Wobbly Headed Bob Meets Tottery Noggin Fred
Authors Note:
Poor, poor Wobbly Headed Bob. He has very few fan fictions devoted to him. Very few people possess the intelligence to comprehend his mighty message. Indeed, it's hard to write about a genius that isn't some kind of mad scientist with a huge laboratory in their possession.
But I'm going to try anyway. This story is for those people, like WHB and even myself, who are very intelligent and have a lot to say, yet they are silenced by the idiots that think they know everything, for the free thinkers who are caged by common knowledge and education. This fic's for you.
* * *
Wobbly Headed Bob sat under a tree and watched as his underlings laughed and played. "Oh, alas, what I could teach these simple, stupid people." Sighed Bob. "What knowledge I could give unto them. Then I could not be so alone in my superiority!"
"My dear comrades!" A distant voice bellowed, "I see you all here and you are blind! Blind to the great and eternal truth!"
At this, Bob got up. A crowd was flocking to a small area of the park, where the voice was coming from. Bob listened eagerly.
"Yes, I alone am the sole bearer of truth, I know the way to your salvation! No longer will your existence remain meaningless and petty, but you will be better! Wiser! Healthier! Prettier! And, dare I say it, Superior! Join me, comrades, and I shall lead you to the Truth!"
By now, Bob was edging through the crowd to see this strange prophet for himself. He gasped. The newcomer, like Bob, had a large head, but was slightly taller and plumper, and had large, point ears. Bob regained his composure and asked of this newcomer, "Who are you to say that you alone are the dispenser of Truth?"
"Why, I am none other than the great Tottery Noggin Fred." Answered the newcomer. "And I have come to enlighten you, silly, stupid person."
"Enlighten me?" Asked Bob. "But that was my duty before you ever set foot here! I thought I was alone in my vast knowledge and wisdom, but it seems now I have someone who can spare me of my misery of being superior."
"Misery? You poor, stupid soul." Said Fred. "I pity thee. Indeed, you seem smarter than the others around me, but certainly you are no match for my own wisdom, for it takes true wisdom to know about the futility of life and love and to accept it with happiness despite the ugly truth! You, sir, blind yourself to the rare beauty of the world and send yourself into perpetual misery! You fool! Join me in my quest for the truth and shed your stupidity!"
Bob was taken aback. "Stupid? Me? What reason is there to be happy about life? How can one just cast aside the fact that existence itself is one long and untiring cycle, like a well-oiled machine? That is foolishness in itself!"
"Foolish or not," Replied Fred, "it does not matter. The fool is happier than the scholar, though not superior. To know much and to achieve happiness. that is true domination." Fred turned to the crowd and said, "Off we go, my comrades. Let us leave this sad, pathetic creature be and find true bliss!" And he led all of them off, leaving Bob ashamed and dumbfounded.
* * *
Weeks passed and more and more people began to follow Tottery Noggin Fred. Bob watched as regulars at the park began to disappear altogether, it seemed. Fred had gained a cult following, and set up a community for all those who wished to follow him in an old, abandoned farmhouse. Bob's dislike for Fred grew greater with each passing day, and soon Bob was scorning him. But the more he loathed Fred, the more his curiosity about his community grew. Bob finally decided to pop by the old farmhouse and find out what exactly Fred was up to.
Bob came by at night and first visited the barn. There, among the hay and straw, the followers of Fred slept peacefully. Bob found it odd that they decided to sleep in such primitive conditions. He wondered if this was part of Fred's teachings.
He then walked cautiously up to the farmhouse itself. The lights were on inside, and Fred's silhouette was projected onto the peeling wallpaper of the room. Bob hoisted himself on top of a barrel to get a better look. He gasped at what he saw.
Fred was resting in a comfortable armchair, counting money happily and contentedly smoking a pipe. A fire was blazing in the small fireplace, and compared to his followers, Fred was living like a king, it seemed. Bob could stand it no longer. He opened the window wide enough for his large head to squeeze through and landed in the room, with a disgruntled look on his face.
Fred turned towards Bob casually. "Why, hello there, Bob." He said with a grin on his face. "How's life treating you?"
"Don't give me any of your small talk!" Said Bob, enraged. "You speak of these people receiving the truth, when you feed them lies! They live like dogs while you sit back and count money!"
"Oh, come now, Bob." Said Fred. "They are happy. These people are too stupid think for themselves, so they need a leader. Any leader will do, whether it is a God or a King. They become unsatisfied with their present leader, and always seek out new ones. They're never completely content with the way things are. I'm not stupid Bob, and neither are you. Both of us could see beyond this. But I, unlike you, decided to take advantage of this. 'If they give you a heifer, take the rope and go.' you know. They believe everything I tell them. Why, they gave me everything they owned when I told them attachment to worldly goods was the path to damnation. Pity them. But, I give them their happiness, and I get my own in return."
