jen." He mumbled into her dark tendrils.
She leaned back and kissed him on the cheek. "Hey buddy." She said, a sad smile on her face.
He looked at her and lowered his voice. "How's Sarah?"
She smiled widely that time. "Sarah's great…we're great." She said, referring to her girlfriend back in San Francisco.
He nodded and let her go to their mother. He sat down next to David, who was sitting stiffly in one of the uncomfortable blue hospital chairs, tapping his feet impatiently on the floor. "I fucking hate hospitals." David said quietly.
Dan nodded silently, looking around. The last time he'd been in this waiting room was the night Sam had died. He would venture to guess that he was definitely not the only one thinking about Sammy at that moment as he looked at his family. His sister and mother talking quietly, heads bent together, arms around each other. He and David sitting on the aforementioned blue chairs from hell. He looked at David and raised his eyebrows.
"You too huh?" David said, smiling slightly. "Yeah, I've been thinking about him all day."
Dan nodded, blinking. "It was the last time I was in here."
David nodded. "Me too… I've made it a habit to not come back here."
Jennifer made her way over to them and sat next to Dan. She looped her arm through his and rested her head on his shoulder. "How've ya been?" She asked.
He shrugged. "I've been alright."
She smiled. "You look good, Danny." She frowned slightly. "Aside from the bags under your eyes."
He laughed slightly. "Yeah, thanks."
She laughed. "Hey, I'm just saying…"
"Yeah, I know."
David leaned over to her. "So, did you tell Dad about Sarah? Is that why he's here?" He asked with a slight smirk.
She gave him a mock loathsome look. "Fuck you."
He laughed. "I was just wondering."
"You know, he called me yesterday afternoon. It was very strange." She said, sitting up.
"Yeah?" Dan asked. "What was so strange about it? He calls you a lot more often than me… or David apparently."
She frowned. "Yeah, but what was so strange was that he called me from a plane."
David looked at Dan and then back to Jennifer. "Oh yeah? What'd he say?" Dan looked at her, wondering that himself.
"He asked me if he ever made me feel like he didn't love me."
Dan barely contained his gasp at that. "What?"
She nodded. "I said I always knew he did, but yeah, sometimes he did make me feel like he didn't love me." Tears came to her eyes. "I was kinda thinking maybe that had something to do with…"
Dan put his arm around her, heaving a big sigh. "No, Jen, if anyone was the cause of this, it was me."
"No it wasn't, man. He did this to himself." David said adamantly.
"You?" Jennifer asked Dan, looking at him. "Why?"
"He finally told the prick off Jen." David said, smiling at Dan.
Dan looked at him, not sure just how to react. "Dude, he's laying down that hall right now, at deaths door… do you have to call him a prick?"
David shrugged. "He is what he is Danny. I didn't make him that way, he did."
"Well," Jennifer said, ignoring the argument. "For what it's worth Danny, I'm glad you did. It was way too long in coming."
Dan looked at her. "Yeah? You thought so too?"
She nodded. "Yeah, he treated you like shit." She smiled and squeezed his arm. "What made you finally do it?"
Dan shrugged. "I guess I'd just finally had enough." He looked at their mother standing a few feet away and became distinctly uncomfortable. "Can we not talk about this right now? Right here?"
"Sure baby." Jen said, resting her head back down. "That explains the call at least."
David stood up and started to pace. "Okay, this not knowing is fucking killing me…." He said, laughing shortly.
Dan watched him, wondering exactly what was going through David's mind at that moment. One minute he looked and talked like he hated him, and the next he was pacing the floor, looking like he was going to burst from tension. But maybe Dan could identify with that myriad of emotions. In fact, yes, Dan could definitely identify with that particular myriad of emotions, for that was what he was experiencing at that very moment as well.
[NY : Dana's office : 5:00p.m.]
"Dana?"
Dana looked up from her pile of paper work and smiled at her friend. "Natatalie!" She said playfully.
"Natatalie?" Natalie asked, laughing.
"What can I say, I'm punchy from so much damn paperwork!" Dana said, motioning to her couch. "Sit! Converse with me, mon frere… no wait… mere? What is sister?"
"Souer."
"Converse with me, mon souer…" Dana crinkled her nose. "Are you sure?"
Natalie laughed. "Dana, I'm sure."
"I could have sworn it was an –ere word."
"No… no, frere is brother, and mere is mother… pere is father if you'd like to know. And voulez vous couche avec moi, se soir, is will you sleep with me tonight!"
Dana frowned. "Natalie, are you hitting on me?"
"No, Dana, we're just having one of our more ridiculous conversations."
Dana nodded, propping her feet on her desk. "And have I told you lately how much I enjoy those?"
"Many, many times," Natalie said, sitting on the black leather couch and turning to look at Dana. "But seriously Dana, can I talk to you?"
