Author's Notes: Thanks a lot for the reviews. You're the reason for
everyone here in this net to go on and write. Well, here's second chapter.
I don't know yet if the fic it's gonna end here, or if I'll do a third
chapter. I'll decide in the process. Sap, angst, lots of 01 and 02
friendship, as in my opinion, they're each other's person to trust and
count on. And yes, from my point of view, Duo is really strong to be
holding back his pain during all those years, but I also consider it's time
for him to let go of it. Duo will finally break.
"Facing a Past's Shadow"
Chapter Two
Sudden shots and loud noises thundered all over the area, as the Preventors ships arrived with backup forces. The ozies were still confused by the former explosions, and therefore, they were caught unprepared.
Inside the interrogation room, the four pilots were still staring directly at Duo, who finally released Dardou, letting the immobile body to fall to the ground.
*click*
The muffled sound of the empty gun was barely audible. A second later Dardou fainted, almost sure he was going to be assassinated in the spot. But the gun was EMPTY. Duo let his face drop, his bangs hiding his features. He lifted the gun in his right hand and the cartridge in the left one. He had removed it without anyone noticing it.
The four teens stayed quiet, silently observing Duo's unspoken declaration against vengeance. Some seconds later, Duo dropped both things, and with his face still hidden by his hair, he crossed the dark room, heading towards the hangars where their Gundams were being held.
Heero and the others waited an instant before they also walked in that direction. As they reached the hangar, troops of Preventors burst in every room, capturing each one of the ozies in that facility, including the Sub commander and general Dardou. Endless time in prison was their sure destiny...
-----o-----
Five suits-carriers, with five huge Gundams, were making their way among the darkness of space, until they reached Earth's atmosphere, heading towards the seaport were one of Howard's ships was waiting for them.
No one made a connection with the carrier transporting DeathScythe, which was the first one to reach the port.
Inside his carrier, Quatre clutched at his chest, a wave of pain constricting his heart. But once again, the flash of pain disappeared within a minute.
When the pilots landed and came out of their ships, the 02 pilot had already came out and was walking towards the automatic gates, without saying a word to anyone. He crossed the door and made his way into the halls.
"I think he wants to be left alone" -Trowa murmured.
"We can't leave him alone" -Quatre interrupted him, worry painted in his features- "He is in pain. I can feel it" -he added, his hand over his heart.
"We can't wait, or he'll close into himself. We have to look for him" -Heero said in his decided tone, and they all nodded.
After several minutes of searching, the pilots found their friend in one of his favorite spots. He was sitting in front of a large window in one of the vacated rooms in that sea ship.
He was still clad in his black suit, now all battered by the beatings of the last days. He was sitting against a wall, his arms folded over his chest, his face bowed, the locks of hair shadowing his closed eyes. By his stillness and the breathing rhythm, anyone would have thought he was asleep. But the pilots knew he was not.
Heero was the first one to cross the room, until he was standing in front of him, the other 3 youngsters followed.
"Duo" -the Japanese boy called, but he got no response- "Duo" -he called again. Heero showed no trace of emotion, as usual, though something was squirming inside of him, telling him something was really wrong with Duo.
"Duo. We want to speak with you" -Quatre's soft voice replaced 01's, at the time his pale hand reached towards Duo.
The American boy seemed to wake up in that moment. He lifted his hands at his face's level, brushing away his own hair, though he didn't open his eyes.
"Hmm?" -was the response 04 got from him.
"Duo, we...well, we just want to talk for a while.....we want to know how are you feeling....."
"Oh, I'm tired" -the 02 pilot replied without looking at them- "I think I'll better go and sleep for a while" -he murmured.
"We won't leave and you won't leave either. Not yet" - Heero cut off Duo's attempt to run away from them.
Trowa and Wufei nodded in agreement.
"We are worried..." -Quatre started to say.
To everyone's surprise, Duo's normal, content voice interrupted him.
"Thanks guys, but I'm fine. Really. Just wanna think for a moment, ya know? I wanna be alone for a while...." -he said, lifting his face, a smile in his lips, but a slight saddened pair of violet eyes.
Quatre breathed deeply, taking one step closer, placing a hand over 02's shoulder.
"No, Duo. We can't leave you alone" -the blond soldier said, closing his eyes, the physical connection allowing him to establish the emotional connection with the braided boy.
"Especially not now, Duo" -Trowa said in his usual quiet manner.
"I already told you, guys, I'm fine, k?" -Duo repeated, trying with all his will to use his normal voice, but the lie was ripping him apart.
"No, Duo, it's not true" -Quatre's soft voice trembled with suppressed feelings- "I can feel...such a deep grief, such an enormous agony..." -Quatre's expression was twitched in pain, as he struggled for not stumbling down, his other hand looking for support on the wall. The wave of emotions was so intense.
The others stepped ahead, taking hold of the Neo-arabic. Now they were worried about both 02 and 04.
Duo sighed and he bowed his face one more time. On his side, Quatre caught his breath again and lifted his head, his Prussian blue eyes a bit perplexed. The connection had been cut off. It was like a shield that separated himself from the American boy.
"I'm sorry, Cat. I won't do that again. I just didn't realize you were so close to feel...." -Duo mumbled in apology.
"No, Duo you're just making it worse. If you trap all those emotions inside, instead of letting them out, they'll slowly kill you..." -the Sandrock pilot said with exasperation.
"Now that's a bit silly, ne? You can't kill Death" -Duo tried a bright smile, but it lacked sincerity- "Unless, of course, if Death is already dead, ya know? After all, I've been dead since many years ago...."
The four pilots remained silent at 02's words. There was pain hidden in them. Heero tried his best to remain calm and strong, as he lowered himself to Duo's face level. He pressed his lips as he saw how his friend turned his gaze away from him.