"Luxuries? Money? Leadership? You call that happiness?" Asked Bob. "Surely, you don't mean to say that such material and selfish things have brought you true happiness?"
"Pamper the body and soul enough, and they will." Said Fred.
"You fool!" Said Bob. "The more things you get, the more you will want! You'll never be happy! Feeding these poor, stupid fools lies and stealing everything from them right under their noses is just despicable! Never would I degrade myself in such a way!"
"Such a shame, Bob." Said Fred. "You are smart enough to see through my plan, and yet you wish not to join me. Trying to save them is futile. They have pledged their loyalty to me and me alone. So, why don't you just go home and forget everything that has just happened?"
"No!" Said Bob. "I shall not! Never! I may be miserable, Fred, but I have some hope! If I had none, I would have killed myself by now! And though it may not work, I will try to save those wretched souls which you have corrupted!" And with that, Bob ran out and headed for the barn.
Fred snickered. "I think not, my friend. I think not."
* * *
Bob indeed tried to save the people who followed Fred, but his efforts were fruitless. They accused him of being a liar and spat and cursed at him, despite Bob's tears and ongoing pleas. Several times the people tried to beat Bob into a pulp. After weeks and weeks of begging and pleading, Bob gave up with a heavy heart and went back home.
At this, the followers rejoiced. They continued to worship Fred as if he was a god, blowing kisses to him as he walked by and praising his name to no end. This went on for several months. Then, one day, Fred announced that, through his great omniscient powers, he knew that a battle was raging between Heaven and Hell, and that Archangels were falling victim to Satan's great, dark army. At this, panic spread among the people. But, as always, Fred had the answer. He said that through death, their souls would become part of Heaven's army and save God's Kingdom. The people believed him without question, and in one of the most horrible mass suicides ever, stabbed themselves and bled to death. Not a soul survived. Fred, on the other hand, watched all the slaughter from a distance. After the last follower died, he ran off with all of the money they had given him, and flew off to another country. There, he got plastic surgery and started to preach the Holy Truth yet again to his unsuspecting followers.
And while all this happened, Bob just leaned up against a tree and sighed.
The End.
Authors Note:
Poor, poor Wobbly Headed Bob. He has very few fan fictions devoted to him. Very few people possess the intelligence to comprehend his mighty message. Indeed, it's hard to write about a genius that isn't some kind of mad scientist with a huge laboratory in their possession.
But I'm going to try anyway. This story is for those people, like WHB and even myself, who are very intelligent and have a lot to say, yet they are silenced by the idiots that think they know everything, for the free thinkers who are caged by common knowledge and education. This fic's for you.
* * *
Wobbly Headed Bob sat under a tree and watched as his underlings laughed and played. "Oh, alas, what I could teach these simple, stupid people." Sighed Bob. "What knowledge I could give unto them. Then I could not be so alone in my superiority!"
"My dear comrades!" A distant voice bellowed, "I see you all here and you are blind! Blind to the great and eternal truth!"
At this, Bob got up. A crowd was flocking to a small area of the park, where the voice was coming from. Bob listened eagerly.
"Yes, I alone am the sole bearer of truth, I know the way to your salvation! No longer will your existence remain meaningless and petty, but you will be better! Wiser! Healthier! Prettier! And, dare I say it, Superior! Join me, comrades, and I shall lead you to the Truth!"
By now, Bob was edging through the crowd to see this strange prophet for himself. He gasped. The newcomer, like Bob, had a large head, but was slightly taller and plumper, and had large, point ears. Bob regained his composure and asked of this newcomer, "Who are you to say that you alone are the dispenser of Truth?"
"Why, I am none other than the great Tottery Noggin Fred." Answered the newcomer. "And I have come to enlighten you, silly, stupid person."
"Enlighten me?" Asked Bob. "But that was my duty before you ever set foot here! I thought I was alone in my vast knowledge and wisdom, but it seems now I have someone who can spare me of my misery of being superior."
"Misery? You poor, stupid soul." Said Fred. "I pity thee. Indeed, you seem smarter than the others around me, but certainly you are no match for my own wisdom, for it takes true wisdom to know about the futility of life and love and to accept it with happiness despite the ugly truth! You, sir, blind yourself to the rare beauty of the world and send yourself into perpetual misery! You fool! Join me in my quest for the truth and shed your stupidity!"