Dana frowned and extracted her feet from her desk. "Of course, Natalie." She stood and walked over to the couch. Sitting she added, "Of course you can."
Natalie took a deep breath. "Okay," she said, shaking her head and trying to sort out her thoughts before plunging hip deep into them for Dana to hear. "Okay, but first I need you to promise that you won't judge me. That you won't make judgments about the person I'm about to speak of or me … okay? Can you promise me that?"
Dana nodded. "Of course. Natalie, you're scaring me."
Natalie laughed slightly, deciding to just dive on in. "I slept with Dan."
Dana sat there for a moment, shocked to her core. "You.. o-okay."
Natalie nodded. "Monday night.. after the show."
"You just.. you just… did it? Just like that?"
Natalie shook her head. "Of course we didn't just do it, Dana. It wasn't like I just said, 'Hey Danny, wanna have sex now?' It wasn't planned, it just happened."
Dana nodded slowly. "I'm gonna need more to go on here."
Natalie nodded. "I was about to… So, he was upset Monday right?"
"Uh huh…"
"About his Dad."
"Right, I remember."
Natalie sighed and leaned into the couch. "Well, I forced him to take me to Waffle House so I could cheer him up. We talked a little bit about it there, but he didn't really open up that much until we got back to his place…" She covered her heart and tears sprang to her eyes. "I've never seen so much pain in my life Dana. Never."
Dana nodded, sad. "Parents can do that to you."
Natalie shook her head. "No, it was so much more than that though! He… he blames himself for Sam… for his brother…"
"Oh… Oh, poor Danny…." Dana said, sympathizing.
"And he just.. it's like he broke, right there before my eyes…" Natalie closed her eyes, capturing the heartbreaking image of Danny that night. "He just, broke down.. he was crying, and he couldn't breath… I was scared for him Dana… I didn't know what else to do so…"
"You kissed him…"
Natalie nodded. "I kissed him… and it helped…. So… well, brilliant me decided that if a kiss could help, then maybe sex could heal…"
"Oh god, Natalie…"
"So I slept with him."
Dana shook her head. "Was he upset?"
"I left before he woke up."
Dana shook her head again. "Well, you shouldn't have done that." Dana put her hand on Natalie's shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "Is he terribly upset with you?"
Natalie laughed slightly. "Quite the contrary."
"Oh, no." Dana said, jumping to conclusions. "Is he being an asshole about it? Like, expecting more sex?"
Natalie shook her head adamantly. "He's been the perfect gentleman… he's been Danny."
Dana nodded. "I have to admit, I woulda been surprised at anything less."
"But here's the thing, Dana."
"What's the thing?"
Natalie looked at her, her eyes filled with sadness and confusion. "He loves me."
Dana was shocked for the second time that night. "He… loves you?"
Natalie nodded. "He loves me.. he told Casey, and last night, he told me. And then he kissed me."
Dana shook her head. "Natalie, where is all this going…."
"I don't know!" Natalie yelled, standing up. "Dana… Dana, the way he kissed me… it was like… it was so soft, so… so sweet… and yet, so passionate…" She looked at her again, her eyes wide and wild. "Dana, I've never felt a kiss like that before." She closed her eyes. "And the way he looked at me… Dana, his eyes have always floored me, but that night… that night his eyes did things to me I never knew eyes could do."
Dana leaned forward, entranced. "What did they do?"
Natalie searched for the perfect words. "They stripped me… and I don't me in a pervert, let's see what her tits look like sort of way… I mean in a soul bearing, soul searching… straight through to my heart sort of way."
Dana smiled. "Natalie are you saying…"
"I don't know what I'm saying Dana!" Natalie said, frantically pacing back and forth. "I'm so confused right now… but I do know this.. I will never be able to look at Dan the same way again."
Dana nodded. "I have noticed that he's got incredibly soulful eyes."
Natalie nodded. "Incredibly soulful, incredibly sexy… incredible period… he's got the kind of eyes that just make you fall in. Like, if you look for too long, you might get lost." She shook her head. "I've never looked at him that way before though, Dana? Why now?"
Dana shrugged. "I don't know, Natalie. Maybe it's cause it's fall.. maybe it's cause he was in pain.. maybe it's cause it was a Wednesday…. I don't know."
Natalie suddenly stopped pacing. "Oh my god." She said, covering her mouth.
Dana smiled. "Yeah?"
Natalie covered her heart. "Oh my god, Dana…" She smiled then, looking at Dana. "I'm in love with him, Dana… I feel it right here." She said, tapping her chest where her heart lay beneath.
Dana smiled and nodded. "It's about time."
Natalie cocked her head. "What?"
Dana laughed and stood, taking Natalie and hugging her. "I've been knowing for quite some time that you and he had something."
Natalie looked at her. "Why didn't you tell me?!"
