Chapter 4: Lex
I took a step towards him. To do what I don't know. I felt sheepish and off balance something my real father hadn't inspired in me since I was ten. He'd thrown me a wild curve with his parental concern and I was fumbling with it. I opened my mouth but at that moment my heel slipped in the muck and before I could catch myself I ended up on my ass. I shifted and felt the mud/dirt sucking at me while I moved. The feeling reminded me vaguely of the time I went to a spa in the Alps and was subjected to a mud bath. I looked up when I heard a smothered snicker.
"What are you laughing at?" I said pointedly irritated. Yet suddenly I a bark of laughter escaped my lips. That set Jonathan off all over again. "It's not funny!" I denied yet the mirth in my tone betrayed me. It's not. I sternly told myself. It didn't help any. Smothering my laughter I tried to get up and slipped again this time falling on my face. My face still in the mud the hilarity of it all hit me. This kind of thing only happens on T.V.! Pulling my face from the mud I glared at Jonathan who was doubled over laughing. Determined to get UP I ignored the inner me who was rolling around on the floor of my brain laughing said brain off I grabbed onto a stall door. I made it to my feet after slipping slash running on the slop like it was ice. Still holding onto the door, I wasn't taking any chances thank you, I looked down at my once expensive clothes no longer worth five bucks. God I must look a sight. Mud on my front and backsides AND on my face. I probably look like Halloween skeleton considering my hairless state. I looked up at Jonathan. He doesn't look much better. Streaks of dirt and mud covered him from head to toe. What a mess. I felt laughter bubbling up again. The whole thing just seemed to get funnier every second and Jonathan still hadn't stopped laughing. A few chuckles escaped and before I knew it I was leaning against the door laughing along with him.
There were tears streaming down my face and a stitch in my side when I felt something warm settle over my shoulders. I stifled my normal reaction to sudden contact letting my laughter wash away the fear. "Come." (gasp) "On." (chuckle) "Let's go." (chuckle) "Inside." Momentarily I wondered what he was talking about. We were inside. Then he steered me to towards the house. I nodded unable to stop laughing. It felt so good. I couldn't find it in me to stop. Supporting each other we slipped and slid our way out of the barn. When my feet hit dry ground jolt ran through me. I'd never done anything like this with my father. I stopped walking. I stopped laughing. The pressure from Jonathan's arm disappeared but it barely registered. It felt like things were colliding together in my head smashing and making a big mess. Something was wrong. Maybe everything. This wasn't how things worked in my world. You never laughed for no reason.
"Do you want to go in?" I looked up to find a sober Jonathan holding open the door. When did he stop laughing? I shook my head. Things were just so confusing. What's going on? That's what I came here to find out. I looked from Jonathan to the door. I had a feeling if I went through that door, if I put one foot over that threshold, things would be different and they'd never be able to go back. I thought about my life. The loneliness, the pain, and the way I had to hold myself even when no one else was around, and wondered briefly why I'd ever want them to. The casual friendship and laughter I'd found in that barn was more than I'd had in a long while. My life was full of so many dark shadows. It was funny, I hadn't really noticed til just now. Now when I realized that a bit of unexplainable laughter meant so much to me. I came here expecting to demand answers. If I go through that door I'll find them. I'm sure of it. But will I want them? After what had just happened I knew they were nothing like I was expecting. Jonathan's actions weren't fitting the customary pattern of either brown noser or blind hater. I can turn around and pretend this confusing but wonderful thing never happened. I can run back to the shadow filled life that I'm used to or I can stay confront the confusing truth. There was no contest. I'd never backed down from a challenge before I wasn't going to start now. I took a deep breath and walked straight ahead through the door Jonathan had patiently been holding for the past five minutes.
I took a step towards him. To do what I don't know. I felt sheepish and off balance something my real father hadn't inspired in me since I was ten. He'd thrown me a wild curve with his parental concern and I was fumbling with it. I opened my mouth but at that moment my heel slipped in the muck and before I could catch myself I ended up on my ass. I shifted and felt the mud/dirt sucking at me while I moved. The feeling reminded me vaguely of the time I went to a spa in the Alps and was subjected to a mud bath. I looked up when I heard a smothered snicker.
"What are you laughing at?" I said pointedly irritated. Yet suddenly I a bark of laughter escaped my lips. That set Jonathan off all over again. "It's not funny!" I denied yet the mirth in my tone betrayed me. It's not. I sternly told myself. It didn't help any. Smothering my laughter I tried to get up and slipped again this time falling on my face. My face still in the mud the hilarity of it all hit me. This kind of thing only happens on T.V.! Pulling my face from the mud I glared at Jonathan who was doubled over laughing. Determined to get UP I ignored the inner me who was rolling around on the floor of my brain laughing said brain off I grabbed onto a stall door. I made it to my feet after slipping slash running on the slop like it was ice. Still holding onto the door, I wasn't taking any chances thank you, I looked down at my once expensive clothes no longer worth five bucks. God I must look a sight. Mud on my front and backsides AND on my face. I probably look like Halloween skeleton considering my hairless state. I looked up at Jonathan. He doesn't look much better. Streaks of dirt and mud covered him from head to toe. What a mess. I felt laughter bubbling up again. The whole thing just seemed to get funnier every second and Jonathan still hadn't stopped laughing. A few chuckles escaped and before I knew it I was leaning against the door laughing along with him.
There were tears streaming down my face and a stitch in my side when I felt something warm settle over my shoulders. I stifled my normal reaction to sudden contact letting my laughter wash away the fear. "Come." (gasp) "On." (chuckle) "Let's go." (chuckle) "Inside." Momentarily I wondered what he was talking about. We were inside. Then he steered me to towards the house. I nodded unable to stop laughing. It felt so good. I couldn't find it in me to stop. Supporting each other we slipped and slid our way out of the barn. When my feet hit dry ground jolt ran through me. I'd never done anything like this with my father. I stopped walking. I stopped laughing. The pressure from Jonathan's arm disappeared but it barely registered. It felt like things were colliding together in my head smashing and making a big mess. Something was wrong. Maybe everything. This wasn't how things worked in my world. You never laughed for no reason.
"Do you want to go in?" I looked up to find a sober Jonathan holding open the door. When did he stop laughing? I shook my head. Things were just so confusing. What's going on? That's what I came here to find out. I looked from Jonathan to the door. I had a feeling if I went through that door, if I put one foot over that threshold, things would be different and they'd never be able to go back. I thought about my life. The loneliness, the pain, and the way I had to hold myself even when no one else was around, and wondered briefly why I'd ever want them to. The casual friendship and laughter I'd found in that barn was more than I'd had in a long while. My life was full of so many dark shadows. It was funny, I hadn't really noticed til just now. Now when I realized that a bit of unexplainable laughter meant so much to me. I came here expecting to demand answers. If I go through that door I'll find them. I'm sure of it. But will I want them? After what had just happened I knew they were nothing like I was expecting. Jonathan's actions weren't fitting the customary pattern of either brown noser or blind hater. I can turn around and pretend this confusing but wonderful thing never happened. I can run back to the shadow filled life that I'm used to or I can stay confront the confusing truth. There was no contest. I'd never backed down from a challenge before I wasn't going to start now. I took a deep breath and walked straight ahead through the door Jonathan had patiently been holding for the past five minutes.