Bob was taken aback. "Stupid? Me? What reason is there to be happy about life? How can one just cast aside the fact that existence itself is one long and untiring cycle, like a well-oiled machine? That is foolishness in itself!"
"Foolish or not," Replied Fred, "it does not matter. The fool is happier than the scholar, though not superior. To know much and to achieve happiness. that is true domination." Fred turned to the crowd and said, "Off we go, my comrades. Let us leave this sad, pathetic creature be and find true bliss!" And he led all of them off, leaving Bob ashamed and dumbfounded.
* * *
Weeks passed and more and more people began to follow Tottery Noggin Fred. Bob watched as regulars at the park began to disappear altogether, it seemed. Fred had gained a cult following, and set up a community for all those who wished to follow him in an old, abandoned farmhouse. Bob's dislike for Fred grew greater with each passing day, and soon Bob was scorning him. But the more he loathed Fred, the more his curiosity about his community grew. Bob finally decided to pop by the old farmhouse and find out what exactly Fred was up to.
Bob came by at night and first visited the barn. There, among the hay and straw, the followers of Fred slept peacefully. Bob found it odd that they decided to sleep in such primitive conditions. He wondered if this was part of Fred's teachings.
He then walked cautiously up to the farmhouse itself. The lights were on inside, and Fred's silhouette was projected onto the peeling wallpaper of the room. Bob hoisted himself on top of a barrel to get a better look. He gasped at what he saw.
Fred was resting in a comfortable armchair, counting money happily and contentedly smoking a pipe. A fire was blazing in the small fireplace, and compared to his followers, Fred was living like a king, it seemed. Bob could stand it no longer. He opened the window wide enough for his large head to squeeze through and landed in the room, with a disgruntled look on his face.
Fred turned towards Bob casually. "Why, hello there, Bob." He said with a grin on his face. "How's life treating you?"
"Don't give me any of your small talk!" Said Bob, enraged. "You speak of these people receiving the truth, when you feed them lies! They live like dogs while you sit back and count money!"
"Oh, come now, Bob." Said Fred. "They are happy. These people are too stupid think for themselves, so they need a leader. Any leader will do, whether it is a God or a King. They become unsatisfied with their present leader, and always seek out new ones. They're never completely content with the way things are. I'm not stupid Bob, and neither are you. Both of us could see beyond this. But I, unlike you, decided to take advantage of this. 'If they give you a heifer, take the rope and go.' you know. They believe everything I tell them. Why, they gave me everything they owned when I told them attachment to worldly goods was the path to damnation. Pity them. But, I give them their happiness, and I get my own in return."
"Luxuries? Money? Leadership? You call that happiness?" Asked Bob. "Surely, you don't mean to say that such material and selfish things have brought you true happiness?"
"Pamper the body and soul enough, and they will." Said Fred.
"You fool!" Said Bob. "The more things you get, the more you will want! You'll never be happy! Feeding these poor, stupid fools lies and stealing everything from them right under their noses is just despicable! Never would I degrade myself in such a way!"
"Such a shame, Bob." Said Fred. "You are smart enough to see through my plan, and yet you wish not to join me. Trying to save them is futile. They have pledged their loyalty to me and me alone. So, why don't you just go home and forget everything that has just happened?"
"No!" Said Bob. "I shall not! Never! I may be miserable, Fred, but I have some hope! If I had none, I would have killed myself by now! And though it may not work, I will try to save those wretched souls which you have corrupted!" And with that, Bob ran out and headed for the barn.
Fred snickered. "I think not, my friend. I think not."
* * *
Bob indeed tried to save the people who followed Fred, but his efforts were fruitless. They accused him of being a liar and spat and cursed at him, despite Bob's tears and ongoing pleas. Several times the people tried to beat Bob into a pulp. After weeks and weeks of begging and pleading, Bob gave up with a heavy heart and went back home.
At this, the followers rejoiced. They continued to worship Fred as if he was a god, blowing kisses to him as he walked by and praising his name to no end. This went on for several months. Then, one day, Fred announced that, through his great omniscient powers, he knew that a battle was raging between Heaven and Hell, and that Archangels were falling victim to Satan's great, dark army. At this, panic spread among the people. But, as always, Fred had the answer. He said that through death, their souls would become part of Heaven's army and save God's Kingdom. The people believed him without question, and in one of the most horrible mass suicides ever, stabbed themselves and bled to death. Not a soul survived. Fred, on the other hand, watched all the slaughter from a distance. After the last follower died, he ran off with all of the money they had given him, and flew off to another country. There, he got plastic surgery and started to preach the Holy Truth yet again to his unsuspecting followers.
And while all this happened, Bob just leaned up against a tree and sighed.
The End.