Dana laughed. "Cause, it's something you have to realize on your own."
"But I always bugged you about Casey…."
Dana shrugged. "That's different… I knew I loved him, I was just in denial."
Natalie watched Dana calmly return to her desk. "For a while though?"
Dana nodded. "Natalie… who do you go to when you need a pep talk, besides me?"
"Dan..."
"Uh huh… and who do you go to when you're upset, besides me?"
"Dan…"
"And who do you go to when you…"
Natalie raised her hand. "I get the point." She shook her head. "How was I so blind?"
Dana shrugged. "It was only a matter of time, Natalie… when was the right time."
Natalie sank onto the couch. "Huh…" she said, biting her lip. "I guess it's now then, huh?"
Dana nodded. "I guess so."
[New Haven General : ICU : 6:15p.m.]
###
My shadow's shedding skin
and I've been picking
scabs again
I'm down,
digging through
my old muscles
looking for a clue
###
He sat beside his bed, deciding whether to take his hand and prey for his recovery or to get up and run out of there and hop the next plane to New York and back to CSC, where everything made sense and everything was right. He was so torn, sitting next to his father's hospital bed. He looked down at Jay Rydell, sleeping silently in that white hospital garb in the stark white room. He looked so innocent, so peaceful, so un-Jaylike to Dan right then. Not at all like the man that had caused nothing but pain to Dan for the past twelve or more years. Right now he looked almost like an angel. His face was a little pale, a little drawn. Ashen almost. If Dan didn't think about it, he looked dead. And that scared him. Of all the things he felt for Jay Rydell right then, the last thing he wished upon him was death.
###
I've been crawling on my belly
clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
and insecure delusions.
for a piece to cross me over
or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
###
He blinked roughly and took his hand then, unable to look at his face. "Hey, Dad…" he said, mumbling. "So, you are such a god damned bastard you know that?" He laughed slightly then, as much as you can really when you're trying your damndest to keep from crying. "I can't decide if I hate you right now or I love you." He took a deep breath, squeezing his hand. "Don't you fucking die on me man.. not now… not like this…"
"Such language for someone that's a distinguished sports reporter."
Dan looked up with a jerk. "Dad…"
Jay smiled and lifted his hand, looking at their hands intertwined. "I thought I was dead to you…"
"Dad…"
"I thought I was as dead to you and you were to me?" Jay looked at Dan and he was floored by the sadness mirrored in Jay's eyes.
"Dad, I'm sorry…"
###
My shadow
change is coming through my shadow
my shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
my scabs again.
###
Jay laughed slightly. "Don't be."
Dan looked at him. "What?"
"I deserved it."
Dan swallowed several times. "What are you…."
"What a prick I've been to you, Daniel… what an asshole." Jay said, trying to sit up, groaning at the effort.
Dan was unable to speak, only watching his dad's eyes tear up for the first time that he'd ever witnessed. "I…"
"I'm sorry Danny. I'm sorry for the way I've made you feel. I'm sorry for the way I've treated you… and most of all.. I'm sorry I made you doubt my love for you." Jay smiled then and gripped his son's hand. "I never stopped loving you, I just stopped being able to feel it or show it." He took a deep breath. "I was never that good with emotions son… but when Sam died… a big part of me died with him."
Dan nodded. "A big part of me died with him as well, Dad…"
###
I've been crawling on my belly
clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
and insecure delusions.
###
Jay nodded. "I know that.. I knew that… a bigger part of you died than should have, and that is my fault." He closed his eyes. "I know I took it out on you… I made you feel like you were to blame, and I knew that I made you feel that way. It wasn't my intention, but I never saw fit to correct it."
Dan's mouth worked open a few times, nothing able to come out. He felt the tears streaming down his face, and his heart literally felt like it was going to explode. "Dad, I…."
"Let me finish, please, son. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say this again, and I want it to come out right… I need it to come out right."
Dan nodded. "O… Okay…"
"I love you Daniel. As much as I am capable of, I love you." Jay said, his eyes finding Dan's and holding them. "The truth is, I blamed… no.. I blame… myself. For Sammy's death… for… for being so hard on you kids… If I hadn't been so tough on you kids, maybe none of you would have ever turned to drugs and…"
"Dad…"
Jay raised his hand and continued, his voice gruff and raw with unshed tears. "I knew… I knew you were smoking pot.. I knew and I never stopped you. I knew he was smoking pot, and I never stopped him either… I did it myself when I was your age, and frankly… I guess I never put enough stock in it. I guess, I thought… it's a phase.. They'll grow out of it like I did…" He blinked and Dan watched amazed as a tear fell out. "But then it was too late, and I didn't know what to do."