"Why don't you look at me, Duo?" -he asked in a gentler voice, still a bit uncomfortable with the others' listening to him- "Why are you isolating from us? You don't want to be left alone, Duo, I know that....Look at me, I want to see you, Duo....."
Duo shook his head, still his face turned away from them.
"No, not yet....my mask is weak..."
The comment made in low voice was painfully real, and Duo and the others knew it well. The cheerful alter ego was just one of the two faces Duo had. But this Duo was not strong enough in those moments to hold the façade perfectly, and he wasn't ready to let the others see it.....
Suddenly, Duo got up from his seat, as he briskly walked among them, heading to the door. Quatre was immediately following him.
"Duo, wait! Where are...."
"Fresh air. I need some fresh air" -the slender figure replied without looking back, but he stopped when Wufei stood in front of him, blocking the door.
"Wait a minute, Maxwell" -he said- "I cannot allow you to leave this room yet. I know this may not be the proper moment, but we all need to talk" -the black eyes showed a determinate glance- "I....think I hadn't been the comrade you have been for us. I have also made wrong comments about your behavior. You said it wasn't fair for me to talk without knowledge, well...it's true. It wasn't fair. If you give us the opportunity to understand you, we'll try our best to help you......"
"I don't want anything now. I just want to...be alone, that's all. Let me pass, Wufei" -Duo replied curtly as he continued his way, but a hand holding him back from his wrist halted him.
Without releasing his grasp, Heero stood in front of him.
"Don't run away" -was the harsh command.
"I'm not doing that" -a distant voice came from Duo's lips.
"Then stay here, with us" -Quatre pleaded. Trowa nodded.
"We are offering you support..." -Wufei added.
"I've lived many years with this. I can handle it by myself, thanks" -02's voice raised a bit.
"Don't face it alone" -the Japanese pilot said.
"I've always been alone!" -Duo replied, his voice rosed as well as his face.
Heero received the violet glance directly. For a couple of seconds, he could almost read in those eyes the despair of a life in complete loneliness. Yes, Heero knew about it. He could read that pain taking over his friend.
"Not anymore, Duo" -Quatre said as he walked closer to 01 and 02- "We are with you now. We are your friends, we are your family, we are here for you, close to you...."
"No, you can't....you mustn't. I don't want to harm those who are close to me again. I don't have the right" -the tenor voice turned into a whisper again, as Duo shook his head adamantly- "I failed them twice. I don't deserve anything..if Death could only die once and for all...."
"Don't you say that!" -Heero snapped in anger at the double-meaning of the sentence.
His voice was accompanied by the movement of his other hand, in the sequence of rising and then lowering rapidly towards Duo's face.
The braided, now quiet boy didn't move, waiting for the blow. But after a minute when nothing happened, he fixed his eyes in the front to look at his partner.
Heero's hand had stopped in middle air, his face had an unusual worried and somehow sad expression. Then, 01 lifted his right hand, which was holding Duo's wrist, and with his left one, took hold of 02's left hand.
There was a tiny blood track slipping over Duo's palms, since he had cut himself with his nails while clenching his hands in fury against Dardou.
"Look at your hands" -the blue-eyed pilot murmured without turning his glance away.
A second later, a warm drop fell upon one of Heero's hand, startling him. The drop slid slowly on his skin and then fell to the floor.
Though his face was hidden by the locks of chestnut hair, the shinning way the single tear had left on Duo's cheek was still visible. The tear that had fallen on Heero's hands.
For an instant, the four boys in the room were mute, completely shocked.
Releasing Duo's wrists, Heero gave one more step and encircled the boy with his arms, in a hesitant hug. Duo didn't move, letting the strong arms hold him. Quatre put a comforting hand on 02's shoulder, and Trowa and Wufei got closer, trying to transmit their warmth in a collective sign of friendship and understanding.
Duo closed his eyes as he sighed deeply. No, he decided, he wouldn't let his grief out. He could feel the wound ripping his heart, but he had to be strong. He had promised. Even if keeping that promise was slowly killing him, he didn't want the others, or anyone, to see his pain. Even if the others were being so kind, he couldn't.
The DeathScythe pilot lifted his hands, pushing himself off of Heero's embrace, undoing the circle the other four pilots had made around him. The others stared at him puzzled as Duo took a couple of steps back from them.
"Duo?" -Quatre called again.
"Thanks, guys, but you don't have to worry. I mean, of course it hurts, but I am fine" -a small smile hovered in his face, his expression calm, his glance steady.
Heero fixed his blue eyes in the amethyst ones, and he was almost surprised to find out that Duo's eyes were not blurry or moist. The violet was clear, no trace of tears in them.
"I hope you don't mind if I take a little break, right?" -the smile in 02's features stayed impassive- "I would appreciate if you let me some time off" -he said as he dusted himself, probably feeling uncomfortable under the scrutiny of the four glances of his friends.
Quatre had the intention to say something, but he stopped in middle way, not exactly sure of what to say. Wufei frowned slightly as he side looked Trowa, whose green eyes held a hint of sadness.
The silence of the room was perturbed only for the sound of Duo's steps as he headed towards the doors, which closed immediately after him.
"But...what happened? I thought we were reaching him..." -Quatre said, turning his confused blue-green glance at the others.
"It's like something is holding him back" -Trowa said in his calm manner.
"Maxwell's honor is admirable" -Wufei added, his onyx orbs fixed in the distant- "Though his interior struggle must be hard. It's a heavy burden he has been bearing with since long ago"
"But I know he hurts badly. It would be better if he allowed himself to let go of that pain" -Quatre mildly protested.
Trowa put a hand on 04's shoulder, knowing the blonde was feeling frustrated for not helping more.
"Maybe it was not the moment, Quatre, nor the place." -Trowa tried to reassure his friend- "Probably, Duo knows he is not doing the right thing, but it is hard for him to let go. If he has lived all these years hiding this, it may be almost impossible to reveal it so..openly, especially after that torture, and now with all of us here watching him." - the 03 pilot added thoughtfully.
