Disclamer: I don't own Zelda, or Nintendo or anything. If I did, Zelda would be out kicking everyone's butt. (Why else call it The Legend of ZELDA?)
Hero of Time Becomes Homicidal
Link, Hyrule's own Hero of Time, reportedly lost his control this week. The
seventeen year old went on a killing spree and is responsible for nine deaths. Among
his victims were Mido, the boss of the Kokiri, Raru, the Sage of Light, King Zora, Lord
Jabu-Jabu, a Kakariko Carpenter and a small tribe of Deku Scrubs. Link is also
reported to have killed his own fairy, Navi by suffocation. He put the fairy in a bottle and
tossed it over the waterfall in the Geurdo Valley. A team of Zoras has been sent to
search for the remains in Lake Hylia.
Though the Hero himself has been locked in the Temple of Time, and was
unavailable for comment, his friend Saria, the Sage of the Forest, who will be
representing him in court next week released the following statement. "Link has been
under a lot of stress. He is not responsible for his actions."
The Hylain Sun, however, was able to get several exclusive interviews that may lead us
to an understanding of the Hero's psyche. The first available for comment was Link's
own horse, Epona. Epona has known Link since he played a song for her when he was
ten. Seven years later, he released her from bondage under Ingo at the Lon Lon Ranch
and she has been serving him faithfully ever since.
"Transportation! That's all I was to him, transportation! He didn't understand my needs.
He didn't understand how complete I felt when he was riding me, how soothed his music
made me. He used me to see his girlfriends, or hunt poes."
Link had many girlfriends, one of which was the princess of the Zora's herself, Ruto,
who organized the search in Lake Hylia for Navi. Princess Ruto became engaged to
Link when he was ten. She has told us what she thinks of the engagement now.
"I have broken all ties with Link. I think he only became engaged to me because he
wanted the Spiritual Stone of Water, the Zora's Sapphire. I am outraged that he killed
my father, after all we Zoras have done for him."
Also willing to speak with us was Malon of the Lon Lon Ranch. Malon, a pretty
redhead, was also involved romantically with Link. They bonded seven years ago over
Epona. Malon believes that she might have been responsible for pushing Link over the
edge.
"I called him 'Fairy Boy' when we were kids. He had a fairy. He was a boy. Why
shouldn't that work? I didn't know what I was saying. It's not like I called him that when
we were older, ok so I did, but he was obviously gay. I think he had so many girlfriends to try and cover up his true feelings. I often caught him staring longingly at some of the Hylain guards in their tight pants and shiny armor.
"But I'm not completely responsible for him snapping and going all kill-happy on us. He made a living killing bad guys, that's enough to make anyone snap. I know he was teased mercilessly when he lived in the Kokiri forest, and he wasn't in touch with his feelings at all. He never communicated, just swung his sword around. At most, he gave a little grunt and his fairy did all the talking. She was annoying too. Also, Link was exposed to Redead as a child and he skipped puberty. It's Zelda's fault. She manipulated him and made him do her dirty work for her, then she broke his heart. The rest of us just wanted him to be happy. She just wanted him for his skills."
Princess Zelda, who was also involved with Link, does not believe she is responsible in the least. She will be representing Hyrule in the Hero's criminal trial next week, and will be pushing for lifetime imprisonment in the Sacred Realm with Gannodorf. If she succeeds, Link will be allowed weekly visits from a licensed psychologist in an attempt to help him recover.
Nabaroo and Darunina Engaged
They say celebrity marriages never last, but the Sage of Spirit and the Sage of Fire don't agree. Nabaroo, the Gerudo Queen, said "I do" to Darunia, Big Brother of the Gorons. The wedding is planned for July in Dodongo's Cavern with an open reception at the Desert Colossus. All are welcome who can brave the Haunted Wasteland. Link, Darunia's son from a previous marriage, is taking his father's engagement very well. Link hopes that his idol and namesake, Link the Hero of Time, will be cleared and released in time for the ceremony.
Local Woman Believes She is the Incarnation of Nayru
If you see a rather large woman dressed in a toga and wearing a golden circlet on her head, most likely it is Hildebrand, a woman native to Hyrule Castle Town. Hildebrand, who has eluded capture, has been running mad for the past week. Authorities say they would have caught her by now, but she appears to be quite harmless and there are more severe cases of madness to deal with at this time. (See page 1 for story on the Hero of Time.) The woman started believing that was is the incarnation of Nayru, the goddess of love, last Tuesday and has been spreading love ever since.
Friends say that Hildebrand was never the same after the death of Richard, her beloved puppy, three years ago. The puppy won many contests and most Hylains believed him to be a superior dog. He was Hildebrand's source of companionship and comfort, and also her claim to fame. If you see this woman, please approach her gently and try to lead her to any Hylain guard, who will take her for proper treatment.
Princess Zelda Wears Men's Underwear?
Yesterday, a Castle maid found several pairs of men's boxers and an undershirt in Princess Zelda's dresser. The maid became suspicious after the Princess requested specifically for that drawer not to be cleaned. Further inspection of the bedroom revealed more men's clothing, mainly in the fashion worn by the near-extinct Shiekah race.
The King and Queen are extremely worried and have been urging the Princess to seek consoling. She has refused, and would not discuss the matter further with them. Zelda herself gave us this comment.
"Those clothes are part of a bigger picture than anyone who will read this can guess, but they saved my life."
How could men's boxers save a princess's life? Keep reading the Hylain Sun for details as we investigate this interesting story.
Hylain Games
Last week, Hyrule saw it's first Hylain games in ten years. The event, staged in celebration of the defeat of Gannondorf. Among the exciting events, were synchronized swimming, sword fighting, down-hill skiing with out snow and horseback archery. The winner of each event was awarded a gold medal by Princess Zelda herself. The events will be held every year now that peace has been restored to Hyrule.
While the Zoras took all in the water events, it was the Hero of Time who really shined. Not only did he beat every Stalfo and Gerudo guard who he took on in the heavy-weight sword fighting category (A lizalfo named Liz took the medal in light-weight), he also made 1000 points in horseback archery. Link made no comment except to grunt at our representative and his fairy, Navi, told her rudely to leave. A goron who goes by "the rock" took the medal for wrestling and down-hill skiing without snow. Both events took place on Death Mountain.
Personal Ad's
SZP seeks SHM for LTR and marriage. Inquire in Zora's Domain.
SKM ISO tall, fit SHF who enjoys water-skiing and hiking for friendship and sparing.
Attractive GF ISO SGo for group hugs.
SZM ISO female synchronized swimming partner for next year's Hyrule Water Games.
SGoM seeks GF for fine dining, long walks in the mountains and camping by the lake.
Abbreviations
Go Goron Z Zora G Gerudo H Hylain K Kokiri
M Male F Female S Single
LTR Long Term Relationship ISO In Search Of
(Review for me please? ::swings around a plastic sword:: I'll get you with my Blinkin' technique!)