###
I wanna feel the change consume me
feel the outside turning in
I wanna feel the metamorphosis
and cleansing I've endured within
My shadow, my shadow
change is coming
now is my time
Listen to my muscle memory
contemplate what I've been clinging to
forty-six and two ahead of me.
###
Dan swallowed. "Why then… why did you… I mean…"
Jay nodded and squeezed his hand. "Why did I treat you like I did? Because, Danny… I didn't want to be close to anyone ever again. The pain and the guilt that losing Sammy made me feel… I never wanted to have to feel that again… and as wrong as it is.. looking at you, you most of all, made me remember that. You were always the most sensitive kid I ever knew…" He smiled. "And the pain that you were in…selfishly enough, I couldn't handle that… so I just turned it off… Somehow I managed to just turn off all my feelings…" He shook his head angrily. "I don't know how I did that, and I wish to God I hadn't… but I did."
Dan nodded, looking away. "Do you know? Do you know how much that hurt me? How much it hurt to think that you hated me?"
Jay shook his head. "I can imagine… Danny… I can't change that now, but… I'd like to try to start over…"
Dan shook his head. "We can't start over Dad… it's too late for that." He took a deep breath. "We can't take it back, we can't take away twelve years of pain… twelve years Dad! Twelve years of thinking you hated me… twelve years of blaming myself for Sammy… twelve years of thinking… of actually thinking…'it should have been me'…"
Jay looked down and extracted his hand from Dan's. "I'm sorry." He said quietly.
"It's too late to get it back…" Dan shook his head and took in a deep breath. "But we can try to build it back up. We can try to take it from here."
Jay looked up, hope in his eyes. "I'd like that."
###
I choose to live and to
grow, take and give and to
move, learn and love and to
cry, kill and die and to
be paranoid and to
lie, hate and fear and to
do what it takes to move through
I choose to live and to lie, kill and give and to
lie, kill and give and to
die, learn and love and to
do what it takes to step through
###
Dan nodded, breathing in deeply. He looked at his dad and tried to smile. "So, are you okay?"
Jay waved his hand in the air. "Eh… I'm fine."
"You're not fine… you had a heart attack. A massive coronary."
Jay nodded. "I'm aware."
Dan nodded. "But, you're not in pain or anything? You.. I mean, you're gonna be okay?"
Jay nodded. "The doc says I will be. He says if I take it slow, try to eliminate stress… if once I recover I get in shape, I eat well…"
"So basically, not much…" Dan said, laughing slightly.
Jay laughed along with him. "I'm glad you came Danny… thank you for coming."
Dan nodded. "Mad at you or not, I'll always love you Dad."
Jay smiled. "Yeah, I know that much about you."
"May I come in?" Dan's mother said, popping her head in.
Dan smiled at her. "Yeah, Mom, come on in."
Carol stepped in, looking oddly between Dan and Jay. "Did I hear laughter?"
Jay smiled and took Dan's hand again. "Yeah, you did."
Carol smiled and sat down on the bed, looking at Jay. "Well, it's a bout god damned time you stubborn jackass."
Dan looked at his mother in surprise and all three started to laugh.
###
See my shadow changing,
stretching up and over me
soften this old armor.
hoping I can clear the way
by stepping through my shadow
coming out the other side
step into the shadow
forty six and two are just ahead of me.
###
# "46-2" by Tool
Monday[NY : Conference room : 12:10]
"So he's coming back tonight?"
"Yes." Dana said, smiling. "His Dad's out of the hospital and he's doing well, considering."
Natalie sighed with relief. "Good, I'm glad."
Casey shook his head. "Yeah, I don't know what he would have done if he'd died…"
Dana sighed. "Let's try not to think about that."
Casey nodded. "One more thing, Dana, I need to knock off at about 8 to go pick him up at JFK. I'll be back for the show."
Dana nodded and the resumed their work-related meeting then.
[Casey and Dan's office : 4:00p.m.]
"Casey?" Natalie said as she entered his office.
Casey looked up and smiled at her. "He's fine, Natalie… he told me he was fine when I talked to him this morning."
She smiled and sat down before his desk in Dan's roll-around chair. "That's not it."
"What then?" Casey asked, smiling wider.
"Can I go pick him up Casey?" She asked.
Casey nodded. "Sure, if ya want to…"
She nodded, unable to wipe the silly grin off her face that had risen at his affirmative answer.
"What's up Natalie?"
She tried to look nonchalant. "What do you mean, Casey?"
He put his pencil down and leaned forward, "What's up?" he repeated.
Natalie broke out in a grin. "Not a thing, Casey.. not a thing except… well… turns out that I love him."
Casey sat back quickly, slightly taken aback by her blatant admission. "Turns out that way huh?"
"Yep," she said, laughing. "How bout that!"
He laughed. "That's great Natalie… truly, I'm glad."
She nodded, standing. "I love him… and I'm going to tell him, tonight."