Quatre and Wufei nodded, agreeing with the European's comment. The Shenlong pilot turned his glance to watch Heero, who had been silent all the time.
"Heero" -the Chinese boy called.
01's wistful features turned to the one addressing him. Immediately, the other boys were also looking at him. They didn't say anything, but it wasn't necessary. The Wing pilot knew what they were asking.
"I don't know how is he feeling for real" -came the answer a moment later- "And I don't know what to do. Maybe time and some distance" -he vaguely suggested.
"Are you sure, Heero? After being lonely so much time, do you think that will help him?" -the Neo-arabic asked worriedly.
"No" -Heero almost sighed at the reply- "It probably won't"
"Heero" -Wufei's eyes were deadly serious as he spoke- "You're closer to him. You know him better than us. Can we entrust Duo to you?"
The 04 and 03 pilot joined in the serious contemplation of the Wing pilot, waiting for a reply.
"Hai" -came the soft voice.
-----o-----
Nights on sea are beautiful. The water seems like a deep mirror, which reflects hundreds of little shining stars hanging from above. The wind brings the scent of distant horizons mixed with soft tunes of unknown instruments, lulling the waves and the sand.
Heero spent hours standing against the ship's railing. His thoughts were drifting and coming back, from here and there and here and there again. Lurking. Seeking. For a solution, a word, a feeling, anything. Anything he could offer to Duo.
But what could he possibly offer to relieve Duo's pain? He had nothing. Nothing but....the friendship that had grown up between them, the knowledge of Duo's past, the memories of Duo's dreams, the confessions from Duo's own lips, the time they had learn to share, the sometimes silly discussions they had, the trust, the promises, the....
The Japanese pilot straightened his back, staring at the sea once again. He had more than he had first imagined. Yes, that's why Duo had been entrusted to him. Because Heero himself had first been entrusted to Duo. Now the problem was to learn how to canalize all that fragments of friendship to help Duo in these precise moments.
The pilot breathed deeply as he turned away from his position, accessing into the ship, heading towards the rooms. That was the place he knew he would find Duo.
Despite everything, he felt his stomach complain with knots, feeling he was heading towards a battle in a handicapped manner. He stood in front of the room's doors, listening to every sound around him.
Silence.
It was a bit late by now, but he knew Duo wasn't sleeping. In fact, he knew Duo wouldn't sleep during all night, secretly trying to avoid his nightmares.
He knocked. Once. Twice. Silence, no answer.
'I promised you, Duo, remember? I once promised you that if I saw you edging into your inner pain, I would have to reach you. I tried to do that today, but you rejected me. Why did you do that, Duo?'
Heero entered the code in the electronic door as his mind continued to prepare for the moment.
'I don't know why, but I have to keep trying. I promised you. I won't let you down on this, Duo. I know you asked me to leave you alone, not to press you, but Duo, for your own good, I have to keep trying..'
The Japanese teen slid silently into the room, noticing every detail in the surroundings. The lights were on, but the bed was empty. The blankets were crumpled, clear sign of someone sitting there, surely for a long time. The black tight pants and the black priestly jacket were spread on the floor.
He gave some steps more, catching a glimpse of a silhouette through the open door of the bathroom.
Heero stood quietly in the place, even restricting his breath. Duo hadn't noticed his presence. He was completely sure of this, because standing there was Duo, his back turned to him, his long hair falling around him.
During those years of knowing among them, the pilots had learned one of the things Duo didn't like was for the people to see him with his hair down. Just in a couple of times, when his braid had gotten loose among a battle, had they got a rapid sight of it.
Not even Heero, his friend and roommate, was allowed to. Whenever Duo came out of the shower, he had a towel wrapped around the mass of chestnut cascade.
So now, the older pilot remained silent, contemplating the rare scene. The American teen's hair was unbelievable long and beautiful, the crossing patterns of the restricting braid slightly marked among the strands. The honey colored locks seemed to sway with some faint breeze.
Heero's stare wandered on the waterfall of spilling color a moment more, until his attention reached Duo's face. The amethyst eyes were forcefully closed, his lips pressed together. Still. The longhaired boy was totally still.
Blue eyes lowered a bit, taking in the image of Duo's hands, clenching the sides of the sink so strongly, that his knuckles were becoming white. Red lines were sliding down his skin, sliding down the sink, sliding over jagged pieces of crystal filling the sink.
The blue glance lifted abruptly, looking at the mirror....but there was no mirror, just a hole in the place where the crystal was supposed to reflect the face of the person standing in front of it. The numerous slithers of shattered glass where scattered with crimson droplets of blood, filling the sink.
"God....oh God....not again....." -the murmurs where voiced so desperately, the tone filled with sorrow- "Not again...make it go away...I don't want to see it..."
Unconsciously, Heero gave a step back. Not the moment, he mused, not the moment. Duo was struggling to keep his mask in place, and Heero had no idea what to do in that situation.
"Please no....no.....I've had enough...no!"
Another step back. This was Duo's greatest secret, his other face. This was something Heero knew the American boy had been hiding from everyone, something he wasn't supposed to see, not without Duo's permission. And Duo had always insisted that he wasn't ready, not even to show it to Heero.
01 turned away, feeling he was witnessing something prohibited, as he got a glimpse of the suffering painted in 02's expression.
'I always wondered how much time would Duo be able to hold the façade...and now, it's happening. Is the mask really breaking?'
The quiet steps continued as Heero walked away, when suddenly, a muffled sound answered his musings....
The muffled sound of a sob.
Heero stood frozen in place. What? No, it couldn't be. It was not possible, Duo never.....
The soft sound was repeated, cutting his track of thoughts.
A dull ache started to pound in Heero's heart, as the sobs continued.
