My little girl was gone. Dead, cremated. Nothing but ashes.
Her ashes weren't with us, where they belonged. They were with a bird. A bird had the audacity to come and take her ashes from the memorial service! Unbelievable.
Somewhere deep inside, I knew that it was all my fault. Years ago I had asked her to move with me to where my new job was and she had refused. Told me she wanted to stay with her mother and sisters and all that she knew. I had asked her because I was lonely. Desperate. But clearly not desperate enough. If I had insisted more, stuck to my guns, maybe she would have relented, come with me, left the war behind. If she had come, maybe she would still be alive today.
My little girl…
She was tough, no doubt about that. No wonder she had wanted to stay behind. She wanted to fight, to save the world. When she was younger, about seven, I took her to this campsite they have where you can try outdoor and indoor rockclimbing, abseiling, and dry slope skiing. Rachel had tried all of it that day, and loved it. Jordan was only four or five so she was too young to come, but Rachel had absolutely loved it. Loved the rush she got from dangling off a fifty foot abseiling tower. Loved the feeling she got from skiing in 100kph ''winds'.
Maybe that was why she died.
Because I bred that rush, that want for a thrill into her.
I only just made it to her memorial service. I was anchoring the lunchtime news and grabbed a last minute flight to get there late. The security guard at the entrance didn't believe me when I told him I was her dad, and got a colleague to escort me in. Maybe he knew that it was my fault she was dead, even if only indirectly.
I watched from the sidelines as the other Animorphs gave their speeches, and when Jake stepped up I filled up with hatred. That boy was as much responsible for her death as I was. One of the reports that I had read out was the revelation that Jake had sent Rachel to die.
Oh God, Rachel. I am so, so sorry. I should have made you come with me that time. Gymnastics wouldn't have killed you. But it was your choice. I feel so empty inside. Like I've lost a son and a daughter at the same time.
Something came to me in a flash. News reports on a rival channel, saying that an elephant had terrorised a circus owner three years ago. A rogue elephant ripping up a blood bank a few weeks ago. A grizzly bear setting a man free from a mental institute a couple of years ago that Naomi had told me about. I would have smiled, if I could. They were all Rachel. Naomi had told me that Rachel's favourite morphs were her grizzly bear and an African elephant that was her first ever morph.
At least she had done some good.
Even so, it was still my fault.
Sorry Rachel. Daddy couldn't come through for you this time.