///////////// When tears overcome you.... I don't know what to do.... My heart aches whenever you feel sad...////////////// (1)
For an instant, the Japanese pilot felt the urge to run out of the room, to escape that, to forget what he had heard....for just an instant, before he snapped back, to the fact that his best friend needed him. And he wasn't letting him down.
He made his way back and entered the bathroom, where Duo continued murmuring, now his face hid between his hands.
Strong hands took hold of his shoulders, as Heero turned Duo around to face him. The 02 pilot started, confused at the touch. Among slender fingers, his violet eyes widened at the touch, and widened even more when he saw Heero.
This time, the long eyelashes were moist, the amethyst depths clouded by tears, softly rolling down the American's face.
"Get out" -the unsteady voice complained as Duo tried to jerk out of Heero's hold.
"Hush, Duo, it's o.k." -the Japanese boy whispered, his arms not releasing him, but encircling him more firmly.
"No.....please.....go...."
Duo protested slightly, still trying to free himself, but the grasp was strong, and in that moment, he was weak, in every way. Heero hugged him fiercely, somehow scared by how Duo was trembling, trembling uncontrollably.
"It's time, boy.... It's time to let it go. You've fought too much time against it. You deserve to heal your heart...." -Heero murmured in soft voice as he pressed Duo against his chest, unconsciously trying to suffocate the pain that was engulfing his friend.
"I don't want to...." -came the shaky reply, cut by sobs- "I....I am afraid....God no, please no....I'm afraid....."
"Shhhh, Duo. It's o.k if you're afraid. I'm here with you. I'm not going anywhere. I am here for you"
And Heero closed his eyes, as a smile traced his lips.
//////////////// I can't help you, even if I'm next to you.... but whenever you're sad, come to me..... and I'll give you a smile, just like you taught me to..././//////(1)
And the walls shattered.
Shaky hands took hold of Heero's shoulders as Duo returned the hug, the sobs breaking into tears. The delicate features painted with grief buried in Heero's chest, as if hiding of something. Against the shirt of the 01 pilot, the youngster continued murmuring between sobs.
"Twice..I failed them twice...I....I.....how could I......" -and the voice was cut for some seconds- "I let the.... kids died....plague.....and Solo....and then.....Sis...Sister.and the church.....oh God....."
Heero could only hold him, as he rubbed his back, letting the L2 colony pilot to weep over his painful memories. The strands of chestnut hair intertwined between his fingers as he drew his hands up and down on Duo's back.
"And...I'm... afraid..if I ....." -the whisper was interrupted by a sharp intake of air- "if I .....let it o-out....I....am falling..and it's so dark and deep......and there are only......only......"
In fact, Heero felt like even if he was holding him, Duo was falling inside a deep dark hole, far away from everything. The sudden squirm alerted him, as the trembles returned to Duo's body.
"Only screams....no!" -and Duo released his arms from around Heero, covering his ears- "They are screaming....please make them stop....no more....."
In his own inferno, Duo could see the glitter of the flames, accompanied by the screams of his kids....his kids, the ones now dead. His fear, his most enormous fear, was this. Once he had let his pain out in tears, would he be able to recover, to stand again, or would he be trapped among darkness and grief?
Heero felt him fall. He felt how his legs buckled beneath him, as Duo fell to his knees, shaking his head, his hair billowing around him.
A rare moisture stung in Heero's own eyes, as if he could also feel the heartbreaking distress. He bent beside his weeping friend, whispering in his ear.
"No, Duo, they're not screaming anymore. They're not suffering anymore. It's over, Duo. It's over. They're in peace now.. You're pain will never go, but you can learn to heal it. Only if you release the pain and if you release yourself."
And as if he was a little boy, he held and lifted Duo from the floor, carrying him to his bed.
"It's o.k, Duo. It's o.k if this time, you cry. I understand..." -said the soft voice, while Duo clasped his arms around Heero's neck, taking in the warmth his friend was offering, seeking for sympathy- "I understand, my brave friend. And I am sorry too...I'm sorry, Duo...."
Heero sat on the bed, with the younger teen still in his arms, his pale face wet with tears. He looked like a sad angel, a very sad angel.
///////////////Let me be the one you call... If you jump, I'll break your fall.... Lift you up and fly away with you into the night... If you need to fall apart..... I can mend a broken heart.... If you need to crash then crash and burn..... You're not alone......////////////////(2)
"They....aren't screaming....they aren't..crying...no more...I can't hear it....." -the soft voice coming from Duo's lips was calmer, though faint brilliant pearls still rolled down his cheeks- "Just your voice...I just hear your voice...." -he murmured, his hold on Heero less strong, though the arms around his neck had not moved, nor had he stop pressing his face against the solid chest of the Japanese pilot.
"I'm here... I won't leave you. You don't have to be afraid anymore" -said Heero as he leaned against the headboard of the bed, sighing deeply.
The moonlight slipped through the little circle window, as late night fell upon the sea.
The boy he was holding wasn't murmuring anymore, the pained eyes were closed. Blue eyes also closed, never releasing his grasp around the cherished person that was his friend. Maybe, he would be able to chase away the nightmares..Heero wasn't going anywhere.
The clock ticked away the minutes, the hours, as sleep took into its realm both boys. Duo, exhausted by his breakdown; Heero, exhausted by emotions, by the struggle to be there for Duo.
And when dawn lit up the first clouds above the ocean, a set of amethyst pools slowly opened.
The warmth that had accompanied him was still there, wrapping him. The arms that had protected him were still there, wrapping him. The person who had almost lulled him was still there...Heero was still there.
A sad smile bloomed in the rose colored lips, as a faint whisper escaped from Duo's mouth.
"I've broken my promise......and there's a price to pay now....."
To Be Continued.....
*Shinigami's Voice*
A/N: (silence) I love Duo. Don't you? And I like Heero a lot. Don't you? If I were to see this chapter on T.V. I assure you I would cry. Please try to imagine it, and tell me what you think. R&R, please. Lots of reviews make me happy.. -a song called 'The Tears Know' -a song by Savage Garden called 'Crash and Burn' Next chapter is the conclusion, please stay with me, k? Review, and I'll post soon.
"Facing a Past's Shadow"
Chapter Two
Sudden shots and loud noises thundered all over the area, as the Preventors ships arrived with backup forces. The ozies were still confused by the former explosions, and therefore, they were caught unprepared.
Inside the interrogation room, the four pilots were still staring directly at Duo, who finally released Dardou, letting the immobile body to fall to the ground.
*click*
The muffled sound of the empty gun was barely audible. A second later Dardou fainted, almost sure he was going to be assassinated in the spot. But the gun was EMPTY. Duo let his face drop, his bangs hiding his features. He lifted the gun in his right hand and the cartridge in the left one. He had removed it without anyone noticing it.
The four teens stayed quiet, silently observing Duo's unspoken declaration against vengeance. Some seconds later, Duo dropped both things, and with his face still hidden by his hair, he crossed the dark room, heading towards the hangars where their Gundams were being held.
Heero and the others waited an instant before they also walked in that direction. As they reached the hangar, troops of Preventors burst in every room, capturing each one of the ozies in that facility, including the Sub commander and general Dardou. Endless time in prison was their sure destiny...
-----o-----
Five suits-carriers, with five huge Gundams, were making their way among the darkness of space, until they reached Earth's atmosphere, heading towards the seaport were one of Howard's ships was waiting for them.
No one made a connection with the carrier transporting DeathScythe, which was the first one to reach the port.
Inside his carrier, Quatre clutched at his chest, a wave of pain constricting his heart. But once again, the flash of pain disappeared within a minute.
When the pilots landed and came out of their ships, the 02 pilot had already came out and was walking towards the automatic gates, without saying a word to anyone. He crossed the door and made his way into the halls.
"I think he wants to be left alone" -Trowa murmured.
"We can't leave him alone" -Quatre interrupted him, worry painted in his features- "He is in pain. I can feel it" -he added, his hand over his heart.
"We can't wait, or he'll close into himself. We have to look for him" -Heero said in his decided tone, and they all nodded.
After several minutes of searching, the pilots found their friend in one of his favorite spots. He was sitting in front of a large window in one of the vacated rooms in that sea ship.
He was still clad in his black suit, now all battered by the beatings of the last days. He was sitting against a wall, his arms folded over his chest, his face bowed, the locks of hair shadowing his closed eyes. By his stillness and the breathing rhythm, anyone would have thought he was asleep. But the pilots knew he was not.
Heero was the first one to cross the room, until he was standing in front of him, the other 3 youngsters followed.
"Duo" -the Japanese boy called, but he got no response- "Duo" -he called again. Heero showed no trace of emotion, as usual, though something was squirming inside of him, telling him something was really wrong with Duo.
"Duo. We want to speak with you" -Quatre's soft voice replaced 01's, at the time his pale hand reached towards Duo.
The American boy seemed to wake up in that moment. He lifted his hands at his face's level, brushing away his own hair, though he didn't open his eyes.
"Hmm?" -was the response 04 got from him.
"Duo, we...well, we just want to talk for a while.....we want to know how are you feeling....."
"Oh, I'm tired" -the 02 pilot replied without looking at them- "I think I'll better go and sleep for a while" -he murmured.
"We won't leave and you won't leave either. Not yet" - Heero cut off Duo's attempt to run away from them.
Trowa and Wufei nodded in agreement.
"We are worried..." -Quatre started to say.
To everyone's surprise, Duo's normal, content voice interrupted him.
"Thanks guys, but I'm fine. Really. Just wanna think for a moment, ya know? I wanna be alone for a while...." -he said, lifting his face, a smile in his lips, but a slight saddened pair of violet eyes.
Quatre breathed deeply, taking one step closer, placing a hand over 02's shoulder.
"No, Duo. We can't leave you alone" -the blond soldier said, closing his eyes, the physical connection allowing him to establish the emotional connection with the braided boy.
"Especially not now, Duo" -Trowa said in his usual quiet manner.
"I already told you, guys, I'm fine, k?" -Duo repeated, trying with all his will to use his normal voice, but the lie was ripping him apart.
"No, Duo, it's not true" -Quatre's soft voice trembled with suppressed feelings- "I can feel...such a deep grief, such an enormous agony..." -Quatre's expression was twitched in pain, as he struggled for not stumbling down, his other hand looking for support on the wall. The wave of emotions was so intense.
The others stepped ahead, taking hold of the Neo-arabic. Now they were worried about both 02 and 04.
Duo sighed and he bowed his face one more time. On his side, Quatre caught his breath again and lifted his head, his Prussian blue eyes a bit perplexed. The connection had been cut off. It was like a shield that separated himself from the American boy.
"I'm sorry, Cat. I won't do that again. I just didn't realize you were so close to feel...." -Duo mumbled in apology.
"No, Duo you're just making it worse. If you trap all those emotions inside, instead of letting them out, they'll slowly kill you..." -the Sandrock pilot said with exasperation.
"Now that's a bit silly, ne? You can't kill Death" -Duo tried a bright smile, but it lacked sincerity- "Unless, of course, if Death is already dead, ya know? After all, I've been dead since many years ago...."
The four pilots remained silent at 02's words. There was pain hidden in them. Heero tried his best to remain calm and strong, as he lowered himself to Duo's face level. He pressed his lips as he saw how his friend turned his gaze away from him.
"Why don't you look at me, Duo?" -he asked in a gentler voice, still a bit uncomfortable with the others' listening to him- "Why are you isolating from us? You don't want to be left alone, Duo, I know that....Look at me, I want to see you, Duo....."
Duo shook his head, still his face turned away from them.
"No, not yet....my mask is weak..."
The comment made in low voice was painfully real, and Duo and the others knew it well. The cheerful alter ego was just one of the two faces Duo had. But this Duo was not strong enough in those moments to hold the façade perfectly, and he wasn't ready to let the others see it.....
Suddenly, Duo got up from his seat, as he briskly walked among them, heading to the door. Quatre was immediately following him.
"Duo, wait! Where are...."
"Fresh air. I need some fresh air" -the slender figure replied without looking back, but he stopped when Wufei stood in front of him, blocking the door.
"Wait a minute, Maxwell" -he said- "I cannot allow you to leave this room yet. I know this may not be the proper moment, but we all need to talk" -the black eyes showed a determinate glance- "I....think I hadn't been the comrade you have been for us. I have also made wrong comments about your behavior. You said it wasn't fair for me to talk without knowledge, well...it's true. It wasn't fair. If you give us the opportunity to understand you, we'll try our best to help you......"
"I don't want anything now. I just want to...be alone, that's all. Let me pass, Wufei" -Duo replied curtly as he continued his way, but a hand holding him back from his wrist halted him.
Without releasing his grasp, Heero stood in front of him.
"Don't run away" -was the harsh command.
"I'm not doing that" -a distant voice came from Duo's lips.
"Then stay here, with us" -Quatre pleaded. Trowa nodded.
"We are offering you support..." -Wufei added.
"I've lived many years with this. I can handle it by myself, thanks" -02's voice raised a bit.
"Don't face it alone" -the Japanese pilot said.
"I've always been alone!" -Duo replied, his voice rosed as well as his face.
Heero received the violet glance directly. For a couple of seconds, he could almost read in those eyes the despair of a life in complete loneliness. Yes, Heero knew about it. He could read that pain taking over his friend.
"Not anymore, Duo" -Quatre said as he walked closer to 01 and 02- "We are with you now. We are your friends, we are your family, we are here for you, close to you...."
"No, you can't....you mustn't. I don't want to harm those who are close to me again. I don't have the right" -the tenor voice turned into a whisper again, as Duo shook his head adamantly- "I failed them twice. I don't deserve anything..if Death could only die once and for all...."
"Don't you say that!" -Heero snapped in anger at the double-meaning of the sentence.
His voice was accompanied by the movement of his other hand, in the sequence of rising and then lowering rapidly towards Duo's face.
The braided, now quiet boy didn't move, waiting for the blow. But after a minute when nothing happened, he fixed his eyes in the front to look at his partner.
Heero's hand had stopped in middle air, his face had an unusual worried and somehow sad expression. Then, 01 lifted his right hand, which was holding Duo's wrist, and with his left one, took hold of 02's left hand.
There was a tiny blood track slipping over Duo's palms, since he had cut himself with his nails while clenching his hands in fury against Dardou.
"Look at your hands" -the blue-eyed pilot murmured without turning his glance away.
A second later, a warm drop fell upon one of Heero's hand, startling him. The drop slid slowly on his skin and then fell to the floor.
Though his face was hidden by the locks of chestnut hair, the shinning way the single tear had left on Duo's cheek was still visible. The tear that had fallen on Heero's hands.
For an instant, the four boys in the room were mute, completely shocked.
Releasing Duo's wrists, Heero gave one more step and encircled the boy with his arms, in a hesitant hug. Duo didn't move, letting the strong arms hold him. Quatre put a comforting hand on 02's shoulder, and Trowa and Wufei got closer, trying to transmit their warmth in a collective sign of friendship and understanding.
Duo closed his eyes as he sighed deeply. No, he decided, he wouldn't let his grief out. He could feel the wound ripping his heart, but he had to be strong. He had promised. Even if keeping that promise was slowly killing him, he didn't want the others, or anyone, to see his pain. Even if the others were being so kind, he couldn't.
The DeathScythe pilot lifted his hands, pushing himself off of Heero's embrace, undoing the circle the other four pilots had made around him. The others stared at him puzzled as Duo took a couple of steps back from them.
"Duo?" -Quatre called again.
"Thanks, guys, but you don't have to worry. I mean, of course it hurts, but I am fine" -a small smile hovered in his face, his expression calm, his glance steady.
Heero fixed his blue eyes in the amethyst ones, and he was almost surprised to find out that Duo's eyes were not blurry or moist. The violet was clear, no trace of tears in them.
"I hope you don't mind if I take a little break, right?" -the smile in 02's features stayed impassive- "I would appreciate if you let me some time off" -he said as he dusted himself, probably feeling uncomfortable under the scrutiny of the four glances of his friends.
Quatre had the intention to say something, but he stopped in middle way, not exactly sure of what to say. Wufei frowned slightly as he side looked Trowa, whose green eyes held a hint of sadness.
The silence of the room was perturbed only for the sound of Duo's steps as he headed towards the doors, which closed immediately after him.
"But...what happened? I thought we were reaching him..." -Quatre said, turning his confused blue-green glance at the others.
"It's like something is holding him back" -Trowa said in his calm manner.
"Maxwell's honor is admirable" -Wufei added, his onyx orbs fixed in the distant- "Though his interior struggle must be hard. It's a heavy burden he has been bearing with since long ago"
"But I know he hurts badly. It would be better if he allowed himself to let go of that pain" -Quatre mildly protested.
Trowa put a hand on 04's shoulder, knowing the blonde was feeling frustrated for not helping more.
"Maybe it was not the moment, Quatre, nor the place." -Trowa tried to reassure his friend- "Probably, Duo knows he is not doing the right thing, but it is hard for him to let go. If he has lived all these years hiding this, it may be almost impossible to reveal it so..openly, especially after that torture, and now with all of us here watching him." - the 03 pilot added thoughtfully.
Quatre and Wufei nodded, agreeing with the European's comment. The Shenlong pilot turned his glance to watch Heero, who had been silent all the time.
"Heero" -the Chinese boy called.
01's wistful features turned to the one addressing him. Immediately, the other boys were also looking at him. They didn't say anything, but it wasn't necessary. The Wing pilot knew what they were asking.
"I don't know how is he feeling for real" -came the answer a moment later- "And I don't know what to do. Maybe time and some distance" -he vaguely suggested.
"Are you sure, Heero? After being lonely so much time, do you think that will help him?" -the Neo-arabic asked worriedly.
"No" -Heero almost sighed at the reply- "It probably won't"
"Heero" -Wufei's eyes were deadly serious as he spoke- "You're closer to him. You know him better than us. Can we entrust Duo to you?"
The 04 and 03 pilot joined in the serious contemplation of the Wing pilot, waiting for a reply.
"Hai" -came the soft voice.
-----o-----
Nights on sea are beautiful. The water seems like a deep mirror, which reflects hundreds of little shining stars hanging from above. The wind brings the scent of distant horizons mixed with soft tunes of unknown instruments, lulling the waves and the sand.
Heero spent hours standing against the ship's railing. His thoughts were drifting and coming back, from here and there and here and there again. Lurking. Seeking. For a solution, a word, a feeling, anything. Anything he could offer to Duo.
But what could he possibly offer to relieve Duo's pain? He had nothing. Nothing but....the friendship that had grown up between them, the knowledge of Duo's past, the memories of Duo's dreams, the confessions from Duo's own lips, the time they had learn to share, the sometimes silly discussions they had, the trust, the promises, the....
The Japanese pilot straightened his back, staring at the sea once again. He had more than he had first imagined. Yes, that's why Duo had been entrusted to him. Because Heero himself had first been entrusted to Duo. Now the problem was to learn how to canalize all that fragments of friendship to help Duo in these precise moments.
The pilot breathed deeply as he turned away from his position, accessing into the ship, heading towards the rooms. That was the place he knew he would find Duo.
Despite everything, he felt his stomach complain with knots, feeling he was heading towards a battle in a handicapped manner. He stood in front of the room's doors, listening to every sound around him.
Silence.
It was a bit late by now, but he knew Duo wasn't sleeping. In fact, he knew Duo wouldn't sleep during all night, secretly trying to avoid his nightmares.
He knocked. Once. Twice. Silence, no answer.
'I promised you, Duo, remember? I once promised you that if I saw you edging into your inner pain, I would have to reach you. I tried to do that today, but you rejected me. Why did you do that, Duo?'
Heero entered the code in the electronic door as his mind continued to prepare for the moment.
'I don't know why, but I have to keep trying. I promised you. I won't let you down on this, Duo. I know you asked me to leave you alone, not to press you, but Duo, for your own good, I have to keep trying..'
The Japanese teen slid silently into the room, noticing every detail in the surroundings. The lights were on, but the bed was empty. The blankets were crumpled, clear sign of someone sitting there, surely for a long time. The black tight pants and the black priestly jacket were spread on the floor.
He gave some steps more, catching a glimpse of a silhouette through the open door of the bathroom.
Heero stood quietly in the place, even restricting his breath. Duo hadn't noticed his presence. He was completely sure of this, because standing there was Duo, his back turned to him, his long hair falling around him.
During those years of knowing among them, the pilots had learned one of the things Duo didn't like was for the people to see him with his hair down. Just in a couple of times, when his braid had gotten loose among a battle, had they got a rapid sight of it.
Not even Heero, his friend and roommate, was allowed to. Whenever Duo came out of the shower, he had a towel wrapped around the mass of chestnut cascade.
So now, the older pilot remained silent, contemplating the rare scene. The American teen's hair was unbelievable long and beautiful, the crossing patterns of the restricting braid slightly marked among the strands. The honey colored locks seemed to sway with some faint breeze.
Heero's stare wandered on the waterfall of spilling color a moment more, until his attention reached Duo's face. The amethyst eyes were forcefully closed, his lips pressed together. Still. The longhaired boy was totally still.
Blue eyes lowered a bit, taking in the image of Duo's hands, clenching the sides of the sink so strongly, that his knuckles were becoming white. Red lines were sliding down his skin, sliding down the sink, sliding over jagged pieces of crystal filling the sink.
The blue glance lifted abruptly, looking at the mirror....but there was no mirror, just a hole in the place where the crystal was supposed to reflect the face of the person standing in front of it. The numerous slithers of shattered glass where scattered with crimson droplets of blood, filling the sink.
"God....oh God....not again....." -the murmurs where voiced so desperately, the tone filled with sorrow- "Not again...make it go away...I don't want to see it..."
Unconsciously, Heero gave a step back. Not the moment, he mused, not the moment. Duo was struggling to keep his mask in place, and Heero had no idea what to do in that situation.
"Please no....no.....I've had enough...no!"
Another step back. This was Duo's greatest secret, his other face. This was something Heero knew the American boy had been hiding from everyone, something he wasn't supposed to see, not without Duo's permission. And Duo had always insisted that he wasn't ready, not even to show it to Heero.
01 turned away, feeling he was witnessing something prohibited, as he got a glimpse of the suffering painted in 02's expression.
'I always wondered how much time would Duo be able to hold the façade...and now, it's happening. Is the mask really breaking?'
The quiet steps continued as Heero walked away, when suddenly, a muffled sound answered his musings....
The muffled sound of a sob.
Heero stood frozen in place. What? No, it couldn't be. It was not possible, Duo never.....
The soft sound was repeated, cutting his track of thoughts.
A dull ache started to pound in Heero's heart, as the sobs continued.
///////////// When tears overcome you.... I don't know what to do.... My heart aches whenever you feel sad...////////////// (1)
For an instant, the Japanese pilot felt the urge to run out of the room, to escape that, to forget what he had heard....for just an instant, before he snapped back, to the fact that his best friend needed him. And he wasn't letting him down.
He made his way back and entered the bathroom, where Duo continued murmuring, now his face hid between his hands.
Strong hands took hold of his shoulders, as Heero turned Duo around to face him. The 02 pilot started, confused at the touch. Among slender fingers, his violet eyes widened at the touch, and widened even more when he saw Heero.
This time, the long eyelashes were moist, the amethyst depths clouded by tears, softly rolling down the American's face.
"Get out" -the unsteady voice complained as Duo tried to jerk out of Heero's hold.
"Hush, Duo, it's o.k." -the Japanese boy whispered, his arms not releasing him, but encircling him more firmly.
"No.....please.....go...."
Duo protested slightly, still trying to free himself, but the grasp was strong, and in that moment, he was weak, in every way. Heero hugged him fiercely, somehow scared by how Duo was trembling, trembling uncontrollably.
"It's time, boy.... It's time to let it go. You've fought too much time against it. You deserve to heal your heart...." -Heero murmured in soft voice as he pressed Duo against his chest, unconsciously trying to suffocate the pain that was engulfing his friend.
"I don't want to...." -came the shaky reply, cut by sobs- "I....I am afraid....God no, please no....I'm afraid....."
"Shhhh, Duo. It's o.k if you're afraid. I'm here with you. I'm not going anywhere. I am here for you"
And Heero closed his eyes, as a smile traced his lips.
//////////////// I can't help you, even if I'm next to you.... but whenever you're sad, come to me..... and I'll give you a smile, just like you taught me to..././//////(1)
And the walls shattered.
Shaky hands took hold of Heero's shoulders as Duo returned the hug, the sobs breaking into tears. The delicate features painted with grief buried in Heero's chest, as if hiding of something. Against the shirt of the 01 pilot, the youngster continued murmuring between sobs.
"Twice..I failed them twice...I....I.....how could I......" -and the voice was cut for some seconds- "I let the.... kids died....plague.....and Solo....and then.....Sis...Sister.and the church.....oh God....."
Heero could only hold him, as he rubbed his back, letting the L2 colony pilot to weep over his painful memories. The strands of chestnut hair intertwined between his fingers as he drew his hands up and down on Duo's back.
"And...I'm... afraid..if I ....." -the whisper was interrupted by a sharp intake of air- "if I .....let it o-out....I....am falling..and it's so dark and deep......and there are only......only......"
In fact, Heero felt like even if he was holding him, Duo was falling inside a deep dark hole, far away from everything. The sudden squirm alerted him, as the trembles returned to Duo's body.
"Only screams....no!" -and Duo released his arms from around Heero, covering his ears- "They are screaming....please make them stop....no more....."
In his own inferno, Duo could see the glitter of the flames, accompanied by the screams of his kids....his kids, the ones now dead. His fear, his most enormous fear, was this. Once he had let his pain out in tears, would he be able to recover, to stand again, or would he be trapped among darkness and grief?
Heero felt him fall. He felt how his legs buckled beneath him, as Duo fell to his knees, shaking his head, his hair billowing around him.
A rare moisture stung in Heero's own eyes, as if he could also feel the heartbreaking distress. He bent beside his weeping friend, whispering in his ear.
"No, Duo, they're not screaming anymore. They're not suffering anymore. It's over, Duo. It's over. They're in peace now.. You're pain will never go, but you can learn to heal it. Only if you release the pain and if you release yourself."
And as if he was a little boy, he held and lifted Duo from the floor, carrying him to his bed.
"It's o.k, Duo. It's o.k if this time, you cry. I understand..." -said the soft voice, while Duo clasped his arms around Heero's neck, taking in the warmth his friend was offering, seeking for sympathy- "I understand, my brave friend. And I am sorry too...I'm sorry, Duo...."
Heero sat on the bed, with the younger teen still in his arms, his pale face wet with tears. He looked like a sad angel, a very sad angel.
///////////////Let me be the one you call... If you jump, I'll break your fall.... Lift you up and fly away with you into the night... If you need to fall apart..... I can mend a broken heart.... If you need to crash then crash and burn..... You're not alone......////////////////(2)
"They....aren't screaming....they aren't..crying...no more...I can't hear it....." -the soft voice coming from Duo's lips was calmer, though faint brilliant pearls still rolled down his cheeks- "Just your voice...I just hear your voice...." -he murmured, his hold on Heero less strong, though the arms around his neck had not moved, nor had he stop pressing his face against the solid chest of the Japanese pilot.
"I'm here... I won't leave you. You don't have to be afraid anymore" -said Heero as he leaned against the headboard of the bed, sighing deeply.
The moonlight slipped through the little circle window, as late night fell upon the sea.
The boy he was holding wasn't murmuring anymore, the pained eyes were closed. Blue eyes also closed, never releasing his grasp around the cherished person that was his friend. Maybe, he would be able to chase away the nightmares..Heero wasn't going anywhere.
The clock ticked away the minutes, the hours, as sleep took into its realm both boys. Duo, exhausted by his breakdown; Heero, exhausted by emotions, by the struggle to be there for Duo.
And when dawn lit up the first clouds above the ocean, a set of amethyst pools slowly opened.
The warmth that had accompanied him was still there, wrapping him. The arms that had protected him were still there, wrapping him. The person who had almost lulled him was still there...Heero was still there.
A sad smile bloomed in the rose colored lips, as a faint whisper escaped from Duo's mouth.
"I've broken my promise......and there's a price to pay now....."
To Be Continued.....
*Shinigami's Voice*
A/N: (silence) I love Duo. Don't you? And I like Heero a lot. Don't you? If I were to see this chapter on T.V. I assure you I would cry. Please try to imagine it, and tell me what you think. R&R, please. Lots of reviews make me happy.. -a song called 'The Tears Know' -a song by Savage Garden called 'Crash and Burn' Next chapter is the conclusion, please stay with me, k? Review, and I'll post soon.